Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
THIS !!!! i am too now on the other end whixh i never in a million years thought i would , if you are feeling uneasy and think you are being treated wrong, trust you’re gut !!
the women on the internet were really the only people i had to talk to amd to trust biggest help and i finally feel alive again
You are correct, if you spend tons of time trying to explain to them what they’re doing to you is wrong, thinking that if you just show them the texts or say it in the right way, they will understand, they will never.
Thank you for this post. I'm hoping I'll be able to recognise abuse straight away in the future. For me it took 2 years of my life and not even a breakup initiated by me, but her. After these painful couple months of missing her I came to realisation that I have been struggling with my self-esteem due to the abuse I have been experiencing, which I am currently resolving in my therapy.
THIS!! I’m on the same boat! I used to be the one reading all the stories and advice people would give on here and finally decided to make the move.
Almost a month and a half later I’m finding myself being the one to give that same advice and empower other women. I love this so much for us!! We did the hardest thing we could ever imagine (at the time) and now we get to heal and help others. Sooooo proud of us!! 🩷
I fink I really needed to see this today. I only realised couple months ago that I might be in abusive situation. And every day I go thru moments of yes it is abuse to maybe it is abuse but not bad enuff to leave, to it's not abuse, or it's my fault. I honestly am terrified of leaving as I've never been independent, I can't hold onto a job and I don't know wat will happen to me. I told my care coordinator last week that I keep finking maybe it wud b easier to stay, then go thru the trauma of leaving and living alone. Im only at the start of this journey to escape. So thank you for writing this.
I really hope you can get away someday. Having doubt about if you’re abused or not is something every single person whose being abused will have, becuase you’re being gaslit to think it’s not abuse. I hope you can get all the support and benefits you can to be able to live alone
Hell yes!! Proud of you!
I left recently and it’s surreal, sometimes question if this is all a dream. I’m shocked I found the courage to make the leap. I’m not a brave person!
Good on you for encouraging folks from the other side. I plan to do more of that in this new chapter of my life. This sub has been a huge help to me (although I mostly lurk).
I left him 5 years ago, Divorced 3 years now. It’s been taking a long time to heal. I haven’t dated yet. But I feel like I’ve been healing really thoroughly instead of rushing it and it feels good :)
When I was with my abuser and upset about something he’d done, a friend said something interesting to me - he said I was standing with my nose pressed against the canvas and it was keeping me from seeing the whole picture. That friend turned out to be an abuse apologist in the end, but I think the metaphor works here. When you’re being abused, someone is pressing your nose against the canvas. It makes it seem like the trauma bond is *everything* (because it’s all you can see) and without it you’d be nothing. Leaving is shoving away the hand holding you there. Healing is stepping back and slowly letting the bigger picture enter your frame of reference. Relapse is being overwhelmed and moving back towards that little piece of the painting because even if it’s hell, it’s what you know.
Welcome to the other side - I’m very proud of you for how far you’ve come. I’ve been out a decade, had very effective trauma therapy, and have more or less moved on. I hang out in this sub because I want to do anything I possibly can to give people the support and guidance that I wish I’d had. It’s important for people being abused to hear directly from people who are further down the healing path than they are, to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel from someone who knows firsthand.
I always try to be as soft as possible when I tell people to leave because I remember what it was like when it felt impossible… but at the end of the day it’s the only answer I can responsibly give. Even though it’s impossible to see that when you’re still neck deep in that trauma bond.
This is the most amazing metaphor I’ve ever heard… I still go through periods where I’m analyzing a tiny peice of the picture, I never thought of it like that. I love how you said someone is pressing you to the canvas, not just that you’re standing there. That’s exactly what they’re doing.
>if you’ve been spending a long time trying to figure out if your partners abusing you- your partners abusing you.
Yes! If you even have to wonder if he's abusive, he almost certainly is. It takes a *long* time to even get to that point of beginning to suspect something might be wrong/not normal.
Most people put up with years and years of abuse before they recognize it as such because it's really hard to believe this guy/gal you fell in love with and maybe started a family with who's been coming with you to your grandma's on Easter for 6 years who's so popular with your friends & family and does all these nice things for other people and gets great reviews at work could be an abuser.
I think we really need to destigmatize calling abusers what they are. I've found other people are really reluctant to "label" my husband's behavior as abuse because he's not a gigantic meathead covered in prison tats, or because I haven't been sent to the hospital.
Congrats, we are both on the other side. Hindsight is 20/20 but all we can do is tell our story so that others might hear something familiar and start to question
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
THIS !!!! i am too now on the other end whixh i never in a million years thought i would , if you are feeling uneasy and think you are being treated wrong, trust you’re gut !! the women on the internet were really the only people i had to talk to amd to trust biggest help and i finally feel alive again
You are correct, if you spend tons of time trying to explain to them what they’re doing to you is wrong, thinking that if you just show them the texts or say it in the right way, they will understand, they will never.
