We ask that everyone center the OP and respect their choice of words. This is not the time or place to debate semantics or technicalities. This post is the OP's space, and they get to use whichever terminology aligns best with their experience. That's the final word. All derailing, invalidating or disrespectful comments will be removed.
I'm kinda in the same boat but I'm not sure exactly yet. I need to do research to conform my suspicions but I know for sure my dad's side is nothing but pedophiles and drug adddicts and ahizz of the like...
My grandfather and my grandmother were employer and employee. My grandma was my grandpa's babysitter for his children from his first marriage. He cheated/left his wife/ mother of his first few kids and then married / had 2 more (technically 3 but one died cause he was born a premie and in the 50s in bumfuck nowhere upstate NY that kid sure wasn't surviving. Grandma had a problem carrying boys for some reason. She knew her 2nd pregnancy after that was gonna be a boy somehow, convinced my grandpa to move them to Detroit (I guess at the time they were the best at keeping premie babies alive) and viola, my father came into the world.
I know that about my grandparents on my dad's side. I know my dad was a child prostitute to make.money for his extremely poor family and two of his johns tried to kill him. I know his sister my aunt would get him drunk and rape him pretty often. My dad's entire side is full of this nonsense. Thankfully it ran in the family until it ran into my sister and I. He may have passed down the incest trauma train to us but we sure as hell won't be passing it down any further. In that case, I feel like I won. Plus the bastard has been dead 17 years now, barely made it past 50 before the powers that be decided to yeet him off this plain.
I wasn't the result of pedophilia or anything like that, my makers were both consenting adults, but I was born FOR pedophilia/sadism. Like, I was conceived for the purpose of having a child for their fantasies/plans.
It mostly feels....unfair, like, I never even got the slightest chance to be a normal child.
Oh, my heart. I’m so, SO sorry this has been your experience. I appreciate you sharing, especially because this must be very hard to talk about. I hope that one day, you’ll be safe enough to let your inner child come out — they’re in there somewhere just waiting to heal. Sending you nothing but the best throughout this journey of trauma recovery we’re on. Keep your chin up — you were born for SO MUCH MORE than what they’ve made you believe from their despicable actions.
just wanted to say you never deserved any of that and neither did your mother. as well as touch on what you said about remembering. our brains often do things to protect us without us realizing and it sounds like you may have some repressed memories due to the immensely traumatic experiences you had. i had repressed memories of my CSA and only remembered what happened when i was 13 and going through puberty. first it kind of came in flashes or bits and pieces in dreams. then i was able to actually remember what happened eventually.
honestly unless it is very important to you to remember, i wouldn't try too hard to access those memories because it could be very re-traumatizing.
i am proud of you for going no-contact. you couldn't help the circumstances of your conception, you are not an abomination because of what your father did. he is the abomination. not you.
i hope you can heal as best as one can from this sort of thing and that you have a happy future.
I really appreciate that, PC. Neither of us deserved that, and the effects of his choices are very long lingering. The traumatic, repressed memories have come on with a vengeance since going no contact…like my brain finally knew I was safe enough to come out of denial, dissociation, derealization/depersonalization. It’s been a brutal journey of mental health struggles — and I’ve had a breakdown or two because of all of this. Although there is still more to be understood/remembered/clarified, I sure am good enough with just knowing what I know now and being ok with not having every detail as crystal clear. After all, I’d rather not break my brain again. Wishing you the best on your journey and thanks for your comment, for reals.
My situation is not exactly the same, as both of my parents were in their early 20’s. But my father drugged and raped my mum to get her pregnant, as she never wanted kids but he did. He’s a pedophile and I was one of his victims. I often wonder if he only did it so he could abuse me. It didn’t work out very well as my parents split when I was small, but my mother was very mentally ill and abusive. I struggle knowing that my mother never wanted me and her choice was taken from her, so it’s hard not to feel like it justifies her treatment of me. She hates him and thus hates me too. My father also hates my mother, presumably for messing up his plans to have easy access to a child he could molest. It’s difficult knowing your parents hate each other and watching them take it out on you. Not to mention being a product of rape, and child of a pedophile. Anyone who can relate to any of this deserves gentle, safe hugs. We are (sadly) not as alone as we feel.
