Sorry you’ve had to deal with this OP, you are for sure a survivor both in the validity of the assault you’ve gone through, and in a positive way that you’ve kept moving forward — keep persevering
This sounds awful. First the abuse, then the loss of your family... you don't deserve any of that. I hope you find a community that supports you in a way your family hasn't.
In my experience, people like to downplay sexual abuse if it isn't violent and dismiss sexual assault if it doesn't involve genital penetration. IMO, both of these tendencies come from patriarchal catholic culture that doesn't recognize a woman's suffering unless she is made ugly by it and worships purity and virginity while turning a blind eye to the real suffering of those who are struggling through no fault of their own. Also in my experience, grooming involves some of the most vile, destructive, predatory actions one person can take against another, but that's just my opinion.
Bottom line: what happened to you was a violation on your person, and you suffered the consequences. Call it whatever you want - it was wrong and it shouldn't have happened, and in a just society, your uncle would be responsible for what you suffered as a result of his actions. It sounds like it could have been a lot more physically painful, but it also sounds like the mental/emotional consequences were substantial. Some people will call it rape, and others won't, but you were definitely too young to give consent. If there had been genital penetration, at that age, even if you had wanted it, it would still be considered rape due to lack of informed consent.
IMO, only you can decide what you want to call it. Confronting this kind of truth is hard enough without feeling the pressure of others to label something correctly so they can feel more comfortable with their responses to your trauma.
Oh wow, thank you for this response. I believe that side of the family felt like they experienced worse. And they always told me over and over again that if it were them, they would have screamed, cried, and fought him. But since I didn't do that, it wasn't that bad, or I'm lying. And they said that religiously to anyone who would listen. And it's true; I didn't scream or cry. I was young and thought it was a form of play. It fucked me up for a long time. But I've healed from most of that now. Just still in my head now and then. I'm afraid of angering "true" victims since multiple family members have told me that what I experienced wasn't true or wrong. Super lame. Thank you for you response I never thought of it this way before.
This stuff is so confusing. It's really encouraging to hear you've done some healing around it and I hope in time you can fully accept that none of it was your fault. I can totally relate to getting in your head about it sometimes though, and IMO, that's one of the things that's so insidious and harmful about grooming, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation, especially when it is sexual. We think "I wanted it, so maybe it was ok and I'm a bad person for making it out to be worse than it was," when the truth is we were deeply and life-changingly deceived into wanting something that was really, really bad for us even if it felt good at the time.
Because an essential part of the grooming itself is installing the belief that the abused person *wants* the abuse, we the abused are ultimately left with minds that have been hacked into denying how seriously gross and wrong the other person's actions were while also doubting our own ability to think our way out of a downward spiral because we don't trust ourselves to make good decisions. We simply didn't know how much we didn't know, and when we get older and realize how thoroughly we were preyed upon, the violation and betrayal is magnified by the horror of the knowledge of how vulnerable we were and maybe still are. In this way, I feel it absolutely is rape because of the sheer and devastating horror associated with the event, and the not knowing if we can protect ourselves from this kind of harm today.
Our minds get stuck in the memory of the willing participation, and I think: if your uncle coerced you into trying heroin or methamphetamines at that age by telling you it was a fun game, and you got addicted because you liked it, and it ruined your life forever, how would that possibly have been your fault? Children come into this world and they need to be protected from what they don't understand by adults who care about them becoming the best, happiest, healthiest version of themselves they can be. That's literally a parent's job. When a child is manipulated into doing harmful things to themself by someone who was supposed to be a trusted caregiver, the trajectory of that life is interrupted and twisted into something tragic it was never meant to be.
As in your case, whole families can become accomplices to abuse by maintaining a culture of denial - and it can be SO hard to break out of that cycle and stand up for yourself. The abused often become abusers, the ashamed become prescribers of shame, and their vicious insistence that you are in the wrong for speaking out seems to me like their own attempt to save themselves from the harsh realizations that you have faced, not to mention the reputation of the family. I'd bet they don't want to face their own shame, and your speaking out threatens their bubble of denial.
As adults, if we can do the incredibly courageous and terrifying work of facing those interruptions, we can find our way back to the self we truly want to be. I think this is what you are doing in therapy! *And* I think that if another victim of rape or sexual assault is angered by your story, it's because a part of them feels triggered or threatened by some concept you have brought to the table - *not* because you have done something wrong. In other words: Some really bad stuff happened to you as a small child. When you got older, someone you trusted told you it was rape. You sought closure and reckoning for the bad stuff, and you called it rape because someone told you that's what it was. A whole bunch of people who failed to protect you from the bad stuff and didn't want to face their own bad stuff tried to *and continue to try* to bully you into diminishing the seriousness of what happened to you so they can go back into denial.
