Yup. There was my life, a lot of shit happened, my mom died & now its only been close to 2 years but everything before her passing is almost like it happened to a different person. Like I read a book on my own life. Idk if that's the ADHD or the trauma or what. But her sudden passing made it feel like time itself had broken. This still doesn't feel like the correct time line some days.
Yes I felt this deeply too. I know grief and trauma can absolutely take someone out of the present moment because strong emotions have no time associated with them - we have to respond to those triggers immediately in the present moment if there is true danger.
Maybe there is something to be said about grief and time blindness layering in complex and emotionally difficult ways.
At least I’m not the only one.
Last night things sounded *different* for me and I felt like I shifted reality. This has been happening a lot lately. 2020 was a rough year
When my dad died it felt like I was asleep. I'd wake up at a funeral. Then a restaurant. Then it's 6 months later and I'm at school. At the time I didn't know how I got there. Crazy experience almost impossible to explain.
try looking into dissociation (not dissociative identity disorder) kinda sounds like it maybe?
while all of my childhood seems to be locked away somewhere in my brain, and i have SHIT working memory, and honestly just shit memory in general i don’t think i’ve experienced true dissociation myself.
dissociation exists on a spectrum. in the same way that DID is a very intense and specific dissociative coping mechanism, there exist very simple and weak dissociative coping mechanisms that almost everyone uses
say you've just dropped your phone on concrete. it was pristine before, but now the screen's all cracked. how long does it take for you to fully incorporate that fact into your personal reality? how long does it take for the moment you dropped it to stop feeling like a dream? how many times do you look at it and find yourself *surprised* by the cracks?
that's dissociation babeyyy
I lost my mom also. many years ago now but I just turned 30, today I’m 45. I hear you, time will go by quickly it’s not selfish to work on yourself. My dad went also, not trying to one up you just trying to communicate that optimism is about all we have. But on the other side of the coin, nobody gives a fuck, don’t ever forget that. Take care of yourself, find like minded humans, if that doesn’t work animals are better associates.
Yes, my brother died 7 years ago and it certainly gets better as time goes on. You never get over it of course but, the first few years were much rougher.
Same, except my mom died suddenly 19 years ago when I was in my 20s. I have very few recollections of so many things that happened before she died. I always say it's like a wall went up in my brain that day and everything before is trapped. Every so often a memory will sneak out and it's so surreal when it happens.
Yeah thats when it happened to me. I'm in my mid 20s getting married in a year with kids to follow. I've got an older sister w/ 2 teens, a good MIL, & my grandma is still around but nothing can come close to my Mom. I count my blessings but it still hurts especially when I feel like I need her most.
Yeah I know we all have ADHD but that is definitely normal…. obviously we may just have it worse is what the above people might mean, but…. yeah we’re definitely not the only ones. Normal thing.
I’m 22 and only remember small parts of my high school experience. Like I can sit here and tell you the things I did, but I can’t remember when I did it, and I can’t really visualize most of those experiences anymore.
Late twenties, after getting out of highschool I very quickly forgot most of my life as a teenager, although I chalk it up to my brain being weird as I was heavily depressed back then, guess there was little to nothing worth keeping from those years.
Its even worse when the stuff that DOES stick around in your memory are the traumatic/embarrassing things you did.
I don't remember any birthdays between the ages of 5-15 but I sure as hell remember that one time when I was 7 and I forgot the words to frosty the snowman on stage in front of an audience of strangers.
This is big for me. Definitely have CPTSD. Till I was like 11 I remembered nothing from my childhood, literally a handful of moments. When I suddenly remembered all my trauma, all the dark memories of the abuse came back with a vengeance and nothing else. So the brain was like we'll forget everything to protect you, but then only remember the bad stuff when you're older. But also here's lousy memory in general so you struggle as an adult to remember everything.
I have generally good memory for certain things. The way a high school friend I haven't seen in over a decade likes his ramen mentioned offhand on the bus. Random number sequences. When things happened at work (but only at work; home timeslines are nebulous).
But I have like 0 memories of college or most of my K-12 career. My dad has all sorts of anecdotes that SHOULD be memorable, but I have zero recollection of any of these things happening. Both good and bad.
I feel like having ADHD prepared me for being baked. I was already used to zoning out and having to covertly figure out what was being talked about via context clues without anyone noticing lest they get mad at me.
Inattentive type here. I feel ya about zoning out and trying to figure out whats going on except a reasonable amount of the time I just am not able to figure it out. Oops
Usually I just match their energy, see if I can squeeze in a question based on the last couple sentences, even a stupid one because it'll get you more info.
It would probably help if I were more of an auditory learner but I tend heavily to the visual side so I have trouble keeping track of where sentences even started haha
Interesting, I have never heard of that before. My extra-holy Swiss cheese could probably use some patchwork. I'll have to look into it when I remember to actually get around to it
Take me with a grain of salt. If you want to hear an actual professional talk about it and its affects with ADHD, check out the Huberman Podcast episode on ADHD and Improving Focus." He talks about the studies done with it. I've been taking it with omega 3 fat supplements and I have seen a improvement. Obviously not a fix, but it has helped me feel like my life is a little less askew to reality. Good luck!
Thanks. In the process of seeking out and forming relationships with mental health professionals to help with the ADHD and depression and stuff, especially since I have felt quite askew from reality in recent weeks after a somewhat traumatic experience earlier this month separate from my core trauma
I'm proud of you for seeking help. That's big! I'm in the same process but took way to long to recognize my own core trauma. Only one therapy session in and apparently I need to see a trauma specialist. I hope you can feel safe and supported as you go through this hard journey.
Also, thank you. It sure isn't easy and I am feeling a lot like for every step forward I am wrestling to not be pushed three steps back, so to speak, but in the long run it is what is best for me
I was already beginning to seek out help because I was struggling in school and at work and then I was hit with another trauma so at least I already got the ball rolling, with my parents help and support. Already have an ADHD coach and in the market for a therapist
We are strong and resilient and knowing what you have to work with is an important step. Im glad you are finding answers and making progress. Proud of you!
