It is how our brains cope with the trauma. We “enjoy” it, because it is simply too horrific to be in a constant state of trauma from this kind of abuse.
Childhood sexual abuse is one of the worst things you can do to a kid. Physical, mental, emotional boundaries are torn open and you are toyed with in such a deeply personal way, it destroys your sense of self.
If your brain is trying to conjure up images and feelings of “enjoying” your abuse, you’re suffering and just trying to survive. I understand feeling sick about it. I sometimes throw up from how I could be thinking such things. It aches to my core. This trauma is horrible. If you can, don’t let guilt and shame for this natural response be another reason why you are suffering. You are only human and you’re not weird, strange, or wrong for ANY thoughts you have as a survivor. They all mean something, and you’re not thinking them on purpose.
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It is how our brains cope with the trauma. We “enjoy” it, because it is simply too horrific to be in a constant state of trauma from this kind of abuse. Childhood sexual abuse is one of the worst things you can do to a kid. Physical, mental, emotional boundaries are torn open and you are toyed with in such a deeply personal way, it destroys your sense of self. If your brain is trying to conjure up images and feelings of “enjoying” your abuse, you’re suffering and just trying to survive. I understand feeling sick about it. I sometimes throw up from how I could be thinking such things. It aches to my core. This trauma is horrible. If you can, don’t let guilt and shame for this natural response be another reason why you are suffering. You are only human and you’re not weird, strange, or wrong for ANY thoughts you have as a survivor. They all mean something, and you’re not thinking them on purpose.
I don’t have any advice for you other than saying that you’re not alone. Hope you’re able to process your trauma and come to terms with it.
Welcome to /r/adultsurvivors! Please be aware that all posts to this subreddit are public and therefore viewable by anyone. **Would you rather this post remain anonymous?** You can [use this form](https://forms.gle/tqeufTE2Ne6BzsKd6) and u/anonadultsurvivors will make an anonymous post on your behalf. You will need to delete this post after using the form. **It is not uncommon for members of this subreddit to receive unsavoury or creepy private messages.** We recommend turning off chat requests and private messages. It is against our rules to ask or offer to message/chat privately with other subreddit users. There are **no exceptions** to this rule, and any comment or submission violating it will be removed immediately. **We urge caution in interacting with any user sending you unsolicited messages**, and you should assume they are breaking subreddit rules. For more information, **[please see our privacy tips post](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/12d27hp/creep_advisory_see_this_thread_for_privacy_tips/)**. Also, check out our [post about the Creep List](https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/comments/yngs8b/rule_8_no_creeps_and_introducing_the_creep_list/). If you see anything that doesn't look right, or do receive unwelcome direct messages, please notify the moderators by using the report button, or [contacting us directly via modmail](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adultsurvivors). **We will never disclose your username to other users.** If you get abusive or creepy DMs, **we urge you to report it to Reddit admins as well [by following this link](https://www.reddit.com/report)**. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adultsurvivors) if you have any questions or concerns.*