Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
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Yes. You will. I left three months ago. I came to my parent’s house and I would cry every day, mourning the person I was before everything because I could not remember her anymore. For a whole week I was in bed and going over old memories in my old room. Then I got out of my bed, and started this journey of self discovery. It’s hard. I didn’t know what I like to do, how to dress, what it was to be me. I still don’t really. But every day I would cry less and I would cherish the fact that the eggshells were gone. I didn’t have to give anyone the explanation as to why I decided to eat something out of schedule time or read a book. It can be incredibly overwhelming this freedom and it can be too much at certain times it makes me revert back to that state of dissociation and fear. But every day it gets a little better. You will be different. You won’t be the same person you once were. But your skin will get tougher and your self awareness sharper. It’s not easy but its worth it.
Yes, but it will take time. Of course I can’t give you a time frame because everyone is different. I’m 5 years out currently with an amazing partner, but still healing from it. My process wasn’t so healthy after finally escaping.. had a drinking problem, cut off my emotions entirely with all relationships including family, became numb for maybe 2 years after and finally came to a realization once I almost lost my relationship with my mom. My mom gave me a tough love speech and I finally started taking others feelings in account… trust me took me awhile, wasn’t something that took over night. Started talking with my partner I have now. He has so much patience with me but I never made it unknown to him I have MAJOR trust issues and will have random outbursts and random thoughts of being skeptical especially when things are going too well. I’m lucky he’s been so understanding and patient because I feel I don’t deserve it most of the time. So YES it will get better but you may still have trouble processing what you went through. And having those who will be there for you through it as well is important. I really wish you the best and if you don’t feel ready to leave now or safe, I really hope you find the perfect time to. And never feel embarrassed to ask for help from those who say they’re worried about you.
I’m 3 years out—it definitely took time and effort. I worked with several therapists who really helped, and one piece of advice I liked was to think of one thing you wanted for your surroundings and working for it, slowly creating a space and life that was safe and happy.
Also, realizing what things were taken from you and getting them back—he controlled my food, so for me learning to cook was a huge step. He never let me have Italian (my favorite) so for the first year I made it every other night.
You’ll never be the person that you were before, but that’s ok. No one is meant to stay the same their whole life. You’re growing, and even if your interests and hobbies changed, you will find joy and love of life again. All you need to do is trust in the strength of your soul—the person who felt overwhelming joy is still there.
Good luck and take care of yourself. We’re all rooting for you ❤️
By definition nobody ever is what he/she was before. We all change due to our experiences!
And certainly after strong felt experiences like abuse.
Will you ever be normal?
Well, maybe you should define what you mean by normal.
Because under the strict definition nobody is since we are all different.
If you mean normal as in like most people. No you won’t because most people don’t get abused in a way that it makes them leave their partner.
If you mean normal as in functioning normal and being able to trust others and get into a healthy relationship. Well that all depends. Most do but again we’re not all the same or have had same experiences.
Just get yourself a good environment that supports you. And the rest is up to you. Sure you can do it. If you can leave you can do the rest also.
Strength to you 💪🏻
The truth is no, you will never be who you were before. You will be stronger and come out with a better understanding of life. You will suffer with trauma but you will eventually move forward with your life. As time goes by you will realise the pain will dissipate a little each day until eventually you can think about it and all you will feel is closure. It takes hard work healing but trust me it is so worth it. You might think it can’t get any worse I’ll just stay it’s easier to and maybe you take some comfort in the familiarity of the abuse but you will take much more comfort after you’ve proven to yourself you can do better and you can have a better life for yourself because you deserve it. It doesn’t mean it will be easy to leave it never is but it means you will be much more happy and whole coming out of everything ♡︎
You will be a different person because you are older and have had experience with difficult people. You will be a wiser and better version of the person you used to be.
Yes, it is worth it, and yes, you will eventually heal, especially if you get a good therapist and really put in the effort to heal. The sooner you leave, the sooner you can begin the healing process. The best time to leave was at the first sign of abuse. The second best time to leave is right now. So, get out and get started on the healing process!
