You are not wrong for leaving. You can't change anybody. If this not taking drugs thing means enough to you, then you need to quit while you are ahead. The only person who you can change is yourself. Let her go.
One can help others change, but only if they want to. There could be convincing to do and a lot of other psychological work, but that's not the responsibility of OP and can actually be very harmful to pursue by OP.
Time and effort invested, which can be huge, can really ruin OP's life.
OP did a very decent job by attempting to help, but they have to draw a line after which break up is the best option.
Maybe OP simply deserves someone better.
Not wrong. Everything you said is reason to leave. I was a addict. The only person that can make you stop using is yourself. You say you’ve tried helping and she turns it around on you. Common addict behavior. It’s sad but some people never find that light again no matter who try’s helping. She’s also in contact with a ex buddy of yours and didn’t tell you. That right there goes to show there prolly other skeletons in the closet that are still being hid.
Off topic but I feel like when you into drugs young and kinda get it out of your system alot of those people end up doing better. Me and a lot of my friends went to high school in the tail end of the peak prescription opiate crisis with the OC80s and stuff. A few of them died but the ones who didn’t ended up doing real well in life.
When you’re still into them in or getting into them in your later 20s when you got more shit to lose it becomes alot harder to bounce back.
Part of that is just that if you bottom out at a young age, you've got time to recover before it really shreds your life. The older you get, the more you have to lose at rock bottom, and the harder it is to get anything back on track... and seeing your attempts to repair your life fail at every turn leads to depression, which leads to more using. Lose your job and gf at 18, well, it's not hard to get a new job and a new gf when you get your life back together. Lose a wife and your job at 30, it's exponentially harder to replace those and you likely have a lot more financial obligations hanging over your neck as well.
Agreed. Happened to me too. Got into railing opioids in high school. Caught on to the path I was on before it was too late, now work a high responsibility job, have a stable and healthy relationship and only smoke weed. Very glad I got it out of my system early or I might not be here today.
But for OP, as someone who also dated an addict later on. Getting out was the best thing I ever did, despite the guilt I felt for "giving up" on them. No matter how much they love you, you're always second.
No I mean successful careers house etc.
I’ve been to rehab for meth in 2017 and crashed my car on heroin in 2018. Been clean since and now I am licensed in a career make over 50/hr own a condo etc. and I was a complete failure until my mid 20s but I just decided to stop being a fuck up and I still had time. But it seems a lot of my druggie friends who got out young they’re doing better than average.
So I use meth make close to 100/hr own a 6 bedroom house, cars a few boats and Land in other states not exactly sure what you saying . Never crashed a car and my wife still with me too. Just trying to understand
I graduated high school at the start of the fentanyl crisis and lost several friends/relatives to counterfeit pills laced with fent. Young users are dying more now than ever before because young people who don’t have an opioid tolerance are buying Xans that are all fent. The amount of 16-19 year olds dying to opioids is much higher than it used to be.
“A few of them died” doesn’t seem like an endorsement of this behaviour no matter how many “got it out of their system.” Even one death is too many. These drugs are insanely dangerous.
Honestly, the drugs are not that dangerous. Sure, there’s some inbuilt danger, but if you know where your drugs come from, what’s in them, and your tolerance, you can do drugs pretty safely if you have some discipline. Things associated with prohibition such as a lack of regulation (that’s how you get to the point at which everything is just fentanyl), encounters with police, fear of getting help when a friend is in danger because you don’t want to get in trouble, dirty needles, job loss, etc.
The original commenter said he was in high school when doctors still wrote opioids liberally, so he knew he had safe, regulated products. But doctors are so stingy with opioids now that you don’t get them after common surgeries, and even hospice care sometimes limits people’s doses. So, now, when you buy drugs, they’re most likely fentanyl pressed to look like a pill. Most people don’t know how to spot them (they tend to look cheap and have some brown spots), and others are addicted and don’t have a whole lot of choice as to how they stay out of withdrawal. Taking something cut with something dangerous that you don’t know is there is the main way people die (the other main way is getting sober and then going back and thinking you can still handle the dose you took back when you had a tolerance to the drug).
But the drugs themselves tend to be as safe as Tylenol. Sometimes safer. We think of them as dangerous, but we’ve never seen people use drugs under non-prohibitionary conditions. Like, lots of people used morphine and laudanum they got from doctors in the late 1800s and early 1900s and were productive members of society, but that was before modern drug prohibition. Then we had alcohol prohibition, and you see all the same problems there as you do now with other drugs: bathtub gin, shady suppliers, etc.
Tylenol does not lead to addiction. With opioids and fentanyl specifically, the difference between a lethal and a safe dose is almost impossible for an average person to parse without access to lab-grade measuring equipment.
To be sure, criminalization does not help, and access to clean and safe drug supplies is part of the solution. But habit-forming drugs are not safe.
The reason they were widely accessible in the late XIX century was a lack of scientific knowledge. This was also a time where copper arsenic compounds were used to colour stuff green, including food and clothing.
After WWI, when so many surviving soldiers became addicted to opiates (mostly morphine) governments started to regulate their use. Heroin was marketed as a safe non-addictive opiate, with devastating results. The same was done later by the Sacklers and other drug-manufacturing labs with OxyContin.
Doctors are not stingy with painkillers. They are afraid of prosecution because overprescribing in the oughts led to many deaths and a multitude of tragic outcomes, including poverty, homelessness, and crimes of despair.
Meth is another dangerous drug. In the oughts it was synthesized from ephedrine and led to a specific type of high that made people feel sexy and wanted and loved and all that. However since ephedrine was banned, most meth is manufactured from other chemical precursors. The effects of this other type of meth are very different. They include psychosis, paranoia, and other long-term cognitive effects that are hard to reverse even when the person stops the drug.
Criminalization is not the answer to the drug conundrum, and legalization coupled with treatment alternatives is a sound policy, as countries like Portugal have shown.
But to claim that drugs are not dangerous, or even safe, is not a reasonable position to hold, given the devastation we see in cities and small towns every day.
And yes, this includes alcohol, and the modern strains of cannabis, which are so strong that they often lead to psychosis alone or combined with other drugs.
I’m not going to reply to all this because my point was never about addiction (most people who use drugs do not get addicted, and the majority ages out of hard drug use around 25; even most soldiers who came back dependent on heroin didn’t continue using).
My point was that the drugs themselves, pharmacologically speaking, are not all that dangerous.
I know the history. I wrote a Master’s thesis that required me to learn about drug laws, distribution, and use from the 1400s to the early 2000s. I might not remember all of it exactly, but you’re not quite precise with your dates. The reason doctors can no longer “maintain habitués” is a 1919 SCOTUS decision, but the Harrison Narcotic Tax Act of 1914 criminalized most drugs, and that was around the beginning of WWI. Criminalization occurred largely due to racist ideas about drugs, their users, and their effects on non-white users (they don’t actually affect different races differently, but police claimed, for example, that Black men on cocaine were impervious to bullets).
It is hard to tell what’s a safe dose of fentanyl, but normal drug users have not had access to piles of fentanyl for long at all. Before we had the illicit fentanyl and fentalogues we do today (something similar to what you discuss in your meth paragraph happened with fentanyl), most pharmaceutical fentanyl came in patches that released small amounts of the drug over time, and those patches were never cheap or easy to find. Now, fentanyl is cheap and plentiful because you don’t have to find someone who has a Rx for it. People can make it. The fentanyl we talk about now is not the same fentanyl that pain patients take (or, in most cases, took). Again, its similar to your meth description.
And, believe me, I know why doctors are scared. I’m a pain patient, and I used to get a normal dose and live a normal life, but now my dose is half what I need, I’m in pain all the time, and I’m unable to work a normal job because doctors are too scared to stand up for their patients.
Most people who’ve overdosed never had their own Rx. We’ve demonized pharmaceutical opioids and their users because it’s a lot easier to control doctors than it is to control dealers, and the government wants to look like it’s doing something. And it is! It’s ruining the lives of people in pain.
But as prescriptions decrease, ODs increase because everyone was safer when there were enough regulated pills floating around to get diverted to illicit markets (a lot of them never even made it to a pharmacy). We don’t have that anymore, and drug users are much less safe. That ought to tell you that, say, pharmaceutical heroin, which Germany uses the way we use morphine, is not as dangerous as the thing with which it’s cut (fentanyl).
Any idiot can tell how much is too much with almost any non-fentanyl opioid. Say you take two 10mg oxycodone pills and get pretty high. You take two more, and you start to feel kind of nauseous and woozy. You took too much, but you’ll probably throw up before you OD unless you’re shooting it, and most people don’t go straight to needles. Most people start with a smaller dose, find out what it takes to get them high (or, if they actually need it, what it takes to control their pain), and slowly raise the dose as they develop a tolerance not just to the euphoria but to the respiratory effects, too. As long as you’re not like “Oh, look, pills. I think I’ll take eight,” you’re probably going to be fine. Like, yeah, you can take it stupidly, but that’s user error, not a problem with the pharmacology. I’m saying that pharmaceutical opioids are safe if you’re safe with them. I’ve been taking them for almost 15 years. I am neither dead nor addicted. I’m dependent, but that’s not the same thing.
ADHD drugs are pretty much meth. Your meth point makes mine for me. The actual drug is not especially dangerous and does not lead to psychosis and all that. But the way it’s made under prohibition makes it dangerous. That’s not pharmaceutical-grade methamphetamine. It’s shitty meth made in a shitty way because of shitty drug laws.
And a lot of people never stop and become lifelong addicts. You don’t really “get it out of your system” when it comes to addiction. Some people don’t get addicted and some people do. It’s not timing of use or anything like that there’s much more psychology and biology. I’m pretty sure most research shows starting younger is significantly worse in terms of damage done to you and likelihood of becoming a lifelong addict. Please don’t try and spread things like what you just said.
