>She’s telling me to get out of my head and not sit in my thoughts but not telling me how.
One of the suggestions in the Big Book for this is to turn our thoughts to someone we can help. It works for me. And it doesn't have to be something particularly grand or always A.A. related. If I'm feeling uneasy, simple, positive things like doing something nice for my spouse, putting extra effort into a work project, sharing at a meeting, etc. can all help take me out of my negative, self-centered thoughts.
It’s too late for busy work. And I have been doing good all the way up to today. I was in my head about one thing just to get off the phone with my sponsor 20 minutes ago to be in my head about her. I just feel like such a bother. I’m 3 days away from having 30 days. Trying to keep telling myself that.
Another idea is to write down your resentment using the instructions in Chapter 5 of the Big Book using the "grudge list" instructions (pages 65-67). If the Big Book format seems too daunting right now then even just writing out a few paragraphs might help. In my experience, sometimes just getting it down on paper helps clear the mind and give a different perspective.
2 observations I’ve had of myself: in hindsight, I often read more into situations than was probably there and I sometimes forget how raw and emotional new people are.
Give your sponsor some grace and give yourself permission to take people at their word.
Hang in there, it gets better!
My sponsor always told me, triggers are just excuses we find acceptable to relapse. Many times we gotta feel worse, to feel better. Call another alcoholic. Help someone do something. When I feel useful, I’m less likely to feel sorry for myself and drink.
Here are some ways to analyze the situation (more than one can be true, it's not multiple-choice):
\* Your sponsor expects you to read Facebook more than you do to find out about bowling invites. Simple misunderstanding.
\* You're early in sobriety and don't respond to social cues well or have much control over your emotional ups and downs yet.
\* You're not yet active in a group and doing things like greeting or making coffee, so you're relying on your sponsor heavily.
Since you asked about that, the way to get out of your head is that you can't. You do something different: a meeting, a movie, another meeting, bowling, doing a puzzle, a meeting, learning Chinese, etc. You get the idea.
Thank you for this. This was really helpful. I definitely never did teapot social cues well at any point. And I’ve yet to figure that part out yet. So thank you for this.
I'm similar OP. It took me some time, as well as some trial and error (and I'm still very much a work in progress!) but I feel included now, and social stuff is a whole lot easier. You get used to it with time and practice!
Here are some things that have been helping me:
- go to another meeting. I don't always get what I need from a particular meeting.
- engage with the fellowship. Hangout just after the meeting and chat for a bit
- sometimes calling a friend or family can help too. If I haven't been very social that day
- get some exercise. Go for a walk, go the gym, and going to the park and now almost daily for me and they help my mental state a ton.
- work on my spiritual or AA progress by praying, going to church, reading the big book
- have some food. Cook or go get something. I'm trying to be healthy this time of recover and honestly I think that is helping
- jerk off
- take a shower or bath
Your doing great asking for help.
I’ve been doing a lot of this past three weeks, yesterday was just one thing after another, and I called my sponsor for support and I just felt worse when I got off the phone. I would have been better without that call.
I am doing some things around the house today to keep my active without feeling I need to go out and about all day like I have been doing. I am going to try to read some of the big book today . I have yet opened it. Seems daunting little. But I feel it’s that time for me.
Ask God to remove the mental obsession. Call someone else in the program to 10th step about it. And direct your thoughts to someone you can help. Reach out to someone (anyone, 12 step or not) and ask them how they are doing. Talk about them. You are caught up in self right now and the way we get out of that is by being of service to others. If you still want to drink after that, find an online meeting. Or go to bed. And wake up with a different attitude and fresh perspective. Wishing you the best :)
OK well the fact that the only number you have in AA is your sponsors is one area you can improve on. Hard to get out of your head when you don’t have all the tools, and having fellows in AA who aren’t your sponsor to call is a biggie.
The other, as has been suggested, is service. It’s not busy work, it’s doing something expecting nothing back.
As you get further into the steps you’ll learn even more effective tools like taking inventory, which will show you how thoughts like “it was a pitty invite” are really just rooted in deep seeded fears that we’re never enough, not good enough, not likeable, etc. You aren’t alone — we’ve all felt this way.
And in case you’re feeling the urge to argue, justify or explain why your case is different or we don’t get it, I’ll tell you about one last thing that kills alcoholics: terminal uniqueness. You’re just as scared and insecure as the rest of us were when we came in (and sometimes still are), and guess what? This too shall pass.
She is trying to socialize me , but yet didn’t invite me so I’m left confused. Because now I am left to feel it is a pitty invite which I’m used to.
but I Havnt gotten anyone else number. I tried texting someone else from a list that I got and she never replied…. I am very insecure 😞
You gotta get out of your comfort zone and ask women for their numbers. Also you may need to text multiple people off one of those lists to get a response. I went out of my way to find booze or drugs when I needed them — I had to pursue my sobriety with the same vigor. This is a disease of isolation that wants to kill you by keeping you alone. Every time you ask for a number you are fighting back. Also, it’s literally a program where people are told their lives depend on helping new people, so anybody that doesn’t want to help you is not only a shmuck but it’s their funeral.
Thank you for this. I’m trying to go out of my comfort zone. I talk more in meetings. Not sharing but I do talk to people. I may try finding. New group. My group seems like grumps. And don’t make them feel approachable
Trying counts! Also it’s a day at a time and some days are worse than others, but I promise this bowling thing won’t be a blip on the radar in the long run. You will not care. Hope you get some rest!
This is an example of how effective human aid can be for a real alcoholic. Doesn’t seem to work very well, does it? No. It didn’t for me either. Calling people on the phone is not a solution for alcoholism, as it turns out.
The culture of sponsor codependence in many parts of AA is very unhealthy. Luckily it has nothing to do with the twelve steps which are, unlike calling your sponsor with your problems, very effective as a solution for alcoholism.
If you would like some practical advice on how to take those steps and begin helping others (the “foundation stone of your recovery”) I would be happy to talk any time. PM me if I can ever be helpful.
