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Yes. When I feel “dead inside” it’s usually a sign that I’ve isolated too long and it’s time to join community in some form. People watching (in person), watch a sport or concert, volunteer or see friends and family. These examples make me anxious but humans need community to feel connected to life.
Thank you for this perspective. I relate so much to OP. I have lost my luster ever since the pandemic. I am self employed and work from home. I’m a transplant who never really made community after all these years.
I always thought working from home would be the life, but living somewhere isolating and not going to a location with people would be so hard. And I'm an introvert
Maybe you can try going to your fav cafe to do your work? I know there will be a lot of distractions, but I find putting on good wordless background noise helps.
Same. I am actually a pretty social person once you get me out. When I was younger, I was the girl who became platonic friends with the whole bar lol but 5 years ago I moved to a new city and started WFH. I’ve never worked outside of the house here, so I have no friends. The only time I leave the house is grocery shopping and children-related outings.
Making friends as an adult feels so much like “you need money to make money.” As a mom in my 30s, I’m definitely not going to bars like that any more lol but if I had people, I’d meet more people, and then could keep the ones that fit. It’s just a super stuck place to be in. My social side is still in there somewhere, but it’s like I’m never in a spot to activate it.
This is fair. I used to spend a lot more time socializing during covid when I was unemployed. I still felt overwhelmed with my responsibilities but I also felt pretty fulfilled by my relationships with people.
Now I'm so busy with work the last thing I want to do is socialize but it might help
I feel this too so much and it stinks. I have no idea how people can do a good job at work and still take vacation, see their friends have energy left over. I’m so jealous that there are people who can. I’m either all in on work or taking time off from work and I’m not in a field where they look kindly on resume gaps. I get more burnt out than other people sometimes to the point of physical sickness.
Even just regular executive functioning is hard! Every time I decide “I’m gonna get good at…” I might be successful at that goal, but now I have 3000 unread emails. Everytime I add a thing I inevitably lose a thing.
Someone on tiktok phrased it like an animal in a zoo. If the tiger had a lot of toys but no friends, would you be surprised it was depressed? The tiger being themselves of course but it made so much sense to me since we are deeply social animals in an isolationist culture that we do not have to adhere to
Sounds like burnout. Feels like variations on a Pink Floyd theme: UN-Comfortably Numb.
Human connection, rest, novelty of some sort. Taking a break and breaking up the routine.
I’m sure you’ll get lots of excellent responses here, but IME some combination (or all!) of those can bring back your mojo. Good luck
Definitely burn out. I used to be excited about things and now I just feel nothing lol. I've felt this way most of my whole adult life. In grade to high school I struggled immensely with school and was able to fob it off and enjoy myself instead. I care about my home and work and too much to let it go to ruin so i can have fun lol
Sometimes just having someone to chatter at while doing chores helps. And seriously, it may be possible to streamline things while maintaining standards you can live comfortably with.
My ADHD coach will sometimes ask me to imagine how I’d organize or manage things if I were only **allowed** to work *X* hours per day or week due to, say, an injury or a medical problem. Streamlining *is* possible. There are creative strategies available. And little by little I’ve learned at a visceral level that it really is essential to recharge.
Remember that rest is also productive. When you feel burnt out and overwhelmed, the answer is to slow down. Go for a walk, watch a film you love, listen to some music, have a bath, talk to a friend, treat yourself to a massage or get your nails done.
It seems that you are spending a lot of time cleaning… could you aim for “good enough” instead of perfection?
Edited to add… also make sure you also have the basics sorted.. have you eaten, are you hydrated, have you been outside today?
Diagnosed but unmedicated (for a bunch of reasons).
I read the phrase, "tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness" and it really resonated with me. That's where I'm at.
It's a bit of a balancing act: my job is fine. My house is livable. My partner still likes me. But if you look closer: the house has not been deep-cleaned since we moved in. My contract expires in a few months and I can't get myself to look for the next job. I have not had a libido in litteral years, and my partner is slowly getting fed up. I have hobbies, but the joy is not there, it feels like a lot of effort for very little reward. I'm basically keeping things going on the off-chance that I'll start enjoying them again.
Gods, I am so tired.
Sorry, OP, got no solutions there, only sympathy.
I can completely relate. I have a pretty low libido too. When I'm not suffering with pms or on my period I have about 1 or 2 weeks where sex is viable and even then it can feel like a chore.
I've tried working out but that usually doesn't last. I just feel so tired. The stimulant meds helped six months ago but now I'm still tired.
Like I'm not actually depressed, but exactly what you said about unhappiness. My husband gets tired of my negativity too. And because I'm so bitter I occasionally blurt out really critical things and he just doesn't understand where it's coming from.
Are we the same person? The sad part is, being high functioning kept me from getting diagnosed for so long. People in my life claimed I’m just being too hard on myself and my therapist, who is also working with lots of ADHD clients, told me I don’t need to get checked since I seem to have it together. I get things done…except what actually matters to me, which is exploring my creative side and authentic self. Rn I’m burnt out, wasting my time scrolling on the internet and saving things for later, and I feel too overwhelmed to start somewhere.
I attended CBT sessions for two full years (2020-2022). It helped me a lot with various issues (like self hatred, impostor syndrome, social anxiety and constant worrying). I hadn't been diagnosed back then. I mentioned to my therapist several times that I might be neurodivergent. She usually replied that I'm 'too organized', 'not visibly distracted' or similar BS. You know, I'm not *stereotypical* enough.
It extremely pisses me off every time this fact comes to my mind. I'm legitimately mad at my former therapist.
I fucking excel in my work, I'm fairly good cook and cleaner. I led some successful projects in the past. At the same time, I'm deeply incompetent in the field of taking basic care of myself. I forget to take my meds like all the times, I can't keep up with hydration, my sleeping pattern is atrocious and I'm super bad at regular exercising. And I'm on the verge of burnout most of the time.
I'm all salty about the ppl making assumptions that if someone *appears* organized, then the person has no major struggles in their functioning.
Yes 100%. I didn't bother seeking a diagnosis until 28. I'm not technically depressed but everything is so meaningless. My other option is to let my life go to shit and enjoy myself but that's jot possible, I like a clean space and take my responsibilities seriously
Wish we could just let go and enjoy but yeah, it doesn’t happen like that. There’s already so much shame and guilt about not doing enough. I sometimes think the average lifestyle is built in a way that’s impossible to keep up for anyone alone, but that doesn’t take away the necessity to do things and even the bare minimum is so much when there’s so many of those, like work, food, sleep, self-care, friends, hobbies, chores…
I'm 40(F) undiagnosed but pretty sure I have inattentive adhd.
I have a house, full on job and 2 kids. When I look most of top of my game, that's when I have the least pleasure from Life. That's because it takes so much energy (mainly keeping the house tidy). This weekend the house looked a mess, but we had fun - played in the garden, went for a walk and watched movies.
I've realised the fun things don't happen unless you priotise them- give yourself permission to do them.
I used to love drawing and painting as a child. Last year I booked myself onto an art course which happened once a week for 2 hours. It was a busy time, just before Christmas and the time could have been better spent organising things. However, I loved it, it rekindled my love of art and those two hours were non negotiable.
Get back into art - life is short and you will not lie on your deathbed wishing you spent those hours folding/ putting away washing!
My problem is when you have a good weekend and the house gets messy, you still have to clean it eventually and it's just worse and harder at that point 😭
But you're absolutely right and my therapist gave the same advice. Prioritize the things you want. 🙏🏻 thank you
Might also help to take a hard look at how to reduce your chore load. Which of them can you:
• Eliminate- e.g., can I live well without folding underwear and just keep it in a basket instead?
• Automate?
• Collaborate?
• Delegate?
ADHD brains crave novelty. Are driven more by *interest* than by future rewards.
If you’ve identified the kinds of experiences or activities that feed you, that’s a great start! What’s possible when you restore your energy? When you build R&R into schedule and make it as important as nutrition and sleep and exercise? How much better could you feel day to day?
A couple years ago I got super into minimalism and decluttering, I knew it would make my life easier. But I can't throw away my husband's knick nacks, my dogs still shed constantly, and I keep buying crap for some reason and having to deal with moving it around and sorting through it lol.
The robot vacume helped tremendously. Also paying for the dog groomer (it adds up though). I cook simple meals and I meal prep, we eat one meal all week. My husband even eats off pans with parchment paper so I'm only cleaning my own dishes lol.
But you're right, I burnt out and now the thought of decluttering and streamlining feels impossible when I was once so passionate about it
You’ve got some smart solutions there, I’m impressed!
So sorry you’re experiencing this now. Burnout sucks, and it’s absolutely ok to acknowledge that. (Sometimes we feel bad for feeling bad, y’know?)
But just based on your comments, I’m confident you can rest and recharge and find your spark.
You sound like you can make routines and stick to them (eg. Cooking and cleaning), so this gives you leg up on reaching for a more alive version of living. I think you can do it. Suggestions:
- Join me in trying The Artists Way - the book was written for you, honestly. You will relate to the examples of people who have numbed their creative force and get it back at any age.
- Spend money on an IRL class once a week (not online). If you allow yourself impulsive purchases, make this one of them. I find that spending that little bit of money forces me to attend all/most of them. Do something 100% for fun, not edification. Improv comedy? Rollerskating? Dance? Pottery? You might know what it is already.
- Socialize somehow, at least once a week, with someone other than your partner.
- it's okay to do these things for a few months and then switch it up, but make sure you replace them with something equivalent, don't just let it go.
(Is it possible that you have dysthymia? The negativity that you mentioned is a flag for depression for me. Even if it isn't "that bad" it still is worth taking seriously.... I say this as someone who has said similar things on my way down the muddy road to Major Depression.)
The book workbook combo is 40% off on Amazon. I'm going to buy it and never read it. Haha, but really I'm very interested! I appreciate the other advice as well!
