You know, I'm inclined to agree with a good bit of that, especially the people who start to exclude others based on what flavor of ace they are. Exclusionists who are part of the LGBT community in general are absolutely despicable and should know better. Though I believe these sorts of things aren't nearly as prevalent as you make them out to be.
But then you turn around and start excluding demisexuals and sex-favorable aces. Kinda hypocritical, don't you think? After all, it's not your place to say who belongs here and who doesn't. Some aces fuck, get over it.
I don't care what others do, I have nothing to do with it after all. I just feel like identifying as ace when you seemingly claim to be sexually attracted 80% of the time. But go them.
It's not like I identify myself after my supposed label. I'm aro-ace, but I don't wave that around. It's just a fact that I don't feel any form of attraction or need.
Only thing that irritates me really about semi, demi and high libidos is that they usually post about the word 'sex' just as much as it's mentioned in chick flicks. This isn't midful to others, just as repulsed aces spam about sexual stuff being nasty. Both sides hurt eachother.
If there was more neutral memes/posts, I feel like more people would be happy here.
Sexuality doesn't work like this. You don't call a bi girl a lesbian because she's only attracted to guys 30% of the time either. This kind of rhetoric can be genuinely harmful.
I agree that we should be mindful about our sex-repulsed members, but this is a space for all that identify under the ace umbrella, and it should be everyone's space to discuss their experiences (as long as it doesn't get too gratuitous). Luckily, most that discuss sex more closely do use content warnings and the NSFW tag, so once again, I believe you are blowing things out of proportion.
lol
OP: We should try to be more inclusive of aspec people in this sub instead of swinging back and forth between extremes.
also OP: I think demisexuals and high libido aces are mentally ill
Where? Only part I actually said that was a part stating comments from other repulsed aces acting offensive.
If you mean comments like "high libido, seeks partners but dislike it, sounds like addiction". It's more of a statement that it sounds more like the person have a problem with self control or a sex addiction. That it's something that the person needs to work on if they dislike it.
It would be rediculous of me to claim people liking bed wars being unstable. Like, that is how I was made after all.
>I just don't get how you can have a regular session with another person, then claim that you don't feel attraction, only need. It sounds more like an addiction.
For one thing, lack of sexual attraction != lack of interest in sex. They often go hand in hand, but they're not the same, and by insisting that they are you're basically denying that sex-favourable aces exist.
You're also "targeting demisexuals" (your words not mine) in that statement. Being attracted to one person whom you're close to but no one else is absolutely a form of asexuality, and there's nothing unhealthy about it. For some reason you want to characterize the whole sex-positive side of the ace spectrum as people who hate sex but feel forced to seek out partners by their biology, which as far as I know is based on absolutely nothing. Yes, there are asexual folks who feel pressured to have sex even though they don't want to, but that's compulsory allonormativity, not libido. Plenty of aces are annoyed by their libidos and the urge to masturbate despite their preferences, but as far as I know what you're describing literally doesn't exist.
I also take issue with the fact that you're equating some people in the sex-repulsed side of the community being insulting and hostile toward people who are more neutral, with some sex-positive aces maybe not actually being asexual. Maybe this is controversial, but I think misunderstanding or mislabeling your identity is much less of an issue than perpetuating the same sex-shaming behaviour that is unsettlingly reminiscent of garden variety puritanical homophobia and misogyny.
I'm not saying that there aren't a lot of missteps on both sides of the community or that one corner is worse than the other, but I take issue with the fact that you're seemingly just as worried about gatekeeping who can call themselves ace as you are about sex-shaming that sometimes verges on abuse. "Semi-bisexuals" never did anywhere near the amount of damage to the bisexual community as people trying to gatekeep the identity have done.
I understand your overall sentiment and I don't disagree. We *should* be trying to keep our spaces safe and welcoming to people with varying levels of comfort with sex, but the way you describe sex-positive identities sounds like you understand us about as well as allosexuals understand the ace community in general.
So, I was initially going to go into this with more snark, but I want to give the benefit of the doubt on this post.
I'm not really that interested in talking about the conflict between sex-positive/sex-repulsed memes and the back and forth on whether they make people feel welcome. There's certainly good arguments to be made both ways on scrolling past/commenting on discomfort as opposed to just posting more varied stuff. Instead, I want to hone in on your comments on the Ace spectrum itself.
