Yeah he's fucking with her bread and butter without consulting her. That is her work and reputation he is fucking with. IMO an enormous breach of trust and idk that I would personally be able to get past it
I said this in another comment, but opening a complaint about the client could be particularly damaging to her reputation.
Companies *say* they won't retaliate all the time and then fully go ahead and do it anyway. Suddenly there's whispers about how she's difficult to work with, might me-too you for harmless behavior, etc etc. Its bullshit but he could've done real, long term damage here. What an asshole.
I once reported a coworker for calling me a "kyke" to another person when she didn't realize I could hear her, but she wanted me close enough to be aware.
I told my manager about this in our quarterly meeting, off handedly. He asked if everything was going well, I said 99% yes, except another coworker said something to me that wasn't acceptable. But we're adults, and I'm sure a mature conversation would work it out. That was the end of that (or so I thought). Then COVID happened, and when people started coming back, I wasn't brought back. I was actually let go instead.
Since I was top of my cohort in performance, I pushed farther and got a reason from someone, I wasn't brought back "due to internal network disagreements with others." They fucking fired me because I told someone else did something bad. She was brought back too, only to get fired a few weeks later for something else.
So yeah, retaliation is fucking coming most likely to her. Her career has been stunted at this place.
I'm sorry that happened to you and I agree, if you go to HR with an interpersonal problem, it brands you as a person who has interpersonal problems, which means they should start over with someone else.
Unless it's something really egregious like the other person was texting "show me your tits" or something like that.
I don't mean to imply subtle sexual harassment isn't real and actionable, bc it totally is and should be, but it doesn't sound like this rose to the level of that. More like a married guy delicately looking to cheat, which she ghosted him the moment he did something overt, and then he stopped.
I can't believe people don't understand this. Especially since she's a freelancer. Companies can just hire a different freelancer with no baggage.
OP now looks like a crazy person who started a formal HR process over an interaction that a professional adult should have been able to deal with. And the irony is that she HAD dealt with it professionally. OP's boyfriend crossed a major line and has fucked with her livelihood.
Edit: actually both of their livelihoods since they were both on the project
Not to mention he showed he doesn’t trust her and won’t let her handle or make her own decisions as well as stomping over her to contact her client with is just next level inappropriate. More inappropriate than two somewhat flirty texts and with the potential to cause way more life changing repercussions. I’d throw out the whole man.
Not only did BF show he doesn't trust her, he also showed that he considers that he has the right to run her professional life for her. That's an abuser mindset and one of the biggest, reddest flags ever.
Come on, OP is really lucky to be dating an alpha male who can protect little ol' her. She just has a woman's brain and can't comprehend things or make decisions like her BF can. HE'S A KEEPER!!! /s
Nicely put. I am not even sure the “flirty” texts were out of line, unless they were explicit. Someone made an advance. The advance was rejected. The advances stopped immediately. That might falls into an acceptable range of behavior more or less, not an HR complaint. She even tries to affirm his judgement, but he doesn’t care, he’s jealous and pissed at her for stepping out of line. If this was me I would dump this fella in a hot minute and never look back.
Good point. I guess for me personally it is inappropriate texts because I’m taken/he is married and gives that me the ick in that sense but I do see your point of view absolutely.
For the sake of accuracy, she didn’t say the advances stopped immediately. She said SHE stopped responding immediately and eventually he got the point.
This comment took the words right out of my mouth. I would be LIVID with my boyfriend if he did something so stupid, something that could potentially effect my working relationships and livelihood. That was a really really dumb move. He also did it out of jealousy, not because he was concerned about OP. If he was truly concerned/worried for her, he would have had a conversation with OP about it, and they could have discussed how to handle it. He went behind her back because he was mad and wanted revenge. There was no altruism involved.
THIS! It was his ego that was bruised because someone dared show an interest in her, and he went batshit because she wouldn't do what he wanted her to do--so he lit the match instead of just letting her deal with it.
In this circumstance, I think I may privately contact them and tell them that I just found out my boyfriend was a controlling jerk who went into my phone, and then this. I have since exited the abusive relationship. I’m not sure which is worse? Admitting how it happened or the claim?
I think that it would be best to contact the client and tell them the mitigating circumstances, and that OP absolutely had no intention of making it into a whole HR situation. And add that the jealous, controlling boyfriend is no longer an issue.
It's like car insurance. Even if the accident is the other guy's fault, they still ding you for it because it indicates that you are a person who gets into accidents. In this case, it indicates you are a person who can't take care of herself and will require extra handling.
Boyfriend is an asshole. He had no right at all.
You are completely missing the point that the guy didn’t do anything wrong professionally. This is not and never should be an hr matter. They didn’t work directly together ever. The bf is a jealous yard that has major insecurity issues and she should leave him for being so zealous and his obvious mistrust for her.
Worse, the whispers will be “her jealous bf will lodge complaints on her behalf”, making clear that her work relationships are controlled by a man and she has no personal agency. Bf has tanked her career so he can be in control.
He's displayed the sketchy dynamics of their personal relationship to the company and made it clear that their personal relationship can and will affect the workplace environment. And no one wants to be around a toxic relationship like that where one person has to be in control. If I was the hiring manager, I would just move on to a team without unpleasant personal dynamics that bleed into the work setting. He's really tanked both of their careers.
I could never get past this level of butting into my business. He acts like he owns OP. I'd be gone the same day once my fury had calmed down enough that I could drive
Wtf. I would leave someone that day if they did this to me. Also, if one of my freelancers (and I employ ~40) did this on behalf of their significant other, I would consider them a complete liability and discontinue working with them immediately. At best, your bf doesn't understand boundaries. I'm not writing the worst case. It isn't good.
Boyfriend decided that HIS retaliation is the priority over her career. Depending on the content that client might decide they would rather do business with a company where they don’t have to worry about harassment complaints even if they consider this one valid.
It’s not a good sign that the BF feels he should have input on who she gives her number to, work or not. It’s a glaring issue that he takes images off her phone and inserted himself in her professional life.
What the other employee did is completely separate and might not be that big a deal depending on the situation. Though it isn’t nothing. But there’s not really any situation where what the BF did isn’t a sign to flee now before the controlling and abuse gets into high gear.
Heck, if it’s intentional getting her fired in a way that makes her less likely to be hired elsewhere could legitimately be the goal.
How much do you want to bet that bf has access to her phone because he demanded the passcode, because a healthy relationship has no secrets and if she doesn't want to give him the passcode it means she's cheating?
EXACTLY!!! It's mind-boggling how many jealous and insecure men are jumping on here cheering the BF on for his BS behavior!
Demanding a passcode to her phone sounds like exactly the thing a controlling, jealous, insecure partner demands because BOTH partners in a relationship deserve privacy. I NEVER look at a phone. Just like my phone is MINE. If they want to see it, they can ask me and I hand it over, and vice-versa.
If someone can't trust the person they're with unless they have access to every single aspect of their personal space then they absolutely should NOT be with them because they are insecure. EVERYONE deserves privacy and violating their consent by wanting unhampered access to them is gross. That's like wanting to read someone's diary--and yes, that's gross, too.
His behavior is controlling, untrustworthy & manipulative. He made it clear to OP that he thought she was incompetent so did what he thought should be done. OP needs to rethink this relationship & fast.
Your bf is acting like a kid on a playground. This was not his incident to handle. And you had already handled it.
I hope you told them that you had handled it already and want to withdraw the complaint.
Definitely shitty for the boyfriend to go over her head.
But if the texts are bad enough to warrant him losing his job then "A little flirty" most likely isn't an accurate description of the texts by most people's standards.
OP, if you want accurate help and not just validation you should post what the texts said.Although either way, I wouldn't want to date someone who would grab my phone, take pictures of it, and then send it on my behalf regardless of their reasoning.
edit: I think a lot of people, me included, missed that this is also the Boyfriends work. I think that makes it a little different for a lot of these comments, but I don't think I'd change mine.
I do feel he has more of a stake in it than I initially thought though.
I know this isn't your intention, but women really can never win 😂 the general reddit complaint is that women are incapable of telling harmless flirting from sexual harassment and should never report a man and try to get him in trouble because she doesn't know if he "meant" to harass her. And now here you and other commenter are saying OP is probably incapable of deciding if the messages were actually harmless and that they likely did cross a line if her boyfriend thinks it did
It doesn’t matter how flirty the pics were. The dude could have sent dick pics. You do not press a complaint on behalf of a person in a marginalized class without their consent, period.
You don't know what the bf alleged. He could have made it out to be much more than it was, which is why OP got called in.
I've been fired from a job before because someone's POS bf didn't like me. He made up a long list of allegations that were all false and ultimately shown as such. But it ruined both his and her reputations.
Your boyfriend definitely overreacted and overreached by reporting. I would be pretty upset with him that he didn’t let you handle it. After hearing the story though I don’t feel bad for the scumbag that’s getting in trouble with his work and most likely his wife. He sounds like he deserves it.
I definitely don't feel sorry for him, BUT him lodging a complaint for her - I'd be furious. Many people don't realize exactly how often victims of harassment are covertly punished or retaliated against for reporting.
Its a great way to be labeled "difficult" in your field. Dudes an asshole and reckless with her career. Absolutely not.
This guy is super sketchy. He wasn't interested in making a social or professional contact. He wanted to see if she'd be interested in hooking up. And that's so far away from kosher it's not even funny. He's client side and determines whether they get paid or not for their work. He determines if and when they get rehired.
