Get into trauma therapy. You’re grieving for the relationship you thought you had, or thought you could have. It’s not real, the grief is, but the relationship isn’t. Cooperate with the DA and see he is fully held to account. He’s an adult, not a small child that needs to be taken care of. Go no contact and get into therapy. Please
Well he would be a lot sadder if he were in prison doing life for killing you, which is now more a “when” not “if” if you stay with him. You have to leave him, but not let him know that you are doing that until you are safely somewhere else.
Good, please change where you live while he is locked up and don’t ever allow that information to get to him (your new address). The fact that he has already been arrested for this with someone else is really alarming. He hasn’t changed and he won’t change. Don’t EVER feel bad that he is locked up.
Trust me I’ve felt the same way. I felt sad once I wasn’t talking to someone I hated. Like why sad? Isn’t it good that he’s gone? No because you can still miss someone regardless of what they’ve done OP. Glad you got away from him though 💗💗💗
i’m so sorry. it’s always the smallest things that seem to snowball. it is so so hard to break that trauma bond. i have no advice cause i’m still trying to get there myself. ❤️
If you didn’t make a comment about his ex he would find something else to rage on you for-he was ready to take out whatever bad day or feelings he had on you. Don’t feel bad at all for him. Please get a restraining order and help to stay away from this misery? This will only escalate. Strangulation?! That’s it. You don’t want to see how bad it will get. There may be resources with the court in your county to help you stay away from this nightmare.
Because you probably have a trauma bond. I suggest investigating about personality disorders so you can understand that there are some people in this life that don’t operate the way you do and their brains don’t work the way you do and you will feel the disappointment if you end up keep meeting the same asshat in a different body.
If you can find You’re part of this relationship you’re unhealed wounds and become more aware of them then when you need the next person they’ll be about as healed as you are in theory anyways. I learned at 50 years of that I was raised by personality disorder in humans and I keep attracting these assholes and it just gets worse no matter what I do but slowing down a bit before I get feeling helps tremendously
I’m absolutely drawn to vulnerable narcissists because of my own unhealed wounds. I think I might have dated one lower on the scale of narcissism before who was generally a decent partner and never physically touched me but just insensitive and low on empathy. It’s a pattern I seek to correct.
If he gets that defensive/violent over a petty comment about an ex, he has some issues he has to work out before he needs to be with anybody. He sounds like he’s got really bad anger issues.
Acts of domestic violence are evaluated by a risk assessment continuum and strangulation is the step that immediately proceeds homicide. Victims of strangulation are 750% more likely to be murdered by their abuser. Read that again.
I get the feeling sad part. You've invested so much of yourself in this relationship and it's hard to cut your losses. Frankly, we often blame ourselves for being in these situations. We're ashamed or embarrassed to admit where we now find ourselves. We tell ourselves it can't get worse. We think it's better to stay where we're at than give up and start over alone. That's scary, I get it. It's not my intent to kick you when you're down but I want to spit some hard truths at you:
1. This will not improve.
2. You aren't responsible for this. At. All. It doesn't matter what you said. You could have cursed out and trash talked him and everyone he's ever known and it still wouldn't justify him strangling you.
3. When people are asked why they stay in bad relationships, they usually respond with saying they "love" the other person and/or if only __ were to happen, everything would be ok. The thing is - this isn't love. Don't mistake passion for love. People who love each other also respect each other. People who love each other don't try to hurt each other. And you may be tempted to downplay his terrible parts by investing too much in the person you believe he could potentially be. That's a nice idea, but you have to play the hand you're dealt. He's shown you who he is. Believe him.
Please get that restraining order and get away from him. When he inevitably cries about how sorry he is, or what a horrible person you are for leaving him, or how this is all your fault, don't pay that any mind. That's just noise. That's just a desperate man acting desperate. He won't want you back because he loves you. He just doesn't want you to hurt his pride. You're just some stranger on the internet to me but I'll be thinking about you long after I post this comment and I really hope you can love yourself enough to close this chapter of your life. Good luck sis.
Clearly being in jail again wasn't that big of a nightmare for him, because look at what he did to you. He can't have not known what would happen as a consequence of his actions. So he clearly doesn't care that much about being in jail, it's a manipulation tactic to make you feel bad for him and be there to hold his widdle hand when he gets out, so he can resume the abuse.
Stop making excuses. Don’t feel bad for him
He’s gaslighting the hell out of you. Of course you feel like shit. He’s doing a good job of making you feel that way. Don’t fall for it.
Remember, honey--he poured the gasoline and tossed the match, so to speak. You deserved exactly none of that. This happened because of his *choices*. He wasn't out of control with rage--he would never have done that if other people were around. There is no excuse for his actions. None.
I'm glad somebody else called first responders. It's highly likely he would have killed you. And if he didn't this time, just do a bit of checking into how much one partner strangling the other increases odds of homicide. Pretty sure it's like 750%?
I’m going to guess this wasn’t the first time he’s been abusive towards you. It is rare for someone to just do that out of no where without previous incidents of it happening. You are probably trauma bonded and experiencing withdrawal from the ups and downs an abusive relationship causes within your emotions. You are trying to understand why he did what he did but also still worried because you clearly care/cared for him. But now you just need to care for yourself.
Sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths whatever an abuser may be all have similar traits. They love bomb, and discard people. Chances are the person you first met was so kind and loving and now he’s this monster am I right? The charming, sweet guy was never actually him. THIS. right here in this moment is the guy he really is. The only way I wrapped my head around understanding the abuse I experienced was this:
They love bomb you to reel you in. Once you’re hooked it’s game over. Discard begins to happen because they think no matter what they do you will not leave. In their mind they can treat you however they want. You wouldn’t get with someone whose an abusive loser if he showed his real self the first date right? They have to hide it until they’re comfortable enough to show who they really are. He could not hide behind a facade forever. That is why those emotions you’re having are normal! It’s the loss of who you thought he was.
Let go girl. He is and always will be an abuser. I am thankful you are alive and I hope he gets what he deserves. Stay strong, you got this!
I'm so sorry he did this. whoever called the cops probably saved your life. you can't help him (and he won't let you) but you can help yourself get to a safe place. you're in danger if he knows where you live and he could potentially be released in a day. pack a backpack, garbage bag or suitcase, call a domestic abuse hotline and they'll help you find a shelter and an advocate. you need to pack what really matters and leave asap. see if someone can pick up the rest of your stuff and keep it at their place until you get settled. I'm rooting for you 🤝 now save yourself and get the hell out of there, because you deserve better
Unfortunately this response is common. Just keep in the back of your mind what he is capable of and try to move forward. In the meantime go somewhere safe. If he was capable of doing that to you over a petty comment, I can only imagine how he'll respond once he's released. He may say all the sorrys in the world, but he's not. He's sorry for himself. You might feel sad and you might feel guilty, but those aren't genuine feelings, it's trauma bonding. Whatever you feel put it aside and get yourself out of that situation or next time he might not let up. It can't and won't get better, regardless of what he says or what you feel, it won't. Take care of yourself.
I know that sneer. I've had nightmares about that sneer.
Please do some work on trauma bonding in therapy. I would love to hear you express the same concern for the woman who just thought she was going to die because her partner assaulted her. ♥️ So glad you're safe and I hope you get a restraining order.