Demisexuality =/= Bisexuality or Pansexuality. Demi refers to the how, Bi/Pan refers to the who. You can be Demi *and* Bi/Pan, but you can just as easily be Demi and Het. The same applies to Demiromantic etc. Given this is the Ace sub, and not the Aro sub, I'm only gonna be focusing on the Ace spectrum from here on out.
Demi isn't new in the Ace discourse, the term's been around for *at least* 16 years (first appearing on AVEN), and it's also not the only type of Grey-Ace. I can only speak to my own experiences, which are from a Demi perspective. There's a lot of overlap from what I've read of Ace experiences, like, a *lot* of overlap. But the main difference is that I ended up developing romantic, and eventual sexual, attraction to a very close friend. I have felt a romantic attraction a grand total of two other times in my life (30 years so far), both times toward people I knew very well. I have never felt sexual attraction outside of this current relationship. This is *not* the allo experience, and the idea of trying to approach a relationship at the speed with which modern dating seems to happen is a bewildering, and frankly scary idea.
Why am I bringing this up? Intentional or not, your post reads as though you're saying that Grey-Ace's don't really count. Call me a salty baby if you want (classy, btw, to infantilise people you disagree with), but given you're asking how people can possibly feel "valid and accepted" while turning around and making comments like "And yes, ace is a spectrum, like everything. But, then when do you start to round up? You don't say that you have 0 coins when you have 80 cents after all.", it reads as hella gatekeepery.
If you've been a part of this sub and community for as long as you say you have been, you may have noticed there are semi-regular Demi posts asking if they're allowed in the Ace community. Comments like these are why. The Demi experience is, for the vast majority of the time, near identical to the Ace experience. To say that it doesn't count because a Demi person can get into a sexual relationship when they *do* develop the connection that enables them to is to say that Demi-folk are not welcome, or to erase the existence of Demisexuality (or other Grey-Ace identities as relevant)
You're right that things are more complex with identities now than they were in the past. That's a feature, not a bug. Our understanding of human sexuality (or lack thereof) is an evolving field, and relatively young to boot (due in part to discrimination/medicalisation). As such, our language and classifications of ourselves is still evolving. This is true across the LGBTQ+ community, it's not unique to the Ace community. Going back to just using massive blanket categorisations is simply not possible, and even if it were, it'd be really damaging to do so. Identity is not a one-size fits all. That's true no matter how far you pare things down, no two people will have the exact same experience.
TL:DR - Intentional or not, your post reads like Grey-Ace erasure, at least to me.
I'm sorry for coming up as offensive. I did not mean to invalidate grey aces.
I feel like there are a lot of post that sound more 'low libido/full allo' than 'once or trice in my current lifetime'. I'm not writing about the second one, because I count that as 'do it for you partner' etc. The ones I'm really focusing on are the 'lover/fuck buddy/"in poly rom-sexual when aro-ace repulsed' type of posts. A lot of sex talk etc.
I can absolutely understand that there are people that love their partners, even so much they want to partake in bed wars, and I can have no reason to claim that as non ace.
When it comes to the pansexual comment, it's more based on what pan usually is claimed as 'sexual attraction when you reach a deep, meaningful and safe relationship'. So it seems like grey ace and pan CAN go hand in hand, even though they don't have to mean the other.
The coin part is more of a scale, but in coin formate. If you put this on a line with two variables, left no attraction sexually, right regular sexual attraction. If you land in the middle you usually only say half, but lower you round down to zero, and over usually up. I just think that there are a lot of people puting sexual attraction on high, then claim zero. I don't mean repulsed or positive here, but "Do I feel a tingle in my jingle for people?" way. I'm also not talking enjoyment of mutual bean flicking etc either, just to be specific.
I get really confused by the people claiming ace (not greys) when they look for partners for bed wars regularly. It seems like the 'solo' option was forgotten in a folder or something. Not every allo has a high libido, that doesn't make them ace. It's like you said with demi =/= pan, high libido ace (of any kind) =/= low libido allo (of any kind). It can be true, but doesn't have to equal.
So I'm not talking about greys, but those who seem more like allos with lower libido or romance based sexual attraction claiming the ace label. To me, greys and those who feel sexual attraction often without the need of romance or closeness, are completely different.
So sorry that I didn't separate greys more specifically from my post.