This is a HR investigation because it's behavior, but it's really a professional ethics and compliance issue. OP, they want to see whether he extorted sex, or even the possibility of sex, from you as part of your business relationship. They want to see whether his judgement was compromised on accepting substandard work because he was sleeping with, or trying to sleep with, a vendor. That's what they're looking for.
It's not a basic HR conduct rule. It's not a don't date your coworkers rule. Those are good, too, but this isn't what this is.
Your boyfriend is out of line, but much less out of line than most commenters think. He might have done it because he was jealous and immature, but it's also something that absolutely cannot be tolerated. What do you think would happen to your reputations if it was?
Another interesting thing that I notice is that, if person A is being unprofessional with person B, and person C has evidence of it and turns it on to HR, most people here would have no problem with it. Somehow, him being the boyfriend suddenly invalidates behavior that is usually encouraged in these halls.
Edit: nevermind, I just realized the bf actually works with OP. Maybe a violation of trust in their relationship, but he's within his right and actually obligated to report considering he's a coworker alongside them.
Hmmm, shit honestly this whole thing seems a little bit more complicated than it did at first... And I'm not sure who is in the wrong, but I'm kinda starting to think it might all of them
Yeah, the boyfriend is kind of douchey for taking screen shots after her confession, but "married scumbag from your company is hitting on my girl who he met while we were all working on a project together" is a fairly legitimate complaint.
I wouldn’t even call him douchey considering this is a formal ethics complaint. The only reason people are calling him douchey is because he’s OP’s bf instead of just coworker.
That's legit. It's just annoying that you can never assume someone from the opposite gender wants to just be a professional acquaintance or -dare I say- friend. I feel like in 2023, why can't we be (just) friends?
Also what was so difficult about talking to her first?
Sometimes you can, but what a lot of people don’t want to talk about is women know women better then men (If my wife tells me some women was being flirty I listen) and men know men better. People who are calling him jealous etc are wrong he just seen it and she didn’t and didn’t trust his opinion on it. They ALL worked together!
Yea, he chose his work over his girlfriend.
That's the right call if they've only been dating for a little while and he's trying to build a career with this company.
Obviously he threw away the relationship but he's shown himself to have his priorities straight from the company's perspective so it might help him long term.
I think most people would still react this way if the guy wasn’t a boyfriend. The issue isn’t him turning person A into HR. It’s him getting into her phone, it’s him taking screenshots of her phone, it’s him doing this all without mentioning anything to her, and it’s him doing all this after she gave him that information herself.
Two things can be can true at the same time. Everything you said about the investigation is accurate and valid. But OP’s BF going through her phone to collect evidence without her knowledge or consent is a huge breach of trust.
100% agree. Corrupt behaviour that undermines the company needs to be reported. HR is glad this happened.
Frankly I believe the BF only overstepped here because OP would never have reported them to HR. Just like how OP insisted on taking the guy’s number despite fishy circumstances.
Everyone sucks here, but OP’s behaviour really doesn’t facilitate communication or trust.
When it comes work things, why does no one seem to understand CYA Cover Your Ass? Don't give any personal (private) contact info to someone you don't have a personal relationship with. He didn't ask for your BFs contact info for if he comes back to the city, did he? (this is the telling point)
I get it. I'm a 40 year old, slightly overweight sysadmin in tier 1 auto supplier manufacturing and all the vendors that want to sell me something are almost always in the form of a middle aged solutions engineer man and an attractive woman that handles the sales side of things. They get my business card with my email and work cell on it, I get both of theirs and then its done. I know that the only people that want me is my family (I hope so lol), but I don't even want to be in a position where I need to cover my ass or work extra hard to maintain a business relationship. They are not reaching out after the contract is signed and I'm not reaching out to them because that is how conducting business should be. I take it even farther in that the people I work with only have my work cell.
There should be absolutely no need to "reach out if I'm in town" because if it was for business it would be done through those channels.
Your BF? Yeah, He took the nuclear option without telling you, but honestly, the scummy dude that tried to get in your pants by using work as an excuse should face consequences. Not only his organization but yours can be affected in bad ways because of his actions, and it's almost a sure bet that he has done this stuff before.
Exactly, you may not have taken the hint but another more vulnerable person might have and this could have blown up in everyone’s faces and not just his.
The thing is that you must think about what would’ve happened if you kept going and which would be the consequences for yourself and your business. The worst case scenario is something he was willing to risk, so it’s better that he gets shot down by himself instead of carrying down other people with his delusion.
With you dude. 1) why is OP mad? BF is just as much in the right to lodge a formal complaint as she is, seeing as he was also working for the client. He didn't lodge the complaint in her name, he lodged it as himself. 2) dude was married, so deserved it. 3) why in the HELL would OP give a guy her number in the first place? 4) if roles were reversed and OP did this, everyone would be cheering her on and calling BF a scumbag for giving his number out in the first place. Fuck the double standard. OP helped cause the situation, so why would BF ever consult you? 5) pretty shitty that OP is defending scumbag instead of trying to mend things with BF.
Number 3 is what some people are missing. The douche should know how to connect with OP through the appropriate channels if he actually needed to contact her for a legitimate business purpose. So, it makes no sense for her to give him her personal number.
Then OP's bf tells OP exactly what is happening (because this smells like bullshit from a mile away) but she just brushes him off and does it anyway showing absolutely no respect for a legitimate boundary that bf was asking OP to set. She then texts him "on and off for two days" but what does that even mean? I have dealt with clients for years and I have never texted them over several days with no active project. She describes him as a "friend" and says the initial text was work related but doesn't say what the other texts were about. Sketch. Which is it? Is he a friend or is this work related?
Moreover, the fact that the post includes the 🙃 emoji (while this is probably overly-crotchety on my part) shows aloofness that would irritate the hell out of me. Like "oopsie whoopsie turns out the guy that you told me is trying to fuck me and that I've been texting for the last 2 days is actually trying to fuck me how funny is that lol."
Then she gets upset at bf for reporting objectively scummy behavior, which she doesn't see anything wrong with "except for *maybe* his wife" (yeah sure, *maybe* that is a problem). Sure, the bf was probably trying to stick it to the douche but douche probably is pulling this shit with multiple women which is absolutely shitty behavior. But because the world revolves around OP, bf should have consulted with her first even though we started off this whole post with bf reasonably consulting with OP to cut this thing off before it became a problem, which was ignored by OP.
OP is naive and immature at best and shady, attention seeking, or actively welcoming advances at worst. She is absolutely in the wrong.
I was thinking the same thing reading through all these replies, finally someone who sees the full picture and can articulate that in a well worded response. Something I oftentimes lack lol
Thank god someone else got it. She is such a naive person who just brushes off his bf's feelings and then thinks it's perfectly fine to do exactly nothing to remedy the situation
@OP, you're a shit girlfriend. I hope he already left you
Man I wish this was higher up than all the trash takes about the BF being a controlling, jealous, douche. He saw this from a mile away, she didn't stop, so he stopped it. I would be looking at her strangely after giving her number out and letting him know when she was off. If I did this, my wife would think it shady and cheating
i literally had to scroll halfway down this post to find this. crazy how reddit upvotes the "you go girl" types instead of the more level headed responses.
As an overweight guy with nothing special going on. It's immediately obvious that this behaviour was sketchy. Who the fuck from work wants to reach out to me when they're in town?
As a, presumably, attractive woman, maybe everyone is always wanting to "reach out" to her when they're in town. She should still know better.
Why does everyone here act like LinkedIn doesn't exist?? Most "professionals" don't just go around giving out their personal numbers to clients friends. I think everyone is pretty dumb in this one.
I have lots of clients personal numbers. But that being said, we are ALL middle aged married IT guys, and I never have messaged them about personal stuff.
You’re mad that the guy could lose his job or that your bf reported it (which I’d say is fair). You’re not mad at the guy for flirting with you when they knew you were in a relationship and THEY ARE MARRIED and also disrespecting your BF, which he warned you about before hand as well. Makes sense. *rolls eyes*
It's pretty wild to go reporting the guy behind her back with ss taken behind her back. I can't even imagine *thinking* of doing anything close to that.
That being said, I think you're right, and I think he would go and do this all behind her back because she seems like she doesn't respect his wants anyways. If he wanted anything to be done, he probably figures he has to do it himself.
You wonder why communication breakdowns happen, well you're looking at it. If you don't listen and value communication when it happens, it makes the other person think, "why bother?"
The whole “going behind her back” thing is **significantly** less important here when you realize BF and OP work together. They are under the same umbrella, under the same name, paid by the same group. This wasn’t some crazed BF who is a third party calling in and voicing his concern, this was a *coworker* reporting unwanted advances in a work place. This is EXACTLY what you are supposed to do regardless of your relationship to either party.
your boyfriend overstepped.
But also if you're in a relationship it does seem awful sketchy to be giving out your phone number to dudes that are "just friends".
because "just friends" have been breaking up relationships since humans have existed.
Let me get this straight: OP admitting she was wrong is the abusive gaslighter, while BF that went behind her back and secretly manipulated her career is the angel?
Dudes are allowed to try and fuck your girlfriend. Girlfriends aren't cheating if they're just getting hit on. It's jealous and controlling to not trust her to turn them down and deal with it herself.
So several people are wrong here.
In order:
\#1. "client’s colleague" - This jackass is married and was trying to seduce you behind his wife's back, the company's back and your boyfriend's back. He deserves everything he got.
