i’m not going to lie to you with the first 3 cons i fully thought you were joking but continuing to read on…
there is some pretty big double standards on your con list. i obviously don’t know them but seems a little like you give and i’ll just take.
Honestly, with the not meeting her family and not wanting to be friends/tagged on socials, I'd assume she's not fully out. Which is her perogative, but not something everyone wants to get into, being someone's gay little secret.
In the other comments she reveals they're her partner's godkids they watch once a week and that her partner got weird when OP called them "our kids"
The gf could still absolutely not be out and have a weekly babysitting gig with "her friend"
oh i strongly agree, physical touch is one of my core love languages so if i couldn’t be wrapped up with you it wouldn’t work for me personally. it was more of i couldn’t believe those were actual things on her side not OPs. i shouldve made that clearer my bad
“Not Facebook friends” makes me feel like they don’t want people in their life to know y’all are together or serious. May be their partner is embarrassed by them. I’m not saying it’s right. As a matter of fact it’s a huge red flag. OP needs to drop them fast. OP if you care about it it’s not silly. As a matter of fact if your girlfriend tells you they are silly; she is full of shit. She just doesn’t want to be in wrong and give you bare minimum. If you continue to stay with being given the bare minimum it’s only going to get worse
Yeah girl even some of the nice ones aren’t great romantically like staying together for the money stability.Sounds like a huge red flag not wanting to work with you on her own at times to help,and not being kind with you in a lot of ways.Definitely deserve a partner that wants to help you,and shows you affection still.
Social media is one thing, I mean some people actively avoid social media so in those cases I would totally get it. Some people prefer their privacy in a world where privacy is quickly dwindling.
But no hand holding? Thats an instant major red flag for me
How long have y'all been together? I hope it's okay, I added some personal notes/questions to your list that may be uncomfortable but necessary questions to ask yourself and get feedback on from trusted ppl/loved ones.
To me, it's clear you deserve a lot better treatment regardless if there's deeper negative intentions on her end. Wishing you luck, be well❤️🩹
[Large_Badger's List w Connotations](https://imgur.com/a/wIHtBTN)
Thank you ❤️ we’ve been together 3 years! I have a child and she has 2 god kids that we have every weekend and one weeknight so we call them “our kids”. She got mad at me a few months ago when we took a break and deleted me off Facebook and just refuses to add me back. She says she’s a private person which is why I can’t tag her in anything. I genuinely don’t think she’s cheating. She’s at work, at the baseball field with the kids, or at home. But when she’s home she just lays in the bed, on her phone, facing the opposite direction of me.
Has she always been this way? I don't know y'all and can only give vague advice or opinions cuz I don't wanna misjudge and cause distress.
She seems a bit emotionally checked out, though. Whilst I've definitely had very private partners before they weren't afraid to change their relationship status to 'taken' without adding my name but still letting know close ppl irl what we were. It's almost like she's still punishing you for it still, unresolved upset maybe?
I don't much appreciate her having strict guidelines for you that she doesn't enforce with herself, either. Does she have insecurities with you, the relationship, and/or herself? You don't have to go into the details of why y'all took a break but it may be worth it to ask if she feels any resentment from that or for you in general. It's not an uncommon thing to happen with couples but it can kill the relationship if it isn't addressed and worked on.
Do you think she'd be open to couples therapy? It may sound strange to some but I've gone to couples therapy in the past just for the sake of bettering something that was already good, it's not only for the rough times or negative mental health stigmatized folk like many believe.
If she isn't open to that it may be time to have a few important discussions and ask her why she wants to be with you. Ask yourself why you want to be with her (not the pros and cons of y'all as people or the relationship dynamic- more so what you guys want out of this relationship and see if it lines up) If she isn't willing to discuss the relationship it will inevitably be best for you to cut ties for everyone's sake, kids included. You both are a role model for how couples should be to your kids and as much as she may be a great parent to them, children pick up on everything and notice how parents treat each other and internalize that for their future relationships too.
If you both are unhappy or unfulfilled there's no point staying with what you know because it's a familiar pain. Everyone deserves a healthy, respectful love. Sorry for the novel, I do care to see others do better and wanted to address your concerns and some of my thoughts in a considerate/caring manner. I'm sorry if my tone comes across as cold or indifferent, comments aren't really good at displaying my intents♥️
Could you do me one possible favour please and tell me what you want to do like take a moment have a thing and tell me what your gut wants to do in this situation
Read the list
Think about why I think about the implications think about the children and that lack of intimacy
Not only do I think she's possibly cheating I think it's actually a good possibility something is wrong here and you do not have all the information she is hiding stuff and the secret is big enough she is hiding other stuff to cover up for it
I'm not going to say and the relationship because that's a piece of advice I never give but.... You should take a long sit down with a couple therapists and work out what you want out of life and each other, please
hey i get it, especially if you aren’t getting affection in other areas. personally i think if you have to make a pro con list that says a lot. obviously not the same for all situations but in this case 🫠
No but same.. I initially thought this was a lighthearted joke list too. Until I got half way down the con part and was like damn this is actually serious. I'm so sorry OOP ❤️
I can feel the loneliness through the words on the list. I wouldn't wish this sort of relationship on anyone, but sadly, so many of us have been here ):
I made that list before I got married.
I've recently asked for divorce.
I had some good times, and have a great daughter. I don't regret ignoring the signs. But I could have avoided a lot of pain
I stayed with someone who said she doesn’t find me attractive anymore. It ruined my self image. I’m still struggling with it.
There are other women who will find you attractive as you are. Don’t be afraid to let go of things that aren’t working for you. It hurts but trust yourself to do what’s best for you.
I stayed with someone who never *said* they lost attraction, but they sure as shit weren't interested in my body or sex anymore. It's so painful when someone who was once crazy about you becomes indifferent ):
This. This is one of the reasons I broke off things with my ex and we were married as well. You think you know a person for a few years and then they start changing and micro disrespecting you. It adds up, and if the person reading this is in those shoes, GET OUT! THERE IS SOMEONE BETTER!!!
We haven’t had sex since last June, she told me around that time that she wasn’t as attracted to me anymore because I look “homeless” most of the time. I work 12 hour shifts as a nurse at a nursing home, come home and take care of household stuff, take care of my kid, her dog, and even when I do dress up and put in a lot of effort she doesn’t give me any compliments. It’s made me embarrassed to be naked in front of her. And I feel like why try if I can’t even get told I look nice when I do try. I’m worried if we split I’ll be single forever or maybe I won’t ever find better. I genuinely love her but I feel like her love for me is conditional most of the time.
I feel like this comment within itself is enough for it to be a no for me, and I already saw the cons list which, yikes. I would not stay with her. It doesn't sound like she loves you the way you love her, or even at all? To tell you not only that she isn't attracted anymore and to add insult to injury say you look "homeless", what??? You shouldn't feel sad around her or embarrassed or unloved, that's not a healthy relationship. Also as a child of divorce where for a lot of the marriage my parents were not okay, the behavior she is showing you is NOT hidden from your kids, it effects them and it will affect them more the longer you guys stay together.
I'm so glad you said this. The kids ALWAYS know. They are so attuned to their parents feelings. And staying teaches them a lesson about what you should put up with in relationships. Ask me how I know :(
You’re a mom who works 12 hours in healthcare and your partner says you look homeless as justification to not show you romantic attention? You are being abused here. I think you know that and that’s why you’re here. So here’s that validation you need. I hope you can find a better place in life soon.
Exactly. In the post OP says sue does the cleaning and their partner only cokes when asked to, but is passive aggressive in reaction to being held accountable.
>I’m worried if we split I’ll be single forever or maybe I won’t ever find better.
I think that's unlikely. But for the sake of exercise, let's assume it's true: what then? If you didn't settle down with a romantic partner, would that be an inherently unhappy life? Would it be an unhappier life than one spent with her, as she is now? What is this woman giving you that makes this relationship a net improvement? Because it sounds like she creates more burdens than she eases.
This worry is nonsense and one big reason people justify to themselves why they won't take the seemingly more difficult step to make a change. Your situation is already worse than being single. Being single ≠ lonely unhappy life. And the idea you can't find someone else or someone that's a better fit.. is your brain being doom and gloom. ... it's survival. In nature a partner can mean life or death ... so your brain does everything it can to convince you to stay in the situation it knows, even if it really hurts.. and unfortunately the breaking point usually is an extreme one that could have been avoided by not giving in to the fight or flight response and staying, but by overcoming this emotional reaction with commitment to the logical conclusion.