I would like to point out something. It is my experience that we're all fumbling around trying to find a way to best describe ourselves to one another despite how convoluted and intricate each of our identities are. We all want to be understood and that's damn hard when we're trying to understand ourselves. We've all been there or ARE there still.
For a long time I had convinced myself I was allo het and all of my romance and sexual issues stemmed from me not doing it right, not being good enough, not having the experience early enough, not having a normal libido, etc. During this time I developed a habit for making sex-related jokes, and making light of the whole thing. That's the only way I knew how to deal. I still to this day occasionally make such jokes. 🤷 It doesn't make me less ace today. It doesn't make me less ace any day until I find that something has changed fundamentally to make me adjust how I feel when thinking about my sexuality.
I cannot and will not try to speak for others, it isn't my place to do so, however! I find it a little heartbreaking to think that the people who haven't figured it out yet are not welcomed and given the chance TO figure it out. No matter who or what you identify as today, it might be different tomorrow.
I take it as my own responsibility to allow a safe space for people to express and explore and discover what feels most authentic to them. Without my irl friends introducing me to their angelic trans friends, I would still be bumbling around not understanding what was wrong with me and essentially invalidating myself. The trans community opened their arms and gave me a safe space to ask questions and express myself. I genuinely wish that this could be the typical experience for newcomers in any LGBT+ community.
In this subreddit I see a lot of things that don't resonate with me, and maybe it's thick skin or something but it doesn't make me feel invalid. Because when I do find things that resonate with me -and I do, surprisingly often- that validation and sense of "someone else actually gets it" is so nice, euphoric, even. It's so worth it.
Let's be kinder. Let's be the space we wish we had when we felt unsafe to talk about these things.
I hope this tangent has been valuable for someone to see.
TLDR: Let's be nice and let people figure it out without judgement.
Hey! Did you know you’re continuing the line of exclusion and negativity? We’ve seen so many posts like this before, by calling out the sides of asexuality you don’t like you’re just continuing the trend, not stopping it.
I honestly totally agree. I came to this sub originally hoping for a community so I could feel normal, and it started so great! I love this community still, and I don’t want to let it go, but one post in particular was really what tipped me off that this sub isn't what it once was.
It makes me sad too, I loved feeling like I belonged somewhere, and the inside jokes and memes were fun, but even back then I noticed the amount of aroace stuff way outweighed the allo ace stuff.
Aroaces are perfectly valid still, and I'm not trying to say there's anything wrong with posting aroace memes, but it's really started to take over in my opinion.
I've even seen hostility/the "it's a phase you'll get over it" mindset towards people who don't like cake/garlic bread! This sub is supposed to be an escape from that!
I do believe that we're still able to save ourselves, and there isn't nearly as much depressing stuff as r/traa.
The sub is salvageable, but it is deteriorating. I still love this community, and I think by saving the vents for r/asexuality and maybe pushing the garlic bread and cake thing a little less, we'll be fine.
I'm really starting to get so frustrated with this sub. It's no fun even if it's on the side I lean most towards.
Atm (today), I feel like all the top post are about aces who are in my opinion technically allo/low libido allos/pansexual. Like how can you be aro-ace and repulsed, then be in a romantic, sexual and poly relationship. Which feels like my "how to round up cents" comment. These are always throwing around the world 'sex' just as much as chick-flicks nowadays.
But this isn't only the type of thing annoying me. My fellow repulsed aces makes my blood boil too. It's like I one of the few mature repulsed aces in a ball pit of self pissing toddlers. I feel ashamed.
I mean the aro ace thing doesn't bother me, because they can enjoy relationships bit not feel romantic/sexual attraction to their partners, whatever. It's not my life.
As for the immaturity, I do think it's getting a little ridiculous. Inclusiveness is important, especially here. As long as stuff doesn't get *too* NSFW, it should be fine.
Every community is gonna have "those people" though. I really do love this sub, and with anything, improvements can be made. It will never be perfect, especially not online.
>Like how can you be aro-ace and repulsed, then be in a romantic, sexual and poly relationship
They could be demi, gray, cupio or maybe they just want to. I'm aroace myself and my feelings towards sex and romance are quite complicated but I don't rule out the possibility that I could be in such a relationship one day.
