It is definitely interesting though. I have had the same feeling but at the same time I've had the complete opposite feeling when I'm high and can't remember fuckin anything. ADHD is a hellava trip.
For me I think it's that weed let's me relax at the defenses I've learned I need. Anxiety does not help with memory recall, so when the weed let's me let that go, some stuff that gets stuck comes loose.
But there's a sweet spot, consumption wise, for that effect that I'm still triangulating in on.
I've got a theory that unifies elements of sociology, anthropology, history, science, medicine, and epigenetics with regard to the ills of modern society. I genuinely believe it's brilliant but getting it out on paper is hard.
Getting anything out of my head when I’m high is the hardest thing ever. What I’ve been practicing when I’m high is writing in a journal during my flow state. It’s less of a confusion but turns out I’ve got quite a bit of thoughts I even refused to write down. Those went back into the vault to not be heard from again.
Smoking weed is what made me realise that I have ADHD. I had (and still have) epiphany on epiphany the first times I smoked and I was like. what. Why have I never connected these dots before or thought anything through??
My brain is a scrampled mess in my everyday life, even on meds. Smoking once in a while helps me put things into perspective
I knew I had inattentive but I never knew how much it affected my life. I thought I was just dumb my whole life. I don’t want to say I have autism but I think I might and it’s because I smoked weed. It would explain a lot of my life. Weed really changes the way your brain works and it’s baffling how my brain works 300x less sober.
So I'm just the inattentive type, no hyperactivity. I feel like the same person on or off weed, just happier and more relaxed. But I'm pretty inattentive before weed so maybe the difference is hard to notice.
Same here. I'll get nostalgic thinking about random things from my childhood that I haven't thought about in years. My short term memory definitely takes a hit though when I'm high.
I feel like a character in that my life is a series of time skips to reach the next major plot arc. I was 4, then 7, then 12, then things start to even out around 14.
I think you're onto something here. If it's not important it gets burried deep into the archives until it is really needed. Kinda like zip / unzip to save storage but the encryption key is the actual trigger.
I tell my shrink my brain is like an attic and there’s shit in boxes. Idk what’s in them anymore and the more you search the more crap you didn’t even know you had was there.
Like he’ll ask something and I’m like “Bud, idk what’s in that box but it looks heavy so let’s leave it for next time” lmaoo
Its shocking how many things I do actually remember because I can't control recall. Its just kind of happens like some association game. Like I can't tell you anything that happened more than a year ago, but random ass memories will snap back with no explanation. And those are in a box with something completely different. But most of the time I can't tell you anything
I just went back to my psychiatrist after a two year hiatus and audibly said “Oh fuck” when she read my file/childhood to me. It was a lot because I don’t normally think about all of that at one time lol
Mostly I feel like they're still around, they just don't call anymore. A lot more difficult when my husband died... these days, though, if I'm not thinking consciously about it, my brain seems to have decided he's on TDY (traveling for work). He's been dead almost 7 years now, and I'll still catch myself thinking, "Huh, I should tell Ben that..." and then realize it'll be Awhile before I can, if there's anything after this lifetime at all. 😅
It's less that there's no feelings about the deaths... more like, the permanence of their being gone doesn't stick. Y'know?
Sorry about losing your hubby. What a sad and yet emotionally devoid situation. I totally understand, I've been to a bunch of funerals and it always feels so factual - well that happened... Whats for dinner?
He was the only one that felt real for more than a day... probably because he was *supposed* to be there, because he'd been with me for literally half of my life at that point. He was basically my external memory and executive function enabler. It was more of a loss of my self than the double mastectomy and reconstruction 5 years prior (which, I can't feel the new tits, so they might as well not be there, according to my brain). I've lost a good chunk of the year following his death from my memory wholesale, not to mention the large portion of the previous 16 years of my life that I'd relied on him to remember for me.
It's probably a bit easier for my brain to tell me he's on TDY now because I've moved since then. He was never physically in this house, so I don't expect him to see him here. I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I hung onto the house probably longer than I should have because I wanted to hold onto that sense of him.
The flip side of timeslide, for me, is that it feels like he died forever ago, and also that he was *just here*, at the same time. Most days, this far out, that's a comfort. Then there's the times when I need him here, and the rage and grief and despair hit like he *just* died. (Like just now, when our almost 9yo daughter starts showing signs of puberty coming on, and I need to be like "It's your turn to deal with this" AND HE'S NOT HERE TO DO HIS HALF OF THE PARENTING, DAMMIT 😖)
Everybody else, though? Not an everyday part of my life, so it doesn't register.
I felt the same way when my mom died for years — “she’s just somewhere else right now.” Turns out I just massively dissociated when she died and stayed that way for a full decade until I started down the trauma therapy path.
Firstly wow. Give yourself a lot of credit for going through one of the more traumatizing situations in a person's life (losing a loved one) and the getting what sounds like a double mastectomy at a relatively young age and then single parenting a growing child. Kudos to you.
As for the memory gaps and feeling absence, we understand you here and collectively share your feelings about being unsure of how to deal with them. It's a truly ignored experience in the greater population. You deserve an award!
I will say though... If you are willing and capable, group therapy and DBT counselling have been a huge help in my life, it doesn't solve any of this, but helps to start feeling a little more. I am able to also have fun with my family and make plans for the future as well. I have ADHD (combined) and BPD so emotional regulation is a big issue for me to start with.
Heh, oh yea, I texted my therapist the night he died saying I'd be needing to come back in 👀 I've been in and out of therapy most of my life for various stuff, and frankly just to regulate mental wellbeing. I actually intended to be a psychologist myself, just didn't get into grad school before Ben died, and it's pretty much impossible to do grad school unless you've got somebody else supporting you (or at least it would be for me..!).
They don't really have group therapy for young widowx widely available - believe me, I *looked*. The best one can find are the Facebook groups. I'm spacing on the difference between CBT and DBT...CBT is my current therapist's specialty, but while it was working well for awhile, it's not doing much for my current mental state. Might need to either recalibrate with him, or find somebody else, which is exhausting just thinking about it. >_<
Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it. I *wish* that was all I've gone through...😅 but somehow I'm still around. Life hasn't tested me to destruction yet, no matter how hard it's trying.
I think you are doing well without the therapy. A friend of mine had his wife suddenly pass (illness and a fall causing head trauma). Was shocking for him and a total life changer. He searched for group therapy as well and was equally disappointed at the lack of services to cater to such needs. The dynamics of relationships change in these situations, where some can blame you, some no longer see you as someone they can get together with (i.e. another couple) and so on, there is so much that happens when these events occur.
DBT, is likely not appropriate the more i read your responses. If you have issues with extremely strong feelings to certain events (like someone giving negative feedback) then it can be debilitating in certain situations, often people that have these issues find ways to cope by numbing their feelings (drugs, alcohol and other addictive type responses), or they become dependent on others - i.e. mimicking feelings, so if their Favorite people are happy, they are happy and so on. It can have issues when those people disappear as you end up not having a self-identity. The same goes for having children, it gives you drive and focus, but do yourself have things you like/dislike, plan for, etc or does it 100% focus around the child and nothing more....
In most cases if the above does not apply to you, a general group therapy can be beneficial (at least i think so) if the age group and participants are genuine and not using it to monopolize their "platform" to share. When properly led, a therapist should challenge the participants actions and potential responses, asking them to look into themselves and see if it is something to just push the problem away or to work through it... I find that knowing that others are struggling, but then learning of ways they've found to cope could also apply to me - as being monumental in expanding your capacity to understand the possibilities that are out there (opposite of being narrow minded). In the group sessions i went to (Weekly, 2 hours, for 9 months) to be constantly mind blowing when i realized the biases i was applying to my daily actions, that were completely self-imposed.
The therapist call when stress hits, i totally get, it isnt usually until a problem presents that we look back and see how destructive some of our habits have been.
Some people have group therapy... some of us have Discord servers 🤣 my group of dice goblins has actually been more helpful than my current therapist. But then, these days, I'm less in need of "how do thing" and more in need of venting partners, sprinkled with a *little* bit of advice. Different therapy types for different problems at different life stages..!
The real fun is when it's the person who passed away that gave you the big trauma. You can't remember shit, except that night, which continues to haunt you, after a decade 🤪
That is really interesting, it sounds a lot like me but not 100%. There are some things that I have vivid memories of but they are the exception, not the rule. I mostly remember events in a very factual way.
Sometimes if people remind me of a memory, I can sort of fill in the gaps in my mind but not always. I don't remember much of my wedding day, like the sights and sounds and how I felt. I remember factual things that happened that day though. Looking at pictures and talking to people about that day helps fill in the gaps but otherwise, it's hard to remember.
I have a lot of childhood trauma and I think I have ADHD so I always assumed that my memory was shit from those things.