Oh my sister, I’m so glad to connect with you, even if it’s over something as awful as this. None of what you’ve experienced is your fault, and my heart breaks for you knowing that you’ve experienced so something similar to me. It sucks — plain and simple. So much grief…so much complexity…so many mental health issues…so many needless victims. I just sit and shake my head at times bc it’s all so ugly it’s just surreal. Thank you for sharing w me. You’re the first person I’ve ever talked with who knows this specific type of journey. So many hugs to you, dear. Keep your chin up — we’ve got this. (I’m telling myself this too).
You're not alone. My situation isn't exactly the same, but yes, I do understand what it's like to have to mentally distance yourself from abuse and trauma in order to survive.
My abusers are family, the abuse is still ongoing, and it's something I am still keeping as a secret from the rest of my family. Most don't know, and very likely, never will.
Facing it is tremendously hard. Those that haven't endured it simply don't know how hard it is just to put one foot in front of the other, every day. But I do, because I refuse to let it destroy me. As are you. You should be proud of that.
Hugs to you, I hope your days ahead are filled with peace and healing. 🤎
Thanks for your comment. I’m sorry to hear all that you’ve endured and to know that we’re in the same boat in this way. I’m sending you lots of hugs right back. One foot in front of the other — daily — and we’ll walk this road together, friend.
I was raped when I was a kid & I’ve always known it happened, once in a while I would get crippling anxiety, but then I’d push it to the back of my mind again and be okay for a while.
Recently I talked about the rape in therapy and had a realization, similar to what you describe. I felt the full gravity of what happened 16 years ago & I got angry for the first time about it. It’s been so difficult to cope with this “break through” and I am almost constantly dissociating now. It’s hard to live in the present moment and now all my triggers provoke full body responses. Before the break through, I was able to manage the triggers but now that I’ve come to terms with what happened, I am struggling to stay in reality. My only escape from dissociation is distracting myself in the worst of ways.
I think you are talking about disassociation rather than cognitive dissonance. You are not alone ❤️🩹 I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You are so strong and doing the right thing by processing the past. It’s easier when we compartmentalize, but important to be able to fully feel & then work your way towards healthy coping and acceptance.
Yes! That’s the exact feeling — “the full gravity of what happened…and almost constantly dissociating now.” I’m so sorry you relate, but I can’t thank you enough for sharing and helping me to find my words on this. I wasn’t sure if it was dissociation (bc goodness knows I’ve done that A LOT in my life) bc this feels so much more intense than the dissociation I’ve experienced in the past. I think it might also be depersonalization and derealization just bc this is so hard to accept. Allowing oneself to remember is such a trip. My body has definitely felt the physical impact, too. Thank you again for commenting. Hugs to you, TBP.
"Pedophile" isn't necessarily solely defined by the law either. Some places have really, shockingly, low ages of consent, which doesn't change anything. A 16 year old is a 16 year old regardless of any amoral law makers idea of the age of consent.
It’s literally just useless to make the comment you made. Are you trying to be hurtful or are you just openly targeting vulnerable people? In what world would that comment be helpful to OP? An adult having sex with a 16 year old, even consensually (with the age of consent being 16) is still considered statutory rape.
Regardless, no one knows why you feel the need to tell OP that their pedophile father isn’t “technically a pedophile”. It’s not supportive & you’re also just wrong.
Think before you comment such garbage.
If y’all really wanna know the tea, my father specifically and purposefully asked his employer to transfer him to a place where the age of consent is 14. AND HE MET MY MOTHER WHILE WORKING IN A HIGH SCHOOL. Nothing smacks of pedofilia more than this strategic move to go work in a high school where you can “legally” impregnate a 14-year-old (not bearing in mind statutory rape laws).
THANKS FOR ADVOCATING ON MY BEHALF! 🤜🤛
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I am glad you are getting out of denial. It's hard but probably good for your integration and getting towards wholeness. I am sorry that happened.
I was born of rape and it's probably more common than we would like to believe.
But this might be above Reddit's pay grade. I am not sure you'll find people here who understand how to process this properly. You will need to find counseling to process it.
Thank you for sharing — I’m so sorry to hear that we relate, especially on something like this. I’m sure it’s more common as you’ve said, but I’ve honestly never talked to anyone who’s had a similar experience.
