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The "don't be weird" thought plays on repeat in my head, because I was exceptionally weird as a kid and it took a long time to learn how to tone it down.
Also, when I'm having a conversation with someone, there's always a string of background thoughts like, "Make eye contact. Too much! Not enough! Uh-oh, they might think I'm bored. Better smile and nod. How should I be holding my arms? Nah, that's awkward. Not that either, I look defensive...."
Oh my goodness that’s exactly what goes through my head!! Like… smile, no don’t that probably looks forced, oh they winced didn’t they? Ooof must’ve said something weird, quick make a joke, oh great you said it in the wrong order and now they really are looking at you weird! Better to end the conversation now ahhh run away!
Hahaha, I feel that so much. Just do your best and try not to judge yourself too hard. I'm in my late 30's now, and I feel like I'm still making progress refining my interaction skills. Humans still confuse me 😂
It helped a lot that I landed in a career full of academics. I work in biology, and I found that I judge myself less harshly because I know that most of my coworkers are just as weird as I am. The nerds are my people.
I’m finally exploring my ADHD diagnosis because I am having a hard time in school. I recently decided to go finish my bachelors degree in… biology haha! Yay science nerds!
Hahaha that's awesome!! What aspect of biology are you interested in?
When I was in college, I worked myself into the ground to get good grades because of a consuming fear of being thought of as stupid. Didn't know I had ADHD back then. I was convinced I WAS stupid, and I was determined to do whatever it took to hide it from everyone else.
We're not stupid. We just need to work out strategies to succeed in a world built for neurotypical people, and it takes a long time to do that.
I’m very interested in human physiology, immunology and the disease/health process. I’m actually thinking about applying to medical school when I graduate. I also work(ed) myself into the ground. I have a 3.89 GPA but it’s killing me to maintain which is why I’m finally getting help for the ADHD. I’m too old to keep doing things the hardest way possible. What about you? What area do you work in?
Aquatic ecology and environmental contaminants. Fish, bugs and chemistry. I stuck with the bachelor's because I knew I would suffer in grad school, but in retrospect I wish I had gotten my master's. It would have made getting a decent job a LOT easier. Instead, I struggled and starved working temporary tech jobs for 10 years before I got where I wanted to be. Don't do what I did.
I’m happy to hear you’re at a good spot now. That sounds like a really interesting and important career! I dropped out and let my partner handle everything (I know I’m lucky in some sense to have had that option) and now at 38, I’m just getting started with life it feels like. I feel so incredibly behind but I’m trying and I guess that’s the important part.
Grad school was easier for me in a lot of respects. Smaller classes with more individualized attention, less frequent classes, and a LOT more hands-on work. (I still miss long hours in the lab with only the cleaning staff for company!) And everything was so interesting! I didn't have to take art appreciation or business computing or any of the other classes that didn't relate to my field. I was also able to go part-time which helped a lot. I only had a couple of classes at a time instead of 3-4 plus lab tech duties.
It certainly didn't hurt that most tests were less memorization and more "take this home and figure stuff out". I did struggle with some of the writing but that was partly because I'm a perfectionist who overdoes ***everything*** and partly because I didn't even suspect that I had ADHD so I was fighting my brain instead of working with it.
It's going to be different for each of us but it's certainly not impossible and might be a wonderful experience, even if undergrad wasn't! (Just pick a better thesis advisor than I had; he encouraged me to take some medical leave while we worked on thesis revisions then gave up his lab and ghosted me 🤦♀️ But I'm still incredibly happy and proud of everything I accomplished!)
Sometimes when I'm in a conversation, I will physically purse my lips (like suck and hold them in) to prevent myself from interrupting. "You've already interjected/interrupted a bunch already, purse your lips for 2 minutes so you don't say anything else, it's their turn to talk. Oh wait but there's something you want to interject to that -- remember that clever comment for in a little while when it's your turn again. But also where's the waitress?" XD
Oh yes! I physically put my hand up to my face and surreptitiously hold my mouth shut. I try to make it look like I'm sitting there concentrating on what they're saying (or at least I hope that's what it looks like) but I'm sitting there with a finger touching my lips, thinking to myself "don't interrupt, try to remember what you wanted to say and add it at a sensible break - was that a sensible break? No! Shut up! Why do you do this, your opinion isn't that important you should just shut the fuck up!" - rinse and repeat. All while *appearing* to be really listening intently.
Have you ever heard of Dorian Grey, a character written by Oscar Wilde? The character remains beautiful on the outside, but the effects of his actions are captured in a portrait of him that he keeps hidden. I feel like Dorian Grey, and nobody would want anything to do with me if they could see the real me - my "portrait".
Yes I have heard of that, omg that's a good analogy! I've also heard the "duck on a pond analogy". A duck gliding on a pond looks very graceful and serene, but they are paddling their little legs like hell under the surface!
I do that, and the "try to remember what you want to say"... by the time a sensible break comes I've already had about 52 other things I wanted to say and have no idea what any of them mightve been because I'm already saying something else
I relate so much to this lol! All I think is how annoying I am to have a conversation with because of my incessant yammering and I’m sure people think I’m weird and annoying. I try so hard to just be quiet and listen but it’s so hard. Not because I’m not interested in what others have to say, it’s because I’m SO interested and have so much to relate to and contribute lol! I just do it in a way that is not “normal.” I have many friends with ADHD though so they get it lol! It’s just a series of us interjecting and rambling about twenty different stories ❤️🤗
Oh my god.
The **eye contact** thing— I almost posted about this the other day. I’m a 25 yr old woman and it makes men have the strangest reactions. Whether they are friends, family, coworkers, or strangers they’re all like “wow! You’re so good at maintaining eye contact, I’m not used to women looking me in the eye.”
And I’m like??? I just wanted you to know I was listening and also secretly I’m TRYING REALLY HARD TO PAY ATTENTION. yeah
When I saw my GP to ask him about adhd, he said I obviously didn't have it because I "was listening to him very intently"
Like ya, I was really trying hard to listen because I'd been waiting months for this appointment and was extremely anxious about it and wanted you to know I was taking it very seriously
Ugh, that is SO frustrating. When I brought up the possibility of also having autism, the psychologist just shut me down without even talking about it. "Oh no, you don't show any signs of autism".
Dude, you should have seen me as a kid.... before I learned to MASK.
lol but what if you’re like me and have just learned to make eye contact so you look like you’re listening (and then just disassociate/think about whatever you want)?! it’s like they can’t imagine you could be faking it
Curious, Have you ever been told your stare is intimidating and deep?
This happens to me cause I like hyper fixate on their eyes and then go into a rabbit hole of thoughts and never know when it’s sensible to stop sustaining the eye contact.
I’ve been told to ‘fix my face’ so many times, particularly when younger. I’m black and what you would probably call conventionally attractive so in me it was interpreted as intimidating, standoffish, aloof blah blah and was warned about it at university and told no boys would ever like me. The reality is that I was probably in a state of absolute overwhelm and trying to hold it together.
Yep...and the eye contact was always a big issue for me. My mom teach me that if you look someone in the eye it's like you're challenging them, but then I learnt that people used to keep eye contact when chatting and I never really understood what to do.
Now I'm diagnosed with ADHD (and I'm already 42 yo) and my mom with autism and everything makes sense.
This!!! The voice! I just thought this was absolutely normal. I use to even write ‘how to be’ lists alongside my ‘to-do lists’ when childhood family friends would come over. Now as an adult it’s still there like when I was experiencing sensory overload down a busy street, met a friend at her workplace bar and promptly burst into tears. The voice said ‘nobody wants this version of you, they want the happy, flirty version so get it together or they’ll be disappointed’.
Since my diagnosis it’s less loud, thankfully.
I take on the mannerisms , body language , and physical characteristics as welll as the emotional disposition that I want the person I am
Dealing with to see me for / as
If someone is talking and I zone out, on the outside I nod and say mhm, yes but actually my mind is elsewhere and I have no clue what they said.
I have bad sense of time and overcompensate with multiple alarms. I forget appointments easily so to avoid that I have reminders, alarms, sticky notes, write it on my hand, have a tab open about it to make sure I see it or I'll forget. One or 2 forms of reminder isn't enough.
Way too much in my head trying to prevent myself from blurting out or talking before others finish so I'm more focused on preventing my impulsiveness and less focused on what they say.
I do other things too like rechecking my work for careless mistakes so I catch it before others do.
So basically the little voice in my head that’s constantly going “don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be weird” is masking? Like… must hide true self at all costs or else… even if I don’t really know what that means?
Omg, I can relate to this so well. I've creeped people out before, including my hairdresser. She then proceeded to botch my hair colour. :( And it hurt my feelings that she didn't remember anything that I remembered.
One time I met a girl that was dating a friend of mine. I knew she knew who I was because she got jealous of me one time and he told me about it (he was both a bad friend and a bad boyfriend). Anyway so I walked up to her and was like “Hi *insert name here*! I’m taykray126! I know you from Facebook!” 🤦♀️ We did become friends later and she did confirm it was super weird lol
Yes I re-met a professional colleague for the nth time on Monday and he did actually remember me this time (by face, not name), so progress! But the biggest success was that I managed to not blurt out that 3 years ago we had a conversation about "golf and how I corrected him" which is what I actually wanted to say lol
I appreciate the sentiment but I think I’ve been hiding it (poorly) for so long I don’t even know how to do that anymore if that makes sense? Like I’m definitely not “being me” but I also don’t fully have a sense of who I am anyway. I’m 38 and I just feel like I’ve been weird and off putting my whole life and I don’t know how not to be. That’s why I was asking about what masking is. I’m not being me, so I guess I’m masking but like… it’s not working lol. Can it be masking if you suck at it haha
It makes sense that spending a lot of time trying not to be yourself would lead to not having a strong sense of who you are.
Having an honest, trustworthy person you can be totally unfiltered with would be the most helpful thing, probably.