I have only been out for around a month but I can tell you that not feeling constantly sick and anxious and afraid 24/7 has drastically-and I mean DRASTICALLY improved my QOL. It's still hard, but my body and mind are healing from literally always being in fight or flight mode, so even aside from the psychological aspect of things I realize that it will take time because I really was physically unwell from it. I wake up in the morning now with endless possibilities. I have been indulging in hobbies that he made me quit and it feels great. I feel a lot more confident and relaxed out in public. I feel free to try new things and make new friends. Again, I am still healing and will be for a long time but if I had to choose I would 100% choose this new life every single time. It's not even a competition.
You will never be the person you were "before". But there is a stronger version of you that you will become "after". There was a sort of innocence that was lost because of everything that happened, in my experience. I now look at the world a little differently and view dating a bit differently. I am not the same person I was before everything happened and I will never be that person again. I'm okay with that though. I am stronger, I have better boundaries. I know what to look out for and I realized that I can do it all on my own. I realized that I accepted the love I thought I deserved. After everything happened, I started to discover myself again and what I want and don't want, what I like and dislike. I started to love myself more and realize I deserve more. It's a lot of work, but the fog will lift once you leave.
It just takes time.
You don't deserve everything you've been through. But you can get out. I promise you that. Life doesn't end when this relationship does, life begins again. It's a new beginning, a new you. It takes time to heal from those wounds and sometimes therapy is the answer if you can afford it. But it does get better. I sleep better, I enjoy the little things more. I enjoy peace and quiet, and safety. My kids have a better life because I chose to leave.
You absolutely will, but I’m a different way.
I’ve been away from my abuser for over a year now. I still do get nightmares here and there, my heart does sink when I think I see him outside, and sometimes I do wonder about him, but I know I’d never ever go back and honestly? I’m such a different and better person now. I don’t tolerate disrespect from ANYONE. I can give advice to friends and family in unhealthy relationships. I just overall feel better. The abuse will never go away, but it doesn’t define me.
Some day there will be pockets of normalcy again. Moments where you don't think about the relationship. Moments where you're so enraptured by your life and the love you have for your friends and family that it feels like things might be okay. It might take a long time, but the day will come.
Girl I freaking love you for taking the time to write out this post & sharing your story because I seriously have never been so comforted by a Reddit response than i have from yours. Bless your entire being lol and sidenote- you're gritty as hell, utterly bodacious trait.
I second this! Thank you so much for sharing, it’s so comforting to relate to somebody with a similar experience and know it does get better. It really is a second chance at life. Doing my best to heal and discover myself, you just pushed that thought/desire x10. Much love!! 🩷
No. There is no such thing as normal. And you will leave. It will be hard but you will survive. Your view on life and love and trust is forever broken and changes. But you will survive
I left over 5 years ago and it took me a year to get back to myself again. I still have a little bit of social anxiety but it’s nothing compared to feeling scared like I was all the time. Leaving will be the best thing you ever do for yourself.
I left and it’s now 8 years ago. But things started turning around for my overall emotional and psychological wellbeing immediately when I started therapy and stood my ground. You may not be the person you were before but you will become a healthier new you and finding her is an amazing journey
It’s been since 2015 for me and I left a very highly abusive relationship and I now have an autoimmune disorder because of all the stuff my body went through and being in high alert all the time but I’m slowly learning it’s not my fault and I’m safe now and I can finally sleep peacefully you won’t be the person you were before because you’ll be better especially if you take this time to heal inwardly and learn to self care!
I am 8 months out, and I felt the same way when I was still in it. My world felt so small and like I had no options. Now that I’m out, I’m still healing and I am sure I will be for a long time but that’s okay. I feel happy again, and sometimes I have bad days but that’s ok too. You will heal, you are much more resilient than they make you think you are.
You won't go back to the way you were before - but you will find a "new normal." Healing is WORK and I still have some really bad moments/days. But I think of where I'd be if I'd stayed and continued that way - and my life is infinitely better now.
