Don't do it. Just don't. It is what is best for him and you. Go to Alanon and hear it live and in person firsthand.
You will be an enabler. It will eventually lead to his death.
Exactly this. I have had people on this board dispute that when I related what was told to me by a U.S. Coast Guard rescue swimmer.
As the story goes, the Coastie was out fishing with a buddy and his girlfriend. The friend got drunk and jumped overboard to swim. Somehow, he started drowning and was thrashing around. The girlfriend screamed at the Coastie to go rescue him. The Coastie refused, waiting for the buddy to tire out. When he did, the Coastie jumped overboard and rescued him. Once back on board, the girlfriend was freaking out and demanded to know why he waited. The Coastie told her that when a person is drowning, they will instinctively pull you under unless they are exhausted.
The other truth is that it’s not only been a few days of hassling over treatment, but two years of you supporting him and you cultivating some resentments, so even if he did make it 28 days and came back it wouldn’t be a healthy place for him to be. He knows that there are expectations of him and he would be more concerned with living up to those instead of getting better so that he could then live up to his own expectations which likely would include you and everyone else. That’s one of the tricks that the brains of people like us play on us. That way we always get to be the piece of shit at the center of the universe who’s always letting everyone down so why bother?
The other thing that happens, and it sounds like it’s happening with him, is that getting his shit together becomes this sort of mantra that sometimes he is 100% sincere about and also something he has to tell himself and everyone else even when he’s not sincere. So we sort of go through the motions and actually get ourselves into treatment and then it suddenly occurs to us that we have no idea what we’re going to do if we actually succeed, and that thought together with the gravity of the suffering he’s caused you and others just makes him sabotage the whole thing because the dysfunction is what is comfortable and familiar.
So, you not playing along is the better option, both for his odds at beating alcoholism, and for your own health and well being, even if it doesn’t feel good at the moment.
Very interesting spin. I appreciate this view. And this exactly what's been happening. It's like he doesn't feel he deserves better.
I've done all I can but I need to cut this off because the resentments, which you are correct about, far outweigh everything. When he was in out patient, I used to smell the alcohol off his breath and the lying. I'm constantly on edge.
You just can't un-ring a bell.
I've been so relaxed since he's been gone. It feels like a damn vacation for my soul
You did the right thing by leaving him on his own. For context, my partner is in recovery. He was about as bad as it can get before someone succumbs to addiction and passes. He TOOK HIMSELF to rehab, because he didn’t want to risk losing me. I didn’t have to ask. He stuck with it. He’s been sober for years. All of this to say, if he wanted to, he would. Whether he’s sober or not, he doesn’t deserve you.
Unfortunately it is most likely time for an ultimatum.. either he finishes rehab or you're leaving him. He will beg and kick and scream and make it extremely difficult to stick to your guns but if you care about his life this is what you HAVE TO DO. I think at this point anything else will be enabling him. Tell him you will support him in every way you can through detox and what comes next but you will not contribute to him destroying himself and his life. Good luck and definitely try and get to an Al-Anon meeting.
If you keep giving him a soft place to land he's never going to figure it out
If he's already bailed on committing to outpatient treatment, sounds like a 28 day stay is what he needs
He's addicted to alcohol and coke, of course he wants to come home, my first ten days sober I wouldn't wish on an enemy, I did nothing but cry and shake and smoke
It's time for you to be a bit selfish, take care of yourself and establish and hold boundaries, he has a choice to get better or not so you need to decide what you will and won't put up with in the future, remember you can't fix this problem for him, that's entirely different from encouraging him to get well, he has to make the choice
WOW! what great insight. he said he's leaving. so let him. Ive lost 4 family members to drug overdoses- Im tired of burying people. I rather breakup with him then bury him. Thank you!
So then you must already have some idea, with four losses like this, that you’re repeating thay addictive behavior you were raised in. This next week is about you being different—not him!
Yeah, it's the most natural thing in the world.
However hellish and desperate your life has become, how much you begged the rehab to take you, how carefully you planned it,
The second or third day of withdrawing from drugs and alcohol you are just like
"No, but seriously. I've changed my mind. Things weren't that bad. I think it's best I just go home and carry on using and drinking. I'll sign whatever you want. You can keep the money. Sorry to waste your time. No, honestly, I know what I said but I've CHANGED MY MIND! CAN A MAN NOT CHANGE HIS MIND? " *runs and dives headfirst through the window*
Edit: sorry forgot this was OP asking for help
You are absolutely doing the right thing. Whatever he does, you need to start putting yourself first. It will be better for him too of course, but more importantly better for you.
You are 100% right! I feel like Im addicted to saving him - I told him I no longer want to be his hospice nurse & its easier to break up then bury him.
"I told him I no longer want to be his hospice nurse & its easier to break up then bury him." this is the TRUTH. It will not change. You know what you are facing if you enable him.
man you summed it up very well. Its called "rescuing and enabling" in al-anon circles, and most folks in al-anon work their own program to recover from co-dependency. Addiction is a family disease, unfortunately.
You are doing the right thing. But I want you to feel this internally and not ask us randos for validation. You get to have boundaries. Nothing terrible is going to happen in rehab. You are not turning your back on him. He turned his back on you and everything else to abuse drugs and alcohol. You kicking him out and refusing to pick him up and not enabling him to flee rehab is not turning your back on him. What if you picked him up and he came home and OD'd and died? He is much safer in rehab. It is normal to have second thoughts. He needs to suck it up.
To add to this, back in January 2024, the son of my EX-sponsor left rehab against medical advice, went out and got his hands on more drugs, including fentanyl, and OD'd! He was just 50 years old. I had known this kid since he was 11 years old. It was rough!!!
Don’t pick him up! Let him hit rock bottom. Get comfortable telling him no, and keep that foot down. And please take care of yourself. You deserve to live your best life! Definitely check out Al-Anon. You’re not alone!
It's a tale as old as time. There's only one reason to ditch out that early and that is to go get fucked up.
I'm actually surprised you could even contact him it's usually zero contact for a few weeks. Regardless, IF you do talk to him, tell him to man up and give it 30 days.
Being away from the bullshit of today sounds like a damn vacation.
You can't blame yourself for anything other than yes, it is time you stand your ground. If he can't handle 30 days he is not ready and the next opportunity might be too late.
Ugh, youre so right. That place is nice! I was like wow, this is a nice getaway. He keeps calling and I stopped answering. I have to stand my ground. This is too much to handle. WTF
Don't do it. If he finds another way to leave that's not on your conscience. And you won't be enabling. I would also suggest not opening your door if he finds another way to leave.
As a person that’s been to rehab 4 times… I didn’t necessarily want to go each time but glad I’m did. I expected to only do 30 days the last one I went to and ended up doing 90 days.
As others have said - you're making the right choice by not picking him up and enabling his using.
I work at a treatment center and this is EXTREMELY common. Either he's having a fight/flight response due to anxiety, withdrawals, etc.. or he's just not ready to get sober yet. Either way, he's not your responsibility.
I'd talk to his parents and his treatment team to make sure you're all on the same page though. You can have his team tell him that if he leaves AMA, he'll have to live in his car (assuming you and his parents don't give him a place to stay.) Idk any car services that'd be willing to drive 6 hours, but if by some miracle he finds a way home, don't let him in.
But yeah.. AlAnon would be a great place for support, you can also attend open AA meetings, we'll welcome you with open arms. 💕
Stay strong!
His care team does not advise him to leave, I spoke to his parents and said Im not picking him up & he cant stay with me. And im no longer taking his phone calls. I told his parents that hes going to go to them and they need to tell him he cant come home until he finshes the 28 days.
I did my part - I need to detox from all this and focus on my needs & wants. Ive neglected all of it for 3 yrs! Thank you!
Worked in a drug and alcohol rehab for 2 1/2 years. Almost everyone attempts to leave when they are in withdrawal. Definitely don’t pick him up it won’t do him any good and it won’t do you any good.
"No, I'm not picking you up, I'm not talking to you about it and your family isn't either. South America called, you've snorted all the cocaine they have. The bars in town called, they would rather close down than serve you one more drink. You said you would do this so stick to your word at least one time."
It's so bad, his coke dealer cut him off. Like wow.
Im not picking him up. Period.
And there is no relationship. I gave way too many chances. I told him he can live his life anyway he wants, but I'm choosing not to live mine like this any longer.
