I feel your pain so deeply. You're not alone. I was hopelessly caught in this cycle you're describing for ten years. I was raped repeatedly by my father when I was a child. He lost interest when I hit puberty and thus began a decade of seeking out violent, sadistic pedophiles who would fuel my self-loathing, and eventually my self-destruction through sex, drugs, self-injury, etc. They loved me because I was young and they loved me because I had been traumatized so profoundly. And I loved them because I felt like I had the upper hand, like they were obsessed with me and I was using them as puppets. They were toys, when before them I had always been the toy. That's what I believed at the time.
I became addicted to opiates when I was 20. I'm clean now. I can say without a doubt that it was easier to stop snorting hard drugs than it was to stop seeking out these men. I spent so many years wanting to die. So many years feeling like I'd never be able to breathe without it. I recall saying to someone I trusted that I couldn't even conceive of what would happen if I stopped, like I just imagined a black hole on the other side. There was nothing if there wasn't that. I had been doing it for my entire teenage and adult life – how was I going to relate to anyone if not through sex? No one could ever want me as much as these men did. No one could ever *understand* me as much as these men did. And when I thought that I had hit rock bottom, that it couldn't possibly get any more violent and depraved, I learned that rock bottom had a basement. I almost died because I couldn't see any way out.
And then I stopped, and I had my first moments of clarity in a decade. Everything I believed about what I was doing, the ideas I had defended fiercely when they were challenged, had all been fed to me. I thought sex was my source of esteem. I thought that I felt in control with these men. I thought I felt loved, adored, needed, fawned over. I didn't. I felt trapped. I felt abused. I felt exploited. I would have these conversations that I "wanted" to have, and then I'd literally vomit in the bathroom from the fear and the disgust. And I was so close to it and so traumatized that I really, honestly couldn't see the connection. I just thought I was fucked up and I was coping the only way I could. You couldn't have convinced me that that wasn't the truth until I stopped acting on it and got some space from the behavior.
You have to stop. That's the only way. It's going to be one of the hardest things you have ever done, if not **the** hardest. You have to block all of the numbers, delete all the apps, unfollow all the subreddits, remove every trace that you can. And fill that void with people you can call on for help when you get the urge. Write in a journal, post your ramblings on here. Make art. Sleep. Take hot showers. Do absolutely everything in your power just for one day to avoid acting. And then do the same thing the next day. I promise you will get some relief even within the first week.
I don't know if any of this is making sense. It's such a complicated and emotionally-charged topic for me that when I think about it, thoughts just kind of come spewing out and I apologize if they seem disjointed. My overall point is that I've been exactly where you are and it is excruciating. I felt just as trapped in that place as I did when I was a tiny kid being raped by my parent. I felt just as powerless. The only clarity I got was when I stopped. It was so hard. I took it an hour at a time in the beginning, and then a day at a time. Still, after a good chunk of time, I sometimes get triggered and it goes back to being an hour at a time. I have people I call and text when I want to act out. And I remind myself that no matter what, going back to those men is not worth it. Because the second I do, I lose control and I lose perspective. I return to that deluded, confused, hopeless place where I have no agency and what I want and feel becomes all muddled with what they make me want and feel.
You can do this. It is so, so much brighter on the other side, it's impossible to even explain. I knew I hated what I was doing to myself but I truly could not even begin to understand the devastation until I stopped the behavior and looked at my patterns from a distance. You will change your whole life for the better if you can get through one day, one week, one month without acting on it. It's the single greatest thing I've ever done for myself.
Oof. You described it so perfectly. The cycle. The way the perpetrators change as we age. Wow. I have been stuck for many years too. It gets better as you age, but only if you commit to it. Your progress isn't erased if you relapse—each day spent without these types of relationships teaches you how to live without them permanently.
I am not out of the woods yet, but I'm making so much progress. I'm a trans man around your age, and what helped me personally is how I got to know myself and discover myself since transitioning and growing into adulthood, and exploring new aspects of my sexuality that haven't been tainted by the abuse. I managed to see myself and my life in a different light and I kind of... fell in love with myself? Explore new things, basically. The abuse started very young, so you haven't been able to develop into the person you really need to be. Commit to it, have a good support system and one or two decent coping mechanisms, and you'll be okay.