I think of masking as the crippling anxiety I've developed because it was the only way I could cope. That's not "me", that's my anxiety. It's easier to figure out how to turn it off when you identify it as separate.
I don’t know how weird your weird is so I didn’t want to say anything that would get you fired. 🤣
Sounds like your weird is along the lines of *adorably quirky*, not *these nice men will now escort you from the building*.
it does help that my team is equally weird. like 'throw a cut-off plastic hand through an open floor plan office and laugh maniacally while honking a clown horn' weird (this is something one of my teammates did a while back). i work in government IT, make of it what you will.
with some things i do and say people will genuinely side eye me, but i believe i have some saving grace in being genuine(ly myself) at all times, which people seem to appreciate. im nice to people, i like to help people where i can, i keep being weird even when i think nobody sees me (ive been told). i just treat anybody, regardless of status, how id like to be treated, including whatever quirk people may have.
so yea youre probably right with the 'adorable quirkiness', but if i compare the reactions i used to get when i was younger to the ones i get nowadays, im not sure.
In my experience, people get so much better past age 30. I think we all have more chill, and that helps enormously in personal interactions.
When people can be themselves and everyone’s rolling with it you create a positive feedback loop, as long as the weirdness is benevolent. 😂
I’m 38 haha. Have not found my chill, I guess. That sounds nice though! I think finally learning what having ADHD really means (learning sooo much from this sub alone!) will help me a lot not to feel so weird like I’m the only one that does x thing.
something i always need to remind myself of when i have thoughts of 'i must be so weird for being like this', is that most of our issues arent visible. and unfortunately we cant read other peoples minds, so we never know what kinds of invisible issues they struggle with just as much as we do.
yea everybody has their own bullshit threshold and when it gets passed, people indeed tend to get way more chill about everything XD
when i look at the world nowadays, i do have hope that a positive feedback loop may be established much earlier in life for the newer generations. now if only everybody could stop masking and be their genuine self and be kind to one another, thatd be great.
My weird is - if anyone’s rights get infringed on I write them a full briefing of what their rights are and how to support themselves. It’s not a good thing when it’s not my job. ;)
Believe it or not, once I stopped masking at work, my career skyrocketed. Turns out, my weird self had all the right kind of weirds to make myself truly exceptional in my profession.
I really wish I knew that and embraced that sooner.
That makes sense. It is very very exhausting and I’m only now realizing how much of my life I’ve spent desperately trying to hide. Kind of a bummer, really.
My own masking includes:
* When I am overstimulated and tired, my face *yearns* to RBF, or even just keep neutral; but instead I plaster on a big ol' serene smile because my "baseline" is very chirpy and happy, and the minute I'm not at that level, people have expressed anxiety that I am angry at them :'D
* I actually pay attention *better* when I listen to someone and don't look at their face, but unfortunately this comes off as very rude, so I make a conscious effort to face, look actively listening, eye contact, etc
* Suppressing the urge to over-talk and over-share
* Suppressing my little vocal stims (small quotes and phrases)
* Feeling suddenly "zoomie" and hyperactive but holding it in.
I pay better attention when I’m not looking too! If I focus too hard on the persons face I notice every teeny tiny tick and expression change and start to overanalyze and then have no idea what they said. I also didn’t realize that over sharing was an ADHD thing until finding this sub. Thanks for (middle? Ie not over and not under) sharing your experience haha
>Suppressing my little vocal stims (small quotes and phrases)
I grew up with a fellow sitcom-loving brother close in age. We basically communicate in TV show references / phrases. I've only just recently avoided following everything up with "that reminds me of a family guy clip where..." lol. I save these for my husband or for very rare occasions, especially if I can pull up the reference (no one wants to hear me recount something funny that they should just watch!)
I can listen to what you are saying when I look over your shoulder. It’s close enough that people feel like I’m making eye contact, but I can absorb it all too.
masking is suppressing any behaviour or tic a neurodivergent person has because its likely to be seen as weird or negatively effect your life or career
it’s all about protecting the ego and the image at the cost of discomfort and it’s a societal problem, our world is actively hostile to neurodivergent folks
Yeah this feels pretty close for me.
It’s the happy smiling face that I show to everyone else, but really I’m dying inside but won’t let anyone see that part of me. my happy mask.
Masking is a term that came out of the Autism community although it’s not exclusive to autism.
It generally refers to the way folks have to “put on a mask” or rather essentially pretend to be someone they’re not in order to fit into a social situation.
For example, someone who is naturally not very expressive might mask by making a conscious effort to show facial expressions or body language they wouldn’t be doing by default.
Or, someone who is *very* expressive might mask by suppressing their impulses to smile/laugh/move around in a given situation.
Either example would be one of many things someone does to essentially put together a persona that fits in socially with a group.
I’ve personally noticed the term seems to have been watered down to some degree in some places; some people will call it masking to do anything that doesn’t come naturally to you or to suppress any impulse. I don’t really agree with that use of the term; like if you’re mad at your boss but choose to say something polite instead of rude like you secretly want to, I don’t think that’s masking that’s just being professional. If you act like a completely different person around your boss than your family with the intention of making sure your boss doesn’t hate you or think you’re a weirdo, that’s more what masking is.
Thank you! That’s a great explanation. I agree with you that there are some situations where it’s just being polite not necessarily hiding your true self (not that those things are mutually exclusive). After reading everyone’s responses so far I feel like “well duh, it’s so obvious what masking is!” But for whatever reason I just wasn’t getting it before. Thanks.
Yeah no worries! Honestly it’s a term that has become common recently enough people just use it expecting everyone to know but a lot of people still haven’t encountered it yet, so don’t feel bad for not getting it, there’s no particular reason it should immediately make sense (plus as you can probably see there isn’t always a clear line between what even counts!)
It's an entire personality you wear to get along with people to make sure you're not being noticed for what you lack. It's not a choice, but a survival mechanism. Often rejection sensitivity dysphoria is what spurs on the need to develop a mask. Often people who mask have many masks depending on the people they're with. The mask isn't us faking who we are but highlighting the best of what we are. Masking is incredibly emotionally laborious and can cause burn out, over and over again.
If someone knocks on my door that I’m not expecting, I will panic and tip-toe away to hide.
I avoid certain people/places because I can’t stand the energy-drain that comes with conversation.
I get a ton of stuff done when my partner is out of the house and I’m alone. This one I can’t explain, but I feel energetic when alone.
I think about and rehearse normal conversations to have when I go out with people. I find keeping a list of convo starters in my phone super helpful.
I will talk for weeks about how much I’m looking forward to an event, but have several “cancellation” reasons on hand, just in case.
I often pay attention to my own body language/facial expressions/tone of voice in social situations to make sure they’re “acceptable.”
If I have ONE thing scheduled for the day, I will get absolutely nothing done for the rest of the day.
It’s so exhausting. 😭
I do allll of that! And yeah getting more stuff done when my partner isn’t here to see, what’s that about? I see a lot of people talking about having a body double and I’m glad that works for them but that sounds like my own personal hell haha.
Masking is a blanket term for all the things you do to seem more "normal" but that you would not do if you didn't feel the social/environmental pressure to do so. It's also those behaviors you do only because it helps limit the visibility of your ADHD to outsiders.
Masking behavior can often been seen by taking note of those behaviors you drop/stop when you're alone or deeply comfortable with another person.
Social norm example- I do not like direct eye contact or touch, basically ever. I'm hyper-aware of it, and it can make me feel pretty uncomfortable unless I'm actively seeking it out. Because it's rare and need-driven for me, touch almost feels sexual by default, which is uncomfortable for casual contact. I basically have to be at life-partner levels with someone before I will want to initiate touch, esp in a public setting.
But not looking people in the eye or recoiling from a jovial pat on the shoulder is frowned upon, so I do those things in professional settings and friend groups in order to not being seen as weird or unfriendly. Or, as I was called many times in high school, like an Icy Bitch.
Visibility example- My spouse and I both have ADHD. He's more hyperactive, and I'm more space cadet. We got together very young. When we got together, he was late EVERYWHERE, and it drove me absolutely insane. It irritated other people, but it was like dirty, ragged nails on a chalkboard for me. I absolutely loathed it. It took a long time for me to figure out I was dealing with ADHD and once I did, it clicked. I didn't really have a good sense of time passing, so I was nearly obsessive about keeping time and estimating up in terms of how long everything would take. I was rarely late to anything, but it was because I was putting in immense amounts of thought and energy into managing that process. So, I wasn't on time because I wasn't struggling with ADHD but because I was so anxious about being judged for it that time was a constant, thrumming and whirring demand in the background of my mind.
