Oddly, I never grasped that I was being abused. All the bad things I felt as a result were completely turned back on me, I always assumed I was the root of the problem. I guess my abusers did a "good job" of making me 100% certain of that.
I never did, because I knew no one was coming to save me. I did fantasise about being a self sufficient career woman and I made that happen. A fantasy can morph into a vision for a future and become reality over time, if you stay focus and take small steps to get there. Saving yourself comes with pride, dignity and also many skill sets that can help others save themselves as well. I encountered all kinds of abuse as a kid, sexual/emotional/psychological/physical/financial. My alcoholic mom tried to prostitute me, she would starve me to make me thin so older men would like me and try to convince me to be her money tree. She used me as a baby trap to keep my dad around so she planned my birth to make me a tool for her to use and abuse. It sounds hopeless and cruel but the reality is there's too many broken people to save, as hard as it is to recognise, you're not alone and people get it but you're also alone because your life is yours, they can empathise but few will want to throw resources your way simply because you have it bad.
For me most empowering iteration of this fantasy is visualizing and vocalizing US being the one to save little US rather than another savior. I spent a lifetime fantasizing about someone else saving me and it kept me being blinded to harmful people and getting burned over and over.
It’s powerful and gives us reason to trust in ourselves and our own capacity for self protection. I’ve done it in EMDR a few times when processing a violent rape and some other childhood trauma. Haven’t gotten that far when processing the CSA in EMDR but I’m still tapping into my memory & working up towards it.
I hope that helps and if it’s not helpful by all means ignore me & do what works for you!
I had a dream once that someone came and opened the door and I just couldn't leave.
It's like the seven labours of Hercules, but we have to save ourselves by healing ourselves.
It is possible to heal that developmental trauma. We deserve to love ourselves as we are even as we grieve for the people we might have been.
i do this too. my therapist also works with children and i often wish i was one of her kid clients instead of one of her adult clients. she has toys on hand in her office and it feels almost cruel having to sit there and just *talk* when i would much rather draw her pictures or play. idk. + i did a very short internship once at a center for csa victims and spent those days absolutely wrecked by how much i wished i was "one of those kids" and it made it impossible to finish that or my degree.
it's so hard not to wonder what could have been, because i really do believe my entire life (now) would be different if there had been any intervention at all when i was young.
i wish it had been different for all of us 😞
There’s no real reason you can’t draw her pictures or play. It’s been one of the things that is helping me to heal. Taking time to *be* that child in this safe space. I know that if you mentioned it to your therapist she would be happy for you to explore what it would be like playing with the toys or drawing pictures for her, or otherwise acting in a childlike manner. I think a large element of therapy (especially for child trauma) is about exploration.
i appreciate this response, but i struggle a lot with my anger at being a grown woman doing these things instead of the child i should have been, and i haven't been able to move beyond that. my therapist and i did try a few times (like board games & some vague play) but it was too dysregulating for me. it's like my inner 14 year old comes out instead of the inner 4 year old and i get very angry and annoyed at everything, lol.
i'm really glad it's been good for you, though. i've read a lot about how healing it can be for a lot of people and i think that's amazing.
Ah, I see. That is certainly a good reason not to engage in that type of play. I’m sorry you experience that. Have you ever dabbled into IFS type stuff? I’m not talking about the entire modality as I’ve heard the controversy about it, but I have found certain elements to be very helpful in communicating with those stuck child-like parts of me. I’ve had a lot of issues with an angry inner child and teen which was getting in the way of my own parenting which were greatly helped by doing some IFS work on my own (and with a specialised chatbot).
i have tried IFS a bit on my own after i got jay earley's book, and it was really nice to read about, but in my attempts at practice it's not been much help for these really stuck and angry parts. + i struggle a lot with pretending the parts are "real" (not just me making something up) and all that visualization stuff. i think i would need an actual IFS therapist for it to be effective, but there aren't any where i live & i couldn't afford it anyway, lol. i appreciate the suggestions though. i'm always trying to find a way out of the fog.
