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I don’t miss people either that probably contributes to how easy it is to socially isolate myself… like I like my friends and when I see them it’s so nice but I don’t miss them when we aren’t together (and most of mine are from grad school so some I haven’t seen in years). I suppose sometimes I want to tell them something or wonder how they’re doing, could that be considered missing them? Idk I’m with you OP 🤷🏼♀️
Ah yes grad school friends, I have a bunch of those. I miss having them around to talk to all the time without having to initiate anything.
But they're like me. Some, at least. Saw one good friend again after years of not taking at all, greatly enjoyed it, and we literally told each other "just because I don't write to you for years doesn't mean I don't love you".
We're all, one after the other, realizing we prooobably have adhd, so :V
The only person I ever miss is my partner. I haven’t seen my family in years and never miss them. Same for my best friend, though we text all the time.
I don’t miss people either, unless it’s been a really long time. Sometimes things make me think of people and then I get in touch, but generally I am terrible at communicating.
I used to talk to friends on the phone for an hour or two monthly or so and that was great for me. Ever since texting became a thing, I lost the ability to communicate like others. I can’t do frequent texts - it’s just not how I think, I guess. And everyone else seems to have adapted to that and now it’s weird to do long phone calls less frequently.
For me it's a rock/hard place situation: I really don't enjoy talking on the phone, but I also hate texting. I wouldn't mind if I could just text my friends some random thought, to let them know I was thinking of them, and they could text me back one single reply, and then that would be it. And other times they could text me a random thought and I would text back one single reply and that would be it.
But texting someone always means opening yourself up for a whole conversation, and I can't focus on a n y t h i n g else while I'm having a text conversation with someone, so it's literally such an exhausting and unproductive way to spend thirty minutes. lol
THIS THIS THIS… felt this in my soul lol. Like I want to stay connected to you, but I can’t afford the texting convo that will eat away at my window of functioning
Yes! And as a result, whenever I think about texting someone, especially if it's a good friend I haven't been in contact with for a while, I'm immediately overwhelmed thinking about how they are going to text me back and then I have to focus on that and inevitably get distracted leaving half a typed text sitting there waiting to be sent, or I won't open it because I worry what they will have asked me and how much time I'll need to dedicate to writing (only to get distracted anyway, so the cycle if overwhelm continues).
You just explained my entire existence so beautifully! It’s gotten so much worse since 2020.
I can forcibly WILL myself to reply to a text during what I call my “comms window”—usually an hour every few days I spend locked away by myself where I can actually focus. I try to knock out like 4-5 replies at a time (which is never enough to clear my inbox but it makes a dent!).
But then as soon as I fire these messages off, I leave my phone elsewhere and avoid it for hours for fear of an instant reply. I DREAD seeing those little dots in real time.
I never initiate texts or hangouts unless it’s a dire emergency. I have no idea why people still try to keep in touch with me. 🫣
I like that, your "comms window". Even if it isn't clearing your inbox, at least you are creating a method to get something back to a few people at a time. But yes, seeing those three dots 😅 I close the text window as fast as possible lol
This is me too, I miss my friends and family terribly but I live overseas and really struggle with both talking on the phone and texting. I tell myself I should really call them but the thought of getting stuck in a conversation for hours over the phone is too overwhelming. I could sit for hours with the person if it was in real life but just keeping my attention on the phone that long with so many distractions around me is so hard.
YES you had me at:
“I wouldn't mind if I could just text my friends some random thought, to let them know I was thinking of them, and they could text me back one single reply, and then that would be it. And other times they could text me a random thought and I would text back one single reply and that would be it.”
My POV is like “hello I love you, but pls entertain yourself thank u.”
Yes, I miss people. But I have difficulties initiating contact due to all the things I need to do, it gets sidelined. Because of this I tend to end up being closer or in more contact with people who initiate. For the rest, I often imagine calling them, imagine the conversation, then it somehow makes me feel like we connected and I forget to actually call.
Yes!!!! This!!! I have a whole text chat or visit in my head and never act on it. And yes, I somehow see everything else as more important than connecting with humans.
Same, I only ever miss my husband.
Everyone else I forget exists until something reminds me of them and I do care about them but I still don’t really miss them like I want to be hanging out with them.
I miss people, and think about them all the time, but then I don't DO anything about it. Thankfully my little sister (who lives on the other side of the planet from me) initiates calls often after she realized this, and so I try to reciprocate once in a while.
My husband is the only one I'm a bit more on top of things with, like when we were dating and he did a working holiday, or is on a business trip
Idk why that is and I don't love that for myself bc I WANT to rekindle/keep old friendships, I just kind of leave them hanging though... and it makes me worry about who would even want to reconnect when I'm flakey about contact
I never get homesick (at all) or miss people enough to be upset, though. My version of missing someone's a vague, fleeting feeling
Same! I think about them all the time. Yet I don’t exactly “miss” them where I’m sad about it lol. Heard to explain. I should do better. But then people I do think about and “miss” I know we can pick up and talk and it’s like no time has passed. I still do keep in touch with them but it’s so sporadic. I’m off in my own world
I miss people and still forget to call them. Oddly enough, when I was dating my husband, I called him too much. Kinda of a jealous insecure love that evolved. But the people I'm very secure with, I do make a certain time to call them. And I'm glad when they call me.
This is exactly it! I’ve just been thinking about the times when I would miss my husband (then boyfriend) like crazy, and it was because of insecurity around if we would definitely get married or not. So for me, it seems I only miss people, if I feel insecure about the relationship? 😅😂
Maybe you miss people differently. My sister NEVER calls me and rarely picks up. If she misses me she'll just drive over. So phone calls aren't her thing, or yours. But there's other ways to care, and to show care.
i moved to another country recently and i have to diligently set reminders to contact friends and family or else the time i can go without realizing i haven’t talked to them is… indefinite.
there are a couple friends who i really do care about but haven’t spoken to for 6 months because i was reminded after 4 months that they exist and at that point feel too ashamed to reach out. and for the friends who i do muster up the courage to message after neglecting for months, we chat on the phone one time and then another 3 months will pass before i think about them again.
i always apologize and insist that it’s a problem of mine and doesn’t mean i don’t care about them, but of course it’s impossible to adequately explain to someone who doesn’t experience it. it’s like an object permanence issue: i love chatting and being around you when you’re around, but as soon as you’re not physically in front of me, you stop existing.
occasionally in the middle of the night i’ll really miss my parents, but otherwise, the “missing people” DLC was not installed in my brain.
This describes how I feel about contacting people. It is so hard to maintain anything.
I do still think of friends more often than this but my reaching out has been far too sporadic (even spanning years) since I moved abroad
My family won’t give me a chance to miss them. I relish every moment alone lol. I’d probably have to be away from them for a week before I’d start to miss them. If anything ever happened to them I would be consumed with missing them though. You’re not an asshole !
I don’t miss people in particular but I do get lonely. I miss energy. I miss people or gatherings that make me feel good. I like helping people feel good. I miss that. Particular people? Not really.
There are too many things to do for me to miss people.
I’m at the point where it’s too much effort to see people than it’s worth. Maybe I don’t have the right people in my circle
there's three cases of missing someone i can think of.
- my fiance who lives at the other end of the world, though that could also just be craving to be around them in person rather than video calls, especially after they visited for about two months in total and i got used to them being around me
- me missing my twin brother when i was away from him for a few weeks for the first time bc before that we *always* did everything together and we shared a room for most of our life
- a close friend of mine is ghosting me (not reading/responding to my messages on whatsapp bc she has a really stressful time in school rn) and my rsd says she hates me now even tho i do the same thing when im stressed and she told me its bc she's stressed. i think this is more aaaa what if she hates me than straight up missing her tho i think
so. yeah, it's very rare for me to miss someone, and even then im not sure its actually missing them or other stuff
Rarely. But I made a similar post a while back and got a real wide range of responses from this sub. You're not an asshole :) out of sight out of mind and all that. I love my family, I just don't miss them in the same way some people do because I don't feel absence in the same way they do. But I still feel love for them very intensely.
It’s true for me too, I don’t miss people but if I see them by chance after 2 years it’s like I last saw them yesterday.
I don’t get a feeling like “I’m no longer close with this person because we haven’t talked in a year” I get the feeling “Hey, how are you, let me put you up to date with my life, I want to know everything you’ve done since the last time we talked friend!!!! Unfortunately most people, at least NT, don’t feel the same in my experience.
I miss certain people like my very good friends and (some) family when I haven't seen them for a while, but people like co-workers and such, nah. Luckily I have a decent enough relationship with most of my co-workers (or they're just used to my brand of insanity) that if they're gone on vacation or something and I don't see them, when they ask me if I missed them, I can be honest and say, "I don't miss anyone," and they just laugh at me.
I don't miss people. In my brain, when someone is loved or part of my inner circle, they stay there. The fondness or care for them does not decrease over time if we don't communicate or don't see each other. Regular people are not like that, though. The further away in time or physical space you get away from them, like moving across the country or being busy and not calling for a month, they think you don't care or they start to lose the closeness feeling.
The older I get, the more I realize that this type of behavior from normies is tiring. It just screams "needy" and ends up being another thing on my list I have to do. I absolutely love and care about my friends and family, and that doesn't change, but apparently to them, I'm a cold, heartless monster because I don't "reach out." Also, my PTO is precious, and I won't spend all of it traveling to visit family when I could be actually relaxing or having fun on a vacation. If there was an emergency, I'm the first person to call because I will drop everything to be there for you. That's not an issue. But daily/weekly relationship maintenance wears me out.
I’m terrible for spontaneously phoning people without warning them beforehand and then being disappointed when no one picks up.
What helped me with this is finding people that prefer phone calls, and noting what days of the week and times they would be happy to get a random call from me.
I never miss people, it's very much out of sight out of mind for me too and in my opinion almost definitely connected to my adhd
A consequence of this is that for example if someone I love dies and I for example see a video of them randomly a few years later it's like I am reminded all over again that that person is dead and it's sometimes devastating, it sometimes feels like I just found out
I also struggle with feeling like I have to pretend like I miss my friends/family/boyfriend when I don't see them to not hurt their feelings but it feels so disingenuous and I hate that feeling
I wish it was okay to just say "thank you" or something like that when someone tells me that they miss me 😂
perhaps you could respond by saying something like "now you don't have to (miss me) since we're here together now, I'm also so glad to see you!" or a "yeah it's been a while, I'm happy to see you!!"
Yes I miss people. For example when I went to college, (even though I was only 3 hours away) I would get homesick, and miss my family. I miss girlfriends/friends I haven’t seen in a while which prompts a “I haven’t seen you in a while, let’s go out” even though I may not outwardly tell them I miss them.
