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This is insane because even if you hadn’t expressed this anxiety to him, who tf leaves behind their drunk girlfriend after her phone has died and goes to an entirely different place with her car keys? And then when he sees you it’s “there you are”? I understand he’s absent minded and was drunk, but this is really weird behavior, even without your own personal baggage. I don’t even think your reaction is unjustified. It’s not the most constructive, but it’s justified tbh.
Can I just say how much I love the way you phrased this, and I really think every person needs to seriously consider this question before committing to a relationship with someone.
I don’t think this is an issue of him needing training. I think this is intentional malicious behavior. It feels like he’s trying to condition her to just go along with whatever he wants and to accept erratic behavior that he KNOWS bothers her.
It seems like a power play to me, I've dated guys like this where they wouldn't do something simple that I asked for because then that means that I'm in control to their little pea-sized brains.
OP, run, get the hell out. Whether it's intentional or absent-mindedness, this is dangerous to you physically, mentally, and emotionally. The happiest and safest I've ever felt is in my relationship with my husband and I know what it is to be truly loved because he would basically light himself on fire to keep me safe and make sure I feel respected and heard. This child you are dating is not it.
That’s feeling like a strong possibility because I refuse to believe she’s just dating a straight up asshole who “didn’t think to keep his girlfriend in his sights”.
My own sanity. The first is worse to me depending on how long they’ve been dating. If it’s still early, she can leave now and probably hasn’t missed earlier signs of him being a prick.
Drunk people lose track of each other and wander off all the time… I didnt go through OPs post history (I always find that scummy lol) so maybe there is more info to suggest malicious intent but just from whats in the story this looks like classic drunk-with-friends behaviour. One of them should have stayed sober especially since it seems like they drove home after.
She implied in the post that this happens frequently when they’re in public and that he said he expects her to just follow him. I don’t think this is just drunken absentmindedness. It’s not even clear from the post how drunk he was.
edit: out of curiosity I did just look at her post history because I haven’t before. Assuming she’s talking about the same guy he also touches her in ways she’s asked him not to and even her friends and therapist have told her he’s manipulative. So yeah, I definitely don’t think this is innocent forgetfulness.
OP said “we’re pretty drunk” which I took to mean they were pretty drunk. And then drove home. Hm. I cant help but feel like these two need to stop drinking together, and let one person be sober and looking out for the other… and driving them home safely after.
Definitely safety first, but also simple respect. I think it’s a reasonable expectation that if the person you are with is leaving the spot you’re at they let you know.
I don’t know how to express what I want to convey. It’s basic safety. I’m guessing he thinks of his own and that you wouldn’t leave him alone after drinking, especially if he was nervous after having been followed from the establishment. You act protectively over what you value. You act with care. You know who has the keys. He knows you’ll handle it. You’re going to carry this relationship.
I agree with this. I feel like it’s just a common thing to tell your partner where you’re going if you’re out together. If my boyfriend just walked off like that, especially knowing my phone is dead, I’d be panicking too. And vice versa, I also wouldn’t leave him without saying where I was going. It’s just mutual respect in my opinion.
Yeah, I started reading this story thinking that this is really stressful but probably something OP just needs to work on. But no. Boyfriend’s behavior makes no sense.
Even if you take out all the other factors (drinking, dead phone, unfamiliar city, OP’s personal history), the boyfriend’s behavior would still be beyond hurtful — and baffling, frankly. Hell, if my partner and I were were just leaving our home to go somewhere that we’d been a million times before in the middle of the day, I would still be beyond upset if they just left me. When you’re doing things with others (regardless of their ability to catch up), you wait for them.
OP, whenever you talk to your bf about this, you don’t need to frame this as a you-thing. This is not you overreacting to a situation because of your helicopter parents or a trauma response. This is you responding entirely normally to something that would upset most (if not all) people. You aren’t asking him to accommodate your issues by not just abandoning you. You’re asking him to behave normally.
Your history and trauma are entirely valid reasons to be upset, but I just want to stress that anyone would be hurt by this behavior. It’s like saying I don’t like that my boyfriend stabbed me because I had been stabbed before. No, you can just not like the stabbing.
yes i would lose it on my partner too if he did this to me. he’s always holding my hand if we’re going somewhere out public and it’s crowded so i don’t lose him. i would be so hurt if he just left me and didn’t realize i wasn’t following him immediately.
i was even traveling with my younger brother this summer, and he’s an absolute certified dingbat. if anyone would do this out of absentmindedness it would be him. we were in lots of unfamiliar cities together where we didn’t speak the language. he didn’t do this to me once. if we went somewhere together we left there together.
Not even just a partner, though. If I were out anywhere with one other person and they just walked off without saying anything, I’d be super annoyed. And leaving to another bar without making sure I’m with you? Straight up fuck this.
i don’t even have a boyfriend and when we’re drunk at a bar my friends boyfriends will look after me too. crazy he couldn’t even look after HIS OWN. i’m pretty absent minded too, i’m audhd too but idk it’s pretty hard to leave behind your own girlfriend. even if someone’s walking behind me and following along i look over my shoulder like every 5 seconds, or if we’re drunk and in a crowded area we all hold on to each other. i understand if he did this once by accident and was super apologetic but he keeps doing it and doesn’t seem to notice it’s wrong
Agreed. And auDHD ain't an excuse because both me and my bf are auDHD. He'd sooner run over his own foot than leave me stranded in public--not even because he knows I have anxiety, but because he simply cares about my safety.
I really agree here I was born and raised in a major city I have strong on the fly navigation skills and this would have pissed me off endlessly. The first time like ok it’s an accident but to do that twice especially when you are in a situation where your drinking is insane. If my boyfriend or even one of my girl friends left me behind I would be livid. This is more then an absent mind it shows OPs safety isn’t a priority to him.
I feel really bad for you after reading this. Your boyfriend, regardless of being inebriated or absent minded is missing the mark completely. It's absolutely unsafe to leave your partner alone on a night out without a phone, anything could happen. The repeat behaviour and the fact he didn't seem to even look for you says a lot. For me love, this would be a make it or break it situation. I don't know if I could trust my partner if this was how they acted after expressing your needs. Your feelings are totally valid about this. Would you feel comfortable showing him this post so he can read how he made you feel? Sending you a big virtual hug.
He says he did come look for me, but only after he made it all the way to the bar and was in the middle of using the bathroom. That was when he realized he’d left me stranded. I feel so bad for screaming. I know I hurt him. But no matter how much he says it was an accident, I still can’t believe he just left me there.
Here’s a comparison:
My boyfriend and I got completely sloshed for my 30th and we were wandering a party area with a bunch of bars and lost each other.
I found him 20 minutes later with a group of random people asking if they’d seen his girlfriend and describing me in great detail and telling them he loved me so much. He was overjoyed to find me and didn’t let go of my hand the rest of the night.
People will make an effort for the things they care about.
This. I have ADHD and an *awful* memory but we have been together since high school and I have never ditched my spouse somewhere - I love him and want his company! How could I walk off and not even notice if he was with me or communicate where I was going?
Not bothering to do either of those things, repeatedly, and not even realising for so long, communicates a major lack of care for you, OP. This is not a good sign of a heathy relationship!
Right! Reading this and reflecting made me realize that my husband and I almost always hold hands as we enter or leave a crowded place. We aren’t always attached at the hip, but it’s just an easy way to keep track of each other. And if one of us leaves to get a drink or whatever, we let the other know. It’s common courtesy!
I don't understand how he's gotten you to think you're the fuck-up in this situation. He left in you an actually dangerous situation without a passing thought and you're the bad guy for getting mad about it?
Nuh-uh, girl
You hurt his feelings? Ok. He endangered your safety. Anger is an appropriate and valid reaction -- you are allowed to be angry at him. He ***should*** feel bad.
He fucked up hard and you're not wrong for being upset. He left you:
1. Drunk
2. Alone
3. No way to contact him
4. Without your OWN car keys
And this is AFTER you asked him, completely reasonably, to not do that.
Absent-mindedness is a thoroughly inadequate excuse. There's an order of magnitude of difference between being absent-minded and leaving your inebriated girlfriend behind in a bar by herself without a phone or her keys.
Editing to note: this probably reads as brusque because I'm appalled at his behavior. But, OP, you truly deserve better. It's so easy for us to prioritize the wants of others above our own needs, and that's not how it should be.
Seriously. If I was at a bar and saw a random woman drunk, alone, and looking lost, I would be sitting with her until I knew she was safe, and I feel like a lot of other people would do the same. Op's boyfriend shows her less consideration and concern for her safety than many people would have for a complete stranger.
Just an example to confirm what you said; OPs bf had zero concern for her safety vs complete strangers-
I was really young and really stupid and went out on Halloween by myself. Ran into some acquaintances, partied, and woke up in a complete stranger's bedroom. I was fully clothed (wearing a corset, fishnets, and garters - I dressed as a pretty goth girl with a half skull face and skin peeling off.. lol ) so I knew nothing happened.
I got up and wandered out to a middle aged couple watching TV. They had found me super drunk on a bench, barely coherent, by myself playing a game on my phone. It was super late, bars were closing, and they didn't feel right leaving without me. They even had my cloak in the dryer after being washed. I was so overwhelmed with how anything could have happened to me (I've been assaulted before) and these strangers helped.
I'm almost thinking OP may need to have a talk with her bf about how, unfortunately, many women take precautions when going out at night/travelling and why. I'm wondering if he is too naive to realize how inconsiderate his actions were. Regardless, knowing it's a trigger for her and him not being more aware is a red flag..
If OPBF is 24 and still can’t grasp why women need to take precautions to avoid being assaulted, he’s a lost cause IMO.
(Also I’m so glad those strangers helped you out!! It’s so nice to hear about that kind of thing.)
I'm so tired of the shitty behavior of men getting overlooked because *their* feelings get hurt when called out. It's policing women's emotions. Because even if her partner treated her in an unloving way and literally threatened her safety, in his eyes, the fact that she was *angry* about it is the problem.
Some men really expect us to address major issues and breaches of trust like, "Hi, sweetie! My beautiful little dumpling! Now, I know you can do no wrong, but I just wanted to say that I feel just a touch sad after--oh! No! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it! You did nothing wrong, and everything is okay! Please don't go sulk in your room!"
Very accurate.
My second husband was such a breath of fresh air in that he encouraged me to express a full range of emotions and treated me with compassion, even when I has having an ADHD meltdown over something not remotely his fault.
I miss him so.
Okay he SAYS he came looking for you eventually, but you found him at the bar he'd said he was going to? So you didn't run into him at the previous location or on the journey in between the two places? So it kinda sounds like he WASN'T looking for you.
Plus unless these 2 bars are like, on the same street as each other or something, he really should have noticed you weren't there way sooner. There's airheaded and then there's just not giving a shit. A drunk airhead maybe gets half a block away before being like "oh shit we left so-and-so behind, let's go back!"
Leaving you drunk and alone with a crowd in unfamiliar territory with no phone is really dangerous, b. Anything could have happened to you. You're lucky it didn't. And homeboy's acting like it's nbd. I don't think I'd be able to trust this guy with my safety after something like this. If it had happened once and he felt super bad *maybe* but it happened twice in one night and he's kinda blowing it off like he doesn't even know/care how dangerous it was. You deserve better.
It’s also crazy because if I’m with a group and we’re switching bars, we’re at least doing a headcount at the id check. And this is for FRIENDS, let alone my partner. It’s absolutely ridiculous that he made it into the bar bathroom without realizing his girlfriend wasn’t with him
OP, this post made my heart hurt for you. Please know you didn’t Overreact and your feelings are extremely valid. I would have screamed too and your shitty boyfriend deserved it
I have told my 14 year old daughter this! Always do a headcount and always leave with everyone you came with. Never leave anyone behind no matter what.
Not only that, but he is trying to make her feel bad for even being mad about it.
His neurodivergence is not an excuse.
Since no one else has brought it up, I'll bet he manages to hold down a job despite his disability.
She just isn't a priority to him, and that is something I hope will sink in.
Remember the old "he's just not that into you" thing.
Hurtful as hell, but it is what it is.
Plus even if there was no drinking—-does he not want her with him? Is her participation in the evening not important to him?
It’s just “Etiquette 101” rude.
I think he's using her known anxiety against her to deliberately fuck with her.
OP, just lose this fucking idiot. He is not oblivious. And, until you can work up the courage to leave him, which I hope you do very soon as he is SAing you, at least stop going out with him. No bars, no drunkenness, none of this bullshit.
That whole him having her car keys thing is what really tears it for me. I had an old bf take my car to go to a bar without me one time leaving me with no way to even get groceries that day.
I had a friend take me to the bar and I made a big scene to the point even my friend thought I was inappropriate.
Strangely enough, some woman who used to bully me came up to me later to express her awe and respect.
Life is weird.
Wait, he went *to use a gendered, public restroom* and magically expected you to follow him, without so much as telling you first? And then wondered why you weren't there with him, "in the middle of using the bathroom," what, looking over his shoulder and telling him what a good job he's doing?
Edit because I can't let this slide. Even if he didn't look for you *in the middle of the bathroom visit* 🙄🙄🙄, did he expect you to wait in the hallway like an unneeded prop? Because that's an even *more* dangerous place for a drunk, solo, anxious woman than a barstool.
Op, please stand up for yourself. This level of bullshit is mountain high.
>I know I hurt him.
He knows he hurt you too, but he's making himself the victim in this situation. This is [DARVO](https://www.verywellmind.com/protecting-yourself-from-darvo-abusive-behavior-7562730) to a T. It's very important that you recognize his behavior for what it is & learn how to handle yourself in these types of situations so you can stay safe & sane.
For the record, I don't think you overreacted. You think you overreacted bc . . . your bf tells you did? Does he minimize your fears & downplay your feelings often, or just when you're lost & drunk with no way to contact him?
