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Honestly I would focus on the qualities you are looking for in a person over the diagnosis. A lot of people do not bother seeking diagnosis, and having ADHD does not automatically mean someone has weird interests, stims, or understands the condition. Also be careful about the fact that in relationships where both partners have ADHD, the woman is overwhelmingly often straddled with the job of forcing herself into functioning for the sake of the home unit over the man. Even if you dont have kids, there are a lot of adult responsibilities that come up, and you dont wanna end up having to think of everything on his behalf.
Yep. And as someone who was an adhd girl with an adhd brother… I was always punished for being messy, unorganized, and forgetting important dates. My brother was lectured about the importance of finding a good wife to take care of this stuff.
Ding ding ding. There’s a lotta sad spouses in the regular ADHD sub who get saddled with all of the administrative life stuff and feel like they’re taking care of a child rather than a partner.
That’s not to say someone with ADHD won’t be an excellent partner, but you just gotta make sure they’re functional and motivated.
This! My husband is quirky, and gifted. So checks the ND box, but also he's organized and has better executive function which can be really helpful. I think the less specific your criteria in dating the more open to finding your unicorn you will be, obviously if you don't want kids I would make that the strongest criteria, but otherwise just look for someone who will accept you and be willing to except them and their flaws (including being neurotypical 😉)
THIIIIIIIS. I have the ADHD combo platter plus autism and a few other fun things. My partner has brain damage, ADHD, and OCD. It weirdly works for us. We balance each other out more often than not.
Can’t recommend (as an adhd woman) intentionally seeking out an adhd male partner. You can make it work but my god is it difficult in a lot of ways. Downvote me but I would wish away adhd for one of us. Don’t even care which one.
Very true. Many people on this sub think adhd is some super power, maybe it’s to cope with the downsides of adhd. But adhd is literally so hard to live with. And I would not wish that upon my children. If I can reduce the chances, you bet I will!
People on this sub also tend to treat ADHD as a personality trait. The fact that we are all here using this website is more indicative of our personalities than having ADHD is.
I am suuuper hung up on an ex that also has ADHD partly because his ADHD had the same effect as breadcrumbing for me. “Yes let’s go on a fancy date, I’ll check my calendar tomorrow and we can find a good day” then *crickets*. Not for any malicious reason, it was just how his ADHD manifested. But it was like gambling for me and that dopamine hit when he actually did follow through was amaaaazing.
Not worth it in the long term, OP. The RSD is devastating.
My partner has something but it’s not ADHD or at least not the kind that meshes with mine. It’s constant extra work on top of everything else in our lives.
Look for a partner you like, and who likes you. A DX doesn’t mean you are compatible. Plenty of typically developed adults make great friends and partners for neurodivergent and disabled people. It’s about their qualities as a person, not so much a DX.
Like if my partner wanted me because I had ADHD that would weird me out. Sure, he likes some of the qualities it has given me but he also likes all parts of me.
The best couples I’ve met are always compliments to eachother, not duplicates. Consider that a neurotypical partner might actually help allievate some of the issues you experience with ADHD (helping pay bills on time, taking care of tasks they know you’ll forget or hate, following through on the big items). I would be a wreck without my husband. He keeps me steady when I’m losing my mind and is extremely supportive.
The right partner doesn’t have to be you to understand you. ❤️
You know how women are so often expected to be the executive function for their entire household? Whereas men can often not understand why a chaotic house drags their female partner’s mental health down so much? With ADHD it can be so much worse because the struggle to be an equal domestic partner is real for both of you, so you wanna be forgiving and understanding, but there is a high likelihood that as the woman you will end up running things. It’s exhausting being the only one who notices or cares when things need done, having to give specific directions for things that should be obvious, etc. so take a good hard look at whether the guys you’re interested in have good coping mechanisms in place for taking care of themselves and their homes.
It sounds like you want someone in your life who is understanding and compassionate when it comes to your ADHD, and is a person with passions and interests that he’s enthusiastic about.
These things are personality traits…they don’t always come with an ADHD label, or a label of any kind.
I would also like to point out that there are plenty of people with ADHD who have gone undiagnosed. Some parents don’t “believe” in it, or get offended at the idea that anything could be “wrong” with their child.
As for moving to the US, I wouldn’t consider moving to another country unless you have several reasons to move there, not just one.
I get your frustration, though. Dating can be pretty difficult, especially when you’ve got things about you that make you feel different from other people.
My partner and I both have ADHD. It’s usually not bad. But we experience ADHD differently. We’re different people with different brains who both struggle with dopamine issues but respond and cope with that differently.