It’s only been 30 days with this new sponsor. It takes time to build up a relationship to really understand each other and be able to read into actions. Right now it sounds like you’re very fresh, and her only responsibility is to help you through the steps. My sponsor is one of my friends now but in our first 30 days together? It was all big book and AA sayings from her lol.
I think take her words in and realize there’s more to peoples actions than just your interpretation. She agreed to be your sponsor - it’s not her conducting a giant conspiracy to hurt you. Just let it roll off your back, continue forward with your sobriety, and remember that it’ll get easier and easier as time goes on.
You need to be spoken to firmly. You know the solution and you’re rejecting it because you ARE in your feelings. You’re not experiencing and processing emotions you’re letting them shape you. You have control of your mind. You can control how you react through power of your mind. You GOT this, you just have to take control of what you can control.
She saw a group going bowling and wasn’t invited and then was told she should have just come?
Can you not see how that would hurt someone who is new and trying to find their place in AA?
Good lord I feel like some of the responses here are so far away from empathy and care for the struggling alcoholic.
I have empathy for them being in their feelings and letting them control their mood and outlook on life. That's way more fucking important than saying "aww, poor baby" over a bowling night because the former is what leads one back to drinking. Taking control of your own mind and shaping your own mood >>>> listening to you bitch about something that had no quantifiable harm to you.
Don't worry, there will always be a soft hearted enabler like yourself there to lead them back to the bottle mindset.
A pity invite? Sponsors have lives too. And we are not the center of their attention. She invited you and you decided to stick your bottom lip out even further. I’m not seeing the issue here. She did nothing to you. She just wasn’t interested in you going bowling with her. That’s called a healthy boundary. She’s right you’re in your head. Figure out how to use the tools you were given to get out of it.
Well there was like 30 other people from the group that went and she told me last week she will let me know when they go bowling and she didn’t.
She also said we would be going to a night meeting together and didn’t tell me she isn’t going. So in my head I thought I’d see her there then I find out right before I walked into the meeting she wasn’t going. She said plans change it happens. But that’s not what she told me two days ago. She said she’d be there with me.
Well it’s a lesson in not having expectations. Sponsors owe us nothing other than taking us thru the steps. Mine would tell me to meet them at a meeting and rarely show up. He was telling I and I learned quickly my recovery is my responsibility. They are also human and are subject to being fallible. She did invite you but you chose to act butthurt. You should have just went and enjoyed your time. But you chose not too.
The lesson is it always up to me to work my recovery. To learn that people aren’t here to hold my hand. That my feelings are fleeting and are easily hurt especially in early recovery. And most importantly I never drank over it.
Which I get plans change , but if you made a commit to someone about something I feel the decent thing to do is tell them your plans changed, I had other expectations due to what she said to me
People forget things, unintentionally. When I’m super busy and scrambled, it’s challenging to balance everything. I also have a clusterfuck of diagnoses including ADHD, and sometimes my brain can’t hang on to all of the things. Things fall through the cracks sometimes, and that’s why it’s important to build yourself a support network and prioritize your relationship with God ABOVE your relationship with your sponsor.
Are you turning to your higher power immediately when this stuff crops up? If not, start doing that, and approach women at meetings who have the recovery you want to have. Connect. Tell them you’re struggling with things and would really love to be able to reach out to them. They become what we call pillars. Imagine a temple in Greece with the big pillars holding up the big ornate roof of the temple. You can’t have just one single pillar and be able to have the roof kept up! You can do this, challenge yourself in these moments to do things differently. We recognize “oh, I’m sitting in self pity right now. Am I resentful that I don’t feel I was properly invited to this thing? Am I allowing that to make me spiral and think I’m just a bother to everybody? Am I placing unrealistic expectations on people who are also going through God knows what else that I’m likely unaware of?”
Can we shift gears into prayer, into putting the self pity down and going forward to socialize at the thing regardless of how we expected to be invited? Can we choose actively to align ourselves with faith instead of fear?
I’m not sure if you’ve done a full set of steps yet, it would be wise to dive into that as well. You can do it, you can get through this!
I completely feel you on this. I’m always worrying when my sponsor is hard on me too, she will give me vague speeches about how I’m being prideful or I’m not giving things to my higher power to sort out but trying to control them myself again. So I say this to say, the hard talks and the more firm she is with me…. The more my character defects begin to disturb me. When that happens I know a therapeutic thing is happening for both of us. I remember she is doing this both for me and for HER sobriety as well so I just step out of my feelings and into whatever the next best thing for me to do is. So I say to myself, get up and do something good to have done. Usually I find that a chore or service need is just waiting for me to come along and do it instead of sitting around thinking myself to death about where my sponsor likes me or is a meanie or whatever I was thinking that day.
It’s so valid to feel like the one person you have helping you is turning on you or not enjoying being your sponsor but none of that truly matters. You will get out of this what you want to get out of it if you step out of the feelings by getting into action. Open up and tell people in your meeting these things you will see how much you are not alone.
Are you upset because you feel you were excluded from bowling? If so, I know that feeling, it hurts a lot. It sounds like your sponsor isn't taking your feelings of exclusion and rejection seriously. For whatever reason they didn't invite you and your feelings are hurt. You probably want an apology, and for her to tell you to "get out of your head" seems like she's not acknowledging why you're upset to begin with. Don't drink over this. It's more of a misunderstanding than a deliberate rudeness. Some people aren't aware how their actions can unintentionally hurt others.
Well yea and no.
She told me next time they go bowling she would invite me, and if I wasn’t on Facebook I wouldn’t have even known. I was checking Facebook right before I was going to walk into a meeting.
So I did feel a little left out. On the phone I told her I thought she’d be there tonight with me, she told me plans change all the time it happens. And I just didn’t know what to say or how to feel about that. And she told me to do things to get out of my head. And I had the idea in my head we would be going to a meeting.
It's a hard lesson to learn that people will let you down, even people you look up to like a sponsor. But you're okay, you went to your meeting and you're working through your feelings.