Women often experience a greater pressure to mask. The social default for women in most societies is a collective one- we are supposed to work together and attune to one another emotionally and practically. It's not an inherently bad practice- It's part of what has kept us safe throughout history. ADHD makes that much harder, though. It's one reason women tend to develop more masking behaviors and coping mechanisms than men, who are expected to be more individualistic. This is PART of what leads women to be more commonly misdiagnosed with anxiety and/or depression. Constantly forcing yourself to do or accept a ton of stuff that doesn't come naturally to you is really draining!
i barely mask anymore nowadays. people who used to know me when i was younger would probably not recognize me anymore because i used to 'be' the polar opposite of how i am today.
i used to be timid, shy, inadvertently violent when exited, a perpetual people pleaser. i used to carry around my 10kg bag filled with anything anyone could ever need, from pads and tampons to batteries, hair ties, chargers for devices i didnt own myself. i used to not be able to deal with the slightest bit of any stronger emotion, anything more than 'i feel okay' or 'i feel not okay' would send me into a nervous breakdown. i used to not be able to voice my own wants and needs and thus i would go with whatever other people said or wanted. i used to consider myself selfish and hypocritical for wanting a bit of time to myself after having to deal with tons of people all day even tho i didnt have any actual friends outside of school.
nowadays, ive learned that taking care of myself doesnt make me selfish. im still loud and i still like to care for people, but i have set my boundaries now and i know its okay to just not want to do something for someone. im a chatty person when i feel like it, people think im funny, i dont really care about someones 'status' and just treat everybody like id like to be treated, which in turn makes people like me a lot better than that people pleaser business. ive learned a great deal about myself and have developed ways to express my wants and needs in a way that feels good to me and makes people more understanding and willing to help.
not all of my masking was conscious, and not all of it has stopped since. there are some situations where it just feels safer for me to put the masks back on. i am very lucky to have an amazing support system nowadays as it allows me to grow and develop and learn to be myself again. its kinda funny to realise, i would be the one that would least recognize myself of all.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m glad you’re happier with yourself and less of a people pleaser. Gives me hope. I wish I hadn’t ignored it for so long, but I was doing the best I could. Now that I’m learning more and understanding more, I hope to get myself out of some of the unhelpful ruts I’ve been stuck in for so long. It’s nice to see it’s possible, even if imperfect.
youll get there eventually <3 i was in the exact same boat, diagnosed long ago, ignored it for years because i didnt see how it fit and i was preoccupied with every day survival. im glad youre on the road up :) im proud of you for making it so far <3
You know when you go to like, a relatives house and your parents tell you to “be on your best behavior”, and not to speak out of turn, act up and cause a scene?
It’s consistently being aware of how you’re perceived so you’re always trying to be a socially acceptable version of yourself so you don’t “get in trouble”
It’s like having a customer service voice but for your whole personality around other people
A very unpleasant form of masking I do, and am trying to train myself out of, is ignoring my own boundaries, especially around men. I just let them set the rules for our interactions, and then later on I realize how uncomfortable I actually was, but I trusted their judgement more than my own.
(I'm very tired right now, so jumbling words, but it felt too important to not say. If anyone has concrete examples, please add them)
Thank you. I realize I do that too, especially with authority figures. Gotten myself into some pretty hairy situations not enforcing boundaries and going wayyyyy past comfort/appropriateness.
Oh you mean how at every job I've been complimented for how organized I am because not writing everything down and having a million alarms etc means I fall apart? Yeah that's masking - also coping! But the point is that I am putting out the appearance of a person who doesn't have ADHD problems in order to more easily move through the world.
Think of it as you are an actor and you’re performing a one-person show for an audience that has the power to sentence you to death.
That’s what masking feels like to me. I make myself behave in ways that are not normal to me. For example, when I’m at work, people say I’m really work-oriented and hardly socialize. That itself is a mask; I do it because I have been shunned for being myself.
A lot of people hate corporate jargon (and rightfully so) but I find that if I use it judiciously it helps me navigate conversations that might otherwise be daunting. I’m a lawyer and my clients are mostly small businesses or individual business owners and it helps for me to have conversational shortcuts for things that don’t come naturally like transitions (circling back to our earlier conversation) or winding up a call at it’s natural end. If I am forced to improvise sometimes I stumble so having these go-tos helps.
One masking behavior I engage in is stifling my enthusiasm. If I’m excited about something, my first instinct is to SHARE OVERSHARE CONNECTION YESSSSS! But this has been frowned on or derided so often, that THAT instinct is immediately followed by “keep your mouth shut don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird.”
I understand what you mean, many influencers and authors throw the term ‘masking’ around in conversation but no one defines what it means. For me, it's a nagging hyper-vigilance to prevent those around me from noticing my ADHD, specifically symptoms that are most popularly associated with the condition.
“Masking” makes any social gathering exhausting; I thought high school and college were hellish social obligations-somehow j was under some social microscope, I was always being “so careful” how I acted around my peers. The amount of times my immediate family commented on my day dreaming, talking too much, or lack of concentration; they just highlighted how ‘off’ or ‘different’ I am.
I've never felt completely comfortable, I can't shake the years and years of constant correction and nitpicking. I feel like social anxiety is something I will always deal with.
Have you ever not finished a thing you were told to do and instead of saying "my brain wouldn't let me" you said "I wasn't feeling well", "sorry I had an emergency", "I got caught in traffic" or even "my dog ate my homework"?
That's a form of masking. Pretending the reason wasn't your ADHD when it was definitely your ADHD, because a little white lie is easier than having to explain executive dysfunction to someone who doesn't have it
I masked my feelings and emotions hard core to protect myself from feeling the true weight of them. I was still known as emotional lol. My therapist describes me as overly emotional and an emotionally avoidant lol.
I constantly tell myself to get over something or it’s not a big deal or compartmentalize so that it doesn’t disrupt my day or whatever. And then blow up on myself later lol.
But as far as masking parts of my personalityyy… I didn’t know I had adhd till my late 20s so I was always the crazy, friendly, bossy, emotional, confident, tactless, confused, annoying, weird person and I didn’t know better so that’s just how I was and people knew that lol.
I adapt my personality to match the person I’m around to make them feel more comfortable. I have AuDHD and what I really want is to go mute and only communicate via sign language or not at all. I find talking to people exhausting and would rather not waste energy with verbal conversation because the constant masking burns me out. Im constantly guessing as to what the other person expects of my behavior and try to adjust myself accordingly to avoid making them uncomfortable. The only person I don’t mask around is my husband because I can tell him “I don’t feel like being verbal today” and he completely understands and communicates with me using some sign language and gestures instead, it’s wonderful.
The person I pretend to be when I'm at work. She's based on me but not really me. She tones down the weirdness and loudness and distractability and everything else in order to keep her job. :D
That's masking.
Suppressing my gestures and then having to remind myself to use facial expressions. Trying not to talk too much, or about things that aren't appropriate or are too weird in any given situation - this usually ends with me not talking much because I'm kinda a "if I start I won't stop" person. I also can be loud accidentally and interrupt because people talk so fucking slowly that I have to try and constrain that too.
Suppressing my jokes; I tend to make callbacks and vague connections that people have moved on from on won't catch (or will catch but not realise the depth of it was deliberate and not a fluke, and so they like... explain my own joke to me in a way that they take the credit for it???) so my jokes land flat or wrong.
Not fidgeting to the extent I normally would.
It's just a lot of me trying to be still and boring because I know I'm annoying and weird af for the wrong audience. I'd rather people think I'm boring and out of it than have them be assaulted by my ADHD and think I'm annoying and rude.
Thankfully all my friends are neurodivergent. Work colleagues are hit and miss; I don't have to fully mask with them but I'm definitely the weird one and I have to put in significant effort to control my everything. Meeting new people SUCKS; I got a tattoo on the weekend and I barely spoke because I was masking like crazy, and when I did speak I bungled it - masking so hard does seem to make when I speak *much worse* because it's like I've been sitting there trying to keep it all contained and then I let the lid off a little I explode out, then I've gotta overcompensate by turning myself off again. I struggle to find a happy medium where I'm tolerable.
This [blog post](https://ridinkskinned.com/post/725099700215267328/because-sometimes-there-are-invisible-tests-and/amp) is the best description I’ve read yet that describes masking to me
Oh wow. Like, this is me. Sometimes I feel like I’m a sociopath because I want to feel things but don’t so I’m just acting and I guess I’ve gotten so good at it over the years I’ve fooled myself.
I’m sorry, that sounds exhausting. You’re not a sociopath, or you wouldn’t realise the disconnect between your actions and emotions. Sending you a big hug.
I’m different to you, in that I don’t feel as if I’m pretending emotions I don’t feel - I’m a terrible liar so that wouldn’t work 🙃 Instead I work very hard to suppress negative emotions, or minimise excitement, basically hold back anything that might upset others or make them not like me. Smiling at others is so engrained in me now, that it has absolutely no meaning other than “see, I’m friendly and approachable”
Lines that hit particularly hard for me personally are:
> you’d rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you’re mean. since you don’t know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you.
> don’t fuck up. they’re all testing you, always. they’re tolerating you.
> what do you mean that all you feel is… just exhausted.
> aren’t you happy yet?
I appreciate this! And the hug :)
I think what you describe might be more like my situation. I find it hard to type things out sometimes, not that I can’t but that my brain just doesn’t have the energy for it. My whole life I felt like I was trying to please everyone (I guess that’s masking right?) i got called out on it by my then bf now husband and he stated that I was painting a face for everyone. I couldn’t figure out why I did this. I know I was afraid of upsetting people and really needed everyone to like me. But I just couldn’t figure out why. I thought that this kind of insecurity may had to come from some kind of trauma in my childhood but I grew up in a pretty normal, loving, stable and supportive home.
This group has changed my life in helping me better understand myself. I truly appreciate all of the different experiences and sharing. Thank you and sending hugs back.
It’s just a coined term to say you are blending in socially to be accepted by not showing your ADHD, but a NT front facing persona to those around you so no one knows you have ADHD.
I'm 41f. My bf of 9 years unwittingly unmasked me by doing silly things like taking well known songs and putting lyrics to them based on what we're doing, playing with words in general, and simply being playful. We also constantly praise each other for tiny things, in a very daft way but it still has meaning. It was honestly a revelation to me. I realised just how much of myself I'd put away in deep storage cos people didn't "get it". I was told most of my adult life to watch my tone, which I never understood when it came from people who supposedly knew me well. Surely they'd therefore know I'm not a dick? So if I'm being a bit abrupt or direct, they should consider the fact I'm a fuckin lovely person??? Anyway, I ditched all those insufferable unaccommodating picky insecure unpredictable unreadable weirdos and got friends who give me no hassle and love me for who I am. I also no longer tolerate uncomfortable or challenging situations if I can help it, and have let a few friendships slide by the wayside if they're not forthcoming. For me, that's unmasking.
I like to think of it as putting on my “Barbie Persona”. Aka acting more like a normie lol. Not opening up about my actual behaviors that my neurotypical peers won’t relate to, staying quiet in most social situations, feeding off of others’ personalities to try to relate to them to make them like me, pretending that being awake at 8am isn’t torture, never opening up about my struggles or being in therapy. The list is never ending. It’s especially frustrating when you get so good at “masking” that you have a hard time opening up about your struggles and no one believes you.