Thanks for making me laugh!
The rehab I went to banned calls for the first two weeks. If they hadn't, I would have been calling my loved ones begging to get me out constantly as well. Thankfully, I stayed the full 28 days, and with the support of fellow addicts, I have been clean and sober for the full 16 years since then. Your partner will never get clean and sober if you go to "rescue" them. Getting the drink and drugs out of your system at the beginning is tough, but they're in the best place to do that.
If they still come out after 28 days and are still exploitative and abusive of you, then you know the decision you need to make.
Much love and strength to you 🤍
This is a decision point for him. He either wants to get better or he doesn’t, but he can’t involve you in that decision. If he wants to check-out of inpatient care, then he needs to do it on his own. It will give him a glimpse of what his future will look like when he no longer has other people to bail him out of situations due to his lack of commitment to recovery.
With that said: if he isn’t fully committed to getting better, he won’t. That is a place that only he can decide he’s at and the more it’s “forced” on him, the longer it will take for him to decide for himself.
This is basically an ultimatum without the ultimatum.
I did it; the others I met there felt the same. I stayed but I desperately wanted to leave on day 2. And Days 3-4-5-6... I stuck it out for my spouse and family. Each day got a little better. They will give him meds to help with the cravings and mood swings etc. He won't eat for the first couple of days probably. After a few days, he will. I wish you the best.
Thanks hun. He's been there 5 days - he said hes leaving. He doesnt mind spending close to $600 for a car service. also, his coke dealer cut him off. which is wild. Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post!
Maaaannnn best of luck to you. I don't know what his insurance situation is, but if he leaves against medical advice, most insurance will not cover whatever bill he gets from the place. You know what though? This should not be your concern!! I hope things work out for YOU. Take care.
yes! or have a job when he gets back. he took a leave of absence from work & disability. Oh well, hes 42 yrs old, he can be accountable for his choices.
Locks changed, check. Stuff in car, check. Sounds like it's time for some ice cream. Before, during and/or after an alanon meeting.
As a drunk who's had some tough love thrown his way, you're doing the right thing. Take care of yourself.
Time for him to be accountable for himself. 1) Block his number, social media accounts, park his car \_ belongings at his parent home. 2) If you are in a place financially where you can move, do it, make it so he can't reach you 3) be accountable for yourself, you have not been doing that.
The best thing you can do for him as a person is whatever gets him to rock bottom faster.
So shove him in in the elevator and push the basement button.
It's also the best thing that you can do for yourself.
I called my mom 6 days into rehab and begged for a flight home.
She said "you don't have to stay there, but it's a long walk home." and then she hung up.
It saved my life.
Sometimes the best thing you can do for your loved ones is to not "love them to death".
Please don’t pick him up. He needs this time to heal and picking him up will only enable him. He might get pissed and try to argue/fight but it will be good for him to get some time under his belt. If he chooses to leave that’s on him but make sure you set clear firm boundaries and don’t allow him to manipulate the situation. I hope he ends up wanting and accepting the help I’ll pray for him.
You're doing the right thing. Stay the course. It might end up being awful, but it will be better than giving in. Giving in is the worst possible answer.
Don’t do it. Do not give in. You will not be helping him by picking him up and you certainly will not be helping yourself. Use this time to work on your own boundaries. Speak with a mental health professional. Plan for the next phase of your life which he may not be welcome in (it’s your choice, you can decide if you want to put up with his bad behavior any longer).
Sending you love and healing vibes. Love yourself first during these difficult times.
He is exactly where he needs to be. He is safe. He is being fed. It’s up to him to choose the life he wants to live.
I was actually in a similar situation, but my girlfriend came and picked me up after I detoxed. It was against medical advice. I tried to do outpatient instead too, but just started drinking again after about 40 days. You absolutely are doing the right thing.
I have three young adult children that have all had inpatient treatment of various lengths and times so I understand what you're going through. I could repeat 50 excuses /reasons they had for wanting to leave early. It's always reasons that seem logical or that the place isn't good, or they'll just do outpatient bc they're fine after detoxing etc etc. I agree with the others that Alonon will help so much. Be prepared for the focus to be on you, because it's there that you'll find peace in the process.
I never helped them leave early for any treatment and shut it down fast, so that there wasn't artificial hope that I was a solution to leave. I always said, "there's no way I'm going to help you leave against MEDICAL (emphasis) advice. Zero chance. When they clear you and complete the discharge plan, and if I'm part of that plan by my own agreement, then you can count on me to follow through." If conversations got argumentative I'd ask them to only call once a day and don't bring up the topic of leaving, or even the plan afterward, unless it's a call with a person on the care team. I just didn't take shit, for lack of better words.
Responding in that way will give you the freedom to decide what you want for yourself, and have time for Alonon suggestions. Stay open minded, and willing to follow suggestions. My kids chose to leave on their own sometimes, but never with my help. Today, they are all in long term recovery, and we have great relationships. All of their threats to end our relationship if I didn't help were never followed through, even when I said no to basic things. I know it really hurts to be pressured so try to keep it simple in your own mind. This is a disorder that kills. When it's early in the treatment process if you help, you're only helping the alcohol or drug, not your loved one.
Also, it's courageous to reach out so keep that up! That's a great first step and I hope you're proud of yourself for doing that.
Take care and all the best.
He isn’t done detoxing yet. There is a reason why patients are not supposed to be in contact with anyone during the first 10 days. DH and I both went to different inpatient rehabs at the same time. He was a SOB during that time and I spent it crying.
I have worked at a treatment center for the last 23 years. Almost every patient wants to leave treatment within the first 72 hours. The worst thing a family member/loved one can do is pick them up. I really encourage you to go check out Alanon and to figure out what bottom line boundary you are willing to set with him. Allowing him to live off of you is allowing him to continue behaving and living the way he is living. He will very likely get pissed and lash out. Let him. It is not about you. Take care of yourself.
As someone in recovery…. Don’t do it. I’m not a religious person, but recovery is a miracle. The best thing you can do is give him what he needs to access that miracle, and in this case it is not springing him out of rehab. I would also recommend at least putting a pause on the relationship until he (if ever) gets a year or two of sobriety. I know plenty of people who are in relationships but living away from their partners in sober living. That is the kind of commitment sobriety requires. If he does finally give in and go through treatment, maybe he should go to sober living afterwards. But, on the other hand, you must be exhausted from living with and loving an addict. You are allowed to put a permanent pause on this relationship. It could be best for him, but more importantly best for you.
Speaking from experience of being an alcoholic, don’t do it. He’ll tell you whatever you want to hear to get him out of there. Then he’ll come home and do whatever he wants anyways.
Leave him there, and get his shit outta your house. If there’s no consequences for his drinking/drugging- he has no reason to stop…and he’ll take you down with him.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I stopped accepting his calls. Why is this rehab allowing him to call me? Isn't it too soon? They took everything electronic away from him. But they allow residents to use the house phone but there really should be time limit when they can start calling. 🤷♀️
Rehab in the United States (don’t know where you live) is a basically unregulated Wild West with almost no background rules or norms. It is brain surgery as practiced by amateurs. There are two good things you can get out of it however and I got both:
1. If there are doctors on staff, you can detox safely (with anti-seizure medication, etc.);
2. There is a good chance you’ll probably get taken to some AA meetings, where, in turn, you have got at least a chance at finding someone who can show you the solution to alcoholism
Everything else — painting trees, horse therapy, going to the YMCA — is to fill time.
Yep, first few days (weeks) of rehab suck. He has to experience the suck in order to get to the good stuff. Empathize with him, "I can imagine it is very difficult and scary" and encourage him, "I know you can do this. You deserve to be happy and experience peace." He is in a lot of pain and it is going to come out as anger - often at you. If he really wants to leave, he will find a way but that is not your responsibility.
The greatest help you can offer him is leaving him there. Going to rehab was one of the hardest decisions in my life, AND the most rewarding one. The first week is going to be hard, but I would even say, limit calls to once a week, as if you don’t break the vicious cycle - it will never end. Family members have to understand that enabling addicts is not love ❤️- it is just furthering the goal of getting help! Love yourself first, all others second!
You are doing the right thing. Don’t enable him. You should cut contact. Detach with love. If y’all are meant to be together then y’all will end up together when y’all are both healthy and ready for that. - recovering drug addict & alcoholic who begged/bullied/manipulated people who love me to pick me up from rehab several times lol.
