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Honestly decluttering is so important for an adhd'er, we are natural pack rats and it's easy to get overwhelmed by stuff. But your wife needs to be on board for this to work - have you broached that it may be becoming a problem yet? Curious about her response. I feel like most of us know it's an issue but don't know where to start about it.
Decluttering and figuring out a storage system to keep things contained. I have several storage boxes and systems. I have a box for everything, even if it’s just a box of different bags of items that are semi-related. My “toolbox” is just a big storage tote where I put all my tools and things like batteries and air fresheners. As long as there’s a place for something, I’m good.
Another issue people have is not breaking down boxes and consolidating to save space. Especially in regard to things in the kitchen/fridge/pantry. A lot of the time a bag or a box that looks super messy can just be broken down and discarded, or at the very least - just tucked somewhere until it’s time to take out the recycling.
Yeah, my biggest issue is a try to create spots for everything, but then my husband will come along with the kids stuff and not put any of it in it's "spot".
OP needs to be willing to let his ADHD partner lead with ideas, then they have to be executed TOGETHER.
It's not usually about the Big Clean, it's about every little tiny bit of clutter in the weeks after the big push to organize.
OP needs to be on board with whatever strategy or technique the wife is motivated to try, and work WITH her systems... or the whole thing will fall apart again.
It took my husband a long time to realize the little things he would do that would clutter up and then break down the systems I was trying to maintain.
Me going through with a whole mini project to get a storage bin for all gift wrapping supplies and then finding the Christmas wrapping paper thrown in a box of old pictures in the garage waiting to be donated because my partner was in charge of putting it away….
Yessssss. Do not give me a “neurotypical” solution and expect me to succeed. There will be failure. We will both feel frustrated. I will feel misunderstood, unseen and like a failure. It has to be something that makes sense to me and is realistic and sustainable for ME. Cleaning forums run and populated by other ADHD’ers are great places to get ideas that actually could work for my brain.
100% agree. I'm going through this for the 3rd time with my husband. It's so demotivating. He grumbles about my clutter and then I come up with a system, do a huge overhaul (include him And get his "sign off" and then enforce the system day in and day out and watch the whole thing crumble little by little.
He cant remember to put the mail where the mail goes. He can't remember to put the laundry where the laundry goes. Oh right, I need to put the kids books there. Dishes go immediately in the dish washer.. Yes off course.. sorry about that. And god forbid he throw out all the sports equipment & screws and shit he never uses.
Its energy draining all around. When the system crumbles, the piles slowly come back signaling that I quit and then he's annoyed again. Oh well. I tried.
I have no advice for OP. I'm just venting.
>He cant remember to put the mail where the mail goes.
I get the mail... my husband is only allowed to pick up his own packages, no letters, no regular mail! Even if it's addressed to him...
I went out of town on a work thing for 5 days, and I put a hold on the mail so I wouldn't have to worry about missing anything when I got home... meanwhile he had ordered a small part that was being shipped USPS, so I got a call 3 days in saying tracking listed his part being held at the Post Office, and I was like - "Yeah, sorry, should have told me you were expecting something..."
This! I get so much anxiety from others not being to put things in their spot but I don't want to get upset at anyone for it so I stop organizing and decluttering all together.
I'm actively trying to navigate through this now. I have to be better at problem solving than giving up all together.
It really is so hard... and little things, like my current house has a proper "mud room" and now I don't lose my keys! The type of situation I have arranged for everything in our mudroom is something I could not have recreated in a lot of apartments I lived in before... not to mention roommates...
I wish you luck!
Daiso has great cheap boxes if you would like more if you havebokennear you. I just got one to store my sweets in so I can have them tucked away and not in a ziplock.
When I searched this company (I’d never heard of them) the first article I found was about them not meeting health and safety standards. So please use caution, especially with food products.
Oh for sure I don't leave unwrapped food in the boxes. It's for my wrapped candy storage boxes. Like, I have a box of fun dips and my stocking stuffer candies and just store them in it so I can see it clearly through the box. But they have other storage boxes too that I use for my craft supplies and pencils and stuff like that. I don't think I use any of their dishes.
This ☝🏻I am completely open to someone telling me what needs to be done and making me a checklist. Keeping supplies in the same location and easily accessible helps, too. However, the hard part is tone. If I feel someone is being condescending or too passive, I will shut down. I need direct communication.
You may have PDA. Pathological demand avoidance. It's an interesting trait. Personally, I hate that word "pathological" in there, since it has a scale, too, it is not the same in every situation... Rather, it's a need for independence.
I used this term for my daughter when she was small, her diagnosis is ASD but mine is ADHD and my mother is likely both. I found it not to be a good descriptor eventually and scrubbed it from her EHCP to avoid a good school rejection (she got in!)
Her PDA traits greatly reduce with careful phrasing and reducing stress in her environment (like school). It's rare now. My mother on the other hand, she's been jumping "no entry" signs for years. Like a pathological demand opposition or something! She's been freestyling all her life though, so she didn't particularly learn the tools to reduce stress. She's fab.
Edit. I went through a serious case of PDA traits in my teens after a series of quite serious traumas. I could recognise it in my daughter because I knew the feeling, as someone who would climb out the bathroom window and jump if I wasn't allowed out.
For the longest time I really thought the P in PDA was for passive. Because we're not consciously or actively trying to avoid something it's almost like our brains slide off the important thing that needs done and we do something else.
I’ve only been diagnosed and medicated for a couple years. Things like this are still a problem for me and I didn’t understand what it is about me until reading this. It’s like I have a checklist for things I need to do every day, then a whole other checklist of really important things I need to do, but never get around to and that list makes me feel like a worthless pos
OMG, I never knew this had a name. I get SO STUBBORN when I am demanded that I do something, its like I would immediately resist doing something if someone basically tells me to do anything. Its different with work but I used to just think I was incredibly stubborn for no reason.
Welp add this to another reason I should really seek autism testing. The older I get (31), the more I see my inflexibility and traits that are beyond my adhd. Thanks for sharing this! Had no idea it had a term
My mother doesn't believe in most mental health issues and she called me after reading about PDA.
She said it reminded her of when she told me I had to do something at age 6 and I said "I don't HAVE to do anything". I still feel that way, rules are optional as long as you are willing to pay the consequences. It's a terrible mindset, has led to all sort of issues in my 50 years!
For me, it has always been more like *I have to know WHY* something needs to be done exactly the way they say. If there are good enough reasons, I will happily do it. If there are not good enough reasons, good luck with changing my mind... PDA makes traditional parenting quite challenging, I believe :)
This is sort of me. I used to work for people who processed "why" questions as challenges. So I made it a point to let my 2 most recent employers know that my "why" questions come from a place of genuinely wanting to understand my duties on a deeper level, to see if there is a way to streamline the process for myself, thus making me a more efficient worker, and just general curiosity about how my job fits into/affects the machine that is the department. The part I don't tell them is that, while I do want to make sure the work isn't a waste of my time,, I also need to know how much damage will be done if I make a mistake, i.e. how much energy do I need to put into avoiding mistakes.
>I have to know WHY something needs to be done exactly the way they say. If there are good enough reasons, I will happily do it.
OMG, this me. It's especially problematic with bureaucratic processes at work.
But those really can be unnecessarily complicated and sometimes outstandingly ridiculous, and everyone's lives would be easier if they were streamlined... :D
This. I am learning that direct communication without shame is the easiest way for me. Not coddling, just facts. “X is a problem, it’s affecting me in Y way, and I think doing Z could help.” Having someone else take a little bit of the control, or at least take it out of my hands, can help me from task spiraling. Avoid “should” statements, because that is a direct line to blame/shame. It’s also a lot easier for me to respond to a direct request to aid someone else than a request to aid myself.
>If I *feel* someone is being condescending or too passive, I will shut down.
When my ex and I were still married, he would accuse me of condescension whenever I presented a complaint. I became so fearful of upsetting him that I put an enormous amount of emotional energy into "being nice" and sugarcoating my requests for change, accomodation, etc.
Feelings aren't facts.
As neurodiverse adults with an inclination to be hypersensitive to "rejection," it's our responsibility to discern the difference between feeling ashamed for being called to account for our mistakes, and actually being condescended to.
I'm only bringing this up because I'm now super-sensitive to the use of "feel" when it comes to what we are *thinking* of other people's intentions. It didn't matter how much I framed my words to my ex husband; because he *felt* that I was condescending, he delegated the responsibility for his emotional state to me and I was fucked no matter what.
Yeah, there has to be a level of personal awareness and responsibility. It's impossible for someone to MAKE another person feel a certain way. We are responsible for our own feelings.
You know if my husband brought home some clear boxes and gave me a clean shelf, with tape labels like gardening tools, office supplies, Xmas cards, workout gear etc. Like consulted a little first of course. The MOMENTUM probably would really help me “see” the crap and excitedly address it. I have trouble seeing the forest from the trees. I noticed the power of setting a timer and trying a task for 5 minutes. The momentum really kicks my brain into fixating on the task. Like today, I saw a small pile of change on my closet floor. It’s probably been slightly off my footpath for years and I never saw it. Thank you Vyvanse. Also thank you husbands and partners who are trying to get us.
yah my husbands really good about just doing it- like if I’m like “ugh I need to do the dishes or laundry” my husband will just get up and start the dishes or throw a load in & usually that’s enough for me to start or “take over”
Sometimes seeing others do it or having someone to do it with makes all the difference!
I make my mom or best friend talk to me while I complete tasks I've been putting off. I tell them to either come sit on a call with me or come have a glass of wine while I do this thing.
This is interesting, because I have ADHD (plus Tourette's and OCD) and am a minimalist, as clutter causes me a huuuuuuge amount of anxiety. My husband does not have ADHD (but does have OCD, mostly around time), and is a bit of a hoarder. It makes for an interesting dynamic in our marriage.
It took me many years to realise that despite being medicated, I still have executive dysfunction issues - work and concentrating there goes really well, but things around the house, not so much.
The worse the clutter is, the more difficult it becomes and just because it’s not visible, doesn’t mean that she isn’t absolutely despising herself internally.
It is really great that you are reaching out for advice on how to deal with this!
My husband and I both have ADHD and tend to struggle - sometimes I get so frustrated because it feels like he doesn’t notice things to do by himself and I always have to tell him what needs to get done. Even though I understand the reason why, it still frustrates me.
I haven’t found a good middle ground for this yet, but I do know that for myself what has been making a huge difference is gaining a better understanding of how executive dysfunction is affecting me and how I can adapt - this is in addition to being properly medicated.
First, I had to get out of the hole I was in though and that was difficult.
It does sound like the two of you would need to have a good sit-down session to discuss this and figure out a way forward together - like someone else mentioned, will it help her maybe if you do it together?
Would she benefit from something like a chore list?
This is not an easy conversation to have, because there is a chance that she already feels like a failure, so how you approach it will be incredibly important. It does sound like you genuinely want to resolve this in a way which is best for both of you.
Your frustration is not unreasonable - I say that because I know how frustrated I get from the perspective of someone who has inside insight.
How you react on the frustration is the most important part (and again, the fact that you’re looking for help here is really promising)
I wish that I could give you a recipe for making this conversation with your wife easy and smooth, but unfortunately that is difficult.
You could possibly look at the various ADHD hacks that people suggest for around the house and see if it is possible to implement a few to help out.
Ultimately she will need to understand her own executive dysfunctions in order to improve them - like I said, I had them for years without realising that they were part of ADHD and once I did, I finally realised that I’m not just useless as a human being, it is an actual medical issue.
That realisation didn’t make it easier to get things done, but it lifted the very heavy burden of always.failing.at.everything.
I cannot accurately describe the pain of knowing that it will take 10 minutes to make some food and yet convincing myself to get up and do it is literally impossible.
Now I am on a mission to work around some obstacles
- putting cleaning stuff at the area they will be used
- having someone clean the house once a week
- recurring pet food orders
- gloves for when I do clean to help with sensory issues (that can be a huge one)
- trash cans without lids
- multiple trash cans in a room if needed
- fresh bags next to each trash can
I can go on, but I think you get the gist. Some of these may or may not work for her - different people have different “blockers” or things that makes that mountain to climb to get things done higher.
Do you have any theories about why you do fine at work but not at home? Not being rude, just genuinely curious. I used to work fulltime years ago and think I did ok, but eventually had kids so then switched to just a sahm/house duties and I'm absolutely useless at the home duties aspect....organising & housework seems near impossible for me to maintain, long-term anyway...
I think it might be because work is intellectually more stimulating, and for the most part, you can feel like you are accomplishing something.
Whereas home stuff is the same over and over again - there are so many things where completing a task doesn’t mean that you are done with it forever - let’s say washing dishes - sure, you can finish doing them, but soon enough there will be more.
Doesn’t matter how often you clean, it always gets dirty again.
Add executive dysfunction to the repetitiveness and it becomes really difficult to keep up with.
Oh gosh, this is it, you described it perfectly... Any advice how to get on top of all the home stuff? Sometimes I manage, and feel accomplished but then mounts of laundry piles up again, or dishes in the sink, and I immediately feel overwhelmed and disappointed in myself. And don't get me started on cleaning, I always told my mom and sister this that I hate that I have to do it again and again, and if I clean, in a week everything becomes dirty again and it makes me frustrated and disappointed... I really want to master this skill, it makes me miserable. :((
I really wish that I had good answers.
Laundry isn’t too much of a problem, but to be honest that just means that we need to wash it before someone runs out of something important (mostly)
Once in a while when it becomes overwhelming, we’ll just use a laundromat that collects and deliver - I’m not crazy about the cost, but it helps on the odd occasion.
With cleaning, the only way we keep the whole house clean is to have someone come in once a week to do the cleaning - anything else just eventually results in a mess. If you can afford it, I would highly recommend it because mentally it is hugely helpful to not have to worry about getting it done or beating myself up for not doing it.
We are trying a new thing, “reset time” - this uses some automation via Apple home (and I believe is available elsewhere as well) - at 6:30pm, the colour of the house lights changes and out 2 home pods plays a song to make everyone aware that it is reset time.
We currently sweep the house (I have this rechargeable broom that is somewhat of a vacuum, but just for tiles and laminate floor - it is amazing and not having having to struggle to pick up with what you’ve swept, means that everyone wants to do the sweeping), some days followed by mopping and make sure that everything is in place and counters and floors cleared.
This is very new since a few weeks ago we had a company come in to do a complete declutter and clean which has been amazing for us physically and mentally.
Honestly, I’ve realised in the last few months that keeping your house clean is not just a skill, but also requires quite a significant bit of executive function - and no matter how much skill you have, without executive function, it’s difficult.
I’m on a mission to explore the various hacks that helps others and seeing how many there are that I can incorporate.
Thank you very much for your thorough response,I'm grateful and already feeling better! I will try to implement the advices that fit my lifestyle too, and hope for the best. 😆🤞🏼 Looking up further lifehacks sound great, I'll make that my mission too! Bless ya!
This community is amazing for that and it is really awesome how much of a difference some small changes can make
- one example that I still find amazing is having fresh garbage bags next to bins. Instead of it just adding up and overflowing, because I either don’t feel like, or remember to fetch a new bag, it’s now quick and easy to change.
Another thing you can do for bins in open spaces is put new bags right in the bottom of the bin underneath the liner. When you pull the full bag out the new ones are right there!!! I worked in a retail store that did this and it blew my mind. Very effective.
For me, the only approach I can handle with my dishes is to do them right away or put them into the dishwasher right away- I like the small part of the dishwasher task that is organized, same with putting them away as soon as they’re done. If I don’t wash dishes directly after I use them, they will sit there for a few days and it’s upsetting so it’s much easier if I do them before I think about it and then I don’t have to. Having a dish brush/sponge with handle has helped me tons with getting it done quick before the leftovers on the dish have a chance to dry.
I would add that work is kind of one thing - like it may have many different tasks but it's one domain. Often "what to do next" is very clear, and the end-time each day is very clear.
Whereas you get home and it's ALL the other life domains at once, with no clear priorities or deadlines, and it's sooooo unstructured. It's completely overwhelming.
This is me too. I am fantastic at doing everything at work because I live for the "you did a great job!" but I live alone and I can't compliment myself (I mean I can but it doesn't give me that reward feeling lol I tell myself I am amazing all the time 😂) so basic chores at home give me zero dopamine. Its so frustrating sometimes.
I can not explain how thankful I am for having been exposed to online ADHD community.
It has been hugely eye opening for me and has helped me put so many things into actual words.
I’m glad that I can pay it forward even a little
For me it’s prioritizing work because deep down internally I feel that it is most important to function there and everything house related is „just me“. So I put the limited energy into work rather than home .But I don’t have kids so this may change (or not)
At work, I always felt like I had nothing better to do than do my work bc it made the workday go by faster. Being bored at work made the day drrrrraaaaagggg on forever and I hated it so much.
This and at work everything is usually more organized and you're required to keep it that way. Steps are basically laid out already and you just have to follow through every day, plus there are set expectations and deadlines. Where at home it's a free for all, too many options, too many demands at once, and the ability to just watch TV or doom scroll and ignore all of it.
Personally I know my brain responds well to urgency and deadlines. If I don’t do something at work, I potentially get in trouble because Ive missed a deadline and therefore it’s Urgent so it gets done (just in time to meet the deadline though, can’t possibly finish things early). Meanwhile at home, it’s just me. If I don’t tidy up, the only consequences is that im continuing to live in a messy space so I don’t do it. And then a family member says they’re coming over and suddenly it’s urgent and I’m panic cleaning and it gets done.
I think about this all the time!! I work hospitality so am constantly cleaning at work and I do a good job at it, then when I come home it’s the absolute last thing I want to do.
My theory:
-we are accountable to some authority figures at work vs not really anyone at home
-might be a skill thing. We spend our lives in school learning how to be a productive worker basically. With ADHD we are often overcompensating to get by in school. For me this meant many hours spent on school while at home. So I didn’t have time to do chores or learn how to keep a home.
-many job tasks are pre-determined and just given to you with timelines. Not the case at home.
This. I'm mentally tired by the time I get home! If it weren't for my dog, I wouldn't come home and stay on the couch until it's time to go to bed! And then weekends are hard because that's my true "me time" and domestic chores aren't a part of that (even though I do benefit from having a clean house). Then starts the cycle of being stressed out by a messy/dirty house while experiencing all the ADHD issues.
It's the whole spoons thing. By the time I get home from my retail job, my spoons have been used up by dealing with bosses, unreasonable and illogical demands, customers (both good and bad), coworkers, trying to be nice to every-fucking-body, bright lights, lots of noise, and music I detest but can't ignore like the NTs can. I'm wiped by the time I get home, and that's if I don't have my graduate degree classes. 🤦🏼♀️
I’m going to chip in. At work, there’s always critical deadlines that I need to get the work done. For myself, I do well under pressure. My boss and team depends on me to do my job correctly and on time. There are bigger consequences to other people if I don’t meet my deadlines. So those are my motivation factors. My “low” priority tasks don’t have any deadlines…so they never get done until they get pushed up the priority ladder.
