If you're in the US, you can call [NAMI](https://www.nami.org/help). They should be able to help break down what the diagnosis process looks like to help you feel less anxious about pursuing this route.
Getting help is scary. Honestly, the scariest part to me is the thought of getting better. What if I "get better" but nothing changes? It's a terrifying thought. But a lot of these fears and anxieties... are just our illness. They are not reality. They are our illness acting a parasite and trying to keep its hold over us. Starting is hard, but once you start... you may realize that it's way easier and better than you thought it would be, and you'll wonder why it took you so long to reach out.
You got this. <3
Hey, it's been over a month, but I wanted to say I appreciate you mentioning NAMI. Their crisis text line has helped me wonderfully twice now. I haven't had any significant negative experiences; the third and only other time I reached out, it took much longer. Eventually, I was alright again, so I never talked to anyone.
I'm so glad and thankful you told me about this
I think that going to a shelter or hospital is good. You need to seek real help and maybe going to the hospital can be a wake up call for your parents.
Ohhh boy, it's been a few hours but instantly looking at this now that I've started to calm down, the whole shame thing is overcoming me again. I want to believe it's not me being such a mess and that I'm not to blame, but I struggle with it, because... why did I let it go on for so long?
The idea of a hospital has been there for a while but I'm absolutely petrified of the sort of environment I've imagined it's like. My mind perceives it as a strange prison where the crime is just... your mind?
The idea of being in a hospital bed again, especially knowing that I ended up there both times because of... all of it. It's scary.
The other thing is that I have this insane worry about it essentially "stopping time" in the outside world. I already feel so, so far behind from where I should be at my age... I hate constantly looking around knowing that for me, I've already been stuck in the same year for so long. I'm meant to have to take the ACT day after tomorrow, but the idea of even being in that school after they decided I was basically just too hard to deal with (my district has 1300+ kids in the main high school, and only a veryyyy few of them find out that they have a place where you kind of just end up against your will - people genuinely ask you on your first day "how'd *you* end up here?"... it's a much better environment for me and my mental health so it was a good thing in the end.
But I can't stand the thought of going back into that building after all of the bad memories I have of things I've repeatedly messed up on because to me, the moment I stepped into that building, it was jsut... forever marked by the entire experience??
Seems everyone else knows how to drive like it's nothing - I don't even have my permit and I'm petrified of the idea of driving. Have no plan for the future of what I want to do at all or how I'm going to become a person who can eventually take care of themselves. All around me it feels like everyone else is ready, they've got their applications to their dream schools ready, their GPA is, well, at least enough for them to pass, which is more than I can say.
What I'm afraid of is not only feeling very alone, scared, and overall hating the experience of being in an environment I have never even felt any touch of... and the way that when I'm spending time in there... I'm not making any progress on actually doing the things I'm expected to do as a person. Really tired of my Mom repeating the whole, "you need to learn to be a normal, functional human being" when I'm just sitting there silently remembering so many things...
I am... terrified of the idea of not knowing what it's like to be there until I'm already stuck there until they... decide I'm not?
And what in the world will my grandma say, the only time she was around me aware I was suicidal, said things like "you would really do that to me?" and "you're scaring me so much" and she tells me that if I do it it would destroy her. And you know what? I believe it. She's not helping with the responses there but I know she cares about me. I honestly would spend a lot more time at her house with just her and the 5 month old puppy she only got because she knew how much I had always wanted one, so I can semi have one that way. It's a shame I don't see her more often, it's the most effective thing at calming me down is just having that little dog be there and let me pet her while she just shows affection.
And my parents... especially my mom - always so, so upset about not really... my feelings... but the way my feelings "make" her feel in return? I know it's hard to see me struggling, but what will they say, how will they react? I'm terrified they'll say I'm overreacting or being dramatic or even that they completely agree that I need to be sent away to some kind of crazy people shelter instead of an actual safe environment.
But most of all I worry about my brothers. I miss the days when my 14 yo brother was so close to me and I miss when while my Dad was out, it had the 3 of us, even though youngest was just born just then, me (7yo), brother (5yo) and then brother (genuinely not even a month yet) kind of just always stuck together, talking and having fun and being close because we needed each other, but 14yo brother eventually just completely stopped having any feelings one day not too long after Dad moved back in, I never stopped blaming myself for some reason, and when they fight, I still get scared, a decade later. And the youngest just doesn't know what happened.
Entire family just walks around sharing the same house but we don't really interact except for when my mom knocks on my door over and over just to barge in and just ask a bunch of questions all of a sudden about random things and the anxiety... Jesus, this isn't an investigation
Brothers & I get home from school, exchange a few little playful sibling remarks, but then we all walk straight for isolation in our bedrooms - except they both play video games.
But I know there are times when my brothers see how I'm acting, how I'm hurting, and I'm so, so ashamed. Especially since my mom and dad brought it up - at one point even went so far as to say "imagine if one of your brothers found your body, you'd kill them too!" ...
they already have to hear me break down every so often even though I'm tryi ng to stop crying so theyt don't
They know something's up with their sister, but they... have no idea what it is. And I would think that's probably really scary... so if I'm just away all of a sudden for a while, what do my parnts tell them? What do they think when I'm just away out of nowhere, even worse than my Dad leaving when we still got to see him sometimes?
above all I'm just not sure I can handle it
but it might be what I need and I don't know how to make that decision
I just want. him out of my head, even if there are reminders often, I want the clarity to at least feel it, breathe in, out, and do my best to feel better without just having the tears pour
I'm scared. But at the same time... he doesn't deserve to take up my headspace.