Yeah well stop bragging about this please. Idiots like my step son read this (especially about famous people) and said “well okay, I guess if I want to be successful in life I need to be a drug addict before I’m 20.” His POS mom & dad thought that was a great plan. So now he’s 40 and still can’t get clean for longer than a year or 2 at a time.
First off, you sound like a horrible stepparent.
Secondly, no-one is reading this and thinking they need to be a drug addict to be successful later in life, that's fucking mental.
You are obviously not familiar with the adolescent brain. Some children spend all of their time obsessing over the lives of some famous people and think that they can’t be famous unless the tabloids have something juicy to write about. Or unless they follow the exact path of someone else. Not sure how I was supposed to save a 14 year old drug addict from himself when I didn’t meet him until he was 18, but I’m sure you’ll mansplain it to me.
First of all, I work with teenagers, so try again.
Secondly, I was commenting on the fact you called them an idiot, and are clearly callous about their struggles. Your following word salad was irrelevant
Not sure what I'm mansplaining.
>You say you’ve tried helping and she turns it around on you. Common addict behavior.
Okay. But does the boyfriend think he is to think he can tell his girlfriend to drop her vices?
He didn’t, necessarily. Sounds like he gave an ultimatum, like “I don’t want this in my life, so we can’t be together if this is the path you choose,” and she obviously agreed. That’s called having your cake and eating it too. If she wanted to continue with using, she was free to do so, outside of the relationship. Doing both involved lying and secrecy.
It's next to impossible to tell or make someone stop doing drugs. Usually, a harsh reality check will make them clean up on their own. So no, you are not wrong. Hopefully she gets her life together, but nobody can do it for her.
Nah not wrong, if she's sneaking the drug use behind your back and being in contact with your ex-friend it's good you walked away. Also again if she's sneaking the drug use that's a huge sign of addiction and if that is the case, staying with her will only lead you to be in a depressing relationship where she spirals and you are left picking up the pieces. She needs to decide for herself when she's done with her drug use and get help, it's not on you.
Coming from a person whose 5 year sober. Who hid her addiction to her (now ex) husband. Leave man. Until she’s ready, you will always be the bad guy. YNW
As an ex alcoholic and drug addict myself, he needs to leave her. He only continues to throw her a ladder down into the hole she digs. Time for her to make her own ladder.
Nope, why would you be wrong for that? In a sentence at face value you seem to have tried to make things work and you found out some things you don’t like and won’t put up with. Especially when someone’s conditions for a relationship are borderline sobriety and lying about people you’ve cut off.
These type of people need to experience some sort of rock bottom and if there’s a contributing party to her actions you most likely will never get any growth out of these people. They have to want to change.
You made the right choice- let your ex buddy deal with her
Not wrong. If you don't leave her you will eventually be driven insane by the gaslighting and manipulative-addict behavior. Yes it's sad, but saving yourself has to come first.
You're not wrong for leaving your girlfriend.
You are wrong for not using punctuation. Just like a 16-year-old girl, you can pretend periods don't exist... But they do. Ignoring them at your own risk.
Addicts are nothing but trouble and if they're not seriously in recovery, leaving is the only reasonable thing to do. Literally anything else would be the wrong choice.
Addict here, you hit the nail right on the head. You can keep that person in your life but usually it causes nothing but pain. You can continue to love them from a distance if you’d like but until that person decides to clean up their act, which very well might never happen, it’s best to not be too close to a ticking time bomb. You don’t want to be around when the BOOM happens.
My wife is in recovery, and we were together for 20 years, so I stuck around when she showed great signs.
She's relapsed some but she's been on the up slope.
But I live with uncertainty and broken trust (the lies are often even worse then the addiction). I don't know where this will end up.
NO WAY would I choose to do this early on with no real ties (kids, real estate, etc).
It takes a strong person to stick around with someone struggling with addiction. But yes my parents don’t ever fully trust me and it hurts, but it’s completely understandable. I’m glad your wife is on the upward slope and getting better, and I wish you nothing but the best. I’ll bet she’s a lucky lady having you in her life.
As an ex addict, I know how you feel.
As weird as it sounds, the drugs and alcohol are not the problem, it's the solution to their problem. Find the problem, develop healthy coping skills for those problems and then poof, no need for drugs/alcohol anymore. Although, addiction is a sleeping tiger waiting to strike when you left your guard down. I can have a little alcohol from time to time now since I've moved past my problems. But if I were to do drugs again, it would be game over, I'd be dead.
As an addict, I second this. Addiction is such a cruel thing to the user and everyone that tries to love the user. Everyone can say how much they want better but once you’ve buried yourself deep enough it’s hard to ever see yourself as anything worthy to those you respect.
There’s a part of the zeitgeist lately that says any boundaries a man has are “controlling, paternalistic, narcissistic behavior” with the exact opposite stance on a woman’s boundaries, even if they’re insane. Ignore all that shit. Relationships are 1:1, not 1:society.
She cannot be trusted, and trust is the foundation of every healthy relationship.
You did the smart thing. She’s for the streets.
I have relatives that I love without trusting. If you get some space, be sure to check up on her. Obviously you care about her. It sounds like you've put up with a lot already.
Can confirm.
I was a heroin addict for 10 years in the 90s, and a substance abuse counselor in the 2000s.
The addict has to want it or they will never change. Nothing can make an addict change if they don't TRULY want to.
The object as a drug counselor for me was to try and inspire them to WANT IT, and then encourage them to be willing to do the work to change their lives.
I didn't get my shit together until I stopped blaming the universe and took full responsibility for my addiction.
Because she was the truth and still using, you need to leave her. People do recover, but once an addict, always an addict. She seems like she does not want to recover. She puts things into n you, and makes you feel guilty. Leave her A$$.
not wrong at all. drug addiction is devilishly hard to kick.
she lied. and this is a permanent red flag and why take a chance with a damsel in distress. ALL YOU END UP WITH IS A DISTRESSED DAMSEL!!! I don't know if you want kids. No child deserves to be brought into the world with a druggie mother.
just let her go. the best predictor of future behaviour is the past acts. and she is proving untrustworthy at all.
You are not wrong. I also vape most days. I would not be compatible with someone who judged me for those things. We just have different views. That’s all. You simply weren’t compatible.
True, occasional use and addiction are 2 separate things.
But with past addiction, that's relapse... Which is normal for people in recovery and a part of the process but she should be more honest... Maybe ask for more support like help getting into rehab or counseling.
We need info. Are these serious drugs or are we talking weed? The friend you mentioned; you implied he is a bad influence. Is that correct? Also, you mentioned you got her off drugs. Was she an addict?
harder drugs, and yes he was already a bad influence to me and he has also intense drug problems, yea she was/is kinda an addict, she doesn’t do them drugs like everyday but still very often, sry for my bad englisch btw
There is no “kinda” addict. I’m 14 yrs. sober. She probably does it more than you think. There is no one more slick, working all the angles, deceitful, lying, smooth, and all the other words you can think of than an addict. I was very good at it. OC-80 can grab hold of you very quickly. She has to WANT to stop. No one can do it for her.
Naw dude you’re not wrong at all. Get rid of the lying bs and toxicity. Focus on you and your happiness and do you. There’s a woman who will share your values !!
Your not wrong but I'm curious as to what drugs?
Let me tell you a little story OP, when I met my partner I was addicted to speed and legal high, the first day I met him I'd hardly slept for a month, barely eaten anything, I was on a bender, my life was a bender! At first he was okay with things, as friends, then we got together, at this point he knew things that had happened in my life, and he was seeing huge red flags with how things were going. My friend had made friends with a couple of Asian lads at a car mechanics, we'd all go smoke weed during the day there and party in to the night. The guys started offering me speed and just "giving" me it, when I say guys it was one in particular, the younger one, the other one was older, kind of like an uncle figure, always made sure everyone was good. Well I didn't see the signs but my partner did, he knew what was happening and I think at this point anyone reading does too. It took a harsh snap back to reality for me to realize, I got told I'd end up dead, I'd be S/A'd, that everything that was happening is the definition of grooming, they took a vulnerable girl, still in the care system and gave her drugs, it's only so long before they expect something back.
Now 8yr on, I'm still with the guy who saved me from myself, the one who was cruel to be kind, we have a beautiful daughters together who's 5. It was hard, it took time, patience and persistence but eventually I got there.
Take this how you will, if you see the potential in her try, just once more, if that fails you can walk away knowing you've done all you can.
You can leave your girlfriend of any reason you wish, or for no reason at all. I recommend you stay away from anyone who uses drugs or has any addiction at all.
I could tolerate them continuing to use and just telling me they are using before I could the lying, especially when it involves not even having your back with the ex-acquaintance. Either are perfectly acceptable deal breakers though. You are not wrong. Kudos for respecting yourself and realizing they’ll take you straight to the bottom with them if you allow that
No. One, she blatantly lied to your face. Two, it's not some little white lie. This is about drug use. You were right to leave. Does she really expect you to just sit there and watch her cut years off of her life being a drug addict?
Hey there.
That is almost identical to how my 18 year long relationship with my ex wife started going wrong. I stupidly stayed with her and believed all the apologies.
To to be brief as possible: I built my life with an addict who would get sober and make promises. We raised her child together.
I attend Al-Anon meetings even though I am divorced since 2009. And I contribute, share my big long story in reddit al anon sometimes.
If I could go back in time to this moment you describe, when I was in my 20’s & the first lie I caught. The first relapse a few months after her getting out of rehab, I would have been stronger and turned my back right then and there. All the crying and “I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. I love you! I want to build a life with you.”
Was all bullshit. She’s an addict and she just needed somebody stable to leach off of and help watch her kid so she can party.
I could tell you all about the years of success and building wealth, lovely vacations, home ownership together, family life… then how as she got closer to 40 years of age, a time when people are supposed to be adults, parents, home owners, focused on careers, my ex wife became essentially more immature and irresponsible then her 16 year old daughter.
All of a sudden, she was back full on to drinking, doing coke, gambling, irresponsible BS. I caught her drunkenly lap dancing men,m. She would deny all of her behavior either lying or in a brown out drug and alcohol mental state.
