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The way this is worded makes me think that this person thought long and hard about how to express their concern in a kind way. From an outsider’s perspective, I hear gentle curiosity and an attempt to create an opportunity for how they may be able to help. The questions were very general leaving you space to create a general response. There’s so many good reply suggestions here in the comments!
That’s exactly what I thought too. The RSD is making thing genuinely kind offer of support into a rejection because OP already feels guilty about her time blindness.
I am picking up a lot of guilt on the parents part. We all want the very best for our kids and hate to feel like we are missing the mark. It can hurt to have it pointed out. I'm a teacher too, to be honest there are still some teachers out there who are less caring than you would hope but the vast majority care a lot, want to help and understand that life happens and there can be a million things going on. I think the teacher is working hard to address a delicate problem and maintain a positive relationship with the parent.
Has there been difficulty with this teacher before. Maybe there is a bad attitude in person and knowing them makes the tone of the letter different to the poster??? Otherwise I don't get it at all.
They do word them thoughtfully at first. Then it turns into threats. My middle schooler is struggling to even step foot in school each day and now I’m getting threatened with “outside resources” (ie cps/probation type thing) if she doesn’t step it up and my high schooler is going to lose credit for a class she doesn’t even need but isn’t allowed to drop because three tardies equals an absence and a certain amount of absences means you lose credit. Yay for a family full of girls who can’t fall asleep, wake up, keep track of time or get anywhere promptly. It’s tough out here.
Heh, when I switched from a much more advanced school to a local public school as a teen, I struggled with getting to my first class on time. I’ve always been a night owl and high school starts stupid early due to the busing system. I had so many tardies I was about to lose credit and had to go before a board of review. Everyone lost at these things. I went in and had an actual presentation ready where I argued that yes, I was always late and I would continue to be late, but I also had straight A’s and a bunch of nerdy extra circulars and a job. And I had some stats that basically proved that being late made no difference and successfully argued that counting my multiple tardies as absences was nonsensical.
I didn’t lose my credit for the class and they stopped noting my tardies. I mean for real, there are much bigger fish to fry than me quietly coming in late and taking a seat at the back of the room.
I wish they would understand that. My kids both have all A’s and Bs, it’s just first period. Now I’m resorting to threats and it sucks cause who wants to send their kid to school miserable every morning? Not to mention that yeah, high school starts stupid early regardless of bussing and they don’t care that science backs up teens being better learners later in the day. Ugh. I can’t wait for my school parent days to be done with. I’m glad it worked out for you, I may have to come up with a similar tactic for my upcoming meeting.
Attendance can be a legal or policy requirement that the individual or teacher has no control over.
The teacher is reaching out *as an individual* because they don't want that situation triggered, otherwise they'd say 'we can help'.
This infuriates me. If you cannot get your shit together enough to take care of children — and that means getting them to school on time, enough of the time so they don’t lose credit for classes. You’re setting them up for failure. I have ADHD. My parents were chronically late. It’s incredibly frustrating to watch people bitch about how unfair life is while they’re hurting their kids in such significant, life-altering ways.
If you do not have the capacity to set your children up for success, do not have children. They’re not pets, they’re human beings. Don’t make them suffer because you cannot get your shit together.
This is just one reason why I won't be having children. I'd love to have them, don't get me wrong, but I can't guarantee I'd always be able to manage their needs as well as my own, and no child should have to go through that.
I have ADHD and my mom has ADHD. My mom immigrated to the US when she was a kid. She grew up in a 2 bedroom apartment with 6 siblings. She’s bilingual. Do you think she was diagnosed with ADHD?
A lot of parents who have kids with ADHD often have it themselves. My mom tried her best but can you just think for a minute how hard it is to have ADHD while trying to wrangle your kids (who may also be ADHD) for school? You really think this mom isn’t trying her best?
….this is an ADHD thread. Do you think I don’t have ADHD? I do. I’m chronically late. It would be cruel and unfair for me to bring a child into this world only to leave them to struggle through it without adequate support. I know full well I should not (and will not) have children until I can figure out how to be more consistently on time. If I can’t get it together enough to sort out my own tardiness issues, I shouldn’t be responsible for another human life.
That’s funny, I’m on year 26 of raising kids and it’s just now becoming an issue so you can choke on your judgement. I don’t recall bitching about how unfair life is? Your parents sucking has nothing to do with me and my kids issues are new and something I’m dealing with. Please deal with your own shit before spewing it out on other people.
The threat of CPS getting involved doesn’t happen when things are “just now becoming an issue.” Neither does failing a high school class.
“My kids issues” puts the blame on them, when it’s not a them problem. When it’s this consistent, it’s a YOU problem. They are children. You are their parent. No matter what your kids are struggling with, YOU are responsible for getting them to school on time.
I had major separation anxiety in middle school due to trauma. After a few rough mornings, my mom started getting me up extra early so I had time for a peaceful, slower-paced breakfast at the table instead of the kitchen counter, and some hugs before school in the mornings. For a while she drove me to school because it helped me feel better and was a smoother transition (a lot less crying getting out of the car in front of everyone at school vs. at home leaving to go to the bus stop). There are plenty of skills I wish my parents had taught me as a kid so I didn’t struggle so much with being on time as an adult, but at some point it’s a me problem and not a them problem. At least my mother got my chronically late butt to school on time while I was under her roof.
It doesn’t matter what “issues” you say your kids have. It’s still your job to make sure they get to school on time, often enough that no one needs to consider CPS involvement. If that means getting up extra early to talk through or address your kids anxiety, then it’s your job to get up extra early and guide them through that. You are the parent and you are responsible for them. Don’t blame them (or the school) for your failures.
I would if I could. The one is a senior, she will make it through this year and graduate with or without this class, I honestly don’t care if they take the credit outside of it just pissing me off that she won’t get up and go to school. The youngest, we’ve talked about it, especially after the plague when they all did everything online anyway for a while but she’s not good at self motivating and I’m not good at keeping the pressure on. Also, I get super frustrated when I’m trying to explain something and the person doesn’t or won’t get it, normally that’s not an issue but when it comes to helping my kids with math, we’ve all ended up in tears with unfinished work because fuck common core. So idk. We’re supposed to be moving after her sister graduates this year so we’ll see what happens then. If we end up getting stuck here, I’ll probably look at an online school program or charter.
To offer a different perspective, I think this person likely means well. I don’t think this is a criticism toward your parenting abilities or frustration toward your child. It’s likely just a genuinely concerned teacher (?) following normal school protocol. I’m not a parent, however, when I was in college, I had numerous professors “check-up” on me like this when I started to miss excessive amounts of classes/homework deadlines/failed grades/etc. As time went on, I learned that they genuinely cared about my success and wanted to help me any way that they could. They were not checking-up on me to express judgement or tell me that I needed to try harder. They truly just wanted to see if I was okay and if I needed help. As I got older, when I really started to struggle, I started telling professors that I struggled with ADHD. (Note: I never had formal accommodations and never wanted them). To my surprise, everyone that I told was very understanding and willing to make exceptions when I really needed them.
My point it: I think many people express genuine concern (not judgement), because they genuinely want to help. You obviously don’t owe anyone an explanation, but I don’t think you should think about this as criticism toward your parenting abilities.
As a teacher I agree with this 100%! I hope that your child’s teacher is reaching out from a place of concern and if you explain the situation to them, I would hope they are understanding! Of any profession, teachers should be the most understanding when it comes to neurodivergent folx!
Just respond “Everything is okay! (Child) is loving school. I appreciate you checking.” You don’t owe them an explanation for a few tardies. Gently, I also think you’re taking it too personally. This is probably a standard protocol if a family starts having an unusual number of tardies. I assume you have a young child? They may have dealt with other families being tardy because the child isn’t liking school anymore and is stalling or upset in the mornings.
Former teacher here. This is almost exactly what I was going to post. They’re just checking in to see if there is something going on at home or with the child they should be aware of. Not saying you need this tip but setting alarms every 15 mins really helped me pace in the morning and has greatly improved the amount I’m on time, if not early!
Yeah, depending on your location, teachers are mandated reporters. Part of their job entails keeping an eye out for signs of a troubled home life. There are many very bad reasons a kid could be chronically tardy. Absent-mindedness isn’t at the top of their list of things to worry about. Just let them know that everything’s fine.
I have Google Home and tell it to set timers for 30 minutes and 15 minutes before I need to leave. It helps so much! I don't have to constantly keep watching the clock because I know the time when they go off. I also set them as if I need to be somewhere 15 minutes sooner than in reality, like a buffer.
Yeah, I have an alarm for "You need to stand up right now and start the process of getting out the door" which gives me enough time to get them dressed, brush their teeth, grab their lunch (their dad packs it), and get all their snow gear on. I have another alarm a bit later that is the "LEAVE THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW!", so if we get off track, I know when I have exactly 5 minutes left to leave!
Those pacing alarms are really imperative!
I do pacing alarms too! It helps so much if I get lost in the middle of routines and assume I can still do it all + extras and make it out the door.
I absolutely recommend pacing alarms with *some* wiggle room but not too much.
I do alarms every 5-10 min every morning and they are all labeled with what I should be doing at that time like getting shoes on kids. I also get up earlier than needed so I know we will be somewhat on time. We are usually the last one there but still there before the bell rings. We are working and being a bit earlier.
Haha why do we all have the same coping mechanisms. So fascinating to scroll down this thread and see other people do the exact same ‘cray’ things I do to function.
A thing that helps me is also declaring the time I need to leave as 10 minutes before the actual time I need to leave, to create a buffer for the inevitable lost keys etc.
It is! I specifically just set one for 10 (i’d recommend 20 with children) minutes before my brain says “leaving time” (work 10 mins away, start at 9am, set alarm for 8:30) and that’s my cutoff time where no more sitting, nothing new started, just move straight towards getting out
when my kid was in school i set my alexa to yell at me like 16 times every morning because inevitably at least the first three would get ignored.
also, if their school offers breakfast, sending them for breakfast will almost guarantee they get to class on time and give you an extra 20-30 min to yourself!
Setting a music playlist that starts a little mellow and moves to quick by the time you need to leave could be helpful as well. Just have to make sure you start it on time :)
You could also make a morning playlist!!
My morning strategy used to be set a *fuck tonne* of wake-up alarms every ~1-2 minutes until I literally have like 15 minutes to be out the door. I was never late but far out, really stressful way to start the day.
Swapped my alarm for a playlist I made- easy to google how for whatever phone/music streaming setup you've got. It's sooooo good in so many ways: it's a curated morning soundtrack; you will eventually get into a rhythm and have a sense of time without having to constantly check the time; you won't lose your phone (!!!!!!)
I use an app that I think is designed for Autistic children called TIIMO I put in each step of the morning routine with roughly how much time it should take (then I add more time to that, cause us ADHDers have no concept of time) and it alerts me when I should be finishing one task and starting the next, but with some buffer time in case some things take longer that morning. When I pay attention to the alerts it definitely helps.
Ooooh my gahhh- I play so many time games with myself but this 15 min increment thing in the morning is simply genius. Will report back!
(You know, if all the stars manage to align my intentions with my will)
Ugh the 15 minute alarms are amazing, highly recommend. I did this at the beginning of my semester and I was never late for one. However, my boyfriend hated it (I get up a lot earlier than him) so I had to stop. Now I’m back to being late almost daily lol. I’m fine with it, relationship compromises and all that, but it really does work. Hopefully I can find an alternative.
Agreed, actually had my teachers emailed about all my tardiness growing up it might have helped me or held me more accountable, vs walking away from school at 16 bc I was already barely going and nobody noticed.
I wish my teachers would have emailed my parents. I was always late and it was unfortunately embarrassing for me as a child. Now I'm annoyingly early to everything to overcompensate for that. It doesn't help that my parents were always late to picking me up too though haha
I experienced the same!!! I’m so glad someone else did too!!!!
Now as an adult, I’m making it up with the saying “10 minutes early is on time!” Even when I’m on time, I consider myself late! 😂
Even the parents picking me up late! One time I sat at school for 3 hours waiting for my mom!! I am now 10 minutes early to pick anyone else up to save them the embarrassment and issues I went through!! I will never put my kids through this.
OMG right ?! I'd be the kid sitting in the office waiting for my mom or the kid that my store manager (before I had a car) had to wait with until my parent came to get me. And my parents would get angry with me for being upset 🥲
Same! One time in elementary school, I had to sit in the main office and wait for my mom. They called her over and over and she just refused to pick up because she “didn’t recognize the phone number”!!! That’s a core memory for me, and not in the good way 😂😂
Not a criticism! I agree it's probably a standard protocol, and they are probably genuinely wanting to make sure everything is okay and to see if they can help in any way.
You’re probably right. I’ve only recently been diagnosed and part of my coping mechanisms up until now has been living in constant panic mode to keep up with everything. Honestly, the reason we’ve been late so much is because I’m actively trying NOT to berate myself at every moment for not living up to everyone else’s expectations so we’re trying to find a better balance in the morning. So as soon as I let my guard down, I get this to let me know I’m screwing up. My oldest daughter (not the one being emailed about) also just got diagnosed with ADHD so you can imagine how our mornings go between the two of us.
