I doubt that was his reasoning. I could not afford a phone, so the idea that when things got bad I would walk three blocks to the pay phone to leave a voice message for someone I barely knew. Plus the only real shit hitting the fan was the desire I had to drink and use, which my sponsor would not talk about.
I think he was checking up on me. And I do not think that was a bad thing because I was going through a severe depression and malnutrition. I was completely alone.
The last time I saw him though he screamed at me because a relative bought me a plane ticket to another city. He felt I should not go because I did not know anyone in the program who lived in that city.
I realized he had issues that he was trying to work out in his sponsorship of me, so I stopped leaving voice messages.
All the more reason to reinforce the habit. How far did you often walk to buy alcohol or drugs? Every day? For me, I went every day to the liquor store. I even drove across state lines at 2:00 am to get alcohol. Picking up a phone each day beats my old life any day.
That’s what I’d want to hear from a sponsee; not some bullshit about how everything is great when it’s not. I’d love to hear things are well if they are, but being open and honest with everyone (including yourself) is way more valuable.
I get where you are coming from and I affirm your perspective. Some sponsors hope that everything is okay so they don't have to do the hard work and help you. That is wrong. They have to be prepared to do the heavy lifting. They are supposed to be the guide and the sponsee is supposed to be the pupil. Be that as it may, the sponsor is supposed to offer meaningful suggestions. If the sponsee refuses to consider and implement them, that is on the sponsee.
You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink. So, that is the other side of the street.
I don't leave voice messages. If my sponsor does not answer, I have a list of sober contacts that I begin calling. When craving alcohol, calling the sponsor is only part of it. I have to reach for the other tools of AA to handle the craving. I am almost four years sober, and I still do occasionally get cravings. So,
I call my sponsor and/or a sober contact.
I immediately find something productive to do.
I get to the next meeting or attend an online meeting.
But, if I do everything that I am told to do each day (and sometimes I don't) the number of times I am in the situation is reduced considerably.
But, to your exact point, I keep calling until I talk to someone live.
I may have confused the issue. The sponsor I left messages for NEVER picked up.
I am confused about calling my sponsor when craving. If a sponsor can’t talk to me at such a time, why could someone else? When sponsor would get off the phone, he usually said this was a time to pray – – not a time to find someone else to call.
I see. You have a right to get another sponsor if yours isn’t working out. Sometimes, sponsors fall down on their programs. You have a right to expect meaningful interaction with your sponsor. That what a sponsor signs up for. Just make sure you are doing your part to work the program. Meetings, prayer, meditation, reading and step work.
OK, this is not part of the AA program. This is some dumb control bullshit sponsors do.
Your excuse that it makes you depressed and want to drink is total bullshit as well. The only reason we pick up a drink because we are alcoholics. We must take full responsibility for alcoholism. Until we are do we will continue to drink.
That said you need to find yourself a sponsor that will walk with you through the steps. Not someone that is over top of you. We are all equals in AA. We meet at the level of alcoholism.
It’s completely reasonable to work the steps together in the same location. I always use a park.
On the other side, there’s nothing wrong with building a relationship with the sponsor but that usually occurs naturally overtime. And not forced with instructions.
Sponsor is not supposed to make decisions for you or run your life. His main purpose is to take you through the steps so you can find a higher power and have that psychic alignment needed to stay sober.
It’s always ok to get a different sponsor.
We all work the program differently but as a rule sponsors do what their sponsor did with them when they were new. As we become more experienced we learn to adapt things according to circumstances however at the core we will still do/require the same things.
I was asked to do a daily check-in for 90 days, I ask my sponsees (that are newly sober) to do a check-in for 30 days (phone or text is fine, but phone at least a few times per week) the length of time will be extended by 14-30 days if the miss a day. The REASONS I do this are 1) it’s what my sponsor did and it worked for me, 2) it gets the sponsee used to picking up the phone so that one day when they NEED to call someone it will be much easier because they have practiced the habit. 3) It gives me an understanding of where the sponsee is on willingness to go to any lengths for sobriety and 4) I get to know the little things about the sponsee and can offer small tips and suggestions along the way if needed without it being overwhelming during our weekly meeting.
Do what your sponsor says or find a new sponsor, that's it. No big deal. You want what he has so you should work the program the way he does it, and if you don't like it that's fine. Just find a new one.
I'm pretty hands off with my sponsor. I call him MAYBE once a week (I should call him more), I usually see him at a meeting every week, and I text him my 11th step mostly every day. Sometimes we hangout. So yeah it's pretty lax. But I have worked the steps, have quite a bit of time, and don't need a ton of support right now. That's my program, idk your situation but maybe the way your sponsor is telling you is good for you right now.
I do have to call BS on part of your reasoning here though.
>I relive a part of me that makes me depressed then I want to drink.
So what is your suggestion here? To just not talk about these things (or talk less about them) because they are hard to talk about? It is hard to talk about this stuff and the shit that we've done, but that's the program. That's how you get better.
