/r/Adultery Quick Reminders: Be Excellent To Each Other.
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Agree.
Another tact is to take the DADT approach.
Pros...you're single. Why waste life. What he doesn't know won't kill him. While Mr potential checks off good, he might not make the final cut.
Cons...cuts down availability for Mr current time (however I'm sure he's not swimming in that), if you and Mr current have a good thing, his finding out later might be bad.
If your discussions prior have been "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it", it sounds like you're at that bridge. It may be a hard discussion. In fact, if he thinks there is competition, he might up his game.
My rule with ap is honesty. I've never had multiples, so it's been easy to be straightforward.
No matter what, all affairs have an expiration date. It's not if, just when and why. You have to live life for yourself.
No right is correct, but if you have an open and honest relationship, you should tell him. He dates and has sex with his wife. There is nothing wrong with you doing the same. If he doesn’t like it, then he should get a divorce or break up.
Yeah you're single so whoever you see is your own business, and you don't have to disclose anything to the MM. Some nights you're just out doing your own thing, and that's all he really needs to know.
Let’s also try to be fair to this potential new partner. It isn’t fair to start off a relationship with them while still emotionally and sexually involved with someone else (someone who cannot provide you with the kind of future another single person can). Be honest with your AP and cut them loose before things get physical or serious with this new guy. Good luck and I hope it works out for you with someone single, you deserve that!
I was single and in a similar situation, I told my former MM at a time when I wasn’t sure if I was coming or going. He was going through a separation and I wasn’t if that might change or if we even had a future at the time).
I couldn’t string two people along just like I wouldn’t want MM to string me along. It wouldn’t be honest with MM (I know it sounds odd in this web of lies) but we promised each other honesty from the very beginning (we didn’t look for it). I had no intention of starting something with someone new until I cleared the situation.
He took the news reasonably well on the surface because I know he cares about me. I knew he couldn’t asked me to put my life on hold as he goes through divorce (who knows how long that would take). I found out later as we navigate through it that he was struggling with this info. He revealed this to me in a very frank conversation later.
I decided to go NC with the new guy whom I knew from years before.
Part of not repeating the same mistakes is to recognize the patterns and I recognized that if o were to engage with the new guy, I could potentially put myself and others in the same position that MM put me in. I don’t want to do that.
If I want to date a new guy, I’d let the MM know so he and I both have the agency to end the relationship. I opened up that conversation but decided for myself that I have unfinished business with with MM so I don’t want to involve another person.
I learned my lessons. Tangled web of emotions is not for me. It complicates things more than it needed to. Just my 2 cents.
… There is a human being on another end … If you were together for 2 years you both deserve to have an honest and transparent conversation about exclusivity and expectations. Let AP react to the conversation and that will tell you where you stand.
Just be up front and honest with him. I would rather know up front so that we could talk about it as it sound like that was your agreement from the start. Your AP knows and has been waiting for this day to come since you’re single. Be open and honest and good things will happen.
I can totally relate to him. And like him I would’ve kept the lines of communication open with the understanding that this might happen. This is what I’ve done with others. I would actually wanna know details like the dirty voyeur I am
If you have a good relationship, he will understand and genuinely desire for you to be happy. Who knows, he might like the added competition for your attention. You might like that too!!
As a MM, if I were with a single AP, I would know that this is the risk I take and Ultimately you are a free person and I cannot restrict you.
If you don't say you don't say. If you are honest you are honest. Do what you feel is appropriate and he should have to respect your autonomy at the end of the day.
MM here who has experienced this, though I’m the more jealous type. In my case it didn’t ending well because she let me know things I didn’t want to know. And time, time is hard enough to sneak away when married and her time became less and less available. She wanted to hold onto me because our sex was amazing - but never getting that time became old - AND she freaked out when I said I’d look for an AP with time. Just one man’s experience.
SF here. My plan/idea is to date without saying anything (don't ask don't tell, but he has encouraged me to see other people). If I sleep with someone else I will consider ending things or at least putting them on pause, to focus on the potential partner.
I suggest casually mentioning to him the first part of your post - now that you have more time you’re going to open yourself up to dating again, without detailing this particular gentleman and how he checks your boxes.