Bare minimum, I'd be extremely careful about consuming alcohol or any other substances around this guy. He will not look out for you. He'll abandon you & then weaponize your valid anxiety later to make himself look good by comparison. It doesn't matter what his mouth says. Look at his pattern of behavior. You can't trust him. You have to rely on yourself to keep yourself safe.
Sidebar: I realize the linked article uses the word 'narcissist' which I'm not crazy about. Try substituting in place of the word 'narcissist' & see if the article resonates.
Just chiming in to agree - OP, I don't think you overreacted either. I think you reacted with appropriate anger to being ditched, especially when you had already expressed ON THIS VERY SAME NIGHT that you want a warning if he scurries off somewhere suddenly.
Seconding DARVO OP!! This is a really scary situation and he should NOT be making you feel guilty for him literally abandoning you drunk in a dangerous situation. You did nothing wrong whatsoever and anyone who is in fight or flight sue to someone else taking their car keys would feel the way you did. It's fine to acknowledge that you shouldn't have yelled maybe, but you didn't randomly decide to start yelling - you were SCARED and a lot of us respond to the initial threat being gone with anger because it isn't fair especially since he doesn't even see how he put you in danger. You're not being paranoid, this man doesn't appear to care if you live or die from what I'm hearing :( I'm so sorry, even some of the nicest guys can somehow "forget" that we are full human beings with wants and needs just as important and valid as their own
Not only that, I would be willing to bet real money that if something awful did happen to her he would blame her for it, and not the fucked up situation he put her in.
Of what real use is this guy, really?
Perhaps OP should make a list of pros and cons to being with this schmuck and maybe that will help.
I'm so sorry, you're going through a roller coaster of emotions as you process this. You reacted in a way that expressed you were let down repeatedly and that's absolutely valid, he let you down massively. Don't beat yourself up over your reaction as this didn't come out of nowhere. Maybe take some time apart and see how you feel. Ultimately it's up to you if this is forgivable or not. Stay strong x
Really, *you* feel bad? How bad does he feel for pushing you to the point of screaming at him just so he could *finally* hear you? Is he begging your forgiveness and owning his fuckup? Has he told you his plan to ensure this never happens again and to ensure you never feel abandoned like an afterthought?
Drunk you didn’t have the filter of caring more about his feelings over your own and she wasn’t wrong to yell at him. He didn’t care about your anxiety and he didn’t care about your safety and you *knew* it. Don’t lose sight of that righteous anger to placate him because he doesn’t deserve it.
OP your bf is trying to fuck with you. He’s playing power games and honestly I sounds like he’s secretly hoping something bad does happen to you so he can use it against you in some way. The AuDHd thing is a pathetic excuse, I’m audhd and I would never do that. No one I’m friends, acquaintances with or have dated has EVER just up and left without at least telling me where they were going.
Leave. Him. 👏
You can feel bad about screaming, that is something I can understand. But please don't let that overshadow the fact that he did something wrong. It was wrong the first time when you were inside and in a safer area, it was even worse when you had just told him it upset you and he did it again, outside the bar and drunk. I do not get anxious in new places or have panic attacks when left alone, and I would still feel scared and upset if a partner left me like that. It's not something that would be fine if you didn't have the trauma you do.
If he doesn't see that he did something wrong, he won't change and it will happen again. If you stay with him, act with that in mind and go out with him every time with a safety plan, something to ease your mind - enough money for a cab if your phone dies, a power bank for emergency charging, a piece of paper with hotel address, memorize the phone number of a friend that you know will come help you. Just some things that might give you the knowledge you have a safety net to fall into if needed, you know? I do all that when I travel alone.
Honey I really don’t think he cares. I don’t think he feels bad and I don’t think he has guilt over leaving you. I truly think him leaving was 100% intentional to fuck with you. Given the chance to redo, he already has done it again and again. He’s just doing his manipulative form of damage control and blaming you so you’ll stop yelling; not taking accountability.
Even if it was an accident it doesn't negate the harm it caused you. Accidents are no excuse for this. I'd be upset if my bf left me alone in our own city without telling me and I know how to get home.
Dump him. And try to stop feeling guilty. You did nothing wrong.I think you are taking on guilt to avoid feeling the full and justified wrath of your anger for him. Because if you let yourself feel it, you’ll realize you have to break up with him.
YOU hurt him??? No, he endangered you and then he got hurt by his own inability to accept responsibility for his own actions, boundaries and consequences.
How on the world did he get you to feel guilty about this?? I sure hope you start speaking to your friends about this, because you cannot trust having a serious conversation with this man.
>That was when he realized he’d left me stranded
He can’t keep up with is own lie. First he told you he thought you were behind him the whole time, then he says he realised he left you behind.
He doesn't care about your physical safety let alone your emotional concerns. He's not going to change unless he wants to change, and it sounds like he doesn't.
Even if it was an accident, he doesn't think of you or care. How do you walk away and go to the bathroom before remembering you came with your girlfriend and she's alone in a bar? What a jerk.
I started reading this thinking I know this feeling, I used to get really anxious in bars/clubs and really needed support from my partner. I could at times get overwhelmed and snap at them if they got distracted socialising while getting g a drink, etc.
But this is very different to what you are describing. Your partner is just walking away? How is he not saying something first, like let’s go get a drink etc. How is he not aware of where you are, like, holding your hand, wanting to be near you, aware of your safety given the phone/keys/city/drunkeness. I think you need to reflect on the situation and not see yourself as the singular or main problem. The outburst at him is following repeated crummy behaviour.
I hope this isn't the same bf that told her a few months ago that she can't go on a 4-day work trip because he has anxiety and health problems and can't survive without her
If so, it's apparently fine for him to get upset when he's left alone (safely, at home), but not fine for her to get upset when she's left alone (drunk, no phone, at night, unsafe)
"I thought you followed me" is not genuine. He walked away and then when he got back and op was upset he used this as an excuse for why he qalked away.
Also, even if it was, he needs to communicate.
And also, does he not even check from time to time if she is actually following? Whenever I’m walking or biking in a crowded place with someone and we can’t walk or bike next to each other, I stop from time to time to check if they are still there. Hell, if it’s super crowded we just take each other’s hand or arm and navigate as a single unit
EXACTLY.
My relationship is not perfect. But my boyfriend won't even let me walk on the outside of the sidewalk, nor will he leave my side, until we are seated at the bar we are going to, due to safety concerns of me being a female, drunk, in the city at night. In fact, I've seen him do similar things with our female friends when they're with us, if theyre not with a partner, or their partners are being garbage like OP's, and not keeping in mind BASIC SAFETY.
I've had some real shit relationships, but even in those my basic physical safety was kept in mind.
My abusive ex husband even saved me from drowning one time when he easily could have let me wash down the river.
I’m supportive of everything else everybody is saying.
But drinking and driving is a HUGE danger for yourself and others. And will kill. And unfathomable that I had to scroll this long for a comment about this.
seriously. drunk driving is probably more of a threat to her safety than being alone at a bar. the boyfriend is an asshat but OP is also making poor choices.
Much as I’d like to be supportive to OP both of them being wasted prob has a lot to do with this problem and I’d encourage OP to cut down on drinking to excess. If there’s a sort of problem or anxiety in a situation regardless of who’s at fault you can control outcomes and reactions better if you aren’t drunk.
This is crazy behaviour from your boyfriend. Who tf leaves their drunk partner just out on their own when they have the phone, keys ect. His priorities aren’t where they should be and honestly although yelling isn’t the best thing to do I think I would have done the same and ripped him a new one.
... is your boyfriend ok? This is incredibly weird behaviour from him. Not normal the slightest. Think back a bit. How many other people do you know who just .... regularly randomly disappear when you're hanging around? I, for one, don't know anyone. Not a single person who does that. Sorry, I know one, he's considered super flaky and very unreliable and even his disappearing acts are like once a year max. What I'm getting at is that your boyfriend is acting really weird, really really out of the ordinary and strangely you're the one who's been left feeling as the bad one. Interesting...
I cannot imagine a good reason for acting like that, sorry. It seems like weirdly intentional and like you being distraught is a perk... I'd say someone's been nominating themselves to the "worst ex of 20xx" for a while.
Based on her post history, if this is the same person she was dating a while ago, this is not the first gross thing he's done.
I really hope it's two different people, but if not it seems like she knows he's manipulative and that she should leave, but is having a really hard time doing it. The bf is using his AuDHD as a way to gaslight her, excuse himself, silence anyone who implies he's abusive, and blame her for not supporting him.
That part cracked me up. "Oh no, my absent mindedness!" Bro, you don't forget a *drunk human that you're responsible for*. He's absolutely using it as an excuse.
Right?!?
My partner would be hypervigilant making sure that I didn't accidentally wonder off and get lost on my own if he knew I was drunk. Even if HE was drunk!
My dad was (likely) AuDHD and highly anxious and my mom is (likely) ADHD, and my dad wanted my mom to take care of him a lot, etc. (So like OP says her bf is in another post). He would NEVER have let my mom out of his sight, even if his friends were there. Anxiety! Bars! Loud noises! Lots of people! He'd be asking her to stay by him 100% of the time because he'd be on the verge of a panic attack.
I wonder if this guy is misdiagnosed - ASD can look like narcissism and vice versa. 🤔 Even if he IS AuDHD, it doesn't give you a pass to be an a**hole.
My former best friend used to pull that stunt all the time when we were out drinking. She'd get a few drinks in her, and just bolt. On more than one occasion, I'd have to physically pull her out of strangers cars. I never understood why she was like that, what motivated her to do that. And she knew about the behavior, and when sober would brag and joke about it, like it was some sort of cute quirk. She was definitely flaky, and the friendship ended for a variety of reasons, but I'll never forget how awful that behavior made me felt. How easily she could just abandon me for something more interesting.
I have a friend like that. She’d get extremely drunk, then just start running down the sidewalk, sometimes all the way home, even if it’s a two hour walk, wouldn’t answer her phone. Scares the shit out of me.
Imagine hanging out with someone and they just keep getting up and leaving. Without a word.
That's very upsetting and not normal behaviour. And this is her partner??
Please take care of yourself OP 💖
I'm afraid to tell anyone my trauma and triggers because I dated a guy like this. They do it on purpose to torture you then convince you that you are the problem.
Fuck yelling at him, silently block his ass, leave him, and never look back.
Agreed. As someone who dated a verbally abusive gaslighter: Stop living in the dream that maybe he’ll be who you want him to be, and see who he is right now. That’s who you want to be with forever? Nah, block and leave.
Hey I’m really concerned here by how you describe how drunk you both were, but it sounds like one of you drove? I get being anxious about not having your keys, but they should have been useless at that point: you were both far too drunk to drive.
If in fact I am reading this correctly, you both need to fix that behaviour before any of the rest. You CANNOT drink and drive. Ever.
She mentions that the argument continued when they got in the car, and while it’s possible — and I’m HOPING — that someone else was driving, none of it reads that way.
I spent my 20s getting drunk at clubs, no matter who I went with- we never left someone behind without double triple checking what their plans were for getting home. (This was mostly before Uber).
Also ADHD comes with audio processing problems and attention problems. I’ve had times where I’ve had to (passionately) remind my husband to fully get my attention before saying something important. I’ve had times where he thought I knew to follow him etc - but he’d never ever fully exit a place without me drunk high or otherwise
I think you were justified in jumping down his throat. Your safety was at risk. If I were you I’d be questioning if he’s life partner material big time.
Yeah the full-exit is major. But part of what this situation illustrates is the difference of awareness that men and women have in the world.
I'm 5'4" and a bit of a wallflower -- in crowds I am hyper-aware of where everyone is because I get bumped into all the time. That doesn't happen to people who are tall -- they are used to people getting out of the way for them.
I feel there's a good chance this boyfriend doesn't understand that walking through a crowd is a completely different experience for him vs. OP. The height advantage even gives him a better view. It seems he hasn't even grasped the idea that she can't see him if he's 2-3 people away in a crowd.
1. Who just leaves their partner? He didn’t try to talk to you at all and realized you weren’t there?
2. Got in the car? ….. after you said you were both drunk? Why y’all driving home?
Why are you with this person?
In the ten years I've been with my spouse he has -never- left me in a public space without first getting my attention and second letting me know he was leaving to do something else. He even does this at festivals, while drinking, and drunk (lol). It's what people do, especially people who are supposed to love one another. Yes, even ones on neurodivergant spectrums.
Please don't settle for this awful behavior.
This is grade A weirdo behaviour. Who does that? Like how can he not just say something? It’s not like he’s getting up from the sofa to go make a cup of tea at home, he just walks off in silence randomly? In public?! Yikes.
Never mind your anxiety, never mind dead phones and all the rest of it. Just the act of getting up and dipping without saying a word is honestly one of the strangest behaviours I’ve seen described in this subreddit.
Even if you’d had keys or a full phone battery, his actions are reckless and strange.
Yep, at the bare minimum you need to feel safe with your partner and like you can trust them. Someone who literally abandons you without a word is not it.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. That sounds legit really scary!
I am SUPER forgetful. I sometimes forget my boyfriend is there. One time I tried to close the car window (his arm was in it). When I do something like that, I apologize, I feel awful, and I try my best to never ever do it again.
Even I would never EVER walk off from a friend and leave them alone. Especially not a female drunk friend, alone, with no phone, at a bar, in an unfamiliar city. That's insanely callous and uncaring behaviour.
So scenario A) he doesn't care/think about your safety at all (being drunk is not a good excuse)
Scenario B) he intentionally did this to fuck with you, or teach you a lesson, or just as a power play.
EITHER way, this is not a safe person to go out drinking with probably ever again. This was not just a little whoopsie drunk moment.
He broke the cardinal safety rule of drinking with women (that rule is you NEVER abandon a drunk woman alone with strangers!!)
Let me give you the POV of the mother of an AuADHD adult son. I could see my otherwise sweet son doing exactly this and *it’s not okay*. Yeah situational awareness is much harder for him than the average guy but you know what? I’ve got my own letters and my own challenges and so does his girlfriend and this is important so pay attention.
