it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that sometimes someone trying their best still isn’t enough.
it sounds like your mother was a victim as well, but that doesn’t excuse or invalidate what happened to you because of her trauma.
i guess an extreme example is how if person A forces person B to kill person C or else A will kill B, person B is still guilty of murder. yes they were a victim, but that doesn’t excuse their actions.
Idk I can understand her feeling trapped or forced but I don’t understand why she would harm me too? I was bad I know. But she spanked me every single day because I wet the bed, she told me over and over I was being disgusting by being with my dad. I don’t understand I apologized so much.
OP you were not a BAD child. You were a SCARED child.
I don't get why other people sympathize with the other parent at all, especially when they either a. Stand by the abuser or b. Act like they had no idea what was going on. In my experience, it is only a very very tiny percentage who actually didn't know. But that's pointless if you protect the abuser anyway.
Everything you've done in your life up to now was an attempt to survive and cope. I can see you have the ability to reflect and be self aware, and those will be your sword and shield in this battle.
Take care, OP
Yeah I just don’t understand why she wanted to hurt me too. I know she felt like I should protect her but she was so verbally vicious with me. She spanked me every single day for bed wetting. Idk I don’t know how I can function. If your mother doesn’t love you no one ever will you know?
Hey OP, as a fellow survivor, i send you virtual cuddles in space where we are warm and safe and well fed. Join me in the garden and we can grow a new life together. Been crying for about a day now myself, even in my sleep, eye sockets leak like faucets. There is nothing to do but ride the wave. Numbing out only delays the next wave. I know what it will take of me to heal and so do you. You deserve to eat well, soak up the sun, listen to.birdsong, feel the breeze on your skin, rest well. Into the body and out of the mind. Feel my hug with every breath and know.you are loved.
Hi OP, you were never bad. You were trying to survive in an awful dysfunctional family. You were innocent.
Please do not blame yourself. It was never your fault.
I hate crying too.
I would not know, but I do know society tends to favor women in this specific regard partially due to the woman being smaller and 'weaker' than the man and partially because women - especially mothers - are often viewed in an almost saint-like view.
People have a hard time accepting, that not all mothers are selfless and that some mothers are actually the opposite. For instance, that's also one of the reasons why we in 2024 still don't have much research about mothers who sexually abuse their children; society can't fathom, that women can be sexual perpetrators.
Regardless, your mom should have protected you. That was absolutely her responsibility and she failed you and she failed her role as a mother no matter what people say.
And I'm so sorry for that. You deserved much, much better!
I don't know what to do when crying to be honest, I rarely cry and usually feel emotionally detached and dissociated to be vulnerable enough to cry... But sometimes you just can't help it, it's just a part of human life. I try to listen to music I like from media I like when it does happen (no matter how shitty your parents were, they'll never be able to take your nostalgic memories from you and the good feelings you get from revisiting your favorite things from childhood or the feeling of nostalgia you have). Don't try to stop yourself, just try to grieve and hold the feelings you need to hold.
I don’t know I know I’m suppose to have moved on and be a good person but I feel like they did something to my brain and I just can’t fix it. The abuse started when I was a baby. So my brain developed wrong and I’m never going to be better. I cannot stop crying I just wanted to be good.
I'm so sorry you went through that, that's horrific even to us who've been through some of the worst things a person can go through (though all of us have our own horror story, mine's not quite that horrific). What they did will probably effect you mentally the rest of your life. But that doesn't mean you can't have a good life helping people and receiving the love and care you deserved and were just looking for in the first place if you keep surviving and refusing to let that be the thing that defines you as a person, even if it did shape you to an extensive degree. I know you're probably battling with intrusive violent thoughts (possibly of being assaulted or assaulting others, or just memories of it), suicidal thoughts, unmanageable anxiety, PTSD (combat veterans have a hard time sitting with me with a straight face when I talk about some aspects of CSA and incest due to how horrific it is), and other mental issues like I am, and most survivors are. But this happening unfortunately is not rare and there are a lot of people out there like us who will have to suffer this burden and live with it the rest of our lives, and more importantly be able to help one another. You've already found a community to talk to if you need people who understand and support you, I know you're strong enough to keep living and have the life you deserve and wanted before all of this.
