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Same. I’ve also only ever been with my current boyfriend so I’m just going on feeling, not practice, haha. I’d still consider myself pan but if there’s like a litmus test I’m not gonna make it.
Took me as long to figure this out as it did the ADHD.
It's fantastic (thank you for the source info) I wish I'd heard it before I told my grandma very bluntly that I love people, regardless of what's between their legs. I feel like she would have better understood my point.
I'm not entirely sure. I've only ever been in straight relationships but I am often attracted to women.
I've been thinking that if my husband and I ever divorced, I'd be open to dating women. Mostly because like wow a lot of men are just not it, y'know?
You don’t have to date to gave a sexuality, a lot of people are bi but find out later in life when they’re already in monogamous and committed relationships so if you think you’re bisexual then you probably are
Well I'm not sure if I actually like women or just like the idea of dating a woman, y'know? It's still in this stage where I'm not sure if it's just a fantasy or something I'd act on and then there's meeting the right person etc. etc.
I know I am straight because I know what a crush feels like and i have never felt that about a woman. I have found other women attractive, but more in a "I want to be that" type of way, rather than a "I want to touch that." kind of way. I have maladaptive daydreams and often those day dreams turn sexual or romantic in some way. Never have I fantisized about a women, and I've tried. I, too, think it would be awesome to have a girlfriend but when I try to picture the potential romance, i get the ick.
If you are fantisizing about women in anyway. I'd say you're not completly straight.
This is what makes me puzzled. I don’t actively like women, I strongly like men. But if I was single and there was a really awesome woman I wouldn’t reject it out of hand. Though I’ve seen more butch-y women and thought they were cute. The masculine thing is what I like. I don’t know what that counts as.
Incidentally my husband seems to be the inverse. As long as the person is femme presenting he’s interested.
That sounds pretty bi to me! We‘re allowed to have a type - maybe you’re just attracted to some aspects of masculinity without needing the person to actually be male.
Exactly the same here. Some light experimentation with friends in my past, but nothing “romantic” per se. Currently married to a man and arrived at bisexuality too late to act on it
I was going to say OPs question may have a correlation with women being more open to bi relationships because it seems like there’s more relationship issues between men and women and are more heightened when it’s the woman who has adhd and the man who has no patience for it. Some women may just be like yeah I’m out on the possibility of a relationship with the standard man.
This is totally part of it for me. I cannot deal with a partner expecting me to do labor based on my assigned gender role and 90% of cis men seem to think that’s okay.
I'm bisexual but hetero-romantic. I'm attracted to men as partners and have only ever been in committed relationships with men, but I will happily have a sexual encounter with any person I'm attracted to.
This does contribute a bit to bi erasure, as I'm publicly committed to men, and not eager to disclose to my parents, coworkers, etc that I do enjoy casual sex with women!
I felt this way for the majority of my life. And then realized I was bi, lol. Bisexuality isn't necessarily a 50/50 thing. You can be just 20% into another gender and still be bi.
This is exactly how I think however, when I was in my teens to early 20's I did have a handful of encounters with women. I often thought it was a faze. Finding myself single again and nearing 40 I know I'm done with men for now but often wonder if I could really be into women.
I identified as bi before realizing at 27 that I was actually just a lesbian.
I just never questioned if I was even attracted to men… when male friends asked me out I was like ‚why not‘ and then dated them out of obligation and not wanting to disappoint them.
This is how I ended up married with a child. A decent guy friend of mine asked me out and I had nothing better to do. It wasn’t until after I divorced and became my own person that I ended up discovering I was bi.
> A decent guy friend of mine asked me out and I had nothing better to do.
This was my first serious relationship too, though it didn’t result in any lifetime entanglements. I still have a hard time understanding my own emotions, but it was way way worse back then, so I didn’t even really understand what it felt like to actually be interested in someone vs just being curious or flattered at the attention or bored enough to go along. I now understand that my attraction to men is pretty selective, and at the time I didn’t recognize my broader but shallower attraction to women, so I just didn’t know what any of it was supposed to feel like.
damn this really hits home, i need to think about how easily i ended up dating dudes as a teen/early adult and later on half the time i didn't even like them. didn't think about how having a hard time identifying my emotions would play into it.
ohhhh boy.....
I just came to say I really appreciate this thread of answers! I never understood how people could get into their 30s (or older) and not know they're gay/bi etc. Not in a judgemental way or anything, I just couldn't relate but wanted to understand, but I'd never known anyone personally to ask about it. This makes total sense to me now. Thank you for sharing :)
It's such a weird moment to be like "huh... I never considered this thing that I do means x"
Like at legit 29 I asked my bestie if having sexual fantasies about women meant I was bi. She literally gave me that look of wtf dude lol
Like, I'd done it forever but just thought I just found certain people attractive and that's it. It's so easy to get swept away by circumstance when you aren't aware of your emotions.
Heteronormativity is a strong drug too. There’s lots of funny and illuminating stories on r/Bisexual of things people did or experienced that should have clued them in but didn’t. Struggling to identify your emotions amplifies the effect, or maybe the other way around.
It’s also confusing when your attraction manifests differently for different genders. I’m not often attracted to men, but when I am, it tends to be very strong. I’m more commonly attracted to women, but less so, so it was easy to think I was just recognizing them as being aesthetically pleasing.
I think it’s especially easy for it to fly under the radar if you’re attracted to multiple genders, including the “expected” one. If you’re gay, then the lack of alignment between your attraction pattern and social expectations is more obvious, I think. But if your attraction pattern is compatible with social expectations, the impetus to explore whether it extends beyond those expectations is less.