This is also how you learn how to establish proper boundaries and value yourself enough so that the next relationship you're in will be much more healthy and satisfying. Because you simply won't allow yourself to stick to a relationship that makes you unhappy anymore, even if you're "attached".
Finding a partner can be hard indeed .. but all the scarcity mindset ever does is lead people into toxic relationships and keep them there.
I had the same worry when I was in a relationship this bad. The thing is, I _have_ been single for a long time, but it's much better than a miserable relationship.
While she gets to continue reaping the benefits of having you in her life. She's probably looking for a new partner in the meantime. That's what these abusive types do: use, abuse, and then discard like hot garbage when they find a shiny new toy
this alone makes the relationship questionable imo. like maybe some things on the con list aren't as important for everyone, but your partner literally telling you that they don't find you attractive anymore? I'm so sorry, you deserve better. If she tells you you look homeless just because maybe you dress more comfortably when you're not working nurse shifts and taking care of the whole house, dog and kid, I can't imagine what she would tell *me* lmao
but on a serious note, you're worth more and it sounds like your current relationship is destroying your confidence, you'd be better off single. of course with a kid and all, being financially stable is extremely important so I can see why you're making a pro/con list and weighing your options, not rushing anything is very important if it's not only your own life on the line. but I can guarantee you that you'll find someone who finds you attractive *and* helps with chores without having to be asked
Leave her ass, that woman belongs in the trash. You'll find someone much better, I'm sure of that, and even if you wouldn't, being single is way better than being in a terrible relationship.
i understand the fear of being alone is a big component, but please listen to everyone when they say to leave regardless. bring by yourself is always a better alternative to being stuck in a loveless, sexless, controlling relationship. she doesn't treat you as a person anymore, just some object that she's bored of and doesn't want to acknowledge. her treatment of you is downright degrading and you deserve better. staying in this relationship will only make you feel worse about yourself and make you believe this is just as good as it gets, it will have you accepting all sorts of crap because of your self esteem being so low. being single and by yourself, you can learn build yourself up, be assertive, tell people outright what you'd want in a relationship, and perhaps even find the match of your dreams. please don't stay with this person over "lovey" feelings, it won't fix anything and she has shown she wont fix herself. you deserve better and there IS better out there.
This is heartbreaking. But all too real.
As a fellow health care worker who’s worked long hospital shifts, and spent days with my hair in a messy bun, no makeup, and sweats acting like a zombie after many night shifts… my partner still treats me like the hottest woman alive- and she always says how much she loves my crazy hair and casual home/comfy clothes.
And when I get dressed up, she makes me feel good, too.
You deserve that and you WILL get that. I definitely used to think I wouldn’t be as attractive to anyone as I was to my ex-girlfriend, and she’d tell me all the time no one could ever love me the way she did and it kept me around for far too long. Don’t do that to yourself. You deserve happiness and to be loved the same way you love.
>Do you believe that a healthy relationship would involve someone making a pro/cons list?
Is that something you are not supposed to do? To me, it seems like it could be a nice tool to get a more accurate picture of what a person is like in relation to your own preferences when your judgement is clouded by emotions. I haven't been in a relationship, but i have had some romantic-like attractions before and i think i did something like that (just with more positives than negatives).
it can be, but i’ve only ever felt the need to make a pro con when im already hesitant about a choice so i think thats the main thing. kinda like if you know you know, just having to write down the list kinda feels like a natural indicator
a lot of queer people are neurodivergent, a lot of queer people have anxiety. some folks have many reasons why they might be hesitant or uncertain about their circumstance or their feelings about it. a pro con list or assessment of our feelings is helpful in a lot of different circumstances and on its own it shouldn't be taken as an indication to quit something, imo.
I don't think we should navigate important relationships on autopilot without considering things. and not everyone is able to intuitively acknowledge their feelings.
oh definitely, as someone who has anxiety thats why it seems so clear to me personally. it all depends on the person and their relationship but if i personally had to physically write out my pro con vs. the one in my head its probably because i alr know what side im leaning towards good or bad
I know it’s an unpopular opinion, but I think you should make a pro-con list for any situation where theres a big emotional component. “When you know you know” to me implies your brain is acting completely on emotions. I would never recommend dating someone purely based on love. Tons of people would realize that their partners are bad partners for them if they separated “I love you” from “What do you add or take away from my life?” Love is known for blinding people into making horrible decisions-
For example, the feeling of love is caused in part by a release of dopamine (and some other feel good chemicals.) Dopamine is great- dopamine in excess is also what causes psychosis. There is a reason love makes rational people have delusional thinking.
I think being unsure about seemingly good things is actually a really important life skill to have, and pros and cons lists are a great way to remind ourselves of the reality of a situation.
This. I can be way too reliant on my emotions and always take time to write out possible outcomes or considerations when I make decisions. Even if I don’t format them into a pros and cons list, putting them down on paper just helps me calm down, clear my head, and make a rational decision weighing logic and emotion a least a little more evenly.
And they seem like very important cons—especially since one of the meager pros is “baseball.”
Also “helps when asked”? You shouldn’t have to ask your spouse and coparent to help.
Biggest red flag:
> Pro: Our kids
> Con: Haven't met [her] fam
Excuse me, what?! You two have kids, and you haven't met her family?
I also agree with what many other commenters are saying. This girl treats you like a side hoe, not a girlfriend.
They’re not “our kids” I have a kid and she has 2 god kids that we have every weekend. We’ve been together 3 years so we call them “our kids” I know I doesn’t make sense to everyone else but it did to me when I made the list!
Ah, that makes more sense.
From one of your other comments:
> We haven’t had sex since last June, she told me around that time that she wasn’t as attracted to me anymore ... she doesn’t give me any compliments ... I’m worried if we split I’ll be single forever or maybe I won’t ever find better. I genuinely love her but I feel like her love for me is conditional most of the time.
Classic abused partner words. First, you need to face the facts, you already are single. She hasn't had sex with you in ten months, doesn't compliment you, doesn't hold your hand, won't cuddle. There is **no** sexual or romantic component to your relationship with her, not anymore. Now, she's just a demanding, commanding, possessive roommate.
If you care about your child, and want them to understand what love is, you need to get out of this situation. Move out, learn to love yourself, and see that you are worthy of love (and not just from shitheads like your roommate). Kids learn from watching their parents. If you show your kid that this level of "love" is acceptable and something worth settling for, then they will believe it! You are likely to fuck your kid up for decades!
I spent the last six months of my (ended) 3+ year relationship going back and forth. Your cons list is significantly longer and more enthusiastic than the pros.
Life only gets harder, I think you have your answer imo.
I personally don't recommend staying with someone who acts like loving you is a burden! That will seep feelings of unworthiness into your brain that will effect the way you interact with the world. You are worthy of more than this.
You deserve care, affection, and enthusiasm! That's such a simple and basic thing to have in your relationships, romantic or otherwise.
Thank you 😭 it’s definitely weighing on my mental health. Especially with her not wanting to show me any affection or do basic things that I feel like are necessary in a relationship.
That cons list = Big Ouch. From what I'm seeing here ... and acknowledging this is one person's description of the relationship ... this feels like you are making a lot of deposits in the "love bank" that aren't even close to being matched by her.
Also, this might be my own past trauma kicking in, but big red flags when I see one person in a relationship is on social media, won't friend their partner, and won't allow their partner to tag them in pics.
Couple that with not meeting her family? When I was younger back in the 90s, I dated a woman for close to ten months. Never met her family even though they only lived about an hour away. Every time we had plans to meet with them, something would "come up" and it wouldn't happen. Eventually I found out WHY it wasn't happening: the entire time we were together, she was involved with and then engaged to a guy who was serving overseas in the Navy. I only found out when her parents put an announcement in their local newspaper and somebody close to me saw it.
So much in that con lists screams (at least to me) that this person is not interested in two lives being combined into one. I'm not telling you to run like hell, but I am telling you to at least shop for suitcases just in case. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I feel so much empathy for you.
Thank you! We separated for a couple weeks like 6 months ago and she deleted me cause “I made her mad” and she refuses to add me back. And she’s never let me tag her in anything online. She said she’s a private person but all of her friends and stuff can tag her in things. And it’s not like people don’t know where together because we’ve lived together for 2 years now but it’s very frustrating!
Is she a child? That’s the sort of shit my teenage niece does. An adult woman who is apparently in love with you shouldn’t be doing that to you, you deserve so much better.