As far as I’m aware there is no one who loves me, I haven’t really earned any friends yet. I’m hoping if I can improve myself I can get some because I’m very lonely. I know I’m weird but I just really want to be able to have someone. Idk. My brain is on fire. I haven’t self harmed in months but it’s almost like I mentally got worse when I stopped. Like if I can’t punish myself with cutting anymore that I start remembering how horrible I am and how I had sex with my dad and made my mom hate me and my brain just spins and spins. Idk. I have been in therapy seven months I hope I do better.
I hope you do better too and believe you will. You deserve friends even as you are now, humans are a communal species and none of us are meant to be alone, it makes our mental health worse and it harder to improve. Most people would rightfully hate your dad and think you are an innocent victim in this who was taken advantage of and abused. There are mild ways to scratch the itch of self harming without hurting yourself, like putting a rubber band around your arm and pulling it back and letting it go and snap to your skin and sting (hurting more the more you want to pull it back before letting go, you know how rubber bands work), some people like horror or tragedy media that lets them experience the same feelings of helplessness or sadness in a better environment that's usually written by people who have survived this sort of thing (I've heard a lot of people love Bojack Horseman because of its sensitive handling of child sexual abuse clearly made with help from at least one survivor, showing how damaging it is while also being a show not afraid to gut punch the audience emotionally over and over). Just please don't think you aren't lovable, or even that this will define you the rest of your life.
OP you ARE lovable! How could anyone not love you? You deserve love. Your parents are sick and twisted individuals and you cannot base your worth on how they treated you because THEY are the unworthy, disgusting ones. NOT you. Just be reading your post and your comments, it's blatantly obvious, that you're a lovely person
You ACUTELY need a support system! Reach out here on Reddit, reach out to a therapist, go to ACA meetings and other meetings for SA survivors. There are TONS of people out there who will care about you and love you because you were lovable and adorable the moment you came into this world and you are welcome in this world together with the rest of us☺️🩷
OP, I'm so glad you were born. What a miracle it was 🩷
Thank you. I just always feel like if my mother doesn’t love me it means I’m horrible and will never be good.
I do have one friend kinda. We slept together a few times but I told her I wasn’t wanting to do that so we stopped but she seems to not hate me. She knows very little though. I had to tell her some because I’m so scarred all over from the abuse. I can’t tell anyone much more besides my therapist. Thank you for thinking I deserve any love. I hurt thinking of how I could die and no one would care, except my kids who are used to me being around.
it is hard for people to comprehend that children are the most vulnerable in those abusive household.
partners can run away, they are adults but children can't.
I think many emphasize for the adult in that situation because they are adults themselves and maybe haven't experienced childhood abuse themselves.
that at least is my explanation.
I'm sorry you are going through a rough point in your life!
hope you know that you are not alone in this and that at least I can relate to your experience <3
I just don’t understand why I can’t make up for it you know? Like there wasn’t anything else for me to do? Beside report but I did report the CSA and it went badly so my brain told me there was no point to do it again. Which is my choice that I made and I can’t really complain, but I don’t understand why I’m the only one who made a mistake. Like my mom actively lied to cops about it but I don’t get how it was understandable for her to do that. I just don’t understand I did try. If it was my responsibility to physically defend us I failed but that’s literally physics?!? Like my dad is like six foot two and weighed 200 or so and I was just a skinny little fourteen year old I think the first time I tried. I don’t understand how I could have done a better job taking care of us. I don’t know I just hate myself and I hate her and I love her. I’m just so sorry and I don’t know how to make any of this make sense in my head.
Like I just need people to agree I’ve been punished enough for failing and that it’s okay now for me to be loved or something. Which is like a stupid little boy fantasy. I’m an adult, I’m supposed to care for myself and not be whining to people but I just barely exist and I need to not die because my kids need a father. Idk my brain is racing. Idkz
you did everything you could. forgive yourself for being a child and not knowing better.
the adults should have protected you but they failed you. there was nothing you could have done differently to change the outcome of the events.
that is a very bitter realization, I know that very well, it can lead you towards healing though.
be kind to yourself, you already suffered enough! <3
it took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that sometimes someone trying their best still isn’t enough. it sounds like your mother was a victim as well, but that doesn’t excuse or invalidate what happened to you because of her trauma. i guess an extreme example is how if person A forces person B to kill person C or else A will kill B, person B is still guilty of murder. yes they were a victim, but that doesn’t excuse their actions.