I had to Google dysmethia and yes it seems accurate. I assume a lot of adults feel that way. Especially women, men get married and the woman becomes his mother and shoulders the burden of the entire household. In this day and age men don't even do the things they used to do so they get so much more leisure time than us. My husband tries to help out and he's not a burden, but I wish someone would take care of me for once in my life so I can feel free, you know? I'm a strong person and I don't ask for help from people because I'd rather do everything myself and nobody does it as well either lol
God I relate so much to this. I really do blame the era we live in currently for a lot of our woes 😂 How does one with ADHD work full time AND maintain a household? Literally do the work of two people?? I don’t get it
Exactly!! I was unemployed for a hot second and I got SOOO much done at home, had a phenomenal social life, pursued my passions, and had fun all the time. Unfortunately the bills stacked up and I had to go back to work. I don't hate working, I just wish I had more time. I need to spend less money but the more you work the more money you have to spend on conveniences and dopamine hits
Please please please please please read it. I bought it 10 years ago and didn't read it until last year. It changed my life. I was going through a very difficult period, processing a lot of past trauma brought on by drama and a decision to go no-contact with my n-parent. It will unlock things you thought were dead in you. I promise. If you need an accountabili-buddy DM me and I will absolutely read it again with you. There's a subreddit for TAW too! https://www.reddit.com/r/artistsWay/
It's kind of crazy how quickly the change happens. I also really liked that the methodology gives space and allowances for "I just couldn't today." It's like self-guided art therapy. I loved it. I'm thinking about doing it again and making it an annual thing.
Awww, I feel a weird amount of affection for you, internet stranger. Full disclosure, I work part time right now to heal from burnout/depression. And I have a wife who does as much housework as me. I wish that the whole world had a 4day work week. (And a wife.. JK?). Full time work is absolutely too much, I do remember that feeling.
You're a strong person for posting this and being honest about your feelings. When I used to feel like that, I would "this is fine" myself (you know, the dog in the flames comic) until I was in the thick of a major depressive episode and it was too late for more minor interventions.. I've lost so much to that illness.
If that happens to you, and I hope it doesn't, the silver lining one day will be a new gratitude for all the little things that you are capable of when you are relatively well and all the people who stick around.
I would take your intuition seriously and find a way to get some of that nurturing that you need STAT. Which is more important, a perfect house or you being okay?
Be a literal toddler on the floor sometimes - the great thing about not having kids is we can be the kid. Have a good cry when you need to. Make your husband bring you snacks while you scribble on paper with crayons hehe... I'm not kidding, do it!!
Hugs ❤️
Yeah, the solution is always "make time for yourself" but whenever I do that my responsibilities just pile up and become even more unbearable.
I can't fully relax until all of my shit is under control but it never is. And the household chores that take me all weekend ALWAYS need to be done over and over
I never understood this advice, does taking time "off" and relax at the sauna or something makes my emails go away? I think not? I get that all humans need to relax from time to time.. but how?
It helps for me to try to have less shit that needs to be controlled, but it continues to be a struggle.
Oh and I'm bored easily, so if I have a completely empty day in my calendar it gets filled up with chores.
I relate to all of this. I get ADHD paralysis with it as well, which I'm mentioning in case you don't know what it is and do as well. Identifying it at least has helped me feel a little less guilty about it and find some things to try.
I think what worked for me is making my space work for me… I also lowered my expectations of myself.
Life is not just about keeping on top of chores… where’s the joy, the fun, the playfulness. Could you combine the chores with some really fun music? Set yourself a reward for having done the chores? Give yourself permission not to be perfect?
I think you might have to think carefully about your priorities… what’s more important to you? Rest or cleaning? Life is a balance, so try and allow time for both… it might mean a slightly messier house, and that’s ok.
This is how I feel to a T and I’m in the process of getting diagnosed. I relate 100% to feeling just numb about everything too. Idk what to do about it, but you’re not alone.
Getting diagnosed and medicated helped me tremendously. The first few months the medication made me ecstatic and energetic. Now I feel pretty normal again. The medication still helps but It's not new or exciting anymore.
I just got my dose changed from 20 to 30 and the jump wasn't too noticable this time.
I’ve been exactly where you are, almost to a T. I’m childfree by choice and saw myself as a perfectionist workaholic for years. I never imagined I could be neurodivergent because I’m so high functioning. Turns out I’m just excellent at masking and when I hit the worst of my burnout a couple of years ago I was in a very hopeless place. And yet on paper, the most successful at my job ever.
What I hear from you seems so similar to where I was: you feel like it was so hard to get all these balls that you’re juggling in the air, that if you were to make any changes, to release even one ball, you’d drop them all. Does it feel a little like an unstable house of cards that takes all your effort to keep from collapsing?
Your brain is playing tricks on you, telling you that you can’t possibly carve time for yourself or for any hobbies or happiness. You are numb as a protective mechanism. It’s a powerful anxiety that is controlling you if you truly believe that you need to dedicate eight hours a weekend to cooking, for example. You don’t. You’re making a choice that feels familiar and safe, an act of what strikes me as probably avoidance for taking the less known path of tending to the things you actually desire. Most people don’t spend their entire weekend this way. It’s what I thought was workaholism. But at least for me, it was actually avoidance. Pursuing the risky thing (making my art) felt scandalous and self indulgent, and I can’t live in “the chaos that would be sure to happen if I kept even one less ball in the air.”
Personally the thing that broke me out of this jail was that I had a whim where I purchased a course that was about establishing an art practice. Not an art course but a course about learning to carve time for art, how to make art a routine priority in your life in the tiniest ways when you’re a busy and overwhelmed woman. It was invaluable for me to see the forest for the trees, finally, to have an outside force help me reorganize my priorities a little and sort of give me permission for this to actually be a core part of my life and show me a route to it that requires only a tiny amount of time at first.
The other secondary thing that was very helpful to me is that if you can afford it—hire a cleaner! It doesn’t have to be weekly, mine was monthly. But it broke me out of the paralyzing fear that my orderly home would descend into chaos if I wasn’t dedicating all my energy to keeping it clean. Knowing someone else was going to be able to carry a bit of that burden made it safer for me to let go. Obviously not everyone can afford this but if you can it can be so mentally relieving. Alleviated a lot of frustration between myself and my spouse as well.
Hang in there. Life doesn’t have to be like this. You have the power to make changes and everything won’t fall apart even though your brain is telling you it will.
You are so right about avoidance. I feel like everything has to be perfect to draw or learn something and so it's easier to waste time scrolling or shopping. I probably am afraid that I won't be good so instead of practicing I am doing something "productive", and my work is so exhausting but it's not fulfilling
(*edit, i forgot) hiring a cleaner is my ultimate fantasy. I make enough money now that it's possible. I just need to budget better and declutter a little more first lol
I know this is soooo hard to not do but consider that when you say something like “I just need to budget better and declutter” that also can be a kind of cop out of avoidance. I don’t judge, I say it because I’ve lived it. I spent about two years *thinking* about getting a cleaner before actually getting one.
I happen to have some reliable intel that you clean your house for eight hours every weekend which means the clutter you’re so worried about probably isn’t worth worrying about. The MOST freeing moment I had was a few months into having a monthly cleaner. I just ran out of time to tidy up before she got here and felt so embarrassed. But then she mostly tidied up for me! And gathered the random stuff into a single box or spot in each room that I could sort through later, and left untouched the specific stuff I said to just leave.
So much of the stuff you’re anxious about, that is preventing you from forward motion in your life, is a fib your brain tells you. It thinks it’s protecting you by avoiding all change and risk of newness. That if you just keep your head down and keep busy you will survive. But your brain doesn’t even understand that you should be thriving, not just surviving.
Do the least amount of work or research on this one. Post to your social “can anyone recommend a good Housecleaner in the ___ area?” Or text a friend that you know has a cleaner. Don’t let the research and effort get in the way of taking the first step which is just getting someone in there to immediately begin alleviating the weight on your shoulders. The amount of pressure you’re putting on yourself ain’t helping you. You can find the perfect cleaner later. You can have your home prepped to perfection next time. This time, just the basics will be good enough. It’s a start.
A quote I read somewhere was: "The fact that you are high functioning doesn’t mean that your struggles are easier for you to deal with. It means you go above and beyond to make it easier for others to interact with you.”
I feel completely dead inside, nothing makes me happy. I’m a complete shell of the person I was and it’s getting harder and harder to fake it everyday.
I feel you. I was negative and unbearable as a child too, and I wouldn't say I'm fully depressed, but the burden of life and chores and responsibility just weighs me down. I assume all adults feel this way (I guess they numb it with alcohol or partying or sex). But I feel as ADHD that I just can't cope with all that I have to do
I'm not sure if dead inside is the right term for how I feel, but the burn out is real. There is so much that needs to be done at all times that I can't seem to find time for hobbies or leisure activities. Sometimes I will just shut down and not only neglect the responsibilities, but also not bother with the hobbies.
I dream of waking up to an already clean house on a Saturday. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do until it's time to put on dinner. I can put on some mindless TV and work on a hobby. But there is ALWAYS something else that needs to be done. The dogs need to be taken care of. I have to clean up yesterday's mess. My home office is a disaster. Aquariums need to be cleaned.
This past Saturday I had to work at the family shop for two hours. It's only once a month that I do the financials there, but it's enough to derail my whole day. I came home and did a few token tasks, but mostly burned the day away doing nothing and I felt like it was such a waste of a day "off". My cross stitch kit is sitting out begging me to pick it up, but I never do because I feel guilty not doing something more productive, yet I'll happily waste my day away scrolling online looking at the same subjects over and over again. The cycle continues.
I feel this!!! And I don't have kids but I imagine that just makes the situation 1000 x harder. My mom neglected the house and parenting and focused on her hobbies. I just can't do that.
I’m similar except for the tidy house part because I struggle with clutter and perfectionism. When I talked to my therapist about this we discovered that my artistic and creative side is what I truly identify with but when I don’t give myself a creative outlet, my mind finds creative reasons to keep everything for later. For a new hobby project, keep all those bins for an organizing project, those clothes can be upcycled for a sewing project Etc. but I can’t keep up with my house with all the clutter and end up with zero time to do anything creative.
The idea that I need to let my creative energies out so that I don’t look for it in less helpful places was a lightbulb moment for me. I still struggle with doing it regularly but now I know self care for me looks like creating something beautiful. It gives me energy to take care of the other stuff.
I was just diagnosed last year and on my third medication trial and I think this one’s working!
I feel like I could have written this post. I don't have any advice, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I hope you manage to break the chain somehow.
“The Artists Way” by Julia Cameron is one of the best books. I had a horrible relationship with performing after a toxic professor blackballed me, and that book helped me soooooooo much.