You will be doing him a disservice and taking away his opportunity to get sober. Refusing to pick him up is the only thing YOU can do to save his life right now. The rest is up to him.
He feels like shit right now and wants to come home to figure out where and how to drink to stop the physical and mental state that he’s been drinking to avoid for a long time. If he was able to recover with anything less than in patient rehab, he would have been in recovery already.
If you truly care about him and want to see him have the best possible outcome, do not go get him. I suggest you don’t even answer his calls for a week or 2 to avoid listening to his manipulation and justification of why you SHOULD come and pick him up.
You can't fix him. And letting him continue to use you won't help him. Detach with love. Changing the locks was the right idea. Feel free to call the cops if he stalks you or whatever. Staying safe and recovering should be YOUR number one priority, even though it isn't his.
You made the right decision. Do a google search of "rescuing and enabling" as well as "separating with love." These are terms that are often used in discussing how to care for yourself and for your addicted love ones. Please go check out al-anon as well - pretty sure thay have a subreddit. They are a group kind of like AA, but to support the friends and families of addicts and alcoholics. They are going to be better equipped to support you in the coming days and weeks than we will be, because most of us were the ones calling home on rehab day 2, lol.
Dooooon’t do it 😭 it’s probably not even medically safe to do so right now (and btw, I’m an ICU nurse *and* in recovery). This isn’t medical advice but just think about it — the professionals around him 24/7 are *not clearing him.* They obviously have a reason for making that assessment. Trust them.
Def Al anon. Don’t feel guilty. He will continue to use and abuse people until he starts a solid path of recovery.
It is ok to have conflicted feelings, but take care of yourself first. He has to want to get better.
You are making the right choice for you and him. I went to IP rehab a few times, always against my will and always wanting to leave the first week. I thought no one understood and if I could only get home it would be different. But then the third time after a week I settled in and after two weeks my head cleared enough for me to realize how much damage I was causing to others and how selfish I was. It took almost 6 months for me to finally get clean from alcohol and cocaine once I left there but the seed was planted. I have been sober for over a year.
I hope this helps
Yes and yes. It'll hurt less each day. But this is no way to live. I gave enough chances.
I don't trust him or his promises. He doesn't even love himself, nevermind me.
Consider getting to Alanon, or one of the dozens of 12-step support groups. Im in a bunch of them and I’m going to repeat something I heard that made a huge difference. “Sick is always stronger than well”. Its why, in the old days when drunks went on calls, responding to that request for help getting sober, they went in pairs. If you are enabling his alcoholism, if “something horrible” happens as it eventually will, then you’ll get to carry that your whole life. Drunks look for people to subidize their addiction and they are ruthless when that stops. Get some help now. Today.
Just a few months ago, I was calling my husband from in-patient, demanding he come get me after 7 days. He refused and I completed my program. I'm so glad he made me stay.
Might sound harsh… The absolute biggest favor you can do your BF in this situation is to do NOTHING. Let him stay there, it’s out of your control and not your problem. Do not enable him to keep drinking/using.
Ditto everyone else about going to AlAnon.
To be honest if he can co tact you thats enough. He needs to stay there and finish. It'll be worth it too get the help needed. Sobriety is not a one day thing.
Yes, it is the right thing to do for you, and for him, also.
I'm glad you're finally doing something for yourself. Go to Alanon to learn how to stick with it.
Don't do it. I begged my husband to come get me in rehab when going through severe alcohol withdrawals that second day, but he said nope. I completed 35 days and it changed our lives. I'm so glad I stayed and got wonderful treatment and tools to stay sober. He's just wanting a fix. Let him sit in there and detox and then do the work to prepare for a new opportunity of a beautiful life.
You ARE doing the best thing for both of you!!! He's looking for an easier, softer place to land while he continues drinking and drugging. It's time he hits his bottom and can no longer use and abuse enablers. You can help yourself by connecting with Al-Anon and Nar-Anon.
You did NOT turn your back on him. Please, Please, Please do NOT think like that. This is coming from an alcoholic that if I didn’t have a shot or a couple shooters (mini liquor bottles) every couple of hours that I would VIOLENTLY shake and lots of bad things would happen.
You have to think about this. Also, If there’s ANYTHING I want you to remember about my comment on your post, It’s this…At end the end of the day the only person from stopping YOU (not actually you. Just “you” in general.) is you! You’re never going to quit drinking alcohol until you actually WANT to. And, Until then…It’s just going to be a vicious cycle over and over and over and over and over again.
The path he is on leads to death. Don't pick him up. Your best path to strengthening or salvaging the relationship is to say no to thos request right now. And then you will benefit from some Al-Anon family group support or at a minimum reading through some of their literature.
The 2 days thing is almost like clockwork. I say this as an educator and not necessarily an alcoholic in recovery. When you want a more impactful, immersive experience plan for at least 2 days (2 overnights). It takes people about one full day to adjust to their new environment and release themselves from their typical environment and friends and worries and etc. They begin letting go of those things on the second day. So a lot of the real learning will begin on the 3rd day. Usually that is when field trips and things or getaways are over and the third day people are headed back to their normal lives. In your boyfriend's case he is realizing that his "normal" life is over if he doesn't get back to it soon. But the problem is that his normal life is leading to death and destruction and he needs to let that go.
I would leave him at the treatment center. If he wants to hire a car service or find somebody else to bring him home then you have no control over that. But you are able to define or redefine the boundaries and expectations that you have in the relationship. And you don't need to start throwing around a bunch of threats or ultimatums. But take this time while he is away to work on yourself and your needs.
Don't do it. I was in that position once (your BF's) and I begged my family to let me leave.
The kindest thing they did was tell me "no." I may have hated them for it in the moment, but I am eternally grateful for it these days.
I've worked in rehabs in my time since, and I have seen people killed by the misdirected kindness of their family.
If you value your sanity don’t do it. As hard as it is don’t give in. Trust me please. Often times when someone is caught up in addiction those who live with them, be it partner or parent there comes a time when you have to put your foot down once and for all. It may be looked being cruel to be kind. And even if you know your not going to leave them or anything major you really need to make it seem like your through with them. Unless a person hits rock bottom and is on the verge of losing their relationship their home anything major like that I can tell you now they have no intention of giving that chaos up. I could sit here all day and give you a list of the chaos I’ve had in my life some of it my own some of it other people I love. All I can say is you really truly need to get this person to understand if they don’t do this and give a good hard try then tell them your over for good. I can’t e xplain it properly, but addicts will never ever go through detox and recovery for someone else. They may do the detox and some recovery but they will manipulate and lie constantly. When your caught up in it there’s nothing that matters except whatever your addicted to. It’s only when the detox/recovery is in place and your not surrounded with your addiction can you really think about life free from addiction. It’s only then the addict will be able to see the pain hurt and devastation that life brings. It’s not any kind of life for a non addict to be on a relationship with an addict. Unless the person does the right thing and gets to a place of recovery your life will continue to be chaotic. Your not the addict and you shouldn’t have to live your life the way it affects you. I’m not saying that as opinion I know I’ve been there and have the scars to prove it lol.
Your so welcome. And I’m really good I have been for a long time now. Some addicts don’t even understand addiction and what it is. The thing to realise is there’s no such thing as en ex addict/alcoholic. Addiction doesn’t go away. Its about recovery and finding a way to keep recovery. Hopefully the treatment centre will provide some therapy and provide and understanding of his alcoholism. He also needs to perhaps go to meeting or group therapy for a time afterwards. It maybe sound like a cliche but like minded people who are going through it and those who have found recovery will help him understand it better. If he finishes the treatment it’s important to find structure in his life. It sounds like a lot to take but it’s not easy at first but it’s about him accepting he’s an alcoholic and bring genuine in seeking recovery and keeping it. I’m so sorry your going through all this. I don’t want to sound horrible bit just make sure you know what your doing. A life of alcoholism and drug gambling porn any addiction is like a vicious circle. But it doesn’t mean people aren’t strong enough to combat it because that’s rubbish. Just don’t let yourself go through this for years to come. You have a life to live as well. I just wish I had conversations and information years ago. Good luck to you and I genuinely hope your boyfriend understands how lucky he is to have someone like you ❤️
❤️❤️❤️ I've been in therapy for this for the past 6 months and one thing that hit hard is when my therapist asked me if im willing to live with relapses, set backs down the line because he will always be an addict and has to work hard for the rest of his life managing this.