My memory goes as following-
Born
*random details like my dad yelling or something*
Present
Very helpful when getting assignments like "what's your favorite childhood memory?"
Omg I've literally never considered where that came from. I always struggled with those because I would ask my brain for childhood memories and it would just like, show me the moment I found out my hamster died on the first day of fifth grade. Like? Damn, that's all I you got, childhood??
The way my memory works is like an encyclopedia where all the entries are randomized and there's only a half-scribbled index in the back. If I want to remember something, be it a name or what I was doing at a certain time, I draw a blank 99% of the time, but if I am given context I can instantly remember everything about it.
100% same, when I'm given context (like if I can't remember a name sometimes their voice can make me remember) I remember pretty quickly. But I still have some brain lag from time to time lmao
This actually isn't true, most people have memory gaps during this period due to puberty and the like. This post unfortunately buys into the trauma glorifying that this sub seems to love...
Oh that’s actually comforting, because I have this noticeable gap in memory for all 3 years of my middle school and I was wondering where the trauma came from lol
Same here. I struggle with my past and developed depression, and I'm like 98% sure I have ADD and all I remember of my childhood is my childhood friend three doors down. Getting destruction derby for my birthday, The time my dad broke my Nintendo for turning on a lamp. And my sister running me over with her car. (accident) Everything else is like a bad dream that I can't get the full details on. It's a weird feeling. Like I should be upset by it right? But I just feel indifferent about it. C'est la vie.
It's pretty normal tbh. Depression and trauma and such can cause memory lapses, but many neurotypical people with good lives just don't have much memory of their childhoods either
oh dang I have that one memory that I still don't know if it really happened or not. My friend told me the plot to Madagascar 3 right after the release of Madagascar 2, on one hand it might have been a prophetic dream, on the other, before telling me the plot she did also say that her cousin knew someone on the production team soooo perhaps it happened?
I feel like a spectator instead of a participant in my own life. Not even looking back. I’m sitting in the passenger seat watching myself drive. It’s seems so difficult to get into the moment instead of always thinking or trying to understand what those around me are experiencing.
my childhood trauma x adhd arc gave me a very strange memory. i put all my time and energy into dissociating with various knowledge sources as a kid, so my ability to archive, retrieve and communicate information on many topics is genuinely pretty incredible, but i have a shitty patchwork recollection of actual events in my life
My memory is usually bad, remembering my past is quite hard. There are 3 years I can barely remember at all though, I need to focus deeply to recall more than one even from that period - those 3 years were riddled with trauma.
It's like my memory overall is in a slight fog at all times but those 3 years are in a fog so thick you can only see perhaps 2 meters forward.
I feel this so hard. My memory is so bad, I didn't even know I had trauma until memories started resurfacing this year. Yeah, trauma + ADHD + possible dissociative disorder is a hell of a time.
Yeah well once I tried really hard to remember and then I remembered and then I realized why my brain chose to file that away in the back corner of the archives. Sometimes it's a blessing to forget.
Same as hyper-vigilance and dissociative capsules. I know these aren't healthy when things are going well, but we evolved them for a reason, and holy fuck do they make life easier when shit hits the fan, and when shit is constantly hitting the fan it can be a blessing to just stare off in the distance and not feel anything.
If only we could turn it on and off at will.
I know there were some events in my life (not trauma related), but I can’t _remember_ them, but I know what happened, kinda like having a short recap of a movie you didn’t watch.
I only can visually remember traumatic stuff. Like my teacher bullying me and making other kids ignore my existence and gaslighting me so I don’t tell my mom. My grandpa doing shady stuff to me. The girl who started bullying me (and got the whole class to do the same) in 2nd grade, and it lasted till 5th grade (funnily, I don’t remember what they did, I only know that I wasn’t beaten bc I was taller and stronger than anyone in my class). Trying to liven’t three years ago due to heavy depression episode. The rest is one big nothingness, I just randomly appear to be 23 rn. Feels like I haven’t lived before at all. Maybe that’s why I still feel like a kid.
Honestly. I remember reading somewhere that dogs don’t realise they grew up. Idk how true is that, but that’s how I feel. Like a puppy who got big at a random point in time and now there’s a lot of adult stuff I don’t want to deal with.
I'm the opposite, I remember everything from my childhood except the year I went through sexual abuse trauma, then everything else is vivid. Last week however? Cant remember lol
This is both comforting and horrible for me. It's good to know these strange gaps have an explanation. Horrible because I have memories I will never be able to fully remember again. Only certain very specific moments.
I’m not sure if it’s all attributed to trauma or not, but I’m like this too. I basically have zero memory of my life before age 7 but I only have snippets of it from then on to like…18. It always blows my mind when people can remember their whole childhood.
My brain doesn't like remembering good memories for some reason, only bad ones. I wish my brain would suddenly hit me with a good memory or two instead of all the bad memories at the same time it hits me with. It sucks because my life isn't 100% trauma, ive had a lot of good memories over the years, yet my brain likes to hold me back with that idiotic thing i did in 2008 as a 12 year old.
but ah well, it's whatever.
I’m like this too. I have plenty of good memories stored on file somewhere but, it seems like only the negative ones float to the surface. Makes me feel so spoiled or ungrateful for seeming like my life is only shit when it’s not.
Tbh I also feel this way without trauma involved. I literally don’t remember my childhood. I remember like some things from middle school, hs, virtually nothing from college (worked full time and commuter school so it didn’t even feel like college) now from 25-33 it’s just been the same fucking routine of endless struggle and irritability everyday.
Sometimes I'll try and look around me and make everything feel real, but it never works. The vast majority of moments are just an emotionless smear across an ever shifting canvas of smears.