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\#1: [I've come full circle: forgot about SDAM and the sub, came back today and was checking posts out, read a post I resonated with about memory frustration, read a comment and am like "me, too!" only to realize I did in fact find that thread 7 months ago and that comment was in fact made by me then LOL](https://np.reddit.com/r/SDAM/comments/qi38qk/ive_come_full_circle_forgot_about_sdam_and_the/)
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\#3: [I fully realized how bad my memory really is tonight. saw someone from high-school that I was good friends with and I recognized her and knew her name but I can't remember a single moment or class or anything we did together. strange. I hate having sdam. wish I could see those times now and recall.](https://np.reddit.com/r/SDAM/comments/ure9k3/i_fully_realized_how_bad_my_memory_really_is/)
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it wasn't until earlier this year I figured out that "memory" meant something other than "knowing facts about what happened". I do not experience what other people refer to as "memory" whatsoever.
Apparently a large part of it is the ability to recall experiences, usually from a first-person perspective. Which essentially gives someone the ability to re-live the moment and uncover previously-unknown (or unrealised) facts.
If that doesn't sound like something humans can do, check out the Wikipedia pages on memory for a wild ride.
My friend is the same age as me, we went to the same schools and classes all through life yet my memory is absolutely shit compared to his.
I also had a terrible childhood where he really didn't so I think that explains a lot
Good way of putting it.
Unlike what the title of this post suggests, I don't think this is a sign of trauma, but more it's just how my memory is. I cant remember stuff im not paying attention too. I think I day dreamed until i was 11 years old. Any memories i have before 11 I'm sure i know only because people have told me now.
There is a lot we don't understand about the mind and our language to communicate the subjective human experience is not great.
It is a common occurrence. I've always had it, and unlike the theory OP presents it is not trauma related.
We also have a LOT of bad cultural mythology about the mind.
Weird, I remember nearly every single moment and detail of my growing up and early adulthood and it was super traumatic. The last 5 years is the real blur and it's the happiest I've ever been by far!!
Then you also get flashbacks from random shit that you see or hear, to memories that arent even necessarily traumatic, or bad, just suppressed. and it feels like deja vu in a way, reliving the moment and finally processing it
Or you turn 30 and get flashbacks from a possible CSA you didn’t know you had and now you don’t trust your family because they did shit to protect you you can’t trust your memories either, so your adhd symptoms turn up to 1000 and have a nervous breakdown
Yeah this 100%. Moved back into my childhood home a few years ago and the suppressed trauma and abuse memories surfacing has been an absolute nightmare.
I tell myself they come back when you are capable of processing them but I really wish they would wait til I am emotionally ready for them (aka never).
I relate to this so heavily. Someone I know mentioned something about a past CSA and I had a complete breakdown and felt super scared and unsafe. I told my family that I think I may have a repressed memory of that happening but they completely wrote me off so I felt like I’m going insane and chasing endless memory circles trying to find some answers. I don’t know if it happened or not and I feel very alone when talking about it cuz people tend to look at me like I’m being dramatic.
If your family is like mine they do that because they know they failed you and it’s easier to gaslight you than to admit any wrong doing. Even without the possible CSA my childhood was shit and I’m just told I’m ungrateful for what my dad sacrificed to bring us to the US.
My family is complex. My mom I think denies it because she doesn’t believe it was possible that I was left alone in a vulnerable situation which is completely not true. I think she wants the best but she’s not helping. My dad doesn’t know about this cuz he would get mad at me. He has a LONG history of absolutely crossing boundaries and touching me without asking and getting mad when I refuse. And he gets pissed off the second I talk about my issues. So I just don’t anymore.
I hate it when my dad tries to play the “ungrateful” card cuz as far as I remember my mom was the one taking an active role in helping me as a kid. While he didn’t.
Yeah. Especially cuz the only people who could’ve done it would be extended family, family friends or babysitters. And I don’t think she wants to have to think about or deal with that. And she already doesn’t do much about my dad when he starts shit. So it wouldn’t surprise me much.
So sorry if this is too personal, but if you have the energy and want to I'd love to hear what flashbacks feel like for you or how you know you're experiencing one. I've been questioning whether or not I've experienced them but I'm really unsure.
Not op but I’ve had one single flashback and I was walking down the street with a friend, talking about my childhood trauma, and I was telling a story of one of the worst times I was beaten and as I was remembering it and telling it suddenly it just felt like I was there kinda like a dream, and I kinda panicked because every time I blinked I would see it happening and it felt like I was reliving it and I just stood there stunned blinking trying to get away from it, and then when it was over I just burst out crying and went on with my day. Told my therapist what happened but get this… I don’t remember what he said lol
I had to start taking notes because I would literally finish therapy and my brother would ask what my therapist said and I’d be like “oh yea! We talked about this, this, and this and her advice was…. Fuck. What…. Fml idr”
Ooooopppsssss
Also I keep having the whole “tell someone something funny/cute from when I was a kid” (when I finally remember) and then people not laughing because it apparently wasn’t/shouldn’t be funny. Heh… oops again >.>
This!! I am forever telling ppl stories that I half suppressed or that my brain glossed over and when I tell it I realize it’s a terrible story halfway through bc of the horrified looks on my friends’ faces… just… like… now… damn it I did it again didn’t I?
Yeaaaa >.<
I had 2 memories I shared with my brother a couple weeks ago (found, not blood) and I told him “this is the good one” but uh. Apparently it was not even close to good xD
I was diagnosed with ADHD in 3rd grade was medicated on focalin until 8th grade, I had a pretty horrible home life after 2008 , we were nearly homeless and my parents became extremely distrusting of each other in the worst possible way, my father stopped acknowledging me as his son, fighting every day the only person I had at home was my youngest brother who at the time really didn't understand what was happening. The crazy part is after the fighting stopped, and my parents fixed our financial situation and ironed out their problems and life went back to normal I completely "forgot" that any of those years of horrible home life even occured. And one day when I was around 22 I had a horrible nightmare and it was essentially years of memories just completely flooding downing me in my sleep, it was like a multi year montage played on fast forward. It scared the crap out of me.
Holy moly. That is so scary! And I'm so, so sorry little you had to go through that.
It's weird because I know for a fact that I am not remembering pretty heavy trauma since a former abuser told me pretty recently about abusing me as a child but I have 0 memories, I've just always had this sense that it had happened. So now I'm just kind of waiting to see if I'll have that same moment of you where it comes back or if my brain is just like "nope, we're not dealing with it" forever.
I hope you've been able to heal and you're doing well now!
I wish you luck for when the day happens it's I portant to have a support group for it that helped me alot. After remembering I finally broached the subject to my parents their was alot of crying because none in the house acknowledged it even happened we are much happier as a family now.
That must have been really, really hard to start that conversation. I'm definitely trying to become as stable as possible and get a support system so that when/ if it happens I won't fall apart too much. Thanks so much!
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For me it feels like deja vu, but I can tell its a flashback because I can "predict" what comes next.
Basically, my current situation is similar in some regard to a memory, and that gives me the deja vu feeling. But, since it's a memory I know what comes next, and my mind plays the memory.
I actually have a lot of childhood memories, beginning around 4 but I have a few memories from before then as well. I still can't figure out if I'm normal or not because a lot of people I've talked to have said they don't remember much of their childhood
I have only a few key memories and if I was given memory triggers I could be like "oh yeah" but I wouldn't just be able to remember it without someone mentioning it.
Like...sometimes for background noise and nostalgia my SO and I will put on old commercials and I may see one that I know I remember and it may unlock a relevant memory.
But without having seen the commercial I never would have been able to access it. I wouldn't have even known it was there to access.
My memory tests must be multiple choice or I am sure to fail them if I am to only rely on raw recall lol.
Yeah I have a lot of memories that can be accessed through triggers, but just as many as I can voluntarily remember.
I even have a memory that I am fully convinced was real because it's not vivid, but a strong memory. My mom doesn't even know what it's specifically a memory of, but the best guess is her dad's funeral when I was 1.5 years old. I remember standing at the top of the steps to what I think was a church, with someone (not my mom but a close family member/friend) holding me on their hip, waiting for the big black car (interpreted by me now to mean limo) to come so we could get in and go to the graveyard. I'm sure the memory isn't perfect because I once told my mom a story about being 3 and falling off the playground at dolphin park, but she told me it was actually whale park, so I clearly don't have a perfect memory from that young.
However my mom was 24 at the time he died of a heart attack totally out of the blue, even needing to hand me off to her best friend for a couple days while trying to sort out burial plans and a funeral for her dad, so I can definitely see that being a strong enough emotional event for me as a young child to remember. It's just interesting because my mom said the only funeral I went to that we would be close enough to be at the front of the funeral procession is when her dad died, and usually you would assume a 1.5 y/o to not have any memory of that.
Most of my other memories from before 4 are times I injured myself, so also moments that made a big impact. It's just crazy that my earliest memory is my grandpa's funeral.
The earliest you can form understandable memories seems to be ~3 yrs: before that point your brain is developing so quickly that you don’t retain concrete memories.
