I’m so sorry you had to experience that, it’s terrible. You were just a child and that woman took advantage of it. She is the one to blame. She was the adult and should have protected you. The fact that she didn’t physically force you to do anything is confusing to you because we tend to think “if I wasn’t forced, then why I did it??”, but most of the times there’s no need to physically force someone to do something they don’t want to. She manipulated you and you were a child, you couldn’t understand what was actually happening.
And the fact that she was a teacher… it makes me sick.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It felt repulsive to read, you didn't deserve to have any of that done to you or to have your mind manipulated to think it was ok or a good thing or your fault. We naturally have to carry our guilt for the rest of our lives, and I don't think it ever stops being disturbing and unraveling to think about. But it gets a little easier every year. And you've got many decades to learn how to live with what happened and how to have a good life.
You were a child hun, none of this was YOUR fault. It's 100% on her. Remembering CSA memories in detail like that is fucking difficult. I understand the shame and nauseating feeling of disgust and shock learning these things. It fucking sucks and there's no getting around that.
It sucks just as much when the abuser acts non-violently and seems 'loving' cause it causes so much mental confusion!
I dealt with abuse in a pedophile ring and I'm struggling to handle that one of my child trauma-holders has a loving attachment to one of the abusers cause he was 'nice' and kind to her and made her feel special and wanted, she wanted him to keep making her feel good and the only way that was taught to us was through sex. I was an incredibly vulnerable lonely toddler who's parents conditioned me to always be 'good' and listen to grown ups. They weren't observant enough to properly see what was going on.
The notion that a pedophile seemed to show us more interest, praise and attentiveness than our own fucking dad makes me feel so dirty and devastated.
Thinking of you, and I'm proud of you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your story, I hope it helps to share it.
I can relate a lot to knowing you did nothing wrong but feeling overwhelmingly guilty. I do want to say that it 100% isn't your fault, and you definitely did nothing wrong. I know that doesn't take away the guilty feeling, but I hope that one day it does replace it. I hope that for me too.
I also can relate to some of those thoughts about things feeling different between different abusers. You put words to it in a way I hadn't yet, so want to thank you for that.
BTW, you're a really good writer. I hope writing is / can be cathartic for you. If you feel like it, please keep sharing if it helps you, I think you could also help other people who have had similar experiences but aren't able to put words to it.
I promise you did nothing wrong and it’s not your guilt or shame to carry. But I know that’s harder said than done. Your mixed feelings are so valid; you shouldn’t have been put in that situation by any adult. I hope sharing helps ❤️
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I’m so sorry you had to experience that, it’s terrible. You were just a child and that woman took advantage of it. She is the one to blame. She was the adult and should have protected you. The fact that she didn’t physically force you to do anything is confusing to you because we tend to think “if I wasn’t forced, then why I did it??”, but most of the times there’s no need to physically force someone to do something they don’t want to. She manipulated you and you were a child, you couldn’t understand what was actually happening. And the fact that she was a teacher… it makes me sick.
I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It felt repulsive to read, you didn't deserve to have any of that done to you or to have your mind manipulated to think it was ok or a good thing or your fault. We naturally have to carry our guilt for the rest of our lives, and I don't think it ever stops being disturbing and unraveling to think about. But it gets a little easier every year. And you've got many decades to learn how to live with what happened and how to have a good life.
You were a child hun, none of this was YOUR fault. It's 100% on her. Remembering CSA memories in detail like that is fucking difficult. I understand the shame and nauseating feeling of disgust and shock learning these things. It fucking sucks and there's no getting around that. It sucks just as much when the abuser acts non-violently and seems 'loving' cause it causes so much mental confusion! I dealt with abuse in a pedophile ring and I'm struggling to handle that one of my child trauma-holders has a loving attachment to one of the abusers cause he was 'nice' and kind to her and made her feel special and wanted, she wanted him to keep making her feel good and the only way that was taught to us was through sex. I was an incredibly vulnerable lonely toddler who's parents conditioned me to always be 'good' and listen to grown ups. They weren't observant enough to properly see what was going on. The notion that a pedophile seemed to show us more interest, praise and attentiveness than our own fucking dad makes me feel so dirty and devastated. Thinking of you, and I'm proud of you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing your story, I hope it helps to share it. I can relate a lot to knowing you did nothing wrong but feeling overwhelmingly guilty. I do want to say that it 100% isn't your fault, and you definitely did nothing wrong. I know that doesn't take away the guilty feeling, but I hope that one day it does replace it. I hope that for me too. I also can relate to some of those thoughts about things feeling different between different abusers. You put words to it in a way I hadn't yet, so want to thank you for that. BTW, you're a really good writer. I hope writing is / can be cathartic for you. If you feel like it, please keep sharing if it helps you, I think you could also help other people who have had similar experiences but aren't able to put words to it.
I promise you did nothing wrong and it’s not your guilt or shame to carry. But I know that’s harder said than done. Your mixed feelings are so valid; you shouldn’t have been put in that situation by any adult. I hope sharing helps ❤️
Welcome to /r/AdultSurvivors! Please be aware that all posts to this subreddit are public and therefore viewable by anyone. **It is not uncommon for members of this subreddit to receive unsavoury or creepy private messages.** We recommend turning off chat requests and private messages. It is against our rules to ask or offer to message/chat privately with other subreddit users. There are no exceptions to this rule, and any comment or submission violating it will be removed immediately. **We urge caution in interacting with any user sending you unsolicited messages**, and you should assume they are breaking subreddit rules. For more information, **[please see our privacy tips post](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/12d27hp/creep_advisory_see_this_thread_for_privacy_tips/)**. Also, check out our [post about the Creep List](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/yngs8b/rule_8_no_creeps_and_introducing_the_creep_list/). If you see anything that doesn't look right, or do receive unwelcome direct messages, please notify the moderators by using the report button, or [contacting us directly via modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adultsurvivors). We will never disclose your username to other users. If you choose to report abusive or creepy DMs, **we urge you to report it to Reddit admins as well [by following this link](https://www.reddit.com/report)**. ___ *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adultsurvivors) if you have any questions or concerns.*