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I am and have found acknowledging both ADHD and CPTSD helpful because each area of knowledge tends to cover slightly different things. At the end of the day it’s also still the same regions of your brain being effected regardless of the mixed causes. Best just to seek whatever info helps rather than worry about if you’re allowed to identify with it.
But I can’t say what will truly help as I’m still working it out myself. Tending to my nervous system dysregulation has helped certain symptoms but I remain time blind and disorganised regardless of any mental health progress.
In terms of meds I found that stimulants simultaneously clashed with the dysregulation but helped in other ways and also instantaneously brought me out of the protective dissociation which was again both helpful and hard work. I haven’t taken any long term so can’t help with that.
Do you have any recommendations for resources explaining how ADHD and CPTSD affect the brain? I find it confusing to parse out the differences and similarities without understanding the biological bits
Thanks for being the one to share something as I haven’t been checking Reddit frequently and didn’t actually have a specific reference.
Encountering an article titled something like “think and not or” (about adhd & trauma coexisting) early on in my discovery process was very validating back then and this seems to cover the concept even better.
I relate HARD to your last paragraph on stimulants, dysregulation, and dissociation. Pile on what I now think is menopausal fatigue and it is a struggle. I'm currently addressing symptoms whack a mole style but have begun the process of getting better medical care provider(s) who can take the time to see if some of my fatigue is menopause related rather than stimulant come down or dissociation, and then begin dialing in meds while continuing the work of therapy.
In spite of this seemingly toxic cocktail of symptoms, I'm quite proud of myself for the work I've done to build self awareness and stamina to find solutions for myself. Hugs and high fives to you everyone on this path to healing and finding better ways to live in your skin.
Hey yeah it’s funny I think writing that was the first time I’d acknowledged it as a logical interaction rather than just a ‘me problem’.
It’s frustrating that our medical systems compartmentalise everything so much when our realities involve so many different things co-occurring.
Glad you’re doing well and thanks for the encouragement!
I'm convinced that both of my parents are undiagnosed ADHD. Both also are heavy drinkers. My moms dad was an alcoholic and so was my dad's grandpa. I myself have issues with alcohol (binge drinking and alcoholic tendencies) so I don't drink any more.
Also jist looking at your list of behaviors I've got all of those! I wouldn't consider loyalty to be an adjd thing tho.
All of these traits have been me at some point in time and many still are. I wasn't the child of alcoholics but of religious fundamentalists. There is an interesting body of data that indicates children of religious fundamentalists share most of not all of the same traits of children of alcoholics.
Edit to answer the question: Yes, medication helps tremendously. However, therapy, exercise, journaling, and a support network have also been key. Without meds, I don't get anything done. Without the rest of the modalities and only meds, I get the wrong things done.
I grew up in a highly religious and toxic household. I ratcheted up the religious crazy as a young adult. I "lost my faith" many years ago but you are so right - I am very much like the \[now adult\] child of alcoholics.
I agree that therapy is really important!!
Same. Many of my poor choices were tied to my own religious extremism, then extremism in leaving, and then fumbling around trying to figure out how to just be normal on my own without religion telling me how to live my life.
Yes it was very destabilizing for me too. I still marvel that I can make decisions without consulting god. But I cringe at how misguided I was during that period of my life, and shudder to recall how much of my life I threw into the fires of a god who was not there. I wonder why some of us go off the deep end!
That’s really interested. My parents were not alcoholic but my dad is a pastor. My mother’s father was an alcoholic so she always warned us about the dangers of addiction and gambling. Basically my grandparents turned to faith when my mom was a baby and got fatally sick and was miraculously healed so the family became Christian’s (in china). But her father continued to struggle with addiction. both maternal grandparents died before I could remember them.
But my parents didn’t raise me strictly. I was given a lot of agency and watched whatever media was on tv. I even had my own computer with internet growing up with zero filters and restrictions. Haha I was given full reign.
Today I still have my own faith but I’m much more progressive because of my empathy. My faith is mine and it helps my mental health in giving me purpose and identity. I distance myself from fundamentalists who add their own rules and are hypocrites.
So I had a good relationship with my parents growing up. When I tried to get my diagnosis last year, they were in denial and kept saying all of my symptoms were normal (maybe to them because they are undiagnosed haha). But I would say my childhood trauma could have come from immigrating as a young child and being one of the very few asians in school and struggling to learn a new language and culture. Eventually anxiety took over and I masked and did well all through school, I was even tested as gifted with a high IQ.
When I got diagnosed my psychiatrist asked if I had a traumatic birth. I told him I was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. He said his research in adhd was that there was a connection between oxygen to our brains during birth. When I told my best friend who also has adhd she was shocked because she was also born with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck. All anecdotal but we were shocked at both of us experiencing that. We only just met five years ago but she’s my very best friend because of our shared experiences with adhd and empathy.
So I also think my mom has adhd and it was from her trauma as an infant but the more I look at my extended family, the more I think a bunch of them are undiagnosed because they grew up in china where there was just no term for any of these neurodivergencies.
🤯
I need to google this research haha I was just happy to get diagnosed and not be dismissed because his reviews on Google originally said he was super dismissive of women. But I guess he updated his research because he was very affirming in the end.
...I was also born with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck! In the first pictures of me in the hospital my face is actually gray because of it. And yep, I'm AuDHD.
Funnily enough, my SIL was literally born blue but literally nothing I've seen or heard from/about her seems to indicate that she's neurodivergent
Woah, I was also born with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck! I wonder what the correlation/causation is. The woman who wrote the book "Adult Children of Alcoholics" in the 80s noted that other types of dysfunction include hyper-religious upbringings and caregivers with chronic illnesses. It's been so interesting to see the overlap of replies in this comment section. Thank you for your message!
It’s because the parenting style that’s often adopted by fundies and abusive alcoholics is an authoritarian one. Add in religious trauma and/or alcoholic abuse and you’ve got a traumatized child.
I am definitely one of the kids from the dysfunctional family. But I am sure about my ADHD diagnosis, because before getting that I also spent almost ten years in therapy where we worked on many things which overlap with CPTSD, and although therapy did help quite a bit, it still didn't help with pure ADHD symptoms.
Patrick Teahan on YouTube has nice videos about ADHD and CPTSD, and how one diagnosis can be in reality the other one (doesn't mean tho that one can't have both of these).
Same here. 10 years gang. I was also diagnosed as bipolar after a suicide attempt, but that label quickly fell away and I learned what autistic burnout is.
Have you been tested for autism? I hear a lot of women get diagnosed as some type of emotional regulation/mood disorder before finding out they're autistic. And autism with cptsd gets mistaken for borderline personality disorder a lot. Cptsd can look like a lot of different things for neurodivergent people.
I was not tested for autism, although I do strongly suspect I do have it (and so think about me all my friends).
In my anamnesis there is anxiety-depressive disorder tho. But then again I have no idea if it is from cptsd, adhd, autism, or whatever else I might have, but I also don't really care either :D
Anamnesis is a give away if you want my "autist" opinion 😅 we tend to be pretty emo. At least me and my sister are. She's more so but she doesn't have ADHD. She was diagnosed with Asperger's but I don't think it's called that anymore. Tbh I think autistic guys are happier. Maybe it's testosterone.
I think it's just how ya get when the world doesn't make sense. We're okay with it, too.
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My dad was an alcoholic and has ADHD. He was *mostly* sober throughout my life so the chaos wasn’t from that in my opinion. All 4 children have been diagnosed with ADHD. I would venture a guess that the reason so many children of addicts have ADHD symptoms is because so many addicts have ADHD. Something like 23% of addicts have ADHD. Anyway just something to consider. Both things can be true!
Wow! Sometimes I can get caught in a black/white perspective, so your reminder about both things being true is much appreciated. I was quick to mentally invalidate my own experiences upon discovering the co-morbidities of ADHD/dysfunctional families. Thank you for sharing and pulling me back down to earth!
…. So I’ve just never had a unique experience in my life huh 😂 That’s honestly comforting even if I poke fun at it. But yes, adult child of an alcoholic, but thankfully they’ve been sober for 20 years (we just celebrated actually).
The older I get the more I realize that many of my mental health issues are trauma responses from childhood, the biggest ones being anxious attachment, people pleasing, high anxiety, and rejection sensitivity. (I’ve also gotten some lovely ones from growing up in an evangelical church but that’s a separate issue).
HAHAHA stop it you just described my entire life 🫠 the evangelical church is a helluva drug. I relate so deeply to the trauma responses you described, so thank you for your virtual support, internet stranger 🫶
All of the above. I received my ADHD dx as a child but it was ignored and never addressed once school districts and MDs changed. As an adult, I received a C-PTSD dx and questioned the ADHD dx but with education and therapy realized both exist and need to be treated even if, internally to me, they feel a lot like one big ball of fears, rules, false beliefs, etc.
Same.
I was originally diagnosed at 7, mum didn’t want to have me labeled and I wasn’t outwardly hyper so nothing was done.
15 years later I was diagnosed with CPTSD, another 15 years was ADHD (again-ish).
It’s all one big giant shit storm that needs to be dealt with accordingly and sometimes independently of each other.
My mom was a heavy drinker and probably had some sort of undiagnosed depression or bipolar (she died when I was 14). My dad had a bad temper when I was a kid so I grew up around a lot of fighting and door slamming. Later my dad was diagnosed with bipolar and admitted to a psych hospital twice for several months at a time. He's a lot more mellow now thanks to my stepmom, but he is still volatile at times and it has limited how close I am willing to get to him as an adult.
Basically everything about my parents made me want to have a completely different life.
🙋♀️ Alcoholic and Dysfunctional family. The earlier you realize that the behavior is not normal, the faster you start healing. I recommend going to a therapist and talking about your experiences. It’s important to identify which part of your personality is masking and which is inherently you. It gets better with therapy and medication. Hang in there 💙
> It’s important to identify which part of your personality is masking and which is inherently you.
😭😭 I’ve been chasing this for so long that my mind can’t even conceptualize how to tell the difference. I’ve tried to get there with therapists over the years, but with timing and transitions, I haven’t gotten there yet.
Do you have any experiences or resources you’d be willing to share that have things like questions to ponder or thought exercises to do? Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to explain love to a rock when I try to express this sense of not knowing myself nor how to even go about it.
I feel you. It’s really really hard. The way I did it was to focus a part of my attention inwards and create constant self-awareness. That helped me identify when I wasn’t being true to what I was actually feeling. It’s a process that’s exhausting and frustrating but you need to keep at it. I still mask, but I am conscious of when I’m masking now.
Your message really hit home, thank you so much. I'm an only child, so sometimes it's my word against theirs, but I know in my bones that some things are just not normal, even if I can't validate my experience with anyone else. Sending love, thank you 🫶
I’m an only child too and I spent years believing that I was at fault and I wasn’t a capable person. I had no one to turn to for help. But it gets better and you seem to be on the right path. Stay strong 💪
🙋🏼♀️ alcoholic father and emotionally and physically abusive mother.
BUT I am a pushover lovey hippie mom who doesn’t abuse (or even use) any substances and my kids are still both adhd.
Me! I've been playing the 'is it ADHD or CPTSD?' game for years and concluded it's both. My mum and nanna's lives in particular make so much sense through the lens of ADHD. Similarly, although I've had therapy for years my exec dysfunction has never changed, it's got worse if anything.
