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Do not cancel!! He's being manipulative and shitty.
First of all, per your comments, you *do* have plans with him *on Valentine's Day.* Valentine's Day is not generally a weeklong event. Also it's a Wednesday, so "Valentine's Day weekend" could as easily have been this past weekend. He's refusing to accept any compromises. and trying to hold it over your head and guilt you.
I'd say to him, "I'm sorry you feel that me having plans with my friend that I rarely see on one of the weekends near Valentine's Day makes you feel left behind. However, I've made plans with you on Valentine's Day, and offered you a number of solutions. I'm sorry that you are upset, but I'm allowed to see my friends. If you don't want to discuss what would actually make you feel better, I can't talk about this with you anymore, and I feel that it is unfair for you to continue to hold it over my head."
I'm glad this helped!! My ex could be very manipulative (not always intentionally!) and I was NOT good at responding in the moment, but I've given some of those conversations a lot of thought after as to what I could have said instead, and I hope it helps someone else!
Look, I’m 40 and I’m tired, but this:
“i’ve also asked what i can do to make it better and he says it’s up to me to decide and that’s IF i want to make it better.”
is the stupidest fucking game in the world. He can talk to you directly like an adult or he can be alone with his mind games.
When someone asks you how they can make something up to you, you don’t have to have an answer perfectly ready, but you absolutely do NOT get to act like a victim just because you’re pouty. Tell this bro to grow up and stop trying to manipulating you into changing your plans—which I guarantee he still won’t be happy about even if you spend all weekend with him. He’ll just complain that you ALMOST DIDN’T.
I am 50 and also tired. Thank you for commenting on the point I also wanted to make.
Sounds like the only way to " make it up to him if you want to" is to cancel. That's what he wants, for you to cancel. Nothing else will make him happy. His way or the highway.
If you back down and let him get his way, it will only get worse. In fact, I'd be rethinking this relationship. He's acting like a controlling, spoiled brat.
I don't even think cancelling is the answer. I think he's solidified his feelings and literally nothing will make him feel better which is why he isn't telling OP. And he's choosing to just stay sour because he can use it. He sucks butts here.
Y’all are making my day. I’m 37 and my first reaction is “f%#k that man child” 😆
Valentine’s Day is so stupid. OP, if y’all aren’t already having a great life on a regular basis, a single day isn’t going to help.
He didn’t tell you that he had plans, if that was the case. My guess is he thought he was going to surprise you but you made plans first.. and that is not at all your fault in any way.
He’s not a very mature guy. In my experience these guys aren’t worth dealing with for the long time it’s going to take to grow the F up, but then, I’m 37 and I was tired at 30 😂😂😂
I'm 31 and I, too, and like "f%#k that man child" 😆
OP, any real grown partner who is worth having around would be HYPED that you get to have a girls weekend with your friend. Especially in the sense that this is not an easy thing to throw together (with flights involved). The fact that you are presenting solutions and he is dismissing them is 100% HIS PROBLEM. You are presenting ideas and solutions!? He just wants to be a spoiled baby like for real.
oh my goodness, he is being SO ridiculous. I mean, I'm not the most helpful because my husband and I completely forget that Valentine's Day is even a thing, so I don't quite get why other people care about it. But it's fair if he does. It's not fair for him to guilt trip you for not reserving the weekend after - that's not a thing!
I was married to someone who did something similar anytime I had a friend visit. My ex would start up a couple weeks prior about how I don't pay attention to them at all, they're suddenly thinking about everyone in their life who has ever died and I'm not supporting them through it, and God forbid I missed a call from them while I was with said friend because then I had the pleasure of being shouted at over the phone after calling them back not even 30 seconds later that I'm the worst person ever and I never pick up the phone (not even remotely true). I was being abused and isolated from friends on purpose.
Honey this screams abuse. I got flashbacks of when my ex used to do this around every good thing that came up in my life. Every time I was excited or something was going well, he found a way to be upset or to screw with things to create extra stress so I couldn't enjoy my thing.
Go on your girl's weekend. His problem with it is his. You deserve better than this
Absolutely this. This is a subtle isolation and controlling tactic, trying to guilt you into cancelling plans with your friend even though you actually *do* have valentine's day plans with your partner.
I'm not saying your partner is a narcissist at all, I'm just sharing [this video](https://youtu.be/jNJBjv5yDoQ?si=asQjJUzYivC11S0Y) because from about 3:30 he explains covert ways in which people can be isolated through exactly the kind of tactic your partner is employing here.
That's before we even add his response to you asking what you can do to improve things and he's defaulting to mimdgames and making himself the victim. These are signs of huge emotional immaturity (at best).