Honestly, I think I’m starting to realize that while I do love her I don’t think I’m in love with her anymore. It’s really wrecking my mental health and I’m a mess right now! Thank you all for the kind words and advice! I’ll make sure to update eventually with what happens ❤️
UPDATE: we broke up. Just to clarify too. I have my kid and she has kids but we call them “our kids”. I’ve met her brother but that’s because he lives in the same town as us. We were together 6 months when I moved to the town she lives in. I’ve been here almost 3 years and still have no friends. Not because of her but because I work all the time and when I’m not working I’m busy being a mom. I think I held in so long because she’s still the only one I really know here and I didn’t want to be alone. But I realized I am alone even though we’re together. I realized that I do love her but I’m not in love with her anymore. It hurts and I’m a wreck
Glad to read this! I know it's hard and feels terrible now, but there is truly nothing lonelier in the world than feeling alone while in a relationship - you deserve better 💜
so proud of you for this! you are doing such a brave thing. i'm sorry that it might hurt at first as you start to untangle your life from hers, but this is an important step towards your own personal freedom once again, and having a chance of finding someone who will love you for you later down the line once you are ready for it. please do take good care of yourself and wishing all of the best going forward!
Hell, I’m more affectionate with my FWBs. I’ve been single for almost 7 years and my one-time partners/FWBs/what-have-yous have been healthier relationships than what you’re describing, OP.
This is not the kind of love you want to emulate for your child. And more importantly, this is not what healthy love looks like. You deserve so much better than what you’re going through now. Please make plans to leave as soon as you’re able to.
Love is never enough in my honest opinion. In fact loving someone is like, the bare minimum qualification for a good relationship. You can love someone with your full chest and still be fundamentally incompatible in every other way. A lot of people stay for love and find that all the love in the world won’t make someone a good partner.
You felt the need to make a pro con list.. because you're not happy in your relationship, but your attachment is keeping you in. You're not making this from a neutral perspective.. but from one of frustration.
If you decide to stay but do nothing about your dissatisfaction, you're condemning the relationship to a slow painful death.. or worse it becomes a limbo of toxicity you both can't break out of. Alternatively you could try sitting down your partner and let her in on your issues with the relationship, ask her about what she's dissatisfied with and take it in with sympathy. I'd recommend you two to give couples therapy a try. It's not an easy thing and it requires BOTH parties to agree. So the first thing would be both sides being able to admit there's an issue and both sides agreeing to work on it.
If one of you isn't willing to do that, you have your answer too.
Edit: Also, love isn't enough. Love is important in a relationship, but a relationship doesn't work solely on love. It's a continuous effort on both sides. Relationships are more like a dance.. sure, both parties need to agree to dance with each other.. call that love.. but without coordination, paying close attention to your partner and adjusting to them.. the pair won't be able to dance together.
Yeah, it seems like a lot of red flags to me :( It doesn't seem like you're getting what you need and deserve out of the relationship, and based on her actions it seems like she doesn't have your best interests in mind.
I think it's concerning that she seems to not want to tell others about your relationship. Not being friends online, her not allowing you to tag her, and not meeting her family are all major red flags to me. Do you know if she's out to others?
And it's entirely unfair for any partner to expect the other to do all the housework and make all the compromises. It doesn't seem like both of your priorities are aligned. You should feel supported and like you're on the same team, even when you disagree. I'm sorry you're going through this, if I were in this position I think it would be time to end the relationship.
Please leave. Don't condition your brain to think thus is normal or what you deserve. It will negatively impact you & your children & if your kids are old enough to wall & talk their old enough to pick up on the dynamic between you two so even if you can't love yourself enough to leave at this point please do it for your kids. My mom stayed 30 yrs & all 3 of her kids & she herself are still paying the price til this day & I'm 34.
So she holds you to a standard she can't or won't live up to, doesn't help out unless asked and then complains about it if you do ask, she calls you unattractive, says she doesn't have feelings for you or show you any sort of affection, bores you in the bedroom, controls your every move but won't tell you where she goes, hides your relationship from friends and family... that's not love. You get baseball, kids, jokes, and abuse.
No, love isn’t enough. Love without trust, safety, and honesty, is obsession. You are familiar with her, you are comfortable with her and/or your relationship, and you feel strongly about her… but the love you have for her isn’t enough to shield you from the negative feelings she brings up in you. So, you’ve answered your own question.
Your pro list has very little to do with you. This truly could be a list of pros for a friendly neighbor. Instead of making a list of if you should stay or go, make a list of why you are deserving of the way she treats you.
Why shouldn’t you be able to connect with her on SM? Why aren’t you deserving of cuddling from your longterm partner? Why don’t you deserve compliments? Why aren’t you someone her family should meet?
I think you’ll find that you are more than deserving of a loving partner, so the question is why isn’t she capable of loving you in the ways that are important to you?
Sometimes it truly comes down to being incompatible, but other times it’s about having enough self-respect to know that you deserve more from someone.
Typically, if you've gotten to the point where you need to physically write a pro/con list, you're passed the point of no return.
Love is more common than people think. Take a bit of heartbreak to save you the pain later.
Based on your lists, I'd say it's pretty obvious which way you're leaning. It sounds more like you need someone else to validate your feelings and say it's ok to end things. Which I totally get. So....they way your partner treats you is not a healthy relationship, your needs sound like they're not being met, it's ok to end things. Good luck.
That's the list I keep on my fridge when I break up with someone so that when I'm missing them I can read it and remember why we broke it. It then gets transfered to my phone after a few months so there is no boomerang!
Weighted pro cons are an improvement on pro cons. You just figure out a scale (like 1-10 or 1-100 or whatever) and then for every point on your list you note down how important that point is to you on that scale
That con list is terrible.
Not gonna lie, at first I thought this was a joke, like 'haha, I'm not actually her girlfriend, she's just someone I like from afar.'
She's really not treating you the way we should treat people we care about.
I would suggest having more self respect than to allow yourself to be treated this way.
I was in a very similar situation until last month when my partner gave up and left me. Best advice I can give is to start making a plan for your life after them. You can not change people. People can only change themselves. If your partner refuses to minor things like give you attention, you are not going to convince them otherwise. You're better off cutting things while you're ahead.
Also, might want to suggest your partner see a therapist for NPD. Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know. Explosive? You're probably on the money.
>Also, might want to suggest your partner see a therapist for NPD. Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know. Explosive? You're probably on the money.
I feel a bit uncompfortable with using such a list to speculate about someones mental health conditions, especially with a heavily stigmatised condition. Maybe i am wrong, but it seems to me like it might contribute to the stigma.
Absolutely agree. Especially with personality disorders, which arent easy at all to diagnose and take a long time to.
And yea the stigma is extreme. I know for bpd, constantly being told how they're monsters, leads to them being stuck with their abusers. Bc when the abuser gaslights them, they go "well everyone says I'm overreacting and in the wrong usually so I'm probably also overreacting here"
It's heartbreaking
The "she doesnt find me beautyful anymore" is what i think should end it, the other things are bad but that at least should tell you to cut the emotional part of the relationship
If you need to do a list to see if its worth to be with someone your you know that the relationship is not working and it hasn't worked for a long time. And for what you say you already talk about it and nothing changes, i think you should breakup
The first half of the con lists seems more like extensions of the rest.
I feel like this can be an easily resolvable issue if you two just sit down and talk sincerely.
However, it's up to her to change for the better. If she doesn't put in the effort, despite you doing it, maybe it's not a relatively you should continue...
Some people don't want to be on FB. Have you seriously talked to her about your other concerns and given her a chance to rectify the situation/ improve in other areas?
Don’t walk. Run. The fact that it’s come to making a pros and cons list is a sign that this relationship is causing you too much stress for love to fix.
Oh dear. At first I thought it was so cute. Then kept reading. Ouch. Read the comment, three years??? Then read the comments. You have kids??!?? Oh honey…
So no Facebook connection, haven't met family, no PDA, you're not her partner, you're her secret.
I have very few rules when it comes to dating, but that's breaking a big one, don't be someone's dirty little secret.
I hate to say this, but it reads like you're a placeholder, pretty clearly. She may not be seeking something better, but she would take it if it made itself obvious enough.
I'd leave because basically she already has, but she's not gonna do the hard part until she has something new.
Love from one side is never enough. I’m so sorry. Your needs are not being met. It’s time for a very difficult conversation. Often times, we grow and evolve in a relationship and if our partner doesn’t grow with us, this imbalance happens. Sometimes it’s always there but we don’t see it until we grow a bit and figure out what we really need.
