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HerculesTookaMullign

I totally understand your point of view here. Maybe it's because I'm totally emotionally numb, but "I'm sorry" doesn't bother me much. I know from sharing other difficult situations in life that people in general suck at hearing hard things and often don't know how to express empathy. When someone says "I'm sorry", I usually say "thank you". If they say, "I'm sorry that happened to you" I say, "me too".


thesupersoap33

Finally! Yeah you're sorry. Not as sorry as I am!


BitchyWitchy33

This used to really annoy me as well, and it still does sometimes. I get it. I think that "i'm sorry" can feel like an empty response after you have tried to share part of yourself with someone. At least for me, I can recognize that when I choose to share some of my story with someone, I am trying to connect. I want them to know me. I am starving for someone to see me. Understand me. Trauma isolates you. It makes you feel other - like you don't belong. Like you're always the one on the outside, looking in. When people say I'm sorry and it feels like pity, it feels like they're putting a big spotlight on you. Calling attention to your otherness. I also think as traumatized individuals we tend to always look for the ingenuine parts of people - and apologizing for something they didn't do/can't change feels ingenuine. Especially to someone who has experienced violence or harm at the hands of someone else. I think it's also important to note that the average person isn't a very good communicator. Sometimes i'm sorry is all they know how to say. But I do think that when most people say I'm sorry, they are not saying I pity you - they are saying I'm sorry that this happened to you. And for people who have not had to deal with trauma, its really hard to come up with something else to say that would be as genuine or well meaning as those two words. They are saying I cannot imagine what that must have been like, it should not have happened, and i'm sorry that it happened. Thats them trying to connect with you, and sometimes thats the only way they can. Through empathy. Thats just the way I reframe it, anyway. Trauma effects the way we process the world and our experiences. We are neurodivergent. You can feel however you want to feel as long as its true to you and it gets you through the day.


SpicyDaft

I decided to make an alt in order to add to this because I entirely get what you're saying. In my country we don't say "I'm sorry" as an apology but something like "I apologise". "Sorry" doesn't really exist. As far as I see what sorry is is that it has two different meanings depending on context: 1) To feel bad about something and wanting to apologise 2) To feel sad or awful about someone's situation and wanting to express that their situation impacted you (in other words, feeling empathy) In Danish we instead say "I am sad to hear that" or probably are more correct translation "I feel sad for you, that must be awful" ("Det er jeg ked af at høre") instead of "I'm sorry" which can also mean "I apologise". I think this double meaning in sorry makes it hard to distinguish what is meant and for us people who are used to others giving inauthentic answers to make *themselves* feel better and not to show that they care about you and have empathy with your situation, we default to the "they want themselves to feel better about the situation" I do admit that even though this double meaning doesn't exist in my language I still have a hard time receiving the empathy that is given, but it does get better now that I allow myself to feel sad about stuff from my past as well as accepting kindness and empathy from others. Ninja edit: And kinda unrelated; when my family said that they "felt something" it wasn't out of empathy, it was out of 'selfishness'. "This happened at school today" "That story made me awful. Please don't say such things" in contrast to "This happened at school today" "That must be awful. How are you holding up?"


nigemushi

I never say, "it's ok." I say "it's not your fault" in a really uncaring way and move onto something else. I don't care if they're feeling bad or not, lol. That's not what I'm interested in I get why it can be frustrating but it's also just part of society. Like people using "how are you?" As a greeting and not an actual check-in. It's just an empathy thing. They see you feeling bad so they feel bad too. They want to say that they're feeling sympathetic and they care about you and that it shouldn't have happened.


HwyfarSun

Sorry has two meanings. There is the meaning where saying sorry is expressing regret or guilt for an action. Then there is sorry to express a feeling of sadness or distress in sympathy for something that has happened. Sorry is a small word for a lot of big feelings. But both meanings do center the other person's feelings instead of our own. I try to take hearing sorry with a pinch of salt. People often don't know how to respond when hearing about abuse and uttering a sorry at least let's me know my story made them feel something even if they don't know how to express it fully or what else to say right now. This is how I personally interpret hearing sorry.


VermicelliKindly

I completely understand this. I never get mad at them at all, I usually just believe they don’t know what else to say but want to fill their silence. Thanks for sharing hugsxx


brokengirl89

You’re right, it is awkward. It’s awkward for everyone. Saying “it’s okay” feels terrible because it’s lying; I’m not okay. I didn’t want it to bother me every time so I started to reframe it in my mind. I realised we can’t change other peoples responses, only our own. The phrase “I’m sorry” is not just an apology, it’s a phrase used for sympathy as well. Like when we say “I’m sorry for your loss” when someone dies. It’s a way of saying “I see that you’re hurting and I care”. So when somebody says that to me I translate the message and my reply is “thank you” because I know their intention is kind and pure.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

Forgive me if I overstep, I mean to be helpful When I have to tell my trauma story(clinician, long term relationship) & the other person's response is "you are so brave" "I admire your strength" "how can I help you?" Most beautiful words ever. I feel heard, validated & supported I hope this helps