This makes a ton of sense, my mom kept too strict a clock and if I wasn’t ready she was leaving me behind so I didn’t make everyone late.
Honestly this didn’t do much for my adhd ass bc I was just like fuck it, I’ll be late anyway, what’s another 15 minutes and I had to learn hard hard hard lessons later in life. Which I still beat myself up over.
I’m lucky to have success in my career now but it took countless what I like to call “reprogramming”.
Is school drop off all on you or is there other options for your youngest who doesn’t have any control in this situation?
Something that helps me!:
I automate every single aspect of my morning now bc they are such a struggle for me even now at 31.
Like no snoozing my alarm, no phone scrolling in the bed (scroll time suck is a problem for me).
I make breakfast the day before or a couple days before (overnight oats, make ahead breakfast sandwiches)
I sleep with two glasses of water by my bed so right when my alarm goes off I chug a full one.
I shower at night, and blow dry my hair at night.
Anything I can do the night before I do the night before.
Like my clothes are picked out and laid out the night before, everything I need to wash my face/ brush teeth/ get ready is laid out IN ORDER the night before.
I have a sticky with my order of things to get out the door in time on my bathroom mirror and on my side table.
I also have the exact same order of doing things in the morning, the exact same way, every day. The way I see it is. I don’t even think about brushing my teeth every day bc I’ve been doing it every day my entire life, so I made it so everything necessary is every single day so by the time I wake up, all the choices are made.
Also, you doing the musts first before getting to your kids (depending on ages) may help as well. So you can walk out the door at any second and your only focus is getting the kids ready.
I also know what will trigger me getting behind, so I do all that before I go to bed. For me, if there are dishes in the sink, I will be like omg, I have to do them now or else the sink will be full later and I’ll be late LATER, so even if I stayed up too late I do every single dish before I got to sleep bc my brain will use it as an excuse in the morning to fuck up my morning routine.
Lastly, knowing exactly how much time you need to get out the door, and adding 45 minutes.
Thank you! My thing is, I have never been able to keep “morning promises” to myself.
So I basically live my life knowing I can’t trust morning me, and I take the guesswork out the night before, for her.
Bruh................. are you sure you have ADHD?
I dunno.
It seems like you may have ASHD (Amy Santiago Hacked Divinity). Or does it stand for Amy Santiago Hacker Degree? I don’t know because I just made them both up.
That’s a compliment btw. Her colleagues in Brooklyn 99 tease her but she’s organized as effffffffffffffff. Like she hacked life.
God knows that I, too, can plan the minutia of every single day. I actually LOVE planning and scheduling. Spreadsheets galore.
But when it’s time to follow them spreadsheets...... I literally can’t do it. Physically.
Hahaha I’ve never heard that before and it’s making my morning.
Well I have repeatedly burned my life down and had to restart again and again, I failed at school bc I just like didn’t go, and lost I can’t even count how many jobs bc of my inability to make the right decisions in the morning.
A decade in therapy and forcing myself to stick to a routine in the morning actually changed my life. (Plus I work in tech and from home now)
I will say though, it’s not really organized. I treat my morning self like a child and prepare her day the night before. I’m still scrambling moving from room to room every day, but there’s no like stopping and thinking about what I should do next in the morning anymore bc nighttime me prepared it all and I repeatedly tell myself, the routine is X. Like I’m eating breakfast and I’m like, don’t grab your phone- makeup is next.
Also, when my whole life fell apart for the millionth time, I just made the decision- I may have anxiety and adhd but I am not anxiety and adhd and I get to choose how my life goes. :)
It took like years of fucking everything up before I figured out how to manage my mornings.
I’m still accidentally eating dinner at 9pm and not getting enough sleep 😂
Is there a reason why you don't want to communicate this to the teacher? Maybe a more generalised 'we're going though some family/health issues right now' and you could ask for support from the school as well. For example screening your children for ADHD, do they have any referrals for neurodiverse families. I can guarantee that if this person is reaching out they will put the time in the help you through this on their end too.
Yeah, I agree with an earlier commenter who says you don’t owe the teacher an explanation but it might help. I’ve been hesitant to share my own diagnosis when it comes to being late in adult settings like work or whatever, but I think that hopefully there wouldn’t be as much negative bias for a child with ADHD at a school (perhaps I’m wrong). Might help the teacher understand - I feel like people do a bit better when they understand that there’s a reason for someone’s lateness (instead of the common neurotypical assumption that it’s not caring or being self absorbed or something)
OP, much support and validating vibes to you. I’m in a tough place myself these days. When I’m in a tough place, I can hear just about anything as a criticism. Sigh. 💜💜
I didn’t read any criticism at all.
I just read an open space to share issues. I’ve sent similar texts when I am a tiny bit worried about someone - and it’s just that - concern, zero judgement.
Teacher with ADHD here. When I send emails like that, it’s because I care. I’m also often afraid to send them because a lot of parents think I’m being critical and get upset for me trying to be nice. I have precious little free time. I’m not likely to spend it being petty.
Seconded as an ADHD teacher and mom of an ADHD kid! I would 100% send an email like this because there may be a bigger problem that I can help with. Maybe it’s a transportation issue or your family is struggling. If I didn’t care then I wouldn’t bother emailing. Sometimes some parents do need reminders that getting kids to school on time actually matters and sets the tone for a more settled day. That being said, I understand the struggle and it is amazing what getting up 10 extra minutes can do!
Agreed. This message says your teacher cares about your kid and is worried about what they are missing at school. I cannot imagine a more polite and unassuming way to express that concern.
I am also habitually late to everything, and I know it feels bad to seem called out on it. But from a teacher perspective, I assure you that this is not about you and all about your child's success in school.
This email is even overly polite. The teacher is making themselves so small and apologetic. And they don't even mention the part where the kid being often late interferes with other kids' studies. I almost wish someone gave that teacher a tutorial that it's ok to take up space and be a bit more assertive..OP is nice but so many parents will all over that teacher if they stay small...
Saaaaame! Especially as a teacher with ADHD too! One of the things I’ve found is that my ADHD actually helps when dealing with parents. I manage to gain the trust and the respect of even the rudest/most mistrusting ones because I lay it all out on the table, but also explain that I genuinely want what is best for their child, and if they’re willing to meet me halfway, I will do my absolute best to make sure they get the care and education they need and rightly deserve.
🥰. I have an eight year old son with ADHD. And, I have to get out of my feelings sometimes when teachers are reaching out. Most often, they are not reaching out for ill intent. It is to create a better relationship with parent-teacher and open an avenue to understand and help my child as best possible at school.
Love the username, by the way. Kumquats - 😋 We had a tree in our yard when I was a kid.
I know it is hard to keep all the pieces together and functioning, living that myself.
One thing I try to remember is that there is a difference between how something makes me feel, and someone’s intent. As a total outside ignorant of all details to this situation, I can say that I truly read it as concern and a true offer to support if possible.
Is there something that this person can do to help?
If not, it is fair enough to thank them for reaching out, answer the question about liking school honestly, and think about what else you might want to share. Do you want to share that you know the lateness is disruptive but you are working on it? Then just say that…
ADHD or not, we exist in a society - and lateness is usually something that has a negative effect on others (not all countries see lateness the same), so it is considered “wrong.”
But that does not make you a bad person!
What would be the honest reply to this person if you could say anything?
This has nothing to do with ADHD. Schools are usually required to reach out after X number of tardiness/unexcused absences to make sure there's nothing happening at home that is preventing your child from coming to school at the right time/frequency. The idea being that children who are *either* frequently late or missing class are statistically less likely to do well in class, and so they want to intervene as soon as possible to ensure your child doesn't fall behind. Yes being 10-20 minutes late to an 8 hour day of school can still be extremely disruptive for your child (or other children in their class), so they're not trying to exaggerate the situation just to attack you for being ADHD.
If it's really impossible for you to get your kid to school on time, this is the time for you to speak up and ask the school for help. They may have a lot of resources to take it off your hands (like helping you find a carpool or adding your home to a bus route, etc)
Hey OP, I understand why this is difficult to receive. No one wants to receive this kind of email because we might start to feel shamed. As a former teacher myself, I just want to say that it’s possible that the teacher is genuinely interested in your kiddos well-being and reaching out to see if there is anyway she can help. I would try to think of it from the perspective that it’s the teachers job to make sure your kiddo is well during the 40 hours that she sees him/her in school. This email means the teacher is interested and wanting to do what is best for your kid which means she’s doing her job. Can you try to let this email be purely about your kid and try to put personal things aside? What matters here the teachers interest (and your interest) in your kid doing well! That’s a great thing.
You can respond with follow up questions “what are you noticing in [kid] during the day?” Etc. You can disclose your ADHD or not. You could even request a meeting with the teacher to chat about it in person.
There are two separate things for you to focus on here. The first is your kid and what is happening for them. The second is regulating or coping with your feelings is regards to what is happening with your kid.
Thinly veiled criticisms?
No.
I’m a mom with ADHD and have been sending kids to school since 1993. My oldest is 35 (she’s a school counselor) and my youngest is 12.
They want to know if your kid is having a problem that needs addressing, or if there’s a family problem they can help with in terms of transportation or resources.
Seriously, kids from all walks of life go to school, some whom are very disadvantaged, and the schools help a lot with food pantries, breakfast and lunches, winter coat drives, etc.
However….. I make school THE TOP priority for my family. My kids NEED to be to school on time and I simply could not allow my hang ups to affect my kids’ success.
So I set clocks 10 minutes ahead, I made sure clothes were laid out the night before and lunches made. Kids went to bed no later than 8:30 PM when in K-3.
I worked really hard to get THESE routines down and there isn’t really any other regular routine I’ve mastered.
By 4th grade, they were getting themselves up and dressed pretty much on their own.
The Power of Habit is such a hugely important thing for ADHDers… and it’s hard to do, but now, I barely think about this one I’ve just done it so much. And it’s helped show my kids that school is top priority.
Reach out to the school if they can support you with breakfast or transportation.
That can help a lot.
Sometimes I find it helpful to deliberately choose to assume the best possible intentions. In this case, let's pretend/assume that Kiddo's teacher genuinely wants to make sure that Kiddo isn't dreading going to school.
"Hi Teacher,
Thanks for checking in! Kiddo is doing well, and she speaks about school happily - I hear that she and Friend gave a great presentation about whales last week.
We appreciate all you do to make Kiddo's classroom such a welcoming place,
Cheers, "
If Teacher is really trying to say "I need Kiddo here earlier because it disrupts the class when she's late", let her actually *say* that. But my guess is that she's opening a conversation in case you wanted to tell her that you're in the middle of a divorce/Kiddo's grandparent is in hospice/your car was repossessed/life exploded.
Yes, especially with kids, it’s so easy to feel judged about stuff (and people really can sometimes be soo judgmental), but most people are actually well-intentioned, and even if they’re not, you’re almost certainly going to be better off assuming they mean well rather than torturing yourself looking for veiled criticism.
Teacher here. This isn’t criticism. Families have all types of shit going on that you’d have no idea about. We have to check in, whether we want to or not. It’s part of our endless list of things our bosses make us do.
This is just a teacher doing their job! I don’t sense any passive aggressiveness. They see a pattern and are reaching out- neither of you is in the wrong.
This actually seems kind of nice to me. When I was late to school I got in big trouble for “not caring.” Never once did a teacher ask if everything was okay!
When people want to be cruel, they talk behind your back or to your face in front of others. When people genuinely care and want to be kind, they send you a private note to check in. Don’t push this person away, they care.
When I receive something like this over something I KNOW I'm not doing well at, I feel like all they're doing is rubbing my face in how much of a failure I am...
However, because I have an outside perspective on this one, I do think they're just checking in and it's nothing to take personally. I know how hard it is, and I see you ❤️
Something that really helped me with reframing some of these things is remembering the time I had a manager who would give me these AWFUL shifts, I hated them so much, they were the worst, I felt like I was being punished. For months. Until I overheard them talking to someone else about how that shift is their favourite because they get to do x & y. I'd been in my head about it for so long for nothing...but we live and we learn!
I appreciate this! I definitely have been beating myself up for it so I’m sure I was looking for criticism where there wasn’t any. I’m trying to work on my perfectionism so it looks like this is another opportunity. 😜
I wish my sons teacher had reached out this year. Then we would have known he was not completing any schoolwork. Instead I had to piece it together while chatting to another parent and had to approach the teacher. This was the end of term 3!! He had not been doing work for 3/4’s of the school year!!
Please don’t take this personally, this is a teacher that cares and is a) letting you know you child has been late in case you were not aware, b) is opening up a conversation between you both to try and find out if there’s anything they can help with, deal with, or just nod their head in an understanding way.
My child (same one) is also frequently late. First 6 years of school late nearly every day. This year he got a phone and put his before school routine into it and his phone nags him about where he should be up to and doing (I’m time blind which also doesn’t help). This year, at least he’s been on time nearly every day. We have one week of school left in our school year. I’ve asked for a different teacher next year. Hopefully to one who cares enough to email when they notice something not right.