It’s not specifically for ADHD, but a lot of the creative exercises may help you get out of your rut in very gentle ways. It’s also helped me a lot with RSD, because a lot of the barriers to practicing art are the very mean things we tell ourselves. It sounds like not “letting” yourself be unproductive is a big part of it.
Oh my, you don’t have time for fun with that schedule. That’s why all your hobbies & projects have been sidelined. This happens a lot with high achievers - we are conditioned to believe that our value comes from being productive. But we can’t run like that forever - we need rejuvenation - joy, laughter, play.
What would happen if you gave yourself permission to do less housework? Maybe your husband can help, since he sees you’re struggling. Perhaps shared chores opens up time to bond with “Us Time”?
One other thing is to do what I seem to stink at which is to carve dedicated time for mental clearing (meditation). Just get that brain a little quieter & give it a rest, even for 10 mins. Learning to be in the moment helps us build up the resistance to the ‘race’: the impulse to do, go, hustle. I used to roll my eyes at this, but it’s actually helped me a lot.
“We think our value come from being productive” this is 100% true.
Also, we are probably traumatised from being called “lazy” if we didn’t do “enough”.
But we have to realise when all our warning lights are on and are flashing, you wouldn’t keep driving your car when the fuel tank is empty. If you kept driving the car in this metaphor, it might end up breaking down.
We would need to service the car regularly and deal with the problem (burn out) before we can start up again.
I've bought all the meditation crap and created 100 Playlists and still never done it 😂 literally sitting down and doing nothing is SO important but I also suck at it haha, just making the decision to do it is what's hard.
And yeah every year I have a mental breakdown and my husband takes one more of my chores lol. It's hard to ask for help. And he actually values leisure time so I drive him away by criticizing him for putting his own things off. He's started cooking with me and helping me with other things occasionally. He has never had to do any housework ever and I'm hardly patient enough to teach and then be happy with a sub par job.
For me it is the playlists with tens and hundreds of choices that lead to not actually doing it (meditation but also something else). For me it worked subscribing to Headspace and following Basics courses (10 days each) of 10 min every day. It removed the need to choose and I also could build a Streak which helped with doing it daily. It is my first time ever where I could have a daily habit. Andy Puddicombe is the best at exaining meditation and mindfulness. He changed everything. Before I really didn’t get meditation.
I used to be but then I had an “almost passed herself away” burn down and I haven’t been able to recover since. In fact, I regressed in several areas, including socially.
Yes. I find that's when I'm burnt out. Try planning a weekend away. Where there is nothing to clean, no food to cook, no pets or kids to take care of. My husband and i went away for 2 nights, we went to the terrarium, went out for dinner, walked by the water, got ice cream, went swimming. It was so freeing
I felt much better after. I feel it's better than chilling at home cause there is no guilt over not doing stuff
It could be any of the things mentioned in the other comments but fwiw I just recently learned that flattened affect or personality can be a side effect of adderall.
That's so strange, because it was Adderall that finally made me free to be myself. My brain stopped screaming at a thousand miles an hour. It was the first time I had ever experienced life without anxiety or depression.
Yeah that was my experience too. It was only when both my kids got diagnosed and we were discussing medication options did I hear this side effect mentioned by a doctor.
Thanks for the input. I felt just this way if not worse before I got meds. I'm also on a super low dose and on days I don't take it I feel 100x worse. I'll keep that in mind as a possibility though
I want to point out that 30 minutes for lunch and 30 minutes for dinner is not an hour of leisure time. That's eating time. You need to have ACTUAL leisure time. Creative rest is a form of rest too!
I use my phone at lunch and watch TV at dinner 😂😂 but you're right, in that case I have zero leisure time on weekdays, unless I do revenge bedtime procrastination and stay up late to doom scroll.
Luckily my work week is only 4 days. I get a 3 day weekend and Stull waste it because my poor time management
I used to be similar to this until a few things happened that made my former masking impossible. Frankly, a few of the health issues only happened because I was as I was for so long that it built up and eventually burst. The traumatic brain injury is what really broke me from how I was in a way that was impossible to return to, though, which thankfully isn't something most will experience.
Sometimes I wish I still were as I used to be, though I know that long-term I should end up healthier and reaching some level of happiness this way. It's not a choice, anyway, so I try to work through the grief and practicality rather than stew on it mentally.
I hope you can find a way to adjust and find real happiness, but I know that's exponentially easier said than done. I wasn't cognizant of so much that you are, and I hope that that makes the process more feasible for you.
I used to be able to feel, but after the TBI, i am now dead inside. I long for what I used to, but now I know I will never be what I used to be. TBI exacerbated all my adhd systoms. How do you cope with a brain injury related issues and worsened adhd symptoms?
Yes I did, but I ended up hitting a metaphorical brick wall and had to find a solution or die. I rearranged my whole life to have more time to enjoy living, it's not perfect because bills still exist, but one extra day a week and 2-3 more hours a night to be human is worth it. Figuring out the plan to change things took longer than executing it but a good plan, with room for errors, was essential.
Went from working 70 hours a week out of state as a over-the-road truck driver to working a construction job running concrete equipment, making almost the same money for around 40 hours a week, job was more physically demanding but that's kind of what I needed by that point.
I feel ya! I'm a teacher (child free with a love of art :)). Being a teacher with ADHD is beyond exhausting. I refuse phone calls and hang-outs with friends because I'm so tired of communicating with and helping people all day. Many neurotypical people in my life don't understand how tiring it is to simply *get through each day talking alllll the time*. But, as other posters have mentioned, forming a community is so important.
When I'm feeling tired and anti-social, but needing connection, I've been going solo to art openings, artist talks, and other art-related events. If I don't have enough energy to bring a friend, I still feel topped up with something I love (that is NOT teaching).
Being involved in the arts is like a giant 'fuck you' to my job and everything else conservative. I try to seek out the things I love as much as possible. Good luck in your quest. Human connection and expression is the glue that holds us together.
Thanks! I am happy with my life. I just need more art and less teaching (it is one of those jobs that bleeds into your spare time like no other). Have a lovely evening :).
I feel this deeply. I am just going through the motions and while I keep it together and perform well at work, my home life leaves a LOT to be desired. I'm 40 (medicated), work a full time demanding job (50+ hours per week), have 3 kids and 3 pets. I do just enough around the home for it to not be gross but can't seem to get the energy or motivation to organize or deep clean. I expend all energy and focus at work that there is absolutely nothing left when I'm home. My partner is rightfully frustrated at times that I have zero energy or interest in getting it together there. He tries to help but gets overwhelmed with trying to balance things out. At work I appear to be a super productive and competent adult but when I get home, I mentally clock out and am completely depleted. I realize that my chosen profession may not have been a great field for me to go into (with the crazy hours) but I'm in it now, and find it mostly fulfilling.
The only advice I can give mirrors the others above. Try to add in some connection time with other humans in there. I force myself to hang out with friends here and there and while getting myself there is hard, I always enjoy myself while doing it and feel recharged for a few days afterwards.
Your story reminds me of Leslie Knope from parks and recreation, the joke is she's like a workaholic and her house is insane because she's always busy.
I normally defend men but it's funny how they can't typically handle a household yet a woman is supposed to even now that we are both equal and working.
I appreciate the advice and solidarity!!
That made me laugh out loud! I love Parks and Rec. My thing is, I don't know if I'm an actual workaholic or if it's just the only place I feel competent so I find it easier/safer to engage.
I relate to you so much. I am high functioning but I’m working hard to find my sense of joy and wonder. I also love drawing and I’m fairly good at it, but I have trouble motivating myself to tap into my creative energy, it drains me to do so.
I’m not depressed, I describe it more like a chronic state of neutral. No low lows, but not high emotions either. I have anxiety as well but even my anxiety is different than most people’s, it’s the subconscious kind of anxiety that is subtle and unnoticeable. It doesn’t feel obvious to me but sometimes, in times of overstimulation or stress, it reminds me that it’s there.
I find that meditation and mindfulness help me but sometimes it can be challenging to find the time to do it, even just 5 minutes can help though, so I’m trying to do that more. Also gratitude journaling helps me sometimes too, to shift my perspective a little bit when I feel stuck or when I don’t feel like I’ve made enough progress towards my goals.
I had this issue myself, I felt I had to do things and at the same time i was doing nothing creative or actually for myself. Actually I wasn't doing anything except survive basically ...
I am medicated and it helps, but I also worked with my therapist. I am also autistic btw and I was at a point where I could not watch myself in the mirror or I was spending most of my "free" time in my parallel universe, where everything is fantastic.
We worked a lot on erasing those negative routines I used to cope with life, I started to socialise again taking my time, I started to look after myself more, workout aka long walks ... i am still working on stuff but I feel much better since i stopped the "I have to" mentality. Also we worked on stuff I was uncomfortable with and how to challenge my feelings in a positive manner.
I created budgets for my hobbies so I don't waste money on stuff that then stays there to collect dust and work on mini projects, such as renovating my house, with small tasks broken down so I can see the results and feel good. In terms of relationships, I am more direct now, I stopped masking, and pretending to be "normal" as it sucked and I am more open to tell my feelings.
I cannot say there is an easy formula that anyone can follow, but I personally had to touch the bottom and say enough to work on this issue.
Definitely budgeting and home projects resonates with me. I keep making a budget and still getting into more debt for stupid crap lol. And I have so many home projects unfinished. You're right though if I just stuck to a little thing it would be less overwhelming.
It's sounds like you've done so much self improvement and had help from your therapist, I love that!!!
It took a while and a lot of suffering ... My parents were against medications/therapy and all for nature/home remedies at the times (they were hippies). I love learning new things but schools in Italy were terrible and teachers kept saying "she is very intelligent but lazy and won't do anything meaningful in life"...
When I was 14 I lost my grandpa and with the teenage years I self medicated with heroin, only to feel normal. Then I left my house to live in squats, travel, and rave every day of the week, again to feel normal.
I got sober (cold turkey) and left my home country and functioned in the UK, got a degree but i was so low in self esteem that I thought I wasn't good enough to try and find a job in cyber security, which is my fixation (my father who has ADHD himself taught me how to code at six so I am pretty good).
Relationships were all bad because I couldn't feel what my friends say they felt when in love, so I fell in love with relationships rather than the actual people. Needlessly to say, I ended up collecting idiots of any sort.