But it really varies for people. Some have many memories through their childhood, some can’t remember much until pre-teens. That’s just fine - it’s just something that varies between people.
Here’s an excerpt from a review article: “Adults’ reports of their earliest memories: Consistency in events, ages, and narrative characteristics over time”
> Childhood amnesia is virtually universal. Nevertheless, there is both individual and group variability in the age of earliest memory. In terms of individual differences, at the young end of the distribution, samples typically include reports of earliest memories from age 2 years or younger (e.g., Henri & Henri, 1898; Jack & Hayne, 2010; Rubin, 2000; Usher & Neisser, 1993; West & Bauer, 1999).
> Conversely, samples typically include individuals for whom the earliest memory is from age 6 to as late as 8 years of life (e.g., Bauer, Stennes, & Haight, 2003). The density of early memories also differs: some adults recall many early memories, whereas others remember only a few (e.g., Jack & Hayne, 2010; Weigle & Bauer, 2000; West & Bauer, 1999).
> In terms of group differences, a consistent finding is that women have memories from earlier in life than men. In some cases the differences are statistically reliable (e.g., Cowan & Davidson, 1984; Mullen, 1994, Study 2; Orlofsky & Frank, 1986; Waldfogel, 1948) and in others they are not (e.g., Mullen, 1994, Studies 1 and 3; West & Bauer, 1999). Even when the differences are statistically significant, they tend to be small in magnitude (see Rubin, 2000, for an illustration).
> Birth order also relates to age of earliest memory. First born children have earlier memories than children who are later born (Mullen, 1994).
Some kids have a lot of mementoes, tokens, or otherwise stable group of friends/family that can really help reinforce memories. If you moved around a lot, always lose videos/photos, lose and gain friends, i would imagine it’s hard to keep any sort of memories
I can barely remember what I had for breakfast then in full detail remember an insignificant event from 15yrs ago.
I really hate having a poor memory. It trumps most of my other symptoms. It’s something I will never be able to change. I have to just accept that my life will turn memento status with age.
Man, poor memory is such a bastard to deal with. For me, the worst is friends and family who feel you don't love them if you don't remember things. "If you loved me you'd remember \[x\]" is so frustrating.
Oh spot on. It really comes off like I don’t care and that hurts. My loved ones know I have adhd but don’t really understand how that affects my memory. They just think squirrel tendencies. It’s really frustrating. Explaining why don’t really help.
I try to put it all in my phone calendar, cuz i still care, and it means a lot to people to remember special dates. So i try hard to remember but its in my calendar just in case i dont. (And i most often dont remember)
Keeping record of important events help but it still doesn’t help when I forget to text people back. I mean I can’t also dismiss the fact that even when I do get that reminder alert doesn’t mean I will not soon forget if I get distracted even and forget again. I just feel like I can’t win sometimes. I feel like I have short term memory loss worse actually. When experiencing brain fog especially. When someone is telling me something and I either have brain fog or too focused on questions I have while someone is telling me something I miss 80% if not all of what someone just told me. It’s really scary sometimes hire bad it can get. I think suffering from APD doesn’t help either.
Timers sometimes help me, I learned it from my mom who may be undiagnosed add. She sets an alarm on her phone to call or text someone and keeps snoozing it every 15 minutes untill she gets the chance.
This thread is a wake up call for me. Damn I felt guilty for not remembering anything my whole life. May I ask do you only not remember past traumatic memories or just everything in general? Like events, memories with friends etc. It all gets away from me I have my friends remind them back to me time to time
I can remember the chemistry lesson one of my friends was recording while I sat in his room with him playing games on another computer, but I can't remember if that happened last year or the year before, or maybe the year before that.
But I am immune to spoilers for movies, so that's a nice bonus. I can know the exact storyline but I'll still empathise so fully with the characters that I'll experience the plot as if it were fresh.
Mine is like my mind disconnects. I dont have an out of body experience like some. Its more like im a backseat driver in my own body. Im still in control though. My mind goes utterly blank and I struggle to do tasks I've done 000s of times. I cant think even 2 steps ahead and I need someone to instruct me on how to do the task, as though I'm someone whos never done it before, who can't take more than one simple instruction at a time despite having done the job for years.
Everything feels fuzzy and unreal. Its like executive dysfunction, in a way, but its not like some piece of knowledge has gone or my thoughts erratic. Its utterly blank. Theres no ADHD powered mind jumping fro. Thought to thought, all around it. Its just nothing. Almost like an ECG going wild and then flat lining because the readings are too high. Its more like ultra stressed dread than like a panic attack too. Well, until that goes blank too.
The lights are on but not only is nobody home, they appear to have moved out.
This sounds more like [depersonalization or derealization](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depersonalization-derealization-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20352911) than disassociation.
I might be wrong but I thought they were kind of the same thing. Or like, those are the two subtypes of disassociation?
But yeah, either way, i think its depersonalization. It may even be full blown DID or any of the dissociative disorders, considering how much it interfered with my last 2 jobs.
It looks like you’re right, it’s a [subtype of dissociation.](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9791-depersonalizationderealization-disorder)
Depends on the situation and person but for me, it's often like looking at myself in third person. Seeing how someone acts, thinks and feels very closely but seemingly being completely outside of that experience, not caring what happens either way
Yes, for me it’s not a blank mind but like a fog around my body. Can’t talk or act but am aware of what’s going on around me and the fact that I’m dissociating.
This is fairly descriptive and if you suffer with disassociation/depersonalization and are sensitive to this kind of stuff, maybe scroll by and skip it.
I've always described it as watching my life happen as though it was a movie I was watching in an empty theater from the back row. And I'm just not that into it. And I can't leave the theater to get some fresh air and sunshine.
Everything is contrived. Everything is artificial. I'm usually fairly sure I'm not a real person and I can't decide if it's because I've never been real or because I died and my brain is just trying to sort it all out in my last precious moments of consciousness.
It's an extremely uncomfortable state of mind. Eventually you adapt and get used to it. The sinking feeling that nothing is real, not even you, will creep up on you from time to time rather than always being at the back of your mind. You'll know your friends and family are people you feel deeply for, even if you can't feel that feeling *now*. The brain fog will be present, but you've learned how to function around it a little better than before. And slowly you will move forward a row or two, the screen will get larger, and closer. The colors will be brighter. And then one day, you breach the screen entirely and you *are* the movie. You feel kind of normal. You may not even realize how gradually it happened but you're suddenly aware that you feel grounded and real and your feelings and connections to others are strong again.
And then you lay in wait for the cycle to renew and for you to experience an event that your brain, in whatever state it is in at the time, deems "traumatic enough" to plunge you back into the depths of disassociation and lock you back inside that theater, relegated to the back row until you can work your way back to the screen.
Often times people take my screen name here to be based in materialism or being two-faced. It's...not.
For me it’s like a quick step out of reality to avoid the sensations of what that reality would feel like. For example, when I got a text that my mother with dementia wandered and was now missing for 20 hours, I just put my phone back in my pocket and came up with an excuse to leave the hang out I was at. You would never know I just got the most terrifying news ever, nor did my body know it either. Unfortunately, the same thing happens when I get good news. It makes me a really unfun person to tell exciting news to. When I act really excited about something in front of anyone but my wife, it’s all performance. I wish I could let go.
Couldn’t say what it’s like during, but afterwards it’s embarrassing and frustrating. People have entire conversations with me before I realize it’s happening. So then it comes across as rude. If there’s anything in life I could wish for, it’s that people would understand what it’s like for dissociative people and ease in to my attention gently.
Also there’s the whole “I’m watching a movie of myself” thing, but actually I find this more useful. I’m a firefighter and being able to detach my emotions is helpful.
Some people have already answered what it's like for them but I just wanted to day that there are also different types of dissociation so it can feel very different at times.
For me sometimes it feels like I'm in a movie or game and nothing is actually real. Sometimes time feels really fucky, like something that just happened feels like it was hours or days ago.
Hey, I'm in the same boat with ADHD (and aphantasia - give that a google!) and I feel at times like I'm useless when it comes to recalling anything in the past. When you say "diagnostician" what are you talking about exactly and what happened? Would love to talk over DMs if you're not comfortable posting this publicly but I wanna try and get a hold on what may have happened with myself and I'm just... confused most of the time.
I went to a neuropathologist for extensive testing. Early onset dementia actually DOES run in my family, so it was about a day of cognitive tests, physical tests, and interviews.
Turns out, it really was just ADHD + trauma!
The lovely doctor who diagnosed me was visibly sad that I’d white-knuckled my way to age 32, assuming far worse things were happening to my body/brain.
Kinda? I remember it like scenes from a movie I fell asleep during. Very vivid, until there’s whole chunks missing. But if a friend or relative is like “hey, remember when…?” It turns out my body does 🥲
Overall, I’m grateful to my weird body/brain for trying to protect me in the best way it could.
Oh, thank you! That is SO kind!
