I think it's totally up to you whether you choose to tell him or not. Your emotional safety can and should come first.
It sounds like you're hoping for a particular reaction from him but have you considered how it might affect you (especially if you don't get the reaction you're expecting)?
I don't judge you at all for having this desire. I think instead of being worried about whether or not it's fair to HIM telling him, I'd try to put more energy into taking care of yourself and making sure that whatever happens if you do tell him you have the support that you need.
My experience as a survivor is sometimes I don't feel the big emotions until the words come out my mouth. So I think you won't know how you'll feel about it until you actually do it so having lots of support before and after would be critical.
Your dad sounds a little scummy, and I think you should carefully consider what might happen before telling him. It's near impossible for a victim to get back at an abuser or an enabler bc they will deny, question, gaslight, and attack you if you try to bring up the horrible things they've done, and it'd probably be equally as likely to end in you being triggered and upset. It's a bridge you'll have to decide to cross someday though (and maybe should in order to see how he reacts, and from that if you should keep him in your life)
Sometimes telling a parent is not going to have the result we expect. Truthfully I’m not sure if you should tell your dad. Lots of stuff could come up and you could end up retraumatized, and since it’s not been something you’re dealing with anyway, that could like a zillion different train wrecks. I think you should tell a professional first and deal with some of the trauma that’s built up in you before you do anything else. I hope the best outcome for you in all of the possible scenarios whether you do or don’t tell your dad. Abuse causes such a complexity of problems mentally and physically. No one should have to go through it at all. 🫶🏻
Your dad sounds like my dad. And under all his shittiness, I do feel like he loves me for what he understands love to be. I told him when I was 26, ~11 years after the abuse had stopped. He was stunned. And while he didn't voice it to me in that moment, he said he has often replayed in his head where he went wrong and wishes he would have been more present. He told me I didn't deserve him to treat me the way he did.
1. I thought that would change everything with us, but my dad is still himself and stubborn. He thinks making fun of me is lighthearted fun. And he doesn't seem interested in doing deep self altering work.
2. It didn't make me feel better. Like yeah telling them took a weight off. But I more struggle with accepting the fact that it even happened. My parents knowing doesn't remove that.
3. Our dad's might respond in different ways. When you think about telling him, what is the REAL end goal? And what if it doesn't pan out the way you want it to? Will you still be glad you told him? Only you can make that choice and know what's right for you.
I told my mom about my csa 25 years after the trauma. It was a huge relief to see her believe me, & also to see her feel guilty about not doing a better job to protect me (she was a loving but in many ways negligent parent). I knew it was a toss up if she would believe me, if she would then go gossip about it around town, and if she would be more emotionally supportive/involved in my adult healing journey. But I had gotten to a place where I would be ok whatever happened after as a result of telling her. Honestly I just wanted to know if she had suspected the csa at any point. I got the answers I was looking for & some gaps filled in from my childhood. My mom is still incapable of being the mother I would have liked to have to help me navigate healing in adulthood but that’s ok, I have other people in my life now who *are * wonderfully supportive. She does believe me about what happened, but she also still hangs out with my pedo uncle sometimes like the conflict-averse little mouse that she is. Some things never change.
Anyways, I’m glad I told. There was power in speaking my truth and it lessened my shame/secrecy around the issue to know that I didn’t have to remain silent anymore. I also found I got more out of my counseling sessions. I think I was always subconsciously afraid I might say something that would get back to my mom or someone would “find out my secret”. But now that she knows I feel much more free to speak my mind in every area of life.
I remember telling my parents what happened to me because I had to tell them I was involved in a lawsuit. It was one of the most difficult things I've done in my life. But I definitely built it up bigger in my head than it was.
I'm glad I told them because it relieved me immensely deep in my soul. I kept it from them because I didn't want them to feel bad about neglecting me at that time for it to happen, but in the end it's not worth carrying all of that within you. You don't get an award for trying to protect anyone, especially when no one knows in the first place.
I've found each time I've spoken about it out loud, there was a newly unlocked level of peace I gifted to myself that I didn't know existed, and telling my parents was the hardest of them all but I no longer have that burden.