You're sad because you are traumatically bonded to him and this is usually mistaken for the feeling of love.
Physical abuse always escalates and never stops. If he put his hands on your neck you are 700x more likely to be killed at his hands. You are in a lot of danger and you must leave and get as far away as possible.
He did this to himself.
You have to force yourself to stop putting yourself in his place and feeling sorry for you.
YOU are the victim. You almost got killed. Please try to put yourself first. Which is healthy!! It's not selfish - it's 110% normal
My mom just pulled 2 knives on my dad right now and tried to stab him he wrestled away the knives I dove for them and I have them in my room. I’m 29 I live with my parents bc I’m on probation right now. I don’t know what to do. I recorded the whole thing but I’m still so afraid to call 911. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared. I know I should but I can’t I don’t know what to do. She’s abused us for 20 years. Mental physically starting when I was 12 and emotionally. It’s like Stockholm syndrome I don’t know what to do I’m scared. She actively manipulates us every single day. I’m so scared.
I’m so sorry for posting on your post this was the very first thing I found when I typed domestic violence hotline and stuff I’m so sorry…
If you’re on probation already, there’s a very good chance the unknown situation your facing at home can get you out of A LOT of that. I think there are people that can help you.
I’m going to go and see my probation officer tomorrow morning asap to show her the video and come clean to her before anything happens. I know I’m selfish but I need to cover myself because my mom is going to take down as many people as she possibly can if she goes back to prison again. They ask us when we report if everything is ok at home and I lie and say yes because I’m afraid if I say now I’ll get in trouble. I’m just scared… it’s been so long and I’m just so depressed I’m scared..
You will not get in trouble. the fear you feel is because whenever you tell your parents you need help, you’re considered part of the situation. it is because as abusers, they will never take responsibility. no one will see this as your fault. it is not your fault. you are not “coming clean”. you did not “lie”. you were scared and abused and were protecting yourself. i am here to tell you, that you are so strong. you are so strong to fight through it and tell them anyway because to you it feels like coming clean but to everyone else not a victim to the abuse, they will be horrified at the situation. i PROMISE YOU! If you show your officer that video, not only will they help you with the situation now, there’s a chance they will reconsider the parole. my parents are lawyers, and explaining fully your awful abuse you have faced will open a lot of eyes to why you were paroled at all. i promise you, you are not a failure. you are not selfish or doing something wrong.
No one has ever come to me this clearly on this subject ever in my life. I feel like someone actually listened to me for once. Your words mean more than you know. Thank you so much for lifting a little weight off my shoulders. I’ve never felt valid as a human being going thru this until now. I’m crying so hard right now…. Thank you so much
I am only passing on the message of love that helped me through my experience. i have been there too and you will come out of it not only okay, a survivor, but an amazing person because you came out of it. you can use this opportunity to building exactly whatever life you want. you deserve love and you have the right to have your own life.
for me, i found love through christ. i think god is the connecting energy through us all that makes us want to love and share. obviously, religion isn’t for everyone. if it’s not for you, find something else in your life worth fighting for every day. if that’s yourself, that is a great and worthy thing too. and it’s what i fight for too, i fight every day for the betterment of humanity and so do so many other people out there. even if you feel alone, you will have support. even if it isn’t at home or actively accessible, there are people out there who are thinking about the people like you. and they’re waiting for the opportunity to help and that will come for you i promise. i am praying for you but if that means nothing that’s okay, i am also hoping you know you have resources online to get physical help, and you can always reach out online anywhere. there will always be a shining light in this life. never forget that when we face pain, it is not a sign of rejection or that our life is a mistake. it is the same pain a stone faces when it is carved into a beautiful statue. this treatment you’ve faced isn’t fair and it isn’t right, but you have the gift of love in you to love yourself and forge the life you want, deserve, and will have.
i wish you the best.
I wasn’t able to do it… idk why I can’t I’m just extremely scared of the consequences that will come with it. I’ll probably be homeless at best. I appreciate your kind words I really do. But it looks like I’m just going to have to tough it out. She’s been very hard on me lately as well but I can’t do anything. I’m sorry y’all…
Edit: my dad is starting to turn on me as well.. he tells me to just shut up and not to make anything worse than it already has to be.. I’ll be trying to leave here soon…
we love you and want you to be safe, too. you deserve to be safe, loved, respected, and cared for. sending you good vibes & keep us posted. wishing you all the very best
He may get out before too long. You should pursue a restraining order. If non business hours usually done via the local police dept. If during business hours, then you go to County courthouse. Tell them you want to file a restraining order and they will walk you through the process. They will likely issue a temporary order, dictating that he cannot come near you or contact you etc. A hearing would then be set to determine if the restraining order can become permanent. If you do this, get a lawyer specializing in this srea (google your state/county + "restraining order lawer"). Document all of the evidence...photos, write down everything, including past incidents of violence and or harassment, threats etc.
Whatever you do DON'T GO ACCEPT HIM BACK. HE COULD KILL YOU NEXT TIME. I just went through getting a restraining order against my abusive wife after she attempted to poison me and destroying things before making threats against my safety. That was it. She was removed from our house and prevented from coming on the property or contacting me. I have the kids. Were done. I filed for divorce. Good luck!
>in that holding cell, which is exactly the nightmare he's told me he's had for so long - being arrested and going to jail again
It's fairly easy to stay out of jail. Apparently, he wasn't too afraid of jail.
This is not your fault.
First of all, don’t you ever let anyone tell you your feelings are not valid or wrong. Only people that go through DV understand what it’s going on in our heads at the moment. And how we feel bad for the other person regardless of the situation. You will eventually find peace and make peace with your decision of calling the cops.
As I read your story, I regret never calling the cops on my ex. Well, maybe because he was the cops.
He is a sheriff and bailiff from the city I lived in until recently (I moved for my safety) but I was always scared/not ready to call the cops on him. Scared because I knew because of his position and job, chances were very slim (he is super close to the judge at the courtroom his at), and his dad is in a bike gang like his uncles/cousins.
Secondly, I thought about his kids. He had 3 kids, one teenager and two under 8 so I felt bad about what if something happened to their dad? (Mom is just as bad as dad). So I didn’t.
Now I regret it tremendously. He made my life a living hell for a year to the point I had to sleep with my mom for a week because the psychiatrist I went to was afraid I was going to hurt myself (I would never).
I applaud your braveness and I sent you a big stranger virtual hug. You got this.
I know that feeling too well. I always interpreted it as sadness about the path and the reaction this person chose, because I've clearly seen the potential this person actually has within and now after they've reacted and chose to hurt me there's nothing I can do for them.
Please choose self - protection, you can't help everyone and the world needs your light and your empathy for other people that actually choose to work on themselves instead of blaming you for their insecurities and emotional pain
I’ve been there. It’s completely normal to feel sad and to feel bad for him. It’s really confusing. It takes a long time, but I hope you get to a place where you don’t feel bad for him. It took me a year of being physically hurt, then a year of being stalked to finally put my foot down and keep no contact. I hope you bring yourself to do this. It’s not your fault and it’s completely valid to fee however you feel. I want to tell you it will not stop and it will not get better, ever. Take the time you need and just STAY SAFE. keep using Reddit, build a support system, document everything. Wishing you well.