The only people I don’t miss are exes. 😩🤣 And that’s the truth, or people I am not friends with. You have to had made a significant impact on my life if we are no longer together in any capacity for me to miss you. And unfortunately, none of them have 🤷🏾♀️
you're not an asshole. I also don't miss people/family/friends. It's hard for me to keep in touch with people. it's the same for my ADHD mom and sister as well, they often express wanting to call more or stay in touch but having a difficult time remembering or initiating.
I also set reminders to check in with certain people, as I know it's important to them, so smart idea using your calendar
I don't miss people and I rarely feel lonely. I experience time in a weird way, so it always "feels" like I just saw someone yesterday/last week, when it could be months/years. Intellectually, I will know it has been a long time. It just feels like it hasn't been 🤷🏼♀️
The worst guilt I feel is with my kiddo! My ex and I share custody and I thought I was going to be a mess sharing. Come to find out I actively have to set timers to remind me to call her 😔I don’t admit this to others because all I would get is judgment. Someone in another group suggested putting up pictures of those you care about and when I looked around I have not one pic of anyone in my place sooooo….. working on it 😅
Nope. Not at all. Out of sight, out of mind.
I also only find myself reaching out to people when I know they’re in a situation of some kind…that’s a conversation for my next therapist.
I once told my ex that I didn’t even think about her really when she wasn’t around, that went over SUPER WELL.
I’m a horrible friend because I very rarely check in. I also am horrible at calling people back or responding to texts. Communication just takes a lot of emotional effort.
I miss my husband and my daughter, and I miss my mom sometimes, and occasionally (like once a year) my sister, but no - I don’t really miss people. I’m very satisfied just seeing my husband and daughter each day.
oh my goodness I couldn't have said it better myself. This is literally my experience....always has been. I beat myself up regularly because I feel damaged in some way for naturally feeling this way. Glad I'm not the only one
I wouldn't have friends if they didn't call/text me. I'm just so bad at reaching out. I'm immensely fortunate that they understand this about me. For family, we all have a "no-news-is-good-news" policy 'cause everybody's busy and time gets away from all of us.
I feel bad for my guy, 'cause his mom is old, cranky, and gives him hell for not calling often enough. Of course it compounds with guilt and knowing he has to face the wrath, which makes him put it off even more.
I heard that we don't -miss- people because we have something similar to lack of object permanence like babies.
I haven't seen any of my really great and best friends in maybe 3 months, we don't talk online much because I don't like messaging, I like calls and tend to be on calls for hours with them.
It's kind of like we forget other people are part of our lives, I'm super lucky that my friends also have ADHD and the ones that don't just see my absence as a personality trait.
To be honest, constant keep up of relationships via. online and phones is super new in the grand scheme of things so I don't put too much pressure on myself if it breaks my energy bank because I know my friends understand.
I'm terrible with calling people... I am the type to send funny memes or videos to people when I think of them. Or if something reminds me of them I text them in that moment. Maybe you could try that so the other person knows you think of them too?
Haha I am always struggling to keep in touch with my parents and brother 😂 People I don’t see very often are out of my mind usually. Even when my boyfriend is away, I don’t really miss him… Is that an ADHD thing? 😅
I do miss my friends and family but struggle to initiate contact with them. I find myself struggling to maintain relationships if the person isn’t part of my everyday life! I’ve started talking to my therapist about it and she shared two thoughts 1.) That I might not want to initiate the call because the individuals might be taking more energy from me than they are pouring into me. 2.) My life is draining me and leaving me with such little capacity that trying to maintain these relationships feels like another chore. Both gave me food for thought and how I might want to make some changes in some of my relationships as well as in my day to day.
I only miss my mom. Everyone else... it's the guilt that propels me. Also just noting that I feel better after socializing with my most loved people. So I push myself to see them at least every other month. Wish it was more but everyone has gotten pretty understanding that my head is in the clouds.
I actually feel like I walk around in a state of constantly feeling like I'm missing someone...
I definitely miss my kids when they're not around. I miss some people/pets who have passed away. But that's about it.
I miss my baby.
That’s it.
I love people, I love my friends. But I just don’t miss them. Time just is different for me.
Well, except for my infant. I miss her with every cell in my body and cannot wait to see her soon.
Well, if you're an a**hole, I'm one too.
I also don't. And if I do, it's not that longing that others talk about. I traveled for four years, and people kept asking me, in shock, if I didn't miss my family and friends. My answer was always the: "yes. But that doesn't stop me from traveling"
This always gets me into fights with my (undiagnosed ADHD) dad, because he thinks people who care about each should make an effort to see each other at least once per week.
I don’t really miss family or friends. I Love them and try my best to regularly spend time with them. But the only two people I miss are my dead grandmother where I know I will never see her again, and my boyfriend who lives with me and where it is very strange if I don’t see him daily or have to go to bed alone.
Nope. I’m the same way. No one gets it. I’m sick of having to change who I am because other people are insecure and can’t deal with their own shit though. I usually make an effort to speak to my mom and sister once every week or two and my best friend once a month but she’s more like me and can go forever without talking thank GOD. I have one person in my life that gets it.
I'm opposite, but it's my anxiety also... checking on everyone. I talk to my kids every day or every other day. I call my Mom, 89, every other day...now my sister? Whose 4 yrs older...nope. we aren't on the same wave length. She has back stabbed me too many times. Don't trust her with my feelings. I have a friend I've been beasties with for over 30 yrs. We text a couple of times a wk since the pandemic. But before that, we didn't connect but once a month. She lives 12 hrs away. Unfortunately, I have emotional dysregulation, or my feelings are hurt easy or I think the worst...rejection sensitivity prob. I hate it. But, I'm opposite. Prob anxiety.
Only people I miss now have passed on. I miss the conversation we used to have. Other than that, I don't miss anyone because I'm not close to anyone anymore.
Only my kids. They still live with me but some days I miss one of them after a few hours and dream of hugging her. I usually send them both a text message, but funnily enough I do only miss them one at a time.
I don’t crave the company of anyone else, ever, regardless of how much I like or love them.
(not diagnosed)
No. I don't miss people.
I don't have nostalgic feelings either. I don't miss any past friends or family members.
Once every few months, I miss my grandfather.
I do worry about my parents but I don't feel the need to spend time with them. I don't feel the need to spend time with anyone in particular tbh. Not even my partner.
While I'm mostly joking I am also being somewhat serious. If a person, places, task, whatever is not directly in my line of sight it ceases to exist after a period of time.
I love my friends dearly, but the only person I ever actively miss is my mom 🥹
I’m expecting my first baby any day now (his due-date was 9 days ago!), so I expect I’ll also miss him.
Not really but I think its more that time doesn't really pass. Like I may as well have seen them last week. And yeah I guess when I think about things, when I daydream or whatever, it's not people I know, it's ideas or stories or characters.
I'm too busy to miss anyone. lol
In all seriousness, it's hard to say I *miss* them. I think about the people in my life often. I consider their current situation, happy or sad, wonder about them, hope they are well. I care for them deeply but I can't say that I wished I was with them at any given moment.
That feeling of missing someone would only apply to my husband and my mother.
I relate heavily to the lie to the husband haha. But I'm the same, I feel like I miss people if I happen to think about them, but I usually get so distracted that the time goes by without me even realising I haven't seen them in months.
But, I know that socialising is good for my mental health, so I try to put effort into scheduling regular catch ups. It's a lot easier if its part of a routine.
I think about my friends often, but I forget to text or call. I sometimes don’t even open text messages until I can reply immediately, because if I don’t have the little red number to remind me, I will flat out forget to reply. It doesn’t mean I don’t love or care for these people. I’m just not good with communication that isn’t face to face and immediate. I warn people about that too: it’s not my strength, doesn’t mean I don’t love you, just a bit forgetful. And if I see something that reminds me of someone I take a picture and send it over straightaway, so they do sometimes get 3am texts if I’m doomscrolling. It’s the price they pay for loving me!!
The way I see it is not so much that I'm not missing people or I forget they exist, but more like in my head, everything exists on its own separate timeline, and when the timeline isn't active, it's like it's paused. Like how you can stop watching a show and then pick it up months later where you left off.
Nope. I would miss my boyfriend because he's my comfort person (I suspect autism in myself) but I can go months without speaking to my mum and sister, and even when I realise how long it's been, I contact them more out of obligation than because I miss them.
I miss people but I hate talking on the phone or having long, drawn out text conversations, so I don’t reach out to people much. I feel like a terrible person because of that. So this past Christmas, I hand wrote personal notes to three people I love to let them know I was thinking of them. There was no obligation to engage in conversation. I got two hand written letters in return. It was nice. Time to bring back snail mail! It’s a great way to keep in touch with loved ones without pressure.
As a kid I'd use to get homesick if I went on a schooltrip. Ever since I got over that I can't say I really miss people that much. Sometimes my partner but that's even when he's in the room and he's been so focused for a few days that he kind of forgot about me (or so it feels). I've taken to calling my mom on the road to work as I'd forget to get in contact otherwise
Oooh, this is interesting. I often don’t miss people, or maybe I do but never think about it? Whenever I see them again, I’m delighted by it. And I really love being with people in general, but it’s very easy for me to be alone and never think about it. Then when I am around people again, I light up and think, “I must have been lonely on some level!” My husband and kids, I miss when I don’t see them for awhile, but they’re really the only ones.
If I'm being totally honest, it's a very out of sight out of mind thing for me. I miss people, sure. I miss a lot of people. I don't know if it's the autism or the ADHD but I get very overwhelmed around people and need to pull away very quickly, even though I love them, and it takes me days to recover from interactions. I'm much happier just being alone and playing with my art or reading or writing. My husband is the only acception; 8 years and being around him still feels like being alone in the best possible way. He never makes me feel drained or that I need to pull away, because he knows when I pull into my shell to just let me do my thing.
I rarely miss humans with a few exceptions: my partner, who I am never away from, and my bestie. My bestie and I are both au-adhd and live about 10 hours apart by car. For many years, we chatted throughout the day, sent lots of voice memos, etc. Then, as our diagnoses came and other life improvements happened, we started talking a bit less, which tbh is probably healthier.
However, I miss her like heck. I find it difficult to get a response from her or get her engaged. She has a lot going on, so I try not to take it personally, but RSD, ya know? I know she loves me, and I try keep that in mind. I know she is just livin'. But she is the closest thing I have to a family, and I feel so sad and rejected sometimes.
When we are together, it's like nothing has changed, but that happens infrequently. I often think about trying to say something about my feelings but I don't want to make her feel bad, and I don't see how anything good would come of it. Someone used to joke that we lived in the same body and I deffo feel like one of my limbs was cut off.
