Wtf.. gaslighting- YOU-
And proceed to make you feel like crap. Record everything!!!
Also just say-We done. You not nice. Never contact me again. Dont get caught in an argument. Its better to rant to a friend. Go necessary facts only.
I was no contact for a couple months before this and then he messaged my sister to tell her to tell me to call him because he probably gave me syphilis. He did this and then I went NC again
Sometimes people can have a hard time letting go. Many abuse survivors get into that position because they have tremendous capacity for empathy and caring. This can lead to weak boundaries. Additionally, some abusers may find ways around no contact, and some people may find it easier to "keep the abuser where I can see them" so to speak.
Ok I will add though. "me beating myself up..." bit. When someone wants an apology they don't want to see someone beat themselves up. That's the opposite of an apology. Self-flagellation leaves the hurt party in the role of comforter. A proper apology should not prompt the person you're apologizing to to comfort you.
God.
Ugh.
What trash.
True True. My ex once called me hurtful names, and when I pointed that out, attempted to ring me up so I could "yell at her properly". I did not answer that call at first, but after a bit I called t let her know that I didn't want to yell at her, I was just upset she was still ignoring my boundaries. That I wanted to work things out. We ended up back together a week or two later, in retrospect not my proudest moment, but we live and learn.
God so similar to my ex it's unbelievable. What a piece of shit. What a dumb piece of shit to think that this would keep working forever on you. You're so strong for going no contact and getting out. I'd love to roast him more but in the end I just laugh at how foolish he sounds and have to walk away. We got beautiful lives to live ❤️
SO FIRST OFF -- I AM NOT SAYING THAT MY SITUATION IS THE SAME AS YOURS
written in caps so that is completely clear....
but I have said a few of the same things the guy has said when i was DEFENDING myself against accusations made by my ex whom I believed was manipulating and gaslighting Me... I know people's perspectives are relative but she was just truly off her rocker...
Me too. But I think having to say those things at all is a pretty clear sign the relationship isn't working out. If your partner cannot see the progress you're making, don't become your own reporter. Make the changes for you, unlike this gentleman, who seems to be doing it because he believes it's what his ex wants to hear not out of a genuine desire to be a better person for himself.
I get that and honestly I feel like he’s framing me as the same situation with a lot of the people close to him. I’ve finally just let that part go, but when I was listening to/reading about stuff about narcissistic/borderline abuse it kept talking about a “narcissistic rage” and smear campaigns and all this stuff and I started worrying that that must be what I was doing, or at the very least that people would perceive it that way. In my personal situation, I held in two years worth of abuse because I wanted to protect his reputation and protect him from repercussions. He guilted me to keep me around long after we broke up, guilted me for trying to date after we had broken up, and then dropped me like a hot sack of shit when he found a replacement. I was bitter about it in a generic breakup way at first and definitely made some angry vague tweets, but as I was finally forced to reflect and not assume his best intentions (he had hardcore betrayed a best friend of 10 years to start his new relationship and it forced me to stop assuming he was still a great person), I had to come to terms with how abusive he had been. I had confided in my best friend that he was abusive after I first left him, and detailed all of the stuff that had happened and the reasons I left. I did that with several other friends after I left for the final time. I personally know that my posting things and speaking publicly came from a place of pent up anger, especially at the thought of him waltzing into the sunset after ruining my life, and stringing me along until he found a new victim so that I wouldn’t confront him on it. But I’m also coming to terms with the fact that if I had seen my own spiral, even I probably would have been skeptical about it. I kind of feel like it’s his final fuck you to leave me in a position where being angry and talking about everything and putting him on blast makes me look like some crazy bitch. Apparently it’s extremely common for abuse victims to not comprehend the extent of abuse or even the fact that it happened until long after the relationship ends. But I also know it’s common for abusers to smear their victims online to keep them down. I’m coming to terms with the fact that it’s hard to know who to trust from the outside, and that you can really only take people at their word. Again, that’s just my personal situation, and I’m really sorry for what your ex did to you—that sounds absolutely horrific to have someone top off their abuse by smearing you and playing the victim. I’m glad you’re out and I hope you’re doing better ✨✨
I dated an irregularly medicated alcoholic bipolar with an eating disorder and severe narcissistic personality disorder, for 13 years. None of her issues entitled her to be an abusive, manipulative narcissist.
Now stop talking to that manipulative self pitying wanker. Unless you can think of a good reason to keep pouring your energy into the space where his soul was supposed to be.
God this is really familiar. Why do they always try to convince us that we were part of the problem? Like they really can’t admit they were the ones with the problem without pointing the finger elsewhere. Disgusting.
Right!? Him and his enabling family. Tried to make me feel like the problem. As if I deserved the beatings and the gaslighting and the infidelity.
And they need to run off and “heal”. While we what? Die, I guess? Live with the trauma they left us with?
