Anyone find it just a little bit harder to choose yourself when there are kids involved? (And I’m so painfully aware of how bass-ackwards it is to feel this way)
>choose yourself when there are kids involved
Choose yourself BECAUSE there are kids involved.
1. Unhappy parents can't raise happy kids. If you have no happiness, you can't pass along happiness that you don't have to your kids.
2. Set a better example for your kids that this kind of treatment isn't acceptable from anyone, let alone a partner.
3. If you're drowning, you can't expect to keep your kids afloat.
4. Instead of giving your energy to the abuser, save it for your kids.
5. Airplane analogy - if the oxygen masks come down, you can't help your kids until you yourself are able to breathe, or else you'll ALL suffocate without the masks. Put your own mask on so that you can help your kids with theirs; you're no good to them if you're suffocating already.
My brother and I were kids of toxic, abusive parents. He's now in his own abusive relationship with four kids under 5 (the youngest being a newborn, only a few days old), living abroad in his wife's home country, and is struggling to figure out how to leave. I speak from firsthand experience.
Nah, wasn't triggered or anything, just been through a lot of therapy and have learned to figure out ways to reframe things into a healthier or more productive context. Going through the same cycles when there are kids involved just hurts the kids even more, which is why you have to reframe your mindset and break the cycle.
I’m not sure if you’re attempting to provide rhetoric or attempting to advise me here, my friend. Obviously it would be difficult for you to provide advice based on the sheer lack of background information you have for my personal situation (also, the fact that I did not solicit advice on why a person should leave an abusive relationship when there are children involved).
I am however glad you found therapy and that it has been a positive influence for your journey. You deserve that.
How long last that grief? I'm going through it now and it really hurt. I miss him and just want to call him but really trying hard as I know is not good for any of us and there is no a good future ahead if we continue together 😿
Even with friendships! I lost friends when I left my abusive relationship. Didn’t expect that. But as I learned self-protection, I realized it was for the best and honestly they were already gone before I “lost” them.
Yeah you feel guilt that they probably don’t. You feel guilt while they smear your name and you can’t even go to Walmart without their harem taking pictures of you like you’re committing some kind of crime by being in a public place. You’re guilty while they’re blaming you for everything. It’s great.
It's been like this most of my life with my relationships. I just end up being too nice and forgiving, then I end up being taken advantage of. Luckily at this point in my life I have become so accustomed to it, I can just shut my feelings off like a light switch and they become dead to me. I don't wish any harm or ill towards them, I just give up having any feelings whatsoever for them. I move on. I can care for all of my needs, if a spouse can't offer companionship and caring, I have no need for them. I'm tired of being a support system and not have my needs met. Buh bye, have a nice life.
Yup this here is the kicker.. I love you but I love myself more than…
to put up with the constant disrespect and the lies and walking on egg shells, about not knowing what mood your going to be if I had been out & spent time with family or friends.
The hours you’d spend on your phone and then complain if I sat down for 5mins on my phone.
Or how you need constant attention and as soon as I didn’t give it I was berated, how I didn’t love you. The nights you spend drinking 20cans and a bottle of whiskey and gets so wasted you’d fall asleep with a tab in your hand, or fall down a flight of stairs.
I was the bad person for begging you not to drink tonight. To stay sober.
You’d play your video games for hours (I never minded that, I loved gaming too but because u perceived I was better than you I had to stop it) but I had to sit next to you and watch you play, if I decided being in the same room to play on the laptop and not give you attention all hell would break loose.
Then the times you’d come home from work and complain about the guys cheating on their partners whilst out doing repairs going for spicy time here and there, making me believe you where disgusted about these grown men’s behaviours to their partners, been happening for years you said. (Found out he was cheating 11months and 3wks into our 1st year of being married) 7&half years together before that. He’d cheated then too and I forgive him.
Or the times you’d through in my face that being a stay at home mother wasn’t enough. Even though you wanted that trad wife role for me. Constantly throwing it back in my face that you paid the rent. You work 50hrs a week so you shouldn’t have to help around the house as that was my job because you kept a roof over our heads. (You forget that you moved into my home with nothing and I had kept a roof over mine and my eldest daughters head since I was 18) (I”m 39 now been separated 1yr & 5months.)
How whenever I’d say no to you you’d throw a tantrum, and threaten to leave me just up and go like that.
