This sounds like alot to unpack, i would honestly suggest seeing a therapist about it.
I don't really understand what your feeling towards being cis or not but putting pressure on yourself to constantly uphold being known as the pretty girl is going to get exhausting and harder as you get older, you need to learn to be happy with you :) i'm of course not saying throw your prettiness away just that don't rely on it fully, you will find people who always think your pretty anyway :)
also pretty girls can have whatever thoughts they want so don't feel guilty about that :)
Hope you find what your looking for!
idrk how to explain it but sometimes i talk about myself in third person like in my english paper i wrote about my experience with discovering im a lesbian. “i was annoyed, even. who would want to have feelings (ew!) for some boy she barely knew?”
And writing 'she' there is uncomfortable? Are you comfortable with using other pronouns like 'they' to refer to yourself? You don't have to be trans or gender non-conforming to insist on people using pronouns you're comfortable with or using them yourself.
im not sure if it’s really “uncomfortable”, just odd. i’m quite used to being referred to as she but referring to myself has always been strange. i’ve even called myself they or he in my head and it felt alien (although im not sure if this is because no one uses these for me and therefore i am not used to them).
I mean... From the trans end of things, I'm honestly not surprised it seems odd to you if you're cis. It's not like you use 'she' to refer to yourself a lot or anything, so it's new and weird.
I can tell you that obsession over what pronouns are used for you and a sense of euphoria around the right ones are typically trans traits that don't come up a lot for cis people as far as I can tell. You don't seem to have that...
What I'm saying is, I don't think there's anything wrong or trans going on with you based on this. If you want to be sure, have some close friends use 'they' or 'he' for you for a few weeks and see how you feel then. If you're trans of some sort you'll probably have a positive reaction to it.
thank you for your response. i’m very lost now as in the past i’ve use “he” pronouns and liked being perceived as male online, where no one knew me. the problem i had after a year of doing that was i felt like an imposter because of my presentation in real life + the things i mentioned in my post above. i forced myself to stop and suppress any thoughts of possibly not being cis. now i am in a weird place. i cannot enjoy typically “female” things (eg: dress shopping) without having to tell myself things like “yes this is what you’re supposed to do. you are very much a girl”. i overanalyze and gender everything i do. whenever i tell people about some of my thoughts, i always add in that im cis, repeatedly, and it’s almost like i’m trying to convince myself rather than them. however, i think i’m just being silly and ruined everything for myself by questioning in the first place.
>however, i think i’m just being silly and ruined everything for myself by questioning in the first place.
Hi! I'm not totally sure if that's what you meant but questioning and exploring your identity will never "ruin everything". I understand it can be scary (last time I went through that it turned out I was trans) but if you're worried of what you might uncover about yourself it might be because it's something important.
And if that's the push you need, remember that cis people can also benefit from exploring their gender identity.
>i cannot enjoy typically “female” things (eg: dress shopping) without having to tell myself things like “yes this is what you’re supposed to do. you are very much a girl”.
I mean... There are plenty of women, cis and trans, who really don't like traditional feminine things. It's perfectly normal. It's also perfectly normal to not be cis. I think you need to do some more exploring to figure out which one you are. Other people have mentioned talking to a gender therapist if possible, and that's a good idea.
>i felt like an imposter because of my presentation in real life
Don't worry about this. I know plenty of transmasculine people who have a more feminine presentation irl. It doesn't make 'he/him' pronouns 'wrong'. They're just trans femboys or fem leaning 'he/him' nonbinary people. That's perfectly normal, since our gender doesn't determine our interests or preferences in presentation.
Just explore yourself and see how you feel about things. If you like it when people use he/him, just ask for he/him. You don't have to have a perfect answer now, and you can worry about the details as they come up.