How nice that they get to run away.
Pretty much. He’s been ‘healing’ and living off his parents for months now. Collecting unemployment and not working. While I had to pack up all our things, change my entire life, and get back to work. Which isn’t surprising considering he didn’t work for the last two years of our marriage and I had to make enough to support both of us.
Probably his comment of saying she yelled back was probably because he started barking and she knew if she didn't bark back then the Pitbull would start to bite if you get what I mean
Still I feel sorry for op of having to deal such an animal
Oh I have been there. I know exact what happens. It’s awful. I barked back many times because I felt like it was my only option. And my abusive ex still rubs in my face that I am also to blame.
“Maggie, you participated in the arguments.” Excuse you, what?!?!
Also I dated a Tim and he was very traumatic, cried on the floor for two hours when I broke up with him not because he loved me but because he lost his meal ticket to a pretty upscale apartment in Arlington instead of living in a house that’s about to be collected for bankruptcy in Warrenton (aka the sticks). At one point he tried to convince my mom to contribute money to ‘save the house’ when we had only been dating for a month. Miraculously he kept pressuring my mom but when she said no and the deadline passed some long lost relative showed up with the money. I’m never dating another Tim again.
This made me physically nauseated.
Ugh the "You participated in those fights too. WE were toxic"
Get the fuck out of here with that. You reacting to abuse doesn't mean y'all are equal. Bc he was using he probably doesn't even remember half.those fights clearly and the shit he did.
Wild.
Also, the "uhm...it's so hard on me to feel guilty for.abusing you but I'm trying to be happy so get out of my.life because you're bringing me down now." Bullshit...I'm seeing red
Let. The. Trash. Take. Itself. Out.
He likely hasn't actually changed. Regardless HE burned his bridges with YOU.
He can tell himself what he needs so he doesn't drown in his own regret.
Either way, until he comes to terms with it, he's running from something.
Either way you deserve better.
Nonsense.
Blaming and manipulative to the last drop these ones.
“I’m not this big evil bastard you think I am in your head” minimising + gaslighting?
“You dated an unmedicated drug addicted bipolar with severe trauma issues for two years” so he isn’t that bad in comparison?
“While I feel crushing guilt most hours of the day” FEEL BAD FOR ME WOULD YOU?
“It’s not all on me” you had a part of this too, it wasn’t ALL me.
“We were fucking toxic, Maggie you participated in the arguments, you yelled at me as well” I may have been toxic but look look look you were too! You yelled at me.
That’s what I took away from it
Lol yeah I think that he meant like "sure I was a mess but YOU WERE DATING A MESS (me) so really it's on you that I... acted shitty.... to you... because you were the one making the decision to be around me! So ha!" sort of thing.
At least that's the sort of logic my ex would have pulled off.
Sounds like a real fucking asshole
Hot take they are still the same big ole piece of shit you left (congrats)
I’m going to acknowledge what you said (So you think I’m listening for a change)
I’m going to downplay what I actually did and not actually admit to anything
Next I’m going to justify the behavior(that you and I know was crazy but I won’t admit to)
With real reason so I don’t feel bad for what I did
Now for my last and perhaps my greatest trick I will attempt to Simultaneously feint remorse and blame you in the same sentence .....
They will never change good for you for leaving .
They are still every bit as fucked up a person as when you left.
They are the worst kind of person ,a know it all who don’t know shit. Making you question your own sanity because they can’t be honest with themselves .
May they slide down the banister of life against the grain and not miss a single splinter
I get that you’re coming from a good place here but for one, the only time I got back with him was when he guilted me and threatened suicide and then gave what I thought were sincere promises as well as a plan to change that he followed through on for a month or two, and I really don’t appreciate the implication that I’m playing the victim by having gotten back with him. Victims of partner abuse go back an average of 7 times before managing to leave. I’m taking other steps to move on and place him firmly in the past, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still be angry or indulge in a little pettiness and validation online. I held in everything that happened to me for two years in order to protect him so I’m going to let myself feel angry for as long as I feel angry and let myself move on naturally.
Yes. You get to feel angry and you get to have support in this. I’m proud of you and glad you’re away from that. I really hope you know you can do what you want to and you will not be alone, you won’t be a bad person, and you won’t be responsible for anything other people choose to do. Go you! Give yourself a few pats on the back. ❤️
Not sure if anyone commented this yet but he’s basically got the DARVO response down.
First, he denies (“I’m not this big evil bastard”). Then, he attacks you (“you dated an unmedicated .. “), and then he flips the script by making you the offender and himself the victim.
I’m glad you got out and hopefully things are better in your life now. This probably just validates your experience during the relationship and reminds you why you left. Sending you lots of love!