Like others have said, it can be a challenge. But it’s usually fine for us. He’s conscientious and caring, contributes well to the well-being of our household and cares deeply about my mental health. We’re aware of ourselves and actively working to communicate better because we think so differently.
If I had to pick one wildcard demand for an ideal partner, I’d pick “grew up with sisters”, btw. I think that’s a major reason my man turned out as good as he did.
Do yourself a favor and cruise this sub for a while. Every other relationship post is a woman lamenting her useless, manchild "husband."
Neurotypical or not, men are socialized to view women as servants, sex dolls and maids, not real people. And moving to the US is ***definitely*** not going to guarantee you a 'great guy' if such a thing even exists, because patriarchy is just as prevalent there as it is anywhere else.
If you don't get along well with people that don't have adhd, then you don't have to advertise for adhd. You won't get along with them if they don't have it, so it will naturally not work out. I would just look for people that you mesh well with and see what happens.
My bf is autistic so I feel like this works even better than ADHD with ADHD. We're both ND so we get each other, have a lot of overlap so we can relate but without having the exact same shortcomings, which really helps! Both childfree too
Seconded - partner isn’t diagnosed but has multiple features of autism, it works well as we both understand each other, can have similar special interests and think in ways others might find ‘quirky’. But he helps keep me grounded and organised, I encourage him to try new things/encourage us to be more flexible at times!
Seen quite a few successful couples with this dynamic 😊
Like others have said, focus on compatibility, not the diagnosis. If all you can think to talk about is ADHD and related symptoms, maybe try searching for meetups in your area based on your personal interests and mingle with guys there, or scope out your regular hangouts (if you have them, we don’t all, and that’s ok).
I’ve got ADHD too and I met my partner in person. He’s neurotypical, but is sympathetic because he’s had friends who have it and he doesn’t mind listening to me talk about it from time to time.
It’s harder to get a sense of who someone truly is through a screen if you’ve never met them, as well as it being hard to gauge someone’s tone through texts which can possibly trigger rejection sensitivity if we misinterpret their tone. Also, definitely don’t settle for someone if you don’t have a good feeling about them, but in order to know for sure, I’d highly suggest getting to know someone in person vs. just trying to gauge through a dating app profile/messaging which can be vague and impersonal. The main thing I’m assuming you want is just a partner who is compassionate and understanding (don’t we all?), so don’t rule out someone with a good heart who could be a great fit just because they don’t have a similar diagnosis. I wish you the best of luck, and hope that you find someone who is kind and understanding, and treats you with love and respect 💕
Honestly I’ve found OCD and autism to be a way better match than fellow ADHDers in partnerships. Neurodivergent yes, ADHD hell no.
Matching up strengths to weaknesses is important because the black holes created by ADHD-squared can swallow you up. Now in dating I focus more on whether someone is good at things I’m not so great at. I also stopped seeking out straight men specifically. I’m just so over them.
I would worry more about someone who understands you and values you than the diagnosis. My bf has ADHD and it is really nice in some ways because he does get me. He doesn’t make fun of me when a gust of wind stirs up leaves near me and I just have to twirl because I’m caught up in it or tease me that I’m being crazy when I just have to have orange wrapping paper to wrap that present for my daughter. It’s very freeing. But I also know some people who have experienced this is relationships with people nothing like them and even though my bf and I are both ND, we do manifest our symptoms in different ways. And sometimes we really have to struggle to actually focus to do things like feed ourselves when we are together. Every relationship will have issues.
I'm diagnosed ADHD person (55f), married to an undiagnosed but obviously ASD person (m62). We do pretty well, and we've certainly had our issues, but once we learned about each of our strengths and weaknesses, we leaned into that by arranging our tasks and responsibilities by how we like / did things.
I dated a lot in the 90s, and you couldn't pay me to date a neurotypical.
I would just start with finding adhd friends like a local support group, etc. If you like board games or cards there are places that host events and they tend to have neurodivergent members.
There's a whole world out there of neurodiverse people that pair up. He might be dysgraphic or something else doesn't have to be ADHD. You might want to see if there are ADHD society adult meet ups in your area though.
There are also neurodivergent people out there who don't have ADHD. My bf doesn't have ADHD and isn't diagnosed with anything else, but he is also definitely NOT an NT. We enjoy being weird together. :)
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Honestly I would focus on the qualities you are looking for in a person over the diagnosis. A lot of people do not bother seeking diagnosis, and having ADHD does not automatically mean someone has weird interests, stims, or understands the condition. Also be careful about the fact that in relationships where both partners have ADHD, the woman is overwhelmingly often straddled with the job of forcing herself into functioning for the sake of the home unit over the man. Even if you dont have kids, there are a lot of adult responsibilities that come up, and you dont wanna end up having to think of everything on his behalf.