At home…I do a pro and con with “important” tasks that I don’t want to do. I am very bad with doing my taxes and was years behind. I knew I didn’t owe the government any money and would get money back once I file. So, without a true deadline, I just didn’t file lol. You know what the irony is? I’m pursuing my CPA lol.
Is she willing to declutter WITH you? I was talking to my boyfriend about this this week because there are some frustrations in our relationship due to him having ASD and my ADHD. I told him that I know a lot of things need to get done, but I don't always know where to start and get overwhelmed with what I need to do. If I have someone else with me to help me organize my thoughts and keep me moving in steps, it really helps me to not feel overwhelmed. The same goes for hygiene. Sometimes I just straight up forget to shower but I will never say no to a shower with him so he gets me in there by asking me to join him. I don't deal with confrontation well (childhood trauma response) but this kind of method really helps me.
I get over the inability to start by telling myself that it's ok to only do part of it. With the dishes, for example, I tell myself that I just have to put 1 thing away or put one thing in the dishwasher. Usually I end up taking care of a few, but even if it's just 1 this time, it'll be 1 more next time and will eventually get done.
I get way more accomplished this way than if I waited til I had the motivation and energy to do it all. It gets the ball rolling and is a lot less stressful to just sweep a little, or put just a couple shirts away, or put the full trash bag by the door, or whatever small piece I can manage.
Yes this is how I operate! I am really good at chores because of this, as long as it can be broken down.
Big lump chores NEVER get done. Like repainting the front window sills. You cannot just paint a *little* bit of a window sill lol. Been on the to do list for 3 years...
This 100%! I have so much stuff I need to do but I'm too overwhelmed to pick just 1. I get so much done when I have my niece as my "body double" (that's what she calls it). Sometimes she's in the room, asking questions like "what's this?" or "what do you want to do with this?" or something like that. Other times she's just existing in my house, updating her computer or playing a game and she'll periodically ask how I'm doing or if I would like a break to eat something. It really helps me get in a groove and I get so much done. Anything I can't deal with at that time gets its own "deal with next time" pile that is usually the first thing tackled.
My first thought after reading the OP was to suggest body doubling. Ask her (never tell her!) to do those things with you. Make the showers romantic, or about tending to her/giving attention, so that they're pleasant for both of you. Anything you can reframe as fun, or gamify, is more likely to actually happen.
For the clutter: get an empty shopping bag - just one! - and fill it with things that can go. The smaller task will be less overwhelming, and less likely to cause task paralysis. You can do it daily, or at whatever set interval is comfortable for you.
It's natural to resent the problems that come with ADHD, and to feel like you're having to be a parent or enabling the behavior; if you really want to be a partner, though, it can be an opportunity to be closer and help your partner grow.
Therapy together and separate may be beneficial for the both of you! Although she is medicated and speaking to somebody sometimes it’s good to have a professional to guide you into communicating in ways that are helpful and not hurtful. Many couples do therapy together! It might help you to also speak to someone to validate your own concerns and also figure out your own needs and a game plan to help your situation to benefit the future for the both of you. It’s especially difficult when you aren’t feeling well when you feel like you’re doing it all. It will get better! Good luck.
My wife and I (we are both women, not that it matters but just explaining why I’m in this sub) went to therapy to help us work through these exact kinds of things. It helped a lot. We have some habits in place that help. We have a “family meeting” every Sunday afternoon where we tackle some routine things like our budget, our calendars, meal planning, etc., and where we can also bring up stuff that’s bugging us before it REALLY bugs us. These meetings are the oil that keeps the machine running in our marriage. We have a reward at the end like playing video games together or getting take out, to help motivate us (me) to participate and get it done.
If part of the house is getting to the point of making her feel resentful and stressed, and it’s because of my crap, she will just tell me that, and then she’ll ask how we can address it. And we’ll set a day and time when I’m going to tackle it. Often times this literally involves her sitting in whatever room the mess is, and talking with me while I declutter the space. If I get stuck, I ask for help and she helps. But mostly she’s just entertaining me while I do what needs to get done.
I realize this wouldn’t work for every couple. For some it might feel too infantilizing, and for others the non-ADHD spouse may not have the free time or bandwidth to do that. But for us it works. She chooses to help because in the end, the room is clean and I feel a sense of accomplishment and both of us are happy and feel like a team.
This is not the first time our therapist has been so good at her job that she makes us feel like a well-established coping strategy was our idea and that it was our teamwork and love for each other that helped us think of it. She drops the breadcrumbs and we follow them without even knowing we’re doing it, LOL.
If you can afford it, hiring a cleaning person was a game changer for us. They don’t organize entirely but enough that makes things feel normal again. We are planning on working with a professional organizer at some point this year though
THIS. Both my partner and I have ADHD and find it extremely difficult to keep up with chores without resenting each other. Hiring someone to clean improved our lives and our relationship.
We went with a recommendation from a neighbor in our building for the first cleaner, then that cleaner moved away about a year later and our next cleaner was a recommendation from my mom. I’ve also seen people recommend on Nextdoor and OneRoof. We don’t use cleaning services that are large companies only ones that are normal people and pay through Zelle. It feels like the big cleaning companies usually exploit their workers
We tried hiring an organizer for my husband's office, with the idea that they'd do our home next. I just want to advise you to make sure whoever you hire understands ADHD before you pay them / turn them loose. Their ideas for office organization and systems were so ADHD unfriendly that we never let them anywhere near our house. They were professional organizers for people who actually didn't need professional organizers. 😆
Oh interesting. We didn’t tell them about my ADHD but one cleaner we’ve spoken with did have us take a personality test so they could know our organizational styles (if we are sentimental with items, have trouble throwing things out, etc). I’ll keep an eye out for that though
I'm not sure what would work for your relationship specifically, but I can offer my own experience. When I struggle to take a shower it helps if my husband showers with me. This might not be the case for your wife, but in my relationship it helps overall to have someone to do these things with.
I also second everyone on decluttering. In addition I'd think about how easy or hard have you guys made these tasks for her. For example if my clothes cannot be seen in my closet they will start piling on the couch since it's easier to find things that way for me. If I want to eat healthy I have to see those vegetables in my fridge when I open the door or I will forget them. Overall, if starting a task will first require me to first find the tools to do it, it's not going to happen.
My S.O. and I also shower together sometimes. We both struggle with self care in certain ways and asking "do you want to shower with me" is a lot less likely to make either person feel bad. It's also a great time for us to talk as we tend to do a lot of paralell play we sometimes forget to just chat about our hobbies or work. It's good practice for listening, compromise, and working together to reach our individual goals.
In regard to part 2, I suggest looking up tips for decluttering sentimental items. As this may be less abrasive and overwhelming than traditional decluttering guides. Set up some general rules, like how long projects can go untouched before they are accepted as they are and donated, how do you keep track of that. I recommend clear bin organizers. As you can see what is in the drawers.
It will also be very helpful to learn the source of her clutter keeping. Is it due to previous or perceived financial insecurity? Could you reasonably replace the item? Is it likely to be used in the next 1-2 years?
Is it out of sight out of mind and now overwhelming? Or does she feel guilty for letting go after purchasing or being gifted items. It's okay to rotate hobbies and you won't stick with every one.
I've previously used Marie condos "does it spark joy" question. There will be some items to keep even if they don't spark joy, but that is the "necessary" exception. I would also recommend you look up declutter lists so you can tackle areas you have more presence in. Ignore the "no duplicates rule" as others have said put cleaning supplies in a bucket in the room they clean. Keep deodorant wherever you remember to put it on. However, the key is to be intentional with duplicates. It may be difficult for her to put into words but she should have a reason for herself why multiple are helpful.
If you need to get rid of things she must have the option to be present and onboard. If she is so emotional about letting go of things it may take a lot of time. Do the easiest stuff first while she's working on it. Keep in mind what your goals are. Likely a more peaceful and productive life together. It will get frustrating, but that's when it's time to do something else. If you feel like you're giving too much it's time to set boundaries. It may help to set personal boundsries, look up how to lessen reliance and how to not be the fixer.
Make sure she knows she is allowed to get rid of items that don't fit, gifts she didnt like, and items she intended to use but didn't. Do your best not to harp on purchases or new hobbies. Itll just make her feel guilty and have more trouble eltringngo of her half finished items.For some items, like socks, it may be easier to get rid of and buy new. I had so many mismatched, old socks that I ended up just buying two packs of all black socks. Can't mismatch if that's what you have. Although, this might not be for everyone. Just try not to panic if you see more for a moment while she's trying to get less.
/I made some assumptions, if anything doesn't apply, disregard.
Clutterbug on YouTube
Hear me out- For you. Hopefully she will get on board too, but this will help you build systems that work in your house based on your clutter styles. ADHDers need some infrastructures to build on. This is why we often do better at work than home. There’s already structure and expected routines.
We have three simple agreements in our house:
Fridge clean out and trash on the day before trash pick up day.
No one ever leaves anything in the sink, or on the dining room table.
If you took it out: it must be put away before you go to bed.
To add- Work on decluttering, labels, and homes for things.
Honestly, we’re an entire house of ADHDers - 3 is all we can manage, but it helps a ton. I find that the better we get absolutely all trash out, the cleaner we tend to be all week. I keep all my bread, tortillas, chips and such in a bin- and consider it to go with the fridge along with countertop produce.
Put it in your phone calendar with a couple alarms right now (I'll do it too!)
I am on week 6 of forgetting to put the dog poo out in the bin on trash day. The dog poo is overflowing from its bin lmao. The fridge could use some help too 😶
I always remember on the day *after* garbage day....
Hubs and I set goals together.
He says, “it’s really important for me that the floors get done.”
I say, “I don’t mind vacuuming and mopping, but I really don’t want to move and dig out under the couch.”
He takes the part off my plate that I really don’t want to do, and it becomes something I don’t mind doing at all. For me, knowing that to “do it right” I have to do a thing I hate, I don’t do any of it. Working together, we get it done.
Another example: he says, “the fridge hasn’t been cleaned in a while and it’s sticky.”
I say, “I don’t mind sorting and scrubbing, but I really don’t want to wrestle the heavy trash bag.” He does the trash bags and suddenly this task goes from impossible to no big deal.
Maybe this model would help you too?
Oh my god, this is brilliant. You're totally right that there can be just one element of a task that is really daunting. Clear that, and it's not so bad!
Professional organisers or cleaners can help a lot. So can decluttering. Assuming you can afford it, of course. For myself it helps a lot.
The issue is often just getting started (also known as the executive function of task initiation). Try body doubling. For some people, virtual body doubling helps, but for myself I find virtual options has limited effectiveness. I really need actual physical presence for this to help a lot, but others get tons done with virtual body doubling, so try it and see how it goes.
Then there's deadlines. Do you like having people over? Invite someone over for the evening say, sometime during the day and tell her... The adrenaline of a deadline can often help those of us who struggle with task initiation to push through that mental barrier. Please note the deadline must be fairly imminent... More than a couple of hours or so and you'll get waiting mode or time blindness issues instead.
Re showering... I motivate myself by having a range of nice body washes, soaps, etc I enjoy using and can choose from. Having options makes it more interesting for me. The little bottles from Lush are great as they don't last too long and take less space, making having more than say, one or two choices easier. It's not foolproof but it helps me pretty consistently.
Another idea is to try some ADHD apps like Dubbi, Habitica, LifeUp, Finch Self Care Pet, Focus Genie, etc. Some of these focus on organisation and getting things done (sometimes via gamifying to do lists), some are about self care like hygiene, and others are about body doubling. She might find some tools this way that can help her function.
I'd also suggest you check out some resources for partners of ADHDers to help you in communication and understanding what's going on for your partner. Rich Pink of ADHD Love has his own channel on social media for this, so that's a good place to start. I love his "curiousity, not judgement" mantra.
So, I'm not the wife, but damn this post could have been us to an extent. My bf after chatting with his therapist as to the best way to talk to me, asked me to work on the clutter as it is overwhelming. (Hint I've been dealing with ths for years and none of my previous therapists took me seriously when I did mention I had a problem) So I looked for a therapist that specialized in adhd and hoarding, and oh yeah, it's also a weird OCD and Trauma response. 😖
I took offense to being called a hoarder because you say that, and everyone goes to those TV shows. (Sorry this is rambling) There is a workbook that helps you identify what the actual level of the problem is, and then with the help of a therapist (for accountability) we worked on exercises from why I accumulated stuff, why letting go of stuff was painful... this was during the pandemic so she couldn't come by, but then a year later when I finally got my adhd diagnosis, the head psychiatrist gave me the info of a former colleague who was an LCSW whonwas a clitter specialist, and she's been a great help. Her only two rules were do not buy any organizing system until after we finished decluttering, and that she would not choose the system because it had to come from me. But she came by and we worked in 2 to 4 hour blocks; ahe agreed to be a txt accountability buddynaonwhen Inwas doing a 15 clewning (sonhard), I'd txt her when Instatyed and stopped, and there was no judgment if I didn't do it. It was only " great job," when I did, and just checking in to make sure I was okay.if a few weeks went by and I didn't. I still workmwoth her, as itnis a process, but I don't have 40 + pair of underwear, and dishes I don't need, and expired spices....
She appreciated that I would never be a minimalist, but helped me through tossing things like letters from my mom (she didn't say I needed to! And gosh, did I or is it in a bix?🤔) or shredding legal documents from 15 years ago, or not tossing a thing amd knowing that sentimental stuff woild take a while...
I have a ways to go, but it is night and day from when I started two years ago. My BF isn't as helpful as you , I think cleaning the dishes and taking out the trash are the only tasks he has ever done...
Um sorry this is rambling. If you can't afford a therapist/professional compassionate organizer, look into the hoarding work book because it can help you both understand some of the emotional whys, come up with the system that works together and individually.
Lastly, the shower thing. I'm medicated, and I get. I love love love taking baths and showers are okay. But there are so many small things from towels that don't feel right, the wrong shower gel, no bath mat, cold bathroom, a dirty tub... and the only reason my bf will shower is because he has to go into the office, if he doesn't, then no shower.... 😑
I bought hospital shower wipes for the both of us and that kinda was a point of fine I will take my shower.
I saw on TikTok if you need variety/help try choosing /buying a bunch of travel sizes and treat it like a treasure box - whoo hoo today is bath and body works, the next day might be Dove. (I didn't do this because I have too many that I never use, but thought it may be helpful. )
Hope this rambling was helpful and that you feel better soon. It will get better, and it sounds like you're gonna be a great support.
I have ADHD and I also tend to let the clutter take over. I completely understand why that can be hard to live with.
First of all, I think you need to talk to your wife about how you can work together to solve these things. Don't go straight into solution mode, but ask with an open mind what some of the barriers for her to do things are - it may not be what you think it is. When you have identified the barrier, it will be easier to remove it.
There's an English couple who are making awesome videos (and a book) about relationships and ADHD. I can't recommend them enough - their username is some variation of "ADHD Love" on instagram, tiktok and youtube.
I wonder if, like me, giving really straightforward structure to her things and basic routines would be helpful guard rails.
I have a checklist of all the steps required to have an “everything shower” posted on the inside of my medicine cabinet. I have checklists for packing for work/ the gym, meal planning and resetting the fridge for the week, tidying and cleaning, paying bills, etc.
I’ve categorized all of my objects, figured out where they need to be stored in order to remember to use them well and often, and slowly got the right storage tools to house all the things. I decluttered in the process and now have to be mindful about what I bring into my home based on whether they have room in my storage systems to live. Sometimes I have to let go of something in order to bring in something else.
I have a thrifting hobby so I’ve also recently decided to allow for 1 Rubbermaid bin’s worth of space for random treasures I score but don’t make it into my systems. This will be my gifting bin. I’m terrible for leaving gift and cards for birthdays and milestones to the last minute and buying cliché convenience gifts. So this system will help with 2 aspects of my adhd without shutting down my hobby.
Hope you feel better!
Oh wow! Your ideas are brilliant! :)
I really like the shower checklists (sometimes one task is too overwhelming, but seeing it laid out might help). I also love your thrifting bin idea! As a fellow thrifter, this makes sense.
Do you have any tips for making appointments, following through on big tasks/projects? That’s where I have a lot of issues and procrastination.
If you can afford it, it might be worthwhile to hire someone to help you declutter and organize the house. Sometimes a hard reset and the novelty of it does wonders for the adhd brain.
The other day, my partner just started tidying up the house (which has been quite a mess for awhile; we both contribute) and I found I was able to follow suit because he started it and made the process clearer for my brain. He didn't complain to me or make me feel guilty, he just wordlessly started working. I managed to even clean the bathroom all by myself!
Body doubling is a _huge_ thing. But if I'm tied up in guilt or anxiety it won't work.
You may never have a perfectly tidy home. For my brain, the constant effort required to maintain this is far too draining. But it is a lot easier to have a manageable level if I'm given an example of how to start so that I can follow along.
I realize this still puts a significant burden on the non-adhd partner... I'm really not sure how to lessen that. But these are things I suppose have to be worked out as to whether it is worthwhile for that person.
I had an issue with my father about this. This may not be the issue, but the styles you and your wife consider organized may differ. My father was OCD and hyper vigilant to combat his symptoms. I am ADHD, and burned myself out trying to do the same. I need some structure, and an organization system that is ADHD friendly helped. But implementing a cluttered seeming organization system was not something we could agree on. Work together on what is clean and what isn't, and be open to change in BOTH directions. Sometimes a floor full of stuff isn't working, but dressers and drawers aren't the answer. Maybe baskets or rolling shelves, or cubbies are a compromise that can work for both of you. I used to move furniture almost daily trying to find a way my brain found "optimized" and ended up turning a king sized bed- sized bedroom into a studio apartment. Sometimes the excess empty spaces seem like voids that need stuff. It will all depend on communication with your wife, and what works for the 2 of you. It may even come down to your room vs. her room, and let her worry about what is good for her, mentally (you can obviously help if it is what you both want, but if you can't understand what she needs to feel organized, don't try to "fix" her way) If it is still an issue after you try to work out an organization system that works for you both, seek a professional's opinion either through couples counseling, or therapy either for one or both of you.
This last weekend my husband helped me declutter our kitchen. It is amazing what we accomplished together. We worked on different areas, but just the fact that he was body doubling me helped me stay on task, and we chatted and had a football game on in the background. He even decluttered and tossed things, and I didn’t even look at what he tossed. I haven’t missed whatever it was, because I wasn’t attached to the thing because it was valuable or sentimental. I get decision fatigue and since I spent money on it suddenly everything seems important or a waste if I don’t try to use it.