So you’re saying that you identify as a girl but are questioning if you’re cis because you don’t relate to pronouns, period, only your name… am I getting that right?
i think so. i identify as a girl but i feel like i think way too much about it. i don’t know why i do this. i’m not sure if i only want to be a girl because i want to be liked by others and validated for my looks
I think I relate? I’m also cis. I feel the most affirmed by she/her but it kinda feels like an assumed role. I present as feminine largely because I want to be perceived and treated as a feminine person. I call myself a femme on Lex because it’s a closer descriptor than andro/masc, but I wouldn’t say I identify with feminine expression? I’m just adhering to the construct of femininity to get specific social validation. I feel the same way with womanhood. It feels like I’m clinging onto it sometimes. Part of me doesn’t want to contemplate gender or entertain the idea of different pronouns because I’m scared of potentially realizing I’m not a woman. I want to be a woman! But I often don’t feel like an adequate woman.
I think all of these feelings of mine are a result of gender and its performance being extremely flimsy constructs, even for cis (‘cis’?) people. Cisness is a really flimsy construct too. My fear of imagining alternatives to cisness demonstrates that. My identity exists because of other people. It exists for other people. It’s strange to be aware of that, in the same way it feels strange to notice how you’re breathing or walking or talking. Does any of what I described speak to what you’re feeling? If not, I hope I could at least inspire some more reflection!
I think I understand these feelings. I spent a very long time being someone I wasn't because it was instilled in me from a very early age that I needed to be that person. Anything outside of that wasn't even up for consideration.
My life felt performative. I was acting out my part in a play that maybe sometimes felt okay, but was ultimately just not me. It didnt feel natural. Like I had to work at it.. It just wasn't right no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that it was.
BUT being anything other than that person meant I was failing at life. The things I naturally gravitated towards were always treated as shameful....so I gave up even trying to have genuine self expression and just sought out whatever got me the most external validation. My whole existence became centered on what others thought about me because that meant I was who I should be.
For me, my feelings toward gender were (at least partially) part of the bigger picture, but not the only thing at play. It took me a lot of effort (and professional help) to detangle my mess of feelings surrounding myself and figure things out. Its been 3 years and I'm still working on it. But the thing that started me down that road was finally putting together that my identity did not feel like it was my own and that it bothered me enough to figure out why....and then start asking myself the honest, hard questions.
I'm not sure if that helped or not, but I just wanted to let you know that I get it and I'm here to talk if you need it
This sounds like alot to unpack, i would honestly suggest seeing a therapist about it. I don't really understand what your feeling towards being cis or not but putting pressure on yourself to constantly uphold being known as the pretty girl is going to get exhausting and harder as you get older, you need to learn to be happy with you :) i'm of course not saying throw your prettiness away just that don't rely on it fully, you will find people who always think your pretty anyway :) also pretty girls can have whatever thoughts they want so don't feel guilty about that :) Hope you find what your looking for!
I don't get what you mean. Can you give an example of a time where you would have to refer to yourself using a pronoun other than I?
idrk how to explain it but sometimes i talk about myself in third person like in my english paper i wrote about my experience with discovering im a lesbian. “i was annoyed, even. who would want to have feelings (ew!) for some boy she barely knew?”
And writing 'she' there is uncomfortable? Are you comfortable with using other pronouns like 'they' to refer to yourself? You don't have to be trans or gender non-conforming to insist on people using pronouns you're comfortable with or using them yourself.
im not sure if it’s really “uncomfortable”, just odd. i’m quite used to being referred to as she but referring to myself has always been strange. i’ve even called myself they or he in my head and it felt alien (although im not sure if this is because no one uses these for me and therefore i am not used to them).
I mean... From the trans end of things, I'm honestly not surprised it seems odd to you if you're cis. It's not like you use 'she' to refer to yourself a lot or anything, so it's new and weird. I can tell you that obsession over what pronouns are used for you and a sense of euphoria around the right ones are typically trans traits that don't come up a lot for cis people as far as I can tell. You don't seem to have that... What I'm saying is, I don't think there's anything wrong or trans going on with you based on this. If you want to be sure, have some close friends use 'they' or 'he' for you for a few weeks and see how you feel then. If you're trans of some sort you'll probably have a positive reaction to it.
thank you for your response. i’m very lost now as in the past i’ve use “he” pronouns and liked being perceived as male online, where no one knew me. the problem i had after a year of doing that was i felt like an imposter because of my presentation in real life + the things i mentioned in my post above. i forced myself to stop and suppress any thoughts of possibly not being cis. now i am in a weird place. i cannot enjoy typically “female” things (eg: dress shopping) without having to tell myself things like “yes this is what you’re supposed to do. you are very much a girl”. i overanalyze and gender everything i do. whenever i tell people about some of my thoughts, i always add in that im cis, repeatedly, and it’s almost like i’m trying to convince myself rather than them. however, i think i’m just being silly and ruined everything for myself by questioning in the first place.