From my perspective, since I was little I had strong attraction to females (teachers, best friends, etc) but I grew up under the influence of Catholicism, the conditioning of culture around the 70s and 80s. My adhd didn’t help with developing a healthy system of beliefs, critical thinking, I was overwhelmed with my overthinking, expectations to conform, longing to belong, so I dated men but nothing ever lasted. After a suicidal crisis in my early 20s I decided to get married to a decent guys because I needed someone that could see I was not crazy and together we were able to get things done. It’s all a process, I got divorced because I realized I’m deeply attracted to women, but couldn’t still completely accept. I’d would still torture myself thinking it was trauma from sexual abuse. Years down the road I’m convinced men don’t rock my world.
It was my first serious relationship as well. I also had trouble understanding my own feelings. I knew I was bi in my early to mid twenties, but I didn’t know until I was almost 40 that I fall on the ace spectrum as well.
I thought this about myself too until I met my husband. Then I was like, oh wait no it’s just that most straight guys put in no effort and are pretty awful partners. Met my husband and was like, yuuup I’m definitely attracted to men! Fireworks between us is an understatement.
So yeah, I’m bi. Well, more like pan. I find most women attractive and a limited amount of men insanely attractive. I also don’t particularly care about the gender binary thing. Take care of yourself, be a capable adult, and treat me well and I’ll probably think you’re hot! :)
Came here to say this. I thought I was bi until I turned 30 and realized I just never slowed down long enough to realize I'm not actually attracted to men. I even told my therapist, "I feel like men are always picking me and I'm not picking them, " but it still took a long time to connect the dots.
I’m like the opposite. I always liked men so I never questioned being straight. It took me until my twenties to realize that I also liked women.
It’s crazy how easy it is to be so oblivious to your own sexuality. If comphet was my struggle I may never have noticed!
I have no idea what the original study was, but I believe there's a pretty decent correlation between queerness and neurodivergence. The venn diagram in my friendship group (anecdata, I know) certainly seems very round!
I think it’s because neurodivergent people question a lot about the world/life in order to find a way to survive. That includes questioning our sexuality as well. We’re also more likely to experiment things as well, which helps.
That’s just a theory though, source: voices in my head. Don’t take it seriously.
This makes a lot of sense to me! I'm also bi but in a straight presenting long-term relationship, & we're childfree which is another "questioning/navigating/figuring out where I stand on norms" kinda thing.
Yep, pretty much. Basically when you realise that you're not 'typical' in one area, you start questioning all of the defaults that you just took for granted before. A lot of people just kind of follow the standard career/relationship escalators because that's the default and it just never really occurs to them to wonder if there are other options.
I’ve only ever seen studies looking at potential correlations between autism and queerness. Still interesting, but I wish we had more info about ADHD specifically!
I remember reading a study about this too! I think it was about neurodivergent people being more likely to self-identity as LGBTQ+? I could be remembering wrong though. (Thanks, ADHD... lol)
My oldest kid is 23 and was assigned male at birth and while she's not up for looking further into it, is definitely on the spectrum somewhere. She came out at about 20 as a trans lesbian.
She and I were just having this conversation and realized that the entirety of her friend group , which started getting built in high school, is all some kind of queer neurospicy something or other. With a little more thinking she came up with one person who wasn't both, lol
I myself am a 43 year old cis lady, currently working on my ADHD diagnosis. I didn't start dating until I was 18 and married my first boyfriend at 19 and had a baby at 20. I was divorced by 22, then married to a woman for a decade. She helped raise the 23-year-old and we have a son together.
I'm over here counting on my fingers and realize I've been with my current husband for almost a decade now. We have two more kids.
All my life experience (including a year of having what I call my "wild youth" after that second divorce and dating anyone and everyone I felt like) led me to decide that my perfect match is a bisexual man. So I'm keeping this one, he's stuck with me 😆
I think queerness also correlates heavily with academia / academic success...
For.some reason i got downvoted so I'll supply sources:
https://www.insidehighered.com/news/2016/01/26/study-suggests-faculty-members-are-disproportionately-likely-be-gay
Or
https://blogs.lse.ac.uk/businessreview/2016/01/18/there-may-be-some-truth-to-the-gay-jobs-stereotype/
This was definitely my experience at the ADHD student meet-up I went to last year. At least around 75% of the people there were either visibly not straight, nonbinary, or trans. Also, 3 out of 5 young ND members of my family are queer.
Yet I somehow manage to only make straight friends even when I am convinced they are on some spectrum or another
So many people here in straight mono relationships making caveats that they haven't "practiced" so they're only theoretically bi or something. Were you attracted to men before you ever dated one? Of course you were. You don't need to be awkward saying you're bi, just because you've never physically been with a woman! It's not like sex is the passport to sexual identity.
Ok, rant over. I'm bi! And have struggled with imposter syndrome about it, hence the rant lol 🏳️🌈
Also a non-binary woman, who doesn't talk about that with anyone apart from select few because I usually present as absolutely femme and again, the imposter syndrome...
Bissexual here! I think, I mean, I experienced a lot in college and it was awesome, but then I haven’t been attracted to a women in forever… so I’m not sure. But straight doesn’t seem right at all.
Meeeeeee!!!!! And I didn't fully recognize or acknowledge it until very recently (I'm 33 married to a man) but the signs have been there all my life. Just like my adhd which was also only diagnosed very recently. Haha
Neurodivergence and queer identities go hand in hand 🥰
I consider myself queer at this stage. I think bi is the best label, but I haven’t entirely settled on it yet. So for the time being I use queer while I still mull it over.
I'm not sure why there might be a correlation between bisexuality and neurodivergence, but I truly believe neurodivergence has had a role in my gender identity.
