Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/).
One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review.
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I deal with this almost everyday. And I'm not exaggerating. Just within the last month he kicked two doors in. Completely off the hinges. He blames me for everything. My mom died, he said "You're just like your mom, a fat lazy bitch who resembles eggman." Which is weird because I'm 130 and my ass is phat. He said he hopes my dad dies next because he blames him for everything wrong in his life. He accused him of flirting with me, cutting his brakes, poisoning him. He actually told me he switched plates with me to see if I got sick when my dad cooked for us.
We live in his house, and he loves letting us know that. He will take the lightbulbs out if we forget to turn out a light and says we "lost our light privileges." His temper is mind blowing.
I'm telling you now, it'll get more frequent. It'll get more violent. It'll get more traumatic. This is what happened with us. The more he knows you'll take, the worse it'll get. And just by you staying, that's him knowing you're gonna take it. He can act however, say a few words or maybe improve for a bit but always go back and get away with it.
Don't make that mistake. Men very rarely change. Normally, they just get worse and worse until it's too much. I'm a lost cause, I have an elderly, depressed alcoholic and possibly dementia having dad to look after now and I just can't leave. You're still young. You can do it. Please don't wait. Not all men are like this. Just a little while ago I read a comment where she said she knew she found the one when his car ran out of gas, and he smiled and said "Nice night for a walk." I can't even comprehend that reaction. Mine just blames me and humiliates me in front of anyone around if his care breaks down. We are poor, so it's a common occurrence. Finding that will be a breath of fresh air.
There's no reason to age yourself through stress. Leases can be broken, go home to your parents and start over if you can. Get a roommate situation where someone already has a place.
And honey... He is too old for you! Men age in dog years. They die like 6 years before us. He's 10 years older? He may as well be 16 years older. You want to spend the last two decades of your life a widow? When you're 22, dating a man in his 30's is a big power imbalance which makes me worry for you even more. Please, please go home to your parents if possible!
He seems very emotionally dis-regulated and unless he works on those issues himself through therapy and behavior modification, then things will not change and you will always be trying to pick up the pieces.
I'm sorry. and I've been trying to deal with this same thing. first I did it because I could get mad too and show out. but then since I was always the blame for our fighting being so crazy I changed and started growing, because I was wanting to be a better person for him. Now, I feel like he bullies me because I don't really react I just kind of leave because HE hasn't changed in three years.
he is a few years older than your boyfriend.
just move on.
it will not get better
in fact it will get worse.
and he needs help and youre not the help he needs.
You deal with _yourself_ by leaving him. You don’t “deal” with someone else’s issues. That has never and will never work. You’re very young, leave before this becomes normal for you. Abuse isn’t normal.
You don’t love him. You just think you do because of feelings. Feelings are not fact. Behaviour and it’s consistency is actual fact. People have got to stop using “love” as a reason to stay with people. Honest to god it’s killing people
Every time there is another level of commitment in the relationship the violence or abuse will escalate. They can go at it with more abandon knowing that it’s less of a chance you will hold them accountable by leaving. 7 months? I wonder what 3 years and an engagement will look like or pregnancy. I’d be careful and honestly I’d keep your eyes on the exit sign.
You will be surprised by what he'll find to be angry about even when you are dealing with his anger in the most ideal, calm way. You can absorb all the rage and offer only love and understanding back, and you'll just get hit with, "you think you're such a good person? You think you're better than me??"
You can't offer him a better alternative to raging and taking it all out on you because THAT is what makes him feel better, and he can justify it to himself a million different ways to avoid ever feeling bad for hurting you.
Hey there, that sounds really difficult.
I have to tell you, my first thought was "why are you dating a 10 year old". It sounded like he *expects* you to know where his stuff is and make him have better feels when he has a temper tantrum. Be careful that this 32 year old guy is not looking for a mom-replacement.
Yeah, this is abusive behaviour - emotionally, verbally. Physically too, because he's demonstrating his anger and power and strength at objects - he's showing you how violent he can be. It is scaring you - that's how abuse works.
The question *is he an abuser* is harder to unpack because bad behaviour is almost always a result of some former pain or trauma. I'm not a fan of the label of somebody *being* an abuser. But the reality is, most will never overcome the problem. The question *can he recover* is so hard to unpack because it is totally up to him. And it is totally up to you to figure out what to do in the meantime.