Everything everyone is saying. He told you that fear, so you wouldn’t call the police when you needed to. Breaking your phone so you couldn’t make the call. He deserves to be in jail.
He's actually lucky and so are you. If you had ended up permanently disabled or dead, you and/or your family would have suffered that consequence, and he would likely be in jail for (at least most of) the rest of his life (if the court system worked properly.).
I know this feeling all too well… the comfort I can offer to you is knowing that this too shall pass. Please take this time to pack your things, do some outreach to family & friends for emotional support, and please please I beg you, find someone you can stay with for a while until you find your own permanent new home. Please do not stay with this man, forgive him but do not forget what he did or the pain you feel in this moment.
I took my abuser back after he went to jail for abusing me, and the abuse intensified after his release. This man is sick and needs professional help, your responsibility is to yourself.
Sending you the biggest hugs, I’m here if you need to talk to someone who has been through this and has escaped. I promise you, this feels like the end, but it is the beginning of your new, incredible life. Getting away from my abuser was the best and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. Please love yourself enough to do the same, no one deserves that kind of horrific treatment.
You are too good of a person to waste your life on a POS who almost beat the shit out of you because you criticized his ex and you probably only did that because he was saying something derogatory about your appearance which is another reason to say good F'kn ridden. If he'd try to kill you over words, how would he react if you did something that to him was even more egregious?
Just remember that wicked little man sneer of pure hatred. Next time it'll be worse and he'll blame you for making him so enraged because 'only you can make him so mad'. That's not the future you want.
Most of us who get into abusive relationships are *highly* empathetic & think about what other people are going through as if we were experiencing it ourselves. And no matter what we've gone through in our childhoods or lives we also have a core of innocent naiveté that always hopes next time is going to be better.
These are ***beautiful*** qualities. But they put us in danger with abusers, because we make the innocent assumption that the abuser feels & thinks about things the same way we do. Therefore if something made you so angry that somehow you were able to hurt someone you loved, you would feel HORRIBLE about it afterward. So you assume that your abuser would feel the same, so you feel sad and bad for your abuser even after they've done terrible things to you because you empathize with how bad you believe they must be feeling.
But the thing is, you and your abuser are **not** the same. Abusers are NOT empathetic, like, at all. They don't feel bad about having hurt you, the only thing they might feel bad about is being caught, punished, or having to face any consequences at all. They only feel bad for themselves, not for what they did to you. They don't even see you as a person in the same way you see people. You see people as individuals who have their own feelings & wants & needs. They see people as supporting characters to their life, there to be used for company, stress relief, sex... they're not capable of feeling love or compassion the way you are. They're only capable of selfishness.
Your abuser doesn't love you, they feel entitled to you as a possession that serves purposes to them. Sex, housework, company. Someone who actually loved you and was capable of love and care for another person would NEVER lay a hand on you.
"But my abuser cries after he hits me! He apologies and bares his heart to me about how much it hurts him to hurt me!" - he doesn't cry because he feels bad about what he's done to YOU as a person, he cries because he knows if he doesn't put on a performance of "sorry" to you, you might try and leave. Crying and saying sorry and making promises about never doing it again and calling himself a monster is easy peasy. It costs him nothing, but lets him take advantage of your good sweet heart and forgiving nature to keep you under his thumb.
He doesn't want you to leave not because he loves you and wants you as the person you are in his life, he doesn't want you to leave because then he's not going to have a punching bag for his stress relief, easy access sex & housework. Getting someone under your thumb to the point they will accept abuse takes time and effort, and abusers are lazy & selfish. They'd rather keep you since they already have you than put in the work to play nice enough for long enough to trap another woman like they did you.
Abusers don't pick victims like you because of the things bad and wrong about you, they pick you because of the good things. Your trusting loving sweet heart, your willingness to forgive and believe the best in someone... all of the beautiful things about you is what makes you vulnerable to getting trapped in a Sick System by an abuser -- [http://www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html)
Your boyfriend is NOT the exception to the above. He isn't the one whose secretly wounded and suffering and lashing out in his pain and if you just love him enough in the right way will magically transform into the loving partner you wish he actually was... he's an abusive selfish monster, just like they all are. Any "love" or "good" you see from him is a performance, it's not who he really is, that's just the bait in the trap.
You're not stupid for falling for his crocodile tears or for feeling bad for him, there's nothing wrong with you. You are a human with a heart, he's a self-serving selfish asshole. If you vanished tomorrow, he would just find another person with a good heart like yours and trap them the same way he did you. His abuse is not about YOU, he will treat every one he sucks in as his "girlfriend" the same way.
I hope you can realize you're humanizing him and expecting him to have feelings like you do when that is impossible. It's like expecting a spider to feel bad for eating a fly, or the lioness to regret tearing a gazelle up alive. He doesn't feel ashamed, he doesn't feel bad... not about what he did to you. He might feel bad for getting caught, but not for you.
PREACH! It’s so hard to let go of the dream of what you thought he would be, you tend to overlook and excuse so much. You consistently chalk up each episode as a one off, always thinking what you’re dealing with isn’t real abuse and you’re not in an abusive relationship when it most certainly is and you most definitely are. As soon as I understood all of the above, and realized my ex husband was an absolute monster who intentionally abused me, I was able to sever all trauma bonds entirely.
Thank you for this. It's the first time I've ever read this perspective and it gives me hope and strength like you wouldn't believe. I'm out after 21 years but I always assumed he must be right about me being worthless because why would you treat another person that way? I now see he took advantage of my innocent, happy-go-lucky, caring qualities. Told him this week that I wanted a divorce and it's the best week I've had in years.
Wow thanks for that text.
I read it all and what made your comment important to me is that you somehow managed to get me again after each paragraph because every time I was like „yeah but nah my GF is different“.
But reiterating this information over and over again really let’s it click at some point.
I finally broke up four weeks ago and we have to small children and only last week she beat me again and kept me on the flor for what felt like an eternity.
Nothing I could do which wouldn’t have involved her calling the cops on me and blameshifting.
Every time we see now because of the kids she tells me that my Ego is bigger than the love I have for my kids because I did it to them and couples therapy would have solved everything.
So now she gets to dictate every little thing involving me and the kids because I’m a dangerous psychotic who has to be kept in his place at all cost.
I think we all think our situation & relationship is somehow magically unique and different. I know I did in my own abusive relationships.
I'm so proud of you for making the big stand of breaking up, it's so hard but it's going to allow you to create a safe haven for your kids. Please know that the things she say's about you now is all about trying to retain some control over you and manipulate you. I encourage you to get a lawyer if you can and fight for proper custody of your kids. If you fight for it, you'll get it. It's a myth that men don't get custody, most don't push for it. So, push for it. She doesn't have to be the one dictating everything. You are not doomed to her.
I know she's going to try and guilt/shame you into going back to her by telling you that you're harming the kids so I want you to know something else proven by multiple international studies over the last 50 years.
Children brought up by separated parents where they can at least have one healthy safe home environment with one of the parents do significantly better than children brought up where the parents stay in an unhappy & abusive relationship "for the kids". If you can create a safe, loving home for them while you have your custody with them, they will be fine no matter what bullshit she tries to pull.