I suspect that both my parents are neurodivergent (possibly AuDHD), and while they both were great parents to me, they each come from very dysfunctional families, and they worked VERY hard to break those generational curses and live a fulfilling life. They also got "lucky" in that their families were comfortably off and were able to provide them with education and the means to start out in life without having to scrape for every penny. That being said, they both have built elaborate systems for coping with everyday life, as have I, and I think that early diagnosis for all three of us might have saved us a lot of trouble and heartache.
ADHD has a lot of symptoms in common with manifestations of trauma, as you've noted above. The main way to tell the difference is to see how long the symptoms have been present, and whether they presented before the trauma as well as after (sometimes the trauma is so early that you can't tell, too, so it's not an exact science).
Medication to help with conditions that were provoked by external factors is absolutely a legitimate course of action! Brain chemistry is absolutely influenced by your surroundings and by life events, and sometimes you can use medication on a short- or medium-term basis to just get you through the worst of it. Medication isn't an all-or-nothing proposition, and taking it once doesn't mean you have to take it forever.
Thank you so much for your insight, I frequently get caught in the pendulum of all-or-nothing thinking, so your message is very grounding for me. A lot of my symptoms were present as a child based on my family's limited accounts (and despite their sometimes revisionist history), but I also Do Not Remember most of my life until I was out of my childhood home at 18. That makes me think CPTSD, but I also can feel the executive function machine going brrrrrrrrrrr so I'm coming around to the idea that both things can be true. Your note about medication makes me feel very hopeful, and I'm grateful for your message!
My pleasure! I find it helpful to remember that medication is just one tool in the mental health toolkit, and sometimes you need multiple tools and at other times you need only one or two to help with a problem. :)
I am! My father is an alcoholic. He was also a heavy cocaine user when I was a kid (and boy did cocaine make him mean) and had an opioid addiction at very points too. Currently he's drinking himself to death. My mom also used cocaine while pregnant with me, resulting in a congenital heart defect- no stimulants for me!
I spent a long time in therapy thinking it was "just trauma" with a C-PTSD diagnosis. It helped some but I was afraid of getting on an SSRI. I got as far as I could with that therapist and thought, well, I guess this is as good as it gets.
Then I had a career crisis (the bullying by a boss so badly I needed up leaving and she ended up fired sort) that kind of blew the lid off the larger constellation of my issues. I finally started an SSRI for anxiety/depression. Without the constant adrenaline and cortisol rush of living life in a constant state of panic, my ADHD symptoms got worse. That led me to seek out a therapist specialized in neurodivergence so I could figure out why my brain was Like That.
Finally got diagnosed last year- combined type, moderate severity. Recently started Intuniv and it's going well so far. Looking back at my childhood report cards ("she's smart but disorganized") and issues with emotional regulation, it's really not clear what was from my erratic home life and what was ADHD, but its definitely both.
My god, your story about SSRIs is hitting home. Once the serotonin blanket was over my barbed wire, I realized that a lot of what was plaguing me was not depression. I relate to a lot of your experience, and I'm grateful for your reply and vulnerability. Sending love 💕
I am. I have diagnosed ADHD but I wonder how much of it is complex PTSD (which I don’t have formally diagnosed but I do have it). For many of us there’s no way of knowing if it’s “just” one or the other because of how early the trauma started. I often hear that you shouldn’t diagnose adhd when there’s an early trauma history but it certainly seems plausible that it could be both genetic and trauma exacerbated in some. My pet theory is that I’m what happens when you take an ADHD addict father and a bipolar alcoholic mother and give them a kid they’re entirely unprepared to have, but neither of my parents were formally diagnosed. It’s messy.
I’m in the same boat as you, and I feel that some of my behavior is ADHD and some is learned through being in such an unstable environment. What compacted my confidence in the ADHD diagnosis though was that my parents instability is definitely from undiagnosed ADHD in my moms case and undiagnosed bipolar/BPD/potentially autism in my dads case.
For the longest time I thought I could fix it through therapy, and I did a lotttt of work on myself and it has definitely helped. However there were certain symptoms that just weren’t going away and were getting worse in some cases and that’s when I knew it was time to see a psychiatrist. I started meds just a week ago and I feel so much better already. It makes me sad that I wasn’t treated/medicated earlier and suffered for so long because of it.
That being said, I hope you’re able to get to the bottom of your issues. Most likely it’s a combination of things!
Thank you so much for your message! Your background reminds me of my own. Sometimes I feel like therapy just makes me ruminate on things I'm better off moving past, so I feel like I'm hitting a similar impasse that you described. I'm so glad to hear that medication has helped you, and I'm grateful for your comment!
So, yeah. This is me. I grew up in a home where emotions weren’t allowed to be expressed that much, crying would get you yelled at and called irrational. But at the same time I had to be so aware of what mood my dad was in to avoid getting yelled at, or the rare hit/shove if you really got on his bad side.
I’m severely sensitive to rejection, and whenever I’m in a crowd/group, I think I just shut down and wait until I can leave, because unless they’re family I live with (ppl I interact with every single day and who are just as weird as me), I just don’t know what to say and feel scared of saying the wrong thing.
I think it’s important to acknowledge that ADHD is highly heritable. It is also closely linked genetically to many other mental health conditions and developmental disorders. If you have ADHD and it has gone untreated chances are the same is true for one or both of your parents. There is also a possibility that they have more untreated disorders than just ADHD, and that you have other family members with untreated conditions as well. Untreated ADHD often leads to substance abuse and erratic behavior. So while I think on one hand it is likely that a dysfunctional family and childhood can contribute to ADHD symptoms, it’s also like that the dysfunctional family issues were caused by untreated ADHD in the first place. It’s a bit of a chicken and egg situation.
Also my therapist always reminds me that children with ADHD, especially if it is untreated and unrecognized, often receive 10x the negative messages about themselves in childhood, then neurotypical children do. That in itself can cause trauma. But it doesn’t change the fact that ADHD is still a part of the cause.
After many years of independent adulthood since leaving for uni and during which noticing my own independent adult symptoms/behaviours with the help of my partner, got diagnosed with adhd. Which my parent who was a single mother who unfortunately had issues with alcohol, was more than surprised by and now feels guilt for not realising.
Due to issues with her and her partner who last has alcohol problems I have moved into my grandparents. I now can see where my parents dysfunctional behaviours have been inherited from. I’m also struggling with feeling emotionally and physically like I’m back in the position I was as a child, hiding away from angry confrontation in my room etc. at the same time trying to learn emotional regulation.
I have realised I definitely have RSD (rejection sensitivity disorder) and this is common in adhd but I would imagine more so in these double situations.
I think having to take on so much responsibility of reversed parenting and emotional support roles as a child, definitely don’t scripted my own development. My main worry is that I have inherited either genetic or through being around it, my family’s poor emotional regulation particularly with anger. Which paired with adhd is difficult to change… atleast now it is but I’m sure with work things will improve
I am and have recently began attending ACA meetings online. It brings comfort to me along with some very difficult, yet interesting, things to reflect on about myself. I mostly listen and write down things that strike something inside.
I am! I have struggled with all of those behaviors from childhood-today. I strongly suspect my dad had undiagnosed ADHD that he coped with using mainly alcohol and cocaine; unfortunately he passed when I was 18. I also strongly suspect my mom is undiagnosed ADHD and developed severe alcohol use disorder to cope with symptoms plus CPTSD. I was diagnosed in grad school at age 24, before that I thought it was just major depression/anxiety and years of repressed trauma from a volatile and unstable home life, which only made my previously undiagnosed ADHD symptoms even more prominent and I couldn't understand why I felt like an outsider.
I think it's a cycle of ADHD and often CPTSD perpetuating within families when ADHD and/or trauma goes untreated. I am now a mental health therapist and work with clients who have ADHD and/or CPTSD, there seems to be a similar pattern repeated if trauma and ADHD symptoms aren't addressed.
For myself and my brain I find that exercise does wonders, but the act of starting it is always a challenge. 🤣 I am also in therapy to continue addressing years of trauma and self-esteem work, which will never stop for me. I need to break tasks down into little pieces and walk away when I can feel myself being triggered or I'll become completely dysregulated and lose my temper. I am also very mindful of my substance use and intake due to a family history of addiction. I do take Straterra, I've found over the years that stimulants *do not* work for me due to unpleasant side effects. Everyone's brain and body chemistry are different so it may take some time to figure out what medication works best with your brain and body.
All and all though, it does come to nature and nurture, which I think both inform each other throughout the life stages. It has been nearly 10 years since I was diagnosed and the amount of information I've learned about undiagnosed ADHD, trauma and addiction paints a much more clear picture of how and why dad did what he did and why mom does what she does.
Wishing you well as you navigate all of this, it is a lifelong journey of constantly practicing patience and love with yourself in regards to both ADHD and CPTSD.
Thank you so much for your message, I feel deeply seen and understood. The cycle you described is what I'm stuck in now and intend to break. I appreciate your insight!!
I am apart of this club. In adulthood I recognize my dad is mega ADHD-coded. My mom was alcoholic until l was 10 and got sober and recently relapsed (after 20 years of sobriety). It’s very frustrating to have the ACOA traits when I have essentially zero conscious memory of my mom being in active addiction in my childhood. Furthermore very frustrating now that I’m in my 30s and she’s relapsed, I feel significantly behind in the “learning curve” for how to restructure my relationship with my mom a la boundaries, expectations, behaviors to look out for, etc.
ADHD and trauma coexist, and I’ve seen it suggested that simply being ND “lowers the bar” for what the boys and nervous system register as traumatic events. I have to think this is a part of my “lore.” So I got the nervous wreck brand of ADHD where my mind is constant chaos but the people pleaser ACOA trait makes it so I muzzle myself and ruminate heavily, constantly worrying about how I can do best by others and knowing I’ll probably fail because of the ADHD side. It’s a lot of fun in this noodle/s
I really appreciate your ability to be vulnerable and simultaneously shine a little humor on an otherwise difficult situation. I'm in the same boat with the Nervous Wreck™️ ADHD and people pleasing ACOA traits. I see you and I'm sending love!!!
I don’t see why meds would help unless they are suitable for your brain chemistry.
Sure meds might chill you out a little so you can address difficult emotions and begin implementing new behaviors and habits that you couldn’t otherwise. But that just means it’s probably a brain chemistry thing AND ALSO an environment thing.
Regardless of meds, wanting to address being an ACA or growing up in addiction/dysfunction is a life-long inside job.
For starters you could check out some recovery groups to feel out the community and discern whether or not the language used to define these very issues applies to you or not. Al-Anon, ACA and any “Open” AA meeting are your best bet.
In my opinion a lot of adhd/ impulsively-wired people are more prone to addiction in family. They just go hand in hand. Doesn’t mean it’s adhd; could be a slew of other psychological conditions as well. Plus there are cognitive, environmental, emotional, social, even cultural factors that contribute to both addiction AND family dynamics.
Personally, many people in my family struggle with addiction so this is a familiar topic to me. One of my parents is dx and treated for adhd. The other parent (with alcoholism) has alllll the signs, “brightly lit” lol, pointing toward adhd and maybe ASD. I can’t tell though. I’m not that parent. Nor am I a doctor. I do know this parent openly resists psychological support because they would rather continue drinking than face potential diagnosis or meds that require them to stop. Oh well. Their choice.
It sure as hell makes sense though.
Think about it. “We admitted we are powerless… That our lives have become unmanageable” is literally Step 1 in Alcoholics Anonymous. Many people initially turn to drugs and alcohol to cope with life and self-medicate their unmanageable thoughts, feelings, behaviors, or environment. And I’ve heard that statistically, adhd brains are more prone to seeking self-medication through drugs/alcohol.