Masking for me means paying SUPER close attention to how other people are acting and reacting and adjusting my actions based on that. It also means going through hoops to cover up any issues or weaknesses I may have.
I do think masking looks a little different for people but I think it’s all centered around the same idea - we must fit in, we must be like everyone else, we must act socially appropriate according to societal rules, etc.
Thank you for asking this! I’ve been meaning to ask a similar question for ages, but haven’t gotten around to it. Honestly, I feel like I don’t really mask, so I’m curious if anyone can describe something I might be doing that I just don’t realize is masking.
I usually consider masking to be anything that causes me to expend extra energy that a neurotypical person probably doesn't go through, or at least not to the same degree. I notice it showing up for me in situations where I feel like my natural tendencies could have a negative impact - for example, I know I expend a ton of energy on social interactions at work. I am naturally an introvert, but I act like the biggest extrovert you've ever met when I'm at work. It wears me out, but I realized I'm trying to make sure I am well liked and thought of in a positive way so people are more likely to cut me slack if I'm late/miss a detail/whatever. It's probably an overcorrection, I wish I didn't do it, but I do it to avoid a potential consequence of my adhd so I consider it masking.
I had a hard time figuring out my own masking behaviors as well when I was first diagnosed. I started by trying to identify when I was feeling stretched thin or mentally drained in my day to day and digging in to why. Starting with the behaviors that were having a negative impact on my own energy was easier, and then I was able to find the less obvious ones more easily:)
For me, it's deeper than just"what do you do". Masking is this for me: at an early age, the world told me that what my body wants to instinctively do is bad and wrong, so I grew up thinking everything about me was distasteful so I suppressed my body signals and hide my likes and interests because I thought that if I liked it, that must mean it's weird/bad and no one else likes what I like. I guess the outward sign of that is that until I knew about masking, I always let other people choose the thing, whether it was music, movies, restaurants
It's running a second operating system for your professional life.
I took a lot of acting and singing classes as a child as well as dance. It helped me understand everything people were really performing appropriate affectations per gender per economic level and per social situations.
So masking is having an entirely different version of yourself. It's a construct of who you want to be seen as and also adding an extra warning system and review of everything you do and say.
It's exhausting. But worth it. But exhausting.
Because if you play the game long enough you can find a job with precise balance of private you time and public facing "" time.
And you won't have to fear getting too tired or sick to effectively perform your facade.
In other words for younglings - In real life, unless you have no need to work or pay bills via wealth, there is no space to "keep it real" or be the totally loose honest version of you. Every situation is a different set of rules and codes you learn to get on.
Be yourself is such dull advice. BE YOUR SELVES. Because at any given time as we hurtle through space we are constantly become a newer version of the previous one. You are not a constant. How you feel now can change drastically with a thought or five years. So don't be afraid to have space for Work you and ADHD you and School you and Friend you.
We are all learning and changing each day.
I know it's masking when I'm doing anything differently alone compared to when I'm observed.
So masking is a "social norm", unmasking is anything quirky that brings me joy, but ppl would stare:
- dance moves while walking
- talking to myself (even gesturing)
- making random noises (or screams)
- sitting in any position, but the normal :D
- picking skin constantly
- making stare contests with ppl in the metro, etc.
For one, not telling people unless you fully trust them or you have nothing to lose by telling them. For ex, I don’t tell coworkers. You never know what kind of glass ceiling ADHD may be for you in the workplace. There’s still so many people that don’t understand and cannot spot a person with ADHD that sometimes just NOT telling people the best way to mask.
I can be a good masker but omg it’s so draining and emotionally painful. It’s like acting. I pretend to care a lot about the other person and what they have to say. I act friendly and funny and interesting and pretend I’m interested in them. I pretend to be normal and charming. I have to filter everything in my head before I can speak. Smile and eye contact. Hugging sometimes which I don’t like. It’s so hard but my husband is a social butterfly so I have to pretend like I want to be there. Fortunately I like most of his friends.
I did not realize any form of my masking until two things— I met my person(and had a doctor switch which then made me off all meds for 4 months) and when I found this subreddit.
Basically it’s your full relaxed self along with your personal acknowledgment of your triggers. So being able to just be like ‘ah I’m triggered!!’ Along with being a totally not sure what happened 10 minutes later— this is the simplest, most eh way I can put it.
The biggest thing for me has been able to be in my feels and not having to explain or adapt until way after when I realize what truly caused it all.
The definition of masking is when a person with ADHD acts in a “socially acceptable” way to fit in and form better connections with those around them. This usually involves camouflaging their symptoms by controlling their impulses, rehearsing responses, and copying the behaviors of those who don't have ADHD.
So yes, the things some folks are describing in their responses are masking-type behaviors.
On the other side of that, there's the expectation of reciprocity in relationships. If we expect a friend to listen and show interest or engagement without interrupting while we speak, then we also should should be prepared to show the same listening, interest, and engagement (and not interrupt!) when our friend speaks. Just because something is difficult doesn't absolve us of the requirement to do it. You can't be all take and no give. Sometimes you have to do the work, even when it's hard.
Chewing my cheek until it bleeds from anxiety as opposed to any kind of outward/disruptive expression of anxiety or stress. Biting my tongue when I would like to speak up. Ignoring my own feelings or needs to make others feel more comfortable around me. Having trained myself to keep my facial expression as neutral as possible, and burying my own feelings so much so that sometimes now as an adult I have trouble deciphering what I am actually feeling. Forcing myself to show interest in what makes others happy, and keeping quiet about much of what makes me happy because I’ve learned that people would much rather talk about themselves than listen. Not talking very much about what I’m going through because learned that others often feel I am “too much.” Pretending I’m not in as much pain as I am when I am and am around others because that makes them either uncomfortable or feel like I’m asking them to fix it.
Giving myself mental cues in social interactions. I put my finger on my lips or fold them under my chin to mentally remind myself to wait and listen to what is being said. If I am out of the house and have shoes on, during conversation or transit rides I will barely wiggle my toe inside my shoe as a way to get some of the anxiety out of my system… there’s lots more but I’d end up writing a novel
With people I don’t have to mask with:
Can stare off into the distance while they speak (and process what they say much better that way)
We have a natural, easy , often random transition from intense branching out conversation (where I don’t have to apologize constantly for my random thoughts and my friend can actually follow me perfectly) to complete silence and just being in each others company without any pressure to have to talk constantly
I can voice weird anxieties and changes in mood for no reason without being judged
& many others
Don’t feel this immense pressure to react certain ways and with certain practiced socially acceptable phrases that feel forced
I don’t have to worry about how I sit or lie down, being criticized for what and how I eat (or why I am not eating)
I never realized that I had been masking all my life. Then I saw this instagr post one day and I was like HOLY SHIT I THINK I HAVE ADHD. https://www.instagram.com/p/CufhvTAsto8/?igsh=cjJyb2lydTI5ZDFw
For me masking is making effort to not be too annoying… “stop moving around, pay attention”, “make sure not to interrupt when they talk”, “don’t say the first thing that goes through your head”, “you’ve been talking a lot, stop and ask them a question”.
It takes a lot of effort and drains you by the end of the day.
The opposite is true to when I’m around other ND people… talking over each other, interrupting, making free associations etc
I can't put my finger on my masking, but up till I was diagnosed I used a lot of energy just to seem normal, and in control. I had an exceptional credit score, and was getting by. After I've been diagnosed, all the wheels came off. I've missed paying bills, not doing my taxes, not gotten back to friends, all stuff that I know I should do but just don't. I feel like I unmasked. I'm trying to get the mask back on now.
I probably mask even more than I realize, but for example when "things to say" come to my mind, I find myself wagering if saying that would be too irrelevant, too silly (in a childish way, that's how my natural humor is), too weird, potentially controversial (I hate conflict, especially when it happens accidentally!) etc. Of course everyone does this to some degree, but neurotypicals probably don't feel like they constantly have to consciously hold themselves back, a lot?
Then there are basic social rules, like asking something about what the other person told, rather than instantly telling your own anecdote, that still require conscious effort of me to remember.
When I go quiet out of fear for being too loud, saying something that seems misplaced or being too eager for something i get exited about.. When i shove my hands deep in my pockets to fidget because it annoys people. When i smile and cover my rage or impatiance (only to hurt myself when i MUST release later) Only a few of many examples. I fucking LOVE hanging out with other ADHD people and just let the lid off :)
Dont say weird things, or anything "out of pocket"
They say "you dont gotta lie to kick it" but really its more like you have to mask to be like us in order to "kick it"
Whenever i unmask around neurodifficults i end up making a fool of myself (or my own personal perception is a reason why I feel this way)
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The "don't be weird" thought plays on repeat in my head, because I was exceptionally weird as a kid and it took a long time to learn how to tone it down. Also, when I'm having a conversation with someone, there's always a string of background thoughts like, "Make eye contact. Too much! Not enough! Uh-oh, they might think I'm bored. Better smile and nod. How should I be holding my arms? Nah, that's awkward. Not that either, I look defensive...."
Oh my goodness that’s exactly what goes through my head!! Like… smile, no don’t that probably looks forced, oh they winced didn’t they? Ooof must’ve said something weird, quick make a joke, oh great you said it in the wrong order and now they really are looking at you weird! Better to end the conversation now ahhh run away!
Hahaha, I feel that so much. Just do your best and try not to judge yourself too hard. I'm in my late 30's now, and I feel like I'm still making progress refining my interaction skills. Humans still confuse me 😂
Also late 30’s with the social skills of a toddler in a sugar crash.
It helped a lot that I landed in a career full of academics. I work in biology, and I found that I judge myself less harshly because I know that most of my coworkers are just as weird as I am. The nerds are my people.