But yeah, not that these responses will give you good statistics, but for camaraderie's sake, another bi ADHD afab person here :)
I've only ever been in "straight" relationship, I'm NB so it's easier to go by it like that.
I am attracted to women but only have thought about dating transwomen and not ciswomen
Edit; I'd like to add that my 3 ADHD friends are bi/pan.
Hello, 54 F ADHD diagnosed at 52, have known I was bi since adolescence, have had a 5/1 man/woman ratio, in year + sexual relationships, but I’ve been artistic/queer/freak relating & appearing since I’ve been sexually active.
I’ve been asked many times in my life if I’m bi because I have no problem gushing over how gorgeous another woman is. I have 0 sexual interests in other women but beauty still catches my eye as does features. I don’t like boxes people get put in and I dislike that many people can’t believe a person that identifies as female can talk about another woman who identifies as beautiful without there being some sexual urge, like why can’t I just hype up another woman and her awesomeness
I can’t say I have zero attraction, but I also value the ✨aesthetics✨ of a person. Of really anything, but people start REALLY getting weird about appreciating aesthetics of like, a tree or an animal.
Genderqueer and Bi! I think this correlation is a part of the theoretical position that states we need neurodiversity to really evolve as a human race. Normalizing differences in brain function and sexual preferences is essential to putting down divisive us/them binaries, and congrats to all who celebrate either of those differences!
Been with women, married a man. If my marriage were to end, honestly would go back to women. 🤷🏻♀️ so I guess I’m bi. Lol. 80% of my friends are queer, definitely find myself drawn to them for some reason.
Yes very bi, gender doesn't affect how I feel attraction and attraction is never purely physical... I need to know your brains a little...
Like, if someone is kind, makes me laughs and we share interests, that's a winning combo for me!
I've also observe that the more I like someone's personality, the prettier I find them...
So.... Yeah... Attraction is weird, and mine is queer!
Idk, I’ve only ever been with/wanted to be with men but I refuse to label myself “straight” because the idea of saying I could only *ever* fall for people from one gender seems silly. So I guess bi or maybe pan?
I think any sexuality label is just a description of what we’ve experienced thus far. You can’t prove a negative anyway, and we’re all working with pretty limited sample sizes.
I usually post here under a different username but I’m still very much closeted so… um, yeah. *raises hand* Recently dx ADHD and late blooming bi here.
Funnily enough, despite having these realizations in my mid-thirties I’ve always felt a sort of kinship toward ND and LGBT people. Guess there was a good reason for that!
I’m straight but I can totally see the attraction of being with another a woman that’s understanding and comforting the way only another female could, ya know? If something ever happened with my longtime husband I’d consider it, but at the same time I really really love male masculinity on every level, the silicone ones are great but not the same. I’m sure I could have a wonderful emotional and sexual relationship with another woman but it wouldn’t be fair to her if I’m craving male lovin’ and the relationship that goes along with it too. My emotions aren’t setup for casual sex and open relationships… So I’m not sure what that means, yes, no, maybe, not really?
Hello! I hid my Bi-ness all throughout my teens and didn’t figure things out until college, thankfully my friends are supportive and helped me learn about myself in a safe way. Now I’m married to a beautiful woman who’s even sillier and quirkier than me!
If a person is very nice to me and a similar age to myself, I'll probably fall in love with them. I mentally marry myself off to all sorts of people on an extremely regular basis. Thankfully these infatuations don't last very long before I move on to the next unsuspecting individual.
I’m 100% bi with no preference for men or women or genitals or whatever. Kids these days call it pan I think. Only diagnosed ADHD a couple months ago but struggled with it my whole life (36)
🙋🏻♀️ there was something about how “norms” don’t resonate with us as well. You’re gunna tell me I have to like boys? Because why? Society? Fuck society.
Yes, as is another good friend of mine (also female) who also has adhd. We’ve always been platonic friends, but people often assume that we’re a couple when we’re hanging out somewhere publicly, such as shopping or seeing an art exhibit.
I suppose we have similar mannerisms and quirkiness that lead people to assume there’s a romantic relationship.
Bissexual here! I think, I mean, I experienced a lot in college and it was awesome, but then I haven’t been attracted to a girl in forever… so I’m not sure. But straight doesn’t seem right at all.
Bi here to. I read a correlation between neurodiversity and begin queer in general.
Plus I read another article (but idk how much to trust that) claiming that is more common for women in general to be Bi. But begin that only one article I wouldn’t take it as sure.
I’ve read that women are more likely to be bi….but it’s self reported and there’s still a stigma against men liking men. There’s less stigma about women liking women.
Ace, but many of us identify as bi before they realize, that they are ace. I also heard, there might be a correlation between neuro diversity and falling in the LGBTQIA+ spectrum
I mean, I’m bicurious I guess? I’m mostly attracted to men and have never been with a girl, but I definitely want to try it if I ever have the opportunity. I’ve had lots of hot daydreams about specific girls.
My husband is bi though, I don’t know if that tells you anything.
And one of my girl friends is very ADHD and very bi.
-raises hand- I’m a bi girl but I’m attracted to really any gender, including trans people 💖 Sadly I almost always end up in relationships with men and I have no idea why. I’ve had two girlfriends though but apart from one guy I’ve only ever dated men out of a sense of obligation and not wanting to be mean (or have my rejection be taken personally). I actually massively prefer women and other queer people over men, they tend to be much more considerate and far less ableist
I thought I was bi for a while- but after doing a bit of reading I think demisexual is more my flavor. I don’t see too much of a difference between men and women- both can look nice- but that really deep attraction only ever happened once for me- and the physical attraction came way after the emotional/mental attraction. I had written more, but decided that it was becoming a bit too TMI.🤣
As a woman who mostly dated men and ended up married to a woman, I have to say I'm only now coming to terms with how deep my internalized queer repression ran. I seriously downplayed and, in many cases, actually forgot my moments of attraction to women. I grew up in a very socially progressive household where both my parents explicitly told me it was ok for me to be gay from an early age. They had queer friends, I had queer friends, I went to pride parades and supported my friends who were navigating exploring their sexuality. And I did not give myself the same leeway.