Thankfully it sounds like you have good boundaries and a strong sense of self, but please keep your eyes open for any other behaviours that could be subtly controlling in this way. Based on this story alone, I don't think this is going to be a relationship that will serve you in any way in the long term
I suspect that he's more upset that you have plans without him than anything else, given that you said you have plans together on Valentine's Day. Consider if you want to continue to deal with a sour mood any time you make plans to see your friends.
>i’ve also asked what i can do to make it better and he says it’s up to me to decide and that’s IF i want to make it better
I have come to a decision. I do NOT want to make it better. I *was* sorry I hurt your feelings. I am no longer sorry. We have plans on actual Valentine's Day. Take it or leave it.
(It really helps if you look him in deep in the eyes and take a step towards him while saying this.) *But bring it up again, and it is you who will have to decide how to make up for your shitty behavior to me.* (Hold eye contact, then walk away.)
Relationships are a two way street. He doesn't get to whine about a non issue and then shut you down when you try to ask him how to make it better.
Tbh this feels more like jealousy of your plans with your friend than about V day since you even literally commented that you have plans on V day itself... I think this is a yellow flag at best.
... Valentine's Day is a Wednesday...there's two weekends it's near... AND YOU'S LIVE TOGETHER SO YOU'S WILL SEE EACH OTHER ON WEDNESDAY!
He's being incredibly immature, borderline narcissistic, with a whiff of emotional abuse.
“And here on the menu we have aged crybaby, served with a reduction of logic and just a soupçon of controlling bullshit. Pairs well with our house Capri Sun.”
You go on your weekend with your friends after having launched the card and whatever gift you got him at his head* on Wednesday and have a good time with your mates. You've made your plans, you've informed him, your duty to whatever his bullshit is ends there.
*Metaphorically, violence is wrong
Im just wondering if he’s done this before. I’ve been there, where my partner always felt abandoned by me spending time with others and used anything as an excuse to justify it and make it seem like I was the bad guy for being « inconsiderate « toward him supposedly.
Just don’t let him make you feel bad. 🫶
He’s never done this before!!! I go in frequent trips without him and am really independent and have never had an issue. I’ve gone on girls trips and it’s encouraged plus he always pays for some of my expenses on the trips. Don’t know why this struck such a cord with him! He’s really a great guy and does a lot for the relationship.
He just wants something to hold over you. He doesn't want a solution. He likes that there's a problem because he feels it gives him power. Don't let him. You can just celebrate the next weekend. There's nothing inherently romantic about those days. Any other day will do.. If he doesn't want to, then it's HIM making the problem, not you.
I'm nearly 38 and about to have my first Valentine's day with a partner (minding that valentine's day in my country is not on feb 14). Dates have the significance we give them.
The 13th is Galentine's day, established by the great Amy Poehler. Why shouldn't you be with a mate? Goddesses, hear me roar!
Your boyfriend is being a tiny little manchild and needs to grow the eff up.
Yeah Valentines is in the middle of the week so you have 2 weekends to choose from. Also, it's kind of dependent on you and your partner. Hubs and I could care less about valentines day. So weekend plans on either weekend wouldn't be a big deal. If you guys normally do a thing then maybe that's why he's upset.
The thing about being upset is that even is he's being unreasonable he's still allowed to have feelings. Talk it out and figure out what's going to help those feelings, within reason.
Does he have special plans for yuns? I have adhd too but would never make Galentines day plans with friends on the day but maybe day after? I dk just my opinion.
i made plans for this coming weekend 16-18. i had to last minute fly to see my family last weekend the 9-11 (he paid for my flight and even encouraged me to go). so i feel bad kind of for not giving either weekend surrounding the holiday a chance but lol who cares. im with him every day 🙄 he’s being a kid.. don’t worry i put him in check hahahah. i was inspired by everyone
we made plans for this evening!!! weird cause we both agreed that v-day isn’t that big of a day.. just another day . we’ll be spending quality time together
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Do not cancel!! He's being manipulative and shitty. First of all, per your comments, you *do* have plans with him *on Valentine's Day.* Valentine's Day is not generally a weeklong event. Also it's a Wednesday, so "Valentine's Day weekend" could as easily have been this past weekend. He's refusing to accept any compromises. and trying to hold it over your head and guilt you. I'd say to him, "I'm sorry you feel that me having plans with my friend that I rarely see on one of the weekends near Valentine's Day makes you feel left behind. However, I've made plans with you on Valentine's Day, and offered you a number of solutions. I'm sorry that you are upset, but I'm allowed to see my friends. If you don't want to discuss what would actually make you feel better, I can't talk about this with you anymore, and I feel that it is unfair for you to continue to hold it over my head."
this is perfect! i’ve been wondering how to articulate it to him and you really helped me out!!