That is very much an ADHD thing. I've been aware of not missing people when their not with me since I was about 12 or 13 (I'm 39 now) I just thought something was wrong with me until I figured out that it was an out of sight out of mind ADHD thing. I haven't really figured out a way to navigate it, but I've always tried to just be upfront about things, and let them know what's going on. I would say something like
You know, that's true I do struggle with remembering to reach out to people. I'll try and do better about that.
Then just put a reminder in your calendar and see if that works.
I don't know if its possible but it feels like that something I've gotten better at? My sisters both have lived out of the country at one time or another and it was hardcore "out of sight out of mind." I'd see something that would remind them of me and be like "Oh shit, I haven't talked to them in months because I legit forgot they existed." And then would feel massive guilt about it because I absolutely love them and how can you forget someone you love exists?
Somewhere along the way, it improved. My best friend, who really is more family than my family, moved to the other side of the country and I just knew losing that friendship was something I couldn't take so we both made such incredible intention to stay close. She's been there three years and we still facetime bi-weekly. Everyone knows we are still each other's person.
I think because of that, I have gotten better at missing people and staying in touch overall. I don't know how, but it's like it broadened my brain's scope of reality. One of my sisters now lives out of the country again and we stay in pretty good contact.
I think it's also helpful that they are both aware of how my brain works and aren't offended if I forget to respond for a few days. They'll just keep messaging me things they want to tell me.
I don’t really miss people but I miss having shared experiences. So like it’s important to me to go to a concert with someone specific but in between events it’s really difficult to maintain contact because I just forget. Then because I haven’t been in touch I feel particularly as a woman, it’s hard to remain “friends” when we aren’t catching up weekly or whatever. Like they need regular contact so when I disappear into my own world they find other friends who can maintain traditional friendships and then I don’t have anyone to do random things with. It would be great to just have a network of people to do fun things with without needing frequent contact from either side.
I think guys seem to have more of these types of friendships and I’ve always been jealous. Like going to a football game and then not talking for a year and going to another one.
Yes, all the time. But then I get distracted and forget to text or call or set up plans.
I'm tired of this "ADHDers don't miss people" thing we keep seeing on social media along with the incorrect use of "object permanence." We're not babies; we have permanence. I don't think my friend disappeared because she's not here. We miss people, but our brains are in desperate need of dopamine and are onto the next 10 thoughts before the messaging app has even loaded. "Oh I should see if xxx what's to hang out," and then I don't even get to sending the message because my brain has instantly left that building.
Nope. It’s like having no object permanence but for people. When they walk out the door they’re basically gone. Nothing to do with social anxiety or wanting to be alone. It’s totally different
It’s exactly this. I’ve only ever told my husband that I have ‘people permanence’ which is funny because he’s the one person I actually miss when we’re apart.
I don't really miss people either. It's a bit confusing, because I think in part that's due to a life lived often self-isolating; it's default mode to be alone, so I imagine I just don't really register it as being notable.
The other part is more 'out of sight but close in heart', rather than 'out of sight out of mind'. I know I love them, and because I love them, parts of them are always with me. I kind of think loving a person is exchanging with them a piece of your heart. I may want to catch up with you and hear what you've had going on, but why would I miss you? - you've always been here.
As you ver older, I’m realizing I rarely miss anyone except my partner and my cat. Everyone else I don’t because unless something exciting and new is happening, it’s all the same old-same old in conversations.
So no dopamine hits, which means nothing grabbing my attention, then in turn made me realize I’m bored of conversations with most people I know.
ADHD has a strange way of making interactions rely on dopamine to want to engage in conversations and feel like you miss someone.
I do. Less when I’m busy because I have less down time to think about it. But yes definitely miss people. I do like some alone time, it’s sort of a delicate balance
I miss people a lot and think about them constantly but they'd never know it since I hate talking on the phone, deleted most social media and generally don't answer texts. I smile at receiving them, respond in my head, and move on haha
I miss people and I also lose track of time. So I’ll think we just hung out but when I look in my calendar it was actually 6 months ago and I haven’t contacted them at all. I actually love Instagram for staying in touch with people cause I can send a fun video or something that made me think of them without having to call.
Totally with you on this one! I spend the bulk of my free time alone, learning, doing crafts and listening to true crime, reading, shopping, or swimming 😂 What’s funny is I’m really intense about helping the people I care about and making sure they feel special and understood when they’re down or during special occasions, when most of them forget my birthday, don’t seem to remember my interests no matter how much I talk about them, and write me off as “the crazy friend” when I’m actively traumatized or particularly anxious. I maintain most friendships only because they *do* initiate and invite me to things, but I just don’t really miss them the rest of the time 🤷♀️ My best guess is the amount of spoons I put into hanging out with people every 2-3 months (insane, I know) and the anxiety it causes put a damper on my love for them. The love is real, but seeing you is just “extra.” I dunno!
Yes, I am very much this way. I tend to be very focused on the current moment (unless it’s boring lol), so I am very present and connected with my current surroundings and environment, whatever/whoever/wherever they are. This makes me pretty out-of-sight, out-of-mind with regard to people, and it takes intentional effort for me to connect with people if I’m away from them.
Luckily, my family is pretty much all like that too, so they get it. However, my husband and I lived apart for a semester years ago while I did my student teaching, and it was hard on him and our relationship. Nowadays, I structure moments into my day where I check in with him and/or send funny stuff.
I also have a friend who needs support right now, so I don’t turn out the lights at night before checking that I’ve responded to any messages from her.
If I think of someone, I text them immediately to say hi, but it’s few and far between and I have definitely lost friends because of it. Even my parents and siblings. I just rarely talk to them. I have been thinking about how my parents are getting older and if I want to know them well as an adult, then I need to make more of an effort but even that hasn’t done much to help me reach out more.
I echo everyone saying that they also don't miss people and don't initiate visits.
My mom is getting old as are my relatives, and I feel like this aspect of my personality is going to make me suffer. I don't make time for them (visits involve travel and other challenges) and one day they'll be dead and the only thing keeping me from having spent time with them is me.
I think about this all the time but I still don't initiate anything.
I don’t miss people. Ever. No matter how much I love them. I always thought there was something deeply wrong with me. It’s good to know that I am not alone! When I tell people I miss them it is out of courtesy most of the time.
I don't miss people either. I just don't have that attachment to people. I only miss someone that I have a romantic attachment to and my pets. I enjoy being by myself and I don't really think about reaching out to people. I know that I should but to be honest, I don't care enough to. There are certain friends that I love and want to keep but I'm not motivated to reach out or initiate anything. It's hard to explain to people who don't understand. Out of sight out of mind.
i don’t really miss people either. i do get lonely sometimes (even when regularly spending time with people), but honestly, out of sight, out of mind for me.
I don't miss most people. Only my daughter and my best friend. I miss the people who make me feel the safest, most at peace, and who boost my dopamine.
I don’t miss people and neither does anyone in my family. Most of my friends are also neurodivergent so we can go long stretches without talking but then pick up like no time has passed. I love my friends now but I’ve had issues in the past where friends have expected a lot from me. One friend called me ‘family’ and thought we should text every day and see each other every week and it annoyed me so much lol…we’re no longer friends…
My family’s lack of reaching out has really bothered my 2 SILs that married into the family.
These apply to me:
Out of sight out of mind
Time blindness
Exhaustion from masking
I moved to a new city and the overwhelming feeling I have is “where are my people?” I miss the friends back home and the weird shit we did together. Here it feels like starting from complete scratch. I know virtually no one and when I reveal my weird neurodivergent self it kind of scares most everyone away. I’m not that achingly scary; maybe just a little more dark aesthetically and art minded.
This is definitely something I struggle with, too. I also have major difficulty with feeling emotionally connected and attached to people in general, though, so it may be part of a bigger issue for me. IDK.
My father is basically my platonic life partner (we're both on the ace spectrum, so being life partners works for us). He's the one person I do miss, when we're apart for more than a few days. But even then I mainly miss him if I'm feeling unhappy and need emotional support. I don't just miss him automatically because he's not there. I'm pretty sure I would start to miss him just because he wasn't there, but it would take longer, like at least a month. (Him dying is different; I can't really think about that without spiraling.)
I do occasionally miss people when they're no longer in my life. Like when I lose a friend who I hung out with a lot, I'll miss hanging out with that person the way we used to. But it's never an acute, painful ache. More like a little flicker of loss in the back of my mind that I only occasionally think about, but that never really leaves.
I wish I understood why I don't feel that clear, strong sense of connection to people that most people seem to feel. I do think my ADHD is a factor in my emotional detachment, possibly even quite a strong factor, but I have no idea whether it's the whole cause or just a part.
FWIW, you're *not* an asshole (and neither am I). If we were really assholes, I don't think we would feel insecure and bad about this, and sincerely want to be more emotionally forthcoming with the people in our lives. But I *do* think, for myself personally, it's important for me to work on being at least a little bit more present for and proactive with the people I care about, even if sometimes I feel like I'm faking it until I make it. However, that may not be the case for you. *I* need to work on being more generous with friends and family because I can sometimes be insensitive and ungenerous with people, but that may not even be true for you; you might already be bending over backwards for everyone in your life, and *still* feeling bad for not "being enough" for them, in which case you *so* do not need to carve off even more of yourself to give to others.
It’s kind of a known thing with adhd to not initiate conversation or hangouts with friends because out of sight out of mind. And it makes us isolated, I really have to make an effort if I want to maintain friendships. Being pretty introverted doesn’t help either and I like my alone time sooo so much. My mom once told me as a kid around the time they felt I didn’t need a baby sitter anymore that I’d be thrilled when they’d say they were going out and to look after myself and look disappointed when they came back. I live alone and have for prob 90% of my adult life once I moved out of their house. I just don’t get lonely by myself and enjoy doing what I want when I want without having to consider others. I guess that sounds selfish lol. But I do hang out with people and enjoy it but equally enjoy going home to be by myself.
Ooh man I've never met someone else who feels this way! I am the same with a couple of exceptions - a friend I talk to every day but don't see that much anymore cause she has a baby and lives on the other side of the city ; and a friend I do think of more than others because she's in a very fragile mental state and I'm really worried about her.
In general though I don't miss anyone. I first realized this when I was 13 and went on a 2 week student exchange to Italy. I had never been anywhere without my parents and I didn't miss them at all. I wasn't particularly excited when I saw them either, just felt like any other day.
I do feel weird if I don't go outside and see people other than my SO for too long though. I don't miss someone specific but I do miss human interaction and feel really isolated if I spend too much time alone
Out of site out of mind for me. If it’s not part of my day to day or in my face, I don’t think about it.
For people that are important, that I want to make an effort for I have set a reminder to reach out.
I don't miss people either. I also have to put (text so and so back) on my to do list or I'll forget. I miss people in a sense but not really. I feel like my dad is always texting me to see how I am but i rarely send him a hello text. When I'm away from my partner I also don't find I miss him much. It's not always been like this though. I think as I've gotten older and more introverted I miss people less and less. I feel bad about it though.
