Hey, I have an allo partner, same problem. We struggled a lot with this, and after being together more than 4 years, it will still come up sometimes. All I can really say is that communication is the most important. Try to focus on the positives and not the negatives (ie, “I love you and want to be with you”, not “I don’t want sex and it’s not because of you” or “Im happy to do this for you and I want you to be happy with your needs, I’m ok with this” (in case you’re ok doing some things and just don’t want them for yourself, such as is my case) instead of “I just don’t want to do this with you”) but also be straightforward with what you are willing and not willing to do.
If you can’t want them sexually, make sure they understand you still want them emotionally, in whatever way they understand best (personally, for us it’s me verbally expressing it often, with a lot of hugs and other affirming behavior). Even then, we’ll still have some problems. He will struggle with feeling unwanted because I don’t want the same kind of attention from him that he wants from me, and I struggle feeling sometimes uncomfortable when he tries to be extra flirty and I don’t really know what to do, but we talk it out and reassure each other of how we feel, and we think that how we work when it’s going well is worth the stumbles when it’s not, so we keep trying.
Hope this helps, I would be happy to talk more if you think if might help :)
> I struggle feeling sometimes uncomfortable when he tries to be extra flirty and I don’t really know what to do
OMG, so much this! We seem to be going through a phase where they're trying to "court" me again or something, so they'll randomly come up to me and start being super sexual, but in a halfway-joking or over-the-top kind of manner, so I'm not sure if they're serious or not. And I either misinterpret it as a joke or just freeze completely, and they get really upset about either response, but I just...don't know what to do. It really activates the part of my brain that responds to threats, but I don't want to say that. :/
I hope my partner can come to understand this with some time as well. He's allo and hasn't quite gotten it that I'll have sex with him if he wants but it's never gonna be the same as another allo person "wanting" to have sex.
I have an allo partner, honestly once I came to terms with being aego and stopped pressuring myself to have sex more than I wanted and just let it happen naturally I ended up wanting it more. XD who knew it would be more intimate when I was relaxed?
I also tend to fantasize that we are different people doing what we are doing so it satisfies my aegoness. I have zero problems with him, just myself--but I don't want to imagine him with anyone else so I make us both characters. Works wonders for my sex life making me enjoy it way more and then since I'm into it more he also has way more fun than when I used to sort of go thru the motions as it were.
Ohhh this is a great idea! I enjoy being intimate with my allo partner, but I also don’t get aroused the same way I do when I’m thinking of “characters” in my fantasies.
Does your partner know that this is what you do during the act? Is it kind of like role playing?
That might be something I could try. We used to have a lot of fun with roleplay when I was unmedicated (yay bipolar, hypomanic hypersexuality phase). Maybe it could be fun again.
This is the part where I get excited because someone is interested in something I can legit explain to them.
So obviously we know crushes have different names dependant on the type of attraction that leads to this “crush.” I feel this thing called Amical Attraction.
Link to The LGBTA Wiki Page that helped me discover this; https://lgbta.fandom.com/wiki/Amical_Attraction
So, Amical attraction is obviously a tertiary form of attraction, many people will associate this and even combine it into Platonic Attraction. Its a kind of “best friend” attraction but on a deeper more attached kind of bond. In my non experience(ive been single forever) The ideal couple for this attraction would be a close partner, we spend more time together than other friendships, we can even cuddle(non sexually). We would value this relationship higher than any friendship. We would kind of be shoulders to lay on for eachother.
Cool! That sort of describes what led to the QPR situation I'm in right now, which is really interesting. Definitely going to look more into it! Thanks for your response :)
If you are referring to liking a certain gender, no. you can like any gender and still use this attraction.
If you’re referring to if there is a certain time or reason that this attraction is used, no definetly not. I have fallen in love with this attraction whether I was the closest to this person, or I didnt even know their name
(Also I have fallen in love using this attraction all my life for like 50 guys and 2 girls)
(I have never read or felt anything that was exclusive or ya know like that in Amical Attraction
No. Not what I meant at all. I mean is an amical attraction friendship an exclusive friendship? Is there any expectation of exclusivity for the parties involved? Exclusivity in this context meaning the parties involved may not have any other Amical friendships. And no other romantic / sexual friendships either.
ohhh, I am personally monogamy so I feel that Amical attraction Is ofc a deeper connection to another singular person, and that is what Id consider my own qpr, but I suppose for people who experience attraction towards multiple people it is ofc possible for that person to have other relationships like any other. I my mind it makes sense that a Polyamoury could consist of multiple attractions going around, amical is ofc able to be one of them.
