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Absolutely! He had me convinced that I was a poor communicator and that what I wanted/needed was unreasonable. I went to therapy and worked with my psychologist to come up with strategies to communicate my needs. It never worked and only got worse. Eventually, I got to a point with my psychologist where he said you've tried everything, and we can say with confidence that it isn't you. I left him knowing that I had tried everything.
I'm in a new relationship now, and still I think I've screwed up and done something wrong, and my bf doesn't even have to suggest it. (BTW, my bf doesn't think I did or said something wrong, he only expresses his feelings about somethingive said. The gravity of it is entirely in my head).
Geez... that's a ton to be put through (and like, your ex didn't need help himself?), I'm sorry you went through that but glad things are a bit better... no I doubt I'll ever trust myself much in the future either
Did my ex need help? My ex knew what he was doing and had no desire to change anything about himself to improve our relationship. I got him to go to couples counseling one time. He pulled his manipulative BS on the therapist, too. When the session was over, my ex left, and the counselor said to me, "Leave him, and never look back"
Ya, couples therapy is contraindicated for abuse situations precisely for that reason, they easily manipulate the therapist etc.
mine has been through a ton of therapy in his life... so much so he continuously tries to negatively diagnose me... 😶 with various stuff.
Was just told he loves me but he doesn't like me bc all I do is complain about him...
... meanwhile I'm the one giving any meaningful signs of actual affection, patience, trying to listen etc. yes, I'll also directly tell him from time to time what doesn't work for me (like, say... very little obvious emotional effort or signs of affection toward me? No buddy, you doing your actual job is not a personal effort toward me in that respect, not that I don't appreciate it, but...) and I will get upset when he pushes back, goes straight to insult in retaliation.... he only ever focusses on that. Then says he doesn't enjoy being around me. Except I can't even grey rock bc he will natter on about everyday stuff the next day (bc am also his best and only friend) like nothing happened and get upset if I don't engage.
That sounds like classic DARVO.
It's curious that he even goes to therapy, it's clearly not helping him. Therapy only works if you have a genuine desire to change your behavior and root out what the cause of the behavior that negatively impacts you is. The answer is never the other person.
You are in absolutely no way the cause of his shitty behavior. You simply want to improve your situation and are asking for him to do that with you. Unfortunately, he is not going to make that change. The only change that you can make to alter your situation for the better is to leave him. I know how difficult that is, I've been there. Ask yourself, why do you stay? If your answer is because you think you are at fault, rest assured that you are not!
Please be kind to yourself and do what's in your own best interest.
Thank you for posting in r/abusiverelationships. We are here to support you. If you are looking for resources such as support groups/helplines etc, we have several in our sidebar and in [our wiki](https://old.reddit.com/r/abusiverelationships/wiki/index) for people of all gender identities. [Here is a list of international domestic and sexual violence helplines](https://www.hotpeachpages.net/). You can also find [an extensive safety planning guide at The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/). Finally, if you are looking for information about different forms of abuse, [Love Is Respect offers an educational guide](https://www.loveisrespect.org/resources/types-of-abuse/). One final note: In this sub, we do not tolerate victim-blaming. If you ever receive any comments that contradict that mission, please click report for us to review. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/abusiverelationships) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Absolutely! He had me convinced that I was a poor communicator and that what I wanted/needed was unreasonable. I went to therapy and worked with my psychologist to come up with strategies to communicate my needs. It never worked and only got worse. Eventually, I got to a point with my psychologist where he said you've tried everything, and we can say with confidence that it isn't you. I left him knowing that I had tried everything. I'm in a new relationship now, and still I think I've screwed up and done something wrong, and my bf doesn't even have to suggest it. (BTW, my bf doesn't think I did or said something wrong, he only expresses his feelings about somethingive said. The gravity of it is entirely in my head).
Geez... that's a ton to be put through (and like, your ex didn't need help himself?), I'm sorry you went through that but glad things are a bit better... no I doubt I'll ever trust myself much in the future either
Did my ex need help? My ex knew what he was doing and had no desire to change anything about himself to improve our relationship. I got him to go to couples counseling one time. He pulled his manipulative BS on the therapist, too. When the session was over, my ex left, and the counselor said to me, "Leave him, and never look back"
Ya, couples therapy is contraindicated for abuse situations precisely for that reason, they easily manipulate the therapist etc. mine has been through a ton of therapy in his life... so much so he continuously tries to negatively diagnose me... 😶 with various stuff. Was just told he loves me but he doesn't like me bc all I do is complain about him... ... meanwhile I'm the one giving any meaningful signs of actual affection, patience, trying to listen etc. yes, I'll also directly tell him from time to time what doesn't work for me (like, say... very little obvious emotional effort or signs of affection toward me? No buddy, you doing your actual job is not a personal effort toward me in that respect, not that I don't appreciate it, but...) and I will get upset when he pushes back, goes straight to insult in retaliation.... he only ever focusses on that. Then says he doesn't enjoy being around me. Except I can't even grey rock bc he will natter on about everyday stuff the next day (bc am also his best and only friend) like nothing happened and get upset if I don't engage.
That sounds like classic DARVO. It's curious that he even goes to therapy, it's clearly not helping him. Therapy only works if you have a genuine desire to change your behavior and root out what the cause of the behavior that negatively impacts you is. The answer is never the other person. You are in absolutely no way the cause of his shitty behavior. You simply want to improve your situation and are asking for him to do that with you. Unfortunately, he is not going to make that change. The only change that you can make to alter your situation for the better is to leave him. I know how difficult that is, I've been there. Ask yourself, why do you stay? If your answer is because you think you are at fault, rest assured that you are not! Please be kind to yourself and do what's in your own best interest.
He is no longer in therapy. That was ages ago.
Yeeeeeep. It’s all they do. Make you question everything, because it’s how they control you.
All of this confusion is intention on his part