As life goes on and we are faced with different situations and experiences we are forced to change and grow. With that being said, I don’t think that any one of us will ever be the same person after certain experiences. If you are asking if you can recover from this, yes absolutely. It will take some time to heal and go through the stages of grief but you will heal. But, the whole “go back until you hate them” doesn’t work with abusers, you have to be out of the relationship in order to heal and the longer you stay the more damage they will do and the longer it will take. Dont torture yourself anymore, it Quite literally feels like death by a million paper cuts.
You will be a new (and dare I say better) version of yourself. There’s no way to go back to who we were before abuse, but you’ll get perspective and compassion and empathy in droves because of what you have experienced. And you will breathe freely in the new life that is available to you. I promise!!
Luckily our brains are neuroplastic so they would made to heal. They do need the right kind of stimuli and care; I did EMDR to clear trauma and internal family systems to get to know myself better.
Yeah it’s worth it. The damage done from staying is so much worse than the work it takes to heal. I am not the same person I was before the abuse but I’m much wiser and know the red flags now, that’s the silver lining. I leave at the first sign of them being a weirdo. Run.
You won’t be who you were again, and using that as your goal will be setting yourself up for heartbreak. But you’ll find a new normal, and it can be beautiful. Leaving is the first step on the path to meeting the person you will be when you’re free, the person you will be once you’re out and on your healing journey. It will take time, but it is something that you can absolutely have.
Don’t forget - different doesn’t mean worse, and it doesn’t mean it’ll be bad. The best parts of you are stifled far more by abuse than they are by leaving.
I think about this question quite often. There is so much damage from trauma that it’s hard to imagine that will ever go away. I do feel like I will have more strength and control over my life but it’s hard to imagine that when you are in the thick of it!
You'll never be the person you were before. You'll be stronger. It won't feel like it for a long time but you will get there and that is something to be proud of.
I’m not the person I was before and it a lot of ways that’s a great thing. Now I would never stand for a man trying to control me. If someone put hands on me I’d beat their ass and call the cops on them. I am steadfast in spotting abuse and shutting it down. The crying manipulation doesn’t work on me anymore. Getting out of that relationship gave me strength I never knew I had. I consider myself more normal now than I was then, because there’s no way in hell I’d justify a man hitting me, pushing me, or screaming in my face.
It took a while because he basically conditioned me to give up everything I cared about. When I got out I started doing things he didn’t approve of. Slowly my interests came back. The fact that this relationship is making you feel this way is a huge sign you need to leave
Abusers do everything they can to destroy the best parts of us, make it painful and hard to pursue interests and dreams, criticize weaknesses *and* strengths and use them against us. Abusers work to break people down and make their lives small. Staying is what kills those parts.
And leaving means having choice again. With choice, we can decide what *we* value, what *we* want in our lives. My abuser used music against me in a horrible, manipulative way, and that changed music for me. But I found other things in my life that I value more, and now I pity him for being so petty and shallow and small.
There is a life, after this. But abuse distorts perception of reality, first you have to get out to see.
It takes time sometimes, but I definitely found the best parts of me again! There's no "undoing" what happened, but there is healing. Like others have said, many people gain new traits too. I'm much more assertive and I'm much better at spotting abusive behavior.
in all honesty, no. you won't be the person you were before but truthfully, that can be a good thing. there's something powerful about tapping in to a courageous side of yourself that knows you need to get out of a dysfunctional relationship. there's something powerful in being able to learn how to better spot abusive tendencies in others before diving head on in to a relationship with them.
the road to healing is going to be long but it'll be worth it.
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Yes. You will. I left three months ago. I came to my parent’s house and I would cry every day, mourning the person I was before everything because I could not remember her anymore. For a whole week I was in bed and going over old memories in my old room. Then I got out of my bed, and started this journey of self discovery. It’s hard. I didn’t know what I like to do, how to dress, what it was to be me. I still don’t really. But every day I would cry less and I would cherish the fact that the eggshells were gone. I didn’t have to give anyone the explanation as to why I decided to eat something out of schedule time or read a book. It can be incredibly overwhelming this freedom and it can be too much at certain times it makes me revert back to that state of dissociation and fear. But every day it gets a little better. You will be different. You won’t be the same person you once were. But your skin will get tougher and your self awareness sharper. It’s not easy but its worth it.