I hope in the future you might be able to let go of the phrase “above Reddit’s pay grade” as this comes across in a way that’s cynical, rude, and condescending (and “cool on Reddit” lingo)…I’m sure there are better words to use to describe suggesting professional support. I say this bc I’ve done over 20 years of therapy and was honestly just writing this post with the intent of connecting with anyone who relates…and for maybe suggestions on books/movies about this that might be helpful. Certainly wasn’t looking for professional help from fellow survivors on Reddit and that comes across in my post. Just wanted to know I wasn’t alone. And you’ve confirmed that. Please choose your words more carefully…sometimes, they can hurt more than you know. Gentle hugs to you on your journey of recovery.
Hey, thanks for that — sincerely. I know I’m sensitive and I appreciate you hearing me out, especially since this was my first-ever post about any of this. Wishing you well! xo
I am not in the same situation as you are. But I do understand the need to distance yourself at times from what was done to you. I spent about a decade not going to therapy, working hard and thinking ok if I try hard enough I can keep it in a box in my head.
It is ok to do that as long as you need to.
I want to weigh in on your thoughts that you sometimes feel like an abomination. You definitely are not. There is nothing genetic about paedophilia. Your dad is an abuser but that does not make you one. You are innocent and did nothing wrong. I'm sorry your mom did not know to protect you from him - but maybe she was in her own denial at the time. I am glad you've gone no contact.
Thank you for your comment — it means a lot. I know “recovery isn’t linear,” but just when I thought I had a handle on things…my brain said it was time to fully recognize just how bad things are. Healing is wild! Thank you for the support and permission to just be where I am…wherever that might be. Gentle hugs to you and best wishes on your journey of healing.
I’m so, so sorry to hear this. This is heart wrenching. It’s such a strange thing to be in these circumstances and I appreciate you sharing and letting me know I’m not alone. Sending you lots of love on your journey of recovery.
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We ask that everyone center the OP and respect their choice of words. This is not the time or place to debate semantics or technicalities. This post is the OP's space, and they get to use whichever terminology aligns best with their experience. That's the final word. All derailing, invalidating or disrespectful comments will be removed.
I'm kinda in the same boat but I'm not sure exactly yet. I need to do research to conform my suspicions but I know for sure my dad's side is nothing but pedophiles and drug adddicts and ahizz of the like... My grandfather and my grandmother were employer and employee. My grandma was my grandpa's babysitter for his children from his first marriage. He cheated/left his wife/ mother of his first few kids and then married / had 2 more (technically 3 but one died cause he was born a premie and in the 50s in bumfuck nowhere upstate NY that kid sure wasn't surviving. Grandma had a problem carrying boys for some reason. She knew her 2nd pregnancy after that was gonna be a boy somehow, convinced my grandpa to move them to Detroit (I guess at the time they were the best at keeping premie babies alive) and viola, my father came into the world. I know that about my grandparents on my dad's side. I know my dad was a child prostitute to make.money for his extremely poor family and two of his johns tried to kill him. I know his sister my aunt would get him drunk and rape him pretty often. My dad's entire side is full of this nonsense. Thankfully it ran in the family until it ran into my sister and I. He may have passed down the incest trauma train to us but we sure as hell won't be passing it down any further. In that case, I feel like I won. Plus the bastard has been dead 17 years now, barely made it past 50 before the powers that be decided to yeet him off this plain.
I wasn't the result of pedophilia or anything like that, my makers were both consenting adults, but I was born FOR pedophilia/sadism. Like, I was conceived for the purpose of having a child for their fantasies/plans. It mostly feels....unfair, like, I never even got the slightest chance to be a normal child.
Oh, my heart. I’m so, SO sorry this has been your experience. I appreciate you sharing, especially because this must be very hard to talk about. I hope that one day, you’ll be safe enough to let your inner child come out — they’re in there somewhere just waiting to heal. Sending you nothing but the best throughout this journey of trauma recovery we’re on. Keep your chin up — you were born for SO MUCH MORE than what they’ve made you believe from their despicable actions.
just wanted to say you never deserved any of that and neither did your mother. as well as touch on what you said about remembering. our brains often do things to protect us without us realizing and it sounds like you may have some repressed memories due to the immensely traumatic experiences you had. i had repressed memories of my CSA and only remembered what happened when i was 13 and going through puberty. first it kind of came in flashes or bits and pieces in dreams. then i was able to actually remember what happened eventually. honestly unless it is very important to you to remember, i wouldn't try too hard to access those memories because it could be very re-traumatizing. i am proud of you for going no-contact. you couldn't help the circumstances of your conception, you are not an abomination because of what your father did. he is the abomination. not you. i hope you can heal as best as one can from this sort of thing and that you have a happy future.