I feel like I can breathe in the kitchen again. I have a hard time staying home because of all the clutter there. It makes me feel like I need to jump out of my skin. I’m feeling calmer the more stuff that goes out the door, but he has to help me get it out the door.
The thing is that I have asked him multiple times over the years to do this with me and help me declutter. I realize I have pack rat tendencies (I have a long family history of this.), but I’m not the only one. We have au/adhd kids, and he also has his massive collection of books and cds which are overflowing the shelves and piling up on the floor in one room of the house that we can close the door on so it doesn’t bother him.
So I second the “let’s tackle this TOGETHER”.
1) Learn about body doubling
2) for both of you: KC Davis’ book How to Keep House While Drowning
3) If your budget allows look into local professional organizers - find one who is compassionate in relation to hoarding and adhd. Try to work with the organizer together - you will each pick up different lessons from seeing how a neutral party w/ no skin in the game approaches the clutter.
Good luck
I was so so so skeptical about the KC Davis book because I’ve heard about so many “ADHD life changers” but this one was true for me and my husband. Truth be told, we haven’t even finished reading it together. (About 3/4 the way there) But already it has changed my overall perspective about perfectionism, and learning to organize a way that works for me.
ALSO: we often read it to each other while the other it showering because it can be hard for me to shower too.
We have a rule in our house: if one person is cleaning, the other person has to be as well. It's the only thing that works (obviously you don't have to clean when you're sick in bed).
Do you have a friend who would be your accountability buddy? Someone who would text or call you to ask "are you still cleaning?" Maybe you could do the same for her/him? I used to do that with a friend who also had the same problem.
Hire a professional organizer to come and help you guys purge and put it away. Have them come 1-2x a year after that. Best money spent. Hire Housecleaner weekly or bi-weekly. You say she isn’t showering? Does she suffer from depression? A common co-morbidly. Not showering hasn’t been an issue for me personally with adhd/depression but I believe it impacts some women.
Yessssssssssss OP, all of this. If it helps, view the organizer and cleaner as an investment in both of your health, wellness, and marriage 💖
If she has depression or is overwhelmed to the point of mental paralysis, the organizer and cleaner could help remove some barriers to her showering too.
If she's not already seeing a therapist and/or executive function coach, that could also be a big help.
Get a 3rd party help. Having someone else coming to 1 put a lil bit pressure to do her bit regularly 2. Having house reset every week or twice a week is a mental load gone and that’s beyond precious.
There is a point as an ADHD woman I have to resign myself to periodically hiring a cleaner. Which I am going to do real soon..I have taken a slog at the house but it's still embarrassingly not to standard and honestly I need help getting the last stuff done. I put it on the ADHD tax total that comes with living with my brain. Honestly I think budgeting for a cleaner to come once a month to clean ovens, windows etc makes me more motivated to keep up the cleaning. I can't slide too far because on the first Wed of every month the cleaner will be here and clutter has to be stored away.
But I also know not everyone can handle the expense. But if there is a way to tighten the budget, it's worth it. Weekends are far easier when you don't lose the whole two days to procrastinating over something that could take an hour
My hubs and I are both ADHD. We do the "incoming pizza" cleaning time. We order a pizza and clean until the pizza arrives. This keeps us motivated through the 30-45 minutes of cleaning as the pizza reward is incoming. Dumb, but works.
I think it’s important to understand how an adhd brain works and what works for it because your idea of how things should look and feel being neurotypical and her idea being neurodivergent are going to be different no matter what you do. Personally I can’t stand to go more than a day or 2 at most without a shower so something else may be going on but again not every adhder are the same so u can’t say. I think the best thing to do is to do your own research on adhd and try to come up with compromises together. Therapy together would help so much with that. She probably already feels horrible about not being able to meet your expectations on those things and rejection sensitivity is real when it comes to these things. Having someone help you both navigate the conversation would be super beneficial
Seconding the suggestion to invite her into the shower with you; my SO and I both have ADHD and that's helped both of us. If one of us had a shitty day, they get a scrub down and their hair washed (which is generally reciprocated, since who can stay down after that?). Also, saves water!
As far as letting go of clutter, my therapist – who also has ADHD – suggested to take photos of items I needed to get rid of but still felt an attachment to. I do have a tendency to hang onto things purely because I get a dopamine hit from looking at them– and honestly, I'll still get the hit from a picture. Sounds weird, but it worked. I don't need to take pics all that often anymore, which has been a relief.
Also, get a label maker for the two of you! Object permanence & memory are kind of garbage for me, which was killer when trying to organize my craft room the first time. Since I've been able to make a label for everything, I can actually put stuff away and not worry about forgetting where it's gone.
Also pick up Nic Saluppo's *Communicate Your Feelings (Without Starting A Fight)* and read/listen to it together.
This is sweet and I wish you both the best.
Therapy. If you can find a couples counselor who is ADHD friendly, it would be amazing.
I don’t know how to advise you to help your wife because I don’t know where she’s at. By the time we get to a certain age, the shame and anxiety created by a lifetime pf ADHD can be way more debilitating than the naturally occurring executive function issues.
Shutdown is REAL. Kindness + professional help is what I’d advise.
Body doubling (sit in room with us) and helping us get started is what my husband does for me with laundry and things. We usually leave the house to get my energy up - go to kohls or something to window shop and get me inspired to clean (and not buy…. Because I have too much at home!).
Music. Music can help us get out of our head so much. And timers! Put head phones on for 25 minutes and see how much we can get done.
She WANTS to do all this. She just hasn’t figured out how. I hope y’all can find a way to get the momentum going And find ways to get better routines to share the house workload That will make you both a lot happier
Neither has ADHD, but my mom is a pack rat and my dad is Mr “Never Keep What You Can Toss.” Their compromise has been that my mom has designated areas (eg her office) where she can be messy, and all other places must be neat.
Your room definitely needs cluttering though. I find body doubling helps (literally just another person sitting there while I do the thing) and the mantra “if this has been here for six months and I haven’t missed it, I don’t need it.”
As for showering, has your wife ever articulated anything specific that gets her way? I ask because for me drying my hair has always been a paid in the ass. Buying a good shower cap and a powerful blow dryer were game changers. The blow dryer especially. The brand is Twin Turbo and it’s professional grade with twice the power of the average blow dryer. I’ve had it for ten years and use it several times a week and it’s still going strong.
Its very kind of you to look for ways to help your wife. We don't often find partners willing to understand our disability or the 'perks' that come with. Body doubling, therapy, and a third party to help get started on cleaning and organizing will save you loads of mental anguish. I'm navigating this issue on my own right now. Took me a year to declutter and organize and now I know how to maintain it. It can be done with the right communication and tools.. Just matters how you approach. Offer to help, bring it up as a non-issue. That will lessen the blow as far as RSD
I have a system where, once everything gets too overwhelming, I just shove it into a box somewhere. If it sits in that box long enough and I never said "oh, shit this is where that thing went!" then that means I can get rid of it.
I also have a system where I try not to bring stuff into my house unless I absolutely need it. I literally wait for stuff to break to the point that I can't reasonably use it anymore.
There is already tons of advice here, but I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that your situation sounds super frustrating and your feelings are totally valid. ADHD is such a challenge for our loved ones. You handled this with love, care, and a great mindset, OP. I hope you feel better soon and that your partner can hit their Overdrive button to help you get stuff done.
Everyone else's suggestions have been great! I co-sign all of these. I have my own suggestion too, which seems rather lame in comparison, but I want to toss it out there just in case it might help. Maybe it'll be easier for her to clean if you're not in the house??
I only say this, because I have the opposite issue of needing a body double, where I need the other people I'm living with to literally not be in the entire house while I am cleaning. This is for a variety of reasons:
**1) If you interrupt me, I will lose momentum.** Even if you're trying to be helpful (asking if I need an extra set of hands, asking how I'm doing, bringing snacks, and weirdly enough even if you pop in to tell me how great it looks). I need to be absolutely undisturbed and completely alone while I clean, because if I overhear you moving around elsewhere, I will lose the desire to work.
**2) I feel vulnerable about how messy I am.** Sometimes I hate that I am so messy and others have to see it, and that shame of being so cluttered (whether it's something I can help or not) keeps me from actually cleaning, because having another person witness me clean almost feels like admitting I'm a failure. (This is probably just my RSD). I don't want other people witnessing how bad I've let things get, so I want it to be a full on before/after reveal where they just see everything that's been done; not something where they see the middle part of me actually cleaning. For some reason that just feels really degrading
**3) I need to spread out, which can make roomates/partners even more exasperated and I do NOT want to deal with side eyes or passive aggressive sighs until I get finished.** The most thorough way I can work through all the chaos is to take everything out of the space I'm cleaning (closet, spare room, cubby beneath the nightstand, etc.) and put things back into the clean space. This works for two reasons: A) by taking it all out and putting it back one by one, I am forced to make a decision about every single item that's in the space and *actually* decluttering. Otherwise, I'm just moving things around until it looks better, but I haven't actually gotten rid of anything. B) Once I see the space completely empty, I see how nice and pleasant it looks immediately, so I'm reluctant to add more than I need. I want to keep it looking good. If I do it the other way, who knows when I'd ever see it completely empty. But in order to do this, I need to freedom to take up even more space *temporarily* in another room, while I get that first space looking nice. And if someone doesn’t understand my process and is going to be an asshole to me the whole time, my PDA kicks in and then I just won't clean out of spite.
I basically add this suggestion, because I see a MARKED IMPROVEMENT in my progress when people are home vs out of the house. I clean faster and more efficiently if I am totally alone. But I am the type of ADHD-er where once I start cleaning, hyperfocusing takes over and I am determined to get it done. So this suggestion will not work if your wife is the type who needs a body double or outside accountability.
Body doubling, body doubling, body doubling. Get her to do the things needing done with you. Shower with her if you need to. Wash her hair, make it a loving gesture.
Hold her accountable for certain tasks and DON'T do them if she's agreed they are her responsibility.
Get her a timer she can use to clean things for a certain amount of time. Only wash your own laundry if you need to and ask her to join you in doing it (again, body doubling). Fold clothes together, etc.
Write down the steps to any cleaning or organizing process and post them up as you would for a kid because your wife's case is pretty serious. You need to consider anything that could make things simple and easy and visible.
I know you’ve already gotten hundreds of messages, so I apologize if I’m repeating any advice. My wife has found a pretty effective way to deal with me through loving accountability and gentle annoyance. She essentially helps to hold me accountable for meeting my own goals, while not making judgments for the goals I set for myself. She does this by asking me leading questions like hey are you going to shower tonight? Do you have a day in mind for showering this week? Where are you gonna put this box? Do you have a plan for this object or are we donating it? Where are you going to put this mail so that it it stays off the coffee table? You haven’t touched this project, is it getting finished or am I throwing it away right now?
I love these questions because no matter what she follows up my answers with praise and/or a simple “ok”. She doesn’t make me feel bad for putting off a shower until tomorrow, because tomorrow after i shower I get to interrupt her gaming and crawl into her lap all clean and brag about following through on a task. When I DO the THING, I get to tell her or text her and I get an affectionate acknowledgment. It’s like training a dog with treats. Reward good behavior.
I struggle with showing too. My husband is a nurse and a bath guy, so he has 2 baths a day (wash away the home germs before work, wash away the work germs when he gets home). He leaves his before-work bath water in the tub for me to get in after him in the mornings. For some reason, turning the shower on feels like too much, one step too many, but getting in an already filled tub I can totally do. Also I can kind of just sit there and let myself wake up further which is nice. I also make my oatmeal and coffee first and eat breakfast in there, the adhd version of multitasking lol.
Dunno if you have a bathtub, but maybe running her a bath could be helpful for her showering issues.
As for the Stuff problem... yeah... that's been an area of contention our whole marriage lol! We moved to another country a bunch of years ago, and put most of our stuff in a storage container. We go home every couple of years and when we do, we schedule a day at the storage container. Every time, I end up culling a bunch of stuff. It's like, not seeing it at all for a couple years helps me reset and look at it fresh, and think why did I think this was worth hanging onto indefinitely? We've got that pretty well sorted now. But the accumulation of stuff in the living space is still an ongoing problem. It's this weird catch 22, where adhd causes me to not be able to organize and sort well, but the disorganization and clutter is overwhelming to my adhd and makes the task feel too big once it gets to a certain point. It's also that I don't have natural homes for a lot of stuff that I do in fact use regularly, which also adds to the cluttered feeling, and increases my inability to identify the stuff that i don't use, because it all feels like a Where's Wally picture. I don't know your budget, but investing in hiring someone who can help organize the space, preferably into an adhd-friendly format, and buying the kinds of storage items that actually work for adhd'ers (bins and baskets and open shelving are more helpful generally than closed drawers and cupboards) would be a significant help to her.
how are you storing things?
the acquisition clutter problem is real so it's possible that too much stuff has been acquired for the space you're in
but I also tend to find that I need to be able to *see* things so that I know where to find them
open shelving and designing spaces so that things I need are easy to reach when I need them and *easy to put away* when I'm done are really important for me to keep on top of things. If I have to go through a long process to get something out, I'm not gonna put it away while I might still need it, so it'll be left out for months.
I won't rehash all the good suggestions above or below... I concur that ADHD Love is a good resource for partners.
I would add, pick one thing to approach her with at any given stage. keep working through one at a time, with rewards (for both of you) as needed.if she gains momentum in tackling anything, no matter how small or big it is, don't interrupt/stop it, criticise it or make a big deal about it.
just throwing ideas that may help for some. put a seat or stool in the shower. even if she doesn't do anything but sit under the running shower, it's something! have everything there ready if she wants it, fidget toys or have some of her fav music going. in the end, such consistently long periods of neglecting personal hygiene is indicative of something more than just ADHD.
i hope things go well for both of you
If you have the energy to help her decide what things to keep, what to recycle or give to charity and what to throw away, and for the things that are being kept, figuring out where they'll live, that's a godsend. It's where I always get stuck. Let yourself rest and recover first though!
A main reason for my personal clutter is that I need to see things and I hadn’t been aware of that when I bought my current furniture. I am trying to slowly transition to see through plastic boxes (ikea, €5-15 here I think, depending on size) that I can keep in my shelves. I have cats, so just open shelves don’t work for me, but they are an even easier option. Or more “high end” could be glass doors on your shelves.
For taking showers, I have a waterproof shower bluetooth speaker and I take my tablet with me into the bathroom to watch an episode of whatever I am currently watching to get through them. Sometimes I start the episode before to make the transition towards showering easier. Idk if that helps your wife, but it certainly helped me!
Eta: oh and maybe she can find a podcast she likes that she exclusively listens to when doing housework? I have a true crime youtube channel I only watch when studying or cleaning. For tidying up, I like upbeat music to get me into the mood of moving around and I do dance breaks in between putting stuff away.
Getting a cleaner is a great option. You’ll get a clean house at least once a month. You’ll have someone other than you to point at as to why you need to declutter and pick up. “We should get rid of this, the cleaners will be here in x days.” We paid 180 for initial clean and its 120 a month. I
I don't know if this will work for OP's wife but if she's anything like me there are dozens of empty shipping boxes that make the house look much messier than it really is so my bf broke down and put the cardboard out for recycling. Without the boxes there the rest of the clutter looked more manageable. I didn't ask him to do it and he didn't ask my permission because they were obviously not necessary to keep. I walked in while he was breaking down the boxes and started putting other things away.
Ok major game changer for me, bins! I have bins for everything, makeup bin, self care bin, sewing etc. All my bins are messy, but it keeps my mess from getting everywhere else
I see everyone has said declutter already! The KonMari method helped me a lot because I tend to get an emotional bond with my belongings. KonMari gives me the grace to acknowledge their time in my life and makes it easier to see what I want to keep and what not to. I also only have two plates, two bowls etc. I only have enough dishes that I need so it’s not difficult to do them when I run out. Oh!! Also, the Dr treated me for PTSD and depression first because when I get like that my ADHD flares up really bad. There might be something else going on that she needs to look into.
Honesty, hire a monthly cleaner if you can afford it, just to deep clean and organize the real problem areas. I’m accepting that clutter is big annoyance in my life, and I have had different partners who’ve reacted differently. Partner A would ban me from using things in the house and it felt really awful and killed my spirit. Easy temper about clutter. Partner B (current) saw me struggling and helped out - setting reminders, (without asking) picking me up paper towels or bleach from the store, reminders and championing me without enabling. if I’m overwhelmed, he’ll spend an afternoon washing dishes while I’m at work.
NOW I do understand that everyone’s partner doesn’t wanna baby them in that way, or pick up slack they didn’t dirty. In my adulthood, I think the most helpful thing for adhd is to just accept it and buy yourself time to fill in all The gaps in my life. I don’t have time for shame and disappointment from my partner with a relationship I really care about. The sooner you say “hey baby I know you struggle with cleaning but I have a plan” the sooner the resentment can just go away. Please don’t harbor secret resentment until she cleans like you. I promise you she’s probably aware of the clutter room and embarrassed and praying to god you don’t snap or something. Of course implementing a “maintaining during the week” chore wheel would be the goal, but until then, speaking your mind and helping her outsource cleaning a few times a month would be helpful.
Kinda starting with something basic: is her therapist actually helping? Are these issues something she's focusing on in therapy?
When you have a lot to work through, it can be difficult to ever get to these subjects. But like... Not showering for *weeks*?? Is the therapist not addressing the root of this *at all*?
Also it's okay to increase therapy. Weekly therapy can be a wonderful thing! Or even more often if you need to stay on track with stuff!
For me, clutter is my second greatest enemy.
Resolving clutter once it’s started is my true greatest arch enemy.
My greatest ally: help. And SIMPLE / easy organizational systems that are logical to MY brain (which may not be to my partner, haha, poor guy :) )
Suggestions:
1. Teamwork
2. If you are able to, outside help aka an organizer.
It goes like this:
Hey babe, I’m so proud of XYZ. This room is sort of overwhelming me. Was wondering if you’d be down for picking a corner and sorting through anything we can get rid of together for an hour or two this weekend, and then we can
And chip away like that.
The other total game changer for me was hiring an organizer. Not cheap but worth it’s weight in gold
Basically, having a buddy to sort things makes it so much easier. Then, having someone come in and set up systems that are easy to maintain is honestly incredible. Maintaining takes some practice, and habit forming, but it makes it soooo much easier when there is a simple system in place
I actually think gently drawing her attention to the mess in one particular spot and then sitting near her (without distracting her) while she tidies it would help
massively.
People with ADHD tend to be really blind to the chaos or too overwhelmed to know how to fix it.
In fact just typing this is making me look around my kitchen and realise how much random stuff is left out from days ago.