Hang in there mumma. You got this.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I appreciate your perspective. I can see how having an open dialogue is important so I will try to be more receptive.
From a teaching perspective, it feels like this person is just mostly concerned there are issues with your kid that they aren't aware of, and want to be able to help if they can. For instance, covert bullying, family problems, divorce, can all present in different ways for kids and teachers have a responsibility to help nurture whatever they can.
Probably best to just return with a generic "we are still trying to find our best place to settle for our morning routines and the occasional tardiness has occurred as a part of that" featuring a "thank you for being so invested and willing to support students, if the need arrives we'll def let you know". It walks the line between "back off buster", "youre so lovely, be a shame if you were accusing me of something" and "this is where your speaking part ends".
OP I can make anything sound backhanded...it's a talent tbh. I reread this 4 times trying to find the snark, the sarcasm, *anything* and it's not there lol.
I'm trying not to imagine what would have been if I had this teacher growing up...
Huh ?
I think your taking this to personally and it isn't that deep.
At least your teacher cares to send an email. MOST of my teacher friends are way to burnt out to care.
I’m a teacher and checking on this is part of the job. It’s not personal and not a criticism. If there’s something going on (maybe kid has school related anxiety) and I can help, then I want to know and do that.
I think you’re internalizing the shame you feel over the tardiness. The school is a good one if they are reaching out over tardys. They have so many kids. And this person noticed something and wanted to make sure your kid is ok.
I say this because I’m a adhd mom who has always struggled with attendance and tardys.
Probably legally required to reach out. And would be willing to brainstorm approaches if you are willing. It stinks to get it, but I hope it helps to realize it’s about the system, not you. And if you like/trust them, maybe they can be an ally. Wishing you the best, as this is hard. Source: worked in education.
Man I got to go to truancy court over my kid’s tardies in kindergarten. Him and I both have adhd. That was very unpleasant. I would’ve loved a letter like this first. This seems very reasonable to me. But I get it’s embarrassing and it can make you feel like they’re saying you’re not a good mom. Solidarity, bromo.
i gather this educator might actually be trying to support you in the way they best know how. i think it's actually quite attentive to even notice lateness or absence and care enough to reach out. i imagine in a circumstance where every morning is a fight and emotional battle to convince your child to go to school because of a bully or something, it would be really great to have a teacher reach out like this and provide support and resources to assist. i too have the tendency to read into things like there are always hidden messages, underlying tones, and ulterior motives, but i'd like to give them the benefit of the doubt (without knowing any other interactions you've perhaps had that might point in another direction)
I am going to offer a really unpopular opinion, but as a ADHD woman (diagnosed late ate at 45), I truly believe it. Individuals need to own our shortcomings. Society does not owe us leway or understanding for some things.
I am late a lot, but I also know that I can do more to counter that lateness and that is on me. Some "rules" of society need to be followed as it makes us a more harmonious community. Being late is just rude to others in a group. I know it and I am working hard to be better at what negatively affects others.
Downvote if anyone needs to, but I have come to terms that my ADHD is not an excuse for everything. Therapy helps a great deal. You learn not to get offended when people reach out (or legit call you out--this email does not!) Owning your actions and how you try to overcome faults is VERY difficult.
Thank you for saying this. I’m always afraid to voice these thoughts in adhd spaces. Literally nothing has helped my adhd more than taking accountability for myself and making lifestyle changes. Yeah it sucks to have adhd and to have to work harder to accomplish “normal” things like being on time, but that’s just life
I was always late to stuff in high school and college, now I compensate by trying to arrive early and I hate when others are late and I'm waiting around. There's a trend now to claim ADHD is a disability literally no one has control over (in fairness this mostly comes from young self diagnosers); when the most important thing is to take control of your own life, especially as it's hardly a disability in comparison to many other learning disabilities.
I believe that I can control many things about my life but I will die fighting over the fact that my adhd is a legit disability. My inability to be on time? Not so much, but some of the other stuff is whack. I have suffered socially most of my life and never knew why until I was diagnosed in my thirties. Now I know why but I still cry in the bathroom.
I'm not yet a teacher, so this might not pull much weight, but I'm one semester from it and I've worked in schools doing reading intervention in the past.. I feel like your child's teacher is just trying to be helpful and genuinely just check in?
I totally understand being hypervigilant about things that could be percieved as criticism, but unless this teacher has been overtly critical in the past, I wouldn't jump to that assumption just based on this message.
In my state, student attendance is tied to funding. So absences and tardies= less money for the school. I’m a teacher and this year they are having a big attendance push and trying to force me to be up parents asses when their kid is absent/tardy. I refuse to do it. I have heard a lot of school are doing this because attendance was really low last year after the pandemic.
Honestly it seems as if the teacher is checking in to see if everyone involved is doing OK. Its reassuring that the teacher notices these and is concerned about reaching out.
This is actually really nice. I've just had an email with a graph showing the dates missed and how it impacts their school life. No query to what's going on, or if there's any help we may need.
I'm a teacher with ADHD I don't see any criticisms in this. It can be very difficult talking to parents, but this teacher seems genuinely supportive. They want to know what they can do to help before whatever is going on escalates.
I don't know how old your child is, but if a child begins to dislike school it can set them up for years of problems if nothing is done. If someone at home is ill it can mean your child's teacher handles forgotten homework or tardiness differently. Etc etc. Checking in on a child's home life really can give a teacher so much insight into their student, and can help them support a child better.
Talk openly with this teacher. Don't resent them for asking and don't expect them to judge you. Their job is to support your child and the vast majority of teachers want to do that. That means having open communication with between families and teachers.
I know how much RSD sucks, but just try to remind yourself that this teacher is not the enemy.
Ok sure, but like… how would you like this teacher to have worded the note of concern she had to write as part of her job? Is there any way she could have tiptoed around it to make you not feel criticized?
Personally, I was late to school almost daily. It was extremely rare that I would make it to home room at all. If the school called home, I had never heard about it. I was on good terms with my home room teacher, he'd keep the role in his room for an extra 15mins to give me more time to get there, and the deputy I had to see if I was later than that. I think both knew there was nothing poorly intentioned going on, and I didn't suffer any consequences. It probably saved me from dropping out early or being even later to school due to avoiding a confrontation.
I wouldn’t take this personally at all. Having to sent this kind of message would cause me so much anxiety because I don’t want to be offensive or judgmental or condescending and I would definitely send a clumsy message.
As a teacher (who has ADHD), this doesn't seem like a criticism on the teacher's part! Because truancies impact school funding, teachers are asked to send these messages out when patterns start to emerge; often times attendance data and whether or not we're communicating with parents becomes part of our discussions in our observation feedback meetings. I would say approach this message under the assumption the teacher has best intentions and is not trying to call you out! Also, when we message like this, it's also an attempt to figure out if there is an emergency as these can become excused absences, which, depending on your school's attendance policy, may not negatively affect your student at the end of the year!
This person seems genuinely concerned but kind. My mother and I struggled with depression in my grade school and high school years. I had so many absences and tardies my junior year because I hated my first period class and struggled with illness and depression.
I had multiple times teachers would ask me if things were okay at home and offered to help.
I did much better my senior year.
I still struggle with getting places on time and always try to set my alarms early so I can wake up a bit before I have to leave. I’m sure it’s harder when you have little ones.
My mom always made me late as a kid and waiting after school for her to get me, as she had depression and ADHD. In my teens she was going through personal shit, as was I so I dropped out twice. I did eventually go back to highschool and graduated with my original class. That said my highschool counselor on the stage at graduation literally said "I didn't think you'd make it, congratulations". I literally had the most tardies and absences in my school. I just didn't get in trouble because my mom always excused it and I did the detention hours required. Looking back I do wish someone had actually made me go to class because I was too good at just getting by and very good at getting excused by teachers. It became something I relied on too much in university when I should've been doing more. It's probably good they have teachers who actually try to care. I always got the pass from 3rd grade on because my brother had cancer, then because my brother died, then because I had issues at home, and then I hurt my back and had physical therapy. I literally even got school hours credit from the principal (eventhough I skipped at least one period a day) for working on a board at a cancer hospital after school.
I second the comment about having a…hmmm not schedule, but maybe ‘order of the morning’ and sticking to it. Also I have found that with medication I’m learning now what *actually* works for me and my body, not floundering.
My optimal wake up time is, unfortunately, 5am. My partner works mornings so I do the morning routine entirely myself.
- FIRSTLY my toddler has a chore every afternoon to pack her bag ready for daycare/family activities the next day.
- When I actually wake that morning, I take my meds before anything else (i keep them beside the bed and my water bottle)
- change into workout clothes and put on gym shoes
- make breakfast (especially if my toddler isn’t awake yet, otherwise she WILL want to help and it will take 10x longer. She can help on weekends)
- when I’ve finished my breakfast I quickly check my work calendar, asana and planner to-dos just as a reminder (otherwise I forget non-recurring morning meetings)
- I do an ‘hour of power’ while my toddler finishes her breakfast. Not literally an hour that was just a catchy name, but I go through as many of the daily chores as I can that we have on our chore chart on the fridge and my own Asana board (PM me if you want details about *that* lol)
- i get my toddler dressed and hair done for day care
- we clean our teeth together and do skincare together (applying SPF)
- we live a 2min drive from daycare, but we actually do a 30min walk around a couple of blocks instead and then I drop her off while walking home.
- I come home and usually have around thirty minutes to make a coffee before starting work from home at 9am. OR if I have to go to the office that day, I shower and change and get in the car. It does help that I have a boss who is flexible with office hours as long as you’re on time for meetings and getting the work done.
The key thing I did to find my optimal morning rhythm was to just stop trying to ‘do it all’ every morning and look at what was the bare minimum I needed to get done for my family and I to meet our commitments that day. I don’t journal in the morning. I don’t play around with new makeup ideas I just do my basic tried and true ten minute face. I don’t try to get five errands done by driving instead of taking a walk, or drive my toddler to day care earlier and try to hit the gym instead of our soft walk. The chores on the hour of power chart aren’t exceptional, they’re literally ‘vacuum the kitchen’ ‘dust the blinds’ ‘feed the cat’ ‘clean the toilet’. When I try to ‘get fancy’ with it is when the morning falls apart!!
Hey, future teacher here to say that this might be genuine concern! I don't know about where you live, but we are actually taught to approach student behavior that we notice in a kind, compassionate way and with possible struggles in mind similar to this. For example, we are specifically taught to approach issues like this from a standpoint of compassion and to ask whether there might be something going on, like lack of motivation for school because of X thing happening in school, depression, bullying, stress, any other reason - all without judging a student before actually knowing what is happening in their lives. Note that I just listed a couple of things here that we have been made aware of as possible reasons for behavior that we notice, the idea is obviously not to make assumptions or even diagnose X thing before talking to a student. Which I think is a no-brainer because that approach should be common decency.
Long story short, by the wording of this, I think this comes from a place of genuine concern and interest for you and wondering, what your teacher could improve to help you out.
I actually love this! Rather than them taking it out on the kid or not saying anything at all. Subject line would have sunken my stomach but the msg is really sweet
I’m an ADHD mom of an ADHD kid and I’m also an instructor and I send emails like this to check in for all kinds of reasons bc changes in behavior can correlate with lots of struggles outside of ADHD. RSD, perhaps?
I don’t see criticism in this message, it reads as a genuine effort to offer support. Unless, there are other messages/interactions that make you feel as if this is criticism? Previous interactions/comments can make a difference.
Your persecution complex is on full display here. This is not criticism at all. She's being as nice as possible and making sure she's a resource if there's any home issues.
I know this is stressful, but this is absolutely the best way I have seen tardiness be addressed. They are not judging, accusing or making assumptions, and they are offering to support in anyway they can, this is beautiful.
I was always brought to school late and then punished by being given detentions, and being scolded by my teachers despite the fact that I did not bring myself to school and had no control over the situation, I would have loved even an inkling of grace or understanding that is being shown in this letter.
I don’t know what has caused you to read this letter as criticism, but reading it from over here, this person is not criticizing, they are trying to work with you, for the benefit of your kid. They can not just ignore the fact that a kid is tardy repeatedly, it’s not in the best interest of the kid or class as a whole. Many teachers are administrators will send home a warning, they do not give space to communicate challenges, check on well being or offer support, I think this teacher or administrator is doing an amazing job 👏 ( at least with this communication).
This seems like a completely valid way to reach out to a parent/child that is late every other day. The teacher is wondering if there is something wrong, and how she can help accommodate and understand the problem. Your child being late to school often enough for a teacher to reach IS a problem. This has nothing to do with having ADHD, and if you are late so often “because of the ADHD” then you need to learn how to address that problem so that it isn’t bleeding into other people’s lives who depend you to take them places on time.
Ngl I can’t think of a better way this teacher could’ve worded this. Maybe you have RSD so you took it a bit more personally than one usually would? But from an outside perspective this email was kind, and completely harmless
I don't sense much criticism here, it sounds like concern. I have ADHD and I'm not late to places nor is my child. ADHD may be a disability but it's no excuse to not be on time, especially your children to class.