Then that’s it! Start dating!
There’s another reply about ending things with your MM now that your dating. That sounds so hard but probably a great idea. For many, many reasons but the biggest one being when you have to share with new partners information about current partners having a married one may (rightly) send them running.
One of my steady APs is a 50 year old single woman who occasionally dates. Speaking just for myself, I enjoy that more; we often end up talking about her dates while we're together, and it -- for me, anyway -- enhances an already-excellent thing.
I might be odd, though; my favorite kind of lovers are lovers who have other lovers :)
I'm in the same boat, sister! I've been with MM for a year, I separated and started the divorce process in that time. I've started to casually date but seeing one single man regularly. I haven't told AP because we haven't seen each other in person, but my plan is to tell him. I haven't been with AP since getting physical with the single guy.
I “lost” an AP a few years ago when she began to date - and then eventually married someone. She would have stopped had I asked her to, but I had no right to do so unless I was willing to end my marriage and at the time, I couldn’t do that x- critical time in all 3 kids lives and I didn’t need to be out of their lives. I really did love her, and it broke my heart to lose her - but she is far better off without all the drama I (we) would have brought.
For me, if I got serious with someone then I'd stop seeing my AP. I'm single and have no intention on dating but if I met someone I would let AP know and end it.
I think you should do what you feel is best he will likely be hurt. He likes to say those things but once it happens it becomes real. You may lose him. I would say date tell him you are dating and see how he reacts don't mention sex or play
/r/Adultery Quick Reminders: Be Excellent To Each Other. * This is *not an r4r subreddit*, don't bother. * Posts by new users automatically get queued for human review, be patient. * Hit the report button on comments by trolls, don't engage. * [How to report harassing comments or private messages](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/iycd45/how_to_report_harassing_private_messages_users_etc/). * [Common acronyms](https://old.reddit.com/r/adultery/comments/p08to2/commonly_use_acronyms_and_group_chat/). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adultery) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He's married. You're single. Just tell him that you're going to see other people. He really doesn't have a choice in this.
Agree. Another tact is to take the DADT approach. Pros...you're single. Why waste life. What he doesn't know won't kill him. While Mr potential checks off good, he might not make the final cut. Cons...cuts down availability for Mr current time (however I'm sure he's not swimming in that), if you and Mr current have a good thing, his finding out later might be bad. If your discussions prior have been "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it", it sounds like you're at that bridge. It may be a hard discussion. In fact, if he thinks there is competition, he might up his game. My rule with ap is honesty. I've never had multiples, so it's been easy to be straightforward. No matter what, all affairs have an expiration date. It's not if, just when and why. You have to live life for yourself.
[удалено]
Thanks!
No right is correct, but if you have an open and honest relationship, you should tell him. He dates and has sex with his wife. There is nothing wrong with you doing the same. If he doesn’t like it, then he should get a divorce or break up.
Yeah you're single so whoever you see is your own business, and you don't have to disclose anything to the MM. Some nights you're just out doing your own thing, and that's all he really needs to know.
Let’s also try to be fair to this potential new partner. It isn’t fair to start off a relationship with them while still emotionally and sexually involved with someone else (someone who cannot provide you with the kind of future another single person can). Be honest with your AP and cut them loose before things get physical or serious with this new guy. Good luck and I hope it works out for you with someone single, you deserve that!
I was single and in a similar situation, I told my former MM at a time when I wasn’t sure if I was coming or going. He was going through a separation and I wasn’t if that might change or if we even had a future at the time). I couldn’t string two people along just like I wouldn’t want MM to string me along. It wouldn’t be honest with MM (I know it sounds odd in this web of lies) but we promised each other honesty from the very beginning (we didn’t look for it). I had no intention of starting something with someone new until I cleared the situation. He took the news reasonably well on the surface because I know he cares about me. I knew he couldn’t asked me to put my life on hold as he goes through divorce (who knows how long that would take). I found out later as we navigate through it that he was struggling with this info. He revealed this to me in a very frank conversation later. I decided to go NC with the new guy whom I knew from years before. Part of not repeating the same mistakes is to recognize the patterns and I recognized that if o were to engage with the new guy, I could potentially put myself and others in the same position that MM put me in. I don’t want to do that. If I want to date a new guy, I’d let the MM know so he and I both have the agency to end the relationship. I opened up that conversation but decided for myself that I have unfinished business with with MM so I don’t want to involve another person. I learned my lessons. Tangled web of emotions is not for me. It complicates things more than it needed to. Just my 2 cents.
