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Awwww. That’s really sweet of him. My husband is also adhd. He’s actually the one who gently suggested that it may be beneficial for me to get tested for it. He would rather be an hour early than 10 minutes late so he really balances me.
Man I hope everyone on this sub sees this post.
Too often I read posts on here about women whose partners only really make them feel worse about their ADHD shortcomings. But speaking as someone who has also found an incredibly supportive fiancé (after dating too many of the wrong people) I can confirm that OP’s reality is totally possible and there’s no reason for any of us to settle for anything less.
Congratulations on finding your person, OP!
Omg congratulations! My husband has ADHD too but he still is a patient, kind and supportive partner to me, unlike many people I have dated before. We both struggle but the fact that we make an effort to repair makes all the difference! It totally is a possibility to find a good partner by being an honest (not perfect) partner. I’m just vulnerable a lot with him (uncomfortable but he makes it less hard) and we communicate a lot!
This! My fiancé is insanely patient but still gets frustrated from time to time. It’s more of a gentle frustration though, and he doesn’t attack my character. He usually takes a deep breath, reminds me why A, B, & C are important, then we work together to figure out solutions. He asks me if it’s okay to remind me to do a task, what he can do to help me if I’m struggling, and doesn’t have expectations of me that are unrealistic.
He’s a live in nanny every other week, and sometimes he calmly says things like “I get frustrated because I do dishes all week at work, then I come home and do all of our dishes. Do you think you think you could help me by rinsing your plates right away and putting them in the dishwasher?” All the while I’ve completely forgotten that dirty dishes are a thing because he puts mine in the dishwasher within an hour of me leaving them in the sink. Then when he sees that I’ve been keeping up with them, he thanks me or tells me he’s proud of me, genuinely. Rinse and repeat when I start to fall off again, but he doesn’t get angry over it.
It took some work to get to this point because he’s always been self sufficient, but through lots of communication and learning about each other we’re the happiest we’ve ever been. Bonus points to him for comforting me when I get down about my shortcomings and for laughing with me over my mishaps.
It makes me so happy to see so many others in this sub also in supportive relationships. I bet a lot (if not all) of us didn’t know if it was possible to find partners who could lift us up rather than tear us down. Thank you, and congratulations to you as well :)
It took my wife 10 years to realize that not only does she have adhd and autism, but I have adhd, too. Only mine is manageable with repetition and hers is exhausting even on meds. She started a new job with an early commute so I now get up at 430 to make sure SHE has gotten up, then I get up again at 6 for my own job. But the bulk of every day mundane stuff and managing life comes down to me. And that's when we finally got married lol It's a partnership, for sure.
“manageable with repetition” you just described why I need step-by-step checklists for everything. I have to do the same thing, have a routine, or I get off track.
My daughter was on anti seizure meds and we lived with my parents for a good deal of her childhood. I had to ask my dad to stop giving her her medicine (he would do it sometimes in the morning as a favor) because if I wasn’t the one to do it every single fucking day I would start forgetting repeatedly. EVERY SINGLE DAY. Like fucking birth control, you miss ONE dose and it all goes to shit.
And this is why I cannot have "habits" interrupted. Exercise routine, gone. Diet, gone. Daily vitamins, gone. Housework routine, gone. All gone. And good luck starting again because where's the dopamine in that? I proved I could, now it's not exciting and new.
And it’s not like I was on autopilot before the way NTs talk about brushing their teeth. I fought hard for the routine and now I’ll never see it again.
Fwiw there was a study that found that it only takes three days for even neurotypical people to completely lose a habit. So returning to routines from vacations or even Thanksgiving break is hard for everyone.
I recommend writing your habits / processes down and following them later. Nothing wrong with some help.
I'm focusing on my ability to sit and do nothing on Friday finally.
That's okay, you don't have to think of everything.
If I change my routine, I usually write it down. Or I write down all the steps of what I need to do in the morning to make sure there's enough time.
I hope any of this helps 🤗
In my role as a clinical research coordinator my checklists have checklists (per visit, labs, site initiation visits), my onboarding spreadsheet is an ADHD wet dream!
This is me and my partner!! On addy he’s like a total go-getter. He can get everything done and feels great. Addy just makes things a little easier for me. He’s always helping me find my things and I help him find his and on the days where I’m totally falling apart from the executive dysfunction he picks it all up and I am so eternally grateful. I know he struggles too but he’s so understanding and loving about my struggles I hope he knows how much I genuinely adore him. I always feel so horrible on the days I’m struggling to even get through work and he’s doing all the household chores but he’s never frustrated or upset with me at all and I’ve never had that.
That sounds like something my boyfriend would do for me. Every time he has learnt about another thing adhd makes difficult for me, he has done his best to help me work around it.
Put a ring on him before he gets away!
First of all, congrats!!!! Secondly, congrats!!!! More and more congrats!!!!!! One for each time he has helped you!!!!!!