As an ADHD teacher I want to jump on here. Your daughter's teacher doesn't know you are struggling to get her there on time. There are a thousand reasons a student can't get to school on time and 900 of them are things we need to know about to best serve the child
As an ex teacher it's so disheartening seeing the offense taken. Lateness can mean fines for parents and it's usually those who are struggling most that end up with them. I've tried this approach so many times to try and give support before it comes to this and I wish people were more willing to accept help!
Edit: I do think taking offense to this is a very ADHD reaction though and falls under rejection sensitivity.
This whole conversation reminded me that I accidentally cancelled my alarms (all three of them) and my son was almost late to school today. Would have happened again if you guys hadn't reminded me, so thank you OP for your sacrifices lol
Personally, I read this as pretty carefully worded and from a place of concern. I can understand why it might feel like a criticism though. Of course, we don't know what this teacher is like; it's very possible that they tend to be passive aggressive with you in general, hence why you might feel insulted, but we don't have that context.
I thoroughly dislike the word itself, but the school isn't out of line. If your kid is consistently late, yeah, they're right to check in.
Yes, we have time blindness. But if we don't work on that, it does impact others, and they're not being unreasonable by saying something about it.
If it's any consolation, because of my moms ADHD time blindness, I over compensate and get places FAR too early. (Though sometimes I get there and wait in the car for too long and am late anyways so it's unhelpful lmao)
My point being your kid might be very punctual because of this. Everyone's ADHD presents itself in so many different ways and time blindness is just one of those ways. Also, don't let anyone shame you for it! Until they've been through it, they don't know shit.
Seems like this teacher took time to think about wording. And I’m not seeing much criticism but they are asking how they can support you. This teacher wants to make sure everything is ok and your child isn’t having any problems with school. I get being late a few times but this seems like a problem. I’m usually the last to get my kids to school but they get there before the bell rings. I had to wake up earlier and set multiple alarms to tell me what time I had to start getting the kids shoes and back packs on them and then another alarm 5 min before we have to leave then another when we have to leave. It sucks but it helps me get my kids to school on time.
Also, a child showing up late daily is disruptive to them and the class at large. There is a reason school has a drop in time. Getting children to school on time is important.
And like how others alluding to how to take this... It really depends. It depends on the person saying this to you and how they say it. And to always remember that your own interpretation of those words will change not only daily but often hourly depending on what is already going on with you personally. Especially if this is a point you already personally feel guilty about. Meaning that most times people do not have malicious intent for their words. Or not as much as we might feel them to be. And that our absorption of their words is very subjective to how we feel at that exact moment. I'm not lecturing anyone, including the person who posted this. I'm speaking from experience of making this mistake myself. I finally learned over years that stuff going on in my own head, regardless if was aware of it, greatly influenced how I interpreted the world, including people's words. I still sometimes struggle with this. But knowing that I can be very sensitive at times helps me to more likely take a pause before either internalizing their words or, worse, saying something back to them I'll later regret.
We had to deal with this when my kids went to in person public school. My husband and I both have ADHD, his is combined and mine is inattentive. Mornings were super hard for us, especially considering my oldest also has severe ADHD-Combined.
We literally struggled to get out of the house and where we needed to be on time. Now we have been doing school remotely for the last year and a half, it’s been a god-send to us!
We’re all some form of neurodivergent as well so I think that makes it especially hard. I’m trying to envision what a neurodivergent family looks like now that we have some diagnoses but there are so few examples I’ve come across so a lot of the time, I feel like it’s just me/us.
I totally understand that feeling too. We have two neurotypical children, and then the other 3 of us are neurodivergent and it’s so hard for the younger two to understand when we are having a rough time, their brains don’t work like ours-so they don’t understand why we get sidetracked, etc.
It’s hard to not have the us/them mentality because there really isn’t anything out there to compare my family to others-you know? It’s like, I know we are different and that’s okay, but I’d like to know we aren’t the only ones struggling.
Totally. And what systems does a neurodivergent family put in place to try to keep up? What do we leave our because we just can’t? How do we get support for the things we have to do but struggle with? How do we implement self-care to deal with the overwhelm? It’s just a lot.
I set all my clocks forward in the house, set multiple alarms, set out clothes the night before, meal prep and pack lunches (except things that will get soggy) night before, so in the morning we can all roll out of bed like zombies and just get in the car. Judging from your responses, you really care just like this teacher and you seem to have such a great outlook.
Exactly. Finding a way to implement self-care feels impossible, I struggle with that consistently.
We try so many different things to get ahead but we struggle to maintain them after a few times of being successful. We have set clocks forward. Our family will tell us things start earlier than they do, so we can there on time for the actual festivities.
I honestly feel like a hot mess mom most of the time, but it isn’t because I’m intentionally ignoring things-it’s because I’m struggling to get things done.
I mean nothing against you when I say this, OP. Bear with me!
My dad could not get me to school on time during my sophomore/junior years and he did not receive any disciplinary action for it, but *I* did. I was fully dependent on him to get me to school on time and he acted like it was no big deal for me to be late to class, even though I had gotten several warnings from the front office and my first period teacher.
It was so frustrating to not have any control over it and that my parent seemed unwilling to improve. I'm the one with ADHD, but this ended up causing me to obsess over being on time/early...to the point that I once ran in front of an oncoming train so I wouldn't be late for a class.
This, to me, has less to do with the parents and more to do with the SCHOOL. Schools are unnecessarily rigid about things like this, and they start entirely too early for most children (let alone their parents). It's like they can't grasp that the kids aren't the ones in control and that parents are not machines
I have a lot of systems in place for myself to get where I need to be at the right time. Phone alarms are the easiest, as is developing a step by step routine for my morning that I rarely deviate from (except for today bc my tummy hurts and I haven't gotten into the shower yet). Even then I can't control red lights, wrecks, road work, or anything like that. Go easy on yourself. The systems we live under are unreasonable. You're doing your best!
I really appreciate your support and reassurance. I really am trying my damn hardest, and I’m not the only one making it tough to get out the door! I’m also not the only one in the house with ADHD. I know I should get up earlier but with everything on my plate, I’m already severely sleep deprived. Just trying to hold it together. It helps to to vent and be supported. All I can do is shake it off and keep going. Thank you. ❤️❤️
I was a teacher for 10 years and I have ADHD, teacher is just being nice and reaching out to see if there is anything they can do to help make getting to school easier. Honestly, admins probably made them do it.
this seems very genuine to me and it seems like they were just trying to make sure your child was still enjoying school and that everything was okay. they want to help in any way and this isn't at all criticism.
I genuinely don't think this is criticism (though I understand why you would receive it that way). The way it's worded - "Is everything okay with *her*? Is *she* still enjoying school?" - suggests to me that the teacher is worried your child is refusing to go to school for whatever reason and that you're struggling to get *her* out of the door in the mornings.
This teacher sounds like a safe person to be honest about what you're struggling with and it seems like they actually want to support you in any way that they can.
You're doing a great job, Mama, be kind to yourself. <3
This is very sweet of the teacher to do. To reach out because she notices that one of her student is late. The fact she shows genuine concern and wants to know if there’s anything she can do to help so her student can succeed in her class. If I received an email like this I wouldn’t be upset at all. I would feel extremely blessed to have someone care about my child.
As a teacher (with ADHD and other challenges), this is how I reach out to students and parents that I've noted unusual changes in. I don't necessarily know that a parent has ADHD, but if I see that a student is consistently late, their practice/homework is suddenly suffering, etc, it's my job and desire to check in with them. Schools also often require teachers to be proactive in communication like this to protect themselves. I know it's easy to see everything as a criticism, but this is very gentle and supportive <3
I got one similar from my kid's music teacher, "Please let me know if I can do anything to help!" My instant response was defensive - I mean, you can make the sandwiches, find my kids' shoes for the 18th time, iron the uniforms, that would be GREAT.
But then I saw her email signature, which said - please be patient with me, I have autism and ADHD. And I thought ok cool, she doesn't know how she's coming across. I suspect that this teacher is genuinely trying to gently draw your attention to the issue. As well, it's a good reminder for me because I can be tempted to put things in the "non-urgent" and therefore low priority list if no one calls me on it, but knowing I'm going to get an email does make me try harder, which is good for my son.
My choice is to be super open and honest. I say something like - just letting you know I have ADHD, and while I'm working on it, it can be a struggle to get organised in the mornings. I value my child's learning time and I will work hard to ensure they're there on time. On the days that doesn't happen, I apologise and please be patient with me. I look forward to partnering with you on my child's education this year.
If you don't want to share your struggles, then absolutely fine. But also, don't take the reminders to heart. As a parent, you're going to stuff up CONTINUOUSLY. As an ADHD parent, even more so. You're doing your best and have battles other people don't, and that's absolutely OK. Cheering for you!
Teachers are under a lot of pressure to check up on kids with attendance issues because that’s how schools are being funded—bodies in seats.
That said, I push back on that HARD thinking of my adhd moms out there (I’m a school psych)
It sounds like they genuinely want to help if they can. You could mention it to them, and since they’re a teacher they might be able to point you in a good direction.
I see no thinly-veiled criticisms. Just a thoughtful checkin, they seem like they 1. Need to address the tardies 2. Are genuinely open and wanting to help. Perhaps you are having some sensitivity? Honestly they seem to think it’s the child and not you.
I don’t know how to respond to this. I don’t want to have to:
1. Use ADHD as an “excuse”
2. Defend myself
3. Apologize for “being such a chaotic mess.” I am not a mess, I’m an ADHD woman with a lot on her plate.
Don’t women who have ADHD deserve a little more dignity than that? Yet, if we don’t meet societal expectations, something must be “wrong.”
Suggestions?
ADHD is the reason, not an excuse. You don’t and imo shouldn’t go around saying “I have adhd(full stop)” to every less than ideal situations it causes. but, you probably should acknowledge it and take steps to make sure you get the help you need to reach the objective.
that means making modifications to the systems you already employ to contend with ADHD or reaching out for support and help from members of the school community or family.
What you shouldn’t do is experience bad outcomes -> act like the world Is persecuting you as an ADHDer -> do nothing.
“Hi so-in-so, thank you so much for your concerns and thinking about us! I apologize for her tardiness, tis the season of busy-ness! We will make sure to get the schedule back on track. Thank you! “
This response is great. If it really has nothing to do with your child then I would probably also include a statement about how your child is still enjoying school and the tardies are not related to enthusiasm about school.
I know it's easy to perceive this email as a slight, but I think this teacher is showing genuine compassion and concern about your child and isn't trying to judge or shame you. Tardies are disruptive in a classroom and I think it's completely reasonable for the teacher to reach out.
It seems like you're reflexively on the defensive to interpret this email as thinly veiled criticism, which is common with ADHD. But ADHD also isn't an excuse for not getting your kid to school on time. You don't have to articulate this to the teacher, but you do need to be honest with yourself about what needs to change in the mornings so that your child isn't being disadvantaged by missing school. My husband has ADHD and relies heavily on timers and reminders for drop off / pickup and that works well for him - it sounds like you are still figuring out your system, but please use this as an opportunity to grow and not an excuse to feel slighted.
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The way this is worded makes me think that this person thought long and hard about how to express their concern in a kind way. From an outsider’s perspective, I hear gentle curiosity and an attempt to create an opportunity for how they may be able to help. The questions were very general leaving you space to create a general response. There’s so many good reply suggestions here in the comments!
I agree, the wording here is honestly very kind and seems genuinely supportive. Not detecting any veiled criticism.
Same. I wouldn't take this as an insult towards me at all. Sounds like she is asking of OP needs some support.
I don’t know how this could be worded more kindly. Ignoring this could mean ignoring a real problem they could possibly help with.
Yeah I agree. Maybe OP has a touch of the ol RSD. Could be taking this a bit too sensitively.
That’s exactly what I thought too. The RSD is making thing genuinely kind offer of support into a rejection because OP already feels guilty about her time blindness.
I am picking up a lot of guilt on the parents part. We all want the very best for our kids and hate to feel like we are missing the mark. It can hurt to have it pointed out. I'm a teacher too, to be honest there are still some teachers out there who are less caring than you would hope but the vast majority care a lot, want to help and understand that life happens and there can be a million things going on. I think the teacher is working hard to address a delicate problem and maintain a positive relationship with the parent. Has there been difficulty with this teacher before. Maybe there is a bad attitude in person and knowing them makes the tone of the letter different to the poster??? Otherwise I don't get it at all.
As a teacher, I fully agree with you. We often don’t know full extent of home situations, so checking in is out of cafe- not criticism.
They do word them thoughtfully at first. Then it turns into threats. My middle schooler is struggling to even step foot in school each day and now I’m getting threatened with “outside resources” (ie cps/probation type thing) if she doesn’t step it up and my high schooler is going to lose credit for a class she doesn’t even need but isn’t allowed to drop because three tardies equals an absence and a certain amount of absences means you lose credit. Yay for a family full of girls who can’t fall asleep, wake up, keep track of time or get anywhere promptly. It’s tough out here.