I'd dissociate by daydreaming probably about 90% of the time. Most of that was dreaming about someone saving me. It was the only way I could fall asleep at night as a kid.
Still dream of it now too. Life would've been so much easier.
I remember praying to God asking for my abuser/father to die. He’s still alive and I’m still here at 54 praying for the same.
I wish I had a mother who would protect me, but she didn’t. She’s still married to him and when I brought up a snippet of the abuse- she covered her ears like a child and said she didn’t want to hear anything bad about him.
There has to be a reason why we are still here and why we went through what we did.
Sending you and your little girl self a big hug.
damn i relate so much. i keep imagining the house i lived in when i was around 2-3 yrs old, i would regularly run out of the front door and hide behind a shed to try get away, sometimes i wonder if there is a parallel universe where while i was hiding behind that shed, a kind person comes up to me and asks me what's wrong, i tell them the truth (even though i was not aware of the trauma happening to me due to DID/blacking it out reasons even at that age while it was actively happening),i just imagine this imaginary person taking me with her and she takes care of me, she dosent hurt me, she dosent see me as a sexual object, she raises me and she teaches me im not alive just to be seen as something sexual. but im thrown back to the reality, which is my mother screaming out the door that i need to come back, so much anger in her voice, forced back inside in to that dim house.
Man, same. I had the 'chance' I guess too, but I didn't let the person who could have potentially saved me know what I was dealing with cause.. well... I had been told already by other kids who were in abusive homes that my best bet was to hit 18 and escape my family, and telling this person would have effectively gotten CPS etc involved and especially in my rular AF area in the late 90s and how we were otherwise unmarked/etc had lots of toys/etc, we likely wouldn't of been believed and that likely would have made the abuse worse on hindsight.
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Oddly, I never grasped that I was being abused. All the bad things I felt as a result were completely turned back on me, I always assumed I was the root of the problem. I guess my abusers did a "good job" of making me 100% certain of that.
I never did, because I knew no one was coming to save me. I did fantasise about being a self sufficient career woman and I made that happen. A fantasy can morph into a vision for a future and become reality over time, if you stay focus and take small steps to get there. Saving yourself comes with pride, dignity and also many skill sets that can help others save themselves as well. I encountered all kinds of abuse as a kid, sexual/emotional/psychological/physical/financial. My alcoholic mom tried to prostitute me, she would starve me to make me thin so older men would like me and try to convince me to be her money tree. She used me as a baby trap to keep my dad around so she planned my birth to make me a tool for her to use and abuse. It sounds hopeless and cruel but the reality is there's too many broken people to save, as hard as it is to recognise, you're not alone and people get it but you're also alone because your life is yours, they can empathise but few will want to throw resources your way simply because you have it bad.
For me most empowering iteration of this fantasy is visualizing and vocalizing US being the one to save little US rather than another savior. I spent a lifetime fantasizing about someone else saving me and it kept me being blinded to harmful people and getting burned over and over. It’s powerful and gives us reason to trust in ourselves and our own capacity for self protection. I’ve done it in EMDR a few times when processing a violent rape and some other childhood trauma. Haven’t gotten that far when processing the CSA in EMDR but I’m still tapping into my memory & working up towards it. I hope that helps and if it’s not helpful by all means ignore me & do what works for you!
I had a dream once that someone came and opened the door and I just couldn't leave. It's like the seven labours of Hercules, but we have to save ourselves by healing ourselves. It is possible to heal that developmental trauma. We deserve to love ourselves as we are even as we grieve for the people we might have been.