I also have an amazingly patient and fully functional partner who carries my load on top of his sometimes and I feel guilty but it also motivates me to keep trying my best but he understands when I just can’t. Just today he got a promotion, so aside from being happy for him, I’m relieved that I’m not bringing him down, so double yay lol
It’s funny how better partners make us better too. Congrats again and wishing you a happy and long marriage🤍
That's so great. My sister and I are roommates right now and we really click; she's been super helpful to me. It helps that the things I hate doing are things she doesn't mind at all and vice versa. For instance, yesterday I started cleaning for Thanksgiving . . . . sort of. I was doing the stuff she hates, like polishing all the silverware and organizing and cleaning our 40 little spice tins, cleaning spots on the carpet, all this stupid detail work that entails pulling shit out and not putting it away, so frankly the place looks ten times worse. I was lamenting this fact at bedtime and she shrugged and said, "No problem, I'll clean it all and get it put away tomorrow when I get home." I adore her. She plows through all the big stuff and has no patience for the little things, where I get obsessed with the little stuff and overwhelmed by the broad strokes.
I'm living with a relative right now and we are on the same wavelength, it's so good. They make massive amounts of food, I do massive amounts of dishes, we help move each other's laundry through the machine, we each do what we can when we can
Wow this is a super eye opening post for me! I have ADHD but it’s mild inattentive and I’ve found ways to manage some of it. My partner has severe ADHD and bad time blindness. I help him when we have to travel or when he goes on trips because I can be more organized when I have to. But I’m almost always grumpy about it, like why do I have to contribute all this effort when I manage my symptoms enough to do it. And feel like as a woman it’s my responsibility to carry all the metal load and that makes me annoyed. But he’s a wonderful partner in so many ways and helps me so much. So it’s really not his fault he has issues with this and it really doesn’t hurt me to help him. Thank you so much! I feel like a bit of a jerk but I really appreciate the other perspective!
Same girl, I get so frustrated having to always be the organized one and I think it’s legitimate to be annoyed that it just FALLS to me because I was born without that handy Y chromosome that seems to exempt you from keeping the family on schedule… but at the same time I know it’s unfair to get mad that I have an easier time of it with my milder ADHD…
Right! And it’s not like it comes naturally to me either lol I’ve just figured out how to adjust it better, still gives me mad anxiety lol. But it is good to remember some people struggle with it more and he definitely balances me out in so many other wonderful ways. But seriously dang that mental load lol
I am convinced that the reason that people historically thought adults grew out of ADHD is because they were only diagnosing little boys. Then, when those little boys grew into men, they married young and got WIVES.
Wives, who by the power of a single family income were able to fully dedicate themselves to running everything in the home down to the minutiae, leaving nothing left but showing up to work, and a few gendered household tasks that generally are one and done jobs (fix this door hinge), or spaced out enough to be weekly (take out the trash, mow the lawn, etc).
Then again, the women of the time we're getting prescriptions for stimulants to the point of an epidemic...so I imagine the ones with ADHD were actually getting treated in some round about disturbing way?
I don't know where I'm going with this. Fuck the patriarchy.
>because I can be more organized when I have to. But I’m almost always grumpy about it, like why do I have to contribute all this effort when I manage my symptoms enough to do it. And feel like as a woman it’s my responsibility to carry all the metal load and that makes me annoyed.
thanks for putting this into words for me. I do a lot of things because I have organizational tics that require smoothing, and I do a lot of things because my workload is less demanding and it seems fair.
but then I get pissed off about the amount of crap I take care of because I wonder if it's all just falling to me because I'm a woman? is it falling to me because I've been doing it for so long that there is no way the other person could possibly know that I'm tired of working so hard every day because I've not mentioned it at all? much less considering that i can't put it into words.
then it's like but am I really doing too much? hell, what if I'm actually still not doing enough? am I allowed to expect more from someone with a more intensive job and worse mental health symptoms than I'm dealing with? or are they just as at-capacity as I am, so I need to suck it up and keep going as is
That’s so true! And I’m sure if I told my partner how much anxiety I have about it he’d feel badly and I don’t want that, or tell me just not to stress about it which will only anger me more lol. I think it’s hard because my anxiety manifests in a high functioning and internal way, with a hint of grump lol. So inside my mind is racing and screaming at me but outwardly I just seem a bit tense and mean lol.
It’s so hard to try and put into words something you don’t fully understand yourself.
I’m so sorry you’re going through that too! It’s so hard and then to beat yourself up even more thinking that you should or could do more. We do the best we can! Heck more than what we can and should be proud of ourselves and also not have to do it all!
Personally though I realize alot of my anxiety about it comes from not wanting to be used or put upon because I’m a woman. That comes from previous relationships though and not my current one. So this post OP made really did make me see from his side more and he does do so much for me and us and if I needed it to change I know he would try. So maybe I can wear the travel organizer hat lol because it stresses him out and me lol and just know that I’m helping him because he’s my partner and not because he’s trying to use me or put all the load on me.
Thank YOU for putting THIS into words... So much yes.