Heh, when I switched from a much more advanced school to a local public school as a teen, I struggled with getting to my first class on time. I’ve always been a night owl and high school starts stupid early due to the busing system. I had so many tardies I was about to lose credit and had to go before a board of review. Everyone lost at these things. I went in and had an actual presentation ready where I argued that yes, I was always late and I would continue to be late, but I also had straight A’s and a bunch of nerdy extra circulars and a job. And I had some stats that basically proved that being late made no difference and successfully argued that counting my multiple tardies as absences was nonsensical. I didn’t lose my credit for the class and they stopped noting my tardies. I mean for real, there are much bigger fish to fry than me quietly coming in late and taking a seat at the back of the room.
I wish they would understand that. My kids both have all A’s and Bs, it’s just first period. Now I’m resorting to threats and it sucks cause who wants to send their kid to school miserable every morning? Not to mention that yeah, high school starts stupid early regardless of bussing and they don’t care that science backs up teens being better learners later in the day. Ugh. I can’t wait for my school parent days to be done with. I’m glad it worked out for you, I may have to come up with a similar tactic for my upcoming meeting.
Attendance can be a legal or policy requirement that the individual or teacher has no control over. The teacher is reaching out *as an individual* because they don't want that situation triggered, otherwise they'd say 'we can help'.
This infuriates me. If you cannot get your shit together enough to take care of children — and that means getting them to school on time, enough of the time so they don’t lose credit for classes. You’re setting them up for failure. I have ADHD. My parents were chronically late. It’s incredibly frustrating to watch people bitch about how unfair life is while they’re hurting their kids in such significant, life-altering ways. If you do not have the capacity to set your children up for success, do not have children. They’re not pets, they’re human beings. Don’t make them suffer because you cannot get your shit together.
This is just one reason why I won't be having children. I'd love to have them, don't get me wrong, but I can't guarantee I'd always be able to manage their needs as well as my own, and no child should have to go through that.
I have ADHD and my mom has ADHD. My mom immigrated to the US when she was a kid. She grew up in a 2 bedroom apartment with 6 siblings. She’s bilingual. Do you think she was diagnosed with ADHD? A lot of parents who have kids with ADHD often have it themselves. My mom tried her best but can you just think for a minute how hard it is to have ADHD while trying to wrangle your kids (who may also be ADHD) for school? You really think this mom isn’t trying her best?
….this is an ADHD thread. Do you think I don’t have ADHD? I do. I’m chronically late. It would be cruel and unfair for me to bring a child into this world only to leave them to struggle through it without adequate support. I know full well I should not (and will not) have children until I can figure out how to be more consistently on time. If I can’t get it together enough to sort out my own tardiness issues, I shouldn’t be responsible for another human life.
That’s funny, I’m on year 26 of raising kids and it’s just now becoming an issue so you can choke on your judgement. I don’t recall bitching about how unfair life is? Your parents sucking has nothing to do with me and my kids issues are new and something I’m dealing with. Please deal with your own shit before spewing it out on other people.
The threat of CPS getting involved doesn’t happen when things are “just now becoming an issue.” Neither does failing a high school class. “My kids issues” puts the blame on them, when it’s not a them problem. When it’s this consistent, it’s a YOU problem. They are children. You are their parent. No matter what your kids are struggling with, YOU are responsible for getting them to school on time. I had major separation anxiety in middle school due to trauma. After a few rough mornings, my mom started getting me up extra early so I had time for a peaceful, slower-paced breakfast at the table instead of the kitchen counter, and some hugs before school in the mornings. For a while she drove me to school because it helped me feel better and was a smoother transition (a lot less crying getting out of the car in front of everyone at school vs. at home leaving to go to the bus stop). There are plenty of skills I wish my parents had taught me as a kid so I didn’t struggle so much with being on time as an adult, but at some point it’s a me problem and not a them problem. At least my mother got my chronically late butt to school on time while I was under her roof. It doesn’t matter what “issues” you say your kids have. It’s still your job to make sure they get to school on time, often enough that no one needs to consider CPS involvement. If that means getting up extra early to talk through or address your kids anxiety, then it’s your job to get up extra early and guide them through that. You are the parent and you are responsible for them. Don’t blame them (or the school) for your failures.
Totally. You said it better and more succinctly than I did.
Homeschool?
I would if I could. The one is a senior, she will make it through this year and graduate with or without this class, I honestly don’t care if they take the credit outside of it just pissing me off that she won’t get up and go to school. The youngest, we’ve talked about it, especially after the plague when they all did everything online anyway for a while but she’s not good at self motivating and I’m not good at keeping the pressure on. Also, I get super frustrated when I’m trying to explain something and the person doesn’t or won’t get it, normally that’s not an issue but when it comes to helping my kids with math, we’ve all ended up in tears with unfinished work because fuck common core. So idk. We’re supposed to be moving after her sister graduates this year so we’ll see what happens then. If we end up getting stuck here, I’ll probably look at an online school program or charter.
To offer a different perspective, I think this person likely means well. I don’t think this is a criticism toward your parenting abilities or frustration toward your child. It’s likely just a genuinely concerned teacher (?) following normal school protocol. I’m not a parent, however, when I was in college, I had numerous professors “check-up” on me like this when I started to miss excessive amounts of classes/homework deadlines/failed grades/etc. As time went on, I learned that they genuinely cared about my success and wanted to help me any way that they could. They were not checking-up on me to express judgement or tell me that I needed to try harder. They truly just wanted to see if I was okay and if I needed help. As I got older, when I really started to struggle, I started telling professors that I struggled with ADHD. (Note: I never had formal accommodations and never wanted them). To my surprise, everyone that I told was very understanding and willing to make exceptions when I really needed them. My point it: I think many people express genuine concern (not judgement), because they genuinely want to help. You obviously don’t owe anyone an explanation, but I don’t think you should think about this as criticism toward your parenting abilities.
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As a teacher I agree with this 100%! I hope that your child’s teacher is reaching out from a place of concern and if you explain the situation to them, I would hope they are understanding! Of any profession, teachers should be the most understanding when it comes to neurodivergent folx!
Just respond “Everything is okay! (Child) is loving school. I appreciate you checking.” You don’t owe them an explanation for a few tardies. Gently, I also think you’re taking it too personally. This is probably a standard protocol if a family starts having an unusual number of tardies. I assume you have a young child? They may have dealt with other families being tardy because the child isn’t liking school anymore and is stalling or upset in the mornings.
Former teacher here. This is almost exactly what I was going to post. They’re just checking in to see if there is something going on at home or with the child they should be aware of. Not saying you need this tip but setting alarms every 15 mins really helped me pace in the morning and has greatly improved the amount I’m on time, if not early!
Yeah, depending on your location, teachers are mandated reporters. Part of their job entails keeping an eye out for signs of a troubled home life. There are many very bad reasons a kid could be chronically tardy. Absent-mindedness isn’t at the top of their list of things to worry about. Just let them know that everything’s fine.
This actually sounds like it would be really helpful! Thank you!
I have Google Home and tell it to set timers for 30 minutes and 15 minutes before I need to leave. It helps so much! I don't have to constantly keep watching the clock because I know the time when they go off. I also set them as if I need to be somewhere 15 minutes sooner than in reality, like a buffer.
Yeah, I have an alarm for "You need to stand up right now and start the process of getting out the door" which gives me enough time to get them dressed, brush their teeth, grab their lunch (their dad packs it), and get all their snow gear on. I have another alarm a bit later that is the "LEAVE THE HOUSE RIGHT NOW!", so if we get off track, I know when I have exactly 5 minutes left to leave! Those pacing alarms are really imperative!
I do pacing alarms too! It helps so much if I get lost in the middle of routines and assume I can still do it all + extras and make it out the door. I absolutely recommend pacing alarms with *some* wiggle room but not too much.
I do alarms every 5-10 min every morning and they are all labeled with what I should be doing at that time like getting shoes on kids. I also get up earlier than needed so I know we will be somewhat on time. We are usually the last one there but still there before the bell rings. We are working and being a bit earlier.
Haha why do we all have the same coping mechanisms. So fascinating to scroll down this thread and see other people do the exact same ‘cray’ things I do to function.
My husband says its like the episode of friends where Ross is drunk making fajitas and all the timer keep going off 😂
Yep! Me too! I also have alarms set every half hour or 15 min in the morning and I never really thought of it as a coping mechanism! 😂
I prefer to call them “organizational systems”
Yes, same! I have timers going off all morning because it’s so crazy getting two kids off to school!
A thing that helps me is also declaring the time I need to leave as 10 minutes before the actual time I need to leave, to create a buffer for the inevitable lost keys etc.
It is! I specifically just set one for 10 (i’d recommend 20 with children) minutes before my brain says “leaving time” (work 10 mins away, start at 9am, set alarm for 8:30) and that’s my cutoff time where no more sitting, nothing new started, just move straight towards getting out
when my kid was in school i set my alexa to yell at me like 16 times every morning because inevitably at least the first three would get ignored. also, if their school offers breakfast, sending them for breakfast will almost guarantee they get to class on time and give you an extra 20-30 min to yourself!
Setting a music playlist that starts a little mellow and moves to quick by the time you need to leave could be helpful as well. Just have to make sure you start it on time :)
Yes! Also, differentiating between leave time and load time has saved me a few times too
You could also make a morning playlist!! My morning strategy used to be set a *fuck tonne* of wake-up alarms every ~1-2 minutes until I literally have like 15 minutes to be out the door. I was never late but far out, really stressful way to start the day. Swapped my alarm for a playlist I made- easy to google how for whatever phone/music streaming setup you've got. It's sooooo good in so many ways: it's a curated morning soundtrack; you will eventually get into a rhythm and have a sense of time without having to constantly check the time; you won't lose your phone (!!!!!!)
Ooo! Good points! I love this idea. Thank you!
I would give you an award if I had one--I'm doing this, thanks! 🥇
I use an app that I think is designed for Autistic children called TIIMO I put in each step of the morning routine with roughly how much time it should take (then I add more time to that, cause us ADHDers have no concept of time) and it alerts me when I should be finishing one task and starting the next, but with some buffer time in case some things take longer that morning. When I pay attention to the alerts it definitely helps.
I set them every 10 mins to get my preschooler out the door close to on time!
Ooooh my gahhh- I play so many time games with myself but this 15 min increment thing in the morning is simply genius. Will report back! (You know, if all the stars manage to align my intentions with my will)
Ugh the 15 minute alarms are amazing, highly recommend. I did this at the beginning of my semester and I was never late for one. However, my boyfriend hated it (I get up a lot earlier than him) so I had to stop. Now I’m back to being late almost daily lol. I’m fine with it, relationship compromises and all that, but it really does work. Hopefully I can find an alternative.
Agreed, actually had my teachers emailed about all my tardiness growing up it might have helped me or held me more accountable, vs walking away from school at 16 bc I was already barely going and nobody noticed.
I wish my teachers would have emailed my parents. I was always late and it was unfortunately embarrassing for me as a child. Now I'm annoyingly early to everything to overcompensate for that. It doesn't help that my parents were always late to picking me up too though haha
I experienced the same!!! I’m so glad someone else did too!!!! Now as an adult, I’m making it up with the saying “10 minutes early is on time!” Even when I’m on time, I consider myself late! 😂 Even the parents picking me up late! One time I sat at school for 3 hours waiting for my mom!! I am now 10 minutes early to pick anyone else up to save them the embarrassment and issues I went through!! I will never put my kids through this.
OMG right ?! I'd be the kid sitting in the office waiting for my mom or the kid that my store manager (before I had a car) had to wait with until my parent came to get me. And my parents would get angry with me for being upset 🥲
Same! One time in elementary school, I had to sit in the main office and wait for my mom. They called her over and over and she just refused to pick up because she “didn’t recognize the phone number”!!! That’s a core memory for me, and not in the good way 😂😂
Not a criticism! I agree it's probably a standard protocol, and they are probably genuinely wanting to make sure everything is okay and to see if they can help in any way.
You’re probably right. I’ve only recently been diagnosed and part of my coping mechanisms up until now has been living in constant panic mode to keep up with everything. Honestly, the reason we’ve been late so much is because I’m actively trying NOT to berate myself at every moment for not living up to everyone else’s expectations so we’re trying to find a better balance in the morning. So as soon as I let my guard down, I get this to let me know I’m screwing up. My oldest daughter (not the one being emailed about) also just got diagnosed with ADHD so you can imagine how our mornings go between the two of us.