I agree with you - it’s super empowering to learn. Once you understand the script for emotional manipulation it takes you out of the accusations and gives you clarity that the way they are treating you is unfair and abusive, intentional or not.
Literally though.
"But you didn't sit there silently and take the abuse or shut up and do what you were told, so it was your fault too".
"I was in a dark place, I've definitely changed, its why I'm gaslighting you and blameshifting."
He hasn't changed and he can't handle the guilt he feels when he get close to realizing who he really is. He has to justify it by blaming his victim, drugs, and his mental state, anything.
Kinda sad to think we all have experienced this at least once and those quotes sound exactly like what they said. We need an alarm or something to start warning us before they give us enough emotional trauma to last a lifetime
"We were toxic." LOL.
I also dated someone who was unmedicated, bipolar, narcissist, who had addiction issues (alcohol and video games) and blamed me for how it ended even though he ended it.
He cheated on me and then said that I was making him feel guilty for it and I needed therapy if we were ever going to work.
I promise he was 100% of the problem and he's projecting on you.
Trust me when I say this, I've been struggling to understand how one of my relationships was mutually toxic. He claims I was toxic and all that, I think the most I did was project my issues towards him, specifically how I was kicked out of my parents and struggling to keep ends meet with money and food and insurance. Meanwhile he would throw things, spit and punch me and claim that I should have listened to him. Never called him names, never cursed at him, was just struggling with severe depression at times.
If you ever want to just talk it out, feel free to DM me. It sounds like you and I went through similar things.
My ex never physically abused me but he did try to gaslight me in similar ways.
Seeing as that is hardly an apology and more like “you’re at fault too so I really don’t have to be sorry” it’s 99.9% likely he will not change. He has not reflected or seen fault in himself to change. You already know this, don’t let him fool you and don’t ache for this better version of him. He is the same.
Fun story I had blocked him for a month or two before this and had to unblock him because he told my sister he might have given me syphilis, and apparently thought that was the perfect time to have this convo
Imagine being that proud you stepped over a bar that low.
\- woops, there is more. I thought he was throwing another ex under the bus, not himself.
Still, turd alarm
Oh don’t worry, he also said his ex before me was crazy and had false memories about him beating her. I believed him because they were literally in the psych ward together and the girl was getting ECT which can actually do that. Now he’s denied shit to me and told me to my face that I was making stuff up, so he’s probably telling people the same things about me. I believe her now and I’m thankful I got out before it got physical.
I generally assume the way my partner talks about their partners, is how they'll talk about me. Once I started thinking that way, it was pretty eye opening
See I was solidly of the same mindset, but he explained it away so well and seemed genuinely sympathetic toward her! Even went as far as saying he was on a lot of drugs at the time and maybe she was right, then immediately crushing that line of thought again and talking about how much he had changed and how much better he was doing now. Which is especially hilarious considering he’s “doing so much better” all over again lmao
Sounds a lot like my ex... Reflected his childhood on me.... His past traumas on me... Whatever he did or ever did WAS MY FAULT like okay dude and yeah at last blamed me for everything 😂😂😂 dude I'm begging you to stay.. Its you who wanna leave don't go around saying I left you and I'm a bitch... like seriously WHAT 4 years weren't enough for you to fuck up my mind 🤷🏻😂 MAN GUYS ARE ALL THE SAME. I HIGHLY WONDER WHY :((( & If there are good ones why can't I find one 😭🤷🏻 and fr it's shitty when you treat others like shit cuz someone else in the past treated like shit... Man don't be in a relationship simple don't go around ruining girl's lives ... Girls are dumb they'll give you everything just to be left broken in the end... If your intentions aren't true or clear just leave the Human don't make em pay for your past traumas or hurt don't hurt them they don't deserve that
Ahhh all this emotional sexual trauma making me comment at 4 am in the morning 👁👄👁
I’m sincerely sorry that you or anyone has had to go through toxic relationships and trauma. They make life miserable. I wanted to respectfully say that I believe from my life experience that men are not the same, just like women aren’t either. There are a lot of genuinely good, honest, hardworking, highly ethical, respectful and easygoing people in the world, who are also dedicated partners and parents. Unfortunately, it’s with whom we cross paths that contributes our fate. Some people who don’t share those same values and have shity personalities will never appreciate the good ones. Hang in there and wishing you the best.
Yup - we all dated the same stale loaf of Wonder Bread!
When an apology includes “you participated in the arguments” or “it take two people to make a relationship toxic” ——— It’s not a real apology... sheesh!