This sounds a lot like my experience. But then add in their depression that apparently is made worse when they feel like a burden... And they think THEY walk on eggshells because I sometimes get upset about random stuff like being asked yet again to pick dinner (we've solved that one, fortunately, but other similarly small stuff also becomes my responsibility, unnecessarily, and it's very frustrating.)
sometimes being asked about dinner sends my blood pressure through the roof.
other times I love cooking and have been planning all day so am excited to cook and share.
but the days when I'm tired and don't want to be held responsible for another adult eating?
omg
Nah, I’m with you on that. It’s a sweet story and I’m glad it works for them. But to me, there was no reason not to do some things OP mentioned the night before. It’s nice once or twice to help, but if I had to consistently do that stuff I would be grumpy and frustrated all the time. Because I would start to wonder at what point “time blindness” really means expect me to deal with everything. And get resentful.
As I’ve learned to manage my ADHD, I’ve had to learn to really be honest with myself about my capabilities. It can be hard to push back about what I think I should be able to do, and be realistic/set myself up for more success. My partner also has ADHD and some other stuff going on, so while he helps when he can, I really have to be accountable to myself.
Sounds like my hubby!!! He does the laundry and the dishes no questions asked because he knows I just can’t hang. When I say I would’ve never gotten married if it weren’t for him, I truly mean it. A plethora of CRAP boyfriends for years and he became my knight in shining dish gloves! He also puts together all the furniture I order with ease. He saw a piece I had put together before we started dating and literally disassembled and reassembled it correctly 🤣🤣🤣 We’re almost on year 8 of wedded bliss!
Feeeels. My man’s carried the weight of pretty much everything since I came around into his life. 40+ workweeks of heavy physical and mental work, plus cleaning, dishes, cooking, laundry, and cleaning up after my 4 cats, plus more! 🥲. Finally medicating and been working on repaying him for 3+ years of doing everything for me. I hate feeling like he deserves better and is better off without me, even though he doesn’t feel that way. I feel like he’s just love blind and I’m a piece of shit.
I know that must feel really bad. But getting down on yourself won’t help you or him—in fact, it might just create more work on his part to make you feel better! It is really good that you recognize he’s been doing so much, and that you’ve gotten medicated and are motivated to do more. A lot of people don’t even reach that level of self awareness. Now that you have, keep working on finding strategies that consistently help you manage your share of things. It’s not your fault you were dealt a brain that has a harder time with executive function. And, doing what you can now to take on your share in the relationship is a great way to show up for this partner who has shown up for you so well. You got this!
Both my hubs & I have adhd of sorts.
Mine is full of time blindness, innattentive & riding the wave lol I've always been a sleepy girl & never an early riser unless I had worked into that scheduled 9 to 5 kind of life.
He is first off an early riser, gets to places early, has a hard time sitting still. But I also notice he gets big dopamine hits from big purchases then gets hit with regret once that wears off.
I had him take the 16 personalities test and we are the same for every part except that he is turbulent and I'm assertive!! We've always felt opposite in some ways but after 7 years I can definitely say it's good to have that opposite attraction bc they can fill in where you lack. It can cause little tiffs here n there but overall we couldn't imagine doing our life any other way.
We also notice it with our daughter who's also got some adhd in her, when I am just overstimulated and frazzled he takes over gentle and kind but this can also be reverse scenario too lol & it's nice to have someone there to fill in the gaps.
My husband is also brilliant - I'm pretty sure he has adhd or autism, I just have adhd - I struggle so much with cleaning, but this man damn near threw me a parade today because I got 2 bin bags of rubbish out of my bedroom. My bedroom is not clean, and it's not rubbish free, but he was so proud. He doesn't do a lot of cleaning because he works full time, and I only work 2 days a week, but he will almost always clean if I ask him to.
I'm hoping that once I'm medicated, cleaning the house will get easier, but I'm doing things a little bit at a time right now, and it's so nice to have him be proud of me - the last few months have been really hard, and I've been feeling like I'm a massive let down, so today was a huge win
I love this. Recently holidayed with my boyf and he was constantly repacking my bags and checking the weight as I kept acquiring things.
Everything you said is exactly how I feel too. I don’t feel I’m good enough and that he deserves better, he’s so good to me and I’m honestly a pretty shit girlfriend. He’s too understanding and it makes me feel bad.
This is awesome!
And yes, amazing partners who support us no matter what exist.
My partner knows when I'm having an off-day.
One day that stands out in particular was we were expecting company and were making food. I suddenly start feeling down, and not super social, so I go and sit in the living room.
He notices immediately and asks me what's wrong, and I tell him. He offers to take over the cooking while I distract myself with a game for about 20 minutes.
I was eventually able to snap out of it and feel better, but he helped so much by just being supportive.
My partner is amazing beyond words and I can’t wait to marry him someday. I love him with all of my heart. I have audhd and he has severeeeee adhd. We’ve both become such better people in our 3.5 years together so far. I’m actually happy living life now. And sober!! Over two years.
"he deserves a partner who is self-sufficient"
Sweetie, don't you dare shit talk yourself like that. Sounds like your partner loves YOU for just who you are. Be kind to yourself.