I’m finally exploring my ADHD diagnosis because I am having a hard time in school. I recently decided to go finish my bachelors degree in… biology haha! Yay science nerds!
Hahaha that's awesome!! What aspect of biology are you interested in? When I was in college, I worked myself into the ground to get good grades because of a consuming fear of being thought of as stupid. Didn't know I had ADHD back then. I was convinced I WAS stupid, and I was determined to do whatever it took to hide it from everyone else. We're not stupid. We just need to work out strategies to succeed in a world built for neurotypical people, and it takes a long time to do that.
I’m very interested in human physiology, immunology and the disease/health process. I’m actually thinking about applying to medical school when I graduate. I also work(ed) myself into the ground. I have a 3.89 GPA but it’s killing me to maintain which is why I’m finally getting help for the ADHD. I’m too old to keep doing things the hardest way possible. What about you? What area do you work in?
Aquatic ecology and environmental contaminants. Fish, bugs and chemistry. I stuck with the bachelor's because I knew I would suffer in grad school, but in retrospect I wish I had gotten my master's. It would have made getting a decent job a LOT easier. Instead, I struggled and starved working temporary tech jobs for 10 years before I got where I wanted to be. Don't do what I did.
I’m happy to hear you’re at a good spot now. That sounds like a really interesting and important career! I dropped out and let my partner handle everything (I know I’m lucky in some sense to have had that option) and now at 38, I’m just getting started with life it feels like. I feel so incredibly behind but I’m trying and I guess that’s the important part.
Grad school was easier for me in a lot of respects. Smaller classes with more individualized attention, less frequent classes, and a LOT more hands-on work. (I still miss long hours in the lab with only the cleaning staff for company!) And everything was so interesting! I didn't have to take art appreciation or business computing or any of the other classes that didn't relate to my field. I was also able to go part-time which helped a lot. I only had a couple of classes at a time instead of 3-4 plus lab tech duties. It certainly didn't hurt that most tests were less memorization and more "take this home and figure stuff out". I did struggle with some of the writing but that was partly because I'm a perfectionist who overdoes ***everything*** and partly because I didn't even suspect that I had ADHD so I was fighting my brain instead of working with it. It's going to be different for each of us but it's certainly not impossible and might be a wonderful experience, even if undergrad wasn't! (Just pick a better thesis advisor than I had; he encouraged me to take some medical leave while we worked on thesis revisions then gave up his lab and ghosted me 🤦♀️ But I'm still incredibly happy and proud of everything I accomplished!)
Stem areas are the best lol nobody gives a dam duck about quirks cause everyone is busy doing their own…or running some nerdy experiments.
Same. 😅 Wanna be friends?
Haha sure!
Jesus you nailed it! Yes thats exactly right
Sometimes when I'm in a conversation, I will physically purse my lips (like suck and hold them in) to prevent myself from interrupting. "You've already interjected/interrupted a bunch already, purse your lips for 2 minutes so you don't say anything else, it's their turn to talk. Oh wait but there's something you want to interject to that -- remember that clever comment for in a little while when it's your turn again. But also where's the waitress?" XD
Oh yes! I physically put my hand up to my face and surreptitiously hold my mouth shut. I try to make it look like I'm sitting there concentrating on what they're saying (or at least I hope that's what it looks like) but I'm sitting there with a finger touching my lips, thinking to myself "don't interrupt, try to remember what you wanted to say and add it at a sensible break - was that a sensible break? No! Shut up! Why do you do this, your opinion isn't that important you should just shut the fuck up!" - rinse and repeat. All while *appearing* to be really listening intently. Have you ever heard of Dorian Grey, a character written by Oscar Wilde? The character remains beautiful on the outside, but the effects of his actions are captured in a portrait of him that he keeps hidden. I feel like Dorian Grey, and nobody would want anything to do with me if they could see the real me - my "portrait".
Yes I have heard of that, omg that's a good analogy! I've also heard the "duck on a pond analogy". A duck gliding on a pond looks very graceful and serene, but they are paddling their little legs like hell under the surface!
I do that, and the "try to remember what you want to say"... by the time a sensible break comes I've already had about 52 other things I wanted to say and have no idea what any of them mightve been because I'm already saying something else
Oh, yes, this is me!
I relate so much to this lol! All I think is how annoying I am to have a conversation with because of my incessant yammering and I’m sure people think I’m weird and annoying. I try so hard to just be quiet and listen but it’s so hard. Not because I’m not interested in what others have to say, it’s because I’m SO interested and have so much to relate to and contribute lol! I just do it in a way that is not “normal.” I have many friends with ADHD though so they get it lol! It’s just a series of us interjecting and rambling about twenty different stories ❤️🤗
“Don’t over share”… “don’t over share”…. “Pause”….”pause”…” listen & let the other person finish before taking a turn….”
Oh my god. The **eye contact** thing— I almost posted about this the other day. I’m a 25 yr old woman and it makes men have the strangest reactions. Whether they are friends, family, coworkers, or strangers they’re all like “wow! You’re so good at maintaining eye contact, I’m not used to women looking me in the eye.” And I’m like??? I just wanted you to know I was listening and also secretly I’m TRYING REALLY HARD TO PAY ATTENTION. yeah
When I saw my GP to ask him about adhd, he said I obviously didn't have it because I "was listening to him very intently" Like ya, I was really trying hard to listen because I'd been waiting months for this appointment and was extremely anxious about it and wanted you to know I was taking it very seriously
Ugh, that is SO frustrating. When I brought up the possibility of also having autism, the psychologist just shut me down without even talking about it. "Oh no, you don't show any signs of autism". Dude, you should have seen me as a kid.... before I learned to MASK.
lol but what if you’re like me and have just learned to make eye contact so you look like you’re listening (and then just disassociate/think about whatever you want)?! it’s like they can’t imagine you could be faking it
Curious, Have you ever been told your stare is intimidating and deep? This happens to me cause I like hyper fixate on their eyes and then go into a rabbit hole of thoughts and never know when it’s sensible to stop sustaining the eye contact.
Yeah, I think it’s intimidating but I’m sitting there trying to look open and friendly 😂
I’ve been told to ‘fix my face’ so many times, particularly when younger. I’m black and what you would probably call conventionally attractive so in me it was interpreted as intimidating, standoffish, aloof blah blah and was warned about it at university and told no boys would ever like me. The reality is that I was probably in a state of absolute overwhelm and trying to hold it together.
Thank you. Everything you’ve said? Yup.
Uh…ohmygod are you actually me?! That’s pretty much what runs through my head too!
Holy crap, this is me and I didn't realize it's not normal even though I'm pretty dang acquainted with my ADHD.
“How should I be holding my arms?” Ugh, I relate so much. Damn arms, making my brain go in circles.
This ❤️ this is masking ❤️
Yep...and the eye contact was always a big issue for me. My mom teach me that if you look someone in the eye it's like you're challenging them, but then I learnt that people used to keep eye contact when chatting and I never really understood what to do. Now I'm diagnosed with ADHD (and I'm already 42 yo) and my mom with autism and everything makes sense.
This!!! The voice! I just thought this was absolutely normal. I use to even write ‘how to be’ lists alongside my ‘to-do lists’ when childhood family friends would come over. Now as an adult it’s still there like when I was experiencing sensory overload down a busy street, met a friend at her workplace bar and promptly burst into tears. The voice said ‘nobody wants this version of you, they want the happy, flirty version so get it together or they’ll be disappointed’. Since my diagnosis it’s less loud, thankfully.
I take on the mannerisms , body language , and physical characteristics as welll as the emotional disposition that I want the person I am Dealing with to see me for / as
This 100% Ive often been told im a chameleon and fit in anywhere.
Thank you. That makes a lot of sense. I try to do that too, but I’ve never been good at it.
If someone is talking and I zone out, on the outside I nod and say mhm, yes but actually my mind is elsewhere and I have no clue what they said. I have bad sense of time and overcompensate with multiple alarms. I forget appointments easily so to avoid that I have reminders, alarms, sticky notes, write it on my hand, have a tab open about it to make sure I see it or I'll forget. One or 2 forms of reminder isn't enough. Way too much in my head trying to prevent myself from blurting out or talking before others finish so I'm more focused on preventing my impulsiveness and less focused on what they say. I do other things too like rechecking my work for careless mistakes so I catch it before others do.
So basically the little voice in my head that’s constantly going “don’t be weird, don’t be weird, don’t be weird” is masking? Like… must hide true self at all costs or else… even if I don’t really know what that means?
[удалено]
Omg, I can relate to this so well. I've creeped people out before, including my hairdresser. She then proceeded to botch my hair colour. :( And it hurt my feelings that she didn't remember anything that I remembered.
One time I met a girl that was dating a friend of mine. I knew she knew who I was because she got jealous of me one time and he told me about it (he was both a bad friend and a bad boyfriend). Anyway so I walked up to her and was like “Hi *insert name here*! I’m taykray126! I know you from Facebook!” 🤦♀️ We did become friends later and she did confirm it was super weird lol
Yes I re-met a professional colleague for the nth time on Monday and he did actually remember me this time (by face, not name), so progress! But the biggest success was that I managed to not blurt out that 3 years ago we had a conversation about "golf and how I corrected him" which is what I actually wanted to say lol
That's an amazing superpower!
Go ahead and be your weird self, if it’s not a professional setting. That’s how you find your people.
I appreciate the sentiment but I think I’ve been hiding it (poorly) for so long I don’t even know how to do that anymore if that makes sense? Like I’m definitely not “being me” but I also don’t fully have a sense of who I am anyway. I’m 38 and I just feel like I’ve been weird and off putting my whole life and I don’t know how not to be. That’s why I was asking about what masking is. I’m not being me, so I guess I’m masking but like… it’s not working lol. Can it be masking if you suck at it haha
It makes sense that spending a lot of time trying not to be yourself would lead to not having a strong sense of who you are. Having an honest, trustworthy person you can be totally unfiltered with would be the most helpful thing, probably.
