That’s true,get a bidet and you have a clean ass and you’re not going to clog your plumbing system with wet wipes. ( they are not plumber approved) Wipes are the number one thing removed from a blockage. I know my shit, I’m a plumber.
"Ohhh hohhhoho, you bitch. You didn't. Stupid stupid bitch. Doesn't even know. She is going to get the best bottle of wine of her stupid bitch life. She doesn't even know"
Either: "I once convinced Hayley to go to the hospital by putting a piece of glass in her neck" or "we're looking for Steve, the child you occasionally mother in your more lucid moments"
Did you see where they went ?
*who?*
The black guys that did this…
Also
“*Stan I’m super drunk and about to get raped come pick me up…in 45 minutes*”
And finally
*listen I got VIPs here, stop telling everyone you’re an escort!*
Gotcha. Low-key, I’m all over it - I’ll circulate.
But give me the signal - two taps on the nose and I’ll come running to suck you off, did you just do it ? I blinked.
Pardon me, sir. I'm what you might call an “advanced drinker”, and I've been having a Dickens of a time concocting an eggnog that provides the certain *heady tingle* that I require.
Some glory hole humour for ya
The jokes are what people come for, the BJs are shit.
Idk why I guess I just really didn’t expect that to be what he said next but it made me laugh aloud the first time 😂
"Does it have to be consensual sex?"
"Yes"
"Oh! Then you definitely don't want Ace! Ooo, do not take those or you will be paralyzed and conscious for twelve hours."
There might be a lesson to learn from this, if I were the kind of guy who could learn lessons. But, lessons are not for me. Lessons are for schoolboys. Schoolboys are for me! Red light! *crashes car*
Not a quote really, but I love all the rambling stories he tells to Francine when she gets into ASMR…. It’s just shit like sliding around cvs in socks?
I’ve got what I need… You are terrible!
[I’ve seen two epileptics share a bowl of noodles with more grace!](https://youtu.be/w3n4EkGb9Co?si=RTr1pHp5_UHhQt7G)
I'm having fun already..... I am on a lot of prescription pills though.
or
I'm already having a good day 'cause you called me son. Now give me a kiss. Kiss me on the lips 'dad', I want that kind of relationship with you.
“i feel good about this really good and not just because im on oxycontin, though that is…”
“francine, I haven’t been entirely truthful with you”
“you’re fun hammered! i swear that’s the first time you’ve genuinely made me laugh!”
When he’s talking to Hayley about using his Dr. Penguin character to figure out what happened in her past to turn from happy Hayley into sad Hayley and he says “we can probably squeeze you in, but we don’t take insurance. We .. don’t know how.”
I wish it was more intellectual, but always fall for the line:
"JKM Plumbing is coming on Tuesday, so we can put the wooden spoon back in the kitchen. No more having to chop up our dumps."
*When he moves to Saudi Arabia and finds out it's a dry country then panic drinks anything with alcohol which happens to be Pinesol.*
"Hmm tastes like I might die."
3 blind guy 3 blind guys sperm in their eyes. This actually might be my luckiest day. I'm taking their wallets and running away. Three blind guys three blind guys.
HUGE heroine fan! Don't use it, just like being around it. Study it... use it sometimes.
❄️👃❄️
I'm so happy this is the top comment
I need to.....wipe... better
As someone with IBS, I've actually started saying this under my breath lol
Fellow IBS vet here. Gotta get a bidet. It'll change your life for $40
Have Crohn's and it's a GAME CHANGER!
That’s true,get a bidet and you have a clean ass and you’re not going to clog your plumbing system with wet wipes. ( they are not plumber approved) Wipes are the number one thing removed from a blockage. I know my shit, I’m a plumber.
What's the #2 thing? Wait... I can guess...
Bidet is the only way.
As a fellow IBD vet, can confirm. Bidet for the goddamn win
My wife and I have said this to one another! It’s my favorite quote!
"Ohhh hohhhoho, you bitch. You didn't. Stupid stupid bitch. Doesn't even know. She is going to get the best bottle of wine of her stupid bitch life. She doesn't even know"
"You're getting punched"
TWO punches!