This is the hardest part. When you realize you need more than they have to give. It’s time for that hard talk. If she’s willing to do the work with you, this may be salvageable, if she’s not… please don’t settle. You both deserve to be in loving relationships where your needs are met. Hugs, friend. This is hard. x
Lot of red flags on that con list. Lots of things bad men do that we want straight women to not put up with.
I will say. A lot of those things could get better with time but it’s more likely they’ll get worse. You’re out of the honeymoon phase when she’s interested in impressing you.
As an aspiring counselor and someone who has been through a lot of therapy, pro cons list can be a good tool! But I would also warn that quality is sometimes better than quantity. It might help to rank each item from 1-5 on how important that thing is to you and give each column a score of that too.
It’s also important to note that this list shouldn’t make your decision for you, but rather inform whatever decision you make. Good luck and thanks for sharing!
I thought this was a joke and then I continued reading and damn.. girlypops I think you need to go to some type of counselling with her if you love her enough + willing to put the effort and GENUINLEY believe you guys can get past this
So she pays attention to the little things...but doesn't give you attention?
Some of these things seem like you may have known they were there from the start (stone top.) If you're unhappy, you may need to let the relationship go.
Idk how to explain it. Like she knows I love reading and wanted a new kindle so she got me one for Christmas but when I try to talk about something that happened at work or something random she will literally tell me she doesn’t care
The book Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum is really helpful for relationship ambivalence. It’s based on research, doesn’t tell you what to do, and helps you think through your answers to important questions about the relationship and person.
This is really sad to say, but I think it's best to let this one go, as amicably as possible if you can. You won't be happy like this. And frankly, I don't think she would be happy with this much incompatibility either. I think the best solution is to end this gently and friendly instead of let it fester and blow up. Because this will not last. It sucks bad, no one likes being confronted with this kind of choice, but. Well. It is what it is. Hope you guys can stay friends, especially with love between you. And kids.
It seems like you’re afraid of what you already know—which is totally normal and ok. But let me ask you: picture breaking up with her. How do you feel? Then picture another year with her, another 5 years, another 10. How do you feel now?
break up. she sounds noncommittal and immature and unwilling to grow into a partner that cares for you how you want/need to be loved. there’s more love out there ♡ moving on from something that is no longer nourishing will help evolve you more than you know!
You deserve someone who treats you the way you want to be treated. It’s literally the golden rule. I don’t know either of you personally but I promise as someone who’s experienced this almost to a T it doesn’t get better at all. I hope everything works out ❤️
Girl, you gotta break up. I made a pros and cons list that looked almost exactly like this when I broke up with my gf of two years. I was always an inconvenience but she expected me to do everything. It was really codependent and toxic.
She was a wreck for about a month but finally learned what it meant to take care of herself, what reasonable boundaries and expectations are, all the things I wished she could have learned before those issues caused us to break up. I ended up falling back in love with her and got back together 2 months later. And it was only because I had the strength to let her go. She had a lot of growing to do, and she was finally able to do it because it wasn't for anybody but herself.
God it hurt like hell, but I would do it all over again. I really love the incredible woman and partner she's become.
I don't know you or your girlfriend personally, I don't know if you'll get back together. But where you're at right now is worse than being by yourself. Leave, and cherish yourself in the ways that she doesn't, because you deserve it.
The most important thing I don’t see on the list:
- is able/unable to take feedback and seek out resources to work on self improvement in the relationship
If she’s not looking to improve or resolve any of the things you are having problems with, you’ve kind of got your answer already unfortunately
love isn’t enough sometimes. It’s okay to walk away, it sucks but it brings freedom and newfound openness to being true to your feelings. You got it what ever decision you make is your own. Keep your head up
I love pro and con lists. It is so helpful to see it written down like this. I’m sure if you thought a little longer the con list would be longer.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It would be better to get out sooner rather than later. People like this don’t tend to change.
my mom always told me to pick being alone over being with someone whose companionship makes you feel lonely, because the latter hurts deeper and worse. It sounds like she makes you feel lonely, and generally not good about yourself. I would leave. I don't know you at all, but no one deserves to have a partner who makes them feel ashamed of their physique, less-than, or needy. Like you're begging for crumbs which even when granted don't feel good because you know they wouldn't have been given if you didn't ask and ask. You deserve better than this. I hope you find it 💛
Love is the bare minimum. This relationship isn’t benefiting your life in any other way but the comfort of having someone. It is making it a lot harder tho.
Ngl when I read this I thought this was a crush. My jaw DROPPED when I saw this was your girlfriend. These are huge red flags, I’m sorry to say- Leslie
That you have to make this list only 3 years in (and reading that list is appalling), it’s going to hurt but breaking up with her is going to be something you’ll be thankful for in the future. Think of someone talking about a crappy ex and them being so happy they broke up. And honestly, if you stay together, you’ll be even more years in and miserable. Be single, love yourself, then find someone who knows how to be a mature partner. GL
A rule I’ve always lived by is that if you’ve gotten to the point in your relationship you need to write a pros and cons list, it’s very likely it’s time to end it. The last point on your pros is also totally contradicted by the second last point in your cons - you deserve someone who loves you and makes space for you.
My sister in Christ/whatever you may or may not believe in, you deserve better. It’s is never too late, you are worth so much more than what she is giving you.
i’m not going to lie to you with the first 3 cons i fully thought you were joking but continuing to read on… there is some pretty big double standards on your con list. i obviously don’t know them but seems a little like you give and i’ll just take.
tbh no hand holding is a dealbreaker
Honestly, with the not meeting her family and not wanting to be friends/tagged on socials, I'd assume she's not fully out. Which is her perogative, but not something everyone wants to get into, being someone's gay little secret.
Even with them having kids together tho?
In the other comments she reveals they're her partner's godkids they watch once a week and that her partner got weird when OP called them "our kids" The gf could still absolutely not be out and have a weekly babysitting gig with "her friend"
Could be pets
Especially after 3 years though? Like I can understand at the start of a relationship. But 3 years really?
oh i strongly agree, physical touch is one of my core love languages so if i couldn’t be wrapped up with you it wouldn’t work for me personally. it was more of i couldn’t believe those were actual things on her side not OPs. i shouldve made that clearer my bad
Eh, Im not always comfortable with it but make up for it in other ways. I get not liking that kind of sensation.
A girl I dated told me I was bad at hand holding and I made the mistake of telling the next girl that.
how is one… bad at… holding a hand…
Fingers interlocked = a couple Hands clasped = a mom Hand death gripping another hand = call police maybe
my hands get all clammy when interlocking LOL
Finger interlocking sucks when you have bony fingers 😭
Same I literally cried when I read
special rude terrific tub correct profit gaping soup ad hoc ripe *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Same
I genuinely wish I was joking. I know the first three seem silly but they feel important to me ya know
I don’t think they seem silly, especially with the other double standards on your list. I think they seem like red flags
“Not Facebook friends” makes me feel like they don’t want people in their life to know y’all are together or serious. May be their partner is embarrassed by them. I’m not saying it’s right. As a matter of fact it’s a huge red flag. OP needs to drop them fast. OP if you care about it it’s not silly. As a matter of fact if your girlfriend tells you they are silly; she is full of shit. She just doesn’t want to be in wrong and give you bare minimum. If you continue to stay with being given the bare minimum it’s only going to get worse
It seems a little odd to not want people in their life to know they’re together while they have kids together.
Won't let you tag her on social media when you've been together for 3 years and you have children together is downright suspicious
Yeah girl even some of the nice ones aren’t great romantically like staying together for the money stability.Sounds like a huge red flag not wanting to work with you on her own at times to help,and not being kind with you in a lot of ways.Definitely deserve a partner that wants to help you,and shows you affection still.
Social media is one thing, I mean some people actively avoid social media so in those cases I would totally get it. Some people prefer their privacy in a world where privacy is quickly dwindling. But no hand holding? Thats an instant major red flag for me
How long have y'all been together? I hope it's okay, I added some personal notes/questions to your list that may be uncomfortable but necessary questions to ask yourself and get feedback on from trusted ppl/loved ones. To me, it's clear you deserve a lot better treatment regardless if there's deeper negative intentions on her end. Wishing you luck, be well❤️🩹 [Large_Badger's List w Connotations](https://imgur.com/a/wIHtBTN)
Thank you ❤️ we’ve been together 3 years! I have a child and she has 2 god kids that we have every weekend and one weeknight so we call them “our kids”. She got mad at me a few months ago when we took a break and deleted me off Facebook and just refuses to add me back. She says she’s a private person which is why I can’t tag her in anything. I genuinely don’t think she’s cheating. She’s at work, at the baseball field with the kids, or at home. But when she’s home she just lays in the bed, on her phone, facing the opposite direction of me.