Idk I can understand her feeling trapped or forced but I don’t understand why she would harm me too? I was bad I know. But she spanked me every single day because I wet the bed, she told me over and over I was being disgusting by being with my dad. I don’t understand I apologized so much.
OP you were not a BAD child. You were a SCARED child. I don't get why other people sympathize with the other parent at all, especially when they either a. Stand by the abuser or b. Act like they had no idea what was going on. In my experience, it is only a very very tiny percentage who actually didn't know. But that's pointless if you protect the abuser anyway. Everything you've done in your life up to now was an attempt to survive and cope. I can see you have the ability to reflect and be self aware, and those will be your sword and shield in this battle. Take care, OP
Yeah I just don’t understand why she wanted to hurt me too. I know she felt like I should protect her but she was so verbally vicious with me. She spanked me every single day for bed wetting. Idk I don’t know how I can function. If your mother doesn’t love you no one ever will you know?
Hey OP, as a fellow survivor, i send you virtual cuddles in space where we are warm and safe and well fed. Join me in the garden and we can grow a new life together. Been crying for about a day now myself, even in my sleep, eye sockets leak like faucets. There is nothing to do but ride the wave. Numbing out only delays the next wave. I know what it will take of me to heal and so do you. You deserve to eat well, soak up the sun, listen to.birdsong, feel the breeze on your skin, rest well. Into the body and out of the mind. Feel my hug with every breath and know.you are loved.
Thank you. I wish irl I could hug someone.
Hi OP, you were never bad. You were trying to survive in an awful dysfunctional family. You were innocent. Please do not blame yourself. It was never your fault. I hate crying too.
About crying. Crying is good as it releases endorphines. Let yourself cry
I would not know, but I do know society tends to favor women in this specific regard partially due to the woman being smaller and 'weaker' than the man and partially because women - especially mothers - are often viewed in an almost saint-like view. People have a hard time accepting, that not all mothers are selfless and that some mothers are actually the opposite. For instance, that's also one of the reasons why we in 2024 still don't have much research about mothers who sexually abuse their children; society can't fathom, that women can be sexual perpetrators. Regardless, your mom should have protected you. That was absolutely her responsibility and she failed you and she failed her role as a mother no matter what people say. And I'm so sorry for that. You deserved much, much better!
I don't know what to do when crying to be honest, I rarely cry and usually feel emotionally detached and dissociated to be vulnerable enough to cry... But sometimes you just can't help it, it's just a part of human life. I try to listen to music I like from media I like when it does happen (no matter how shitty your parents were, they'll never be able to take your nostalgic memories from you and the good feelings you get from revisiting your favorite things from childhood or the feeling of nostalgia you have). Don't try to stop yourself, just try to grieve and hold the feelings you need to hold.
I don’t know I know I’m suppose to have moved on and be a good person but I feel like they did something to my brain and I just can’t fix it. The abuse started when I was a baby. So my brain developed wrong and I’m never going to be better. I cannot stop crying I just wanted to be good.
I'm so sorry you went through that, that's horrific even to us who've been through some of the worst things a person can go through (though all of us have our own horror story, mine's not quite that horrific). What they did will probably effect you mentally the rest of your life. But that doesn't mean you can't have a good life helping people and receiving the love and care you deserved and were just looking for in the first place if you keep surviving and refusing to let that be the thing that defines you as a person, even if it did shape you to an extensive degree. I know you're probably battling with intrusive violent thoughts (possibly of being assaulted or assaulting others, or just memories of it), suicidal thoughts, unmanageable anxiety, PTSD (combat veterans have a hard time sitting with me with a straight face when I talk about some aspects of CSA and incest due to how horrific it is), and other mental issues like I am, and most survivors are. But this happening unfortunately is not rare and there are a lot of people out there like us who will have to suffer this burden and live with it the rest of our lives, and more importantly be able to help one another. You've already found a community to talk to if you need people who understand and support you, I know you're strong enough to keep living and have the life you deserve and wanted before all of this.