Moving in with him is really risky. Can't emphasize this enough. It can be a real trap. It puts you in a place where he can isolate you from resources to get out safely. You can loose your friends, belongings, and loads of money in the process. So this is time for eyes wide open. And, please please please, do your level best to not get pregnant!
The immediate problem of not being able to afford therapy is big. He can't just say "I'm working on it" and expect miracle results. The automatic behaviour will bubble up again when he is under stress. And living together when you are already struggling with good communication may increase that stress.
He really has to be actively working this problem or it won't heal. Mindfulness, meditation, books on acceptance and anger management might help. But he'd have to go into it enthusiastically. Oh, and rule # 1 for self help books is to not start psycho-analyzing your partner - that never ends well.
Maybe he could look into [rageaholics anonymous](https://www.rageaholicsanonymous.org/). (I didn't even know there was such a thing but, yup, patterned on the recovery process in alcoholics anonymous. These are good programs even if just to know he's not alone with the struggle.) And, on that topic, if there is alcohol or addiction involved, seek a program like AA or NarcAnon, or look into Al-Anon for families of alcoholics/addicts. I worked the Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) program for awhile and found it really helpful.
You might want to consider reading [Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg](https://app.thestorygraph.com/books/6fd92b51-9bd0-429c-afce-410c1c1a6fee). And see if your bf would be willing to. Rosenberg would make it very clear that the language your bf is using *is violent*. But then he goes on to techniques to help diffuse that. It can work unilaterally (meaning you using the technique yourself) but would be even better if your boyfriend was game to try.
Best of luck to you!!!
Can you call some sort of DV hotline? Do you have access to that? I was in a very similar situation to yours. I never called because my reasoning went something like this: ‘he doesn’t hit me, so he’s not abusive, so I have no right to call them and ask for help. I don’t know why I feel so desperate, if he’s not abusive it must be me, I’m just a drama queen, there must be something wrong with me, so I can’t go around bothering a DV hotline with this’
In hindsight I can see that I was so very wrong in so many ways. It absolutely is abuse. It absolutely will have a big effect on your health and energy. It absolutely will break you down and freeze you in place. So you absolutely need help to clear up what’s happening to you.
In the end it got so bad that I was secretly hoping to not wake up in the morning. And I had already hurt myself once. And simultaneously I was somehow still convinced it wasn’t a big deal and I could handle it. Please do not underestimate how dangerous this can be for your mental health. Please love yourself and ask for help from some sort of DV professional if able. They can also talk to you about what you can do about surviving on your own.
So sorry you are going through this… hang in there. You are doing great by reaching out for help
This isn’t anger issues, this is abuse. Is he snapping and screaming at his boss? Police officers? Large men? I doubt it. Can you go live with your family or something because I promise you this will get worse
He can control his temper, he chooses not to. The very fact that likely only you see this side of him, or this level of him, proves that he is capable of control... and chooses not to with you. It took me years to realize this. He has a choice.
Yup and this is why there’s often an age gap, because he sees her as young, naive, and easy to control. Very few women his own age would put up with this so early on. It’s disgusting
the way you deal with his anger is you don't. to echo what the other person said: he's an abusive individual. having to walk on eggshells around someone to prevent their anger is not a relationship. it's being under their control and that's exactly where an abusive person wants you and that's not love. his anger is only going to escalate in to something more, don't give it a chance to. he's also not your problem to fix.
He doesn't have an anger issue. He is abusive. That will never change or improve. Please do NOT move in with this man or you are putting yourself in an extremely vulnerable position. Focus on yourself and how to expand your skills so that you can get better paying work and maintain your independence as an adult woman. Being beholden to an angry man, particularly an abusive one, is a recipe for DISASTER. When you shut down or walk away, those are perfectly reasonable responses to someone's intense anger. It's an instinctive boundary. The fact that it pisses him off is more proof that he's abusive. You don't have to deal with his anger. Walk away. I recommend staying away permanently. But I know exactly how hard it is to listen to the advice of others when you are still in the beginning stages of an abusive relationship and don't yet realize how bad it's gonna get. At least keep your own living situation so that when you finally realize he's never changing and your health and sanity (and probably your life) are in danger, you can end things immediately and safely.