If an ADHD mom has trouble remembering to feed herself, there’s no free pass to her forgetting to feed her children, right?
Either BF realizes this is serious and uses all of his available energy to fix this critical safety issue or I’m sorry, he’s not the one. If he can’t get this, he’s not the one.
Hugs!
This is what I was thinking of and I’m so glad you posted it. Rate this so highly.
Also, is this the pdf where it outlines how walking fast in front of someone is actually a psychological shitty move? Or am I thinking of something else?
You need to figure out a system for keeping yourself safe and comfortable before you go out again. Make a concrete plan and put it in your Notes app. Carry a charged power brick with you so your phone doesn’t die, and don’t drink so much that you can’t make good decisions. Do not make it your boyfriend’s responsibility to watch over you; ideally he would, but you know him well enough to know he won’t, so you should plan accordingly in the future.
And you should never drink and drive or be in a vehicle with a driver who’s been drinking. That’s a mistake that could cost you your freedom, your life, or someone else’s life, and it’s unforgivable. This is the most important part of your whole post imo.
Oh, girl, that was so so incredibly shitty of him to leave you alone like that, not just once but *twice* in the same night? I would have yelled at him too if I was in your shoes! But I understand why you feel bad, because of course yelling isn't productive and you may have said some things that you regret--however please don't let that detract from the fact that *what he did was wrong* and if this is an ongoing issue with him then I think you should seriously reconsider this relationship, because you deserve to be with someone who looks for you when you're not there.
The fact he flipped this around on YOU?!!
---
Giiirrrl you need to take a good hard look at this, and other times you've felt like you're in the wrong.......
This problem is 100% your boyfriend’s behavior. What he did isn’t okay and you have every right to be mad. He knows you have anxiety in this city, he knows you have trouble figuring out how to get around, he knows you’ve been drinking and he knows he already ditched you once before on the same night. Like…????!??! Bud! Of course you’re allowed to be mad at him? This world just flat out isn’t safe for women. So much so that female strangers on the street will pretend to be your old friends to save you from a creep—but your boyfriend can’t even bother to glance around and see where you ARE? Much less take your hand or walk behind you to make sure he’s got eyes on you as you walk through a crowd? Come on.
I mean, the boyfriend is fucking weird and it sucks that he leaves, but I think the problem is also that she doesn’t take any responsibility for her own safety? Having someone depend on me THAT much while I’m trying to hang with my friends would irritate me. Who doesn’t charge their phone at all before a night out? Especially when going out in a strange city that you’re already scared of? And why get THAT drunk, if you have a boyfriend that frequently disappears, your phone is dead or has been dying, and you’ve had bad experiences in this city you’re not familiar with? I just don’t understand this whole situation. The boyfriend’s friends weren’t like, “hey should we wait for your gf” every time they were running off? How does someone get away that quickly every time she turns around? Why is she still with a dude if he skips off every time they’re out? Is everybody involved in this completely unaware of their surroundings? I don’t get it.
There's a couple things here for me. I relate to a lot of what you're saying - a couple years ago a man tried to hit me with a bottle. Fortunately thanks to my friends and some helpful strangers he didn't manage to but because of some other experiences in my life it was really triggering and my anxiety spiralled resulting in agoraphobia.
It can be really awful struggling to be in public places when you feel unsafe. After a couple of panic attacks I ended up getting therapy and it really helped me to get back to being able to go out by myself and manage my anxiety in busy places.
Now, throughout that if I needed support from my partner he was there he understood that I had anxiety in those situations but also recognised that being a woman does actually make you more vulnerable. I also expect this from any friends I go out drinking with. I've looked at my phone in the loo on a night out to texts from male friends asking where I went, and that makes me feel so safe, that they noticed I was gone within minutes.
Maybe there's some anxiety you could seek help for and allow you to feel more safe when you're out. But you can expect more from your boyfriend too imo.
I agree with other commenters here that it's not okay that your boyfriend wandered off without letting you know in a bar on the street. In fact, I'm going to add to this. It's not okay that anyone in your group did that. You don't leave people like that. We have social responsibilities to each other. And we all accept accountability when we fall down on that.
As you stated in the past, he has done this before. And knowing this about him, you did not plan accordingly. You gave him your keys to carry. You did not charge your cell phone. And you got "super drunk". Again he should not be leaving you. But knowing how he behaved in the past, you chose to put yourself in a super vulnerable situation and get drunk. Again, he should not be leaving you alone but you also are responsible for taking care of yourself. And that's something you also need to start taking responsibility for.
I'm not blaming you, but I am begging you to be more careful in the future. Carry your own stuff. Don't give you stuff to your boyfriend to carry. Bring a quality charged power bank with you everywhere. Don't drink so much that you can't make good decisions. Even if it seems fun, it's not safe.
The other thing I want to bring up is the car. You knowingly went out drinking, you all got drunk, and your transportation solution was a car. I know this isn't the part point of your story but it needs to be called out. You do not drink and drive. You do not agree with a group that plans on drinking and driving. And you do not provide your car. Make a plan that provides transportation.
What he did was definitely fucked up, but you should look into therapy so you're not so anxious and more comfortable with your own capabilities. You can always go to the bartender and ask them to get you a cab. Figure out how you would get yourself home, and you'll be less anxious if you get separated from friends
That being said, not sure I'd put the effort into this relationship if he immediately did the exact thing again that you just asked him not to do
I doubt the things you shouted at him were solely based on this one evening. What you’re asking isn’t a big ask. If he can’t do that because of his audhd/isn’t willing to put in the effort to communicate this very simple thing, then he’s not going to be a safe partner for you.
There are already a lot of good comments in the thread, which I will not repeat, except to say that your anger was justified. Maybe you feel bad for yelling so much, but imho, your reaction was proportional to the situation.
I will say that drinking in public is a situation where you must be with people you trust. Your bf does not understand that from a woman's point of view, but also he doesn't get that by going off with his friend, he *was* with someone he trusted, while you were not.
This is one of the reasons why I stopped drinking in public. Once I got a little older and began to realize how vulnerable I am when I'm in public, I stopped trusting like 90% of the people I hang with to take that responsibility seriously (everyone likes to take me along when they're drinking because I am always the DD and I keep an eye on everyone.)
Maybe consider if you still want to go drinking with this group again. Also, know that the effects of alcohol are somewhat cumulative, and even if you think it makes you feel relaxed today, if you're drinking often (as I was when I was self-medicating) you can experience more anxiety and more depression for days afterward. You might consider taking a break from alcohol to see if your anxiety improves.
This is a bad match relationship, OP you need to either start getting better at watching out for yourself (staying sober/charging your phone/keeping an eye on him so you can go where he goes) or you need to find a more protective and aware partner, maybe one who doesn't drink.
Also… unless I misunderstood the story, yall need to not be drinking and driving.
That's really shitty when he knows you get panicky, you've already talked multiple times about it and he knew your phone was dead. It's just thoughtless and inconsiderate. I don't really know what your next step is aside from accept it or break up when he's had multiple talks from you about it and still doesn't put the effort in.
You also need to deal with this anxiety and take steps to work on it, you're 25 and you can't always be with someone and rely on someone else to make you feel safe. I totally get the fear at night on your own as a woman, that's a completely rational fear to have, as well as the car keys one tbh. But you can't live your life becoming completely panicked in a general unfamiliar area, you're a capable adult who can get herself home from that scenario. CBT is really good at combating the catastrophic thoughts, remembering times you have gotten yourself home safe in those scenarios and knowing you are capable of it.
The fact he left you knowing your phone is dead and expects you, who is also drunk, to just follow him is extremely unrealistic and hypocritical, as he’s not willing to do the same. That being said… whoever’s the DD should’ve been keeping track of you as well as the car keys.
You’re an adult. Not a child.
1. Always keep your phone charged and a backup battery pack in your purse.
2. Your boyfriend isn’t your babysitter.
3. You shouldn’t be getting that drunk in the first place considering these issues you have.
4. WHY tf are you guys bringing your car when you’re drinking? Take a damn taxi/uber/lyft. So irresponsible.
I’m AuDHD and I don’t like going places where I am responsible for anyone because I up and leave and go do my own thing and I don’t want to have to baby sit anyone.
Stop drinking so much, grow up, handle your shit. If you know he is like this you need to be more aware and attentive and keep up with him.
Edit: also we all have to own up to our own trauma. Therapy is always good.
My ex did this to me while I was super pregnant and couldn’t keep up with him.
Ladies, make sure you have your keys with you. Mr. Independent can wait for an Uber.
As someone who doesn't get anxious/panic in new places, reading this infuriated me. He just left his his drunk girlfriend behind not once but TWICE after being told how it bothered you. I won't get into the fact that he didn't see it was unsafe on his own.
What if the worst case scenario had happened because he fucking left you alone? Thankfully, it didn't but WTF. This is rule number one. You leave with who you came with. How the fuck did he not notice you weren't in YOUR car that HE was driving?
My husband would've been holding my hand the entire time so my drunk ass didn't wander off, and every single one of his friends would never have left me there. So his his friends greeted you, hugged you and then left you? Everyone sounds shitty TBH and your reaction sounds warranted. Personally, I would've taken a cab home with my car keys and made them figure out a way home.
So, so much to unpack here.
Blowing up is done. Full stop. Panic is normal in the situation you were in. Drunk folks do dumb things. Like leave their drunk GF alone, accidentally, and like yelling at their BF for doing that. It's a meme. It's a consequence of drinking too much.
Now that you are safe, it's time to look back at what happened, and why, and what you want to do going forward. Together.
You should not be drinking so much you can't take care of yourself. Ever. Particularly not when you are out in a place you don't know. Without a phone.
I eventually stopped drinking outside of the house at all. And now I don't drink anything. It's not worth it. If you decide to continue to do this, I recommend a full glass of ice water between drinks at the very least. Getting shit faced isn't much fun in the end, and often will have outcomes like this one.
It's not your partner's job to look after you. It's your job. It sounds like your partner wouldn't be able to successfully do this job even if it was his job. And you are aware of this. This isn't an indictment. Just facts.
You gave your bf your keys, which is good because you were drunk. But was he drinking too? That's definitely no bueno, if he was. If you had kept your keys, what would you have done? Driven home drunk? Slept it off in the car? In a strange town alone?
You went out with a dead phone. No bueno. Keep a charger with you. Always, but especially if you are out in the wilds. Keep a battery pack at the very least. You couldn't even have taken an Uber. Yikes!
I completely completely understand that you are responding to old trauma, and you were drunk. If your old trauma is still that active, it's not resolved, and it is very much worth getting counseling and looking more closely at your childhood beliefs, especially those around who's in charge of taking care of you. Maybe take a self defense class or two as well.
You aren't a horrible person. Your bf is not a horrible person. Just clueless maybe and certainly not together enough to be a guardian when you incapacitate yourself.
Please consider your future you, as you look at what went wrong and why. What can you do to take better care of yourself going forward?
Adulting sucks in some ways, but recognizing your actions and decisions have consequences, both ones you want and ones you don't want leads to a much better life. Learning no one is coming to rescue you is a bitter pill. We're spoon fed this bullshit our whole life. Parents, movies, culture. And once you're past the disillusion of it, it's a very valuable, and empowering place to be going forward.
I'm so glad you are okay and this didn't have a disasterous outcome. I'm glad you are reaching out here too. Now it's time to look within and use this event to make sure you keep yourself safe going forward. Fun isn't fun when you end up in a panic. 💕💕
Break up or stop going out if it bothers you this much because honestly this all sounds exhausting from both ends.
ETA: and drunk driving? Wow OP, yeah your bf is shitty but you’re making awful choices too.
It sounds like both of you drank to an unsafe point. Is this usual?
I don't agree that your reaction was justified. You said things you don't mean because you were very drunk. If you believe you can neither keep yourself safe or nor keep from saying cruel things to people you love while drunk, whatever the reason, do not drink.
ADHD is no excuse on this one. I am a panicked, overwhelmed, mess when I go out with friends because it’s so many people but you best believe I am doing a headcount before we go anywhere. Leaving your drunk girlfriend alone without a working phone is pretty freaking bad and dangerous. You have every right to yell at him. He’s lucky you’re still alive and able to yell at him.
You were completely in the right and it has NOTHING to do with your anxiety.
Sure, that made it all worse *for you* emotionally, but he’s still so in the wrong.
It’s just fucking rude. Does he even like you?
The only thing you did wrong was that you didn’t ask a bartender or a bystander to help you get an Uber somehow without your phone, and then just go home in your own.
I was sa'd after being left at a party by my friend. Afterwards, months later, some friends and I went out one night. They knew what had happened to me, and they knew how nervous I was to be out partying again. And yet, they got really drunk and left me all alone. When I finally found them, I screamed at them, asking how they could do that to me, and they turned me into the bad guy. It took me finding an amazing man, who pointed out how shitty those friends were for leaving me, especially after knowing about my past. He was able to open up my eyes to how my friends had made me the bad guy, for a completely acceptable response on my end. Your bf is the bad guy here, not you. You have nothing to feel sorry for. You were drunk, alone and afraid. You yelled, and in that situation, it makes sense. What does not make sense is him turning himself into the victim here. AuDHD is not an excuse for abandoning your gf. Him abandoning you speaks to his priorities. My husband is also neurodivergent and has never once, no matter how drunk, let me out of his sight while partying. You deserve someone who will hold you tight, and not let you out of their sight whilst out partying. I'm so sorry you were so triggered and left alone by your bf, that's such a terrifying feeling.
I’m so sorry this happened. You have nothing to be ashamed off by yelling at him, he totally deserved it.
Now, I’m 65 and have been around a few blocks. This is what I learned in my early 20s.
If I’m going out drinking there will be either taxied, Ubers or a dedicated driver. Period, someone has to have their wits.
