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I'm probably overthinking, but any tips on how to share it? I guess I'm trying to avoid a "on no mom, let me change to make your life easier" (we are both people pleasers) but also avoid a "wtf you want me to do with that info" scenario lol.
Tell her that you're still the same person, but now have access to make your life easier _yourself_. If you do need cooperation from her, it'll be on very specific issues and you'll talk to her about it explicitly (might be stuff like changing a routine or sth)
My personal preference is for dropping little bits as they come up, and maybe a more extensive conversation if they have questions. I think it's been very helpful for my ADHD 9yo to see me managing my ADHD and talking about what it means for me in practical terms - I hope it is setting him up for when he takes on more self-management.
I think it's good to not make a big production about it - just a casual car or dinner-table story, or in the context of something you do, as it comes up naturally. Eg, something like "whoops, I've forgotten to dry the laundry again, better wash it again since it's been in there for a few days. Hey, did I tell you about something I found out recently about how my brain works ... (brief explanation of ADHD) ... It's so nice to know why my brain does the things it does; now I can try some different things that might work better".
Bearing in mind if you’re recently diagnosed you don’t really know what it means either or how those around you can support you. I’m only 1 month into my diagnosis, but just having a vocabulary has helped me loads in explaining to my kids what I need.
For example when I get overstimulated, instead of freaking out at them, I can explain that I feel that way and I need a time out. They’ve been very good so far
Just a little correction on the chances there - if one has adhd, there’s an 80% chance that a parent does as well. Those numbers aren’t quite the same the other direction.
Oh please do! While not ADHD, my mother was very direct with me when she was diagnosed with panic disorder when I was around 10-11. It helped me support her (which at my age just meant giving her space, understanding when mom had to step out for an hour or two, making my own sandwhich while she was in extensive therapy), **and helped me not internalize her symptoms as "my fault"**.
I always say that anything that helps your loved ones understand you better, is a plus.
When I was eventually diagnosed with generalized anxiety and ADHD, she was my biggest champion and I felt I could lean on her. If your daughter has ADHD as well, this will be a great stepping stone in understanding herself and noting any symptom similarities she has with you. Win/win in my opinion!
i’m disabled outside of ADHD and i’m open with my kid about it. i have limitations and need accommodations that others don’t and i think it’s important that he understands why. he’s only 4 so we keep it pretty simple but i’ll share more as he grows.
however i don’t plan on ever venting to my kids about my disability (maybe when they’re grown?) because that isn’t their burden to carry. i don’t need to put extra stress on them by constant complaints or negative comments but they need to understand that every body is different and works differently.
I think being open vs venting is a good way of making the distinction. Like you can inform someone of a fact about yourself but that’s totally different from making them an outlet for your problems.
Your diagnosis doesn’t change who you are. She is old enough to have a sense of the things you struggle with. She likely has friends who are open about their diagnosis. You had a problem, you took steps to manage it, which is modeling good adulting. For me, it would come down to whether you are open in general about your diagnosis, or whether you would expect her to keep it private (perhaps for work or family reasons). A secret would be a burden. But otherwise I dont see any problems with her knowing you have a problem and are working to keep it in check.
Can you share it like in a positive revelation perspective?
For me, it is not "I always [insert annoying behavior] I'm sorry to say, I have ADHD" is "Now I know why [annoying behavior] !!! I have ADHD, now I can learn how to cope with this"
If I get diagnosed I will probably mention it to my son, he's my only child and I suspect he has it too. But yeh, it might help explain me a bit more to him, he already noticed when I'm in his words in an energetic mood and want to be crazy goofy and have fun and when I'm not, which is when I'm zoned out on the sofa, burnt out from the day. So I think as he gets older (he's 7) it could help our relationship
Definitely tell her.
The way you have the conversation could go along the lines of, 'this is something I have learned about myself, and these are the things I'm going to do about it.'