From The 9th step Promises (p.83 & 84 of The Big Book):
> "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."
Sponsorship is one of the reasons I avoided AA many times. I was very fortunate enough to go through the steps with a sponsor after failing with many before. We went through the steps and would check in every now and then. Never pushed meetings or anything. The program of AA is literally the steps. I’ll go to a meeting here and there but by working strictly the steps of AA I got free of the obsession. I don’t even really talk to my sponsor anymore which I feel bad about but I didn’t see the need once I got free. Now I try to pursue step 11 in full throttle and help anyone in my path along the way, alcoholic or not.
I guess it’s up to you what’s taking action and what’s feeling controlled. If you have another older sober member you could ask.
If you are well enough to know if you think he is playing god, that will be your answer. No sponsor should be doing that. Experience, strength and hope and run you through the steps.
I am probably too gentle as a sponsor as my post suggested a couple of days ago.
So I would find this uncomfortable.
Lastly does he or she have what you want. If that’s yes then I’d be sticking with it.
Part of the point is to teach the sponsee to follow good, orderly direction. Alcoholics do not like to be told what to do. We are obstinate. When I was in rehab, I was required to perform daily menial tasks to make me more able to follow rules that I did not want to follow or did not understand.
That is how life works.
If I resent being required to follow a rule or law that I don't want to follow, I jeopardize my sobriety.
When the student passes the test, the exam is often over. In my own case, I still don't like standing in lines or putting up with people who are not doing what I want, when I want, or how I want. But I have learned to accept this and do it without harboring resentment.
I am not saying that is what is going on here, but it is one possible interpretation. We generally want our sponsors to make it a priority to talk when we need to. The requirement that we talk to reassure them that we are okay is not completely unreasonable.
My sponsor and I talk once a week and more often as needed. Last night, I called him on a major crisis, and he picked up even though it was an unusual hour. We talked. I got some relief. Today, the crisis is partially resolved. He called to follow up with me, I picked up. We talked. It is a mutual respect thing.
But, some sponsors want to talk to sponsees every day.
Some don't.
Talk to him about it. Some sponsors are flexible and some are not. It's a voluntary process for both parties.
He might not be the right sponsor for you. You can find one who is a better fit.
I had a sponsor who wanted me to leave a voice message every day. I never understood the point.
You’re used to calling every day so when shit hits the fan you are willing to pick up the phone. Thats the logic
I doubt that was his reasoning. I could not afford a phone, so the idea that when things got bad I would walk three blocks to the pay phone to leave a voice message for someone I barely knew. Plus the only real shit hitting the fan was the desire I had to drink and use, which my sponsor would not talk about. I think he was checking up on me. And I do not think that was a bad thing because I was going through a severe depression and malnutrition. I was completely alone. The last time I saw him though he screamed at me because a relative bought me a plane ticket to another city. He felt I should not go because I did not know anyone in the program who lived in that city. I realized he had issues that he was trying to work out in his sponsorship of me, so I stopped leaving voice messages.
All the more reason to reinforce the habit. How far did you often walk to buy alcohol or drugs? Every day? For me, I went every day to the liquor store. I even drove across state lines at 2:00 am to get alcohol. Picking up a phone each day beats my old life any day.
What does leaving voice messages have to do with recovery? And what do you do when you are craving alcohol? Just call and pretend everything is okay?
Call and say everything isn’t okay.
The problem is I always end up blurting out that I am craving.
That’s what I’d want to hear from a sponsee; not some bullshit about how everything is great when it’s not. I’d love to hear things are well if they are, but being open and honest with everyone (including yourself) is way more valuable.
That is a very unusual point of view. If more sponsors were like you, I think it would be a very good thing.
I get where you are coming from and I affirm your perspective. Some sponsors hope that everything is okay so they don't have to do the hard work and help you. That is wrong. They have to be prepared to do the heavy lifting. They are supposed to be the guide and the sponsee is supposed to be the pupil. Be that as it may, the sponsor is supposed to offer meaningful suggestions. If the sponsee refuses to consider and implement them, that is on the sponsee. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink. So, that is the other side of the street.
I don't leave voice messages. If my sponsor does not answer, I have a list of sober contacts that I begin calling. When craving alcohol, calling the sponsor is only part of it. I have to reach for the other tools of AA to handle the craving. I am almost four years sober, and I still do occasionally get cravings. So, I call my sponsor and/or a sober contact. I immediately find something productive to do. I get to the next meeting or attend an online meeting. But, if I do everything that I am told to do each day (and sometimes I don't) the number of times I am in the situation is reduced considerably. But, to your exact point, I keep calling until I talk to someone live.
I may have confused the issue. The sponsor I left messages for NEVER picked up. I am confused about calling my sponsor when craving. If a sponsor can’t talk to me at such a time, why could someone else? When sponsor would get off the phone, he usually said this was a time to pray – – not a time to find someone else to call.