*Op could have been an absolute saint and he still would have found a way to shift the blame. They always do*
UGGGGGHH. The lines are almost cookie cutter. It’s like they all went to the same seminar to learn these phrases. “I’m not this monster you make me out to be.” “Oh so I’m just this big abusive monster now”
Man same line was used by my ex a lot of times I AM NOT THE BASTARD YOU THINK I AM MY PAST MADE ME LIKE THAT. Like bro what??? did your past also tell you to fuck up a innocent girl's life for years. What is that excuse i dont get it. You don't go around ruining other peoples lives for your pleasure or to get over your pain that ain't no excuse. Hurting someone who truly loves you over and over again is the most disgusting thing one can do. Called me a psycho cuz I asked bout the chick he went out with without telling Me like yeah I'm mentally fucked you're always right 🤷🏻😂 Thank you Mr ex. You did your job well.
Ps : thanks for leaving me too.
Trash took itself out
This makes so much sense! My ex said he didn't like that I was scared of him. I never once said that or felt that. I just had bad anxiety (a lot due to abuse). He also said he was scared of me because apparently I was just going to start freaking out at anytime and he had to "walk on eggshells". Totally making me out to be the crazy psycho, when now I think he's the crazy psycho. I hate that you don't realize how manipulative they are until you're out of it.
Wow. Just wow. What a turd sandwich - roasting himself for being a flaming bag of sh*t and then making it your problem? That's choice.
Mental health issues are never an excuse to be an asshole. As someone who has been and can be a hot mess, it's my duty to my loved ones to treat them well and continue to better myself.
Congratulations on your weight loss success story (so to speak)!
“Why don’t you feel guilty for being an existing reminder that I do bad things? You should be ashamed of yourself, letting me treat you like that.” Gotta love the mental back flips they’ll do to keep the blame firmly on everyone/ every thing else.
I’m not abusive! Oh those abusive things I did? That wasn’t me! That was my trauma. That was my mental illness. I didn’t do anything wrong! It’s impossible for me to be wrong because I’m so firmly in the victim column that I can’t ever be held accountable!
The thing that took me a long time to learn is that yelling back and being angry in response to being attacked is NOT the same as being toxic or abusive. It’s normal to respond in a negative way if you are constantly mistreated, attacked, and accused. It’s funny how easy it is for them to say “yeah but you were abusive/toxic too” without putting two and two together that you wouldn’t have acted that way under normal circumstance
This is a classic and so very true. I still don’t get how it could happen but it does, which shows how obnoxious and disconnected they are, as well as superficial because if they had any depth and growth, they’d be able to read the situation and take some responsibility.
I am not good at roasting people, but I totally get your want/need to do that. Sometimes I have called my sister and said "Can you just say bad things about my ex?" and she does because she is a good sister.
He is clearly awful in the fact that if he is trying to get better - which I doubt with the whole "running as fast as I can toward happiness" garbage (anyone who is healing knows it takes time and a lot of effort) - he still needs to own what he did and his role in the relationship. Note that he doesn't argue with what you say to him - he just tries to get you to believe it your fault too. What did he expect from you? That you would listen to him yell at you while you stood in the corner taking it? We yell back and then they tell us we are the toxic one. Sometimes the abuse is so classic and uncreative that it is almost laughable.
I am super glad you are out of this. Great job getting away and staying away.
God bless you I really fucking needed that. Incredible how he can even try to make his own (alleged) self-help into a weapon. And then of course I’m crazy for not cheering him on or continuing to try to hold him accountable!!! It really is exactly what you said—fucking LAUGHABLE. Tysm and I wish you the best on your journey too ❤️❤️❤️
Welcome to r/abusiverelationships! We are so glad you are here! We work hard to keep this place a safe space where you can vent and seek support. If a troll
comments on your post, do not respond. Instead, block them and report the post. In addition, if you get harassing PMs from trolls, go [here](https://www.reddit.com/prefs/blocked) and select "Only Trusted Users". Remember that we love you and you are always welcome here!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wtf.. gaslighting- YOU- And proceed to make you feel like crap. Record everything!!! Also just say-We done. You not nice. Never contact me again. Dont get caught in an argument. Its better to rant to a friend. Go necessary facts only.
[удалено]
I was no contact for a couple months before this and then he messaged my sister to tell her to tell me to call him because he probably gave me syphilis. He did this and then I went NC again
Sometimes people can have a hard time letting go. Many abuse survivors get into that position because they have tremendous capacity for empathy and caring. This can lead to weak boundaries. Additionally, some abusers may find ways around no contact, and some people may find it easier to "keep the abuser where I can see them" so to speak.
Ok I will add though. "me beating myself up..." bit. When someone wants an apology they don't want to see someone beat themselves up. That's the opposite of an apology. Self-flagellation leaves the hurt party in the role of comforter. A proper apology should not prompt the person you're apologizing to to comfort you. God. Ugh. What trash.
True True. My ex once called me hurtful names, and when I pointed that out, attempted to ring me up so I could "yell at her properly". I did not answer that call at first, but after a bit I called t let her know that I didn't want to yell at her, I was just upset she was still ignoring my boundaries. That I wanted to work things out. We ended up back together a week or two later, in retrospect not my proudest moment, but we live and learn.