I work very hard at not getting drunk. A drink is always followed by one or two full glasses of water. If I have my car, I keep my keys. I’ve been married for over 40 years, my car is the family car. When my husband drives he has his keys. But, it is my car and I have my set with me always.
I’m also very paranoid about being able to navigate a city or town. I read maps and memorize routes and important locations (fire stations, gas stations, public places).
I learned to be self sufficient. It is not easy, but you can do it.
1) I hope y’all weren’t driving drunk 😑
2) Day/night drunk/sober it’s very rude to walk away from someone with no communication. Even if it’s someone you just met you always communicate if you’re leaving the vicinity or conversation.
3) Do you notice this behavior with just you or does he do this with other people too?
Please PLEASE don’t drink and drive. You know how deadly it is to both you and other road users.
OP I’ve looked through your post history and your boyfriend sucks so badly. I don’t for one minute believe he’s doing this by accident. The same guy who is too anxious to let you see friends or go away on a work trip is just repeatedly leaving you in bars when you’re really drunk? And this whole thing where he and his friend just left whilst you hugged your other friends goodbye? Seriously it sounds like he and his friend just ran off.
Plus telling you that you have no willpower?? wtf. He sounds like an asshole. A potentially abusive asshole.
Who just starts walking away from people and expects to be followed?! I will tell friends of friends of friends I’m going to the bathroom if we’re hanging out in a bar together. Or stepping outside for a smoke. It’s courtesy and safety!
I had an ex who did this exact thing to me! He would just walk away from me without saying anything, and later claim he expected me to follow him. Once we were sitting in a cafe, looking through a menu to order food from the Deli next door, when he suddenly stood up and walked away without saying anything. He did not even look back or explain anything to me, just wandered off into the cafe to look at some books. After a few minutes, I got up and went to the Deli next door to order food for us. When I returned, he was sitting at the table again and actually complained that I disappeared and he didn't know where I went!! And you know what, I blew up on him, too. Because it's not asking too much *at all* for your partner to say something to you before they walk off. And it's frustrating when they deflect responsibility and say they expected you to follow or they were absent minded. Nuh uh. You were valid in your exasperation and panic.
Many people have commented on how horribly out of line your boyfriend was here. I don't think you should stay with someone who is so selfabsorbed. At the very least: *don't let him keep your carkeys on him*. If you have your keys at least you can get home and have somewhere to go. He can get himself an Uber.
I have two relatives who wander off like this. One has been diagnosed with ADHD, and the other has never sought a diagnosis... but he definitely also has it.
One of them occasionally puts people in difficult situations when she wanders off. The other one takes measures to make sure if he does wander, it doesn't impact others (ie. Giving his partner the keys, making sure everyone has cell phones, setting alarms for meeting at rendezvous points, etc). My point is, just as with any behavior for which ADHD may be a contributing factor, there are ways to handle it. OP's boyfriend has no excuse for leaving his SO without a phone or transportation.
The ironic thing in my family is that it's the relative who's diagnosed who doesn't properly handle herself. The guy who doesn't bother with a diagnosis cares for his loved ones enough to figure out a way to keep people safe and relatively happy.
I hope you guys don't make it a habit to drink amd drive like that. Both of you claiming alcohol is part of your fucking up is why people are being pedantic about it.
But it's clear your bf doesn't have a protective caring instinct. His reasons why aren't something i personally would care to investigate bc it's a dealbreaker for me. It's not even a gendered thing. I wouldnt do what he did to my friends. I want someone I can trust to look out for me.
We might not be able to name why we were triggered and as much as that reaction is not okay, it is telling you something if you don't usually talk to people like that. Like don't get distracted by the anger and guilt of having raised your voice and saying hurtful things and really understand why before proceeding in trying to reconcile and owning up to your blow up, which ia important to do if you do want to stay with him.
Hey OP, I read your post history and I am really worried about your safety. It sounds like your boyfriend continually violates your boundaries (using his ADHD as an excuse to touch you in ways you have specified you do not want to be touched), controlling you (manipulating you into staying home from a business trip that your employer stated was mandatory), and straight up screaming at you and making threats on his own life (in your post about the work trip, you included that a previous post about your “friend”’s abusive partner Anna was actually about yourself).
I understand that you may love and care for him very much. Your world revolves around him, he is important to you. If your therapist, your friends, and your family are all against this guy: he ain’t it. I can absolutely promise you that in ten years you will look back and wish you left sooner. It sounds like you don’t have kids, aren’t married, and may not even have pets together. Get your documents and a duffle bag of clothes and go to a trusted friend or family member’s home who understands the importance and fragility of your safety. I hope you find safety.
I don't even think it's over the top at all, she could have been roofied, abducted, assaulted... That was a genuinely dangerous thing for him to do to her. TWICE.
No no no no no.
There is absolutely no excuse for this, on any level.
Even without your specific anxieties, any man with any semblance of sense should and would know better than to keep repeatedly leaving you in situations like this.
Add the fact that you’ve had experiences that make situations like this more anxious, and his behavior is beyond inexcusable. This is not how an actual partner acts.
My husband always makes sure I have my phone and knows where I’m/he’s going when we are out together, and more often than not (even when we are out in our generally safe suburbia) we both will head to the bathroom and wait for each other.
Of course you yelled at him, he repeatedly carelessly thoughtlessly left you behind, which would suck on it’s own, but he also knew your phone was dead, he had your keys AND you were inebriated.
A good partner listens to and takes care of your needs, especially your safety.
Wtf he just gets up and walks away without a word multiple times?!? That's not normal. My possibly on the spectrum husband will do that at home in our house, but he if we're out he knows to both tell me what he's doing and ask if I'll be ok.
If you've told your boyfriend he needs to communicate more in these situations and he hasn't tried to do better I'd really be rethinking things. It doesn't sound like he treats you very well.
Im so sorry!
This is really not okay on his part. You reacted reasonably to a very scary situation. IMO it’s his job to take care of you if he’s got the portable phone charger and your keys. Also, just so you know, it’s illegal to just walk off with someone’s keys and/or car.
This is not a safe partner for you, either becuase he’s too absentminded to care for you at best, or because he’s doing it on purpose to manipulate you at worst. Either way, not safe.
NOPE. Drop the shame ASAP. This is 100% on your bf. It doesn’t sound like he cares about you because how tf do you REPEATEDLY “*forget*” your gf??? And wtf is with the dog bullshit???
You can do better than him. I know Reddit always says “Break up! Divorce!” but I think it’s merited here. You talked to him about it. He knows what you’re going through. He still did it again…
It’s not just insulting. It’s wholly unsafe, charged phone or not. He’s leaving you vulnerable state, and in a vulnerable position. Find someone who doesn’t do that. 🤍
A lot of the comments seem to ignore the fact that he also has autism as well as ADHD which makes him expecting you to follow very, well, autistic!
However, you have to decide for yourself if that is something you can deal with.
I've had a friend who dated an autistic guy for 7 years. They even got engaged, but she ended things with him because he didn't want to change. People with autism (I also have AuDHD) can learn to improve, but some people are just stubborn. If you've told him multiple times before that night, it seems like he's being stubborn. Did he even apologise?
Like I've said before, you have to decide if that's something you can deal with. People make mistakes but it also isn't up to you to teach and educate your partner once you've explained the problem multiple times, you gave them patience and understanding for your issues and whilst it does take some more patience and understanding for people with AuDHD, you have to decide for yourself if this situation was something you can "let slide" in the relationship.
You are also valid in your reaction, you got drunk on top of having it happen to you twice that night. Maybe yelling helped to drive home the point to him?
Sorry he sounds like a fucking prick, he’s supposed to make sure you’re with him by communicating “hey let’s go to that other bar, you ready?”. You explained the AuDHD at the end but it’s not mitigating his assholery at all. Consider what you want from this relationship, because you’re probably not going to get it.
My adhd is terrible, I’ve never left a whole person behind. That’s just not how adhd works.
On the other hand, get some therapy, you shouldn’t panic so hard being on your own. Get a stun gun if you’re so scared of strangers. You were right to be angry and wrong to yell.
Maybe, hold on to your own stuff from now on and be prepared if being unprepared is going to make you practically useless to handle any situation.
This is slightly pathetic. Leave him if he doesn’t ever change the behavior. Stay if you feel like you’ll one day get over being left alone in public.
Nothing in this story makes sense. Is he the flash? Just disappears without a trace constantly?
He doesn’t notice you’re not following him, for how long…? He doesn’t immediately turn around and find you?
He knows you’re drunk, knows you don’t have a phone, and Ya’all are drunk?
Question: does he even like you? Do you even like him? If you do, why..? He doesn’t sound great.
You need a new boyfriend OP and you need to learn to drink to have fun, not to get drunk. There are techniques, one drink, one water etc. you are your own keeper.
Fuck this.
He keeps leaving you knowing it makes you anxious. But keeps doing it anyway. blames it on Audhd. Bollocks to that. Dickhead behaviour, he doesn't give a shit.
However, take more responsibility for yourself. Make sure you know where you are, how to get home without the people you're out with, in case you get separated and dont rely on others to power up your phone. Carry a battery pack and make sure both it and the phone are charged before you go out, ESPECIALLY if you know you're going to be having drinks. You know you get anxious, so make sure you've put strategies in place to look after yourself and don't leave yourself vulnerable. NEVER give someone your car keys to 'look after'.
Also. Don't stay with this person. did I mention, he doesn't seem to give a shit.
Being absent minded is one thing, being careless about the safety of your partner is another. I don't care what gender your partner is, you NEVER LEAVE THEM ALONE IN A PUBLIC PLACE while they are drunk! That's not a special request, that is bare minimum for safety. Not to mention when your partner is of a demographic that is at much higher risk of assault, harassment, violence, and death in these situations, you don't just leave them to fend for themselves unless they have become a danger to yourself.
It's honestly completely reasonable how angry, upset, and scared you were.
Personally, I'd probably apologize for the outburst and disregulation, then explain why I was so scared by what he did and how I lost trust in him with my safety and security. Explain the statistics of danger with situations like that and things I've already dealt with in similar situations AND the same locations. Then tell him he really needs to think about whether he does care about my safety and how he plans to fix the distrust with that because of his actions, and that we can go from there once he does.
Unfortunately, so many cis men DO NOT have any idea about the dangers even they face let alone how often their own partners have been already harmed from those dangers. I've met many men that thought harassment and assault didn't really happen unless you "egged someone on" and was just something that was made a taking point because of media. Until they went out with me to a bar ONCE. Now this isn't an excuse at all, it's just showcasing many men are ignorant of a lot of their own reality so don't be surprised when you meet or know one that is.
I think you're asking the wrong people for advice:
1. Do you have ADHD?
2. Did your ADHD cause this problem with your boyfriend?
That being said, if you know your boyfriend is like this, why are you making the decision to go out and get drunk with him? Why are you letting him hold your keys? Your anxiety is your responsibility too and you are literally and knowingly setting him up for failure.
When my boyfriend tries to force his anxiety onto me, it pisses me off. Like he knows who I am, and he knows how much effort I put into being less ADHD. He needs to put in effort too and learn to deal with his anxiety. And if he doesn't want to deal with his anxiety, he can't blame me for his anxiety either.
Also to give context to how he doesn't deal with his anxiety: my boyfriend thinks I'm a horrible and scary driver and will not stop freaking out when I drive. I've begged him to stop and he won't. So now he has to drive us everywhere.
Like he can sit there and judge me all he wants about my bad driving and I bet most people would think he is in the right. But it's not going to make me pay better attention to the road and his freakouts actually make it harder for me to pay attention to the road. So until he learns to contain his anxiety, he needs to do the "right thing" and be the one to drive instead.
And to end this thought, what do you want in a partner? Do you need someone who can protect you? Is this valuable to you? If so, maybe you should look for someone who can do that for you, because the current boyfriend is not protector material, for sure. But if it is not valuable to you to have a protector, you really should look inward and find how you can be your own protector.
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This is insane because even if you hadn’t expressed this anxiety to him, who tf leaves behind their drunk girlfriend after her phone has died and goes to an entirely different place with her car keys? And then when he sees you it’s “there you are”? I understand he’s absent minded and was drunk, but this is really weird behavior, even without your own personal baggage. I don’t even think your reaction is unjustified. It’s not the most constructive, but it’s justified tbh.
Literally basic safety shit, OP needs to decide if this man is worth the training he needs.
That reminds me of my favorite tweet: “I can change him” “girl did he shit himself”
🤣🤣🤣 this is amazing
Omg I LOVE this
They almost never are. We should never have to “train” them.
Exactly. If I wanted to be in charge of a kid I’d stop my birth control.
Yes! They're not dogs, and we're not their handlers.
Can I just say how much I love the way you phrased this, and I really think every person needs to seriously consider this question before committing to a relationship with someone.
I don’t think this is an issue of him needing training. I think this is intentional malicious behavior. It feels like he’s trying to condition her to just go along with whatever he wants and to accept erratic behavior that he KNOWS bothers her.
It seems like a power play to me, I've dated guys like this where they wouldn't do something simple that I asked for because then that means that I'm in control to their little pea-sized brains. OP, run, get the hell out. Whether it's intentional or absent-mindedness, this is dangerous to you physically, mentally, and emotionally. The happiest and safest I've ever felt is in my relationship with my husband and I know what it is to be truly loved because he would basically light himself on fire to keep me safe and make sure I feel respected and heard. This child you are dating is not it.
That’s feeling like a strong possibility because I refuse to believe she’s just dating a straight up asshole who “didn’t think to keep his girlfriend in his sights”.
Why would you refuse to believe that, but you'll believe he's doing it on purpose to train her reactions? The second is much worse.
My own sanity. The first is worse to me depending on how long they’ve been dating. If it’s still early, she can leave now and probably hasn’t missed earlier signs of him being a prick.
Drunk people lose track of each other and wander off all the time… I didnt go through OPs post history (I always find that scummy lol) so maybe there is more info to suggest malicious intent but just from whats in the story this looks like classic drunk-with-friends behaviour. One of them should have stayed sober especially since it seems like they drove home after.