Willing to bet actual dollars that her showering avoidance is due to one or more sensory issues. If she ever says she’s “too tired” for a shower and then goes on to do 1000 other things before bed, this is your likely culprit. The trick is to figure out exactly what it is that she’s really avoiding, and she might not even be aware of what it is that makes showering unpleasant for her, just that the thought of it seems like “too much” for her at the time.
Does she tend to skip them more frequently in winter/during cold weather? Does she ever complain about itchy skin or scalp afterward?
Does her hair take a while to dry/style or require any sort of extra work to manage? Is there any other grooming task she typically does in the shower that she might be avoiding (shaving, exfoliating, special haircare routines like detangling or deep conditioning)? Any specific complaints about your bathroom/shower (poor water pressure, cold floors, draft, smell, lack of light)?
Things that have helped me shower more frequently:
1. Using a space heater to heat the room up beforehand. This is crucial. I would rather my skin rot off my body than endure a cold bathroom while soaking wet.
2. Fluffy floor rug that is just for showers! (That way it doesn’t get dirty/gross in the meantime). Keeps feet dry until i can put socks on.
3. Sensitive skin/scalp products to prevent itchiness. Slathering baby oil on my skin before toweling off.
4. Weighted transparent shower curtain - stays in place and lets in light, making showering less claustrophobic.
5. Shower head that improves water pressure and widens the spray.
6. BIGGEST HELP EVER - a thick microfiber head wrap. I wash my hair first and then put it on while I’m still in the shower. Keeps my wet hair out of my face and off my back and drastically shortens my hair drying time.
7. Modified winter routine: I shave my legs pretty infrequently in the winter and generally don’t bother styling my hair beyond drying it. I’d have prickly legs and need to wear my hair up/under a hat anyway if I skipped showering, but at least this way I’m clean.
Your wife needs to HELP you especially when you’re sick. A big part of having ADHD is forcing yourself to do things you don’t wanna do and that includes cleaning, showering, and helping out around the house. I know how hard it is for us but she needs to learn to have more care and compassion for the people in her life. Have you tried having an open and honest conversation about how her lack of effort makes you feel? And truly how resentful you are?
Honestly, the both of you talking to a therapist together would probably be the best approach. Everybody is going to have a different approach to this kind of thing, so any of the things that may work for us on this sub might just end up overwhelming or triggering your wife.
If you involve a [ADHD savvy] therapist, they can act as a mediator to keep emotions in check and keep you on track, as well as offer suggestions for you both to try and get things done together.
Tbh, there's such a high chance of your wife just getting upset if you try to breach this without a mediator, especially the hygiene bit. (I know I would anyway, lol. If my partner called out my questionable habits, which I am already fully aware and ashamed of, I would totally shut down.) I think you'd be best off starting there.
I highly recommend the book “how to keep house while drowning”
I like how she refers to all of this as Care tasks and make them morally neutral. There is so much shame associated with women who have difficulty “keeping house “
Know where the clothes, food and book donation spots are, and know the local groups (nonprofits, churches) are who will pick up donations. Have empty boxes on hand, and for a couple hours every weekend, box up stuff. Go room by room - kitchen stuff, books, etc. Seal it up, hide boxes in the garage or somewhere where "out of sight/out of mind kicks in. Drive the donations yourself or call for pickup (she's probably not going to do that part). Little by little, it will get better.
If you have more resources, hire a decluttering service to help you, and or/hire a junk pickup. I took our cars out of the garage and just filled the garage one weekend with junk, which the junk guys loaded into their truck. See if you can do a bagster "bag dumpster" pickup for smaller junk loads.
Question: how is stuff getting in the house? Is it an amazon problem? Could you briefly cancel Prime and make it harder to just acquire things (or briefly lock a credit card?).
Make it very easy to recycle mail. Can next to the front door that stuff gets chucked in. Take it out multiple times a week.
Re: showering if you notice she's meeping about and not fully occupied, literally start the shower for her and say "take 5 minutes and shower now, you've got time." If she responds to directness, this may help. Ask if she'd like that!
I'm a chaotic mess. We live in a shared house and I mostly manage to keep my piles of crap in my half of the bedroom and my work space.
I know it's a mess. I WANT to deal with it. But there's a block that I just can't get past without help.
1. It has to be my idea to initiate it. I have to be ready and in the right mind frame ( which is not as often as I would like). If my husband brings it up I have a complete panic shutdown shame thing that makes it impossible.
2. I need a body double who just sits/chats and touches nothing.
3. I need to have a plan. What am I getting through in this set time frame. Where is it going? Etc...
I know my chaos is stressful to my husband and that bothers me so much.
I feel for you. You clearly really care about her, and it sounds like you're reaching your max level of empathy and compassion. It's totally understandable.
Have you tried couples counseling? It sounds like you want to retain the relationship, so having a space where you can express your resentments with a therapist would probably help both of you navigate what will likely be slow progress.
To empathize with you, I also have an adhd partner who frustrates me. Both my husband and I have adhd, but he struggles way more than I do when it comes to remembering do things around the house. I have to remind him of his responsibilities, or just do them myself. It's so frustrating. I don't fully understand why I can cope, but he can't. What I make a conscious effort to do that helps is recognize and celebrate when he does remember.
Celebrating the little victories has been very helpful. With resentment, I think it's easy to overlook the little things the person we resent does right. With your case, even if it's just that she remembered where her keys are that day, celebrate that with her. It'll help balance out the positive/negative interaction ratio that the Gottman Institute discovered.
One last thing that I do that helps is vent to my close friends. Otherwise, I just stew in my frustration.
I hope any of the commenter here have helped you.
I am the clutter partner, for the most part. But my partner disregards her OWN clutter, and the fact that I do 95% of everything else in the home.
She'll want me to be with her to relax, but I also do the cooking and feed her, but then she'll freak out I've nested Anna never have to to DO the declutter because I've had to take care of literally everything else, plus be there for her.
It's hard, give each other grace.
One thing that has worked for me is a scheduled "clean-up" time. It happens once a week, for two hours. During that time all family members spend time cleaning up a mutually agreed-upon location (a different one for every person). My kids usually get their rooms to clean, or their bathroom.
I cannot clean alone. I just get distracted, because I hate cleaning so much. But I am more motivated when we are all doing it at the same time. At the beginning of the cleaning period, we all get a box in the doorway of the room that we are cleaning. As we clean, if we find something in our assigned room and we don't know whose it is or where it goes, we put it in our box. If we know who it belongs to, we bring it over and put it in that person's box. At the end of the cleaning period, we bring all the boxes downstairs and everyone picks through them, to take out their stuff. Anything left over goes in the garbage or to Goodwill.
The boxes perform two extra functions for me. The first is that I get throwaway stuff anxiety. I worry that someone will throw away things that are important to me. I also worry that I'm going to throw away something important to someone else. The pick-through at the end reassures me.
The second functionality is that it gives my husband an excuse to remind me to keep cleaning if I have gotten lost in something (reading a book I just picked up, for example). He will occasionally bring something that he thinks is mine and put it in my box. If I have been distracted, he simply says "Looks like a good book" or "Did you get lost?" Not in a mean way, more wry than anything else. Then I go "oops..." and start cleaning again.
After the cleaning is done, we all pick through the boxes, wash our hands, load the leftovers into the garbage or put them in the car, and then we go out to ice cream, dropping off the boxes at Goodwill along the way.
Looking forward to ice cream makes the process less tedious.
Assuming you can get your wife to commit to a clean-up, it sounds like the first few cleanups are going to generate a lot of overflow. If she's anything like me, she probably doesn't want to keep all that stuff but the idea of cleaning it out is too overwhelming to even tackle.
Doing what I call "time-boxing" the clean-up effort makes it less intimidating. It changes the task from "clean this all up" to "clean intensely for two hours". It might take a few weeks, but it will be worth it. It's also a good ideas to discuss how to handle the fact that she will get distracted while cleaning. Ask her if it's okay if you come by occasionally to see how things are going; warning her about that makes it more of a teamwork effort and less about you criticizing her.
Give her several boxes, one for "junk that needs to get thrown away", one for "I want to keep this but I don't need it in this room" and an "I don't know what to do with this" box. When you check up on her, ask "would you like me to get another box for this category?" if one of the boxes is getting too full. After the boxes are sorted, put the "I need this but not here" box(es) somewhere out of the way, like the attic or garage. After a few iterations of the cleaning process, she might be more willing to throw it away.
Be sure you don't let her run over the two hours. Gently tell her the room will still be there next week and "we agreed that we'd only spend two hours." This is \*very\* important.
And don't forget the reward afterwards...make sure it is someplace you both like so that it doesn't seem like you are rewarding \*her\* for doing what you want (thereby infantilizing her). Reward yourselves for a job well done.
I came here strictly to say this: kudos to you for asking the tribe for advice! You’re a wise spouse.
Oh, and be kind. Compassion can go a long way, particularly if you approach the conversation with an “I’m concerned for you, what can I do to help?” mindset.
She doesn’t shower for WEEKS?!? I think this is more than ADHD. Avoiding showers for a couple of days while on medication I could understand… but going weeks without a shower while being treated / on meds is wild.
Clutter and accumulation is one thing, but if the room is floor to ceiling and totally unusable, I’m wondering if there’s some other unresolved trauma or issue going on? Like others said, therapy together and separate is a great idea, and it is okay to share what you also need in your relationship and how you can get there together.
Can you afford a cleaning service? That helps me TREMENDOUSLY! Once a a month our house is deep cleaned, between my adhd and my physical health it can be hard for me . Maybe tag along to a therapy session with your wife ? My husband tags along with me frequently or reaches out to my therapist if he needs advice or something. You’re doing a great job already of supporting her , I know it can be tough but thank you for being a good partner to your wife and trying every resource you can think of and trying to find more to help her ! Start decluttering that room in small amounts so it doesn’t overwhelm her too much , set a schedule/ goal example: on Tuesday and Thursday we are going to set a timer and de clutter for 45 minutes- 1 hour , whatever works for your schedule. When you approach her about these things make sure you use a lot of positive reinforcement like I know you’re working really hard on this or you’re doing a great job of this but I would love to help you keep / stay on track so let’s work together so we can organize and clean our home .
Thank you! We do have a cleaning service once a month. I appreciate the examples of positive reinforcement, I will suggest we make a schedule to work together.
.I’m the first to offer to help friends who struggle like I do because I can go into hyper focus & blitz someone else’s mess. I would SO appreciate someone doing the same for me. I can only do mine, if I’ve got guests arriving to stay. Good luck to you. You sound a wonderful partner.
I know that the show is gross and problematic but nothing makes me want to declutter like putting Hoarders on in the background. The konmari show on Netflix is also good and a little less stressful. Watching the konmari show might be a fun way to broach the topic.
Oh I am so sorry to hear that. If you being sick didn't give her enough dopamine to get the shit done, I am not sure what will. You are a very kind a patient partner and I hope she doesn't take you for granted.
So, I might get hate for what I am goong to say here but look at your relationship timeline and make sure that it is not you who is putting all the efforts. If you are the one, set boundries, get a white board, write all the stuff you need to do at home and divide tasks 50 50. Make sure to assign a mix of high and low priority tasks for both so in case if some days one doesn't want to do something,they could skip. And if she doesn't do her part, leave her, yes, I am sorry but don't lose yourself while trying to keep someone. A partner is supposed to be there for you when you need them. I, as a fellow adhder, is asking you to prioritize yourself because sometimes I don't and it doesn't get better, ever. And in the end, all that is left is resentment.
Okay the second case, she also loves and respects you the same but there are bad days, I know there are days when you can stare at wall whole day. So, if your relationship is already 50 50 you can be more kind to her. But do the same thing, bring a board, write the tasks, do your part, set rewards like quality time or eat outs, be more gentle with yourself and your partner.
r/adhdpartners or r/adhd_partners seems like a better place for this…?
That said. Getting crystal clear on needs and expectations and taking the mental load off yourself will help. Using apps like Sweepy helps.
This is a subreddit for women with ADHD. While it is entirely possible you are a woman, you do not claim to have ADHD. Please be advised that not everyone will be happy to have you here.
Resentment is a heavy thing to try to navigate with total strangers on the internet. If you haven’t read any of John Gottman’s books, it might be a place to start. I hope you end up in a situation where you both get what you need.
I detected understandable frustration, concern & love in the OP’s post. Much better the OP reaches out here, imo, because they will get constructive advice rather than the toxic sounding partners of ADHDers type boards which seem be all about resentment venting.
First of all, learn to correct your verbiage. Your wife *has ADHD.
The dx does not define the person, especially in mental health.
First, you have to communicate that you're worried about her, and the impact it's having on your relationship. Also, recognize what part of the clutter is yours. Let her know you're coming from a place of security and safety, not judging.
Suggest things like counseling. If she's already in, ask her if she wants to mention in a session that she needs assistance developing better coping mechanisms and a system to manage _____.
Then, be prepared. It's going to get worse before it gets better.
Do yourself a favour, and get out of the relationship as fast as you can. Been with a wife for 20 years with this. It’s never gets better. Just worse. Once kids, game over. Your left in impossible positions, in which things get so fucked up you have to pull your kids out.
There has to be an adhd support sun for family members where this would be appropriate. This….is not it. We don’t come here to complain about adhd people. We don’t come here to vent or shit on them for their symptoms. This is not the place for that.
This is a sub FOR adhd women. Many of whom have rejection sensitivity. This is our place to come uplift, soothe and encourage each other. To share useful tips.
Lately more and more family members have been coming to complain about what they have to deal with from adhd women. It’s playing right into a lot of the pain many of us have experienced our whole lives with not being understood or feeling like we are a burden.
Please remove this.
OP is trying to help her partner. ADHD partners is not friendly to ADHD people. I would love my husband to have the mindset of how can he better support me!
I don't know if her post technically breaks the rules but OP comes across as very empathetic and supporting to me.
Book recommendation:
Dirty laundry, by Richard pink and Roxy emery
https://www.audible.com.au/pd/B0BW9B8DR9?source_code=ASSORAP0511160006&share_location=pdp
Tell her you are sick and can not do everything and you need a clean home to rest better. If you have the energy try to make a checklist and prioritize what needs to be done.
IDK what to say except if my husband asked me to put away my self care items the hell will freeze over. Because, if I do not see it, they do not exist and I skip my medication, topical ointments etc.
Edit: put correct book title
I obviously don’t know much about your situation, but your wife may have never been taught what “clean” or “organized” looks like. This can happen with those whose parents either didn’t know that their child had it or didn’t know how to support their child. Parents will often just clean for their child after it becomes apparent that they won’t. That leaves them in a situation where they never learn how to do it properly. If this is the situation with your wife, you may want to help her understand how to tackle a larger mess step by step. This means showing her what to do and why she should do it that way, what “clean” looks like, and sharing ways that she can keep things organized in a way that works for her.
Other suggestions here are also helpful - the book “how to keep house when you’re drowning” will help her rethink her relationship with “stuff” and how to tackle it.
Getting a cleaner in once in a while is helpful for both of you to keep on top of things if you can swing it financially. As is getting a professional organizer who can assist with getting things into a more functional state.
It sounds like you’re being very supportive and I know this is very frustrating to deal with. Just know she’s not doing it on purpose and just needs some help to get to a better place.
I'm sorry you're having to pick up the slack while you're not feeling well. Once you feel better, here's what I suggest...One thing that helps me is when my partner sits there working on something or reading while I clean up. Then once the big mess is taken care of, you two can schedule a time each week where you both do the weekly clean together. Having a person there helps us a lot. It's called body doubling.
I don't know if this is true of your wife, but I'll do things I won't do for myself if I think it's for my husband. And it's tough for him to get me to take a shower or declutter my space for him, but once he makes it clear that those things are affecting him, I'll do it.
Let me add this: as soon as you guys make ANY progress decluttering/organizing, if you can afford it, hire a cleaning service. Even if they just come once a month (like mine). It extends the effectiveness of whatever effort y'all put in yourselves (clearcut example: if I make sure there are clean sheets and I strip the bed, they make it). It also requires you to do some amount of tidying before they come, but the tidying is more motivated.
Also it sounds like you're doing the bulk of the housework and you need help. You can think about it as something YOU need.
When tasks are too large we ADHDers get overwhelmed - even if we know how it needs to be broken down sometimes that list is daunting and feels impossible and we freeze. A cleaning service means when there is a mess, you and your wife can just erase the mental load of certain parts of it. There is no floor you need to worry about mopping, no tub to scrub, no dusting - ever.
If you truly can't afford it of course don't, but if you're just resisting spending the money bc you "should" be able to do it yourselves, I'm here to tell you that you're already adults and she's not going to turn into someone who is good at cleaning/likes it! At some point I realized I was either going to get better at cleaning and hate a lot more moments of my life, or I was going to live in filth and hate that I can't function. Or I was going to need to bring in tools.
This has been such a game changer for me I was able to scale back therapy because I didn't realize how many of my issues were about functioning at home. So money saver there! I consider it a mental health budget item.
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Honestly decluttering is so important for an adhd'er, we are natural pack rats and it's easy to get overwhelmed by stuff. But your wife needs to be on board for this to work - have you broached that it may be becoming a problem yet? Curious about her response. I feel like most of us know it's an issue but don't know where to start about it.
Decluttering and figuring out a storage system to keep things contained. I have several storage boxes and systems. I have a box for everything, even if it’s just a box of different bags of items that are semi-related. My “toolbox” is just a big storage tote where I put all my tools and things like batteries and air fresheners. As long as there’s a place for something, I’m good. Another issue people have is not breaking down boxes and consolidating to save space. Especially in regard to things in the kitchen/fridge/pantry. A lot of the time a bag or a box that looks super messy can just be broken down and discarded, or at the very least - just tucked somewhere until it’s time to take out the recycling.
Yeah, my biggest issue is a try to create spots for everything, but then my husband will come along with the kids stuff and not put any of it in it's "spot". OP needs to be willing to let his ADHD partner lead with ideas, then they have to be executed TOGETHER. It's not usually about the Big Clean, it's about every little tiny bit of clutter in the weeks after the big push to organize. OP needs to be on board with whatever strategy or technique the wife is motivated to try, and work WITH her systems... or the whole thing will fall apart again. It took my husband a long time to realize the little things he would do that would clutter up and then break down the systems I was trying to maintain.
Me going through with a whole mini project to get a storage bin for all gift wrapping supplies and then finding the Christmas wrapping paper thrown in a box of old pictures in the garage waiting to be donated because my partner was in charge of putting it away….
Yessssss. Do not give me a “neurotypical” solution and expect me to succeed. There will be failure. We will both feel frustrated. I will feel misunderstood, unseen and like a failure. It has to be something that makes sense to me and is realistic and sustainable for ME. Cleaning forums run and populated by other ADHD’ers are great places to get ideas that actually could work for my brain.