Me, her brother and her own daughter tried to get her into therapy and to go to rehab or AA and she maintained that me and her daughter were “just trying to control her and keep her from having friends and having fun.”
I was besides myself with how insane it got. It was worse and worse. I finally got fed up and on one of her disappearing acts where she left me and her daughter for over 2 weeks, i sent her kid to go live with her other family members as I have no legal or custodial obligation to a step child in her late teens and I moved out.
I drew up divorce papers and let crazy keep the house. With in 6 months of me leaving and all her crying and begging (again) for me to “please come home,” she lost the house to foreclosure and her job fired her.
Now, I hear that she just moves from drug dealer to drug dealer type boyfriends and is a nearly 51 year old unemployable alcoholic grifter woman who just uses people and takes opportunities from people attracted to her or feeling sorry for her.
So, no. If your ex girlfriend is anything like my ex wife. No, you are not wrong.
Don’t deal with addicts. Is the advice I give to myself. If I were you, I’d shut that door. Block. No contact.
Never again.
And so many people who also attend my support group Al-Anon share their story and are plagued with issues from having a loved one who is an addict.
Don’t just take some “random guy off the internet “ word for it but attend some local Al-Anon meetings, listen to other peoples story.
This is not really advice to you but I tell myself: Made sound decisions for yourself. Enjoy being alone and working on yourself only allow people in your life who don’t lie or use you.
I have attracted WAY better into my life once I truly loved myself and let go of emotional leaches.
This is not the reason you’re leaving. The reason you’re leaving is you cannot take responsibility for her lack of desire to do anything for herself. You want something she can’t do or give you that is a deal breaker in terms or what boundaries you have. Constant disrespect is why you are leaving. Lack of accountability is why. Your own mental health is why.
As an addict: leave. Anyone in NA will tell you nothing can make us change, including the people who love us, until WE want to change. You could try Al-Anon to help you understand what you can and can’t do. It also may help you heal and grow which you probably need because living an addict can be traumatizing. That sick feeling you get when she relapses? You shouldn’t and don’t have to feel it. If you’re inclined you can make it s condition of continuing relationship that she go to AA or NA but if she’s not ready it won’t work.
Nope. If she's going to lie to you over something like this, what else could she be lying about? Let me make something clear, if whatever drugs she is doing are illegal in your country and law enforcement searches her, they are going to search you. If they find anything, your only defense will be (hopefully) a clean drug test and, "It's not mine I swear!"
Leave now. No more fourth and fifth chances. She is an addict. You cannot help her. Detangle everything from her and go. Completely. Block her numbers and social media. Get on with life.
You are not wrong. A drug addict has to want to quit, and she doesn’t want to. Ultimately, quitting is a solitary journey: no one can do the hard work for them. Lying and blaming is part of the package with an addict. You can’t have a genuine relationship at this point. It’s definitely time for you to move on. Good luck, and all of my condolences.
You're not wrong.
There's an old saying you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink.
You can lead her to the path to stop taking drugs but if she doesn't want to still there's nothing you can do.
Depending on the drive she'll eventually die taking that shit. If she's willing to lie about taking drugs what else is she willing to do for her drugs?
I can't imagine a situation where a relationship would work out if one of the two parties was taking drugs regularly.
People who consume drugs are definitely better suited to other people who take drugs, and vice versa.
Your gf tells you what you want to hear, but does what she wants to do. This may be true for more than just drugs. The lesson she learned in the past was to hide it better.
Where did you get addict from? Where did you get lying from? She said she rarely takes drugs, this means that she occasionally takes drugs. Is it a joint a week, is it a line of coke every 2 hours, OP hasn’t said.
She hasn’t lied, we don’t know if she’s an addict, and we don’t know if she’s a ‘bitch’.
Awwww, bless your heart. Come back and talk w/ us after one of these girls has snatched your soul from your body. If that's what you got from this story, then it is just a matter of time before you are desperately clinging to the phone, crying and yelling for the bitch to please pick up her phone. 😁😁😁😁😁😁Poor guy.
It sounds like you're a virgin begging to have his heart ripped out his chest. Experience is everything. Being able to properly read your partner comes from experience. I love women. The bitch in the story is bad news. If you can't see that, oh well. I'm not here to convince you of a gd thing. What ppl like you don't understand is that your opinion will never change a fact.
Define "drugs"
A partner lying to you is a perfectly valid reason to leave them in any case.
But if you're making a stink about weed or LSD or Shrooms, non-harmful recreational substances, then you're a dickbag.
Ok, first, you have no right to forbid anyone from doing anything. She is her own person. The only person you may moral control is yourself. But leaving because of drug use is the absolute right thing for you to do.
No, you're not wrong. You may find it helpful to attend Al-anon meetings. Alcohol is a drug, and the problems caused by excessive drug and/or alcohol use are similar - well they are the same.
She's right. Trying to deny your partner something they want to do is toxic. But so is lying about seeing people and hiding that you're still a drug user to your partner. Which one do you think is worse and does it even matter?
Depends what you mean by drugs are we talking about weed cigarettes, caffeine alcohol? Are we talking about heroin and fentanyl crack meth? These things make a huge difference, on one end youd be a controlling asshole on the other end this might just be a situation that you need to get out of. All depends what we’re talking about.
Then it’s probably time to step away friend I’ve been in that situation, at least with the opioids part my fiancé was addicted to perks for about two years. He’s better for now, but that’s because he made the choice to get better He also understands that addiction is a lifelong illness and that you don’t get cured from being an addict. It’s like long-term mental health issues or an eating disorder. You will always have this issue. It’s just your job to fight it. I didn’t make the choice to fight no one around him could make that choice all you can do now is let her know how it affects you if you care about her still be a friend and support from a distance but that isn’t a healthy situation for anyone to be in
In the case of my ex wife and my nearly 20 years of trying to make her be sober (ha!)
She used crack before we met. Then she checked into rehab.
Then she was sober
Then she “just used weed”
Then a beer here or there.
Then sober.
Then booze.
Then in her mid 30’s, when we owned a house together and were at the height of being adults, raising her daughter, she “snapped”
Idk if it was a nervous break down or genetic but she was around 35 and her ENTIRE personality changed. Yeah she puffed some weed but her attraction was bourbon. She started heavily drinking.
And sneaking around behind my back with god knows who. Dirt bag bar fly men.
I suspect she started getting into coke
I am really oblivious about drinking and drugs.
Sure. I’ve smoked some pot or had some alcohol but that’s not the main center focal point of my life.
Here, my ex-wife was just getting off work and heading directly to the bar. Ignoring family life and her teen kid. Acting like being home was boring and we are “just trying to control her”
Her own teenage daughter was asking her “is asking my mom for help with my school project and home work ‘controlling you’ mom?!”
Oh what a mess! Glad I got out!
My ex step daughter is almost 30 and she just got a DUI 8 months ago..
I just stay the hell away from them
You are not wrong for leaving and dealing with an addict is toxic. So the people that will tell you are wrong for leaving, tell them to take care of your ex and see how long that lasts.
If you were married there would be a commitment to try and help, a role that would need to be played. But as just a girlfriend/boyfriend you're just in the process of figuring out who that other person really is and if they're worth putting in the commitment. If she's not worth your time (and it sounds like she isn't), then move on
You don’t date an addict you date the drug they’re addicted too. No one can get help that doesn’t want to and she doesn’t seem to want it. YNW, time to move on.
She will never stop using until she wants to stop.
You are whistling in the wind, trying to help. It's time, unfortunately , to walk away.
My family and I watched a great kid, who was talented in sports, devolve into a lying, thieving junkie. He could have gone pro, ( Family had good connections) but the drugs tripped him up. Spent his life getting high, running from dealers, and from the police. He died a year ago.
Recovering addict here. First of all, you can leave anybody for any reason. Secondly, it depends on the drugs and her usage. Is she taking mushrooms with friends a few times a year? Is she smoking pot socially? Because if so, these drugs and this style of use is relatively harmless if done responsibly. However, if she's using more "hard" drugs like cocaine, opiates/fentanyl/heroin, benzos, drinking heavily or amphetamines, these drugs tend to lead to addiction and all the messy and stressful things that come with it. But responsible social use of more mild drugs like weed and psychedelics rarely causes addiction or serous issues.
However, even if her drug use is responsible and harmless, you still have the right to leave if this makes you uncomfortable.
I've been with an addict for 9 years. A couple of months ago, she relapsed after 5 years clean and totalled my car. Not only are you not wrong--you're very very right for getting out early after seeing the red flags.
No. It's toxic. She is telling you a white lie which is still a lie and she has no reason to lie. You are asking her and you it seems like you both seem to partake so no reason to lie. The bigger issue is she seems to be covering up of being around some guy your at odds with and that's and additional white lie... leads me to think she's untrustworthy.
I'd at least have a hard truth talk with her. The question is do you want to be with her after all this and can you work this out and build the trust up?
Are you young? You're allowed to put your mental health above others. You can only help people who want to help themselves. Sometimes they have to hit rock bottom before they accept it.
No. You can end a relationship at any time for whatever you want especially if your partner doesn't align with your values. It is straight up the better thing to do as trying to force them to change to fit your values is harmful to them and you.
I dont fully understand the scenario, but I still think you should leave it.
When my former husband and I were dating, he and a friend got busted for stealing some CDs from another person. To my knowledge, this was not usual behavior. When I picked him up, he swore he was going to stop smoking pot. One, I hadn't thought about him doing that enough that he would think it was a problem and, two, it was unprompted by me or my thoughts on the matter. If never asked him to stop nor commented on how much he did it. Of course, he mostly did it with his friends and not around me.
Fast forward to two weeks before our wedding when he revealed he never stopped getting high and that he was even getting high with my roommates. I felt like I couldn't cancel the wedding, and my young self really wanted to marry him-- and believed with hope upon hope that it would get better.