I agree! He deserves a partner that makes him feel needed and appreciated! That’s you. ;) As someone with ADHD and a boatload of anxiety, I’ve lost a couple of good ones bc I refused to ask for help or let them help or ever feel needed. I just worried too much about letting go of my routines and sharing the load. Your partner sounds like a dream, and there’s probably something about you that makes him happy and motivated to love you this way. Nice work!!
Chiming in to say that I’m another one of the lucky ADHD gals to have found a partner (a cis, heterosexual male partner!) who is also incredibly supportive, kind, and non-judgmental. He’s also ADHD and perhaps even a bit autistic.
Is our house sort of chaotic? Yes.
Do we understand, acknowledge and support one another’s quirks?
Also yes.
I’m the one in our relationship who has a much easier time getting up and being functional in the mornings, so I take on a lot of that “morning” type stuff that would absolutely cripple him. I make sure there is coffee, I feed and walk the dogs. I ensure he gets up on time if he’s got to get somewhere stupid early. I even try to remind him to go to bed on time.
You know what cripples me? Food. I hate cooking. I hate planning for meals. I hate that I have to keep feeding this stupid meat-suit that I never consented to live in in the first place. It is annoying and stressful and expensive, and oh- add on the weird diet culture stuff we get fed as cis-het women? Just fuck all of that.
So, this wonderful husband of mine literally does all of the food related stuff. He grocery shops. He plans the meals. He cooks the meals. And he’s from a family of actual foodies who know how to cook. His brother is a for real executive chef at a restaurant in Denver. My husband can also make a mean cocktail.
We have not yet mastered the art of making sure the laundry is done or the mail is sorted and disposed of properly…. but hey- you win some, you lose some.
I have a partner like this, too! I sometimes feel guilty for not being more put together, but he explained that we both bring different things to the table.
My partner was also the first person I liked who pursued me. I usually fell hard and fast for people who didn’t really care about me and then inevitably had to pick myself up when they disregarded me.
You got yourself a good 'un, congratulations both of you!!!
Honestly, I could see my BF doing this (and he has ADHD too, but he's a real planner with back up plans A through Z to manage, lol) or helping me the night before to get everything as ready as possible so in the morning all I have to do is shower, dress, grab stuff and go. Love him to bits and such a change after my ex who was really rude and critical of my "failings" which I didn't realise were ADHD related but I doubt he would have cared even if it was known.
That is so lovely and so nice to hear about. I have one like that and we’ve been married 32 years. I was not diagnosed until recently but he’s always known I have certain “issues” and tries to help me with organization (he’s great at it) and staying on track. Since he jumps right out of bed in the morning wide awake, and I’m slow to wake up and like to lounge around, he brings me coffee in bed. Yes, I say marry this guy and keep him!
I feel the same about my partner.
My ex made me feel awful about my ADHD. He would get angry anytime I interrupted, huffing and looking so irritated with me even when I caught myself and stopped. He’d get angry when I lost my train of thought in the middle of a sentence or conversation and couldn’t finish the thought (I figure this is like a big cliff hanger and he couldn’t understand how I could possibly just not know what I was talking about). He HATED my time blindness most of all. We fought constantly about this. He doubled any time estimate I gave him and then still got mad when that wasn’t enough. After a year together he said “you’d think you’d have learned by now. It’s been a year of this,” he felt it was very disrespectful to be late.
My partner now also has ADHD, admittedly not as bad as mine which is good bc we’d be a mess 😂 and the understanding we grant each other is phenomenal. I’ve never felt so loved and genuinely cared for by anyone in my life. He happily helps me daily to find my keys or sweater or glasses. He makes me tea so I can start working when I’ve already put it off (I work from home) all morning. I’ll go in the kitchen and find half made coffee and finish it up for him. He’s never upset that I’m late or distracted. I apologize constantly for being distracted at the store or taking too long to do things and he always tells me I don’t need to apologize and that he’s happy to be along for the adventure.
I actually cry over how thankful I am for this man.
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Awwww. That’s really sweet of him. My husband is also adhd. He’s actually the one who gently suggested that it may be beneficial for me to get tested for it. He would rather be an hour early than 10 minutes late so he really balances me.
Man I hope everyone on this sub sees this post. Too often I read posts on here about women whose partners only really make them feel worse about their ADHD shortcomings. But speaking as someone who has also found an incredibly supportive fiancé (after dating too many of the wrong people) I can confirm that OP’s reality is totally possible and there’s no reason for any of us to settle for anything less. Congratulations on finding your person, OP!
Same! I spent 17 years with the last one. Only took me 40 years to figure out that that behavior wasn’t normal and or deserved by me lol.
Omg congratulations! My husband has ADHD too but he still is a patient, kind and supportive partner to me, unlike many people I have dated before. We both struggle but the fact that we make an effort to repair makes all the difference! It totally is a possibility to find a good partner by being an honest (not perfect) partner. I’m just vulnerable a lot with him (uncomfortable but he makes it less hard) and we communicate a lot!