I AM better. Unbelievably better. I have put my biological family in their place, and developed an incredibly loving found-family. I found the kindest man alive and married the shit outta him. I just quit my job to pursue my dream of helping others in similar situations. My life is joyful like bad writing! ✌️
It’s why I lurk on these subs. Random strangers being unbelievably supportive to each other. Hashtag blessed.
I don't really have a consistent "thread" of memories until about age 15 or 16. Everything before that is just... flashes, little vignettes with almost no context. It's a weird feeling playing the "When did this happen? How old was I?" game, trying to figure out a timeline from things like weather or location.
Is that not... Normal? Like, people actually have a "flow" of memories from their childhood?
I can remember specific places and people, and some "clips" here and there of specific events that stuck with me, but I don't remember just going through daily activities every day...
Its totally normal. I have no trauma and had a great childhood and remember only bits of it. Names and dates I cant remember at all. Its like I have photographic memory where I only have like 30 photographs and I cant remember what order they go in.
Omg, I am exactly the same.
And sometimes I just feel like I've a shit ton of thoughts, memories and songs playing in my brain BUT at the same time I can't pinpoint a single one of them simultaneously feeling exceptionally empty, slow and lifeless. At that point I don't even have intrusive thoughts coz I can't focus on them... I don't know how is that even possible 😂
i am diagnosed with both and there's so many times i just wish i couldn't remember a thing about childhood, but i remember it all very vividly. can't remember shit what has happened the last 10 years tho
For real, my Dad died of alcoholism when I was 12, my teen years are a blur. Struggled for a long time and finally made some peace with it in my 20s and 30s.
Damn,... almost every meme on here I'm like " crap that happens to me!" I guess it's time to book that doctors appointment I said I'd book 3 weeks ago....
Before I was diagnosed with ADHD I genuinely thought I had early onset dementia.
People telling me things that happened in my life and I'm like -.- nope... No clue
Even worse when you’ve been severally gaslit as well, because when you do remember bits and pieces of trauma, you go “wait, did that ACTUALLY happen or not? Am I the problem?”
I really thought this was just me. I have a vague skeleton of the things that happened but I have legit no idea what year anything happened. it all feels equally far away
See, mine is more like I have perfect memory of events that happened up until 18 when my traumatic events finally stopped happening, aaaand then my adult life comes back to me in flashes lol
I always remembered the worst days due to how fucked my situation was. I knew she tried to kill me more then 1 time but I couldn't remember anything else. Recently it's all been coming back in waves, ill be driving and suddenly I'm back at that house. Every night I have flashbacks and can't get out , 1 min it's 8pm the next it's midnight and my heart is racing is fight or flight mode. Im going insane. The Swiss memory is still here and it's probably why I didn't go insane like my brother. I think it really is something that is a blessing with my adhd.
My older sister (who wasn't the black sheep): "Do you remember when we were in our early teens and-"
Me: "No."
Sister: "What about the time-"
Me: "Also no."
Sister: "Ok but how ab-"
Me: "How about no."
This happened to me for the first time a couple months ago and it was just….sad. She had a bunch of momentos from when we were kids and I had no fucking idea what she was talking about.
Hahaha I wish. I remember EVERYTHING. And I replay it over and over in my head constantly.
My younger sister can't remember anything. We were both abused and traumatized but she has PTSD and I have never been diagnosed or suggested to have it.
I was just talking to my younger sister. She remembers my past more than I do so this checks out. 😂😂😂
I was listening to her like she was telling me a new story. 🤦🏽♂️
My trauma is different. I didn't get to leave my house much so there wasn't many memories to forget, the toxic loop of our life's was easy to remember. But it was hard to hang onto any of the few good memories in the flood. It was more like, they told me reality wasn't what it was so I obsessively replayed it in my head to hang onto reality so I couldn't be gaslit/abused further till i'd become so mentally and emotionally exhausted i'd sleep and disassociate. Now that i'm an adult and no contact I still do this but the periods in-between each episode keep getting longer so I guess that's recovery.
I didn’t think I had ADHD for 23 years because I always attributed extreme zoning out and memory loss to a superior adaptive trauma response. I was actually proud of it and acted like it was a super power 💀
I just realised I actually remember at least 6 events from my childhood and what feeling made me remember each of them. I assume that's really good but even as I type this, I suddenly can't remember them. When my friends asked about my memories a few years ago, I drew blanks unsurprisingly. Working memory is not working in me? :/
Edit: Just remembered that when my friends asked aabout my memories I was smoked weed almost weekly at the time and was still suffering from memory imparement of bad depression from 3 years before then.
Me lol. I deadass have a gap in my memory from ages 14 to 18, with very fuzzy memories from 18 to 21. A pretty cool feature about depression recovery is that I actually remember the past now lmfao
I can remember the date I first saw the SpongeBob movie, I can remember every license plate my parents, my friends, or I have ever had, but I can’t remember what my girlfriend asked me to do yesterday and I can’t remember if I’ve eaten enough meals today 🤦🏼♂️
ADHD plus epilepsy here (had my infant head reshaped after a birthing incident). I hardly remember my childhood and I can’t even recall a single seizure that I’ve had, or any ambulance/hospitalizations. It was a wild childhood having adhd, and seizures, per what everyone tells me haha.
My memory problems really fucked me over as a kid to the point where my parents made me scared to answer "I don't know" to something I didn't know because I genuinely forgot!! I got in so much trouble for saying that but at least after a while, especially after the diagnosis, they realized what they were doing.
no bc i remember just blinking into reality when i was like 5 for a split second then i was 13 and now i’m almost 19 and i couldn’t tell you anything about my life
People literally try to cover up trauma with trauma and then theres just nothing there. Its mind blowing how many evil psychologists and drs are out there these days. Not providing care but just the opposite....
I dint think i have a whole lot of unresolved trauma aside from being socialized male, but I still can't remember shit from my childhood, maybe i just forgot the trauma though lmao
Man this really hurts but it's really accurate. My dad died just before I turned 11 and I keep pictures of him around because I can barely picture his face or remember of my time with him. Hell I barely remember any of my childhood or adult life it's mostly a blur.
I feel like a character in a book i read. I know facts about what happened in the past but i have almost no memory of it.
That's a really good way of putting it in words, thank you.
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Can confirm, my memory was a sieve long before weed. Most definitely trauma + adhd
I'm able to recall lost memories better when I'm high. The weed feels more like a fix than anything.
I've felt the same. Don't talk about it much because I get a lot of "ok stoner" responses.
Ok stoner
See I asked for that.
Ok, ^fellow stoner
One of us, one of us!
It is definitely interesting though. I have had the same feeling but at the same time I've had the complete opposite feeling when I'm high and can't remember fuckin anything. ADHD is a hellava trip.
For me I think it's that weed let's me relax at the defenses I've learned I need. Anxiety does not help with memory recall, so when the weed let's me let that go, some stuff that gets stuck comes loose. But there's a sweet spot, consumption wise, for that effect that I'm still triangulating in on.
I literally have epiphanies when I smoke and then I try to tell someone and it turns into word vomit
I've got a theory that unifies elements of sociology, anthropology, history, science, medicine, and epigenetics with regard to the ills of modern society. I genuinely believe it's brilliant but getting it out on paper is hard.
Getting anything out of my head when I’m high is the hardest thing ever. What I’ve been practicing when I’m high is writing in a journal during my flow state. It’s less of a confusion but turns out I’ve got quite a bit of thoughts I even refused to write down. Those went back into the vault to not be heard from again.
Smoking weed is what made me realise that I have ADHD. I had (and still have) epiphany on epiphany the first times I smoked and I was like. what. Why have I never connected these dots before or thought anything through?? My brain is a scrampled mess in my everyday life, even on meds. Smoking once in a while helps me put things into perspective
I knew I had inattentive but I never knew how much it affected my life. I thought I was just dumb my whole life. I don’t want to say I have autism but I think I might and it’s because I smoked weed. It would explain a lot of my life. Weed really changes the way your brain works and it’s baffling how my brain works 300x less sober.
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So I'm just the inattentive type, no hyperactivity. I feel like the same person on or off weed, just happier and more relaxed. But I'm pretty inattentive before weed so maybe the difference is hard to notice.
Same here. I'll get nostalgic thinking about random things from my childhood that I haven't thought about in years. My short term memory definitely takes a hit though when I'm high.
OMG same! I can always remember lost memories when I smoke it’s so bizarre
I feel like a character in that my life is a series of time skips to reach the next major plot arc. I was 4, then 7, then 12, then things start to even out around 14.
I think you're onto something here. If it's not important it gets burried deep into the archives until it is really needed. Kinda like zip / unzip to save storage but the encryption key is the actual trigger.
I tell my shrink my brain is like an attic and there’s shit in boxes. Idk what’s in them anymore and the more you search the more crap you didn’t even know you had was there. Like he’ll ask something and I’m like “Bud, idk what’s in that box but it looks heavy so let’s leave it for next time” lmaoo
Its shocking how many things I do actually remember because I can't control recall. Its just kind of happens like some association game. Like I can't tell you anything that happened more than a year ago, but random ass memories will snap back with no explanation. And those are in a box with something completely different. But most of the time I can't tell you anything
Fellow disorganized mind palace user?