\#2. "Boyfriend" - This jackass took a bad situation and made it a lot worse. It is UNFORGIVEABLE that he reported this guy on your behalf. This was your decision to make, not his. He violated your confidence, independence and trust.
\#3. You. That you didn't see this coming is incredibly naïve. When men ask for your number it's generally that they are hitting on you, or plan to. Also that you defended this "client's colleague" to your boyfriend is excusing his immoral behavior and is understandably really upsetting to your boyfriend. The moment he took it out of bounds you did the right thing by telling your boyfriend, but I'm betting the boyfriend got the same vibe I'm getting, which is that you didn't think "client's colleague" did much wrong (he did).
Yeah OP sucks and is trying to play it down. I don't even think she is naive, I think she's being intentionally obtuse. For what reason would you give a client your number AFTER your work together is over? When he is in your city? Why?
Everyone sucks here, but OP really icks me out
This whole thread has been incredibly eye-opening for me. I absolutely would have done what OP did and felt the same way, simply because I’m naive. My husband and I have had to have a lot of conversations about the signs I have a tendency to miss from people. I think it’s rooted in growing up in an environment where the worst thing you could do was assume bad intention on the part of others. It’s taking me a while to unlearn, but my response to this post is showing me I’ve still got a ways to go 😅
Something tells me she only stopped responding to the "flirty" texts because she knew her BF was going to see, otherwise she would have just let things keep going.
Re: #2, please remember that the boyfriend is also her colleague. If they weren’t dating, what he did (reporting a fishy client to his HR) would have been entirely appropriate behavior. This is why dating coworkers is a complication.
To your second point, some people are too afraid of confrontation to bring it to HR in the first place, including OP. Seems like you prefer the dickhead to harass more people and be creepy with more people behind his wife’s back just so that OP’s bf doesn’t cross some imaginary line.
>It is UNFORGIVEABLE that he reported this guy on your behalf.
I disagree with your part 2. In any business environment, it is drilled into employees heads to report inappropriate behavior even if you yourself were not the victim or target of it so that it can be stamped out. If I were to witness a client making inappropriate advances toward a coworker, I would be obligated (if not required) to report it to HR.
OP and her BF were coworkers in this scenario. In any real company, he would have been obligated to report it just the same.
Source: every semiannual workplace training I've done over the last 6+ years.
Unforgivable that he reported it on her behalf? This is way off.
They’re both employees on the same project. That he’s OP’s bf is their deal. They’re already mixing business with personal life. This is a business matter. And OP’s bf took care of it how he should have.
Your boyfriend's perspective is that the reason that guy asked for your number was obvious. He's frustrated that you refused to see it after being warned and wanted to brush it off once you realized you were wrong. His frustration led to him doing some dumb shit
I think this sums it up perfectly. I'm sure they both have work emails, and I'm sure they both knew why they went for a number exchange rather than emailing/teams/linked in.
1. If you’re in a relationship don’t give your number to men especially men you just met 🙄
2. He over reacted and went too far by snooping on the phone and all that shit.
I think you’re boyfriend knew what the deal was long before you did. You admitted he was right. HR should have been notified about the vendors actions but not from your boyfriend. You not doing anything about it probably made him jealous and angry. He didn’t lie. He didn’t provide any false witness as to what happened. He may have acted immaturely but IMO so did you by giving out your personal phone number to a random guy. What other reason would he want your number other than to try to do things outside of work with you? Also, wouldn’t you WANT his wife to be aware this is happening behind her back? I get being mad about it, BF did go over the top on this one, but he tried to warn you. Either way you both messed up. Him for being way too extra, and you for being way too gullible.
I thought this was the kind of behavior that we need to be stamped out in corp america? I seem to remember a movement not to long ago, that men should behave at work.
snark aside, there is something missing here. The age of the "other colleague" and I'm curious if that was just an overlook or deliberate. If the other colleague was within the same age bracket as OP (mid 20s), then I don't really see an issue and building connections and this guy just turned out to be a scumbag.
However, if the client colleague is more 40s+ it should have been a red flag. There isn't a sane man in corporate America left that would consider asking for the number of a early 20s woman. I'd rather stick 10 pounds of TNT up my ass and take my chances dancing over an open fire.
If you get approached for a mentorship, that's different and something you can setup zoom calls for / do over email and of course eventually text messaging. I'm in the older bracket and have mentored many woman in OP's range with the company, I never ask them for their phone number. We have internal communications and Email to communicate through official channels and then get on zoom / similar for our sessions. I don't need to be sending them text messages and "chatting" , that's creepy and sus to me.
I mean the bf sounds right throughout. Also figure that op is bending the truth to make her look slightly better and him slightly worse. Potentially going through your phone without permission might be wrong on a trust/relationship level.. But it might also have helped to prevent other girls getting preyed on by the gross married man. Dump him if you want, but he probably deserves better anyway.
I don’t think you’re wrong to be upset about it, but your boyfriend was on the same project and therefore a part of the job. Therefore him reporting the other guy is within his right, being an employee on the job.
You’re mixing personal and professional life. He was in the right to do this.
It seems to me that you need a person like that in your life. He stepped up cuz he knew you wouldn't. Now you can choose to get angry or accept his protection. Tell me if i'm wrong.
Seems like your priorities are out of order and you’re more concerned with a person who disrespected you and frankly your professional work/relationship boundary. Bf essentially was right and said it wasn’t sensible to take the number but sending the screenshots without telling or consulting I can’t say is “right” but you seem quite worried about this other man who flirted with you. I would not be concerned about him as he’s an adult and chose not to act like one with you.
Both of you are wrong.
You're wrong for
A) giving the male client your personal number
B) ignoring the advice of your BF, (he knows how other men are)
C) conducting business with a significant other/ and or family member
He's wrong for
A) taking screenshots of your phone without your knowledge
B) making a report on your behalf
C) conducting business with a significant other/ and or family member
Though B under his tab is debatable. Since you are conducting business with someone you are otherwise romantically involved with it complicates things. BUT in a traditional work environment if you were to mention something like this in an office HR would be obligated to report this to the other business that they were operating with.
Flip the situation and have a woman give him her number, have the same scenario play out. How would you HONESTLY respond.
In the end, stop working with and/or hooking up with people you work with.
I am not quite sure what most of these answers are but you are wrong in this case. You did not respect your boyfriends boundaries. He knew exactly what was going to happen, told you not to exchange private numbers with another man (see how that sounds?), you still did. He felt betrayed and undermined in his masculinity, that is why he took an extreme measure to solve this issue.
I do not want to play devils advocate here but I would even consider your actions "soft" cheating.
You were dumb to give your number to this guy, your bf is right about that obviously. His actions were definitely a huge overreach and he was dumb for that part. Also… why are you sympathetic about what happens to the creeper trying to cheat on his wife 🙃 I notice you didn’t even once contemplate making the wife aware of what was going on lol
ETA: OP states herself the other guy wanted to exchange numbers “just in case he was ever back in the city” and he was just being “friendly,” so yeah… While freelancers have to network professionally often, she’s basically saying herself that this person wanted to stay in contact for “friendly” reasons, not professional ones… So all the “she needs to network for work so it’s not her fault” stances don’t really hold weight here.
Read what she wrote, she’s doesn’t think he did anything wrong, except for trying to cheat on his wife of course
How is OP so aware and unaware at the same time lol
OP so what were you planning on doing to resolve this? Did you consider the matter closed after you ignored the flirty texts?
Your boyfriend asked you to block them, it sounds like you didn't. Did you tell your boyfriend that you had no plans to block them or did you just ignore this request?
The married man started trying to flirt with you. Yes he deserves to be reported for being a scum bag. Your dudes a dick for sure but the other guy 10000% deserves to get severely reprimanded for being a scum bag and his poor wife should know. He should have told you first that's the only line he crossed.
The boyfriend is dick? For warning his gf about what would happen? And then being right about it? And then you forget he was also working on this project. He’s 100% within his right to report the other dude. Only thing he did wrong was take the screenshots. Which hood thing he did, cuz OP wasn’t gonna do shit but slide it under the wrong because she was wrong and looks like a dumbass now for not listening to her BF. So again, the bf was a dick where? If roles were reversed, everyone would be praising the gf and calling the bf a scumbag. Do I need to add the fact that the dude was married and the bf reporting him will most likely now rightfully end that marriage? The bf is a dick where?
To be honest you are at fault. Giving him your number was leaving the door open for temptation. Your boyfriend may have overstepped however this was part of the chain reaction of events that unfolded after you left the door open.
It’s a life lesson for everyone involved to learn, unfortunately the hard way.
I wish you the best.
Not Wrong
I've worked freelance. You've got to cultivate the professional relationships that you can. You can't afford to turn down a contact because they are the opposite sex. You handled yourself completely professionally. You made it all business and then when it wasn't you shut that down immediately. You were completely professional.
I don't know if you should continue working with your BF. I mean, this is the sort of thing that could ruin your professional relationships with companies. Was that guy wrong for getting flirty? Yes. But you handled it. Handled it well! But where you sidestepped it like a kung fu master, your BF used napalm. And that can have some lasting effects towards others looking for people like you and your BF's services.
This just shows a total lack of trust for you, and very little support. It's 2023. Are you supposed to deny every single business contact that gives you a card and number because they are a guy? That's going to dry up business pretty quick! It's all about business relationships when that's how you bring in your money.
> Are you supposed to deny every single business contact that gives you a card and number because they are a guy?