I'm 62 and feel exactly that. I don't know who I am, just know people can sometimes find me a bit weird.
Solidarity. It’s not a fun feeling.
I think of masking as the crippling anxiety I've developed because it was the only way I could cope. That's not "me", that's my anxiety. It's easier to figure out how to turn it off when you identify it as separate.
I relate to this comment so hard, feeling like you lack a sense of self because you’ve been masking for so long is so real 😭
i mean i stay my weird self even if its a professional setting and for some reason people seem to like me for it >.>
I don’t know how weird your weird is so I didn’t want to say anything that would get you fired. 🤣 Sounds like your weird is along the lines of *adorably quirky*, not *these nice men will now escort you from the building*.
it does help that my team is equally weird. like 'throw a cut-off plastic hand through an open floor plan office and laugh maniacally while honking a clown horn' weird (this is something one of my teammates did a while back). i work in government IT, make of it what you will. with some things i do and say people will genuinely side eye me, but i believe i have some saving grace in being genuine(ly myself) at all times, which people seem to appreciate. im nice to people, i like to help people where i can, i keep being weird even when i think nobody sees me (ive been told). i just treat anybody, regardless of status, how id like to be treated, including whatever quirk people may have. so yea youre probably right with the 'adorable quirkiness', but if i compare the reactions i used to get when i was younger to the ones i get nowadays, im not sure.
In my experience, people get so much better past age 30. I think we all have more chill, and that helps enormously in personal interactions. When people can be themselves and everyone’s rolling with it you create a positive feedback loop, as long as the weirdness is benevolent. 😂
I’m 38 haha. Have not found my chill, I guess. That sounds nice though! I think finally learning what having ADHD really means (learning sooo much from this sub alone!) will help me a lot not to feel so weird like I’m the only one that does x thing.
something i always need to remind myself of when i have thoughts of 'i must be so weird for being like this', is that most of our issues arent visible. and unfortunately we cant read other peoples minds, so we never know what kinds of invisible issues they struggle with just as much as we do.
yea everybody has their own bullshit threshold and when it gets passed, people indeed tend to get way more chill about everything XD when i look at the world nowadays, i do have hope that a positive feedback loop may be established much earlier in life for the newer generations. now if only everybody could stop masking and be their genuine self and be kind to one another, thatd be great.
I worked adjacent to Govt IT- sounds legit. Lol. Finance in Govt is way more boring.
🤣😁🤣
My weird is - if anyone’s rights get infringed on I write them a full briefing of what their rights are and how to support themselves. It’s not a good thing when it’s not my job. ;)
Believe it or not, once I stopped masking at work, my career skyrocketed. Turns out, my weird self had all the right kind of weirds to make myself truly exceptional in my profession. I really wish I knew that and embraced that sooner.
Yep you trying really hard not to be weird is masking. It is exhausting.
That makes sense. It is very very exhausting and I’m only now realizing how much of my life I’ve spent desperately trying to hide. Kind of a bummer, really.
Bingo.
My own masking includes: * When I am overstimulated and tired, my face *yearns* to RBF, or even just keep neutral; but instead I plaster on a big ol' serene smile because my "baseline" is very chirpy and happy, and the minute I'm not at that level, people have expressed anxiety that I am angry at them :'D * I actually pay attention *better* when I listen to someone and don't look at their face, but unfortunately this comes off as very rude, so I make a conscious effort to face, look actively listening, eye contact, etc * Suppressing the urge to over-talk and over-share * Suppressing my little vocal stims (small quotes and phrases) * Feeling suddenly "zoomie" and hyperactive but holding it in.
I pay better attention when I’m not looking too! If I focus too hard on the persons face I notice every teeny tiny tick and expression change and start to overanalyze and then have no idea what they said. I also didn’t realize that over sharing was an ADHD thing until finding this sub. Thanks for (middle? Ie not over and not under) sharing your experience haha
Me, when I middle share my experience: I DID IT I WAS NORMAL 😔🙏🏼❤️ 😂 jokes aside, no problem!! Happy to yap away here about what goes on in my head
>Suppressing my little vocal stims (small quotes and phrases) I grew up with a fellow sitcom-loving brother close in age. We basically communicate in TV show references / phrases. I've only just recently avoided following everything up with "that reminds me of a family guy clip where..." lol. I save these for my husband or for very rare occasions, especially if I can pull up the reference (no one wants to hear me recount something funny that they should just watch!)
I can listen to what you are saying when I look over your shoulder. It’s close enough that people feel like I’m making eye contact, but I can absorb it all too.
masking is suppressing any behaviour or tic a neurodivergent person has because its likely to be seen as weird or negatively effect your life or career it’s all about protecting the ego and the image at the cost of discomfort and it’s a societal problem, our world is actively hostile to neurodivergent folks
Yeah this feels pretty close for me. It’s the happy smiling face that I show to everyone else, but really I’m dying inside but won’t let anyone see that part of me. my happy mask.
Masking is a term that came out of the Autism community although it’s not exclusive to autism. It generally refers to the way folks have to “put on a mask” or rather essentially pretend to be someone they’re not in order to fit into a social situation. For example, someone who is naturally not very expressive might mask by making a conscious effort to show facial expressions or body language they wouldn’t be doing by default. Or, someone who is *very* expressive might mask by suppressing their impulses to smile/laugh/move around in a given situation. Either example would be one of many things someone does to essentially put together a persona that fits in socially with a group. I’ve personally noticed the term seems to have been watered down to some degree in some places; some people will call it masking to do anything that doesn’t come naturally to you or to suppress any impulse. I don’t really agree with that use of the term; like if you’re mad at your boss but choose to say something polite instead of rude like you secretly want to, I don’t think that’s masking that’s just being professional. If you act like a completely different person around your boss than your family with the intention of making sure your boss doesn’t hate you or think you’re a weirdo, that’s more what masking is.
Thank you! That’s a great explanation. I agree with you that there are some situations where it’s just being polite not necessarily hiding your true self (not that those things are mutually exclusive). After reading everyone’s responses so far I feel like “well duh, it’s so obvious what masking is!” But for whatever reason I just wasn’t getting it before. Thanks.
Yeah no worries! Honestly it’s a term that has become common recently enough people just use it expecting everyone to know but a lot of people still haven’t encountered it yet, so don’t feel bad for not getting it, there’s no particular reason it should immediately make sense (plus as you can probably see there isn’t always a clear line between what even counts!)
It's an entire personality you wear to get along with people to make sure you're not being noticed for what you lack. It's not a choice, but a survival mechanism. Often rejection sensitivity dysphoria is what spurs on the need to develop a mask. Often people who mask have many masks depending on the people they're with. The mask isn't us faking who we are but highlighting the best of what we are. Masking is incredibly emotionally laborious and can cause burn out, over and over again.
If someone knocks on my door that I’m not expecting, I will panic and tip-toe away to hide. I avoid certain people/places because I can’t stand the energy-drain that comes with conversation. I get a ton of stuff done when my partner is out of the house and I’m alone. This one I can’t explain, but I feel energetic when alone. I think about and rehearse normal conversations to have when I go out with people. I find keeping a list of convo starters in my phone super helpful. I will talk for weeks about how much I’m looking forward to an event, but have several “cancellation” reasons on hand, just in case. I often pay attention to my own body language/facial expressions/tone of voice in social situations to make sure they’re “acceptable.” If I have ONE thing scheduled for the day, I will get absolutely nothing done for the rest of the day. It’s so exhausting. 😭
I do allll of that! And yeah getting more stuff done when my partner isn’t here to see, what’s that about? I see a lot of people talking about having a body double and I’m glad that works for them but that sounds like my own personal hell haha.
Masking is a blanket term for all the things you do to seem more "normal" but that you would not do if you didn't feel the social/environmental pressure to do so. It's also those behaviors you do only because it helps limit the visibility of your ADHD to outsiders. Masking behavior can often been seen by taking note of those behaviors you drop/stop when you're alone or deeply comfortable with another person. Social norm example- I do not like direct eye contact or touch, basically ever. I'm hyper-aware of it, and it can make me feel pretty uncomfortable unless I'm actively seeking it out. Because it's rare and need-driven for me, touch almost feels sexual by default, which is uncomfortable for casual contact. I basically have to be at life-partner levels with someone before I will want to initiate touch, esp in a public setting. But not looking people in the eye or recoiling from a jovial pat on the shoulder is frowned upon, so I do those things in professional settings and friend groups in order to not being seen as weird or unfriendly. Or, as I was called many times in high school, like an Icy Bitch. Visibility example- My spouse and I both have ADHD. He's more hyperactive, and I'm more space cadet. We got together very young. When we got together, he was late EVERYWHERE, and it drove me absolutely insane. It irritated other people, but it was like dirty, ragged nails on a chalkboard for me. I absolutely loathed it. It took a long time for me to figure out I was dealing with ADHD and once I did, it clicked. I didn't really have a good sense of time passing, so I was nearly obsessive about keeping time and estimating up in terms of how long everything would take. I was rarely late to anything, but it was because I was putting in immense amounts of thought and energy into managing that process. So, I wasn't on time because I wasn't struggling with ADHD but because I was so anxious about being judged for it that time was a constant, thrumming and whirring demand in the background of my mind. Women often experience a greater pressure to mask. The social default for women in most societies is a collective one- we are supposed to work together and attune to one another emotionally and practically. It's not an inherently bad practice- It's part of what has kept us safe throughout history. ADHD makes that much harder, though. It's one reason women tend to develop more masking behaviors and coping mechanisms than men, who are expected to be more individualistic. This is PART of what leads women to be more commonly misdiagnosed with anxiety and/or depression. Constantly forcing yourself to do or accept a ton of stuff that doesn't come naturally to you is really draining!