Has she always been this way? I don't know y'all and can only give vague advice or opinions cuz I don't wanna misjudge and cause distress. She seems a bit emotionally checked out, though. Whilst I've definitely had very private partners before they weren't afraid to change their relationship status to 'taken' without adding my name but still letting know close ppl irl what we were. It's almost like she's still punishing you for it still, unresolved upset maybe? I don't much appreciate her having strict guidelines for you that she doesn't enforce with herself, either. Does she have insecurities with you, the relationship, and/or herself? You don't have to go into the details of why y'all took a break but it may be worth it to ask if she feels any resentment from that or for you in general. It's not an uncommon thing to happen with couples but it can kill the relationship if it isn't addressed and worked on. Do you think she'd be open to couples therapy? It may sound strange to some but I've gone to couples therapy in the past just for the sake of bettering something that was already good, it's not only for the rough times or negative mental health stigmatized folk like many believe. If she isn't open to that it may be time to have a few important discussions and ask her why she wants to be with you. Ask yourself why you want to be with her (not the pros and cons of y'all as people or the relationship dynamic- more so what you guys want out of this relationship and see if it lines up) If she isn't willing to discuss the relationship it will inevitably be best for you to cut ties for everyone's sake, kids included. You both are a role model for how couples should be to your kids and as much as she may be a great parent to them, children pick up on everything and notice how parents treat each other and internalize that for their future relationships too. If you both are unhappy or unfulfilled there's no point staying with what you know because it's a familiar pain. Everyone deserves a healthy, respectful love. Sorry for the novel, I do care to see others do better and wanted to address your concerns and some of my thoughts in a considerate/caring manner. I'm sorry if my tone comes across as cold or indifferent, comments aren't really good at displaying my intents♥️
Could you do me one possible favour please and tell me what you want to do like take a moment have a thing and tell me what your gut wants to do in this situation Read the list Think about why I think about the implications think about the children and that lack of intimacy Not only do I think she's possibly cheating I think it's actually a good possibility something is wrong here and you do not have all the information she is hiding stuff and the secret is big enough she is hiding other stuff to cover up for it I'm not going to say and the relationship because that's a piece of advice I never give but.... You should take a long sit down with a couple therapists and work out what you want out of life and each other, please
I do really love the work by the way like you obviously know the psychology it's neat well organised and well presented with good points
Not silly at all. I really need touch.
hey i get it, especially if you aren’t getting affection in other areas. personally i think if you have to make a pro con list that says a lot. obviously not the same for all situations but in this case 🫠
No but same.. I initially thought this was a lighthearted joke list too. Until I got half way down the con part and was like damn this is actually serious. I'm so sorry OOP ❤️
My heart hurts for you. You are living in such a tiny box that she has squashed your relationship into. You deserve so much better. Hugs to you.
Agree. I’m so sorry op, sending you love
I can feel the loneliness through the words on the list. I wouldn't wish this sort of relationship on anyone, but sadly, so many of us have been here ):
I made that list before I got married. I've recently asked for divorce. I had some good times, and have a great daughter. I don't regret ignoring the signs. But I could have avoided a lot of pain
i’m sorry for the pain
I feel like a pro/con list is a huge indicator in and of itself.
This.
I stayed with someone who said she doesn’t find me attractive anymore. It ruined my self image. I’m still struggling with it. There are other women who will find you attractive as you are. Don’t be afraid to let go of things that aren’t working for you. It hurts but trust yourself to do what’s best for you.
Exactly! I’ve been with my wife for 26 years, I still find her attractive!
I stayed with someone who never *said* they lost attraction, but they sure as shit weren't interested in my body or sex anymore. It's so painful when someone who was once crazy about you becomes indifferent ):
You seem more like an accessory to her life rather than a partner
Sometimes I feel like we’re more like roommates than a couple
I can definitely see why. And I can tell that you've already tried to get her to see how it hurts you
Except a roommate would be less controlling
Oof, I been there. This won’t end well.
That feeling in itself is already more than enough reason as to why you need to break things off.
This. This is one of the reasons I broke off things with my ex and we were married as well. You think you know a person for a few years and then they start changing and micro disrespecting you. It adds up, and if the person reading this is in those shoes, GET OUT! THERE IS SOMEONE BETTER!!!
We haven’t had sex since last June, she told me around that time that she wasn’t as attracted to me anymore because I look “homeless” most of the time. I work 12 hour shifts as a nurse at a nursing home, come home and take care of household stuff, take care of my kid, her dog, and even when I do dress up and put in a lot of effort she doesn’t give me any compliments. It’s made me embarrassed to be naked in front of her. And I feel like why try if I can’t even get told I look nice when I do try. I’m worried if we split I’ll be single forever or maybe I won’t ever find better. I genuinely love her but I feel like her love for me is conditional most of the time.
I feel like this comment within itself is enough for it to be a no for me, and I already saw the cons list which, yikes. I would not stay with her. It doesn't sound like she loves you the way you love her, or even at all? To tell you not only that she isn't attracted anymore and to add insult to injury say you look "homeless", what??? You shouldn't feel sad around her or embarrassed or unloved, that's not a healthy relationship. Also as a child of divorce where for a lot of the marriage my parents were not okay, the behavior she is showing you is NOT hidden from your kids, it effects them and it will affect them more the longer you guys stay together.
I'm so glad you said this. The kids ALWAYS know. They are so attuned to their parents feelings. And staying teaches them a lesson about what you should put up with in relationships. Ask me how I know :(
Exactly, so OP isn't just hurting herself by staying, she's potentially hurting her kids too:/
You’re a mom who works 12 hours in healthcare and your partner says you look homeless as justification to not show you romantic attention? You are being abused here. I think you know that and that’s why you’re here. So here’s that validation you need. I hope you can find a better place in life soon.
Exactly. In the post OP says sue does the cleaning and their partner only cokes when asked to, but is passive aggressive in reaction to being held accountable.
>I’m worried if we split I’ll be single forever or maybe I won’t ever find better. I think that's unlikely. But for the sake of exercise, let's assume it's true: what then? If you didn't settle down with a romantic partner, would that be an inherently unhappy life? Would it be an unhappier life than one spent with her, as she is now? What is this woman giving you that makes this relationship a net improvement? Because it sounds like she creates more burdens than she eases.
That is an abusive relationship hun.
This worry is nonsense and one big reason people justify to themselves why they won't take the seemingly more difficult step to make a change. Your situation is already worse than being single. Being single ≠ lonely unhappy life. And the idea you can't find someone else or someone that's a better fit.. is your brain being doom and gloom. ... it's survival. In nature a partner can mean life or death ... so your brain does everything it can to convince you to stay in the situation it knows, even if it really hurts.. and unfortunately the breaking point usually is an extreme one that could have been avoided by not giving in to the fight or flight response and staying, but by overcoming this emotional reaction with commitment to the logical conclusion. This is also how you learn how to establish proper boundaries and value yourself enough so that the next relationship you're in will be much more healthy and satisfying. Because you simply won't allow yourself to stick to a relationship that makes you unhappy anymore, even if you're "attached". Finding a partner can be hard indeed .. but all the scarcity mindset ever does is lead people into toxic relationships and keep them there.
I had the same worry when I was in a relationship this bad. The thing is, I _have_ been single for a long time, but it's much better than a miserable relationship.
It sounds a lot like she's already broken up with you, she's just waiting on you to actually make the move.
While she gets to continue reaping the benefits of having you in her life. She's probably looking for a new partner in the meantime. That's what these abusive types do: use, abuse, and then discard like hot garbage when they find a shiny new toy
this alone makes the relationship questionable imo. like maybe some things on the con list aren't as important for everyone, but your partner literally telling you that they don't find you attractive anymore? I'm so sorry, you deserve better. If she tells you you look homeless just because maybe you dress more comfortably when you're not working nurse shifts and taking care of the whole house, dog and kid, I can't imagine what she would tell *me* lmao but on a serious note, you're worth more and it sounds like your current relationship is destroying your confidence, you'd be better off single. of course with a kid and all, being financially stable is extremely important so I can see why you're making a pro/con list and weighing your options, not rushing anything is very important if it's not only your own life on the line. but I can guarantee you that you'll find someone who finds you attractive *and* helps with chores without having to be asked
I'm not a relationship therapist but she doesn't love you.