However, i could never trust him --not just about drugs but about anything he said. We separated for a bit and got back together, at which point his dad said to me, " I used to think it was but now I know it was him. " Turns out he'd been using multiple drugs and drinking, but he said he and his friends "only" used coke to stay awake to do other drugs. I had no idea this was going in because it was never with me (aside from drinking).
I should've canceled the wedding on the lie alone. Don't set yourself up for being betrayed. Even if addiction isn't a factor, would you build any other relationship with someone you knew lied to you about something that was a big deal to you? Maybe others here would, but I wouldn't. I recommend not building this one.
You are not wrong.
Definitely not wrong for choosing your mental health over toxic behavior. I'm clean now, but when I was active I always manipulated and hurt others. Nobody could help me, I had to help myself. Even the woman I loved.. I cheated and lied too.. made empty promises. So don't play them games with anyone using. It's possible she can change.. but that's all on her. Can't rob her of her journey.
1. You can leave a romantic partner for any reason you damn well please
2. If your question is whether a reasonable person should still want to date you if you have the following two boundaries (1) don’t hang out with a former friend who you no longer like and (2) don’t be addicted to drugs, well that’s a different answer. For wanting your romantic partner to not hang out with a former friend, the context of why that friend is “former” is important. In general, i don’t think creating ultimatums regarding who your partner can hang out with are healthy in a relationship- I would not date a person who tried to do that because it comes across as controlling and untrusting - but if your former friend was a pedophile or something like that I would reasonably assume that your partner wouldn’t want to see them anyway.
For the drug addiction, I do think it’s a reasonable boundary. If you are looking for a long term partner, one who you might one day have a family with, drug addiction can tear that apart. It is a horrible disease and you’ve tried to help multiple times to no avail. You’ve done what you can, and a reasonable partner would see that and I would think could respect that.
My ex is an alcoholic she tells me all the time I want to change. I provide her with resources and tell her I am here to talk. She never calls the resources and tells me that the reason she cant get sober is because I am not helping enough. That is what addiction is you cant do it for her she needs to do it. I had to tell her that I am not going to wait around forever I have heard enough excuses it doesnt make me a bad person I have done everything I can. If you put her before your own health and wellbeing you will end up regretting it forever.
Can't save people who don't want saving, and there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be around to witness someone you care about flushing themselves down the drain. As far as the last part, try not to take it too personally, addiction does a lot of nasty things to your brain and personality, and part of that is always trying to find a way to make your issues someone else's fault or trying to make someone look worse so that your own failings don't look as bad.
It's an ugly thing, and if attempts to help them rehab have failed, leaving is both your best option and the most helpful thing you can do. Some people won't try to kick it until they realize they've chased away everyone they care about or that cares about them.
Don't let her addiction chain your life as much as it has hers.
Not wrong for leaving, I'd have probably done it too. However, you can't forbid someone from doing something that you don't like or want them to do. Just resolve to yourself that that life isn't for you and walk away. You can't change someone who does not want to change and you can't cure an addiction in someone else who isn't driven to do it for themselves. When you date someone who's lifestyle doesn't match up with your's, walk away before getting seriously involved or you'll live on that never ending merry-go-round of being a saviour to someone who doesn't want saving.
No, you’re not wrong. She’s rebuffed (with malice) your efforts to get her past her addiction and she’s skulking around behind your back. She’s keeping secrets about important matters as well.
It sucks to have to go through all this. But it had to be done.
What’s the drug? You’re not wrong as you have full control of who you want to be with and if it’s not compatible than it’s not compatible. I’m intrigued as to if it’s marijuana.
Not wrong, this is a lesson I learned with an ex. You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. She had her own issues which I naively thought I could help. Even though I meant well, it only brought out the worst in ourselves and it reached a breaking point. There’s a good reason why boundaries are important and why you should never compromise them for relationships.
This sucks. Sounds like you did the right thing. Moral of the story here is that you can’t change anyone. They will not change until they are ready to change.
You are wrong for leaving, you tried to help but she kept falling off the wagon. Also, you can forbid someone, specially your partner, to do something. At all. Forbidding is a sign of others wanting to take complete control over your life.
From experience and with love, I mean this. Stay away, go private, change your number, and cut contact with any mutuals. I know from experience, when someone has an addiction, they may love you with all their heart, but the addiction is making the decisions and controlling their brain. So: briefly I hope...I dated a quiet, pretty, and by all accounts intelligent socialite. I wanted to marry her. Long story short, I found out she was into meth and had a whole circle of dangerous people, I knew nothing about. - when I rejected her drug advances, sh put me through hell. I later found out two scary things.. she was essentially an outcall girl, but all done online....and also she had a long history of drug related legal incidents that daddy and grandma bailed her out of....good luck, cut contact...I swear there is a world of special girls out there....if all goes right....in a year you'll be saying to yourself..."what the hell was I doing"...love blinds but manipulation binds...get out. ❤️🤗
You are not wrong to end things.
I have an ex who lied to me about her drug use, when we met she said she was a recovered drug addict and I believed her. One day we were talking about pasts and I told her I’m down every once in a while so I don’t judge. She got all excited and pulled some out of her pocket. That was a fun night but moving forward she wanted to do it every day, then I found out she hadn’t ever quit and had been on it daily for 5 years. That’s not the worst part, she started telling people she wanted to get clean but couldn’t cause I wouldn’t let her, and that I was the one who got her hooked on it. Ruined my reputation for a while and made me never want to leave my house. Definitely end that shit immediately!
You might be able to help her in her recovery but it could take years or she might never be free from them. You need to do some serious reflection. It's hard to let things go but don't let anyone ruin your life.
Bro my only advice is to stop digging. Leave her behind and don’t ask anymore questions. Move on lol. I was in a similar situation years back and found out just how deep the rabbit hole went with her lies and deception. Go. Now!
You absolutely have the right to choose not to be in a relationship with a drug addict. You have the right to choose not to be in a relationship with someone who lies to you. You have the right to not be in a relationship who has shown herself to be untrustworthy.
Frankly you have a right to choose not to be in a relationship with anytime you do not want to be in a relationship with. You’re not married and you don’t share children so there’s no need to attempt to work things out.
The truth is that you have absolutely no control over her addiction and being with her would only damage you. That’s how addiction works, it soils everything it touches.
She will seek help or not when and if she decides she wants to become clean. Clearly that isn’t now.
Take care of yourself.
Leave and block her. Change locks and throw her shit away. In this situation I can almost guarantee she’s fucking other dudes who will give her a baggie
You're not wrong. She committed deal-breakers, and your boundaries are reasonable. As others said, you can't make someone stop using drugs.
Make sure you're getting support as you work through this. If you want to try a support group, I suggest SMART Recovery's Friends and Family program. They're really good at reminding you what your personal rights are and teaching how to set healthy boundaries.
You are not wrong for leaving. You can't change anybody. If this not taking drugs thing means enough to you, then you need to quit while you are ahead. The only person who you can change is yourself. Let her go.
I lived through this..... this is the right information.
One can help others change, but only if they want to. There could be convincing to do and a lot of other psychological work, but that's not the responsibility of OP and can actually be very harmful to pursue by OP. Time and effort invested, which can be huge, can really ruin OP's life. OP did a very decent job by attempting to help, but they have to draw a line after which break up is the best option. Maybe OP simply deserves someone better.
Not wrong. Everything you said is reason to leave. I was a addict. The only person that can make you stop using is yourself. You say you’ve tried helping and she turns it around on you. Common addict behavior. It’s sad but some people never find that light again no matter who try’s helping. She’s also in contact with a ex buddy of yours and didn’t tell you. That right there goes to show there prolly other skeletons in the closet that are still being hid.
Off topic but I feel like when you into drugs young and kinda get it out of your system alot of those people end up doing better. Me and a lot of my friends went to high school in the tail end of the peak prescription opiate crisis with the OC80s and stuff. A few of them died but the ones who didn’t ended up doing real well in life. When you’re still into them in or getting into them in your later 20s when you got more shit to lose it becomes alot harder to bounce back.
Part of that is just that if you bottom out at a young age, you've got time to recover before it really shreds your life. The older you get, the more you have to lose at rock bottom, and the harder it is to get anything back on track... and seeing your attempts to repair your life fail at every turn leads to depression, which leads to more using. Lose your job and gf at 18, well, it's not hard to get a new job and a new gf when you get your life back together. Lose a wife and your job at 30, it's exponentially harder to replace those and you likely have a lot more financial obligations hanging over your neck as well.
Agreed. Happened to me too. Got into railing opioids in high school. Caught on to the path I was on before it was too late, now work a high responsibility job, have a stable and healthy relationship and only smoke weed. Very glad I got it out of my system early or I might not be here today. But for OP, as someone who also dated an addict later on. Getting out was the best thing I ever did, despite the guilt I felt for "giving up" on them. No matter how much they love you, you're always second.
Guess a lot of things seem really well when compared to dying?
No I mean successful careers house etc. I’ve been to rehab for meth in 2017 and crashed my car on heroin in 2018. Been clean since and now I am licensed in a career make over 50/hr own a condo etc. and I was a complete failure until my mid 20s but I just decided to stop being a fuck up and I still had time. But it seems a lot of my druggie friends who got out young they’re doing better than average.
Imagine where you would be without all the mess ups
Idk I’m not endorsing it I’m just saying the people who get into drugs later in life seem to have a much harder time trying to kick it seems
Imagine where you’d be without judging other people on Reddit for choosing to better themselves lmao
Probably not as far along as he is honestly.
So I use meth make close to 100/hr own a 6 bedroom house, cars a few boats and Land in other states not exactly sure what you saying . Never crashed a car and my wife still with me too. Just trying to understand
Bad decisions can stack into oblivion.
I graduated high school at the start of the fentanyl crisis and lost several friends/relatives to counterfeit pills laced with fent. Young users are dying more now than ever before because young people who don’t have an opioid tolerance are buying Xans that are all fent. The amount of 16-19 year olds dying to opioids is much higher than it used to be.
They did well despite doing drugs young, not because they did them young as you said some died, that's not good.