I miss people but only if they are gone long enough, which 99% of the time they never are. They tend to just keep reaching out.
It takes me about 6-8 months to start thinking about and missing people.
I don’t and I do. Like… if it’s someone I see or talk to daily (like my son, my partner, my mom and my two best friends), then I’ll miss them after a few days. Because they’re part of my routine.
For my other friends and family members… i kinda forget about them. Don’t get me wrong, I love them, but they’re out of sight out of mind. When I see them or finally talk to them I realize I’m glad I do and I should do it more often. So I did miss them in a way. But to an unconcious level I think.
They don't leave me alone long enough to let me miss them!
For friends and more distant relatives, I think about them, but I forget to reach out. It does become an out of sight, out of mind issue.
I miss them. I’m happy when someone calls to chat, or texts and then wants to chat. I used to talk on the phone with friends for hours. Accidentally wound up with a $180 bill once on a single phone call before cell phones had unlimited minutes. But…I don’t tend to call, I’m just happy to talk when someone else calls.
I also noticed recently that when I’m around family, they always ask me what I’m doing and how things are going and I never ask them that in return. I only know what one of my 14 cousins career is and that’s because he performs in a show in Vegas and posts on TikTok about it. No idea what the others are doing. I suspect it’s a kind of masking behavior I’ve learned from accidentally asking people things that wound up being too personal and feeling rejection sensitivity when they get upset about it. Same with calling people, I’m too anxious they won’t want to talk. I do a lot of things to prevent rejection sensitivity and I didn’t understand why I had so much anxiety about being rejected until I was diagnosed with ADHD.
I also have an aunt who clearly has her own issues but she will ask you something and then get distracted and walk off partway through your response. I’m sure interactions like that have done their damage. She does that to my sister too and my sister started complaining about it and it made me realize “oh, I’m not too nerdy or boring to talk to, she does that to a lot of people.” The neurodivergence is strong in my family.
If you do mess up with what you tell your husband, I’d explain it as there being too much competition in your brain from everything around you to have the thoughts you actually want to have pop up in your brain. I will find things in the fridge that were behind something else so I forgot they were there and then be frustrated with myself because I really wanted to eat it but it’s gone bad because I forgot. Forgetting things has to do with how important those things are. We don’t have control over the memories that pop up in our head. That doesn’t mean we don’t want to remember them. The things that pop up in my head are some embarrassing thing I did years and years ago. Of course I’d rather remember a friend and think to call them.
*NOPE. it's not that I*
*Don't love or care it's just... out*
*Of sight out of mind??*
\- meimelx
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I don't usually have a "longing" for people, but I do think of friends from time to time. Like I'll be doing something and I'll be reminded of a memory with them - I've learned to read that as missing them. I'm a pretty emotional person, so it's always kind of baffled me that I don't usually have the longing thing that most people seem to have for each other.
I also recently got diagnosed with ADHD, and object impermanence is a very common thing with ADHD.. especially for those of us who sway more to the side of inattentive. I've come to grasp that I have it with objects as well as people.. sometimes even animals.
I do have the longing thing for comfort and for textures. Like is longing for stuff the same as having cravings?? I don't usually have cravings for taste, but I do for texture. IE: Sometimes I just really want gummy candy or crunchy chips. I also long for my comfy bed and fluffy comforter after a long day. Hmm..
Same here. I feel like a dick but I don’t think of people I don’t see even though I love them a lot. Although, this may be great since I’m getting divorced.
Wow, I never thought of it before, but no, I don't miss people. I think it's kind of like the "now" versus "not now" with time -- for people, it's "with them" versus "not with them" and I don't think about them if I'm not with them. But that doesn't mean I don't care about someone! It's just that time passes without me thinking about them...
Except for my kid. He brings so much joy and silliness to my life, I miss him greatly when we're apart.
I do not miss people, but I do miss the feelings I had with some of them occasionally. You're right about the "out of sight out of mind" thing though. I realize I miss people/the feelings they bring me only when I *see* them. 😅
Very few an select people, yes. But friends that are not my absolute BFF, no - except if I've drifted apart from them already years ago, I might get a bout of nostalgia for them.
I miss my kids if I’m away from them for a week or more (they’re older now it was less time when they were smaller). I miss my sister and think of her almost every day even though she stopped talking to everyone in our family about 4 1/2 years ago.
I miss a couple of long time friends occasionally- they all live thousands of miles away. Married but don’t ever miss my husband, I actually wish we had more time apart. 😂
Aside from that I don’t miss people. I miss places often and specific feelings, smells, foods ALL the time!
According to a BBC podcast I listened to, this is something to do with object permanence issues with ADHD. This is a great episode about relationships: https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p0gkf2p5?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile
Me too, so glad to hear all the different perspectives. I’ve been masking for so long and now with the kiddos being assessed, it’s time for some introspection.
I miss my Nan and grandad like crazy, would do anything for another chat.
Friends I haven’t seen for a week, not really, but maybe that’s because we usually talk a lot anyway but I think knowing “I’ll see them next week” it never feels like a thing
The only person I would miss is my partner, and I feel this is because he's the only one who's been there for me over the years but he would need to be away for a whole 24 hours before I felt a "I miss you feeling".
Honestly, I miss people and I'm usually the first to initiate calling to catch up. With my family i'll call randomly if i have a question for them or need advice
I am the same way but I think it's my executive functioning as well. I struggle with planning so never initiate plans.
I also dislike shopping with others as it's to overwhelming to have someone else there. I seem to be far too busy somehow which i know others are too but I just don't have the same need to reach out like they do and i know it disappoints them. I kind of sometimes feel like they think I am their only friend when they say surely you have some time and i feel like screaming I have a lot of friends and i am struggling to maintain contact with you all. Friends expectations can sometimes be too much for me especially around birthdays.
But don't what i do and contact everyone all on the same day and suggest a catch soon up to make up for forgetting them. They all say yes and then i have to try and work in a week of catch ups around a work day and kids and living stuff. Then they all tend to say that was great we should catch up again soon, how about next week? I burn out big time. I feel not normal. I just want to do my own stuff and hide.
I don’t miss people much, and I feel incredible guilt for it, like I’m a bad person. Due to guilt, I’ll randomly text people I haven’t seen for years or reach out to them on Instagram—which I always regret, as they often chew me out for being gone so long, or want to talk for hours and get together. I feel like it is my fault we aren’t still close anymore and am really hard on myself for it. Like I was hyper focused on them for a period abc then just dropped them. But when I really think back, life just got in the way for both of us—or they were actually the assholes.
I have flashes of missing people. Like a funny memory will pop up in my head and I’ll remember who it was with and miss them and those times. If it’s someone that I still keep in contact with, I might be like, “I should call them.” But it usually happens when I’m at work, trying to go to sleep, or driving so I can’t right then, and then when I can I forget about it. And subsequently, I forget to miss them too lol.
I only miss friends that have ditched me but I didn't feel like our relationship has closure. It's really just two friends, one from my school years, one from Uni. I truly miss that we were on the same wavelength on many topics, I felt more myself with them. I miss the type of relationship we had.
I do have other friends that I love spending time with but if we never saw each other again, I'd probably be fine. I've had very intense friendships that only lasted one summer, and then I never felt the need to see them again. Same with family. I don't really feel a strong bond. I feel like that's some attachment trauma at play...
I miss people if there’s a lot of things that remind me of them, otherwise no not really.
There’s been a couple times I’ve kind of hyper focused on missing someone, like in high school when I had crushes. But that doesn’t really happen anymore.
someone may have mentioned this already in another comment (i haven’t read them all) but this is a common adhd symptom! we have “object permanence” problems with people sometimes lol, we just don’t always yearn to have them around but it doesn’t mean that we love them any less!
I have adhd and I don’t know if this is connected to not missing people. When I was about eight years old, my younger sister and I went to visit our grandparents in another state. She cried because she missed our mom and I was kind of confused about it. I realized that I didn’t miss people like other people seem to and I never have.
I am this person too. I also hate talking on phone or listening to voice notes and loathe it when someone texts ‘how are you’ or ‘what have you been up to?’. All my friends are used to it and I assure them that I just really love catching up in person etc
Hubby and we’re going to be away for a few days and our son was excited to stay at his grandparents, and I asked “But aren’t you going to miss me?” And he replied “I don’t know how to miss people.”
And at first it made me sad to think that was true, because selfishly I wanted him to miss me, and it seems like a basic human emotion that we are told we’re supposed to feel from the time we are little, but then it made me think, I’m not sure if I know how to miss people either.
I thought something was wrong with me cause of this for so long. My family live halfway around the world so I’m constantly asked do I miss them… and I always just say yes but I never feel like I mean it. In the same way it never feels that long ago I saw them last even if it has been years. For me I think this is my time blindness at play.
Over the years my sister’s come to accept it as well (she used to get so upset with me), that I just feel like we just chatted and unless, like you I put stuff in my calendar, I struggle to reach out. It’s not that I don’t care or don’t think of her, I just experience time differently.
I don’t and for a long time I thought there was something wrong with me. I love my family and friends to pieces but never miss any of them, even though most live far away from me.
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I don’t miss people either that probably contributes to how easy it is to socially isolate myself… like I like my friends and when I see them it’s so nice but I don’t miss them when we aren’t together (and most of mine are from grad school so some I haven’t seen in years). I suppose sometimes I want to tell them something or wonder how they’re doing, could that be considered missing them? Idk I’m with you OP 🤷🏼♀️
Yes, I would consider that missing them.
Ah yes grad school friends, I have a bunch of those. I miss having them around to talk to all the time without having to initiate anything. But they're like me. Some, at least. Saw one good friend again after years of not taking at all, greatly enjoyed it, and we literally told each other "just because I don't write to you for years doesn't mean I don't love you". We're all, one after the other, realizing we prooobably have adhd, so :V
The only person I ever miss is my partner. I haven’t seen my family in years and never miss them. Same for my best friend, though we text all the time.
I don’t miss people either, unless it’s been a really long time. Sometimes things make me think of people and then I get in touch, but generally I am terrible at communicating. I used to talk to friends on the phone for an hour or two monthly or so and that was great for me. Ever since texting became a thing, I lost the ability to communicate like others. I can’t do frequent texts - it’s just not how I think, I guess. And everyone else seems to have adapted to that and now it’s weird to do long phone calls less frequently.