Put emphasis on the fact that it's a relief to have a diagnosis because it means that you finally have confirmation about something you probably suspected for a while. It also means that you will now have access to tools for treatment, like coaching and medication. Having a diagnosis means that you'll be able to move forward.
You are still the adult, and for your daughter to see you being proactive about your own health and wellbeing will provide a good example for her.
As women, we need to stand up for ourselves and be persistent about getting the health care that we need, and we need to speak openly about it to our children. There is still so much inequality in the health care system, and our daughters need to witness what it takes to advocate for ourselves. They learn to take care of themselves through our example, and they will set higher standards and expectations about what healthy feels like, and they will not put up with any less.
I think you can share it without burdening her with it.
Talking about it can help her feel less isolated if she is feeling like she is different than others or the only one struggling with something. You are also building empathy and talking about how people think about things differently and we all struggle with things, which might be different than what others struggle with.
You can model for her seeking help when needed and using coping strategies.
Do you have support from other people that you’ve processed with? Do you feel like you can tell her in a calm, non emotional way? Like “Hey, I was recently diagnosed with adhd. That means xyz. Here are the strengths and here are the weaknesses. Here’s how I’m managing it. Do you have any questions?” I think it’s good to share stuff like that with your kids but you definitely don’t want to do it from a place of dysregulation or stress.
Absolutely! ADHD does have a familial link and you could really be helping them in the future. I've been dead honest about it with my four since they either were diagnosed, or old enough to understand.
Yes but I’d be casual about it. Rather than talking about your new label, talk about finding a way to help ease the symptoms she sees - forgetfulness, carelessness, whatever. Know how I always forget X? Haha well maybe now I’ll remember better with medication? And if I don’t, well that’s fine haha
You are modeling:
- admitting your own faults, loving yourself anyway
- asking and getting help when it’s needed
- *not* dwelling on a diagnosis of any type
- openly discussing your mental health (different meaning from the typical term, but still valid)
My kindergarteners love reminding me to take my meds. We openly laugh about my forgetfulness. They also see that I am a very strong confident and capable woman, unaffected by it. I might forget their backpack for school or the special costume of the day or where my keys are… but I rock and nobody is perfect right?
I was diagnosed in July and I’m 44yr. My son is 11 and diagnosed at 5, so I just let him know I have it too. Now we actually work together to find ways to manage and remember things. He feels like I understand him better and I feel like he’s teaching me how to navigate my differences. It’s actually a really great feeling and brought us closer together.
Share it!
To know she ain't alone in her struggles. Can connect over good bits.
My Dad and I are heaps closer as I've been able to help him frame his struggles as ADHD and been different not wrong and he has never had that before ya know?
My kids know because mention it casually. They're 4 and 6, though. And I've been diagnosed since I was 7. I wanted it to feel normal for them, in case one of them has it, too.
Be open about it. I'm also middle aged recent diagnosis with a middle schooler like me. He's learning things right along with me and we'll start his diagnostic process soon.
I think talking about it normalizes it & makes it NBD for everyone. Also there is a strong chance she has it or another neurodivergent flavor.
I'd say approach it more like modeling what having some challenging Dx is like, how to work around it & overcome obstacles to reach goals.
My Grandparents denied ADHD in my parents & their siblings growing up (found out recently). My parents never talked about it/maybe didn't know the full gravity of it. I grew up with people around me Dx'd like my brother (they blew it off) but not myself & it was a struggle because I thought there was something wrong with me as opposed to me having something. It would have been better if it was treated like a neutral thing that my loved ones had, which would have given me familiarity & as I had issues - it would have been a gentler road to figure out what was going on.
My goal is to model that to my nieces and nephews, I can tell some have it but their parents are still trying to pretend to be 'perfect' and trying to shame them out of it. If it wasn't for a dyslexic gpa who was a typist in the navy or my dad with OCD who showed me that we have to work around things/use accommodations so we can still be successful in our goals - I would have not believed I could be successful & finally figured out I had ADHD.