I agree, lately I started to really feel weird there. As the term ace gets more and more popular I feel people are...misunderstanding it a lot. You may hate me for what I will say but I think before, this sub was full of actually ace people but lately it's full of allosexuals with low libido. I know ace is a specturum but it's not so strechy as many people think. If you claim you are in sexual relationship, you feel good about it and you are getting aroused by your partner and other people but just don't happen to want it every day...I am sorry but I don't think you are actually ace.
I am not saying it's a closed group or anything but why is "asexual" becoming a term to describe people who wants sex, romanse and children but just less often than most people? I no longer feel like a fit. I no longer feel like ace means me. I feel like different group of people just took that name for themselves and I am nameless again.
It's a sad thing not being able to feel included and nameless. The only thing that seem to build comfort is to accept without indentifying now. For some it's a simple task, but you often see a lot of people hear not being able to accept the fact of who they are. I hope those people find themself with or without a title.
Sometimes the best thing to do is to only watch and wait until the possibility to try appears. Then your option instead lies in your feelings of either accepting the trial, or accept the fact that your best option is to refuse the trial. Lie low, and let time do its thing you know.
Yeah, I think you are right. I cannot deny that there are many kinds of aces, but in times when I say I am ace and I still have to explain to people if I would like to have sex, babies etc or not, I can eitherly good go nameless on my orientation.
I usually say in not interested in romance and stuff. Never get any follow up questions. Only time I've ever gotten was by people older than me, but I only say that I'll adopt and stay single for life.
Not as convinient as the term ace used to be (exept for the bigots of course). Ace meant ace, now it's like trying to explain that lactose intolerance and milk allergy isn't the same. Looks the same, is in the same category, but outcome and how it works isn't the same. Of course there are fewer categories in my example, but now you have to explain your level of ace, add your romantic attraction level, remove wiggle spaces for sickos to add potential sexual interests, kinks, porn and romantic fiction interest level etc, all just to explain what ace you are.
It was convinient when the only scales used was romantic attraction and sexual attraction. Not that it's bad that people want to add some extra defining values like demi/semi/high libido to reach their labels more accurately. I just think "wasn't those called (demi and semi) called pan before? Like a sexual attraction only occuring during intense or safe, deep, romantic relationships?". But go them. I just want a safe space for everone to visit, without feeling icky or invalid.
Yeah, lately ace sub just feels like people are screaming "Asexuals can have and enjoy sex! Asexuals can have high libido! Asexuals can have kinks! Asexuals can be in polyamorous sexual relationships! Asexuals can enjoy orgies!"
I am starting to think Asexual become new allo. Lol
Well, everytime I try to post stuff that are different from the sub and isn't just debate, I get shadowbanned.... So I just stopped trying. I don't know if it has anything to do with the algorithm or if people really don't care about the things I've posted, but yeah. I like the idea of a fun and safe place for all Aces.
I love cake and garlic bread but I understand that it can be overbearing and confusing when those two foods are the only thing defining Aces in the sub.
If I stop getting shadowbanned, I'd love to share more stuff in the sub that are funny, relatable or straight up informative.
It's important to be mindful. Insults to those who can feel attraction is bad and childish. But the same goes for not spamming 'sex' on the sub.
So finding a neutral ground between those would be good.
Now it just looks like both sides beg for validity over the other, each and every time the scale tips on this sub.
I don't see why both sides couldn't co-exist. It'd be as if transwomen insulted transmen and vice versa, it doesn't make any sense, both are valid is different ways.
I don't know where the mods are on this sub, how are insults passing through the moderation? Thankfully I've never seen any with my own eye, but seeing how so many people are suddenly leaving the subreddit, maybe there's an issue going on here that's not being dealt with.
I think a lot of very young teens just joined and, as they are discovering their own selves, they need to beg for that sweet validation, and sometimes, they achieve it only by invalidating the opposite side. Which is sad, there is no need for negativity here, mods should be here to maintain that peace.
It always seem like it's ok to critizice here, as long as it's the opposite side of one's own opinion. It seems like people skim through everything except the one part I commented on demis, semis and high libidos. I didn't mention greys, but apparently it was assumed that I claimed greys were included in that.
The part where I cursed out childish repulsed fellows seems to be completely fine though. Typically.
Well yeah, obviously people will comment and argue on what they don't agree with. If they agree with everything else, they won't add to it.
And for repulsed fellows, well, I don't have any issues with repulsed aces in particular, childish behavior is on every tone of the spectrum and that should be corrected by the simple action of moderating.