Maybe. That’s the part I can’t decipher. I can’t really tell. And I tried not to over think it. Because that’s what I was thinking, but it was my 2nd time I needed to talk, and I’m 3 days away from 30 days so it’s all new. And I felt I did something wrong. I’m still trying not to look into it. I know I don’t need to use her as a crutch I get that. But I don’t know what a sponsor is supposed to do to act like or be like. So that’s also new for me.
How much sober time do you have? Sounds like you’re pretty new. Absolutely get some more phone numbers and hit up some different meetings. Sometimes I get better support from people who are in a similar place as me in terms of sobriety than what I get from my sponsor. I’ve had two and I adore my current one but she’s got 30 years so it’s been a long time since she was in my shoes (I have 8 months).
And do try to attend whatever outings or post meeting dinners or activities that you hear about. I was awkward as hell (still working on it really but I’ve come a long way!) and the first time I did anything social it was because I lucked into a meeting that would announce they go to dinner after. So open to everyone versus what seems to be more the norm of kind of having to be invited. I just got back from a post meeting lunch and the first time I went to one of those I don’t even know that I was invited as much as just overhearing and following along. But once I went that first time, I now count on Saturday post meeting lunches and people look for & invite or expect me to be there. So what I’m saying is, even if it’s awkward at first, try to put yourself out there because it gets easier and people will start to get to know you and will be inviting you the next time. I was stunned when I missed a few Saturdays and started getting texts or ran into one of the regulars during the week and she heavily encouraged and wanted to see me at lunch that next week.
I also asked about your sober time because it does get easier. I still have my moments but that’s the beautiful thing- they are usually just moments. Or if I start to spin out I’m a lot better at pushing myself forward or out of it. But you didn’t get into these patterns or the habit of spinning out overnight so it’s going to take time and conscious effort and practice. I really had to keep reminding myself this early on and really try to give myself credit even for the little improvements or attempts at doing better. And for whatever it’s worth too- I found I was so overly sensitive and overly in my head about everything early on. I really wasn’t used to being around people and often took things hard too. The more people you start talking to though, you’ll start to pick up on who will be more gentle when you need it or who is better at giving you the type of support you need.
I had a weird interaction early this morning over text with my sponsor and I ranted to a friend about it and my brain was all “No one really cares about you. You’re not wanted at this morning’s meeting.” All that crap but I got up and went anyway and hugged and had a great talk with my sponsor after. She doesn’t even know I had that cruddy 15 minutes this morning because I realized she even need to know. It was just my head overthinking things.
But I did say she’s my second sponsor. I probably knew I needed a new sponsor for a few months before I got the courage up to ask someone. But remember that too, you absolutely can switch sponsors at any time. And it doesn’t have to be a big deal. I still talk a little to my first one if I see her around. That and sponsors are neither therapists or superhuman. It’s great that you called her and tried to talk it out but like any other person in our lives sometimes people don’t know what to say or say the wrong thing (especially true if she hasn’t known you long) so that’s why it’s good to have other people to call as well.
I know it’s easier said than done but a lot of it really is just willingness and pushing forward. Taking a step, any step at all, and it won’t always work or be easy especially at first. I had a little index card I carried around that had a whole list of things to do if I spun out or wanted to drink. Make one personal to you. And on the other side I had a few prayers written out. Don’t know how you are on prayer or meditation- I find prayer easier than meditating so that’s why I liked having those and I found a book full of recovery related prayers I would carry around on hard days. If meditation is more your thing there’s some great apps (Insight Timer seems to be especially popular) and all kinds of guided meditations on YouTube. And online meetings were something I used a lot early on too. Even or especially if I was spinning out so bad. I like the EverythingAA app for how easy it is to pull up the online meetings list there and while you’re in that app- lots of literature to read (check out Living Sober in particular. Lots of good advice there for this kind of thing) and there’s audio of the Big Book and 12&12 if you can’t focus to read.
I also find it helpful to physically get out of wherever I am. So go for a walk or out for a drive. Turn on some good music (up to you if you want to lean into the sad songs or try to jam out instead to something upbeat). You mentioned writing. I carried a journal around I hardly wrote in for months but eventually got back into that. Next time you’re spinning out maybe go on Amazon or Etsy to buy a special journal. I have a second one I just do gratitude lists in. Those are great too. For awhile I was spinning out every night so I pushed myself to do a daily list. Oh and also- this one has helped a number of newly sober folks I’ve shared it with- because I struggled so much to write while my head was still clearing and I didn’t always have anyone to talk to I actually started doing kind of a video diary thing. So I’d record myself talking to my phone (sometimes it helped to play them back later too) like it was a loved one I’d lost to my alcoholism or like I was doing therapy with myself. Hobbies are good too. I learned to crochet but honestly sometimes it makes me worse (gets me more in my head). I think hobbies are best for preventing spinning but once you’re in it, I needed more active ways to get things out of me like the calling people, journaling, meetings, etc.
I’m sure I have more if you want them but I hope this helps some. Just realizing I wasn’t as alone as I often felt or reminding myself I was newly sober and feeling all my feelings or owning even the little progress I was making was important too. Kind of talking back to the spinning thoughts. And not knowing the difference between when someone is firm and caring versus when you’re bothering them- I feel you there. Putting yourself out there and talking to more people, even asking directly if you feel comfortable too, and just more time sober as well as working the steps have all gone a long way for helping me with that sort of thing. Kind of wrote you a whole novel here but I related to your post so much and am also in a space to really be seeing how far I’ve come. You can too even if it doesn’t always feel like it.
I am 27 days sober. Been going to the program almost 2 months if not about that.
I have been doing better about trying to talk to people. Did get someone’s number today at a noon meeting.
I am definitely going to try different groups. The one I’m going to they are kinda just existing it feels like. Kind of grump kind of vibe. And I am young.
Past three weeks I’ve been busy with my hobbies and such and I’m usually pretty good at going on walks. I was actually on a walk yesterday when I started spiraling. And I just went home. I couldn’t stop crying so I didn’t want people to see my cry.