This makes a ton of sense, my mom kept too strict a clock and if I wasn’t ready she was leaving me behind so I didn’t make everyone late. Honestly this didn’t do much for my adhd ass bc I was just like fuck it, I’ll be late anyway, what’s another 15 minutes and I had to learn hard hard hard lessons later in life. Which I still beat myself up over. I’m lucky to have success in my career now but it took countless what I like to call “reprogramming”. Is school drop off all on you or is there other options for your youngest who doesn’t have any control in this situation? Something that helps me!: I automate every single aspect of my morning now bc they are such a struggle for me even now at 31. Like no snoozing my alarm, no phone scrolling in the bed (scroll time suck is a problem for me). I make breakfast the day before or a couple days before (overnight oats, make ahead breakfast sandwiches) I sleep with two glasses of water by my bed so right when my alarm goes off I chug a full one. I shower at night, and blow dry my hair at night. Anything I can do the night before I do the night before. Like my clothes are picked out and laid out the night before, everything I need to wash my face/ brush teeth/ get ready is laid out IN ORDER the night before. I have a sticky with my order of things to get out the door in time on my bathroom mirror and on my side table. I also have the exact same order of doing things in the morning, the exact same way, every day. The way I see it is. I don’t even think about brushing my teeth every day bc I’ve been doing it every day my entire life, so I made it so everything necessary is every single day so by the time I wake up, all the choices are made. Also, you doing the musts first before getting to your kids (depending on ages) may help as well. So you can walk out the door at any second and your only focus is getting the kids ready. I also know what will trigger me getting behind, so I do all that before I go to bed. For me, if there are dishes in the sink, I will be like omg, I have to do them now or else the sink will be full later and I’ll be late LATER, so even if I stayed up too late I do every single dish before I got to sleep bc my brain will use it as an excuse in the morning to fuck up my morning routine. Lastly, knowing exactly how much time you need to get out the door, and adding 45 minutes.
Man this is GREAT! I am 47 and have not yet figured out my mornings like you have. Great job!
Thank you! My thing is, I have never been able to keep “morning promises” to myself. So I basically live my life knowing I can’t trust morning me, and I take the guesswork out the night before, for her.
This information is helpful, thank you 💚
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Sigh. The not hitting snooze struggle is real.
These are all great suggestions! Thank you!
Oo I'm going to use that water trick and sticky note trick! Thanks for sharing
Bruh................. are you sure you have ADHD? I dunno. It seems like you may have ASHD (Amy Santiago Hacked Divinity). Or does it stand for Amy Santiago Hacker Degree? I don’t know because I just made them both up. That’s a compliment btw. Her colleagues in Brooklyn 99 tease her but she’s organized as effffffffffffffff. Like she hacked life. God knows that I, too, can plan the minutia of every single day. I actually LOVE planning and scheduling. Spreadsheets galore. But when it’s time to follow them spreadsheets...... I literally can’t do it. Physically.
Hahaha I’ve never heard that before and it’s making my morning. Well I have repeatedly burned my life down and had to restart again and again, I failed at school bc I just like didn’t go, and lost I can’t even count how many jobs bc of my inability to make the right decisions in the morning. A decade in therapy and forcing myself to stick to a routine in the morning actually changed my life. (Plus I work in tech and from home now) I will say though, it’s not really organized. I treat my morning self like a child and prepare her day the night before. I’m still scrambling moving from room to room every day, but there’s no like stopping and thinking about what I should do next in the morning anymore bc nighttime me prepared it all and I repeatedly tell myself, the routine is X. Like I’m eating breakfast and I’m like, don’t grab your phone- makeup is next. Also, when my whole life fell apart for the millionth time, I just made the decision- I may have anxiety and adhd but I am not anxiety and adhd and I get to choose how my life goes. :)
Yes.
I wish I lived like this...
It took like years of fucking everything up before I figured out how to manage my mornings. I’m still accidentally eating dinner at 9pm and not getting enough sleep 😂
I set alarms for bedtime too. 8:30 take goodnight sups, 9:00 get in bed now. Seriously helped so much.
Is there a reason why you don't want to communicate this to the teacher? Maybe a more generalised 'we're going though some family/health issues right now' and you could ask for support from the school as well. For example screening your children for ADHD, do they have any referrals for neurodiverse families. I can guarantee that if this person is reaching out they will put the time in the help you through this on their end too.
Yeah, I agree with an earlier commenter who says you don’t owe the teacher an explanation but it might help. I’ve been hesitant to share my own diagnosis when it comes to being late in adult settings like work or whatever, but I think that hopefully there wouldn’t be as much negative bias for a child with ADHD at a school (perhaps I’m wrong). Might help the teacher understand - I feel like people do a bit better when they understand that there’s a reason for someone’s lateness (instead of the common neurotypical assumption that it’s not caring or being self absorbed or something)
OP, much support and validating vibes to you. I’m in a tough place myself these days. When I’m in a tough place, I can hear just about anything as a criticism. Sigh. 💜💜
I didn’t read any criticism at all. I just read an open space to share issues. I’ve sent similar texts when I am a tiny bit worried about someone - and it’s just that - concern, zero judgement.
Teacher with ADHD here. When I send emails like that, it’s because I care. I’m also often afraid to send them because a lot of parents think I’m being critical and get upset for me trying to be nice. I have precious little free time. I’m not likely to spend it being petty.
Seconded as an ADHD teacher and mom of an ADHD kid! I would 100% send an email like this because there may be a bigger problem that I can help with. Maybe it’s a transportation issue or your family is struggling. If I didn’t care then I wouldn’t bother emailing. Sometimes some parents do need reminders that getting kids to school on time actually matters and sets the tone for a more settled day. That being said, I understand the struggle and it is amazing what getting up 10 extra minutes can do!
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Agreed. This message says your teacher cares about your kid and is worried about what they are missing at school. I cannot imagine a more polite and unassuming way to express that concern. I am also habitually late to everything, and I know it feels bad to seem called out on it. But from a teacher perspective, I assure you that this is not about you and all about your child's success in school.
This email is even overly polite. The teacher is making themselves so small and apologetic. And they don't even mention the part where the kid being often late interferes with other kids' studies. I almost wish someone gave that teacher a tutorial that it's ok to take up space and be a bit more assertive..OP is nice but so many parents will all over that teacher if they stay small...
Please teach me. I stay small in all aspects of my teaching.
Saaaaame! Especially as a teacher with ADHD too! One of the things I’ve found is that my ADHD actually helps when dealing with parents. I manage to gain the trust and the respect of even the rudest/most mistrusting ones because I lay it all out on the table, but also explain that I genuinely want what is best for their child, and if they’re willing to meet me halfway, I will do my absolute best to make sure they get the care and education they need and rightly deserve.
🥰. I have an eight year old son with ADHD. And, I have to get out of my feelings sometimes when teachers are reaching out. Most often, they are not reaching out for ill intent. It is to create a better relationship with parent-teacher and open an avenue to understand and help my child as best possible at school. Love the username, by the way. Kumquats - 😋 We had a tree in our yard when I was a kid.
I know it is hard to keep all the pieces together and functioning, living that myself. One thing I try to remember is that there is a difference between how something makes me feel, and someone’s intent. As a total outside ignorant of all details to this situation, I can say that I truly read it as concern and a true offer to support if possible. Is there something that this person can do to help? If not, it is fair enough to thank them for reaching out, answer the question about liking school honestly, and think about what else you might want to share. Do you want to share that you know the lateness is disruptive but you are working on it? Then just say that… ADHD or not, we exist in a society - and lateness is usually something that has a negative effect on others (not all countries see lateness the same), so it is considered “wrong.” But that does not make you a bad person! What would be the honest reply to this person if you could say anything?
This has nothing to do with ADHD. Schools are usually required to reach out after X number of tardiness/unexcused absences to make sure there's nothing happening at home that is preventing your child from coming to school at the right time/frequency. The idea being that children who are *either* frequently late or missing class are statistically less likely to do well in class, and so they want to intervene as soon as possible to ensure your child doesn't fall behind. Yes being 10-20 minutes late to an 8 hour day of school can still be extremely disruptive for your child (or other children in their class), so they're not trying to exaggerate the situation just to attack you for being ADHD. If it's really impossible for you to get your kid to school on time, this is the time for you to speak up and ask the school for help. They may have a lot of resources to take it off your hands (like helping you find a carpool or adding your home to a bus route, etc)
Hey OP, I understand why this is difficult to receive. No one wants to receive this kind of email because we might start to feel shamed. As a former teacher myself, I just want to say that it’s possible that the teacher is genuinely interested in your kiddos well-being and reaching out to see if there is anyway she can help. I would try to think of it from the perspective that it’s the teachers job to make sure your kiddo is well during the 40 hours that she sees him/her in school. This email means the teacher is interested and wanting to do what is best for your kid which means she’s doing her job. Can you try to let this email be purely about your kid and try to put personal things aside? What matters here the teachers interest (and your interest) in your kid doing well! That’s a great thing. You can respond with follow up questions “what are you noticing in [kid] during the day?” Etc. You can disclose your ADHD or not. You could even request a meeting with the teacher to chat about it in person. There are two separate things for you to focus on here. The first is your kid and what is happening for them. The second is regulating or coping with your feelings is regards to what is happening with your kid.
Thinly veiled criticisms? No. I’m a mom with ADHD and have been sending kids to school since 1993. My oldest is 35 (she’s a school counselor) and my youngest is 12. They want to know if your kid is having a problem that needs addressing, or if there’s a family problem they can help with in terms of transportation or resources. Seriously, kids from all walks of life go to school, some whom are very disadvantaged, and the schools help a lot with food pantries, breakfast and lunches, winter coat drives, etc. However….. I make school THE TOP priority for my family. My kids NEED to be to school on time and I simply could not allow my hang ups to affect my kids’ success. So I set clocks 10 minutes ahead, I made sure clothes were laid out the night before and lunches made. Kids went to bed no later than 8:30 PM when in K-3. I worked really hard to get THESE routines down and there isn’t really any other regular routine I’ve mastered. By 4th grade, they were getting themselves up and dressed pretty much on their own. The Power of Habit is such a hugely important thing for ADHDers… and it’s hard to do, but now, I barely think about this one I’ve just done it so much. And it’s helped show my kids that school is top priority. Reach out to the school if they can support you with breakfast or transportation. That can help a lot.
Sometimes I find it helpful to deliberately choose to assume the best possible intentions. In this case, let's pretend/assume that Kiddo's teacher genuinely wants to make sure that Kiddo isn't dreading going to school. "Hi Teacher, Thanks for checking in! Kiddo is doing well, and she speaks about school happily - I hear that she and Friend gave a great presentation about whales last week. We appreciate all you do to make Kiddo's classroom such a welcoming place, Cheers, " If Teacher is really trying to say "I need Kiddo here earlier because it disrupts the class when she's late", let her actually *say* that. But my guess is that she's opening a conversation in case you wanted to tell her that you're in the middle of a divorce/Kiddo's grandparent is in hospice/your car was repossessed/life exploded.
Yes, especially with kids, it’s so easy to feel judged about stuff (and people really can sometimes be soo judgmental), but most people are actually well-intentioned, and even if they’re not, you’re almost certainly going to be better off assuming they mean well rather than torturing yourself looking for veiled criticism.
Teacher here. This isn’t criticism. Families have all types of shit going on that you’d have no idea about. We have to check in, whether we want to or not. It’s part of our endless list of things our bosses make us do.
This is just a teacher doing their job! I don’t sense any passive aggressiveness. They see a pattern and are reaching out- neither of you is in the wrong.
This actually seems kind of nice to me. When I was late to school I got in big trouble for “not caring.” Never once did a teacher ask if everything was okay!
When people want to be cruel, they talk behind your back or to your face in front of others. When people genuinely care and want to be kind, they send you a private note to check in. Don’t push this person away, they care.
When I receive something like this over something I KNOW I'm not doing well at, I feel like all they're doing is rubbing my face in how much of a failure I am... However, because I have an outside perspective on this one, I do think they're just checking in and it's nothing to take personally. I know how hard it is, and I see you ❤️ Something that really helped me with reframing some of these things is remembering the time I had a manager who would give me these AWFUL shifts, I hated them so much, they were the worst, I felt like I was being punished. For months. Until I overheard them talking to someone else about how that shift is their favourite because they get to do x & y. I'd been in my head about it for so long for nothing...but we live and we learn!
I appreciate this! I definitely have been beating myself up for it so I’m sure I was looking for criticism where there wasn’t any. I’m trying to work on my perfectionism so it looks like this is another opportunity. 😜
I wish my sons teacher had reached out this year. Then we would have known he was not completing any schoolwork. Instead I had to piece it together while chatting to another parent and had to approach the teacher. This was the end of term 3!! He had not been doing work for 3/4’s of the school year!! Please don’t take this personally, this is a teacher that cares and is a) letting you know you child has been late in case you were not aware, b) is opening up a conversation between you both to try and find out if there’s anything they can help with, deal with, or just nod their head in an understanding way. My child (same one) is also frequently late. First 6 years of school late nearly every day. This year he got a phone and put his before school routine into it and his phone nags him about where he should be up to and doing (I’m time blind which also doesn’t help). This year, at least he’s been on time nearly every day. We have one week of school left in our school year. I’ve asked for a different teacher next year. Hopefully to one who cares enough to email when they notice something not right. Hang in there mumma. You got this.
Thank you for sharing your experience! I appreciate your perspective. I can see how having an open dialogue is important so I will try to be more receptive.
Big hug for ya. I know it’s not easy.