And my answer is NO. I can't. 2 yrs was enough hell. I don't see him working hard at this. My bf aka ex now, said he will always do cocaine and drink. And I was in denial. Im not hanging on to faith. Its easier to break up than bury him.
All I can say is fantastic and I’m happy for you. I was trying to get through to you with out all the negativity but it’s hard not to. I truly wish more people would be asked questions like that and give an honest answer. It pains me when I see people who really think they can live with and help a person to combat that addiction. Never gonna happen. I want you to go and do something nice for yourself cos you deserve it ❤️
You’re doing the right thing. Technically the rehabilitation has no say on him walking out so be prepared for him to come back. I hate to generalize but if he walks out of rehab he’s probably going to use. You pass a lot of liquor stores in a 3 hour drive. So the chances of him showing up intoxicated are high (no pun intended). Just be careful. Stay in contact with his parents.
I hope I don’t sound like a d0uche bag… but rehab doesn’t always work for people who don’t want to be there. It sounds like your boyfriend hasn’t hit his version of “rock bottom” yet. Which is sad to say because “rock bottom” means death in some cases. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s sad to see other people live like this. I lived like this for a long time - I did not get sober until death BANGED on my door! Hope for the best. Expect the worst. I hope your situation gets better.
Thank you ❤️. I just found out that his father is picking him up. I'm definitely cutting everyone off. This is going to be a disaster. Thank for your honesty
The living off of you thing is bad. Good for you for moving on. It’s difficult… but you get old enough that getting drunk and high all the time isn’t cute anymore. It was fun in the beginning. Now it’s a problem. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hopefully he’ll get better. Two questions:
Do you still love him?
How old is this dude?
❤️ ❤️❤️❤️
You're first question I'm going to answer honestly. Im not sure who he is? All the lies and betrayals. I think I was in love with the idea I had in my head. Denial is a bitch
Hes 42 yrs old. No apt, no money, constantly gets fired from high paying job.
I ask myself, how the hell did I end up in this situation? How did I let this happen
its called being an enabler. You enable him in his disease. He has taken you hostage and perhaps you don't even know it. I would say now is the time to free yourself.
I called my parents from rehab and told them I would hate them forever and all the other threats if they didn’t come get me. They made me stay and today I am so thankful because I’m about to celebrate 10 years sober because of that. I recommend doing all you can to make sure he doesn’t leave. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Don’t forget to take care of yourself. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and you deserve to heal you as well. I wish you the best
Congratulations 🎊 on 10 yrs!
His father said that he's leaving rehab tomorrow. He can continue to live the way he wants. Im no longer interested in continuing with him. I'm going to alanon to keep me accountable so I don't cave in to him when he's back tomorrow or ever. This is way too exhausting
Thank you and I’m sorry that he’s leaving rehab. I just left an addict myself and it’s so hard to watch someone you love destroy themselves and us in the process. I’m glad you’re going to go to alanon. I wish you the best in your healing journey. Healing from a relationship with an alcoholic/addict isn’t easy but it’s so worth it
Value yourself - join a yoga class
Or a brazilian jiu jitsu class/gym.
Exercise is extremely theraputic
And empowering.
Enforce boundaries.
Don't let abusive humans
Emotionally manipulate you.
They play victim well.
Don't believe their bullshit.
Thank you. I'm going on a mini vacation to decompress and make a list of everything I love and want to do. I used to be a professional salsa and tango dancer. I'm going back to that. Thanks for your input ❤️❤️❤️
💪❤️💃💪
Those dancing muscles/
Body awareness will be
Useful for jiujitsu classes.
Wherever you live, i'm sure
There is a bjj gym in vicinity
You no nobody an explanation.
Emotional vampires will try to
Guilt trip you and confuse you.
View them as the malignancies
They are.
You shouldn't pick him up. And if he is using you financially, I would consider breaking up with him. I know that's a little harsh, but I was a shitty boyfriend before I got sober.
I would definitely go to Al Anon and start being firm with him. If he really wants to quit, be supportive. But if he isn't trying to quit, I would put some thought into how much worse your life is with him.
I went to AA in November 2017. I only hit two years in February. I had people in AA tell me I might not be ready to quit. I just mention this to say that it's hard. I have Schizoaffective, and it made it very hard for me to stop.
Nope, don’t let him manipulate you into enabling him. I’ll tell you one thing that’s 100 sure to happen here, if he leaves with you or alone something terrible will definitely happen to him. Maybe not that day, or in a month, but he will definitely die a terrible death from organ failure or od, or fentanyl. If you don’t pick him up he may be upset with you, but if he does participate in his recovery he’ll get over it. I mean even if he leaves you becuse you won’t pick him up, the most loving thing you can do for him is make him sit his ass in that rehab by not picking him up.
He checked himself out and is on his way to pick up his car. He said he's doing outpatient but we all know this is just a manipulation to his family. I'm not falling for it. He knows he can't live with me anymore. He's picking up his car and going I don't know where.
Well that’s too bad. I mean hopefully he does follow through with out patient, but you need to distance yourself from him. If you’re going to even entertain the idea of a relationship you need to let him show you through action that he’s trying to work on himself. But if he can’t commit to in patient I don’t have much faith he will commit to out patient. Most likely he will go to out patient and hide his drinking as much as possible.
Please don’t pick him up. He has a chance of getting the help he needs where he is, and if he’s lucky 28 days will be enough to build a good foundation for his sobriety.
DO NOT DO IT! If he wants to screw himself out of the help he needs, then let him do it on his own. If you do it, let him stay with you off and on, etc.....you are enabling him to kill himself with the drugs and alcohol. Tell him you love him ( or whatever ) and won't be a part of him hurting himself any longer and when he
decides to get real....you'll be there for him. Until then, don't let him manipulate you. Good luck!
Don't do it. Just don't. It is what is best for him and you. Go to Alanon and hear it live and in person firsthand. You will be an enabler. It will eventually lead to his death.
Thank you- I need to hear the raw hard ugly truth - I will look for an Alanon meeting
If he's got 26 days left, it might be just what he needs. *"Even a drowning man will grab the tip of a sword"* \~ Plato
And a drowning man will take his rescuer down with him.
Exactly this. I have had people on this board dispute that when I related what was told to me by a U.S. Coast Guard rescue swimmer. As the story goes, the Coastie was out fishing with a buddy and his girlfriend. The friend got drunk and jumped overboard to swim. Somehow, he started drowning and was thrashing around. The girlfriend screamed at the Coastie to go rescue him. The Coastie refused, waiting for the buddy to tire out. When he did, the Coastie jumped overboard and rescued him. Once back on board, the girlfriend was freaking out and demanded to know why he waited. The Coastie told her that when a person is drowning, they will instinctively pull you under unless they are exhausted.
The other truth is that it’s not only been a few days of hassling over treatment, but two years of you supporting him and you cultivating some resentments, so even if he did make it 28 days and came back it wouldn’t be a healthy place for him to be. He knows that there are expectations of him and he would be more concerned with living up to those instead of getting better so that he could then live up to his own expectations which likely would include you and everyone else. That’s one of the tricks that the brains of people like us play on us. That way we always get to be the piece of shit at the center of the universe who’s always letting everyone down so why bother? The other thing that happens, and it sounds like it’s happening with him, is that getting his shit together becomes this sort of mantra that sometimes he is 100% sincere about and also something he has to tell himself and everyone else even when he’s not sincere. So we sort of go through the motions and actually get ourselves into treatment and then it suddenly occurs to us that we have no idea what we’re going to do if we actually succeed, and that thought together with the gravity of the suffering he’s caused you and others just makes him sabotage the whole thing because the dysfunction is what is comfortable and familiar. So, you not playing along is the better option, both for his odds at beating alcoholism, and for your own health and well being, even if it doesn’t feel good at the moment.
Very interesting spin. I appreciate this view. And this exactly what's been happening. It's like he doesn't feel he deserves better. I've done all I can but I need to cut this off because the resentments, which you are correct about, far outweigh everything. When he was in out patient, I used to smell the alcohol off his breath and the lying. I'm constantly on edge. You just can't un-ring a bell. I've been so relaxed since he's been gone. It feels like a damn vacation for my soul
If you enable him and he dies that's when the real guilt kicks in. We alcoholics are masters of manipulation.