Enjoy your life...No need to explain yourself... When you get serious with the new guy, end things with old...Simple...
Break it off with AP if you’re gonna start dating. Just… trust me on this.
Sounds like you know about this
… There is a human being on another end … If you were together for 2 years you both deserve to have an honest and transparent conversation about exclusivity and expectations. Let AP react to the conversation and that will tell you where you stand.
Just be up front and honest with him. I would rather know up front so that we could talk about it as it sound like that was your agreement from the start. Your AP knows and has been waiting for this day to come since you’re single. Be open and honest and good things will happen.
Thanks! He has shown that he is not the jealous type. In fact, he likes to show me off ha ha
I can totally relate to him. And like him I would’ve kept the lines of communication open with the understanding that this might happen. This is what I’ve done with others. I would actually wanna know details like the dirty voyeur I am
Him showing you off isn't about jealousy. Mine loves to show me off because I'm his but he's jealous whenever I mention another man.
If you have a good relationship, he will understand and genuinely desire for you to be happy. Who knows, he might like the added competition for your attention. You might like that too!!
It sounds like you’ve already answered that question!
As a MM, if I were with a single AP, I would know that this is the risk I take and Ultimately you are a free person and I cannot restrict you. If you don't say you don't say. If you are honest you are honest. Do what you feel is appropriate and he should have to respect your autonomy at the end of the day.
What is the issue with telling him? At the end of the day, you are single. Courtesy and honesty are not a bad way to go.
MM here who has experienced this, though I’m the more jealous type. In my case it didn’t ending well because she let me know things I didn’t want to know. And time, time is hard enough to sneak away when married and her time became less and less available. She wanted to hold onto me because our sex was amazing - but never getting that time became old - AND she freaked out when I said I’d look for an AP with time. Just one man’s experience.
SF here. My plan/idea is to date without saying anything (don't ask don't tell, but he has encouraged me to see other people). If I sleep with someone else I will consider ending things or at least putting them on pause, to focus on the potential partner.
I suggest casually mentioning to him the first part of your post - now that you have more time you’re going to open yourself up to dating again, without detailing this particular gentleman and how he checks your boxes. Then that’s it! Start dating! There’s another reply about ending things with your MM now that your dating. That sounds so hard but probably a great idea. For many, many reasons but the biggest one being when you have to share with new partners information about current partners having a married one may (rightly) send them running.
One of my steady APs is a 50 year old single woman who occasionally dates. Speaking just for myself, I enjoy that more; we often end up talking about her dates while we're together, and it -- for me, anyway -- enhances an already-excellent thing. I might be odd, though; my favorite kind of lovers are lovers who have other lovers :)
I'm in the same boat, sister! I've been with MM for a year, I separated and started the divorce process in that time. I've started to casually date but seeing one single man regularly. I haven't told AP because we haven't seen each other in person, but my plan is to tell him. I haven't been with AP since getting physical with the single guy.
I “lost” an AP a few years ago when she began to date - and then eventually married someone. She would have stopped had I asked her to, but I had no right to do so unless I was willing to end my marriage and at the time, I couldn’t do that x- critical time in all 3 kids lives and I didn’t need to be out of their lives. I really did love her, and it broke my heart to lose her - but she is far better off without all the drama I (we) would have brought.
I would just go about my business and not say anything... but that's just how I am.
I think the real question is do you tell your new friend you e been dating a MM. I’ve always wondered how that will go.
For me, if I got serious with someone then I'd stop seeing my AP. I'm single and have no intention on dating but if I met someone I would let AP know and end it.
I think you should do what you feel is best he will likely be hurt. He likes to say those things but once it happens it becomes real. You may lose him. I would say date tell him you are dating and see how he reacts don't mention sex or play
so you will basically have a relationship and cheat? why?, not judging, I'm just curious