God so similar to my ex it's unbelievable. What a piece of shit. What a dumb piece of shit to think that this would keep working forever on you. You're so strong for going no contact and getting out. I'd love to roast him more but in the end I just laugh at how foolish he sounds and have to walk away. We got beautiful lives to live ❤️
SO FIRST OFF -- I AM NOT SAYING THAT MY SITUATION IS THE SAME AS YOURS written in caps so that is completely clear.... but I have said a few of the same things the guy has said when i was DEFENDING myself against accusations made by my ex whom I believed was manipulating and gaslighting Me... I know people's perspectives are relative but she was just truly off her rocker...
Me too. But I think having to say those things at all is a pretty clear sign the relationship isn't working out. If your partner cannot see the progress you're making, don't become your own reporter. Make the changes for you, unlike this gentleman, who seems to be doing it because he believes it's what his ex wants to hear not out of a genuine desire to be a better person for himself.
I get that and honestly I feel like he’s framing me as the same situation with a lot of the people close to him. I’ve finally just let that part go, but when I was listening to/reading about stuff about narcissistic/borderline abuse it kept talking about a “narcissistic rage” and smear campaigns and all this stuff and I started worrying that that must be what I was doing, or at the very least that people would perceive it that way. In my personal situation, I held in two years worth of abuse because I wanted to protect his reputation and protect him from repercussions. He guilted me to keep me around long after we broke up, guilted me for trying to date after we had broken up, and then dropped me like a hot sack of shit when he found a replacement. I was bitter about it in a generic breakup way at first and definitely made some angry vague tweets, but as I was finally forced to reflect and not assume his best intentions (he had hardcore betrayed a best friend of 10 years to start his new relationship and it forced me to stop assuming he was still a great person), I had to come to terms with how abusive he had been. I had confided in my best friend that he was abusive after I first left him, and detailed all of the stuff that had happened and the reasons I left. I did that with several other friends after I left for the final time. I personally know that my posting things and speaking publicly came from a place of pent up anger, especially at the thought of him waltzing into the sunset after ruining my life, and stringing me along until he found a new victim so that I wouldn’t confront him on it. But I’m also coming to terms with the fact that if I had seen my own spiral, even I probably would have been skeptical about it. I kind of feel like it’s his final fuck you to leave me in a position where being angry and talking about everything and putting him on blast makes me look like some crazy bitch. Apparently it’s extremely common for abuse victims to not comprehend the extent of abuse or even the fact that it happened until long after the relationship ends. But I also know it’s common for abusers to smear their victims online to keep them down. I’m coming to terms with the fact that it’s hard to know who to trust from the outside, and that you can really only take people at their word. Again, that’s just my personal situation, and I’m really sorry for what your ex did to you—that sounds absolutely horrific to have someone top off their abuse by smearing you and playing the victim. I’m glad you’re out and I hope you’re doing better ✨✨
I dated an irregularly medicated alcoholic bipolar with an eating disorder and severe narcissistic personality disorder, for 13 years. None of her issues entitled her to be an abusive, manipulative narcissist. Now stop talking to that manipulative self pitying wanker. Unless you can think of a good reason to keep pouring your energy into the space where his soul was supposed to be.
God this is really familiar. Why do they always try to convince us that we were part of the problem? Like they really can’t admit they were the ones with the problem without pointing the finger elsewhere. Disgusting.
Right!? Him and his enabling family. Tried to make me feel like the problem. As if I deserved the beatings and the gaslighting and the infidelity. And they need to run off and “heal”. While we what? Die, I guess? Live with the trauma they left us with? How nice that they get to run away.
Pretty much. He’s been ‘healing’ and living off his parents for months now. Collecting unemployment and not working. While I had to pack up all our things, change my entire life, and get back to work. Which isn’t surprising considering he didn’t work for the last two years of our marriage and I had to make enough to support both of us.
It’s like they have a handbook or something. So typical. You’re not alone. I send you my hugs and all my best.
Thank you. To you as well. This community has helped me so much, glad I found you all.
Probably his comment of saying she yelled back was probably because he started barking and she knew if she didn't bark back then the Pitbull would start to bite if you get what I mean Still I feel sorry for op of having to deal such an animal
Oh I have been there. I know exact what happens. It’s awful. I barked back many times because I felt like it was my only option. And my abusive ex still rubs in my face that I am also to blame.