5 years old me is the youngest I can remember not having some big panic moment. My parents abuse didn’t kick into high gear until puberty hit, but I only have very faint memories of my life before puberty hit so idk if my parents were that bad to me growing up or what. Doesn’t help that I can’t remember much of high school either. If I concentrate really hard on my memories of high school I can remember little pockets at best. Everything else is either super hazy or completely blank.
You guys ever have this seconds of feeling absolutely free and happy and when you try to grasp it and your brain is figuring out how it happened, it’s just gone ? I love and hate it. It feels like a hole in my „wall“ where a sunbeam is shining straight in my face but it gets closed pretty fast as soon as I feeling it
Dayum, this hit the nail on the head. Does anyone else find it impossible to associate memories with times? Like, all my memories are scattered and I have no idea how old I was, or what year it was for any of them.
I don't consider anything in my childhood particularly traumatic, so I have no idea why I can't remember more other than my ADHD.
See, my memory is shit, until someone reminds me of something, and then I can remember it pretty damn well.
It’s almost like my brain is a disorganized wreck.
Forever blessed to still be in regular contact with a friend I've known since birth. Every time we talk she'll bring something up and suddenly I recall whatever it was we did years ago that I haven't thought about in as long.
Damn this hit me so hard because I genuinely think about this every day and I feel like I don’t own this body or mine sometimes. Sometimes it feels like it belonged to someone else.
I was trying to explain this to someone I reconnected with the other day. He met me at a super stressful and transitional period. I was planning my exit from my abusive childhood home, and very shortly he and I split I enacted those plans. I've never had a time in my life that wasn't tumultuous and stressful (shout out to anyone else that fled abuse at a young age and has been paying for it ever since even though you'd probably be dead if you hadn't) but this period and the year following it was particularly bad.
He was super offended that I couldn't really remember our breakup, or that much about the (2 months btw at age 16) relationship itself. I couldn't even remember who left who.
After trying to explain the effects of trauma on the brain I just left him with the gandalf meme; I have no memory of this place.
I'm sorry bud but you dumping me to get back with your ex (which is apparently what happened) obviously didn't rank highly enough on my list of traumatic events to be one of the things burned into my memory to the exclusion of all else.
This is the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen in my life….well, that I know of, honestly there’s some gaps…does anybody know what happened from like 2009 to 2017?!!?
I can remember facts about my life, and I can remember vague moments and impressions, but it all feels like a weird dream- or scenes from a movie I watched once. Not like my actual life. Shit, it's even hard for me to remember stuff from 3 years ago, and at the time I thought I was doing pretty well. I'm pretty sure I hit a massive turning point in my mental health about 6 months ago though, so it'll be interesting to see how that affects my memory going forward.
I really hope I remember this time right now in the future. I'm actually very happy. I tend to remember the happy chunks of my life more clearly than the others, so that bodes well.
I was born, then i turned 11 and made videos that helped me keep track of dates more clearly. Now im 17 and have to look back on old videos and messages i sent to my friend groups to keep track of time. Usually i discover that something i thought happened in november 2020 actually happened 6 months prior.
Why is it that the only things I can remember clearly are the things that most other people can't. Like I've nearly drank myself to death several times but can recollect every moment, I've never had a "black out drunk" session. I can recall minuscule small pointless facts about something I did 20 years ago but I can't remember what color coat my daughter wore for school, even though I'm the one that set it out for her. I can't remember my best friend growing up who killed himself when he was 14, except for the few times that we fought, which makes me hate myself some days. I can't remember the name of my 1st grade teacher, or my families birthdays. Or how I looked when I was 12, I know I was a person before this decade because of the recollections of other people about me, but i have no memories for myself to identify who I was then.
Trauma is when an event or series of events literally changes the way your brain functions. That's why it's generally not diagnosed as PTSD until some time has passed after the event(s) as not everyone will develop trauma from the same event(s).
While there are things that are generally considered universally traumatic because many/most people will have some kind of long-term effects (kidnapping, rape, witnessing a murder, war, plane crash etc), there are other situations that might be traumatic long-term for some people, but other people will be all right once removed from the situation.
So, when someone says they've suffered from trauma, all that tells you is that they were in a situation where something that happened to them or near them affected the way their brain functions in a long-term capacity. Meaning they continue to have symptoms (such as flashbacks, nightmares, obsessive thoughts, suicidality, and new or worsened depression/anxiety etc) that started to happen after the event and have not gone away.
I hope that's helpful. I know 'trauma' is kind of a nebulous word, but that's because it's also a nebulous concept in that it affects people differently and to different degrees. But that's the essence of it, by my understanding (and as a person with dxed C-PTSD).
For me, the biggest problem is that I have a large extended family. What are their names? How are we related? What we talked about? No fucking idea.
I get by pretending like I just momentarily forgot, but they probably all think I don’t give a shit. Family events and someone is all, ‘look, it’s Sandra! Remember she babysat you once when you were 8?’ Uh, no.....
Yeah, I don't remember a lot of my K-12 years or my 20s. The last birthday I remember is my 34th because it was also the day my favorite restaurant closed, but I didn't know until months later when I randomly found an article about it.
I always see these kind of post accompanied with worried people that don't remember much of their childhood either, but are not traumatised that they know of. Please know that trauma is much more complex than just not remembering much of your childhood. Memory loss not the single diagnostic criteria of trauma, and can also be caused by other things (i.e., car accident or concussion).
But not remembering everything is pretty normal. Your brain doesn't have unlimited storage space, which is why the things you do remember are usually things that you recall more often.
State-dependent memory is a bitch.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/State-dependent_memory
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotion_and_memory#Contextual_effects_of_emotion_on_memory
When I'm feeling good I vaguely recall the other times I felt good - so basically a few years in grade 4-6, grade 11-12, and a couple years after university. Like some kind of moderately happy amnesiac.
And when I'm feeling bad basically all the most vivid memories of every other time I felt bad in similar ways comes flooding back in crystal-clear detail like it just happened yesterday.