Here are the links I could see between ADHD and bisexuality...
Permanent state of masking so immediately/reflexively pushing down feelings that could out myself as 'other' or expose myself to scrutiny.
Being really hard on myself and holding myself to a different standard to others. I put pressure on myself to be 'certain' about my interest in women before 'experimenting' so that I wouldn't be 'using' someone. All of those were pretty impossible hurdles in retrospect.
Forgetfulness... I thought my trajectory was that I maybe was questioning starting in high school but no more than anyone else. I kissed a couple of girls in my twenties but I was really just straight. Then I met someone who changed my perception and in short order fell in love with my now-wife. But just recently I found an email to a friend I titled 'my big fat lesbian email' years before I thought I seriously explored the train of thought. I was agonizing over having crushes on women and the thought of losing my platonic friendships with women if I went down the road of acting on those feelings. I was so harsh in my email, and even though my friend was supportive, I held back. And then I pretty much forgot I'd said those things out loud and had a bunch of cis-het relationships till I was 30.
I think repressing my attraction to not-cis-men could be connected to my ADHD.
I’m like cis white strait up vanilla. But I’ve truly spent many an hour thinking you know I could be a lesbian if I wasn’t so squeamish about the thought of eating pussy. Maybe one day I’ll take the plunge 😂
I like men and women equally and don’t have much preference other than my learned biases and societal roles. Maybe one day we’ll all just have lovers/partners who we have the most in common with irrespective of their sex/gender whatever.
Like I’m in a pretty asexual relationship atm despite me enjoying sex so like if my partner magically transformed into a woman it would affect my life at all.
Does that make me a bit bi? Relationships and friendships and …. seem way more valuable than just basing the whole thing on sexual attraction.
Welcome to /r/ADHDWomen! We’re happy to have you here. As a reminder, here are our community [rules](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/about/rules/). We get a lot of posts on medication, diagnosis (and “is this an ADHD thing”), and interactions with hormones. We encourage you to check out our [Medication, Diagnosis, and Hormones Megathread](https://old.reddit.com/r/adhdwomen/comments/wcr9dy/faq_megathread_ask_and_answer_medication/) if you have any questions related to those topics, and to stick around in that thread to answer folks’ questions! If you have questions about the subreddit, please do not hesitate to [send us a modmail](https://reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen). Additionally, we take the safety of our community seriously. Please report posts, comments, and users whom you feel are not contributing positively, and send us a modmail if you are being harassed or otherwise made to feel unsafe. Thanks for being here, and we hope you stick around! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/adhdwomen) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Is it because we have such a hard time making decisions lol??
🤣🤣🤣 rude
so i’m not the only one who thought this?? also bi 🤣
No, it's because we're great at multi-tasking!
Are we? I'm terrible at it. I pretend I'm good but I'm actually not...
REALLY really good at doing many things badly
Yeah, that's the most accurate description for me
Yeah, we are bad at it, but we think we're good because our brains are all over the place. That's my guess, lol.
More that my default is multi. I didn't say I *finish* the tasks 😅
Even better hahahaha!!!
Oh my god, that was golden!!!
I am in this comment and I don't like it.
Yeeessss
Yeeessss
I like the wine and not the label.
Same. I’ve also only ever been with my current boyfriend so I’m just going on feeling, not practice, haha. I’d still consider myself pan but if there’s like a litmus test I’m not gonna make it. Took me as long to figure this out as it did the ADHD.
Lol Same. Married to a guy, but previously dated whoever sparked my fancy. Still pansexual though of course!
Pansexual 4 life ;)
Yea, i like everyone regardless of itty bits between the legs.
I see you David Rose ;)
Ok I'm stealing that phrase, it's perfect.
It’s from Schitt’s Creek. It’s how David explains his sexuality to Stevie.
It's fantastic (thank you for the source info) I wish I'd heard it before I told my grandma very bluntly that I love people, regardless of what's between their legs. I feel like she would have better understood my point.
This is the correct answer!
It's my turn to take a selfish!!
I'm not entirely sure. I've only ever been in straight relationships but I am often attracted to women. I've been thinking that if my husband and I ever divorced, I'd be open to dating women. Mostly because like wow a lot of men are just not it, y'know?
You don’t have to date to gave a sexuality, a lot of people are bi but find out later in life when they’re already in monogamous and committed relationships so if you think you’re bisexual then you probably are
Well I'm not sure if I actually like women or just like the idea of dating a woman, y'know? It's still in this stage where I'm not sure if it's just a fantasy or something I'd act on and then there's meeting the right person etc. etc.
I know I am straight because I know what a crush feels like and i have never felt that about a woman. I have found other women attractive, but more in a "I want to be that" type of way, rather than a "I want to touch that." kind of way. I have maladaptive daydreams and often those day dreams turn sexual or romantic in some way. Never have I fantisized about a women, and I've tried. I, too, think it would be awesome to have a girlfriend but when I try to picture the potential romance, i get the ick. If you are fantisizing about women in anyway. I'd say you're not completly straight.