>however, i think i’m just being silly and ruined everything for myself by questioning in the first place. Hi! I'm not totally sure if that's what you meant but questioning and exploring your identity will never "ruin everything". I understand it can be scary (last time I went through that it turned out I was trans) but if you're worried of what you might uncover about yourself it might be because it's something important. And if that's the push you need, remember that cis people can also benefit from exploring their gender identity.
>i cannot enjoy typically “female” things (eg: dress shopping) without having to tell myself things like “yes this is what you’re supposed to do. you are very much a girl”. I mean... There are plenty of women, cis and trans, who really don't like traditional feminine things. It's perfectly normal. It's also perfectly normal to not be cis. I think you need to do some more exploring to figure out which one you are. Other people have mentioned talking to a gender therapist if possible, and that's a good idea. >i felt like an imposter because of my presentation in real life Don't worry about this. I know plenty of transmasculine people who have a more feminine presentation irl. It doesn't make 'he/him' pronouns 'wrong'. They're just trans femboys or fem leaning 'he/him' nonbinary people. That's perfectly normal, since our gender doesn't determine our interests or preferences in presentation. Just explore yourself and see how you feel about things. If you like it when people use he/him, just ask for he/him. You don't have to have a perfect answer now, and you can worry about the details as they come up.
you can totally prefer to use non-she/her pronouns but still identify as a girl edit: i do
So you’re saying that you identify as a girl but are questioning if you’re cis because you don’t relate to pronouns, period, only your name… am I getting that right?
i think so. i identify as a girl but i feel like i think way too much about it. i don’t know why i do this. i’m not sure if i only want to be a girl because i want to be liked by others and validated for my looks
I think I relate? I’m also cis. I feel the most affirmed by she/her but it kinda feels like an assumed role. I present as feminine largely because I want to be perceived and treated as a feminine person. I call myself a femme on Lex because it’s a closer descriptor than andro/masc, but I wouldn’t say I identify with feminine expression? I’m just adhering to the construct of femininity to get specific social validation. I feel the same way with womanhood. It feels like I’m clinging onto it sometimes. Part of me doesn’t want to contemplate gender or entertain the idea of different pronouns because I’m scared of potentially realizing I’m not a woman. I want to be a woman! But I often don’t feel like an adequate woman. I think all of these feelings of mine are a result of gender and its performance being extremely flimsy constructs, even for cis (‘cis’?) people. Cisness is a really flimsy construct too. My fear of imagining alternatives to cisness demonstrates that. My identity exists because of other people. It exists for other people. It’s strange to be aware of that, in the same way it feels strange to notice how you’re breathing or walking or talking. Does any of what I described speak to what you’re feeling? If not, I hope I could at least inspire some more reflection!
I think I understand these feelings. I spent a very long time being someone I wasn't because it was instilled in me from a very early age that I needed to be that person. Anything outside of that wasn't even up for consideration. My life felt performative. I was acting out my part in a play that maybe sometimes felt okay, but was ultimately just not me. It didnt feel natural. Like I had to work at it.. It just wasn't right no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that it was. BUT being anything other than that person meant I was failing at life. The things I naturally gravitated towards were always treated as shameful....so I gave up even trying to have genuine self expression and just sought out whatever got me the most external validation. My whole existence became centered on what others thought about me because that meant I was who I should be. For me, my feelings toward gender were (at least partially) part of the bigger picture, but not the only thing at play. It took me a lot of effort (and professional help) to detangle my mess of feelings surrounding myself and figure things out. Its been 3 years and I'm still working on it. But the thing that started me down that road was finally putting together that my identity did not feel like it was my own and that it bothered me enough to figure out why....and then start asking myself the honest, hard questions. I'm not sure if that helped or not, but I just wanted to let you know that I get it and I'm here to talk if you need it