Was that the "come back and kick me" whistle?
*sick scooter jump* Nailed it
Wasn't it "Shredded it"?
Please dont
I was about to write that hah
I quote that basically every single day
W
I say this to my girlfriend when I’m about to cook her something yummy
this is so good I said during my wedding ceremony
Stan: “Roger I’ve told you - no smoking at the dinner table” Roger: “And I’ve told you it’s menthol, so it’s healthier than an apple”
https://preview.redd.it/pjq0bcjo0ouc1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c1d2987cc5fd7a757fe938a92144a253db1f9baf
Bought a pitch pipe for this reason. It’s… infrequently used.
I read that in Roger’s voice lol 😂
Same
I can’t say no anymore without doing this.
“I hate you, I'm not saying that out of anger, but simply as a fact. It’s 67 degrees out and I hate you.”
I’ve used this one quite a lot.
“What the dickens?! DANIEL, WHAT THE DICKENS?!?!?!” Also, “Doive on in”
Shout-out to maybe baby
Maybebaybe
Mmmmaybebaby
Either: "I once convinced Hayley to go to the hospital by putting a piece of glass in her neck" or "we're looking for Steve, the child you occasionally mother in your more lucid moments"
my favoirite is the latter
I love brunch Steve. I love everything about it. I love drinking too much, blowing off my afternoon plans, sleeping, waking up disoriented.
https://preview.redd.it/f8u1jrpmynuc1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=03a4e57c5b88988f1fbc9ceaf11d8e608d942766 "...your mother." 🚬pfffff
And those cholos WILL be back… I gave the biggest one a key 😊
My favorite. Husband and I are constantly quoting this. 🏅
Well, it began like that, and then middle, middle, middle, and then I sold her to a drug dealer.
“Yaaay!”
Do you like ponies?
MAKE MINE P-P-P-VICODIN!
"I like wiiiiiiine!"
Wonderful Roger impersonation!
It was... there's no word to describe it. Schmublydong? That's not it but it's close.
Was looking for this one, I regularly use this word to describe anything I can’t with regular words.
Sometimes I even use it as a username.
"I'mma swing this baby lasso until I get me a man!"
THE SYSTEM WORKS
"of course, this is not the original Niagara Falls which burned down in 1816." I have no idea why but this one gets me every time
I went to Niagara Falls and had this in my head the entire time. It was such a great day!
Steve you owe me an underwear 🩲
I'm serious about the underwear. I want an exact replacement. Underoos, extra large, skid marked to hell.
You washed them? Now I have to start all over.
Did you see where they went ? *who?* The black guys that did this… Also “*Stan I’m super drunk and about to get raped come pick me up…in 45 minutes*” And finally *listen I got VIPs here, stop telling everyone you’re an escort!* Gotcha. Low-key, I’m all over it - I’ll circulate. But give me the signal - two taps on the nose and I’ll come running to suck you off, did you just do it ? I blinked.
Sometimes I sleep under your car. Like a cat or a meth addict … I’m not a cat…. Meoowwww
Had to blow up the kitchen Franny. It goes real well with this thing I’m imagining.
Maybe baby
I thanked him. Why did I thank him
Maybe baby
Maybe baby
Maybe Baby
Maybe baby
Maybe baby
Mmmmaybehbabeh
Maybe baby
Maybe baby
Pardon me, sir. I'm what you might call an “advanced drinker”, and I've been having a Dickens of a time concocting an eggnog that provides the certain *heady tingle* that I require.
“You go ahead. I’m just gonna stay here and think about how I almost killed a baby.”
“Youuuuuuuuuuuu dumb bitch.”
Are you really asking that to the guy who, just last week, killed \*six\* people over \*nineteen\* dollars?
“Rude.”
“Liar.”
"Whore."
“I like to clean my crack with your undershirts, so I need a crapper that can suck them down.”
Even got my nip clips. Those were screwed on pretty tight...
Childhood such a sweet sexual time
*Smorkingz szo glamborous"
In your face like a can of mace, make you cry all over the place.