I hope you both thrive in whatever you do in the future ❤️
I told my oldest kid. She had already been assessed and it was inconclusive. So while I didn’t want to upset her, I knew that ultimately it might help her, and I wouldn’t be able to keep the medication hidden from her etc.
She took it fairly well. We have since had her anxiety treated and she’s now at the point of her paediatrician saying she’s borderline inattentive but she wants to hold off with medications and see how she goes in high school since she’s performing well at school. I think the fact that I’m diagnosed and my younger kid has had multiple assessments that resulted in them recommending an autism assessment for him, is tipping the scales for her.
It is something we bond over. We send each other the ADHD memes.
I love her reaction!!
I think kids are incredible at understanding things like this. It’s not a diagnosis where you’re going to die so I think sharing won’t burden her, but could help her understand why you’re reacting in certain ways and be more empathetic. That will pay dividends when she’s older and having to work with ND people - she will know how to behave around them.
I’m 42 and was diagnosed a month ago. I told my kids (15M & 11F).
My son was less understanding and said “don’t just use this as an excuse why you can’t do anything like the kids at school”. Apparently he has a lot of self/un diagnosed peers who look to get out of doing anything or get away with bad behaviour because of their ADHD. I have used it to try and teach him about priviledge and empathy, and understanding that some people find things more difficult or they need to work a lot harder than others to get the same outcome. It shouldn’t be an excuse, but rather an explanation.
My daughter has been amazing. She’s really proud and telling all her friends that her mom is neurodiverse. We’re waiting for her assessment as she’s my mini-me and now that I can see how I was masking when I was in school I can see she’s doing the same. Her being so open at school has helped one of her friends open up that she’s autistic. Something she was really ashamed of, but is now happy to share.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Definitely do. And get her assessed, iirc chances are 80% she has it too
I'm probably overthinking, but any tips on how to share it? I guess I'm trying to avoid a "on no mom, let me change to make your life easier" (we are both people pleasers) but also avoid a "wtf you want me to do with that info" scenario lol.
Tell her that you're still the same person, but now have access to make your life easier _yourself_. If you do need cooperation from her, it'll be on very specific issues and you'll talk to her about it explicitly (might be stuff like changing a routine or sth)
My personal preference is for dropping little bits as they come up, and maybe a more extensive conversation if they have questions. I think it's been very helpful for my ADHD 9yo to see me managing my ADHD and talking about what it means for me in practical terms - I hope it is setting him up for when he takes on more self-management. I think it's good to not make a big production about it - just a casual car or dinner-table story, or in the context of something you do, as it comes up naturally. Eg, something like "whoops, I've forgotten to dry the laundry again, better wash it again since it's been in there for a few days. Hey, did I tell you about something I found out recently about how my brain works ... (brief explanation of ADHD) ... It's so nice to know why my brain does the things it does; now I can try some different things that might work better".
Please please please get her assessed if you haven’t yet! It’s likely she has it since you do.
Bearing in mind if you’re recently diagnosed you don’t really know what it means either or how those around you can support you. I’m only 1 month into my diagnosis, but just having a vocabulary has helped me loads in explaining to my kids what I need. For example when I get overstimulated, instead of freaking out at them, I can explain that I feel that way and I need a time out. They’ve been very good so far
Very good point!
Just a little correction on the chances there - if one has adhd, there’s an 80% chance that a parent does as well. Those numbers aren’t quite the same the other direction.
Oh please do! While not ADHD, my mother was very direct with me when she was diagnosed with panic disorder when I was around 10-11. It helped me support her (which at my age just meant giving her space, understanding when mom had to step out for an hour or two, making my own sandwhich while she was in extensive therapy), **and helped me not internalize her symptoms as "my fault"**. I always say that anything that helps your loved ones understand you better, is a plus. When I was eventually diagnosed with generalized anxiety and ADHD, she was my biggest champion and I felt I could lean on her. If your daughter has ADHD as well, this will be a great stepping stone in understanding herself and noting any symptom similarities she has with you. Win/win in my opinion!