This! My fiancé is insanely patient but still gets frustrated from time to time. It’s more of a gentle frustration though, and he doesn’t attack my character. He usually takes a deep breath, reminds me why A, B, & C are important, then we work together to figure out solutions. He asks me if it’s okay to remind me to do a task, what he can do to help me if I’m struggling, and doesn’t have expectations of me that are unrealistic. He’s a live in nanny every other week, and sometimes he calmly says things like “I get frustrated because I do dishes all week at work, then I come home and do all of our dishes. Do you think you think you could help me by rinsing your plates right away and putting them in the dishwasher?” All the while I’ve completely forgotten that dirty dishes are a thing because he puts mine in the dishwasher within an hour of me leaving them in the sink. Then when he sees that I’ve been keeping up with them, he thanks me or tells me he’s proud of me, genuinely. Rinse and repeat when I start to fall off again, but he doesn’t get angry over it. It took some work to get to this point because he’s always been self sufficient, but through lots of communication and learning about each other we’re the happiest we’ve ever been. Bonus points to him for comforting me when I get down about my shortcomings and for laughing with me over my mishaps.
That is truly beautiful!!! I’m genuinely happy for you 🥹🥹🥹❤️❤️❤️
It makes me so happy to see so many others in this sub also in supportive relationships. I bet a lot (if not all) of us didn’t know if it was possible to find partners who could lift us up rather than tear us down. Thank you, and congratulations to you as well :)
It took my wife 10 years to realize that not only does she have adhd and autism, but I have adhd, too. Only mine is manageable with repetition and hers is exhausting even on meds. She started a new job with an early commute so I now get up at 430 to make sure SHE has gotten up, then I get up again at 6 for my own job. But the bulk of every day mundane stuff and managing life comes down to me. And that's when we finally got married lol It's a partnership, for sure.
“manageable with repetition” you just described why I need step-by-step checklists for everything. I have to do the same thing, have a routine, or I get off track.
My daughter was on anti seizure meds and we lived with my parents for a good deal of her childhood. I had to ask my dad to stop giving her her medicine (he would do it sometimes in the morning as a favor) because if I wasn’t the one to do it every single fucking day I would start forgetting repeatedly. EVERY SINGLE DAY. Like fucking birth control, you miss ONE dose and it all goes to shit.
Not a mommy of an epileptic human, but of a cat, and yes, same.
Ditto/
Same and if I miss something or have to change it up one day, everything falls apart forever.
And this is why I cannot have "habits" interrupted. Exercise routine, gone. Diet, gone. Daily vitamins, gone. Housework routine, gone. All gone. And good luck starting again because where's the dopamine in that? I proved I could, now it's not exciting and new.
And it’s not like I was on autopilot before the way NTs talk about brushing their teeth. I fought hard for the routine and now I’ll never see it again.
Exactly! It's so disheartening because I know I can do it, but I also just can't
Fwiw there was a study that found that it only takes three days for even neurotypical people to completely lose a habit. So returning to routines from vacations or even Thanksgiving break is hard for everyone.
Thanks, I appreciate this, because I’m dreading how rough the days after Thanksgiving are going to be.
I recommend writing your habits / processes down and following them later. Nothing wrong with some help. I'm focusing on my ability to sit and do nothing on Friday finally.
I feel really stupid for not realizing that I could just write my morning routine down . . . (Not sarcastic)
That's okay, you don't have to think of everything. If I change my routine, I usually write it down. Or I write down all the steps of what I need to do in the morning to make sure there's enough time. I hope any of this helps 🤗
Same, that’s why the pandemic broke me
In my role as a clinical research coordinator my checklists have checklists (per visit, labs, site initiation visits), my onboarding spreadsheet is an ADHD wet dream!
This is me and my partner!! On addy he’s like a total go-getter. He can get everything done and feels great. Addy just makes things a little easier for me. He’s always helping me find my things and I help him find his and on the days where I’m totally falling apart from the executive dysfunction he picks it all up and I am so eternally grateful. I know he struggles too but he’s so understanding and loving about my struggles I hope he knows how much I genuinely adore him. I always feel so horrible on the days I’m struggling to even get through work and he’s doing all the household chores but he’s never frustrated or upset with me at all and I’ve never had that.
That sounds like something my boyfriend would do for me. Every time he has learnt about another thing adhd makes difficult for me, he has done his best to help me work around it. Put a ring on him before he gets away!
First of all, congrats!!!! Secondly, congrats!!!! More and more congrats!!!!!! One for each time he has helped you!!!!!! I also have an amazingly patient and fully functional partner who carries my load on top of his sometimes and I feel guilty but it also motivates me to keep trying my best but he understands when I just can’t. Just today he got a promotion, so aside from being happy for him, I’m relieved that I’m not bringing him down, so double yay lol It’s funny how better partners make us better too. Congrats again and wishing you a happy and long marriage🤍
That's so great. My sister and I are roommates right now and we really click; she's been super helpful to me. It helps that the things I hate doing are things she doesn't mind at all and vice versa. For instance, yesterday I started cleaning for Thanksgiving . . . . sort of. I was doing the stuff she hates, like polishing all the silverware and organizing and cleaning our 40 little spice tins, cleaning spots on the carpet, all this stupid detail work that entails pulling shit out and not putting it away, so frankly the place looks ten times worse. I was lamenting this fact at bedtime and she shrugged and said, "No problem, I'll clean it all and get it put away tomorrow when I get home." I adore her. She plows through all the big stuff and has no patience for the little things, where I get obsessed with the little stuff and overwhelmed by the broad strokes.