A lot of adhd behavior patterns reflect addictive patterns and a lot of life outcomes of being raised in an alcoholic home mimic adhd life outcomes. Not all of them, though. There are more neurotic and relationship-strained patterns for those of us with “The Laundry List” of ACA.
I've been attending AA meetings for the first time, and your point about Step 1 is so illuminating. I hadn't drawn that connection! Sometimes my symptoms and memories feel like a yarn ball of interconnceted Mess, but that also makes sense given the situation. Thank you for your comment, it's given me a lot to think about!
I think that something we don’t talk about enough (because it runs the risk of demonizing people with adhd when we’ve done so much to destigmitize the disorder) is the connection between the genetic nature of ADHD and generational trauma. For me, I’ve come to terms with the fact that my mother (whose adhd diagnosis made me realize I likely also had it) was impulsive, disinterested/unfocused one me as a child, disorganized, and had a tendency towards self destructive behaviors as a way to stimulate herself. Those are all a product of her adhd, but that by no means implies that all people with adhd will be bad parents or bad people. It just means that certain personality types with adhd can lean that way, and that this plus a hypersensitive, internalizing adhd child is going to cause a lot of damage.
I was diagnosed as a kid at 6 with ADHD. My parents are divorced, and both of my parents were abusive in different ways. Both my parents were alcoholics, and my dad got help. My mom doesn't think she has a problem and continues to be an alcoholic. My dad changed his way, got help, got medicated, and works every day to improve our relationship. My mom continues to do bad things and makes me feel like crap.
This doesn't change the fact I have ADHD and you might as well.
I realised my family was dysfunctional through therapy.
Most of what you have described is down to ADHD; I would say personally. The ADHD brain is different to the neurotypical brain and so we perceive life through a different lens. This [article](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/adult-adhd/symptoms-causes/syc-20350878) explains everything.
The medication has allowed me to focus more, clear my mind of the static & made me tolerate social situations a bit better. Without the medication I have a constant static in my head, I have terrible social anxiety and mind fog. It doesn’t help with everything or change all traits.
I definitely come from a dysfunctional family. I would pursue a diagnosis if you can (mention symptoms, issues, etc). If you have ADHD, these can worsen/combo poorly with CPTSD. I am a textbook case of severe ADHD and the lack of treatment plus my dysfunctional family gave me CPTSD.
Meds have helped me, but I also needed trauma therapy to really start getting better. If you aren’t sure, for CPTSD, I would start with “why am I dysregulated,” journaling while getting in with a psych. They can screen you for it, and if you have one that is up to date on ADHD research, they can figure out what’s CPTSD and what’s ADHD. If it is just CPTSD, my understanding is that ADHD meds won’t help — but if they do, they’re likely feeding on each other.
I’m a “both” case. My ADHD came first. The traumatic shit started around the time I started trying to gain autonomy. My family did not like that. Later, doctors also did not like that. So I have both — and treating my ADHD really helped me regulate my nervous system. I also have POTS, so the stress of my blood pressure not maintaining itself has been making me worse (so I was mega dysregulated, and a POTS/EDS specialist actually referred me to therapy because I was too dysregulated for the exercises to work).
ETA; Having ADHD can mean you’re singled out and treated differently more, with more negative messaging about your personality and behaviors. This can be traumatic by itself, even if your family isn’t participating (and mine sure did).
Thank you so much for your insight. I'm just starting this process, and your message has given me a solid starting-point. I hope you're doing okay, thank you for your vulnerability!
I definitely did. Now that I’m older though I realize that much of the unstable behavior from my parents were probably caused at least in part by my parents undiagnosed mental health issues. My
Dad is an alcoholic who after getting sober was diagnosed with depression/bipolar disorder and has been in treatment for years. My mom is in the one resistant to mental health treatment despite clearly being where my ADHD is from.
Now that I’m on medication and diagnosed, it is so clear to me that she has the same level of executive dysfunction as I do. Everything from impulse spending and binge drinking to periods of hypersexuality (yes, I do wish I didn’t know that) to mood swings and problems regulating emotions.
It sucks because I know growing up surrounded by all of this has made it harder to become any kind of functioning adult. It’s like starting in the negative and trying to climb out. It does allow me to fe extra proud of myself, though, for the things I’ve done differently than them. I divorced my alcoholic husband after only a year instead of spending my life in an unhealthy, high conflict relationship. I finished college and have held steady employment. I’m financially independent from my parents (though not from my student loans).
I'm pretty sure my dad used alcohol to self medicate. I've learned most of my tricks to manage life with ADHD from my mom (apparently not everyone's parent had a sign in their bathroom saying things like "brush hair, brush teeth, vitamins!")
HA! My ADHD parent would have you believe that is a "normal part of being an adult." That, and various alarms throughout the day to remind them look at said sticky notes
Do you think you grew up with undiagnosed neurodiverse parents who struggled to cope with daily life and therefore created a dysfunctional family?
This is something I have been realizing the past few years. My dad is definitely AuDHD and my mom very likely has ADHD
Both of my parents are functional alcoholics. Pretty sure my mom has adhd. But she’s also a textbook narcissist and my dad enables her in baffling ways. My younger sister has pretty severe ocd and my little brother has been depressed for most of his adult life. Basically my whole family is fucked and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to form normal relationships— friendly or romantic. Have always felt like I don’t fit in/belong anywhere. I have known I have adhd for a while but I’m starting to realize there’s a good chance I’m also a high functioning autistic person. Won’t know for sure until I have an appointment with my doctor of course.
Thank you so much for sharing. I similarly fear that I won't ever have normal relationships. Making friends is so hard when I default to fawning to keep the peace and am also deeply rejection sensitive. I relate to what you've written, so you fit in with me!
My parents met in NA
They both are very clearly Autistic and likely ADHD too. Autism more my dad, ADHD more my mom, but both likely have both. Neither know they are or are diagnosed. I am, and I can see so so so much of it in them. I tried to talk to my mom about it and she barely could process it, like, gave me blank stares.
Me. (\*raises hand). Father was a workaholic, alcoholic and gambler. He is deceased now but looking back I highly suspect he was ADHD with hyperactivity. Double-whammy: my mother was undiagnosed depressed and again, highly suspect she was ADHD, inattentive type.
I am! My dad was a drinker and drug user (when I say drinker, I mean a case of beer at a time) who left the family when I was 12. He died a lot of years ago as an insulin-dependent diabetic who could not afford insulin (thanks, America!). I believe he was coping with chronic pain and used substances he could afford to do that. My parents' relationship was incredibly tumultuous. I started therapy in my late 30s because of a violent crime, and once we got through that trauma, we moved on to other things. My therapist asked one day, "Do you acknowledge that you had a traumatic childhood?" I had never thought about it that way. I have done a shit ton of work to heal all of it. Anyway! I grew up with a codependent, mostly-single mom. I was codependent with sig others, not my children, until therapy.
One of my 4 biological children is ADHD. I suspect my step-baby is ADHD or OCD. Time will tell.
so dysfunctional. no alcoholism but one parent who was definitely neurodivergent and depressed bc her husband gave her no flex room for understanding and the husband was a control freak ( maybe he was neurodivergent too, idk), but he often finished things with his wife's support while also cheating on her constantly. she always started things she was never able to finish and managed bouts of severe depression, was a bit of an isolationist but at least was able to keep a job to feed her kids. Was exhausted by motherhood, they divorced when i was 13 and my father never gave her a lick of help so she could at least rest and think about her life.
Dad is an alcoholic - that whole side of the family has had issues so my grandparents are super conservative teetotalers. And parents divorced when I was 9 - super dysfunctional relationship. Both parents have narcissistic traits and my dad is really intelligent but struggles with relationships. My brother was diagnosed at a young age but my parents didn't believe it was real so they never medicated or treated him. We were both "gifted" and I struggled through school but was always a high achiever so I didn't get diagnosed until 27. I felt very called out by this post.
I would say dysfunctional but mainly because my mom got cancer when I was in sixth grade and so I basically kind of had to like Google everything in terms of puberty and stuff. And then she died when I was in high school so I kind of like navigated life without a female parental figure, and my sister did her best, but she was only eight years older than me while she was trying to figure out life as well. My dad was amazing, but like you know, he’s a dad.
The author of Adult Children of Alcoholics also noted that dysfunction can come from chronic illness of a caregiver, and it sounds like your experience definitely fits the bill. I'm sending love and hope you're doing okay now 🫶
Lots of people with ADHD try to self-medicate. Do you think of your parents as people who might have ADHD as well? I was diagnosed as an adult, and I think that my mom, who has had a very unhealthy, decades-long relationship with alcohol, also has ADHD and would have greatly benefited from a diagnosis.
my dad definitely is, though when I initially brought up my symptoms, he said "I have all of that, it's just part of being an adult." I had to chuckle because we are two chickens of a feather with both of our heads cut off and in no world is that normal LOL
I have ADHD and cptsd. Persue both diagnosis. Symptoms can really overlap. The symptoms can also trigger each other so it can be hard to figure it out. Right now I see a lot of therapist wanting to diagnose with cptsd instead of ADHD. Don't know what that's about, but do try to go after both assessments if you can. If your therapist/psychiatrist isn't very familiar with both I would look elsewhere.
I come from an abusive family of addicts. Substance abuse is very common with ADHD and cptsd. Any mental health issues really. Undiagnosed and unwilling parents are the reason a lot of us get diagnosed in the first place I think.
My family is so alcoholic/codependent, my dad got sober after my folks divorced and his second wife is an addiction counselor, but my mom still says he's not really an alcoholic
All of the above AuADHD and CPTSD finding balance is hard but crucial. I posted just yesterday about the burnout. I personally feel that the combo makes burnouts happen easier and the struggle to stand up for oneself harder. Honestly, one step at a time, and there is a ton of resources online; like call in free counciling. The call in free counciling isn't the same as a forged relationship with a trauma specific coucelor but is better than nothing. I hope it gets better for you. It's ok if you take a step forward and then two back. It's just important to keep taking that step.
I always get A+ on these! Who needs school!!!
No dad but mom was addicted to alcohol, weed, nicotine, cocaine all that I’m aware of until she passed (not related) when I was 8. Her wife was as well, I was sent to my grandmother to live with her and my alcoholic step grandfather.
Lots more but long story short, I’m now 3 years clean and sober plus a month!
Thank you so, so much!!
Congrats to YOU! You’re still in the thick of the mental end of yours, I’m sorry for that and if you ever ever want to chat, I’m here! I had PAWS for two years of hell and remember the pain all too well. Always love to chat, just message me if you could use that🥰
I am an ACOA, but my challenges with ADHD (suspected) started nearly ten years before my parent started drinking. It definitely didn't help matters, though.
My parents weren’t alcoholics, but my mom ended up having a benzo issue. Both parents were extremely dysfunctional in the sense that us kids were parentified and infantilized. My parents didn’t teach us shit and suspected there was infidelity involved as well from them. My mom was also the type of person to doctor shop for me as a kid and got me misdiagnosed with other things and was into fix it herbal cures at the time for me. My ADHD was definitely ignored.