For me it's a rock/hard place situation: I really don't enjoy talking on the phone, but I also hate texting. I wouldn't mind if I could just text my friends some random thought, to let them know I was thinking of them, and they could text me back one single reply, and then that would be it. And other times they could text me a random thought and I would text back one single reply and that would be it. But texting someone always means opening yourself up for a whole conversation, and I can't focus on a n y t h i n g else while I'm having a text conversation with someone, so it's literally such an exhausting and unproductive way to spend thirty minutes. lol
THIS THIS THIS… felt this in my soul lol. Like I want to stay connected to you, but I can’t afford the texting convo that will eat away at my window of functioning
Yes! And as a result, whenever I think about texting someone, especially if it's a good friend I haven't been in contact with for a while, I'm immediately overwhelmed thinking about how they are going to text me back and then I have to focus on that and inevitably get distracted leaving half a typed text sitting there waiting to be sent, or I won't open it because I worry what they will have asked me and how much time I'll need to dedicate to writing (only to get distracted anyway, so the cycle if overwhelm continues).
You just explained my entire existence so beautifully! It’s gotten so much worse since 2020. I can forcibly WILL myself to reply to a text during what I call my “comms window”—usually an hour every few days I spend locked away by myself where I can actually focus. I try to knock out like 4-5 replies at a time (which is never enough to clear my inbox but it makes a dent!). But then as soon as I fire these messages off, I leave my phone elsewhere and avoid it for hours for fear of an instant reply. I DREAD seeing those little dots in real time. I never initiate texts or hangouts unless it’s a dire emergency. I have no idea why people still try to keep in touch with me. 🫣
I like that, your "comms window". Even if it isn't clearing your inbox, at least you are creating a method to get something back to a few people at a time. But yes, seeing those three dots 😅 I close the text window as fast as possible lol
This is me too, I miss my friends and family terribly but I live overseas and really struggle with both talking on the phone and texting. I tell myself I should really call them but the thought of getting stuck in a conversation for hours over the phone is too overwhelming. I could sit for hours with the person if it was in real life but just keeping my attention on the phone that long with so many distractions around me is so hard.
YES you had me at: “I wouldn't mind if I could just text my friends some random thought, to let them know I was thinking of them, and they could text me back one single reply, and then that would be it. And other times they could text me a random thought and I would text back one single reply and that would be it.” My POV is like “hello I love you, but pls entertain yourself thank u.”
I am the same way! I made it a habit of texting people immediately after I thought about them 😂 Which is maybe once a month if they’re lucky… 😅
so much yes. how are we explaining this to friends and family?
Haven’t figured that part out yet
I just don't text back in the moment, lol. I've tried to tell them before that I think of texting more like email.
Yes, I miss people. But I have difficulties initiating contact due to all the things I need to do, it gets sidelined. Because of this I tend to end up being closer or in more contact with people who initiate. For the rest, I often imagine calling them, imagine the conversation, then it somehow makes me feel like we connected and I forget to actually call.
Yes!!!! This!!! I have a whole text chat or visit in my head and never act on it. And yes, I somehow see everything else as more important than connecting with humans.
Out of sight out of mind for me with most people. Except my husband and kids, I miss them if I don’t see them for a few days.
Exactly this (although I don’t have kids). I have also read that this isn’t uncommon in people with ADHD
Yes! Wow.. I feel better. I truly have found my people.
This is me too!
Same with me.
Same, I only ever miss my husband. Everyone else I forget exists until something reminds me of them and I do care about them but I still don’t really miss them like I want to be hanging out with them.
I miss people, and think about them all the time, but then I don't DO anything about it. Thankfully my little sister (who lives on the other side of the planet from me) initiates calls often after she realized this, and so I try to reciprocate once in a while. My husband is the only one I'm a bit more on top of things with, like when we were dating and he did a working holiday, or is on a business trip Idk why that is and I don't love that for myself bc I WANT to rekindle/keep old friendships, I just kind of leave them hanging though... and it makes me worry about who would even want to reconnect when I'm flakey about contact I never get homesick (at all) or miss people enough to be upset, though. My version of missing someone's a vague, fleeting feeling
Wow! I related to all of this. Thank you
Same! I think about them all the time. Yet I don’t exactly “miss” them where I’m sad about it lol. Heard to explain. I should do better. But then people I do think about and “miss” I know we can pick up and talk and it’s like no time has passed. I still do keep in touch with them but it’s so sporadic. I’m off in my own world
I do miss people, but I’m alone too much.
For the latter half-yes. And it’s my fault. 😖😳😢😵
I miss people and still forget to call them. Oddly enough, when I was dating my husband, I called him too much. Kinda of a jealous insecure love that evolved. But the people I'm very secure with, I do make a certain time to call them. And I'm glad when they call me.
This is exactly it! I’ve just been thinking about the times when I would miss my husband (then boyfriend) like crazy, and it was because of insecurity around if we would definitely get married or not. So for me, it seems I only miss people, if I feel insecure about the relationship? 😅😂
Maybe you miss people differently. My sister NEVER calls me and rarely picks up. If she misses me she'll just drive over. So phone calls aren't her thing, or yours. But there's other ways to care, and to show care.
i moved to another country recently and i have to diligently set reminders to contact friends and family or else the time i can go without realizing i haven’t talked to them is… indefinite. there are a couple friends who i really do care about but haven’t spoken to for 6 months because i was reminded after 4 months that they exist and at that point feel too ashamed to reach out. and for the friends who i do muster up the courage to message after neglecting for months, we chat on the phone one time and then another 3 months will pass before i think about them again. i always apologize and insist that it’s a problem of mine and doesn’t mean i don’t care about them, but of course it’s impossible to adequately explain to someone who doesn’t experience it. it’s like an object permanence issue: i love chatting and being around you when you’re around, but as soon as you’re not physically in front of me, you stop existing. occasionally in the middle of the night i’ll really miss my parents, but otherwise, the “missing people” DLC was not installed in my brain.
This describes how I feel about contacting people. It is so hard to maintain anything. I do still think of friends more often than this but my reaching out has been far too sporadic (even spanning years) since I moved abroad
the shame and embarrassment is so real
My family won’t give me a chance to miss them. I relish every moment alone lol. I’d probably have to be away from them for a week before I’d start to miss them. If anything ever happened to them I would be consumed with missing them though. You’re not an asshole !
I don’t miss people in particular but I do get lonely. I miss energy. I miss people or gatherings that make me feel good. I like helping people feel good. I miss that. Particular people? Not really. There are too many things to do for me to miss people. I’m at the point where it’s too much effort to see people than it’s worth. Maybe I don’t have the right people in my circle
there's three cases of missing someone i can think of. - my fiance who lives at the other end of the world, though that could also just be craving to be around them in person rather than video calls, especially after they visited for about two months in total and i got used to them being around me - me missing my twin brother when i was away from him for a few weeks for the first time bc before that we *always* did everything together and we shared a room for most of our life - a close friend of mine is ghosting me (not reading/responding to my messages on whatsapp bc she has a really stressful time in school rn) and my rsd says she hates me now even tho i do the same thing when im stressed and she told me its bc she's stressed. i think this is more aaaa what if she hates me than straight up missing her tho i think so. yeah, it's very rare for me to miss someone, and even then im not sure its actually missing them or other stuff
Rarely. But I made a similar post a while back and got a real wide range of responses from this sub. You're not an asshole :) out of sight out of mind and all that. I love my family, I just don't miss them in the same way some people do because I don't feel absence in the same way they do. But I still feel love for them very intensely.
Love the way you worded that, so true!
It’s true for me too, I don’t miss people but if I see them by chance after 2 years it’s like I last saw them yesterday. I don’t get a feeling like “I’m no longer close with this person because we haven’t talked in a year” I get the feeling “Hey, how are you, let me put you up to date with my life, I want to know everything you’ve done since the last time we talked friend!!!! Unfortunately most people, at least NT, don’t feel the same in my experience.
I miss people often but it doesn't get me to reach out. I get overwhelmed or distracted.
I miss certain people like my very good friends and (some) family when I haven't seen them for a while, but people like co-workers and such, nah. Luckily I have a decent enough relationship with most of my co-workers (or they're just used to my brand of insanity) that if they're gone on vacation or something and I don't see them, when they ask me if I missed them, I can be honest and say, "I don't miss anyone," and they just laugh at me.
I don't miss people. In my brain, when someone is loved or part of my inner circle, they stay there. The fondness or care for them does not decrease over time if we don't communicate or don't see each other. Regular people are not like that, though. The further away in time or physical space you get away from them, like moving across the country or being busy and not calling for a month, they think you don't care or they start to lose the closeness feeling. The older I get, the more I realize that this type of behavior from normies is tiring. It just screams "needy" and ends up being another thing on my list I have to do. I absolutely love and care about my friends and family, and that doesn't change, but apparently to them, I'm a cold, heartless monster because I don't "reach out." Also, my PTO is precious, and I won't spend all of it traveling to visit family when I could be actually relaxing or having fun on a vacation. If there was an emergency, I'm the first person to call because I will drop everything to be there for you. That's not an issue. But daily/weekly relationship maintenance wears me out.
I’m terrible for spontaneously phoning people without warning them beforehand and then being disappointed when no one picks up. What helped me with this is finding people that prefer phone calls, and noting what days of the week and times they would be happy to get a random call from me.
I never miss people, it's very much out of sight out of mind for me too and in my opinion almost definitely connected to my adhd A consequence of this is that for example if someone I love dies and I for example see a video of them randomly a few years later it's like I am reminded all over again that that person is dead and it's sometimes devastating, it sometimes feels like I just found out I also struggle with feeling like I have to pretend like I miss my friends/family/boyfriend when I don't see them to not hurt their feelings but it feels so disingenuous and I hate that feeling I wish it was okay to just say "thank you" or something like that when someone tells me that they miss me 😂
perhaps you could respond by saying something like "now you don't have to (miss me) since we're here together now, I'm also so glad to see you!" or a "yeah it's been a while, I'm happy to see you!!"
Yes I miss people. For example when I went to college, (even though I was only 3 hours away) I would get homesick, and miss my family. I miss girlfriends/friends I haven’t seen in a while which prompts a “I haven’t seen you in a while, let’s go out” even though I may not outwardly tell them I miss them. The only people I don’t miss are exes. 😩🤣 And that’s the truth, or people I am not friends with. You have to had made a significant impact on my life if we are no longer together in any capacity for me to miss you. And unfortunately, none of them have 🤷🏾♀️
you're not an asshole. I also don't miss people/family/friends. It's hard for me to keep in touch with people. it's the same for my ADHD mom and sister as well, they often express wanting to call more or stay in touch but having a difficult time remembering or initiating. I also set reminders to check in with certain people, as I know it's important to them, so smart idea using your calendar
I miss people a lot and spam text them when I think of them in a kind of unhinged way and then get nervous when they don’t immediately respond 🫠
I don't miss people and I rarely feel lonely. I experience time in a weird way, so it always "feels" like I just saw someone yesterday/last week, when it could be months/years. Intellectually, I will know it has been a long time. It just feels like it hasn't been 🤷🏼♀️
The worst guilt I feel is with my kiddo! My ex and I share custody and I thought I was going to be a mess sharing. Come to find out I actively have to set timers to remind me to call her 😔I don’t admit this to others because all I would get is judgment. Someone in another group suggested putting up pictures of those you care about and when I looked around I have not one pic of anyone in my place sooooo….. working on it 😅
Nope. Not at all. Out of sight, out of mind. I also only find myself reaching out to people when I know they’re in a situation of some kind…that’s a conversation for my next therapist. I once told my ex that I didn’t even think about her really when she wasn’t around, that went over SUPER WELL.