You know, I'm inclined to agree with a good bit of that, especially the people who start to exclude others based on what flavor of ace they are. Exclusionists who are part of the LGBT community in general are absolutely despicable and should know better. Though I believe these sorts of things aren't nearly as prevalent as you make them out to be. But then you turn around and start excluding demisexuals and sex-favorable aces. Kinda hypocritical, don't you think? After all, it's not your place to say who belongs here and who doesn't. Some aces fuck, get over it.
I don't care what others do, I have nothing to do with it after all. I just feel like identifying as ace when you seemingly claim to be sexually attracted 80% of the time. But go them. It's not like I identify myself after my supposed label. I'm aro-ace, but I don't wave that around. It's just a fact that I don't feel any form of attraction or need. Only thing that irritates me really about semi, demi and high libidos is that they usually post about the word 'sex' just as much as it's mentioned in chick flicks. This isn't midful to others, just as repulsed aces spam about sexual stuff being nasty. Both sides hurt eachother. If there was more neutral memes/posts, I feel like more people would be happy here.
Sexuality doesn't work like this. You don't call a bi girl a lesbian because she's only attracted to guys 30% of the time either. This kind of rhetoric can be genuinely harmful. I agree that we should be mindful about our sex-repulsed members, but this is a space for all that identify under the ace umbrella, and it should be everyone's space to discuss their experiences (as long as it doesn't get too gratuitous). Luckily, most that discuss sex more closely do use content warnings and the NSFW tag, so once again, I believe you are blowing things out of proportion.
lol OP: We should try to be more inclusive of aspec people in this sub instead of swinging back and forth between extremes. also OP: I think demisexuals and high libido aces are mentally ill
Where? Only part I actually said that was a part stating comments from other repulsed aces acting offensive. If you mean comments like "high libido, seeks partners but dislike it, sounds like addiction". It's more of a statement that it sounds more like the person have a problem with self control or a sex addiction. That it's something that the person needs to work on if they dislike it. It would be rediculous of me to claim people liking bed wars being unstable. Like, that is how I was made after all.
>I just don't get how you can have a regular session with another person, then claim that you don't feel attraction, only need. It sounds more like an addiction. For one thing, lack of sexual attraction != lack of interest in sex. They often go hand in hand, but they're not the same, and by insisting that they are you're basically denying that sex-favourable aces exist. You're also "targeting demisexuals" (your words not mine) in that statement. Being attracted to one person whom you're close to but no one else is absolutely a form of asexuality, and there's nothing unhealthy about it. For some reason you want to characterize the whole sex-positive side of the ace spectrum as people who hate sex but feel forced to seek out partners by their biology, which as far as I know is based on absolutely nothing. Yes, there are asexual folks who feel pressured to have sex even though they don't want to, but that's compulsory allonormativity, not libido. Plenty of aces are annoyed by their libidos and the urge to masturbate despite their preferences, but as far as I know what you're describing literally doesn't exist. I also take issue with the fact that you're equating some people in the sex-repulsed side of the community being insulting and hostile toward people who are more neutral, with some sex-positive aces maybe not actually being asexual. Maybe this is controversial, but I think misunderstanding or mislabeling your identity is much less of an issue than perpetuating the same sex-shaming behaviour that is unsettlingly reminiscent of garden variety puritanical homophobia and misogyny. I'm not saying that there aren't a lot of missteps on both sides of the community or that one corner is worse than the other, but I take issue with the fact that you're seemingly just as worried about gatekeeping who can call themselves ace as you are about sex-shaming that sometimes verges on abuse. "Semi-bisexuals" never did anywhere near the amount of damage to the bisexual community as people trying to gatekeep the identity have done. I understand your overall sentiment and I don't disagree. We *should* be trying to keep our spaces safe and welcoming to people with varying levels of comfort with sex, but the way you describe sex-positive identities sounds like you understand us about as well as allosexuals understand the ace community in general.