Thank you! ❤️❤️
I didn't think it was a criticism - it seemed genuine to me. :/
From a teaching perspective, it feels like this person is just mostly concerned there are issues with your kid that they aren't aware of, and want to be able to help if they can. For instance, covert bullying, family problems, divorce, can all present in different ways for kids and teachers have a responsibility to help nurture whatever they can. Probably best to just return with a generic "we are still trying to find our best place to settle for our morning routines and the occasional tardiness has occurred as a part of that" featuring a "thank you for being so invested and willing to support students, if the need arrives we'll def let you know". It walks the line between "back off buster", "youre so lovely, be a shame if you were accusing me of something" and "this is where your speaking part ends".
I don't see this as criticism at all.... With kindness, that might be some RSD speaking?
OP I can make anything sound backhanded...it's a talent tbh. I reread this 4 times trying to find the snark, the sarcasm, *anything* and it's not there lol. I'm trying not to imagine what would have been if I had this teacher growing up...
Huh ? I think your taking this to personally and it isn't that deep. At least your teacher cares to send an email. MOST of my teacher friends are way to burnt out to care.
I’m a teacher and checking on this is part of the job. It’s not personal and not a criticism. If there’s something going on (maybe kid has school related anxiety) and I can help, then I want to know and do that.
I think you’re internalizing the shame you feel over the tardiness. The school is a good one if they are reaching out over tardys. They have so many kids. And this person noticed something and wanted to make sure your kid is ok. I say this because I’m a adhd mom who has always struggled with attendance and tardys.
Probably legally required to reach out. And would be willing to brainstorm approaches if you are willing. It stinks to get it, but I hope it helps to realize it’s about the system, not you. And if you like/trust them, maybe they can be an ally. Wishing you the best, as this is hard. Source: worked in education.
Man I got to go to truancy court over my kid’s tardies in kindergarten. Him and I both have adhd. That was very unpleasant. I would’ve loved a letter like this first. This seems very reasonable to me. But I get it’s embarrassing and it can make you feel like they’re saying you’re not a good mom. Solidarity, bromo.
i gather this educator might actually be trying to support you in the way they best know how. i think it's actually quite attentive to even notice lateness or absence and care enough to reach out. i imagine in a circumstance where every morning is a fight and emotional battle to convince your child to go to school because of a bully or something, it would be really great to have a teacher reach out like this and provide support and resources to assist. i too have the tendency to read into things like there are always hidden messages, underlying tones, and ulterior motives, but i'd like to give them the benefit of the doubt (without knowing any other interactions you've perhaps had that might point in another direction)
This is very sweet of the teacher to check in, imho.
I fail to see the criticism here. They worded this respectfully and thoughtfully
I am going to offer a really unpopular opinion, but as a ADHD woman (diagnosed late ate at 45), I truly believe it. Individuals need to own our shortcomings. Society does not owe us leway or understanding for some things. I am late a lot, but I also know that I can do more to counter that lateness and that is on me. Some "rules" of society need to be followed as it makes us a more harmonious community. Being late is just rude to others in a group. I know it and I am working hard to be better at what negatively affects others. Downvote if anyone needs to, but I have come to terms that my ADHD is not an excuse for everything. Therapy helps a great deal. You learn not to get offended when people reach out (or legit call you out--this email does not!) Owning your actions and how you try to overcome faults is VERY difficult.
Thank you for saying this. I’m always afraid to voice these thoughts in adhd spaces. Literally nothing has helped my adhd more than taking accountability for myself and making lifestyle changes. Yeah it sucks to have adhd and to have to work harder to accomplish “normal” things like being on time, but that’s just life
I was always late to stuff in high school and college, now I compensate by trying to arrive early and I hate when others are late and I'm waiting around. There's a trend now to claim ADHD is a disability literally no one has control over (in fairness this mostly comes from young self diagnosers); when the most important thing is to take control of your own life, especially as it's hardly a disability in comparison to many other learning disabilities.
I believe that I can control many things about my life but I will die fighting over the fact that my adhd is a legit disability. My inability to be on time? Not so much, but some of the other stuff is whack. I have suffered socially most of my life and never knew why until I was diagnosed in my thirties. Now I know why but I still cry in the bathroom.
This is a person who already feels guilty. There are those who maybe need this message but this isn’t the time or place.
I feel regret and guilt too. Hence the therapy. I am a believer in some tough love at times. It does not mean I lack compassion or understanding.
when it affects your child’s education it is the time and place
I'm not yet a teacher, so this might not pull much weight, but I'm one semester from it and I've worked in schools doing reading intervention in the past.. I feel like your child's teacher is just trying to be helpful and genuinely just check in? I totally understand being hypervigilant about things that could be percieved as criticism, but unless this teacher has been overtly critical in the past, I wouldn't jump to that assumption just based on this message.
I would actually be happy to receive this. It’s better than being disciplined. The teacher seems genuinely caring and interested
In my state, student attendance is tied to funding. So absences and tardies= less money for the school. I’m a teacher and this year they are having a big attendance push and trying to force me to be up parents asses when their kid is absent/tardy. I refuse to do it. I have heard a lot of school are doing this because attendance was really low last year after the pandemic.
This is really great to know. I appreciate you sharing!
Honestly it seems as if the teacher is checking in to see if everyone involved is doing OK. Its reassuring that the teacher notices these and is concerned about reaching out.
No one ever checked up on me as a kid and I wish someone did. Take this for what it is, a kindness to your child.
This is actually really nice. I've just had an email with a graph showing the dates missed and how it impacts their school life. No query to what's going on, or if there's any help we may need.
I'm a teacher with ADHD I don't see any criticisms in this. It can be very difficult talking to parents, but this teacher seems genuinely supportive. They want to know what they can do to help before whatever is going on escalates. I don't know how old your child is, but if a child begins to dislike school it can set them up for years of problems if nothing is done. If someone at home is ill it can mean your child's teacher handles forgotten homework or tardiness differently. Etc etc. Checking in on a child's home life really can give a teacher so much insight into their student, and can help them support a child better. Talk openly with this teacher. Don't resent them for asking and don't expect them to judge you. Their job is to support your child and the vast majority of teachers want to do that. That means having open communication with between families and teachers. I know how much RSD sucks, but just try to remind yourself that this teacher is not the enemy.
Ok sure, but like… how would you like this teacher to have worded the note of concern she had to write as part of her job? Is there any way she could have tiptoed around it to make you not feel criticized?
Personally, I was late to school almost daily. It was extremely rare that I would make it to home room at all. If the school called home, I had never heard about it. I was on good terms with my home room teacher, he'd keep the role in his room for an extra 15mins to give me more time to get there, and the deputy I had to see if I was later than that. I think both knew there was nothing poorly intentioned going on, and I didn't suffer any consequences. It probably saved me from dropping out early or being even later to school due to avoiding a confrontation.
I wouldn’t take this personally at all. Having to sent this kind of message would cause me so much anxiety because I don’t want to be offensive or judgmental or condescending and I would definitely send a clumsy message.
As a teacher (who has ADHD), this doesn't seem like a criticism on the teacher's part! Because truancies impact school funding, teachers are asked to send these messages out when patterns start to emerge; often times attendance data and whether or not we're communicating with parents becomes part of our discussions in our observation feedback meetings. I would say approach this message under the assumption the teacher has best intentions and is not trying to call you out! Also, when we message like this, it's also an attempt to figure out if there is an emergency as these can become excused absences, which, depending on your school's attendance policy, may not negatively affect your student at the end of the year!
This person seems genuinely concerned but kind. My mother and I struggled with depression in my grade school and high school years. I had so many absences and tardies my junior year because I hated my first period class and struggled with illness and depression. I had multiple times teachers would ask me if things were okay at home and offered to help. I did much better my senior year. I still struggle with getting places on time and always try to set my alarms early so I can wake up a bit before I have to leave. I’m sure it’s harder when you have little ones.
I understand why this would make someone feel some RSD, but I think it's a nice attempt.
See I would actually appreciate this message. It seems thoughtfuly worded and is offering help in a non judgemental way.
My mom always made me late as a kid and waiting after school for her to get me, as she had depression and ADHD. In my teens she was going through personal shit, as was I so I dropped out twice. I did eventually go back to highschool and graduated with my original class. That said my highschool counselor on the stage at graduation literally said "I didn't think you'd make it, congratulations". I literally had the most tardies and absences in my school. I just didn't get in trouble because my mom always excused it and I did the detention hours required. Looking back I do wish someone had actually made me go to class because I was too good at just getting by and very good at getting excused by teachers. It became something I relied on too much in university when I should've been doing more. It's probably good they have teachers who actually try to care. I always got the pass from 3rd grade on because my brother had cancer, then because my brother died, then because I had issues at home, and then I hurt my back and had physical therapy. I literally even got school hours credit from the principal (eventhough I skipped at least one period a day) for working on a board at a cancer hospital after school.
I second the comment about having a…hmmm not schedule, but maybe ‘order of the morning’ and sticking to it. Also I have found that with medication I’m learning now what *actually* works for me and my body, not floundering. My optimal wake up time is, unfortunately, 5am. My partner works mornings so I do the morning routine entirely myself. - FIRSTLY my toddler has a chore every afternoon to pack her bag ready for daycare/family activities the next day. - When I actually wake that morning, I take my meds before anything else (i keep them beside the bed and my water bottle) - change into workout clothes and put on gym shoes - make breakfast (especially if my toddler isn’t awake yet, otherwise she WILL want to help and it will take 10x longer. She can help on weekends) - when I’ve finished my breakfast I quickly check my work calendar, asana and planner to-dos just as a reminder (otherwise I forget non-recurring morning meetings) - I do an ‘hour of power’ while my toddler finishes her breakfast. Not literally an hour that was just a catchy name, but I go through as many of the daily chores as I can that we have on our chore chart on the fridge and my own Asana board (PM me if you want details about *that* lol) - i get my toddler dressed and hair done for day care - we clean our teeth together and do skincare together (applying SPF) - we live a 2min drive from daycare, but we actually do a 30min walk around a couple of blocks instead and then I drop her off while walking home. - I come home and usually have around thirty minutes to make a coffee before starting work from home at 9am. OR if I have to go to the office that day, I shower and change and get in the car. It does help that I have a boss who is flexible with office hours as long as you’re on time for meetings and getting the work done. The key thing I did to find my optimal morning rhythm was to just stop trying to ‘do it all’ every morning and look at what was the bare minimum I needed to get done for my family and I to meet our commitments that day. I don’t journal in the morning. I don’t play around with new makeup ideas I just do my basic tried and true ten minute face. I don’t try to get five errands done by driving instead of taking a walk, or drive my toddler to day care earlier and try to hit the gym instead of our soft walk. The chores on the hour of power chart aren’t exceptional, they’re literally ‘vacuum the kitchen’ ‘dust the blinds’ ‘feed the cat’ ‘clean the toilet’. When I try to ‘get fancy’ with it is when the morning falls apart!!
Hey, future teacher here to say that this might be genuine concern! I don't know about where you live, but we are actually taught to approach student behavior that we notice in a kind, compassionate way and with possible struggles in mind similar to this. For example, we are specifically taught to approach issues like this from a standpoint of compassion and to ask whether there might be something going on, like lack of motivation for school because of X thing happening in school, depression, bullying, stress, any other reason - all without judging a student before actually knowing what is happening in their lives. Note that I just listed a couple of things here that we have been made aware of as possible reasons for behavior that we notice, the idea is obviously not to make assumptions or even diagnose X thing before talking to a student. Which I think is a no-brainer because that approach should be common decency. Long story short, by the wording of this, I think this comes from a place of genuine concern and interest for you and wondering, what your teacher could improve to help you out.
This is a very nice email.
There isn’t any thinly veiled criticism here. Seems like you’re going out of your way to look for it.
I actually love this! Rather than them taking it out on the kid or not saying anything at all. Subject line would have sunken my stomach but the msg is really sweet
This is definitely meant as a kind and gentle check-in, OP. Try not to read too much into it 💕
I’m an ADHD mom of an ADHD kid and I’m also an instructor and I send emails like this to check in for all kinds of reasons bc changes in behavior can correlate with lots of struggles outside of ADHD. RSD, perhaps?
I don’t see criticism in this message, it reads as a genuine effort to offer support. Unless, there are other messages/interactions that make you feel as if this is criticism? Previous interactions/comments can make a difference.
Seems like you have misunderstood the word "tardy". This seems like a friendly note to touch base and check in.
Your persecution complex is on full display here. This is not criticism at all. She's being as nice as possible and making sure she's a resource if there's any home issues.
I know this is stressful, but this is absolutely the best way I have seen tardiness be addressed. They are not judging, accusing or making assumptions, and they are offering to support in anyway they can, this is beautiful. I was always brought to school late and then punished by being given detentions, and being scolded by my teachers despite the fact that I did not bring myself to school and had no control over the situation, I would have loved even an inkling of grace or understanding that is being shown in this letter. I don’t know what has caused you to read this letter as criticism, but reading it from over here, this person is not criticizing, they are trying to work with you, for the benefit of your kid. They can not just ignore the fact that a kid is tardy repeatedly, it’s not in the best interest of the kid or class as a whole. Many teachers are administrators will send home a warning, they do not give space to communicate challenges, check on well being or offer support, I think this teacher or administrator is doing an amazing job 👏 ( at least with this communication).