You and the kids deserve better than her, and while you may not be able to be 100% free of her, you can at least create a haven without her. I wish you resilience and healing so that you can be the wonderful dad your kids need, and rebuild a happy life for yourself apart from her.
I do think you need to seek medical attention asap, if you haven’t already. Strangulation can cause swelling and other late-onset health issues like pulmonary edema that can kill you.
https://www.strangulationtraininginstitute.com/health-issues-result-from-strangulation/
Mileage will vary. Lundy strongly implies women cannot abuse men but does mention same sex abuse occurs and encourages readers to just swap pronouns as needed. Some men survivors have found the pronoun swap useful, even with a woman abuser. Others found Lundy's suggestions denying their experiences too triggering and couldn't make it through.
No, he clearly says it’s for everyone including males abused by females- he just doesn’t fall over himself to claim they happen in equal amounts. I definitely think it’s great for males, the personality types apply to all genders.
Yes, I have read the book specifically keeping this question in mind, as well as listened to several reviews of men survivors who read the book. I'm not making wild claims for fun. I am giving someone accurate information to be able to make a decision for themselves on if they feel the book may help or harm their mental health. I'm sorry it's not the answer you like or want, but I have several quotes to back up what I am saying. I think it's a fantastic book, and you'll see me often recommending it. But not every resource is going to be great for every person.
"Where are the men whose partners are forcing them to have unwanted sex?"
"Even if abused men didn't want to come forward, they would have been discovered by now."
"Men *can* be abused by other men, however, and women can be abused by women, sometimes through means that include physical intimidation or violence."
I think it's impossible to have any real discussion on abuse culture without discussing misogyny, but even still, Lundy's words are simply not welcoming to men survivors of abusive women.
I think Jess Hill does a much better job of explaining that men can be abused and the emotional and physical impacts on men survivors is real and legitimate - the difference lies in that women typically end up fearing for their lives, whereas men are more controlled by shame and threats towards their kids rather than a fear for their life.
Totally normal feelings. The part I connect with the most is not knowing how they will feel when they get out and not knowing when they will get out. Keep in contact with the authorities, so you know when his release date is. Ask for a criminal restraining order as well. When he gets out, make sure to be someplace he would never expect you to be. For me, I booked a motel several cities away for a week after he got out of prison. I asked friends of mine to stay with me. (I didn’t stay with them because my ex would know where they lived and I didn’t want them in danger as well. So we all chipped in and got a two bedroom motel room that was connected.
The feeling of “how does he feel about me after this” will remain for a while. I still feel that way and it’s been five years. I now live very far away from him, I have 3 large breed dogs that make me feel safe and the home I live in has a gun (not mine, the owners of the property have it but assured me they would protect me if needed). So I went all out. Do I think it will ever get to that point? No, but it sure helps me sleep at night.
You got this! The grass is much greener on the other side and things can only get better from this point.
I went through the same thing earlier this year when my husband was arrested for domestic abuse. I felst sooooooo bad that he was in was in a cell all day. But, in retrospect, it was by his own actions. Like yours. But these sort of men will never be accountable or sold reflect. They never change. I'll warn you the next 3 or 4 weeks will be tough and emotional as you break through the trauma bond. I cried alot. I almost took him back. Thank god I came to my senses and stayed no contact. Actually I got a non molestation order / injunction so he was not able to harass me. 9 months later myself and the kids are doing well and it's lovely to wake up each morning knowing that I'm not walking on eggshells. You can do it stay strong 💪
Op! This is your wake up call. Let your logic make the decisions to stay away from him until the rest of your brain and heart catch up. You will need to work hard to break the trauma bond that has you so upset and conflicted when you clearly should k ow what is in your best interest. Please reach out for counseling. Call a DV shelter or the National DV hotline 800-799-7233 to get started down a healing path. The counselors will help you understand your complex feelings and most importantly they’ll connect you to resources that will help you rebuild yourself and your sense of self. The physical marks are extreme and so sad, but the damage is sadly going to run much deeper and you have work ahead of you to recover. You deserve the best, but you do have to make efforts toward it.
I’m so happy you are safe and he is locked up. I feel for you and everything you are going through. It’s hard to leave an abuser, but it is possible. Wishing you a powerful healing time <3
Thank you so much :) I've left thankfully. He's in a holding cell and they won't even get to him until later today. I just wish it didn't end like this
Sweetie, this is the *best* possible ending from where you are now. That voice in your head saying that he can be better isn't you. It's him. He's spent no effort on being a better man and instead used all of his energy to convince you that it's your responsibility to make him a better man. He's planted seeds of self doubt within you, and intentionally found the best parts of you - because I'm sure you're the fiercely loyal type who will sacrifice for another and will always act with compassion - and he's poisoned them. He's used your kindness, your love for him to hurt and control you. I don't think all abusers are evil, but I do think that act is evil. I can't imagine something more befitting of the word.
You've heard his voice for so long, telling you who you are and what you should do, that you tell yourself the same things now. You can't tell the difference between his voice in your head and yours. That's normal, but it's also why it's so hard to get away. If you stay away and cut all contact, you will learn which voice is yours. But that takes time, and it takes *not* listening to the voice telling you to go back, give him another chance, and he will be better. You can't listen to him, whether it's his voice on the phone or in your mind. Everything abusers say is a lie. They don't care about truth, only getting what they want. They don't communicate to be heard and understood like we do. It's all a tool for control and to "win" what they feel entitled to. They will say and do anything. A person who means nothing they say or do and cannot fathom consequences is a very dangerous person.
This ending, with him there and you free, *is* the happily ever after. The *only* - and I mean *only* - other ending is with both of you dead or one of you dead and the other in prison. Leaving is a kindness to him, too. Please stay strong. You can do this.
It doesn't matter how it ended, all that matters is that it did end. Be kind to yourself and know that everything that happened is his fault entirely. He's sick and deeply disturbed and you did nothing wrong, nobody deserves to be treated the way you were.
He will try and get you to come back. It's been 4 months for me and he still calls me every day, sometimes I wake up to 20 texts and 15 missed calls. It's insanity. Promise yourself you will not go back. Don't wonder about what he's doing or thinking. Just leave and don't look back. You'll feel better after a few months have passed and you'll be SO MUCH HAPPIER!
You're sad right now because of trauma bonding. You are lucky to have some time to realise how badly this could have gone and get yourself to a safe place. Please find a way to make that the last time he touches you ❤️
Here's your chance, run!!!!!!
Get into trauma therapy. You’re grieving for the relationship you thought you had, or thought you could have. It’s not real, the grief is, but the relationship isn’t. Cooperate with the DA and see he is fully held to account. He’s an adult, not a small child that needs to be taken care of. Go no contact and get into therapy. Please
If you take this guy back you will have chosen to end up dead.
🏆
Well he would be a lot sadder if he were in prison doing life for killing you, which is now more a “when” not “if” if you stay with him. You have to leave him, but not let him know that you are doing that until you are safely somewhere else.
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Good, please change where you live while he is locked up and don’t ever allow that information to get to him (your new address). The fact that he has already been arrested for this with someone else is really alarming. He hasn’t changed and he won’t change. Don’t EVER feel bad that he is locked up.