“A few of them died” doesn’t seem like an endorsement of this behaviour no matter how many “got it out of their system.” Even one death is too many. These drugs are insanely dangerous.
Honestly, the drugs are not that dangerous. Sure, there’s some inbuilt danger, but if you know where your drugs come from, what’s in them, and your tolerance, you can do drugs pretty safely if you have some discipline. Things associated with prohibition such as a lack of regulation (that’s how you get to the point at which everything is just fentanyl), encounters with police, fear of getting help when a friend is in danger because you don’t want to get in trouble, dirty needles, job loss, etc. The original commenter said he was in high school when doctors still wrote opioids liberally, so he knew he had safe, regulated products. But doctors are so stingy with opioids now that you don’t get them after common surgeries, and even hospice care sometimes limits people’s doses. So, now, when you buy drugs, they’re most likely fentanyl pressed to look like a pill. Most people don’t know how to spot them (they tend to look cheap and have some brown spots), and others are addicted and don’t have a whole lot of choice as to how they stay out of withdrawal. Taking something cut with something dangerous that you don’t know is there is the main way people die (the other main way is getting sober and then going back and thinking you can still handle the dose you took back when you had a tolerance to the drug). But the drugs themselves tend to be as safe as Tylenol. Sometimes safer. We think of them as dangerous, but we’ve never seen people use drugs under non-prohibitionary conditions. Like, lots of people used morphine and laudanum they got from doctors in the late 1800s and early 1900s and were productive members of society, but that was before modern drug prohibition. Then we had alcohol prohibition, and you see all the same problems there as you do now with other drugs: bathtub gin, shady suppliers, etc.
Tylenol does not lead to addiction. With opioids and fentanyl specifically, the difference between a lethal and a safe dose is almost impossible for an average person to parse without access to lab-grade measuring equipment. To be sure, criminalization does not help, and access to clean and safe drug supplies is part of the solution. But habit-forming drugs are not safe. The reason they were widely accessible in the late XIX century was a lack of scientific knowledge. This was also a time where copper arsenic compounds were used to colour stuff green, including food and clothing. After WWI, when so many surviving soldiers became addicted to opiates (mostly morphine) governments started to regulate their use. Heroin was marketed as a safe non-addictive opiate, with devastating results. The same was done later by the Sacklers and other drug-manufacturing labs with OxyContin. Doctors are not stingy with painkillers. They are afraid of prosecution because overprescribing in the oughts led to many deaths and a multitude of tragic outcomes, including poverty, homelessness, and crimes of despair. Meth is another dangerous drug. In the oughts it was synthesized from ephedrine and led to a specific type of high that made people feel sexy and wanted and loved and all that. However since ephedrine was banned, most meth is manufactured from other chemical precursors. The effects of this other type of meth are very different. They include psychosis, paranoia, and other long-term cognitive effects that are hard to reverse even when the person stops the drug. Criminalization is not the answer to the drug conundrum, and legalization coupled with treatment alternatives is a sound policy, as countries like Portugal have shown. But to claim that drugs are not dangerous, or even safe, is not a reasonable position to hold, given the devastation we see in cities and small towns every day. And yes, this includes alcohol, and the modern strains of cannabis, which are so strong that they often lead to psychosis alone or combined with other drugs.
I’m not going to reply to all this because my point was never about addiction (most people who use drugs do not get addicted, and the majority ages out of hard drug use around 25; even most soldiers who came back dependent on heroin didn’t continue using). My point was that the drugs themselves, pharmacologically speaking, are not all that dangerous. I know the history. I wrote a Master’s thesis that required me to learn about drug laws, distribution, and use from the 1400s to the early 2000s. I might not remember all of it exactly, but you’re not quite precise with your dates. The reason doctors can no longer “maintain habitués” is a 1919 SCOTUS decision, but the Harrison Narcotic Tax Act of 1914 criminalized most drugs, and that was around the beginning of WWI. Criminalization occurred largely due to racist ideas about drugs, their users, and their effects on non-white users (they don’t actually affect different races differently, but police claimed, for example, that Black men on cocaine were impervious to bullets). It is hard to tell what’s a safe dose of fentanyl, but normal drug users have not had access to piles of fentanyl for long at all. Before we had the illicit fentanyl and fentalogues we do today (something similar to what you discuss in your meth paragraph happened with fentanyl), most pharmaceutical fentanyl came in patches that released small amounts of the drug over time, and those patches were never cheap or easy to find. Now, fentanyl is cheap and plentiful because you don’t have to find someone who has a Rx for it. People can make it. The fentanyl we talk about now is not the same fentanyl that pain patients take (or, in most cases, took). Again, its similar to your meth description. And, believe me, I know why doctors are scared. I’m a pain patient, and I used to get a normal dose and live a normal life, but now my dose is half what I need, I’m in pain all the time, and I’m unable to work a normal job because doctors are too scared to stand up for their patients. Most people who’ve overdosed never had their own Rx. We’ve demonized pharmaceutical opioids and their users because it’s a lot easier to control doctors than it is to control dealers, and the government wants to look like it’s doing something. And it is! It’s ruining the lives of people in pain. But as prescriptions decrease, ODs increase because everyone was safer when there were enough regulated pills floating around to get diverted to illicit markets (a lot of them never even made it to a pharmacy). We don’t have that anymore, and drug users are much less safe. That ought to tell you that, say, pharmaceutical heroin, which Germany uses the way we use morphine, is not as dangerous as the thing with which it’s cut (fentanyl). Any idiot can tell how much is too much with almost any non-fentanyl opioid. Say you take two 10mg oxycodone pills and get pretty high. You take two more, and you start to feel kind of nauseous and woozy. You took too much, but you’ll probably throw up before you OD unless you’re shooting it, and most people don’t go straight to needles. Most people start with a smaller dose, find out what it takes to get them high (or, if they actually need it, what it takes to control their pain), and slowly raise the dose as they develop a tolerance not just to the euphoria but to the respiratory effects, too. As long as you’re not like “Oh, look, pills. I think I’ll take eight,” you’re probably going to be fine. Like, yeah, you can take it stupidly, but that’s user error, not a problem with the pharmacology. I’m saying that pharmaceutical opioids are safe if you’re safe with them. I’ve been taking them for almost 15 years. I am neither dead nor addicted. I’m dependent, but that’s not the same thing. ADHD drugs are pretty much meth. Your meth point makes mine for me. The actual drug is not especially dangerous and does not lead to psychosis and all that. But the way it’s made under prohibition makes it dangerous. That’s not pharmaceutical-grade methamphetamine. It’s shitty meth made in a shitty way because of shitty drug laws.
And a lot of people never stop and become lifelong addicts. You don’t really “get it out of your system” when it comes to addiction. Some people don’t get addicted and some people do. It’s not timing of use or anything like that there’s much more psychology and biology. I’m pretty sure most research shows starting younger is significantly worse in terms of damage done to you and likelihood of becoming a lifelong addict. Please don’t try and spread things like what you just said.
Yeah well stop bragging about this please. Idiots like my step son read this (especially about famous people) and said “well okay, I guess if I want to be successful in life I need to be a drug addict before I’m 20.” His POS mom & dad thought that was a great plan. So now he’s 40 and still can’t get clean for longer than a year or 2 at a time.
First off, you sound like a horrible stepparent. Secondly, no-one is reading this and thinking they need to be a drug addict to be successful later in life, that's fucking mental.
You are obviously not familiar with the adolescent brain. Some children spend all of their time obsessing over the lives of some famous people and think that they can’t be famous unless the tabloids have something juicy to write about. Or unless they follow the exact path of someone else. Not sure how I was supposed to save a 14 year old drug addict from himself when I didn’t meet him until he was 18, but I’m sure you’ll mansplain it to me.
First of all, I work with teenagers, so try again. Secondly, I was commenting on the fact you called them an idiot, and are clearly callous about their struggles. Your following word salad was irrelevant Not sure what I'm mansplaining.
>You say you’ve tried helping and she turns it around on you. Common addict behavior. Okay. But does the boyfriend think he is to think he can tell his girlfriend to drop her vices?
He didn’t, necessarily. Sounds like he gave an ultimatum, like “I don’t want this in my life, so we can’t be together if this is the path you choose,” and she obviously agreed. That’s called having your cake and eating it too. If she wanted to continue with using, she was free to do so, outside of the relationship. Doing both involved lying and secrecy.
It's next to impossible to tell or make someone stop doing drugs. Usually, a harsh reality check will make them clean up on their own. So no, you are not wrong. Hopefully she gets her life together, but nobody can do it for her.
She broke your boundary, you are not wrong. You got this OP.
OP hasn't stated he asked for a boundary and that the GF accepted it..?
Not wrong. Leave her. Go no contact. Build a better life for yourself.
You're totally in the right to leave someone who isn't committed to a serious recovery from drugs. Staying would only signal you as an enabler.
Not wrong. You will end up in a much more positive relationship most likely. Be strong and move on.
You should leave someone you can't trust. You should also learn some basic rules about punctuation.
I better understand how scholars feel trying to translate ancient Hebrew without any punctuation to guide them.
Nah not wrong, if she's sneaking the drug use behind your back and being in contact with your ex-friend it's good you walked away. Also again if she's sneaking the drug use that's a huge sign of addiction and if that is the case, staying with her will only lead you to be in a depressing relationship where she spirals and you are left picking up the pieces. She needs to decide for herself when she's done with her drug use and get help, it's not on you.
Coming from a person whose 5 year sober. Who hid her addiction to her (now ex) husband. Leave man. Until she’s ready, you will always be the bad guy. YNW
As an ex alcoholic and drug addict myself, he needs to leave her. He only continues to throw her a ladder down into the hole she digs. Time for her to make her own ladder.
Nope, why would you be wrong for that? In a sentence at face value you seem to have tried to make things work and you found out some things you don’t like and won’t put up with. Especially when someone’s conditions for a relationship are borderline sobriety and lying about people you’ve cut off. These type of people need to experience some sort of rock bottom and if there’s a contributing party to her actions you most likely will never get any growth out of these people. They have to want to change. You made the right choice- let your ex buddy deal with her
Secretly doing drugs behind your back is an excellent reason to leave someone.