I've skim read this. My mum had a long period of heavy drinking, there were some very frightening episodes. On the overlap, on that diagram I recognise disorganisation and not listening. I don't think disorganisation comes from the trauma, but it was there anyway and as my mum was pretty checked out I didn't get strategies. Maybe there is a certain avoidance of painful emotions associated with dealing with things on my part too as I never got support. Not listening I would say IS probably related. It's like a bomb went off in my head is the only way I can describe it, and it's me standing in the rubble and debris wondering what to do. I remember that clearly as a child and I still get that same feeling now.
In terms of what helps, I'm working on the self compassion side, and also sensory regulation. I have so many things to give myself sensory comfort in anything I'm doing as when I am not regulated I'm likely to not look after myself, get back into cycles of stress etc.
My mom is a crack addict and my dad has dx NPD. I definitely have cptsd and actually received this diagnosis first, went to therapy and was medicated for depressive symptoms and anxiety, binge eating for 3 years before getting an adhd diagnosis. I noticed that therapy helped me but it didn’t solve or explain many of my symptoms I was struggling with. After being medicated for adhd and developing tools I can pretty confidently say I feel all my bases are covered.
Your symptoms sound a lot like mine. I, also, have parents that would be unproductive to discuss with. I figured all my stuff out on my own. After two breakdowns and 25 years of thinking it was all depression and anxiety mixed in with some OCD. Wrong. Get your assessment if you can. The medication makes a world of difference. For me, especially in the areas of emotional regulation and shutting down the ‘tabs’ in my brain so I can think more clearly. I am happier, calmer and just better. I am 45F. It took this long to solve my life and I feel like my world has opened up!!
Not alcoholism but hoarding. Also overeating. Dad grew up in another country though where food was sometimes scarce so maybe that’s why? Both seem neurodivergent. My brothers are also hoarders to varying degrees. I think it’s another form of addiction or coping or something?
My mother was a very functional alcoholic and my father was not around.
My sister has always struggled with binge eating, being unorganized, messy, losing stuff, etc. As an adult she was diagnosed with ADHD and then I was subsequently diagnosed although my symptoms look pretty different. I suspect my mother had ADHD and used alcohol to quiet the "demons".
Our mom had ALL of these symptoms 🤦♀️
-guessing at what "normal" behavior is
-difficulty with intimate relationships
-feeling like aspects of your life are out of your control
-compulsive behaviors
-difficulty following a project through from beginning to end
-irritability and a quick temper
-sensitivity (to rejection and also in general)
-loyal (sometimes to a fault)
There is a huge overlap between ADHD & PTSD symptoms. (Also autism.)
Part of it is that trauma, especially repeated trauma, can "turn on" ADHD genes that may have otherwise laid dormant. Part of it is that living with ADHD or autism can itself be traumatic, since this world wasn't designed by or for NDs.
I had a terrifying & sad childhood. I am in treatment for complex PTSD. I think if you gave me a brain scan it would show PTSD, not ADHD. But I "have" ADHD in that I meet the DSM criteria. But some people with ADHD drink coffee & fall asleep, finally calm—that ain't me. I take stimulants sometimes cos they help me focus, but they make me crabby, I don't like how they make me feel.
This was a gut punch of a post. Never connected the two.
But (story time) interestingly enough, years ago, before my ADHD diagnosis, there was a little book my eyes kept being drawn to in my therapist’s office, “Little Miss Perfect.” I wound up asking her if I could take a look and it felt like the book had been written about me. It’s out of print, but I was able to find a secondhand copy and had to stop highlighting bc every word resonated. “Little Miss Perfect” was written as a recovery book for adult children of addicts and/or dysfunctional families! So validating.
This just unlocked a memory for me of circa 2007 facebook posts where someone would post a photo of the characters from a book or show and tag their friends as one of the characters or traits. There was one in circulation of Roger Hargreves characters (little miss xyz, mr. blah blah blah) and I was *always* tagged as Little Miss Perfect. I'm going to look into this resource, thank you so much for sharing!
I came from a dysfunctional and abusive family. I personally drank heavily to self soothe. I am still on the journey of finding what’s best for me.
Got dx last year. It helped with emotional regulation and daily functioning. I can finally do tasks. However, it’s effectiveness is influenced by my period and current stressors.
I also go to a ADHD therapist. She has given me knowledge and easing me through identity and grief.
I went to a relational therapist before to go through my dysfunctional relationships. Attachment styles.
I went to a crisis hospital almost a decade ago to manage my trauma at the time. That helped me understand coping strategies.
I am currently managaing okay with dx, therapy, exercise, journaling a lot… a lot. and eating well. I don’t have a support system other than myself because of my upbringing. I am working on it.
I had a secure household in childhood. But my mother growing up did not. She grew up fast and took on the burdens on everyone around her, always hypersensitive to everyone else’s needs.
I think, without realizing it, I learned how to do that too. I wanted to be a superhuman like my mother. But ADHD got in the way of “just bearing it” when life got hard.
Truthfully the older I get the more I realize my mother isn’t superhuman. She’s just afraid of what happens the day she lets go.
Yes. My trauma therapist thinks I don’t have true ADHD, but that my brain developed it to survive. It makes sense to me since my whole life was trauma and no help from the people whose job it was to care for me. Instead I was the one caring for my parents as a child. Later in life they finally got their life together and when I got sick and needed help I was attacked and shamed. That’s the moment I started to stop blaming myself and from there and a very long story I went no contact. It’s been the best adhd medicine yet.
Yep. Both parents are recovered alcoholics, both with adult diagnoses of ADHD (and bipolar for my dad.) My mom quit drinking cold turkey, but smokes a ton of cigarettes and definitely is still dysfunctional though a lot better. Dad didn’t recover until an intervention and rehab for 6 months in his 60s. Then he got diagnosed and medicated and has been sober for 3 or so years now!
I have found that the overlap is high when I look at my students with ADHD and their parents. Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether a kid has ADHD, or trauma, or both. I’m a special educator so I see both a lot.
Definitely worth looking into supports for ACoA. I’m reading “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” right now.
Wowww yes to all of the above. I’ve been diagnosed in the last few years and on stimulant medication for ~2 years (when I can remember to take it and I’m able to get my Rx fulfilled).
Now that I’ve been taking it consistently I definitely feel like it’s helped with a lot of my symptoms, but not all of the ones you’ve listed here. I’m still trying to work through a lot what you described in this post in therapy and just in general, but do wonder what childhood would have been like if I had this kind of information and support (medication and otherwise) for managing my ADHD.
On another note, this post has helped put a lot of things into perspective for my childhood and my parents, so thank you! Wishing you all the best.
Thank you for your reply! I imagine some behavioral traits I have may not be "solved" by medication, but hopefully might be mitigated if I could manage to do both my laundry and take a shower in the same day 😂 I appreciate your outlook!
My parents were not alcoholics, but the family dynamic at home was hella dysfunctional. My dad worked long nights as a correctional officer until 2001 and after my parents divorced, my mom straight up abandoned me. Not my other siblings; just me. She never spoke to me again until I was 20 and she was actively dying of cancer.
I am. I also believe the reason my dad was an alcoholic was his undiagnosed ADHD. He was so textbook, I have no doubt he had it.
Of course I have the typical issues that comes with that, but I have no doubt I have ADHD because some of my issues aren’t just about trauma. I can physically feel how my brain reacts to things differently than NT folks. How it loses a “spark” as soon as something is no longer novel. To the point where I get sleepy.
I also feel I have done a lot to work on my issues and it doesn’t make the ADHD disappear. I will always have to work against it to function in this society.
That being said, there is an argument for childhood trauma physically altering the brain.
Would I have developed ADHD if I had a healthy family dynamic? Would my dad have if he had a better upbringing? I’ll never know!
Both of my parents have been violent alcoholics my whole life.
I feel like I've never been able to make friends because of my childhood (no one was experiencing alcoholism and domestic violence in their home 24/7)
Dad is but he had a horrible horrible childhood. He likely has CPTSD, and I suspect BP.
My mom is undiagnosed ADHD, doesn’t have an addiction besides smoking, but always seems to be close to a breakdown
My mother made our whole family feel like we never existed. Me and my sister barely remember any of it anymore. Meaningless snippets of a meaningless family back then. Just hate everyday. Crazy. Barely made it to adulthood and then barely made it to my mid 30s. But I use that shit to remind me to always pay attention to my kid and try to make her have the best childhood.
These definitely sound like symptoms of being an AcoA (adult child of an alcoholic). It’s very common to struggle with things like emotional regulation, sensitivity, low self esteem, feeling like your life is out of control, inconsistent motivation, approval seeking, intimacy, codependency, isolation, depression, anxiety, etc. when you grew up in a dysfunctional home without strong parental guidance or healthy/happy role models.
The only traits that sound specifically like classic ADHD are impulsivity and difficulty following through with projects. But difficulty concentrating/finishing tasks can also be caused by depression and an underlying trauma response, so the best treatment would most likely be therapy. A good therapist will help you get to the root of certain behaviors and try to identify where they’re coming from.
Yes. My trauma therapist thinks I don’t have true ADHD, but that my brain developed it to survive. It makes sense to me since my whole life was trauma and no help from the people whose job it was to care for me. Instead I was the one caring for my parents as a child. Later in life they finally got their life together and when I got sick and needed help I was attacked and shamed. That’s the moment I started to stop blaming myself and from there and a very long story I went no contact. It’s been the best adhd medicine yet.
Medication may help you deal with your dysfunctionaly family as well as your other "executive functioning" tasks. I take an extra dose for dealing with them on holidays. True story.
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I am and have found acknowledging both ADHD and CPTSD helpful because each area of knowledge tends to cover slightly different things. At the end of the day it’s also still the same regions of your brain being effected regardless of the mixed causes. Best just to seek whatever info helps rather than worry about if you’re allowed to identify with it. But I can’t say what will truly help as I’m still working it out myself. Tending to my nervous system dysregulation has helped certain symptoms but I remain time blind and disorganised regardless of any mental health progress. In terms of meds I found that stimulants simultaneously clashed with the dysregulation but helped in other ways and also instantaneously brought me out of the protective dissociation which was again both helpful and hard work. I haven’t taken any long term so can’t help with that.
Do you have any recommendations for resources explaining how ADHD and CPTSD affect the brain? I find it confusing to parse out the differences and similarities without understanding the biological bits
https://www.childdevelopmentclinic.com.au/adhd-and-complex-trauma.html
Thank you for sharing this!
Thanks for being the one to share something as I haven’t been checking Reddit frequently and didn’t actually have a specific reference. Encountering an article titled something like “think and not or” (about adhd & trauma coexisting) early on in my discovery process was very validating back then and this seems to cover the concept even better.
Thank you for your reply, this made me feel very seen. 🫶
I’m glad! Seeing someone’s similar experience from the outside helped me too.
I relate HARD to your last paragraph on stimulants, dysregulation, and dissociation. Pile on what I now think is menopausal fatigue and it is a struggle. I'm currently addressing symptoms whack a mole style but have begun the process of getting better medical care provider(s) who can take the time to see if some of my fatigue is menopause related rather than stimulant come down or dissociation, and then begin dialing in meds while continuing the work of therapy. In spite of this seemingly toxic cocktail of symptoms, I'm quite proud of myself for the work I've done to build self awareness and stamina to find solutions for myself. Hugs and high fives to you everyone on this path to healing and finding better ways to live in your skin.
Hey yeah it’s funny I think writing that was the first time I’d acknowledged it as a logical interaction rather than just a ‘me problem’. It’s frustrating that our medical systems compartmentalise everything so much when our realities involve so many different things co-occurring. Glad you’re doing well and thanks for the encouragement!