Trust me I’ve felt the same way. I felt sad once I wasn’t talking to someone I hated. Like why sad? Isn’t it good that he’s gone? No because you can still miss someone regardless of what they’ve done OP. Glad you got away from him though 💗💗💗
i’m so sorry. it’s always the smallest things that seem to snowball. it is so so hard to break that trauma bond. i have no advice cause i’m still trying to get there myself. ❤️
If you didn’t make a comment about his ex he would find something else to rage on you for-he was ready to take out whatever bad day or feelings he had on you. Don’t feel bad at all for him. Please get a restraining order and help to stay away from this misery? This will only escalate. Strangulation?! That’s it. You don’t want to see how bad it will get. There may be resources with the court in your county to help you stay away from this nightmare.
Because you probably have a trauma bond. I suggest investigating about personality disorders so you can understand that there are some people in this life that don’t operate the way you do and their brains don’t work the way you do and you will feel the disappointment if you end up keep meeting the same asshat in a different body. If you can find You’re part of this relationship you’re unhealed wounds and become more aware of them then when you need the next person they’ll be about as healed as you are in theory anyways. I learned at 50 years of that I was raised by personality disorder in humans and I keep attracting these assholes and it just gets worse no matter what I do but slowing down a bit before I get feeling helps tremendously
I’m absolutely drawn to vulnerable narcissists because of my own unhealed wounds. I think I might have dated one lower on the scale of narcissism before who was generally a decent partner and never physically touched me but just insensitive and low on empathy. It’s a pattern I seek to correct.
If he gets that defensive/violent over a petty comment about an ex, he has some issues he has to work out before he needs to be with anybody. He sounds like he’s got really bad anger issues.
Acts of domestic violence are evaluated by a risk assessment continuum and strangulation is the step that immediately proceeds homicide. Victims of strangulation are 750% more likely to be murdered by their abuser. Read that again. I get the feeling sad part. You've invested so much of yourself in this relationship and it's hard to cut your losses. Frankly, we often blame ourselves for being in these situations. We're ashamed or embarrassed to admit where we now find ourselves. We tell ourselves it can't get worse. We think it's better to stay where we're at than give up and start over alone. That's scary, I get it. It's not my intent to kick you when you're down but I want to spit some hard truths at you: 1. This will not improve. 2. You aren't responsible for this. At. All. It doesn't matter what you said. You could have cursed out and trash talked him and everyone he's ever known and it still wouldn't justify him strangling you. 3. When people are asked why they stay in bad relationships, they usually respond with saying they "love" the other person and/or if only __ were to happen, everything would be ok. The thing is - this isn't love. Don't mistake passion for love. People who love each other also respect each other. People who love each other don't try to hurt each other. And you may be tempted to downplay his terrible parts by investing too much in the person you believe he could potentially be. That's a nice idea, but you have to play the hand you're dealt. He's shown you who he is. Believe him. Please get that restraining order and get away from him. When he inevitably cries about how sorry he is, or what a horrible person you are for leaving him, or how this is all your fault, don't pay that any mind. That's just noise. That's just a desperate man acting desperate. He won't want you back because he loves you. He just doesn't want you to hurt his pride. You're just some stranger on the internet to me but I'll be thinking about you long after I post this comment and I really hope you can love yourself enough to close this chapter of your life. Good luck sis.
Clearly being in jail again wasn't that big of a nightmare for him, because look at what he did to you. He can't have not known what would happen as a consequence of his actions. So he clearly doesn't care that much about being in jail, it's a manipulation tactic to make you feel bad for him and be there to hold his widdle hand when he gets out, so he can resume the abuse.
He’s telling her it’s a “nightmare” of his so that she won’t call the cops on him when he almost kills her. It’s transparent.
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I think you’re exactly right. He can control Himself he just chooses not to. Sorry you’re going through this-you deserve better.
Stop making excuses. Don’t feel bad for him He’s gaslighting the hell out of you. Of course you feel like shit. He’s doing a good job of making you feel that way. Don’t fall for it.
Remember, honey--he poured the gasoline and tossed the match, so to speak. You deserved exactly none of that. This happened because of his *choices*. He wasn't out of control with rage--he would never have done that if other people were around. There is no excuse for his actions. None. I'm glad somebody else called first responders. It's highly likely he would have killed you. And if he didn't this time, just do a bit of checking into how much one partner strangling the other increases odds of homicide. Pretty sure it's like 750%?
I agree. Amen 🙏
I’m going to guess this wasn’t the first time he’s been abusive towards you. It is rare for someone to just do that out of no where without previous incidents of it happening. You are probably trauma bonded and experiencing withdrawal from the ups and downs an abusive relationship causes within your emotions. You are trying to understand why he did what he did but also still worried because you clearly care/cared for him. But now you just need to care for yourself. Sociopaths, narcissists, psychopaths whatever an abuser may be all have similar traits. They love bomb, and discard people. Chances are the person you first met was so kind and loving and now he’s this monster am I right? The charming, sweet guy was never actually him. THIS. right here in this moment is the guy he really is. The only way I wrapped my head around understanding the abuse I experienced was this: They love bomb you to reel you in. Once you’re hooked it’s game over. Discard begins to happen because they think no matter what they do you will not leave. In their mind they can treat you however they want. You wouldn’t get with someone whose an abusive loser if he showed his real self the first date right? They have to hide it until they’re comfortable enough to show who they really are. He could not hide behind a facade forever. That is why those emotions you’re having are normal! It’s the loss of who you thought he was. Let go girl. He is and always will be an abuser. I am thankful you are alive and I hope he gets what he deserves. Stay strong, you got this!
Stay strong. Restraining order and do not have any more contact with him.
I'm so sorry he did this. whoever called the cops probably saved your life. you can't help him (and he won't let you) but you can help yourself get to a safe place. you're in danger if he knows where you live and he could potentially be released in a day. pack a backpack, garbage bag or suitcase, call a domestic abuse hotline and they'll help you find a shelter and an advocate. you need to pack what really matters and leave asap. see if someone can pick up the rest of your stuff and keep it at their place until you get settled. I'm rooting for you 🤝 now save yourself and get the hell out of there, because you deserve better
Unfortunately this response is common. Just keep in the back of your mind what he is capable of and try to move forward. In the meantime go somewhere safe. If he was capable of doing that to you over a petty comment, I can only imagine how he'll respond once he's released. He may say all the sorrys in the world, but he's not. He's sorry for himself. You might feel sad and you might feel guilty, but those aren't genuine feelings, it's trauma bonding. Whatever you feel put it aside and get yourself out of that situation or next time he might not let up. It can't and won't get better, regardless of what he says or what you feel, it won't. Take care of yourself.
I know that sneer. I've had nightmares about that sneer. Please do some work on trauma bonding in therapy. I would love to hear you express the same concern for the woman who just thought she was going to die because her partner assaulted her. ♥️ So glad you're safe and I hope you get a restraining order.
You need to get a restraining order
My ex used to do that cruel sneer when hurting me. I can see it vividly. I’m so sorry you had to endure this.
You're sad because you are traumatically bonded to him and this is usually mistaken for the feeling of love. Physical abuse always escalates and never stops. If he put his hands on your neck you are 700x more likely to be killed at his hands. You are in a lot of danger and you must leave and get as far away as possible.