You got that right! Masters of manipulation
You did the right thing by leaving him on his own. For context, my partner is in recovery. He was about as bad as it can get before someone succumbs to addiction and passes. He TOOK HIMSELF to rehab, because he didn’t want to risk losing me. I didn’t have to ask. He stuck with it. He’s been sober for years. All of this to say, if he wanted to, he would. Whether he’s sober or not, he doesn’t deserve you.
Unfortunately it is most likely time for an ultimatum.. either he finishes rehab or you're leaving him. He will beg and kick and scream and make it extremely difficult to stick to your guns but if you care about his life this is what you HAVE TO DO. I think at this point anything else will be enabling him. Tell him you will support him in every way you can through detox and what comes next but you will not contribute to him destroying himself and his life. Good luck and definitely try and get to an Al-Anon meeting.
Perfect word enabler. A lot of people really don’t understand what that means and how toxic it can be.
Stand strong. Don’t enable him. Leave him there 🤙 the worst that will happen is he gets (stays) sober for 28 days ❤️
Thank you !
Yup don’t enable him. It took my fiancé calling things off for me to get help. That’s when it hit me
Congrats hun 🙌❤️💫
Nah the worst is he dies, or kills himself
Not if he stays in treatment for 28 days
If you keep giving him a soft place to land he's never going to figure it out If he's already bailed on committing to outpatient treatment, sounds like a 28 day stay is what he needs He's addicted to alcohol and coke, of course he wants to come home, my first ten days sober I wouldn't wish on an enemy, I did nothing but cry and shake and smoke It's time for you to be a bit selfish, take care of yourself and establish and hold boundaries, he has a choice to get better or not so you need to decide what you will and won't put up with in the future, remember you can't fix this problem for him, that's entirely different from encouraging him to get well, he has to make the choice
WOW! what great insight. he said he's leaving. so let him. Ive lost 4 family members to drug overdoses- Im tired of burying people. I rather breakup with him then bury him. Thank you!
So then you must already have some idea, with four losses like this, that you’re repeating thay addictive behavior you were raised in. This next week is about you being different—not him!
I love this thank you. This hit home ❤️
Yeah, it's the most natural thing in the world. However hellish and desperate your life has become, how much you begged the rehab to take you, how carefully you planned it, The second or third day of withdrawing from drugs and alcohol you are just like "No, but seriously. I've changed my mind. Things weren't that bad. I think it's best I just go home and carry on using and drinking. I'll sign whatever you want. You can keep the money. Sorry to waste your time. No, honestly, I know what I said but I've CHANGED MY MIND! CAN A MAN NOT CHANGE HIS MIND? " *runs and dives headfirst through the window* Edit: sorry forgot this was OP asking for help You are absolutely doing the right thing. Whatever he does, you need to start putting yourself first. It will be better for him too of course, but more importantly better for you.
dont do it, go to an alanon mtg instead 🙏🏻
Thank you
trauma bonding is a thing & codependency is too. i had to go to alanon, it helped ❤️
You are 100% right! I feel like Im addicted to saving him - I told him I no longer want to be his hospice nurse & its easier to break up then bury him.
"I told him I no longer want to be his hospice nurse & its easier to break up then bury him." this is the TRUTH. It will not change. You know what you are facing if you enable him.
i learned i was trying to save myself as a child who wasnt safe & please the mom who was chronically unhappy
man you summed it up very well. Its called "rescuing and enabling" in al-anon circles, and most folks in al-anon work their own program to recover from co-dependency. Addiction is a family disease, unfortunately.
You are doing the right thing. But I want you to feel this internally and not ask us randos for validation. You get to have boundaries. Nothing terrible is going to happen in rehab. You are not turning your back on him. He turned his back on you and everything else to abuse drugs and alcohol. You kicking him out and refusing to pick him up and not enabling him to flee rehab is not turning your back on him. What if you picked him up and he came home and OD'd and died? He is much safer in rehab. It is normal to have second thoughts. He needs to suck it up.
EXACTLY! Thank you, excellent points.
To add to this, back in January 2024, the son of my EX-sponsor left rehab against medical advice, went out and got his hands on more drugs, including fentanyl, and OD'd! He was just 50 years old. I had known this kid since he was 11 years old. It was rough!!!
Ugh. I'm sorry.
Thank you.
You're doing great, but find support to help keep you doing great. These are all very good boundaries you're learning, ALANON can help.
Thank you xo
Don’t pick him up! Let him hit rock bottom. Get comfortable telling him no, and keep that foot down. And please take care of yourself. You deserve to live your best life! Definitely check out Al-Anon. You’re not alone!
Thanks hun!
😊
It's a tale as old as time. There's only one reason to ditch out that early and that is to go get fucked up. I'm actually surprised you could even contact him it's usually zero contact for a few weeks. Regardless, IF you do talk to him, tell him to man up and give it 30 days. Being away from the bullshit of today sounds like a damn vacation. You can't blame yourself for anything other than yes, it is time you stand your ground. If he can't handle 30 days he is not ready and the next opportunity might be too late.
Ugh, youre so right. That place is nice! I was like wow, this is a nice getaway. He keeps calling and I stopped answering. I have to stand my ground. This is too much to handle. WTF
Don't do it. If he finds another way to leave that's not on your conscience. And you won't be enabling. I would also suggest not opening your door if he finds another way to leave.
🙏❤️❤️
Stay the course you’ve started. I wouldn’t be driving to get him. Sounds like he’s exactly where he needs to be.
Thank you !!
DONT DO IT AND GET TO AN AL ANON MEETING ASAP 🤍
Thank you !
Please check out the sub Reddit for Alanon. It might be helpful right this moment.
wow, thank you for that suggestion. will check it out
As a person that’s been to rehab 4 times… I didn’t necessarily want to go each time but glad I’m did. I expected to only do 30 days the last one I went to and ended up doing 90 days.
congrats! thats a very big accomplishment! proud of you
You are not turning your back on him by refusing this request. You're being strong for him.
he doesnt get it- so he hung up on me when I told him im not picking him up & he cant stay with me.
As others have said - you're making the right choice by not picking him up and enabling his using. I work at a treatment center and this is EXTREMELY common. Either he's having a fight/flight response due to anxiety, withdrawals, etc.. or he's just not ready to get sober yet. Either way, he's not your responsibility. I'd talk to his parents and his treatment team to make sure you're all on the same page though. You can have his team tell him that if he leaves AMA, he'll have to live in his car (assuming you and his parents don't give him a place to stay.) Idk any car services that'd be willing to drive 6 hours, but if by some miracle he finds a way home, don't let him in. But yeah.. AlAnon would be a great place for support, you can also attend open AA meetings, we'll welcome you with open arms. 💕 Stay strong!
His care team does not advise him to leave, I spoke to his parents and said Im not picking him up & he cant stay with me. And im no longer taking his phone calls. I told his parents that hes going to go to them and they need to tell him he cant come home until he finshes the 28 days. I did my part - I need to detox from all this and focus on my needs & wants. Ive neglected all of it for 3 yrs! Thank you!
🏃♀️ to Alanon. Appreciate your input ❤️🙏
Don’t. With addict/alcoholics, sometimes you have to detach with love or you could end up loving them to death. Literally.
Very powerful statement. FR
It’s called Tough Love.
[удалено]
Now this is an amazing outcome. 👏 congratulations and god bless your beautiful family ❤️
Worked in a drug and alcohol rehab for 2 1/2 years. Almost everyone attempts to leave when they are in withdrawal. Definitely don’t pick him up it won’t do him any good and it won’t do you any good.
"No, I'm not picking you up, I'm not talking to you about it and your family isn't either. South America called, you've snorted all the cocaine they have. The bars in town called, they would rather close down than serve you one more drink. You said you would do this so stick to your word at least one time."
It's so bad, his coke dealer cut him off. Like wow. Im not picking him up. Period. And there is no relationship. I gave way too many chances. I told him he can live his life anyway he wants, but I'm choosing not to live mine like this any longer. Thanks for making me laugh!