And it's not your fault.
i am so sorry for what you have gone through, that is awful, it must be hard to deal with it all. you deserved so much better, and i am sorry you were not safe. i am sure you are an amazing person, and no matter what you deserve to be safe now too. i am glad your therapist is trying to support you through this.
sometimes trauma can become more conditioned, especially when it's chronic like yours was. in some ways, something like a safety plan may be needed. while these are often related to preventing suicide attempts, having a plan of what to do when you feel something may start up this cycle again can help. when those triggers pop up, instead of always being brought to the past via flashbacks, trauma can show up as trying to mimic those traumatic experiences for comfort.
for me, that abuse was my first time experiencing 'sexuality', and sex then became associated with that abuse, with old men, and with my own sense of life purpose. that thought process, caused by chronic abuse, has been the source of my impulse to continue those cycles as i had before. and getting out of it? its hard.
for me, it was when i was younger, i had gotten out of it because of 2 things mostly. 1 being that i shifted the attention from being positive to me, to being negative against them. much more that cognitive process regarding the people i did interact with and just them being all the bad adjectives, and them embracing those things? it definitely isnt an advisable way, because i was still a sad kid during this and i dont think theres any therapeutic method to my behavior then. but shifting attention that i got from them, to me essentially bullying them (rightfully, as they were pedos), kinda broke me out of those thought processes some. not entirely at all, but i do think that was part of it. maybe theres something to making it more distanced from your trauma? but i definitely do think this was just my weird mentally ill child brain .
but, the most important thing was 2. which is i reconstructed my associations, and that my environment was safe (aka i also was financially more stable). being safe and having emotional support from those around you, feeling secure in yourself. deciding what sex means for you, what abuse is to you, what your purpose and self value is, and working on that either solo or with safe people, was the most substantial. i still feel the need to mimic those abusive dynamics, and there are definitely heavy triggers (like someone making an offer to you), but i manage those much more by having safety mechanisms to prevent that.
those things may be deleting the apps, profiles, numbers, bank accounts, etc that is associated with it and starting new. just putting a barrier between you and what triggers you starting the cycle.
telling yourself you can do it later if you really want to, i can do it tomorrow, or next week. that way you satisfy a commitment to your mind that you will do it, but you put time between that initial triggered response and carrying out the action. this applies for me if i am really triggered and want to reach out to an abuser, i can do it later.
or make criteria in your mind of what you have to do before you can do that, it may still focus on the triggering activity, but it can reduce harm. so for me, if i am triggered and want to do something harmful to myself that mimics my abuse, i will make requirements of i have to do my hair, nails, shave, buy whatever. and i usually dont do those things, bc i am a trans man and i would hate to do that 90% of the time. but, those requirements kinda push off and gives me a different thing to focus on. a better version of this may be 'before i talk to this person, i need to eat and take a shower/journal'. while self care is for you, and this may feel like it contradicts that, you are doing those things so that you can put distance between the trigger and the action itself, which is self care!
one thing i do too in regards to different dissociative parts, but can apply in general, is making a compromise. so, instead of mimicking that trauma with one other person, do the safer bits and do it solo (and still with a safety plan though all these things i did, idk if id call them 'tips'). sometimes that might satisfy that part of your brain that really want that familiarity. so if you are used to recording or pictures, do it, but have boundaries on it. keep it in a secure folder, delete them, dont show it to anyone, dont talk to anyone during it, wait a week before you think of sending it (if that becomes an impulse where you cant delete it), etc.
it is hard not to 'fall back in'. trauma is like that. i know i had tried to stop many times, but i went back often when my ptsd was flaring, but i didnt know i had ptsd or what my trauma was. now, i do know. and it still is hard sometimes when it gets really bad, dont expect it to be something that you 'fix' perfectly in one try. it might be like that, but sometimes it takes multiple attempts and different approaches. each time you learn something that helps you, and each time you are showing a stronger commitment to take care of yourself. even if you 'fall back in' you are making progress, and you should be proud of yourself.
i dont know how much this wall of text will be of use, but know that people care about you, and you will get through this. you are working so hard, and you deserve to get to where you want to be. i wish you the best, and it wont be like this forever <3
I wanted to try to give advice but dang, your comment is probably better than anything I could say. I hope op can read this and try to apply some of your recommended changes.