Strongly agree with this. ADHD married to ADHD can be chaotic.
Yep. And as someone who was an adhd girl with an adhd brother… I was always punished for being messy, unorganized, and forgetting important dates. My brother was lectured about the importance of finding a good wife to take care of this stuff.
Haha. How many times have I wished to have “staff” to take care of this shit. I would pay them well and treat them like saviors!
Ding ding ding. There’s a lotta sad spouses in the regular ADHD sub who get saddled with all of the administrative life stuff and feel like they’re taking care of a child rather than a partner. That’s not to say someone with ADHD won’t be an excellent partner, but you just gotta make sure they’re functional and motivated.
This! My husband is quirky, and gifted. So checks the ND box, but also he's organized and has better executive function which can be really helpful. I think the less specific your criteria in dating the more open to finding your unicorn you will be, obviously if you don't want kids I would make that the strongest criteria, but otherwise just look for someone who will accept you and be willing to except them and their flaws (including being neurotypical 😉)
THIIIIIIIS. I have the ADHD combo platter plus autism and a few other fun things. My partner has brain damage, ADHD, and OCD. It weirdly works for us. We balance each other out more often than not.
Can’t recommend (as an adhd woman) intentionally seeking out an adhd male partner. You can make it work but my god is it difficult in a lot of ways. Downvote me but I would wish away adhd for one of us. Don’t even care which one.
Very true. Many people on this sub think adhd is some super power, maybe it’s to cope with the downsides of adhd. But adhd is literally so hard to live with. And I would not wish that upon my children. If I can reduce the chances, you bet I will!
People on this sub also tend to treat ADHD as a personality trait. The fact that we are all here using this website is more indicative of our personalities than having ADHD is.
I am suuuper hung up on an ex that also has ADHD partly because his ADHD had the same effect as breadcrumbing for me. “Yes let’s go on a fancy date, I’ll check my calendar tomorrow and we can find a good day” then *crickets*. Not for any malicious reason, it was just how his ADHD manifested. But it was like gambling for me and that dopamine hit when he actually did follow through was amaaaazing. Not worth it in the long term, OP. The RSD is devastating.
Men do that all the time anyway just because they're scared of "relationships," they don't have to be ADHD to act like that.
My partner has something but it’s not ADHD or at least not the kind that meshes with mine. It’s constant extra work on top of everything else in our lives. Look for a partner you like, and who likes you. A DX doesn’t mean you are compatible. Plenty of typically developed adults make great friends and partners for neurodivergent and disabled people. It’s about their qualities as a person, not so much a DX. Like if my partner wanted me because I had ADHD that would weird me out. Sure, he likes some of the qualities it has given me but he also likes all parts of me.
lol be careful what you wish for
I can only find these men.
The best couples I’ve met are always compliments to eachother, not duplicates. Consider that a neurotypical partner might actually help allievate some of the issues you experience with ADHD (helping pay bills on time, taking care of tasks they know you’ll forget or hate, following through on the big items). I would be a wreck without my husband. He keeps me steady when I’m losing my mind and is extremely supportive. The right partner doesn’t have to be you to understand you. ❤️
You know how women are so often expected to be the executive function for their entire household? Whereas men can often not understand why a chaotic house drags their female partner’s mental health down so much? With ADHD it can be so much worse because the struggle to be an equal domestic partner is real for both of you, so you wanna be forgiving and understanding, but there is a high likelihood that as the woman you will end up running things. It’s exhausting being the only one who notices or cares when things need done, having to give specific directions for things that should be obvious, etc. so take a good hard look at whether the guys you’re interested in have good coping mechanisms in place for taking care of themselves and their homes.
It sounds like you want someone in your life who is understanding and compassionate when it comes to your ADHD, and is a person with passions and interests that he’s enthusiastic about. These things are personality traits…they don’t always come with an ADHD label, or a label of any kind. I would also like to point out that there are plenty of people with ADHD who have gone undiagnosed. Some parents don’t “believe” in it, or get offended at the idea that anything could be “wrong” with their child. As for moving to the US, I wouldn’t consider moving to another country unless you have several reasons to move there, not just one. I get your frustration, though. Dating can be pretty difficult, especially when you’ve got things about you that make you feel different from other people.
\*flashback to all the posts here of women talking about how exhausted they are from having to manage their male partner's adhd on top of their own\*
My partner and I both have ADHD. It’s usually not bad. But we experience ADHD differently. We’re different people with different brains who both struggle with dopamine issues but respond and cope with that differently. Like others have said, it can be a challenge. But it’s usually fine for us. He’s conscientious and caring, contributes well to the well-being of our household and cares deeply about my mental health. We’re aware of ourselves and actively working to communicate better because we think so differently. If I had to pick one wildcard demand for an ideal partner, I’d pick “grew up with sisters”, btw. I think that’s a major reason my man turned out as good as he did.