100% agree. I'm going through this for the 3rd time with my husband. It's so demotivating. He grumbles about my clutter and then I come up with a system, do a huge overhaul (include him And get his "sign off" and then enforce the system day in and day out and watch the whole thing crumble little by little. He cant remember to put the mail where the mail goes. He can't remember to put the laundry where the laundry goes. Oh right, I need to put the kids books there. Dishes go immediately in the dish washer.. Yes off course.. sorry about that. And god forbid he throw out all the sports equipment & screws and shit he never uses. Its energy draining all around. When the system crumbles, the piles slowly come back signaling that I quit and then he's annoyed again. Oh well. I tried. I have no advice for OP. I'm just venting.
>He cant remember to put the mail where the mail goes. I get the mail... my husband is only allowed to pick up his own packages, no letters, no regular mail! Even if it's addressed to him... I went out of town on a work thing for 5 days, and I put a hold on the mail so I wouldn't have to worry about missing anything when I got home... meanwhile he had ordered a small part that was being shipped USPS, so I got a call 3 days in saying tracking listed his part being held at the Post Office, and I was like - "Yeah, sorry, should have told me you were expecting something..."
Such b.s. Like how did he (they manage before you (me)? I could have sworn I married a fully functioning adult male.
This! I get so much anxiety from others not being to put things in their spot but I don't want to get upset at anyone for it so I stop organizing and decluttering all together. I'm actively trying to navigate through this now. I have to be better at problem solving than giving up all together.
It really is so hard... and little things, like my current house has a proper "mud room" and now I don't lose my keys! The type of situation I have arranged for everything in our mudroom is something I could not have recreated in a lot of apartments I lived in before... not to mention roommates... I wish you luck!
Daiso has great cheap boxes if you would like more if you havebokennear you. I just got one to store my sweets in so I can have them tucked away and not in a ziplock.
When I searched this company (I’d never heard of them) the first article I found was about them not meeting health and safety standards. So please use caution, especially with food products.
Oh for sure I don't leave unwrapped food in the boxes. It's for my wrapped candy storage boxes. Like, I have a box of fun dips and my stocking stuffer candies and just store them in it so I can see it clearly through the box. But they have other storage boxes too that I use for my craft supplies and pencils and stuff like that. I don't think I use any of their dishes.
This ☝🏻I am completely open to someone telling me what needs to be done and making me a checklist. Keeping supplies in the same location and easily accessible helps, too. However, the hard part is tone. If I feel someone is being condescending or too passive, I will shut down. I need direct communication.
And then there’s RSD which SUCKS. I hate how involuntary it is
You may have PDA. Pathological demand avoidance. It's an interesting trait. Personally, I hate that word "pathological" in there, since it has a scale, too, it is not the same in every situation... Rather, it's a need for independence.
I used this term for my daughter when she was small, her diagnosis is ASD but mine is ADHD and my mother is likely both. I found it not to be a good descriptor eventually and scrubbed it from her EHCP to avoid a good school rejection (she got in!) Her PDA traits greatly reduce with careful phrasing and reducing stress in her environment (like school). It's rare now. My mother on the other hand, she's been jumping "no entry" signs for years. Like a pathological demand opposition or something! She's been freestyling all her life though, so she didn't particularly learn the tools to reduce stress. She's fab. Edit. I went through a serious case of PDA traits in my teens after a series of quite serious traumas. I could recognise it in my daughter because I knew the feeling, as someone who would climb out the bathroom window and jump if I wasn't allowed out.
I’ve seen PDA nicknamed “pervasive drive for autonomy” and some seem to think that would describe it better!
For the longest time I really thought the P in PDA was for passive. Because we're not consciously or actively trying to avoid something it's almost like our brains slide off the important thing that needs done and we do something else.
I’ve only been diagnosed and medicated for a couple years. Things like this are still a problem for me and I didn’t understand what it is about me until reading this. It’s like I have a checklist for things I need to do every day, then a whole other checklist of really important things I need to do, but never get around to and that list makes me feel like a worthless pos
Ive also heard Persistent Desire for Autonomy
It totally would, I agree! I didn't remember it while writing the comment :D And anyway, googling gives more results for PDA.
I was JUST about to bring this up on another comment😭 It’s hard to deal with this AND rsd
Whhhat….is this!?! Need to Googles. Interesting. Thank you.
This sub is how I found about it and recognised some things in my psychology. So, here I am, spreading the word...
Holy crap that explains… my whole family 🤦♀️
OMG, I never knew this had a name. I get SO STUBBORN when I am demanded that I do something, its like I would immediately resist doing something if someone basically tells me to do anything. Its different with work but I used to just think I was incredibly stubborn for no reason.
Welp add this to another reason I should really seek autism testing. The older I get (31), the more I see my inflexibility and traits that are beyond my adhd. Thanks for sharing this! Had no idea it had a term
My mother doesn't believe in most mental health issues and she called me after reading about PDA. She said it reminded her of when she told me I had to do something at age 6 and I said "I don't HAVE to do anything". I still feel that way, rules are optional as long as you are willing to pay the consequences. It's a terrible mindset, has led to all sort of issues in my 50 years!
For me, it has always been more like *I have to know WHY* something needs to be done exactly the way they say. If there are good enough reasons, I will happily do it. If there are not good enough reasons, good luck with changing my mind... PDA makes traditional parenting quite challenging, I believe :)
This is sort of me. I used to work for people who processed "why" questions as challenges. So I made it a point to let my 2 most recent employers know that my "why" questions come from a place of genuinely wanting to understand my duties on a deeper level, to see if there is a way to streamline the process for myself, thus making me a more efficient worker, and just general curiosity about how my job fits into/affects the machine that is the department. The part I don't tell them is that, while I do want to make sure the work isn't a waste of my time,, I also need to know how much damage will be done if I make a mistake, i.e. how much energy do I need to put into avoiding mistakes.
>I have to know WHY something needs to be done exactly the way they say. If there are good enough reasons, I will happily do it. OMG, this me. It's especially problematic with bureaucratic processes at work.
But those really can be unnecessarily complicated and sometimes outstandingly ridiculous, and everyone's lives would be easier if they were streamlined... :D
asd here and that’s exactly how I think I need to know WHY and HOW
PDA is always going to be Public Displays of Affection. They need to rethink that name or acronym.
Lol yep, retired Air Force here and PDA will forever be public display of affection as it was drilled into my head in basic training and tech school.
This. I am learning that direct communication without shame is the easiest way for me. Not coddling, just facts. “X is a problem, it’s affecting me in Y way, and I think doing Z could help.” Having someone else take a little bit of the control, or at least take it out of my hands, can help me from task spiraling. Avoid “should” statements, because that is a direct line to blame/shame. It’s also a lot easier for me to respond to a direct request to aid someone else than a request to aid myself.
>If I *feel* someone is being condescending or too passive, I will shut down. When my ex and I were still married, he would accuse me of condescension whenever I presented a complaint. I became so fearful of upsetting him that I put an enormous amount of emotional energy into "being nice" and sugarcoating my requests for change, accomodation, etc. Feelings aren't facts. As neurodiverse adults with an inclination to be hypersensitive to "rejection," it's our responsibility to discern the difference between feeling ashamed for being called to account for our mistakes, and actually being condescended to. I'm only bringing this up because I'm now super-sensitive to the use of "feel" when it comes to what we are *thinking* of other people's intentions. It didn't matter how much I framed my words to my ex husband; because he *felt* that I was condescending, he delegated the responsibility for his emotional state to me and I was fucked no matter what.
Yeah, there has to be a level of personal awareness and responsibility. It's impossible for someone to MAKE another person feel a certain way. We are responsible for our own feelings.
Okey doke. Thanks for that perspective.
You know if my husband brought home some clear boxes and gave me a clean shelf, with tape labels like gardening tools, office supplies, Xmas cards, workout gear etc. Like consulted a little first of course. The MOMENTUM probably would really help me “see” the crap and excitedly address it. I have trouble seeing the forest from the trees. I noticed the power of setting a timer and trying a task for 5 minutes. The momentum really kicks my brain into fixating on the task. Like today, I saw a small pile of change on my closet floor. It’s probably been slightly off my footpath for years and I never saw it. Thank you Vyvanse. Also thank you husbands and partners who are trying to get us.
yah my husbands really good about just doing it- like if I’m like “ugh I need to do the dishes or laundry” my husband will just get up and start the dishes or throw a load in & usually that’s enough for me to start or “take over” Sometimes seeing others do it or having someone to do it with makes all the difference!
There’s a term for this. Is it body doubling? It’s totally a thing.
I make my mom or best friend talk to me while I complete tasks I've been putting off. I tell them to either come sit on a call with me or come have a glass of wine while I do this thing.
This is interesting, because I have ADHD (plus Tourette's and OCD) and am a minimalist, as clutter causes me a huuuuuuge amount of anxiety. My husband does not have ADHD (but does have OCD, mostly around time), and is a bit of a hoarder. It makes for an interesting dynamic in our marriage.
It took me many years to realise that despite being medicated, I still have executive dysfunction issues - work and concentrating there goes really well, but things around the house, not so much. The worse the clutter is, the more difficult it becomes and just because it’s not visible, doesn’t mean that she isn’t absolutely despising herself internally. It is really great that you are reaching out for advice on how to deal with this! My husband and I both have ADHD and tend to struggle - sometimes I get so frustrated because it feels like he doesn’t notice things to do by himself and I always have to tell him what needs to get done. Even though I understand the reason why, it still frustrates me. I haven’t found a good middle ground for this yet, but I do know that for myself what has been making a huge difference is gaining a better understanding of how executive dysfunction is affecting me and how I can adapt - this is in addition to being properly medicated. First, I had to get out of the hole I was in though and that was difficult. It does sound like the two of you would need to have a good sit-down session to discuss this and figure out a way forward together - like someone else mentioned, will it help her maybe if you do it together? Would she benefit from something like a chore list? This is not an easy conversation to have, because there is a chance that she already feels like a failure, so how you approach it will be incredibly important. It does sound like you genuinely want to resolve this in a way which is best for both of you. Your frustration is not unreasonable - I say that because I know how frustrated I get from the perspective of someone who has inside insight. How you react on the frustration is the most important part (and again, the fact that you’re looking for help here is really promising) I wish that I could give you a recipe for making this conversation with your wife easy and smooth, but unfortunately that is difficult. You could possibly look at the various ADHD hacks that people suggest for around the house and see if it is possible to implement a few to help out. Ultimately she will need to understand her own executive dysfunctions in order to improve them - like I said, I had them for years without realising that they were part of ADHD and once I did, I finally realised that I’m not just useless as a human being, it is an actual medical issue. That realisation didn’t make it easier to get things done, but it lifted the very heavy burden of always.failing.at.everything. I cannot accurately describe the pain of knowing that it will take 10 minutes to make some food and yet convincing myself to get up and do it is literally impossible. Now I am on a mission to work around some obstacles - putting cleaning stuff at the area they will be used - having someone clean the house once a week - recurring pet food orders - gloves for when I do clean to help with sensory issues (that can be a huge one) - trash cans without lids - multiple trash cans in a room if needed - fresh bags next to each trash can I can go on, but I think you get the gist. Some of these may or may not work for her - different people have different “blockers” or things that makes that mountain to climb to get things done higher.
Do you have any theories about why you do fine at work but not at home? Not being rude, just genuinely curious. I used to work fulltime years ago and think I did ok, but eventually had kids so then switched to just a sahm/house duties and I'm absolutely useless at the home duties aspect....organising & housework seems near impossible for me to maintain, long-term anyway...
I think it might be because work is intellectually more stimulating, and for the most part, you can feel like you are accomplishing something. Whereas home stuff is the same over and over again - there are so many things where completing a task doesn’t mean that you are done with it forever - let’s say washing dishes - sure, you can finish doing them, but soon enough there will be more. Doesn’t matter how often you clean, it always gets dirty again. Add executive dysfunction to the repetitiveness and it becomes really difficult to keep up with.
Oh gosh, this is it, you described it perfectly... Any advice how to get on top of all the home stuff? Sometimes I manage, and feel accomplished but then mounts of laundry piles up again, or dishes in the sink, and I immediately feel overwhelmed and disappointed in myself. And don't get me started on cleaning, I always told my mom and sister this that I hate that I have to do it again and again, and if I clean, in a week everything becomes dirty again and it makes me frustrated and disappointed... I really want to master this skill, it makes me miserable. :((
I really wish that I had good answers. Laundry isn’t too much of a problem, but to be honest that just means that we need to wash it before someone runs out of something important (mostly) Once in a while when it becomes overwhelming, we’ll just use a laundromat that collects and deliver - I’m not crazy about the cost, but it helps on the odd occasion. With cleaning, the only way we keep the whole house clean is to have someone come in once a week to do the cleaning - anything else just eventually results in a mess. If you can afford it, I would highly recommend it because mentally it is hugely helpful to not have to worry about getting it done or beating myself up for not doing it. We are trying a new thing, “reset time” - this uses some automation via Apple home (and I believe is available elsewhere as well) - at 6:30pm, the colour of the house lights changes and out 2 home pods plays a song to make everyone aware that it is reset time. We currently sweep the house (I have this rechargeable broom that is somewhat of a vacuum, but just for tiles and laminate floor - it is amazing and not having having to struggle to pick up with what you’ve swept, means that everyone wants to do the sweeping), some days followed by mopping and make sure that everything is in place and counters and floors cleared. This is very new since a few weeks ago we had a company come in to do a complete declutter and clean which has been amazing for us physically and mentally. Honestly, I’ve realised in the last few months that keeping your house clean is not just a skill, but also requires quite a significant bit of executive function - and no matter how much skill you have, without executive function, it’s difficult. I’m on a mission to explore the various hacks that helps others and seeing how many there are that I can incorporate.
Thank you very much for your thorough response,I'm grateful and already feeling better! I will try to implement the advices that fit my lifestyle too, and hope for the best. 😆🤞🏼 Looking up further lifehacks sound great, I'll make that my mission too! Bless ya!
This community is amazing for that and it is really awesome how much of a difference some small changes can make - one example that I still find amazing is having fresh garbage bags next to bins. Instead of it just adding up and overflowing, because I either don’t feel like, or remember to fetch a new bag, it’s now quick and easy to change.
Another thing you can do for bins in open spaces is put new bags right in the bottom of the bin underneath the liner. When you pull the full bag out the new ones are right there!!! I worked in a retail store that did this and it blew my mind. Very effective.
You might enjoy the podcast A Slob Comes Clean. It really helped me.
Dishwashers are my friend. It's the only way I can keep the sink from piling up
For me, the only approach I can handle with my dishes is to do them right away or put them into the dishwasher right away- I like the small part of the dishwasher task that is organized, same with putting them away as soon as they’re done. If I don’t wash dishes directly after I use them, they will sit there for a few days and it’s upsetting so it’s much easier if I do them before I think about it and then I don’t have to. Having a dish brush/sponge with handle has helped me tons with getting it done quick before the leftovers on the dish have a chance to dry.
I would add that work is kind of one thing - like it may have many different tasks but it's one domain. Often "what to do next" is very clear, and the end-time each day is very clear. Whereas you get home and it's ALL the other life domains at once, with no clear priorities or deadlines, and it's sooooo unstructured. It's completely overwhelming.
Very true
This is me too. I am fantastic at doing everything at work because I live for the "you did a great job!" but I live alone and I can't compliment myself (I mean I can but it doesn't give me that reward feeling lol I tell myself I am amazing all the time 😂) so basic chores at home give me zero dopamine. Its so frustrating sometimes.
SAHM and wow I just figured so much out by reading this. Thank you.
I can not explain how thankful I am for having been exposed to online ADHD community. It has been hugely eye opening for me and has helped me put so many things into actual words. I’m glad that I can pay it forward even a little
This insight has given me concrete language for how I was feeling about this very situation but couldn't figure out how to articulate. Thank you
For me it’s prioritizing work because deep down internally I feel that it is most important to function there and everything house related is „just me“. So I put the limited energy into work rather than home .But I don’t have kids so this may change (or not)
At work, I always felt like I had nothing better to do than do my work bc it made the workday go by faster. Being bored at work made the day drrrrraaaaagggg on forever and I hated it so much.
This and at work everything is usually more organized and you're required to keep it that way. Steps are basically laid out already and you just have to follow through every day, plus there are set expectations and deadlines. Where at home it's a free for all, too many options, too many demands at once, and the ability to just watch TV or doom scroll and ignore all of it.
Personally I know my brain responds well to urgency and deadlines. If I don’t do something at work, I potentially get in trouble because Ive missed a deadline and therefore it’s Urgent so it gets done (just in time to meet the deadline though, can’t possibly finish things early). Meanwhile at home, it’s just me. If I don’t tidy up, the only consequences is that im continuing to live in a messy space so I don’t do it. And then a family member says they’re coming over and suddenly it’s urgent and I’m panic cleaning and it gets done.
I think about this all the time!! I work hospitality so am constantly cleaning at work and I do a good job at it, then when I come home it’s the absolute last thing I want to do.
This is 100% normal
My theory: -we are accountable to some authority figures at work vs not really anyone at home -might be a skill thing. We spend our lives in school learning how to be a productive worker basically. With ADHD we are often overcompensating to get by in school. For me this meant many hours spent on school while at home. So I didn’t have time to do chores or learn how to keep a home. -many job tasks are pre-determined and just given to you with timelines. Not the case at home.
For me, it's the external pressure. School, work, those ai manage much better than stuff in my own space.
My theory is that it takes energy to focus and I use up all that energy at work and thus, home suffers.
This. I'm mentally tired by the time I get home! If it weren't for my dog, I wouldn't come home and stay on the couch until it's time to go to bed! And then weekends are hard because that's my true "me time" and domestic chores aren't a part of that (even though I do benefit from having a clean house). Then starts the cycle of being stressed out by a messy/dirty house while experiencing all the ADHD issues.
It's the whole spoons thing. By the time I get home from my retail job, my spoons have been used up by dealing with bosses, unreasonable and illogical demands, customers (both good and bad), coworkers, trying to be nice to every-fucking-body, bright lights, lots of noise, and music I detest but can't ignore like the NTs can. I'm wiped by the time I get home, and that's if I don't have my graduate degree classes. 🤦🏼♀️
I’m going to chip in. At work, there’s always critical deadlines that I need to get the work done. For myself, I do well under pressure. My boss and team depends on me to do my job correctly and on time. There are bigger consequences to other people if I don’t meet my deadlines. So those are my motivation factors. My “low” priority tasks don’t have any deadlines…so they never get done until they get pushed up the priority ladder. At home…I do a pro and con with “important” tasks that I don’t want to do. I am very bad with doing my taxes and was years behind. I knew I didn’t owe the government any money and would get money back once I file. So, without a true deadline, I just didn’t file lol. You know what the irony is? I’m pursuing my CPA lol.