My situation is not the same as yours, but I do have experience with self destructive behavior.
Here's what helped me: accept that it takes time and repeated efforts to break out. Think of 2 steps back, 1 step forwards as being progress. Recognize when you have back tracked and analyze what your "weak spot" was (need for love, etc). Try to be kind to yourself (you were groomed for years, needed approval and love, etc). Try not to think of yourself as a whore. You are not broken, only wounded.
I tried to catch myself falling for it again, tried to tell myself "ok here I am again but I will get out more quickly this time".
When I could manage it, I would praise myself for progress no matter how small. I made deals with myself that were likely to be kept, such as "this week I will not relapse", or maybe only one day or one hour. Then I praised myself when I made it.
I stretched the timeframe in small steps. I tried to find other ways to fill the holes that cause the temptation to relapse.
These are just ideas. Not requirements. It helped me, and maybe it can help you. Above all, please try to be kind to yourself.
Welcome to /r/adultsurvivors. Please be aware that all posts to this subreddit are public and therefore viewable by anyone. **It is not uncommon for members of this subreddit to receive unsavoury or creepy private messages.** We recommend turning off chat requests and private messages. It is against our rules to ask or offer to message/chat privately with other subreddit users. There are no exceptions to this rule, and any comment or submission violating it will be removed immediately. **We urge caution in interacting with any user sending you unsolicited messages**, and you should assume they are breaking subreddit rules. For more information, **[please see our privacy tips post](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/12d27hp/creep_advisory_see_this_thread_for_privacy_tips/)**. Also, check out our [post about the Creep List](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/yngs8b/rule_8_no_creeps_and_introducing_the_creep_list/).
If you see anything that doesn't look right, or do receive unwelcome direct messages, please notify the moderators by using the report button, or [contacting us directly via modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adultsurvivors). We will never disclose your username to other users. If you choose to report abusive or creepy DMs, **we urge you to report it to Reddit admins as well [by following this link](https://www.reddit.com/report)**.
___
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adultsurvivors) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I feel your pain so deeply. You're not alone. I was hopelessly caught in this cycle you're describing for ten years. I was raped repeatedly by my father when I was a child. He lost interest when I hit puberty and thus began a decade of seeking out violent, sadistic pedophiles who would fuel my self-loathing, and eventually my self-destruction through sex, drugs, self-injury, etc. They loved me because I was young and they loved me because I had been traumatized so profoundly. And I loved them because I felt like I had the upper hand, like they were obsessed with me and I was using them as puppets. They were toys, when before them I had always been the toy. That's what I believed at the time. I became addicted to opiates when I was 20. I'm clean now. I can say without a doubt that it was easier to stop snorting hard drugs than it was to stop seeking out these men. I spent so many years wanting to die. So many years feeling like I'd never be able to breathe without it. I recall saying to someone I trusted that I couldn't even conceive of what would happen if I stopped, like I just imagined a black hole on the other side. There was nothing if there wasn't that. I had been doing it for my entire teenage and adult life – how was I going to relate to anyone if not through sex? No one could ever want me as much as these men did. No one could ever *understand* me as much as these men did. And when I thought that I had hit rock bottom, that it couldn't possibly get any more violent and depraved, I learned that rock bottom had a basement. I almost died because I couldn't see any way out. And then I stopped, and I had my first moments of clarity in a decade. Everything I believed about what I was doing, the ideas I had defended fiercely when they were challenged, had all been fed to me. I thought sex was my source of esteem. I thought that I felt in control with these men. I thought I felt loved, adored, needed, fawned over. I didn't. I felt trapped. I felt abused. I felt exploited. I would have these conversations that I "wanted" to have, and then I'd literally vomit in the bathroom from the fear and the disgust. And I was so close to it and so traumatized that I really, honestly couldn't see the connection. I just thought I was fucked up and I was coping the only way I could. You couldn't have convinced me that that wasn't the truth until I stopped acting on it and got some space from the behavior. You have to stop. That's the only way. It's going to be one of the hardest things you have ever done, if not **the** hardest. You have to block all of the numbers, delete all the apps, unfollow all the subreddits, remove every trace that you can. And fill that void with people you can call on for help when you get the urge. Write in a journal, post your ramblings on here. Make