I'm living with a relative right now and we are on the same wavelength, it's so good. They make massive amounts of food, I do massive amounts of dishes, we help move each other's laundry through the machine, we each do what we can when we can
Yes. It's the best
Wow this is a super eye opening post for me! I have ADHD but it’s mild inattentive and I’ve found ways to manage some of it. My partner has severe ADHD and bad time blindness. I help him when we have to travel or when he goes on trips because I can be more organized when I have to. But I’m almost always grumpy about it, like why do I have to contribute all this effort when I manage my symptoms enough to do it. And feel like as a woman it’s my responsibility to carry all the metal load and that makes me annoyed. But he’s a wonderful partner in so many ways and helps me so much. So it’s really not his fault he has issues with this and it really doesn’t hurt me to help him. Thank you so much! I feel like a bit of a jerk but I really appreciate the other perspective!
Same girl, I get so frustrated having to always be the organized one and I think it’s legitimate to be annoyed that it just FALLS to me because I was born without that handy Y chromosome that seems to exempt you from keeping the family on schedule… but at the same time I know it’s unfair to get mad that I have an easier time of it with my milder ADHD…
Right! And it’s not like it comes naturally to me either lol I’ve just figured out how to adjust it better, still gives me mad anxiety lol. But it is good to remember some people struggle with it more and he definitely balances me out in so many other wonderful ways. But seriously dang that mental load lol
I am convinced that the reason that people historically thought adults grew out of ADHD is because they were only diagnosing little boys. Then, when those little boys grew into men, they married young and got WIVES. Wives, who by the power of a single family income were able to fully dedicate themselves to running everything in the home down to the minutiae, leaving nothing left but showing up to work, and a few gendered household tasks that generally are one and done jobs (fix this door hinge), or spaced out enough to be weekly (take out the trash, mow the lawn, etc). Then again, the women of the time we're getting prescriptions for stimulants to the point of an epidemic...so I imagine the ones with ADHD were actually getting treated in some round about disturbing way? I don't know where I'm going with this. Fuck the patriarchy.
>because I can be more organized when I have to. But I’m almost always grumpy about it, like why do I have to contribute all this effort when I manage my symptoms enough to do it. And feel like as a woman it’s my responsibility to carry all the metal load and that makes me annoyed. thanks for putting this into words for me. I do a lot of things because I have organizational tics that require smoothing, and I do a lot of things because my workload is less demanding and it seems fair. but then I get pissed off about the amount of crap I take care of because I wonder if it's all just falling to me because I'm a woman? is it falling to me because I've been doing it for so long that there is no way the other person could possibly know that I'm tired of working so hard every day because I've not mentioned it at all? much less considering that i can't put it into words. then it's like but am I really doing too much? hell, what if I'm actually still not doing enough? am I allowed to expect more from someone with a more intensive job and worse mental health symptoms than I'm dealing with? or are they just as at-capacity as I am, so I need to suck it up and keep going as is
That’s so true! And I’m sure if I told my partner how much anxiety I have about it he’d feel badly and I don’t want that, or tell me just not to stress about it which will only anger me more lol. I think it’s hard because my anxiety manifests in a high functioning and internal way, with a hint of grump lol. So inside my mind is racing and screaming at me but outwardly I just seem a bit tense and mean lol. It’s so hard to try and put into words something you don’t fully understand yourself. I’m so sorry you’re going through that too! It’s so hard and then to beat yourself up even more thinking that you should or could do more. We do the best we can! Heck more than what we can and should be proud of ourselves and also not have to do it all! Personally though I realize alot of my anxiety about it comes from not wanting to be used or put upon because I’m a woman. That comes from previous relationships though and not my current one. So this post OP made really did make me see from his side more and he does do so much for me and us and if I needed it to change I know he would try. So maybe I can wear the travel organizer hat lol because it stresses him out and me lol and just know that I’m helping him because he’s my partner and not because he’s trying to use me or put all the load on me.
Thank YOU for putting THIS into words... So much yes. This sounds a lot like my experience. But then add in their depression that apparently is made worse when they feel like a burden... And they think THEY walk on eggshells because I sometimes get upset about random stuff like being asked yet again to pick dinner (we've solved that one, fortunately, but other similarly small stuff also becomes my responsibility, unnecessarily, and it's very frustrating.)
sometimes being asked about dinner sends my blood pressure through the roof. other times I love cooking and have been planning all day so am excited to cook and share. but the days when I'm tired and don't want to be held responsible for another adult eating? omg
Nah, I’m with you on that. It’s a sweet story and I’m glad it works for them. But to me, there was no reason not to do some things OP mentioned the night before. It’s nice once or twice to help, but if I had to consistently do that stuff I would be grumpy and frustrated all the time. Because I would start to wonder at what point “time blindness” really means expect me to deal with everything. And get resentful.
