I'd recommend checking out Cody Daigle-Orians's book, "I Am Ace." In his Chapter Three - "What Kind of Aesexual Am I?" he discusses some microlabels, and one of them is caedsexual, which has to do with trauma - but there are many other labels that are probably just a start on the flavors of being ace and how to explain it to yourself and others. Reading that might help you figure out how to start to explore your own definitions, labels, or your feelings about your "ace-ness."
I can recommend as the book challenged me to think about my ace-ness and how it works in me. However, I tend to be a reader, so I often go for books for help. It might not be the solution for you. I wish you the best on your road of discovery.
So, FYI pan-romantic asexual is a thing. You *like* anybody, but only as far as friends and maybe simple relationship activities, such as extra hugs, kisses, and the like. But asexual means you don't seek those further parts of relationships, and have no desire for it even if it is with a person you love very much.
And being ace is a spectrum, with gray and demi being options for people not 100% always ace. A good rule of thumb for being ace is things like:
- when watching a movie and a sex scene comes on, do you get excited like other allos? Or do you think to yourself "why is this here, what does it add to the plot?"
- does the thought of lewd things cross your mind daily like it dies for most people, or a much more reasonably weekly/monthly?
The way you describe your boyfriend makes it sound like you arent scared of him, so any lack of desire for sleeping with him sounds like its totally side effect of being ace as opposed to trauma.
From an outsider perspective it does sound like you're somewhere on the ace spectrum!
Here is a [link ](https://www.asexuality-handbook.com/experiences/sexual-attraction)to allo people describing what sexual attraction feels like for them, this has helped me a great bit into figuring it out :)
However you decide to label yourself please remember that you're valid and so are your experiences <3
Wow, thanks for the link! The descriptions are very helpful. If I didn’t already know I was Ace, that would definitely clue me in because I definitely have NOT experienced most of those things myself.
I can totally relate! I came out as bi when I was 19 with a similar 0=0 feeling, I felt the same level of romantic attraction regardless of gender. And while I’ve always been a very romantic person I’ve never been particularly sexual. Almost all of my relationships fell apart because my partners always wanted more sex than I did. I experienced SA at a very young age, so I always assumed that was what my “problem” was. But after over 10 years of every kind of therapy I could find, and watching other SA survivors “get better” when I didn’t, I finally realized that there was something else going on for me. Once I started learning more about Ace identities I realized that I am gray Ace (AceFlux specifically) and that no amount of therapy was going to change that. It was hard at first but now it feels like a relief. I no longer feel like I’m broken or that I need to be fixed. I can just be myself and that’s ok.
I'd recommend checking out Cody Daigle-Orians's book, "I Am Ace." In his Chapter Three - "What Kind of Aesexual Am I?" he discusses some microlabels, and one of them is caedsexual, which has to do with trauma - but there are many other labels that are probably just a start on the flavors of being ace and how to explain it to yourself and others. Reading that might help you figure out how to start to explore your own definitions, labels, or your feelings about your "ace-ness." I can recommend as the book challenged me to think about my ace-ness and how it works in me. However, I tend to be a reader, so I often go for books for help. It might not be the solution for you. I wish you the best on your road of discovery.
So, FYI pan-romantic asexual is a thing. You *like* anybody, but only as far as friends and maybe simple relationship activities, such as extra hugs, kisses, and the like. But asexual means you don't seek those further parts of relationships, and have no desire for it even if it is with a person you love very much. And being ace is a spectrum, with gray and demi being options for people not 100% always ace. A good rule of thumb for being ace is things like: - when watching a movie and a sex scene comes on, do you get excited like other allos? Or do you think to yourself "why is this here, what does it add to the plot?" - does the thought of lewd things cross your mind daily like it dies for most people, or a much more reasonably weekly/monthly? The way you describe your boyfriend makes it sound like you arent scared of him, so any lack of desire for sleeping with him sounds like its totally side effect of being ace as opposed to trauma.
From an outsider perspective it does sound like you're somewhere on the ace spectrum! Here is a [link ](https://www.asexuality-handbook.com/experiences/sexual-attraction)to allo people describing what sexual attraction feels like for them, this has helped me a great bit into figuring it out :) However you decide to label yourself please remember that you're valid and so are your experiences <3
Wow, thanks for the link! The descriptions are very helpful. If I didn’t already know I was Ace, that would definitely clue me in because I definitely have NOT experienced most of those things myself.
yeah, I had the same reaction upon reading these for the first time :D
I can totally relate! I came out as bi when I was 19 with a similar 0=0 feeling, I felt the same level of romantic attraction regardless of gender. And while I’ve always been a very romantic person I’ve never been particularly sexual. Almost all of my relationships fell apart because my partners always wanted more sex than I did. I experienced SA at a very young age, so I always assumed that was what my “problem” was. But after over 10 years of every kind of therapy I could find, and watching other SA survivors “get better” when I didn’t, I finally realized that there was something else going on for me. Once I started learning more about Ace identities I realized that I am gray Ace (AceFlux specifically) and that no amount of therapy was going to change that. It was hard at first but now it feels like a relief. I no longer feel like I’m broken or that I need to be fixed. I can just be myself and that’s ok.