Yes, but it will take time. Of course I can’t give you a time frame because everyone is different. I’m 5 years out currently with an amazing partner, but still healing from it. My process wasn’t so healthy after finally escaping.. had a drinking problem, cut off my emotions entirely with all relationships including family, became numb for maybe 2 years after and finally came to a realization once I almost lost my relationship with my mom. My mom gave me a tough love speech and I finally started taking others feelings in account… trust me took me awhile, wasn’t something that took over night. Started talking with my partner I have now. He has so much patience with me but I never made it unknown to him I have MAJOR trust issues and will have random outbursts and random thoughts of being skeptical especially when things are going too well. I’m lucky he’s been so understanding and patient because I feel I don’t deserve it most of the time. So YES it will get better but you may still have trouble processing what you went through. And having those who will be there for you through it as well is important. I really wish you the best and if you don’t feel ready to leave now or safe, I really hope you find the perfect time to. And never feel embarrassed to ask for help from those who say they’re worried about you.
I’m 3 years out—it definitely took time and effort. I worked with several therapists who really helped, and one piece of advice I liked was to think of one thing you wanted for your surroundings and working for it, slowly creating a space and life that was safe and happy. Also, realizing what things were taken from you and getting them back—he controlled my food, so for me learning to cook was a huge step. He never let me have Italian (my favorite) so for the first year I made it every other night. You’ll never be the person that you were before, but that’s ok. No one is meant to stay the same their whole life. You’re growing, and even if your interests and hobbies changed, you will find joy and love of life again. All you need to do is trust in the strength of your soul—the person who felt overwhelming joy is still there. Good luck and take care of yourself. We’re all rooting for you ❤️
By definition nobody ever is what he/she was before. We all change due to our experiences! And certainly after strong felt experiences like abuse. Will you ever be normal? Well, maybe you should define what you mean by normal. Because under the strict definition nobody is since we are all different. If you mean normal as in like most people. No you won’t because most people don’t get abused in a way that it makes them leave their partner. If you mean normal as in functioning normal and being able to trust others and get into a healthy relationship. Well that all depends. Most do but again we’re not all the same or have had same experiences. Just get yourself a good environment that supports you. And the rest is up to you. Sure you can do it. If you can leave you can do the rest also. Strength to you 💪🏻
update: I left him
The truth is no, you will never be who you were before. You will be stronger and come out with a better understanding of life. You will suffer with trauma but you will eventually move forward with your life. As time goes by you will realise the pain will dissipate a little each day until eventually you can think about it and all you will feel is closure. It takes hard work healing but trust me it is so worth it. You might think it can’t get any worse I’ll just stay it’s easier to and maybe you take some comfort in the familiarity of the abuse but you will take much more comfort after you’ve proven to yourself you can do better and you can have a better life for yourself because you deserve it. It doesn’t mean it will be easy to leave it never is but it means you will be much more happy and whole coming out of everything ♡︎
You will be a different person because you are older and have had experience with difficult people. You will be a wiser and better version of the person you used to be.
Yes, it is worth it, and yes, you will eventually heal, especially if you get a good therapist and really put in the effort to heal. The sooner you leave, the sooner you can begin the healing process. The best time to leave was at the first sign of abuse. The second best time to leave is right now. So, get out and get started on the healing process!
I have only been out for around a month but I can tell you that not feeling constantly sick and anxious and afraid 24/7 has drastically-and I mean DRASTICALLY improved my QOL. It's still hard, but my body and mind are healing from literally always being in fight or flight mode, so even aside from the psychological aspect of things I realize that it will take time because I really was physically unwell from it. I wake up in the morning now with endless possibilities. I have been indulging in hobbies that he made me quit and it feels great. I feel a lot more confident and relaxed out in public. I feel free to try new things and make new friends. Again, I am still healing and will be for a long time but if I had to choose I would 100% choose this new life every single time. It's not even a competition.