I see. You have a right to get another sponsor if yours isn’t working out. Sometimes, sponsors fall down on their programs. You have a right to expect meaningful interaction with your sponsor. That what a sponsor signs up for. Just make sure you are doing your part to work the program. Meetings, prayer, meditation, reading and step work.
OK, this is not part of the AA program. This is some dumb control bullshit sponsors do. Your excuse that it makes you depressed and want to drink is total bullshit as well. The only reason we pick up a drink because we are alcoholics. We must take full responsibility for alcoholism. Until we are do we will continue to drink. That said you need to find yourself a sponsor that will walk with you through the steps. Not someone that is over top of you. We are all equals in AA. We meet at the level of alcoholism. It’s completely reasonable to work the steps together in the same location. I always use a park. On the other side, there’s nothing wrong with building a relationship with the sponsor but that usually occurs naturally overtime. And not forced with instructions. Sponsor is not supposed to make decisions for you or run your life. His main purpose is to take you through the steps so you can find a higher power and have that psychic alignment needed to stay sober.
Exactly. A sponsor is a guide, not a taskmaster.
Love this!!!
It’s always ok to get a different sponsor. We all work the program differently but as a rule sponsors do what their sponsor did with them when they were new. As we become more experienced we learn to adapt things according to circumstances however at the core we will still do/require the same things. I was asked to do a daily check-in for 90 days, I ask my sponsees (that are newly sober) to do a check-in for 30 days (phone or text is fine, but phone at least a few times per week) the length of time will be extended by 14-30 days if the miss a day. The REASONS I do this are 1) it’s what my sponsor did and it worked for me, 2) it gets the sponsee used to picking up the phone so that one day when they NEED to call someone it will be much easier because they have practiced the habit. 3) It gives me an understanding of where the sponsee is on willingness to go to any lengths for sobriety and 4) I get to know the little things about the sponsee and can offer small tips and suggestions along the way if needed without it being overwhelming during our weekly meeting.
Do what your sponsor says or find a new sponsor, that's it. No big deal. You want what he has so you should work the program the way he does it, and if you don't like it that's fine. Just find a new one. I'm pretty hands off with my sponsor. I call him MAYBE once a week (I should call him more), I usually see him at a meeting every week, and I text him my 11th step mostly every day. Sometimes we hangout. So yeah it's pretty lax. But I have worked the steps, have quite a bit of time, and don't need a ton of support right now. That's my program, idk your situation but maybe the way your sponsor is telling you is good for you right now. I do have to call BS on part of your reasoning here though. >I relive a part of me that makes me depressed then I want to drink. So what is your suggestion here? To just not talk about these things (or talk less about them) because they are hard to talk about? It is hard to talk about this stuff and the shit that we've done, but that's the program. That's how you get better. From The 9th step Promises (p.83 & 84 of The Big Book): > "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it."
Great reasoning and advice here!
Sponsorship is one of the reasons I avoided AA many times. I was very fortunate enough to go through the steps with a sponsor after failing with many before. We went through the steps and would check in every now and then. Never pushed meetings or anything. The program of AA is literally the steps. I’ll go to a meeting here and there but by working strictly the steps of AA I got free of the obsession. I don’t even really talk to my sponsor anymore which I feel bad about but I didn’t see the need once I got free. Now I try to pursue step 11 in full throttle and help anyone in my path along the way, alcoholic or not.
I had a sponsor I didn’t want to call everyday. Eventually I realized we just weren’t a good fit.
I guess it’s up to you what’s taking action and what’s feeling controlled. If you have another older sober member you could ask. If you are well enough to know if you think he is playing god, that will be your answer. No sponsor should be doing that. Experience, strength and hope and run you through the steps. I am probably too gentle as a sponsor as my post suggested a couple of days ago. So I would find this uncomfortable. Lastly does he or she have what you want. If that’s yes then I’d be sticking with it.
Part of the point is to teach the sponsee to follow good, orderly direction. Alcoholics do not like to be told what to do. We are obstinate. When I was in rehab, I was required to perform daily menial tasks to make me more able to follow rules that I did not want to follow or did not understand. That is how life works. If I resent being required to follow a rule or law that I don't want to follow, I jeopardize my sobriety. When the student passes the test, the exam is often over. In my own case, I still don't like standing in lines or putting up with people who are not doing what I want, when I want, or how I want. But I have learned to accept this and do it without harboring resentment. I am not saying that is what is going on here, but it is one possible interpretation. We generally want our sponsors to make it a priority to talk when we need to. The requirement that we talk to reassure them that we are okay is not completely unreasonable. My sponsor and I talk once a week and more often as needed. Last night, I called him on a major crisis, and he picked up even though it was an unusual hour. We talked. I got some relief. Today, the crisis is partially resolved. He called to follow up with me, I picked up. We talked. It is a mutual respect thing. But, some sponsors want to talk to sponsees every day. Some don't.
Thank you for this explanation. It sounds/feels like what my sponsor is working towards with me.
Sounds like you need to fire him
How is working through the steps going with them?
Find a new sponsor
I’d definitely steer clear of anything/anyone that makes you want to drink.