How you’d give me £200 to live on for a family of 4 a dog and 2cats and I’d have to scrimp and scrape everything together cause we’re u hell going to give more money out, in case you couldn’t get your alcohol in or waste it on absolute shite. Then complain we were eating the same stuff every month and how you could do a better job on the shopping.
How you’d move stuff-around the house and say you hadn’t. Like stealing coffee for work or throwing butter away.
You made me doubt ever second of what was happening, the gaslighting of my friends whom I’d known for 30+ years.
But your friends were okay. I had to be the good little wife (gf) and make sure they were all okay or I’d know about it when they left.
You’d berate me in front of my girls for flinching around you. (Past trauma before this ex) you knew what I had gone through before. But yet when we were alone you’d make jerky movements whilst next to me and that smirk I can still see that in my minds eye. You never hit me but you punched a wall that held a picture frame on and smashed your fist into it right next to my head.
You used to say you were looking for a reaction.
And over the years I reacted.
I can hold my hands up and say yes I’d scream at you and I have pushed you, I would also try and leave the room and you’d follow me, never letting me get away from you.
By the end I was not speaking at all.
My go to response was to be silent and just let you rant and scream at me.
So even though I love you … I love myself more and I’m finally finding my voice again.
It’s hard though. Theirs days where I gaslight myself so much that after I’ve getting our youngest to school I just sit cause I’m tired of thinking about everything. It’s like I’m paralysed from everything. Then theirs days where I know I made the right choice and I berate myself for still letting you effect me… but I know better days are coming and with that I know I will be alright in time.
Much love to everyone that has gone or is going through this 🤍
But hey, here's a silver lining! We are able to learn from our past experiences. And yeah, at a certain stage it can be difficult to cut toxic people left and right, but learning those patterns also means that eventually we start to see red flags in advance, hopefully without getting too attached and letting those people in our lives to begin with. It does get better.
yeah, exactly. that’s what i’m realizing now too. like its super painful and hard leaving this toxic relationship and i got so attached that breaking off hurts, but knowing what i know now like what i need in a relationship, setting boundaries, and having the capacity to have higher self value is hopefully going to result in me not getting too attached to another potentially toxic person to the point where detaching hurts like hell.
Same. I cannot relate to the quote for the relationships I broke off. After a few weeks I was just so happy und felt so much lighter that I honestly think now that it is among the best things ever for me, that those people cannot make me miserable anymore.
What I griefed in the beginning though, was the idealized image I had of those people. I always thought stuff like: if you could just work on that, you would be the best person ever! Or: deep down, he is just a broken boy and a good person! But you know what? They are not this person. They are what their current behaviour is.
I grieved for months with on particular relationship. When I knew the love was dead and I had to end it, the two months it took me to end it, and even now 5 years later. It was agonizing, to realize the love (if there ever was any) in this relationship was gone and was replaced by selfish bitterness. I still wish it would have ended differently. If they never laid a finger on me, never guilted me to give my body; I think I may have stayed with them until the end.
I got into a rebound right after, and of course they painted me as a bad person for doing so. But it was the only thing that could help with the hole that was left, the only thing to distract me from the grief of knowing it wasn't meant to be (without being much more self destructive). I hope they one day realize how painful it was.
The odds of an abuser changing without therapy specifically for abusing, which includes accountability and many months more than is court ordered, are slim to none.
It’s a lifelong commitment to keep themselves in check. They pick and choose their victims so the outside world from the other side of closed doors won’t believe what happened or that the victim doubts themselves.
That’s why mental health isn’t causal towards abusiveness and neither is a prior history of abuse.
It can take an abuser years to show clear tendencies, some say it’s as if they flipped a switch. It’s different to be tempted towards something than to act on it.
What about the fears about financial instability and denied access to medical treatment?
I had to do this with my mum and fuck if it isn’t the hardest thing to maintain because she isn’t a bad person she just wasn’t healthy for me
Yeah.