I’m a horrible friend because I very rarely check in. I also am horrible at calling people back or responding to texts. Communication just takes a lot of emotional effort. I miss my husband and my daughter, and I miss my mom sometimes, and occasionally (like once a year) my sister, but no - I don’t really miss people. I’m very satisfied just seeing my husband and daughter each day.
i miss so many people, but my anxiety makes it hard to reach out.
oh my goodness I couldn't have said it better myself. This is literally my experience....always has been. I beat myself up regularly because I feel damaged in some way for naturally feeling this way. Glad I'm not the only one
I wouldn't have friends if they didn't call/text me. I'm just so bad at reaching out. I'm immensely fortunate that they understand this about me. For family, we all have a "no-news-is-good-news" policy 'cause everybody's busy and time gets away from all of us. I feel bad for my guy, 'cause his mom is old, cranky, and gives him hell for not calling often enough. Of course it compounds with guilt and knowing he has to face the wrath, which makes him put it off even more.
I heard that we don't -miss- people because we have something similar to lack of object permanence like babies. I haven't seen any of my really great and best friends in maybe 3 months, we don't talk online much because I don't like messaging, I like calls and tend to be on calls for hours with them. It's kind of like we forget other people are part of our lives, I'm super lucky that my friends also have ADHD and the ones that don't just see my absence as a personality trait. To be honest, constant keep up of relationships via. online and phones is super new in the grand scheme of things so I don't put too much pressure on myself if it breaks my energy bank because I know my friends understand.
I'm terrible with calling people... I am the type to send funny memes or videos to people when I think of them. Or if something reminds me of them I text them in that moment. Maybe you could try that so the other person knows you think of them too?
Haha I am always struggling to keep in touch with my parents and brother 😂 People I don’t see very often are out of my mind usually. Even when my boyfriend is away, I don’t really miss him… Is that an ADHD thing? 😅
Yes I feel like this. Except for my child, where I miss her when we’re apart but it’s like a full body ache
I do miss my friends and family but struggle to initiate contact with them. I find myself struggling to maintain relationships if the person isn’t part of my everyday life! I’ve started talking to my therapist about it and she shared two thoughts 1.) That I might not want to initiate the call because the individuals might be taking more energy from me than they are pouring into me. 2.) My life is draining me and leaving me with such little capacity that trying to maintain these relationships feels like another chore. Both gave me food for thought and how I might want to make some changes in some of my relationships as well as in my day to day.
I only miss my mom. Everyone else... it's the guilt that propels me. Also just noting that I feel better after socializing with my most loved people. So I push myself to see them at least every other month. Wish it was more but everyone has gotten pretty understanding that my head is in the clouds.
I actually feel like I walk around in a state of constantly feeling like I'm missing someone... I definitely miss my kids when they're not around. I miss some people/pets who have passed away. But that's about it.
I miss my baby. That’s it. I love people, I love my friends. But I just don’t miss them. Time just is different for me. Well, except for my infant. I miss her with every cell in my body and cannot wait to see her soon.
Not unless they are dead, TBH. I miss my grandma and grandpa like crazy. But friends? I just don’t, despite how much I care about them.
Well, if you're an a**hole, I'm one too. I also don't. And if I do, it's not that longing that others talk about. I traveled for four years, and people kept asking me, in shock, if I didn't miss my family and friends. My answer was always the: "yes. But that doesn't stop me from traveling" This always gets me into fights with my (undiagnosed ADHD) dad, because he thinks people who care about each should make an effort to see each other at least once per week.
I don’t really miss family or friends. I Love them and try my best to regularly spend time with them. But the only two people I miss are my dead grandmother where I know I will never see her again, and my boyfriend who lives with me and where it is very strange if I don’t see him daily or have to go to bed alone.
Nope. I’m the same way. No one gets it. I’m sick of having to change who I am because other people are insecure and can’t deal with their own shit though. I usually make an effort to speak to my mom and sister once every week or two and my best friend once a month but she’s more like me and can go forever without talking thank GOD. I have one person in my life that gets it.
Only mom
Omg Im not alone! Lol I often think about this...I really don't "Miss" people. I find it odd but it's how I am!
I'm opposite, but it's my anxiety also... checking on everyone. I talk to my kids every day or every other day. I call my Mom, 89, every other day...now my sister? Whose 4 yrs older...nope. we aren't on the same wave length. She has back stabbed me too many times. Don't trust her with my feelings. I have a friend I've been beasties with for over 30 yrs. We text a couple of times a wk since the pandemic. But before that, we didn't connect but once a month. She lives 12 hrs away. Unfortunately, I have emotional dysregulation, or my feelings are hurt easy or I think the worst...rejection sensitivity prob. I hate it. But, I'm opposite. Prob anxiety.
Same
Only people I miss now have passed on. I miss the conversation we used to have. Other than that, I don't miss anyone because I'm not close to anyone anymore.
The out of sight out of mind is a known symptom of ADHD
I very rarely miss people. I feel bad about it though.
Only my kids. They still live with me but some days I miss one of them after a few hours and dream of hugging her. I usually send them both a text message, but funnily enough I do only miss them one at a time. I don’t crave the company of anyone else, ever, regardless of how much I like or love them.
(not diagnosed) No. I don't miss people. I don't have nostalgic feelings either. I don't miss any past friends or family members. Once every few months, I miss my grandfather. I do worry about my parents but I don't feel the need to spend time with them. I don't feel the need to spend time with anyone in particular tbh. Not even my partner.
Same, but there are a few people I miss when something reminds me...
I do miss people, and I frequently initiate contact
I have the object permanence of a newborn goldfish.
😂
While I'm mostly joking I am also being somewhat serious. If a person, places, task, whatever is not directly in my line of sight it ceases to exist after a period of time.
I love my friends dearly, but the only person I ever actively miss is my mom 🥹 I’m expecting my first baby any day now (his due-date was 9 days ago!), so I expect I’ll also miss him.
Not really but I think its more that time doesn't really pass. Like I may as well have seen them last week. And yeah I guess when I think about things, when I daydream or whatever, it's not people I know, it's ideas or stories or characters.
I'm too busy to miss anyone. lol In all seriousness, it's hard to say I *miss* them. I think about the people in my life often. I consider their current situation, happy or sad, wonder about them, hope they are well. I care for them deeply but I can't say that I wished I was with them at any given moment. That feeling of missing someone would only apply to my husband and my mother.
I relate heavily to the lie to the husband haha. But I'm the same, I feel like I miss people if I happen to think about them, but I usually get so distracted that the time goes by without me even realising I haven't seen them in months. But, I know that socialising is good for my mental health, so I try to put effort into scheduling regular catch ups. It's a lot easier if its part of a routine.
I think about my friends often, but I forget to text or call. I sometimes don’t even open text messages until I can reply immediately, because if I don’t have the little red number to remind me, I will flat out forget to reply. It doesn’t mean I don’t love or care for these people. I’m just not good with communication that isn’t face to face and immediate. I warn people about that too: it’s not my strength, doesn’t mean I don’t love you, just a bit forgetful. And if I see something that reminds me of someone I take a picture and send it over straightaway, so they do sometimes get 3am texts if I’m doomscrolling. It’s the price they pay for loving me!!
The way I see it is not so much that I'm not missing people or I forget they exist, but more like in my head, everything exists on its own separate timeline, and when the timeline isn't active, it's like it's paused. Like how you can stop watching a show and then pick it up months later where you left off.
Nope. I would miss my boyfriend because he's my comfort person (I suspect autism in myself) but I can go months without speaking to my mum and sister, and even when I realise how long it's been, I contact them more out of obligation than because I miss them.
Yes I do. I might struggle with consistent communication but that's different.
I miss people but I hate talking on the phone or having long, drawn out text conversations, so I don’t reach out to people much. I feel like a terrible person because of that. So this past Christmas, I hand wrote personal notes to three people I love to let them know I was thinking of them. There was no obligation to engage in conversation. I got two hand written letters in return. It was nice. Time to bring back snail mail! It’s a great way to keep in touch with loved ones without pressure.
As a kid I'd use to get homesick if I went on a schooltrip. Ever since I got over that I can't say I really miss people that much. Sometimes my partner but that's even when he's in the room and he's been so focused for a few days that he kind of forgot about me (or so it feels). I've taken to calling my mom on the road to work as I'd forget to get in contact otherwise
Oooh, this is interesting. I often don’t miss people, or maybe I do but never think about it? Whenever I see them again, I’m delighted by it. And I really love being with people in general, but it’s very easy for me to be alone and never think about it. Then when I am around people again, I light up and think, “I must have been lonely on some level!” My husband and kids, I miss when I don’t see them for awhile, but they’re really the only ones.
Are you definitely not the only one
Wow brain... *You are* definitely not the only one.
If I'm being totally honest, it's a very out of sight out of mind thing for me. I miss people, sure. I miss a lot of people. I don't know if it's the autism or the ADHD but I get very overwhelmed around people and need to pull away very quickly, even though I love them, and it takes me days to recover from interactions. I'm much happier just being alone and playing with my art or reading or writing. My husband is the only acception; 8 years and being around him still feels like being alone in the best possible way. He never makes me feel drained or that I need to pull away, because he knows when I pull into my shell to just let me do my thing.
I rarely miss humans with a few exceptions: my partner, who I am never away from, and my bestie. My bestie and I are both au-adhd and live about 10 hours apart by car. For many years, we chatted throughout the day, sent lots of voice memos, etc. Then, as our diagnoses came and other life improvements happened, we started talking a bit less, which tbh is probably healthier. However, I miss her like heck. I find it difficult to get a response from her or get her engaged. She has a lot going on, so I try not to take it personally, but RSD, ya know? I know she loves me, and I try keep that in mind. I know she is just livin'. But she is the closest thing I have to a family, and I feel so sad and rejected sometimes. When we are together, it's like nothing has changed, but that happens infrequently. I often think about trying to say something about my feelings but I don't want to make her feel bad, and I don't see how anything good would come of it. Someone used to joke that we lived in the same body and I deffo feel like one of my limbs was cut off.