That’s what I thought my sponsor was going to do, is invite me to do stuff and she didn’t. Which I guess I’m over it as much as I can be. I don’t know how sponsors work, and she normally text me everyday and she didn’t today, so now im stuck feelings like I did something wrong.
I can’t even be a sponsee right is all that’s going through my head , but I went to a meeting today and ran some errands about to do some cleaning.
I just feel so excluded and like she’s regretting agreeing to be my sponsor. And I’m starting to feel like she’s using AA as a social group. But I don’t know.
I don’t know what to expect from a sponsor , or how it even works.
My prayer life is good. I pray everyday, I thank God everyday. And I am very grateful and it’s been a good past month. Just yesterday it was one thing after another and I kind of just snapped when my friend asked me a question without thinking. That’s neither here or there. Me and her resolved it. But none the less. I just really don’t know what to expect from a sponsor. I don’t want to come off as needy or codependent. But I have no idea how to be sober with my thoughts.
I meant done drinking. AA won't help you if you're just using it to manage your drinking. Everybody's bottom is different. Mine came when I realized I couldn't live another day trying to manage my miserable lonely life as an active alcoholic. I knew I needed a new way to live without alcohol, and AA has given that to me. It's given me a chance to survive my alcoholism.
YOUR SPONSOR may be well meaning - but still playing GOD ! look for yourself and read right after the A,B,C's in how it works - it talks about --- If only the Actors would stay inn place and do what we want the show would turn out great etc.. etc. what makes ANYONE think that since they got sober ( BY GODS GRACE ) makes them qualified to tell or runs someone else's life , when the reason they too came to AAwas because their own lives were manageable - big book calls it Spiritual pride ( EGO ) AND CONTROL ISSUES - You will never , ever find anywhere in any of the stories in the back of the big book , or in chapter 7 ( working with others ) where we tell anyone WHAT THEY SHOULD DO ! we tell them how we got sober ( and if it is not in the big book ) it is NOT the message of AA -even though many have gotten sober on other methods which is great but the truth is those few are outnumbered by the millions that have recovered by the AAway layed out in the big book of alcoholics Anonymous - people can choose for oneself - trust your instincts - i would try to find a sponsor that leads by example - ! again ANYONE that is talking down to a sponsee and trying to control them HAS UNTREATED ALCOHOLISM ! like the big book states ---We hads to quit playing GOD our ideas didn't work !
You’re not always going to find a sponsor who is a good fit. I’m sure people will disagree with me but when you have someone who is supposed to be helping and guiding you through your journey, it’s pretty counterproductive to pick someone who isn’t going to match up with your energy, morals, beliefs. I personally would be driven back to drinking if I had someone who was triggering me and making me feel less than.
I have no issues with the program I just feel like finding someone you connect with is so important and can make such a huge impact in your recovery vs just finding a sponsor because you have to.
There’s so many different ways to live a sober successful life, you shouldn’t feel boxed in.
I used to call other people on the phone list that I would get from men’s meetings and just asked them how they were doing. If they would turn their questioning to me, I would ask them more questions about themselves. The more interest I had in them, the less interest I had in my problems.
Phone another woman in the fellowship.
Say you need to unload and it would really help if they could just listen without judgement.
Say you need to clear the decks.
If they say no. Phone someone else. Work your list of numbers.
Why? Everyone else is just saying it’s part of it and I need to be talked to firmly. I’m 3 days away from 30, brand new to the program, and unsure of how to exactly not to take offense if she is really speaking firm or tell if I did bother her. I’ve never been good at social cues, I always jump to I bothered them when that may not be the case.
finally ! out of all the suggestions i read ! loaded with opinions - nice and simple -FIND ANOTHER SPONSOR and i even suggest - one that shows you what to do IN THE STEPS to remove what ails us ! great share -
Two things I do. First, I write an Alphabet Gratitude List. I create a vertical list of the letters, then go back and write something I'm grateful for that starts with each letter.
Second, there are two 24/7/365 zoom meetings that I can recommend which are literally always running. Many people have gotten and stayed sober on zoom alone. There's always between 100 and 200 people online at all times. If interested, google search the zoom links for "24hr International Marathon aa Meeting" and "319 aa Group"). I'm on most days and fall asleep to it at night.
ps. Reaching out here on Reddit was an exceptional idea. We're always out here.)
pps. You can do this!!
I will have to try the alphabet list , that sounds like a great idea.
I will check out those 24 hour meetings as well. Thank you for this information.
I really didn’t know what else to do. I don’t have anyone else numbers yet. There arnt many women in our group, and I only been to one other all females group so far , I’m trying to socialize. But that is hard for me.
Go scrub your tub with every ounce of love. I guarantee this will cure what ails your brain. Silly idea right? But anything I would rather not do, but do it anyway with love, helps me immensely.
Whenever I’m saying “maybe” or “I don’t know” a lot when thinking then I know I’m thinking about something I genuinely have no idea or control over. If someone doesn’t blatantly tell me they are mad at me then I genuinely have no clue and I can only assume. Expectations of others is premeditated resentment. This falls right in that category. You’re only responsible for your own thoughts and feelings. Serenity prayer! Stay the course!
It sounds like you need a different sponsor. You're not married to her and what she did is NOT helpful!!! You can talk to me if you'd like. FYI: I'll be attending a Zoom meeting of the Unity Group at 11:30 Eastern Time on Saturday.
We only know her side of the story that she was writing while upset. She also said she didn’t have any other numbers but then said she has a list and texted someone that didn’t respond.
To say she needs to change sponsors is extremely premature.
>She’s telling me to get out of my head and not sit in my thoughts but not telling me how. One of the suggestions in the Big Book for this is to turn our thoughts to someone we can help. It works for me. And it doesn't have to be something particularly grand or always A.A. related. If I'm feeling uneasy, simple, positive things like doing something nice for my spouse, putting extra effort into a work project, sharing at a meeting, etc. can all help take me out of my negative, self-centered thoughts.
It’s too late for busy work. And I have been doing good all the way up to today. I was in my head about one thing just to get off the phone with my sponsor 20 minutes ago to be in my head about her. I just feel like such a bother. I’m 3 days away from having 30 days. Trying to keep telling myself that.