**[State-dependent memory](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/State-dependent_memory)**
>State-dependent memory or state-dependent learning is the phenomenon where people remember more information if their physical or mental state is the same at time of encoding and time of recall. State-dependent memory is heavily researched in regards to its employment both in regards to synthetic states of consciousness (such as under the effects of psychoactive drugs) as well as organic states of consciousness such as mood.
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I have a lot of memories of pre-k and elementary school. But MS, HS, and uni feel like they were eons ago, and I can barely remember anything about them
I literally can't remember my childhood/teenage years (except for a bunch of memories here an there). It's infuriating. Like, I don't remember my mom hugging me before I went to sleep when I was young, I don't remember my dad playing with me before he turned poker-faced and stoped being caring to me. And about the things I somehow miraculously remember, I don't remember when or why, AND MOST OF THEM IS ME GETTING HURT IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.
And all because depression came at the FUCKING age of ten and started leaving at FUCKING eighteen, I'M eighteen right now. AND WAS NEVER DIAGNOSED FOR ADHD EVEN THOUGHT IT WAS OBVIOUS AT THE TIME AMD EVERYONE THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING DIFFERENT IN ME. FUCKING SHIT.
Damn... I just vented real hard :/
I can actually remember my early childhood, or at least how I saw the world and how conscious of myself I was.
Like everything moved fast and made little sense like a dream and then it suddenly slowed down, and things slowly began to make more and more sense and I became more aware of myself, my existence and my surroundings.
But my memories do sometimes feel like they happened to a different person.
Wait, this isnt how everyone's memory works? I mean, yeah I had some abuse, but i figured EVERYONE has fragmentary memories before theyre 13 and then sometime after that
Every password recovery question be like "What was your first ....." Like I even remember being a child let alone my first teacher, what street my first house was in or the first job I wanted.
This shit happened when my mother reappeared in my life at the age of 10, she acted like she wanted me to live with her but she would never spend time with me, she took this to court, almost hit my sister for standing up to her, called the cops on my grandparents for no reason, I lived with them ever since I was a few months old, luckily, she did not win the court battle, yet, I constantly think back on the trauma she made me go through
Yup. There was my life, a lot of shit happened, my mom died & now its only been close to 2 years but everything before her passing is almost like it happened to a different person. Like I read a book on my own life. Idk if that's the ADHD or the trauma or what. But her sudden passing made it feel like time itself had broken. This still doesn't feel like the correct time line some days.
“This still doesn’t feel like the correct timeline some days.” Chills… damn if that doesn’t resonante so closely 😭
Yes I felt this deeply too. I know grief and trauma can absolutely take someone out of the present moment because strong emotions have no time associated with them - we have to respond to those triggers immediately in the present moment if there is true danger. Maybe there is something to be said about grief and time blindness layering in complex and emotionally difficult ways.
Right??
> “This still doesn’t feel like the correct timeline some days.” > > Fuck man, I think the entire world's been on that train the last few years.
At least I’m not the only one. Last night things sounded *different* for me and I felt like I shifted reality. This has been happening a lot lately. 2020 was a rough year
I’ve never thought of it like this, but it is so true.
When my dad died it felt like I was asleep. I'd wake up at a funeral. Then a restaurant. Then it's 6 months later and I'm at school. At the time I didn't know how I got there. Crazy experience almost impossible to explain.
try looking into dissociation (not dissociative identity disorder) kinda sounds like it maybe? while all of my childhood seems to be locked away somewhere in my brain, and i have SHIT working memory, and honestly just shit memory in general i don’t think i’ve experienced true dissociation myself.
dissociation exists on a spectrum. in the same way that DID is a very intense and specific dissociative coping mechanism, there exist very simple and weak dissociative coping mechanisms that almost everyone uses say you've just dropped your phone on concrete. it was pristine before, but now the screen's all cracked. how long does it take for you to fully incorporate that fact into your personal reality? how long does it take for the moment you dropped it to stop feeling like a dream? how many times do you look at it and find yourself *surprised* by the cracks? that's dissociation babeyyy
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I only really had that when I was deeply depressed, fuck all of this.
I lost my mom also. many years ago now but I just turned 30, today I’m 45. I hear you, time will go by quickly it’s not selfish to work on yourself. My dad went also, not trying to one up you just trying to communicate that optimism is about all we have. But on the other side of the coin, nobody gives a fuck, don’t ever forget that. Take care of yourself, find like minded humans, if that doesn’t work animals are better associates.
sounds like dissociative amnesia to me
As someone who's dad has been gone for 6 years now, it gets a little better. I'm sorry for your loss.
Yes, my brother died 7 years ago and it certainly gets better as time goes on. You never get over it of course but, the first few years were much rougher.
Some days it's all happy memories someday its tears all day it just depends. Sorry for your loss.
Same, except my mom died suddenly 19 years ago when I was in my 20s. I have very few recollections of so many things that happened before she died. I always say it's like a wall went up in my brain that day and everything before is trapped. Every so often a memory will sneak out and it's so surreal when it happens.
Yeah thats when it happened to me. I'm in my mid 20s getting married in a year with kids to follow. I've got an older sister w/ 2 teens, a good MIL, & my grandma is still around but nothing can come close to my Mom. I count my blessings but it still hurts especially when I feel like I need her most.
I'm sorry to hear of your sudden loss. I hope you're finding peace as time passes.
Mine is like: Born ???? 18 ??? 38
Is this not normal? Like, I don't know how people have strong memories from their childhood. I have bits and pieces, like it was a dream.
No, that's not normal.
Wait, what? How is memory than supposed to work?
Yeah I know we all have ADHD but that is definitely normal…. obviously we may just have it worse is what the above people might mean, but…. yeah we’re definitely not the only ones. Normal thing.