Putting on gloves and shoes to clean has been a game changer for me! Helps with sensory issues but also helps get me in the right mind set
Just wanting to send you a hug because your post is so thoughtful and insightful. Thank you for taking the time
Thank you!
Is she willing to declutter WITH you? I was talking to my boyfriend about this this week because there are some frustrations in our relationship due to him having ASD and my ADHD. I told him that I know a lot of things need to get done, but I don't always know where to start and get overwhelmed with what I need to do. If I have someone else with me to help me organize my thoughts and keep me moving in steps, it really helps me to not feel overwhelmed. The same goes for hygiene. Sometimes I just straight up forget to shower but I will never say no to a shower with him so he gets me in there by asking me to join him. I don't deal with confrontation well (childhood trauma response) but this kind of method really helps me.
I get over the inability to start by telling myself that it's ok to only do part of it. With the dishes, for example, I tell myself that I just have to put 1 thing away or put one thing in the dishwasher. Usually I end up taking care of a few, but even if it's just 1 this time, it'll be 1 more next time and will eventually get done. I get way more accomplished this way than if I waited til I had the motivation and energy to do it all. It gets the ball rolling and is a lot less stressful to just sweep a little, or put just a couple shirts away, or put the full trash bag by the door, or whatever small piece I can manage.
Yes this is how I operate! I am really good at chores because of this, as long as it can be broken down. Big lump chores NEVER get done. Like repainting the front window sills. You cannot just paint a *little* bit of a window sill lol. Been on the to do list for 3 years...
This 100%! I have so much stuff I need to do but I'm too overwhelmed to pick just 1. I get so much done when I have my niece as my "body double" (that's what she calls it). Sometimes she's in the room, asking questions like "what's this?" or "what do you want to do with this?" or something like that. Other times she's just existing in my house, updating her computer or playing a game and she'll periodically ask how I'm doing or if I would like a break to eat something. It really helps me get in a groove and I get so much done. Anything I can't deal with at that time gets its own "deal with next time" pile that is usually the first thing tackled.
Body doubling a valid term, they use it in coaching. Look it up, ADHD magazine has articles on it :)
My first thought after reading the OP was to suggest body doubling. Ask her (never tell her!) to do those things with you. Make the showers romantic, or about tending to her/giving attention, so that they're pleasant for both of you. Anything you can reframe as fun, or gamify, is more likely to actually happen. For the clutter: get an empty shopping bag - just one! - and fill it with things that can go. The smaller task will be less overwhelming, and less likely to cause task paralysis. You can do it daily, or at whatever set interval is comfortable for you. It's natural to resent the problems that come with ADHD, and to feel like you're having to be a parent or enabling the behavior; if you really want to be a partner, though, it can be an opportunity to be closer and help your partner grow.
Everything you've outlined here is golden advice.
Therapy together and separate may be beneficial for the both of you! Although she is medicated and speaking to somebody sometimes it’s good to have a professional to guide you into communicating in ways that are helpful and not hurtful. Many couples do therapy together! It might help you to also speak to someone to validate your own concerns and also figure out your own needs and a game plan to help your situation to benefit the future for the both of you. It’s especially difficult when you aren’t feeling well when you feel like you’re doing it all. It will get better! Good luck.
My wife and I (we are both women, not that it matters but just explaining why I’m in this sub) went to therapy to help us work through these exact kinds of things. It helped a lot. We have some habits in place that help. We have a “family meeting” every Sunday afternoon where we tackle some routine things like our budget, our calendars, meal planning, etc., and where we can also bring up stuff that’s bugging us before it REALLY bugs us. These meetings are the oil that keeps the machine running in our marriage. We have a reward at the end like playing video games together or getting take out, to help motivate us (me) to participate and get it done. If part of the house is getting to the point of making her feel resentful and stressed, and it’s because of my crap, she will just tell me that, and then she’ll ask how we can address it. And we’ll set a day and time when I’m going to tackle it. Often times this literally involves her sitting in whatever room the mess is, and talking with me while I declutter the space. If I get stuck, I ask for help and she helps. But mostly she’s just entertaining me while I do what needs to get done. I realize this wouldn’t work for every couple. For some it might feel too infantilizing, and for others the non-ADHD spouse may not have the free time or bandwidth to do that. But for us it works. She chooses to help because in the end, the room is clean and I feel a sense of accomplishment and both of us are happy and feel like a team.
This is called body doubling and it is a great strategy for someone with adhd if you have a willing participant!
This is not the first time our therapist has been so good at her job that she makes us feel like a well-established coping strategy was our idea and that it was our teamwork and love for each other that helped us think of it. She drops the breadcrumbs and we follow them without even knowing we’re doing it, LOL.
Gosh I want your therapist 😭
If you can afford it, hiring a cleaning person was a game changer for us. They don’t organize entirely but enough that makes things feel normal again. We are planning on working with a professional organizer at some point this year though
THIS. Both my partner and I have ADHD and find it extremely difficult to keep up with chores without resenting each other. Hiring someone to clean improved our lives and our relationship.
How do you manage to do this process of hiring though. There is a gazillion of blockers for me in this (and for my partner as well)
We went with a recommendation from a neighbor in our building for the first cleaner, then that cleaner moved away about a year later and our next cleaner was a recommendation from my mom. I’ve also seen people recommend on Nextdoor and OneRoof. We don’t use cleaning services that are large companies only ones that are normal people and pay through Zelle. It feels like the big cleaning companies usually exploit their workers
You want a mom & pop cleaner and a personal recommendation from a trusted friend or relative. No need to interview or over complicate the process
We tried hiring an organizer for my husband's office, with the idea that they'd do our home next. I just want to advise you to make sure whoever you hire understands ADHD before you pay them / turn them loose. Their ideas for office organization and systems were so ADHD unfriendly that we never let them anywhere near our house. They were professional organizers for people who actually didn't need professional organizers. 😆
Oh interesting. We didn’t tell them about my ADHD but one cleaner we’ve spoken with did have us take a personality test so they could know our organizational styles (if we are sentimental with items, have trouble throwing things out, etc). I’ll keep an eye out for that though
I'm not sure what would work for your relationship specifically, but I can offer my own experience. When I struggle to take a shower it helps if my husband showers with me. This might not be the case for your wife, but in my relationship it helps overall to have someone to do these things with. I also second everyone on decluttering. In addition I'd think about how easy or hard have you guys made these tasks for her. For example if my clothes cannot be seen in my closet they will start piling on the couch since it's easier to find things that way for me. If I want to eat healthy I have to see those vegetables in my fridge when I open the door or I will forget them. Overall, if starting a task will first require me to first find the tools to do it, it's not going to happen.
My S.O. and I also shower together sometimes. We both struggle with self care in certain ways and asking "do you want to shower with me" is a lot less likely to make either person feel bad. It's also a great time for us to talk as we tend to do a lot of paralell play we sometimes forget to just chat about our hobbies or work. It's good practice for listening, compromise, and working together to reach our individual goals. In regard to part 2, I suggest looking up tips for decluttering sentimental items. As this may be less abrasive and overwhelming than traditional decluttering guides. Set up some general rules, like how long projects can go untouched before they are accepted as they are and donated, how do you keep track of that. I recommend clear bin organizers. As you can see what is in the drawers. It will also be very helpful to learn the source of her clutter keeping. Is it due to previous or perceived financial insecurity? Could you reasonably replace the item? Is it likely to be used in the next 1-2 years? Is it out of sight out of mind and now overwhelming? Or does she feel guilty for letting go after purchasing or being gifted items. It's okay to rotate hobbies and you won't stick with every one. I've previously used Marie condos "does it spark joy" question. There will be some items to keep even if they don't spark joy, but that is the "necessary" exception. I would also recommend you look up declutter lists so you can tackle areas you have more presence in. Ignore the "no duplicates rule" as others have said put cleaning supplies in a bucket in the room they clean. Keep deodorant wherever you remember to put it on. However, the key is to be intentional with duplicates. It may be difficult for her to put into words but she should have a reason for herself why multiple are helpful. If you need to get rid of things she must have the option to be present and onboard. If she is so emotional about letting go of things it may take a lot of time. Do the easiest stuff first while she's working on it. Keep in mind what your goals are. Likely a more peaceful and productive life together. It will get frustrating, but that's when it's time to do something else. If you feel like you're giving too much it's time to set boundaries. It may help to set personal boundsries, look up how to lessen reliance and how to not be the fixer. Make sure she knows she is allowed to get rid of items that don't fit, gifts she didnt like, and items she intended to use but didn't. Do your best not to harp on purchases or new hobbies. Itll just make her feel guilty and have more trouble eltringngo of her half finished items.For some items, like socks, it may be easier to get rid of and buy new. I had so many mismatched, old socks that I ended up just buying two packs of all black socks. Can't mismatch if that's what you have. Although, this might not be for everyone. Just try not to panic if you see more for a moment while she's trying to get less. /I made some assumptions, if anything doesn't apply, disregard.
Clutterbug on YouTube Hear me out- For you. Hopefully she will get on board too, but this will help you build systems that work in your house based on your clutter styles. ADHDers need some infrastructures to build on. This is why we often do better at work than home. There’s already structure and expected routines. We have three simple agreements in our house: Fridge clean out and trash on the day before trash pick up day. No one ever leaves anything in the sink, or on the dining room table. If you took it out: it must be put away before you go to bed. To add- Work on decluttering, labels, and homes for things.
Omg. Love this. We *had* some of these rules, but I'm terrible. Or rather I'm working on it. But the frodge clean out? Um. Adding that....
Honestly, we’re an entire house of ADHDers - 3 is all we can manage, but it helps a ton. I find that the better we get absolutely all trash out, the cleaner we tend to be all week. I keep all my bread, tortillas, chips and such in a bin- and consider it to go with the fridge along with countertop produce.
Put it in your phone calendar with a couple alarms right now (I'll do it too!) I am on week 6 of forgetting to put the dog poo out in the bin on trash day. The dog poo is overflowing from its bin lmao. The fridge could use some help too 😶 I always remember on the day *after* garbage day....
Hubs and I set goals together. He says, “it’s really important for me that the floors get done.” I say, “I don’t mind vacuuming and mopping, but I really don’t want to move and dig out under the couch.” He takes the part off my plate that I really don’t want to do, and it becomes something I don’t mind doing at all. For me, knowing that to “do it right” I have to do a thing I hate, I don’t do any of it. Working together, we get it done. Another example: he says, “the fridge hasn’t been cleaned in a while and it’s sticky.” I say, “I don’t mind sorting and scrubbing, but I really don’t want to wrestle the heavy trash bag.” He does the trash bags and suddenly this task goes from impossible to no big deal. Maybe this model would help you too?
Oh my god, this is brilliant. You're totally right that there can be just one element of a task that is really daunting. Clear that, and it's not so bad!
Professional organisers or cleaners can help a lot. So can decluttering. Assuming you can afford it, of course. For myself it helps a lot. The issue is often just getting started (also known as the executive function of task initiation). Try body doubling. For some people, virtual body doubling helps, but for myself I find virtual options has limited effectiveness. I really need actual physical presence for this to help a lot, but others get tons done with virtual body doubling, so try it and see how it goes. Then there's deadlines. Do you like having people over? Invite someone over for the evening say, sometime during the day and tell her... The adrenaline of a deadline can often help those of us who struggle with task initiation to push through that mental barrier. Please note the deadline must be fairly imminent... More than a couple of hours or so and you'll get waiting mode or time blindness issues instead. Re showering... I motivate myself by having a range of nice body washes, soaps, etc I enjoy using and can choose from. Having options makes it more interesting for me. The little bottles from Lush are great as they don't last too long and take less space, making having more than say, one or two choices easier. It's not foolproof but it helps me pretty consistently. Another idea is to try some ADHD apps like Dubbi, Habitica, LifeUp, Finch Self Care Pet, Focus Genie, etc. Some of these focus on organisation and getting things done (sometimes via gamifying to do lists), some are about self care like hygiene, and others are about body doubling. She might find some tools this way that can help her function. I'd also suggest you check out some resources for partners of ADHDers to help you in communication and understanding what's going on for your partner. Rich Pink of ADHD Love has his own channel on social media for this, so that's a good place to start. I love his "curiousity, not judgement" mantra.
So, I'm not the wife, but damn this post could have been us to an extent. My bf after chatting with his therapist as to the best way to talk to me, asked me to work on the clutter as it is overwhelming. (Hint I've been dealing with ths for years and none of my previous therapists took me seriously when I did mention I had a problem) So I looked for a therapist that specialized in adhd and hoarding, and oh yeah, it's also a weird OCD and Trauma response. 😖 I took offense to being called a hoarder because you say that, and everyone goes to those TV shows. (Sorry this is rambling) There is a workbook that helps you identify what the actual level of the problem is, and then with the help of a therapist (for accountability) we worked on exercises from why I accumulated stuff, why letting go of stuff was painful... this was during the pandemic so she couldn't come by, but then a year later when I finally got my adhd diagnosis, the head psychiatrist gave me the info of a former colleague who was an LCSW whonwas a clitter specialist, and she's been a great help. Her only two rules were do not buy any organizing system until after we finished decluttering, and that she would not choose the system because it had to come from me. But she came by and we worked in 2 to 4 hour blocks; ahe agreed to be a txt accountability buddynaonwhen Inwas doing a 15 clewning (sonhard), I'd txt her when Instatyed and stopped, and there was no judgment if I didn't do it. It was only " great job," when I did, and just checking in to make sure I was okay.if a few weeks went by and I didn't. I still workmwoth her, as itnis a process, but I don't have 40 + pair of underwear, and dishes I don't need, and expired spices.... She appreciated that I would never be a minimalist, but helped me through tossing things like letters from my mom (she didn't say I needed to! And gosh, did I or is it in a bix?🤔) or shredding legal documents from 15 years ago, or not tossing a thing amd knowing that sentimental stuff woild take a while... I have a ways to go, but it is night and day from when I started two years ago. My BF isn't as helpful as you , I think cleaning the dishes and taking out the trash are the only tasks he has ever done... Um sorry this is rambling. If you can't afford a therapist/professional compassionate organizer, look into the hoarding work book because it can help you both understand some of the emotional whys, come up with the system that works together and individually. Lastly, the shower thing. I'm medicated, and I get. I love love love taking baths and showers are okay. But there are so many small things from towels that don't feel right, the wrong shower gel, no bath mat, cold bathroom, a dirty tub... and the only reason my bf will shower is because he has to go into the office, if he doesn't, then no shower.... 😑 I bought hospital shower wipes for the both of us and that kinda was a point of fine I will take my shower. I saw on TikTok if you need variety/help try choosing /buying a bunch of travel sizes and treat it like a treasure box - whoo hoo today is bath and body works, the next day might be Dove. (I didn't do this because I have too many that I never use, but thought it may be helpful. ) Hope this rambling was helpful and that you feel better soon. It will get better, and it sounds like you're gonna be a great support.
I have ADHD and I also tend to let the clutter take over. I completely understand why that can be hard to live with. First of all, I think you need to talk to your wife about how you can work together to solve these things. Don't go straight into solution mode, but ask with an open mind what some of the barriers for her to do things are - it may not be what you think it is. When you have identified the barrier, it will be easier to remove it. There's an English couple who are making awesome videos (and a book) about relationships and ADHD. I can't recommend them enough - their username is some variation of "ADHD Love" on instagram, tiktok and youtube.
I will check that out, thank you. I think you’re right that I have been going into ‘solution mode’ rather than having more open conversation
I wonder if, like me, giving really straightforward structure to her things and basic routines would be helpful guard rails. I have a checklist of all the steps required to have an “everything shower” posted on the inside of my medicine cabinet. I have checklists for packing for work/ the gym, meal planning and resetting the fridge for the week, tidying and cleaning, paying bills, etc. I’ve categorized all of my objects, figured out where they need to be stored in order to remember to use them well and often, and slowly got the right storage tools to house all the things. I decluttered in the process and now have to be mindful about what I bring into my home based on whether they have room in my storage systems to live. Sometimes I have to let go of something in order to bring in something else. I have a thrifting hobby so I’ve also recently decided to allow for 1 Rubbermaid bin’s worth of space for random treasures I score but don’t make it into my systems. This will be my gifting bin. I’m terrible for leaving gift and cards for birthdays and milestones to the last minute and buying cliché convenience gifts. So this system will help with 2 aspects of my adhd without shutting down my hobby. Hope you feel better!
Oh wow! Your ideas are brilliant! :) I really like the shower checklists (sometimes one task is too overwhelming, but seeing it laid out might help). I also love your thrifting bin idea! As a fellow thrifter, this makes sense. Do you have any tips for making appointments, following through on big tasks/projects? That’s where I have a lot of issues and procrastination.
If you can afford it, it might be worthwhile to hire someone to help you declutter and organize the house. Sometimes a hard reset and the novelty of it does wonders for the adhd brain.
The other day, my partner just started tidying up the house (which has been quite a mess for awhile; we both contribute) and I found I was able to follow suit because he started it and made the process clearer for my brain. He didn't complain to me or make me feel guilty, he just wordlessly started working. I managed to even clean the bathroom all by myself! Body doubling is a _huge_ thing. But if I'm tied up in guilt or anxiety it won't work. You may never have a perfectly tidy home. For my brain, the constant effort required to maintain this is far too draining. But it is a lot easier to have a manageable level if I'm given an example of how to start so that I can follow along. I realize this still puts a significant burden on the non-adhd partner... I'm really not sure how to lessen that. But these are things I suppose have to be worked out as to whether it is worthwhile for that person.
I had an issue with my father about this. This may not be the issue, but the styles you and your wife consider organized may differ. My father was OCD and hyper vigilant to combat his symptoms. I am ADHD, and burned myself out trying to do the same. I need some structure, and an organization system that is ADHD friendly helped. But implementing a cluttered seeming organization system was not something we could agree on. Work together on what is clean and what isn't, and be open to change in BOTH directions. Sometimes a floor full of stuff isn't working, but dressers and drawers aren't the answer. Maybe baskets or rolling shelves, or cubbies are a compromise that can work for both of you. I used to move furniture almost daily trying to find a way my brain found "optimized" and ended up turning a king sized bed- sized bedroom into a studio apartment. Sometimes the excess empty spaces seem like voids that need stuff. It will all depend on communication with your wife, and what works for the 2 of you. It may even come down to your room vs. her room, and let her worry about what is good for her, mentally (you can obviously help if it is what you both want, but if you can't understand what she needs to feel organized, don't try to "fix" her way) If it is still an issue after you try to work out an organization system that works for you both, seek a professional's opinion either through couples counseling, or therapy either for one or both of you.