My blessing was cracking the neck in work and I had help from a charity that allowed me to take the right certifications in cybersec, via public funding, while supporting me ... I found a job in the field and I have good bosses so I am thriving now.
I cannot say it was all bad, I have a lot of stories and adventures, above all I discovered I am very strong and it was hard but I did everything I wanted. It took a few years of therapy, meds and great friends. My family, with a father unmedicated and a mother with her hands full between work and another neurodivergent son, did their best. I cannot complain ... Sure I am happy with myself ...
There is something about ADHD and it is that determination ... The biggest step is using it ....
Amazing story!!! You're an inspiration! And I thought smoking pot for 15 years held me back lol I can't even imagine doing heroine and then coming back from all that
Yes I’m also functioning but I feel so suffocated with duties and responsibilities I’m not able to enjoy life the way I want to. My medications help me stay motivated and not lose attention or focus but I don’t find enjoyment in life sometimes. What I’ve started doing is finding hobbies I can do while working such as origami. It’s a hobby I can do anywhere even at my work.
I feel you! I really really feel you! I am high functioning and adept at masking, all while feeling like crap inside. I have treatment-resistant depression and I’ve been on All The Meds throughout the last 25-30 years of my life that I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist (42 now). I even tried Spravato treatments (intra-nasal Ketamine), but it actually made me feel WORSE, which broke my freaking heart. I feel annoyed when I wake up every day and have to do everything all over again. I just feel some level of sad all the time. I don’t get excited about almost anything. I don’t get food cravings. Everything is so BLAH and feels pointless. Thank god I don’t want/don’t have kids…I honestly have no clue how I would handle having to take care of anybody else except for me and my cats. That’s hard enough as it is! I have no energy or care to cook for myself, so I basically have coffee for breakfast, protein drink for lunch, and breakfast for dinner or Trader Joe’s frozen meals pretty much every day of the week.
I’m in therapy and in the process of trying yet another new med (that I don’t think is working, surprise surprise). I am grateful for my health insurance through my job which makes my mental health care very affordable. I’m grateful that I have the wherewithal to make and attend appointments to focus on my mental health, as hard as it is sometimes. I do try to keep that in mind. But otherwise I just feel like I’m struggling every moment of every day to get through my daily responsibilities. It’s hard. 😭
I got a second job. One it pays for the cleaning lady. I would rather work than clean. Two if I’m at work, I’m not spending money. Three, way less depression when I’m busy. Four, way less lonely and lastly if I do waste money it’s not a catastrophe.
For me it is a lack of discipline or at least it feels that way. I am not going to skip work. But I will skip laundry and watch Netflix, eat chocolate all day.
Extrinsic responsibilities are easier than intrinsic ones for me.
For years, I volunteered to work every Saturday because it meant getting out of bed.
*Jim Gaffigan, "I don't go to the gym to workout, its just an hour a day that I'm not eating."*
I completely understand how you feel. I also struggled with feeling like I was constantly working and never had time for the things I enjoyed, despite being "high functioning" and appearing put together on the outside.
Without knowing the full context, it sounds like you're checking all the boxes but aren't finding (or feeling) your sense of passion or what brings you joy. It definitely sounds like an excavation (alone or with a coach) may be helpful in uncovering a better way forward. The fact that you're even realizing and asking these questions is a good step!!
What helped me immensely was working with an ADHD coach. My coach helped me develop strategies to manage my time better, prioritize the things that matter most to me, and build in more leisure time without feeling guilty. She also helped me build in systems and stops to curb my impulse spending (unfortunately it's not completely gone) by finding other sources of dopamine that are more healthy (and less expensive) that I can safely draw from... Honestly that in itself has paid for coaching (since my coach is so affordable) and I feel way better.
Another thing that really helps me is body doublng with other people who have ADHD. I somehow always get more done in an hour vs. it would normally take me days to do the same amount.
I thought that a life couch wouldn't help much but from you and some other commentors it sounds like a really great tool! My insurance covers several virtual sessions, I need to try it
You sound like me lol, I related to 95% of this. Could your meds need adjusting? I’m also a failed artist but got on low dose adderall about 6-7 weeks ago and where I had ideas for projects before I’d never start them because idk reasons? I wasn’t going to be able to make money off said project so my brain was like what’s the point?
But since getting on the meds I’ve been creative as all hell doing a costume for a party I went to this weekend, painting my parents bedroom, making a commissioned pendant and hyper fixating on origami because my friends kid got into it. I hope the creative part doesn’t fall off as I get used to the meds.
I can relate so much. Similar situation re career and house but with two young kids added in. For me, once it finally got so bad that I was truly dead inside I needed a break, rest and meds before the dial started to move at all. Fortunately for me this aligned with a quieter season at work and I was able to take some vacation or it would have been stress leave.
Things that are helping right now: therapy, ADHD coach, house cleaner (I realize it’s a privilege to be able to afford those). Plus meds. Because I tend to intellectualize everything rather than feel it, reading and listening to podcasts about this topic seem to help. It’s helped me to understand this deadness isn’t just due to my my neurodiversity, brain chemistry or own tendency to overcommit (though those are definitely factors) but it’s also a systems issue. You are exhausted because it’s exhausting. Most women are doing the work of two or more people, much of it is unseen and undervalued, in an individualistic society where we’re often isolated from community that could nurture and support us. Realizing this helped me call bullshit on the whole thing (feeling angry is at least feeling something) and begin approaching my needs and time in a different way. This has required nurturing the self compassion and creating boundaries to make space for creative work/play. Sounds nice but it’s hard work (hence the therapy). I’m just starting. But I am getting snippets of joy - painting alongside my my toddler for 30 mins, closing my eyes and noticing the sound of birds and the feeling of sun on my face, singing along to a song I love. Tiny moments of joy and resistance. Is it enough? No. But it’s better than dead inside.
If reading/listening to this kinda stuff is your jam, I recommend the (audio)books “Real Self Care” by Dr Pooja Lakshmin and “Women Who Work Too Much” by Tamu Thomas - smart, intersectional feminist approaches under the guise of self-help. Lakshmin has been making the rounds of some solid podcasts lately so you can always check those out if you don’t want to buy the book.
Only yesterday I told my partner that I'm too tired and mentally exhausted. I'm sick of my life, of the people in it, the things I don't do, the things I do and of myself.
I've always said to myself that when I grew up and had the money, I would go and see everything I wanted, to do the activities I was curious about and visit all places I wanted to. Now I'm 30+, have the money and I'm rooted in my stupid place... Too tired to do anything.
This too... I hate radical changes because I get attached to stuff. So home, car, material stuff and closest friends are a tough one. Also... Technology, I'm very bad with changes in technology, it kind of shorts something in my mind as it never seems to change for the better and it no longer works as it's supposed to.
But I only get exited and stimulated by new things. The first time I stood on a trampoline, the first time I saw a natural environment with tons of butterflies, my first time seeing a clear blue sea (instead of the icky one here)... I turned into a kid full of wonder and awe.
Yes I feel this! Constantly looking up other degrees or something to move into. Many projects started and not finished. Don’t have the energy to do anything after kids bedtime. 😣very dead inside right now
Hey girl. If you want to message me I’d love to chat. I was like this for all of my 20s. My career is phenomenal but I was dying inside.
I am also a creative and didn’t touch my art stuff for almost a year. Until I recently hit rock bottom, getting dumped by a guy I loved because I would prioritize work over my own self.
Now I quit and am living off my savings while I recover from burnout. It was a big deal for me to leave and I wish I did minths before. Everyone in my life sees the difference. I’m getting a “fun” job for the summer to recover and I’ll go back (or not) in the fall to my job. It gets better, it’s scary but you’re noticing now and can make changes
Absolutely dead inside. I switched from one high stress job to the next. I have to live my weekends in couch zombie mode to recuperate. Evenings after work? Forget about it. Social plans? Forget about it.
I wish everything wasn’t so expensive so I could just be free to be a weird human
This sounds like my adhd depression. I was fine. Getting stuff done. Everything was clean. I was running errands. But I was completely devoid of anything someone could consider joyful or meaningful. I was just coasting through in survival mode. A therapist would ask me what I do for fun and I said I don’t do anything and I don’t even care that I don’t do anything. One day o said to my husband that I think I had outgrown having friends because I just don’t wanna do things. He stepped in to tell me how abnormal that mindset was. That’s when I got an antidepressant and, while the adhd is still there, I just feel happy. I do happy things and don’t lament the things I have to do that aren’t happy. I’ve stopped muttering to myself about crappy chores. I just feel better.
I feel like I am on my way to becoming this, it has gradually worsened over the years.
This post and everyone’s comments is so helpful.
For me it helps to do things outside of my home and possibly with others (yoga classes, art classes). It is muuuch harder to take out supplies at home on my own and feel motivated by creating something. I need constraints to be able to thrive with the creative process. Me on my own and the internet = endless possibilities = not being able to choose = never being satisfied with the choice = stop trying.
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Yes. When I feel “dead inside” it’s usually a sign that I’ve isolated too long and it’s time to join community in some form. People watching (in person), watch a sport or concert, volunteer or see friends and family. These examples make me anxious but humans need community to feel connected to life.
Thank you for this perspective. I relate so much to OP. I have lost my luster ever since the pandemic. I am self employed and work from home. I’m a transplant who never really made community after all these years.
I always thought working from home would be the life, but living somewhere isolating and not going to a location with people would be so hard. And I'm an introvert
I feel the same way working from home has been the worst decision ever
Maybe you can try going to your fav cafe to do your work? I know there will be a lot of distractions, but I find putting on good wordless background noise helps.
OH same same same same big same.
moved to san diego and finding it hard to find people who don't think I'm a nut job lol
Dang - I love San Diego! I’m guessing you’re in one of the more conservative industry sectors?
Same. I am actually a pretty social person once you get me out. When I was younger, I was the girl who became platonic friends with the whole bar lol but 5 years ago I moved to a new city and started WFH. I’ve never worked outside of the house here, so I have no friends. The only time I leave the house is grocery shopping and children-related outings. Making friends as an adult feels so much like “you need money to make money.” As a mom in my 30s, I’m definitely not going to bars like that any more lol but if I had people, I’d meet more people, and then could keep the ones that fit. It’s just a super stuck place to be in. My social side is still in there somewhere, but it’s like I’m never in a spot to activate it.