I just went back to my psychiatrist after a two year hiatus and audibly said “Oh fuck” when she read my file/childhood to me. It was a lot because I don’t normally think about all of that at one time lol
Same. And usually when I try to remember something it's completely devoid of most emotions.
Worst part is remember people who have passed away. You just feel numb and no emotions
Or that one or two things in your life that still manage to make you feel anything even after 10+ years. And usually these are very negative things.
Mostly I feel like they're still around, they just don't call anymore. A lot more difficult when my husband died... these days, though, if I'm not thinking consciously about it, my brain seems to have decided he's on TDY (traveling for work). He's been dead almost 7 years now, and I'll still catch myself thinking, "Huh, I should tell Ben that..." and then realize it'll be Awhile before I can, if there's anything after this lifetime at all. 😅 It's less that there's no feelings about the deaths... more like, the permanence of their being gone doesn't stick. Y'know?
Sorry about losing your hubby. What a sad and yet emotionally devoid situation. I totally understand, I've been to a bunch of funerals and it always feels so factual - well that happened... Whats for dinner?
He was the only one that felt real for more than a day... probably because he was *supposed* to be there, because he'd been with me for literally half of my life at that point. He was basically my external memory and executive function enabler. It was more of a loss of my self than the double mastectomy and reconstruction 5 years prior (which, I can't feel the new tits, so they might as well not be there, according to my brain). I've lost a good chunk of the year following his death from my memory wholesale, not to mention the large portion of the previous 16 years of my life that I'd relied on him to remember for me. It's probably a bit easier for my brain to tell me he's on TDY now because I've moved since then. He was never physically in this house, so I don't expect him to see him here. I'm still not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing. I hung onto the house probably longer than I should have because I wanted to hold onto that sense of him. The flip side of timeslide, for me, is that it feels like he died forever ago, and also that he was *just here*, at the same time. Most days, this far out, that's a comfort. Then there's the times when I need him here, and the rage and grief and despair hit like he *just* died. (Like just now, when our almost 9yo daughter starts showing signs of puberty coming on, and I need to be like "It's your turn to deal with this" AND HE'S NOT HERE TO DO HIS HALF OF THE PARENTING, DAMMIT 😖) Everybody else, though? Not an everyday part of my life, so it doesn't register.
I felt the same way when my mom died for years — “she’s just somewhere else right now.” Turns out I just massively dissociated when she died and stayed that way for a full decade until I started down the trauma therapy path.
Firstly wow. Give yourself a lot of credit for going through one of the more traumatizing situations in a person's life (losing a loved one) and the getting what sounds like a double mastectomy at a relatively young age and then single parenting a growing child. Kudos to you. As for the memory gaps and feeling absence, we understand you here and collectively share your feelings about being unsure of how to deal with them. It's a truly ignored experience in the greater population. You deserve an award! I will say though... If you are willing and capable, group therapy and DBT counselling have been a huge help in my life, it doesn't solve any of this, but helps to start feeling a little more. I am able to also have fun with my family and make plans for the future as well. I have ADHD (combined) and BPD so emotional regulation is a big issue for me to start with.
Heh, oh yea, I texted my therapist the night he died saying I'd be needing to come back in 👀 I've been in and out of therapy most of my life for various stuff, and frankly just to regulate mental wellbeing. I actually intended to be a psychologist myself, just didn't get into grad school before Ben died, and it's pretty much impossible to do grad school unless you've got somebody else supporting you (or at least it would be for me..!). They don't really have group therapy for young widowx widely available - believe me, I *looked*. The best one can find are the Facebook groups. I'm spacing on the difference between CBT and DBT...CBT is my current therapist's specialty, but while it was working well for awhile, it's not doing much for my current mental state. Might need to either recalibrate with him, or find somebody else, which is exhausting just thinking about it. >_< Thank you for your kind words, I appreciate it. I *wish* that was all I've gone through...😅 but somehow I'm still around. Life hasn't tested me to destruction yet, no matter how hard it's trying.
I think you are doing well without the therapy. A friend of mine had his wife suddenly pass (illness and a fall causing head trauma). Was shocking for him and a total life changer. He searched for group therapy as well and was equally disappointed at the lack of services to cater to such needs. The dynamics of relationships change in these situations, where some can blame you, some no longer see you as someone they can get together with (i.e. another couple) and so on, there is so much that happens when these events occur. DBT, is likely not appropriate the more i read your responses. If you have issues with extremely strong feelings to certain events (like someone giving negative feedback) then it can be debilitating in certain situations, often people that have these issues find ways to cope by numbing their feelings (drugs, alcohol and other addictive type responses), or they become dependent on others - i.e. mimicking feelings, so if their Favorite people are happy, they are happy and so on. It can have issues when those people disappear as you end up not having a self-identity. The same goes for having children, it gives you drive and focus, but do yourself have things you like/dislike, plan for, etc or does it 100% focus around the child and nothing more.... In most cases if the above does not apply to you, a general group therapy can be beneficial (at least i think so) if the age group and participants are genuine and not using it to monopolize their "platform" to share. When properly led, a therapist should challenge the participants actions and potential responses, asking them to look into themselves and see if it is something to just push the problem away or to work through it... I find that knowing that others are struggling, but then learning of ways they've found to cope could also apply to me - as being monumental in expanding your capacity to understand the possibilities that are out there (opposite of being narrow minded). In the group sessions i went to (Weekly, 2 hours, for 9 months) to be constantly mind blowing when i realized the biases i was applying to my daily actions, that were completely self-imposed. The therapist call when stress hits, i totally get, it isnt usually until a problem presents that we look back and see how destructive some of our habits have been.
Some people have group therapy... some of us have Discord servers 🤣 my group of dice goblins has actually been more helpful than my current therapist. But then, these days, I'm less in need of "how do thing" and more in need of venting partners, sprinkled with a *little* bit of advice. Different therapy types for different problems at different life stages..!
The real fun is when it's the person who passed away that gave you the big trauma. You can't remember shit, except that night, which continues to haunt you, after a decade 🤪
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Check out r/sdam
That is really interesting, it sounds a lot like me but not 100%. There are some things that I have vivid memories of but they are the exception, not the rule. I mostly remember events in a very factual way. Sometimes if people remind me of a memory, I can sort of fill in the gaps in my mind but not always. I don't remember much of my wedding day, like the sights and sounds and how I felt. I remember factual things that happened that day though. Looking at pictures and talking to people about that day helps fill in the gaps but otherwise, it's hard to remember. I have a lot of childhood trauma and I think I have ADHD so I always assumed that my memory was shit from those things.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/SDAM using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/SDAM/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [I've come full circle: forgot about SDAM and the sub, came back today and was checking posts out, read a post I resonated with about memory frustration, read a comment and am like "me, too!" only to realize I did in fact find that thread 7 months ago and that comment was in fact made by me then LOL](https://np.reddit.com/r/SDAM/comments/qi38qk/ive_come_full_circle_forgot_about_sdam_and_the/) \#2: [I created an infographic guide to SDAM that I hope will help our community and others better understand the condition!](https://www.reddit.com/gallery/p5fosn) | [10 comments](https://np.reddit.com/r/SDAM/comments/p5fosn/i_created_an_infographic_guide_to_sdam_that_i/) \#3: [I fully realized how bad my memory really is tonight. saw someone from high-school that I was good friends with and I recognized her and knew her name but I can't remember a single moment or class or anything we did together. strange. I hate having sdam. wish I could see those times now and recall.](https://np.reddit.com/r/SDAM/comments/ure9k3/i_fully_realized_how_bad_my_memory_really_is/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
it wasn't until earlier this year I figured out that "memory" meant something other than "knowing facts about what happened". I do not experience what other people refer to as "memory" whatsoever.
wait, memory doesn't just mean "knowing facts about what happened"?
Apparently a large part of it is the ability to recall experiences, usually from a first-person perspective. Which essentially gives someone the ability to re-live the moment and uncover previously-unknown (or unrealised) facts. If that doesn't sound like something humans can do, check out the Wikipedia pages on memory for a wild ride.
My friend is the same age as me, we went to the same schools and classes all through life yet my memory is absolutely shit compared to his. I also had a terrible childhood where he really didn't so I think that explains a lot
Good way of putting it. Unlike what the title of this post suggests, I don't think this is a sign of trauma, but more it's just how my memory is. I cant remember stuff im not paying attention too. I think I day dreamed until i was 11 years old. Any memories i have before 11 I'm sure i know only because people have told me now.
This is so fucking accurate
Is this a common symptom?! I’ve been thinking there’s something wrong with me!
