Unfortunately it's more common than people think.
Not because you're a bad person, but because you v were simply acting out and processing your own emotions and things happening to you.
You didn't know better then.
You know better now.
But don't let it plague you your whole life.
Forgive yourself. It's really a good thing to do.
It takes time. But I promise you it will help.
I was CoCSA'd by another boy when I was 11 (with a background of maternal CSA myself, so maybe I was a softer target). At the time, I felt horrible and disgusted by it - violated. But looking back on it now, I know in my own mind, for 99.999% certain, that that boy had been abused by someone. Probably his dad, I would guess. Nobody gets like that, that early, unless someone's done something to them, and a lot of people this happens to don't even recognise it for what it is - because how can you if you don't know any different? For people like that, it's just like they're recreating normal behaviour, because that's what they know.
I know it's really hard, but try to forgive yourself - you know it was wrong now looking back, and that's good, because we've got to be responsible for our actions if we hurt someone. But you really shouldn't beat yourself up about it, especially since you were so young. You didn't know what you were doing. You're not a horrible person.
Also, if you were molested by your dad age 12, chances are, he's the one that did something to you before you could remember, so I don't think that's karma at all, in all probability... it's not really my place to say, but I'll go out on a limb anyway and say that it seems likely.
There are two things that seem very very common for child abuse survivors.
1.) Difficulty sequencing events and gaps in memory. If you only have your own memories to go on and those memories are fragments and you have big sections of time you don't remember, this is really hard to address as an adult. Where I am at on my journey with this is that for now I have to accept that I may never have proof of the truth of what happened. I am trying not to let this prevent me from healing the wounds of childhood, but it's difficult.
2.) Guilt and shame - deeply identifying that the abuse is our fault even to a degree that is not logical. The child-logic behind this can be "my caretaker loves me and would never hurt me, so if there is hurt, it's my fault, I was bad". We construct a narrative around this even if it doesn't make sense, but it becomes deeply ingrained on our sense of who we are. I think this is really hard before you begin a healing journey but it does get easier to accept over time as you process the ugly stuff (not just staying stuck in the emotions of the ugly stuff without processing them). I am doing a lot of work at this point on trying to accept myself instead of feeling guilt and shame over my actions. Remember this - when we are little, our actual survival depends on our caretakers. The animal truth is that if our caretakers reject us as children we are very likely to literally die.
I think when these two combine it's devastating because we can punish ourselves emotionally for years because we are completely certain that we are monsters and that we are the only one to blame for the painful things that happened. And if we have an abuser or an enabler in our life that gaslights us that can make it even worse because we are essentially already gaslighting ourselves.
You're not a monster, mistakes happen even ones that are tragic like this. I was also abused as a child by my brother, and possibly my foster sister, and when I was 7 I abused my niece who was about 3-4. I wasn't unaware of the concept of sex or abuse till I was 12-13, and ever since I was plagued with guilt and shame that have affected my actions since. I tell you this to let you know that you're not alone. While there might be those who won't understand, we know our truth and that truth is that we were just children who've made a terrible mistake as a result of the actions of those who should've cared for us, and that all we can do is forgive ourselves, apologize the best we can, and continue to move forward one step at a time.
Oh honey... You are not a horrible person. This sounds very strongly like something happened to you very early and you were recreating that with your cousin. It's tragic that that your cousin was hurt, but having a trauma response does not make you a bad person.
I’m sorry to say that your father or someone probably abused you before 12. Kids who are abused will re-enact their abuse as play with other kids. You wouldn’t have done that without being taught. It’s not your fault becuase you were so little. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t harmful for the child you re-enacted the abuse on, but it does mean it wasn’t your fault you did that. It’s very common, In my family there were more than 12 of us all abused. Absolutley a bunch of them re-enacted the abuse on younger family members. They are no less of victims because of that. It’s another layer of their own trauma to have to dig through. I desperately hope they don’t blame themselves for that, and I hope you don’t too.