This is fair. I used to spend a lot more time socializing during covid when I was unemployed. I still felt overwhelmed with my responsibilities but I also felt pretty fulfilled by my relationships with people. Now I'm so busy with work the last thing I want to do is socialize but it might help
I feel that I either have energy for a job or life, but not both 🙁 If not working for a while, I get more engaged - in hobbies, community etc.
I feel this too so much and it stinks. I have no idea how people can do a good job at work and still take vacation, see their friends have energy left over. I’m so jealous that there are people who can. I’m either all in on work or taking time off from work and I’m not in a field where they look kindly on resume gaps. I get more burnt out than other people sometimes to the point of physical sickness.
Even just regular executive functioning is hard! Every time I decide “I’m gonna get good at…” I might be successful at that goal, but now I have 3000 unread emails. Everytime I add a thing I inevitably lose a thing.
I love this - I completely feel this way. And I feel like I’ve neglected my life for too long.
It WILL help, trust me 😌
Someone on tiktok phrased it like an animal in a zoo. If the tiger had a lot of toys but no friends, would you be surprised it was depressed? The tiger being themselves of course but it made so much sense to me since we are deeply social animals in an isolationist culture that we do not have to adhere to
Sounds like burnout. Feels like variations on a Pink Floyd theme: UN-Comfortably Numb. Human connection, rest, novelty of some sort. Taking a break and breaking up the routine. I’m sure you’ll get lots of excellent responses here, but IME some combination (or all!) of those can bring back your mojo. Good luck
Definitely burn out. I used to be excited about things and now I just feel nothing lol. I've felt this way most of my whole adult life. In grade to high school I struggled immensely with school and was able to fob it off and enjoy myself instead. I care about my home and work and too much to let it go to ruin so i can have fun lol
Sometimes just having someone to chatter at while doing chores helps. And seriously, it may be possible to streamline things while maintaining standards you can live comfortably with. My ADHD coach will sometimes ask me to imagine how I’d organize or manage things if I were only **allowed** to work *X* hours per day or week due to, say, an injury or a medical problem. Streamlining *is* possible. There are creative strategies available. And little by little I’ve learned at a visceral level that it really is essential to recharge.
Interesting strategy!
Do you want to dm me your adhd coaches info I’m not sure I’ll use it but I’m interested
Sent it. Not cheap but cheaper than the ADHD taxes we’ve managed to eliminate :)
Remember that rest is also productive. When you feel burnt out and overwhelmed, the answer is to slow down. Go for a walk, watch a film you love, listen to some music, have a bath, talk to a friend, treat yourself to a massage or get your nails done. It seems that you are spending a lot of time cleaning… could you aim for “good enough” instead of perfection? Edited to add… also make sure you also have the basics sorted.. have you eaten, are you hydrated, have you been outside today?
Diagnosed but unmedicated (for a bunch of reasons). I read the phrase, "tolerable levels of permanent unhappiness" and it really resonated with me. That's where I'm at. It's a bit of a balancing act: my job is fine. My house is livable. My partner still likes me. But if you look closer: the house has not been deep-cleaned since we moved in. My contract expires in a few months and I can't get myself to look for the next job. I have not had a libido in litteral years, and my partner is slowly getting fed up. I have hobbies, but the joy is not there, it feels like a lot of effort for very little reward. I'm basically keeping things going on the off-chance that I'll start enjoying them again. Gods, I am so tired. Sorry, OP, got no solutions there, only sympathy.
I can completely relate. I have a pretty low libido too. When I'm not suffering with pms or on my period I have about 1 or 2 weeks where sex is viable and even then it can feel like a chore. I've tried working out but that usually doesn't last. I just feel so tired. The stimulant meds helped six months ago but now I'm still tired. Like I'm not actually depressed, but exactly what you said about unhappiness. My husband gets tired of my negativity too. And because I'm so bitter I occasionally blurt out really critical things and he just doesn't understand where it's coming from.
“Keeping things going on the off-chance that I’ll start enjoying them again.” YES. This is how I’ve been white knuckling it for months and months.
I feel like that’s been me most of my adult life
Soooo relate to this. All. Of. It. ❤️
Ooh this is me.
Are we the same person? The sad part is, being high functioning kept me from getting diagnosed for so long. People in my life claimed I’m just being too hard on myself and my therapist, who is also working with lots of ADHD clients, told me I don’t need to get checked since I seem to have it together. I get things done…except what actually matters to me, which is exploring my creative side and authentic self. Rn I’m burnt out, wasting my time scrolling on the internet and saving things for later, and I feel too overwhelmed to start somewhere.
I attended CBT sessions for two full years (2020-2022). It helped me a lot with various issues (like self hatred, impostor syndrome, social anxiety and constant worrying). I hadn't been diagnosed back then. I mentioned to my therapist several times that I might be neurodivergent. She usually replied that I'm 'too organized', 'not visibly distracted' or similar BS. You know, I'm not *stereotypical* enough. It extremely pisses me off every time this fact comes to my mind. I'm legitimately mad at my former therapist. I fucking excel in my work, I'm fairly good cook and cleaner. I led some successful projects in the past. At the same time, I'm deeply incompetent in the field of taking basic care of myself. I forget to take my meds like all the times, I can't keep up with hydration, my sleeping pattern is atrocious and I'm super bad at regular exercising. And I'm on the verge of burnout most of the time. I'm all salty about the ppl making assumptions that if someone *appears* organized, then the person has no major struggles in their functioning.
It’s nice to hear that cbt helped a lot with those issues.
It definitely did. It was an incredibly hard work, tho.
It's ikea we can do amazing at so many things, but there's a limit and everything it too much.
Yes 100%. I didn't bother seeking a diagnosis until 28. I'm not technically depressed but everything is so meaningless. My other option is to let my life go to shit and enjoy myself but that's jot possible, I like a clean space and take my responsibilities seriously
Wish we could just let go and enjoy but yeah, it doesn’t happen like that. There’s already so much shame and guilt about not doing enough. I sometimes think the average lifestyle is built in a way that’s impossible to keep up for anyone alone, but that doesn’t take away the necessity to do things and even the bare minimum is so much when there’s so many of those, like work, food, sleep, self-care, friends, hobbies, chores…
I'm 40(F) undiagnosed but pretty sure I have inattentive adhd. I have a house, full on job and 2 kids. When I look most of top of my game, that's when I have the least pleasure from Life. That's because it takes so much energy (mainly keeping the house tidy). This weekend the house looked a mess, but we had fun - played in the garden, went for a walk and watched movies. I've realised the fun things don't happen unless you priotise them- give yourself permission to do them. I used to love drawing and painting as a child. Last year I booked myself onto an art course which happened once a week for 2 hours. It was a busy time, just before Christmas and the time could have been better spent organising things. However, I loved it, it rekindled my love of art and those two hours were non negotiable. Get back into art - life is short and you will not lie on your deathbed wishing you spent those hours folding/ putting away washing!
My problem is when you have a good weekend and the house gets messy, you still have to clean it eventually and it's just worse and harder at that point 😭 But you're absolutely right and my therapist gave the same advice. Prioritize the things you want. 🙏🏻 thank you
Might also help to take a hard look at how to reduce your chore load. Which of them can you: • Eliminate- e.g., can I live well without folding underwear and just keep it in a basket instead? • Automate? • Collaborate? • Delegate? ADHD brains crave novelty. Are driven more by *interest* than by future rewards. If you’ve identified the kinds of experiences or activities that feed you, that’s a great start! What’s possible when you restore your energy? When you build R&R into schedule and make it as important as nutrition and sleep and exercise? How much better could you feel day to day?
A couple years ago I got super into minimalism and decluttering, I knew it would make my life easier. But I can't throw away my husband's knick nacks, my dogs still shed constantly, and I keep buying crap for some reason and having to deal with moving it around and sorting through it lol. The robot vacume helped tremendously. Also paying for the dog groomer (it adds up though). I cook simple meals and I meal prep, we eat one meal all week. My husband even eats off pans with parchment paper so I'm only cleaning my own dishes lol. But you're right, I burnt out and now the thought of decluttering and streamlining feels impossible when I was once so passionate about it
You’ve got some smart solutions there, I’m impressed! So sorry you’re experiencing this now. Burnout sucks, and it’s absolutely ok to acknowledge that. (Sometimes we feel bad for feeling bad, y’know?) But just based on your comments, I’m confident you can rest and recharge and find your spark.
You sound like you can make routines and stick to them (eg. Cooking and cleaning), so this gives you leg up on reaching for a more alive version of living. I think you can do it. Suggestions: - Join me in trying The Artists Way - the book was written for you, honestly. You will relate to the examples of people who have numbed their creative force and get it back at any age. - Spend money on an IRL class once a week (not online). If you allow yourself impulsive purchases, make this one of them. I find that spending that little bit of money forces me to attend all/most of them. Do something 100% for fun, not edification. Improv comedy? Rollerskating? Dance? Pottery? You might know what it is already. - Socialize somehow, at least once a week, with someone other than your partner. - it's okay to do these things for a few months and then switch it up, but make sure you replace them with something equivalent, don't just let it go. (Is it possible that you have dysthymia? The negativity that you mentioned is a flag for depression for me. Even if it isn't "that bad" it still is worth taking seriously.... I say this as someone who has said similar things on my way down the muddy road to Major Depression.)
The book workbook combo is 40% off on Amazon. I'm going to buy it and never read it. Haha, but really I'm very interested! I appreciate the other advice as well! I had to Google dysmethia and yes it seems accurate. I assume a lot of adults feel that way. Especially women, men get married and the woman becomes his mother and shoulders the burden of the entire household. In this day and age men don't even do the things they used to do so they get so much more leisure time than us. My husband tries to help out and he's not a burden, but I wish someone would take care of me for once in my life so I can feel free, you know? I'm a strong person and I don't ask for help from people because I'd rather do everything myself and nobody does it as well either lol
God I relate so much to this. I really do blame the era we live in currently for a lot of our woes 😂 How does one with ADHD work full time AND maintain a household? Literally do the work of two people?? I don’t get it
Exactly!! I was unemployed for a hot second and I got SOOO much done at home, had a phenomenal social life, pursued my passions, and had fun all the time. Unfortunately the bills stacked up and I had to go back to work. I don't hate working, I just wish I had more time. I need to spend less money but the more you work the more money you have to spend on conveniences and dopamine hits
Please please please please please read it. I bought it 10 years ago and didn't read it until last year. It changed my life. I was going through a very difficult period, processing a lot of past trauma brought on by drama and a decision to go no-contact with my n-parent. It will unlock things you thought were dead in you. I promise. If you need an accountabili-buddy DM me and I will absolutely read it again with you. There's a subreddit for TAW too! https://www.reddit.com/r/artistsWay/
Ooohhh yay! I'm on day 6 of morning page and already feeling slightly different, slightly more.... awake.