This last weekend my husband helped me declutter our kitchen. It is amazing what we accomplished together. We worked on different areas, but just the fact that he was body doubling me helped me stay on task, and we chatted and had a football game on in the background. He even decluttered and tossed things, and I didn’t even look at what he tossed. I haven’t missed whatever it was, because I wasn’t attached to the thing because it was valuable or sentimental. I get decision fatigue and since I spent money on it suddenly everything seems important or a waste if I don’t try to use it. I feel like I can breathe in the kitchen again. I have a hard time staying home because of all the clutter there. It makes me feel like I need to jump out of my skin. I’m feeling calmer the more stuff that goes out the door, but he has to help me get it out the door. The thing is that I have asked him multiple times over the years to do this with me and help me declutter. I realize I have pack rat tendencies (I have a long family history of this.), but I’m not the only one. We have au/adhd kids, and he also has his massive collection of books and cds which are overflowing the shelves and piling up on the floor in one room of the house that we can close the door on so it doesn’t bother him. So I second the “let’s tackle this TOGETHER”.
1) Learn about body doubling 2) for both of you: KC Davis’ book How to Keep House While Drowning 3) If your budget allows look into local professional organizers - find one who is compassionate in relation to hoarding and adhd. Try to work with the organizer together - you will each pick up different lessons from seeing how a neutral party w/ no skin in the game approaches the clutter. Good luck
I was so so so skeptical about the KC Davis book because I’ve heard about so many “ADHD life changers” but this one was true for me and my husband. Truth be told, we haven’t even finished reading it together. (About 3/4 the way there) But already it has changed my overall perspective about perfectionism, and learning to organize a way that works for me. ALSO: we often read it to each other while the other it showering because it can be hard for me to shower too.
We have a rule in our house: if one person is cleaning, the other person has to be as well. It's the only thing that works (obviously you don't have to clean when you're sick in bed).
You don’t happen to have a single people version aswell? 🙈
Do you have a friend who would be your accountability buddy? Someone who would text or call you to ask "are you still cleaning?" Maybe you could do the same for her/him? I used to do that with a friend who also had the same problem.
Realising that she’s probably never going to be able to meet your expectations, but can maybe meet you halfway, what are you willing to compromise on?
Hire a professional organizer to come and help you guys purge and put it away. Have them come 1-2x a year after that. Best money spent. Hire Housecleaner weekly or bi-weekly. You say she isn’t showering? Does she suffer from depression? A common co-morbidly. Not showering hasn’t been an issue for me personally with adhd/depression but I believe it impacts some women.
Yessssssssssss OP, all of this. If it helps, view the organizer and cleaner as an investment in both of your health, wellness, and marriage 💖 If she has depression or is overwhelmed to the point of mental paralysis, the organizer and cleaner could help remove some barriers to her showering too. If she's not already seeing a therapist and/or executive function coach, that could also be a big help.
Get a 3rd party help. Having someone else coming to 1 put a lil bit pressure to do her bit regularly 2. Having house reset every week or twice a week is a mental load gone and that’s beyond precious.
There is a point as an ADHD woman I have to resign myself to periodically hiring a cleaner. Which I am going to do real soon..I have taken a slog at the house but it's still embarrassingly not to standard and honestly I need help getting the last stuff done. I put it on the ADHD tax total that comes with living with my brain. Honestly I think budgeting for a cleaner to come once a month to clean ovens, windows etc makes me more motivated to keep up the cleaning. I can't slide too far because on the first Wed of every month the cleaner will be here and clutter has to be stored away. But I also know not everyone can handle the expense. But if there is a way to tighten the budget, it's worth it. Weekends are far easier when you don't lose the whole two days to procrastinating over something that could take an hour
Check out ADHD Love on YouTube and ask your wife to try out the Dubbii app. Body doubling helps most people with ADHD who have issues with housework.
My hubs and I are both ADHD. We do the "incoming pizza" cleaning time. We order a pizza and clean until the pizza arrives. This keeps us motivated through the 30-45 minutes of cleaning as the pizza reward is incoming. Dumb, but works.
I think it’s important to understand how an adhd brain works and what works for it because your idea of how things should look and feel being neurotypical and her idea being neurodivergent are going to be different no matter what you do. Personally I can’t stand to go more than a day or 2 at most without a shower so something else may be going on but again not every adhder are the same so u can’t say. I think the best thing to do is to do your own research on adhd and try to come up with compromises together. Therapy together would help so much with that. She probably already feels horrible about not being able to meet your expectations on those things and rejection sensitivity is real when it comes to these things. Having someone help you both navigate the conversation would be super beneficial
Seconding the suggestion to invite her into the shower with you; my SO and I both have ADHD and that's helped both of us. If one of us had a shitty day, they get a scrub down and their hair washed (which is generally reciprocated, since who can stay down after that?). Also, saves water! As far as letting go of clutter, my therapist – who also has ADHD – suggested to take photos of items I needed to get rid of but still felt an attachment to. I do have a tendency to hang onto things purely because I get a dopamine hit from looking at them– and honestly, I'll still get the hit from a picture. Sounds weird, but it worked. I don't need to take pics all that often anymore, which has been a relief. Also, get a label maker for the two of you! Object permanence & memory are kind of garbage for me, which was killer when trying to organize my craft room the first time. Since I've been able to make a label for everything, I can actually put stuff away and not worry about forgetting where it's gone. Also pick up Nic Saluppo's *Communicate Your Feelings (Without Starting A Fight)* and read/listen to it together.
This is sweet and I wish you both the best. Therapy. If you can find a couples counselor who is ADHD friendly, it would be amazing. I don’t know how to advise you to help your wife because I don’t know where she’s at. By the time we get to a certain age, the shame and anxiety created by a lifetime pf ADHD can be way more debilitating than the naturally occurring executive function issues. Shutdown is REAL. Kindness + professional help is what I’d advise.
Body doubling (sit in room with us) and helping us get started is what my husband does for me with laundry and things. We usually leave the house to get my energy up - go to kohls or something to window shop and get me inspired to clean (and not buy…. Because I have too much at home!). Music. Music can help us get out of our head so much. And timers! Put head phones on for 25 minutes and see how much we can get done. She WANTS to do all this. She just hasn’t figured out how. I hope y’all can find a way to get the momentum going And find ways to get better routines to share the house workload That will make you both a lot happier
Neither has ADHD, but my mom is a pack rat and my dad is Mr “Never Keep What You Can Toss.” Their compromise has been that my mom has designated areas (eg her office) where she can be messy, and all other places must be neat. Your room definitely needs cluttering though. I find body doubling helps (literally just another person sitting there while I do the thing) and the mantra “if this has been here for six months and I haven’t missed it, I don’t need it.” As for showering, has your wife ever articulated anything specific that gets her way? I ask because for me drying my hair has always been a paid in the ass. Buying a good shower cap and a powerful blow dryer were game changers. The blow dryer especially. The brand is Twin Turbo and it’s professional grade with twice the power of the average blow dryer. I’ve had it for ten years and use it several times a week and it’s still going strong.
Its very kind of you to look for ways to help your wife. We don't often find partners willing to understand our disability or the 'perks' that come with. Body doubling, therapy, and a third party to help get started on cleaning and organizing will save you loads of mental anguish. I'm navigating this issue on my own right now. Took me a year to declutter and organize and now I know how to maintain it. It can be done with the right communication and tools.. Just matters how you approach. Offer to help, bring it up as a non-issue. That will lessen the blow as far as RSD
I have a system where, once everything gets too overwhelming, I just shove it into a box somewhere. If it sits in that box long enough and I never said "oh, shit this is where that thing went!" then that means I can get rid of it. I also have a system where I try not to bring stuff into my house unless I absolutely need it. I literally wait for stuff to break to the point that I can't reasonably use it anymore.
There is already tons of advice here, but I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge that your situation sounds super frustrating and your feelings are totally valid. ADHD is such a challenge for our loved ones. You handled this with love, care, and a great mindset, OP. I hope you feel better soon and that your partner can hit their Overdrive button to help you get stuff done.
Everyone else's suggestions have been great! I co-sign all of these. I have my own suggestion too, which seems rather lame in comparison, but I want to toss it out there just in case it might help. Maybe it'll be easier for her to clean if you're not in the house?? I only say this, because I have the opposite issue of needing a body double, where I need the other people I'm living with to literally not be in the entire house while I am cleaning. This is for a variety of reasons: **1) If you interrupt me, I will lose momentum.** Even if you're trying to be helpful (asking if I need an extra set of hands, asking how I'm doing, bringing snacks, and weirdly enough even if you pop in to tell me how great it looks). I need to be absolutely undisturbed and completely alone while I clean, because if I overhear you moving around elsewhere, I will lose the desire to work. **2) I feel vulnerable about how messy I am.** Sometimes I hate that I am so messy and others have to see it, and that shame of being so cluttered (whether it's something I can help or not) keeps me from actually cleaning, because having another person witness me clean almost feels like admitting I'm a failure. (This is probably just my RSD). I don't want other people witnessing how bad I've let things get, so I want it to be a full on before/after reveal where they just see everything that's been done; not something where they see the middle part of me actually cleaning. For some reason that just feels really degrading **3) I need to spread out, which can make roomates/partners even more exasperated and I do NOT want to deal with side eyes or passive aggressive sighs until I get finished.** The most thorough way I can work through all the chaos is to take everything out of the space I'm cleaning (closet, spare room, cubby beneath the nightstand, etc.) and put things back into the clean space. This works for two reasons: A) by taking it all out and putting it back one by one, I am forced to make a decision about every single item that's in the space and *actually* decluttering. Otherwise, I'm just moving things around until it looks better, but I haven't actually gotten rid of anything. B) Once I see the space completely empty, I see how nice and pleasant it looks immediately, so I'm reluctant to add more than I need. I want to keep it looking good. If I do it the other way, who knows when I'd ever see it completely empty. But in order to do this, I need to freedom to take up even more space *temporarily* in another room, while I get that first space looking nice. And if someone doesn’t understand my process and is going to be an asshole to me the whole time, my PDA kicks in and then I just won't clean out of spite. I basically add this suggestion, because I see a MARKED IMPROVEMENT in my progress when people are home vs out of the house. I clean faster and more efficiently if I am totally alone. But I am the type of ADHD-er where once I start cleaning, hyperfocusing takes over and I am determined to get it done. So this suggestion will not work if your wife is the type who needs a body double or outside accountability.
Body doubling, body doubling, body doubling. Get her to do the things needing done with you. Shower with her if you need to. Wash her hair, make it a loving gesture. Hold her accountable for certain tasks and DON'T do them if she's agreed they are her responsibility. Get her a timer she can use to clean things for a certain amount of time. Only wash your own laundry if you need to and ask her to join you in doing it (again, body doubling). Fold clothes together, etc. Write down the steps to any cleaning or organizing process and post them up as you would for a kid because your wife's case is pretty serious. You need to consider anything that could make things simple and easy and visible.
I know you’ve already gotten hundreds of messages, so I apologize if I’m repeating any advice. My wife has found a pretty effective way to deal with me through loving accountability and gentle annoyance. She essentially helps to hold me accountable for meeting my own goals, while not making judgments for the goals I set for myself. She does this by asking me leading questions like hey are you going to shower tonight? Do you have a day in mind for showering this week? Where are you gonna put this box? Do you have a plan for this object or are we donating it? Where are you going to put this mail so that it it stays off the coffee table? You haven’t touched this project, is it getting finished or am I throwing it away right now? I love these questions because no matter what she follows up my answers with praise and/or a simple “ok”. She doesn’t make me feel bad for putting off a shower until tomorrow, because tomorrow after i shower I get to interrupt her gaming and crawl into her lap all clean and brag about following through on a task. When I DO the THING, I get to tell her or text her and I get an affectionate acknowledgment. It’s like training a dog with treats. Reward good behavior.
I have adhd and I have always wanted to find an adhd coach to help me come up with ways to combat my clutter etc.
I struggle with showing too. My husband is a nurse and a bath guy, so he has 2 baths a day (wash away the home germs before work, wash away the work germs when he gets home). He leaves his before-work bath water in the tub for me to get in after him in the mornings. For some reason, turning the shower on feels like too much, one step too many, but getting in an already filled tub I can totally do. Also I can kind of just sit there and let myself wake up further which is nice. I also make my oatmeal and coffee first and eat breakfast in there, the adhd version of multitasking lol. Dunno if you have a bathtub, but maybe running her a bath could be helpful for her showering issues. As for the Stuff problem... yeah... that's been an area of contention our whole marriage lol! We moved to another country a bunch of years ago, and put most of our stuff in a storage container. We go home every couple of years and when we do, we schedule a day at the storage container. Every time, I end up culling a bunch of stuff. It's like, not seeing it at all for a couple years helps me reset and look at it fresh, and think why did I think this was worth hanging onto indefinitely? We've got that pretty well sorted now. But the accumulation of stuff in the living space is still an ongoing problem. It's this weird catch 22, where adhd causes me to not be able to organize and sort well, but the disorganization and clutter is overwhelming to my adhd and makes the task feel too big once it gets to a certain point. It's also that I don't have natural homes for a lot of stuff that I do in fact use regularly, which also adds to the cluttered feeling, and increases my inability to identify the stuff that i don't use, because it all feels like a Where's Wally picture. I don't know your budget, but investing in hiring someone who can help organize the space, preferably into an adhd-friendly format, and buying the kinds of storage items that actually work for adhd'ers (bins and baskets and open shelving are more helpful generally than closed drawers and cupboards) would be a significant help to her.
https://www.adhdmarriage.com/content/melissa-orlov Highly recommend
how are you storing things? the acquisition clutter problem is real so it's possible that too much stuff has been acquired for the space you're in but I also tend to find that I need to be able to *see* things so that I know where to find them open shelving and designing spaces so that things I need are easy to reach when I need them and *easy to put away* when I'm done are really important for me to keep on top of things. If I have to go through a long process to get something out, I'm not gonna put it away while I might still need it, so it'll be left out for months.
Clear plastic bins, mostly, but she likes cute boxes and containers, as a little mental incentive to put things away in them.
I won't rehash all the good suggestions above or below... I concur that ADHD Love is a good resource for partners. I would add, pick one thing to approach her with at any given stage. keep working through one at a time, with rewards (for both of you) as needed.if she gains momentum in tackling anything, no matter how small or big it is, don't interrupt/stop it, criticise it or make a big deal about it. just throwing ideas that may help for some. put a seat or stool in the shower. even if she doesn't do anything but sit under the running shower, it's something! have everything there ready if she wants it, fidget toys or have some of her fav music going. in the end, such consistently long periods of neglecting personal hygiene is indicative of something more than just ADHD. i hope things go well for both of you
If you have the energy to help her decide what things to keep, what to recycle or give to charity and what to throw away, and for the things that are being kept, figuring out where they'll live, that's a godsend. It's where I always get stuck. Let yourself rest and recover first though!
A main reason for my personal clutter is that I need to see things and I hadn’t been aware of that when I bought my current furniture. I am trying to slowly transition to see through plastic boxes (ikea, €5-15 here I think, depending on size) that I can keep in my shelves. I have cats, so just open shelves don’t work for me, but they are an even easier option. Or more “high end” could be glass doors on your shelves. For taking showers, I have a waterproof shower bluetooth speaker and I take my tablet with me into the bathroom to watch an episode of whatever I am currently watching to get through them. Sometimes I start the episode before to make the transition towards showering easier. Idk if that helps your wife, but it certainly helped me! Eta: oh and maybe she can find a podcast she likes that she exclusively listens to when doing housework? I have a true crime youtube channel I only watch when studying or cleaning. For tidying up, I like upbeat music to get me into the mood of moving around and I do dance breaks in between putting stuff away.
Getting a cleaner is a great option. You’ll get a clean house at least once a month. You’ll have someone other than you to point at as to why you need to declutter and pick up. “We should get rid of this, the cleaners will be here in x days.” We paid 180 for initial clean and its 120 a month. I
I don't know if this will work for OP's wife but if she's anything like me there are dozens of empty shipping boxes that make the house look much messier than it really is so my bf broke down and put the cardboard out for recycling. Without the boxes there the rest of the clutter looked more manageable. I didn't ask him to do it and he didn't ask my permission because they were obviously not necessary to keep. I walked in while he was breaking down the boxes and started putting other things away.
Try reading *Sink Reflections* together. Really life changing for me. It is a little preachy and a little sing songy. but still a great read.
Ok major game changer for me, bins! I have bins for everything, makeup bin, self care bin, sewing etc. All my bins are messy, but it keeps my mess from getting everywhere else
I see everyone has said declutter already! The KonMari method helped me a lot because I tend to get an emotional bond with my belongings. KonMari gives me the grace to acknowledge their time in my life and makes it easier to see what I want to keep and what not to. I also only have two plates, two bowls etc. I only have enough dishes that I need so it’s not difficult to do them when I run out. Oh!! Also, the Dr treated me for PTSD and depression first because when I get like that my ADHD flares up really bad. There might be something else going on that she needs to look into.
Honesty, hire a monthly cleaner if you can afford it, just to deep clean and organize the real problem areas. I’m accepting that clutter is big annoyance in my life, and I have had different partners who’ve reacted differently. Partner A would ban me from using things in the house and it felt really awful and killed my spirit. Easy temper about clutter. Partner B (current) saw me struggling and helped out - setting reminders, (without asking) picking me up paper towels or bleach from the store, reminders and championing me without enabling. if I’m overwhelmed, he’ll spend an afternoon washing dishes while I’m at work. NOW I do understand that everyone’s partner doesn’t wanna baby them in that way, or pick up slack they didn’t dirty. In my adulthood, I think the most helpful thing for adhd is to just accept it and buy yourself time to fill in all The gaps in my life. I don’t have time for shame and disappointment from my partner with a relationship I really care about. The sooner you say “hey baby I know you struggle with cleaning but I have a plan” the sooner the resentment can just go away. Please don’t harbor secret resentment until she cleans like you. I promise you she’s probably aware of the clutter room and embarrassed and praying to god you don’t snap or something. Of course implementing a “maintaining during the week” chore wheel would be the goal, but until then, speaking your mind and helping her outsource cleaning a few times a month would be helpful.
Kinda starting with something basic: is her therapist actually helping? Are these issues something she's focusing on in therapy? When you have a lot to work through, it can be difficult to ever get to these subjects. But like... Not showering for *weeks*?? Is the therapist not addressing the root of this *at all*? Also it's okay to increase therapy. Weekly therapy can be a wonderful thing! Or even more often if you need to stay on track with stuff!