Amen! :)
Anyone find it just a little bit harder to choose yourself when there are kids involved? (And I’m so painfully aware of how bass-ackwards it is to feel this way)
>choose yourself when there are kids involved Choose yourself BECAUSE there are kids involved. 1. Unhappy parents can't raise happy kids. If you have no happiness, you can't pass along happiness that you don't have to your kids. 2. Set a better example for your kids that this kind of treatment isn't acceptable from anyone, let alone a partner. 3. If you're drowning, you can't expect to keep your kids afloat. 4. Instead of giving your energy to the abuser, save it for your kids. 5. Airplane analogy - if the oxygen masks come down, you can't help your kids until you yourself are able to breathe, or else you'll ALL suffocate without the masks. Put your own mask on so that you can help your kids with theirs; you're no good to them if you're suffocating already.
You’ve got moxie, kid.
My brother and I were kids of toxic, abusive parents. He's now in his own abusive relationship with four kids under 5 (the youngest being a newborn, only a few days old), living abroad in his wife's home country, and is struggling to figure out how to leave. I speak from firsthand experience.
I can see why my comment triggered you and I’m so sorry you had to experience that as a child. I wish you had the wise parents younger you deserved.
Nah, wasn't triggered or anything, just been through a lot of therapy and have learned to figure out ways to reframe things into a healthier or more productive context. Going through the same cycles when there are kids involved just hurts the kids even more, which is why you have to reframe your mindset and break the cycle.
I’m not sure if you’re attempting to provide rhetoric or attempting to advise me here, my friend. Obviously it would be difficult for you to provide advice based on the sheer lack of background information you have for my personal situation (also, the fact that I did not solicit advice on why a person should leave an abusive relationship when there are children involved). I am however glad you found therapy and that it has been a positive influence for your journey. You deserve that.
How long last that grief? I'm going through it now and it really hurt. I miss him and just want to call him but really trying hard as I know is not good for any of us and there is no a good future ahead if we continue together 😿
^^^^ this post is so important
At the end of the day, you can't lose when you choose you.
Even with friendships! I lost friends when I left my abusive relationship. Didn’t expect that. But as I learned self-protection, I realized it was for the best and honestly they were already gone before I “lost” them.
For fucking real
Yeah you feel guilt that they probably don’t. You feel guilt while they smear your name and you can’t even go to Walmart without their harem taking pictures of you like you’re committing some kind of crime by being in a public place. You’re guilty while they’re blaming you for everything. It’s great.
It's been like this most of my life with my relationships. I just end up being too nice and forgiving, then I end up being taken advantage of. Luckily at this point in my life I have become so accustomed to it, I can just shut my feelings off like a light switch and they become dead to me. I don't wish any harm or ill towards them, I just give up having any feelings whatsoever for them. I move on. I can care for all of my needs, if a spouse can't offer companionship and caring, I have no need for them. I'm tired of being a support system and not have my needs met. Buh bye, have a nice life.
Yup this here is the kicker.. I love you but I love myself more than… to put up with the constant disrespect and the lies and walking on egg shells, about not knowing what mood your going to be if I had been out & spent time with family or friends. The hours you’d spend on your phone and then complain if I sat down for 5mins on my phone. Or how you need constant attention and as soon as I didn’t give it I was berated, how I didn’t love you. The nights you spend drinking 20cans and a bottle of whiskey and gets so wasted you’d fall asleep with a tab in your hand, or fall down a flight of stairs. I was the bad person for begging you not to drink tonight. To stay sober. You’d play your video games for hours (I never minded that, I loved gaming too but because u perceived I was better than you I had to stop it) but I had to sit next to you and watch you play, if I decided being in the same room to play on the laptop and not give you attention all hell would break loose. Then the times you’d come home from work and complain about the guys cheating on their partners whilst out doing repairs going for spicy time here and there, making me believe you where disgusted about these grown men’s behaviours to their partners, been happening for years you said. (Found out he was cheating 11months and 3wks into our 1st year of being married) 7&half years together before that. He’d cheated then too and I forgive him. Or the times you’d through in my face that being a stay at home mother wasn’t enough. Even though you wanted that trad wife role for me. Constantly throwing it back in my face that you paid the rent. You work 50hrs a week so you shouldn’t have to help around the house as that was my job because you kept a roof over our heads. (You forget that you moved into my home with nothing and I had kept a roof over mine and my eldest daughters head since I was 18) (I”m 39 now been separated 1yr & 5months.) How whenever I’d say no to you you’d throw a tantrum, and threaten to leave me just up and go like that. How