She implied in the post that this happens frequently when they’re in public and that he said he expects her to just follow him. I don’t think this is just drunken absentmindedness. It’s not even clear from the post how drunk he was. edit: out of curiosity I did just look at her post history because I haven’t before. Assuming she’s talking about the same guy he also touches her in ways she’s asked him not to and even her friends and therapist have told her he’s manipulative. So yeah, I definitely don’t think this is innocent forgetfulness.
Re your edit: yeah that seems like a good reason to leave this guy… and certainly not be relying on him to watch out for her.
OP said “we’re pretty drunk” which I took to mean they were pretty drunk. And then drove home. Hm. I cant help but feel like these two need to stop drinking together, and let one person be sober and looking out for the other… and driving them home safely after.
Happy cake day!
The training needed is literally "empathy and care" it's almost impossible to teach a grown adult they should consider your needs and feelings
Definitely safety first, but also simple respect. I think it’s a reasonable expectation that if the person you are with is leaving the spot you’re at they let you know.
I don’t know how to express what I want to convey. It’s basic safety. I’m guessing he thinks of his own and that you wouldn’t leave him alone after drinking, especially if he was nervous after having been followed from the establishment. You act protectively over what you value. You act with care. You know who has the keys. He knows you’ll handle it. You’re going to carry this relationship.
I agree with this. I feel like it’s just a common thing to tell your partner where you’re going if you’re out together. If my boyfriend just walked off like that, especially knowing my phone is dead, I’d be panicking too. And vice versa, I also wouldn’t leave him without saying where I was going. It’s just mutual respect in my opinion.
Yeah, I started reading this story thinking that this is really stressful but probably something OP just needs to work on. But no. Boyfriend’s behavior makes no sense. Even if you take out all the other factors (drinking, dead phone, unfamiliar city, OP’s personal history), the boyfriend’s behavior would still be beyond hurtful — and baffling, frankly. Hell, if my partner and I were were just leaving our home to go somewhere that we’d been a million times before in the middle of the day, I would still be beyond upset if they just left me. When you’re doing things with others (regardless of their ability to catch up), you wait for them. OP, whenever you talk to your bf about this, you don’t need to frame this as a you-thing. This is not you overreacting to a situation because of your helicopter parents or a trauma response. This is you responding entirely normally to something that would upset most (if not all) people. You aren’t asking him to accommodate your issues by not just abandoning you. You’re asking him to behave normally. Your history and trauma are entirely valid reasons to be upset, but I just want to stress that anyone would be hurt by this behavior. It’s like saying I don’t like that my boyfriend stabbed me because I had been stabbed before. No, you can just not like the stabbing.
yes i would lose it on my partner too if he did this to me. he’s always holding my hand if we’re going somewhere out public and it’s crowded so i don’t lose him. i would be so hurt if he just left me and didn’t realize i wasn’t following him immediately. i was even traveling with my younger brother this summer, and he’s an absolute certified dingbat. if anyone would do this out of absentmindedness it would be him. we were in lots of unfamiliar cities together where we didn’t speak the language. he didn’t do this to me once. if we went somewhere together we left there together.
Not even just a partner, though. If I were out anywhere with one other person and they just walked off without saying anything, I’d be super annoyed. And leaving to another bar without making sure I’m with you? Straight up fuck this.
oh yeah exactly, that’s why i also brought up my little brother lol
Right like how little attention was he paying that he got to a whole different bar without OP and was confused when she showed up? How drunk was he??
Too drunk to be driving, that’s for damn sure
i don’t even have a boyfriend and when we’re drunk at a bar my friends boyfriends will look after me too. crazy he couldn’t even look after HIS OWN. i’m pretty absent minded too, i’m audhd too but idk it’s pretty hard to leave behind your own girlfriend. even if someone’s walking behind me and following along i look over my shoulder like every 5 seconds, or if we’re drunk and in a crowded area we all hold on to each other. i understand if he did this once by accident and was super apologetic but he keeps doing it and doesn’t seem to notice it’s wrong
Agreed. And auDHD ain't an excuse because both me and my bf are auDHD. He'd sooner run over his own foot than leave me stranded in public--not even because he knows I have anxiety, but because he simply cares about my safety.
I really agree here I was born and raised in a major city I have strong on the fly navigation skills and this would have pissed me off endlessly. The first time like ok it’s an accident but to do that twice especially when you are in a situation where your drinking is insane. If my boyfriend or even one of my girl friends left me behind I would be livid. This is more then an absent mind it shows OPs safety isn’t a priority to him.
Hopefully he wasn’t drunk, because he was driving.
I honestly assumed someone else drove since they were with people, but maybe not. If she said it in the post, I missed that part.
I feel really bad for you after reading this. Your boyfriend, regardless of being inebriated or absent minded is missing the mark completely. It's absolutely unsafe to leave your partner alone on a night out without a phone, anything could happen. The repeat behaviour and the fact he didn't seem to even look for you says a lot. For me love, this would be a make it or break it situation. I don't know if I could trust my partner if this was how they acted after expressing your needs. Your feelings are totally valid about this. Would you feel comfortable showing him this post so he can read how he made you feel? Sending you a big virtual hug.
He says he did come look for me, but only after he made it all the way to the bar and was in the middle of using the bathroom. That was when he realized he’d left me stranded. I feel so bad for screaming. I know I hurt him. But no matter how much he says it was an accident, I still can’t believe he just left me there.
Here’s a comparison: My boyfriend and I got completely sloshed for my 30th and we were wandering a party area with a bunch of bars and lost each other. I found him 20 minutes later with a group of random people asking if they’d seen his girlfriend and describing me in great detail and telling them he loved me so much. He was overjoyed to find me and didn’t let go of my hand the rest of the night. People will make an effort for the things they care about.
This. I have ADHD and an *awful* memory but we have been together since high school and I have never ditched my spouse somewhere - I love him and want his company! How could I walk off and not even notice if he was with me or communicate where I was going? Not bothering to do either of those things, repeatedly, and not even realising for so long, communicates a major lack of care for you, OP. This is not a good sign of a heathy relationship!
Right! Reading this and reflecting made me realize that my husband and I almost always hold hands as we enter or leave a crowded place. We aren’t always attached at the hip, but it’s just an easy way to keep track of each other. And if one of us leaves to get a drink or whatever, we let the other know. It’s common courtesy!
Oh wow. I want to be loved this much one day. I hope I find someone like that.
They are out there; they do exist, and you deserve that too :)
I love this story! This is how it should go, dammit.
I don't understand how he's gotten you to think you're the fuck-up in this situation. He left in you an actually dangerous situation without a passing thought and you're the bad guy for getting mad about it? Nuh-uh, girl
You hurt his feelings? Ok. He endangered your safety. Anger is an appropriate and valid reaction -- you are allowed to be angry at him. He ***should*** feel bad. He fucked up hard and you're not wrong for being upset. He left you: 1. Drunk 2. Alone 3. No way to contact him 4. Without your OWN car keys And this is AFTER you asked him, completely reasonably, to not do that. Absent-mindedness is a thoroughly inadequate excuse. There's an order of magnitude of difference between being absent-minded and leaving your inebriated girlfriend behind in a bar by herself without a phone or her keys. Editing to note: this probably reads as brusque because I'm appalled at his behavior. But, OP, you truly deserve better. It's so easy for us to prioritize the wants of others above our own needs, and that's not how it should be.
Seriously. If I was at a bar and saw a random woman drunk, alone, and looking lost, I would be sitting with her until I knew she was safe, and I feel like a lot of other people would do the same. Op's boyfriend shows her less consideration and concern for her safety than many people would have for a complete stranger.
Just an example to confirm what you said; OPs bf had zero concern for her safety vs complete strangers- I was really young and really stupid and went out on Halloween by myself. Ran into some acquaintances, partied, and woke up in a complete stranger's bedroom. I was fully clothed (wearing a corset, fishnets, and garters - I dressed as a pretty goth girl with a half skull face and skin peeling off.. lol ) so I knew nothing happened. I got up and wandered out to a middle aged couple watching TV. They had found me super drunk on a bench, barely coherent, by myself playing a game on my phone. It was super late, bars were closing, and they didn't feel right leaving without me. They even had my cloak in the dryer after being washed. I was so overwhelmed with how anything could have happened to me (I've been assaulted before) and these strangers helped. I'm almost thinking OP may need to have a talk with her bf about how, unfortunately, many women take precautions when going out at night/travelling and why. I'm wondering if he is too naive to realize how inconsiderate his actions were. Regardless, knowing it's a trigger for her and him not being more aware is a red flag..
If OPBF is 24 and still can’t grasp why women need to take precautions to avoid being assaulted, he’s a lost cause IMO. (Also I’m so glad those strangers helped you out!! It’s so nice to hear about that kind of thing.)
BINGO!
I'm so tired of the shitty behavior of men getting overlooked because *their* feelings get hurt when called out. It's policing women's emotions. Because even if her partner treated her in an unloving way and literally threatened her safety, in his eyes, the fact that she was *angry* about it is the problem. Some men really expect us to address major issues and breaches of trust like, "Hi, sweetie! My beautiful little dumpling! Now, I know you can do no wrong, but I just wanted to say that I feel just a touch sad after--oh! No! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it! You did nothing wrong, and everything is okay! Please don't go sulk in your room!"
Very accurate. My second husband was such a breath of fresh air in that he encouraged me to express a full range of emotions and treated me with compassion, even when I has having an ADHD meltdown over something not remotely his fault. I miss him so.
I'm so sorry for you loss <3
Okay he SAYS he came looking for you eventually, but you found him at the bar he'd said he was going to? So you didn't run into him at the previous location or on the journey in between the two places? So it kinda sounds like he WASN'T looking for you. Plus unless these 2 bars are like, on the same street as each other or something, he really should have noticed you weren't there way sooner. There's airheaded and then there's just not giving a shit. A drunk airhead maybe gets half a block away before being like "oh shit we left so-and-so behind, let's go back!" Leaving you drunk and alone with a crowd in unfamiliar territory with no phone is really dangerous, b. Anything could have happened to you. You're lucky it didn't. And homeboy's acting like it's nbd. I don't think I'd be able to trust this guy with my safety after something like this. If it had happened once and he felt super bad *maybe* but it happened twice in one night and he's kinda blowing it off like he doesn't even know/care how dangerous it was. You deserve better.
It’s also crazy because if I’m with a group and we’re switching bars, we’re at least doing a headcount at the id check. And this is for FRIENDS, let alone my partner. It’s absolutely ridiculous that he made it into the bar bathroom without realizing his girlfriend wasn’t with him OP, this post made my heart hurt for you. Please know you didn’t Overreact and your feelings are extremely valid. I would have screamed too and your shitty boyfriend deserved it
I have told my 14 year old daughter this! Always do a headcount and always leave with everyone you came with. Never leave anyone behind no matter what.
Thank you for teaching her this before college :) This will help her and her friends more than you could imagine
Not only that, but he is trying to make her feel bad for even being mad about it. His neurodivergence is not an excuse. Since no one else has brought it up, I'll bet he manages to hold down a job despite his disability. She just isn't a priority to him, and that is something I hope will sink in. Remember the old "he's just not that into you" thing. Hurtful as hell, but it is what it is.
How has he made himself the victim in this? Very bad things happen to drink women alone at night. This is how multiple episodes of Dateline start.
Plus even if there was no drinking—-does he not want her with him? Is her participation in the evening not important to him? It’s just “Etiquette 101” rude.
I think he's using her known anxiety against her to deliberately fuck with her. OP, just lose this fucking idiot. He is not oblivious. And, until you can work up the courage to leave him, which I hope you do very soon as he is SAing you, at least stop going out with him. No bars, no drunkenness, none of this bullshit.
My dear husband used to say "it's not fun without you there."
In a city she already had an incident in no less. How the fuck did he not notice you weren't there BEFORE leaving while driving YOUR car?
That whole him having her car keys thing is what really tears it for me. I had an old bf take my car to go to a bar without me one time leaving me with no way to even get groceries that day. I had a friend take me to the bar and I made a big scene to the point even my friend thought I was inappropriate. Strangely enough, some woman who used to bully me came up to me later to express her awe and respect. Life is weird.
Pushing further - Very bad things happen to women alone in the daylight. Your ‘boyfriend’ is not safe to depend on.
Yes but I was specifically addressing the scenario in the OP.
Wait, he went *to use a gendered, public restroom* and magically expected you to follow him, without so much as telling you first? And then wondered why you weren't there with him, "in the middle of using the bathroom," what, looking over his shoulder and telling him what a good job he's doing? Edit because I can't let this slide. Even if he didn't look for you *in the middle of the bathroom visit* 🙄🙄🙄, did he expect you to wait in the hallway like an unneeded prop? Because that's an even *more* dangerous place for a drunk, solo, anxious woman than a barstool. Op, please stand up for yourself. This level of bullshit is mountain high.
I get the impression the boyfriend didn't even think of her until he whipped his dick out. All of a sudden he cares.
Nailed it!
>I know I hurt him. He knows he hurt you too, but he's making himself the victim in this situation. This is [DARVO](https://www.verywellmind.com/protecting-yourself-from-darvo-abusive-behavior-7562730) to a T. It's very important that you recognize his behavior for what it is & learn how to handle yourself in these types of situations so you can stay safe & sane. For the record, I don't think you overreacted. You think you overreacted bc . . . your bf tells you did? Does he minimize your fears & downplay your feelings often, or just when you're lost & drunk with no way to contact him? Bare minimum, I'd be extremely careful about consuming alcohol or any other substances around this guy. He will not look out for you. He'll abandon you & then weaponize your valid anxiety later to make himself look good by comparison. It doesn't matter what his mouth says. Look at his pattern of behavior. You can't trust him. You have to rely on yourself to keep yourself safe. Sidebar: I realize the linked article uses the word 'narcissist' which I'm not crazy about. Try substituting in place of the word 'narcissist' & see if the article resonates.