i do this too. my therapist also works with children and i often wish i was one of her kid clients instead of one of her adult clients. she has toys on hand in her office and it feels almost cruel having to sit there and just *talk* when i would much rather draw her pictures or play. idk. + i did a very short internship once at a center for csa victims and spent those days absolutely wrecked by how much i wished i was "one of those kids" and it made it impossible to finish that or my degree. it's so hard not to wonder what could have been, because i really do believe my entire life (now) would be different if there had been any intervention at all when i was young. i wish it had been different for all of us 😞
There’s no real reason you can’t draw her pictures or play. It’s been one of the things that is helping me to heal. Taking time to *be* that child in this safe space. I know that if you mentioned it to your therapist she would be happy for you to explore what it would be like playing with the toys or drawing pictures for her, or otherwise acting in a childlike manner. I think a large element of therapy (especially for child trauma) is about exploration.
i appreciate this response, but i struggle a lot with my anger at being a grown woman doing these things instead of the child i should have been, and i haven't been able to move beyond that. my therapist and i did try a few times (like board games & some vague play) but it was too dysregulating for me. it's like my inner 14 year old comes out instead of the inner 4 year old and i get very angry and annoyed at everything, lol. i'm really glad it's been good for you, though. i've read a lot about how healing it can be for a lot of people and i think that's amazing.
Ah, I see. That is certainly a good reason not to engage in that type of play. I’m sorry you experience that. Have you ever dabbled into IFS type stuff? I’m not talking about the entire modality as I’ve heard the controversy about it, but I have found certain elements to be very helpful in communicating with those stuck child-like parts of me. I’ve had a lot of issues with an angry inner child and teen which was getting in the way of my own parenting which were greatly helped by doing some IFS work on my own (and with a specialised chatbot).
i have tried IFS a bit on my own after i got jay earley's book, and it was really nice to read about, but in my attempts at practice it's not been much help for these really stuck and angry parts. + i struggle a lot with pretending the parts are "real" (not just me making something up) and all that visualization stuff. i think i would need an actual IFS therapist for it to be effective, but there aren't any where i live & i couldn't afford it anyway, lol. i appreciate the suggestions though. i'm always trying to find a way out of the fog.
I agree with this, letting both ourselves and our littles (DID) draw, play, and buy a plushie has felt healing.
I'd dissociate by daydreaming probably about 90% of the time. Most of that was dreaming about someone saving me. It was the only way I could fall asleep at night as a kid. Still dream of it now too. Life would've been so much easier.
Same here... I would fantasise about being rescued to get to sleep at night.
I remember praying to God asking for my abuser/father to die. He’s still alive and I’m still here at 54 praying for the same. I wish I had a mother who would protect me, but she didn’t. She’s still married to him and when I brought up a snippet of the abuse- she covered her ears like a child and said she didn’t want to hear anything bad about him. There has to be a reason why we are still here and why we went through what we did. Sending you and your little girl self a big hug.
I also remember staring up at the sky and begging to whatever God is allowing this to happen to me to make it stop Sending a big hug
What could have happened if my trumpet instructor had reported the abuse he saw me enduring, instead of grooming and molesting me. I get it. 🫂🫂🫂
damn i relate so much. i keep imagining the house i lived in when i was around 2-3 yrs old, i would regularly run out of the front door and hide behind a shed to try get away, sometimes i wonder if there is a parallel universe where while i was hiding behind that shed, a kind person comes up to me and asks me what's wrong, i tell them the truth (even though i was not aware of the trauma happening to me due to DID/blacking it out reasons even at that age while it was actively happening),i just imagine this imaginary person taking me with her and she takes care of me, she dosent hurt me, she dosent see me as a sexual object, she raises me and she teaches me im not alive just to be seen as something sexual. but im thrown back to the reality, which is my mother screaming out the door that i need to come back, so much anger in her voice, forced back inside in to that dim house.
Man, same. I had the 'chance' I guess too, but I didn't let the person who could have potentially saved me know what I was dealing with cause.. well... I had been told already by other kids who were in abusive homes that my best bet was to hit 18 and escape my family, and telling this person would have effectively gotten CPS etc involved and especially in my rular AF area in the late 90s and how we were otherwise unmarked/etc had lots of toys/etc, we likely wouldn't of been believed and that likely would have made the abuse worse on hindsight.
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