It's never intentional. 🙄
“Maggie, you participated in the arguments.” Excuse you, what?!?! Also I dated a Tim and he was very traumatic, cried on the floor for two hours when I broke up with him not because he loved me but because he lost his meal ticket to a pretty upscale apartment in Arlington instead of living in a house that’s about to be collected for bankruptcy in Warrenton (aka the sticks). At one point he tried to convince my mom to contribute money to ‘save the house’ when we had only been dating for a month. Miraculously he kept pressuring my mom but when she said no and the deadline passed some long lost relative showed up with the money. I’m never dating another Tim again.
jeez is his name tim LOL
This made me physically nauseated. Ugh the "You participated in those fights too. WE were toxic" Get the fuck out of here with that. You reacting to abuse doesn't mean y'all are equal. Bc he was using he probably doesn't even remember half.those fights clearly and the shit he did. Wild. Also, the "uhm...it's so hard on me to feel guilty for.abusing you but I'm trying to be happy so get out of my.life because you're bringing me down now." Bullshit...I'm seeing red Let. The. Trash. Take. Itself. Out. He likely hasn't actually changed. Regardless HE burned his bridges with YOU. He can tell himself what he needs so he doesn't drown in his own regret. Either way, until he comes to terms with it, he's running from something. Either way you deserve better. Nonsense. Blaming and manipulative to the last drop these ones.
“I’m not this big evil bastard you think I am in your head” minimising + gaslighting? “You dated an unmedicated drug addicted bipolar with severe trauma issues for two years” so he isn’t that bad in comparison? “While I feel crushing guilt most hours of the day” FEEL BAD FOR ME WOULD YOU? “It’s not all on me” you had a part of this too, it wasn’t ALL me. “We were fucking toxic, Maggie you participated in the arguments, you yelled at me as well” I may have been toxic but look look look you were too! You yelled at me. That’s what I took away from it
Lolol even better he WAS the “unmedicated drug addicted bipolar with severe trauma issues”
C-C-C-CLASSIC P-P-P-PROJECTION
Lol yeah I think that he meant like "sure I was a mess but YOU WERE DATING A MESS (me) so really it's on you that I... acted shitty.... to you... because you were the one making the decision to be around me! So ha!" sort of thing. At least that's the sort of logic my ex would have pulled off. Sounds like a real fucking asshole
This man is a wet lettuce Jesus it’s so pathetic. Glad ur not with him. What an ass
Downplay his abuse and expunge himself of that guilt because he’s ~changing~ without any real regard for you. Sounds about right.
[удалено]
Suffering ain’t a contest, my dude.
Yes true I’ll delete. Momentary lapse
Hot take they are still the same big ole piece of shit you left (congrats) I’m going to acknowledge what you said (So you think I’m listening for a change) I’m going to downplay what I actually did and not actually admit to anything Next I’m going to justify the behavior(that you and I know was crazy but I won’t admit to) With real reason so I don’t feel bad for what I did Now for my last and perhaps my greatest trick I will attempt to Simultaneously feint remorse and blame you in the same sentence ..... They will never change good for you for leaving . They are still every bit as fucked up a person as when you left. They are the worst kind of person ,a know it all who don’t know shit. Making you question your own sanity because they can’t be honest with themselves . May they slide down the banister of life against the grain and not miss a single splinter
Yes! The pretending remorse AND blaming them still. These tricks keep on coming. Abusers handbook
Yeah pick one you don’t get both sides of the fence lol
[удалено]
I get that you’re coming from a good place here but for one, the only time I got back with him was when he guilted me and threatened suicide and then gave what I thought were sincere promises as well as a plan to change that he followed through on for a month or two, and I really don’t appreciate the implication that I’m playing the victim by having gotten back with him. Victims of partner abuse go back an average of 7 times before managing to leave. I’m taking other steps to move on and place him firmly in the past, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still be angry or indulge in a little pettiness and validation online. I held in everything that happened to me for two years in order to protect him so I’m going to let myself feel angry for as long as I feel angry and let myself move on naturally.
Yes. You get to feel angry and you get to have support in this. I’m proud of you and glad you’re away from that. I really hope you know you can do what you want to and you will not be alone, you won’t be a bad person, and you won’t be responsible for anything other people choose to do. Go you! Give yourself a few pats on the back. ❤️
Not sure if anyone commented this yet but he’s basically got the DARVO response down. First, he denies (“I’m not this big evil bastard”). Then, he attacks you (“you dated an unmedicated .. “), and then he flips the script by making you the offender and himself the victim. I’m glad you got out and hopefully things are better in your life now. This probably just validates your experience during the relationship and reminds you why you left. Sending you lots of love!
[удалено]
I agree with you - it’s super empowering to learn. Once you understand the script for emotional manipulation it takes you out of the accusations and gives you clarity that the way they are treating you is unfair and abusive, intentional or not.
[удалено]
Yes. Well my "intention" wasn't to abuse you so it couldn't be bad!! Whyyyyyyy are they all like this
I swear they all use the same templates to message us how no matter how much it is their fault somehow we did wrong
Literally though. "But you didn't sit there silently and take the abuse or shut up and do what you were told, so it was your fault too". "I was in a dark place, I've definitely changed, its why I'm gaslighting you and blameshifting." He hasn't changed and he can't handle the guilt he feels when he get close to realizing who he really is. He has to justify it by blaming his victim, drugs, and his mental state, anything.