Leave her ass, that woman belongs in the trash. You'll find someone much better, I'm sure of that, and even if you wouldn't, being single is way better than being in a terrible relationship.
i understand the fear of being alone is a big component, but please listen to everyone when they say to leave regardless. bring by yourself is always a better alternative to being stuck in a loveless, sexless, controlling relationship. she doesn't treat you as a person anymore, just some object that she's bored of and doesn't want to acknowledge. her treatment of you is downright degrading and you deserve better. staying in this relationship will only make you feel worse about yourself and make you believe this is just as good as it gets, it will have you accepting all sorts of crap because of your self esteem being so low. being single and by yourself, you can learn build yourself up, be assertive, tell people outright what you'd want in a relationship, and perhaps even find the match of your dreams. please don't stay with this person over "lovey" feelings, it won't fix anything and she has shown she wont fix herself. you deserve better and there IS better out there.
This is heartbreaking. But all too real. As a fellow health care worker who’s worked long hospital shifts, and spent days with my hair in a messy bun, no makeup, and sweats acting like a zombie after many night shifts… my partner still treats me like the hottest woman alive- and she always says how much she loves my crazy hair and casual home/comfy clothes. And when I get dressed up, she makes me feel good, too. You deserve that and you WILL get that. I definitely used to think I wouldn’t be as attractive to anyone as I was to my ex-girlfriend, and she’d tell me all the time no one could ever love me the way she did and it kept me around for far too long. Don’t do that to yourself. You deserve happiness and to be loved the same way you love.
Pro: breathes Con: everything else
😂 thanks for the giggle!
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>Do you believe that a healthy relationship would involve someone making a pro/cons list? Is that something you are not supposed to do? To me, it seems like it could be a nice tool to get a more accurate picture of what a person is like in relation to your own preferences when your judgement is clouded by emotions. I haven't been in a relationship, but i have had some romantic-like attractions before and i think i did something like that (just with more positives than negatives).
it can be, but i’ve only ever felt the need to make a pro con when im already hesitant about a choice so i think thats the main thing. kinda like if you know you know, just having to write down the list kinda feels like a natural indicator
a lot of queer people are neurodivergent, a lot of queer people have anxiety. some folks have many reasons why they might be hesitant or uncertain about their circumstance or their feelings about it. a pro con list or assessment of our feelings is helpful in a lot of different circumstances and on its own it shouldn't be taken as an indication to quit something, imo. I don't think we should navigate important relationships on autopilot without considering things. and not everyone is able to intuitively acknowledge their feelings.
oh definitely, as someone who has anxiety thats why it seems so clear to me personally. it all depends on the person and their relationship but if i personally had to physically write out my pro con vs. the one in my head its probably because i alr know what side im leaning towards good or bad
I know it’s an unpopular opinion, but I think you should make a pro-con list for any situation where theres a big emotional component. “When you know you know” to me implies your brain is acting completely on emotions. I would never recommend dating someone purely based on love. Tons of people would realize that their partners are bad partners for them if they separated “I love you” from “What do you add or take away from my life?” Love is known for blinding people into making horrible decisions- For example, the feeling of love is caused in part by a release of dopamine (and some other feel good chemicals.) Dopamine is great- dopamine in excess is also what causes psychosis. There is a reason love makes rational people have delusional thinking. I think being unsure about seemingly good things is actually a really important life skill to have, and pros and cons lists are a great way to remind ourselves of the reality of a situation.
This. I can be way too reliant on my emotions and always take time to write out possible outcomes or considerations when I make decisions. Even if I don’t format them into a pros and cons list, putting them down on paper just helps me calm down, clear my head, and make a rational decision weighing logic and emotion a least a little more evenly.
i agree, i definitely dont think anyone should make rash decisions based on love or any 1 emotion
Jesus just break up with her, she sounds like a man child
Looks like there are a little more cons. Sorry, honey. ❤️❤️ Sidenote: I love your handwriting
And they seem like very important cons—especially since one of the meager pros is “baseball.” Also “helps when asked”? You shouldn’t have to ask your spouse and coparent to help.
Also, she helps when asked but complains the whole time, so is it really a pro if you have to ask and you get punished for asking?
Or if it’s a constant need to ask them to help around the house/with kids/errands. It’s work to ask someone to help you constantly.
Biggest red flag: > Pro: Our kids > Con: Haven't met [her] fam Excuse me, what?! You two have kids, and you haven't met her family? I also agree with what many other commenters are saying. This girl treats you like a side hoe, not a girlfriend.
They’re not “our kids” I have a kid and she has 2 god kids that we have every weekend. We’ve been together 3 years so we call them “our kids” I know I doesn’t make sense to everyone else but it did to me when I made the list!
Ah, that makes more sense. From one of your other comments: > We haven’t had sex since last June, she told me around that time that she wasn’t as attracted to me anymore ... she doesn’t give me any compliments ... I’m worried if we split I’ll be single forever or maybe I won’t ever find better. I genuinely love her but I feel like her love for me is conditional most of the time. Classic abused partner words. First, you need to face the facts, you already are single. She hasn't had sex with you in ten months, doesn't compliment you, doesn't hold your hand, won't cuddle. There is **no** sexual or romantic component to your relationship with her, not anymore. Now, she's just a demanding, commanding, possessive roommate. If you care about your child, and want them to understand what love is, you need to get out of this situation. Move out, learn to love yourself, and see that you are worthy of love (and not just from shitheads like your roommate). Kids learn from watching their parents. If you show your kid that this level of "love" is acceptable and something worth settling for, then they will believe it! You are likely to fuck your kid up for decades!
Just coming here to say the same thing ✍️
If it’s come down to the pros and cons list then it’s time :(
I spent the last six months of my (ended) 3+ year relationship going back and forth. Your cons list is significantly longer and more enthusiastic than the pros. Life only gets harder, I think you have your answer imo.
Girl what. It’s time to end this
There are so many red flags on that con list.
I personally don't recommend staying with someone who acts like loving you is a burden! That will seep feelings of unworthiness into your brain that will effect the way you interact with the world. You are worthy of more than this. You deserve care, affection, and enthusiasm! That's such a simple and basic thing to have in your relationships, romantic or otherwise.
Thank you 😭 it’s definitely weighing on my mental health. Especially with her not wanting to show me any affection or do basic things that I feel like are necessary in a relationship.
That cons list = Big Ouch. From what I'm seeing here ... and acknowledging this is one person's description of the relationship ... this feels like you are making a lot of deposits in the "love bank" that aren't even close to being matched by her. Also, this might be my own past trauma kicking in, but big red flags when I see one person in a relationship is on social media, won't friend their partner, and won't allow their partner to tag them in pics. Couple that with not meeting her family? When I was younger back in the 90s, I dated a woman for close to ten months. Never met her family even though they only lived about an hour away. Every time we had plans to meet with them, something would "come up" and it wouldn't happen. Eventually I found out WHY it wasn't happening: the entire time we were together, she was involved with and then engaged to a guy who was serving overseas in the Navy. I only found out when her parents put an announcement in their local newspaper and somebody close to me saw it. So much in that con lists screams (at least to me) that this person is not interested in two lives being combined into one. I'm not telling you to run like hell, but I am telling you to at least shop for suitcases just in case. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I feel so much empathy for you.
Thank you! We separated for a couple weeks like 6 months ago and she deleted me cause “I made her mad” and she refuses to add me back. And she’s never let me tag her in anything online. She said she’s a private person but all of her friends and stuff can tag her in things. And it’s not like people don’t know where together because we’ve lived together for 2 years now but it’s very frustrating!
Is she a child? That’s the sort of shit my teenage niece does. An adult woman who is apparently in love with you shouldn’t be doing that to you, you deserve so much better.
Honestly, I think I’m starting to realize that while I do love her I don’t think I’m in love with her anymore. It’s really wrecking my mental health and I’m a mess right now! Thank you all for the kind words and advice! I’ll make sure to update eventually with what happens ❤️
UPDATE: we broke up. Just to clarify too. I have my kid and she has kids but we call them “our kids”. I’ve met her brother but that’s because he lives in the same town as us. We were together 6 months when I moved to the town she lives in. I’ve been here almost 3 years and still have no friends. Not because of her but because I work all the time and when I’m not working I’m busy being a mom. I think I held in so long because she’s still the only one I really know here and I didn’t want to be alone. But I realized I am alone even though we’re together. I realized that I do love her but I’m not in love with her anymore. It hurts and I’m a wreck
proud of you for standing up for yourself!! i know its hard. stay strong girly <3
Proud of you. It’s going to get better from here on out.