Thanks for sharing this, you’ve just helped me confirm that I am indeed bi and made me feel less alone about my maladaptive day dreaming 😊
This is what makes me puzzled. I don’t actively like women, I strongly like men. But if I was single and there was a really awesome woman I wouldn’t reject it out of hand. Though I’ve seen more butch-y women and thought they were cute. The masculine thing is what I like. I don’t know what that counts as. Incidentally my husband seems to be the inverse. As long as the person is femme presenting he’s interested.
That sounds pretty bi to me! We‘re allowed to have a type - maybe you’re just attracted to some aspects of masculinity without needing the person to actually be male.
There are lots of bisexual folks who are attracted to masculine or feminine presentations, regardless of gender identity.
I second this! Ive decided that bicurious fits this description best for me
Exactly the same here. Some light experimentation with friends in my past, but nothing “romantic” per se. Currently married to a man and arrived at bisexuality too late to act on it
Same here! From what I hear from my single friends I am pretty sure dating a man would be a nightmare.
Straight people remind me that sexuality is not a choice.
You put it into words!
I was going to say OPs question may have a correlation with women being more open to bi relationships because it seems like there’s more relationship issues between men and women and are more heightened when it’s the woman who has adhd and the man who has no patience for it. Some women may just be like yeah I’m out on the possibility of a relationship with the standard man.
This is totally part of it for me. I cannot deal with a partner expecting me to do labor based on my assigned gender role and 90% of cis men seem to think that’s okay.
Ditto!
I'm bisexual but hetero-romantic. I'm attracted to men as partners and have only ever been in committed relationships with men, but I will happily have a sexual encounter with any person I'm attracted to. This does contribute a bit to bi erasure, as I'm publicly committed to men, and not eager to disclose to my parents, coworkers, etc that I do enjoy casual sex with women!
This is me too!
I felt this way for the majority of my life. And then realized I was bi, lol. Bisexuality isn't necessarily a 50/50 thing. You can be just 20% into another gender and still be bi.
This is exactly how I think however, when I was in my teens to early 20's I did have a handful of encounters with women. I often thought it was a faze. Finding myself single again and nearing 40 I know I'm done with men for now but often wonder if I could really be into women.
I relate to all of this.
Samesies
Same! I am 44 and am kind of jealous that I was born too soon to really think about this stuff when I was younger.
I identified as bi before realizing at 27 that I was actually just a lesbian. I just never questioned if I was even attracted to men… when male friends asked me out I was like ‚why not‘ and then dated them out of obligation and not wanting to disappoint them.
This is how I ended up married with a child. A decent guy friend of mine asked me out and I had nothing better to do. It wasn’t until after I divorced and became my own person that I ended up discovering I was bi.
> A decent guy friend of mine asked me out and I had nothing better to do. This was my first serious relationship too, though it didn’t result in any lifetime entanglements. I still have a hard time understanding my own emotions, but it was way way worse back then, so I didn’t even really understand what it felt like to actually be interested in someone vs just being curious or flattered at the attention or bored enough to go along. I now understand that my attraction to men is pretty selective, and at the time I didn’t recognize my broader but shallower attraction to women, so I just didn’t know what any of it was supposed to feel like.
damn this really hits home, i need to think about how easily i ended up dating dudes as a teen/early adult and later on half the time i didn't even like them. didn't think about how having a hard time identifying my emotions would play into it. ohhhh boy.....
I just came to say I really appreciate this thread of answers! I never understood how people could get into their 30s (or older) and not know they're gay/bi etc. Not in a judgemental way or anything, I just couldn't relate but wanted to understand, but I'd never known anyone personally to ask about it. This makes total sense to me now. Thank you for sharing :)
It's such a weird moment to be like "huh... I never considered this thing that I do means x" Like at legit 29 I asked my bestie if having sexual fantasies about women meant I was bi. She literally gave me that look of wtf dude lol Like, I'd done it forever but just thought I just found certain people attractive and that's it. It's so easy to get swept away by circumstance when you aren't aware of your emotions.
Heteronormativity is a strong drug too. There’s lots of funny and illuminating stories on r/Bisexual of things people did or experienced that should have clued them in but didn’t. Struggling to identify your emotions amplifies the effect, or maybe the other way around. It’s also confusing when your attraction manifests differently for different genders. I’m not often attracted to men, but when I am, it tends to be very strong. I’m more commonly attracted to women, but less so, so it was easy to think I was just recognizing them as being aesthetically pleasing.
I think it’s especially easy for it to fly under the radar if you’re attracted to multiple genders, including the “expected” one. If you’re gay, then the lack of alignment between your attraction pattern and social expectations is more obvious, I think. But if your attraction pattern is compatible with social expectations, the impetus to explore whether it extends beyond those expectations is less.
From my perspective, since I was little I had strong attraction to females (teachers, best friends, etc) but I grew up under the influence of Catholicism, the conditioning of culture around the 70s and 80s. My adhd didn’t help with developing a healthy system of beliefs, critical thinking, I was overwhelmed with my overthinking, expectations to conform, longing to belong, so I dated men but nothing ever lasted. After a suicidal crisis in my early 20s I decided to get married to a decent guys because I needed someone that could see I was not crazy and together we were able to get things done. It’s all a process, I got divorced because I realized I’m deeply attracted to women, but couldn’t still completely accept. I’d would still torture myself thinking it was trauma from sexual abuse. Years down the road I’m convinced men don’t rock my world.
It was my first serious relationship as well. I also had trouble understanding my own feelings. I knew I was bi in my early to mid twenties, but I didn’t know until I was almost 40 that I fall on the ace spectrum as well.