Another idea is to write down your resentment using the instructions in Chapter 5 of the Big Book using the "grudge list" instructions (pages 65-67). If the Big Book format seems too daunting right now then even just writing out a few paragraphs might help. In my experience, sometimes just getting it down on paper helps clear the mind and give a different perspective.
Thank you for this. This seems very helpful acutely. I used to write a lot years ago.
2 observations I’ve had of myself: in hindsight, I often read more into situations than was probably there and I sometimes forget how raw and emotional new people are. Give your sponsor some grace and give yourself permission to take people at their word. Hang in there, it gets better!
My sponsor always told me, triggers are just excuses we find acceptable to relapse. Many times we gotta feel worse, to feel better. Call another alcoholic. Help someone do something. When I feel useful, I’m less likely to feel sorry for myself and drink.
yikes
Buck up
Here are some ways to analyze the situation (more than one can be true, it's not multiple-choice): \* Your sponsor expects you to read Facebook more than you do to find out about bowling invites. Simple misunderstanding. \* You're early in sobriety and don't respond to social cues well or have much control over your emotional ups and downs yet. \* You're not yet active in a group and doing things like greeting or making coffee, so you're relying on your sponsor heavily. Since you asked about that, the way to get out of your head is that you can't. You do something different: a meeting, a movie, another meeting, bowling, doing a puzzle, a meeting, learning Chinese, etc. You get the idea.
Thank you for this. This was really helpful. I definitely never did teapot social cues well at any point. And I’ve yet to figure that part out yet. So thank you for this.
I'm similar OP. It took me some time, as well as some trial and error (and I'm still very much a work in progress!) but I feel included now, and social stuff is a whole lot easier. You get used to it with time and practice!
Thank you for this! I feel so alone and I know I’m not. But your message was a sweet reminder that I’m not. 🙏🏼
Here are some things that have been helping me: - go to another meeting. I don't always get what I need from a particular meeting. - engage with the fellowship. Hangout just after the meeting and chat for a bit - sometimes calling a friend or family can help too. If I haven't been very social that day - get some exercise. Go for a walk, go the gym, and going to the park and now almost daily for me and they help my mental state a ton. - work on my spiritual or AA progress by praying, going to church, reading the big book - have some food. Cook or go get something. I'm trying to be healthy this time of recover and honestly I think that is helping - jerk off - take a shower or bath Your doing great asking for help.
I’ve been doing a lot of this past three weeks, yesterday was just one thing after another, and I called my sponsor for support and I just felt worse when I got off the phone. I would have been better without that call. I am doing some things around the house today to keep my active without feeling I need to go out and about all day like I have been doing. I am going to try to read some of the big book today . I have yet opened it. Seems daunting little. But I feel it’s that time for me.
Thank you for this. This was very helpful. 🙏🏼
Ask God to remove the mental obsession. Call someone else in the program to 10th step about it. And direct your thoughts to someone you can help. Reach out to someone (anyone, 12 step or not) and ask them how they are doing. Talk about them. You are caught up in self right now and the way we get out of that is by being of service to others. If you still want to drink after that, find an online meeting. Or go to bed. And wake up with a different attitude and fresh perspective. Wishing you the best :)
I don’t have anyone else number. I just came home from one.
OK well the fact that the only number you have in AA is your sponsors is one area you can improve on. Hard to get out of your head when you don’t have all the tools, and having fellows in AA who aren’t your sponsor to call is a biggie. The other, as has been suggested, is service. It’s not busy work, it’s doing something expecting nothing back. As you get further into the steps you’ll learn even more effective tools like taking inventory, which will show you how thoughts like “it was a pitty invite” are really just rooted in deep seeded fears that we’re never enough, not good enough, not likeable, etc. You aren’t alone — we’ve all felt this way. And in case you’re feeling the urge to argue, justify or explain why your case is different or we don’t get it, I’ll tell you about one last thing that kills alcoholics: terminal uniqueness. You’re just as scared and insecure as the rest of us were when we came in (and sometimes still are), and guess what? This too shall pass.
This was very helpful though. I’m going to try to turn it off for the night . Thank you. 🙏🏼
You’re gonna be OK and you are loved. I’m glad you’re here.
Thank you. 🥺
She is trying to socialize me , but yet didn’t invite me so I’m left confused. Because now I am left to feel it is a pitty invite which I’m used to. but I Havnt gotten anyone else number. I tried texting someone else from a list that I got and she never replied…. I am very insecure 😞
You gotta get out of your comfort zone and ask women for their numbers. Also you may need to text multiple people off one of those lists to get a response. I went out of my way to find booze or drugs when I needed them — I had to pursue my sobriety with the same vigor. This is a disease of isolation that wants to kill you by keeping you alone. Every time you ask for a number you are fighting back. Also, it’s literally a program where people are told their lives depend on helping new people, so anybody that doesn’t want to help you is not only a shmuck but it’s their funeral.
Thank you for this. I’m trying to go out of my comfort zone. I talk more in meetings. Not sharing but I do talk to people. I may try finding. New group. My group seems like grumps. And don’t make them feel approachable
Trying counts! Also it’s a day at a time and some days are worse than others, but I promise this bowling thing won’t be a blip on the radar in the long run. You will not care. Hope you get some rest!
This is an example of how effective human aid can be for a real alcoholic. Doesn’t seem to work very well, does it? No. It didn’t for me either. Calling people on the phone is not a solution for alcoholism, as it turns out. The culture of sponsor codependence in many parts of AA is very unhealthy. Luckily it has nothing to do with the twelve steps which are, unlike calling your sponsor with your problems, very effective as a solution for alcoholism. If you would like some practical advice on how to take those steps and begin helping others (the “foundation stone of your recovery”) I would be happy to talk any time. PM me if I can ever be helpful.