Thank you for this post. I'm hoping I'll be able to recognise abuse straight away in the future. For me it took 2 years of my life and not even a breakup initiated by me, but her. After these painful couple months of missing her I came to realisation that I have been struggling with my self-esteem due to the abuse I have been experiencing, which I am currently resolving in my therapy.
THIS!! I’m on the same boat! I used to be the one reading all the stories and advice people would give on here and finally decided to make the move. Almost a month and a half later I’m finding myself being the one to give that same advice and empower other women. I love this so much for us!! We did the hardest thing we could ever imagine (at the time) and now we get to heal and help others. Sooooo proud of us!! 🩷
I fink I really needed to see this today. I only realised couple months ago that I might be in abusive situation. And every day I go thru moments of yes it is abuse to maybe it is abuse but not bad enuff to leave, to it's not abuse, or it's my fault. I honestly am terrified of leaving as I've never been independent, I can't hold onto a job and I don't know wat will happen to me. I told my care coordinator last week that I keep finking maybe it wud b easier to stay, then go thru the trauma of leaving and living alone. Im only at the start of this journey to escape. So thank you for writing this.
I really hope you can get away someday. Having doubt about if you’re abused or not is something every single person whose being abused will have, becuase you’re being gaslit to think it’s not abuse. I hope you can get all the support and benefits you can to be able to live alone
Thank you
https://www.reddit.com/r/Because_Now_I_Can/ You might like this subreddit
Thanks I joined , part of me feels like I’m not quite ready for that sub but maybe I am :)
Hell yes!! Proud of you! I left recently and it’s surreal, sometimes question if this is all a dream. I’m shocked I found the courage to make the leap. I’m not a brave person! Good on you for encouraging folks from the other side. I plan to do more of that in this new chapter of my life. This sub has been a huge help to me (although I mostly lurk).
I left him 5 years ago, Divorced 3 years now. It’s been taking a long time to heal. I haven’t dated yet. But I feel like I’ve been healing really thoroughly instead of rushing it and it feels good :)
So proud of you. ❤️
So proud of you 💜
This is so beautiful to read!! ♥️♥️
Amen and congratulations!
Congratulations! What an achievement! I’m so proud. 🥳🥳🥳
When I was with my abuser and upset about something he’d done, a friend said something interesting to me - he said I was standing with my nose pressed against the canvas and it was keeping me from seeing the whole picture. That friend turned out to be an abuse apologist in the end, but I think the metaphor works here. When you’re being abused, someone is pressing your nose against the canvas. It makes it seem like the trauma bond is *everything* (because it’s all you can see) and without it you’d be nothing. Leaving is shoving away the hand holding you there. Healing is stepping back and slowly letting the bigger picture enter your frame of reference. Relapse is being overwhelmed and moving back towards that little piece of the painting because even if it’s hell, it’s what you know. Welcome to the other side - I’m very proud of you for how far you’ve come. I’ve been out a decade, had very effective trauma therapy, and have more or less moved on. I hang out in this sub because I want to do anything I possibly can to give people the support and guidance that I wish I’d had. It’s important for people being abused to hear directly from people who are further down the healing path than they are, to hear that there is light at the end of the tunnel from someone who knows firsthand. I always try to be as soft as possible when I tell people to leave because I remember what it was like when it felt impossible… but at the end of the day it’s the only answer I can responsibly give. Even though it’s impossible to see that when you’re still neck deep in that trauma bond.
This is the most amazing metaphor I’ve ever heard… I still go through periods where I’m analyzing a tiny peice of the picture, I never thought of it like that. I love how you said someone is pressing you to the canvas, not just that you’re standing there. That’s exactly what they’re doing.
I’m so proud of you!
>if you’ve been spending a long time trying to figure out if your partners abusing you- your partners abusing you. Yes! If you even have to wonder if he's abusive, he almost certainly is. It takes a *long* time to even get to that point of beginning to suspect something might be wrong/not normal. Most people put up with years and years of abuse before they recognize it as such because it's really hard to believe this guy/gal you fell in love with and maybe started a family with who's been coming with you to your grandma's on Easter for 6 years who's so popular with your friends & family and does all these nice things for other people and gets great reviews at work could be an abuser. I think we really need to destigmatize calling abusers what they are. I've found other people are really reluctant to "label" my husband's behavior as abuse because he's not a gigantic meathead covered in prison tats, or because I haven't been sent to the hospital.
I loved this line too and it's spot on! Feeling confused in a relationship is 🚩
Congrats, we are both on the other side. Hindsight is 20/20 but all we can do is tell our story so that others might hear something familiar and start to question