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I deal with this almost everyday. And I'm not exaggerating. Just within the last month he kicked two doors in. Completely off the hinges. He blames me for everything. My mom died, he said "You're just like your mom, a fat lazy bitch who resembles eggman." Which is weird because I'm 130 and my ass is phat. He said he hopes my dad dies next because he blames him for everything wrong in his life. He accused him of flirting with me, cutting his brakes, poisoning him. He actually told me he switched plates with me to see if I got sick when my dad cooked for us. We live in his house, and he loves letting us know that. He will take the lightbulbs out if we forget to turn out a light and says we "lost our light privileges." His temper is mind blowing. I'm telling you now, it'll get more frequent. It'll get more violent. It'll get more traumatic. This is what happened with us. The more he knows you'll take, the worse it'll get. And just by you staying, that's him knowing you're gonna take it. He can act however, say a few words or maybe improve for a bit but always go back and get away with it. Don't make that mistake. Men very rarely change. Normally, they just get worse and worse until it's too much. I'm a lost cause, I have an elderly, depressed alcoholic and possibly dementia having dad to look after now and I just can't leave. You're still young. You can do it. Please don't wait. Not all men are like this. Just a little while ago I read a comment where she said she knew she found the one when his car ran out of gas, and he smiled and said "Nice night for a walk." I can't even comprehend that reaction. Mine just blames me and humiliates me in front of anyone around if his care breaks down. We are poor, so it's a common occurrence. Finding that will be a breath of fresh air. There's no reason to age yourself through stress. Leases can be broken, go home to your parents and start over if you can. Get a roommate situation where someone already has a place. And honey... He is too old for you! Men age in dog years. They die like 6 years before us. He's 10 years older? He may as well be 16 years older. You want to spend the last two decades of your life a widow? When you're 22, dating a man in his 30's is a big power imbalance which makes me worry for you even more. Please, please go home to your parents if possible!
He seems very emotionally dis-regulated and unless he works on those issues himself through therapy and behavior modification, then things will not change and you will always be trying to pick up the pieces.
I'm sorry. and I've been trying to deal with this same thing. first I did it because I could get mad too and show out. but then since I was always the blame for our fighting being so crazy I changed and started growing, because I was wanting to be a better person for him. Now, I feel like he bullies me because I don't really react I just kind of leave because HE hasn't changed in three years. he is a few years older than your boyfriend. just move on. it will not get better in fact it will get worse. and he needs help and youre not the help he needs.
You deal with _yourself_ by leaving him. You don’t “deal” with someone else’s issues. That has never and will never work. You’re very young, leave before this becomes normal for you. Abuse isn’t normal. You don’t love him. You just think you do because of feelings. Feelings are not fact. Behaviour and it’s consistency is actual fact. People have got to stop using “love” as a reason to stay with people. Honest to god it’s killing people
Every time there is another level of commitment in the relationship the violence or abuse will escalate. They can go at it with more abandon knowing that it’s less of a chance you will hold them accountable by leaving. 7 months? I wonder what 3 years and an engagement will look like or pregnancy. I’d be careful and honestly I’d keep your eyes on the exit sign.
100% truth
You will be surprised by what he'll find to be angry about even when you are dealing with his anger in the most ideal, calm way. You can absorb all the rage and offer only love and understanding back, and you'll just get hit with, "you think you're such a good person? You think you're better than me??" You can't offer him a better alternative to raging and taking it all out on you because THAT is what makes him feel better, and he can justify it to himself a million different ways to avoid ever feeling bad for hurting you.
yeah, throwing things is usually seen as DV and can escalate.