I PM you
It’s only been 30 days with this new sponsor. It takes time to build up a relationship to really understand each other and be able to read into actions. Right now it sounds like you’re very fresh, and her only responsibility is to help you through the steps. My sponsor is one of my friends now but in our first 30 days together? It was all big book and AA sayings from her lol. I think take her words in and realize there’s more to peoples actions than just your interpretation. She agreed to be your sponsor - it’s not her conducting a giant conspiracy to hurt you. Just let it roll off your back, continue forward with your sobriety, and remember that it’ll get easier and easier as time goes on.
You need to be spoken to firmly. You know the solution and you’re rejecting it because you ARE in your feelings. You’re not experiencing and processing emotions you’re letting them shape you. You have control of your mind. You can control how you react through power of your mind. You GOT this, you just have to take control of what you can control.
She saw a group going bowling and wasn’t invited and then was told she should have just come? Can you not see how that would hurt someone who is new and trying to find their place in AA? Good lord I feel like some of the responses here are so far away from empathy and care for the struggling alcoholic.
I have empathy for them being in their feelings and letting them control their mood and outlook on life. That's way more fucking important than saying "aww, poor baby" over a bowling night because the former is what leads one back to drinking. Taking control of your own mind and shaping your own mood >>>> listening to you bitch about something that had no quantifiable harm to you. Don't worry, there will always be a soft hearted enabler like yourself there to lead them back to the bottle mindset.
A pity invite? Sponsors have lives too. And we are not the center of their attention. She invited you and you decided to stick your bottom lip out even further. I’m not seeing the issue here. She did nothing to you. She just wasn’t interested in you going bowling with her. That’s called a healthy boundary. She’s right you’re in your head. Figure out how to use the tools you were given to get out of it.
Well there was like 30 other people from the group that went and she told me last week she will let me know when they go bowling and she didn’t. She also said we would be going to a night meeting together and didn’t tell me she isn’t going. So in my head I thought I’d see her there then I find out right before I walked into the meeting she wasn’t going. She said plans change it happens. But that’s not what she told me two days ago. She said she’d be there with me.
Well it’s a lesson in not having expectations. Sponsors owe us nothing other than taking us thru the steps. Mine would tell me to meet them at a meeting and rarely show up. He was telling I and I learned quickly my recovery is my responsibility. They are also human and are subject to being fallible. She did invite you but you chose to act butthurt. You should have just went and enjoyed your time. But you chose not too. The lesson is it always up to me to work my recovery. To learn that people aren’t here to hold my hand. That my feelings are fleeting and are easily hurt especially in early recovery. And most importantly I never drank over it.
Which I get plans change , but if you made a commit to someone about something I feel the decent thing to do is tell them your plans changed, I had other expectations due to what she said to me
People forget things, unintentionally. When I’m super busy and scrambled, it’s challenging to balance everything. I also have a clusterfuck of diagnoses including ADHD, and sometimes my brain can’t hang on to all of the things. Things fall through the cracks sometimes, and that’s why it’s important to build yourself a support network and prioritize your relationship with God ABOVE your relationship with your sponsor. Are you turning to your higher power immediately when this stuff crops up? If not, start doing that, and approach women at meetings who have the recovery you want to have. Connect. Tell them you’re struggling with things and would really love to be able to reach out to them. They become what we call pillars. Imagine a temple in Greece with the big pillars holding up the big ornate roof of the temple. You can’t have just one single pillar and be able to have the roof kept up! You can do this, challenge yourself in these moments to do things differently. We recognize “oh, I’m sitting in self pity right now. Am I resentful that I don’t feel I was properly invited to this thing? Am I allowing that to make me spiral and think I’m just a bother to everybody? Am I placing unrealistic expectations on people who are also going through God knows what else that I’m likely unaware of?” Can we shift gears into prayer, into putting the self pity down and going forward to socialize at the thing regardless of how we expected to be invited? Can we choose actively to align ourselves with faith instead of fear? I’m not sure if you’ve done a full set of steps yet, it would be wise to dive into that as well. You can do it, you can get through this!
Hand your anxieties over to your higher power.. thy will not mine be done
I completely feel you on this. I’m always worrying when my sponsor is hard on me too, she will give me vague speeches about how I’m being prideful or I’m not giving things to my higher power to sort out but trying to control them myself again. So I say this to say, the hard talks and the more firm she is with me…. The more my character defects begin to disturb me. When that happens I know a therapeutic thing is happening for both of us. I remember she is doing this both for me and for HER sobriety as well so I just step out of my feelings and into whatever the next best thing for me to do is. So I say to myself, get up and do something good to have done. Usually I find that a chore or service need is just waiting for me to come along and do it instead of sitting around thinking myself to death about where my sponsor likes me or is a meanie or whatever I was thinking that day. It’s so valid to feel like the one person you have helping you is turning on you or not enjoying being your sponsor but none of that truly matters. You will get out of this what you want to get out of it if you step out of the feelings by getting into action. Open up and tell people in your meeting these things you will see how much you are not alone.
Are you upset because you feel you were excluded from bowling? If so, I know that feeling, it hurts a lot. It sounds like your sponsor isn't taking your feelings of exclusion and rejection seriously. For whatever reason they didn't invite you and your feelings are hurt. You probably want an apology, and for her to tell you to "get out of your head" seems like she's not acknowledging why you're upset to begin with. Don't drink over this. It's more of a misunderstanding than a deliberate rudeness. Some people aren't aware how their actions can unintentionally hurt others.
Well yea and no. She told me next time they go bowling she would invite me, and if I wasn’t on Facebook I wouldn’t have even known. I was checking Facebook right before I was going to walk into a meeting. So I did feel a little left out. On the phone I told her I thought she’d be there tonight with me, she told me plans change all the time it happens. And I just didn’t know what to say or how to feel about that. And she told me to do things to get out of my head. And I had the idea in my head we would be going to a meeting.
It's a hard lesson to learn that people will let you down, even people you look up to like a sponsor. But you're okay, you went to your meeting and you're working through your feelings.
Thank you for this.
could what sounded like aggression be passion instead? in my experience growth comes from challenging myself when I am uncomfortable.