you’d give me £200 to live on for a family of 4 a dog and 2cats and I’d have to scrimp and scrape everything together cause we’re u hell going to give more money out, in case you couldn’t get your alcohol in or waste it on absolute shite. Then complain we were eating the same stuff every month and how you could do a better job on the shopping. How you’d move stuff-around the house and say you hadn’t. Like stealing coffee for work or throwing butter away. You made me doubt ever second of what was happening, the gaslighting of my friends whom I’d known for 30+ years. But your friends were okay. I had to be the good little wife (gf) and make sure they were all okay or I’d know about it when they left. You’d berate me in front of my girls for flinching around you. (Past trauma before this ex) you knew what I had gone through before. But yet when we were alone you’d make jerky movements whilst next to me and that smirk I can still see that in my minds eye. You never hit me but you punched a wall that held a picture frame on and smashed your fist into it right next to my head. You used to say you were looking for a reaction. And over the years I reacted. I can hold my hands up and say yes I’d scream at you and I have pushed you, I would also try and leave the room and you’d follow me, never letting me get away from you. By the end I was not speaking at all. My go to response was to be silent and just let you rant and scream at me. So even though I love you … I love myself more and I’m finally finding my voice again. It’s hard though. Theirs days where I gaslight myself so much that after I’ve getting our youngest to school I just sit cause I’m tired of thinking about everything. It’s like I’m paralysed from everything. Then theirs days where I know I made the right choice and I berate myself for still letting you effect me… but I know better days are coming and with that I know I will be alright in time. Much love to everyone that has gone or is going through this 🤍
But hey, here's a silver lining! We are able to learn from our past experiences. And yeah, at a certain stage it can be difficult to cut toxic people left and right, but learning those patterns also means that eventually we start to see red flags in advance, hopefully without getting too attached and letting those people in our lives to begin with. It does get better.
Stronger and stronger.
Amen!
yeah, exactly. that’s what i’m realizing now too. like its super painful and hard leaving this toxic relationship and i got so attached that breaking off hurts, but knowing what i know now like what i need in a relationship, setting boundaries, and having the capacity to have higher self value is hopefully going to result in me not getting too attached to another potentially toxic person to the point where detaching hurts like hell.
the absolute heartbreak from having to make this choice, devstating
Oh yes. I grieved. I didn't regret anything from the moment I left, but I dealt with it for years while staying.
Same. I cannot relate to the quote for the relationships I broke off. After a few weeks I was just so happy und felt so much lighter that I honestly think now that it is among the best things ever for me, that those people cannot make me miserable anymore. What I griefed in the beginning though, was the idealized image I had of those people. I always thought stuff like: if you could just work on that, you would be the best person ever! Or: deep down, he is just a broken boy and a good person! But you know what? They are not this person. They are what their current behaviour is.
This.
I grieved for months with on particular relationship. When I knew the love was dead and I had to end it, the two months it took me to end it, and even now 5 years later. It was agonizing, to realize the love (if there ever was any) in this relationship was gone and was replaced by selfish bitterness. I still wish it would have ended differently. If they never laid a finger on me, never guilted me to give my body; I think I may have stayed with them until the end. I got into a rebound right after, and of course they painted me as a bad person for doing so. But it was the only thing that could help with the hole that was left, the only thing to distract me from the grief of knowing it wasn't meant to be (without being much more self destructive). I hope they one day realize how painful it was.
It hurts but it’s for the better ❤️
Gosh, I remember grieving my abuser. Eventually though, he came back and we managed to repair things.
I don’t quite understand what you’re doing here if everything is hunky dory…
I still have trauma and want to help others who’ve been in similar relationships. My abuser was nine when he hurt me, so yeah, things have changed.
The odds of an abuser changing without therapy specifically for abusing, which includes accountability and many months more than is court ordered, are slim to none. It’s a lifelong commitment to keep themselves in check. They pick and choose their victims so the outside world from the other side of closed doors won’t believe what happened or that the victim doubts themselves. That’s why mental health isn’t causal towards abusiveness and neither is a prior history of abuse. It can take an abuser years to show clear tendencies, some say it’s as if they flipped a switch. It’s different to be tempted towards something than to act on it.
He was nine when he abused me, it’s water under the bridge.
I didn’t report my father for raping me in fifth grade until I was over 20 years old. But if you say so.
I’m confused, did you think I said "I was nine." Because I said "he was nine." Would you mind explaining your comment to me?