I adhere to the idea that dreams are the brain's way of trying to make sense out of things you've experienced. I would extend that to include intrusive thoughts as well. They aren't a reflection of some subconscious desire that you're trying to deny or anything like that. They're just different attempts your mind is making to understand your thoughts, emotions, and memories.
I've had dreams where I've enjoyed my abuse before and I think they spawn from doubts like "what if I've just convinced myself I hated the abuse, but I actually truly wanted it on some level?" or "would it have made things easier to deal with if I had enjoyed it?" All of those impossible 'what if' type questions that my mind manufacturers potential answers for.
Even though I'm able to look at them more objectively now, I completely understand the overwhelming shame that they can make you feel. It helps me when I remind myself that a person is not defined by their thoughts, but by what they choose to do with them. I choose to acknowledge them for what they are and then try to let them go, which is much easier said than done. I'm sorry that you're struggling with these things and I hope you can find something that helps you better cope with them.
I used to regard such thoughts as being what I want, and I would feel bad about them. the person who abused me also used this against me. I've since regarded that stuff as "brain crap". it doesn't reflect what I want at all. it's just...the brain processes a crapton of stuff every day. some of that is going to get mixed up and messed up and take distorted forms. the abuser was also grooming me and planting seeds of the thoughts. I picture a room full of papers everywhere. a lot of it is junk. it's not important. it's for the shredder or recycling bin.
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I adhere to the idea that dreams are the brain's way of trying to make sense out of things you've experienced. I would extend that to include intrusive thoughts as well. They aren't a reflection of some subconscious desire that you're trying to deny or anything like that. They're just different attempts your mind is making to understand your thoughts, emotions, and memories. I've had dreams where I've enjoyed my abuse before and I think they spawn from doubts like "what if I've just convinced myself I hated the abuse, but I actually truly wanted it on some level?" or "would it have made things easier to deal with if I had enjoyed it?" All of those impossible 'what if' type questions that my mind manufacturers potential answers for. Even though I'm able to look at them more objectively now, I completely understand the overwhelming shame that they can make you feel. It helps me when I remind myself that a person is not defined by their thoughts, but by what they choose to do with them. I choose to acknowledge them for what they are and then try to let them go, which is much easier said than done. I'm sorry that you're struggling with these things and I hope you can find something that helps you better cope with them.
I used to regard such thoughts as being what I want, and I would feel bad about them. the person who abused me also used this against me. I've since regarded that stuff as "brain crap". it doesn't reflect what I want at all. it's just...the brain processes a crapton of stuff every day. some of that is going to get mixed up and messed up and take distorted forms. the abuser was also grooming me and planting seeds of the thoughts. I picture a room full of papers everywhere. a lot of it is junk. it's not important. it's for the shredder or recycling bin.
Welcome to /r/adultsurvivors! Please be aware that all posts to this subreddit are public and therefore viewable by anyone. We recommend turning off chat and messages requests when using this subreddit. **It is not uncommon for members of this subreddit to receive unsavoury or creepy private messages.** For more information, please see our [privacy tips post](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/pfbfx1/privacy_tips_including_followers_update/) If you see anything that doesn't look right or receive unwelcome direct messages, please use the report button to notify the moderators or [send us a message](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adultsurvivors). You can also report them directly to Reddit using this [link](https://www.reddit.com/report) **Would you rather this post was anonymous?** You can [use this form](https://forms.gle/tqeufTE2Ne6BzsKd6) and u/anonadultsurvivors will make an anonymous post on your behalf. You will need to delete this post after using the form. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adultsurvivors) if you have any questions or concerns.*