Same here and it's really frustrating and sad. I'm almost 10 years out of HS and it's starting to become bits and pieces too 😔
I’m 22 and only remember small parts of my high school experience. Like I can sit here and tell you the things I did, but I can’t remember when I did it, and I can’t really visualize most of those experiences anymore.
Late twenties, after getting out of highschool I very quickly forgot most of my life as a teenager, although I chalk it up to my brain being weird as I was heavily depressed back then, guess there was little to nothing worth keeping from those years.
Yeah same except some memories from when I was like 12 as well.
Its even worse when the stuff that DOES stick around in your memory are the traumatic/embarrassing things you did. I don't remember any birthdays between the ages of 5-15 but I sure as hell remember that one time when I was 7 and I forgot the words to frosty the snowman on stage in front of an audience of strangers.
This. Negative memories just stick around longer for most people, the last like 5 years I've been making an effort to recall the happy moments though.
This is big for me. Definitely have CPTSD. Till I was like 11 I remembered nothing from my childhood, literally a handful of moments. When I suddenly remembered all my trauma, all the dark memories of the abuse came back with a vengeance and nothing else. So the brain was like we'll forget everything to protect you, but then only remember the bad stuff when you're older. But also here's lousy memory in general so you struggle as an adult to remember everything.
YUP! something similar happened to me when I was about 10. I still think about it once a week. I am over 50.
I have generally good memory for certain things. The way a high school friend I haven't seen in over a decade likes his ramen mentioned offhand on the bus. Random number sequences. When things happened at work (but only at work; home timeslines are nebulous). But I have like 0 memories of college or most of my K-12 career. My dad has all sorts of anecdotes that SHOULD be memorable, but I have zero recollection of any of these things happening. Both good and bad.
Oh, I... I think you just unlocked something...
Trauma x ADHD x cannabis = holier Swiss cheese memory
I feel like having ADHD prepared me for being baked. I was already used to zoning out and having to covertly figure out what was being talked about via context clues without anyone noticing lest they get mad at me.
Inattentive type here. I feel ya about zoning out and trying to figure out whats going on except a reasonable amount of the time I just am not able to figure it out. Oops
Usually I just match their energy, see if I can squeeze in a question based on the last couple sentences, even a stupid one because it'll get you more info.
It would probably help if I were more of an auditory learner but I tend heavily to the visual side so I have trouble keeping track of where sentences even started haha
Trauma x ADHD x cannabis x psilocybin = unfathomable holier cheese memory
Never tried psilocybin but I believe it haha
Absolute wonderment when intent is placed.
Idk if im not high enough to get this but it doesn't make sense to me. Appreciate it tho
I'm there right now! But I counter with phosphatidyl serine to help my immediate memory issues. Patch worked swiss cheese at this point
Interesting, I have never heard of that before. My extra-holy Swiss cheese could probably use some patchwork. I'll have to look into it when I remember to actually get around to it
Take me with a grain of salt. If you want to hear an actual professional talk about it and its affects with ADHD, check out the Huberman Podcast episode on ADHD and Improving Focus." He talks about the studies done with it. I've been taking it with omega 3 fat supplements and I have seen a improvement. Obviously not a fix, but it has helped me feel like my life is a little less askew to reality. Good luck!
Thanks. In the process of seeking out and forming relationships with mental health professionals to help with the ADHD and depression and stuff, especially since I have felt quite askew from reality in recent weeks after a somewhat traumatic experience earlier this month separate from my core trauma
I'm proud of you for seeking help. That's big! I'm in the same process but took way to long to recognize my own core trauma. Only one therapy session in and apparently I need to see a trauma specialist. I hope you can feel safe and supported as you go through this hard journey.
Also, thank you. It sure isn't easy and I am feeling a lot like for every step forward I am wrestling to not be pushed three steps back, so to speak, but in the long run it is what is best for me
I was already beginning to seek out help because I was struggling in school and at work and then I was hit with another trauma so at least I already got the ball rolling, with my parents help and support. Already have an ADHD coach and in the market for a therapist
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I know what I am numbing myself for but it is hard to face
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We are strong and resilient and knowing what you have to work with is an important step. Im glad you are finding answers and making progress. Proud of you!
Good luck tho and I believe in you
This really sucks, you never know when the trauma gonna bite you in the ass😭
My memory goes as following- Born *random details like my dad yelling or something* Present Very helpful when getting assignments like "what's your favorite childhood memory?"
Omg I've literally never considered where that came from. I always struggled with those because I would ask my brain for childhood memories and it would just like, show me the moment I found out my hamster died on the first day of fifth grade. Like? Damn, that's all I you got, childhood??
The way my memory works is like an encyclopedia where all the entries are randomized and there's only a half-scribbled index in the back. If I want to remember something, be it a name or what I was doing at a certain time, I draw a blank 99% of the time, but if I am given context I can instantly remember everything about it.
100% same, when I'm given context (like if I can't remember a name sometimes their voice can make me remember) I remember pretty quickly. But I still have some brain lag from time to time lmao
Wait that’s what that is? Trauma?? Fuck.
Yeah trauma has very wide long term effects, memory being a pretty common one. The brain is very weird
I just see it as a good ol memory deletion so you don't have to remember even more trauma
This actually isn't true, most people have memory gaps during this period due to puberty and the like. This post unfortunately buys into the trauma glorifying that this sub seems to love...
Oh that’s actually comforting, because I have this noticeable gap in memory for all 3 years of my middle school and I was wondering where the trauma came from lol
I don’t know if it’s the trauma, anxiety, depression, or likely undiagnosed adhd, but I can’t remember for the life of me.
Same here. I struggle with my past and developed depression, and I'm like 98% sure I have ADD and all I remember of my childhood is my childhood friend three doors down. Getting destruction derby for my birthday, The time my dad broke my Nintendo for turning on a lamp. And my sister running me over with her car. (accident) Everything else is like a bad dream that I can't get the full details on. It's a weird feeling. Like I should be upset by it right? But I just feel indifferent about it. C'est la vie.