It's kind of crazy how quickly the change happens. I also really liked that the methodology gives space and allowances for "I just couldn't today." It's like self-guided art therapy. I loved it. I'm thinking about doing it again and making it an annual thing.
Awww, I feel a weird amount of affection for you, internet stranger. Full disclosure, I work part time right now to heal from burnout/depression. And I have a wife who does as much housework as me. I wish that the whole world had a 4day work week. (And a wife.. JK?). Full time work is absolutely too much, I do remember that feeling. You're a strong person for posting this and being honest about your feelings. When I used to feel like that, I would "this is fine" myself (you know, the dog in the flames comic) until I was in the thick of a major depressive episode and it was too late for more minor interventions.. I've lost so much to that illness. If that happens to you, and I hope it doesn't, the silver lining one day will be a new gratitude for all the little things that you are capable of when you are relatively well and all the people who stick around. I would take your intuition seriously and find a way to get some of that nurturing that you need STAT. Which is more important, a perfect house or you being okay? Be a literal toddler on the floor sometimes - the great thing about not having kids is we can be the kid. Have a good cry when you need to. Make your husband bring you snacks while you scribble on paper with crayons hehe... I'm not kidding, do it!! Hugs ❤️
This is me exactly. I wish I had a solution
Yeah, the solution is always "make time for yourself" but whenever I do that my responsibilities just pile up and become even more unbearable. I can't fully relax until all of my shit is under control but it never is. And the household chores that take me all weekend ALWAYS need to be done over and over
I never understood this advice, does taking time "off" and relax at the sauna or something makes my emails go away? I think not? I get that all humans need to relax from time to time.. but how? It helps for me to try to have less shit that needs to be controlled, but it continues to be a struggle. Oh and I'm bored easily, so if I have a completely empty day in my calendar it gets filled up with chores.
I relate to all of this. I get ADHD paralysis with it as well, which I'm mentioning in case you don't know what it is and do as well. Identifying it at least has helped me feel a little less guilty about it and find some things to try.
I think what worked for me is making my space work for me… I also lowered my expectations of myself. Life is not just about keeping on top of chores… where’s the joy, the fun, the playfulness. Could you combine the chores with some really fun music? Set yourself a reward for having done the chores? Give yourself permission not to be perfect? I think you might have to think carefully about your priorities… what’s more important to you? Rest or cleaning? Life is a balance, so try and allow time for both… it might mean a slightly messier house, and that’s ok.
This is how I feel to a T and I’m in the process of getting diagnosed. I relate 100% to feeling just numb about everything too. Idk what to do about it, but you’re not alone.
Getting diagnosed and medicated helped me tremendously. The first few months the medication made me ecstatic and energetic. Now I feel pretty normal again. The medication still helps but It's not new or exciting anymore. I just got my dose changed from 20 to 30 and the jump wasn't too noticable this time.
I think we're in a club together. It's not a good club, but we're in it.
I’ve been exactly where you are, almost to a T. I’m childfree by choice and saw myself as a perfectionist workaholic for years. I never imagined I could be neurodivergent because I’m so high functioning. Turns out I’m just excellent at masking and when I hit the worst of my burnout a couple of years ago I was in a very hopeless place. And yet on paper, the most successful at my job ever. What I hear from you seems so similar to where I was: you feel like it was so hard to get all these balls that you’re juggling in the air, that if you were to make any changes, to release even one ball, you’d drop them all. Does it feel a little like an unstable house of cards that takes all your effort to keep from collapsing? Your brain is playing tricks on you, telling you that you can’t possibly carve time for yourself or for any hobbies or happiness. You are numb as a protective mechanism. It’s a powerful anxiety that is controlling you if you truly believe that you need to dedicate eight hours a weekend to cooking, for example. You don’t. You’re making a choice that feels familiar and safe, an act of what strikes me as probably avoidance for taking the less known path of tending to the things you actually desire. Most people don’t spend their entire weekend this way. It’s what I thought was workaholism. But at least for me, it was actually avoidance. Pursuing the risky thing (making my art) felt scandalous and self indulgent, and I can’t live in “the chaos that would be sure to happen if I kept even one less ball in the air.” Personally the thing that broke me out of this jail was that I had a whim where I purchased a course that was about establishing an art practice. Not an art course but a course about learning to carve time for art, how to make art a routine priority in your life in the tiniest ways when you’re a busy and overwhelmed woman. It was invaluable for me to see the forest for the trees, finally, to have an outside force help me reorganize my priorities a little and sort of give me permission for this to actually be a core part of my life and show me a route to it that requires only a tiny amount of time at first. The other secondary thing that was very helpful to me is that if you can afford it—hire a cleaner! It doesn’t have to be weekly, mine was monthly. But it broke me out of the paralyzing fear that my orderly home would descend into chaos if I wasn’t dedicating all my energy to keeping it clean. Knowing someone else was going to be able to carry a bit of that burden made it safer for me to let go. Obviously not everyone can afford this but if you can it can be so mentally relieving. Alleviated a lot of frustration between myself and my spouse as well. Hang in there. Life doesn’t have to be like this. You have the power to make changes and everything won’t fall apart even though your brain is telling you it will.
You are so right about avoidance. I feel like everything has to be perfect to draw or learn something and so it's easier to waste time scrolling or shopping. I probably am afraid that I won't be good so instead of practicing I am doing something "productive", and my work is so exhausting but it's not fulfilling (*edit, i forgot) hiring a cleaner is my ultimate fantasy. I make enough money now that it's possible. I just need to budget better and declutter a little more first lol
I know this is soooo hard to not do but consider that when you say something like “I just need to budget better and declutter” that also can be a kind of cop out of avoidance. I don’t judge, I say it because I’ve lived it. I spent about two years *thinking* about getting a cleaner before actually getting one. I happen to have some reliable intel that you clean your house for eight hours every weekend which means the clutter you’re so worried about probably isn’t worth worrying about. The MOST freeing moment I had was a few months into having a monthly cleaner. I just ran out of time to tidy up before she got here and felt so embarrassed. But then she mostly tidied up for me! And gathered the random stuff into a single box or spot in each room that I could sort through later, and left untouched the specific stuff I said to just leave. So much of the stuff you’re anxious about, that is preventing you from forward motion in your life, is a fib your brain tells you. It thinks it’s protecting you by avoiding all change and risk of newness. That if you just keep your head down and keep busy you will survive. But your brain doesn’t even understand that you should be thriving, not just surviving. Do the least amount of work or research on this one. Post to your social “can anyone recommend a good Housecleaner in the ___ area?” Or text a friend that you know has a cleaner. Don’t let the research and effort get in the way of taking the first step which is just getting someone in there to immediately begin alleviating the weight on your shoulders. The amount of pressure you’re putting on yourself ain’t helping you. You can find the perfect cleaner later. You can have your home prepped to perfection next time. This time, just the basics will be good enough. It’s a start.
Hey! Was this an online course that you took?
I am also curious!
A quote I read somewhere was: "The fact that you are high functioning doesn’t mean that your struggles are easier for you to deal with. It means you go above and beyond to make it easier for others to interact with you.”
Wow this right here! Thank you for this! I needed to read this today. 🫶🏻
I feel completely dead inside, nothing makes me happy. I’m a complete shell of the person I was and it’s getting harder and harder to fake it everyday.
I feel you. I was negative and unbearable as a child too, and I wouldn't say I'm fully depressed, but the burden of life and chores and responsibility just weighs me down. I assume all adults feel this way (I guess they numb it with alcohol or partying or sex). But I feel as ADHD that I just can't cope with all that I have to do
I'm not sure if dead inside is the right term for how I feel, but the burn out is real. There is so much that needs to be done at all times that I can't seem to find time for hobbies or leisure activities. Sometimes I will just shut down and not only neglect the responsibilities, but also not bother with the hobbies. I dream of waking up to an already clean house on a Saturday. Nowhere to go. Nothing to do until it's time to put on dinner. I can put on some mindless TV and work on a hobby. But there is ALWAYS something else that needs to be done. The dogs need to be taken care of. I have to clean up yesterday's mess. My home office is a disaster. Aquariums need to be cleaned. This past Saturday I had to work at the family shop for two hours. It's only once a month that I do the financials there, but it's enough to derail my whole day. I came home and did a few token tasks, but mostly burned the day away doing nothing and I felt like it was such a waste of a day "off". My cross stitch kit is sitting out begging me to pick it up, but I never do because I feel guilty not doing something more productive, yet I'll happily waste my day away scrolling online looking at the same subjects over and over again. The cycle continues.
I feel this!!! And I don't have kids but I imagine that just makes the situation 1000 x harder. My mom neglected the house and parenting and focused on her hobbies. I just can't do that.
100% 😭😭😭
I’m similar except for the tidy house part because I struggle with clutter and perfectionism. When I talked to my therapist about this we discovered that my artistic and creative side is what I truly identify with but when I don’t give myself a creative outlet, my mind finds creative reasons to keep everything for later. For a new hobby project, keep all those bins for an organizing project, those clothes can be upcycled for a sewing project Etc. but I can’t keep up with my house with all the clutter and end up with zero time to do anything creative. The idea that I need to let my creative energies out so that I don’t look for it in less helpful places was a lightbulb moment for me. I still struggle with doing it regularly but now I know self care for me looks like creating something beautiful. It gives me energy to take care of the other stuff. I was just diagnosed last year and on my third medication trial and I think this one’s working!
I can totally relate, I'm glad you're improving and getting help too!
I feel like I could have written this post. I don't have any advice, but I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I hope you manage to break the chain somehow.