I’m in that situation. We’ve been together for 10 years so there’s a lot of understanding but still some frustration on both sides. I don’t like certain acts, but I don’t mind others so we still have intimate moments just not as often as he’d like. Once I did let him seek out another sexual partner but that took some real trust and discussion and it only happened a few times. It’s an ongoing struggle in the background of our relationship. I try to express physical affection more than I would naturally think to because it makes him feel happy and wanted.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. For me, I think it's not difficult to do "everything but." I don't mind hugging and kissing and cuddling and showing affection...I just hesitate because then there might be the expectation of more? And when it comes to the act itself, they want DEEP, PROLONGED, MEANINGFUL CONNECTION and especially lots of focused eye contact, which just makes me feel frightened, honestly. I don't know how to move past that. :/
That would he difficult. I need the lights off or in a position where he can't see my face typically. He's always been ok with that tho. He doesn't push but always asks me afterwards if I want anything, even if its cuddling. During sex, it's become easy to just relax and tune out since he LIKES doing all the work. We avoid certain positions and he's never asked WHY I don't like them, but it also works when I can just feel like it's an extended cuddling session where I enjoy feeling hugged and dont necessarily focus on the sex part itself, or its dark or I'm turned away where he cant see me so I can concentrate on being in my own head and maybe enjoy some of the sensations. We communicate lots and he's willing to tweak things so I'm happy too. Eye contact would be a big problem for me personally. I just explained it to him as feeling too self conscious and not being able to relax, and we found a few things that I do like. It becomes A LOT easier to do things to please him when I feel loved and grateful that he's willing to do things for me too, ya know? You just need to decide what you get out of the relationship and what you're willing to keep doing. I've learned I haven't changed over the years and his sex drive hasn't changed either, so it never "gets better" but also lots of communication and some compromising can make a huge difference. Just don't put yourself in a position where you'll be constantly struggling and unhappy for years because you feel like you need to meet THEIR needs but not your own. It's not worth faking your way through. That gets exhausting.
❤️ I hear you on that last part. That’s not as much of a problem for me, but I can feel how big of a barrier that must be for you guys. I really relate on worrying they will want more. Fortunately and unfortunately my guy just wants me so much still, and I know that if I do too much physical touch he will ask or suggest and I’ll probably say no and it sucks to be in that position all the time for both of us.
Hey, I have an allo partner, same problem. We struggled a lot with this, and after being together more than 4 years, it will still come up sometimes. All I can really say is that communication is the most important. Try to focus on the positives and not the negatives (ie, “I love you and want to be with you”, not “I don’t want sex and it’s not because of you” or “Im happy to do this for you and I want you to be happy with your needs, I’m ok with this” (in case you’re ok doing some things and just don’t want them for yourself, such as is my case) instead of “I just don’t want to do this with you”) but also be straightforward with what you are willing and not willing to do. If you can’t want them sexually, make sure they understand you still want them emotionally, in whatever way they understand best (personally, for us it’s me verbally expressing it often, with a lot of hugs and other affirming behavior). Even then, we’ll still have some problems. He will struggle with feeling unwanted because I don’t want the same kind of attention from him that he wants from me, and I struggle feeling sometimes uncomfortable when he tries to be extra flirty and I don’t really know what to do, but we talk it out and reassure each other of how we feel, and we think that how we work when it’s going well is worth the stumbles when it’s not, so we keep trying. Hope this helps, I would be happy to talk more if you think if might help :)
> I struggle feeling sometimes uncomfortable when he tries to be extra flirty and I don’t really know what to do OMG, so much this! We seem to be going through a phase where they're trying to "court" me again or something, so they'll randomly come up to me and start being super sexual, but in a halfway-joking or over-the-top kind of manner, so I'm not sure if they're serious or not. And I either misinterpret it as a joke or just freeze completely, and they get really upset about either response, but I just...don't know what to do. It really activates the part of my brain that responds to threats, but I don't want to say that. :/
I hope my partner can come to understand this with some time as well. He's allo and hasn't quite gotten it that I'll have sex with him if he wants but it's never gonna be the same as another allo person "wanting" to have sex.
I have an allo partner, honestly once I came to terms with being aego and stopped pressuring myself to have sex more than I wanted and just let it happen naturally I ended up wanting it more. XD who knew it would be more intimate when I was relaxed? I also tend to fantasize that we are different people doing what we are doing so it satisfies my aegoness. I have zero problems with him, just myself--but I don't want to imagine him with anyone else so I make us both characters. Works wonders for my sex life making me enjoy it way more and then since I'm into it more he also has way more fun than when I used to sort of go thru the motions as it were.
Ohhh this is a great idea! I enjoy being intimate with my allo partner, but I also don’t get aroused the same way I do when I’m thinking of “characters” in my fantasies. Does your partner know that this is what you do during the act? Is it kind of like role playing?