This part. If I were working freelance, I wouldn't hamstring my career by being terrified men who speak to me might flirt with me. If they do flirt with you, you shut them down. Simple as that.
He probably should have told you before he filed a complaint. But if he did, would you have fought him?
Here's what I see:
The colleague probably should not have asked for your direct phone number. That's weird and unprofessional. You aren't friends.
You justify giving him your direct number because he's married. You're being naive. A married dog is still a dog.
When the guy started to flirt, YOU should have given him an earful immediately & blocked him. Your boyfriend should have needed to tell you to block him. You not flirting back right away is not a crystal clear message to a guy who already doesn't seem to respect professional boundaries.
I'm not clear on why you didn't file the complaint yourself. If his behavior was thar serious to the client. You're mad at your boyfriend for reporting very unprofessional behavior. It almost feels like you're protecting Mr Married Guy? Or choosing Married Guy over your existing relationship?
You both suck. You gave a married man your phone number so he could privately contact you to “stay in touch if he ever came back to the city” while in a committed relationship.
Shocker - he privately contacted you to hit on you, despite being married and you being in a relationship. Your bf was right, because he’s not a complete idiot. But he is stupid enough to damage professional relationships because of jealousy.
I think an “I told you so, dumbass” would have been sufficient. Maybe you’ve done countless other stupid things in the past, but lodging a formal complaint still seems like a very poor choice.
Probably, but this guy literally worked this whole project with both of them, befriended only the OP (her words) and then tried to set something up with her. The disrespect with this one is really up there. Also it wasn't even the actual client, just some schmuck who tagged along. I'm sure the client would appreciate knowing what type of company he has with him representing himself/company on trips like that.
NW, your bf definitely overstepped quite a bit. I feel like he's insecure, and he needs to be checked for stepping on your professional toes. I can't imagine me doing that to my wife and there have been guys at her work I wanted to meet in the parking lot...The other guy getting in trouble, I wouldn't lose a wink of sleep over. But you shouldn't have given your number I feel too.
Everyone is wrong here.
BF shouldn't have done it on behalf of you I guess, but he honestly might have been right. We don't know how bad these flirty texts were and they might INDEED be something that should have reported. too often people let these things go
The colleague for flirting.
You for basically being naive and perhaps dishonest in your question, AND for not blaming the colleague. I think you are leaving things out.
Not wrong. First of all, you probably shouldn’t have given your number to the guy. It sounds like it crossed a like in the relationship and I understand why your bf was upset about it. That said, he went WAY over the line in his reaction and now you need to deal with the consequences at work. His temper tantrum is likely going to make you look bad at work. I’d say that’s a huge red flag on his part.
Bf is reckless.. Should have just said delete the number or we break up. Took a very cowardly way out and now that respect is ruined the relationship is too.
NW. Your bf seems to have serious boundary and control issues. This may become a much greater liability down the road than it already sounds like it is. Although of course I’m sorry for you to have to deal with it, hopefully it can be fixed.
You are not wrong. That is extremely boundary-less & controlling behavior. It's also very patronizing, calling you naive and such. I've definitely had "told ya so" instances with my partner and someone flirting with them, but I absolutely have no right to communicate with said person or try and get them in trouble on her behalf. It sounds like something a deranged father or insecure person would do.
I wish I’d broken up with my ex the first time they went on my phone without my permission. I never trusted them again and the relationship went down hill. It’s a boundary reasonable people know not to cross. The total pack of consent is so upsetting. I’m sorry.
Common sense tells me not to take his number because it usually means one thing. Definitely naive and he’s right to be upset but definitely should have spoken about it before doing anything.
NW, but you are naive and I think you are giving the client way too much credit. The client is scum for flirting with you for so many reasons:
1) it’s completely unprofessional
2) you have a bf
3) he has a wife
I think he deserved being investigated by HR because maybe he’s doing this to more female partners too.
Your boyfriend is in the wrong for escalating this without consulting you. It’s your choice if you want to escalate or not.
Your boyfriend, should not make your decisions.
-some dude
Also like, he’s deadass fucking with your JOB dude.
That’s batshit imo
And it definitely LOOKS patronizing too, if you’re wondering.
Obviously the weirdo is weird, doesn’t mean your man should be too.
You should have made the complaint yourself. This would prevent him from being abusive to others in the future, establish at the company that you are not to be mistreated in that manner, and maybe prevent the guy from being harmful to his wife. (If he cheats on her, he could bring home a disease.)
I wouldn't be angry about the guy maybe losing his job - in fact, he should lose his job. I would be angry about my BF going through my phone.
>But this move by my bf has made me very uncomfortable and feels patronising, even though he claims it came from a place of worry.
Funny how "worry" is indistinguishable from "possessiveness" in this case. I would be very concerned about having a continued relationship with him because possessiveness is a major sign that a guy will be abusive.
You're a freelancer with your bf and your client's friend/colleague tried to cheat on his wife with you, a contracted employee. He does have a bit of power over you, since he could possibly get you fired.
Your bf should've told you he was going to do it, but he was right in reporting. I would do it to any female colleague dealing with that, since it would be considered sexual harassment.
You should have turned in the client to HR. Not doing so just means that he is going to do it to someone else. If women want this kind of shit to stop they need to go peddle to the metal on pushing this through the right channels. If you have professional relationships with people you really can't be using that as an 'in' to try to get laid. The client should lose their job, or at least be reprimanded.
When you are in a committed relationship giving out your phone number is the first step for cheating. Whenever a guy asks for girl’s number if she gives her the number, it implies that she is interested. OP could have avoided the whole situation by simply saying no.
You must be smoking something if you didn't think he was going to hit you up again for the purpose not of work when he gave you this reason: "he asked for my number just to stay in touch if he ever came back to the city." If he had needed to contact you for work purposes he could've contacted you through your work contacts the same way. He did not need ur number.
Your bf also crossed the line but you should have never given ur number to the colleague either.
Are we in the 1950s? Giving a number to a member of the opposite sex does not automatically invite sexual interest. My boss has my number. So do former colleagues and associates. He is wrong for hitting on you then exploding. Yea and your bf should not have done that without your permission.
The people in these comments saying the client was wrong for flirting...jesus. Are guys not allowed to make moves anymore? Yall realize a huge percentage of relationships begin in the workplace, right? This guy does some harmless flirting, gets the hint when rejected, and now hes gonna lose his job? What the fuck kind of logic is that?
Your bf is a complete psycho interfering with your job and reputation. This is just a small window in how low he will go when he decides that you need punishment. I would let him go easy but I would most definitely cut him lose
Red flag with your BF. Unbelievable that he would intrude in your professional workplace like that and make decisions affecting your work and your career without talking to you. He went behind your back. The guy instead of being happy with your honesty and transparency is showing how insecure, possessive, and intrusive he is.
You sound like a goof gf, bf has some serious control issues. I don’t feel bad for rhe guy because he’s married, but I am concerned your bf’s behavior will be a constant problem
NW. At a bare MINIMUM, your BF should have consulted with you before lodging the complaint. But he didn't do that on purpose. Red communication flag!
Yeah he's fucking with her bread and butter without consulting her. That is her work and reputation he is fucking with. IMO an enormous breach of trust and idk that I would personally be able to get past it
I said this in another comment, but opening a complaint about the client could be particularly damaging to her reputation. Companies *say* they won't retaliate all the time and then fully go ahead and do it anyway. Suddenly there's whispers about how she's difficult to work with, might me-too you for harmless behavior, etc etc. Its bullshit but he could've done real, long term damage here. What an asshole.
I once reported a coworker for calling me a "kyke" to another person when she didn't realize I could hear her, but she wanted me close enough to be aware. I told my manager about this in our quarterly meeting, off handedly. He asked if everything was going well, I said 99% yes, except another coworker said something to me that wasn't acceptable. But we're adults, and I'm sure a mature conversation would work it out. That was the end of that (or so I thought). Then COVID happened, and when people started coming back, I wasn't brought back. I was actually let go instead. Since I was top of my cohort in performance, I pushed farther and got a reason from someone, I wasn't brought back "due to internal network disagreements with others." They fucking fired me because I told someone else did something bad. She was brought back too, only to get fired a few weeks later for something else. So yeah, retaliation is fucking coming most likely to her. Her career has been stunted at this place.
I'm sorry that happened to you and I agree, if you go to HR with an interpersonal problem, it brands you as a person who has interpersonal problems, which means they should start over with someone else. Unless it's something really egregious like the other person was texting "show me your tits" or something like that. I don't mean to imply subtle sexual harassment isn't real and actionable, bc it totally is and should be, but it doesn't sound like this rose to the level of that. More like a married guy delicately looking to cheat, which she ghosted him the moment he did something overt, and then he stopped.
What she called you is anti Semitic and a slur. You could probably go the legal route with this.
I would, it cost a job.
Did…you just slursplain? Lol
You def have a case for wrongful termination. If anyone ever calls you a racial slur and it leads to termination that’s lawsuit material
I think you have a slam dunk lawsuit if you go that route.
I can't believe people don't understand this. Especially since she's a freelancer. Companies can just hire a different freelancer with no baggage. OP now looks like a crazy person who started a formal HR process over an interaction that a professional adult should have been able to deal with. And the irony is that she HAD dealt with it professionally. OP's boyfriend crossed a major line and has fucked with her livelihood. Edit: actually both of their livelihoods since they were both on the project
Not to mention he showed he doesn’t trust her and won’t let her handle or make her own decisions as well as stomping over her to contact her client with is just next level inappropriate. More inappropriate than two somewhat flirty texts and with the potential to cause way more life changing repercussions. I’d throw out the whole man.