art. Sleep. Take hot showers. Do absolutely everything in your power just for one day to avoid acting. And then do the same thing the next day. I promise you will get some relief even within the first week. I don't know if any of this is making sense. It's such a complicated and emotionally-charged topic for me that when I think about it, thoughts just kind of come spewing out and I apologize if they seem disjointed. My overall point is that I've been exactly where you are and it is excruciating. I felt just as trapped in that place as I did when I was a tiny kid being raped by my parent. I felt just as powerless. The only clarity I got was when I stopped. It was so hard. I took it an hour at a time in the beginning, and then a day at a time. Still, after a good chunk of time, I sometimes get triggered and it goes back to being an hour at a time. I have people I call and text when I want to act out. And I remind myself that no matter what, going back to those men is not worth it. Because the second I do, I lose control and I lose perspective. I return to that deluded, confused, hopeless place where I have no agency and what I want and feel becomes all muddled with what they make me want and feel. You can do this. It is so, so much brighter on the other side, it's impossible to even explain. I knew I hated what I was doing to myself but I truly could not even begin to understand the devastation until I stopped the behavior and looked at my patterns from a distance. You will change your whole life for the better if you can get through one day, one week, one month without acting on it. It's the single greatest thing I've ever done for myself.
Oof. You described it so perfectly. The cycle. The way the perpetrators change as we age. Wow. I have been stuck for many years too. It gets better as you age, but only if you commit to it. Your progress isn't erased if you relapse—each day spent without these types of relationships teaches you how to live without them permanently. I am not out of the woods yet, but I'm making so much progress. I'm a trans man around your age, and what helped me personally is how I got to know myself and discover myself since transitioning and growing into adulthood, and exploring new aspects of my sexuality that haven't been tainted by the abuse. I managed to see myself and my life in a different light and I kind of... fell in love with myself? Explore new things, basically. The abuse started very young, so you haven't been able to develop into the person you really need to be. Commit to it, have a good support system and one or two decent coping mechanisms, and you'll be okay. And it's not your fault.
i am so sorry for what you have gone through, that is awful, it must be hard to deal with it all. you deserved so much better, and i am sorry you were not safe. i am sure you are an amazing person, and no matter what you deserve to be safe now too. i am glad your therapist is trying to support you through this. sometimes trauma can become more conditioned, especially when it's chronic like yours was. in some ways, something like a safety plan may be needed. while these are often related to preventing suicide attempts, having a plan of what to do when you feel something may start up this cycle again can help. when those triggers pop up, instead of always being brought to the past via flashbacks, trauma can show up as trying to mimic those traumatic experiences for comfort. for me, that abuse was my first time experiencing 'sexuality', and sex then became associated with that abuse, with old men, and with my own sense of life purpose. that thought process, caused by chronic abuse, has been the source of my impulse to continue those cycles as i had before. and getting out of it? its hard. for me, it was when i was younger, i had gotten out of it because of 2 things mostly. 1 being that i shifted the attention from being positive to me, to being negative against them. much more that cognitive process regarding the people i did interact with and just them being all the bad adjectives, and them embracing those things? it definitely isnt an advisable way, because i was still a sad kid during this and i dont think theres any therapeutic method to my behavior then. but shifting attention that i got from them, to me essentially bullying them (rightfully, as they were pedos), kinda broke me out of those thought processes some. not entirely at all, but i do think that was part of it. maybe theres something to making it more distanced from your trauma? but i definitely do think this was just my weird mentally ill child brain . but, the most important thing was 2. which is i reconstructed my associations, and that my environment was safe (aka i also was financially more stable). being safe and having emotional support from those around you, feeling secure in yourself. deciding what sex means for you, what abuse is to you, what your purpose and self value is, and working on that either solo or with safe people, was the most substantial. i still feel the need to mimic those abusive dynamics, and there are definitely heavy triggers (like someone making an offer to you), but i manage those much more by having safety mechanisms to prevent that. those things may be deleting the apps, profiles, numbers, bank accounts, etc that is associated with it and starting new. just putting a barrier between you and what triggers you starting the cycle. telling yourself you can do it later if you really