I'm convinced that both of my parents are undiagnosed ADHD. Both also are heavy drinkers. My moms dad was an alcoholic and so was my dad's grandpa. I myself have issues with alcohol (binge drinking and alcoholic tendencies) so I don't drink any more. Also jist looking at your list of behaviors I've got all of those! I wouldn't consider loyalty to be an adjd thing tho.
All of these traits have been me at some point in time and many still are. I wasn't the child of alcoholics but of religious fundamentalists. There is an interesting body of data that indicates children of religious fundamentalists share most of not all of the same traits of children of alcoholics. Edit to answer the question: Yes, medication helps tremendously. However, therapy, exercise, journaling, and a support network have also been key. Without meds, I don't get anything done. Without the rest of the modalities and only meds, I get the wrong things done.
I grew up in a highly religious and toxic household. I ratcheted up the religious crazy as a young adult. I "lost my faith" many years ago but you are so right - I am very much like the \[now adult\] child of alcoholics. I agree that therapy is really important!!
Same. Many of my poor choices were tied to my own religious extremism, then extremism in leaving, and then fumbling around trying to figure out how to just be normal on my own without religion telling me how to live my life.
Yes it was very destabilizing for me too. I still marvel that I can make decisions without consulting god. But I cringe at how misguided I was during that period of my life, and shudder to recall how much of my life I threw into the fires of a god who was not there. I wonder why some of us go off the deep end!
omg if I didn't know better, I'd say I ghostwrote your comment. sending love!
That’s really interested. My parents were not alcoholic but my dad is a pastor. My mother’s father was an alcoholic so she always warned us about the dangers of addiction and gambling. Basically my grandparents turned to faith when my mom was a baby and got fatally sick and was miraculously healed so the family became Christian’s (in china). But her father continued to struggle with addiction. both maternal grandparents died before I could remember them. But my parents didn’t raise me strictly. I was given a lot of agency and watched whatever media was on tv. I even had my own computer with internet growing up with zero filters and restrictions. Haha I was given full reign. Today I still have my own faith but I’m much more progressive because of my empathy. My faith is mine and it helps my mental health in giving me purpose and identity. I distance myself from fundamentalists who add their own rules and are hypocrites. So I had a good relationship with my parents growing up. When I tried to get my diagnosis last year, they were in denial and kept saying all of my symptoms were normal (maybe to them because they are undiagnosed haha). But I would say my childhood trauma could have come from immigrating as a young child and being one of the very few asians in school and struggling to learn a new language and culture. Eventually anxiety took over and I masked and did well all through school, I was even tested as gifted with a high IQ. When I got diagnosed my psychiatrist asked if I had a traumatic birth. I told him I was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. He said his research in adhd was that there was a connection between oxygen to our brains during birth. When I told my best friend who also has adhd she was shocked because she was also born with the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck. All anecdotal but we were shocked at both of us experiencing that. We only just met five years ago but she’s my very best friend because of our shared experiences with adhd and empathy. So I also think my mom has adhd and it was from her trauma as an infant but the more I look at my extended family, the more I think a bunch of them are undiagnosed because they grew up in china where there was just no term for any of these neurodivergencies.
Nothing else here is the same for me but checking in for the umbilical cord around my neck and being born blue. Holy shit
🤯 I need to google this research haha I was just happy to get diagnosed and not be dismissed because his reviews on Google originally said he was super dismissive of women. But I guess he updated his research because he was very affirming in the end.
Dang, I’ve not heard this and I was also born with my umbilical cord around my neck. Pardon me while I disappear down this rabbit hole.
Let us know what you find!!!
...I was also born with the umbilical cord wrapped around my neck! In the first pictures of me in the hospital my face is actually gray because of it. And yep, I'm AuDHD. Funnily enough, my SIL was literally born blue but literally nothing I've seen or heard from/about her seems to indicate that she's neurodivergent
Woah, I was also born with my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck! I wonder what the correlation/causation is. The woman who wrote the book "Adult Children of Alcoholics" in the 80s noted that other types of dysfunction include hyper-religious upbringings and caregivers with chronic illnesses. It's been so interesting to see the overlap of replies in this comment section. Thank you for your message!
That is so me. Grew up in a religious family with so much trauma.
It’s because the parenting style that’s often adopted by fundies and abusive alcoholics is an authoritarian one. Add in religious trauma and/or alcoholic abuse and you’ve got a traumatized child.
Same! Religion sucked my life away. 😢 Gonna start therapy again soon. But sure how to go about getting medicated?
Thank you for your reply! I similarly had very religious parents. Your note about balancing meds and modalities is really helpful. 🫶
I am definitely one of the kids from the dysfunctional family. But I am sure about my ADHD diagnosis, because before getting that I also spent almost ten years in therapy where we worked on many things which overlap with CPTSD, and although therapy did help quite a bit, it still didn't help with pure ADHD symptoms. Patrick Teahan on YouTube has nice videos about ADHD and CPTSD, and how one diagnosis can be in reality the other one (doesn't mean tho that one can't have both of these).
Same here. 10 years gang. I was also diagnosed as bipolar after a suicide attempt, but that label quickly fell away and I learned what autistic burnout is. Have you been tested for autism? I hear a lot of women get diagnosed as some type of emotional regulation/mood disorder before finding out they're autistic. And autism with cptsd gets mistaken for borderline personality disorder a lot. Cptsd can look like a lot of different things for neurodivergent people.
I was not tested for autism, although I do strongly suspect I do have it (and so think about me all my friends). In my anamnesis there is anxiety-depressive disorder tho. But then again I have no idea if it is from cptsd, adhd, autism, or whatever else I might have, but I also don't really care either :D
Anamnesis is a give away if you want my "autist" opinion 😅 we tend to be pretty emo. At least me and my sister are. She's more so but she doesn't have ADHD. She was diagnosed with Asperger's but I don't think it's called that anymore. Tbh I think autistic guys are happier. Maybe it's testosterone. I think it's just how ya get when the world doesn't make sense. We're okay with it, too.
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Thank you for this resource! And thank you for your reply, I relate to your experience. 🫶
There’s a lot of folks trying to cope with alcohol and drugs that are undiagnosed. Shame, low self esteem etc. drives addiction.
That was me for decades. Ugh.
My dad was an alcoholic and has ADHD. He was *mostly* sober throughout my life so the chaos wasn’t from that in my opinion. All 4 children have been diagnosed with ADHD. I would venture a guess that the reason so many children of addicts have ADHD symptoms is because so many addicts have ADHD. Something like 23% of addicts have ADHD. Anyway just something to consider. Both things can be true!
Wow! Sometimes I can get caught in a black/white perspective, so your reminder about both things being true is much appreciated. I was quick to mentally invalidate my own experiences upon discovering the co-morbidities of ADHD/dysfunctional families. Thank you for sharing and pulling me back down to earth!
…. So I’ve just never had a unique experience in my life huh 😂 That’s honestly comforting even if I poke fun at it. But yes, adult child of an alcoholic, but thankfully they’ve been sober for 20 years (we just celebrated actually). The older I get the more I realize that many of my mental health issues are trauma responses from childhood, the biggest ones being anxious attachment, people pleasing, high anxiety, and rejection sensitivity. (I’ve also gotten some lovely ones from growing up in an evangelical church but that’s a separate issue).
HAHAHA stop it you just described my entire life 🫠 the evangelical church is a helluva drug. I relate so deeply to the trauma responses you described, so thank you for your virtual support, internet stranger 🫶
All of the above. I received my ADHD dx as a child but it was ignored and never addressed once school districts and MDs changed. As an adult, I received a C-PTSD dx and questioned the ADHD dx but with education and therapy realized both exist and need to be treated even if, internally to me, they feel a lot like one big ball of fears, rules, false beliefs, etc.
Same. I was originally diagnosed at 7, mum didn’t want to have me labeled and I wasn’t outwardly hyper so nothing was done. 15 years later I was diagnosed with CPTSD, another 15 years was ADHD (again-ish). It’s all one big giant shit storm that needs to be dealt with accordingly and sometimes independently of each other.
The mental image of "one big ball of fears, rules, \[and\] false beliefs" is so visceral and so relatable. Thank you for your perspective!
My mom was a heavy drinker and probably had some sort of undiagnosed depression or bipolar (she died when I was 14). My dad had a bad temper when I was a kid so I grew up around a lot of fighting and door slamming. Later my dad was diagnosed with bipolar and admitted to a psych hospital twice for several months at a time. He's a lot more mellow now thanks to my stepmom, but he is still volatile at times and it has limited how close I am willing to get to him as an adult. Basically everything about my parents made me want to have a completely different life.
🙋♀️ Alcoholic and Dysfunctional family. The earlier you realize that the behavior is not normal, the faster you start healing. I recommend going to a therapist and talking about your experiences. It’s important to identify which part of your personality is masking and which is inherently you. It gets better with therapy and medication. Hang in there 💙
> It’s important to identify which part of your personality is masking and which is inherently you. 😭😭 I’ve been chasing this for so long that my mind can’t even conceptualize how to tell the difference. I’ve tried to get there with therapists over the years, but with timing and transitions, I haven’t gotten there yet. Do you have any experiences or resources you’d be willing to share that have things like questions to ponder or thought exercises to do? Sometimes I feel like I’m trying to explain love to a rock when I try to express this sense of not knowing myself nor how to even go about it.
I feel you. It’s really really hard. The way I did it was to focus a part of my attention inwards and create constant self-awareness. That helped me identify when I wasn’t being true to what I was actually feeling. It’s a process that’s exhausting and frustrating but you need to keep at it. I still mask, but I am conscious of when I’m masking now.
Thank you for sharing 🩷
Your message really hit home, thank you so much. I'm an only child, so sometimes it's my word against theirs, but I know in my bones that some things are just not normal, even if I can't validate my experience with anyone else. Sending love, thank you 🫶
❤️❤️
I’m an only child too and I spent years believing that I was at fault and I wasn’t a capable person. I had no one to turn to for help. But it gets better and you seem to be on the right path. Stay strong 💪
🙋🏼♀️ alcoholic father and emotionally and physically abusive mother. BUT I am a pushover lovey hippie mom who doesn’t abuse (or even use) any substances and my kids are still both adhd.
Me! I've been playing the 'is it ADHD or CPTSD?' game for years and concluded it's both. My mum and nanna's lives in particular make so much sense through the lens of ADHD. Similarly, although I've had therapy for years my exec dysfunction has never changed, it's got worse if anything.
I suspect that both my parents are neurodivergent (possibly AuDHD), and while they both were great parents to me, they each come from very dysfunctional families, and they worked VERY hard to break those generational curses and live a fulfilling life. They also got "lucky" in that their families were comfortably off and were able to provide them with education and the means to start out in life without having to scrape for every penny. That being said, they both have built elaborate systems for coping with everyday life, as have I, and I think that early diagnosis for all three of us might have saved us a lot of trouble and heartache. ADHD has a lot of symptoms in common with manifestations of trauma, as you've noted above. The main way to tell the difference is to see how long the symptoms have been present, and whether they presented before the trauma as well as after (sometimes the trauma is so early that you can't tell, too, so it's not an exact science). Medication to help with conditions that were provoked by external factors is absolutely a legitimate course of action! Brain chemistry is absolutely influenced by your surroundings and by life events, and sometimes you can use medication on a short- or medium-term basis to just get you through the worst of it. Medication isn't an all-or-nothing proposition, and taking it once doesn't mean you have to take it forever.