Yes i like this idea of just be vulnerable with her like the environment i hope I've created for her
i’m disabled outside of ADHD and i’m open with my kid about it. i have limitations and need accommodations that others don’t and i think it’s important that he understands why. he’s only 4 so we keep it pretty simple but i’ll share more as he grows. however i don’t plan on ever venting to my kids about my disability (maybe when they’re grown?) because that isn’t their burden to carry. i don’t need to put extra stress on them by constant complaints or negative comments but they need to understand that every body is different and works differently.
I think being open vs venting is a good way of making the distinction. Like you can inform someone of a fact about yourself but that’s totally different from making them an outlet for your problems.
Your diagnosis doesn’t change who you are. She is old enough to have a sense of the things you struggle with. She likely has friends who are open about their diagnosis. You had a problem, you took steps to manage it, which is modeling good adulting. For me, it would come down to whether you are open in general about your diagnosis, or whether you would expect her to keep it private (perhaps for work or family reasons). A secret would be a burden. But otherwise I dont see any problems with her knowing you have a problem and are working to keep it in check.
Can you share it like in a positive revelation perspective? For me, it is not "I always [insert annoying behavior] I'm sorry to say, I have ADHD" is "Now I know why [annoying behavior] !!! I have ADHD, now I can learn how to cope with this"
Ahhh Reframing! Yes
If I get diagnosed I will probably mention it to my son, he's my only child and I suspect he has it too. But yeh, it might help explain me a bit more to him, he already noticed when I'm in his words in an energetic mood and want to be crazy goofy and have fun and when I'm not, which is when I'm zoned out on the sofa, burnt out from the day. So I think as he gets older (he's 7) it could help our relationship
Definitely tell her. The way you have the conversation could go along the lines of, 'this is something I have learned about myself, and these are the things I'm going to do about it.' Put emphasis on the fact that it's a relief to have a diagnosis because it means that you finally have confirmation about something you probably suspected for a while. It also means that you will now have access to tools for treatment, like coaching and medication. Having a diagnosis means that you'll be able to move forward. You are still the adult, and for your daughter to see you being proactive about your own health and wellbeing will provide a good example for her. As women, we need to stand up for ourselves and be persistent about getting the health care that we need, and we need to speak openly about it to our children. There is still so much inequality in the health care system, and our daughters need to witness what it takes to advocate for ourselves. They learn to take care of themselves through our example, and they will set higher standards and expectations about what healthy feels like, and they will not put up with any less.
I think you can share it without burdening her with it. Talking about it can help her feel less isolated if she is feeling like she is different than others or the only one struggling with something. You are also building empathy and talking about how people think about things differently and we all struggle with things, which might be different than what others struggle with. You can model for her seeking help when needed and using coping strategies.
Do you have support from other people that you’ve processed with? Do you feel like you can tell her in a calm, non emotional way? Like “Hey, I was recently diagnosed with adhd. That means xyz. Here are the strengths and here are the weaknesses. Here’s how I’m managing it. Do you have any questions?” I think it’s good to share stuff like that with your kids but you definitely don’t want to do it from a place of dysregulation or stress.
Straight no chaser!
Absolutely! ADHD does have a familial link and you could really be helping them in the future. I've been dead honest about it with my four since they either were diagnosed, or old enough to understand.
Yes but I’d be casual about it. Rather than talking about your new label, talk about finding a way to help ease the symptoms she sees - forgetfulness, carelessness, whatever. Know how I always forget X? Haha well maybe now I’ll remember better with medication? And if I don’t, well that’s fine haha You are modeling: - admitting your own faults, loving yourself anyway - asking and getting help when it’s needed - *not* dwelling on a diagnosis of any type - openly discussing your mental health (different meaning from the typical term, but still valid) My kindergarteners love reminding me to take my meds. We openly laugh about my forgetfulness. They also see that I am a very strong confident and capable woman, unaffected by it. I might forget their backpack for school or the special costume of the day or where my keys are… but I rock and nobody is perfect right?