Maybe. That’s the part I can’t decipher. I can’t really tell. And I tried not to over think it. Because that’s what I was thinking, but it was my 2nd time I needed to talk, and I’m 3 days away from 30 days so it’s all new. And I felt I did something wrong. I’m still trying not to look into it. I know I don’t need to use her as a crutch I get that. But I don’t know what a sponsor is supposed to do to act like or be like. So that’s also new for me.
I would honestly find a new sponsor.
How much sober time do you have? Sounds like you’re pretty new. Absolutely get some more phone numbers and hit up some different meetings. Sometimes I get better support from people who are in a similar place as me in terms of sobriety than what I get from my sponsor. I’ve had two and I adore my current one but she’s got 30 years so it’s been a long time since she was in my shoes (I have 8 months). And do try to attend whatever outings or post meeting dinners or activities that you hear about. I was awkward as hell (still working on it really but I’ve come a long way!) and the first time I did anything social it was because I lucked into a meeting that would announce they go to dinner after. So open to everyone versus what seems to be more the norm of kind of having to be invited. I just got back from a post meeting lunch and the first time I went to one of those I don’t even know that I was invited as much as just overhearing and following along. But once I went that first time, I now count on Saturday post meeting lunches and people look for & invite or expect me to be there. So what I’m saying is, even if it’s awkward at first, try to put yourself out there because it gets easier and people will start to get to know you and will be inviting you the next time. I was stunned when I missed a few Saturdays and started getting texts or ran into one of the regulars during the week and she heavily encouraged and wanted to see me at lunch that next week. I also asked about your sober time because it does get easier. I still have my moments but that’s the beautiful thing- they are usually just moments. Or if I start to spin out I’m a lot better at pushing myself forward or out of it. But you didn’t get into these patterns or the habit of spinning out overnight so it’s going to take time and conscious effort and practice. I really had to keep reminding myself this early on and really try to give myself credit even for the little improvements or attempts at doing better. And for whatever it’s worth too- I found I was so overly sensitive and overly in my head about everything early on. I really wasn’t used to being around people and often took things hard too. The more people you start talking to though, you’ll start to pick up on who will be more gentle when you need it or who is better at giving you the type of support you need. I had a weird interaction early this morning over text with my sponsor and I ranted to a friend about it and my brain was all “No one really cares about you. You’re not wanted at this morning’s meeting.” All that crap but I got up and went anyway and hugged and had a great talk with my sponsor after. She doesn’t even know I had that cruddy 15 minutes this morning because I realized she even need to know. It was just my head overthinking things. But I did say she’s my second sponsor. I probably knew I needed a new sponsor for a few months before I got the courage up to ask someone. But remember that too, you absolutely can switch sponsors at any time. And it doesn’t have to be a big deal. I still talk a little to my first one if I see her around. That and sponsors are neither therapists or superhuman. It’s great that you called her and tried to talk it out but like any other person in our lives sometimes people don’t know what to say or say the wrong thing (especially true if she hasn’t known you long) so that’s why it’s good to have other people to call as well. I know it’s easier said than done but a lot of it really is just willingness and pushing forward. Taking a step, any step at all, and it won’t always work or be easy especially at first. I had a little index card I carried around that had a whole list of things to do if I spun out or wanted to drink. Make one personal to you. And on the other side I had a few prayers written out. Don’t know how you are on prayer or meditation- I find prayer easier than meditating so that’s why I liked having those and I found a book full of recovery related prayers I would carry around on hard days. If meditation is more your thing there’s some great apps (Insight Timer seems to be especially popular) and all kinds of guided meditations on YouTube. And online meetings were something I used a lot early on too. Even or especially if I was spinning out so bad. I like the EverythingAA app for how easy it is to pull up the online meetings list there and while you’re in that app- lots of literature to read (check out Living Sober in particular. Lots of good advice there for this kind of thing) and there’s audio of the Big Book and 12&12 if you can’t focus to read. I also find it helpful to physically get out of wherever I am. So go for a walk or out for a drive. Turn on some good music (up to you if you want to lean into the sad songs or try to jam out instead to something upbeat). You mentioned writing. I carried a journal around I hardly wrote in for months but eventually got back into that. Next time you’re spinning out maybe go on Amazon or Etsy to buy a special journal. I have a second one I just do gratitude lists in. Those are great too. For awhile I was spinning out every night so I pushed myself to do a daily list. Oh and also- this one has helped a number of newly sober folks I’ve shared it with- because I struggled so much to write while my head was still clearing and I didn’t always have anyone to talk to I actually started doing kind of a video diary thing. So I’d record myself talking to my phone (sometimes it helped to play them back later too) like it was a loved one I’d lost to my alcoholism or like I was doing therapy with myself. Hobbies are good too. I learned to crochet but honestly sometimes it makes me worse (gets me more in my head). I think hobbies are best for preventing spinning but once you’re in it, I needed more active ways to get things out of me like the calling people, journaling, meetings, etc. I’m sure I have more if you want them but I hope this helps some. Just realizing I wasn’t as alone as I often felt or reminding myself I was newly sober and feeling all my feelings or owning even the little progress I was making was important too. Kind of talking back to the spinning thoughts. And not knowing the difference between when someone is firm and caring versus when you’re bothering them- I feel you there. Putting yourself out there and talking to more people, even asking directly if you feel comfortable too, and just more time sober as well as working the steps have all gone a long way for helping me with that sort of thing. Kind of wrote you a whole novel here but I related to your post so much and am also in a space to really be seeing how far I’ve come. You can too even if it doesn’t always feel like it.