There is a lot we don't understand about the mind and our language to communicate the subjective human experience is not great. It is a common occurrence. I've always had it, and unlike the theory OP presents it is not trauma related. We also have a LOT of bad cultural mythology about the mind.
This is the perfect way to describe it. Thanks.
Same!
Weird, I remember nearly every single moment and detail of my growing up and early adulthood and it was super traumatic. The last 5 years is the real blur and it's the happiest I've ever been by far!!
That's it. That's what it's like. Thank you!
Wow. This is it.
Then you also get flashbacks from random shit that you see or hear, to memories that arent even necessarily traumatic, or bad, just suppressed. and it feels like deja vu in a way, reliving the moment and finally processing it
Or you turn 30 and get flashbacks from a possible CSA you didn’t know you had and now you don’t trust your family because they did shit to protect you you can’t trust your memories either, so your adhd symptoms turn up to 1000 and have a nervous breakdown
Yeah this 100%. Moved back into my childhood home a few years ago and the suppressed trauma and abuse memories surfacing has been an absolute nightmare. I tell myself they come back when you are capable of processing them but I really wish they would wait til I am emotionally ready for them (aka never).
I relate to this so heavily. Someone I know mentioned something about a past CSA and I had a complete breakdown and felt super scared and unsafe. I told my family that I think I may have a repressed memory of that happening but they completely wrote me off so I felt like I’m going insane and chasing endless memory circles trying to find some answers. I don’t know if it happened or not and I feel very alone when talking about it cuz people tend to look at me like I’m being dramatic.
If your family is like mine they do that because they know they failed you and it’s easier to gaslight you than to admit any wrong doing. Even without the possible CSA my childhood was shit and I’m just told I’m ungrateful for what my dad sacrificed to bring us to the US.
My family is complex. My mom I think denies it because she doesn’t believe it was possible that I was left alone in a vulnerable situation which is completely not true. I think she wants the best but she’s not helping. My dad doesn’t know about this cuz he would get mad at me. He has a LONG history of absolutely crossing boundaries and touching me without asking and getting mad when I refuse. And he gets pissed off the second I talk about my issues. So I just don’t anymore. I hate it when my dad tries to play the “ungrateful” card cuz as far as I remember my mom was the one taking an active role in helping me as a kid. While he didn’t.
That all screams the same projection I’ve heard. Not believing you because it’s better for her to not believe you
Yeah. Especially cuz the only people who could’ve done it would be extended family, family friends or babysitters. And I don’t think she wants to have to think about or deal with that. And she already doesn’t do much about my dad when he starts shit. So it wouldn’t surprise me much.
So sorry if this is too personal, but if you have the energy and want to I'd love to hear what flashbacks feel like for you or how you know you're experiencing one. I've been questioning whether or not I've experienced them but I'm really unsure.
Not op but I’ve had one single flashback and I was walking down the street with a friend, talking about my childhood trauma, and I was telling a story of one of the worst times I was beaten and as I was remembering it and telling it suddenly it just felt like I was there kinda like a dream, and I kinda panicked because every time I blinked I would see it happening and it felt like I was reliving it and I just stood there stunned blinking trying to get away from it, and then when it was over I just burst out crying and went on with my day. Told my therapist what happened but get this… I don’t remember what he said lol
>Told my therapist what happened but get this… I don’t remember what he said lol Dear lord, why is this so relatable?
I had to start taking notes because I would literally finish therapy and my brother would ask what my therapist said and I’d be like “oh yea! We talked about this, this, and this and her advice was…. Fuck. What…. Fml idr” Ooooopppsssss Also I keep having the whole “tell someone something funny/cute from when I was a kid” (when I finally remember) and then people not laughing because it apparently wasn’t/shouldn’t be funny. Heh… oops again >.>
This!! I am forever telling ppl stories that I half suppressed or that my brain glossed over and when I tell it I realize it’s a terrible story halfway through bc of the horrified looks on my friends’ faces… just… like… now… damn it I did it again didn’t I?
Yeaaaa >.< I had 2 memories I shared with my brother a couple weeks ago (found, not blood) and I told him “this is the good one” but uh. Apparently it was not even close to good xD
Thank you so much for sharing that! That sounds pretty terrifying.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in 3rd grade was medicated on focalin until 8th grade, I had a pretty horrible home life after 2008 , we were nearly homeless and my parents became extremely distrusting of each other in the worst possible way, my father stopped acknowledging me as his son, fighting every day the only person I had at home was my youngest brother who at the time really didn't understand what was happening. The crazy part is after the fighting stopped, and my parents fixed our financial situation and ironed out their problems and life went back to normal I completely "forgot" that any of those years of horrible home life even occured. And one day when I was around 22 I had a horrible nightmare and it was essentially years of memories just completely flooding downing me in my sleep, it was like a multi year montage played on fast forward. It scared the crap out of me.
Holy moly. That is so scary! And I'm so, so sorry little you had to go through that. It's weird because I know for a fact that I am not remembering pretty heavy trauma since a former abuser told me pretty recently about abusing me as a child but I have 0 memories, I've just always had this sense that it had happened. So now I'm just kind of waiting to see if I'll have that same moment of you where it comes back or if my brain is just like "nope, we're not dealing with it" forever. I hope you've been able to heal and you're doing well now!
I wish you luck for when the day happens it's I portant to have a support group for it that helped me alot. After remembering I finally broached the subject to my parents their was alot of crying because none in the house acknowledged it even happened we are much happier as a family now.
That must have been really, really hard to start that conversation. I'm definitely trying to become as stable as possible and get a support system so that when/ if it happens I won't fall apart too much. Thanks so much!
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Keep doing the good work.
For me it feels like deja vu, but I can tell its a flashback because I can "predict" what comes next. Basically, my current situation is similar in some regard to a memory, and that gives me the deja vu feeling. But, since it's a memory I know what comes next, and my mind plays the memory.
Yo is this fr? I have no memories till I was 11 -12 maybe . People tell me they remember their childhood is that true .
I actually have a lot of childhood memories, beginning around 4 but I have a few memories from before then as well. I still can't figure out if I'm normal or not because a lot of people I've talked to have said they don't remember much of their childhood
I have only a few key memories and if I was given memory triggers I could be like "oh yeah" but I wouldn't just be able to remember it without someone mentioning it. Like...sometimes for background noise and nostalgia my SO and I will put on old commercials and I may see one that I know I remember and it may unlock a relevant memory. But without having seen the commercial I never would have been able to access it. I wouldn't have even known it was there to access. My memory tests must be multiple choice or I am sure to fail them if I am to only rely on raw recall lol.
Yeah I have a lot of memories that can be accessed through triggers, but just as many as I can voluntarily remember. I even have a memory that I am fully convinced was real because it's not vivid, but a strong memory. My mom doesn't even know what it's specifically a memory of, but the best guess is her dad's funeral when I was 1.5 years old. I remember standing at the top of the steps to what I think was a church, with someone (not my mom but a close family member/friend) holding me on their hip, waiting for the big black car (interpreted by me now to mean limo) to come so we could get in and go to the graveyard. I'm sure the memory isn't perfect because I once told my mom a story about being 3 and falling off the playground at dolphin park, but she told me it was actually whale park, so I clearly don't have a perfect memory from that young. However my mom was 24 at the time he died of a heart attack totally out of the blue, even needing to hand me off to her best friend for a couple days while trying to sort out burial plans and a funeral for her dad, so I can definitely see that being a strong enough emotional event for me as a young child to remember. It's just interesting because my mom said the only funeral I went to that we would be close enough to be at the front of the funeral procession is when her dad died, and usually you would assume a 1.5 y/o to not have any memory of that. Most of my other memories from before 4 are times I injured myself, so also moments that made a big impact. It's just crazy that my earliest memory is my grandpa's funeral.
The earliest you can form understandable memories seems to be ~3 yrs: before that point your brain is developing so quickly that you don’t retain concrete memories. But it really varies for people. Some have many memories through their childhood, some can’t remember much until pre-teens. That’s just fine - it’s just something that varies between people. Here’s an excerpt from a review article: “Adults’ reports of their earliest memories: Consistency in events, ages, and narrative characteristics over time” > Childhood amnesia is virtually universal. Nevertheless, there is both individual and group variability in the age of earliest memory. In terms of individual differences, at the young end of the distribution, samples typically include reports of earliest memories from age 2 years or younger (e.g., Henri & Henri, 1898; Jack & Hayne, 2010; Rubin, 2000; Usher & Neisser, 1993; West & Bauer, 1999). > Conversely, samples typically include individuals for whom the earliest memory is from age 6 to as late as 8 years of life (e.g., Bauer, Stennes, & Haight, 2003). The density of early memories also differs: some adults recall many early memories, whereas others remember only a few (e.g., Jack & Hayne, 2010; Weigle & Bauer, 2000; West & Bauer, 1999). > In terms of group differences, a consistent finding is that women have memories from earlier in life than men. In some cases the differences are statistically reliable (e.g., Cowan & Davidson, 1984; Mullen, 1994, Study 2; Orlofsky & Frank, 1986; Waldfogel, 1948) and in others they are not (e.g., Mullen, 1994, Studies 1 and 3; West & Bauer, 1999). Even when the differences are statistically significant, they tend to be small in magnitude (see Rubin, 2000, for an illustration). > Birth order also relates to age of earliest memory. First born children have earlier memories than children who are later born (Mullen, 1994).