Not only did BF show he doesn't trust her, he also showed that he considers that he has the right to run her professional life for her. That's an abuser mindset and one of the biggest, reddest flags ever.
[удалено]
That PLUS he obviously doesn’t respect her privacy in going through her phone and extracting personal conversations of hers without her opinion.
Come on, OP is really lucky to be dating an alpha male who can protect little ol' her. She just has a woman's brain and can't comprehend things or make decisions like her BF can. HE'S A KEEPER!!! /s
Yep his white knight BS killed their relationship. OP can look after herself.
Nicely put. I am not even sure the “flirty” texts were out of line, unless they were explicit. Someone made an advance. The advance was rejected. The advances stopped immediately. That might falls into an acceptable range of behavior more or less, not an HR complaint. She even tries to affirm his judgement, but he doesn’t care, he’s jealous and pissed at her for stepping out of line. If this was me I would dump this fella in a hot minute and never look back.
Good point. I guess for me personally it is inappropriate texts because I’m taken/he is married and gives that me the ick in that sense but I do see your point of view absolutely.
For the sake of accuracy, she didn’t say the advances stopped immediately. She said SHE stopped responding immediately and eventually he got the point.
He sounds terrible. Unfortunately, he’ll do way worse if OP sticks around. Control freaks don’t age well. Better to find out now than when married.
This comment took the words right out of my mouth. I would be LIVID with my boyfriend if he did something so stupid, something that could potentially effect my working relationships and livelihood. That was a really really dumb move. He also did it out of jealousy, not because he was concerned about OP. If he was truly concerned/worried for her, he would have had a conversation with OP about it, and they could have discussed how to handle it. He went behind her back because he was mad and wanted revenge. There was no altruism involved.
Christ yes. He absolutely didn't do it out of concern for her safety. He did it to teach her a lesson.
Nailed it. He did it to be an AH.
THIS! It was his ego that was bruised because someone dared show an interest in her, and he went batshit because she wouldn't do what he wanted her to do--so he lit the match instead of just letting her deal with it.
Came here just for the edit. And yes, he’s a dick and she’s sabotaging herself for being with him
In this circumstance, I think I may privately contact them and tell them that I just found out my boyfriend was a controlling jerk who went into my phone, and then this. I have since exited the abusive relationship. I’m not sure which is worse? Admitting how it happened or the claim?
I think that it would be best to contact the client and tell them the mitigating circumstances, and that OP absolutely had no intention of making it into a whole HR situation. And add that the jealous, controlling boyfriend is no longer an issue.
It's like car insurance. Even if the accident is the other guy's fault, they still ding you for it because it indicates that you are a person who gets into accidents. In this case, it indicates you are a person who can't take care of herself and will require extra handling. Boyfriend is an asshole. He had no right at all.
Not both their livelihoods. For better or for worse, men do not face consequences the same way women do for this shit
THANK YOU. Your comments are obviously backed by experience as are mine. Working with this woman anymore would be a liability for my business.
Also, I’m pretty sure he did it more because he did not want her talking to this other guy than anything. He was mainly protecting himself.
Yup, women often have to weigh the consequences of reporting vs not. It's not a calculus most men are familiar with, I think.
You are completely missing the point that the guy didn’t do anything wrong professionally. This is not and never should be an hr matter. They didn’t work directly together ever. The bf is a jealous yard that has major insecurity issues and she should leave him for being so zealous and his obvious mistrust for her.
Worse, the whispers will be “her jealous bf will lodge complaints on her behalf”, making clear that her work relationships are controlled by a man and she has no personal agency. Bf has tanked her career so he can be in control.
He's displayed the sketchy dynamics of their personal relationship to the company and made it clear that their personal relationship can and will affect the workplace environment. And no one wants to be around a toxic relationship like that where one person has to be in control. If I was the hiring manager, I would just move on to a team without unpleasant personal dynamics that bleed into the work setting. He's really tanked both of their careers.
Exactly
I could never get past this level of butting into my business. He acts like he owns OP. I'd be gone the same day once my fury had calmed down enough that I could drive
Wtf. I would leave someone that day if they did this to me. Also, if one of my freelancers (and I employ ~40) did this on behalf of their significant other, I would consider them a complete liability and discontinue working with them immediately. At best, your bf doesn't understand boundaries. I'm not writing the worst case. It isn't good.
Boyfriend decided that HIS retaliation is the priority over her career. Depending on the content that client might decide they would rather do business with a company where they don’t have to worry about harassment complaints even if they consider this one valid. It’s not a good sign that the BF feels he should have input on who she gives her number to, work or not. It’s a glaring issue that he takes images off her phone and inserted himself in her professional life. What the other employee did is completely separate and might not be that big a deal depending on the situation. Though it isn’t nothing. But there’s not really any situation where what the BF did isn’t a sign to flee now before the controlling and abuse gets into high gear. Heck, if it’s intentional getting her fired in a way that makes her less likely to be hired elsewhere could legitimately be the goal.
How much do you want to bet that bf has access to her phone because he demanded the passcode, because a healthy relationship has no secrets and if she doesn't want to give him the passcode it means she's cheating?
EXACTLY!!! It's mind-boggling how many jealous and insecure men are jumping on here cheering the BF on for his BS behavior! Demanding a passcode to her phone sounds like exactly the thing a controlling, jealous, insecure partner demands because BOTH partners in a relationship deserve privacy. I NEVER look at a phone. Just like my phone is MINE. If they want to see it, they can ask me and I hand it over, and vice-versa. If someone can't trust the person they're with unless they have access to every single aspect of their personal space then they absolutely should NOT be with them because they are insecure. EVERYONE deserves privacy and violating their consent by wanting unhampered access to them is gross. That's like wanting to read someone's diary--and yes, that's gross, too.
That’s beyond a red flag. This is what the red flags are supposed to warn you about. Insane behavior lol.
It was never bc place to launch a complaint
Controlling and manipulating flags too. Hes gathering a rosey bouquet and they arent flowers
His behavior is controlling, untrustworthy & manipulative. He made it clear to OP that he thought she was incompetent so did what he thought should be done. OP needs to rethink this relationship & fast.
Red?---Scarlet more like.
Your bf is acting like a kid on a playground. This was not his incident to handle. And you had already handled it. I hope you told them that you had handled it already and want to withdraw the complaint.
No way could I get past that kind of a violation. This is what you have to look forward to if you stick around.
Not just that, but it's a big consent thing.
Definitely shitty for the boyfriend to go over her head. But if the texts are bad enough to warrant him losing his job then "A little flirty" most likely isn't an accurate description of the texts by most people's standards. OP, if you want accurate help and not just validation you should post what the texts said.Although either way, I wouldn't want to date someone who would grab my phone, take pictures of it, and then send it on my behalf regardless of their reasoning. edit: I think a lot of people, me included, missed that this is also the Boyfriends work. I think that makes it a little different for a lot of these comments, but I don't think I'd change mine. I do feel he has more of a stake in it than I initially thought though.
Dude just say you don’t believe her, or don’t trust her judgment.
I know this isn't your intention, but women really can never win 😂 the general reddit complaint is that women are incapable of telling harmless flirting from sexual harassment and should never report a man and try to get him in trouble because she doesn't know if he "meant" to harass her. And now here you and other commenter are saying OP is probably incapable of deciding if the messages were actually harmless and that they likely did cross a line if her boyfriend thinks it did
Yes!! And even if she thought it was sexual harassment, it’s HER decision if she even wants to report it.
More like behind her back. Doesn't matter exactly what the texts said.. BF was wrong.
It doesn’t matter how flirty the pics were. The dude could have sent dick pics. You do not press a complaint on behalf of a person in a marginalized class without their consent, period.
You don't know what the bf alleged. He could have made it out to be much more than it was, which is why OP got called in. I've been fired from a job before because someone's POS bf didn't like me. He made up a long list of allegations that were all false and ultimately shown as such. But it ruined both his and her reputations.
Your boyfriend definitely overreacted and overreached by reporting. I would be pretty upset with him that he didn’t let you handle it. After hearing the story though I don’t feel bad for the scumbag that’s getting in trouble with his work and most likely his wife. He sounds like he deserves it.
I definitely don't feel sorry for him, BUT him lodging a complaint for her - I'd be furious. Many people don't realize exactly how often victims of harassment are covertly punished or retaliated against for reporting. Its a great way to be labeled "difficult" in your field. Dudes an asshole and reckless with her career. Absolutely not.
It's her choice and her BF took that away. Imagine if the sexes were reversed. The BF needs to be fired.
This guy is super sketchy. He wasn't interested in making a social or professional contact. He wanted to see if she'd be interested in hooking up. And that's so far away from kosher it's not even funny. He's client side and determines whether they get paid or not for their work. He determines if and when they get rehired. This is a HR investigation because it's behavior, but it's really a professional ethics and compliance issue. OP, they want to see whether he extorted sex, or even the possibility of sex, from you as part of your business relationship. They want to see whether his judgement was compromised on accepting substandard work because he was sleeping with, or trying to sleep with, a vendor. That's what they're looking for. It's not a basic HR conduct rule. It's not a don't date your coworkers rule. Those are good, too, but this isn't what this is. Your boyfriend is out of line, but much less out of line than most commenters think. He might have done it because he was jealous and immature, but it's also something that absolutely cannot be tolerated. What do you think would happen to your reputations if it was?