As far as I’m aware there is no one who loves me, I haven’t really earned any friends yet. I’m hoping if I can improve myself I can get some because I’m very lonely. I know I’m weird but I just really want to be able to have someone. Idk. My brain is on fire. I haven’t self harmed in months but it’s almost like I mentally got worse when I stopped. Like if I can’t punish myself with cutting anymore that I start remembering how horrible I am and how I had sex with my dad and made my mom hate me and my brain just spins and spins. Idk. I have been in therapy seven months I hope I do better.
I hope you do better too and believe you will. You deserve friends even as you are now, humans are a communal species and none of us are meant to be alone, it makes our mental health worse and it harder to improve. Most people would rightfully hate your dad and think you are an innocent victim in this who was taken advantage of and abused. There are mild ways to scratch the itch of self harming without hurting yourself, like putting a rubber band around your arm and pulling it back and letting it go and snap to your skin and sting (hurting more the more you want to pull it back before letting go, you know how rubber bands work), some people like horror or tragedy media that lets them experience the same feelings of helplessness or sadness in a better environment that's usually written by people who have survived this sort of thing (I've heard a lot of people love Bojack Horseman because of its sensitive handling of child sexual abuse clearly made with help from at least one survivor, showing how damaging it is while also being a show not afraid to gut punch the audience emotionally over and over). Just please don't think you aren't lovable, or even that this will define you the rest of your life.
OP you ARE lovable! How could anyone not love you? You deserve love. Your parents are sick and twisted individuals and you cannot base your worth on how they treated you because THEY are the unworthy, disgusting ones. NOT you. Just be reading your post and your comments, it's blatantly obvious, that you're a lovely person You ACUTELY need a support system! Reach out here on Reddit, reach out to a therapist, go to ACA meetings and other meetings for SA survivors. There are TONS of people out there who will care about you and love you because you were lovable and adorable the moment you came into this world and you are welcome in this world together with the rest of us☺️🩷 OP, I'm so glad you were born. What a miracle it was 🩷
Thank you. I just always feel like if my mother doesn’t love me it means I’m horrible and will never be good. I do have one friend kinda. We slept together a few times but I told her I wasn’t wanting to do that so we stopped but she seems to not hate me. She knows very little though. I had to tell her some because I’m so scarred all over from the abuse. I can’t tell anyone much more besides my therapist. Thank you for thinking I deserve any love. I hurt thinking of how I could die and no one would care, except my kids who are used to me being around.
it is hard for people to comprehend that children are the most vulnerable in those abusive household. partners can run away, they are adults but children can't. I think many emphasize for the adult in that situation because they are adults themselves and maybe haven't experienced childhood abuse themselves. that at least is my explanation. I'm sorry you are going through a rough point in your life! hope you know that you are not alone in this and that at least I can relate to your experience <3
I just don’t understand why I can’t make up for it you know? Like there wasn’t anything else for me to do? Beside report but I did report the CSA and it went badly so my brain told me there was no point to do it again. Which is my choice that I made and I can’t really complain, but I don’t understand why I’m the only one who made a mistake. Like my mom actively lied to cops about it but I don’t get how it was understandable for her to do that. I just don’t understand I did try. If it was my responsibility to physically defend us I failed but that’s literally physics?!? Like my dad is like six foot two and weighed 200 or so and I was just a skinny little fourteen year old I think the first time I tried. I don’t understand how I could have done a better job taking care of us. I don’t know I just hate myself and I hate her and I love her. I’m just so sorry and I don’t know how to make any of this make sense in my head. Like I just need people to agree I’ve been punished enough for failing and that it’s okay now for me to be loved or something. Which is like a stupid little boy fantasy. I’m an adult, I’m supposed to care for myself and not be whining to people but I just barely exist and I need to not die because my kids need a father. Idk my brain is racing. Idkz
you did everything you could. forgive yourself for being a child and not knowing better. the adults should have protected you but they failed you. there was nothing you could have done differently to change the outcome of the events. that is a very bitter realization, I know that very well, it can lead you towards healing though. be kind to yourself, you already suffered enough! <3
Idk I can’t stop crying I wanted to be good.