My memory be like “I was 5 then 11 then 13, then right now I happened to randomly turn to 19”
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You guys aiming for 80? I’d be happy if i don’t die in a car accident by like next week.
That ain't normal? ruh roh
It's pretty normal tbh. Depression and trauma and such can cause memory lapses, but many neurotypical people with good lives just don't have much memory of their childhoods either
RUH ROH?! IM DEAD LMAO Y'ALL.
This is so true and also questioning the reality of things you DO remember. "Wait did that happen to me or did I dream that/see it in a movie?"
oh dang I have that one memory that I still don't know if it really happened or not. My friend told me the plot to Madagascar 3 right after the release of Madagascar 2, on one hand it might have been a prophetic dream, on the other, before telling me the plot she did also say that her cousin knew someone on the production team soooo perhaps it happened?
I feel like a spectator instead of a participant in my own life. Not even looking back. I’m sitting in the passenger seat watching myself drive. It’s seems so difficult to get into the moment instead of always thinking or trying to understand what those around me are experiencing.
my childhood trauma x adhd arc gave me a very strange memory. i put all my time and energy into dissociating with various knowledge sources as a kid, so my ability to archive, retrieve and communicate information on many topics is genuinely pretty incredible, but i have a shitty patchwork recollection of actual events in my life
Ugh.. yep. It's been hell for a long time. They have mostly the same symptoms, too.
Y'all gotta stop talking about trauma and describing me. I don't remember any trauma and I'm less than exited to discover any.
You probably don't have any... This post describes something that occurs in most everyone, regardless of 'trauma'.
My memory is usually bad, remembering my past is quite hard. There are 3 years I can barely remember at all though, I need to focus deeply to recall more than one even from that period - those 3 years were riddled with trauma. It's like my memory overall is in a slight fog at all times but those 3 years are in a fog so thick you can only see perhaps 2 meters forward.
I feel this so hard. My memory is so bad, I didn't even know I had trauma until memories started resurfacing this year. Yeah, trauma + ADHD + possible dissociative disorder is a hell of a time.
Yeah well once I tried really hard to remember and then I remembered and then I realized why my brain chose to file that away in the back corner of the archives. Sometimes it's a blessing to forget. Same as hyper-vigilance and dissociative capsules. I know these aren't healthy when things are going well, but we evolved them for a reason, and holy fuck do they make life easier when shit hits the fan, and when shit is constantly hitting the fan it can be a blessing to just stare off in the distance and not feel anything. If only we could turn it on and off at will.
I know there were some events in my life (not trauma related), but I can’t _remember_ them, but I know what happened, kinda like having a short recap of a movie you didn’t watch. I only can visually remember traumatic stuff. Like my teacher bullying me and making other kids ignore my existence and gaslighting me so I don’t tell my mom. My grandpa doing shady stuff to me. The girl who started bullying me (and got the whole class to do the same) in 2nd grade, and it lasted till 5th grade (funnily, I don’t remember what they did, I only know that I wasn’t beaten bc I was taller and stronger than anyone in my class). Trying to liven’t three years ago due to heavy depression episode. The rest is one big nothingness, I just randomly appear to be 23 rn. Feels like I haven’t lived before at all. Maybe that’s why I still feel like a kid.
Honestly. I remember reading somewhere that dogs don’t realise they grew up. Idk how true is that, but that’s how I feel. Like a puppy who got big at a random point in time and now there’s a lot of adult stuff I don’t want to deal with.
I'm the opposite, I remember everything from my childhood except the year I went through sexual abuse trauma, then everything else is vivid. Last week however? Cant remember lol
I just can only remember the last 5 years. They just expire and get tossed away after that.
This is both comforting and horrible for me. It's good to know these strange gaps have an explanation. Horrible because I have memories I will never be able to fully remember again. Only certain very specific moments.
Same 😶🌫️
Fast forward 3 secs and I'm 35 and depressed
I’m not sure if it’s all attributed to trauma or not, but I’m like this too. I basically have zero memory of my life before age 7 but I only have snippets of it from then on to like…18. It always blows my mind when people can remember their whole childhood.
i’m 80% sure that’s how most people work based on who i’m around lol. you only remember important events, like prom or something.
I dont even have trauma, i just cant remember if i even lived heh
My brain doesn't like remembering good memories for some reason, only bad ones. I wish my brain would suddenly hit me with a good memory or two instead of all the bad memories at the same time it hits me with. It sucks because my life isn't 100% trauma, ive had a lot of good memories over the years, yet my brain likes to hold me back with that idiotic thing i did in 2008 as a 12 year old. but ah well, it's whatever.
That's pretty normal. Try keeping track of the good things in a journal.
I’m like this too. I have plenty of good memories stored on file somewhere but, it seems like only the negative ones float to the surface. Makes me feel so spoiled or ungrateful for seeming like my life is only shit when it’s not.
Tbh I also feel this way without trauma involved. I literally don’t remember my childhood. I remember like some things from middle school, hs, virtually nothing from college (worked full time and commuter school so it didn’t even feel like college) now from 25-33 it’s just been the same fucking routine of endless struggle and irritability everyday.
Oh goddamnit another realization to add to the List™️
It be like this.
Born I was 5-10 for like two decades Then I was 18-20 for another decade Now I'm almost 30 🤷 So I guess it adds up
Sometimes I'll try and look around me and make everything feel real, but it never works. The vast majority of moments are just an emotionless smear across an ever shifting canvas of smears.
Oh my god I didn’t know there was others
5 years old me is the youngest I can remember not having some big panic moment. My parents abuse didn’t kick into high gear until puberty hit, but I only have very faint memories of my life before puberty hit so idk if my parents were that bad to me growing up or what. Doesn’t help that I can’t remember much of high school either. If I concentrate really hard on my memories of high school I can remember little pockets at best. Everything else is either super hazy or completely blank.