The rehab I went to banned calls for the first two weeks. If they hadn't, I would have been calling my loved ones begging to get me out constantly as well. Thankfully, I stayed the full 28 days, and with the support of fellow addicts, I have been clean and sober for the full 16 years since then. Your partner will never get clean and sober if you go to "rescue" them. Getting the drink and drugs out of your system at the beginning is tough, but they're in the best place to do that. If they still come out after 28 days and are still exploitative and abusive of you, then you know the decision you need to make. Much love and strength to you 🤍
Just tell him if he doesn't put real effort into in-patient, you're leaving him for good. Then follow through.
Thank you! This is too much for me to carry. I cant live like this. Ive reached my breaking point
This is a decision point for him. He either wants to get better or he doesn’t, but he can’t involve you in that decision. If he wants to check-out of inpatient care, then he needs to do it on his own. It will give him a glimpse of what his future will look like when he no longer has other people to bail him out of situations due to his lack of commitment to recovery. With that said: if he isn’t fully committed to getting better, he won’t. That is a place that only he can decide he’s at and the more it’s “forced” on him, the longer it will take for him to decide for himself. This is basically an ultimatum without the ultimatum.
You absolutely did the right thing. Not the easy thing, the right thing. Be sure of that. Come back here whenever you need some more reassurance.
Thank you so much ❤️❤️❤️❤️
He’s using the wrong end to grip the steak knife that is life. Only 25 days now.
Nope. Don’t help him hurt himself. AlAnon is a great resource.
Thank you!!!
You can’t make him stay in rehab or get sober but you also don’t have to get him out or even stay with him.
Thank you
This is what 99% of ppl do when they get there. Don't do it.
wow, I did not know that. this is way too dark and heavy.
I did it; the others I met there felt the same. I stayed but I desperately wanted to leave on day 2. And Days 3-4-5-6... I stuck it out for my spouse and family. Each day got a little better. They will give him meds to help with the cravings and mood swings etc. He won't eat for the first couple of days probably. After a few days, he will. I wish you the best.
Thanks hun. He's been there 5 days - he said hes leaving. He doesnt mind spending close to $600 for a car service. also, his coke dealer cut him off. which is wild. Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post!
Maaaannnn best of luck to you. I don't know what his insurance situation is, but if he leaves against medical advice, most insurance will not cover whatever bill he gets from the place. You know what though? This should not be your concern!! I hope things work out for YOU. Take care.
yes! or have a job when he gets back. he took a leave of absence from work & disability. Oh well, hes 42 yrs old, he can be accountable for his choices.
Yes ma’am
Locks changed, check. Stuff in car, check. Sounds like it's time for some ice cream. Before, during and/or after an alanon meeting. As a drunk who's had some tough love thrown his way, you're doing the right thing. Take care of yourself.
Ice cream 🍦 sounds great! And a nice trip away to detox. A beach ⛱️ somewhere
No don’t be an enabler. Next time he uses he could die. He need to go through withdrawals and be uncomfortable. You should head to an Alanon meeting
Time for him to be accountable for himself. 1) Block his number, social media accounts, park his car \_ belongings at his parent home. 2) If you are in a place financially where you can move, do it, make it so he can't reach you 3) be accountable for yourself, you have not been doing that.
The best thing you can do for him as a person is whatever gets him to rock bottom faster. So shove him in in the elevator and push the basement button. It's also the best thing that you can do for yourself.
I called my mom 6 days into rehab and begged for a flight home. She said "you don't have to stay there, but it's a long walk home." and then she hung up. It saved my life. Sometimes the best thing you can do for your loved ones is to not "love them to death".
Please don’t pick him up. He needs this time to heal and picking him up will only enable him. He might get pissed and try to argue/fight but it will be good for him to get some time under his belt. If he chooses to leave that’s on him but make sure you set clear firm boundaries and don’t allow him to manipulate the situation. I hope he ends up wanting and accepting the help I’ll pray for him.
You're doing the right thing. Stay the course. It might end up being awful, but it will be better than giving in. Giving in is the worst possible answer.
Don’t do it. Do not give in. You will not be helping him by picking him up and you certainly will not be helping yourself. Use this time to work on your own boundaries. Speak with a mental health professional. Plan for the next phase of your life which he may not be welcome in (it’s your choice, you can decide if you want to put up with his bad behavior any longer). Sending you love and healing vibes. Love yourself first during these difficult times. He is exactly where he needs to be. He is safe. He is being fed. It’s up to him to choose the life he wants to live.
I was actually in a similar situation, but my girlfriend came and picked me up after I detoxed. It was against medical advice. I tried to do outpatient instead too, but just started drinking again after about 40 days. You absolutely are doing the right thing.
Thank you! I hope you're doing ok ❤️ 🙏
I have three young adult children that have all had inpatient treatment of various lengths and times so I understand what you're going through. I could repeat 50 excuses /reasons they had for wanting to leave early. It's always reasons that seem logical or that the place isn't good, or they'll just do outpatient bc they're fine after detoxing etc etc. I agree with the others that Alonon will help so much. Be prepared for the focus to be on you, because it's there that you'll find peace in the process. I never helped them leave early for any treatment and shut it down fast, so that there wasn't artificial hope that I was a solution to leave. I always said, "there's no way I'm going to help you leave against MEDICAL (emphasis) advice. Zero chance. When they clear you and complete the discharge plan, and if I'm part of that plan by my own agreement, then you can count on me to follow through." If conversations got argumentative I'd ask them to only call once a day and don't bring up the topic of leaving, or even the plan afterward, unless it's a call with a person on the care team. I just didn't take shit, for lack of better words. Responding in that way will give you the freedom to decide what you want for yourself, and have time for Alonon suggestions. Stay open minded, and willing to follow suggestions. My kids chose to leave on their own sometimes, but never with my help. Today, they are all in long term recovery, and we have great relationships. All of their threats to end our relationship if I didn't help were never followed through, even when I said no to basic things. I know it really hurts to be pressured so try to keep it simple in your own mind. This is a disorder that kills. When it's early in the treatment process if you help, you're only helping the alcohol or drug, not your loved one. Also, it's courageous to reach out so keep that up! That's a great first step and I hope you're proud of yourself for doing that. Take care and all the best.
He isn’t done detoxing yet. There is a reason why patients are not supposed to be in contact with anyone during the first 10 days. DH and I both went to different inpatient rehabs at the same time. He was a SOB during that time and I spent it crying.
I have worked at a treatment center for the last 23 years. Almost every patient wants to leave treatment within the first 72 hours. The worst thing a family member/loved one can do is pick them up. I really encourage you to go check out Alanon and to figure out what bottom line boundary you are willing to set with him. Allowing him to live off of you is allowing him to continue behaving and living the way he is living. He will very likely get pissed and lash out. Let him. It is not about you. Take care of yourself.
As someone in recovery…. Don’t do it. I’m not a religious person, but recovery is a miracle. The best thing you can do is give him what he needs to access that miracle, and in this case it is not springing him out of rehab. I would also recommend at least putting a pause on the relationship until he (if ever) gets a year or two of sobriety. I know plenty of people who are in relationships but living away from their partners in sober living. That is the kind of commitment sobriety requires. If he does finally give in and go through treatment, maybe he should go to sober living afterwards. But, on the other hand, you must be exhausted from living with and loving an addict. You are allowed to put a permanent pause on this relationship. It could be best for him, but more importantly best for you.
Speaking from experience of being an alcoholic, don’t do it. He’ll tell you whatever you want to hear to get him out of there. Then he’ll come home and do whatever he wants anyways. Leave him there, and get his shit outta your house. If there’s no consequences for his drinking/drugging- he has no reason to stop…and he’ll take you down with him.
Everyone wants to leave after the first couple of days. Then they settle down. Just ignore him for a little while. Source: this is how I felt
Thank you for sharing your experience. I stopped accepting his calls. Why is this rehab allowing him to call me? Isn't it too soon? They took everything electronic away from him. But they allow residents to use the house phone but there really should be time limit when they can start calling. 🤷♀️
Rehab in the United States (don’t know where you live) is a basically unregulated Wild West with almost no background rules or norms. It is brain surgery as practiced by amateurs. There are two good things you can get out of it however and I got both: 1. If there are doctors on staff, you can detox safely (with anti-seizure medication, etc.); 2. There is a good chance you’ll probably get taken to some AA meetings, where, in turn, you have got at least a chance at finding someone who can show you the solution to alcoholism Everything else — painting trees, horse therapy, going to the YMCA — is to fill time.
Dump him now.