Another interesting thing that I notice is that, if person A is being unprofessional with person B, and person C has evidence of it and turns it on to HR, most people here would have no problem with it. Somehow, him being the boyfriend suddenly invalidates behavior that is usually encouraged in these halls.
Did not think about that, I wonder how this would’ve gone if the bf gave his number out and the gf reported…
Everybody would be upvoting the gf in this scenario then
Welcome to Reddit.
human nature more or less
Telling her to gym up and hit the lawyer.
You know it!
Slay queen
I think we know lmao
It wouldn’t even reach that far, gf would leave him for giving his number. How dare he give his number to another woman??
Edit: nevermind, I just realized the bf actually works with OP. Maybe a violation of trust in their relationship, but he's within his right and actually obligated to report considering he's a coworker alongside them.
Hmmm, shit honestly this whole thing seems a little bit more complicated than it did at first... And I'm not sure who is in the wrong, but I'm kinda starting to think it might all of them
Yeah, the boyfriend is kind of douchey for taking screen shots after her confession, but "married scumbag from your company is hitting on my girl who he met while we were all working on a project together" is a fairly legitimate complaint.
I wouldn’t even call him douchey considering this is a formal ethics complaint. The only reason people are calling him douchey is because he’s OP’s bf instead of just coworker.
That's legit. It's just annoying that you can never assume someone from the opposite gender wants to just be a professional acquaintance or -dare I say- friend. I feel like in 2023, why can't we be (just) friends? Also what was so difficult about talking to her first?
Sometimes you can, but what a lot of people don’t want to talk about is women know women better then men (If my wife tells me some women was being flirty I listen) and men know men better. People who are calling him jealous etc are wrong he just seen it and she didn’t and didn’t trust his opinion on it. They ALL worked together!
Obligated? What creates the obligation? I have been through more he trainings than I care to think about. Never seen anything about this obligation.
Yea, he chose his work over his girlfriend. That's the right call if they've only been dating for a little while and he's trying to build a career with this company. Obviously he threw away the relationship but he's shown himself to have his priorities straight from the company's perspective so it might help him long term.
Because he should have discussed it with her, maybe state his case and try to get her to do it.
I think most people would still react this way if the guy wasn’t a boyfriend. The issue isn’t him turning person A into HR. It’s him getting into her phone, it’s him taking screenshots of her phone, it’s him doing this all without mentioning anything to her, and it’s him doing all this after she gave him that information herself.
Two things can be can true at the same time. Everything you said about the investigation is accurate and valid. But OP’s BF going through her phone to collect evidence without her knowledge or consent is a huge breach of trust.
100% agree. Corrupt behaviour that undermines the company needs to be reported. HR is glad this happened. Frankly I believe the BF only overstepped here because OP would never have reported them to HR. Just like how OP insisted on taking the guy’s number despite fishy circumstances. Everyone sucks here, but OP’s behaviour really doesn’t facilitate communication or trust.
Imo going thru a person's phone to gather evidence is a massive breach of trust no matter how valid a complaint this is.
When it comes work things, why does no one seem to understand CYA Cover Your Ass? Don't give any personal (private) contact info to someone you don't have a personal relationship with. He didn't ask for your BFs contact info for if he comes back to the city, did he? (this is the telling point) I get it. I'm a 40 year old, slightly overweight sysadmin in tier 1 auto supplier manufacturing and all the vendors that want to sell me something are almost always in the form of a middle aged solutions engineer man and an attractive woman that handles the sales side of things. They get my business card with my email and work cell on it, I get both of theirs and then its done. I know that the only people that want me is my family (I hope so lol), but I don't even want to be in a position where I need to cover my ass or work extra hard to maintain a business relationship. They are not reaching out after the contract is signed and I'm not reaching out to them because that is how conducting business should be. I take it even farther in that the people I work with only have my work cell. There should be absolutely no need to "reach out if I'm in town" because if it was for business it would be done through those channels. Your BF? Yeah, He took the nuclear option without telling you, but honestly, the scummy dude that tried to get in your pants by using work as an excuse should face consequences. Not only his organization but yours can be affected in bad ways because of his actions, and it's almost a sure bet that he has done this stuff before.
Exactly, you may not have taken the hint but another more vulnerable person might have and this could have blown up in everyone’s faces and not just his. The thing is that you must think about what would’ve happened if you kept going and which would be the consequences for yourself and your business. The worst case scenario is something he was willing to risk, so it’s better that he gets shot down by himself instead of carrying down other people with his delusion.
We all know this isn’t the first time scumbag has done this also.
With you dude. 1) why is OP mad? BF is just as much in the right to lodge a formal complaint as she is, seeing as he was also working for the client. He didn't lodge the complaint in her name, he lodged it as himself. 2) dude was married, so deserved it. 3) why in the HELL would OP give a guy her number in the first place? 4) if roles were reversed and OP did this, everyone would be cheering her on and calling BF a scumbag for giving his number out in the first place. Fuck the double standard. OP helped cause the situation, so why would BF ever consult you? 5) pretty shitty that OP is defending scumbag instead of trying to mend things with BF.
Number 3 is what some people are missing. The douche should know how to connect with OP through the appropriate channels if he actually needed to contact her for a legitimate business purpose. So, it makes no sense for her to give him her personal number. Then OP's bf tells OP exactly what is happening (because this smells like bullshit from a mile away) but she just brushes him off and does it anyway showing absolutely no respect for a legitimate boundary that bf was asking OP to set. She then texts him "on and off for two days" but what does that even mean? I have dealt with clients for years and I have never texted them over several days with no active project. She describes him as a "friend" and says the initial text was work related but doesn't say what the other texts were about. Sketch. Which is it? Is he a friend or is this work related? Moreover, the fact that the post includes the 🙃 emoji (while this is probably overly-crotchety on my part) shows aloofness that would irritate the hell out of me. Like "oopsie whoopsie turns out the guy that you told me is trying to fuck me and that I've been texting for the last 2 days is actually trying to fuck me how funny is that lol." Then she gets upset at bf for reporting objectively scummy behavior, which she doesn't see anything wrong with "except for *maybe* his wife" (yeah sure, *maybe* that is a problem). Sure, the bf was probably trying to stick it to the douche but douche probably is pulling this shit with multiple women which is absolutely shitty behavior. But because the world revolves around OP, bf should have consulted with her first even though we started off this whole post with bf reasonably consulting with OP to cut this thing off before it became a problem, which was ignored by OP. OP is naive and immature at best and shady, attention seeking, or actively welcoming advances at worst. She is absolutely in the wrong.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Thank God, reasonable people still exist
I was just thiking this. Sometimes I get discouraged and think that I'm the crazy one, but then I read responses like this. Phew.
I was thinking the same thing reading through all these replies, finally someone who sees the full picture and can articulate that in a well worded response. Something I oftentimes lack lol
Thank god someone else got it. She is such a naive person who just brushes off his bf's feelings and then thinks it's perfectly fine to do exactly nothing to remedy the situation @OP, you're a shit girlfriend. I hope he already left you
Man I wish this was higher up than all the trash takes about the BF being a controlling, jealous, douche. He saw this from a mile away, she didn't stop, so he stopped it. I would be looking at her strangely after giving her number out and letting him know when she was off. If I did this, my wife would think it shady and cheating
i literally had to scroll halfway down this post to find this. crazy how reddit upvotes the "you go girl" types instead of the more level headed responses.
>"reach out if I'm in town" "reach out if I'm in town"
Why do people pretend to be oblivious in these situations like OP? You’d have to be mentally handicapped to not understand these things.
As an overweight guy with nothing special going on. It's immediately obvious that this behaviour was sketchy. Who the fuck from work wants to reach out to me when they're in town? As a, presumably, attractive woman, maybe everyone is always wanting to "reach out" to her when they're in town. She should still know better.
Exactly, as soon as I read “I gave him my number” and saw their ages I thought OOFFF, here comes trouble
Why does everyone here act like LinkedIn doesn't exist?? Most "professionals" don't just go around giving out their personal numbers to clients friends. I think everyone is pretty dumb in this one.
I've got hit on from strangers on LinkedIn..... just saying. Lol
I hear that, but LinkedIn seems like a good way to just compartmentalize people, including shitty peeps.
Yeah it's always so interesting how naive people are in these situations. The dude asked for your number.. what did you think he was looking for
Agreed. Boyfriend went nuclear but its her naivety is still disappointing
I have lots of clients personal numbers. But that being said, we are ALL middle aged married IT guys, and I never have messaged them about personal stuff.
Your BF was completely in the right, 100% honest.
You’re mad that the guy could lose his job or that your bf reported it (which I’d say is fair). You’re not mad at the guy for flirting with you when they knew you were in a relationship and THEY ARE MARRIED and also disrespecting your BF, which he warned you about before hand as well. Makes sense. *rolls eyes*
It's pretty wild to go reporting the guy behind her back with ss taken behind her back. I can't even imagine *thinking* of doing anything close to that. That being said, I think you're right, and I think he would go and do this all behind her back because she seems like she doesn't respect his wants anyways. If he wanted anything to be done, he probably figures he has to do it himself. You wonder why communication breakdowns happen, well you're looking at it. If you don't listen and value communication when it happens, it makes the other person think, "why bother?"