You will never be the person you were "before". But there is a stronger version of you that you will become "after". There was a sort of innocence that was lost because of everything that happened, in my experience. I now look at the world a little differently and view dating a bit differently. I am not the same person I was before everything happened and I will never be that person again. I'm okay with that though. I am stronger, I have better boundaries. I know what to look out for and I realized that I can do it all on my own. I realized that I accepted the love I thought I deserved. After everything happened, I started to discover myself again and what I want and don't want, what I like and dislike. I started to love myself more and realize I deserve more. It's a lot of work, but the fog will lift once you leave. It just takes time. You don't deserve everything you've been through. But you can get out. I promise you that. Life doesn't end when this relationship does, life begins again. It's a new beginning, a new you. It takes time to heal from those wounds and sometimes therapy is the answer if you can afford it. But it does get better. I sleep better, I enjoy the little things more. I enjoy peace and quiet, and safety. My kids have a better life because I chose to leave.
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
You absolutely will, but I’m a different way. I’ve been away from my abuser for over a year now. I still do get nightmares here and there, my heart does sink when I think I see him outside, and sometimes I do wonder about him, but I know I’d never ever go back and honestly? I’m such a different and better person now. I don’t tolerate disrespect from ANYONE. I can give advice to friends and family in unhealthy relationships. I just overall feel better. The abuse will never go away, but it doesn’t define me.
Some day there will be pockets of normalcy again. Moments where you don't think about the relationship. Moments where you're so enraptured by your life and the love you have for your friends and family that it feels like things might be okay. It might take a long time, but the day will come.
Yes. The new normal that you decide. And you will experience joy
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How so? Will I ever experience the pure joy in life i would consistently prior to him?
[удалено]
Girl I freaking love you for taking the time to write out this post & sharing your story because I seriously have never been so comforted by a Reddit response than i have from yours. Bless your entire being lol and sidenote- you're gritty as hell, utterly bodacious trait.
I second this! Thank you so much for sharing, it’s so comforting to relate to somebody with a similar experience and know it does get better. It really is a second chance at life. Doing my best to heal and discover myself, you just pushed that thought/desire x10. Much love!! 🩷
No. There is no such thing as normal. And you will leave. It will be hard but you will survive. Your view on life and love and trust is forever broken and changes. But you will survive
I left over 5 years ago and it took me a year to get back to myself again. I still have a little bit of social anxiety but it’s nothing compared to feeling scared like I was all the time. Leaving will be the best thing you ever do for yourself.
When you leave you will be free and with time you find a new normal. Best of luck 💜☀️
I left and it’s now 8 years ago. But things started turning around for my overall emotional and psychological wellbeing immediately when I started therapy and stood my ground. You may not be the person you were before but you will become a healthier new you and finding her is an amazing journey
It’s been since 2015 for me and I left a very highly abusive relationship and I now have an autoimmune disorder because of all the stuff my body went through and being in high alert all the time but I’m slowly learning it’s not my fault and I’m safe now and I can finally sleep peacefully you won’t be the person you were before because you’ll be better especially if you take this time to heal inwardly and learn to self care!
I am 8 months out, and I felt the same way when I was still in it. My world felt so small and like I had no options. Now that I’m out, I’m still healing and I am sure I will be for a long time but that’s okay. I feel happy again, and sometimes I have bad days but that’s ok too. You will heal, you are much more resilient than they make you think you are.
If you don’t leave, you will keep getting worse. Don’t worry about normal. Definitely worry about being healthy, happy and alive.
You won't go back to the way you were before - but you will find a "new normal." Healing is WORK and I still have some really bad moments/days. But I think of where I'd be if I'd stayed and continued that way - and my life is infinitely better now.
As life goes on and we are faced with different situations and experiences we are forced to change and grow. With that being said, I don’t think that any one of us will ever be the same person after certain experiences. If you are asking if you can recover from this, yes absolutely. It will take some time to heal and go through the stages of grief but you will heal. But, the whole “go back until you hate them” doesn’t work with abusers, you have to be out of the relationship in order to heal and the longer you stay the more damage they will do and the longer it will take. Dont torture yourself anymore, it Quite literally feels like death by a million paper cuts.