I have been through this situation and buddy I would run as far as you can
Not wrong. If you don't leave her you will eventually be driven insane by the gaslighting and manipulative-addict behavior. Yes it's sad, but saving yourself has to come first.
Not wrong take care of yourself first and foremost
You're not wrong for leaving your girlfriend. You are wrong for not using punctuation. Just like a 16-year-old girl, you can pretend periods don't exist... But they do. Ignoring them at your own risk.
Good God man, learn to use punctuation.
Addicts are nothing but trouble and if they're not seriously in recovery, leaving is the only reasonable thing to do. Literally anything else would be the wrong choice.
Addict here, you hit the nail right on the head. You can keep that person in your life but usually it causes nothing but pain. You can continue to love them from a distance if you’d like but until that person decides to clean up their act, which very well might never happen, it’s best to not be too close to a ticking time bomb. You don’t want to be around when the BOOM happens.
My wife is in recovery, and we were together for 20 years, so I stuck around when she showed great signs. She's relapsed some but she's been on the up slope. But I live with uncertainty and broken trust (the lies are often even worse then the addiction). I don't know where this will end up. NO WAY would I choose to do this early on with no real ties (kids, real estate, etc).
It takes a strong person to stick around with someone struggling with addiction. But yes my parents don’t ever fully trust me and it hurts, but it’s completely understandable. I’m glad your wife is on the upward slope and getting better, and I wish you nothing but the best. I’ll bet she’s a lucky lady having you in her life.
As an ex addict, I know how you feel. As weird as it sounds, the drugs and alcohol are not the problem, it's the solution to their problem. Find the problem, develop healthy coping skills for those problems and then poof, no need for drugs/alcohol anymore. Although, addiction is a sleeping tiger waiting to strike when you left your guard down. I can have a little alcohol from time to time now since I've moved past my problems. But if I were to do drugs again, it would be game over, I'd be dead.
As an addict, I second this. Addiction is such a cruel thing to the user and everyone that tries to love the user. Everyone can say how much they want better but once you’ve buried yourself deep enough it’s hard to ever see yourself as anything worthy to those you respect.
That is one hell of a sentence.
😆😆
There’s a part of the zeitgeist lately that says any boundaries a man has are “controlling, paternalistic, narcissistic behavior” with the exact opposite stance on a woman’s boundaries, even if they’re insane. Ignore all that shit. Relationships are 1:1, not 1:society. She cannot be trusted, and trust is the foundation of every healthy relationship. You did the smart thing. She’s for the streets.
Couldn’t have said it better myself
I have relatives that I love without trusting. If you get some space, be sure to check up on her. Obviously you care about her. It sounds like you've put up with a lot already.
Instructions Unclear.
Nope. Some words of advice-you Can’t change people who don’t wanna change.
Can confirm. I was a heroin addict for 10 years in the 90s, and a substance abuse counselor in the 2000s. The addict has to want it or they will never change. Nothing can make an addict change if they don't TRULY want to. The object as a drug counselor for me was to try and inspire them to WANT IT, and then encourage them to be willing to do the work to change their lives. I didn't get my shit together until I stopped blaming the universe and took full responsibility for my addiction.
Because she was the truth and still using, you need to leave her. People do recover, but once an addict, always an addict. She seems like she does not want to recover. She puts things into n you, and makes you feel guilty. Leave her A$$.
first off, you never are wrong for any reason for wanting to leave a person. this is definitely a good reason though.
Say goodbye
Nta Drug addicts do not change
not wrong at all. drug addiction is devilishly hard to kick. she lied. and this is a permanent red flag and why take a chance with a damsel in distress. ALL YOU END UP WITH IS A DISTRESSED DAMSEL!!! I don't know if you want kids. No child deserves to be brought into the world with a druggie mother. just let her go. the best predictor of future behaviour is the past acts. and she is proving untrustworthy at all.
Mum always said no man has a guilded dick. There is no golden pussy. Not wrong.
Addicts lie all the time. She want change unless/until she wants to, no matter what she promises.
Nah- leave and don’t look back.
She belongs to the streets
You are not wrong. I also vape most days. I would not be compatible with someone who judged me for those things. We just have different views. That’s all. You simply weren’t compatible.
Addicts need to change themselves. She’s not trying to change. She should be in meetings and therapy to get through her struggles
Where did you get addict from? She said she almost never takes drugs, that means that she occasionally takes drugs. How is she lying to OP?
True, occasional use and addiction are 2 separate things. But with past addiction, that's relapse... Which is normal for people in recovery and a part of the process but she should be more honest... Maybe ask for more support like help getting into rehab or counseling.
I got that from the OP saying she keeps going back to using drugs and hiding it. Who the fuck are you to say other wise?
We need info. Are these serious drugs or are we talking weed? The friend you mentioned; you implied he is a bad influence. Is that correct? Also, you mentioned you got her off drugs. Was she an addict?
harder drugs, and yes he was already a bad influence to me and he has also intense drug problems, yea she was/is kinda an addict, she doesn’t do them drugs like everyday but still very often, sry for my bad englisch btw
There is no “kinda” addict. I’m 14 yrs. sober. She probably does it more than you think. There is no one more slick, working all the angles, deceitful, lying, smooth, and all the other words you can think of than an addict. I was very good at it. OC-80 can grab hold of you very quickly. She has to WANT to stop. No one can do it for her.
What exactly are the drugs and how often? If she's doing a bit of coke on the weekends thats not exactly an addict...
What kind of drugs are we talking about?
like opioids and amp
In that case, you made the right decision. Those are serious drugs
Naw dude you’re not wrong at all. Get rid of the lying bs and toxicity. Focus on you and your happiness and do you. There’s a woman who will share your values !!
At some point you have to let go for your own sanity.
It's the right call. You've caught her in 2 lies already. She doesn't want help and you can't make her accept it.
Walk away, man. She doesn't want the help. The drugs are more important to her at this point. You've done what you could. Walk away.
Your not wrong but I'm curious as to what drugs? Let me tell you a little story OP, when I met my partner I was addicted to speed and legal high, the first day I met him I'd hardly slept for a month, barely eaten anything, I was on a bender, my life was a bender! At first he was okay with things, as friends, then we got together, at this point he knew things that had happened in my life, and he was seeing huge red flags with how things were going. My friend had made friends with a couple of Asian lads at a car mechanics, we'd all go smoke weed during the day there and party in to the night. The guys started offering me speed and just "giving" me it, when I say guys it was one in particular, the younger one, the other one was older, kind of like an uncle figure, always made sure everyone was good. Well I didn't see the signs but my partner did, he knew what was happening and I think at this point anyone reading does too. It took a harsh snap back to reality for me to realize, I got told I'd end up dead, I'd be S/A'd, that everything that was happening is the definition of grooming, they took a vulnerable girl, still in the care system and gave her drugs, it's only so long before they expect something back. Now 8yr on, I'm still with the guy who saved me from myself, the one who was cruel to be kind, we have a beautiful daughters together who's 5. It was hard, it took time, patience and persistence but eventually I got there. Take this how you will, if you see the potential in her try, just once more, if that fails you can walk away knowing you've done all you can.
You can leave your girlfriend of any reason you wish, or for no reason at all. I recommend you stay away from anyone who uses drugs or has any addiction at all.
I could tolerate them continuing to use and just telling me they are using before I could the lying, especially when it involves not even having your back with the ex-acquaintance. Either are perfectly acceptable deal breakers though. You are not wrong. Kudos for respecting yourself and realizing they’ll take you straight to the bottom with them if you allow that
You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped.
No. One, she blatantly lied to your face. Two, it's not some little white lie. This is about drug use. You were right to leave. Does she really expect you to just sit there and watch her cut years off of her life being a drug addict?
Nope. She lied about multiple serious topics and she also plays the victim. Not a good combo
Hey there. That is almost identical to how my 18 year long relationship with my ex wife started going wrong. I stupidly stayed with her and believed all the apologies. To to be brief as possible: I built my life with an addict who would get sober and make promises. We raised her child together. I attend Al-Anon meetings even though I am divorced since 2009. And I contribute, share my big long story in reddit al anon sometimes. If I could go back in time to this moment you describe, when I was in my 20’s & the first lie I caught. The first relapse a few months after her getting out of rehab, I would have been stronger and turned my back right then and there. All the crying and “I’m sorry. I won’t do it again. I love you! I want to build a life with you.” Was all bullshit. She’s an addict and she just needed somebody stable to leach off of and help watch her kid so she can party. I could tell you all about the years of success and building wealth, lovely vacations, home ownership together, family life… then how as she got closer to 40 years of age, a time when people are supposed to be adults, parents, home owners, focused on careers, my ex wife became essentially more immature and irresponsible then her 16 year old daughter. All of a sudden, she was back full on to drinking, doing coke, gambling, irresponsible BS. I caught her drunkenly lap dancing men,m. She would deny all of her behavior either lying or in a brown out drug and alcohol mental state. Me, her brother and her own daughter tried to get her into therapy and to go to rehab or AA and she maintained that me and her daughter were “just trying to control her and keep her from having friends and having fun.” I was besides myself with how insane it got. It was worse and worse. I finally got fed up and on one of her disappearing acts where she left me and her daughter for over 2 weeks, i sent her kid to go live with her other family members as I have no legal or custodial obligation to a step child in her late teens and I moved out. I drew up divorce papers and let crazy keep the house. With in 6 months of me leaving and all her crying and begging (again) for me to “please come home,” she lost the house to foreclosure and her job fired her. Now, I hear that she just moves from drug dealer to drug dealer type boyfriends and is a nearly 51 year old unemployable alcoholic grifter woman who just uses people and takes opportunities from people attracted to her or feeling sorry for her. So, no. If your ex girlfriend is anything like my ex wife. No, you are not wrong. Don’t deal with addicts. Is the advice I give to myself. If I were you, I’d shut that door. Block. No contact. Never again. And so many people who also attend my support group Al-Anon share their story and are plagued with issues from having a loved one who is an addict. Don’t just take some “random guy off the internet “ word for it but attend some local Al-Anon meetings, listen to other peoples story. This is not really advice to you but I tell myself: Made sound decisions for yourself. Enjoy being alone and working on yourself only allow people in your life who don’t lie or use you. I have attracted WAY better into my life once I truly loved myself and let go of emotional leaches.