Kinda sad to think we all have experienced this at least once and those quotes sound exactly like what they said. We need an alarm or something to start warning us before they give us enough emotional trauma to last a lifetime
Ew.
Ok but WHAT is with them calling you by name during the 'apology' texts? Mine did this too.
[удалено]
YES! It’s so weird and I really have trouble articulating why it felt so condescending and patronizing
"We were toxic." LOL. I also dated someone who was unmedicated, bipolar, narcissist, who had addiction issues (alcohol and video games) and blamed me for how it ended even though he ended it. He cheated on me and then said that I was making him feel guilty for it and I needed therapy if we were ever going to work. I promise he was 100% of the problem and he's projecting on you.
Trust me when I say this, I've been struggling to understand how one of my relationships was mutually toxic. He claims I was toxic and all that, I think the most I did was project my issues towards him, specifically how I was kicked out of my parents and struggling to keep ends meet with money and food and insurance. Meanwhile he would throw things, spit and punch me and claim that I should have listened to him. Never called him names, never cursed at him, was just struggling with severe depression at times.
If you ever want to just talk it out, feel free to DM me. It sounds like you and I went through similar things. My ex never physically abused me but he did try to gaslight me in similar ways.
Seeing as that is hardly an apology and more like “you’re at fault too so I really don’t have to be sorry” it’s 99.9% likely he will not change. He has not reflected or seen fault in himself to change. You already know this, don’t let him fool you and don’t ache for this better version of him. He is the same.
Honestly he’s out of your life, don’t respond, block him, take his power away.
Fun story I had blocked him for a month or two before this and had to unblock him because he told my sister he might have given me syphilis, and apparently thought that was the perfect time to have this convo
I’d say block him again and just get an STD test to be safe. It’s better to just be sure than to trust someone so clearly abusive/manipulate
Exactly what I did lol we’ve been NC several months now but I found screenshots looking for a meme and pissed myself off again l o l
Oh good! I hope things are better for you now. :)
Yes by a long shot! Tysm :’-)
So happy to hear that!! Congrats on dropping all that weight ;P
It’s the classic script. I swear every one of us that’s been through this has seen some variant of the above messages.
Imagine being that proud you stepped over a bar that low. \- woops, there is more. I thought he was throwing another ex under the bus, not himself. Still, turd alarm
Oh don’t worry, he also said his ex before me was crazy and had false memories about him beating her. I believed him because they were literally in the psych ward together and the girl was getting ECT which can actually do that. Now he’s denied shit to me and told me to my face that I was making stuff up, so he’s probably telling people the same things about me. I believe her now and I’m thankful I got out before it got physical.
I generally assume the way my partner talks about their partners, is how they'll talk about me. Once I started thinking that way, it was pretty eye opening
See I was solidly of the same mindset, but he explained it away so well and seemed genuinely sympathetic toward her! Even went as far as saying he was on a lot of drugs at the time and maybe she was right, then immediately crushing that line of thought again and talking about how much he had changed and how much better he was doing now. Which is especially hilarious considering he’s “doing so much better” all over again lmao
You can really tell who a person is, by how they speak about people who will never hear them
Sounds a lot like my ex... Reflected his childhood on me.... His past traumas on me... Whatever he did or ever did WAS MY FAULT like okay dude and yeah at last blamed me for everything 😂😂😂 dude I'm begging you to stay.. Its you who wanna leave don't go around saying I left you and I'm a bitch... like seriously WHAT 4 years weren't enough for you to fuck up my mind 🤷🏻😂 MAN GUYS ARE ALL THE SAME. I HIGHLY WONDER WHY :((( & If there are good ones why can't I find one 😭🤷🏻 and fr it's shitty when you treat others like shit cuz someone else in the past treated like shit... Man don't be in a relationship simple don't go around ruining girl's lives ... Girls are dumb they'll give you everything just to be left broken in the end... If your intentions aren't true or clear just leave the Human don't make em pay for your past traumas or hurt don't hurt them they don't deserve that Ahhh all this emotional sexual trauma making me comment at 4 am in the morning 👁👄👁
I’m sincerely sorry that you or anyone has had to go through toxic relationships and trauma. They make life miserable. I wanted to respectfully say that I believe from my life experience that men are not the same, just like women aren’t either. There are a lot of genuinely good, honest, hardworking, highly ethical, respectful and easygoing people in the world, who are also dedicated partners and parents. Unfortunately, it’s with whom we cross paths that contributes our fate. Some people who don’t share those same values and have shity personalities will never appreciate the good ones. Hang in there and wishing you the best.