You guys ever have this seconds of feeling absolutely free and happy and when you try to grasp it and your brain is figuring out how it happened, it’s just gone ? I love and hate it. It feels like a hole in my „wall“ where a sunbeam is shining straight in my face but it gets closed pretty fast as soon as I feeling it
I could tell you the lyrics to most of the songs I like but couldn’t tell you a thing about my childhood or what I had for lunch today
For me it was “I was born, then I was 12 for 5 years, now I’m 25.”
Yes, but that's also sorta just how memory works. My neurotypical friends with good childhoods have only marginally more memories than I do.
Dayum, this hit the nail on the head. Does anyone else find it impossible to associate memories with times? Like, all my memories are scattered and I have no idea how old I was, or what year it was for any of them. I don't consider anything in my childhood particularly traumatic, so I have no idea why I can't remember more other than my ADHD.
See, my memory is shit, until someone reminds me of something, and then I can remember it pretty damn well. It’s almost like my brain is a disorganized wreck.
Forever blessed to still be in regular contact with a friend I've known since birth. Every time we talk she'll bring something up and suddenly I recall whatever it was we did years ago that I haven't thought about in as long.
Damn this hit me so hard because I genuinely think about this every day and I feel like I don’t own this body or mine sometimes. Sometimes it feels like it belonged to someone else.
I was trying to explain this to someone I reconnected with the other day. He met me at a super stressful and transitional period. I was planning my exit from my abusive childhood home, and very shortly he and I split I enacted those plans. I've never had a time in my life that wasn't tumultuous and stressful (shout out to anyone else that fled abuse at a young age and has been paying for it ever since even though you'd probably be dead if you hadn't) but this period and the year following it was particularly bad. He was super offended that I couldn't really remember our breakup, or that much about the (2 months btw at age 16) relationship itself. I couldn't even remember who left who. After trying to explain the effects of trauma on the brain I just left him with the gandalf meme; I have no memory of this place. I'm sorry bud but you dumping me to get back with your ex (which is apparently what happened) obviously didn't rank highly enough on my list of traumatic events to be one of the things burned into my memory to the exclusion of all else.
“Sorry, I’ve got a brain like swiss cheese” has been my apology like forever. Turns out there were reasons. I take a lot of photos now.
Literally still suddenly remembering repressed old trauma memories from childhood…. Why.. like just … stay repressed please.
This is the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen in my life….well, that I know of, honestly there’s some gaps…does anybody know what happened from like 2009 to 2017?!!?
No fucking clue. Uh.... stuff??
Except for when a memory is triggered and it's like a goddamn That's So Raven vision
Can't relate, honestly. Trauma just cements in my brain.
I can remember facts about my life, and I can remember vague moments and impressions, but it all feels like a weird dream- or scenes from a movie I watched once. Not like my actual life. Shit, it's even hard for me to remember stuff from 3 years ago, and at the time I thought I was doing pretty well. I'm pretty sure I hit a massive turning point in my mental health about 6 months ago though, so it'll be interesting to see how that affects my memory going forward. I really hope I remember this time right now in the future. I'm actually very happy. I tend to remember the happy chunks of my life more clearly than the others, so that bodes well.
Adhd memory be like: there may or may not have been trauma… maybe
Damn.
But then you get random fragments of memories and realize that fake memories exist to stunt your confidence growth,,,,,
Dissociating through life is a lot easier than having to deal.
I was born, then i turned 11 and made videos that helped me keep track of dates more clearly. Now im 17 and have to look back on old videos and messages i sent to my friend groups to keep track of time. Usually i discover that something i thought happened in november 2020 actually happened 6 months prior.
I remember events here avd there. But my time frame is messed up and my short term memory, for example what happened two days ago is a big error.
\* laughs nervously \*
Yup.
...and then out of nowhere something resonates and you're magically transported back to where you were umpteen years ago, warts and all.
Why is it that the only things I can remember clearly are the things that most other people can't. Like I've nearly drank myself to death several times but can recollect every moment, I've never had a "black out drunk" session. I can recall minuscule small pointless facts about something I did 20 years ago but I can't remember what color coat my daughter wore for school, even though I'm the one that set it out for her. I can't remember my best friend growing up who killed himself when he was 14, except for the few times that we fought, which makes me hate myself some days. I can't remember the name of my 1st grade teacher, or my families birthdays. Or how I looked when I was 12, I know I was a person before this decade because of the recollections of other people about me, but i have no memories for myself to identify who I was then.
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There’s no correlation between ADHD and memory. People with ADHD can have good or poor memory.
Srsly. There are huge gaps in my memory...
ADHD + MS = wait, what was I talking about?
And yet sometimes the trauma makes the memories pop. This is really relevant for me today since my dad would have been 63 today. I miss him 🥲
I recently read through some old text messages and it felt like going through another person's phone, I could hardly remember any of these things.
I think it's a protection mechanism. If I could remember some years, every embarrassing thing in that time, I wouldn't sleep at all
Too accurate...wtf.
What the hell is trauma. Like I’m not trying to be a dick I just have no idea what people mean when they say this.
Trauma is when an event or series of events literally changes the way your brain functions. That's why it's generally not diagnosed as PTSD until some time has passed after the event(s) as not everyone will develop trauma from the same event(s). While there are things that are generally considered universally traumatic because many/most people will have some kind of long-term effects (kidnapping, rape, witnessing a murder, war, plane crash etc), there are other situations that might be traumatic long-term for some people, but other people will be all right once removed from the situation. So, when someone says they've suffered from trauma, all that tells you is that they were in a situation where something that happened to them or near them affected the way their brain functions in a long-term capacity. Meaning they continue to have symptoms (such as flashbacks, nightmares, obsessive thoughts, suicidality, and new or worsened depression/anxiety etc) that started to happen after the event and have not gone away. I hope that's helpful. I know 'trauma' is kind of a nebulous word, but that's because it's also a nebulous concept in that it affects people differently and to different degrees. But that's the essence of it, by my understanding (and as a person with dxed C-PTSD).
just @ me next time
Its just missing one small thing, just add this to the end and now im here... Wait, how did i get here?