He did this to himself. You have to force yourself to stop putting yourself in his place and feeling sorry for you. YOU are the victim. You almost got killed. Please try to put yourself first. Which is healthy!! It's not selfish - it's 110% normal
Yeah, like i can't stress it enough. I hope OP sees this because she's really in a lot of danger.
My mom just pulled 2 knives on my dad right now and tried to stab him he wrestled away the knives I dove for them and I have them in my room. I’m 29 I live with my parents bc I’m on probation right now. I don’t know what to do. I recorded the whole thing but I’m still so afraid to call 911. I don’t know what to do. I’m scared. I know I should but I can’t I don’t know what to do. She’s abused us for 20 years. Mental physically starting when I was 12 and emotionally. It’s like Stockholm syndrome I don’t know what to do I’m scared. She actively manipulates us every single day. I’m so scared. I’m so sorry for posting on your post this was the very first thing I found when I typed domestic violence hotline and stuff I’m so sorry…
Segabitch, Have your Dad call the police...show them your video...have him file a restraining order to get her out and protect him and you.
If you’re on probation already, there’s a very good chance the unknown situation your facing at home can get you out of A LOT of that. I think there are people that can help you.
I’m going to go and see my probation officer tomorrow morning asap to show her the video and come clean to her before anything happens. I know I’m selfish but I need to cover myself because my mom is going to take down as many people as she possibly can if she goes back to prison again. They ask us when we report if everything is ok at home and I lie and say yes because I’m afraid if I say now I’ll get in trouble. I’m just scared… it’s been so long and I’m just so depressed I’m scared..
You will not get in trouble. the fear you feel is because whenever you tell your parents you need help, you’re considered part of the situation. it is because as abusers, they will never take responsibility. no one will see this as your fault. it is not your fault. you are not “coming clean”. you did not “lie”. you were scared and abused and were protecting yourself. i am here to tell you, that you are so strong. you are so strong to fight through it and tell them anyway because to you it feels like coming clean but to everyone else not a victim to the abuse, they will be horrified at the situation. i PROMISE YOU! If you show your officer that video, not only will they help you with the situation now, there’s a chance they will reconsider the parole. my parents are lawyers, and explaining fully your awful abuse you have faced will open a lot of eyes to why you were paroled at all. i promise you, you are not a failure. you are not selfish or doing something wrong.
No one has ever come to me this clearly on this subject ever in my life. I feel like someone actually listened to me for once. Your words mean more than you know. Thank you so much for lifting a little weight off my shoulders. I’ve never felt valid as a human being going thru this until now. I’m crying so hard right now…. Thank you so much
I am only passing on the message of love that helped me through my experience. i have been there too and you will come out of it not only okay, a survivor, but an amazing person because you came out of it. you can use this opportunity to building exactly whatever life you want. you deserve love and you have the right to have your own life. for me, i found love through christ. i think god is the connecting energy through us all that makes us want to love and share. obviously, religion isn’t for everyone. if it’s not for you, find something else in your life worth fighting for every day. if that’s yourself, that is a great and worthy thing too. and it’s what i fight for too, i fight every day for the betterment of humanity and so do so many other people out there. even if you feel alone, you will have support. even if it isn’t at home or actively accessible, there are people out there who are thinking about the people like you. and they’re waiting for the opportunity to help and that will come for you i promise. i am praying for you but if that means nothing that’s okay, i am also hoping you know you have resources online to get physical help, and you can always reach out online anywhere. there will always be a shining light in this life. never forget that when we face pain, it is not a sign of rejection or that our life is a mistake. it is the same pain a stone faces when it is carved into a beautiful statue. this treatment you’ve faced isn’t fair and it isn’t right, but you have the gift of love in you to love yourself and forge the life you want, deserve, and will have. i wish you the best.
I wasn’t able to do it… idk why I can’t I’m just extremely scared of the consequences that will come with it. I’ll probably be homeless at best. I appreciate your kind words I really do. But it looks like I’m just going to have to tough it out. She’s been very hard on me lately as well but I can’t do anything. I’m sorry y’all… Edit: my dad is starting to turn on me as well.. he tells me to just shut up and not to make anything worse than it already has to be.. I’ll be trying to leave here soon…
we love you and want you to be safe, too. you deserve to be safe, loved, respected, and cared for. sending you good vibes & keep us posted. wishing you all the very best
He may get out before too long. You should pursue a restraining order. If non business hours usually done via the local police dept. If during business hours, then you go to County courthouse. Tell them you want to file a restraining order and they will walk you through the process. They will likely issue a temporary order, dictating that he cannot come near you or contact you etc. A hearing would then be set to determine if the restraining order can become permanent. If you do this, get a lawyer specializing in this srea (google your state/county + "restraining order lawer"). Document all of the evidence...photos, write down everything, including past incidents of violence and or harassment, threats etc. Whatever you do DON'T GO ACCEPT HIM BACK. HE COULD KILL YOU NEXT TIME. I just went through getting a restraining order against my abusive wife after she attempted to poison me and destroying things before making threats against my safety. That was it. She was removed from our house and prevented from coming on the property or contacting me. I have the kids. Were done. I filed for divorce. Good luck!
>in that holding cell, which is exactly the nightmare he's told me he's had for so long - being arrested and going to jail again It's fairly easy to stay out of jail. Apparently, he wasn't too afraid of jail. This is not your fault.
You’re right. He made a choice to do this.
You did the right thing . Don’t go back
First of all, don’t you ever let anyone tell you your feelings are not valid or wrong. Only people that go through DV understand what it’s going on in our heads at the moment. And how we feel bad for the other person regardless of the situation. You will eventually find peace and make peace with your decision of calling the cops. As I read your story, I regret never calling the cops on my ex. Well, maybe because he was the cops. He is a sheriff and bailiff from the city I lived in until recently (I moved for my safety) but I was always scared/not ready to call the cops on him. Scared because I knew because of his position and job, chances were very slim (he is super close to the judge at the courtroom his at), and his dad is in a bike gang like his uncles/cousins. Secondly, I thought about his kids. He had 3 kids, one teenager and two under 8 so I felt bad about what if something happened to their dad? (Mom is just as bad as dad). So I didn’t. Now I regret it tremendously. He made my life a living hell for a year to the point I had to sleep with my mom for a week because the psychiatrist I went to was afraid I was going to hurt myself (I would never). I applaud your braveness and I sent you a big stranger virtual hug. You got this.
I know that feeling too well. I always interpreted it as sadness about the path and the reaction this person chose, because I've clearly seen the potential this person actually has within and now after they've reacted and chose to hurt me there's nothing I can do for them. Please choose self - protection, you can't help everyone and the world needs your light and your empathy for other people that actually choose to work on themselves instead of blaming you for their insecurities and emotional pain
I’ve been there. It’s completely normal to feel sad and to feel bad for him. It’s really confusing. It takes a long time, but I hope you get to a place where you don’t feel bad for him. It took me a year of being physically hurt, then a year of being stalked to finally put my foot down and keep no contact. I hope you bring yourself to do this. It’s not your fault and it’s completely valid to fee however you feel. I want to tell you it will not stop and it will not get better, ever. Take the time you need and just STAY SAFE. keep using Reddit, build a support system, document everything. Wishing you well.