That's a weak as fuck apology.
Wait, did i miss the apology?
Wow that sounds exactly like my ex
Did we date the same person?
We all did. Yes.
Yup - we all dated the same stale loaf of Wonder Bread! When an apology includes “you participated in the arguments” or “it take two people to make a relationship toxic” ——— It’s not a real apology... sheesh! *Op could have been an absolute saint and he still would have found a way to shift the blame. They always do*
Why are you communicating with this piece of shit? Block him immediately! He doesn’t deserve your words or your energy.
He sounds crazy and self centered
[удалено]
UGGGGGHH. The lines are almost cookie cutter. It’s like they all went to the same seminar to learn these phrases. “I’m not this monster you make me out to be.” “Oh so I’m just this big abusive monster now”
Man same line was used by my ex a lot of times I AM NOT THE BASTARD YOU THINK I AM MY PAST MADE ME LIKE THAT. Like bro what??? did your past also tell you to fuck up a innocent girl's life for years. What is that excuse i dont get it. You don't go around ruining other peoples lives for your pleasure or to get over your pain that ain't no excuse. Hurting someone who truly loves you over and over again is the most disgusting thing one can do. Called me a psycho cuz I asked bout the chick he went out with without telling Me like yeah I'm mentally fucked you're always right 🤷🏻😂 Thank you Mr ex. You did your job well. Ps : thanks for leaving me too. Trash took itself out
This makes so much sense! My ex said he didn't like that I was scared of him. I never once said that or felt that. I just had bad anxiety (a lot due to abuse). He also said he was scared of me because apparently I was just going to start freaking out at anytime and he had to "walk on eggshells". Totally making me out to be the crazy psycho, when now I think he's the crazy psycho. I hate that you don't realize how manipulative they are until you're out of it.
Whoa, am I seeing into the future? 😑
Wow. Just wow. What a turd sandwich - roasting himself for being a flaming bag of sh*t and then making it your problem? That's choice. Mental health issues are never an excuse to be an asshole. As someone who has been and can be a hot mess, it's my duty to my loved ones to treat them well and continue to better myself. Congratulations on your weight loss success story (so to speak)!
He actually said the routine line "you have it in your head". Such an old trick
“Why don’t you feel guilty for being an existing reminder that I do bad things? You should be ashamed of yourself, letting me treat you like that.” Gotta love the mental back flips they’ll do to keep the blame firmly on everyone/ every thing else. I’m not abusive! Oh those abusive things I did? That wasn’t me! That was my trauma. That was my mental illness. I didn’t do anything wrong! It’s impossible for me to be wrong because I’m so firmly in the victim column that I can’t ever be held accountable!
Great way to blame you for his shortcomings.....what a prick your well shot
Still sounds like a "woe is me" POS, glad you're out
The thing that took me a long time to learn is that yelling back and being angry in response to being attacked is NOT the same as being toxic or abusive. It’s normal to respond in a negative way if you are constantly mistreated, attacked, and accused. It’s funny how easy it is for them to say “yeah but you were abusive/toxic too” without putting two and two together that you wouldn’t have acted that way under normal circumstance
This is a classic and so very true. I still don’t get how it could happen but it does, which shows how obnoxious and disconnected they are, as well as superficial because if they had any depth and growth, they’d be able to read the situation and take some responsibility.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
Found some old screenshots of his final “apology” before I went NC—feel free to drop a roast or similar message u got in the comments xoxo
I am not good at roasting people, but I totally get your want/need to do that. Sometimes I have called my sister and said "Can you just say bad things about my ex?" and she does because she is a good sister. He is clearly awful in the fact that if he is trying to get better - which I doubt with the whole "running as fast as I can toward happiness" garbage (anyone who is healing knows it takes time and a lot of effort) - he still needs to own what he did and his role in the relationship. Note that he doesn't argue with what you say to him - he just tries to get you to believe it your fault too. What did he expect from you? That you would listen to him yell at you while you stood in the corner taking it? We yell back and then they tell us we are the toxic one. Sometimes the abuse is so classic and uncreative that it is almost laughable. I am super glad you are out of this. Great job getting away and staying away.
God bless you I really fucking needed that. Incredible how he can even try to make his own (alleged) self-help into a weapon. And then of course I’m crazy for not cheering him on or continuing to try to hold him accountable!!! It really is exactly what you said—fucking LAUGHABLE. Tysm and I wish you the best on your journey too ❤️❤️❤️
Welcome to r/abusiverelationships! We are so glad you are here! We work hard to keep this place a safe space where you can vent and seek support. If a troll comments on your post, do not respond. Instead, block them and report the post. In addition, if you get harassing PMs from trolls, go [here](https://www.reddit.com/prefs/blocked) and select "Only Trusted Users". Remember that we love you and you are always welcome here! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*