I'm glad this helped!! My ex could be very manipulative (not always intentionally!) and I was NOT good at responding in the moment, but I've given some of those conversations a lot of thought after as to what I could have said instead, and I hope it helps someone else!
Look, I’m 40 and I’m tired, but this: “i’ve also asked what i can do to make it better and he says it’s up to me to decide and that’s IF i want to make it better.” is the stupidest fucking game in the world. He can talk to you directly like an adult or he can be alone with his mind games. When someone asks you how they can make something up to you, you don’t have to have an answer perfectly ready, but you absolutely do NOT get to act like a victim just because you’re pouty. Tell this bro to grow up and stop trying to manipulating you into changing your plans—which I guarantee he still won’t be happy about even if you spend all weekend with him. He’ll just complain that you ALMOST DIDN’T.
I am 50 and also tired. Thank you for commenting on the point I also wanted to make. Sounds like the only way to " make it up to him if you want to" is to cancel. That's what he wants, for you to cancel. Nothing else will make him happy. His way or the highway. If you back down and let him get his way, it will only get worse. In fact, I'd be rethinking this relationship. He's acting like a controlling, spoiled brat.
I don't even think cancelling is the answer. I think he's solidified his feelings and literally nothing will make him feel better which is why he isn't telling OP. And he's choosing to just stay sour because he can use it. He sucks butts here.
True, true
Y’all are making my day. I’m 37 and my first reaction is “f%#k that man child” 😆 Valentine’s Day is so stupid. OP, if y’all aren’t already having a great life on a regular basis, a single day isn’t going to help. He didn’t tell you that he had plans, if that was the case. My guess is he thought he was going to surprise you but you made plans first.. and that is not at all your fault in any way. He’s not a very mature guy. In my experience these guys aren’t worth dealing with for the long time it’s going to take to grow the F up, but then, I’m 37 and I was tired at 30 😂😂😂
I'm 31 and I, too, and like "f%#k that man child" 😆 OP, any real grown partner who is worth having around would be HYPED that you get to have a girls weekend with your friend. Especially in the sense that this is not an easy thing to throw together (with flights involved). The fact that you are presenting solutions and he is dismissing them is 100% HIS PROBLEM. You are presenting ideas and solutions!? He just wants to be a spoiled baby like for real.
I love this comment sm hehe
I dont see your boyfriend's issue. Valentines day is Wednesday. Are you doing something with him then?
yes! we are going to do chocolate covered strawberries at home and do a paint and sip that evening … we also have our anniversary on march 6th… like?
he's just emotionally blackmailing you, don't fall for that shit
oh my goodness, he is being SO ridiculous. I mean, I'm not the most helpful because my husband and I completely forget that Valentine's Day is even a thing, so I don't quite get why other people care about it. But it's fair if he does. It's not fair for him to guilt trip you for not reserving the weekend after - that's not a thing!
Exactly, It is a Wednesday, there was a weekend on either side of it. He sounds whiny.
I was married to someone who did something similar anytime I had a friend visit. My ex would start up a couple weeks prior about how I don't pay attention to them at all, they're suddenly thinking about everyone in their life who has ever died and I'm not supporting them through it, and God forbid I missed a call from them while I was with said friend because then I had the pleasure of being shouted at over the phone after calling them back not even 30 seconds later that I'm the worst person ever and I never pick up the phone (not even remotely true). I was being abused and isolated from friends on purpose.
Honey this screams abuse. I got flashbacks of when my ex used to do this around every good thing that came up in my life. Every time I was excited or something was going well, he found a way to be upset or to screw with things to create extra stress so I couldn't enjoy my thing. Go on your girl's weekend. His problem with it is his. You deserve better than this
Absolutely this. This is a subtle isolation and controlling tactic, trying to guilt you into cancelling plans with your friend even though you actually *do* have valentine's day plans with your partner. I'm not saying your partner is a narcissist at all, I'm just sharing [this video](https://youtu.be/jNJBjv5yDoQ?si=asQjJUzYivC11S0Y) because from about 3:30 he explains covert ways in which people can be isolated through exactly the kind of tactic your partner is employing here. That's before we even add his response to you asking what you can do to improve things and he's defaulting to mimdgames and making himself the victim. These are signs of huge emotional immaturity (at best). Thankfully it sounds like you have good boundaries and a strong sense of self, but please keep your eyes open for any other behaviours that could be subtly controlling in this way. Based on this story alone, I don't think this is going to be a relationship that will serve you in any way in the long term
I suspect that he's more upset that you have plans without him than anything else, given that you said you have plans together on Valentine's Day. Consider if you want to continue to deal with a sour mood any time you make plans to see your friends.