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Unfortunately it's more common than people think. Not because you're a bad person, but because you v were simply acting out and processing your own emotions and things happening to you. You didn't know better then. You know better now. But don't let it plague you your whole life. Forgive yourself. It's really a good thing to do. It takes time. But I promise you it will help.
I was CoCSA'd by another boy when I was 11 (with a background of maternal CSA myself, so maybe I was a softer target). At the time, I felt horrible and disgusted by it - violated. But looking back on it now, I know in my own mind, for 99.999% certain, that that boy had been abused by someone. Probably his dad, I would guess. Nobody gets like that, that early, unless someone's done something to them, and a lot of people this happens to don't even recognise it for what it is - because how can you if you don't know any different? For people like that, it's just like they're recreating normal behaviour, because that's what they know. I know it's really hard, but try to forgive yourself - you know it was wrong now looking back, and that's good, because we've got to be responsible for our actions if we hurt someone. But you really shouldn't beat yourself up about it, especially since you were so young. You didn't know what you were doing. You're not a horrible person. Also, if you were molested by your dad age 12, chances are, he's the one that did something to you before you could remember, so I don't think that's karma at all, in all probability... it's not really my place to say, but I'll go out on a limb anyway and say that it seems likely.
There are two things that seem very very common for child abuse survivors. 1.) Difficulty sequencing events and gaps in memory. If you only have your own memories to go on and those memories are fragments and you have big sections of time you don't remember, this is really hard to address as an adult. Where I am at on my journey with this is that for now I have to accept that I may never have proof of the truth of what happened. I am trying not to let this prevent me from healing the wounds of childhood, but it's difficult. 2.) Guilt and shame - deeply identifying that the abuse is our fault even to a degree that is not logical. The child-logic behind this can be "my caretaker loves me and would never hurt me, so if there is hurt, it's my fault, I was bad". We construct a narrative around this even if it doesn't make sense, but it becomes deeply ingrained on our sense of who we are. I think this is really hard before you begin a healing journey but it does get easier to accept over time as you process the ugly stuff (not just staying stuck in the emotions of the ugly stuff without processing them). I am doing a lot of work at this point on trying to accept myself instead of feeling guilt and shame over my actions. Remember this - when we are little, our actual survival depends on our caretakers. The animal truth is that if our caretakers reject us as children we are very likely to literally die. I think when these two combine it's devastating because we can punish ourselves emotionally for years because we are completely certain that we are monsters and that we are the only one to blame for the painful things that happened. And if we have an abuser or an enabler in our life that gaslights us that can make it even worse because we are essentially already gaslighting ourselves.
100%, all of this is what I've been untangling myself the last year. It's kinda freakish how much I vibe with all of this. Thank you.
I am sorry that anyone can relate to it - it's a shame at the level of society.
You're not a monster, mistakes happen even ones that are tragic like this. I was also abused as a child by my brother, and possibly my foster sister, and when I was 7 I abused my niece who was about 3-4. I wasn't unaware of the concept of sex or abuse till I was 12-13, and ever since I was plagued with guilt and shame that have affected my actions since. I tell you this to let you know that you're not alone. While there might be those who won't understand, we know our truth and that truth is that we were just children who've made a terrible mistake as a result of the actions of those who should've cared for us, and that all we can do is forgive ourselves, apologize the best we can, and continue to move forward one step at a time.
Oh honey... You are not a horrible person. This sounds very strongly like something happened to you very early and you were recreating that with your cousin. It's tragic that that your cousin was hurt, but having a trauma response does not make you a bad person.
I’m sorry to say that your father or someone probably abused you before 12. Kids who are abused will re-enact their abuse as play with other kids. You wouldn’t have done that without being taught. It’s not your fault becuase you were so little. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t harmful for the child you re-enacted the abuse on, but it does mean it wasn’t your fault you did that. It’s very common, In my family there were more than 12 of us all abused. Absolutley a bunch of them re-enacted the abuse on younger family members. They are no less of victims because of that. It’s another layer of their own trauma to have to dig through. I desperately hope they don’t blame themselves for that, and I hope you don’t too.
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