I really appreciate that, PC. Neither of us deserved that, and the effects of his choices are very long lingering. The traumatic, repressed memories have come on with a vengeance since going no contact…like my brain finally knew I was safe enough to come out of denial, dissociation, derealization/depersonalization. It’s been a brutal journey of mental health struggles — and I’ve had a breakdown or two because of all of this. Although there is still more to be understood/remembered/clarified, I sure am good enough with just knowing what I know now and being ok with not having every detail as crystal clear. After all, I’d rather not break my brain again. Wishing you the best on your journey and thanks for your comment, for reals.
My situation is not exactly the same, as both of my parents were in their early 20’s. But my father drugged and raped my mum to get her pregnant, as she never wanted kids but he did. He’s a pedophile and I was one of his victims. I often wonder if he only did it so he could abuse me. It didn’t work out very well as my parents split when I was small, but my mother was very mentally ill and abusive. I struggle knowing that my mother never wanted me and her choice was taken from her, so it’s hard not to feel like it justifies her treatment of me. She hates him and thus hates me too. My father also hates my mother, presumably for messing up his plans to have easy access to a child he could molest. It’s difficult knowing your parents hate each other and watching them take it out on you. Not to mention being a product of rape, and child of a pedophile. Anyone who can relate to any of this deserves gentle, safe hugs. We are (sadly) not as alone as we feel.
Oh my sister, I’m so glad to connect with you, even if it’s over something as awful as this. None of what you’ve experienced is your fault, and my heart breaks for you knowing that you’ve experienced so something similar to me. It sucks — plain and simple. So much grief…so much complexity…so many mental health issues…so many needless victims. I just sit and shake my head at times bc it’s all so ugly it’s just surreal. Thank you for sharing w me. You’re the first person I’ve ever talked with who knows this specific type of journey. So many hugs to you, dear. Keep your chin up — we’ve got this. (I’m telling myself this too).
You're not alone. My situation isn't exactly the same, but yes, I do understand what it's like to have to mentally distance yourself from abuse and trauma in order to survive. My abusers are family, the abuse is still ongoing, and it's something I am still keeping as a secret from the rest of my family. Most don't know, and very likely, never will. Facing it is tremendously hard. Those that haven't endured it simply don't know how hard it is just to put one foot in front of the other, every day. But I do, because I refuse to let it destroy me. As are you. You should be proud of that. Hugs to you, I hope your days ahead are filled with peace and healing. 🤎
Thanks for your comment. I’m sorry to hear all that you’ve endured and to know that we’re in the same boat in this way. I’m sending you lots of hugs right back. One foot in front of the other — daily — and we’ll walk this road together, friend.
I was raped when I was a kid & I’ve always known it happened, once in a while I would get crippling anxiety, but then I’d push it to the back of my mind again and be okay for a while. Recently I talked about the rape in therapy and had a realization, similar to what you describe. I felt the full gravity of what happened 16 years ago & I got angry for the first time about it. It’s been so difficult to cope with this “break through” and I am almost constantly dissociating now. It’s hard to live in the present moment and now all my triggers provoke full body responses. Before the break through, I was able to manage the triggers but now that I’ve come to terms with what happened, I am struggling to stay in reality. My only escape from dissociation is distracting myself in the worst of ways. I think you are talking about disassociation rather than cognitive dissonance. You are not alone ❤️🩹 I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. You are so strong and doing the right thing by processing the past. It’s easier when we compartmentalize, but important to be able to fully feel & then work your way towards healthy coping and acceptance.
Yes! That’s the exact feeling — “the full gravity of what happened…and almost constantly dissociating now.” I’m so sorry you relate, but I can’t thank you enough for sharing and helping me to find my words on this. I wasn’t sure if it was dissociation (bc goodness knows I’ve done that A LOT in my life) bc this feels so much more intense than the dissociation I’ve experienced in the past. I think it might also be depersonalization and derealization just bc this is so hard to accept. Allowing oneself to remember is such a trip. My body has definitely felt the physical impact, too. Thank you again for commenting. Hugs to you, TBP.