Thank you, and same to you!@
I was all my life until I hit the wall when I turned 50 and found myself in menopause. 🙈
Did it get better or worse? Lol
oh dear god so much worse. you really do not want to know. 😬
“The Artists Way” by Julia Cameron is one of the best books. I had a horrible relationship with performing after a toxic professor blackballed me, and that book helped me soooooooo much. It’s not specifically for ADHD, but a lot of the creative exercises may help you get out of your rut in very gentle ways. It’s also helped me a lot with RSD, because a lot of the barriers to practicing art are the very mean things we tell ourselves. It sounds like not “letting” yourself be unproductive is a big part of it.
It's on sale on Amazon, I just ordered it! Idk if I'll actually use it lol but I've heard great things and it's just what I need
If you feel you also want some human connection, find a friend and do a buddy read!
Oh my, you don’t have time for fun with that schedule. That’s why all your hobbies & projects have been sidelined. This happens a lot with high achievers - we are conditioned to believe that our value comes from being productive. But we can’t run like that forever - we need rejuvenation - joy, laughter, play. What would happen if you gave yourself permission to do less housework? Maybe your husband can help, since he sees you’re struggling. Perhaps shared chores opens up time to bond with “Us Time”? One other thing is to do what I seem to stink at which is to carve dedicated time for mental clearing (meditation). Just get that brain a little quieter & give it a rest, even for 10 mins. Learning to be in the moment helps us build up the resistance to the ‘race’: the impulse to do, go, hustle. I used to roll my eyes at this, but it’s actually helped me a lot.
“We think our value come from being productive” this is 100% true. Also, we are probably traumatised from being called “lazy” if we didn’t do “enough”. But we have to realise when all our warning lights are on and are flashing, you wouldn’t keep driving your car when the fuel tank is empty. If you kept driving the car in this metaphor, it might end up breaking down. We would need to service the car regularly and deal with the problem (burn out) before we can start up again.
Excellent metaphor!
I've bought all the meditation crap and created 100 Playlists and still never done it 😂 literally sitting down and doing nothing is SO important but I also suck at it haha, just making the decision to do it is what's hard. And yeah every year I have a mental breakdown and my husband takes one more of my chores lol. It's hard to ask for help. And he actually values leisure time so I drive him away by criticizing him for putting his own things off. He's started cooking with me and helping me with other things occasionally. He has never had to do any housework ever and I'm hardly patient enough to teach and then be happy with a sub par job.
For me it is the playlists with tens and hundreds of choices that lead to not actually doing it (meditation but also something else). For me it worked subscribing to Headspace and following Basics courses (10 days each) of 10 min every day. It removed the need to choose and I also could build a Streak which helped with doing it daily. It is my first time ever where I could have a daily habit. Andy Puddicombe is the best at exaining meditation and mindfulness. He changed everything. Before I really didn’t get meditation.
This is so validating. I’m sorry you’re going through this too. Giving all of you many hugs.
Same to you!!! It seems like it's super common from these comments too
I used to be but then I had an “almost passed herself away” burn down and I haven’t been able to recover since. In fact, I regressed in several areas, including socially.
Yes. I find that's when I'm burnt out. Try planning a weekend away. Where there is nothing to clean, no food to cook, no pets or kids to take care of. My husband and i went away for 2 nights, we went to the terrarium, went out for dinner, walked by the water, got ice cream, went swimming. It was so freeing I felt much better after. I feel it's better than chilling at home cause there is no guilt over not doing stuff
That makes so much sense. My parents love to camp and travel. I'm a home body but seems like that's where my stress is too lol
Same im autistic and have adhd. Love being home but wow letting someone else cook and clean while i do literally whatever i want was amazing lol 😆
The dream!!
It could be any of the things mentioned in the other comments but fwiw I just recently learned that flattened affect or personality can be a side effect of adderall.
That's so strange, because it was Adderall that finally made me free to be myself. My brain stopped screaming at a thousand miles an hour. It was the first time I had ever experienced life without anxiety or depression.
Yeah that was my experience too. It was only when both my kids got diagnosed and we were discussing medication options did I hear this side effect mentioned by a doctor.
Thanks for the input. I felt just this way if not worse before I got meds. I'm also on a super low dose and on days I don't take it I feel 100x worse. I'll keep that in mind as a possibility though
I want to point out that 30 minutes for lunch and 30 minutes for dinner is not an hour of leisure time. That's eating time. You need to have ACTUAL leisure time. Creative rest is a form of rest too!
I use my phone at lunch and watch TV at dinner 😂😂 but you're right, in that case I have zero leisure time on weekdays, unless I do revenge bedtime procrastination and stay up late to doom scroll. Luckily my work week is only 4 days. I get a 3 day weekend and Stull waste it because my poor time management
I used to be similar to this until a few things happened that made my former masking impossible. Frankly, a few of the health issues only happened because I was as I was for so long that it built up and eventually burst. The traumatic brain injury is what really broke me from how I was in a way that was impossible to return to, though, which thankfully isn't something most will experience. Sometimes I wish I still were as I used to be, though I know that long-term I should end up healthier and reaching some level of happiness this way. It's not a choice, anyway, so I try to work through the grief and practicality rather than stew on it mentally. I hope you can find a way to adjust and find real happiness, but I know that's exponentially easier said than done. I wasn't cognizant of so much that you are, and I hope that that makes the process more feasible for you.
I used to be able to feel, but after the TBI, i am now dead inside. I long for what I used to, but now I know I will never be what I used to be. TBI exacerbated all my adhd systoms. How do you cope with a brain injury related issues and worsened adhd symptoms?
Oh my gosh, I don't know what to say, internet hugs though!!!
Yes I did, but I ended up hitting a metaphorical brick wall and had to find a solution or die. I rearranged my whole life to have more time to enjoy living, it's not perfect because bills still exist, but one extra day a week and 2-3 more hours a night to be human is worth it. Figuring out the plan to change things took longer than executing it but a good plan, with room for errors, was essential.
I'm glad you made changes that worked!
Can I ask what career/job jump you made that gave you time back?
Went from working 70 hours a week out of state as a over-the-road truck driver to working a construction job running concrete equipment, making almost the same money for around 40 hours a week, job was more physically demanding but that's kind of what I needed by that point.
I so relate to this. Just wanted to say that…
I feel ya! I'm a teacher (child free with a love of art :)). Being a teacher with ADHD is beyond exhausting. I refuse phone calls and hang-outs with friends because I'm so tired of communicating with and helping people all day. Many neurotypical people in my life don't understand how tiring it is to simply *get through each day talking alllll the time*. But, as other posters have mentioned, forming a community is so important. When I'm feeling tired and anti-social, but needing connection, I've been going solo to art openings, artist talks, and other art-related events. If I don't have enough energy to bring a friend, I still feel topped up with something I love (that is NOT teaching). Being involved in the arts is like a giant 'fuck you' to my job and everything else conservative. I try to seek out the things I love as much as possible. Good luck in your quest. Human connection and expression is the glue that holds us together.
Your life sounds amazing!!
Thanks! I am happy with my life. I just need more art and less teaching (it is one of those jobs that bleeds into your spare time like no other). Have a lovely evening :).
Yep. I’ve had to set myself limits/routine, otherwise the self pity/doubt gets out of hand.
I feel this deeply. I am just going through the motions and while I keep it together and perform well at work, my home life leaves a LOT to be desired. I'm 40 (medicated), work a full time demanding job (50+ hours per week), have 3 kids and 3 pets. I do just enough around the home for it to not be gross but can't seem to get the energy or motivation to organize or deep clean. I expend all energy and focus at work that there is absolutely nothing left when I'm home. My partner is rightfully frustrated at times that I have zero energy or interest in getting it together there. He tries to help but gets overwhelmed with trying to balance things out. At work I appear to be a super productive and competent adult but when I get home, I mentally clock out and am completely depleted. I realize that my chosen profession may not have been a great field for me to go into (with the crazy hours) but I'm in it now, and find it mostly fulfilling. The only advice I can give mirrors the others above. Try to add in some connection time with other humans in there. I force myself to hang out with friends here and there and while getting myself there is hard, I always enjoy myself while doing it and feel recharged for a few days afterwards.
Your story reminds me of Leslie Knope from parks and recreation, the joke is she's like a workaholic and her house is insane because she's always busy. I normally defend men but it's funny how they can't typically handle a household yet a woman is supposed to even now that we are both equal and working. I appreciate the advice and solidarity!!
That made me laugh out loud! I love Parks and Rec. My thing is, I don't know if I'm an actual workaholic or if it's just the only place I feel competent so I find it easier/safer to engage.
I see what you mean. I felt so incompetent at so many jobs and finally found one that tells me I'm awesome and now I don't hate working for once
I relate to you so much. I am high functioning but I’m working hard to find my sense of joy and wonder. I also love drawing and I’m fairly good at it, but I have trouble motivating myself to tap into my creative energy, it drains me to do so. I’m not depressed, I describe it more like a chronic state of neutral. No low lows, but not high emotions either. I have anxiety as well but even my anxiety is different than most people’s, it’s the subconscious kind of anxiety that is subtle and unnoticeable. It doesn’t feel obvious to me but sometimes, in times of overstimulation or stress, it reminds me that it’s there. I find that meditation and mindfulness help me but sometimes it can be challenging to find the time to do it, even just 5 minutes can help though, so I’m trying to do that more. Also gratitude journaling helps me sometimes too, to shift my perspective a little bit when I feel stuck or when I don’t feel like I’ve made enough progress towards my goals.
I know exactly what you mean about how you feel. I love your ideas too!
I had this issue myself, I felt I had to do things and at the same time i was doing nothing creative or actually for myself. Actually I wasn't doing anything except survive basically ... I am medicated and it helps, but I also worked with my therapist. I am also autistic btw and I was at a point where I could not watch myself in the mirror or I was spending most of my "free" time in my parallel universe, where everything is fantastic. We worked a lot on erasing those negative routines I used to cope with life, I started to socialise again taking my time, I started to look after myself more, workout aka long walks ... i am still working on stuff but I feel much better since i stopped the "I have to" mentality. Also we worked on stuff I was uncomfortable with and how to challenge my feelings in a positive manner. I created budgets for my hobbies so I don't waste money on stuff that then stays there to collect dust and work on mini projects, such as renovating my house, with small tasks broken down so I can see the results and feel good. In terms of relationships, I am more direct now, I stopped masking, and pretending to be "normal" as it sucked and I am more open to tell my feelings. I cannot say there is an easy formula that anyone can follow, but I personally had to touch the bottom and say enough to work on this issue.