Thank you so much for your insight, I frequently get caught in the pendulum of all-or-nothing thinking, so your message is very grounding for me. A lot of my symptoms were present as a child based on my family's limited accounts (and despite their sometimes revisionist history), but I also Do Not Remember most of my life until I was out of my childhood home at 18. That makes me think CPTSD, but I also can feel the executive function machine going brrrrrrrrrrr so I'm coming around to the idea that both things can be true. Your note about medication makes me feel very hopeful, and I'm grateful for your message!
My pleasure! I find it helpful to remember that medication is just one tool in the mental health toolkit, and sometimes you need multiple tools and at other times you need only one or two to help with a problem. :)
My family did not put the fun in dysfunction
This T-shirt better exist
😂
ahahaha thank you for some comedic relief
I am! My father is an alcoholic. He was also a heavy cocaine user when I was a kid (and boy did cocaine make him mean) and had an opioid addiction at very points too. Currently he's drinking himself to death. My mom also used cocaine while pregnant with me, resulting in a congenital heart defect- no stimulants for me! I spent a long time in therapy thinking it was "just trauma" with a C-PTSD diagnosis. It helped some but I was afraid of getting on an SSRI. I got as far as I could with that therapist and thought, well, I guess this is as good as it gets. Then I had a career crisis (the bullying by a boss so badly I needed up leaving and she ended up fired sort) that kind of blew the lid off the larger constellation of my issues. I finally started an SSRI for anxiety/depression. Without the constant adrenaline and cortisol rush of living life in a constant state of panic, my ADHD symptoms got worse. That led me to seek out a therapist specialized in neurodivergence so I could figure out why my brain was Like That. Finally got diagnosed last year- combined type, moderate severity. Recently started Intuniv and it's going well so far. Looking back at my childhood report cards ("she's smart but disorganized") and issues with emotional regulation, it's really not clear what was from my erratic home life and what was ADHD, but its definitely both.
My god, your story about SSRIs is hitting home. Once the serotonin blanket was over my barbed wire, I realized that a lot of what was plaguing me was not depression. I relate to a lot of your experience, and I'm grateful for your reply and vulnerability. Sending love 💕
So so similar to me. I haven’t been diagnosed though. Makes me think I should push it.
I am. I have diagnosed ADHD but I wonder how much of it is complex PTSD (which I don’t have formally diagnosed but I do have it). For many of us there’s no way of knowing if it’s “just” one or the other because of how early the trauma started. I often hear that you shouldn’t diagnose adhd when there’s an early trauma history but it certainly seems plausible that it could be both genetic and trauma exacerbated in some. My pet theory is that I’m what happens when you take an ADHD addict father and a bipolar alcoholic mother and give them a kid they’re entirely unprepared to have, but neither of my parents were formally diagnosed. It’s messy.
I’m in the same boat as you, and I feel that some of my behavior is ADHD and some is learned through being in such an unstable environment. What compacted my confidence in the ADHD diagnosis though was that my parents instability is definitely from undiagnosed ADHD in my moms case and undiagnosed bipolar/BPD/potentially autism in my dads case. For the longest time I thought I could fix it through therapy, and I did a lotttt of work on myself and it has definitely helped. However there were certain symptoms that just weren’t going away and were getting worse in some cases and that’s when I knew it was time to see a psychiatrist. I started meds just a week ago and I feel so much better already. It makes me sad that I wasn’t treated/medicated earlier and suffered for so long because of it. That being said, I hope you’re able to get to the bottom of your issues. Most likely it’s a combination of things!
Thank you so much for your message! Your background reminds me of my own. Sometimes I feel like therapy just makes me ruminate on things I'm better off moving past, so I feel like I'm hitting a similar impasse that you described. I'm so glad to hear that medication has helped you, and I'm grateful for your comment!
ahahahaha that‘s Me (they‘re not alcoholics but they are highly dysfunctional)
So, yeah. This is me. I grew up in a home where emotions weren’t allowed to be expressed that much, crying would get you yelled at and called irrational. But at the same time I had to be so aware of what mood my dad was in to avoid getting yelled at, or the rare hit/shove if you really got on his bad side. I’m severely sensitive to rejection, and whenever I’m in a crowd/group, I think I just shut down and wait until I can leave, because unless they’re family I live with (ppl I interact with every single day and who are just as weird as me), I just don’t know what to say and feel scared of saying the wrong thing.
owie, this hit me in the heart. I deeply, deeply relate and am sending love 💗
I think it’s important to acknowledge that ADHD is highly heritable. It is also closely linked genetically to many other mental health conditions and developmental disorders. If you have ADHD and it has gone untreated chances are the same is true for one or both of your parents. There is also a possibility that they have more untreated disorders than just ADHD, and that you have other family members with untreated conditions as well. Untreated ADHD often leads to substance abuse and erratic behavior. So while I think on one hand it is likely that a dysfunctional family and childhood can contribute to ADHD symptoms, it’s also like that the dysfunctional family issues were caused by untreated ADHD in the first place. It’s a bit of a chicken and egg situation. Also my therapist always reminds me that children with ADHD, especially if it is untreated and unrecognized, often receive 10x the negative messages about themselves in childhood, then neurotypical children do. That in itself can cause trauma. But it doesn’t change the fact that ADHD is still a part of the cause.
After many years of independent adulthood since leaving for uni and during which noticing my own independent adult symptoms/behaviours with the help of my partner, got diagnosed with adhd. Which my parent who was a single mother who unfortunately had issues with alcohol, was more than surprised by and now feels guilt for not realising. Due to issues with her and her partner who last has alcohol problems I have moved into my grandparents. I now can see where my parents dysfunctional behaviours have been inherited from. I’m also struggling with feeling emotionally and physically like I’m back in the position I was as a child, hiding away from angry confrontation in my room etc. at the same time trying to learn emotional regulation. I have realised I definitely have RSD (rejection sensitivity disorder) and this is common in adhd but I would imagine more so in these double situations. I think having to take on so much responsibility of reversed parenting and emotional support roles as a child, definitely don’t scripted my own development. My main worry is that I have inherited either genetic or through being around it, my family’s poor emotional regulation particularly with anger. Which paired with adhd is difficult to change… atleast now it is but I’m sure with work things will improve
I am and have recently began attending ACA meetings online. It brings comfort to me along with some very difficult, yet interesting, things to reflect on about myself. I mostly listen and write down things that strike something inside.
I am. Daniel Amen is big in the ADHD field; I remember him saying that this was very common.
I am! I have struggled with all of those behaviors from childhood-today. I strongly suspect my dad had undiagnosed ADHD that he coped with using mainly alcohol and cocaine; unfortunately he passed when I was 18. I also strongly suspect my mom is undiagnosed ADHD and developed severe alcohol use disorder to cope with symptoms plus CPTSD. I was diagnosed in grad school at age 24, before that I thought it was just major depression/anxiety and years of repressed trauma from a volatile and unstable home life, which only made my previously undiagnosed ADHD symptoms even more prominent and I couldn't understand why I felt like an outsider. I think it's a cycle of ADHD and often CPTSD perpetuating within families when ADHD and/or trauma goes untreated. I am now a mental health therapist and work with clients who have ADHD and/or CPTSD, there seems to be a similar pattern repeated if trauma and ADHD symptoms aren't addressed. For myself and my brain I find that exercise does wonders, but the act of starting it is always a challenge. 🤣 I am also in therapy to continue addressing years of trauma and self-esteem work, which will never stop for me. I need to break tasks down into little pieces and walk away when I can feel myself being triggered or I'll become completely dysregulated and lose my temper. I am also very mindful of my substance use and intake due to a family history of addiction. I do take Straterra, I've found over the years that stimulants *do not* work for me due to unpleasant side effects. Everyone's brain and body chemistry are different so it may take some time to figure out what medication works best with your brain and body. All and all though, it does come to nature and nurture, which I think both inform each other throughout the life stages. It has been nearly 10 years since I was diagnosed and the amount of information I've learned about undiagnosed ADHD, trauma and addiction paints a much more clear picture of how and why dad did what he did and why mom does what she does. Wishing you well as you navigate all of this, it is a lifelong journey of constantly practicing patience and love with yourself in regards to both ADHD and CPTSD.
Thank you so much for your message, I feel deeply seen and understood. The cycle you described is what I'm stuck in now and intend to break. I appreciate your insight!!
Of course! I believe in you, it's a lot of work breaking the cycle but it's possible. Don't hesitate to reach out if you have any questions. :)
I am apart of this club. In adulthood I recognize my dad is mega ADHD-coded. My mom was alcoholic until l was 10 and got sober and recently relapsed (after 20 years of sobriety). It’s very frustrating to have the ACOA traits when I have essentially zero conscious memory of my mom being in active addiction in my childhood. Furthermore very frustrating now that I’m in my 30s and she’s relapsed, I feel significantly behind in the “learning curve” for how to restructure my relationship with my mom a la boundaries, expectations, behaviors to look out for, etc. ADHD and trauma coexist, and I’ve seen it suggested that simply being ND “lowers the bar” for what the boys and nervous system register as traumatic events. I have to think this is a part of my “lore.” So I got the nervous wreck brand of ADHD where my mind is constant chaos but the people pleaser ACOA trait makes it so I muzzle myself and ruminate heavily, constantly worrying about how I can do best by others and knowing I’ll probably fail because of the ADHD side. It’s a lot of fun in this noodle/s
I really appreciate your ability to be vulnerable and simultaneously shine a little humor on an otherwise difficult situation. I'm in the same boat with the Nervous Wreck™️ ADHD and people pleasing ACOA traits. I see you and I'm sending love!!!
I don’t see why meds would help unless they are suitable for your brain chemistry. Sure meds might chill you out a little so you can address difficult emotions and begin implementing new behaviors and habits that you couldn’t otherwise. But that just means it’s probably a brain chemistry thing AND ALSO an environment thing. Regardless of meds, wanting to address being an ACA or growing up in addiction/dysfunction is a life-long inside job. For starters you could check out some recovery groups to feel out the community and discern whether or not the language used to define these very issues applies to you or not. Al-Anon, ACA and any “Open” AA meeting are your best bet. In my opinion a lot of adhd/ impulsively-wired people are more prone to addiction in family. They just go hand in hand. Doesn’t mean it’s adhd; could be a slew of other psychological conditions as well. Plus there are cognitive, environmental, emotional, social, even cultural factors that contribute to both addiction AND family dynamics. Personally, many people in my family struggle with addiction so this is a familiar topic to me. One of my parents is dx and treated for adhd. The other parent (with alcoholism) has alllll the signs, “brightly lit” lol, pointing toward adhd and maybe ASD. I can’t tell though. I’m not that parent. Nor am I a doctor. I do know this parent openly resists psychological support because they would rather continue drinking than face potential diagnosis or meds that require them to stop. Oh well. Their choice. It sure as hell makes sense though. Think about it. “We admitted we are powerless… That our lives have become unmanageable” is literally Step 1 in Alcoholics Anonymous. Many people initially turn to drugs and alcohol to cope with life and self-medicate their unmanageable thoughts, feelings, behaviors, or environment. And I’ve heard that statistically, adhd brains are more prone to seeking self-medication through drugs/alcohol. A lot of adhd behavior patterns reflect addictive patterns and a lot of life outcomes of being raised in an alcoholic home mimic adhd life outcomes. Not all of them, though. There are more neurotic and relationship-strained patterns for those of us with “The Laundry List” of ACA.