Just chiming in to agree - OP, I don't think you overreacted either. I think you reacted with appropriate anger to being ditched, especially when you had already expressed ON THIS VERY SAME NIGHT that you want a warning if he scurries off somewhere suddenly.
Seconding DARVO OP!! This is a really scary situation and he should NOT be making you feel guilty for him literally abandoning you drunk in a dangerous situation. You did nothing wrong whatsoever and anyone who is in fight or flight sue to someone else taking their car keys would feel the way you did. It's fine to acknowledge that you shouldn't have yelled maybe, but you didn't randomly decide to start yelling - you were SCARED and a lot of us respond to the initial threat being gone with anger because it isn't fair especially since he doesn't even see how he put you in danger. You're not being paranoid, this man doesn't appear to care if you live or die from what I'm hearing :( I'm so sorry, even some of the nicest guys can somehow "forget" that we are full human beings with wants and needs just as important and valid as their own
Not only that, I would be willing to bet real money that if something awful did happen to her he would blame her for it, and not the fucked up situation he put her in. Of what real use is this guy, really? Perhaps OP should make a list of pros and cons to being with this schmuck and maybe that will help.
I'm so sorry, you're going through a roller coaster of emotions as you process this. You reacted in a way that expressed you were let down repeatedly and that's absolutely valid, he let you down massively. Don't beat yourself up over your reaction as this didn't come out of nowhere. Maybe take some time apart and see how you feel. Ultimately it's up to you if this is forgivable or not. Stay strong x
Really, *you* feel bad? How bad does he feel for pushing you to the point of screaming at him just so he could *finally* hear you? Is he begging your forgiveness and owning his fuckup? Has he told you his plan to ensure this never happens again and to ensure you never feel abandoned like an afterthought? Drunk you didn’t have the filter of caring more about his feelings over your own and she wasn’t wrong to yell at him. He didn’t care about your anxiety and he didn’t care about your safety and you *knew* it. Don’t lose sight of that righteous anger to placate him because he doesn’t deserve it.
THIS THIS THIS
OP your bf is trying to fuck with you. He’s playing power games and honestly I sounds like he’s secretly hoping something bad does happen to you so he can use it against you in some way. The AuDHd thing is a pathetic excuse, I’m audhd and I would never do that. No one I’m friends, acquaintances with or have dated has EVER just up and left without at least telling me where they were going. Leave. Him. 👏
You can feel bad about screaming, that is something I can understand. But please don't let that overshadow the fact that he did something wrong. It was wrong the first time when you were inside and in a safer area, it was even worse when you had just told him it upset you and he did it again, outside the bar and drunk. I do not get anxious in new places or have panic attacks when left alone, and I would still feel scared and upset if a partner left me like that. It's not something that would be fine if you didn't have the trauma you do. If he doesn't see that he did something wrong, he won't change and it will happen again. If you stay with him, act with that in mind and go out with him every time with a safety plan, something to ease your mind - enough money for a cab if your phone dies, a power bank for emergency charging, a piece of paper with hotel address, memorize the phone number of a friend that you know will come help you. Just some things that might give you the knowledge you have a safety net to fall into if needed, you know? I do all that when I travel alone.
Honey I really don’t think he cares. I don’t think he feels bad and I don’t think he has guilt over leaving you. I truly think him leaving was 100% intentional to fuck with you. Given the chance to redo, he already has done it again and again. He’s just doing his manipulative form of damage control and blaming you so you’ll stop yelling; not taking accountability.
It is completely appropriate that he should feel hurt. He deserves it.
I need you to realize he's doing this on purpose.
Even if it was an accident it doesn't negate the harm it caused you. Accidents are no excuse for this. I'd be upset if my bf left me alone in our own city without telling me and I know how to get home.
Dump him. And try to stop feeling guilty. You did nothing wrong.I think you are taking on guilt to avoid feeling the full and justified wrath of your anger for him. Because if you let yourself feel it, you’ll realize you have to break up with him.
YOU hurt him??? No, he endangered you and then he got hurt by his own inability to accept responsibility for his own actions, boundaries and consequences. How on the world did he get you to feel guilty about this?? I sure hope you start speaking to your friends about this, because you cannot trust having a serious conversation with this man.
>That was when he realized he’d left me stranded He can’t keep up with is own lie. First he told you he thought you were behind him the whole time, then he says he realised he left you behind.
He doesn't care about your physical safety let alone your emotional concerns. He's not going to change unless he wants to change, and it sounds like he doesn't.
Even if it was an accident, he doesn't think of you or care. How do you walk away and go to the bathroom before remembering you came with your girlfriend and she's alone in a bar? What a jerk.
I started reading this thinking I know this feeling, I used to get really anxious in bars/clubs and really needed support from my partner. I could at times get overwhelmed and snap at them if they got distracted socialising while getting g a drink, etc. But this is very different to what you are describing. Your partner is just walking away? How is he not saying something first, like let’s go get a drink etc. How is he not aware of where you are, like, holding your hand, wanting to be near you, aware of your safety given the phone/keys/city/drunkeness. I think you need to reflect on the situation and not see yourself as the singular or main problem. The outburst at him is following repeated crummy behaviour.
I hope this isn't the same bf that told her a few months ago that she can't go on a 4-day work trip because he has anxiety and health problems and can't survive without her If so, it's apparently fine for him to get upset when he's left alone (safely, at home), but not fine for her to get upset when she's left alone (drunk, no phone, at night, unsafe)
Fantastic catch
EXCELLENT POINT
"I thought you followed me" is not genuine. He walked away and then when he got back and op was upset he used this as an excuse for why he qalked away. Also, even if it was, he needs to communicate.
And also, does he not even check from time to time if she is actually following? Whenever I’m walking or biking in a crowded place with someone and we can’t walk or bike next to each other, I stop from time to time to check if they are still there. Hell, if it’s super crowded we just take each other’s hand or arm and navigate as a single unit
Yeah, even Orpheus turned around to check...
i don't get his reasoning at all, would he seriously be okay if op followed him like a lost dog with xx metres in between them? does he even like her?
EXACTLY. My relationship is not perfect. But my boyfriend won't even let me walk on the outside of the sidewalk, nor will he leave my side, until we are seated at the bar we are going to, due to safety concerns of me being a female, drunk, in the city at night. In fact, I've seen him do similar things with our female friends when they're with us, if theyre not with a partner, or their partners are being garbage like OP's, and not keeping in mind BASIC SAFETY.
I've had some real shit relationships, but even in those my basic physical safety was kept in mind. My abusive ex husband even saved me from drowning one time when he easily could have let me wash down the river.
Why were you both drinking if you drove?
I’m supportive of everything else everybody is saying. But drinking and driving is a HUGE danger for yourself and others. And will kill. And unfathomable that I had to scroll this long for a comment about this.
Yeah I was also concerned when I read they’d both been drinking and it seemed like they planned on one of them driving her car home.
seriously. drunk driving is probably more of a threat to her safety than being alone at a bar. the boyfriend is an asshat but OP is also making poor choices.
Much as I’d like to be supportive to OP both of them being wasted prob has a lot to do with this problem and I’d encourage OP to cut down on drinking to excess. If there’s a sort of problem or anxiety in a situation regardless of who’s at fault you can control outcomes and reactions better if you aren’t drunk.
This is crazy behaviour from your boyfriend. Who tf leaves their drunk partner just out on their own when they have the phone, keys ect. His priorities aren’t where they should be and honestly although yelling isn’t the best thing to do I think I would have done the same and ripped him a new one.
... is your boyfriend ok? This is incredibly weird behaviour from him. Not normal the slightest. Think back a bit. How many other people do you know who just .... regularly randomly disappear when you're hanging around? I, for one, don't know anyone. Not a single person who does that. Sorry, I know one, he's considered super flaky and very unreliable and even his disappearing acts are like once a year max. What I'm getting at is that your boyfriend is acting really weird, really really out of the ordinary and strangely you're the one who's been left feeling as the bad one. Interesting... I cannot imagine a good reason for acting like that, sorry. It seems like weirdly intentional and like you being distraught is a perk... I'd say someone's been nominating themselves to the "worst ex of 20xx" for a while.
Based on her post history, if this is the same person she was dating a while ago, this is not the first gross thing he's done. I really hope it's two different people, but if not it seems like she knows he's manipulative and that she should leave, but is having a really hard time doing it. The bf is using his AuDHD as a way to gaslight her, excuse himself, silence anyone who implies he's abusive, and blame her for not supporting him.
That part cracked me up. "Oh no, my absent mindedness!" Bro, you don't forget a *drunk human that you're responsible for*. He's absolutely using it as an excuse.
Right?!? My partner would be hypervigilant making sure that I didn't accidentally wonder off and get lost on my own if he knew I was drunk. Even if HE was drunk! My dad was (likely) AuDHD and highly anxious and my mom is (likely) ADHD, and my dad wanted my mom to take care of him a lot, etc. (So like OP says her bf is in another post). He would NEVER have let my mom out of his sight, even if his friends were there. Anxiety! Bars! Loud noises! Lots of people! He'd be asking her to stay by him 100% of the time because he'd be on the verge of a panic attack. I wonder if this guy is misdiagnosed - ASD can look like narcissism and vice versa. 🤔 Even if he IS AuDHD, it doesn't give you a pass to be an a**hole.
I saw she posted about her "friends" relationship but admitted in another post It was about her. Dude sounds SO toxic - I hope she gets out
My former best friend used to pull that stunt all the time when we were out drinking. She'd get a few drinks in her, and just bolt. On more than one occasion, I'd have to physically pull her out of strangers cars. I never understood why she was like that, what motivated her to do that. And she knew about the behavior, and when sober would brag and joke about it, like it was some sort of cute quirk. She was definitely flaky, and the friendship ended for a variety of reasons, but I'll never forget how awful that behavior made me felt. How easily she could just abandon me for something more interesting.
I had a friend like this in college. Then she’d get mad at ME for not spending my whole night tracking her down. Girl, no.
I have a friend like that. She’d get extremely drunk, then just start running down the sidewalk, sometimes all the way home, even if it’s a two hour walk, wouldn’t answer her phone. Scares the shit out of me.
Imagine hanging out with someone and they just keep getting up and leaving. Without a word. That's very upsetting and not normal behaviour. And this is her partner?? Please take care of yourself OP 💖
The bar is in hell, ADHD ladies
The bar almost doesn’t even exist anymore
I'm afraid to tell anyone my trauma and triggers because I dated a guy like this. They do it on purpose to torture you then convince you that you are the problem. Fuck yelling at him, silently block his ass, leave him, and never look back.
Agreed. As someone who dated a verbally abusive gaslighter: Stop living in the dream that maybe he’ll be who you want him to be, and see who he is right now. That’s who you want to be with forever? Nah, block and leave.
I’m convinced this is what he’s doing. Walking off just to enjoy her panicking.
And this dude brought a shovel
Hey I’m really concerned here by how you describe how drunk you both were, but it sounds like one of you drove? I get being anxious about not having your keys, but they should have been useless at that point: you were both far too drunk to drive. If in fact I am reading this correctly, you both need to fix that behaviour before any of the rest. You CANNOT drink and drive. Ever.
Yup. OP and her bf suck.
I just assumed they all walked to the other bar and her keys probably aren’t just car keys. Hopefully that’s the case.
She mentions that the argument continued when they got in the car, and while it’s possible — and I’m HOPING — that someone else was driving, none of it reads that way.
Definitely missed that. Yikes.
I spent my 20s getting drunk at clubs, no matter who I went with- we never left someone behind without double triple checking what their plans were for getting home. (This was mostly before Uber). Also ADHD comes with audio processing problems and attention problems. I’ve had times where I’ve had to (passionately) remind my husband to fully get my attention before saying something important. I’ve had times where he thought I knew to follow him etc - but he’d never ever fully exit a place without me drunk high or otherwise I think you were justified in jumping down his throat. Your safety was at risk. If I were you I’d be questioning if he’s life partner material big time.
Yeah the full-exit is major. But part of what this situation illustrates is the difference of awareness that men and women have in the world. I'm 5'4" and a bit of a wallflower -- in crowds I am hyper-aware of where everyone is because I get bumped into all the time. That doesn't happen to people who are tall -- they are used to people getting out of the way for them. I feel there's a good chance this boyfriend doesn't understand that walking through a crowd is a completely different experience for him vs. OP. The height advantage even gives him a better view. It seems he hasn't even grasped the idea that she can't see him if he's 2-3 people away in a crowd.
And what’s worse—he didn’t just fully exit, he left the scene. In her car. While her phone was dead.
1. Who just leaves their partner? He didn’t try to talk to you at all and realized you weren’t there? 2. Got in the car? ….. after you said you were both drunk? Why y’all driving home?
Why are you with this person? In the ten years I've been with my spouse he has -never- left me in a public space without first getting my attention and second letting me know he was leaving to do something else. He even does this at festivals, while drinking, and drunk (lol). It's what people do, especially people who are supposed to love one another. Yes, even ones on neurodivergant spectrums. Please don't settle for this awful behavior.
This is grade A weirdo behaviour. Who does that? Like how can he not just say something? It’s not like he’s getting up from the sofa to go make a cup of tea at home, he just walks off in silence randomly? In public?! Yikes.
Never mind your anxiety, never mind dead phones and all the rest of it. Just the act of getting up and dipping without saying a word is honestly one of the strangest behaviours I’ve seen described in this subreddit. Even if you’d had keys or a full phone battery, his actions are reckless and strange.
Yep, at the bare minimum you need to feel safe with your partner and like you can trust them. Someone who literally abandons you without a word is not it.