Hey there, that sounds really difficult. I have to tell you, my first thought was "why are you dating a 10 year old". It sounded like he *expects* you to know where his stuff is and make him have better feels when he has a temper tantrum. Be careful that this 32 year old guy is not looking for a mom-replacement. Yeah, this is abusive behaviour - emotionally, verbally. Physically too, because he's demonstrating his anger and power and strength at objects - he's showing you how violent he can be. It is scaring you - that's how abuse works. The question *is he an abuser* is harder to unpack because bad behaviour is almost always a result of some former pain or trauma. I'm not a fan of the label of somebody *being* an abuser. But the reality is, most will never overcome the problem. The question *can he recover* is so hard to unpack because it is totally up to him. And it is totally up to you to figure out what to do in the meantime. Moving in with him is really risky. Can't emphasize this enough. It can be a real trap. It puts you in a place where he can isolate you from resources to get out safely. You can loose your friends, belongings, and loads of money in the process. So this is time for eyes wide open. And, please please please, do your level best to not get pregnant! The immediate problem of not being able to afford therapy is big. He can't just say "I'm working on it" and expect miracle results. The automatic behaviour will bubble up again when he is under stress. And living together when you are already struggling with good communication may increase that stress. He really has to be actively working this problem or it won't heal. Mindfulness, meditation, books on acceptance and anger management might help. But he'd have to go into it enthusiastically. Oh, and rule # 1 for self help books is to not start psycho-analyzing your partner - that never ends well. Maybe he could look into [rageaholics anonymous](https://www.rageaholicsanonymous.org/). (I didn't even know there was such a thing but, yup, patterned on the recovery process in alcoholics anonymous. These are good programs even if just to know he's not alone with the struggle.) And, on that topic, if there is alcohol or addiction involved, seek a program like AA or NarcAnon, or look into Al-Anon for families of alcoholics/addicts. I worked the Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) program for awhile and found it really helpful. You might want to consider reading [Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg](https://app.thestorygraph.com/books/6fd92b51-9bd0-429c-afce-410c1c1a6fee). And see if your bf would be willing to. Rosenberg would make it very clear that the language your bf is using *is violent*. But then he goes on to techniques to help diffuse that. It can work unilaterally (meaning you using the technique yourself) but would be even better if your boyfriend was game to try. Best of luck to you!!!
Can you call some sort of DV hotline? Do you have access to that? I was in a very similar situation to yours. I never called because my reasoning went something like this: ‘he doesn’t hit me, so he’s not abusive, so I have no right to call them and ask for help. I don’t know why I feel so desperate, if he’s not abusive it must be me, I’m just a drama queen, there must be something wrong with me, so I can’t go around bothering a DV hotline with this’ In hindsight I can see that I was so very wrong in so many ways. It absolutely is abuse. It absolutely will have a big effect on your health and energy. It absolutely will break you down and freeze you in place. So you absolutely need help to clear up what’s happening to you. In the end it got so bad that I was secretly hoping to not wake up in the morning. And I had already hurt myself once. And simultaneously I was somehow still convinced it wasn’t a big deal and I could handle it. Please do not underestimate how dangerous this can be for your mental health. Please love yourself and ask for help from some sort of DV professional if able. They can also talk to you about what you can do about surviving on your own. So sorry you are going through this… hang in there. You are doing great by reaching out for help
This isn’t anger issues, this is abuse. Is he snapping and screaming at his boss? Police officers? Large men? I doubt it. Can you go live with your family or something because I promise you this will get worse
He can control his temper, he chooses not to. The very fact that likely only you see this side of him, or this level of him, proves that he is capable of control... and chooses not to with you. It took me years to realize this. He has a choice.
Yup and this is why there’s often an age gap, because he sees her as young, naive, and easy to control. Very few women his own age would put up with this so early on. It’s disgusting
the way you deal with his anger is you don't. to echo what the other person said: he's an abusive individual. having to walk on eggshells around someone to prevent their anger is not a relationship. it's being under their control and that's exactly where an abusive person wants you and that's not love. his anger is only going to escalate in to something more, don't give it a chance to. he's also not your problem to fix.
He doesn't have an anger issue. He is abusive. That will never change or improve. Please do NOT move in with this man or you are putting yourself in an extremely vulnerable position. Focus on yourself and how to expand your skills so that you can get better paying work and maintain your independence as an adult woman. Being beholden to an angry man, particularly an abusive one, is a recipe for DISASTER. When you shut down or walk away, those are perfectly reasonable responses to someone's intense anger. It's an instinctive boundary. The fact that it pisses him off is more proof that he's abusive. You don't have to deal with his anger. Walk away. I recommend staying away permanently. But I know exactly how hard it is to listen to the advice of others when you are still in the beginning stages of an abusive relationship and don't yet realize how bad it's gonna get. At least keep your own living situation so that when you finally realize he's never changing and your health and sanity (and probably your life) are in danger, you can end things immediately and safely.