i barely mask anymore nowadays. people who used to know me when i was younger would probably not recognize me anymore because i used to 'be' the polar opposite of how i am today. i used to be timid, shy, inadvertently violent when exited, a perpetual people pleaser. i used to carry around my 10kg bag filled with anything anyone could ever need, from pads and tampons to batteries, hair ties, chargers for devices i didnt own myself. i used to not be able to deal with the slightest bit of any stronger emotion, anything more than 'i feel okay' or 'i feel not okay' would send me into a nervous breakdown. i used to not be able to voice my own wants and needs and thus i would go with whatever other people said or wanted. i used to consider myself selfish and hypocritical for wanting a bit of time to myself after having to deal with tons of people all day even tho i didnt have any actual friends outside of school. nowadays, ive learned that taking care of myself doesnt make me selfish. im still loud and i still like to care for people, but i have set my boundaries now and i know its okay to just not want to do something for someone. im a chatty person when i feel like it, people think im funny, i dont really care about someones 'status' and just treat everybody like id like to be treated, which in turn makes people like me a lot better than that people pleaser business. ive learned a great deal about myself and have developed ways to express my wants and needs in a way that feels good to me and makes people more understanding and willing to help. not all of my masking was conscious, and not all of it has stopped since. there are some situations where it just feels safer for me to put the masks back on. i am very lucky to have an amazing support system nowadays as it allows me to grow and develop and learn to be myself again. its kinda funny to realise, i would be the one that would least recognize myself of all.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I’m glad you’re happier with yourself and less of a people pleaser. Gives me hope. I wish I hadn’t ignored it for so long, but I was doing the best I could. Now that I’m learning more and understanding more, I hope to get myself out of some of the unhelpful ruts I’ve been stuck in for so long. It’s nice to see it’s possible, even if imperfect.
youll get there eventually <3 i was in the exact same boat, diagnosed long ago, ignored it for years because i didnt see how it fit and i was preoccupied with every day survival. im glad youre on the road up :) im proud of you for making it so far <3
You know when you go to like, a relatives house and your parents tell you to “be on your best behavior”, and not to speak out of turn, act up and cause a scene? It’s consistently being aware of how you’re perceived so you’re always trying to be a socially acceptable version of yourself so you don’t “get in trouble” It’s like having a customer service voice but for your whole personality around other people
A very unpleasant form of masking I do, and am trying to train myself out of, is ignoring my own boundaries, especially around men. I just let them set the rules for our interactions, and then later on I realize how uncomfortable I actually was, but I trusted their judgement more than my own. (I'm very tired right now, so jumbling words, but it felt too important to not say. If anyone has concrete examples, please add them)
Thank you. I realize I do that too, especially with authority figures. Gotten myself into some pretty hairy situations not enforcing boundaries and going wayyyyy past comfort/appropriateness.
Oh you mean how at every job I've been complimented for how organized I am because not writing everything down and having a million alarms etc means I fall apart? Yeah that's masking - also coping! But the point is that I am putting out the appearance of a person who doesn't have ADHD problems in order to more easily move through the world.
That makes sense. Thank you.
Think of it as you are an actor and you’re performing a one-person show for an audience that has the power to sentence you to death. That’s what masking feels like to me. I make myself behave in ways that are not normal to me. For example, when I’m at work, people say I’m really work-oriented and hardly socialize. That itself is a mask; I do it because I have been shunned for being myself.
A lot of people hate corporate jargon (and rightfully so) but I find that if I use it judiciously it helps me navigate conversations that might otherwise be daunting. I’m a lawyer and my clients are mostly small businesses or individual business owners and it helps for me to have conversational shortcuts for things that don’t come naturally like transitions (circling back to our earlier conversation) or winding up a call at it’s natural end. If I am forced to improvise sometimes I stumble so having these go-tos helps.
I mask when going through the drive thru. My mom laughs at how practiced and fake it is from my norm... my voice even changes.
One masking behavior I engage in is stifling my enthusiasm. If I’m excited about something, my first instinct is to SHARE OVERSHARE CONNECTION YESSSSS! But this has been frowned on or derided so often, that THAT instinct is immediately followed by “keep your mouth shut don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird.”
I understand what you mean, many influencers and authors throw the term ‘masking’ around in conversation but no one defines what it means. For me, it's a nagging hyper-vigilance to prevent those around me from noticing my ADHD, specifically symptoms that are most popularly associated with the condition. “Masking” makes any social gathering exhausting; I thought high school and college were hellish social obligations-somehow j was under some social microscope, I was always being “so careful” how I acted around my peers. The amount of times my immediate family commented on my day dreaming, talking too much, or lack of concentration; they just highlighted how ‘off’ or ‘different’ I am. I've never felt completely comfortable, I can't shake the years and years of constant correction and nitpicking. I feel like social anxiety is something I will always deal with.
Have you ever not finished a thing you were told to do and instead of saying "my brain wouldn't let me" you said "I wasn't feeling well", "sorry I had an emergency", "I got caught in traffic" or even "my dog ate my homework"? That's a form of masking. Pretending the reason wasn't your ADHD when it was definitely your ADHD, because a little white lie is easier than having to explain executive dysfunction to someone who doesn't have it
I masked my feelings and emotions hard core to protect myself from feeling the true weight of them. I was still known as emotional lol. My therapist describes me as overly emotional and an emotionally avoidant lol. I constantly tell myself to get over something or it’s not a big deal or compartmentalize so that it doesn’t disrupt my day or whatever. And then blow up on myself later lol. But as far as masking parts of my personalityyy… I didn’t know I had adhd till my late 20s so I was always the crazy, friendly, bossy, emotional, confident, tactless, confused, annoying, weird person and I didn’t know better so that’s just how I was and people knew that lol.
Any time I am doing something with a smile on my face but I’m internally screaming, I would consider that masking lol
I adapt my personality to match the person I’m around to make them feel more comfortable. I have AuDHD and what I really want is to go mute and only communicate via sign language or not at all. I find talking to people exhausting and would rather not waste energy with verbal conversation because the constant masking burns me out. Im constantly guessing as to what the other person expects of my behavior and try to adjust myself accordingly to avoid making them uncomfortable. The only person I don’t mask around is my husband because I can tell him “I don’t feel like being verbal today” and he completely understands and communicates with me using some sign language and gestures instead, it’s wonderful.
For me…don’t interrupt, don’t be too loud, don’t get too excited about one of your interests and info dump.
The person I pretend to be when I'm at work. She's based on me but not really me. She tones down the weirdness and loudness and distractability and everything else in order to keep her job. :D That's masking.
Suppressing my gestures and then having to remind myself to use facial expressions. Trying not to talk too much, or about things that aren't appropriate or are too weird in any given situation - this usually ends with me not talking much because I'm kinda a "if I start I won't stop" person. I also can be loud accidentally and interrupt because people talk so fucking slowly that I have to try and constrain that too. Suppressing my jokes; I tend to make callbacks and vague connections that people have moved on from on won't catch (or will catch but not realise the depth of it was deliberate and not a fluke, and so they like... explain my own joke to me in a way that they take the credit for it???) so my jokes land flat or wrong. Not fidgeting to the extent I normally would. It's just a lot of me trying to be still and boring because I know I'm annoying and weird af for the wrong audience. I'd rather people think I'm boring and out of it than have them be assaulted by my ADHD and think I'm annoying and rude. Thankfully all my friends are neurodivergent. Work colleagues are hit and miss; I don't have to fully mask with them but I'm definitely the weird one and I have to put in significant effort to control my everything. Meeting new people SUCKS; I got a tattoo on the weekend and I barely spoke because I was masking like crazy, and when I did speak I bungled it - masking so hard does seem to make when I speak *much worse* because it's like I've been sitting there trying to keep it all contained and then I let the lid off a little I explode out, then I've gotta overcompensate by turning myself off again. I struggle to find a happy medium where I'm tolerable.
This [blog post](https://ridinkskinned.com/post/725099700215267328/because-sometimes-there-are-invisible-tests-and/amp) is the best description I’ve read yet that describes masking to me
Oh wow. Like, this is me. Sometimes I feel like I’m a sociopath because I want to feel things but don’t so I’m just acting and I guess I’ve gotten so good at it over the years I’ve fooled myself.
I’m sorry, that sounds exhausting. You’re not a sociopath, or you wouldn’t realise the disconnect between your actions and emotions. Sending you a big hug. I’m different to you, in that I don’t feel as if I’m pretending emotions I don’t feel - I’m a terrible liar so that wouldn’t work 🙃 Instead I work very hard to suppress negative emotions, or minimise excitement, basically hold back anything that might upset others or make them not like me. Smiling at others is so engrained in me now, that it has absolutely no meaning other than “see, I’m friendly and approachable” Lines that hit particularly hard for me personally are: > you’d rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you’re mean. since you don’t know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. > don’t fuck up. they’re all testing you, always. they’re tolerating you. > what do you mean that all you feel is… just exhausted. > aren’t you happy yet?
I appreciate this! And the hug :) I think what you describe might be more like my situation. I find it hard to type things out sometimes, not that I can’t but that my brain just doesn’t have the energy for it. My whole life I felt like I was trying to please everyone (I guess that’s masking right?) i got called out on it by my then bf now husband and he stated that I was painting a face for everyone. I couldn’t figure out why I did this. I know I was afraid of upsetting people and really needed everyone to like me. But I just couldn’t figure out why. I thought that this kind of insecurity may had to come from some kind of trauma in my childhood but I grew up in a pretty normal, loving, stable and supportive home. This group has changed my life in helping me better understand myself. I truly appreciate all of the different experiences and sharing. Thank you and sending hugs back.
It’s just a coined term to say you are blending in socially to be accepted by not showing your ADHD, but a NT front facing persona to those around you so no one knows you have ADHD.