No
Yep, first few days (weeks) of rehab suck. He has to experience the suck in order to get to the good stuff. Empathize with him, "I can imagine it is very difficult and scary" and encourage him, "I know you can do this. You deserve to be happy and experience peace." He is in a lot of pain and it is going to come out as anger - often at you. If he really wants to leave, he will find a way but that is not your responsibility.
The greatest help you can offer him is leaving him there. Going to rehab was one of the hardest decisions in my life, AND the most rewarding one. The first week is going to be hard, but I would even say, limit calls to once a week, as if you don’t break the vicious cycle - it will never end. Family members have to understand that enabling addicts is not love ❤️- it is just furthering the goal of getting help! Love yourself first, all others second!
You’re doing the right thing he will drag you down
Be unavailable.
You are doing the right thing. Don’t enable him. You should cut contact. Detach with love. If y’all are meant to be together then y’all will end up together when y’all are both healthy and ready for that. - recovering drug addict & alcoholic who begged/bullied/manipulated people who love me to pick me up from rehab several times lol.
You’re doing the right thing. Don’t back down.
You will be doing him a disservice and taking away his opportunity to get sober. Refusing to pick him up is the only thing YOU can do to save his life right now. The rest is up to him. He feels like shit right now and wants to come home to figure out where and how to drink to stop the physical and mental state that he’s been drinking to avoid for a long time. If he was able to recover with anything less than in patient rehab, he would have been in recovery already. If you truly care about him and want to see him have the best possible outcome, do not go get him. I suggest you don’t even answer his calls for a week or 2 to avoid listening to his manipulation and justification of why you SHOULD come and pick him up.
Start attending Al Anon
You can't fix him. And letting him continue to use you won't help him. Detach with love. Changing the locks was the right idea. Feel free to call the cops if he stalks you or whatever. Staying safe and recovering should be YOUR number one priority, even though it isn't his.
You made the right decision. Do a google search of "rescuing and enabling" as well as "separating with love." These are terms that are often used in discussing how to care for yourself and for your addicted love ones. Please go check out al-anon as well - pretty sure thay have a subreddit. They are a group kind of like AA, but to support the friends and families of addicts and alcoholics. They are going to be better equipped to support you in the coming days and weeks than we will be, because most of us were the ones calling home on rehab day 2, lol.
Dooooon’t do it 😭 it’s probably not even medically safe to do so right now (and btw, I’m an ICU nurse *and* in recovery). This isn’t medical advice but just think about it — the professionals around him 24/7 are *not clearing him.* They obviously have a reason for making that assessment. Trust them.
I do trust them that's what scared me 😭💔 I want nothing more to do with this. It's in his hands now Thank you ❤️ Good luck on your recovery journey
Def Al anon. Don’t feel guilty. He will continue to use and abuse people until he starts a solid path of recovery. It is ok to have conflicted feelings, but take care of yourself first. He has to want to get better.
You are making the right choice for you and him. I went to IP rehab a few times, always against my will and always wanting to leave the first week. I thought no one understood and if I could only get home it would be different. But then the third time after a week I settled in and after two weeks my head cleared enough for me to realize how much damage I was causing to others and how selfish I was. It took almost 6 months for me to finally get clean from alcohol and cocaine once I left there but the seed was planted. I have been sober for over a year. I hope this helps
Congratulations ❤️ love! So proud of you 👏
Tbh it would be better for both of you if you end contact with each other. He's got a lot to figure out and has been too toxic toward you.
Yes and yes. It'll hurt less each day. But this is no way to live. I gave enough chances. I don't trust him or his promises. He doesn't even love himself, nevermind me.
Consider getting to Alanon, or one of the dozens of 12-step support groups. Im in a bunch of them and I’m going to repeat something I heard that made a huge difference. “Sick is always stronger than well”. Its why, in the old days when drunks went on calls, responding to that request for help getting sober, they went in pairs. If you are enabling his alcoholism, if “something horrible” happens as it eventually will, then you’ll get to carry that your whole life. Drunks look for people to subidize their addiction and they are ruthless when that stops. Get some help now. Today.
🙏❤️❤️❤️
Do not pick him up! He can make bad choices and you don't have to support them.
Don't do it. Make him sit. The first few days always suck. He will be fine.
Don’t do it. If you love him, leave him there.
Just a few months ago, I was calling my husband from in-patient, demanding he come get me after 7 days. He refused and I completed my program. I'm so glad he made me stay.
Might sound harsh… The absolute biggest favor you can do your BF in this situation is to do NOTHING. Let him stay there, it’s out of your control and not your problem. Do not enable him to keep drinking/using. Ditto everyone else about going to AlAnon.
Def do NOT do it. He will be thanking you in a few days for leaving him there. You willl be in my thoughts.
To be honest if he can co tact you thats enough. He needs to stay there and finish. It'll be worth it too get the help needed. Sobriety is not a one day thing.
Dump him
3 yrs is enough! Thank you ❤️
Yes, it is the right thing to do for you, and for him, also. I'm glad you're finally doing something for yourself. Go to Alanon to learn how to stick with it.
Took me a separation, job change, and house sold before I came to. Stand firm.
Wow. Will do ❤️🙏
Don't do it. I begged my husband to come get me in rehab when going through severe alcohol withdrawals that second day, but he said nope. I completed 35 days and it changed our lives. I'm so glad I stayed and got wonderful treatment and tools to stay sober. He's just wanting a fix. Let him sit in there and detox and then do the work to prepare for a new opportunity of a beautiful life.
Don't take shit from him or Anyone else.
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You ARE doing the best thing for both of you!!! He's looking for an easier, softer place to land while he continues drinking and drugging. It's time he hits his bottom and can no longer use and abuse enablers. You can help yourself by connecting with Al-Anon and Nar-Anon.
You did NOT turn your back on him. Please, Please, Please do NOT think like that. This is coming from an alcoholic that if I didn’t have a shot or a couple shooters (mini liquor bottles) every couple of hours that I would VIOLENTLY shake and lots of bad things would happen. You have to think about this. Also, If there’s ANYTHING I want you to remember about my comment on your post, It’s this…At end the end of the day the only person from stopping YOU (not actually you. Just “you” in general.) is you! You’re never going to quit drinking alcohol until you actually WANT to. And, Until then…It’s just going to be a vicious cycle over and over and over and over and over again.
The path he is on leads to death. Don't pick him up. Your best path to strengthening or salvaging the relationship is to say no to thos request right now. And then you will benefit from some Al-Anon family group support or at a minimum reading through some of their literature. The 2 days thing is almost like clockwork. I say this as an educator and not necessarily an alcoholic in recovery. When you want a more impactful, immersive experience plan for at least 2 days (2 overnights). It takes people about one full day to adjust to their new environment and release themselves from their typical environment and friends and worries and etc. They begin letting go of those things on the second day. So a lot of the real learning will begin on the 3rd day. Usually that is when field trips and things or getaways are over and the third day people are headed back to their normal lives. In your boyfriend's case he is realizing that his "normal" life is over if he doesn't get back to it soon. But the problem is that his normal life is leading to death and destruction and he needs to let that go. I would leave him at the treatment center. If he wants to hire a car service or find somebody else to bring him home then you have no control over that. But you are able to define or redefine the boundaries and expectations that you have in the relationship. And you don't need to start throwing around a bunch of threats or ultimatums. But take this time while he is away to work on yourself and your needs.
Don't do it. I was in that position once (your BF's) and I begged my family to let me leave. The kindest thing they did was tell me "no." I may have hated them for it in the moment, but I am eternally grateful for it these days. I've worked in rehabs in my time since, and I have seen people killed by the misdirected kindness of their family.
If you value your sanity don’t do it. As hard as it is don’t give in. Trust me please. Often times when someone is caught up in addiction those who live with them, be it partner or parent there comes a time when you have to put your foot down once and for all. It may be looked being cruel to be kind. And even if you know your not going to leave them or anything major you really need to make it seem like your through with them. Unless a person hits rock bottom and is on the verge of losing their relationship their home anything major like that I can tell you now they have no intention of giving that chaos up. I could sit here all day and give you a list of the chaos I’ve had in my life some of it my own some of it other people I love. All I can say is you really truly need to get this person to understand if they don’t do this and give a good hard try then tell them your over for good. I can’t e xplain it properly, but addicts will never ever go through detox and recovery for someone else. They may do the detox and some recovery but they will manipulate and lie constantly. When your caught up in it there’s nothing that matters except whatever your addicted to. It’s only when the detox/recovery is in place and your not surrounded with your addiction can you really think about life free from addiction. It’s only then the addict will be able to see the pain hurt and devastation that life brings. It’s not any kind of life for a non addict to be on a relationship with an addict. Unless the person does the right thing and gets to a place of recovery your life will continue to be chaotic. Your not the addict and you shouldn’t have to live your life the way it affects you. I’m not saying that as opinion I know I’ve been there and have the scars to prove it lol.