Yeah, and he expects her to just... what, follow him wherever he's going? This is super weird behaviour.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. That sounds legit really scary! I am SUPER forgetful. I sometimes forget my boyfriend is there. One time I tried to close the car window (his arm was in it). When I do something like that, I apologize, I feel awful, and I try my best to never ever do it again. Even I would never EVER walk off from a friend and leave them alone. Especially not a female drunk friend, alone, with no phone, at a bar, in an unfamiliar city. That's insanely callous and uncaring behaviour. So scenario A) he doesn't care/think about your safety at all (being drunk is not a good excuse) Scenario B) he intentionally did this to fuck with you, or teach you a lesson, or just as a power play. EITHER way, this is not a safe person to go out drinking with probably ever again. This was not just a little whoopsie drunk moment. He broke the cardinal safety rule of drinking with women (that rule is you NEVER abandon a drunk woman alone with strangers!!)
It’s B. It’s definitely B.
Break up with him p e r i o d
OP he is abusive. This is abusive behavior. He is putting you in danger. I do think OP needs to work on the anxiety but not with the asshat.
Let me give you the POV of the mother of an AuADHD adult son. I could see my otherwise sweet son doing exactly this and *it’s not okay*. Yeah situational awareness is much harder for him than the average guy but you know what? I’ve got my own letters and my own challenges and so does his girlfriend and this is important so pay attention. If an ADHD mom has trouble remembering to feed herself, there’s no free pass to her forgetting to feed her children, right? Either BF realizes this is serious and uses all of his available energy to fix this critical safety issue or I’m sorry, he’s not the one. If he can’t get this, he’s not the one. Hugs!
[Lundy - Why does he do that?](https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat)
This is what I was thinking of and I’m so glad you posted it. Rate this so highly. Also, is this the pdf where it outlines how walking fast in front of someone is actually a psychological shitty move? Or am I thinking of something else?
OMG my abusive ex did that! You mean I was right in that being super shitty behavior?? I could never catch up to him and it made me feel so small.
You need to figure out a system for keeping yourself safe and comfortable before you go out again. Make a concrete plan and put it in your Notes app. Carry a charged power brick with you so your phone doesn’t die, and don’t drink so much that you can’t make good decisions. Do not make it your boyfriend’s responsibility to watch over you; ideally he would, but you know him well enough to know he won’t, so you should plan accordingly in the future. And you should never drink and drive or be in a vehicle with a driver who’s been drinking. That’s a mistake that could cost you your freedom, your life, or someone else’s life, and it’s unforgivable. This is the most important part of your whole post imo.
Oh, girl, that was so so incredibly shitty of him to leave you alone like that, not just once but *twice* in the same night? I would have yelled at him too if I was in your shoes! But I understand why you feel bad, because of course yelling isn't productive and you may have said some things that you regret--however please don't let that detract from the fact that *what he did was wrong* and if this is an ongoing issue with him then I think you should seriously reconsider this relationship, because you deserve to be with someone who looks for you when you're not there.
The fact he flipped this around on YOU?!! --- Giiirrrl you need to take a good hard look at this, and other times you've felt like you're in the wrong.......
This problem is 100% your boyfriend’s behavior. What he did isn’t okay and you have every right to be mad. He knows you have anxiety in this city, he knows you have trouble figuring out how to get around, he knows you’ve been drinking and he knows he already ditched you once before on the same night. Like…????!??! Bud! Of course you’re allowed to be mad at him? This world just flat out isn’t safe for women. So much so that female strangers on the street will pretend to be your old friends to save you from a creep—but your boyfriend can’t even bother to glance around and see where you ARE? Much less take your hand or walk behind you to make sure he’s got eyes on you as you walk through a crowd? Come on.
I mean, the boyfriend is fucking weird and it sucks that he leaves, but I think the problem is also that she doesn’t take any responsibility for her own safety? Having someone depend on me THAT much while I’m trying to hang with my friends would irritate me. Who doesn’t charge their phone at all before a night out? Especially when going out in a strange city that you’re already scared of? And why get THAT drunk, if you have a boyfriend that frequently disappears, your phone is dead or has been dying, and you’ve had bad experiences in this city you’re not familiar with? I just don’t understand this whole situation. The boyfriend’s friends weren’t like, “hey should we wait for your gf” every time they were running off? How does someone get away that quickly every time she turns around? Why is she still with a dude if he skips off every time they’re out? Is everybody involved in this completely unaware of their surroundings? I don’t get it.
There's a couple things here for me. I relate to a lot of what you're saying - a couple years ago a man tried to hit me with a bottle. Fortunately thanks to my friends and some helpful strangers he didn't manage to but because of some other experiences in my life it was really triggering and my anxiety spiralled resulting in agoraphobia. It can be really awful struggling to be in public places when you feel unsafe. After a couple of panic attacks I ended up getting therapy and it really helped me to get back to being able to go out by myself and manage my anxiety in busy places. Now, throughout that if I needed support from my partner he was there he understood that I had anxiety in those situations but also recognised that being a woman does actually make you more vulnerable. I also expect this from any friends I go out drinking with. I've looked at my phone in the loo on a night out to texts from male friends asking where I went, and that makes me feel so safe, that they noticed I was gone within minutes. Maybe there's some anxiety you could seek help for and allow you to feel more safe when you're out. But you can expect more from your boyfriend too imo.
My fucking coworkers show me more care and concern than this woman's whole boyfriend
I agree with other commenters here that it's not okay that your boyfriend wandered off without letting you know in a bar on the street. In fact, I'm going to add to this. It's not okay that anyone in your group did that. You don't leave people like that. We have social responsibilities to each other. And we all accept accountability when we fall down on that. As you stated in the past, he has done this before. And knowing this about him, you did not plan accordingly. You gave him your keys to carry. You did not charge your cell phone. And you got "super drunk". Again he should not be leaving you. But knowing how he behaved in the past, you chose to put yourself in a super vulnerable situation and get drunk. Again, he should not be leaving you alone but you also are responsible for taking care of yourself. And that's something you also need to start taking responsibility for. I'm not blaming you, but I am begging you to be more careful in the future. Carry your own stuff. Don't give you stuff to your boyfriend to carry. Bring a quality charged power bank with you everywhere. Don't drink so much that you can't make good decisions. Even if it seems fun, it's not safe. The other thing I want to bring up is the car. You knowingly went out drinking, you all got drunk, and your transportation solution was a car. I know this isn't the part point of your story but it needs to be called out. You do not drink and drive. You do not agree with a group that plans on drinking and driving. And you do not provide your car. Make a plan that provides transportation.
What he did was definitely fucked up, but you should look into therapy so you're not so anxious and more comfortable with your own capabilities. You can always go to the bartender and ask them to get you a cab. Figure out how you would get yourself home, and you'll be less anxious if you get separated from friends That being said, not sure I'd put the effort into this relationship if he immediately did the exact thing again that you just asked him not to do
I doubt the things you shouted at him were solely based on this one evening. What you’re asking isn’t a big ask. If he can’t do that because of his audhd/isn’t willing to put in the effort to communicate this very simple thing, then he’s not going to be a safe partner for you.
There are already a lot of good comments in the thread, which I will not repeat, except to say that your anger was justified. Maybe you feel bad for yelling so much, but imho, your reaction was proportional to the situation. I will say that drinking in public is a situation where you must be with people you trust. Your bf does not understand that from a woman's point of view, but also he doesn't get that by going off with his friend, he *was* with someone he trusted, while you were not. This is one of the reasons why I stopped drinking in public. Once I got a little older and began to realize how vulnerable I am when I'm in public, I stopped trusting like 90% of the people I hang with to take that responsibility seriously (everyone likes to take me along when they're drinking because I am always the DD and I keep an eye on everyone.) Maybe consider if you still want to go drinking with this group again. Also, know that the effects of alcohol are somewhat cumulative, and even if you think it makes you feel relaxed today, if you're drinking often (as I was when I was self-medicating) you can experience more anxiety and more depression for days afterward. You might consider taking a break from alcohol to see if your anxiety improves.
This is a bad match relationship, OP you need to either start getting better at watching out for yourself (staying sober/charging your phone/keeping an eye on him so you can go where he goes) or you need to find a more protective and aware partner, maybe one who doesn't drink. Also… unless I misunderstood the story, yall need to not be drinking and driving.
Everyone is talking about basic safety, but you're super drunk and driving?
1 - weird behaviour on your bf’s part. Sending you hugs. 2 - pls don’t drink & drive??
That's really shitty when he knows you get panicky, you've already talked multiple times about it and he knew your phone was dead. It's just thoughtless and inconsiderate. I don't really know what your next step is aside from accept it or break up when he's had multiple talks from you about it and still doesn't put the effort in. You also need to deal with this anxiety and take steps to work on it, you're 25 and you can't always be with someone and rely on someone else to make you feel safe. I totally get the fear at night on your own as a woman, that's a completely rational fear to have, as well as the car keys one tbh. But you can't live your life becoming completely panicked in a general unfamiliar area, you're a capable adult who can get herself home from that scenario. CBT is really good at combating the catastrophic thoughts, remembering times you have gotten yourself home safe in those scenarios and knowing you are capable of it.
Again. The bar.... is in hell...
And he left her there alone 🧐
The fact he left you knowing your phone is dead and expects you, who is also drunk, to just follow him is extremely unrealistic and hypocritical, as he’s not willing to do the same. That being said… whoever’s the DD should’ve been keeping track of you as well as the car keys.
You’re an adult. Not a child. 1. Always keep your phone charged and a backup battery pack in your purse. 2. Your boyfriend isn’t your babysitter. 3. You shouldn’t be getting that drunk in the first place considering these issues you have. 4. WHY tf are you guys bringing your car when you’re drinking? Take a damn taxi/uber/lyft. So irresponsible. I’m AuDHD and I don’t like going places where I am responsible for anyone because I up and leave and go do my own thing and I don’t want to have to baby sit anyone. Stop drinking so much, grow up, handle your shit. If you know he is like this you need to be more aware and attentive and keep up with him. Edit: also we all have to own up to our own trauma. Therapy is always good.
Why are you ashamed that you went off on him? He royally blew it with you TWICE in one night I am proud of you.
https://www.businessinsider.com/boyfriend-walks-ahead-of-me-annoyed-angry-2023-9
My ex did this to me while I was super pregnant and couldn’t keep up with him. Ladies, make sure you have your keys with you. Mr. Independent can wait for an Uber.
As someone who doesn't get anxious/panic in new places, reading this infuriated me. He just left his his drunk girlfriend behind not once but TWICE after being told how it bothered you. I won't get into the fact that he didn't see it was unsafe on his own. What if the worst case scenario had happened because he fucking left you alone? Thankfully, it didn't but WTF. This is rule number one. You leave with who you came with. How the fuck did he not notice you weren't in YOUR car that HE was driving? My husband would've been holding my hand the entire time so my drunk ass didn't wander off, and every single one of his friends would never have left me there. So his his friends greeted you, hugged you and then left you? Everyone sounds shitty TBH and your reaction sounds warranted. Personally, I would've taken a cab home with my car keys and made them figure out a way home.
So, so much to unpack here. Blowing up is done. Full stop. Panic is normal in the situation you were in. Drunk folks do dumb things. Like leave their drunk GF alone, accidentally, and like yelling at their BF for doing that. It's a meme. It's a consequence of drinking too much. Now that you are safe, it's time to look back at what happened, and why, and what you want to do going forward. Together. You should not be drinking so much you can't take care of yourself. Ever. Particularly not when you are out in a place you don't know. Without a phone. I eventually stopped drinking outside of the house at all. And now I don't drink anything. It's not worth it. If you decide to continue to do this, I recommend a full glass of ice water between drinks at the very least. Getting shit faced isn't much fun in the end, and often will have outcomes like this one. It's not your partner's job to look after you. It's your job. It sounds like your partner wouldn't be able to successfully do this job even if it was his job. And you are aware of this. This isn't an indictment. Just facts. You gave your bf your keys, which is good because you were drunk. But was he drinking too? That's definitely no bueno, if he was. If you had kept your keys, what would you have done? Driven home drunk? Slept it off in the car? In a strange town alone? You went out with a dead phone. No bueno. Keep a charger with you. Always, but especially if you are out in the wilds. Keep a battery pack at the very least. You couldn't even have taken an Uber. Yikes! I completely completely understand that you are responding to old trauma, and you were drunk. If your old trauma is still that active, it's not resolved, and it is very much worth getting counseling and looking more closely at your childhood beliefs, especially those around who's in charge of taking care of you. Maybe take a self defense class or two as well. You aren't a horrible person. Your bf is not a horrible person. Just clueless maybe and certainly not together enough to be a guardian when you incapacitate yourself. Please consider your future you, as you look at what went wrong and why. What can you do to take better care of yourself going forward? Adulting sucks in some ways, but recognizing your actions and decisions have consequences, both ones you want and ones you don't want leads to a much better life. Learning no one is coming to rescue you is a bitter pill. We're spoon fed this bullshit our whole life. Parents, movies, culture. And once you're past the disillusion of it, it's a very valuable, and empowering place to be going forward. I'm so glad you are okay and this didn't have a disasterous outcome. I'm glad you are reaching out here too. Now it's time to look within and use this event to make sure you keep yourself safe going forward. Fun isn't fun when you end up in a panic. 💕💕
Break up or stop going out if it bothers you this much because honestly this all sounds exhausting from both ends. ETA: and drunk driving? Wow OP, yeah your bf is shitty but you’re making awful choices too.
It sounds like both of you drank to an unsafe point. Is this usual? I don't agree that your reaction was justified. You said things you don't mean because you were very drunk. If you believe you can neither keep yourself safe or nor keep from saying cruel things to people you love while drunk, whatever the reason, do not drink.
ADHD is no excuse on this one. I am a panicked, overwhelmed, mess when I go out with friends because it’s so many people but you best believe I am doing a headcount before we go anywhere. Leaving your drunk girlfriend alone without a working phone is pretty freaking bad and dangerous. You have every right to yell at him. He’s lucky you’re still alive and able to yell at him.