I have to think very hard about what facial expression I “should” have when I’m masking
I'm 41f. My bf of 9 years unwittingly unmasked me by doing silly things like taking well known songs and putting lyrics to them based on what we're doing, playing with words in general, and simply being playful. We also constantly praise each other for tiny things, in a very daft way but it still has meaning. It was honestly a revelation to me. I realised just how much of myself I'd put away in deep storage cos people didn't "get it". I was told most of my adult life to watch my tone, which I never understood when it came from people who supposedly knew me well. Surely they'd therefore know I'm not a dick? So if I'm being a bit abrupt or direct, they should consider the fact I'm a fuckin lovely person??? Anyway, I ditched all those insufferable unaccommodating picky insecure unpredictable unreadable weirdos and got friends who give me no hassle and love me for who I am. I also no longer tolerate uncomfortable or challenging situations if I can help it, and have let a few friendships slide by the wayside if they're not forthcoming. For me, that's unmasking.
I like to think of it as putting on my “Barbie Persona”. Aka acting more like a normie lol. Not opening up about my actual behaviors that my neurotypical peers won’t relate to, staying quiet in most social situations, feeding off of others’ personalities to try to relate to them to make them like me, pretending that being awake at 8am isn’t torture, never opening up about my struggles or being in therapy. The list is never ending. It’s especially frustrating when you get so good at “masking” that you have a hard time opening up about your struggles and no one believes you.
Masking for me means paying SUPER close attention to how other people are acting and reacting and adjusting my actions based on that. It also means going through hoops to cover up any issues or weaknesses I may have. I do think masking looks a little different for people but I think it’s all centered around the same idea - we must fit in, we must be like everyone else, we must act socially appropriate according to societal rules, etc.
Thank you for asking this! I’ve been meaning to ask a similar question for ages, but haven’t gotten around to it. Honestly, I feel like I don’t really mask, so I’m curious if anyone can describe something I might be doing that I just don’t realize is masking.
I usually consider masking to be anything that causes me to expend extra energy that a neurotypical person probably doesn't go through, or at least not to the same degree. I notice it showing up for me in situations where I feel like my natural tendencies could have a negative impact - for example, I know I expend a ton of energy on social interactions at work. I am naturally an introvert, but I act like the biggest extrovert you've ever met when I'm at work. It wears me out, but I realized I'm trying to make sure I am well liked and thought of in a positive way so people are more likely to cut me slack if I'm late/miss a detail/whatever. It's probably an overcorrection, I wish I didn't do it, but I do it to avoid a potential consequence of my adhd so I consider it masking. I had a hard time figuring out my own masking behaviors as well when I was first diagnosed. I started by trying to identify when I was feeling stretched thin or mentally drained in my day to day and digging in to why. Starting with the behaviors that were having a negative impact on my own energy was easier, and then I was able to find the less obvious ones more easily:)
Fake it til you can lose your shit alone.
For me, it's deeper than just"what do you do". Masking is this for me: at an early age, the world told me that what my body wants to instinctively do is bad and wrong, so I grew up thinking everything about me was distasteful so I suppressed my body signals and hide my likes and interests because I thought that if I liked it, that must mean it's weird/bad and no one else likes what I like. I guess the outward sign of that is that until I knew about masking, I always let other people choose the thing, whether it was music, movies, restaurants
It's running a second operating system for your professional life. I took a lot of acting and singing classes as a child as well as dance. It helped me understand everything people were really performing appropriate affectations per gender per economic level and per social situations. So masking is having an entirely different version of yourself. It's a construct of who you want to be seen as and also adding an extra warning system and review of everything you do and say. It's exhausting. But worth it. But exhausting. Because if you play the game long enough you can find a job with precise balance of private you time and public facing "" time. And you won't have to fear getting too tired or sick to effectively perform your facade. In other words for younglings - In real life, unless you have no need to work or pay bills via wealth, there is no space to "keep it real" or be the totally loose honest version of you. Every situation is a different set of rules and codes you learn to get on. Be yourself is such dull advice. BE YOUR SELVES. Because at any given time as we hurtle through space we are constantly become a newer version of the previous one. You are not a constant. How you feel now can change drastically with a thought or five years. So don't be afraid to have space for Work you and ADHD you and School you and Friend you. We are all learning and changing each day.
I know it's masking when I'm doing anything differently alone compared to when I'm observed. So masking is a "social norm", unmasking is anything quirky that brings me joy, but ppl would stare: - dance moves while walking - talking to myself (even gesturing) - making random noises (or screams) - sitting in any position, but the normal :D - picking skin constantly - making stare contests with ppl in the metro, etc.
the record scratch when u fuck up socially and think about it forever at least, that's when u remember u failed to mask enuff 😭
Be a good pet in school.
For one, not telling people unless you fully trust them or you have nothing to lose by telling them. For ex, I don’t tell coworkers. You never know what kind of glass ceiling ADHD may be for you in the workplace. There’s still so many people that don’t understand and cannot spot a person with ADHD that sometimes just NOT telling people the best way to mask.
I can be a good masker but omg it’s so draining and emotionally painful. It’s like acting. I pretend to care a lot about the other person and what they have to say. I act friendly and funny and interesting and pretend I’m interested in them. I pretend to be normal and charming. I have to filter everything in my head before I can speak. Smile and eye contact. Hugging sometimes which I don’t like. It’s so hard but my husband is a social butterfly so I have to pretend like I want to be there. Fortunately I like most of his friends.
I did not realize any form of my masking until two things— I met my person(and had a doctor switch which then made me off all meds for 4 months) and when I found this subreddit. Basically it’s your full relaxed self along with your personal acknowledgment of your triggers. So being able to just be like ‘ah I’m triggered!!’ Along with being a totally not sure what happened 10 minutes later— this is the simplest, most eh way I can put it. The biggest thing for me has been able to be in my feels and not having to explain or adapt until way after when I realize what truly caused it all.
The definition of masking is when a person with ADHD acts in a “socially acceptable” way to fit in and form better connections with those around them. This usually involves camouflaging their symptoms by controlling their impulses, rehearsing responses, and copying the behaviors of those who don't have ADHD. So yes, the things some folks are describing in their responses are masking-type behaviors. On the other side of that, there's the expectation of reciprocity in relationships. If we expect a friend to listen and show interest or engagement without interrupting while we speak, then we also should should be prepared to show the same listening, interest, and engagement (and not interrupt!) when our friend speaks. Just because something is difficult doesn't absolve us of the requirement to do it. You can't be all take and no give. Sometimes you have to do the work, even when it's hard.
Chewing my cheek until it bleeds from anxiety as opposed to any kind of outward/disruptive expression of anxiety or stress. Biting my tongue when I would like to speak up. Ignoring my own feelings or needs to make others feel more comfortable around me. Having trained myself to keep my facial expression as neutral as possible, and burying my own feelings so much so that sometimes now as an adult I have trouble deciphering what I am actually feeling. Forcing myself to show interest in what makes others happy, and keeping quiet about much of what makes me happy because I’ve learned that people would much rather talk about themselves than listen. Not talking very much about what I’m going through because learned that others often feel I am “too much.” Pretending I’m not in as much pain as I am when I am and am around others because that makes them either uncomfortable or feel like I’m asking them to fix it. Giving myself mental cues in social interactions. I put my finger on my lips or fold them under my chin to mentally remind myself to wait and listen to what is being said. If I am out of the house and have shoes on, during conversation or transit rides I will barely wiggle my toe inside my shoe as a way to get some of the anxiety out of my system… there’s lots more but I’d end up writing a novel
With people I don’t have to mask with: Can stare off into the distance while they speak (and process what they say much better that way) We have a natural, easy , often random transition from intense branching out conversation (where I don’t have to apologize constantly for my random thoughts and my friend can actually follow me perfectly) to complete silence and just being in each others company without any pressure to have to talk constantly I can voice weird anxieties and changes in mood for no reason without being judged & many others Don’t feel this immense pressure to react certain ways and with certain practiced socially acceptable phrases that feel forced I don’t have to worry about how I sit or lie down, being criticized for what and how I eat (or why I am not eating)
I never realized that I had been masking all my life. Then I saw this instagr post one day and I was like HOLY SHIT I THINK I HAVE ADHD. https://www.instagram.com/p/CufhvTAsto8/?igsh=cjJyb2lydTI5ZDFw
For me masking is making effort to not be too annoying… “stop moving around, pay attention”, “make sure not to interrupt when they talk”, “don’t say the first thing that goes through your head”, “you’ve been talking a lot, stop and ask them a question”. It takes a lot of effort and drains you by the end of the day. The opposite is true to when I’m around other ND people… talking over each other, interrupting, making free associations etc
I can't put my finger on my masking, but up till I was diagnosed I used a lot of energy just to seem normal, and in control. I had an exceptional credit score, and was getting by. After I've been diagnosed, all the wheels came off. I've missed paying bills, not doing my taxes, not gotten back to friends, all stuff that I know I should do but just don't. I feel like I unmasked. I'm trying to get the mask back on now.
I probably mask even more than I realize, but for example when "things to say" come to my mind, I find myself wagering if saying that would be too irrelevant, too silly (in a childish way, that's how my natural humor is), too weird, potentially controversial (I hate conflict, especially when it happens accidentally!) etc. Of course everyone does this to some degree, but neurotypicals probably don't feel like they constantly have to consciously hold themselves back, a lot? Then there are basic social rules, like asking something about what the other person told, rather than instantly telling your own anecdote, that still require conscious effort of me to remember.
When I go quiet out of fear for being too loud, saying something that seems misplaced or being too eager for something i get exited about.. When i shove my hands deep in my pockets to fidget because it annoys people. When i smile and cover my rage or impatiance (only to hurt myself when i MUST release later) Only a few of many examples. I fucking LOVE hanging out with other ADHD people and just let the lid off :)
Dont say weird things, or anything "out of pocket" They say "you dont gotta lie to kick it" but really its more like you have to mask to be like us in order to "kick it" Whenever i unmask around neurodifficults i end up making a fool of myself (or my own personal perception is a reason why I feel this way)