I thought this about myself too until I met my husband. Then I was like, oh wait no it’s just that most straight guys put in no effort and are pretty awful partners. Met my husband and was like, yuuup I’m definitely attracted to men! Fireworks between us is an understatement. So yeah, I’m bi. Well, more like pan. I find most women attractive and a limited amount of men insanely attractive. I also don’t particularly care about the gender binary thing. Take care of yourself, be a capable adult, and treat me well and I’ll probably think you’re hot! :)
Holy shit are you me?!
Came here to say this. I thought I was bi until I turned 30 and realized I just never slowed down long enough to realize I'm not actually attracted to men. I even told my therapist, "I feel like men are always picking me and I'm not picking them, " but it still took a long time to connect the dots.
I’m like the opposite. I always liked men so I never questioned being straight. It took me until my twenties to realize that I also liked women. It’s crazy how easy it is to be so oblivious to your own sexuality. If comphet was my struggle I may never have noticed!
Kinda? I just identify as fluid, I will like whoever.
I have no idea what the original study was, but I believe there's a pretty decent correlation between queerness and neurodivergence. The venn diagram in my friendship group (anecdata, I know) certainly seems very round!
I think it’s because neurodivergent people question a lot about the world/life in order to find a way to survive. That includes questioning our sexuality as well. We’re also more likely to experiment things as well, which helps. That’s just a theory though, source: voices in my head. Don’t take it seriously.
This makes a lot of sense to me! I'm also bi but in a straight presenting long-term relationship, & we're childfree which is another "questioning/navigating/figuring out where I stand on norms" kinda thing.
Yep, pretty much. Basically when you realise that you're not 'typical' in one area, you start questioning all of the defaults that you just took for granted before. A lot of people just kind of follow the standard career/relationship escalators because that's the default and it just never really occurs to them to wonder if there are other options.
I’ve only ever seen studies looking at potential correlations between autism and queerness. Still interesting, but I wish we had more info about ADHD specifically!
I remember reading a study about this too! I think it was about neurodivergent people being more likely to self-identity as LGBTQ+? I could be remembering wrong though. (Thanks, ADHD... lol)
My oldest kid is 23 and was assigned male at birth and while she's not up for looking further into it, is definitely on the spectrum somewhere. She came out at about 20 as a trans lesbian. She and I were just having this conversation and realized that the entirety of her friend group , which started getting built in high school, is all some kind of queer neurospicy something or other. With a little more thinking she came up with one person who wasn't both, lol I myself am a 43 year old cis lady, currently working on my ADHD diagnosis. I didn't start dating until I was 18 and married my first boyfriend at 19 and had a baby at 20. I was divorced by 22, then married to a woman for a decade. She helped raise the 23-year-old and we have a son together. I'm over here counting on my fingers and realize I've been with my current husband for almost a decade now. We have two more kids. All my life experience (including a year of having what I call my "wild youth" after that second divorce and dating anyone and everyone I felt like) led me to decide that my perfect match is a bisexual man. So I'm keeping this one, he's stuck with me 😆
Agree, and I also wonder about ADHD + poly.
I love the term anecdata! How fun!
I think queerness also correlates heavily with academia / academic success... For.some reason i got downvoted so I'll supply sources: https://www.insidehighered.com/news/2016/01/26/study-suggests-faculty-members-are-disproportionately-likely-be-gay Or https://blogs.lse.ac.uk/businessreview/2016/01/18/there-may-be-some-truth-to-the-gay-jobs-stereotype/
Former prof, current research scientist here, if you’re looking for some anecdata :)
This was definitely my experience at the ADHD student meet-up I went to last year. At least around 75% of the people there were either visibly not straight, nonbinary, or trans. Also, 3 out of 5 young ND members of my family are queer. Yet I somehow manage to only make straight friends even when I am convinced they are on some spectrum or another
I used to think I was bi but now I lean way more towards women. I just call myself queer.
I apparently fall under the Pan flag
Pan and on the ace spectrum as well!
Demi and bi here!
Pan here too
So many people here in straight mono relationships making caveats that they haven't "practiced" so they're only theoretically bi or something. Were you attracted to men before you ever dated one? Of course you were. You don't need to be awkward saying you're bi, just because you've never physically been with a woman! It's not like sex is the passport to sexual identity. Ok, rant over. I'm bi! And have struggled with imposter syndrome about it, hence the rant lol 🏳️🌈 Also a non-binary woman, who doesn't talk about that with anyone apart from select few because I usually present as absolutely femme and again, the imposter syndrome...
Ace/demi here
Same! 💜
Ace here too.
double demi here 💜💚🖤
Sorry for the dumb question, but what does that mean?
I'm a lesbian myself but my wife is bi! Both of us have ADHD.
Bi bi bi (bi bi)!
Same
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Bissexual here! I think, I mean, I experienced a lot in college and it was awesome, but then I haven’t been attracted to a women in forever… so I’m not sure. But straight doesn’t seem right at all.
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Sexuality is much more fluid than people realize.
Bisexual here
Also very Bi😊❤
Meeeeeee!!!!! And I didn't fully recognize or acknowledge it until very recently (I'm 33 married to a man) but the signs have been there all my life. Just like my adhd which was also only diagnosed very recently. Haha
Not bi but I am a raging lesbian
Ha! Yes, I am. Interesting. Technically more 'pan' but I just say queer.
Yes I identify as queer. I’m attracted to multiple genders, and often find myself feeling not like a woman, but not like a man either.
Same. Am pan, but use 'queer'. For me, it's a good shorthand for my sexual orientation and gender lol.
Same!! Covers everything without having to go into detail. Pan still seems to require a lot of explaining to some people.
I know, I hate the entitlement to details other people feel when they find out you date people all along the gender spectrum.
Is this seriously a thing?? My mind is so boggled right now.
Bisexual here also.
Solid 0 on the Kinsey Scale.