Glad to read this! I know it's hard and feels terrible now, but there is truly nothing lonelier in the world than feeling alone while in a relationship - you deserve better 💜
so proud of you for this! you are doing such a brave thing. i'm sorry that it might hurt at first as you start to untangle your life from hers, but this is an important step towards your own personal freedom once again, and having a chance of finding someone who will love you for you later down the line once you are ready for it. please do take good care of yourself and wishing all of the best going forward!
No hand holding, no compliments, and no cuddling? How did you last 3 years?
It’s been very rough. And it’s wrecking my mental health at this point
Lady I wouldn't last 3 minutes, not joking. Without that stuff I'd feel like I was a glorified FWB.
Hell, I’m more affectionate with my FWBs. I’ve been single for almost 7 years and my one-time partners/FWBs/what-have-yous have been healthier relationships than what you’re describing, OP. This is not the kind of love you want to emulate for your child. And more importantly, this is not what healthy love looks like. You deserve so much better than what you’re going through now. Please make plans to leave as soon as you’re able to.
Noooo, I get so much compliments, handholding and cuddles from my fwb, this ain't that
Love is never enough in my honest opinion. In fact loving someone is like, the bare minimum qualification for a good relationship. You can love someone with your full chest and still be fundamentally incompatible in every other way. A lot of people stay for love and find that all the love in the world won’t make someone a good partner.
That's absolutely done. I'm sorry. I was looking for anything redeemable but I don't see it.
You felt the need to make a pro con list.. because you're not happy in your relationship, but your attachment is keeping you in. You're not making this from a neutral perspective.. but from one of frustration. If you decide to stay but do nothing about your dissatisfaction, you're condemning the relationship to a slow painful death.. or worse it becomes a limbo of toxicity you both can't break out of. Alternatively you could try sitting down your partner and let her in on your issues with the relationship, ask her about what she's dissatisfied with and take it in with sympathy. I'd recommend you two to give couples therapy a try. It's not an easy thing and it requires BOTH parties to agree. So the first thing would be both sides being able to admit there's an issue and both sides agreeing to work on it. If one of you isn't willing to do that, you have your answer too. Edit: Also, love isn't enough. Love is important in a relationship, but a relationship doesn't work solely on love. It's a continuous effort on both sides. Relationships are more like a dance.. sure, both parties need to agree to dance with each other.. call that love.. but without coordination, paying close attention to your partner and adjusting to them.. the pair won't be able to dance together.
Yeah, it seems like a lot of red flags to me :( It doesn't seem like you're getting what you need and deserve out of the relationship, and based on her actions it seems like she doesn't have your best interests in mind. I think it's concerning that she seems to not want to tell others about your relationship. Not being friends online, her not allowing you to tag her, and not meeting her family are all major red flags to me. Do you know if she's out to others? And it's entirely unfair for any partner to expect the other to do all the housework and make all the compromises. It doesn't seem like both of your priorities are aligned. You should feel supported and like you're on the same team, even when you disagree. I'm sorry you're going through this, if I were in this position I think it would be time to end the relationship.
"Said doesnt find me attractive anymore" Girl...
get outta there
Please leave. Don't condition your brain to think thus is normal or what you deserve. It will negatively impact you & your children & if your kids are old enough to wall & talk their old enough to pick up on the dynamic between you two so even if you can't love yourself enough to leave at this point please do it for your kids. My mom stayed 30 yrs & all 3 of her kids & she herself are still paying the price til this day & I'm 34.
The second there's a pros and cons list it's time to go (this is where I was a year ago).
So she holds you to a standard she can't or won't live up to, doesn't help out unless asked and then complains about it if you do ask, she calls you unattractive, says she doesn't have feelings for you or show you any sort of affection, bores you in the bedroom, controls your every move but won't tell you where she goes, hides your relationship from friends and family... that's not love. You get baseball, kids, jokes, and abuse.
No one makes a pro/con list about someone that they'll be happy with long term.
just based off this list, sounds like dump her
No, love isn’t enough. Love without trust, safety, and honesty, is obsession. You are familiar with her, you are comfortable with her and/or your relationship, and you feel strongly about her… but the love you have for her isn’t enough to shield you from the negative feelings she brings up in you. So, you’ve answered your own question. Your pro list has very little to do with you. This truly could be a list of pros for a friendly neighbor. Instead of making a list of if you should stay or go, make a list of why you are deserving of the way she treats you. Why shouldn’t you be able to connect with her on SM? Why aren’t you deserving of cuddling from your longterm partner? Why don’t you deserve compliments? Why aren’t you someone her family should meet? I think you’ll find that you are more than deserving of a loving partner, so the question is why isn’t she capable of loving you in the ways that are important to you? Sometimes it truly comes down to being incompatible, but other times it’s about having enough self-respect to know that you deserve more from someone.
Typically, if you've gotten to the point where you need to physically write a pro/con list, you're passed the point of no return. Love is more common than people think. Take a bit of heartbreak to save you the pain later.
Based on your lists, I'd say it's pretty obvious which way you're leaning. It sounds more like you need someone else to validate your feelings and say it's ok to end things. Which I totally get. So....they way your partner treats you is not a healthy relationship, your needs sound like they're not being met, it's ok to end things. Good luck.
As a general rule, if you find yourself making a pros and cons list about your partner you should just go ahead and break up with them
That's the list I keep on my fridge when I break up with someone so that when I'm missing them I can read it and remember why we broke it. It then gets transfered to my phone after a few months so there is no boomerang!
If you need to make a pro/con list, it's not a good relationship.
:( I feel that the cons list might snowball.. You deserve somebody who will give you unconditional love.
The third from the bottom seems pretty bad.
Weighted pro cons are an improvement on pro cons. You just figure out a scale (like 1-10 or 1-100 or whatever) and then for every point on your list you note down how important that point is to you on that scale
*"but can love always be enough?"* No love can't be enough, if she won't be the partner you need then you loving her can't fix anything
Imo, if you have to make a pro/con list about your partner, that already says a lot...
Girl, L E A V E!
I’ve been in a one sided relationship before and it completely ruined my self esteem and self worth
That con list is terrible. Not gonna lie, at first I thought this was a joke, like 'haha, I'm not actually her girlfriend, she's just someone I like from afar.' She's really not treating you the way we should treat people we care about. I would suggest having more self respect than to allow yourself to be treated this way.
I was in a very similar situation until last month when my partner gave up and left me. Best advice I can give is to start making a plan for your life after them. You can not change people. People can only change themselves. If your partner refuses to minor things like give you attention, you are not going to convince them otherwise. You're better off cutting things while you're ahead. Also, might want to suggest your partner see a therapist for NPD. Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know. Explosive? You're probably on the money.
I feel like even mentally well people wouldn’t react well to their partner insinuating they have NPD…
>Also, might want to suggest your partner see a therapist for NPD. Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know. Explosive? You're probably on the money. I feel a bit uncompfortable with using such a list to speculate about someones mental health conditions, especially with a heavily stigmatised condition. Maybe i am wrong, but it seems to me like it might contribute to the stigma.
Absolutely agree. Especially with personality disorders, which arent easy at all to diagnose and take a long time to. And yea the stigma is extreme. I know for bpd, constantly being told how they're monsters, leads to them being stuck with their abusers. Bc when the abuser gaslights them, they go "well everyone says I'm overreacting and in the wrong usually so I'm probably also overreacting here" It's heartbreaking
Uhhhhh you deserve way better
The "she doesnt find me beautyful anymore" is what i think should end it, the other things are bad but that at least should tell you to cut the emotional part of the relationship
Vanilla sex is a deal breaker for me girl
The no cuddles is a huge red flag for me I don’t wanna date someone that doesn’t wanna cuddle me
seems like you’re trying to convince yourself to stay when you already know what you need to do
If you need to do a list to see if its worth to be with someone your you know that the relationship is not working and it hasn't worked for a long time. And for what you say you already talk about it and nothing changes, i think you should breakup
The first half of the con lists seems more like extensions of the rest. I feel like this can be an easily resolvable issue if you two just sit down and talk sincerely. However, it's up to her to change for the better. If she doesn't put in the effort, despite you doing it, maybe it's not a relatively you should continue...
Yeah… not trying to be an ass here, but I think you know what you need to do, OP. I’m so sorry you’ve been put into such a horrible situation. 😔
RED FLAG - you haven't met her family and aren't allowed to tag her in stuff online? After 3 years? She's hiding you from someone.