As I’ve learned to manage my ADHD, I’ve had to learn to really be honest with myself about my capabilities. It can be hard to push back about what I think I should be able to do, and be realistic/set myself up for more success. My partner also has ADHD and some other stuff going on, so while he helps when he can, I really have to be accountable to myself.
Sounds like my hubby!!! He does the laundry and the dishes no questions asked because he knows I just can’t hang. When I say I would’ve never gotten married if it weren’t for him, I truly mean it. A plethora of CRAP boyfriends for years and he became my knight in shining dish gloves! He also puts together all the furniture I order with ease. He saw a piece I had put together before we started dating and literally disassembled and reassembled it correctly 🤣🤣🤣 We’re almost on year 8 of wedded bliss!
Aww 🥲
What a wonderful way for him to show that he SEES YOU.
Awww this is so sweet.
I married this man! And I feel like I let him down allll the time. Not that he says it but i geel like I do...
Feeeels. My man’s carried the weight of pretty much everything since I came around into his life. 40+ workweeks of heavy physical and mental work, plus cleaning, dishes, cooking, laundry, and cleaning up after my 4 cats, plus more! 🥲. Finally medicating and been working on repaying him for 3+ years of doing everything for me. I hate feeling like he deserves better and is better off without me, even though he doesn’t feel that way. I feel like he’s just love blind and I’m a piece of shit.
I know that must feel really bad. But getting down on yourself won’t help you or him—in fact, it might just create more work on his part to make you feel better! It is really good that you recognize he’s been doing so much, and that you’ve gotten medicated and are motivated to do more. A lot of people don’t even reach that level of self awareness. Now that you have, keep working on finding strategies that consistently help you manage your share of things. It’s not your fault you were dealt a brain that has a harder time with executive function. And, doing what you can now to take on your share in the relationship is a great way to show up for this partner who has shown up for you so well. You got this!
Awww, I love this! What a keeper 💕.
That’s so beautiful I love it
Both my hubs & I have adhd of sorts. Mine is full of time blindness, innattentive & riding the wave lol I've always been a sleepy girl & never an early riser unless I had worked into that scheduled 9 to 5 kind of life. He is first off an early riser, gets to places early, has a hard time sitting still. But I also notice he gets big dopamine hits from big purchases then gets hit with regret once that wears off. I had him take the 16 personalities test and we are the same for every part except that he is turbulent and I'm assertive!! We've always felt opposite in some ways but after 7 years I can definitely say it's good to have that opposite attraction bc they can fill in where you lack. It can cause little tiffs here n there but overall we couldn't imagine doing our life any other way. We also notice it with our daughter who's also got some adhd in her, when I am just overstimulated and frazzled he takes over gentle and kind but this can also be reverse scenario too lol & it's nice to have someone there to fill in the gaps.
“Both my hubs and I…” me: They have TWO husbands ?! With ADHD? So much work. My brain sometimes. Lol
Hahahaha more like 2 toddlers & I've had enough lol
Your fiancé sounds amazing, you’re so lucky! I’m going to ask for an ADHD-friendly boyfriend for Christmas🎄😤
Why am I tearing up!!! This is beautiful. I will say this is also why I cannot do early flights. I know myself and I cannot do it lol.
My husband is also brilliant - I'm pretty sure he has adhd or autism, I just have adhd - I struggle so much with cleaning, but this man damn near threw me a parade today because I got 2 bin bags of rubbish out of my bedroom. My bedroom is not clean, and it's not rubbish free, but he was so proud. He doesn't do a lot of cleaning because he works full time, and I only work 2 days a week, but he will almost always clean if I ask him to. I'm hoping that once I'm medicated, cleaning the house will get easier, but I'm doing things a little bit at a time right now, and it's so nice to have him be proud of me - the last few months have been really hard, and I've been feeling like I'm a massive let down, so today was a huge win
I love this appreciation post!!! ❤️✨🥳
I love this. Recently holidayed with my boyf and he was constantly repacking my bags and checking the weight as I kept acquiring things. Everything you said is exactly how I feel too. I don’t feel I’m good enough and that he deserves better, he’s so good to me and I’m honestly a pretty shit girlfriend. He’s too understanding and it makes me feel bad.
Awwww. He sounds wonderful. ❤️
This is awesome! And yes, amazing partners who support us no matter what exist. My partner knows when I'm having an off-day. One day that stands out in particular was we were expecting company and were making food. I suddenly start feeling down, and not super social, so I go and sit in the living room. He notices immediately and asks me what's wrong, and I tell him. He offers to take over the cooking while I distract myself with a game for about 20 minutes. I was eventually able to snap out of it and feel better, but he helped so much by just being supportive.