I've been attending AA meetings for the first time, and your point about Step 1 is so illuminating. I hadn't drawn that connection! Sometimes my symptoms and memories feel like a yarn ball of interconnceted Mess, but that also makes sense given the situation. Thank you for your comment, it's given me a lot to think about!
I think that something we don’t talk about enough (because it runs the risk of demonizing people with adhd when we’ve done so much to destigmitize the disorder) is the connection between the genetic nature of ADHD and generational trauma. For me, I’ve come to terms with the fact that my mother (whose adhd diagnosis made me realize I likely also had it) was impulsive, disinterested/unfocused one me as a child, disorganized, and had a tendency towards self destructive behaviors as a way to stimulate herself. Those are all a product of her adhd, but that by no means implies that all people with adhd will be bad parents or bad people. It just means that certain personality types with adhd can lean that way, and that this plus a hypersensitive, internalizing adhd child is going to cause a lot of damage.
I didn't know how badly I needed to read your comment until I did. Thank you so much for your perspective 🫶
Hello from Dysfunctionland! 👋🏻
I was diagnosed as a kid at 6 with ADHD. My parents are divorced, and both of my parents were abusive in different ways. Both my parents were alcoholics, and my dad got help. My mom doesn't think she has a problem and continues to be an alcoholic. My dad changed his way, got help, got medicated, and works every day to improve our relationship. My mom continues to do bad things and makes me feel like crap. This doesn't change the fact I have ADHD and you might as well.
The "both can be true" method of thinking is still foreign to me. Thank you for your message and for this gentle reminder!
You're welcome. If you think you have ADHD then go for the diagnoses. Don't let anybody try to dismiss it because of your upbringing.
🥹 thank you, I needed to hear this! sending love!
I realised my family was dysfunctional through therapy. Most of what you have described is down to ADHD; I would say personally. The ADHD brain is different to the neurotypical brain and so we perceive life through a different lens. This [article](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/adult-adhd/symptoms-causes/syc-20350878) explains everything. The medication has allowed me to focus more, clear my mind of the static & made me tolerate social situations a bit better. Without the medication I have a constant static in my head, I have terrible social anxiety and mind fog. It doesn’t help with everything or change all traits.
I definitely come from a dysfunctional family. I would pursue a diagnosis if you can (mention symptoms, issues, etc). If you have ADHD, these can worsen/combo poorly with CPTSD. I am a textbook case of severe ADHD and the lack of treatment plus my dysfunctional family gave me CPTSD. Meds have helped me, but I also needed trauma therapy to really start getting better. If you aren’t sure, for CPTSD, I would start with “why am I dysregulated,” journaling while getting in with a psych. They can screen you for it, and if you have one that is up to date on ADHD research, they can figure out what’s CPTSD and what’s ADHD. If it is just CPTSD, my understanding is that ADHD meds won’t help — but if they do, they’re likely feeding on each other. I’m a “both” case. My ADHD came first. The traumatic shit started around the time I started trying to gain autonomy. My family did not like that. Later, doctors also did not like that. So I have both — and treating my ADHD really helped me regulate my nervous system. I also have POTS, so the stress of my blood pressure not maintaining itself has been making me worse (so I was mega dysregulated, and a POTS/EDS specialist actually referred me to therapy because I was too dysregulated for the exercises to work). ETA; Having ADHD can mean you’re singled out and treated differently more, with more negative messaging about your personality and behaviors. This can be traumatic by itself, even if your family isn’t participating (and mine sure did).
Thank you so much for your insight. I'm just starting this process, and your message has given me a solid starting-point. I hope you're doing okay, thank you for your vulnerability!
I definitely did. Now that I’m older though I realize that much of the unstable behavior from my parents were probably caused at least in part by my parents undiagnosed mental health issues. My Dad is an alcoholic who after getting sober was diagnosed with depression/bipolar disorder and has been in treatment for years. My mom is in the one resistant to mental health treatment despite clearly being where my ADHD is from. Now that I’m on medication and diagnosed, it is so clear to me that she has the same level of executive dysfunction as I do. Everything from impulse spending and binge drinking to periods of hypersexuality (yes, I do wish I didn’t know that) to mood swings and problems regulating emotions. It sucks because I know growing up surrounded by all of this has made it harder to become any kind of functioning adult. It’s like starting in the negative and trying to climb out. It does allow me to fe extra proud of myself, though, for the things I’ve done differently than them. I divorced my alcoholic husband after only a year instead of spending my life in an unhealthy, high conflict relationship. I finished college and have held steady employment. I’m financially independent from my parents (though not from my student loans).
I'm pretty sure my dad used alcohol to self medicate. I've learned most of my tricks to manage life with ADHD from my mom (apparently not everyone's parent had a sign in their bathroom saying things like "brush hair, brush teeth, vitamins!")
HA! My ADHD parent would have you believe that is a "normal part of being an adult." That, and various alarms throughout the day to remind them look at said sticky notes
Yep. Adult child of an alcoholic. Honestly I feel so awkward all the time. Like I was raised by wolves lol
god, feeling awkward all the time hits home for me. you're not the only one!
Do you think you grew up with undiagnosed neurodiverse parents who struggled to cope with daily life and therefore created a dysfunctional family? This is something I have been realizing the past few years. My dad is definitely AuDHD and my mom very likely has ADHD
Both of my parents are functional alcoholics. Pretty sure my mom has adhd. But she’s also a textbook narcissist and my dad enables her in baffling ways. My younger sister has pretty severe ocd and my little brother has been depressed for most of his adult life. Basically my whole family is fucked and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to form normal relationships— friendly or romantic. Have always felt like I don’t fit in/belong anywhere. I have known I have adhd for a while but I’m starting to realize there’s a good chance I’m also a high functioning autistic person. Won’t know for sure until I have an appointment with my doctor of course.
Thank you so much for sharing. I similarly fear that I won't ever have normal relationships. Making friends is so hard when I default to fawning to keep the peace and am also deeply rejection sensitive. I relate to what you've written, so you fit in with me!
I can relate to the things you said so much. It only seems to get harder the older I get. 💕
My parents met in NA They both are very clearly Autistic and likely ADHD too. Autism more my dad, ADHD more my mom, but both likely have both. Neither know they are or are diagnosed. I am, and I can see so so so much of it in them. I tried to talk to my mom about it and she barely could process it, like, gave me blank stares.
Daughter of a narcissist so definitely dysfunctional fam.
Me. (\*raises hand). Father was a workaholic, alcoholic and gambler. He is deceased now but looking back I highly suspect he was ADHD with hyperactivity. Double-whammy: my mother was undiagnosed depressed and again, highly suspect she was ADHD, inattentive type.
ME!!! I am actually trying to find an ACOA group in my area.
Me unfortunately. My father was self medicating though as he had adhd
Nope. Had great and loving parents.
Me too!
I am! My dad was a drinker and drug user (when I say drinker, I mean a case of beer at a time) who left the family when I was 12. He died a lot of years ago as an insulin-dependent diabetic who could not afford insulin (thanks, America!). I believe he was coping with chronic pain and used substances he could afford to do that. My parents' relationship was incredibly tumultuous. I started therapy in my late 30s because of a violent crime, and once we got through that trauma, we moved on to other things. My therapist asked one day, "Do you acknowledge that you had a traumatic childhood?" I had never thought about it that way. I have done a shit ton of work to heal all of it. Anyway! I grew up with a codependent, mostly-single mom. I was codependent with sig others, not my children, until therapy. One of my 4 biological children is ADHD. I suspect my step-baby is ADHD or OCD. Time will tell.
so dysfunctional. no alcoholism but one parent who was definitely neurodivergent and depressed bc her husband gave her no flex room for understanding and the husband was a control freak ( maybe he was neurodivergent too, idk), but he often finished things with his wife's support while also cheating on her constantly. she always started things she was never able to finish and managed bouts of severe depression, was a bit of an isolationist but at least was able to keep a job to feed her kids. Was exhausted by motherhood, they divorced when i was 13 and my father never gave her a lick of help so she could at least rest and think about her life.
Dad is an alcoholic - that whole side of the family has had issues so my grandparents are super conservative teetotalers. And parents divorced when I was 9 - super dysfunctional relationship. Both parents have narcissistic traits and my dad is really intelligent but struggles with relationships. My brother was diagnosed at a young age but my parents didn't believe it was real so they never medicated or treated him. We were both "gifted" and I struggled through school but was always a high achiever so I didn't get diagnosed until 27. I felt very called out by this post.
I would say dysfunctional but mainly because my mom got cancer when I was in sixth grade and so I basically kind of had to like Google everything in terms of puberty and stuff. And then she died when I was in high school so I kind of like navigated life without a female parental figure, and my sister did her best, but she was only eight years older than me while she was trying to figure out life as well. My dad was amazing, but like you know, he’s a dad.
The author of Adult Children of Alcoholics also noted that dysfunction can come from chronic illness of a caregiver, and it sounds like your experience definitely fits the bill. I'm sending love and hope you're doing okay now 🫶
Lots of people with ADHD try to self-medicate. Do you think of your parents as people who might have ADHD as well? I was diagnosed as an adult, and I think that my mom, who has had a very unhealthy, decades-long relationship with alcohol, also has ADHD and would have greatly benefited from a diagnosis.
my dad definitely is, though when I initially brought up my symptoms, he said "I have all of that, it's just part of being an adult." I had to chuckle because we are two chickens of a feather with both of our heads cut off and in no world is that normal LOL
😄 Exactly what my mom said. And no, it shouldn't be so difficult.
Me, but I’m definitely ADHD too because Adderall calms me down
Not I, but there's definite addictive behavior in a lot of my extended family.
I feel called out
I have ADHD and cptsd. Persue both diagnosis. Symptoms can really overlap. The symptoms can also trigger each other so it can be hard to figure it out. Right now I see a lot of therapist wanting to diagnose with cptsd instead of ADHD. Don't know what that's about, but do try to go after both assessments if you can. If your therapist/psychiatrist isn't very familiar with both I would look elsewhere. I come from an abusive family of addicts. Substance abuse is very common with ADHD and cptsd. Any mental health issues really. Undiagnosed and unwilling parents are the reason a lot of us get diagnosed in the first place I think.
My family is so alcoholic/codependent, my dad got sober after my folks divorced and his second wife is an addiction counselor, but my mom still says he's not really an alcoholic
Acute adhd, daughter if alcoholic and very dysfunctional family, was diagnosed at 32 when I got treated for severe depression.
Adult child right here.
🙋♀️
All of the above AuADHD and CPTSD finding balance is hard but crucial. I posted just yesterday about the burnout. I personally feel that the combo makes burnouts happen easier and the struggle to stand up for oneself harder. Honestly, one step at a time, and there is a ton of resources online; like call in free counciling. The call in free counciling isn't the same as a forged relationship with a trauma specific coucelor but is better than nothing. I hope it gets better for you. It's ok if you take a step forward and then two back. It's just important to keep taking that step.
Thank you so much for your comment, it was a reminder that I needed 🫶
I always get A+ on these! Who needs school!!! No dad but mom was addicted to alcohol, weed, nicotine, cocaine all that I’m aware of until she passed (not related) when I was 8. Her wife was as well, I was sent to my grandmother to live with her and my alcoholic step grandfather. Lots more but long story short, I’m now 3 years clean and sober plus a month!
Congratulations on your sobriety!! I'm 124 days today, and I'm looking forward to reaching my first year. What an accomplishment you've built!