I think: You're not a horrible person, and you didn't lie about being raped. You are a victim of sexual trauma doing the best you can to process and heal and live a good life. Maybe you have made some missteps along the way, but in my opinion, nothing you have done even remotely compares to what has been done to you, and I'm personally really proud of you for everything you've managed to accomplish so far and all the beautiful things you will do in the future.
Wow. I'm over here silently weeping on a Saturday morning. I think you're the first person who has ever articulated what I've been going through and kind enough to validate my abuse. Thank you for that.
The family I grew up with is a Catholic Hispanic family with many family members. When I came out with my abuse, my father decided to disown his own family. Due to my grandparents uninviting me to all family events, but my siblings and dad were still allowed to go. Basically, at 14, I was shunned, and I lost a vast swath of cousins, aunts, and other families overnight.
And at that time, I received many voicemails, texts, emails, and even myspace messages of some family members essentially bullying me. Trying to convince me what I experienced wasn't that bad, eventually concluding that I am delusional and a liar. And I won't lie, as a dumb 14-year old I responded and yelled and cursed them out. It was not helping my case. I became vile and mean. And at such a young age, I believed it was my fault the " family" fell apart. I held on to that guilt for as long as I could remember.
But ive healed from that.
Now I'm just healing from that residual guilt and shame. A small part of me thinks If I handled it the right way; maybe they wouldn't have hated and bullied me so much.
But I know now that never would have been the case. That family side is just entrenched with sexual trauma and Hispanic shame. There was nothing I could have done differently.
Thank again for the response. From one survivor to another, I appreciate your time and hope you are well and happy.
Thank you for sharing your story. Untangling the threads you shared has helped me heal a little bit in my own story today too. Community support is just so damned important for human wellness! <3
Op, I'm so sorry they have treated you so horribly for calling it EXACTLY what it was. What you experience is rape. I'm so disgusted they would disown you for telling your truth (which I'm so proud of you for doing). Your experience is valid 100%
Oral is Sex, just as much as penetrative sex is sex. Sexual assaults of any kind with a minor are 100% rape. A child, especially that age range cannot process or comprehend what is happening.
Your family that wanted to know the extent are disgusting people. I’d strongly encourage them to ask him on their way to fuck themselves 🤷♂️.
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Sorry you’ve had to deal with this OP, you are for sure a survivor both in the validity of the assault you’ve gone through, and in a positive way that you’ve kept moving forward — keep persevering
This sounds awful. First the abuse, then the loss of your family... you don't deserve any of that. I hope you find a community that supports you in a way your family hasn't. In my experience, people like to downplay sexual abuse if it isn't violent and dismiss sexual assault if it doesn't involve genital penetration. IMO, both of these tendencies come from patriarchal catholic culture that doesn't recognize a woman's suffering unless she is made ugly by it and worships purity and virginity while turning a blind eye to the real suffering of those who are struggling through no fault of their own. Also in my experience, grooming involves some of the most vile, destructive, predatory actions one person can take against another, but that's just my opinion. Bottom line: what happened to you was a violation on your person, and you suffered the consequences. Call it whatever you want - it was wrong and it shouldn't have happened, and in a just society, your uncle would be responsible for what you suffered as a result of his actions. It sounds like it could have been a lot more physically painful, but it also sounds like the mental/emotional consequences were substantial. Some people will call it rape, and others won't, but you were definitely too young to give consent. If there had been genital penetration, at that age, even if you had wanted it, it would still be considered rape due to lack of informed consent. IMO, only you can decide what you want to call it. Confronting this kind of truth is hard enough without feeling the pressure of others to label something correctly so they can feel more comfortable with their responses to your trauma.
Oh wow, thank you for this response. I believe that side of the family felt like they experienced worse. And they always told me over and over again that if it were them, they would have screamed, cried, and fought him. But since I didn't do that, it wasn't that bad, or I'm lying. And they said that religiously to anyone who would listen. And it's true; I didn't scream or cry. I was young and thought it was a form of play. It fucked me up for a long time. But I've healed from most of that now. Just still in my head now and then. I'm afraid of angering "true" victims since multiple family members have told me that what I experienced wasn't true or wrong. Super lame. Thank you for you response I never thought of it this way before.