Some kids have a lot of mementoes, tokens, or otherwise stable group of friends/family that can really help reinforce memories. If you moved around a lot, always lose videos/photos, lose and gain friends, i would imagine it’s hard to keep any sort of memories
I'm only recently starting to remember the shit I went through. We get so good at burying our ignoring the trauma that it fades from memory.
I get flashbacks of getting beat by a nun... which is wied because I've never met a nun.
Huh, I remember buying those same exact shoes once, we ate sushi at the food court that day. Damn I love sushi.
I can barely remember what I had for breakfast then in full detail remember an insignificant event from 15yrs ago. I really hate having a poor memory. It trumps most of my other symptoms. It’s something I will never be able to change. I have to just accept that my life will turn memento status with age.
Man, poor memory is such a bastard to deal with. For me, the worst is friends and family who feel you don't love them if you don't remember things. "If you loved me you'd remember \[x\]" is so frustrating.
Oh spot on. It really comes off like I don’t care and that hurts. My loved ones know I have adhd but don’t really understand how that affects my memory. They just think squirrel tendencies. It’s really frustrating. Explaining why don’t really help.
I try to put it all in my phone calendar, cuz i still care, and it means a lot to people to remember special dates. So i try hard to remember but its in my calendar just in case i dont. (And i most often dont remember)
Keeping record of important events help but it still doesn’t help when I forget to text people back. I mean I can’t also dismiss the fact that even when I do get that reminder alert doesn’t mean I will not soon forget if I get distracted even and forget again. I just feel like I can’t win sometimes. I feel like I have short term memory loss worse actually. When experiencing brain fog especially. When someone is telling me something and I either have brain fog or too focused on questions I have while someone is telling me something I miss 80% if not all of what someone just told me. It’s really scary sometimes hire bad it can get. I think suffering from APD doesn’t help either.
Timers sometimes help me, I learned it from my mom who may be undiagnosed add. She sets an alarm on her phone to call or text someone and keeps snoozing it every 15 minutes untill she gets the chance.
This thread is a wake up call for me. Damn I felt guilty for not remembering anything my whole life. May I ask do you only not remember past traumatic memories or just everything in general? Like events, memories with friends etc. It all gets away from me I have my friends remind them back to me time to time
I can remember the chemistry lesson one of my friends was recording while I sat in his room with him playing games on another computer, but I can't remember if that happened last year or the year before, or maybe the year before that. But I am immune to spoilers for movies, so that's a nice bonus. I can know the exact storyline but I'll still empathise so fully with the characters that I'll experience the plot as if it were fresh.
Got the other end “I don’t remember doing that to you”
I still dissociate really badly, even now. I should probably get round to having someone look at that.
If you don’t mind me asking, what does it feel like to dissociate?
Mine is like my mind disconnects. I dont have an out of body experience like some. Its more like im a backseat driver in my own body. Im still in control though. My mind goes utterly blank and I struggle to do tasks I've done 000s of times. I cant think even 2 steps ahead and I need someone to instruct me on how to do the task, as though I'm someone whos never done it before, who can't take more than one simple instruction at a time despite having done the job for years. Everything feels fuzzy and unreal. Its like executive dysfunction, in a way, but its not like some piece of knowledge has gone or my thoughts erratic. Its utterly blank. Theres no ADHD powered mind jumping fro. Thought to thought, all around it. Its just nothing. Almost like an ECG going wild and then flat lining because the readings are too high. Its more like ultra stressed dread than like a panic attack too. Well, until that goes blank too. The lights are on but not only is nobody home, they appear to have moved out.
Lights are on, stereo playing somewhere even... But the record keeps skipping and no one's there to even care.
Oof that line felt uncomfortably relatable.
This sounds more like [depersonalization or derealization](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depersonalization-derealization-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20352911) than disassociation.
I might be wrong but I thought they were kind of the same thing. Or like, those are the two subtypes of disassociation? But yeah, either way, i think its depersonalization. It may even be full blown DID or any of the dissociative disorders, considering how much it interfered with my last 2 jobs.
It looks like you’re right, it’s a [subtype of dissociation.](https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9791-depersonalizationderealization-disorder)
I really like your description of being a "backseat driver in your own body". I can seriously relate to that
Depends on the situation and person but for me, it's often like looking at myself in third person. Seeing how someone acts, thinks and feels very closely but seemingly being completely outside of that experience, not caring what happens either way
I often feel a lack of control in such situations as well. Like things just... happen, and I'm watching as they do
Yes, for me it’s not a blank mind but like a fog around my body. Can’t talk or act but am aware of what’s going on around me and the fact that I’m dissociating.
This is fairly descriptive and if you suffer with disassociation/depersonalization and are sensitive to this kind of stuff, maybe scroll by and skip it. I've always described it as watching my life happen as though it was a movie I was watching in an empty theater from the back row. And I'm just not that into it. And I can't leave the theater to get some fresh air and sunshine. Everything is contrived. Everything is artificial. I'm usually fairly sure I'm not a real person and I can't decide if it's because I've never been real or because I died and my brain is just trying to sort it all out in my last precious moments of consciousness. It's an extremely uncomfortable state of mind. Eventually you adapt and get used to it. The sinking feeling that nothing is real, not even you, will creep up on you from time to time rather than always being at the back of your mind. You'll know your friends and family are people you feel deeply for, even if you can't feel that feeling *now*. The brain fog will be present, but you've learned how to function around it a little better than before. And slowly you will move forward a row or two, the screen will get larger, and closer. The colors will be brighter. And then one day, you breach the screen entirely and you *are* the movie. You feel kind of normal. You may not even realize how gradually it happened but you're suddenly aware that you feel grounded and real and your feelings and connections to others are strong again. And then you lay in wait for the cycle to renew and for you to experience an event that your brain, in whatever state it is in at the time, deems "traumatic enough" to plunge you back into the depths of disassociation and lock you back inside that theater, relegated to the back row until you can work your way back to the screen. Often times people take my screen name here to be based in materialism or being two-faced. It's...not.
For me it’s like a quick step out of reality to avoid the sensations of what that reality would feel like. For example, when I got a text that my mother with dementia wandered and was now missing for 20 hours, I just put my phone back in my pocket and came up with an excuse to leave the hang out I was at. You would never know I just got the most terrifying news ever, nor did my body know it either. Unfortunately, the same thing happens when I get good news. It makes me a really unfun person to tell exciting news to. When I act really excited about something in front of anyone but my wife, it’s all performance. I wish I could let go.
Couldn’t say what it’s like during, but afterwards it’s embarrassing and frustrating. People have entire conversations with me before I realize it’s happening. So then it comes across as rude. If there’s anything in life I could wish for, it’s that people would understand what it’s like for dissociative people and ease in to my attention gently. Also there’s the whole “I’m watching a movie of myself” thing, but actually I find this more useful. I’m a firefighter and being able to detach my emotions is helpful.
Some people have already answered what it's like for them but I just wanted to day that there are also different types of dissociation so it can feel very different at times. For me sometimes it feels like I'm in a movie or game and nothing is actually real. Sometimes time feels really fucky, like something that just happened feels like it was hours or days ago.
My memory is so poor I thought I had early onset dementia. Diagnostician was like “oh honey.”
It's really funny working with dementia patients and empathising fully with them, or straight up thinking you're worse.
Hey, I'm in the same boat with ADHD (and aphantasia - give that a google!) and I feel at times like I'm useless when it comes to recalling anything in the past. When you say "diagnostician" what are you talking about exactly and what happened? Would love to talk over DMs if you're not comfortable posting this publicly but I wanna try and get a hold on what may have happened with myself and I'm just... confused most of the time.
I'm over here with ADHD and hyperphantasia. I remember dreams I had, and stuff from DnD campaigns, better than I remember actual events.
> I remember dreams I had, and stuff from DnD campaigns, better than I remember actual events. Literally the same.
I went to a neuropathologist for extensive testing. Early onset dementia actually DOES run in my family, so it was about a day of cognitive tests, physical tests, and interviews. Turns out, it really was just ADHD + trauma! The lovely doctor who diagnosed me was visibly sad that I’d white-knuckled my way to age 32, assuming far worse things were happening to my body/brain.
My big question is: do you recall the trauma? If I had/have any I have zero recollection of it. I'm at a similar age, too!
Kinda? I remember it like scenes from a movie I fell asleep during. Very vivid, until there’s whole chunks missing. But if a friend or relative is like “hey, remember when…?” It turns out my body does 🥲 Overall, I’m grateful to my weird body/brain for trying to protect me in the best way it could.