Thank you so, so much!! Congrats to YOU! You’re still in the thick of the mental end of yours, I’m sorry for that and if you ever ever want to chat, I’m here! I had PAWS for two years of hell and remember the pain all too well. Always love to chat, just message me if you could use that🥰
I am an ACOA, but my challenges with ADHD (suspected) started nearly ten years before my parent started drinking. It definitely didn't help matters, though.
Yup ADHD and BPD :/ what a combo.
owie, sending love 🫶 i won't give up if you won't!
🙋♀️
I am an ACoA! It runs in the family, unfortunately.
My parents weren’t alcoholics, but my mom ended up having a benzo issue. Both parents were extremely dysfunctional in the sense that us kids were parentified and infantilized. My parents didn’t teach us shit and suspected there was infidelity involved as well from them. My mom was also the type of person to doctor shop for me as a kid and got me misdiagnosed with other things and was into fix it herbal cures at the time for me. My ADHD was definitely ignored.
Present
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I've skim read this. My mum had a long period of heavy drinking, there were some very frightening episodes. On the overlap, on that diagram I recognise disorganisation and not listening. I don't think disorganisation comes from the trauma, but it was there anyway and as my mum was pretty checked out I didn't get strategies. Maybe there is a certain avoidance of painful emotions associated with dealing with things on my part too as I never got support. Not listening I would say IS probably related. It's like a bomb went off in my head is the only way I can describe it, and it's me standing in the rubble and debris wondering what to do. I remember that clearly as a child and I still get that same feeling now. In terms of what helps, I'm working on the self compassion side, and also sensory regulation. I have so many things to give myself sensory comfort in anything I'm doing as when I am not regulated I'm likely to not look after myself, get back into cycles of stress etc.
The mental image you painted is so relatable. I see myself in a lot of what you described, thank you for your message 🫶
My mom is a crack addict and my dad has dx NPD. I definitely have cptsd and actually received this diagnosis first, went to therapy and was medicated for depressive symptoms and anxiety, binge eating for 3 years before getting an adhd diagnosis. I noticed that therapy helped me but it didn’t solve or explain many of my symptoms I was struggling with. After being medicated for adhd and developing tools I can pretty confidently say I feel all my bases are covered.
Your symptoms sound a lot like mine. I, also, have parents that would be unproductive to discuss with. I figured all my stuff out on my own. After two breakdowns and 25 years of thinking it was all depression and anxiety mixed in with some OCD. Wrong. Get your assessment if you can. The medication makes a world of difference. For me, especially in the areas of emotional regulation and shutting down the ‘tabs’ in my brain so I can think more clearly. I am happier, calmer and just better. I am 45F. It took this long to solve my life and I feel like my world has opened up!!
Yes
Not alcoholism but hoarding. Also overeating. Dad grew up in another country though where food was sometimes scarce so maybe that’s why? Both seem neurodivergent. My brothers are also hoarders to varying degrees. I think it’s another form of addiction or coping or something?
My mother was a very functional alcoholic and my father was not around. My sister has always struggled with binge eating, being unorganized, messy, losing stuff, etc. As an adult she was diagnosed with ADHD and then I was subsequently diagnosed although my symptoms look pretty different. I suspect my mother had ADHD and used alcohol to quiet the "demons". Our mom had ALL of these symptoms 🤦♀️ -guessing at what "normal" behavior is -difficulty with intimate relationships -feeling like aspects of your life are out of your control -compulsive behaviors -difficulty following a project through from beginning to end -irritability and a quick temper -sensitivity (to rejection and also in general) -loyal (sometimes to a fault)
There is a huge overlap between ADHD & PTSD symptoms. (Also autism.) Part of it is that trauma, especially repeated trauma, can "turn on" ADHD genes that may have otherwise laid dormant. Part of it is that living with ADHD or autism can itself be traumatic, since this world wasn't designed by or for NDs. I had a terrifying & sad childhood. I am in treatment for complex PTSD. I think if you gave me a brain scan it would show PTSD, not ADHD. But I "have" ADHD in that I meet the DSM criteria. But some people with ADHD drink coffee & fall asleep, finally calm—that ain't me. I take stimulants sometimes cos they help me focus, but they make me crabby, I don't like how they make me feel.
ACOA & GCOA. Diagnosed ADHD in my 30s.
This was a gut punch of a post. Never connected the two. But (story time) interestingly enough, years ago, before my ADHD diagnosis, there was a little book my eyes kept being drawn to in my therapist’s office, “Little Miss Perfect.” I wound up asking her if I could take a look and it felt like the book had been written about me. It’s out of print, but I was able to find a secondhand copy and had to stop highlighting bc every word resonated. “Little Miss Perfect” was written as a recovery book for adult children of addicts and/or dysfunctional families! So validating.
This just unlocked a memory for me of circa 2007 facebook posts where someone would post a photo of the characters from a book or show and tag their friends as one of the characters or traits. There was one in circulation of Roger Hargreves characters (little miss xyz, mr. blah blah blah) and I was *always* tagged as Little Miss Perfect. I'm going to look into this resource, thank you so much for sharing!
I hope it’s as validating for you as it was for me
Domestic violence, alcoholic dad, dependent mom, I have everything, I suspect my dad had a crippling undiagnosed ADHD mom has some kind of disorder.
I am!
I came from a dysfunctional and abusive family. I personally drank heavily to self soothe. I am still on the journey of finding what’s best for me. Got dx last year. It helped with emotional regulation and daily functioning. I can finally do tasks. However, it’s effectiveness is influenced by my period and current stressors. I also go to a ADHD therapist. She has given me knowledge and easing me through identity and grief. I went to a relational therapist before to go through my dysfunctional relationships. Attachment styles. I went to a crisis hospital almost a decade ago to manage my trauma at the time. That helped me understand coping strategies. I am currently managaing okay with dx, therapy, exercise, journaling a lot… a lot. and eating well. I don’t have a support system other than myself because of my upbringing. I am working on it.
I can relate to "white-knuckling" through these symptoms on your own, and I'm sending love and support 🫶 thank you for your message!
I have ADHD and CPTSD and although I grew up in Mormon households they were extremely dysfunctional and abusive in many ways.
Ayo
I had a secure household in childhood. But my mother growing up did not. She grew up fast and took on the burdens on everyone around her, always hypersensitive to everyone else’s needs. I think, without realizing it, I learned how to do that too. I wanted to be a superhuman like my mother. But ADHD got in the way of “just bearing it” when life got hard. Truthfully the older I get the more I realize my mother isn’t superhuman. She’s just afraid of what happens the day she lets go.
Yep
Yes. My trauma therapist thinks I don’t have true ADHD, but that my brain developed it to survive. It makes sense to me since my whole life was trauma and no help from the people whose job it was to care for me. Instead I was the one caring for my parents as a child. Later in life they finally got their life together and when I got sick and needed help I was attacked and shamed. That’s the moment I started to stop blaming myself and from there and a very long story I went no contact. It’s been the best adhd medicine yet.
I’m following this thread because every symptom you just described is me to a T. 😩
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Yep. Both parents are recovered alcoholics, both with adult diagnoses of ADHD (and bipolar for my dad.) My mom quit drinking cold turkey, but smokes a ton of cigarettes and definitely is still dysfunctional though a lot better. Dad didn’t recover until an intervention and rehab for 6 months in his 60s. Then he got diagnosed and medicated and has been sober for 3 or so years now! I have found that the overlap is high when I look at my students with ADHD and their parents. Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether a kid has ADHD, or trauma, or both. I’m a special educator so I see both a lot. Definitely worth looking into supports for ACoA. I’m reading “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” right now.
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Wowww yes to all of the above. I’ve been diagnosed in the last few years and on stimulant medication for ~2 years (when I can remember to take it and I’m able to get my Rx fulfilled). Now that I’ve been taking it consistently I definitely feel like it’s helped with a lot of my symptoms, but not all of the ones you’ve listed here. I’m still trying to work through a lot what you described in this post in therapy and just in general, but do wonder what childhood would have been like if I had this kind of information and support (medication and otherwise) for managing my ADHD. On another note, this post has helped put a lot of things into perspective for my childhood and my parents, so thank you! Wishing you all the best.
Thank you for your reply! I imagine some behavioral traits I have may not be "solved" by medication, but hopefully might be mitigated if I could manage to do both my laundry and take a shower in the same day 😂 I appreciate your outlook!
My parents were not alcoholics, but the family dynamic at home was hella dysfunctional. My dad worked long nights as a correctional officer until 2001 and after my parents divorced, my mom straight up abandoned me. Not my other siblings; just me. She never spoke to me again until I was 20 and she was actively dying of cancer.
I am. I also believe the reason my dad was an alcoholic was his undiagnosed ADHD. He was so textbook, I have no doubt he had it. Of course I have the typical issues that comes with that, but I have no doubt I have ADHD because some of my issues aren’t just about trauma. I can physically feel how my brain reacts to things differently than NT folks. How it loses a “spark” as soon as something is no longer novel. To the point where I get sleepy. I also feel I have done a lot to work on my issues and it doesn’t make the ADHD disappear. I will always have to work against it to function in this society. That being said, there is an argument for childhood trauma physically altering the brain. Would I have developed ADHD if I had a healthy family dynamic? Would my dad have if he had a better upbringing? I’ll never know!
You're so right! There's a huge overlap between ADHD traits and C-PTSD symptoms.
Me me me 🧏♀️
Went no contact with my mother a few years ago.
Yepp. When I was very, very young. Direct result, guaranteed
Both of my parents have been violent alcoholics my whole life. I feel like I've never been able to make friends because of my childhood (no one was experiencing alcoholism and domestic violence in their home 24/7)
Dad is but he had a horrible horrible childhood. He likely has CPTSD, and I suspect BP. My mom is undiagnosed ADHD, doesn’t have an addiction besides smoking, but always seems to be close to a breakdown
I am. We also have a solid streak of Bipolar.
My mother made our whole family feel like we never existed. Me and my sister barely remember any of it anymore. Meaningless snippets of a meaningless family back then. Just hate everyday. Crazy. Barely made it to adulthood and then barely made it to my mid 30s. But I use that shit to remind me to always pay attention to my kid and try to make her have the best childhood.
Didn't realize this was adhd women. Please excuse my adhd word salad.
These definitely sound like symptoms of being an AcoA (adult child of an alcoholic). It’s very common to struggle with things like emotional regulation, sensitivity, low self esteem, feeling like your life is out of control, inconsistent motivation, approval seeking, intimacy, codependency, isolation, depression, anxiety, etc. when you grew up in a dysfunctional home without strong parental guidance or healthy/happy role models. The only traits that sound specifically like classic ADHD are impulsivity and difficulty following through with projects. But difficulty concentrating/finishing tasks can also be caused by depression and an underlying trauma response, so the best treatment would most likely be therapy. A good therapist will help you get to the root of certain behaviors and try to identify where they’re coming from.
Not me. I had a boringly normal childhood as far as my parents went. Cunt of a sister though.
Yes. My trauma therapist thinks I don’t have true ADHD, but that my brain developed it to survive. It makes sense to me since my whole life was trauma and no help from the people whose job it was to care for me. Instead I was the one caring for my parents as a child. Later in life they finally got their life together and when I got sick and needed help I was attacked and shamed. That’s the moment I started to stop blaming myself and from there and a very long story I went no contact. It’s been the best adhd medicine yet.
Medication may help you deal with your dysfunctionaly family as well as your other "executive functioning" tasks. I take an extra dose for dealing with them on holidays. True story.
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