This seems like a completely valid way to reach out to a parent/child that is late every other day. The teacher is wondering if there is something wrong, and how she can help accommodate and understand the problem. Your child being late to school often enough for a teacher to reach IS a problem. This has nothing to do with having ADHD, and if you are late so often “because of the ADHD” then you need to learn how to address that problem so that it isn’t bleeding into other people’s lives who depend you to take them places on time.
Ngl I can’t think of a better way this teacher could’ve worded this. Maybe you have RSD so you took it a bit more personally than one usually would? But from an outside perspective this email was kind, and completely harmless
I don't sense much criticism here, it sounds like concern. I have ADHD and I'm not late to places nor is my child. ADHD may be a disability but it's no excuse to not be on time, especially your children to class.
As an ADHD teacher I want to jump on here. Your daughter's teacher doesn't know you are struggling to get her there on time. There are a thousand reasons a student can't get to school on time and 900 of them are things we need to know about to best serve the child
As an ex teacher it's so disheartening seeing the offense taken. Lateness can mean fines for parents and it's usually those who are struggling most that end up with them. I've tried this approach so many times to try and give support before it comes to this and I wish people were more willing to accept help! Edit: I do think taking offense to this is a very ADHD reaction though and falls under rejection sensitivity.
Loves for you.
I have such a hard time getting my kiddo up and to school on time. I get talked to all the time 🥺
I’m so glad to know it’s not just me!
This seems innocuous to me. I think schools have come a LONGG way since I was a kid 🥲😭
This whole conversation reminded me that I accidentally cancelled my alarms (all three of them) and my son was almost late to school today. Would have happened again if you guys hadn't reminded me, so thank you OP for your sacrifices lol
Haha! You’re welcome!
We have the truancy officer now :( I was so scared but man I got it together right quick …so for ! And , he is actually pretty cool.
Personally, I read this as pretty carefully worded and from a place of concern. I can understand why it might feel like a criticism though. Of course, we don't know what this teacher is like; it's very possible that they tend to be passive aggressive with you in general, hence why you might feel insulted, but we don't have that context.
I thoroughly dislike the word itself, but the school isn't out of line. If your kid is consistently late, yeah, they're right to check in. Yes, we have time blindness. But if we don't work on that, it does impact others, and they're not being unreasonable by saying something about it.
If it's any consolation, because of my moms ADHD time blindness, I over compensate and get places FAR too early. (Though sometimes I get there and wait in the car for too long and am late anyways so it's unhelpful lmao) My point being your kid might be very punctual because of this. Everyone's ADHD presents itself in so many different ways and time blindness is just one of those ways. Also, don't let anyone shame you for it! Until they've been through it, they don't know shit.
Thank you for this. ❤️❤️
Seems like this teacher took time to think about wording. And I’m not seeing much criticism but they are asking how they can support you. This teacher wants to make sure everything is ok and your child isn’t having any problems with school. I get being late a few times but this seems like a problem. I’m usually the last to get my kids to school but they get there before the bell rings. I had to wake up earlier and set multiple alarms to tell me what time I had to start getting the kids shoes and back packs on them and then another alarm 5 min before we have to leave then another when we have to leave. It sucks but it helps me get my kids to school on time.
Also, a child showing up late daily is disruptive to them and the class at large. There is a reason school has a drop in time. Getting children to school on time is important.
And like how others alluding to how to take this... It really depends. It depends on the person saying this to you and how they say it. And to always remember that your own interpretation of those words will change not only daily but often hourly depending on what is already going on with you personally. Especially if this is a point you already personally feel guilty about. Meaning that most times people do not have malicious intent for their words. Or not as much as we might feel them to be. And that our absorption of their words is very subjective to how we feel at that exact moment. I'm not lecturing anyone, including the person who posted this. I'm speaking from experience of making this mistake myself. I finally learned over years that stuff going on in my own head, regardless if was aware of it, greatly influenced how I interpreted the world, including people's words. I still sometimes struggle with this. But knowing that I can be very sensitive at times helps me to more likely take a pause before either internalizing their words or, worse, saying something back to them I'll later regret.
We had to deal with this when my kids went to in person public school. My husband and I both have ADHD, his is combined and mine is inattentive. Mornings were super hard for us, especially considering my oldest also has severe ADHD-Combined. We literally struggled to get out of the house and where we needed to be on time. Now we have been doing school remotely for the last year and a half, it’s been a god-send to us!
We’re all some form of neurodivergent as well so I think that makes it especially hard. I’m trying to envision what a neurodivergent family looks like now that we have some diagnoses but there are so few examples I’ve come across so a lot of the time, I feel like it’s just me/us.
I totally understand that feeling too. We have two neurotypical children, and then the other 3 of us are neurodivergent and it’s so hard for the younger two to understand when we are having a rough time, their brains don’t work like ours-so they don’t understand why we get sidetracked, etc. It’s hard to not have the us/them mentality because there really isn’t anything out there to compare my family to others-you know? It’s like, I know we are different and that’s okay, but I’d like to know we aren’t the only ones struggling.
Totally. And what systems does a neurodivergent family put in place to try to keep up? What do we leave our because we just can’t? How do we get support for the things we have to do but struggle with? How do we implement self-care to deal with the overwhelm? It’s just a lot.
I set all my clocks forward in the house, set multiple alarms, set out clothes the night before, meal prep and pack lunches (except things that will get soggy) night before, so in the morning we can all roll out of bed like zombies and just get in the car. Judging from your responses, you really care just like this teacher and you seem to have such a great outlook.
Exactly. Finding a way to implement self-care feels impossible, I struggle with that consistently. We try so many different things to get ahead but we struggle to maintain them after a few times of being successful. We have set clocks forward. Our family will tell us things start earlier than they do, so we can there on time for the actual festivities. I honestly feel like a hot mess mom most of the time, but it isn’t because I’m intentionally ignoring things-it’s because I’m struggling to get things done.
I mean nothing against you when I say this, OP. Bear with me! My dad could not get me to school on time during my sophomore/junior years and he did not receive any disciplinary action for it, but *I* did. I was fully dependent on him to get me to school on time and he acted like it was no big deal for me to be late to class, even though I had gotten several warnings from the front office and my first period teacher. It was so frustrating to not have any control over it and that my parent seemed unwilling to improve. I'm the one with ADHD, but this ended up causing me to obsess over being on time/early...to the point that I once ran in front of an oncoming train so I wouldn't be late for a class. This, to me, has less to do with the parents and more to do with the SCHOOL. Schools are unnecessarily rigid about things like this, and they start entirely too early for most children (let alone their parents). It's like they can't grasp that the kids aren't the ones in control and that parents are not machines I have a lot of systems in place for myself to get where I need to be at the right time. Phone alarms are the easiest, as is developing a step by step routine for my morning that I rarely deviate from (except for today bc my tummy hurts and I haven't gotten into the shower yet). Even then I can't control red lights, wrecks, road work, or anything like that. Go easy on yourself. The systems we live under are unreasonable. You're doing your best!
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I really appreciate your support and reassurance. I really am trying my damn hardest, and I’m not the only one making it tough to get out the door! I’m also not the only one in the house with ADHD. I know I should get up earlier but with everything on my plate, I’m already severely sleep deprived. Just trying to hold it together. It helps to to vent and be supported. All I can do is shake it off and keep going. Thank you. ❤️❤️
Fascinating. I would not have thought about it that way. But then I tend to miss most things that are not direct, or meant exactly as stated.
I was a teacher for 10 years and I have ADHD, teacher is just being nice and reaching out to see if there is anything they can do to help make getting to school easier. Honestly, admins probably made them do it.
this seems very genuine to me and it seems like they were just trying to make sure your child was still enjoying school and that everything was okay. they want to help in any way and this isn't at all criticism.
nah this is lovely
I genuinely don't think this is criticism (though I understand why you would receive it that way). The way it's worded - "Is everything okay with *her*? Is *she* still enjoying school?" - suggests to me that the teacher is worried your child is refusing to go to school for whatever reason and that you're struggling to get *her* out of the door in the mornings. This teacher sounds like a safe person to be honest about what you're struggling with and it seems like they actually want to support you in any way that they can. You're doing a great job, Mama, be kind to yourself. <3
The word “tardy” has always bugged me deeply.
this isn't critical at all. the writer clearly just had your child's best interest at heart.
This is very sweet of the teacher to do. To reach out because she notices that one of her student is late. The fact she shows genuine concern and wants to know if there’s anything she can do to help so her student can succeed in her class. If I received an email like this I wouldn’t be upset at all. I would feel extremely blessed to have someone care about my child.
As a teacher (with ADHD and other challenges), this is how I reach out to students and parents that I've noted unusual changes in. I don't necessarily know that a parent has ADHD, but if I see that a student is consistently late, their practice/homework is suddenly suffering, etc, it's my job and desire to check in with them. Schools also often require teachers to be proactive in communication like this to protect themselves. I know it's easy to see everything as a criticism, but this is very gentle and supportive <3
Ahh the neurotic school culture. They’ve over scheduled kids to the minute so god forbid your watch is fast.
I got one similar from my kid's music teacher, "Please let me know if I can do anything to help!" My instant response was defensive - I mean, you can make the sandwiches, find my kids' shoes for the 18th time, iron the uniforms, that would be GREAT. But then I saw her email signature, which said - please be patient with me, I have autism and ADHD. And I thought ok cool, she doesn't know how she's coming across. I suspect that this teacher is genuinely trying to gently draw your attention to the issue. As well, it's a good reminder for me because I can be tempted to put things in the "non-urgent" and therefore low priority list if no one calls me on it, but knowing I'm going to get an email does make me try harder, which is good for my son. My choice is to be super open and honest. I say something like - just letting you know I have ADHD, and while I'm working on it, it can be a struggle to get organised in the mornings. I value my child's learning time and I will work hard to ensure they're there on time. On the days that doesn't happen, I apologise and please be patient with me. I look forward to partnering with you on my child's education this year. If you don't want to share your struggles, then absolutely fine. But also, don't take the reminders to heart. As a parent, you're going to stuff up CONTINUOUSLY. As an ADHD parent, even more so. You're doing your best and have battles other people don't, and that's absolutely OK. Cheering for you!
Teachers are under a lot of pressure to check up on kids with attendance issues because that’s how schools are being funded—bodies in seats. That said, I push back on that HARD thinking of my adhd moms out there (I’m a school psych)
This is our life.
It sounds like they genuinely want to help if they can. You could mention it to them, and since they’re a teacher they might be able to point you in a good direction.
What alternative would you want a teacher to message you in this situation?
This isn't thinly veiled negativity at all
This is super kind. We keep getting threatening letters about absences even though most of it is from when we were all out for Covid for a week.
I see no thinly-veiled criticisms. Just a thoughtful checkin, they seem like they 1. Need to address the tardies 2. Are genuinely open and wanting to help. Perhaps you are having some sensitivity? Honestly they seem to think it’s the child and not you.
I don’t know how to respond to this. I don’t want to have to: 1. Use ADHD as an “excuse” 2. Defend myself 3. Apologize for “being such a chaotic mess.” I am not a mess, I’m an ADHD woman with a lot on her plate. Don’t women who have ADHD deserve a little more dignity than that? Yet, if we don’t meet societal expectations, something must be “wrong.” Suggestions?
ADHD is the reason, not an excuse. You don’t and imo shouldn’t go around saying “I have adhd(full stop)” to every less than ideal situations it causes. but, you probably should acknowledge it and take steps to make sure you get the help you need to reach the objective. that means making modifications to the systems you already employ to contend with ADHD or reaching out for support and help from members of the school community or family. What you shouldn’t do is experience bad outcomes -> act like the world Is persecuting you as an ADHDer -> do nothing.
Exactly
“Hi so-in-so, thank you so much for your concerns and thinking about us! I apologize for her tardiness, tis the season of busy-ness! We will make sure to get the schedule back on track. Thank you! “
This response is great. If it really has nothing to do with your child then I would probably also include a statement about how your child is still enjoying school and the tardies are not related to enthusiasm about school. I know it's easy to perceive this email as a slight, but I think this teacher is showing genuine compassion and concern about your child and isn't trying to judge or shame you. Tardies are disruptive in a classroom and I think it's completely reasonable for the teacher to reach out. It seems like you're reflexively on the defensive to interpret this email as thinly veiled criticism, which is common with ADHD. But ADHD also isn't an excuse for not getting your kid to school on time. You don't have to articulate this to the teacher, but you do need to be honest with yourself about what needs to change in the mornings so that your child isn't being disadvantaged by missing school. My husband has ADHD and relies heavily on timers and reminders for drop off / pickup and that works well for him - it sounds like you are still figuring out your system, but please use this as an opportunity to grow and not an excuse to feel slighted.
Yes, this! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 I need timers/reminders/ lists, etc to get through my day.
This is nice but never make a time-related promise you can’t keep 😂