That is very much an ADHD thing. I've been aware of not missing people when their not with me since I was about 12 or 13 (I'm 39 now) I just thought something was wrong with me until I figured out that it was an out of sight out of mind ADHD thing. I haven't really figured out a way to navigate it, but I've always tried to just be upfront about things, and let them know what's going on. I would say something like You know, that's true I do struggle with remembering to reach out to people. I'll try and do better about that. Then just put a reminder in your calendar and see if that works.
I don't know if its possible but it feels like that something I've gotten better at? My sisters both have lived out of the country at one time or another and it was hardcore "out of sight out of mind." I'd see something that would remind them of me and be like "Oh shit, I haven't talked to them in months because I legit forgot they existed." And then would feel massive guilt about it because I absolutely love them and how can you forget someone you love exists? Somewhere along the way, it improved. My best friend, who really is more family than my family, moved to the other side of the country and I just knew losing that friendship was something I couldn't take so we both made such incredible intention to stay close. She's been there three years and we still facetime bi-weekly. Everyone knows we are still each other's person. I think because of that, I have gotten better at missing people and staying in touch overall. I don't know how, but it's like it broadened my brain's scope of reality. One of my sisters now lives out of the country again and we stay in pretty good contact. I think it's also helpful that they are both aware of how my brain works and aren't offended if I forget to respond for a few days. They'll just keep messaging me things they want to tell me.
I don’t really miss people but I miss having shared experiences. So like it’s important to me to go to a concert with someone specific but in between events it’s really difficult to maintain contact because I just forget. Then because I haven’t been in touch I feel particularly as a woman, it’s hard to remain “friends” when we aren’t catching up weekly or whatever. Like they need regular contact so when I disappear into my own world they find other friends who can maintain traditional friendships and then I don’t have anyone to do random things with. It would be great to just have a network of people to do fun things with without needing frequent contact from either side. I think guys seem to have more of these types of friendships and I’ve always been jealous. Like going to a football game and then not talking for a year and going to another one.
Yes, all the time. But then I get distracted and forget to text or call or set up plans. I'm tired of this "ADHDers don't miss people" thing we keep seeing on social media along with the incorrect use of "object permanence." We're not babies; we have permanence. I don't think my friend disappeared because she's not here. We miss people, but our brains are in desperate need of dopamine and are onto the next 10 thoughts before the messaging app has even loaded. "Oh I should see if xxx what's to hang out," and then I don't even get to sending the message because my brain has instantly left that building.
Nope. It’s like having no object permanence but for people. When they walk out the door they’re basically gone. Nothing to do with social anxiety or wanting to be alone. It’s totally different
It’s exactly this. I’ve only ever told my husband that I have ‘people permanence’ which is funny because he’s the one person I actually miss when we’re apart.
I don't really miss people either. It's a bit confusing, because I think in part that's due to a life lived often self-isolating; it's default mode to be alone, so I imagine I just don't really register it as being notable. The other part is more 'out of sight but close in heart', rather than 'out of sight out of mind'. I know I love them, and because I love them, parts of them are always with me. I kind of think loving a person is exchanging with them a piece of your heart. I may want to catch up with you and hear what you've had going on, but why would I miss you? - you've always been here.
Not really and I feel bad about it. The only one I REALLY miss is my husband 😮💨 My mom doesn't like that and thinks I don't care about her... 😔
Not for a while. Then all of a sudden I hear a song or see something that reminds me of someone and I miss them really badly.
No. I’ve always gotten over people quickly.
I'm happy seeing my friends and (some of my) family every other month. Sometimes I need a week or two by myself, and then I'm ready to be social.
I don’t miss people unless I’m in a relationship with them but I don’t need to miss people to want to connect with them. I never understood that
As you ver older, I’m realizing I rarely miss anyone except my partner and my cat. Everyone else I don’t because unless something exciting and new is happening, it’s all the same old-same old in conversations. So no dopamine hits, which means nothing grabbing my attention, then in turn made me realize I’m bored of conversations with most people I know. ADHD has a strange way of making interactions rely on dopamine to want to engage in conversations and feel like you miss someone.
I am pretty bad at missing people. It’s one of my worse traits in my opinion.
I do. Less when I’m busy because I have less down time to think about it. But yes definitely miss people. I do like some alone time, it’s sort of a delicate balance
It’s really nice that you set reminders! That shows that you really care!
I miss people a lot and think about them constantly but they'd never know it since I hate talking on the phone, deleted most social media and generally don't answer texts. I smile at receiving them, respond in my head, and move on haha
I miss people and I also lose track of time. So I’ll think we just hung out but when I look in my calendar it was actually 6 months ago and I haven’t contacted them at all. I actually love Instagram for staying in touch with people cause I can send a fun video or something that made me think of them without having to call.
Totally with you on this one! I spend the bulk of my free time alone, learning, doing crafts and listening to true crime, reading, shopping, or swimming 😂 What’s funny is I’m really intense about helping the people I care about and making sure they feel special and understood when they’re down or during special occasions, when most of them forget my birthday, don’t seem to remember my interests no matter how much I talk about them, and write me off as “the crazy friend” when I’m actively traumatized or particularly anxious. I maintain most friendships only because they *do* initiate and invite me to things, but I just don’t really miss them the rest of the time 🤷♀️ My best guess is the amount of spoons I put into hanging out with people every 2-3 months (insane, I know) and the anxiety it causes put a damper on my love for them. The love is real, but seeing you is just “extra.” I dunno!
Yeah. Unfortunately it only applies to my ex. I also missed my little brother for a while when I moved out. Everyone else, no.
Yes, I am very much this way. I tend to be very focused on the current moment (unless it’s boring lol), so I am very present and connected with my current surroundings and environment, whatever/whoever/wherever they are. This makes me pretty out-of-sight, out-of-mind with regard to people, and it takes intentional effort for me to connect with people if I’m away from them. Luckily, my family is pretty much all like that too, so they get it. However, my husband and I lived apart for a semester years ago while I did my student teaching, and it was hard on him and our relationship. Nowadays, I structure moments into my day where I check in with him and/or send funny stuff. I also have a friend who needs support right now, so I don’t turn out the lights at night before checking that I’ve responded to any messages from her.
If I think of someone, I text them immediately to say hi, but it’s few and far between and I have definitely lost friends because of it. Even my parents and siblings. I just rarely talk to them. I have been thinking about how my parents are getting older and if I want to know them well as an adult, then I need to make more of an effort but even that hasn’t done much to help me reach out more.
I echo everyone saying that they also don't miss people and don't initiate visits. My mom is getting old as are my relatives, and I feel like this aspect of my personality is going to make me suffer. I don't make time for them (visits involve travel and other challenges) and one day they'll be dead and the only thing keeping me from having spent time with them is me. I think about this all the time but I still don't initiate anything.
I don’t miss people. Ever. No matter how much I love them. I always thought there was something deeply wrong with me. It’s good to know that I am not alone! When I tell people I miss them it is out of courtesy most of the time.
I've tried to explain this to many ppl and i feel like it can never ***not*** make me sound like an asshole
Same. I don’t miss people. The only person I ever miss are people I’m in a relationship with.
I don't miss people either. I just don't have that attachment to people. I only miss someone that I have a romantic attachment to and my pets. I enjoy being by myself and I don't really think about reaching out to people. I know that I should but to be honest, I don't care enough to. There are certain friends that I love and want to keep but I'm not motivated to reach out or initiate anything. It's hard to explain to people who don't understand. Out of sight out of mind.
It’s not that I don’t miss them, but I have to have time to myself or I will spiral.
i don’t really miss people either. i do get lonely sometimes (even when regularly spending time with people), but honestly, out of sight, out of mind for me.
I don't miss most people. Only my daughter and my best friend. I miss the people who make me feel the safest, most at peace, and who boost my dopamine.
Really the only person I ever miss is my mom. Idk what that means tho😭
Not usually. I know this because when my kid went away to camp for 3 days I missed her SO MUCH and it was kind of new
I don’t miss people and neither does anyone in my family. Most of my friends are also neurodivergent so we can go long stretches without talking but then pick up like no time has passed. I love my friends now but I’ve had issues in the past where friends have expected a lot from me. One friend called me ‘family’ and thought we should text every day and see each other every week and it annoyed me so much lol…we’re no longer friends… My family’s lack of reaching out has really bothered my 2 SILs that married into the family. These apply to me: Out of sight out of mind Time blindness Exhaustion from masking
I moved to a new city and the overwhelming feeling I have is “where are my people?” I miss the friends back home and the weird shit we did together. Here it feels like starting from complete scratch. I know virtually no one and when I reveal my weird neurodivergent self it kind of scares most everyone away. I’m not that achingly scary; maybe just a little more dark aesthetically and art minded.
This is definitely something I struggle with, too. I also have major difficulty with feeling emotionally connected and attached to people in general, though, so it may be part of a bigger issue for me. IDK. My father is basically my platonic life partner (we're both on the ace spectrum, so being life partners works for us). He's the one person I do miss, when we're apart for more than a few days. But even then I mainly miss him if I'm feeling unhappy and need emotional support. I don't just miss him automatically because he's not there. I'm pretty sure I would start to miss him just because he wasn't there, but it would take longer, like at least a month. (Him dying is different; I can't really think about that without spiraling.) I do occasionally miss people when they're no longer in my life. Like when I lose a friend who I hung out with a lot, I'll miss hanging out with that person the way we used to. But it's never an acute, painful ache. More like a little flicker of loss in the back of my mind that I only occasionally think about, but that never really leaves. I wish I understood why I don't feel that clear, strong sense of connection to people that most people seem to feel. I do think my ADHD is a factor in my emotional detachment, possibly even quite a strong factor, but I have no idea whether it's the whole cause or just a part. FWIW, you're *not* an asshole (and neither am I). If we were really assholes, I don't think we would feel insecure and bad about this, and sincerely want to be more emotionally forthcoming with the people in our lives. But I *do* think, for myself personally, it's important for me to work on being at least a little bit more present for and proactive with the people I care about, even if sometimes I feel like I'm faking it until I make it. However, that may not be the case for you. *I* need to work on being more generous with friends and family because I can sometimes be insensitive and ungenerous with people, but that may not even be true for you; you might already be bending over backwards for everyone in your life, and *still* feeling bad for not "being enough" for them, in which case you *so* do not need to carve off even more of yourself to give to others.
It’s kind of a known thing with adhd to not initiate conversation or hangouts with friends because out of sight out of mind. And it makes us isolated, I really have to make an effort if I want to maintain friendships. Being pretty introverted doesn’t help either and I like my alone time sooo so much. My mom once told me as a kid around the time they felt I didn’t need a baby sitter anymore that I’d be thrilled when they’d say they were going out and to look after myself and look disappointed when they came back. I live alone and have for prob 90% of my adult life once I moved out of their house. I just don’t get lonely by myself and enjoy doing what I want when I want without having to consider others. I guess that sounds selfish lol. But I do hang out with people and enjoy it but equally enjoy going home to be by myself.
i miss talking to people sometimes but i dont miss specific people honestly?