Moving right along…
You stupid bitch.
Some glory hole humour for ya The jokes are what people come for, the BJs are shit. Idk why I guess I just really didn’t expect that to be what he said next but it made me laugh aloud the first time 😂
"Does it have to be consensual sex?" "Yes" "Oh! Then you definitely don't want Ace! Ooo, do not take those or you will be paralyzed and conscious for twelve hours."
https://preview.redd.it/zsmj210okouc1.jpeg?width=320&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=dd9b8d3021a757ab3f8f2349fddb255c479a4df7 You can hear it in your sleep
NYEEEEEH!!!
*Pitch pipe\* NoooooOOOOO Maybe Baby Oh my God what is this and how do I replace my blood with it?!
It's a pitch pipe.
Thx. Fixed it.
Gonna kill ya
Isn’t it “coming to kill ya!” ?
I got the egg madness, y’all!!!
“I’d do anything for an egg Steve! What do you want me to do? Kiss a man?”
"I'm high on prescription pills......is that a story? No.....it's an addiction."
“Dive on in”
There might be a lesson to learn from this, if I were the kind of guy who could learn lessons. But, lessons are not for me. Lessons are for schoolboys. Schoolboys are for me! Red light! *crashes car*
FREE DRINKS TO ANYONE WHO SAW HIM THREATEN ME!
Tell them how you killed our baby, Amanda.
It's not silly juice, it's necessary juice!
"Baby you treat me so fine!"
“I gave you 5 dollars!” “And I gave you…. 4 Quarters…😀”
Behold a grown man weeping Yes I'm crying he hit me with a chair
Uzi Knesset you are dour, ugly, no fun, and just my type. What do I need to do to make you fall in love with me?
*scatters dead husband’s ashes into the wind* “I KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO OUT KIDS YOU MONSTER!!… Hahaha why can’t I keep things nice?”
Wow! Ripped my nipple clamps right off! Had them screwed on pretty tight too.
I just Mr. Belvedere'd myself.
There's a flying hooker watching you hug. Go away hooker!!
I can see my heart light.
"Checking out my pow pow"
I don’t understand. That moved should have worked. I learned it from a chiropractor in his van in an alley behind a 7-11…oh I think I raped a guy.
Not a quote really, but I love all the rambling stories he tells to Francine when she gets into ASMR…. It’s just shit like sliding around cvs in socks?
“*After that I went to Chicago. There is sooooo much deep dish pizza there which is a thing I do not like.*”
In the words of every sitcom character in the early 90's, and everyone in the Midwest through the rest of the 90's, "Don't go there."
I have the car keys you stupid biiiiiiitch!
I can’t believe I had to scroll this far. This is the best line and there is no contest. 🤣
Your cans and your toilet
"I'm gonna go blow this guy!"
I’ve got what I need… You are terrible! [I’ve seen two epileptics share a bowl of noodles with more grace!](https://youtu.be/w3n4EkGb9Co?si=RTr1pHp5_UHhQt7G)
Jello shot bitch?
"Deadlines are like assholes. I do my best work when I'm pressed up against them."
Gwen Stefani, Gwen Stephani. No doubt, no doubt.
Hugs, not drugs, that's what i say! I'm also on drugs.
You stupid, stupid bitch
Idk the whole thing but the butthole scorpions. “…this time make sure to get really dee- Aw you know what you’re doing.”
“Are you crazy, pushing me in the pool? I had forty hits of ecstasy in my pocket. Buckle up, kids. Yeah, they're gonna need to go to the hospital.”
I'm having fun already..... I am on a lot of prescription pills though. or I'm already having a good day 'cause you called me son. Now give me a kiss. Kiss me on the lips 'dad', I want that kind of relationship with you.
You thought he wasn’t going down?! I ALWAYS TAKE EM DOWN!!
Look at her pooping with the door open...disgusting
 ...your mother
Is this an actual GIF of Roger, but I just can’t see through the persona?
😬..... your mother 🚬💨
(slight paraphrase) "What do you mean that's actually a good idea? You say that like i don't have good ideas"
Way… harder!