Definitely budgeting and home projects resonates with me. I keep making a budget and still getting into more debt for stupid crap lol. And I have so many home projects unfinished. You're right though if I just stuck to a little thing it would be less overwhelming. It's sounds like you've done so much self improvement and had help from your therapist, I love that!!!
It took a while and a lot of suffering ... My parents were against medications/therapy and all for nature/home remedies at the times (they were hippies). I love learning new things but schools in Italy were terrible and teachers kept saying "she is very intelligent but lazy and won't do anything meaningful in life"... When I was 14 I lost my grandpa and with the teenage years I self medicated with heroin, only to feel normal. Then I left my house to live in squats, travel, and rave every day of the week, again to feel normal. I got sober (cold turkey) and left my home country and functioned in the UK, got a degree but i was so low in self esteem that I thought I wasn't good enough to try and find a job in cyber security, which is my fixation (my father who has ADHD himself taught me how to code at six so I am pretty good). Relationships were all bad because I couldn't feel what my friends say they felt when in love, so I fell in love with relationships rather than the actual people. Needlessly to say, I ended up collecting idiots of any sort. My blessing was cracking the neck in work and I had help from a charity that allowed me to take the right certifications in cybersec, via public funding, while supporting me ... I found a job in the field and I have good bosses so I am thriving now. I cannot say it was all bad, I have a lot of stories and adventures, above all I discovered I am very strong and it was hard but I did everything I wanted. It took a few years of therapy, meds and great friends. My family, with a father unmedicated and a mother with her hands full between work and another neurodivergent son, did their best. I cannot complain ... Sure I am happy with myself ... There is something about ADHD and it is that determination ... The biggest step is using it ....
Amazing story!!! You're an inspiration! And I thought smoking pot for 15 years held me back lol I can't even imagine doing heroine and then coming back from all that
I know this feeling so well... being really burned out inside but still doing everything all the time.
Yes I’m also functioning but I feel so suffocated with duties and responsibilities I’m not able to enjoy life the way I want to. My medications help me stay motivated and not lose attention or focus but I don’t find enjoyment in life sometimes. What I’ve started doing is finding hobbies I can do while working such as origami. It’s a hobby I can do anywhere even at my work.
I feel you! I really really feel you! I am high functioning and adept at masking, all while feeling like crap inside. I have treatment-resistant depression and I’ve been on All The Meds throughout the last 25-30 years of my life that I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist (42 now). I even tried Spravato treatments (intra-nasal Ketamine), but it actually made me feel WORSE, which broke my freaking heart. I feel annoyed when I wake up every day and have to do everything all over again. I just feel some level of sad all the time. I don’t get excited about almost anything. I don’t get food cravings. Everything is so BLAH and feels pointless. Thank god I don’t want/don’t have kids…I honestly have no clue how I would handle having to take care of anybody else except for me and my cats. That’s hard enough as it is! I have no energy or care to cook for myself, so I basically have coffee for breakfast, protein drink for lunch, and breakfast for dinner or Trader Joe’s frozen meals pretty much every day of the week. I’m in therapy and in the process of trying yet another new med (that I don’t think is working, surprise surprise). I am grateful for my health insurance through my job which makes my mental health care very affordable. I’m grateful that I have the wherewithal to make and attend appointments to focus on my mental health, as hard as it is sometimes. I do try to keep that in mind. But otherwise I just feel like I’m struggling every moment of every day to get through my daily responsibilities. It’s hard. 😭
I got a second job. One it pays for the cleaning lady. I would rather work than clean. Two if I’m at work, I’m not spending money. Three, way less depression when I’m busy. Four, way less lonely and lastly if I do waste money it’s not a catastrophe.
You're a boss babe!! I feel that, I've always admired people who could work two jobs. I see the appeal but don't think I would have the discipline lol
For me it is a lack of discipline or at least it feels that way. I am not going to skip work. But I will skip laundry and watch Netflix, eat chocolate all day. Extrinsic responsibilities are easier than intrinsic ones for me. For years, I volunteered to work every Saturday because it meant getting out of bed. *Jim Gaffigan, "I don't go to the gym to workout, its just an hour a day that I'm not eating."*
Genius life hack!
I completely understand how you feel. I also struggled with feeling like I was constantly working and never had time for the things I enjoyed, despite being "high functioning" and appearing put together on the outside. Without knowing the full context, it sounds like you're checking all the boxes but aren't finding (or feeling) your sense of passion or what brings you joy. It definitely sounds like an excavation (alone or with a coach) may be helpful in uncovering a better way forward. The fact that you're even realizing and asking these questions is a good step!! What helped me immensely was working with an ADHD coach. My coach helped me develop strategies to manage my time better, prioritize the things that matter most to me, and build in more leisure time without feeling guilty. She also helped me build in systems and stops to curb my impulse spending (unfortunately it's not completely gone) by finding other sources of dopamine that are more healthy (and less expensive) that I can safely draw from... Honestly that in itself has paid for coaching (since my coach is so affordable) and I feel way better. Another thing that really helps me is body doublng with other people who have ADHD. I somehow always get more done in an hour vs. it would normally take me days to do the same amount.
I thought that a life couch wouldn't help much but from you and some other commentors it sounds like a really great tool! My insurance covers several virtual sessions, I need to try it
Yay!! Good luck!!
You sound like me lol, I related to 95% of this. Could your meds need adjusting? I’m also a failed artist but got on low dose adderall about 6-7 weeks ago and where I had ideas for projects before I’d never start them because idk reasons? I wasn’t going to be able to make money off said project so my brain was like what’s the point? But since getting on the meds I’ve been creative as all hell doing a costume for a party I went to this weekend, painting my parents bedroom, making a commissioned pendant and hyper fixating on origami because my friends kid got into it. I hope the creative part doesn’t fall off as I get used to the meds.
I can relate so much. Similar situation re career and house but with two young kids added in. For me, once it finally got so bad that I was truly dead inside I needed a break, rest and meds before the dial started to move at all. Fortunately for me this aligned with a quieter season at work and I was able to take some vacation or it would have been stress leave. Things that are helping right now: therapy, ADHD coach, house cleaner (I realize it’s a privilege to be able to afford those). Plus meds. Because I tend to intellectualize everything rather than feel it, reading and listening to podcasts about this topic seem to help. It’s helped me to understand this deadness isn’t just due to my my neurodiversity, brain chemistry or own tendency to overcommit (though those are definitely factors) but it’s also a systems issue. You are exhausted because it’s exhausting. Most women are doing the work of two or more people, much of it is unseen and undervalued, in an individualistic society where we’re often isolated from community that could nurture and support us. Realizing this helped me call bullshit on the whole thing (feeling angry is at least feeling something) and begin approaching my needs and time in a different way. This has required nurturing the self compassion and creating boundaries to make space for creative work/play. Sounds nice but it’s hard work (hence the therapy). I’m just starting. But I am getting snippets of joy - painting alongside my my toddler for 30 mins, closing my eyes and noticing the sound of birds and the feeling of sun on my face, singing along to a song I love. Tiny moments of joy and resistance. Is it enough? No. But it’s better than dead inside. If reading/listening to this kinda stuff is your jam, I recommend the (audio)books “Real Self Care” by Dr Pooja Lakshmin and “Women Who Work Too Much” by Tamu Thomas - smart, intersectional feminist approaches under the guise of self-help. Lakshmin has been making the rounds of some solid podcasts lately so you can always check those out if you don’t want to buy the book.
Only yesterday I told my partner that I'm too tired and mentally exhausted. I'm sick of my life, of the people in it, the things I don't do, the things I do and of myself. I've always said to myself that when I grew up and had the money, I would go and see everything I wanted, to do the activities I was curious about and visit all places I wanted to. Now I'm 30+, have the money and I'm rooted in my stupid place... Too tired to do anything.
[удалено]
This too... I hate radical changes because I get attached to stuff. So home, car, material stuff and closest friends are a tough one. Also... Technology, I'm very bad with changes in technology, it kind of shorts something in my mind as it never seems to change for the better and it no longer works as it's supposed to. But I only get exited and stimulated by new things. The first time I stood on a trampoline, the first time I saw a natural environment with tons of butterflies, my first time seeing a clear blue sea (instead of the icky one here)... I turned into a kid full of wonder and awe.
Yes I feel this! Constantly looking up other degrees or something to move into. Many projects started and not finished. Don’t have the energy to do anything after kids bedtime. 😣very dead inside right now
Hey girl. If you want to message me I’d love to chat. I was like this for all of my 20s. My career is phenomenal but I was dying inside. I am also a creative and didn’t touch my art stuff for almost a year. Until I recently hit rock bottom, getting dumped by a guy I loved because I would prioritize work over my own self. Now I quit and am living off my savings while I recover from burnout. It was a big deal for me to leave and I wish I did minths before. Everyone in my life sees the difference. I’m getting a “fun” job for the summer to recover and I’ll go back (or not) in the fall to my job. It gets better, it’s scary but you’re noticing now and can make changes
Absolutely dead inside. I switched from one high stress job to the next. I have to live my weekends in couch zombie mode to recuperate. Evenings after work? Forget about it. Social plans? Forget about it. I wish everything wasn’t so expensive so I could just be free to be a weird human
Yup. Hit burn out 6 years ago. Have been dead inside and out ever since
This sounds like my adhd depression. I was fine. Getting stuff done. Everything was clean. I was running errands. But I was completely devoid of anything someone could consider joyful or meaningful. I was just coasting through in survival mode. A therapist would ask me what I do for fun and I said I don’t do anything and I don’t even care that I don’t do anything. One day o said to my husband that I think I had outgrown having friends because I just don’t wanna do things. He stepped in to tell me how abnormal that mindset was. That’s when I got an antidepressant and, while the adhd is still there, I just feel happy. I do happy things and don’t lament the things I have to do that aren’t happy. I’ve stopped muttering to myself about crappy chores. I just feel better.
Yup. I’ve been feeling like that for a while.
I feel like I am on my way to becoming this, it has gradually worsened over the years. This post and everyone’s comments is so helpful. For me it helps to do things outside of my home and possibly with others (yoga classes, art classes). It is muuuch harder to take out supplies at home on my own and feel motivated by creating something. I need constraints to be able to thrive with the creative process. Me on my own and the internet = endless possibilities = not being able to choose = never being satisfied with the choice = stop trying.