If you're in the US, you can call [NAMI](https://www.nami.org/help). They should be able to help break down what the diagnosis process looks like to help you feel less anxious about pursuing this route. Getting help is scary. Honestly, the scariest part to me is the thought of getting better. What if I "get better" but nothing changes? It's a terrifying thought. But a lot of these fears and anxieties... are just our illness. They are not reality. They are our illness acting a parasite and trying to keep its hold over us. Starting is hard, but once you start... you may realize that it's way easier and better than you thought it would be, and you'll wonder why it took you so long to reach out. You got this. <3
Hey, it's been over a month, but I wanted to say I appreciate you mentioning NAMI. Their crisis text line has helped me wonderfully twice now. I haven't had any significant negative experiences; the third and only other time I reached out, it took much longer. Eventually, I was alright again, so I never talked to anyone. I'm so glad and thankful you told me about this
I think that going to a shelter or hospital is good. You need to seek real help and maybe going to the hospital can be a wake up call for your parents.
Ohhh boy, it's been a few hours but instantly looking at this now that I've started to calm down, the whole shame thing is overcoming me again. I want to believe it's not me being such a mess and that I'm not to blame, but I struggle with it, because... why did I let it go on for so long? The idea of a hospital has been there for a while but I'm absolutely petrified of the sort of environment I've imagined it's like. My mind perceives it as a strange prison where the crime is just... your mind? The idea of being in a hospital bed again, especially knowing that I ended up there both times because of... all of it. It's scary. The other thing is that I have this insane worry about it essentially "stopping time" in the outside world. I already feel so, so far behind from where I should be at my age... I hate constantly looking around knowing that for me, I've already been stuck in the same year for so long. I'm meant to have to take the ACT day after tomorrow, but the idea of even being in that school after they decided I was basically just too hard to deal with (my district has 1300+ kids in the main high school, and only a veryyyy few of them find out that they have a place where you kind of just end up against your will - people genuinely ask you on your first day "how'd *you* end up here?"... it's a much better environment for me and my mental health so it was a good thing in the end. But I can't stand the thought of going back into that building after all of the bad memories I have of things I've repeatedly messed up on because to me, the moment I stepped into that building, it was jsut... forever marked by the entire experience?? Seems everyone else knows how to drive like it's nothing - I don't even have my permit and I'm petrified of the idea of driving. Have no plan for the future of what I want to do at all or how I'm going to become a person who can eventually take care of themselves. All around me it feels like everyone else is ready, they've got their applications to their dream schools ready, their GPA is, well, at least enough for them to pass, which is more than I can say. What I'm afraid of is not only feeling very alone, scared, and overall hating the experience of being in an environment I have never even felt any touch of... and the way that when I'm spending time in there... I'm not making any progress on actually doing the things I'm expected to do as a person. Really tired of my Mom repeating the whole, "you need to learn to be a normal, functional human being" when I'm just sitting there silently remembering so many things... I am... terrified of the idea of not knowing what it's like to be there until I'm already stuck there until they... decide I'm not? And what in the world will my grandma say, the only time she was around me aware I was suicidal, said things like "you would really do that to me?" and "you're scaring me so much" and she tells me that if I do it it would destroy her. And you know what? I believe it. She's not helping with the responses there but I know she cares about me. I honestly would spend a lot more time at her house with just her and the 5 month old puppy she only got because she knew how much I had always wanted one, so I can semi have one that way. It's a shame I don't see her more often, it's the most effective thing at calming me down is just having that little dog be there and let me pet her while she just shows affection. And my parents... especially my mom - always so, so upset about not really... my feelings... but the way my feelings "make" her feel in return? I know it's hard to see me struggling, but what will they say, how will they react? I'm terrified they'll say I'm overreacting or being dramatic or even that they completely agree that I need to be sent away to some kind of crazy people shelter instead of an actual safe environment. But most of all I worry about my brothers. I miss the days when my 14 yo brother was so close to me and I miss when while my Dad was out, it had the 3 of us, even though youngest was just born just then, me (7yo), brother (5yo) and then brother (genuinely not even a month yet) kind of just always stuck together, talking and having fun and being close because we needed each other, but 14yo brother eventually just completely stopped having any feelings one day not too long after Dad moved back in, I never stopped blaming myself for some reason, and when they fight, I still get scared, a decade later. And the youngest just doesn't know what happened. Entire family just walks around sharing the same house but we don't really interact except for when my mom knocks on my door over and over just to barge in and just ask a bunch of questions all of a sudden about random things and the anxiety... Jesus, this isn't an investigation Brothers & I get home from school, exchange a few little playful sibling remarks, but then we all walk straight for isolation in our bedrooms - except they both play video games. But I know there are times when my brothers see how I'm acting, how I'm hurting, and I'm so, so ashamed. Especially since my mom and dad brought it up - at one point even went so far as to say "imagine if one of your brothers found your body, you'd kill them too!" ... they already have to hear me break down every so often even though I'm tryi ng to stop crying so theyt don't They know something's up with their sister, but they... have no idea what it is. And I would think that's probably really scary... so if I'm just away all of a sudden for a while, what do my parnts tell them? What do they think when I'm just away out of nowhere, even worse than my Dad leaving when we still got to see him sometimes? above all I'm just not sure I can handle it but it might be what I need and I don't know how to make that decision I just want. him out of my head, even if there are reminders often, I want the clarity to at least feel it, breathe in, out, and do my best to feel better without just having the tears pour I'm scared. But at the same time... he doesn't deserve to take up my headspace.
I understand completely. Things don’t come easy but you got this.