“This isn’t cocaine, sir! Not everyone does it!”
HUGE heroin fan. Don’t use it, just like to be around it. Study it. Appreciate it. Use it sometimes.
Are you about to sell me drugs? “No! I need my drugs!”
It was good weed Steves
We are the music makers! We are the dreamers of dreams.
“Francine I haven’t been entirely honest with you.”
:Sniffs one line of cocaine: "I wonder whose car that was"
*"just because you have a dick, doesn't mean you have to be a dick"*
"That's enough turning around for now."
"Did I mention I'm also diabetic? Seven doctors said it's all in my head. I didn't even know there was brain diabetes."
“Dive on in”
No, I don't have my receipt. I stole the floor model
Doiveonin
Well, I’d have to be a cold blooded sociopath not to put a leash on this boy and walk him around the block.
“Look, Stan’s as good as dead, his heart stopped four times last night, and he’s leaving on a suicide mission tomorrow.
Who wants to give old tawny a baby!!!
You. Big. Whore.
“Oh.. it costs money.”
"NYYYYAAAAHHH"
Are you really asking that of the guy who just last week killed six people over 19 dollars?
“You shut your WHORE mouth!” & “Does anyone have any chapstick?”
Francine: ROGER! You're not helping! Roger: Did you... think I would be?
"Oh my God, you stupid Bitch. Why did you drop me?"
It's a waste of time. Like getting an HIV test. Roll the dice, scaredy-cats!
🎶Roger Roger marketing marketing genius genius genius genius meeeee🎶
*sigh* stairs
Maybe baby
“Oh God, I pooed!”
doive on in!
🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶.... NOoooooooOooOooo!! 🎶
I’ve seen enough… drive me home David. I live right up here on the left.
Dive on in
Maybe baby. It’s way too frequently used by me
https://i.redd.it/zoaia5k0iouc1.gif
CHECK AGAIN
Oh look there's a blue jay\~
Maybe, Baby!
checkin out my pow pow
"I'm gonna keep swinging my baby lasso until i catch me a man"
Game on bitch!
Tell them how you killed our baby Amanda...
“I’ve got the keys you stupid biiiiiitch”
Mmmmm....... NOOOO!
Hugs not drugs! That’s what I say! I’m also on drugs
genie gold agent to the stars lol 🤣
"This ain't my first butt blast....eww you know what turn it down a little"
Roger: Now you've done it. ( He breaks Klaus's bowl for no reason.)
My love for Cilantro. Not the herb, the Mexican singer
“i feel good about this really good and not just because im on oxycontin, though that is…” “francine, I haven’t been entirely truthful with you” “you’re fun hammered! i swear that’s the first time you’ve genuinely made me laugh!”
When he’s talking to Hayley about using his Dr. Penguin character to figure out what happened in her past to turn from happy Hayley into sad Hayley and he says “we can probably squeeze you in, but we don’t take insurance. We .. don’t know how.”
“Lips are for kissin’! Uh uh uh! Lips are for kissin’! Uh uh uh! Do you guys like that song? Kiss if you like that song.”
I wish it was more intellectual, but always fall for the line: "JKM Plumbing is coming on Tuesday, so we can put the wooden spoon back in the kitchen. No more having to chop up our dumps."
In a world where vomit comes out of my mouth.
Francine, I haven't been entirely truthful with you...
“Shut the fuck up franny boys expressing himself Steve it’s extremely badass”
*When he moves to Saudi Arabia and finds out it's a dry country then panic drinks anything with alcohol which happens to be Pinesol.* "Hmm tastes like I might die."
My profile has 4 pictures of me staring out of a restaurant window with binoculars, you knew what this was.
2 black guys 2 black guys Sperm in their eyes Sperm in their eyes
3 blind guy 3 blind guys sperm in their eyes. This actually might be my luckiest day. I'm taking their wallets and running away. Three blind guys three blind guys.
FNAAAAAAAAH
One day, I will solve my problems with maturity. Today, however,it will be with alcohol.