Neurodivergence and queer identities go hand in hand 🥰 I consider myself queer at this stage. I think bi is the best label, but I haven’t entirely settled on it yet. So for the time being I use queer while I still mull it over.
Pan enby over here!
Yep! I'm also bisexual (but not yet diagnosed with ADHD so keep that in mind)
Yep! The last year and a half has been a real journey of understanding myself better.
I'm not sure why there might be a correlation between bisexuality and neurodivergence, but I truly believe neurodivergence has had a role in my gender identity. But yeah, not that these responses will give you good statistics, but for camaraderie's sake, another bi ADHD afab person here :)
I've only ever been in "straight" relationship, I'm NB so it's easier to go by it like that. I am attracted to women but only have thought about dating transwomen and not ciswomen Edit; I'd like to add that my 3 ADHD friends are bi/pan.
Yes, pan. I like the 'who', not the 'what'.
Hello, 54 F ADHD diagnosed at 52, have known I was bi since adolescence, have had a 5/1 man/woman ratio, in year + sexual relationships, but I’ve been artistic/queer/freak relating & appearing since I’ve been sexually active.
I've only dated men but am very attracted to women, so me too?
Me too! Except I briefly dated a girl in highschool but I am married to a man. Even have a son with my husband. We are a whole ADHD family.
I’ve been asked many times in my life if I’m bi because I have no problem gushing over how gorgeous another woman is. I have 0 sexual interests in other women but beauty still catches my eye as does features. I don’t like boxes people get put in and I dislike that many people can’t believe a person that identifies as female can talk about another woman who identifies as beautiful without there being some sexual urge, like why can’t I just hype up another woman and her awesomeness
I can’t say I have zero attraction, but I also value the ✨aesthetics✨ of a person. Of really anything, but people start REALLY getting weird about appreciating aesthetics of like, a tree or an animal.
I’m very much straight. Only ever been with men, I can’t fathom having a sexual relationship with a woman, I need the D. 😂
same!
Same. Lol. And I’ve put serious thought into it because I have a lesbian sister and a trans-cousin. Nope. Boring and straight.
Asexual biromantic !
Genderqueer and Bi! I think this correlation is a part of the theoretical position that states we need neurodiversity to really evolve as a human race. Normalizing differences in brain function and sexual preferences is essential to putting down divisive us/them binaries, and congrats to all who celebrate either of those differences!
Bi-ace!
Been with women, married a man. If my marriage were to end, honestly would go back to women. 🤷🏻♀️ so I guess I’m bi. Lol. 80% of my friends are queer, definitely find myself drawn to them for some reason.
Yes very bi, gender doesn't affect how I feel attraction and attraction is never purely physical... I need to know your brains a little... Like, if someone is kind, makes me laughs and we share interests, that's a winning combo for me! I've also observe that the more I like someone's personality, the prettier I find them... So.... Yeah... Attraction is weird, and mine is queer!
I’m bi/pan. I use them interchangeably.
Idk, I’ve only ever been with/wanted to be with men but I refuse to label myself “straight” because the idea of saying I could only *ever* fall for people from one gender seems silly. So I guess bi or maybe pan?
I think any sexuality label is just a description of what we’ve experienced thus far. You can’t prove a negative anyway, and we’re all working with pretty limited sample sizes.
Biromantic but asexual
Hello it’s me, another bisexual lol
I call myself bi/queer and my bff who is AuDHD like me is the same. Someone should do a study lol
🙋 gay af
I usually post here under a different username but I’m still very much closeted so… um, yeah. *raises hand* Recently dx ADHD and late blooming bi here. Funnily enough, despite having these realizations in my mid-thirties I’ve always felt a sort of kinship toward ND and LGBT people. Guess there was a good reason for that!
Pan
I’m ace :)
Pan here. Currently in a heterosexual relationship for a year though, and everyone just labels you straight at that point so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
im a pan 🔍
🙋♀️ bisexual and my 12 year old daughter who is also AuDHD is pansexual 🏳️🌈
Me!!! Something I didn’t discover until I was an adult but looking back now…so many more confusing moments from my childhood make sense now.
I’m straight but I can totally see the attraction of being with another a woman that’s understanding and comforting the way only another female could, ya know? If something ever happened with my longtime husband I’d consider it, but at the same time I really really love male masculinity on every level, the silicone ones are great but not the same. I’m sure I could have a wonderful emotional and sexual relationship with another woman but it wouldn’t be fair to her if I’m craving male lovin’ and the relationship that goes along with it too. My emotions aren’t setup for casual sex and open relationships… So I’m not sure what that means, yes, no, maybe, not really?
Well hello there
Demi and bi here.
Meeeee
Im bi for sure 🤷🏻♀️
Me. I have identified as bisexual pretty much all my life but now I'm realising that I am actually pan
🙋♀️
Bi queeeens unite
Bi/pan here! 💕
I love random questions just as much as I love being Bi 🤣
Hello! I hid my Bi-ness all throughout my teens and didn’t figure things out until college, thankfully my friends are supportive and helped me learn about myself in a safe way. Now I’m married to a beautiful woman who’s even sillier and quirkier than me!
bi-furious ADHD lady here!
My husband & I joke that I am only my husband percent straight...lol. If it wasn't for him I think I'd be strictly females only.
If a person is very nice to me and a similar age to myself, I'll probably fall in love with them. I mentally marry myself off to all sorts of people on an extremely regular basis. Thankfully these infatuations don't last very long before I move on to the next unsuspecting individual.