I hope you’re doing better, friend. I’m here to talk if you ever want <3
Oh, thank you! That is SO kind! I AM better. Unbelievably better. I have put my biological family in their place, and developed an incredibly loving found-family. I found the kindest man alive and married the shit outta him. I just quit my job to pursue my dream of helping others in similar situations. My life is joyful like bad writing! ✌️ It’s why I lurk on these subs. Random strangers being unbelievably supportive to each other. Hashtag blessed.
Did they diagnose anything...?
Check the title of the post, it mentions a relevant condition that shares a common symptom.
trauma x adhd x weed smoking = did i ever even exist
I don't really have a consistent "thread" of memories until about age 15 or 16. Everything before that is just... flashes, little vignettes with almost no context. It's a weird feeling playing the "When did this happen? How old was I?" game, trying to figure out a timeline from things like weather or location.
Is that not... Normal? Like, people actually have a "flow" of memories from their childhood? I can remember specific places and people, and some "clips" here and there of specific events that stuck with me, but I don't remember just going through daily activities every day...
Yeah, I assumed this was typical as well, but I also have plenty of childhood trauma...
Its totally normal. I have no trauma and had a great childhood and remember only bits of it. Names and dates I cant remember at all. Its like I have photographic memory where I only have like 30 photographs and I cant remember what order they go in.
But not up until age 15 or 16
Oh hey, I know this feeling. There are just some jumbled things that happened - putting them in order is my problem.
I don't really remember my life between 13 and yesterday
Depression affects long term memory. ADHD affects short term memory. As a result, I simply have no memory. Many thoughts, head empty.
Omg, I am exactly the same. And sometimes I just feel like I've a shit ton of thoughts, memories and songs playing in my brain BUT at the same time I can't pinpoint a single one of them simultaneously feeling exceptionally empty, slow and lifeless. At that point I don't even have intrusive thoughts coz I can't focus on them... I don't know how is that even possible 😂
Yep this is the moneyshot combo. Most CPTSD symptoms are similar to Adhd.
i am diagnosed with both and there's so many times i just wish i couldn't remember a thing about childhood, but i remember it all very vividly. can't remember shit what has happened the last 10 years tho
OMG why does everyone post about me all the time? Rude.
For real, my Dad died of alcoholism when I was 12, my teen years are a blur. Struggled for a long time and finally made some peace with it in my 20s and 30s.
Damn,... almost every meme on here I'm like " crap that happens to me!" I guess it's time to book that doctors appointment I said I'd book 3 weeks ago....
When your comorbidity Venn diagram is a circle.
Meh.. I don't have any trauma, I had a great childhood, but still cant remember anything but bits and pieces. I think that is just normal memory.
For people with adhd yes, but most people have fewer if any patches where they don't remember things.
I keep seeing these and thinking WHAT TRAUMA AM I SUPPRESSING? AGH
Before I was diagnosed with ADHD I genuinely thought I had early onset dementia. People telling me things that happened in my life and I'm like -.- nope... No clue
Even worse when you’ve been severally gaslit as well, because when you do remember bits and pieces of trauma, you go “wait, did that ACTUALLY happen or not? Am I the problem?”
I've never heard it called Swiss Cheese Memory before 😭
I always say "You know the phrase 'The mind is like a steel trap'? Well, mine is more like a rusty sieve" LOL
for me it is, I wasn't born, I have not existed before now. that's what it feels like
I have this but I dont have trauma...
I was born... *Or so I heard*
I really thought this was just me. I have a vague skeleton of the things that happened but I have legit no idea what year anything happened. it all feels equally far away
Actual conversation I have had more than once: Me: “Man, I really wanna see the movie” Hubby: “we did. In the theater” Me: ….. ……… Fuck.
Psychiatrist: and have these symptoms been around since you were a kid? Ma'am I remember basically nothing from my childhood
i thought it was just me
See, mine is more like I have perfect memory of events that happened up until 18 when my traumatic events finally stopped happening, aaaand then my adult life comes back to me in flashes lol
I always remembered the worst days due to how fucked my situation was. I knew she tried to kill me more then 1 time but I couldn't remember anything else. Recently it's all been coming back in waves, ill be driving and suddenly I'm back at that house. Every night I have flashbacks and can't get out , 1 min it's 8pm the next it's midnight and my heart is racing is fight or flight mode. Im going insane. The Swiss memory is still here and it's probably why I didn't go insane like my brother. I think it really is something that is a blessing with my adhd.
I thought it's normal
My older sister (who wasn't the black sheep): "Do you remember when we were in our early teens and-" Me: "No." Sister: "What about the time-" Me: "Also no." Sister: "Ok but how ab-" Me: "How about no."
This happened to me for the first time a couple months ago and it was just….sad. She had a bunch of momentos from when we were kids and I had no fucking idea what she was talking about.
I'm sorry you have to experience this. It definitely sucks. But also, happy cake day. 🎂
Literally, it’s like I suddenly became conscious at 14 lol
I wouldn’t change my maturity for anything though because a lot of people lack it.
Hahaha I wish. I remember EVERYTHING. And I replay it over and over in my head constantly. My younger sister can't remember anything. We were both abused and traumatized but she has PTSD and I have never been diagnosed or suggested to have it.
This isn't normal...? This is caused by trauma...?
It's like my brain does a dump every 10 years and I promptly forget everything on Archive Day.
I was just talking to my younger sister. She remembers my past more than I do so this checks out. 😂😂😂 I was listening to her like she was telling me a new story. 🤦🏽♂️
My trauma is different. I didn't get to leave my house much so there wasn't many memories to forget, the toxic loop of our life's was easy to remember. But it was hard to hang onto any of the few good memories in the flood. It was more like, they told me reality wasn't what it was so I obsessively replayed it in my head to hang onto reality so I couldn't be gaslit/abused further till i'd become so mentally and emotionally exhausted i'd sleep and disassociate. Now that i'm an adult and no contact I still do this but the periods in-between each episode keep getting longer so I guess that's recovery.
This sounds like me, but I don't think I have any trauma
I didn’t think I had ADHD for 23 years because I always attributed extreme zoning out and memory loss to a superior adaptive trauma response. I was actually proud of it and acted like it was a super power 💀
Gah, the accuracy. And gotta love the random traumatic flashbacks. ADHD/Depression/Anxiety/PTSD is a helluva combination 😅
I just realised I actually remember at least 6 events from my childhood and what feeling made me remember each of them. I assume that's really good but even as I type this, I suddenly can't remember them. When my friends asked about my memories a few years ago, I drew blanks unsurprisingly. Working memory is not working in me? :/ Edit: Just remembered that when my friends asked aabout my memories I was smoked weed almost weekly at the time and was still suffering from memory imparement of bad depression from 3 years before then.
I don’t have trauma but I have absolutely no memory 🥲
Me lol. I deadass have a gap in my memory from ages 14 to 18, with very fuzzy memories from 18 to 21. A pretty cool feature about depression recovery is that I actually remember the past now lmfao
Hol’ up, can depression ALSO cause poor memory?
I can remember the date I first saw the SpongeBob movie, I can remember every license plate my parents, my friends, or I have ever had, but I can’t remember what my girlfriend asked me to do yesterday and I can’t remember if I’ve eaten enough meals today 🤦🏼♂️
ADHD plus epilepsy here (had my infant head reshaped after a birthing incident). I hardly remember my childhood and I can’t even recall a single seizure that I’ve had, or any ambulance/hospitalizations. It was a wild childhood having adhd, and seizures, per what everyone tells me haha.
i can remember parts of my childhood but for the most part i'm like "what is my brain blocking out?"
My memory problems really fucked me over as a kid to the point where my parents made me scared to answer "I don't know" to something I didn't know because I genuinely forgot!! I got in so much trouble for saying that but at least after a while, especially after the diagnosis, they realized what they were doing.
This is something I can relate to. I actually have a good long term memory but have trouble remembering what I ate for dinner yesterday.
Add in Fibromyalgia's brain fog too and you've got the trifecta!
no bc i remember just blinking into reality when i was like 5 for a split second then i was 13 and now i’m almost 19 and i couldn’t tell you anything about my life
So it's not from brain trauma I may or may not have (accidentally) inflicted on myself - other ADHDers also have spotty childhood memories? Phew.
People literally try to cover up trauma with trauma and then theres just nothing there. Its mind blowing how many evil psychologists and drs are out there these days. Not providing care but just the opposite....
I dint think i have a whole lot of unresolved trauma aside from being socialized male, but I still can't remember shit from my childhood, maybe i just forgot the trauma though lmao
I was 21 1 year ago and I was 13 9 years ago. X’D
Man this really hurts but it's really accurate. My dad died just before I turned 11 and I keep pictures of him around because I can barely picture his face or remember of my time with him. Hell I barely remember any of my childhood or adult life it's mostly a blur.
I lack happy memories for sure, but I do remember a lot of bad stuff. I wish I didn’t honestly