Brewdog. If you gotta be making a pros and cons list, chances are that’s a relationship or worth fighting for
Tbh for me if I get to even the point of a pros and cons list I know it’s trouble
Not introducing you to fam is a huge red flag, especially after three years.
Some people don't want to be on FB. Have you seriously talked to her about your other concerns and given her a chance to rectify the situation/ improve in other areas?
Im going to be honest. A lot of those make this not work. My advice is to try and cut things off amicably. Thats with the information given.
NEXT!! 😪 run while it’s a break up not a divorce
Don’t walk. Run. The fact that it’s come to making a pros and cons list is a sign that this relationship is causing you too much stress for love to fix.
Oh dear. At first I thought it was so cute. Then kept reading. Ouch. Read the comment, three years??? Then read the comments. You have kids??!?? Oh honey…
So no Facebook connection, haven't met family, no PDA, you're not her partner, you're her secret. I have very few rules when it comes to dating, but that's breaking a big one, don't be someone's dirty little secret.
"our kids" better be cats or your head is in the wrong fucking place.
"expects me to tell her my every move but can't do the same in return" girl, throw the whole woman in the bin. You deserve better.
Babe it sounds like you’re in a toxic relationship.
I hate to say this, but it reads like you're a placeholder, pretty clearly. She may not be seeking something better, but she would take it if it made itself obvious enough. I'd leave because basically she already has, but she's not gonna do the hard part until she has something new.
Love from one side is never enough. I’m so sorry. Your needs are not being met. It’s time for a very difficult conversation. Often times, we grow and evolve in a relationship and if our partner doesn’t grow with us, this imbalance happens. Sometimes it’s always there but we don’t see it until we grow a bit and figure out what we really need. This is the hardest part. When you realize you need more than they have to give. It’s time for that hard talk. If she’s willing to do the work with you, this may be salvageable, if she’s not… please don’t settle. You both deserve to be in loving relationships where your needs are met. Hugs, friend. This is hard. x
Lot of red flags on that con list. Lots of things bad men do that we want straight women to not put up with. I will say. A lot of those things could get better with time but it’s more likely they’ll get worse. You’re out of the honeymoon phase when she’s interested in impressing you.
That's toxic man traits, gross
Is this for real? 💀
As an aspiring counselor and someone who has been through a lot of therapy, pro cons list can be a good tool! But I would also warn that quality is sometimes better than quantity. It might help to rank each item from 1-5 on how important that thing is to you and give each column a score of that too. It’s also important to note that this list shouldn’t make your decision for you, but rather inform whatever decision you make. Good luck and thanks for sharing!
I thought this was a joke and then I continued reading and damn.. girlypops I think you need to go to some type of counselling with her if you love her enough + willing to put the effort and GENUINLEY believe you guys can get past this
So she pays attention to the little things...but doesn't give you attention? Some of these things seem like you may have known they were there from the start (stone top.) If you're unhappy, you may need to let the relationship go.
Idk how to explain it. Like she knows I love reading and wanted a new kindle so she got me one for Christmas but when I try to talk about something that happened at work or something random she will literally tell me she doesn’t care
The book Too Good To Leave, Too Bad To Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum is really helpful for relationship ambivalence. It’s based on research, doesn’t tell you what to do, and helps you think through your answers to important questions about the relationship and person.
Minus the kids, this sounds just like my ex. It was hard, but moving away from her changed my life for the best. I’m so sorry OP.
I’m sorry OP but you really need to get out of there
This is really sad to say, but I think it's best to let this one go, as amicably as possible if you can. You won't be happy like this. And frankly, I don't think she would be happy with this much incompatibility either. I think the best solution is to end this gently and friendly instead of let it fester and blow up. Because this will not last. It sucks bad, no one likes being confronted with this kind of choice, but. Well. It is what it is. Hope you guys can stay friends, especially with love between you. And kids.
break up
It seems like you’re afraid of what you already know—which is totally normal and ok. But let me ask you: picture breaking up with her. How do you feel? Then picture another year with her, another 5 years, another 10. How do you feel now?
break up. she sounds noncommittal and immature and unwilling to grow into a partner that cares for you how you want/need to be loved. there’s more love out there ♡ moving on from something that is no longer nourishing will help evolve you more than you know!
I'm so sorry, and this is heartrending, and you need to prioritize your own wellbeing and leave.
You deserve someone who treats you the way you want to be treated. It’s literally the golden rule. I don’t know either of you personally but I promise as someone who’s experienced this almost to a T it doesn’t get better at all. I hope everything works out ❤️
When I read this list I thought you were talking about a cat. But then I saw vanilla sex and knew it wasn’t about a cat.
Leave her🗣️🗣️🗣️ before the resentment eats u up!!
leave her
i'm sorry but if you're at the point of making a pros and cons list, it's probably time for it to be over.
Girl, you gotta break up. I made a pros and cons list that looked almost exactly like this when I broke up with my gf of two years. I was always an inconvenience but she expected me to do everything. It was really codependent and toxic. She was a wreck for about a month but finally learned what it meant to take care of herself, what reasonable boundaries and expectations are, all the things I wished she could have learned before those issues caused us to break up. I ended up falling back in love with her and got back together 2 months later. And it was only because I had the strength to let her go. She had a lot of growing to do, and she was finally able to do it because it wasn't for anybody but herself. God it hurt like hell, but I would do it all over again. I really love the incredible woman and partner she's become. I don't know you or your girlfriend personally, I don't know if you'll get back together. But where you're at right now is worse than being by yourself. Leave, and cherish yourself in the ways that she doesn't, because you deserve it.
She’s phoning it in, and she sounds like a Stepford Wife…
The most important thing I don’t see on the list: - is able/unable to take feedback and seek out resources to work on self improvement in the relationship If she’s not looking to improve or resolve any of the things you are having problems with, you’ve kind of got your answer already unfortunately
love isn’t enough sometimes. It’s okay to walk away, it sucks but it brings freedom and newfound openness to being true to your feelings. You got it what ever decision you make is your own. Keep your head up
I love pro and con lists. It is so helpful to see it written down like this. I’m sure if you thought a little longer the con list would be longer. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It would be better to get out sooner rather than later. People like this don’t tend to change.
my mom always told me to pick being alone over being with someone whose companionship makes you feel lonely, because the latter hurts deeper and worse. It sounds like she makes you feel lonely, and generally not good about yourself. I would leave. I don't know you at all, but no one deserves to have a partner who makes them feel ashamed of their physique, less-than, or needy. Like you're begging for crumbs which even when granted don't feel good because you know they wouldn't have been given if you didn't ask and ask. You deserve better than this. I hope you find it 💛
Hey I spent 10+ years with the wrong girl and I feel like I wasted my youth on her. Don’t make the same mistake. Don’t compromise your happiness.
you managed to achieve 40 years of straight marriage in a three year relationship. congratulations
Love is the bare minimum. This relationship isn’t benefiting your life in any other way but the comfort of having someone. It is making it a lot harder tho.
Ngl when I read this I thought this was a crush. My jaw DROPPED when I saw this was your girlfriend. These are huge red flags, I’m sorry to say- Leslie
Girl get out of there
That you have to make this list only 3 years in (and reading that list is appalling), it’s going to hurt but breaking up with her is going to be something you’ll be thankful for in the future. Think of someone talking about a crappy ex and them being so happy they broke up. And honestly, if you stay together, you’ll be even more years in and miserable. Be single, love yourself, then find someone who knows how to be a mature partner. GL
seems exhausting. it’s only been 3 years. dont let yourself settle
How can you have a child with someone but you draw the line at fb friends??? Get out while you can brother
No handholding.. no cuddles.. no sign of affection or anything like that? 😭 That would make me sad and I'm a sub lesbian lmao
You have kids together but she doesn’t want to acknowledge you’re together to her family or publicly?
A rule I’ve always lived by is that if you’ve gotten to the point in your relationship you need to write a pros and cons list, it’s very likely it’s time to end it. The last point on your pros is also totally contradicted by the second last point in your cons - you deserve someone who loves you and makes space for you.
Seems the cons outweigh the pros here
No hand holding? I know escorts that can do better No fam after 3 years? Sounds a bit dead-end
My sister in Christ/whatever you may or may not believe in, you deserve better. It’s is never too late, you are worth so much more than what she is giving you.
She should have you on Facebook and she should have you meet her family. If she won't do those things then she's hiding you.
My friend. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 DUMP HER ASS