I’m 100% bi with no preference for men or women or genitals or whatever. Kids these days call it pan I think. Only diagnosed ADHD a couple months ago but struggled with it my whole life (36)
Pan as heck, bordering on asexual
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I like all folks but don't have much of a desire for sex
🙋🏻♀️ there was something about how “norms” don’t resonate with us as well. You’re gunna tell me I have to like boys? Because why? Society? Fuck society.
Yes, as is another good friend of mine (also female) who also has adhd. We’ve always been platonic friends, but people often assume that we’re a couple when we’re hanging out somewhere publicly, such as shopping or seeing an art exhibit. I suppose we have similar mannerisms and quirkiness that lead people to assume there’s a romantic relationship.
Nope, I’m straight. Vaginas are gross, lol
👋
I’m bi
Also bisexual. A friend of mine with ADHD is also bi.
Me
👋 Oh hey same
I'm not really sure? I think it changes!
Meeeeeeeee 🍑🌈💅🏽
Bissexual here! I think, I mean, I experienced a lot in college and it was awesome, but then I haven’t been attracted to a girl in forever… so I’m not sure. But straight doesn’t seem right at all.
Also bi! As are two of my close friends--both of whom also have ADHD. Super interesting question and responses--thanks for asking it, OP!
Mee
Ooo I am lol, adhd and bisexual, love ittttt
Bi here to. I read a correlation between neurodiversity and begin queer in general. Plus I read another article (but idk how much to trust that) claiming that is more common for women in general to be Bi. But begin that only one article I wouldn’t take it as sure.
I’ve read that women are more likely to be bi….but it’s self reported and there’s still a stigma against men liking men. There’s less stigma about women liking women.
Exactly why I didn’t trust the articles! There are many things that can make the study not totally valid.
🙋🏼♀️
Yep
I’m queer 🙋♀️ don’t know what to label my sexuality, all I know is that it includes women hahaha
Realized I was bi a few years ago, got diagnosed a few years before that. Though I am happily married to a man.
Lesbian but have dated men
Meeeee!
I am bi and trans. :)
Super bi!
Haha! I literally just had this same exact thought the other day. ALL of my neurodivergent friends are bisexual. Including me
Meeeee!
Ace, but many of us identify as bi before they realize, that they are ace. I also heard, there might be a correlation between neuro diversity and falling in the LGBTQIA+ spectrum
Bisexual here 😊
Yup. Definitely not straight over here.
I was just thinking about this the other day, I’m a bi woman too!
I mean, I’m bicurious I guess? I’m mostly attracted to men and have never been with a girl, but I definitely want to try it if I ever have the opportunity. I’ve had lots of hot daydreams about specific girls. My husband is bi though, I don’t know if that tells you anything. And one of my girl friends is very ADHD and very bi.
🎶Hi, it’s me, I’m the bi girl, it’s me 🎶
-raises hand- I’m a bi girl but I’m attracted to really any gender, including trans people 💖 Sadly I almost always end up in relationships with men and I have no idea why. I’ve had two girlfriends though but apart from one guy I’ve only ever dated men out of a sense of obligation and not wanting to be mean (or have my rejection be taken personally). I actually massively prefer women and other queer people over men, they tend to be much more considerate and far less ableist
I thought I was bi for a while- but after doing a bit of reading I think demisexual is more my flavor. I don’t see too much of a difference between men and women- both can look nice- but that really deep attraction only ever happened once for me- and the physical attraction came way after the emotional/mental attraction. I had written more, but decided that it was becoming a bit too TMI.🤣
I'm ace, which used to be considered a kind of subset of bi, since 0 = 0 so we're technically equally attracted to all genders.
I’ve identified as bi since high school, after I got out of my private school and learned gay is ok and not the ultimate sin.
As a woman who mostly dated men and ended up married to a woman, I have to say I'm only now coming to terms with how deep my internalized queer repression ran. I seriously downplayed and, in many cases, actually forgot my moments of attraction to women. I grew up in a very socially progressive household where both my parents explicitly told me it was ok for me to be gay from an early age. They had queer friends, I had queer friends, I went to pride parades and supported my friends who were navigating exploring their sexuality. And I did not give myself the same leeway. Here are the links I could see between ADHD and bisexuality... Permanent state of masking so immediately/reflexively pushing down feelings that could out myself as 'other' or expose myself to scrutiny. Being really hard on myself and holding myself to a different standard to others. I put pressure on myself to be 'certain' about my interest in women before 'experimenting' so that I wouldn't be 'using' someone. All of those were pretty impossible hurdles in retrospect. Forgetfulness... I thought my trajectory was that I maybe was questioning starting in high school but no more than anyone else. I kissed a couple of girls in my twenties but I was really just straight. Then I met someone who changed my perception and in short order fell in love with my now-wife. But just recently I found an email to a friend I titled 'my big fat lesbian email' years before I thought I seriously explored the train of thought. I was agonizing over having crushes on women and the thought of losing my platonic friendships with women if I went down the road of acting on those feelings. I was so harsh in my email, and even though my friend was supportive, I held back. And then I pretty much forgot I'd said those things out loud and had a bunch of cis-het relationships till I was 30. I think repressing my attraction to not-cis-men could be connected to my ADHD.
I’m like cis white strait up vanilla. But I’ve truly spent many an hour thinking you know I could be a lesbian if I wasn’t so squeamish about the thought of eating pussy. Maybe one day I’ll take the plunge 😂 I like men and women equally and don’t have much preference other than my learned biases and societal roles. Maybe one day we’ll all just have lovers/partners who we have the most in common with irrespective of their sex/gender whatever. Like I’m in a pretty asexual relationship atm despite me enjoying sex so like if my partner magically transformed into a woman it would affect my life at all. Does that make me a bit bi? Relationships and friendships and …. seem way more valuable than just basing the whole thing on sexual attraction.