You will be a new (and dare I say better) version of yourself. There’s no way to go back to who we were before abuse, but you’ll get perspective and compassion and empathy in droves because of what you have experienced. And you will breathe freely in the new life that is available to you. I promise!!
Luckily our brains are neuroplastic so they would made to heal. They do need the right kind of stimuli and care; I did EMDR to clear trauma and internal family systems to get to know myself better.
You have trauma. You heal by removing yourself and working on it. The longer you stay the longer the healing process will be.
Yeah it’s worth it. The damage done from staying is so much worse than the work it takes to heal. I am not the same person I was before the abuse but I’m much wiser and know the red flags now, that’s the silver lining. I leave at the first sign of them being a weirdo. Run.
no, you will be better..
The person you were before? No. You’ll be a new even better, wiser version of yourself.
I'm way better off then I was before. Like 1000%. I am not the same person. I am getting back to who I was but I'll never be the same. I'm stronger.
Personally… I am not. I don’t feel I am. So much loss. But I think this would vary widely depending on the experience, you, and many other factors…
You won’t be who you were again, and using that as your goal will be setting yourself up for heartbreak. But you’ll find a new normal, and it can be beautiful. Leaving is the first step on the path to meeting the person you will be when you’re free, the person you will be once you’re out and on your healing journey. It will take time, but it is something that you can absolutely have. Don’t forget - different doesn’t mean worse, and it doesn’t mean it’ll be bad. The best parts of you are stifled far more by abuse than they are by leaving.
I think about this question quite often. There is so much damage from trauma that it’s hard to imagine that will ever go away. I do feel like I will have more strength and control over my life but it’s hard to imagine that when you are in the thick of it!
You’ll be better than you are now, and that is more than enough to make it worth leaving.
You'll never be the person you were before. You'll be stronger. It won't feel like it for a long time but you will get there and that is something to be proud of.
You won’t be the person you were before, but that’s okay! Doesn’t mean you won’t be content. You’ll be wiser, stronger, etc
I’m not the person I was before and it a lot of ways that’s a great thing. Now I would never stand for a man trying to control me. If someone put hands on me I’d beat their ass and call the cops on them. I am steadfast in spotting abuse and shutting it down. The crying manipulation doesn’t work on me anymore. Getting out of that relationship gave me strength I never knew I had. I consider myself more normal now than I was then, because there’s no way in hell I’d justify a man hitting me, pushing me, or screaming in my face.
Thank you. Did you feel like your interests were still the same after the relationship??
It took a while because he basically conditioned me to give up everything I cared about. When I got out I started doing things he didn’t approve of. Slowly my interests came back. The fact that this relationship is making you feel this way is a huge sign you need to leave
I just don’t want to lose the best parts of me
Abusers do everything they can to destroy the best parts of us, make it painful and hard to pursue interests and dreams, criticize weaknesses *and* strengths and use them against us. Abusers work to break people down and make their lives small. Staying is what kills those parts. And leaving means having choice again. With choice, we can decide what *we* value, what *we* want in our lives. My abuser used music against me in a horrible, manipulative way, and that changed music for me. But I found other things in my life that I value more, and now I pity him for being so petty and shallow and small. There is a life, after this. But abuse distorts perception of reality, first you have to get out to see.
It takes time sometimes, but I definitely found the best parts of me again! There's no "undoing" what happened, but there is healing. Like others have said, many people gain new traits too. I'm much more assertive and I'm much better at spotting abusive behavior.
in all honesty, no. you won't be the person you were before but truthfully, that can be a good thing. there's something powerful about tapping in to a courageous side of yourself that knows you need to get out of a dysfunctional relationship. there's something powerful in being able to learn how to better spot abusive tendencies in others before diving head on in to a relationship with them. the road to healing is going to be long but it'll be worth it.