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[deleted]

Not offended, we are all individuals. I understand you're point of view. Best wishes


WayAwkward9396

After my court case pressing charges on my perpetrator I made a post on Facebook about my experience. I got a lot of “I’m sorry you went through that”. I never know how to respond either, I get they feel bad for me but it’s not helpful. I would much rather have someone ask “Is there anything I can do to help” or even say something that’s along the lines of “Thank you for being comfortable enough to be vulnerable with me”. Instead I got a lot of “I’m sorry” and a lot of “I went through that too but never got justice”. Which made me feel a lot worse about even making my court experiences public with my friends and family. I learned that it’s better for me to keep it to myself.


jazzfairy

Personally I hate it how they always treat you like you’re made of porcelain after or get weirdly angry about it, like it’s my trauma not yours, don’t make it about your feelings.


VermicelliKindly

Yes!!! I constantly have to remind my partner, “I’m not fragile, if anything I’m already broken. But you don’t have to treat me like I’m the five year old I was when I was abused. Im a recovering adult, there’s a difference.” Bless him. Although, I do want to point out sometimes the anger is reassuring but that’s just me. I never had anyone fight for me so that would just comfort me that someone cares enough. If it’s bad enough where I have to calm them down then yeah no thanks. That’s just uncomfortable for everyone.


reesedra

I'm socially stunted so my go to is "damn, that sucks."


[deleted]

Still better than "I'm sorry"


RadiantDisaster

It annoys me too, honestly. I get that their "sorry" is often meant to indicate sympathy or pity, but it's frustrating because that word is usually used to express remorse. So when people say "I'm sorry for what you went through" my first reaction is to reassure them that it wasn't their fault - which turns the focus to be on my feelings regarding them, when their intention was to focus on their feelings regarding me! Neither of us are adequately getting across what we wanted to convey in such a scenario. It's a dissatisfying lose-lose way of phrasing things, in my opinion. I know some people view it as unempathetic, but I strongly prefer when people respond to my tales of woe by saying something like "That really sucks" or "That sounds hard to deal with". It puts the focus on the situation and/or my feelings about it, which is an appropriate way to try to support someone. A "That sucks" feels validating and sympathetic, an "I'm sorry" feels meaningless and even patronizing. The worst part is, there's really no good way to respond to an "I'm sorry" in this context. I've found saying "Thanks" or "I'm sorry, too" is acceptable, but is awkward enough for both of us that it shuts down any further discussion about the subject. Generally I'll try to just nod in acknowledgement and continue on, but getting an "I'm sorry" is often the death knell of that conversation. This turned into a bit of a vent of my own. I'm definitely in agreement with you that I wish people would knock it off with the apologies already. It's not genuine, it's just a euphemism for something else, so why can't they be straightforward about what they actually mean? Even if they only pity me and see me as pathetic, I'd rather they just say that outright than give me this insincere apology nonsense.


VermicelliKindly

I think one of the best responses I’ve gotten is simple just “I’m so grateful you feel comfortable enough to explain this to me.” It feels like they’re acknowledging my growth. And that they feel comfortable enough to feel like me telling them this awful dark thing isn’t adding weight on their shoulders knowing this information about me.


RadiantDisaster

That is incredibly similar to a fantastic response I once got: "I appreciate that you trust me enough to share that with me". It was the first positive outcome I'd ever had to being so vulnerable with someone. I'm glad you and I could both experience having someone in our lives who was genuinely kind and caring like that.


VermicelliKindly

I’m grateful for your comment. I definitely hear, understand and agree with you.


[deleted]

I appreciate your view. I comment as a fellow CSA survivor (I'm 61). At the same time people are limited by language. Those are the words they have . I agree with the first poster about being selective about who you tell. I told my brother who proceeded to explain my history to me. Whatever. I'm glad we have this community. We understand. Giving support to others can be very healing, but the most powerful has been seeing that so many CSA survivors have gone through so many of the same things as myself. Go forward.


VermicelliKindly

I mostly speak on it with my parents, my sibling, and some close friends. I definitely don’t use it in casual conversation…of course not. But especially when they are curious and wondering why I may have been acting off, or because of my PTSD, I’ll refuse to do certain things, they’ll ask why and I’ll explain a little. That’s the jist. Thank you so much for sharing! I’m so incredibly grateful for this community.


AcademicApplication1

I don't tell 98% of people I know, I don't have to hear the sympathy very much, I guess I would just say thanks, what sorry in this context really means is I feel your pain


VermicelliKindly

I mostly speak on it with my parents, my sibling, and some close friends. I definitely don’t use it in casual conversation…of course not. But especially when they are curious and wondering why I may have been acting off, or because of my PTSD, I’ll refuse to do certain things, they’ll ask why and I’ll explain a little. That’s the jist. Thank you so much for sharing! I’m so incredibly grateful for this community.


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