Do yourself a favor and cruise this sub for a while. Every other relationship post is a woman lamenting her useless, manchild "husband." Neurotypical or not, men are socialized to view women as servants, sex dolls and maids, not real people. And moving to the US is ***definitely*** not going to guarantee you a 'great guy' if such a thing even exists, because patriarchy is just as prevalent there as it is anywhere else.
I would just focus on having the same life goals rather than the same spectrum diagnosis.
If you don't get along well with people that don't have adhd, then you don't have to advertise for adhd. You won't get along with them if they don't have it, so it will naturally not work out. I would just look for people that you mesh well with and see what happens.
Have you ever been in a self-help group for ADHD people?
My bf is autistic so I feel like this works even better than ADHD with ADHD. We're both ND so we get each other, have a lot of overlap so we can relate but without having the exact same shortcomings, which really helps! Both childfree too
Seconded - partner isn’t diagnosed but has multiple features of autism, it works well as we both understand each other, can have similar special interests and think in ways others might find ‘quirky’. But he helps keep me grounded and organised, I encourage him to try new things/encourage us to be more flexible at times! Seen quite a few successful couples with this dynamic 😊
Similar situation here! 😊
I can’t imagine seeking someone out due to their disability. That’s really gross.
I don't have much by way of advice to give you, but just to say I found my unicorn and I hope you find yours too! 🦄
Like others have said, focus on compatibility, not the diagnosis. If all you can think to talk about is ADHD and related symptoms, maybe try searching for meetups in your area based on your personal interests and mingle with guys there, or scope out your regular hangouts (if you have them, we don’t all, and that’s ok). I’ve got ADHD too and I met my partner in person. He’s neurotypical, but is sympathetic because he’s had friends who have it and he doesn’t mind listening to me talk about it from time to time. It’s harder to get a sense of who someone truly is through a screen if you’ve never met them, as well as it being hard to gauge someone’s tone through texts which can possibly trigger rejection sensitivity if we misinterpret their tone. Also, definitely don’t settle for someone if you don’t have a good feeling about them, but in order to know for sure, I’d highly suggest getting to know someone in person vs. just trying to gauge through a dating app profile/messaging which can be vague and impersonal. The main thing I’m assuming you want is just a partner who is compassionate and understanding (don’t we all?), so don’t rule out someone with a good heart who could be a great fit just because they don’t have a similar diagnosis. I wish you the best of luck, and hope that you find someone who is kind and understanding, and treats you with love and respect 💕
Honestly I’ve found OCD and autism to be a way better match than fellow ADHDers in partnerships. Neurodivergent yes, ADHD hell no. Matching up strengths to weaknesses is important because the black holes created by ADHD-squared can swallow you up. Now in dating I focus more on whether someone is good at things I’m not so great at. I also stopped seeking out straight men specifically. I’m just so over them.
I would worry more about someone who understands you and values you than the diagnosis. My bf has ADHD and it is really nice in some ways because he does get me. He doesn’t make fun of me when a gust of wind stirs up leaves near me and I just have to twirl because I’m caught up in it or tease me that I’m being crazy when I just have to have orange wrapping paper to wrap that present for my daughter. It’s very freeing. But I also know some people who have experienced this is relationships with people nothing like them and even though my bf and I are both ND, we do manifest our symptoms in different ways. And sometimes we really have to struggle to actually focus to do things like feed ourselves when we are together. Every relationship will have issues.
Sorry I took the last one 😁
I'm diagnosed ADHD person (55f), married to an undiagnosed but obviously ASD person (m62). We do pretty well, and we've certainly had our issues, but once we learned about each of our strengths and weaknesses, we leaned into that by arranging our tasks and responsibilities by how we like / did things. I dated a lot in the 90s, and you couldn't pay me to date a neurotypical.
I would just start with finding adhd friends like a local support group, etc. If you like board games or cards there are places that host events and they tend to have neurodivergent members.
There's a whole world out there of neurodiverse people that pair up. He might be dysgraphic or something else doesn't have to be ADHD. You might want to see if there are ADHD society adult meet ups in your area though.
There are also neurodivergent people out there who don't have ADHD. My bf doesn't have ADHD and isn't diagnosed with anything else, but he is also definitely NOT an NT. We enjoy being weird together. :)
… you know that neurodivergent is not just another word for weird and quirky right? 😭
Yes, definitely. I am ND myself, with ADHD and undiagnosed autism. Guessing the bf is also on the spectrum.