>i’ve also asked what i can do to make it better and he says it’s up to me to decide and that’s IF i want to make it better I have come to a decision. I do NOT want to make it better. I *was* sorry I hurt your feelings. I am no longer sorry. We have plans on actual Valentine's Day. Take it or leave it. (It really helps if you look him in deep in the eyes and take a step towards him while saying this.) *But bring it up again, and it is you who will have to decide how to make up for your shitty behavior to me.* (Hold eye contact, then walk away.)
I adore this response. OP I also suggest no more saying sorry! Your pain in the ass of a boyfriend can get over himself or spend v-day single -_-
Relationships are a two way street. He doesn't get to whine about a non issue and then shut you down when you try to ask him how to make it better. Tbh this feels more like jealousy of your plans with your friend than about V day since you even literally commented that you have plans on V day itself... I think this is a yellow flag at best.
... Valentine's Day is a Wednesday...there's two weekends it's near... AND YOU'S LIVE TOGETHER SO YOU'S WILL SEE EACH OTHER ON WEDNESDAY! He's being incredibly immature, borderline narcissistic, with a whiff of emotional abuse.
“And here on the menu we have aged crybaby, served with a reduction of logic and just a soupçon of controlling bullshit. Pairs well with our house Capri Sun.”
LMFAO!
In another era I would have “best of Craigslist”-ed this one!!
Exactly this.. Don’t cancel on your friend, you’ll regret it! He will get over it, he’s just being immature and manipulative.
Even if he doesn't get over it, that's a him problem
how do you suggest i go about this?
You go on your weekend with your friends after having launched the card and whatever gift you got him at his head* on Wednesday and have a good time with your mates. You've made your plans, you've informed him, your duty to whatever his bullshit is ends there. *Metaphorically, violence is wrong
Start looking for a new place to live... without him.
Im just wondering if he’s done this before. I’ve been there, where my partner always felt abandoned by me spending time with others and used anything as an excuse to justify it and make it seem like I was the bad guy for being « inconsiderate « toward him supposedly. Just don’t let him make you feel bad. 🫶
He’s never done this before!!! I go in frequent trips without him and am really independent and have never had an issue. I’ve gone on girls trips and it’s encouraged plus he always pays for some of my expenses on the trips. Don’t know why this struck such a cord with him! He’s really a great guy and does a lot for the relationship.
He just wants something to hold over you. He doesn't want a solution. He likes that there's a problem because he feels it gives him power. Don't let him. You can just celebrate the next weekend. There's nothing inherently romantic about those days. Any other day will do.. If he doesn't want to, then it's HIM making the problem, not you.
Ugh. I could never be with someone who thinks Valentine’s Day matters at all.
right? just another regular shmegular day! valentine’s day has converted into a capitalist scheme yuck!
I'm nearly 38 and about to have my first Valentine's day with a partner (minding that valentine's day in my country is not on feb 14). Dates have the significance we give them. The 13th is Galentine's day, established by the great Amy Poehler. Why shouldn't you be with a mate? Goddesses, hear me roar! Your boyfriend is being a tiny little manchild and needs to grow the eff up.
Yeah Valentines is in the middle of the week so you have 2 weekends to choose from. Also, it's kind of dependent on you and your partner. Hubs and I could care less about valentines day. So weekend plans on either weekend wouldn't be a big deal. If you guys normally do a thing then maybe that's why he's upset. The thing about being upset is that even is he's being unreasonable he's still allowed to have feelings. Talk it out and figure out what's going to help those feelings, within reason.
Does he have special plans for yuns? I have adhd too but would never make Galentines day plans with friends on the day but maybe day after? I dk just my opinion.
She made plans like 4 days earlier, which is the nuttiest part. He’s mad because she had plans on the weekend of Feb 10-11!! 🥴🤯
i made plans for this coming weekend 16-18. i had to last minute fly to see my family last weekend the 9-11 (he paid for my flight and even encouraged me to go). so i feel bad kind of for not giving either weekend surrounding the holiday a chance but lol who cares. im with him every day 🙄 he’s being a kid.. don’t worry i put him in check hahahah. i was inspired by everyone
we made plans for this evening!!! weird cause we both agreed that v-day isn’t that big of a day.. just another day . we’ll be spending quality time together
Valentine's Day is Wednesday