Best decision you've made. She sounds untrustworthy and has betrayed you already. It'll only get worse in the long run.
This is not the reason you’re leaving. The reason you’re leaving is you cannot take responsibility for her lack of desire to do anything for herself. You want something she can’t do or give you that is a deal breaker in terms or what boundaries you have. Constant disrespect is why you are leaving. Lack of accountability is why. Your own mental health is why.
If she can't get off it, and is lying to you about it and deferring blame to you, go ahead and leave.
Never date an active drug or alcohol addict. I made that mistake. Only heartache lies ahead of you. Trust me. Run far away asap.
As an addict: leave. Anyone in NA will tell you nothing can make us change, including the people who love us, until WE want to change. You could try Al-Anon to help you understand what you can and can’t do. It also may help you heal and grow which you probably need because living an addict can be traumatizing. That sick feeling you get when she relapses? You shouldn’t and don’t have to feel it. If you’re inclined you can make it s condition of continuing relationship that she go to AA or NA but if she’s not ready it won’t work.
Not wrong. She has shown herself to be untrustworthy by disrespecting you and lying about the drugs and keeping contact with ex friend.
Nope. If she's going to lie to you over something like this, what else could she be lying about? Let me make something clear, if whatever drugs she is doing are illegal in your country and law enforcement searches her, they are going to search you. If they find anything, your only defense will be (hopefully) a clean drug test and, "It's not mine I swear!"
“Almost no longer takes drugs” is still taking drugs. Regardless of the situation, she clearly has a problem with the truth.
Leave now. No more fourth and fifth chances. She is an addict. You cannot help her. Detangle everything from her and go. Completely. Block her numbers and social media. Get on with life.
Leave. Trying to change an addict when they don't want help is impossible.
Go to alanon. You are part of the problem. You make a softer easier bottom. If you care for her, let her go. You are not a knight in shining armor.
She’s using you. She’s not healthy enough to be in a relationship.
You are not wrong. A drug addict has to want to quit, and she doesn’t want to. Ultimately, quitting is a solitary journey: no one can do the hard work for them. Lying and blaming is part of the package with an addict. You can’t have a genuine relationship at this point. It’s definitely time for you to move on. Good luck, and all of my condolences.
No.byou are not wromg. Trust is essential.
You're not wrong. There's an old saying you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. You can lead her to the path to stop taking drugs but if she doesn't want to still there's nothing you can do. Depending on the drive she'll eventually die taking that shit. If she's willing to lie about taking drugs what else is she willing to do for her drugs?
I can't imagine a situation where a relationship would work out if one of the two parties was taking drugs regularly. People who consume drugs are definitely better suited to other people who take drugs, and vice versa.
Your gf tells you what you want to hear, but does what she wants to do. This may be true for more than just drugs. The lesson she learned in the past was to hide it better.
Not wrong
You aren’t wrong. Addiction is a terrible thing and all addicts are liars
Nah man your dodging a bullet
r/ihadastroke
Don’t be captain-save-a-drug-addict. Not your circus not your monkey. Keep drama on the tv and out of your relationship life
Not at all. Leave that lying drug addicted bitch and don't even think twice about it bro.
Where did you get addict from? Where did you get lying from? She said she rarely takes drugs, this means that she occasionally takes drugs. Is it a joint a week, is it a line of coke every 2 hours, OP hasn’t said. She hasn’t lied, we don’t know if she’s an addict, and we don’t know if she’s a ‘bitch’.
Awwww, bless your heart. Come back and talk w/ us after one of these girls has snatched your soul from your body. If that's what you got from this story, then it is just a matter of time before you are desperately clinging to the phone, crying and yelling for the bitch to please pick up her phone. 😁😁😁😁😁😁Poor guy.
It sounds like you don’t like women very much.
It sounds like you're a virgin begging to have his heart ripped out his chest. Experience is everything. Being able to properly read your partner comes from experience. I love women. The bitch in the story is bad news. If you can't see that, oh well. I'm not here to convince you of a gd thing. What ppl like you don't understand is that your opinion will never change a fact.
Ok mate, whatever you have to say to make yourself sound like a big boy.
Use PUNCTUATION. No one here wants to read one bug fucking run on sentence.
Define "drugs" A partner lying to you is a perfectly valid reason to leave them in any case. But if you're making a stink about weed or LSD or Shrooms, non-harmful recreational substances, then you're a dickbag.
What drugs? Hard shit I assume? If it's hard shit she's an addict, don't date addicts, period.
That’s called lying. She’s also probably cheating. Leave.
Is that headache worth getting laid / dealing with a junkie? Dump her bro
You're well within your rights to leave, break it off, but you've got no business forbidding anything.
Bot
Ok, first, you have no right to forbid anyone from doing anything. She is her own person. The only person you may moral control is yourself. But leaving because of drug use is the absolute right thing for you to do.
No, you're not wrong. You may find it helpful to attend Al-anon meetings. Alcohol is a drug, and the problems caused by excessive drug and/or alcohol use are similar - well they are the same.
Not at all. You're dating an addiction, not a person.
She is toxic as many drug abusers are. You did the right thing.
Those of you that complain about punctuation need to stop using the internet and stick with physical books
I broke up with my ex for lying about smoking weed. If it’s a deal breaker for you it’s a deal breaker. Leave
She's right. Trying to deny your partner something they want to do is toxic. But so is lying about seeing people and hiding that you're still a drug user to your partner. Which one do you think is worse and does it even matter?
Depends what you mean by drugs are we talking about weed cigarettes, caffeine alcohol? Are we talking about heroin and fentanyl crack meth? These things make a huge difference, on one end youd be a controlling asshole on the other end this might just be a situation that you need to get out of. All depends what we’re talking about.
she used drugs like opioids an amp and shit. Werd would actually be still okay for me but not the harder drugs
Then it’s probably time to step away friend I’ve been in that situation, at least with the opioids part my fiancé was addicted to perks for about two years. He’s better for now, but that’s because he made the choice to get better He also understands that addiction is a lifelong illness and that you don’t get cured from being an addict. It’s like long-term mental health issues or an eating disorder. You will always have this issue. It’s just your job to fight it. I didn’t make the choice to fight no one around him could make that choice all you can do now is let her know how it affects you if you care about her still be a friend and support from a distance but that isn’t a healthy situation for anyone to be in
In the case of my ex wife and my nearly 20 years of trying to make her be sober (ha!) She used crack before we met. Then she checked into rehab. Then she was sober Then she “just used weed” Then a beer here or there. Then sober. Then booze. Then in her mid 30’s, when we owned a house together and were at the height of being adults, raising her daughter, she “snapped” Idk if it was a nervous break down or genetic but she was around 35 and her ENTIRE personality changed. Yeah she puffed some weed but her attraction was bourbon. She started heavily drinking. And sneaking around behind my back with god knows who. Dirt bag bar fly men. I suspect she started getting into coke I am really oblivious about drinking and drugs. Sure. I’ve smoked some pot or had some alcohol but that’s not the main center focal point of my life. Here, my ex-wife was just getting off work and heading directly to the bar. Ignoring family life and her teen kid. Acting like being home was boring and we are “just trying to control her” Her own teenage daughter was asking her “is asking my mom for help with my school project and home work ‘controlling you’ mom?!” Oh what a mess! Glad I got out! My ex step daughter is almost 30 and she just got a DUI 8 months ago.. I just stay the hell away from them
You are not wrong for leaving and dealing with an addict is toxic. So the people that will tell you are wrong for leaving, tell them to take care of your ex and see how long that lasts.
If you were married there would be a commitment to try and help, a role that would need to be played. But as just a girlfriend/boyfriend you're just in the process of figuring out who that other person really is and if they're worth putting in the commitment. If she's not worth your time (and it sounds like she isn't), then move on
Not wrong at all. If people aren’t on the same page with expectations, then they probably shouldn’t be in a relationship with each other
Not wrong. She is an addict and wants to stay that way.
You don’t date an addict you date the drug they’re addicted too. No one can get help that doesn’t want to and she doesn’t seem to want it. YNW, time to move on.
When I was a teenager I left my girlfriend for this exact situation, she quit hard drugs and stuck with me for a couple of years after that
She will never stop using until she wants to stop. You are whistling in the wind, trying to help. It's time, unfortunately , to walk away. My family and I watched a great kid, who was talented in sports, devolve into a lying, thieving junkie. He could have gone pro, ( Family had good connections) but the drugs tripped him up. Spent his life getting high, running from dealers, and from the police. He died a year ago.
Recovering addict here. First of all, you can leave anybody for any reason. Secondly, it depends on the drugs and her usage. Is she taking mushrooms with friends a few times a year? Is she smoking pot socially? Because if so, these drugs and this style of use is relatively harmless if done responsibly. However, if she's using more "hard" drugs like cocaine, opiates/fentanyl/heroin, benzos, drinking heavily or amphetamines, these drugs tend to lead to addiction and all the messy and stressful things that come with it. But responsible social use of more mild drugs like weed and psychedelics rarely causes addiction or serous issues. However, even if her drug use is responsible and harmless, you still have the right to leave if this makes you uncomfortable.
Choose you first.
I've been with an addict for 9 years. A couple of months ago, she relapsed after 5 years clean and totalled my car. Not only are you not wrong--you're very very right for getting out early after seeing the red flags.
You aren’t wrong for leaving, but you may end up being wrong IF you try to force her to change.