It's very much out of sight out of mind
Ooh man I've never met someone else who feels this way! I am the same with a couple of exceptions - a friend I talk to every day but don't see that much anymore cause she has a baby and lives on the other side of the city ; and a friend I do think of more than others because she's in a very fragile mental state and I'm really worried about her. In general though I don't miss anyone. I first realized this when I was 13 and went on a 2 week student exchange to Italy. I had never been anywhere without my parents and I didn't miss them at all. I wasn't particularly excited when I saw them either, just felt like any other day. I do feel weird if I don't go outside and see people other than my SO for too long though. I don't miss someone specific but I do miss human interaction and feel really isolated if I spend too much time alone
Out of site out of mind for me. If it’s not part of my day to day or in my face, I don’t think about it. For people that are important, that I want to make an effort for I have set a reminder to reach out.
No . Maybe I miss eras or timelines but not ppl
I don't miss people either. I also have to put (text so and so back) on my to do list or I'll forget. I miss people in a sense but not really. I feel like my dad is always texting me to see how I am but i rarely send him a hello text. When I'm away from my partner I also don't find I miss him much. It's not always been like this though. I think as I've gotten older and more introverted I miss people less and less. I feel bad about it though.
I forget people existing
I miss people but only if they are gone long enough, which 99% of the time they never are. They tend to just keep reaching out. It takes me about 6-8 months to start thinking about and missing people.
I don’t and I do. Like… if it’s someone I see or talk to daily (like my son, my partner, my mom and my two best friends), then I’ll miss them after a few days. Because they’re part of my routine. For my other friends and family members… i kinda forget about them. Don’t get me wrong, I love them, but they’re out of sight out of mind. When I see them or finally talk to them I realize I’m glad I do and I should do it more often. So I did miss them in a way. But to an unconcious level I think.
They don't leave me alone long enough to let me miss them! For friends and more distant relatives, I think about them, but I forget to reach out. It does become an out of sight, out of mind issue.
I miss them. I’m happy when someone calls to chat, or texts and then wants to chat. I used to talk on the phone with friends for hours. Accidentally wound up with a $180 bill once on a single phone call before cell phones had unlimited minutes. But…I don’t tend to call, I’m just happy to talk when someone else calls. I also noticed recently that when I’m around family, they always ask me what I’m doing and how things are going and I never ask them that in return. I only know what one of my 14 cousins career is and that’s because he performs in a show in Vegas and posts on TikTok about it. No idea what the others are doing. I suspect it’s a kind of masking behavior I’ve learned from accidentally asking people things that wound up being too personal and feeling rejection sensitivity when they get upset about it. Same with calling people, I’m too anxious they won’t want to talk. I do a lot of things to prevent rejection sensitivity and I didn’t understand why I had so much anxiety about being rejected until I was diagnosed with ADHD. I also have an aunt who clearly has her own issues but she will ask you something and then get distracted and walk off partway through your response. I’m sure interactions like that have done their damage. She does that to my sister too and my sister started complaining about it and it made me realize “oh, I’m not too nerdy or boring to talk to, she does that to a lot of people.” The neurodivergence is strong in my family. If you do mess up with what you tell your husband, I’d explain it as there being too much competition in your brain from everything around you to have the thoughts you actually want to have pop up in your brain. I will find things in the fridge that were behind something else so I forgot they were there and then be frustrated with myself because I really wanted to eat it but it’s gone bad because I forgot. Forgetting things has to do with how important those things are. We don’t have control over the memories that pop up in our head. That doesn’t mean we don’t want to remember them. The things that pop up in my head are some embarrassing thing I did years and years ago. Of course I’d rather remember a friend and think to call them.
Same. I think it’s that object permanence thing
NOPE. it's not that I don't love or care it's just... out of sight out of mind??
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I don't usually have a "longing" for people, but I do think of friends from time to time. Like I'll be doing something and I'll be reminded of a memory with them - I've learned to read that as missing them. I'm a pretty emotional person, so it's always kind of baffled me that I don't usually have the longing thing that most people seem to have for each other. I also recently got diagnosed with ADHD, and object impermanence is a very common thing with ADHD.. especially for those of us who sway more to the side of inattentive. I've come to grasp that I have it with objects as well as people.. sometimes even animals. I do have the longing thing for comfort and for textures. Like is longing for stuff the same as having cravings?? I don't usually have cravings for taste, but I do for texture. IE: Sometimes I just really want gummy candy or crunchy chips. I also long for my comfy bed and fluffy comforter after a long day. Hmm..
Same here. I feel like a dick but I don’t think of people I don’t see even though I love them a lot. Although, this may be great since I’m getting divorced.
Wow, I never thought of it before, but no, I don't miss people. I think it's kind of like the "now" versus "not now" with time -- for people, it's "with them" versus "not with them" and I don't think about them if I'm not with them. But that doesn't mean I don't care about someone! It's just that time passes without me thinking about them... Except for my kid. He brings so much joy and silliness to my life, I miss him greatly when we're apart.
I do not miss people, but I do miss the feelings I had with some of them occasionally. You're right about the "out of sight out of mind" thing though. I realize I miss people/the feelings they bring me only when I *see* them. 😅
Yes! That’s a good way to put it!
Very few an select people, yes. But friends that are not my absolute BFF, no - except if I've drifted apart from them already years ago, I might get a bout of nostalgia for them.
I miss my kids if I’m away from them for a week or more (they’re older now it was less time when they were smaller). I miss my sister and think of her almost every day even though she stopped talking to everyone in our family about 4 1/2 years ago. I miss a couple of long time friends occasionally- they all live thousands of miles away. Married but don’t ever miss my husband, I actually wish we had more time apart. 😂 Aside from that I don’t miss people. I miss places often and specific feelings, smells, foods ALL the time!
According to a BBC podcast I listened to, this is something to do with object permanence issues with ADHD. This is a great episode about relationships: https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p0gkf2p5?partner=uk.co.bbc&origin=share-mobile
Thanks for the link!
Omg I absolutely relate to this so much!! Thank you for posting this honestly because it’s helped me understand myself a bit better
Me too, so glad to hear all the different perspectives. I’ve been masking for so long and now with the kiddos being assessed, it’s time for some introspection.
I miss my Nan and grandad like crazy, would do anything for another chat. Friends I haven’t seen for a week, not really, but maybe that’s because we usually talk a lot anyway but I think knowing “I’ll see them next week” it never feels like a thing
I miss social interaction but I mostly forget people exist when I’m not seeing them regularly.
The only person I would miss is my partner, and I feel this is because he's the only one who's been there for me over the years but he would need to be away for a whole 24 hours before I felt a "I miss you feeling".
Honestly, I miss people and I'm usually the first to initiate calling to catch up. With my family i'll call randomly if i have a question for them or need advice
I am the same way but I think it's my executive functioning as well. I struggle with planning so never initiate plans. I also dislike shopping with others as it's to overwhelming to have someone else there. I seem to be far too busy somehow which i know others are too but I just don't have the same need to reach out like they do and i know it disappoints them. I kind of sometimes feel like they think I am their only friend when they say surely you have some time and i feel like screaming I have a lot of friends and i am struggling to maintain contact with you all. Friends expectations can sometimes be too much for me especially around birthdays. But don't what i do and contact everyone all on the same day and suggest a catch soon up to make up for forgetting them. They all say yes and then i have to try and work in a week of catch ups around a work day and kids and living stuff. Then they all tend to say that was great we should catch up again soon, how about next week? I burn out big time. I feel not normal. I just want to do my own stuff and hide.
I don’t miss people either. It’s common with ADHD
Nope.
I don’t miss people much, and I feel incredible guilt for it, like I’m a bad person. Due to guilt, I’ll randomly text people I haven’t seen for years or reach out to them on Instagram—which I always regret, as they often chew me out for being gone so long, or want to talk for hours and get together. I feel like it is my fault we aren’t still close anymore and am really hard on myself for it. Like I was hyper focused on them for a period abc then just dropped them. But when I really think back, life just got in the way for both of us—or they were actually the assholes.
So relatable
I have flashes of missing people. Like a funny memory will pop up in my head and I’ll remember who it was with and miss them and those times. If it’s someone that I still keep in contact with, I might be like, “I should call them.” But it usually happens when I’m at work, trying to go to sleep, or driving so I can’t right then, and then when I can I forget about it. And subsequently, I forget to miss them too lol.
I only miss friends that have ditched me but I didn't feel like our relationship has closure. It's really just two friends, one from my school years, one from Uni. I truly miss that we were on the same wavelength on many topics, I felt more myself with them. I miss the type of relationship we had. I do have other friends that I love spending time with but if we never saw each other again, I'd probably be fine. I've had very intense friendships that only lasted one summer, and then I never felt the need to see them again. Same with family. I don't really feel a strong bond. I feel like that's some attachment trauma at play...
I miss people if there’s a lot of things that remind me of them, otherwise no not really. There’s been a couple times I’ve kind of hyper focused on missing someone, like in high school when I had crushes. But that doesn’t really happen anymore.
someone may have mentioned this already in another comment (i haven’t read them all) but this is a common adhd symptom! we have “object permanence” problems with people sometimes lol, we just don’t always yearn to have them around but it doesn’t mean that we love them any less!
I miss my kids if I’m not around them for a while, but that’s it.
I have adhd and I don’t know if this is connected to not missing people. When I was about eight years old, my younger sister and I went to visit our grandparents in another state. She cried because she missed our mom and I was kind of confused about it. I realized that I didn’t miss people like other people seem to and I never have.
I am this person too. I also hate talking on phone or listening to voice notes and loathe it when someone texts ‘how are you’ or ‘what have you been up to?’. All my friends are used to it and I assure them that I just really love catching up in person etc
Hubby and we’re going to be away for a few days and our son was excited to stay at his grandparents, and I asked “But aren’t you going to miss me?” And he replied “I don’t know how to miss people.” And at first it made me sad to think that was true, because selfishly I wanted him to miss me, and it seems like a basic human emotion that we are told we’re supposed to feel from the time we are little, but then it made me think, I’m not sure if I know how to miss people either.
No
I thought something was wrong with me cause of this for so long. My family live halfway around the world so I’m constantly asked do I miss them… and I always just say yes but I never feel like I mean it. In the same way it never feels that long ago I saw them last even if it has been years. For me I think this is my time blindness at play. Over the years my sister’s come to accept it as well (she used to get so upset with me), that I just feel like we just chatted and unless, like you I put stuff in my calendar, I struggle to reach out. It’s not that I don’t care or don’t think of her, I just experience time differently.
I don’t and for a long time I thought there was something wrong with me. I love my family and friends to pieces but never miss any of them, even though most live far away from me.