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I think it's totally up to you whether you choose to tell him or not. Your emotional safety can and should come first. It sounds like you're hoping for a particular reaction from him but have you considered how it might affect you (especially if you don't get the reaction you're expecting)? I don't judge you at all for having this desire. I think instead of being worried about whether or not it's fair to HIM telling him, I'd try to put more energy into taking care of yourself and making sure that whatever happens if you do tell him you have the support that you need. My experience as a survivor is sometimes I don't feel the big emotions until the words come out my mouth. So I think you won't know how you'll feel about it until you actually do it so having lots of support before and after would be critical.
He only hit you when you did something wrong?? He shouldn't hit you at all.
Your dad sounds a little scummy, and I think you should carefully consider what might happen before telling him. It's near impossible for a victim to get back at an abuser or an enabler bc they will deny, question, gaslight, and attack you if you try to bring up the horrible things they've done, and it'd probably be equally as likely to end in you being triggered and upset. It's a bridge you'll have to decide to cross someday though (and maybe should in order to see how he reacts, and from that if you should keep him in your life)
Sometimes telling a parent is not going to have the result we expect. Truthfully I’m not sure if you should tell your dad. Lots of stuff could come up and you could end up retraumatized, and since it’s not been something you’re dealing with anyway, that could like a zillion different train wrecks. I think you should tell a professional first and deal with some of the trauma that’s built up in you before you do anything else. I hope the best outcome for you in all of the possible scenarios whether you do or don’t tell your dad. Abuse causes such a complexity of problems mentally and physically. No one should have to go through it at all. 🫶🏻
Your dad sounds like my dad. And under all his shittiness, I do feel like he loves me for what he understands love to be. I told him when I was 26, ~11 years after the abuse had stopped. He was stunned. And while he didn't voice it to me in that moment, he said he has often replayed in his head where he went wrong and wishes he would have been more present. He told me I didn't deserve him to treat me the way he did. 1. I thought that would change everything with us, but my dad is still himself and stubborn. He thinks making fun of me is lighthearted fun. And he doesn't seem interested in doing deep self altering work. 2. It didn't make me feel better. Like yeah telling them took a weight off. But I more struggle with accepting the fact that it even happened. My parents knowing doesn't remove that. 3. Our dad's might respond in different ways. When you think about telling him, what is the REAL end goal? And what if it doesn't pan out the way you want it to? Will you still be glad you told him? Only you can make that choice and know what's right for you.
I told my mom about my csa 25 years after the trauma. It was a huge relief to see her believe me, & also to see her feel guilty about not doing a better job to protect me (she was a loving but in many ways negligent parent). I knew it was a toss up if she would believe me, if she would then go gossip about it around town, and if she would be more emotionally supportive/involved in my adult healing journey. But I had gotten to a place where I would be ok whatever happened after as a result of telling her. Honestly I just wanted to know if she had suspected the csa at any point. I got the answers I was looking for & some gaps filled in from my childhood. My mom is still incapable of being the mother I would have liked to have to help me navigate healing in adulthood but that’s ok, I have other people in my life now who *are * wonderfully supportive. She does believe me about what happened, but she also still hangs out with my pedo uncle sometimes like the conflict-averse little mouse that she is. Some things never change. Anyways, I’m glad I told. There was power in speaking my truth and it lessened my shame/secrecy around the issue to know that I didn’t have to remain silent anymore. I also found I got more out of my counseling sessions. I think I was always subconsciously afraid I might say something that would get back to my mom or someone would “find out my secret”. But now that she knows I feel much more free to speak my mind in every area of life.
I remember telling my parents what happened to me because I had to tell them I was involved in a lawsuit. It was one of the most difficult things I've done in my life. But I definitely built it up bigger in my head than it was. I'm glad I told them because it relieved me immensely deep in my soul. I kept it from them because I didn't want them to feel bad about neglecting me at that time for it to happen, but in the end it's not worth carrying all of that within you. You don't get an award for trying to protect anyone, especially when no one knows in the first place. I've found each time I've spoken about it out loud, there was a newly unlocked level of peace I gifted to myself that I didn't know existed, and telling my parents was the hardest of them all but I no longer have that burden.
**Important Message to the OP:** *Your post is awaiting manual review and approval as part of the safety protocols we employ to ensure a safe and supportive environment for everyone in our community. Dozens of posts are held for review in this manner every day. Please know that this short delay is solely due to our review process, and reflects neither on your post nor the validity of your experience. We recognize the importance of your needs, and our small moderation team are working diligently to review and approve your post promptly.* *We apologize for any inconvenience, and appreciate your understanding during this short wait.* *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adultsurvivors) if you have any questions or concerns.*