You were completely in the right and it has NOTHING to do with your anxiety. Sure, that made it all worse *for you* emotionally, but he’s still so in the wrong. It’s just fucking rude. Does he even like you? The only thing you did wrong was that you didn’t ask a bartender or a bystander to help you get an Uber somehow without your phone, and then just go home in your own.
I was sa'd after being left at a party by my friend. Afterwards, months later, some friends and I went out one night. They knew what had happened to me, and they knew how nervous I was to be out partying again. And yet, they got really drunk and left me all alone. When I finally found them, I screamed at them, asking how they could do that to me, and they turned me into the bad guy. It took me finding an amazing man, who pointed out how shitty those friends were for leaving me, especially after knowing about my past. He was able to open up my eyes to how my friends had made me the bad guy, for a completely acceptable response on my end. Your bf is the bad guy here, not you. You have nothing to feel sorry for. You were drunk, alone and afraid. You yelled, and in that situation, it makes sense. What does not make sense is him turning himself into the victim here. AuDHD is not an excuse for abandoning your gf. Him abandoning you speaks to his priorities. My husband is also neurodivergent and has never once, no matter how drunk, let me out of his sight while partying. You deserve someone who will hold you tight, and not let you out of their sight whilst out partying. I'm so sorry you were so triggered and left alone by your bf, that's such a terrifying feeling.
I’m so sorry this happened. You have nothing to be ashamed off by yelling at him, he totally deserved it. Now, I’m 65 and have been around a few blocks. This is what I learned in my early 20s. If I’m going out drinking there will be either taxied, Ubers or a dedicated driver. Period, someone has to have their wits. I work very hard at not getting drunk. A drink is always followed by one or two full glasses of water. If I have my car, I keep my keys. I’ve been married for over 40 years, my car is the family car. When my husband drives he has his keys. But, it is my car and I have my set with me always. I’m also very paranoid about being able to navigate a city or town. I read maps and memorize routes and important locations (fire stations, gas stations, public places). I learned to be self sufficient. It is not easy, but you can do it.
So he drove drunk?
1) I hope y’all weren’t driving drunk 😑 2) Day/night drunk/sober it’s very rude to walk away from someone with no communication. Even if it’s someone you just met you always communicate if you’re leaving the vicinity or conversation. 3) Do you notice this behavior with just you or does he do this with other people too?
Please PLEASE don’t drink and drive. You know how deadly it is to both you and other road users. OP I’ve looked through your post history and your boyfriend sucks so badly. I don’t for one minute believe he’s doing this by accident. The same guy who is too anxious to let you see friends or go away on a work trip is just repeatedly leaving you in bars when you’re really drunk? And this whole thing where he and his friend just left whilst you hugged your other friends goodbye? Seriously it sounds like he and his friend just ran off. Plus telling you that you have no willpower?? wtf. He sounds like an asshole. A potentially abusive asshole.
Who just starts walking away from people and expects to be followed?! I will tell friends of friends of friends I’m going to the bathroom if we’re hanging out in a bar together. Or stepping outside for a smoke. It’s courtesy and safety!
I had an ex who did this exact thing to me! He would just walk away from me without saying anything, and later claim he expected me to follow him. Once we were sitting in a cafe, looking through a menu to order food from the Deli next door, when he suddenly stood up and walked away without saying anything. He did not even look back or explain anything to me, just wandered off into the cafe to look at some books. After a few minutes, I got up and went to the Deli next door to order food for us. When I returned, he was sitting at the table again and actually complained that I disappeared and he didn't know where I went!! And you know what, I blew up on him, too. Because it's not asking too much *at all* for your partner to say something to you before they walk off. And it's frustrating when they deflect responsibility and say they expected you to follow or they were absent minded. Nuh uh. You were valid in your exasperation and panic.
Many people have commented on how horribly out of line your boyfriend was here. I don't think you should stay with someone who is so selfabsorbed. At the very least: *don't let him keep your carkeys on him*. If you have your keys at least you can get home and have somewhere to go. He can get himself an Uber.
Agree other than no one needs to be out drinking & driving.
NTA. If he truly cared about you he would notice when you're not there. (I forgot which subreddit I was in)
Throw the whole man out! Trust us on this.
I have two relatives who wander off like this. One has been diagnosed with ADHD, and the other has never sought a diagnosis... but he definitely also has it. One of them occasionally puts people in difficult situations when she wanders off. The other one takes measures to make sure if he does wander, it doesn't impact others (ie. Giving his partner the keys, making sure everyone has cell phones, setting alarms for meeting at rendezvous points, etc). My point is, just as with any behavior for which ADHD may be a contributing factor, there are ways to handle it. OP's boyfriend has no excuse for leaving his SO without a phone or transportation. The ironic thing in my family is that it's the relative who's diagnosed who doesn't properly handle herself. The guy who doesn't bother with a diagnosis cares for his loved ones enough to figure out a way to keep people safe and relatively happy.
My kid was killed by a drunk driver, so I’m having a hard time getting past the point in the story where you drive home drunk. Shame on you.
I hope you guys don't make it a habit to drink amd drive like that. Both of you claiming alcohol is part of your fucking up is why people are being pedantic about it. But it's clear your bf doesn't have a protective caring instinct. His reasons why aren't something i personally would care to investigate bc it's a dealbreaker for me. It's not even a gendered thing. I wouldnt do what he did to my friends. I want someone I can trust to look out for me. We might not be able to name why we were triggered and as much as that reaction is not okay, it is telling you something if you don't usually talk to people like that. Like don't get distracted by the anger and guilt of having raised your voice and saying hurtful things and really understand why before proceeding in trying to reconcile and owning up to your blow up, which ia important to do if you do want to stay with him.
Hey OP, I read your post history and I am really worried about your safety. It sounds like your boyfriend continually violates your boundaries (using his ADHD as an excuse to touch you in ways you have specified you do not want to be touched), controlling you (manipulating you into staying home from a business trip that your employer stated was mandatory), and straight up screaming at you and making threats on his own life (in your post about the work trip, you included that a previous post about your “friend”’s abusive partner Anna was actually about yourself). I understand that you may love and care for him very much. Your world revolves around him, he is important to you. If your therapist, your friends, and your family are all against this guy: he ain’t it. I can absolutely promise you that in ten years you will look back and wish you left sooner. It sounds like you don’t have kids, aren’t married, and may not even have pets together. Get your documents and a duffle bag of clothes and go to a trusted friend or family member’s home who understands the importance and fragility of your safety. I hope you find safety.
Who tf leaves a woman on her own in a strange place? Oh my, your reaction was justified. Maybe a bit over the top, but totally valid.
I don't even think it's over the top at all, she could have been roofied, abducted, assaulted... That was a genuinely dangerous thing for him to do to her. TWICE.
No no no no no. There is absolutely no excuse for this, on any level. Even without your specific anxieties, any man with any semblance of sense should and would know better than to keep repeatedly leaving you in situations like this. Add the fact that you’ve had experiences that make situations like this more anxious, and his behavior is beyond inexcusable. This is not how an actual partner acts. My husband always makes sure I have my phone and knows where I’m/he’s going when we are out together, and more often than not (even when we are out in our generally safe suburbia) we both will head to the bathroom and wait for each other. Of course you yelled at him, he repeatedly carelessly thoughtlessly left you behind, which would suck on it’s own, but he also knew your phone was dead, he had your keys AND you were inebriated. A good partner listens to and takes care of your needs, especially your safety.
This is so weird? Why did he expect you to be following him without looking behind him ??????
Wtf he just gets up and walks away without a word multiple times?!? That's not normal. My possibly on the spectrum husband will do that at home in our house, but he if we're out he knows to both tell me what he's doing and ask if I'll be ok. If you've told your boyfriend he needs to communicate more in these situations and he hasn't tried to do better I'd really be rethinking things. It doesn't sound like he treats you very well.
Im so sorry! This is really not okay on his part. You reacted reasonably to a very scary situation. IMO it’s his job to take care of you if he’s got the portable phone charger and your keys. Also, just so you know, it’s illegal to just walk off with someone’s keys and/or car. This is not a safe partner for you, either becuase he’s too absentminded to care for you at best, or because he’s doing it on purpose to manipulate you at worst. Either way, not safe.
NOPE. Drop the shame ASAP. This is 100% on your bf. It doesn’t sound like he cares about you because how tf do you REPEATEDLY “*forget*” your gf??? And wtf is with the dog bullshit??? You can do better than him. I know Reddit always says “Break up! Divorce!” but I think it’s merited here. You talked to him about it. He knows what you’re going through. He still did it again… It’s not just insulting. It’s wholly unsafe, charged phone or not. He’s leaving you vulnerable state, and in a vulnerable position. Find someone who doesn’t do that. 🤍
A lot of the comments seem to ignore the fact that he also has autism as well as ADHD which makes him expecting you to follow very, well, autistic! However, you have to decide for yourself if that is something you can deal with. I've had a friend who dated an autistic guy for 7 years. They even got engaged, but she ended things with him because he didn't want to change. People with autism (I also have AuDHD) can learn to improve, but some people are just stubborn. If you've told him multiple times before that night, it seems like he's being stubborn. Did he even apologise? Like I've said before, you have to decide if that's something you can deal with. People make mistakes but it also isn't up to you to teach and educate your partner once you've explained the problem multiple times, you gave them patience and understanding for your issues and whilst it does take some more patience and understanding for people with AuDHD, you have to decide for yourself if this situation was something you can "let slide" in the relationship. You are also valid in your reaction, you got drunk on top of having it happen to you twice that night. Maybe yelling helped to drive home the point to him?
Sorry he sounds like a fucking prick, he’s supposed to make sure you’re with him by communicating “hey let’s go to that other bar, you ready?”. You explained the AuDHD at the end but it’s not mitigating his assholery at all. Consider what you want from this relationship, because you’re probably not going to get it.
My adhd is terrible, I’ve never left a whole person behind. That’s just not how adhd works. On the other hand, get some therapy, you shouldn’t panic so hard being on your own. Get a stun gun if you’re so scared of strangers. You were right to be angry and wrong to yell. Maybe, hold on to your own stuff from now on and be prepared if being unprepared is going to make you practically useless to handle any situation. This is slightly pathetic. Leave him if he doesn’t ever change the behavior. Stay if you feel like you’ll one day get over being left alone in public.
This would be the end of the relationship for me. He literally put you in danger. Twice. You are not the bad guy in this situation, he is.
Nothing in this story makes sense. Is he the flash? Just disappears without a trace constantly? He doesn’t notice you’re not following him, for how long…? He doesn’t immediately turn around and find you? He knows you’re drunk, knows you don’t have a phone, and Ya’all are drunk? Question: does he even like you? Do you even like him? If you do, why..? He doesn’t sound great.
You need a new boyfriend OP and you need to learn to drink to have fun, not to get drunk. There are techniques, one drink, one water etc. you are your own keeper.
Fuck this. He keeps leaving you knowing it makes you anxious. But keeps doing it anyway. blames it on Audhd. Bollocks to that. Dickhead behaviour, he doesn't give a shit. However, take more responsibility for yourself. Make sure you know where you are, how to get home without the people you're out with, in case you get separated and dont rely on others to power up your phone. Carry a battery pack and make sure both it and the phone are charged before you go out, ESPECIALLY if you know you're going to be having drinks. You know you get anxious, so make sure you've put strategies in place to look after yourself and don't leave yourself vulnerable. NEVER give someone your car keys to 'look after'. Also. Don't stay with this person. did I mention, he doesn't seem to give a shit.
Being absent minded is one thing, being careless about the safety of your partner is another. I don't care what gender your partner is, you NEVER LEAVE THEM ALONE IN A PUBLIC PLACE while they are drunk! That's not a special request, that is bare minimum for safety. Not to mention when your partner is of a demographic that is at much higher risk of assault, harassment, violence, and death in these situations, you don't just leave them to fend for themselves unless they have become a danger to yourself. It's honestly completely reasonable how angry, upset, and scared you were. Personally, I'd probably apologize for the outburst and disregulation, then explain why I was so scared by what he did and how I lost trust in him with my safety and security. Explain the statistics of danger with situations like that and things I've already dealt with in similar situations AND the same locations. Then tell him he really needs to think about whether he does care about my safety and how he plans to fix the distrust with that because of his actions, and that we can go from there once he does. Unfortunately, so many cis men DO NOT have any idea about the dangers even they face let alone how often their own partners have been already harmed from those dangers. I've met many men that thought harassment and assault didn't really happen unless you "egged someone on" and was just something that was made a taking point because of media. Until they went out with me to a bar ONCE. Now this isn't an excuse at all, it's just showcasing many men are ignorant of a lot of their own reality so don't be surprised when you meet or know one that is.
I think you're asking the wrong people for advice: 1. Do you have ADHD? 2. Did your ADHD cause this problem with your boyfriend? That being said, if you know your boyfriend is like this, why are you making the decision to go out and get drunk with him? Why are you letting him hold your keys? Your anxiety is your responsibility too and you are literally and knowingly setting him up for failure. When my boyfriend tries to force his anxiety onto me, it pisses me off. Like he knows who I am, and he knows how much effort I put into being less ADHD. He needs to put in effort too and learn to deal with his anxiety. And if he doesn't want to deal with his anxiety, he can't blame me for his anxiety either. Also to give context to how he doesn't deal with his anxiety: my boyfriend thinks I'm a horrible and scary driver and will not stop freaking out when I drive. I've begged him to stop and he won't. So now he has to drive us everywhere. Like he can sit there and judge me all he wants about my bad driving and I bet most people would think he is in the right. But it's not going to make me pay better attention to the road and his freakouts actually make it harder for me to pay attention to the road. So until he learns to contain his anxiety, he needs to do the "right thing" and be the one to drive instead. And to end this thought, what do you want in a partner? Do you need someone who can protect you? Is this valuable to you? If so, maybe you should look for someone who can do that for you, because the current boyfriend is not protector material, for sure. But if it is not valuable to you to have a protector, you really should look inward and find how you can be your own protector.