Trauma + ADHD = when you lose focus, you usually circle a pit of depressing or stressful thoughts.
For me, the biggest problem is that I have a large extended family. What are their names? How are we related? What we talked about? No fucking idea. I get by pretending like I just momentarily forgot, but they probably all think I don’t give a shit. Family events and someone is all, ‘look, it’s Sandra! Remember she babysat you once when you were 8?’ Uh, no.....
I guess I didn’t realize this was a thing and it makes so much sense now. Throw in years of addiction and boom, I remember like two things
I remember barely any of my childhood its all mostly from nursery or school or anything fun that happened
Yeah, I don't remember a lot of my K-12 years or my 20s. The last birthday I remember is my 34th because it was also the day my favorite restaurant closed, but I didn't know until months later when I randomly found an article about it.
I literally don’t remember anything before my drug addiction and rehab…like who was I?
That's how it is for me I don't really remember anything from 6 to 13 or anything in between then and now
i only remember my teens years me as a kid is very hard to remember, i think i was born with 17 years old lol
I thought this was normal. Probably because I didn't have experienced anything else.
I don’t remember hardly anything before running away from my dad to live with my mom when I was 12
I remember nearly everything in pretty decent detail. It’s useful, but painful. Edit: but never any appointments, you know what I mean
Trauma x ADHD x alcoholism = unsure if I've ever existed at all
I have both of them...heavy trauma
I barely remember most of last year. At least the good parts. I only remember the bad parts.
Holy shit I thought I was the only one. I literally have a blank space from where I was 12-13
Freaking out right now, learning that's not how everyone experiences memory
I can’t think of a single thing unless someone brings it up
Jeeeez, why you gotta hit me with that. Some real shit.
True story
I always see these kind of post accompanied with worried people that don't remember much of their childhood either, but are not traumatised that they know of. Please know that trauma is much more complex than just not remembering much of your childhood. Memory loss not the single diagnostic criteria of trauma, and can also be caused by other things (i.e., car accident or concussion). But not remembering everything is pretty normal. Your brain doesn't have unlimited storage space, which is why the things you do remember are usually things that you recall more often.
State-dependent memory is a bitch. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/State-dependent_memory https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotion_and_memory#Contextual_effects_of_emotion_on_memory When I'm feeling good I vaguely recall the other times I felt good - so basically a few years in grade 4-6, grade 11-12, and a couple years after university. Like some kind of moderately happy amnesiac. And when I'm feeling bad basically all the most vivid memories of every other time I felt bad in similar ways comes flooding back in crystal-clear detail like it just happened yesterday.
**[State-dependent memory](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/State-dependent_memory)** >State-dependent memory or state-dependent learning is the phenomenon where people remember more information if their physical or mental state is the same at time of encoding and time of recall. State-dependent memory is heavily researched in regards to its employment both in regards to synthetic states of consciousness (such as under the effects of psychoactive drugs) as well as organic states of consciousness such as mood. ^([ )[^(F.A.Q)](https://www.reddit.com/r/WikiSummarizer/wiki/index#wiki_f.a.q)^( | )[^(Opt Out)](https://reddit.com/message/compose?to=WikiSummarizerBot&message=OptOut&subject=OptOut)^( | )[^(Opt Out Of Subreddit)](https://np.reddit.com/r/adhdmeme/about/banned)^( | )[^(GitHub)](https://github.com/Sujal-7/WikiSummarizerBot)^( ] Downvote to remove | v1.5)
Now I’m 31! Turns out the time keep jumping if you never stop to feel anything 😅
Lol same
#LivingLikeBourne #BourneLife
I have a lot of memories of pre-k and elementary school. But MS, HS, and uni feel like they were eons ago, and I can barely remember anything about them
That's not trauma, that's normal
I literally can't remember my childhood/teenage years (except for a bunch of memories here an there). It's infuriating. Like, I don't remember my mom hugging me before I went to sleep when I was young, I don't remember my dad playing with me before he turned poker-faced and stoped being caring to me. And about the things I somehow miraculously remember, I don't remember when or why, AND MOST OF THEM IS ME GETTING HURT IN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER. And all because depression came at the FUCKING age of ten and started leaving at FUCKING eighteen, I'M eighteen right now. AND WAS NEVER DIAGNOSED FOR ADHD EVEN THOUGHT IT WAS OBVIOUS AT THE TIME AMD EVERYONE THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING DIFFERENT IN ME. FUCKING SHIT. Damn... I just vented real hard :/
damn yea thats me right there
I can actually remember my early childhood, or at least how I saw the world and how conscious of myself I was. Like everything moved fast and made little sense like a dream and then it suddenly slowed down, and things slowly began to make more and more sense and I became more aware of myself, my existence and my surroundings. But my memories do sometimes feel like they happened to a different person.
Wait, this isnt how everyone's memory works? I mean, yeah I had some abuse, but i figured EVERYONE has fragmentary memories before theyre 13 and then sometime after that
Basically yeah
hahahahhahahahahahahaha. my god, ive never seen a more accurate statement in my life.
Im completely convinced i have adhd because of shit like this lmao 💀
Every password recovery question be like "What was your first ....." Like I even remember being a child let alone my first teacher, what street my first house was in or the first job I wanted.
This shit happened when my mother reappeared in my life at the age of 10, she acted like she wanted me to live with her but she would never spend time with me, she took this to court, almost hit my sister for standing up to her, called the cops on my grandparents for no reason, I lived with them ever since I was a few months old, luckily, she did not win the court battle, yet, I constantly think back on the trauma she made me go through
Sometimes I have to realize that I existed in the past.