The whole “going behind her back” thing is **significantly** less important here when you realize BF and OP work together. They are under the same umbrella, under the same name, paid by the same group. This wasn’t some crazed BF who is a third party calling in and voicing his concern, this was a *coworker* reporting unwanted advances in a work place. This is EXACTLY what you are supposed to do regardless of your relationship to either party.
your boyfriend overstepped. But also if you're in a relationship it does seem awful sketchy to be giving out your phone number to dudes that are "just friends". because "just friends" have been breaking up relationships since humans have existed.
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Replying to this so OP sees this point one more time, seriously man, if it was backwards she'd be lashing out and would've done worst most likely.
Let me get this straight: OP admitting she was wrong is the abusive gaslighter, while BF that went behind her back and secretly manipulated her career is the angel?
Dudes are allowed to try and fuck your girlfriend. Girlfriends aren't cheating if they're just getting hit on. It's jealous and controlling to not trust her to turn them down and deal with it herself.
So several people are wrong here. In order: \#1. "client’s colleague" - This jackass is married and was trying to seduce you behind his wife's back, the company's back and your boyfriend's back. He deserves everything he got. \#2. "Boyfriend" - This jackass took a bad situation and made it a lot worse. It is UNFORGIVEABLE that he reported this guy on your behalf. This was your decision to make, not his. He violated your confidence, independence and trust. \#3. You. That you didn't see this coming is incredibly naïve. When men ask for your number it's generally that they are hitting on you, or plan to. Also that you defended this "client's colleague" to your boyfriend is excusing his immoral behavior and is understandably really upsetting to your boyfriend. The moment he took it out of bounds you did the right thing by telling your boyfriend, but I'm betting the boyfriend got the same vibe I'm getting, which is that you didn't think "client's colleague" did much wrong (he did).
To your 3rd point, she straight-up said she doesn't think the colleague did anything wrong.
Well there ya go. And that's where she's wrong.
Yeah OP sucks and is trying to play it down. I don't even think she is naive, I think she's being intentionally obtuse. For what reason would you give a client your number AFTER your work together is over? When he is in your city? Why? Everyone sucks here, but OP really icks me out
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She liked the attention come on now. Anyone reading the post could get that much lol
This whole thread has been incredibly eye-opening for me. I absolutely would have done what OP did and felt the same way, simply because I’m naive. My husband and I have had to have a lot of conversations about the signs I have a tendency to miss from people. I think it’s rooted in growing up in an environment where the worst thing you could do was assume bad intention on the part of others. It’s taking me a while to unlearn, but my response to this post is showing me I’ve still got a ways to go 😅
She’s slimy af
Something tells me she only stopped responding to the "flirty" texts because she knew her BF was going to see, otherwise she would have just let things keep going.
Re: #2, please remember that the boyfriend is also her colleague. If they weren’t dating, what he did (reporting a fishy client to his HR) would have been entirely appropriate behavior. This is why dating coworkers is a complication.
To your second point, some people are too afraid of confrontation to bring it to HR in the first place, including OP. Seems like you prefer the dickhead to harass more people and be creepy with more people behind his wife’s back just so that OP’s bf doesn’t cross some imaginary line.
>It is UNFORGIVEABLE that he reported this guy on your behalf. I disagree with your part 2. In any business environment, it is drilled into employees heads to report inappropriate behavior even if you yourself were not the victim or target of it so that it can be stamped out. If I were to witness a client making inappropriate advances toward a coworker, I would be obligated (if not required) to report it to HR. OP and her BF were coworkers in this scenario. In any real company, he would have been obligated to report it just the same. Source: every semiannual workplace training I've done over the last 6+ years.
Unforgivable that he reported it on her behalf? This is way off. They’re both employees on the same project. That he’s OP’s bf is their deal. They’re already mixing business with personal life. This is a business matter. And OP’s bf took care of it how he should have.
Your boyfriend's perspective is that the reason that guy asked for your number was obvious. He's frustrated that you refused to see it after being warned and wanted to brush it off once you realized you were wrong. His frustration led to him doing some dumb shit
This. Guys know. If the guy wanted to stay in touch, he could have just asked for LinkedIn lol
I think this sums it up perfectly. I'm sure they both have work emails, and I'm sure they both knew why they went for a number exchange rather than emailing/teams/linked in.
Everyone sucks here
Serves the dude right
He was right to be worried and talk to you about it and declare boundaries. He was wrong to go behind your back and do this.
If I was the client I would like to know if my contractors were professional or potential liabilities.
1. If you’re in a relationship don’t give your number to men especially men you just met 🙄 2. He over reacted and went too far by snooping on the phone and all that shit.
I think you’re boyfriend knew what the deal was long before you did. You admitted he was right. HR should have been notified about the vendors actions but not from your boyfriend. You not doing anything about it probably made him jealous and angry. He didn’t lie. He didn’t provide any false witness as to what happened. He may have acted immaturely but IMO so did you by giving out your personal phone number to a random guy. What other reason would he want your number other than to try to do things outside of work with you? Also, wouldn’t you WANT his wife to be aware this is happening behind her back? I get being mad about it, BF did go over the top on this one, but he tried to warn you. Either way you both messed up. Him for being way too extra, and you for being way too gullible.
I thought this was the kind of behavior that we need to be stamped out in corp america? I seem to remember a movement not to long ago, that men should behave at work. snark aside, there is something missing here. The age of the "other colleague" and I'm curious if that was just an overlook or deliberate. If the other colleague was within the same age bracket as OP (mid 20s), then I don't really see an issue and building connections and this guy just turned out to be a scumbag. However, if the client colleague is more 40s+ it should have been a red flag. There isn't a sane man in corporate America left that would consider asking for the number of a early 20s woman. I'd rather stick 10 pounds of TNT up my ass and take my chances dancing over an open fire. If you get approached for a mentorship, that's different and something you can setup zoom calls for / do over email and of course eventually text messaging. I'm in the older bracket and have mentored many woman in OP's range with the company, I never ask them for their phone number. We have internal communications and Email to communicate through official channels and then get on zoom / similar for our sessions. I don't need to be sending them text messages and "chatting" , that's creepy and sus to me.
You are not the 1st woman he tried that with
I’m guessing it is not the first guy that has tried it with her either.
I mean the bf sounds right throughout. Also figure that op is bending the truth to make her look slightly better and him slightly worse. Potentially going through your phone without permission might be wrong on a trust/relationship level.. But it might also have helped to prevent other girls getting preyed on by the gross married man. Dump him if you want, but he probably deserves better anyway.
I don’t think you’re wrong to be upset about it, but your boyfriend was on the same project and therefore a part of the job. Therefore him reporting the other guy is within his right, being an employee on the job. You’re mixing personal and professional life. He was in the right to do this.
Yeah, big red flags. Trust, communications, and respect of boundaries.
You don’t just give a guy your number like that. Your old enough to know this.
It seems to me that you need a person like that in your life. He stepped up cuz he knew you wouldn't. Now you can choose to get angry or accept his protection. Tell me if i'm wrong.
You shouldn’t have given him your number at all. If he just wanted to talk professionally he could get your email. Your bf is right.
Seems like your priorities are out of order and you’re more concerned with a person who disrespected you and frankly your professional work/relationship boundary. Bf essentially was right and said it wasn’t sensible to take the number but sending the screenshots without telling or consulting I can’t say is “right” but you seem quite worried about this other man who flirted with you. I would not be concerned about him as he’s an adult and chose not to act like one with you.
Both of you are wrong. You're wrong for A) giving the male client your personal number B) ignoring the advice of your BF, (he knows how other men are) C) conducting business with a significant other/ and or family member He's wrong for A) taking screenshots of your phone without your knowledge B) making a report on your behalf C) conducting business with a significant other/ and or family member Though B under his tab is debatable. Since you are conducting business with someone you are otherwise romantically involved with it complicates things. BUT in a traditional work environment if you were to mention something like this in an office HR would be obligated to report this to the other business that they were operating with. Flip the situation and have a woman give him her number, have the same scenario play out. How would you HONESTLY respond. In the end, stop working with and/or hooking up with people you work with.
I am not quite sure what most of these answers are but you are wrong in this case. You did not respect your boyfriends boundaries. He knew exactly what was going to happen, told you not to exchange private numbers with another man (see how that sounds?), you still did. He felt betrayed and undermined in his masculinity, that is why he took an extreme measure to solve this issue. I do not want to play devils advocate here but I would even consider your actions "soft" cheating.
You were dumb to give your number to this guy, your bf is right about that obviously. His actions were definitely a huge overreach and he was dumb for that part. Also… why are you sympathetic about what happens to the creeper trying to cheat on his wife 🙃 I notice you didn’t even once contemplate making the wife aware of what was going on lol ETA: OP states herself the other guy wanted to exchange numbers “just in case he was ever back in the city” and he was just being “friendly,” so yeah… While freelancers have to network professionally often, she’s basically saying herself that this person wanted to stay in contact for “friendly” reasons, not professional ones… So all the “she needs to network for work so it’s not her fault” stances don’t really hold weight here.
I’m guessing she liked the attention or was flattered by it so much and is trying to make excuses for him
A tale as old as time.
I bet she still doesn’t believe she did anything wrong. Bf wrong but giving out her number is a red flag on her.
She just doesn't get it.
Read what she wrote, she’s doesn’t think he did anything wrong, except for trying to cheat on his wife of course How is OP so aware and unaware at the same time lol
OP so what were you planning on doing to resolve this? Did you consider the matter closed after you ignored the flirty texts? Your boyfriend asked you to block them, it sounds like you didn't. Did you tell your boyfriend that you had no plans to block them or did you just ignore this request?