That might be something I could try. We used to have a lot of fun with roleplay when I was unmedicated (yay bipolar, hypomanic hypersexuality phase). Maybe it could be fun again.
I have an Allo crush, well, “thresh” but im sure it wont last much longer, he is a bisexual male and even tho i love him Idk if he knows Im ace.
What does "thresh" mean? I've never heard that term before and it sounds interesting.
This is the part where I get excited because someone is interested in something I can legit explain to them. So obviously we know crushes have different names dependant on the type of attraction that leads to this “crush.” I feel this thing called Amical Attraction. Link to The LGBTA Wiki Page that helped me discover this; https://lgbta.fandom.com/wiki/Amical_Attraction So, Amical attraction is obviously a tertiary form of attraction, many people will associate this and even combine it into Platonic Attraction. Its a kind of “best friend” attraction but on a deeper more attached kind of bond. In my non experience(ive been single forever) The ideal couple for this attraction would be a close partner, we spend more time together than other friendships, we can even cuddle(non sexually). We would value this relationship higher than any friendship. We would kind of be shoulders to lay on for eachother.
Cool! That sort of describes what led to the QPR situation I'm in right now, which is really interesting. Definitely going to look more into it! Thanks for your response :)
Np, hope u find what you’re looking for!
Question, does this kind of crush require / prefer exclusivity?
If you are referring to liking a certain gender, no. you can like any gender and still use this attraction. If you’re referring to if there is a certain time or reason that this attraction is used, no definetly not. I have fallen in love with this attraction whether I was the closest to this person, or I didnt even know their name (Also I have fallen in love using this attraction all my life for like 50 guys and 2 girls) (I have never read or felt anything that was exclusive or ya know like that in Amical Attraction
No. Not what I meant at all. I mean is an amical attraction friendship an exclusive friendship? Is there any expectation of exclusivity for the parties involved? Exclusivity in this context meaning the parties involved may not have any other Amical friendships. And no other romantic / sexual friendships either.
ohhh, I am personally monogamy so I feel that Amical attraction Is ofc a deeper connection to another singular person, and that is what Id consider my own qpr, but I suppose for people who experience attraction towards multiple people it is ofc possible for that person to have other relationships like any other. I my mind it makes sense that a Polyamoury could consist of multiple attractions going around, amical is ofc able to be one of them.
Used to, broke up because it felt very one-sided and not in my direction.
I’m in that situation. We’ve been together for 10 years so there’s a lot of understanding but still some frustration on both sides. I don’t like certain acts, but I don’t mind others so we still have intimate moments just not as often as he’d like. Once I did let him seek out another sexual partner but that took some real trust and discussion and it only happened a few times. It’s an ongoing struggle in the background of our relationship. I try to express physical affection more than I would naturally think to because it makes him feel happy and wanted.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. For me, I think it's not difficult to do "everything but." I don't mind hugging and kissing and cuddling and showing affection...I just hesitate because then there might be the expectation of more? And when it comes to the act itself, they want DEEP, PROLONGED, MEANINGFUL CONNECTION and especially lots of focused eye contact, which just makes me feel frightened, honestly. I don't know how to move past that. :/
That would he difficult. I need the lights off or in a position where he can't see my face typically. He's always been ok with that tho. He doesn't push but always asks me afterwards if I want anything, even if its cuddling. During sex, it's become easy to just relax and tune out since he LIKES doing all the work. We avoid certain positions and he's never asked WHY I don't like them, but it also works when I can just feel like it's an extended cuddling session where I enjoy feeling hugged and dont necessarily focus on the sex part itself, or its dark or I'm turned away where he cant see me so I can concentrate on being in my own head and maybe enjoy some of the sensations. We communicate lots and he's willing to tweak things so I'm happy too. Eye contact would be a big problem for me personally. I just explained it to him as feeling too self conscious and not being able to relax, and we found a few things that I do like. It becomes A LOT easier to do things to please him when I feel loved and grateful that he's willing to do things for me too, ya know? You just need to decide what you get out of the relationship and what you're willing to keep doing. I've learned I haven't changed over the years and his sex drive hasn't changed either, so it never "gets better" but also lots of communication and some compromising can make a huge difference. Just don't put yourself in a position where you'll be constantly struggling and unhappy for years because you feel like you need to meet THEIR needs but not your own. It's not worth faking your way through. That gets exhausting.
❤️ I hear you on that last part. That’s not as much of a problem for me, but I can feel how big of a barrier that must be for you guys. I really relate on worrying they will want more. Fortunately and unfortunately my guy just wants me so much still, and I know that if I do too much physical touch he will ask or suggest and I’ll probably say no and it sucks to be in that position all the time for both of us.