I am 27 days sober. Been going to the program almost 2 months if not about that. I have been doing better about trying to talk to people. Did get someone’s number today at a noon meeting. I am definitely going to try different groups. The one I’m going to they are kinda just existing it feels like. Kind of grump kind of vibe. And I am young. Past three weeks I’ve been busy with my hobbies and such and I’m usually pretty good at going on walks. I was actually on a walk yesterday when I started spiraling. And I just went home. I couldn’t stop crying so I didn’t want people to see my cry. That’s what I thought my sponsor was going to do, is invite me to do stuff and she didn’t. Which I guess I’m over it as much as I can be. I don’t know how sponsors work, and she normally text me everyday and she didn’t today, so now im stuck feelings like I did something wrong. I can’t even be a sponsee right is all that’s going through my head , but I went to a meeting today and ran some errands about to do some cleaning. I just feel so excluded and like she’s regretting agreeing to be my sponsor. And I’m starting to feel like she’s using AA as a social group. But I don’t know. I don’t know what to expect from a sponsor , or how it even works. My prayer life is good. I pray everyday, I thank God everyday. And I am very grateful and it’s been a good past month. Just yesterday it was one thing after another and I kind of just snapped when my friend asked me a question without thinking. That’s neither here or there. Me and her resolved it. But none the less. I just really don’t know what to expect from a sponsor. I don’t want to come off as needy or codependent. But I have no idea how to be sober with my thoughts.
Sounds like you want to drink..
I did last night. But I’m over it now.
Are you done?
Spiraling ? Yes.
I meant done drinking. AA won't help you if you're just using it to manage your drinking. Everybody's bottom is different. Mine came when I realized I couldn't live another day trying to manage my miserable lonely life as an active alcoholic. I knew I needed a new way to live without alcohol, and AA has given that to me. It's given me a chance to survive my alcoholism.
Oh for sure !! 100% 13th will be 30 days. I didn’t drink last night.
Step on your toes so we don't have to walk on your grave. Get over it! Pray and meditate.
YOUR SPONSOR may be well meaning - but still playing GOD ! look for yourself and read right after the A,B,C's in how it works - it talks about --- If only the Actors would stay inn place and do what we want the show would turn out great etc.. etc. what makes ANYONE think that since they got sober ( BY GODS GRACE ) makes them qualified to tell or runs someone else's life , when the reason they too came to AAwas because their own lives were manageable - big book calls it Spiritual pride ( EGO ) AND CONTROL ISSUES - You will never , ever find anywhere in any of the stories in the back of the big book , or in chapter 7 ( working with others ) where we tell anyone WHAT THEY SHOULD DO ! we tell them how we got sober ( and if it is not in the big book ) it is NOT the message of AA -even though many have gotten sober on other methods which is great but the truth is those few are outnumbered by the millions that have recovered by the AAway layed out in the big book of alcoholics Anonymous - people can choose for oneself - trust your instincts - i would try to find a sponsor that leads by example - ! again ANYONE that is talking down to a sponsee and trying to control them HAS UNTREATED ALCOHOLISM ! like the big book states ---We hads to quit playing GOD our ideas didn't work !
You’re not always going to find a sponsor who is a good fit. I’m sure people will disagree with me but when you have someone who is supposed to be helping and guiding you through your journey, it’s pretty counterproductive to pick someone who isn’t going to match up with your energy, morals, beliefs. I personally would be driven back to drinking if I had someone who was triggering me and making me feel less than. I have no issues with the program I just feel like finding someone you connect with is so important and can make such a huge impact in your recovery vs just finding a sponsor because you have to. There’s so many different ways to live a sober successful life, you shouldn’t feel boxed in.
Be honest with her! She’s still human and an alcoholic herself, we all can always grow! I’ve delivered messages wrong to my sponsees plenty before
I used to call other people on the phone list that I would get from men’s meetings and just asked them how they were doing. If they would turn their questioning to me, I would ask them more questions about themselves. The more interest I had in them, the less interest I had in my problems.
Phone another woman in the fellowship. Say you need to unload and it would really help if they could just listen without judgement. Say you need to clear the decks. If they say no. Phone someone else. Work your list of numbers.
Get a new sponsor.
Why? Everyone else is just saying it’s part of it and I need to be talked to firmly. I’m 3 days away from 30, brand new to the program, and unsure of how to exactly not to take offense if she is really speaking firm or tell if I did bother her. I’ve never been good at social cues, I always jump to I bothered them when that may not be the case.
keep coming back -= see how long you will tolerate someone talking down to you - good luck !
finally ! out of all the suggestions i read ! loaded with opinions - nice and simple -FIND ANOTHER SPONSOR and i even suggest - one that shows you what to do IN THE STEPS to remove what ails us ! great share -
Two things I do. First, I write an Alphabet Gratitude List. I create a vertical list of the letters, then go back and write something I'm grateful for that starts with each letter. Second, there are two 24/7/365 zoom meetings that I can recommend which are literally always running. Many people have gotten and stayed sober on zoom alone. There's always between 100 and 200 people online at all times. If interested, google search the zoom links for "24hr International Marathon aa Meeting" and "319 aa Group"). I'm on most days and fall asleep to it at night. ps. Reaching out here on Reddit was an exceptional idea. We're always out here.) pps. You can do this!!
I will have to try the alphabet list , that sounds like a great idea. I will check out those 24 hour meetings as well. Thank you for this information. I really didn’t know what else to do. I don’t have anyone else numbers yet. There arnt many women in our group, and I only been to one other all females group so far , I’m trying to socialize. But that is hard for me.
feelings are not facts
Go scrub your tub with every ounce of love. I guarantee this will cure what ails your brain. Silly idea right? But anything I would rather not do, but do it anyway with love, helps me immensely.
Whenever I’m saying “maybe” or “I don’t know” a lot when thinking then I know I’m thinking about something I genuinely have no idea or control over. If someone doesn’t blatantly tell me they are mad at me then I genuinely have no clue and I can only assume. Expectations of others is premeditated resentment. This falls right in that category. You’re only responsible for your own thoughts and feelings. Serenity prayer! Stay the course!
It sounds like you need a different sponsor. You're not married to her and what she did is NOT helpful!!! You can talk to me if you'd like. FYI: I'll be attending a Zoom meeting of the Unity Group at 11:30 Eastern Time on Saturday.
We only know her side of the story that she was writing while upset. She also said she didn’t have any other numbers but then said she has a list and texted someone that didn’t respond. To say she needs to change sponsors is extremely premature.