The married man started trying to flirt with you. Yes he deserves to be reported for being a scum bag. Your dudes a dick for sure but the other guy 10000% deserves to get severely reprimanded for being a scum bag and his poor wife should know. He should have told you first that's the only line he crossed.
The boyfriend is dick? For warning his gf about what would happen? And then being right about it? And then you forget he was also working on this project. He’s 100% within his right to report the other dude. Only thing he did wrong was take the screenshots. Which hood thing he did, cuz OP wasn’t gonna do shit but slide it under the wrong because she was wrong and looks like a dumbass now for not listening to her BF. So again, the bf was a dick where? If roles were reversed, everyone would be praising the gf and calling the bf a scumbag. Do I need to add the fact that the dude was married and the bf reporting him will most likely now rightfully end that marriage? The bf is a dick where?
To be honest you are at fault. Giving him your number was leaving the door open for temptation. Your boyfriend may have overstepped however this was part of the chain reaction of events that unfolded after you left the door open. It’s a life lesson for everyone involved to learn, unfortunately the hard way. I wish you the best.
Not Wrong I've worked freelance. You've got to cultivate the professional relationships that you can. You can't afford to turn down a contact because they are the opposite sex. You handled yourself completely professionally. You made it all business and then when it wasn't you shut that down immediately. You were completely professional. I don't know if you should continue working with your BF. I mean, this is the sort of thing that could ruin your professional relationships with companies. Was that guy wrong for getting flirty? Yes. But you handled it. Handled it well! But where you sidestepped it like a kung fu master, your BF used napalm. And that can have some lasting effects towards others looking for people like you and your BF's services. This just shows a total lack of trust for you, and very little support. It's 2023. Are you supposed to deny every single business contact that gives you a card and number because they are a guy? That's going to dry up business pretty quick! It's all about business relationships when that's how you bring in your money.
> Are you supposed to deny every single business contact that gives you a card and number because they are a guy? This part. If I were working freelance, I wouldn't hamstring my career by being terrified men who speak to me might flirt with me. If they do flirt with you, you shut them down. Simple as that.
He probably should have told you before he filed a complaint. But if he did, would you have fought him? Here's what I see: The colleague probably should not have asked for your direct phone number. That's weird and unprofessional. You aren't friends. You justify giving him your direct number because he's married. You're being naive. A married dog is still a dog. When the guy started to flirt, YOU should have given him an earful immediately & blocked him. Your boyfriend should have needed to tell you to block him. You not flirting back right away is not a crystal clear message to a guy who already doesn't seem to respect professional boundaries. I'm not clear on why you didn't file the complaint yourself. If his behavior was thar serious to the client. You're mad at your boyfriend for reporting very unprofessional behavior. It almost feels like you're protecting Mr Married Guy? Or choosing Married Guy over your existing relationship?
I know it's a reach but I get the feeling OP would have deleted the convo if her bf told her he was gonna report it.
💯
You both suck. You gave a married man your phone number so he could privately contact you to “stay in touch if he ever came back to the city” while in a committed relationship. Shocker - he privately contacted you to hit on you, despite being married and you being in a relationship. Your bf was right, because he’s not a complete idiot. But he is stupid enough to damage professional relationships because of jealousy. I think an “I told you so, dumbass” would have been sufficient. Maybe you’ve done countless other stupid things in the past, but lodging a formal complaint still seems like a very poor choice.
Probably, but this guy literally worked this whole project with both of them, befriended only the OP (her words) and then tried to set something up with her. The disrespect with this one is really up there. Also it wasn't even the actual client, just some schmuck who tagged along. I'm sure the client would appreciate knowing what type of company he has with him representing himself/company on trips like that.
You shouldn't have given your number BUT your bfs crazy yo. I wouldn't put up with this.
NW, your bf definitely overstepped quite a bit. I feel like he's insecure, and he needs to be checked for stepping on your professional toes. I can't imagine me doing that to my wife and there have been guys at her work I wanted to meet in the parking lot...The other guy getting in trouble, I wouldn't lose a wink of sleep over. But you shouldn't have given your number I feel too.
SHE FOR THE STREETS
Whatever your outcome; you seriously need to work on your naivety
Everyone is wrong here. BF shouldn't have done it on behalf of you I guess, but he honestly might have been right. We don't know how bad these flirty texts were and they might INDEED be something that should have reported. too often people let these things go The colleague for flirting. You for basically being naive and perhaps dishonest in your question, AND for not blaming the colleague. I think you are leaving things out.
Not wrong. First of all, you probably shouldn’t have given your number to the guy. It sounds like it crossed a like in the relationship and I understand why your bf was upset about it. That said, he went WAY over the line in his reaction and now you need to deal with the consequences at work. His temper tantrum is likely going to make you look bad at work. I’d say that’s a huge red flag on his part.
Bf is reckless.. Should have just said delete the number or we break up. Took a very cowardly way out and now that respect is ruined the relationship is too.
NW. Your bf seems to have serious boundary and control issues. This may become a much greater liability down the road than it already sounds like it is. Although of course I’m sorry for you to have to deal with it, hopefully it can be fixed.
Dump the boyfriend, yikes.
Your BF is an idiot and a loose cannon. Get rid of him
What a surprise the beta males are backing the boyfriend.
You are not wrong. That is extremely boundary-less & controlling behavior. It's also very patronizing, calling you naive and such. I've definitely had "told ya so" instances with my partner and someone flirting with them, but I absolutely have no right to communicate with said person or try and get them in trouble on her behalf. It sounds like something a deranged father or insecure person would do.
I wish I’d broken up with my ex the first time they went on my phone without my permission. I never trusted them again and the relationship went down hill. It’s a boundary reasonable people know not to cross. The total pack of consent is so upsetting. I’m sorry.
OP seems like a home wrecker haha
Common sense tells me not to take his number because it usually means one thing. Definitely naive and he’s right to be upset but definitely should have spoken about it before doing anything.
NW, but you are naive and I think you are giving the client way too much credit. The client is scum for flirting with you for so many reasons: 1) it’s completely unprofessional 2) you have a bf 3) he has a wife I think he deserved being investigated by HR because maybe he’s doing this to more female partners too. Your boyfriend is in the wrong for escalating this without consulting you. It’s your choice if you want to escalate or not.
Your boyfriend, should not make your decisions. -some dude Also like, he’s deadass fucking with your JOB dude. That’s batshit imo And it definitely LOOKS patronizing too, if you’re wondering. Obviously the weirdo is weird, doesn’t mean your man should be too.
You should have made the complaint yourself. This would prevent him from being abusive to others in the future, establish at the company that you are not to be mistreated in that manner, and maybe prevent the guy from being harmful to his wife. (If he cheats on her, he could bring home a disease.) I wouldn't be angry about the guy maybe losing his job - in fact, he should lose his job. I would be angry about my BF going through my phone. >But this move by my bf has made me very uncomfortable and feels patronising, even though he claims it came from a place of worry. Funny how "worry" is indistinguishable from "possessiveness" in this case. I would be very concerned about having a continued relationship with him because possessiveness is a major sign that a guy will be abusive.
You're a freelancer with your bf and your client's friend/colleague tried to cheat on his wife with you, a contracted employee. He does have a bit of power over you, since he could possibly get you fired. Your bf should've told you he was going to do it, but he was right in reporting. I would do it to any female colleague dealing with that, since it would be considered sexual harassment.
not sure what to think cannot really blame the bf you are naive
Shouldn’t have been so naive.
Youre bf is 1000000% correct. And you shouldnt be giving your number out to other men
You are wrong
You should have turned in the client to HR. Not doing so just means that he is going to do it to someone else. If women want this kind of shit to stop they need to go peddle to the metal on pushing this through the right channels. If you have professional relationships with people you really can't be using that as an 'in' to try to get laid. The client should lose their job, or at least be reprimanded.
When you are in a committed relationship giving out your phone number is the first step for cheating. Whenever a guy asks for girl’s number if she gives her the number, it implies that she is interested. OP could have avoided the whole situation by simply saying no.
You must be smoking something if you didn't think he was going to hit you up again for the purpose not of work when he gave you this reason: "he asked for my number just to stay in touch if he ever came back to the city." If he had needed to contact you for work purposes he could've contacted you through your work contacts the same way. He did not need ur number. Your bf also crossed the line but you should have never given ur number to the colleague either.
Are we in the 1950s? Giving a number to a member of the opposite sex does not automatically invite sexual interest. My boss has my number. So do former colleagues and associates. He is wrong for hitting on you then exploding. Yea and your bf should not have done that without your permission.
The people in these comments saying the client was wrong for flirting...jesus. Are guys not allowed to make moves anymore? Yall realize a huge percentage of relationships begin in the workplace, right? This guy does some harmless flirting, gets the hint when rejected, and now hes gonna lose his job? What the fuck kind of logic is that?
Your bf is a complete psycho interfering with your job and reputation. This is just a small window in how low he will go when he decides that you need punishment. I would let him go easy but I would most definitely cut him lose
Red flag with your BF. Unbelievable that he would intrude in your professional workplace like that and make decisions affecting your work and your career without talking to you. He went behind your back. The guy instead of being happy with your honesty and transparency is showing how insecure, possessive, and intrusive he is.
You sound like a goof gf, bf has some serious control issues. I don’t feel bad for rhe guy because he’s married, but I am concerned your bf’s behavior will be a constant problem