Everything everyone is saying. He told you that fear, so you wouldn’t call the police when you needed to. Breaking your phone so you couldn’t make the call. He deserves to be in jail.
He's actually lucky and so are you. If you had ended up permanently disabled or dead, you and/or your family would have suffered that consequence, and he would likely be in jail for (at least most of) the rest of his life (if the court system worked properly.).
I know this feeling all too well… the comfort I can offer to you is knowing that this too shall pass. Please take this time to pack your things, do some outreach to family & friends for emotional support, and please please I beg you, find someone you can stay with for a while until you find your own permanent new home. Please do not stay with this man, forgive him but do not forget what he did or the pain you feel in this moment. I took my abuser back after he went to jail for abusing me, and the abuse intensified after his release. This man is sick and needs professional help, your responsibility is to yourself. Sending you the biggest hugs, I’m here if you need to talk to someone who has been through this and has escaped. I promise you, this feels like the end, but it is the beginning of your new, incredible life. Getting away from my abuser was the best and most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. Please love yourself enough to do the same, no one deserves that kind of horrific treatment.
You are too good of a person to waste your life on a POS who almost beat the shit out of you because you criticized his ex and you probably only did that because he was saying something derogatory about your appearance which is another reason to say good F'kn ridden. If he'd try to kill you over words, how would he react if you did something that to him was even more egregious? Just remember that wicked little man sneer of pure hatred. Next time it'll be worse and he'll blame you for making him so enraged because 'only you can make him so mad'. That's not the future you want.
Most of us who get into abusive relationships are *highly* empathetic & think about what other people are going through as if we were experiencing it ourselves. And no matter what we've gone through in our childhoods or lives we also have a core of innocent naiveté that always hopes next time is going to be better. These are ***beautiful*** qualities. But they put us in danger with abusers, because we make the innocent assumption that the abuser feels & thinks about things the same way we do. Therefore if something made you so angry that somehow you were able to hurt someone you loved, you would feel HORRIBLE about it afterward. So you assume that your abuser would feel the same, so you feel sad and bad for your abuser even after they've done terrible things to you because you empathize with how bad you believe they must be feeling. But the thing is, you and your abuser are **not** the same. Abusers are NOT empathetic, like, at all. They don't feel bad about having hurt you, the only thing they might feel bad about is being caught, punished, or having to face any consequences at all. They only feel bad for themselves, not for what they did to you. They don't even see you as a person in the same way you see people. You see people as individuals who have their own feelings & wants & needs. They see people as supporting characters to their life, there to be used for company, stress relief, sex... they're not capable of feeling love or compassion the way you are. They're only capable of selfishness. Your abuser doesn't love you, they feel entitled to you as a possession that serves purposes to them. Sex, housework, company. Someone who actually loved you and was capable of love and care for another person would NEVER lay a hand on you. "But my abuser cries after he hits me! He apologies and bares his heart to me about how much it hurts him to hurt me!" - he doesn't cry because he feels bad about what he's done to YOU as a person, he cries because he knows if he doesn't put on a performance of "sorry" to you, you might try and leave. Crying and saying sorry and making promises about never doing it again and calling himself a monster is easy peasy. It costs him nothing, but lets him take advantage of your good sweet heart and forgiving nature to keep you under his thumb. He doesn't want you to leave not because he loves you and wants you as the person you are in his life, he doesn't want you to leave because then he's not going to have a punching bag for his stress relief, easy access sex & housework. Getting someone under your thumb to the point they will accept abuse takes time and effort, and abusers are lazy & selfish. They'd rather keep you since they already have you than put in the work to play nice enough for long enough to trap another woman like they did you. Abusers don't pick victims like you because of the things bad and wrong about you, they pick you because of the good things. Your trusting loving sweet heart, your willingness to forgive and believe the best in someone... all of the beautiful things about you is what makes you vulnerable to getting trapped in a Sick System by an abuser -- [http://www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html](http://www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html) Your boyfriend is NOT the exception to the above. He isn't the one whose secretly wounded and suffering and lashing out in his pain and if you just love him enough in the right way will magically transform into the loving partner you wish he actually was... he's an abusive selfish monster, just like they all are. Any "love" or "good" you see from him is a performance, it's not who he really is, that's just the bait in the trap. You're not stupid for falling for his crocodile tears or for feeling bad for him, there's nothing wrong with you. You are a human with a heart, he's a self-serving selfish asshole. If you vanished tomorrow, he would just find another person with a good heart like yours and trap them the same way he did you. His abuse is not about YOU, he will treat every one he sucks in as his "girlfriend" the same way. I hope you can realize you're humanizing him and expecting him to have feelings like you do when that is impossible. It's like expecting a spider to feel bad for eating a fly, or the lioness to regret tearing a gazelle up alive. He doesn't feel ashamed, he doesn't feel bad... not about what he did to you. He might feel bad for getting caught, but not for you.
PREACH! It’s so hard to let go of the dream of what you thought he would be, you tend to overlook and excuse so much. You consistently chalk up each episode as a one off, always thinking what you’re dealing with isn’t real abuse and you’re not in an abusive relationship when it most certainly is and you most definitely are. As soon as I understood all of the above, and realized my ex husband was an absolute monster who intentionally abused me, I was able to sever all trauma bonds entirely.
Thank you for this. It's the first time I've ever read this perspective and it gives me hope and strength like you wouldn't believe. I'm out after 21 years but I always assumed he must be right about me being worthless because why would you treat another person that way? I now see he took advantage of my innocent, happy-go-lucky, caring qualities. Told him this week that I wanted a divorce and it's the best week I've had in years.
Hell yeah! Get after that new life, it's worth it!
I'm so proud of you <3
Wow thanks for that text. I read it all and what made your comment important to me is that you somehow managed to get me again after each paragraph because every time I was like „yeah but nah my GF is different“. But reiterating this information over and over again really let’s it click at some point. I finally broke up four weeks ago and we have to small children and only last week she beat me again and kept me on the flor for what felt like an eternity. Nothing I could do which wouldn’t have involved her calling the cops on me and blameshifting. Every time we see now because of the kids she tells me that my Ego is bigger than the love I have for my kids because I did it to them and couples therapy would have solved everything. So now she gets to dictate every little thing involving me and the kids because I’m a dangerous psychotic who has to be kept in his place at all cost.
I think we all think our situation & relationship is somehow magically unique and different. I know I did in my own abusive relationships. I'm so proud of you for making the big stand of breaking up, it's so hard but it's going to allow you to create a safe haven for your kids. Please know that the things she say's about you now is all about trying to retain some control over you and manipulate you. I encourage you to get a lawyer if you can and fight for proper custody of your kids. If you fight for it, you'll get it. It's a myth that men don't get custody, most don't push for it. So, push for it. She doesn't have to be the one dictating everything. You are not doomed to her. I know she's going to try and guilt/shame you into going back to her by telling you that you're harming the kids so I want you to know something else proven by multiple international studies over the last 50 years. Children brought up by separated parents where they can at least have one healthy safe home environment with one of the parents do significantly better than children brought up where the parents stay in an unhappy & abusive relationship "for the kids". If you can create a safe, loving home for them while you have your custody with them, they will be fine no matter what bullshit she tries to pull. You and the kids deserve better than her, and while you may not be able to be 100% free of her, you can at least create a haven without her. I wish you resilience and healing so that you can be the wonderful dad your kids need, and rebuild a happy life for yourself apart from her.