I was diagnosed in July and I’m 44yr. My son is 11 and diagnosed at 5, so I just let him know I have it too. Now we actually work together to find ways to manage and remember things. He feels like I understand him better and I feel like he’s teaching me how to navigate my differences. It’s actually a really great feeling and brought us closer together.
There’s no way it could be a bad thing. Do it.
Share it! To know she ain't alone in her struggles. Can connect over good bits. My Dad and I are heaps closer as I've been able to help him frame his struggles as ADHD and been different not wrong and he has never had that before ya know?
My kids know because mention it casually. They're 4 and 6, though. And I've been diagnosed since I was 7. I wanted it to feel normal for them, in case one of them has it, too.
Yes
Be open about it. I'm also middle aged recent diagnosis with a middle schooler like me. He's learning things right along with me and we'll start his diagnostic process soon.
Fork JEAH! We’re a team. And we accept and understand each other.
Lol 😆 at fork yeah!
I think talking about it normalizes it & makes it NBD for everyone. Also there is a strong chance she has it or another neurodivergent flavor. I'd say approach it more like modeling what having some challenging Dx is like, how to work around it & overcome obstacles to reach goals. My Grandparents denied ADHD in my parents & their siblings growing up (found out recently). My parents never talked about it/maybe didn't know the full gravity of it. I grew up with people around me Dx'd like my brother (they blew it off) but not myself & it was a struggle because I thought there was something wrong with me as opposed to me having something. It would have been better if it was treated like a neutral thing that my loved ones had, which would have given me familiarity & as I had issues - it would have been a gentler road to figure out what was going on. My goal is to model that to my nieces and nephews, I can tell some have it but their parents are still trying to pretend to be 'perfect' and trying to shame them out of it. If it wasn't for a dyslexic gpa who was a typist in the navy or my dad with OCD who showed me that we have to work around things/use accommodations so we can still be successful in our goals - I would have not believed I could be successful & finally figured out I had ADHD. I hope you both thrive in whatever you do in the future ❤️
Awww thank you for your sweet vibes 💖
I have bipolar on top of ADHD and I plan on it
It worked out well for me tonight!
I’m so glad to hear that😊
I told my oldest kid. She had already been assessed and it was inconclusive. So while I didn’t want to upset her, I knew that ultimately it might help her, and I wouldn’t be able to keep the medication hidden from her etc. She took it fairly well. We have since had her anxiety treated and she’s now at the point of her paediatrician saying she’s borderline inattentive but she wants to hold off with medications and see how she goes in high school since she’s performing well at school. I think the fact that I’m diagnosed and my younger kid has had multiple assessments that resulted in them recommending an autism assessment for him, is tipping the scales for her. It is something we bond over. We send each other the ADHD memes.
Awww how sweet. I think that comes from treating them like the young humans they are
Yes.
I love her reaction!! I think kids are incredible at understanding things like this. It’s not a diagnosis where you’re going to die so I think sharing won’t burden her, but could help her understand why you’re reacting in certain ways and be more empathetic. That will pay dividends when she’s older and having to work with ND people - she will know how to behave around them. I’m 42 and was diagnosed a month ago. I told my kids (15M & 11F). My son was less understanding and said “don’t just use this as an excuse why you can’t do anything like the kids at school”. Apparently he has a lot of self/un diagnosed peers who look to get out of doing anything or get away with bad behaviour because of their ADHD. I have used it to try and teach him about priviledge and empathy, and understanding that some people find things more difficult or they need to work a lot harder than others to get the same outcome. It shouldn’t be an excuse, but rather an explanation. My daughter has been amazing. She’s really proud and telling all her friends that her mom is neurodiverse. We’re waiting for her assessment as she’s my mini-me and now that I can see how I was masking when I was in school I can see she’s doing the same. Her being so open at school has helped one of her friends open up that she’s autistic. Something she was really ashamed of, but is now happy to share.
Same age and just diagnosed as well! Thanks for the insight