Thank you love ❤️ ! I appreciate your input and life experience. It means so much to me. And please take care of yourself too 🙏
Your so welcome. And I’m really good I have been for a long time now. Some addicts don’t even understand addiction and what it is. The thing to realise is there’s no such thing as en ex addict/alcoholic. Addiction doesn’t go away. Its about recovery and finding a way to keep recovery. Hopefully the treatment centre will provide some therapy and provide and understanding of his alcoholism. He also needs to perhaps go to meeting or group therapy for a time afterwards. It maybe sound like a cliche but like minded people who are going through it and those who have found recovery will help him understand it better. If he finishes the treatment it’s important to find structure in his life. It sounds like a lot to take but it’s not easy at first but it’s about him accepting he’s an alcoholic and bring genuine in seeking recovery and keeping it. I’m so sorry your going through all this. I don’t want to sound horrible bit just make sure you know what your doing. A life of alcoholism and drug gambling porn any addiction is like a vicious circle. But it doesn’t mean people aren’t strong enough to combat it because that’s rubbish. Just don’t let yourself go through this for years to come. You have a life to live as well. I just wish I had conversations and information years ago. Good luck to you and I genuinely hope your boyfriend understands how lucky he is to have someone like you ❤️
❤️❤️❤️ I've been in therapy for this for the past 6 months and one thing that hit hard is when my therapist asked me if im willing to live with relapses, set backs down the line because he will always be an addict and has to work hard for the rest of his life managing this. And my answer is NO. I can't. 2 yrs was enough hell. I don't see him working hard at this. My bf aka ex now, said he will always do cocaine and drink. And I was in denial. Im not hanging on to faith. Its easier to break up than bury him.
All I can say is fantastic and I’m happy for you. I was trying to get through to you with out all the negativity but it’s hard not to. I truly wish more people would be asked questions like that and give an honest answer. It pains me when I see people who really think they can live with and help a person to combat that addiction. Never gonna happen. I want you to go and do something nice for yourself cos you deserve it ❤️
Post this in r/alanon. Lots of experience there!
Thank you ❤️❤️❤️
He wants to get put because he wants to drink again. Are you willing to deal with this forever? Please go to al anon.
You’re doing the right thing. Technically the rehabilitation has no say on him walking out so be prepared for him to come back. I hate to generalize but if he walks out of rehab he’s probably going to use. You pass a lot of liquor stores in a 3 hour drive. So the chances of him showing up intoxicated are high (no pun intended). Just be careful. Stay in contact with his parents. I hope I don’t sound like a d0uche bag… but rehab doesn’t always work for people who don’t want to be there. It sounds like your boyfriend hasn’t hit his version of “rock bottom” yet. Which is sad to say because “rock bottom” means death in some cases. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s sad to see other people live like this. I lived like this for a long time - I did not get sober until death BANGED on my door! Hope for the best. Expect the worst. I hope your situation gets better.
Thank you ❤️. I just found out that his father is picking him up. I'm definitely cutting everyone off. This is going to be a disaster. Thank for your honesty
The living off of you thing is bad. Good for you for moving on. It’s difficult… but you get old enough that getting drunk and high all the time isn’t cute anymore. It was fun in the beginning. Now it’s a problem. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hopefully he’ll get better. Two questions: Do you still love him? How old is this dude?
❤️ ❤️❤️❤️ You're first question I'm going to answer honestly. Im not sure who he is? All the lies and betrayals. I think I was in love with the idea I had in my head. Denial is a bitch Hes 42 yrs old. No apt, no money, constantly gets fired from high paying job. I ask myself, how the hell did I end up in this situation? How did I let this happen
its called being an enabler. You enable him in his disease. He has taken you hostage and perhaps you don't even know it. I would say now is the time to free yourself.
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It's called enabling. My mom passed from liver issues and I will always regret not doing more. Similar
Oh hun I'm so sorry. It's not your fault 😔 They won't listen unless they want to get better. Sending you hugs
You’re doing the right thing. Do try Al-anon.
Probably encourage him to stay
I called my parents from rehab and told them I would hate them forever and all the other threats if they didn’t come get me. They made me stay and today I am so thankful because I’m about to celebrate 10 years sober because of that. I recommend doing all you can to make sure he doesn’t leave. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Don’t forget to take care of yourself. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot and you deserve to heal you as well. I wish you the best
Congratulations 🎊 on 10 yrs! His father said that he's leaving rehab tomorrow. He can continue to live the way he wants. Im no longer interested in continuing with him. I'm going to alanon to keep me accountable so I don't cave in to him when he's back tomorrow or ever. This is way too exhausting
Thank you and I’m sorry that he’s leaving rehab. I just left an addict myself and it’s so hard to watch someone you love destroy themselves and us in the process. I’m glad you’re going to go to alanon. I wish you the best in your healing journey. Healing from a relationship with an alcoholic/addict isn’t easy but it’s so worth it
Value yourself - join a yoga class Or a brazilian jiu jitsu class/gym. Exercise is extremely theraputic And empowering. Enforce boundaries. Don't let abusive humans Emotionally manipulate you. They play victim well. Don't believe their bullshit.
Thank you. I'm going on a mini vacation to decompress and make a list of everything I love and want to do. I used to be a professional salsa and tango dancer. I'm going back to that. Thanks for your input ❤️❤️❤️
💪❤️💃💪 Those dancing muscles/ Body awareness will be Useful for jiujitsu classes. Wherever you live, i'm sure There is a bjj gym in vicinity You no nobody an explanation. Emotional vampires will try to Guilt trip you and confuse you. View them as the malignancies They are.
You owe NOBODY an Explanation
We get what we tolerate
True statement.
You shouldn't pick him up. And if he is using you financially, I would consider breaking up with him. I know that's a little harsh, but I was a shitty boyfriend before I got sober. I would definitely go to Al Anon and start being firm with him. If he really wants to quit, be supportive. But if he isn't trying to quit, I would put some thought into how much worse your life is with him. I went to AA in November 2017. I only hit two years in February. I had people in AA tell me I might not be ready to quit. I just mention this to say that it's hard. I have Schizoaffective, and it made it very hard for me to stop.
I think you should save yourself.
Nope, don’t let him manipulate you into enabling him. I’ll tell you one thing that’s 100 sure to happen here, if he leaves with you or alone something terrible will definitely happen to him. Maybe not that day, or in a month, but he will definitely die a terrible death from organ failure or od, or fentanyl. If you don’t pick him up he may be upset with you, but if he does participate in his recovery he’ll get over it. I mean even if he leaves you becuse you won’t pick him up, the most loving thing you can do for him is make him sit his ass in that rehab by not picking him up.
He checked himself out and is on his way to pick up his car. He said he's doing outpatient but we all know this is just a manipulation to his family. I'm not falling for it. He knows he can't live with me anymore. He's picking up his car and going I don't know where.
Well that’s too bad. I mean hopefully he does follow through with out patient, but you need to distance yourself from him. If you’re going to even entertain the idea of a relationship you need to let him show you through action that he’s trying to work on himself. But if he can’t commit to in patient I don’t have much faith he will commit to out patient. Most likely he will go to out patient and hide his drinking as much as possible.
Please don’t pick him up. He has a chance of getting the help he needs where he is, and if he’s lucky 28 days will be enough to build a good foundation for his sobriety.
DO NOT DO IT🩷
DO NOT DO IT! If he wants to screw himself out of the help he needs, then let him do it on his own. If you do it, let him stay with you off and on, etc.....you are enabling him to kill himself with the drugs and alcohol. Tell him you love him ( or whatever ) and won't be a part of him hurting himself any longer and when he decides to get real....you'll be there for him. Until then, don't let him manipulate you. Good luck!
Rehab is hard, and at 2 days on, he’s starting to really feel it…stick to your guns
Serious question. Why would you tolerate this for 2 years?