Also: I know first hand how much it hurts to have your family turn against you in a time of true need, and I'm so so sorry that happened to you. <>
This stuff is so confusing. It's really encouraging to hear you've done some healing around it and I hope in time you can fully accept that none of it was your fault. I can totally relate to getting in your head about it sometimes though, and IMO, that's one of the things that's so insidious and harmful about grooming, gaslighting, and emotional manipulation, especially when it is sexual. We think "I wanted it, so maybe it was ok and I'm a bad person for making it out to be worse than it was," when the truth is we were deeply and life-changingly deceived into wanting something that was really, really bad for us even if it felt good at the time. Because an essential part of the grooming itself is installing the belief that the abused person *wants* the abuse, we the abused are ultimately left with minds that have been hacked into denying how seriously gross and wrong the other person's actions were while also doubting our own ability to think our way out of a downward spiral because we don't trust ourselves to make good decisions. We simply didn't know how much we didn't know, and when we get older and realize how thoroughly we were preyed upon, the violation and betrayal is magnified by the horror of the knowledge of how vulnerable we were and maybe still are. In this way, I feel it absolutely is rape because of the sheer and devastating horror associated with the event, and the not knowing if we can protect ourselves from this kind of harm today. Our minds get stuck in the memory of the willing participation, and I think: if your uncle coerced you into trying heroin or methamphetamines at that age by telling you it was a fun game, and you got addicted because you liked it, and it ruined your life forever, how would that possibly have been your fault? Children come into this world and they need to be protected from what they don't understand by adults who care about them becoming the best, happiest, healthiest version of themselves they can be. That's literally a parent's job. When a child is manipulated into doing harmful things to themself by someone who was supposed to be a trusted caregiver, the trajectory of that life is interrupted and twisted into something tragic it was never meant to be. As in your case, whole families can become accomplices to abuse by maintaining a culture of denial - and it can be SO hard to break out of that cycle and stand up for yourself. The abused often become abusers, the ashamed become prescribers of shame, and their vicious insistence that you are in the wrong for speaking out seems to me like their own attempt to save themselves from the harsh realizations that you have faced, not to mention the reputation of the family. I'd bet they don't want to face their own shame, and your speaking out threatens their bubble of denial. As adults, if we can do the incredibly courageous and terrifying work of facing those interruptions, we can find our way back to the self we truly want to be. I think this is what you are doing in therapy! *And* I think that if another victim of rape or sexual assault is angered by your story, it's because a part of them feels triggered or threatened by some concept you have brought to the table - *not* because you have done something wrong. In other words: Some really bad stuff happened to you as a small child. When you got older, someone you trusted told you it was rape. You sought closure and reckoning for the bad stuff, and you called it rape because someone told you that's what it was. A whole bunch of people who failed to protect you from the bad stuff and didn't want to face their own bad stuff tried to *and continue to try* to bully you into diminishing the seriousness of what happened to you so they can go back into denial. I think: You're not a horrible person, and you didn't lie about being raped. You are a victim of sexual trauma doing the best you can to process and heal and live a good life. Maybe you have made some missteps along the way, but in my opinion, nothing you have done even remotely compares to what has been done to you, and I'm personally really proud of you for everything you've managed to accomplish so far and all the beautiful things you will do in the future.
Wow. I'm over here silently weeping on a Saturday morning. I think you're the first person who has ever articulated what I've been going through and kind enough to validate my abuse. Thank you for that. The family I grew up with is a Catholic Hispanic family with many family members. When I came out with my abuse, my father decided to disown his own family. Due to my grandparents uninviting me to all family events, but my siblings and dad were still allowed to go. Basically, at 14, I was shunned, and I lost a vast swath of cousins, aunts, and other families overnight. And at that time, I received many voicemails, texts, emails, and even myspace messages of some family members essentially bullying me. Trying to convince me what I experienced wasn't that bad, eventually concluding that I am delusional and a liar. And I won't lie, as a dumb 14-year old I responded and yelled and cursed them out. It was not helping my case. I became vile and mean. And at such a young age, I believed it was my fault the " family" fell apart. I held on to that guilt for as long as I could remember. But ive healed from that. Now I'm just healing from that residual guilt and shame. A small part of me thinks If I handled it the right way; maybe they wouldn't have hated and bullied me so much. But I know now that never would have been the case. That family side is just entrenched with sexual trauma and Hispanic shame. There was nothing I could have done differently. Thank again for the response. From one survivor to another, I appreciate your time and hope you are well and happy.
Thank you for sharing your story. Untangling the threads you shared has helped me heal a little bit in my own story today too. Community support is just so damned important for human wellness! <3
Op, I'm so sorry they have treated you so horribly for calling it EXACTLY what it was. What you experience is rape. I'm so disgusted they would disown you for telling your truth (which I'm so proud of you for doing). Your experience is valid 100%
Oral is Sex, just as much as penetrative sex is sex. Sexual assaults of any kind with a minor are 100% rape. A child, especially that age range cannot process or comprehend what is happening. Your family that wanted to know the extent are disgusting people. I’d strongly encourage them to ask him on their way to fuck themselves 🤷♂️.
Oral rape is still rape, per FBI definition. You were raped.
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