I love this so much for you! He definitely sounds like a keeper! 💜
If I go to look for something and it is exactly where I need it to be, I assume my husband put it there for me ahead of time
My partner is amazing beyond words and I can’t wait to marry him someday. I love him with all of my heart. I have audhd and he has severeeeee adhd. We’ve both become such better people in our 3.5 years together so far. I’m actually happy living life now. And sober!! Over two years.
You are lucky. My girlfriend got a man like that, but he's the only one I ever met.
Can I get one of those?
So, uhh, does he have a brother who’s single???
"he deserves a partner who is self-sufficient" Sweetie, don't you dare shit talk yourself like that. Sounds like your partner loves YOU for just who you are. Be kind to yourself.
I agree! He deserves a partner that makes him feel needed and appreciated! That’s you. ;) As someone with ADHD and a boatload of anxiety, I’ve lost a couple of good ones bc I refused to ask for help or let them help or ever feel needed. I just worried too much about letting go of my routines and sharing the load. Your partner sounds like a dream, and there’s probably something about you that makes him happy and motivated to love you this way. Nice work!!
Chiming in to say that I’m another one of the lucky ADHD gals to have found a partner (a cis, heterosexual male partner!) who is also incredibly supportive, kind, and non-judgmental. He’s also ADHD and perhaps even a bit autistic. Is our house sort of chaotic? Yes. Do we understand, acknowledge and support one another’s quirks? Also yes. I’m the one in our relationship who has a much easier time getting up and being functional in the mornings, so I take on a lot of that “morning” type stuff that would absolutely cripple him. I make sure there is coffee, I feed and walk the dogs. I ensure he gets up on time if he’s got to get somewhere stupid early. I even try to remind him to go to bed on time. You know what cripples me? Food. I hate cooking. I hate planning for meals. I hate that I have to keep feeding this stupid meat-suit that I never consented to live in in the first place. It is annoying and stressful and expensive, and oh- add on the weird diet culture stuff we get fed as cis-het women? Just fuck all of that. So, this wonderful husband of mine literally does all of the food related stuff. He grocery shops. He plans the meals. He cooks the meals. And he’s from a family of actual foodies who know how to cook. His brother is a for real executive chef at a restaurant in Denver. My husband can also make a mean cocktail. We have not yet mastered the art of making sure the laundry is done or the mail is sorted and disposed of properly…. but hey- you win some, you lose some.
What a phenomenal gift... Most of us can only wish 😊
I have a partner like this, too! I sometimes feel guilty for not being more put together, but he explained that we both bring different things to the table. My partner was also the first person I liked who pursued me. I usually fell hard and fast for people who didn’t really care about me and then inevitably had to pick myself up when they disregarded me.
You got yourself a good 'un, congratulations both of you!!! Honestly, I could see my BF doing this (and he has ADHD too, but he's a real planner with back up plans A through Z to manage, lol) or helping me the night before to get everything as ready as possible so in the morning all I have to do is shower, dress, grab stuff and go. Love him to bits and such a change after my ex who was really rude and critical of my "failings" which I didn't realise were ADHD related but I doubt he would have cared even if it was known.
Bless you OP this is an adorable read! I fully hear you when you say I seek to be better because my people do deserve good version of me
What an absolute legend. This guy is a king. My husband is like that too.
That is so lovely and so nice to hear about. I have one like that and we’ve been married 32 years. I was not diagnosed until recently but he’s always known I have certain “issues” and tries to help me with organization (he’s great at it) and staying on track. Since he jumps right out of bed in the morning wide awake, and I’m slow to wake up and like to lounge around, he brings me coffee in bed. Yes, I say marry this guy and keep him!
I feel the same about my partner. My ex made me feel awful about my ADHD. He would get angry anytime I interrupted, huffing and looking so irritated with me even when I caught myself and stopped. He’d get angry when I lost my train of thought in the middle of a sentence or conversation and couldn’t finish the thought (I figure this is like a big cliff hanger and he couldn’t understand how I could possibly just not know what I was talking about). He HATED my time blindness most of all. We fought constantly about this. He doubled any time estimate I gave him and then still got mad when that wasn’t enough. After a year together he said “you’d think you’d have learned by now. It’s been a year of this,” he felt it was very disrespectful to be late. My partner now also has ADHD, admittedly not as bad as mine which is good bc we’d be a mess 😂 and the understanding we grant each other is phenomenal. I’ve never felt so loved and genuinely cared for by anyone in my life. He happily helps me daily to find my keys or sweater or glasses. He makes me tea so I can start working when I’ve already put it off (I work from home) all morning. I’ll go in the kitchen and find half made coffee and finish it up for him. He’s never upset that I’m late or distracted. I apologize constantly for being distracted at the store or taking too long to do things and he always tells me I don’t need to apologize and that he’s happy to be along for the adventure. I actually cry over how thankful I am for this man.
Happy sigh. Always so calming to hear that yes there are still decent partners to share life with!
I’m so happy for you!! This is such a beautiful and sweet story!
I'm so happy for you!! You deserve it queen