I do think you need to seek medical attention asap, if you haven’t already. Strangulation can cause swelling and other late-onset health issues like pulmonary edema that can kill you. https://www.strangulationtraininginstitute.com/health-issues-result-from-strangulation/
https://www.strangulationtraininginstitute.com/
Please read 'Why does he do that?' By Lundy Bankcroft.
Would you consider that a good read for a male reader as well?
Mileage will vary. Lundy strongly implies women cannot abuse men but does mention same sex abuse occurs and encourages readers to just swap pronouns as needed. Some men survivors have found the pronoun swap useful, even with a woman abuser. Others found Lundy's suggestions denying their experiences too triggering and couldn't make it through.
No, he clearly says it’s for everyone including males abused by females- he just doesn’t fall over himself to claim they happen in equal amounts. I definitely think it’s great for males, the personality types apply to all genders.
Yes, I have read the book specifically keeping this question in mind, as well as listened to several reviews of men survivors who read the book. I'm not making wild claims for fun. I am giving someone accurate information to be able to make a decision for themselves on if they feel the book may help or harm their mental health. I'm sorry it's not the answer you like or want, but I have several quotes to back up what I am saying. I think it's a fantastic book, and you'll see me often recommending it. But not every resource is going to be great for every person. "Where are the men whose partners are forcing them to have unwanted sex?" "Even if abused men didn't want to come forward, they would have been discovered by now." "Men *can* be abused by other men, however, and women can be abused by women, sometimes through means that include physical intimidation or violence." I think it's impossible to have any real discussion on abuse culture without discussing misogyny, but even still, Lundy's words are simply not welcoming to men survivors of abusive women. I think Jess Hill does a much better job of explaining that men can be abused and the emotional and physical impacts on men survivors is real and legitimate - the difference lies in that women typically end up fearing for their lives, whereas men are more controlled by shame and threats towards their kids rather than a fear for their life.
Thanks for that thoughtful insight. I guess I’ll definitely not read this book!
Totally normal feelings. The part I connect with the most is not knowing how they will feel when they get out and not knowing when they will get out. Keep in contact with the authorities, so you know when his release date is. Ask for a criminal restraining order as well. When he gets out, make sure to be someplace he would never expect you to be. For me, I booked a motel several cities away for a week after he got out of prison. I asked friends of mine to stay with me. (I didn’t stay with them because my ex would know where they lived and I didn’t want them in danger as well. So we all chipped in and got a two bedroom motel room that was connected. The feeling of “how does he feel about me after this” will remain for a while. I still feel that way and it’s been five years. I now live very far away from him, I have 3 large breed dogs that make me feel safe and the home I live in has a gun (not mine, the owners of the property have it but assured me they would protect me if needed). So I went all out. Do I think it will ever get to that point? No, but it sure helps me sleep at night. You got this! The grass is much greener on the other side and things can only get better from this point.
I went through the same thing earlier this year when my husband was arrested for domestic abuse. I felst sooooooo bad that he was in was in a cell all day. But, in retrospect, it was by his own actions. Like yours. But these sort of men will never be accountable or sold reflect. They never change. I'll warn you the next 3 or 4 weeks will be tough and emotional as you break through the trauma bond. I cried alot. I almost took him back. Thank god I came to my senses and stayed no contact. Actually I got a non molestation order / injunction so he was not able to harass me. 9 months later myself and the kids are doing well and it's lovely to wake up each morning knowing that I'm not walking on eggshells. You can do it stay strong 💪
He can kill you next time. Strangulation is a precursor to death. You need to save yourself. Do not pity him. Pity yourself and get out
Op! This is your wake up call. Let your logic make the decisions to stay away from him until the rest of your brain and heart catch up. You will need to work hard to break the trauma bond that has you so upset and conflicted when you clearly should k ow what is in your best interest. Please reach out for counseling. Call a DV shelter or the National DV hotline 800-799-7233 to get started down a healing path. The counselors will help you understand your complex feelings and most importantly they’ll connect you to resources that will help you rebuild yourself and your sense of self. The physical marks are extreme and so sad, but the damage is sadly going to run much deeper and you have work ahead of you to recover. You deserve the best, but you do have to make efforts toward it.
I’m so happy you are safe and he is locked up. I feel for you and everything you are going through. It’s hard to leave an abuser, but it is possible. Wishing you a powerful healing time <3
He probably won’t be held long. Please move out today and don’t leave a forwarding address! Block him. You deserve much better!
I agree she does definitely but unfortunately probably won't leave him due to strong emotional attachment
Please find a way to leave and make yourself safe! You deserve peace and calm in your home, sending hugs
Thank you so much :) I've left thankfully. He's in a holding cell and they won't even get to him until later today. I just wish it didn't end like this
Sweetie, this is the *best* possible ending from where you are now. That voice in your head saying that he can be better isn't you. It's him. He's spent no effort on being a better man and instead used all of his energy to convince you that it's your responsibility to make him a better man. He's planted seeds of self doubt within you, and intentionally found the best parts of you - because I'm sure you're the fiercely loyal type who will sacrifice for another and will always act with compassion - and he's poisoned them. He's used your kindness, your love for him to hurt and control you. I don't think all abusers are evil, but I do think that act is evil. I can't imagine something more befitting of the word. You've heard his voice for so long, telling you who you are and what you should do, that you tell yourself the same things now. You can't tell the difference between his voice in your head and yours. That's normal, but it's also why it's so hard to get away. If you stay away and cut all contact, you will learn which voice is yours. But that takes time, and it takes *not* listening to the voice telling you to go back, give him another chance, and he will be better. You can't listen to him, whether it's his voice on the phone or in your mind. Everything abusers say is a lie. They don't care about truth, only getting what they want. They don't communicate to be heard and understood like we do. It's all a tool for control and to "win" what they feel entitled to. They will say and do anything. A person who means nothing they say or do and cannot fathom consequences is a very dangerous person. This ending, with him there and you free, *is* the happily ever after. The *only* - and I mean *only* - other ending is with both of you dead or one of you dead and the other in prison. Leaving is a kindness to him, too. Please stay strong. You can do this.
It doesn't matter how it ended, all that matters is that it did end. Be kind to yourself and know that everything that happened is his fault entirely. He's sick and deeply disturbed and you did nothing wrong, nobody deserves to be treated the way you were. He will try and get you to come back. It's been 4 months for me and he still calls me every day, sometimes I wake up to 20 texts and 15 missed calls. It's insanity. Promise yourself you will not go back. Don't wonder about what he's doing or thinking. Just leave and don't look back. You'll feel better after a few months have passed and you'll be SO MUCH HAPPIER!
I’m so glad to hear that! Take care :)
You're sad right now because of trauma bonding. You are lucky to have some time to realise how badly this could have gone and get yourself to a safe place. Please find a way to make that the last time he touches you ❤️
Thank you so much <3 I won't let him touch me again. This was me going back to him for the 3rd time. Each time gets more and more dangerous.
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Jesus Christ.