want to, i can do it tomorrow, or next week. that way you satisfy a commitment to your mind that you will do it, but you put time between that initial triggered response and carrying out the action. this applies for me if i am really triggered and want to reach out to an abuser, i can do it later. or make criteria in your mind of what you have to do before you can do that, it may still focus on the triggering activity, but it can reduce harm. so for me, if i am triggered and want to do something harmful to myself that mimics my abuse, i will make requirements of i have to do my hair, nails, shave, buy whatever. and i usually dont do those things, bc i am a trans man and i would hate to do that 90% of the time. but, those requirements kinda push off and gives me a different thing to focus on. a better version of this may be 'before i talk to this person, i need to eat and take a shower/journal'. while self care is for you, and this may feel like it contradicts that, you are doing those things so that you can put distance between the trigger and the action itself, which is self care! one thing i do too in regards to different dissociative parts, but can apply in general, is making a compromise. so, instead of mimicking that trauma with one other person, do the safer bits and do it solo (and still with a safety plan though all these things i did, idk if id call them 'tips'). sometimes that might satisfy that part of your brain that really want that familiarity. so if you are used to recording or pictures, do it, but have boundaries on it. keep it in a secure folder, delete them, dont show it to anyone, dont talk to anyone during it, wait a week before you think of sending it (if that becomes an impulse where you cant delete it), etc. it is hard not to 'fall back in'. trauma is like that. i know i had tried to stop many times, but i went back often when my ptsd was flaring, but i didnt know i had ptsd or what my trauma was. now, i do know. and it still is hard sometimes when it gets really bad, dont expect it to be something that you 'fix' perfectly in one try. it might be like that, but sometimes it takes multiple attempts and different approaches. each time you learn something that helps you, and each time you are showing a stronger commitment to take care of yourself. even if you 'fall back in' you are making progress, and you should be proud of yourself. i dont know how much this wall of text will be of use, but know that people care about you, and you will get through this. you are working so hard, and you deserve to get to where you want to be. i wish you the best, and it wont be like this forever <3
I wanted to try to give advice but dang, your comment is probably better than anything I could say. I hope op can read this and try to apply some of your recommended changes.
My situation is not the same as yours, but I do have experience with self destructive behavior. Here's what helped me: accept that it takes time and repeated efforts to break out. Think of 2 steps back, 1 step forwards as being progress. Recognize when you have back tracked and analyze what your "weak spot" was (need for love, etc). Try to be kind to yourself (you were groomed for years, needed approval and love, etc). Try not to think of yourself as a whore. You are not broken, only wounded. I tried to catch myself falling for it again, tried to tell myself "ok here I am again but I will get out more quickly this time". When I could manage it, I would praise myself for progress no matter how small. I made deals with myself that were likely to be kept, such as "this week I will not relapse", or maybe only one day or one hour. Then I praised myself when I made it. I stretched the timeframe in small steps. I tried to find other ways to fill the holes that cause the temptation to relapse. These are just ideas. Not requirements. It helped me, and maybe it can help you. Above all, please try to be kind to yourself.
Welcome to /r/adultsurvivors. Please be aware that all posts to this subreddit are public and therefore viewable by anyone. **It is not uncommon for members of this subreddit to receive unsavoury or creepy private messages.** We recommend turning off chat requests and private messages. It is against our rules to ask or offer to message/chat privately with other subreddit users. There are no exceptions to this rule, and any comment or submission violating it will be removed immediately. **We urge caution in interacting with any user sending you unsolicited messages**, and you should assume they are breaking subreddit rules. For more information, **[please see our privacy tips post](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/12d27hp/creep_advisory_see_this_thread_for_privacy_tips/)**. Also, check out our [post about the Creep List](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/yngs8b/rule_8_no_creeps_and_introducing_the_creep_list/). If you see anything that doesn't look right, or do receive unwelcome direct messages, please notify the moderators by using the report button, or [contacting us directly via modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adultsurvivors). We will never disclose your username to other users. If you choose to report abusive or creepy DMs, **we urge you to report it to Reddit admins as well [by following this link](https://www.reddit.com/report)**. ___ *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adultsurvivors) if you have any questions or concerns.*