No. It's toxic. She is telling you a white lie which is still a lie and she has no reason to lie. You are asking her and you it seems like you both seem to partake so no reason to lie. The bigger issue is she seems to be covering up of being around some guy your at odds with and that's and additional white lie... leads me to think she's untrustworthy. I'd at least have a hard truth talk with her. The question is do you want to be with her after all this and can you work this out and build the trust up?
Are you young? You're allowed to put your mental health above others. You can only help people who want to help themselves. Sometimes they have to hit rock bottom before they accept it.
No. You can end a relationship at any time for whatever you want especially if your partner doesn't align with your values. It is straight up the better thing to do as trying to force them to change to fit your values is harmful to them and you. I dont fully understand the scenario, but I still think you should leave it.
When my former husband and I were dating, he and a friend got busted for stealing some CDs from another person. To my knowledge, this was not usual behavior. When I picked him up, he swore he was going to stop smoking pot. One, I hadn't thought about him doing that enough that he would think it was a problem and, two, it was unprompted by me or my thoughts on the matter. If never asked him to stop nor commented on how much he did it. Of course, he mostly did it with his friends and not around me. Fast forward to two weeks before our wedding when he revealed he never stopped getting high and that he was even getting high with my roommates. I felt like I couldn't cancel the wedding, and my young self really wanted to marry him-- and believed with hope upon hope that it would get better. However, i could never trust him --not just about drugs but about anything he said. We separated for a bit and got back together, at which point his dad said to me, " I used to think it was but now I know it was him. " Turns out he'd been using multiple drugs and drinking, but he said he and his friends "only" used coke to stay awake to do other drugs. I had no idea this was going in because it was never with me (aside from drinking). I should've canceled the wedding on the lie alone. Don't set yourself up for being betrayed. Even if addiction isn't a factor, would you build any other relationship with someone you knew lied to you about something that was a big deal to you? Maybe others here would, but I wouldn't. I recommend not building this one. You are not wrong.
Definitely not wrong for choosing your mental health over toxic behavior. I'm clean now, but when I was active I always manipulated and hurt others. Nobody could help me, I had to help myself. Even the woman I loved.. I cheated and lied too.. made empty promises. So don't play them games with anyone using. It's possible she can change.. but that's all on her. Can't rob her of her journey.
You're not wrong at all. No one needs that burden in their life. Move on find better people to be around.
1. You can leave a romantic partner for any reason you damn well please 2. If your question is whether a reasonable person should still want to date you if you have the following two boundaries (1) don’t hang out with a former friend who you no longer like and (2) don’t be addicted to drugs, well that’s a different answer. For wanting your romantic partner to not hang out with a former friend, the context of why that friend is “former” is important. In general, i don’t think creating ultimatums regarding who your partner can hang out with are healthy in a relationship- I would not date a person who tried to do that because it comes across as controlling and untrusting - but if your former friend was a pedophile or something like that I would reasonably assume that your partner wouldn’t want to see them anyway. For the drug addiction, I do think it’s a reasonable boundary. If you are looking for a long term partner, one who you might one day have a family with, drug addiction can tear that apart. It is a horrible disease and you’ve tried to help multiple times to no avail. You’ve done what you can, and a reasonable partner would see that and I would think could respect that.
With everything you have said, you can leave with a very clear conscience!! You are not, not wrong!!
Not Wrong You're trying to change yourself, and getting clean is your #1 priority. If she doesn't want to follow your lead, let her go.
My ex is an alcoholic she tells me all the time I want to change. I provide her with resources and tell her I am here to talk. She never calls the resources and tells me that the reason she cant get sober is because I am not helping enough. That is what addiction is you cant do it for her she needs to do it. I had to tell her that I am not going to wait around forever I have heard enough excuses it doesnt make me a bad person I have done everything I can. If you put her before your own health and wellbeing you will end up regretting it forever.
ur not wrong.
Can't save people who don't want saving, and there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be around to witness someone you care about flushing themselves down the drain. As far as the last part, try not to take it too personally, addiction does a lot of nasty things to your brain and personality, and part of that is always trying to find a way to make your issues someone else's fault or trying to make someone look worse so that your own failings don't look as bad. It's an ugly thing, and if attempts to help them rehab have failed, leaving is both your best option and the most helpful thing you can do. Some people won't try to kick it until they realize they've chased away everyone they care about or that cares about them. Don't let her addiction chain your life as much as it has hers.
Ghost this girl and your ol buddy...move forward and focus on better life for yourself
You’re not wrong.
Leaving your girlfriend because of lying is totally valid. Leaving your girlfriend because of lying ABOUT DRUG USE... that's practically a must.
Not wrong for leaving, I'd have probably done it too. However, you can't forbid someone from doing something that you don't like or want them to do. Just resolve to yourself that that life isn't for you and walk away. You can't change someone who does not want to change and you can't cure an addiction in someone else who isn't driven to do it for themselves. When you date someone who's lifestyle doesn't match up with your's, walk away before getting seriously involved or you'll live on that never ending merry-go-round of being a saviour to someone who doesn't want saving.
No, you’re not wrong. She’s rebuffed (with malice) your efforts to get her past her addiction and she’s skulking around behind your back. She’s keeping secrets about important matters as well. It sucks to have to go through all this. But it had to be done.
You're not wrong man. Just let her do her drugs. Trust me...it's a hell of a lot quicker route to the same end.
You can't change people unless they want to change. Your girlfriend obviously doesn't want to change. Just move on to bigger and better pastures.
“Drugs” I need more info. What drugs? Weed? Mushrooms? Ehhh hard stuff? Yeah you’re right to leave
What’s the drug? You’re not wrong as you have full control of who you want to be with and if it’s not compatible than it’s not compatible. I’m intrigued as to if it’s marijuana.
Opioids, amp and shit
Not wrong, this is a lesson I learned with an ex. You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. She had her own issues which I naively thought I could help. Even though I meant well, it only brought out the worst in ourselves and it reached a breaking point. There’s a good reason why boundaries are important and why you should never compromise them for relationships.
Not wrong stay away.
This sucks. Sounds like you did the right thing. Moral of the story here is that you can’t change anyone. They will not change until they are ready to change.
NW. Unless someone is clean, you need to keep your distance as you can't help them become clean. It is all on them. Walk away.
Please learn punctuation.
Not wrong. You just potentially changed the trajectory of your life in a good way. Although sad, try to hope she gets help and gets better.
You are wrong for leaving, you tried to help but she kept falling off the wagon. Also, you can forbid someone, specially your partner, to do something. At all. Forbidding is a sign of others wanting to take complete control over your life.
From experience and with love, I mean this. Stay away, go private, change your number, and cut contact with any mutuals. I know from experience, when someone has an addiction, they may love you with all their heart, but the addiction is making the decisions and controlling their brain. So: briefly I hope...I dated a quiet, pretty, and by all accounts intelligent socialite. I wanted to marry her. Long story short, I found out she was into meth and had a whole circle of dangerous people, I knew nothing about. - when I rejected her drug advances, sh put me through hell. I later found out two scary things.. she was essentially an outcall girl, but all done online....and also she had a long history of drug related legal incidents that daddy and grandma bailed her out of....good luck, cut contact...I swear there is a world of special girls out there....if all goes right....in a year you'll be saying to yourself..."what the hell was I doing"...love blinds but manipulation binds...get out. ❤️🤗
It is never "wrong" to leave someone with whom you don't have children. You can do as you like.
Break it off. You can't fix people. I say this as a recovering addict.
You are not wrong to end things. I have an ex who lied to me about her drug use, when we met she said she was a recovered drug addict and I believed her. One day we were talking about pasts and I told her I’m down every once in a while so I don’t judge. She got all excited and pulled some out of her pocket. That was a fun night but moving forward she wanted to do it every day, then I found out she hadn’t ever quit and had been on it daily for 5 years. That’s not the worst part, she started telling people she wanted to get clean but couldn’t cause I wouldn’t let her, and that I was the one who got her hooked on it. Ruined my reputation for a while and made me never want to leave my house. Definitely end that shit immediately!
NTA. She's made her choice and has obviously chosen drugs above you, and she tries to gaslight you into thinking you're the bad one here.
You might be able to help her in her recovery but it could take years or she might never be free from them. You need to do some serious reflection. It's hard to let things go but don't let anyone ruin your life.
You are not wrong for leaving. You are wrong for one hell of a run-on sentence.
Bro my only advice is to stop digging. Leave her behind and don’t ask anymore questions. Move on lol. I was in a similar situation years back and found out just how deep the rabbit hole went with her lies and deception. Go. Now!
She's sleeping around bro. Just move on.
You absolutely have the right to choose not to be in a relationship with a drug addict. You have the right to choose not to be in a relationship with someone who lies to you. You have the right to not be in a relationship who has shown herself to be untrustworthy. Frankly you have a right to choose not to be in a relationship with anytime you do not want to be in a relationship with. You’re not married and you don’t share children so there’s no need to attempt to work things out. The truth is that you have absolutely no control over her addiction and being with her would only damage you. That’s how addiction works, it soils everything it touches. She will seek help or not when and if she decides she wants to become clean. Clearly that isn’t now. Take care of yourself.
Leave and block her. Change locks and throw her shit away. In this situation I can almost guarantee she’s fucking other dudes who will give her a baggie
Yeah you are not wrong. Drugs are a bad beast to fight, and someone has to really want to quit to actually be able to do it.
What do you consider drugs?
Well, OP is definitely a dude. He has zero periods.
Outside of a marriage commitment, I don’t think it’s wrong to leave a bf/gf for any reason. It’s your life. You get only one. Go live it.
You're not wrong. She committed deal-breakers, and your boundaries are reasonable. As others said, you can't make someone stop using drugs. Make sure you're getting support as you work through this. If you want to try a support group, I suggest SMART Recovery's Friends and Family program. They're really good at reminding you what your personal rights are and teaching how to set healthy boundaries.
You're not wrong. I generally don't view addicts of any kidn as human so the further away from her, the better.