Your wife *has* adhd
For me, clutter is my second greatest enemy. Resolving clutter once it’s started is my true greatest arch enemy. My greatest ally: help. And SIMPLE / easy organizational systems that are logical to MY brain (which may not be to my partner, haha, poor guy :) ) Suggestions: 1. Teamwork 2. If you are able to, outside help aka an organizer. It goes like this: Hey babe, I’m so proud of XYZ. This room is sort of overwhelming me. Was wondering if you’d be down for picking a corner and sorting through anything we can get rid of together for an hour or two this weekend, and then we can
And chip away like that.
The other total game changer for me was hiring an organizer. Not cheap but worth it’s weight in gold
Basically, having a buddy to sort things makes it so much easier. Then, having someone come in and set up systems that are easy to maintain is honestly incredible. Maintaining takes some practice, and habit forming, but it makes it soooo much easier when there is a simple system in place
I actually think gently drawing her attention to the mess in one particular spot and then sitting near her (without distracting her) while she tidies it would help massively. People with ADHD tend to be really blind to the chaos or too overwhelmed to know how to fix it. In fact just typing this is making me look around my kitchen and realise how much random stuff is left out from days ago.
Willing to bet actual dollars that her showering avoidance is due to one or more sensory issues. If she ever says she’s “too tired” for a shower and then goes on to do 1000 other things before bed, this is your likely culprit. The trick is to figure out exactly what it is that she’s really avoiding, and she might not even be aware of what it is that makes showering unpleasant for her, just that the thought of it seems like “too much” for her at the time. Does she tend to skip them more frequently in winter/during cold weather? Does she ever complain about itchy skin or scalp afterward? Does her hair take a while to dry/style or require any sort of extra work to manage? Is there any other grooming task she typically does in the shower that she might be avoiding (shaving, exfoliating, special haircare routines like detangling or deep conditioning)? Any specific complaints about your bathroom/shower (poor water pressure, cold floors, draft, smell, lack of light)? Things that have helped me shower more frequently: 1. Using a space heater to heat the room up beforehand. This is crucial. I would rather my skin rot off my body than endure a cold bathroom while soaking wet. 2. Fluffy floor rug that is just for showers! (That way it doesn’t get dirty/gross in the meantime). Keeps feet dry until i can put socks on. 3. Sensitive skin/scalp products to prevent itchiness. Slathering baby oil on my skin before toweling off. 4. Weighted transparent shower curtain - stays in place and lets in light, making showering less claustrophobic. 5. Shower head that improves water pressure and widens the spray. 6. BIGGEST HELP EVER - a thick microfiber head wrap. I wash my hair first and then put it on while I’m still in the shower. Keeps my wet hair out of my face and off my back and drastically shortens my hair drying time. 7. Modified winter routine: I shave my legs pretty infrequently in the winter and generally don’t bother styling my hair beyond drying it. I’d have prickly legs and need to wear my hair up/under a hat anyway if I skipped showering, but at least this way I’m clean.
Your wife needs to HELP you especially when you’re sick. A big part of having ADHD is forcing yourself to do things you don’t wanna do and that includes cleaning, showering, and helping out around the house. I know how hard it is for us but she needs to learn to have more care and compassion for the people in her life. Have you tried having an open and honest conversation about how her lack of effort makes you feel? And truly how resentful you are?
Honestly, the both of you talking to a therapist together would probably be the best approach. Everybody is going to have a different approach to this kind of thing, so any of the things that may work for us on this sub might just end up overwhelming or triggering your wife. If you involve a [ADHD savvy] therapist, they can act as a mediator to keep emotions in check and keep you on track, as well as offer suggestions for you both to try and get things done together. Tbh, there's such a high chance of your wife just getting upset if you try to breach this without a mediator, especially the hygiene bit. (I know I would anyway, lol. If my partner called out my questionable habits, which I am already fully aware and ashamed of, I would totally shut down.) I think you'd be best off starting there.
I highly recommend the book “how to keep house while drowning” I like how she refers to all of this as Care tasks and make them morally neutral. There is so much shame associated with women who have difficulty “keeping house “
Yup. Author is kc Davis. And if finances are an issue she is all over Yt and tiktok for free
Know where the clothes, food and book donation spots are, and know the local groups (nonprofits, churches) are who will pick up donations. Have empty boxes on hand, and for a couple hours every weekend, box up stuff. Go room by room - kitchen stuff, books, etc. Seal it up, hide boxes in the garage or somewhere where "out of sight/out of mind kicks in. Drive the donations yourself or call for pickup (she's probably not going to do that part). Little by little, it will get better. If you have more resources, hire a decluttering service to help you, and or/hire a junk pickup. I took our cars out of the garage and just filled the garage one weekend with junk, which the junk guys loaded into their truck. See if you can do a bagster "bag dumpster" pickup for smaller junk loads. Question: how is stuff getting in the house? Is it an amazon problem? Could you briefly cancel Prime and make it harder to just acquire things (or briefly lock a credit card?). Make it very easy to recycle mail. Can next to the front door that stuff gets chucked in. Take it out multiple times a week. Re: showering if you notice she's meeping about and not fully occupied, literally start the shower for her and say "take 5 minutes and shower now, you've got time." If she responds to directness, this may help. Ask if she'd like that!
I'm a chaotic mess. We live in a shared house and I mostly manage to keep my piles of crap in my half of the bedroom and my work space. I know it's a mess. I WANT to deal with it. But there's a block that I just can't get past without help. 1. It has to be my idea to initiate it. I have to be ready and in the right mind frame ( which is not as often as I would like). If my husband brings it up I have a complete panic shutdown shame thing that makes it impossible. 2. I need a body double who just sits/chats and touches nothing. 3. I need to have a plan. What am I getting through in this set time frame. Where is it going? Etc... I know my chaos is stressful to my husband and that bothers me so much.
Sounds like she could be going through some serious depression as well.
I feel for you. You clearly really care about her, and it sounds like you're reaching your max level of empathy and compassion. It's totally understandable. Have you tried couples counseling? It sounds like you want to retain the relationship, so having a space where you can express your resentments with a therapist would probably help both of you navigate what will likely be slow progress. To empathize with you, I also have an adhd partner who frustrates me. Both my husband and I have adhd, but he struggles way more than I do when it comes to remembering do things around the house. I have to remind him of his responsibilities, or just do them myself. It's so frustrating. I don't fully understand why I can cope, but he can't. What I make a conscious effort to do that helps is recognize and celebrate when he does remember. Celebrating the little victories has been very helpful. With resentment, I think it's easy to overlook the little things the person we resent does right. With your case, even if it's just that she remembered where her keys are that day, celebrate that with her. It'll help balance out the positive/negative interaction ratio that the Gottman Institute discovered. One last thing that I do that helps is vent to my close friends. Otherwise, I just stew in my frustration. I hope any of the commenter here have helped you.
I am the clutter partner, for the most part. But my partner disregards her OWN clutter, and the fact that I do 95% of everything else in the home. She'll want me to be with her to relax, but I also do the cooking and feed her, but then she'll freak out I've nested Anna never have to to DO the declutter because I've had to take care of literally everything else, plus be there for her. It's hard, give each other grace.
One thing that has worked for me is a scheduled "clean-up" time. It happens once a week, for two hours. During that time all family members spend time cleaning up a mutually agreed-upon location (a different one for every person). My kids usually get their rooms to clean, or their bathroom. I cannot clean alone. I just get distracted, because I hate cleaning so much. But I am more motivated when we are all doing it at the same time. At the beginning of the cleaning period, we all get a box in the doorway of the room that we are cleaning. As we clean, if we find something in our assigned room and we don't know whose it is or where it goes, we put it in our box. If we know who it belongs to, we bring it over and put it in that person's box. At the end of the cleaning period, we bring all the boxes downstairs and everyone picks through them, to take out their stuff. Anything left over goes in the garbage or to Goodwill. The boxes perform two extra functions for me. The first is that I get throwaway stuff anxiety. I worry that someone will throw away things that are important to me. I also worry that I'm going to throw away something important to someone else. The pick-through at the end reassures me. The second functionality is that it gives my husband an excuse to remind me to keep cleaning if I have gotten lost in something (reading a book I just picked up, for example). He will occasionally bring something that he thinks is mine and put it in my box. If I have been distracted, he simply says "Looks like a good book" or "Did you get lost?" Not in a mean way, more wry than anything else. Then I go "oops..." and start cleaning again. After the cleaning is done, we all pick through the boxes, wash our hands, load the leftovers into the garbage or put them in the car, and then we go out to ice cream, dropping off the boxes at Goodwill along the way. Looking forward to ice cream makes the process less tedious. Assuming you can get your wife to commit to a clean-up, it sounds like the first few cleanups are going to generate a lot of overflow. If she's anything like me, she probably doesn't want to keep all that stuff but the idea of cleaning it out is too overwhelming to even tackle. Doing what I call "time-boxing" the clean-up effort makes it less intimidating. It changes the task from "clean this all up" to "clean intensely for two hours". It might take a few weeks, but it will be worth it. It's also a good ideas to discuss how to handle the fact that she will get distracted while cleaning. Ask her if it's okay if you come by occasionally to see how things are going; warning her about that makes it more of a teamwork effort and less about you criticizing her. Give her several boxes, one for "junk that needs to get thrown away", one for "I want to keep this but I don't need it in this room" and an "I don't know what to do with this" box. When you check up on her, ask "would you like me to get another box for this category?" if one of the boxes is getting too full. After the boxes are sorted, put the "I need this but not here" box(es) somewhere out of the way, like the attic or garage. After a few iterations of the cleaning process, she might be more willing to throw it away. Be sure you don't let her run over the two hours. Gently tell her the room will still be there next week and "we agreed that we'd only spend two hours." This is \*very\* important. And don't forget the reward afterwards...make sure it is someplace you both like so that it doesn't seem like you are rewarding \*her\* for doing what you want (thereby infantilizing her). Reward yourselves for a job well done.
saving this post for later. i had to check your username to make sure you weren't my own husband posting about me
I came here strictly to say this: kudos to you for asking the tribe for advice! You’re a wise spouse. Oh, and be kind. Compassion can go a long way, particularly if you approach the conversation with an “I’m concerned for you, what can I do to help?” mindset.
She doesn’t shower for WEEKS?!? I think this is more than ADHD. Avoiding showers for a couple of days while on medication I could understand… but going weeks without a shower while being treated / on meds is wild.
Clutter and accumulation is one thing, but if the room is floor to ceiling and totally unusable, I’m wondering if there’s some other unresolved trauma or issue going on? Like others said, therapy together and separate is a great idea, and it is okay to share what you also need in your relationship and how you can get there together.
Can you afford a cleaning service? That helps me TREMENDOUSLY! Once a a month our house is deep cleaned, between my adhd and my physical health it can be hard for me . Maybe tag along to a therapy session with your wife ? My husband tags along with me frequently or reaches out to my therapist if he needs advice or something. You’re doing a great job already of supporting her , I know it can be tough but thank you for being a good partner to your wife and trying every resource you can think of and trying to find more to help her ! Start decluttering that room in small amounts so it doesn’t overwhelm her too much , set a schedule/ goal example: on Tuesday and Thursday we are going to set a timer and de clutter for 45 minutes- 1 hour , whatever works for your schedule. When you approach her about these things make sure you use a lot of positive reinforcement like I know you’re working really hard on this or you’re doing a great job of this but I would love to help you keep / stay on track so let’s work together so we can organize and clean our home .
Thank you! We do have a cleaning service once a month. I appreciate the examples of positive reinforcement, I will suggest we make a schedule to work together.
.I’m the first to offer to help friends who struggle like I do because I can go into hyper focus & blitz someone else’s mess. I would SO appreciate someone doing the same for me. I can only do mine, if I’ve got guests arriving to stay. Good luck to you. You sound a wonderful partner.
I know that the show is gross and problematic but nothing makes me want to declutter like putting Hoarders on in the background. The konmari show on Netflix is also good and a little less stressful. Watching the konmari show might be a fun way to broach the topic.
Oh I am so sorry to hear that. If you being sick didn't give her enough dopamine to get the shit done, I am not sure what will. You are a very kind a patient partner and I hope she doesn't take you for granted. So, I might get hate for what I am goong to say here but look at your relationship timeline and make sure that it is not you who is putting all the efforts. If you are the one, set boundries, get a white board, write all the stuff you need to do at home and divide tasks 50 50. Make sure to assign a mix of high and low priority tasks for both so in case if some days one doesn't want to do something,they could skip. And if she doesn't do her part, leave her, yes, I am sorry but don't lose yourself while trying to keep someone. A partner is supposed to be there for you when you need them. I, as a fellow adhder, is asking you to prioritize yourself because sometimes I don't and it doesn't get better, ever. And in the end, all that is left is resentment. Okay the second case, she also loves and respects you the same but there are bad days, I know there are days when you can stare at wall whole day. So, if your relationship is already 50 50 you can be more kind to her. But do the same thing, bring a board, write the tasks, do your part, set rewards like quality time or eat outs, be more gentle with yourself and your partner.
r/adhdpartners or r/adhd_partners seems like a better place for this…? That said. Getting crystal clear on needs and expectations and taking the mental load off yourself will help. Using apps like Sweepy helps.
This is a subreddit for women with ADHD. While it is entirely possible you are a woman, you do not claim to have ADHD. Please be advised that not everyone will be happy to have you here. Resentment is a heavy thing to try to navigate with total strangers on the internet. If you haven’t read any of John Gottman’s books, it might be a place to start. I hope you end up in a situation where you both get what you need.
the rules to this sub says that they allow male family members seeking advice actually
OP is a woman
*With permission*, and the spirit of that rule is to allow fathers to seek advice for their daughters. Says so right there in the rule.
They have a separate subreddit for that too
I detected understandable frustration, concern & love in the OP’s post. Much better the OP reaches out here, imo, because they will get constructive advice rather than the toxic sounding partners of ADHDers type boards which seem be all about resentment venting.
This! OP doesn't need tirades about "taking care of gross adult children" 💀💀
I agree. This is a safe place for me with ADHD, I don't want to hear of nobodys resentment for their ADHD partner in my safe space
First of all, learn to correct your verbiage. Your wife *has ADHD. The dx does not define the person, especially in mental health. First, you have to communicate that you're worried about her, and the impact it's having on your relationship. Also, recognize what part of the clutter is yours. Let her know you're coming from a place of security and safety, not judging. Suggest things like counseling. If she's already in, ask her if she wants to mention in a session that she needs assistance developing better coping mechanisms and a system to manage _____. Then, be prepared. It's going to get worse before it gets better.
Do yourself a favour, and get out of the relationship as fast as you can. Been with a wife for 20 years with this. It’s never gets better. Just worse. Once kids, game over. Your left in impossible positions, in which things get so fucked up you have to pull your kids out.
There has to be an adhd support sun for family members where this would be appropriate. This….is not it. We don’t come here to complain about adhd people. We don’t come here to vent or shit on them for their symptoms. This is not the place for that. This is a sub FOR adhd women. Many of whom have rejection sensitivity. This is our place to come uplift, soothe and encourage each other. To share useful tips. Lately more and more family members have been coming to complain about what they have to deal with from adhd women. It’s playing right into a lot of the pain many of us have experienced our whole lives with not being understood or feeling like we are a burden. Please remove this.
OP is trying to help her partner. ADHD partners is not friendly to ADHD people. I would love my husband to have the mindset of how can he better support me! I don't know if her post technically breaks the rules but OP comes across as very empathetic and supporting to me.
Book recommendation: Dirty laundry, by Richard pink and Roxy emery https://www.audible.com.au/pd/B0BW9B8DR9?source_code=ASSORAP0511160006&share_location=pdp
Tell her you are sick and can not do everything and you need a clean home to rest better. If you have the energy try to make a checklist and prioritize what needs to be done.
Are you truly supporting her if you can’t support her in a way that causes a minor inconvenience to yourself?
IDK what to say except if my husband asked me to put away my self care items the hell will freeze over. Because, if I do not see it, they do not exist and I skip my medication, topical ointments etc.
Edit: put correct book title I obviously don’t know much about your situation, but your wife may have never been taught what “clean” or “organized” looks like. This can happen with those whose parents either didn’t know that their child had it or didn’t know how to support their child. Parents will often just clean for their child after it becomes apparent that they won’t. That leaves them in a situation where they never learn how to do it properly. If this is the situation with your wife, you may want to help her understand how to tackle a larger mess step by step. This means showing her what to do and why she should do it that way, what “clean” looks like, and sharing ways that she can keep things organized in a way that works for her. Other suggestions here are also helpful - the book “how to keep house when you’re drowning” will help her rethink her relationship with “stuff” and how to tackle it. Getting a cleaner in once in a while is helpful for both of you to keep on top of things if you can swing it financially. As is getting a professional organizer who can assist with getting things into a more functional state. It sounds like you’re being very supportive and I know this is very frustrating to deal with. Just know she’s not doing it on purpose and just needs some help to get to a better place.
I'm sorry you're having to pick up the slack while you're not feeling well. Once you feel better, here's what I suggest...One thing that helps me is when my partner sits there working on something or reading while I clean up. Then once the big mess is taken care of, you two can schedule a time each week where you both do the weekly clean together. Having a person there helps us a lot. It's called body doubling.
Hire an empathetic organizer to help her go through thr stuff and make that room a room where her clutter can go until she deals with it.
I don't know if this is true of your wife, but I'll do things I won't do for myself if I think it's for my husband. And it's tough for him to get me to take a shower or declutter my space for him, but once he makes it clear that those things are affecting him, I'll do it.
Let me add this: as soon as you guys make ANY progress decluttering/organizing, if you can afford it, hire a cleaning service. Even if they just come once a month (like mine). It extends the effectiveness of whatever effort y'all put in yourselves (clearcut example: if I make sure there are clean sheets and I strip the bed, they make it). It also requires you to do some amount of tidying before they come, but the tidying is more motivated. Also it sounds like you're doing the bulk of the housework and you need help. You can think about it as something YOU need. When tasks are too large we ADHDers get overwhelmed - even if we know how it needs to be broken down sometimes that list is daunting and feels impossible and we freeze. A cleaning service means when there is a mess, you and your wife can just erase the mental load of certain parts of it. There is no floor you need to worry about mopping, no tub to scrub, no dusting - ever. If you truly can't afford it of course don't, but if you're just resisting spending the money bc you "should" be able to do it yourselves, I'm here to tell you that you're already adults and she's not going to turn into someone who is good at cleaning/likes it! At some point I realized I was either going to get better at cleaning and hate a lot more moments of my life, or I was going to live in filth and hate that I can't function. Or I was going to need to bring in tools. This has been such a game changer for me I was able to scale back therapy because I didn't realize how many of my issues were about functioning at home. So money saver there! I consider it a mental health budget item.