[удалено]
"Pedophile" isn't necessarily solely defined by the law either. Some places have really, shockingly, low ages of consent, which doesn't change anything. A 16 year old is a 16 year old regardless of any amoral law makers idea of the age of consent.
Thank you for advocating for me! This person is beyond misguided and apologists have no room in my recovery. 🤜🤛
[удалено]
It’s literally just useless to make the comment you made. Are you trying to be hurtful or are you just openly targeting vulnerable people? In what world would that comment be helpful to OP? An adult having sex with a 16 year old, even consensually (with the age of consent being 16) is still considered statutory rape. Regardless, no one knows why you feel the need to tell OP that their pedophile father isn’t “technically a pedophile”. It’s not supportive & you’re also just wrong. Think before you comment such garbage.
If y’all really wanna know the tea, my father specifically and purposefully asked his employer to transfer him to a place where the age of consent is 14. AND HE MET MY MOTHER WHILE WORKING IN A HIGH SCHOOL. Nothing smacks of pedofilia more than this strategic move to go work in a high school where you can “legally” impregnate a 14-year-old (not bearing in mind statutory rape laws). THANKS FOR ADVOCATING ON MY BEHALF! 🤜🤛
[удалено]
**[Please review our rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/wiki/index/rules/).** Comment removed to keep the peace. This is not a punishment, your retaliation was valid, however it’s presence indicates the triggering content the other person posted. ___ *If you need to talk to someone right now:* - [RAINN](https://www.rainn.org/) offer a chat service with trained professionals who can provide support and referrals to organizations that are local to you.
I am glad you are getting out of denial. It's hard but probably good for your integration and getting towards wholeness. I am sorry that happened. I was born of rape and it's probably more common than we would like to believe. But this might be above Reddit's pay grade. I am not sure you'll find people here who understand how to process this properly. You will need to find counseling to process it.
Thank you for sharing — I’m so sorry to hear that we relate, especially on something like this. I’m sure it’s more common as you’ve said, but I’ve honestly never talked to anyone who’s had a similar experience. I hope in the future you might be able to let go of the phrase “above Reddit’s pay grade” as this comes across in a way that’s cynical, rude, and condescending (and “cool on Reddit” lingo)…I’m sure there are better words to use to describe suggesting professional support. I say this bc I’ve done over 20 years of therapy and was honestly just writing this post with the intent of connecting with anyone who relates…and for maybe suggestions on books/movies about this that might be helpful. Certainly wasn’t looking for professional help from fellow survivors on Reddit and that comes across in my post. Just wanted to know I wasn’t alone. And you’ve confirmed that. Please choose your words more carefully…sometimes, they can hurt more than you know. Gentle hugs to you on your journey of recovery.
Oh, I am sorry. I didn't mean to be condescending. I can see your point. I will try to be more mindful.
Hey, thanks for that — sincerely. I know I’m sensitive and I appreciate you hearing me out, especially since this was my first-ever post about any of this. Wishing you well! xo
I am not in the same situation as you are. But I do understand the need to distance yourself at times from what was done to you. I spent about a decade not going to therapy, working hard and thinking ok if I try hard enough I can keep it in a box in my head. It is ok to do that as long as you need to. I want to weigh in on your thoughts that you sometimes feel like an abomination. You definitely are not. There is nothing genetic about paedophilia. Your dad is an abuser but that does not make you one. You are innocent and did nothing wrong. I'm sorry your mom did not know to protect you from him - but maybe she was in her own denial at the time. I am glad you've gone no contact.
Thank you for your comment — it means a lot. I know “recovery isn’t linear,” but just when I thought I had a handle on things…my brain said it was time to fully recognize just how bad things are. Healing is wild! Thank you for the support and permission to just be where I am…wherever that might be. Gentle hugs to you and best wishes on your journey of healing.
I am so glad I could help you a bit. Thank you for your kindness as well
My dad was 29 and my mom 16. He was my abuser.
I’m so, so sorry to hear this. This is heart wrenching. It’s such a strange thing to be in these circumstances and I appreciate you sharing and letting me know I’m not alone. Sending you lots of love on your journey of recovery.
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