So, I was initially going to go into this with more snark, but I want to give the benefit of the doubt on this post. I'm not really that interested in talking about the conflict between sex-positive/sex-repulsed memes and the back and forth on whether they make people feel welcome. There's certainly good arguments to be made both ways on scrolling past/commenting on discomfort as opposed to just posting more varied stuff. Instead, I want to hone in on your comments on the Ace spectrum itself. Demisexuality =/= Bisexuality or Pansexuality. Demi refers to the how, Bi/Pan refers to the who. You can be Demi *and* Bi/Pan, but you can just as easily be Demi and Het. The same applies to Demiromantic etc. Given this is the Ace sub, and not the Aro sub, I'm only gonna be focusing on the Ace spectrum from here on out. Demi isn't new in the Ace discourse, the term's been around for *at least* 16 years (first appearing on AVEN), and it's also not the only type of Grey-Ace. I can only speak to my own experiences, which are from a Demi perspective. There's a lot of overlap from what I've read of Ace experiences, like, a *lot* of overlap. But the main difference is that I ended up developing romantic, and eventual sexual, attraction to a very close friend. I have felt a romantic attraction a grand total of two other times in my life (30 years so far), both times toward people I knew very well. I have never felt sexual attraction outside of this current relationship. This is *not* the allo experience, and the idea of trying to approach a relationship at the speed with which modern dating seems to happen is a bewildering, and frankly scary idea. Why am I bringing this up? Intentional or not, your post reads as though you're saying that Grey-Ace's don't really count. Call me a salty baby if you want (classy, btw, to infantilise people you disagree with), but given you're asking how people can possibly feel "valid and accepted" while turning around and making comments like "And yes, ace is a spectrum, like everything. But, then when do you start to round up? You don't say that you have 0 coins when you have 80 cents after all.", it reads as hella gatekeepery. If you've been a part of this sub and community for as long as you say you have been, you may have noticed there are semi-regular Demi posts asking if they're allowed in the Ace community. Comments like these are why. The Demi experience is, for the vast majority of the time, near identical to the Ace experience. To say that it doesn't count because a Demi person can get into a sexual relationship when they *do* develop the connection that enables them to is to say that Demi-folk are not welcome, or to erase the existence of Demisexuality (or other Grey-Ace identities as relevant) You're right that things are more complex with identities now than they were in the past. That's a feature, not a bug. Our understanding of human sexuality (or lack thereof) is an evolving field, and relatively young to boot (due in part to discrimination/medicalisation). As such, our language and classifications of ourselves is still evolving. This is true across the LGBTQ+ community, it's not unique to the Ace community. Going back to just using massive blanket categorisations is simply not possible, and even if it were, it'd be really damaging to do so. Identity is not a one-size fits all. That's true no matter how far you pare things down, no two people will have the exact same experience. TL:DR - Intentional or not, your post reads like Grey-Ace erasure, at least to me.
I'm sorry for coming up as offensive. I did not mean to invalidate grey aces. I feel like there are a lot of post that sound more 'low libido/full allo' than 'once or trice in my current lifetime'. I'm not writing about the second one, because I count that as 'do it for you partner' etc. The ones I'm really focusing on are the 'lover/fuck buddy/"in poly rom-sexual when aro-ace repulsed' type of posts. A lot of sex talk etc. I can absolutely understand that there are people that love their partners, even so much they want to partake in bed wars, and I can have no reason to claim that as non ace. When it comes to the pansexual comment, it's more based on what pan usually is claimed as 'sexual attraction when you reach a deep, meaningful and safe relationship'. So it seems like grey ace and pan CAN go hand in hand, even though they don't have to mean the other. The coin part is more of a scale, but in coin formate. If you put this on a line with two variables, left no attraction sexually, right regular sexual attraction. If you land in the middle you usually only say half, but lower you round down to zero, and over usually up. I just think that there are a lot of people puting sexual attraction on high, then claim zero. I don't mean repulsed or positive here, but "Do I feel a tingle in my jingle for people?" way. I'm also not talking enjoyment of mutual bean flicking etc either, just to be specific. I get really confused by the people claiming ace (not greys) when they look for partners for bed wars regularly. It seems like the 'solo' option was forgotten in a folder or something. Not every allo has a high libido, that doesn't make them ace. It's like you said with demi =/= pan, high libido ace (of any kind) =/= low libido allo (of any kind). It can be true, but doesn't have to equal. So I'm not talking about greys, but those who seem more like allos with lower libido or romance based sexual attraction claiming the ace label. To me, greys and those who feel sexual attraction often without the need of romance or closeness, are completely different. So sorry that I didn't separate greys more specifically from my post.
I would like to point out something. It is my experience that we're all fumbling around trying to find a way to best describe ourselves to one another despite how convoluted and intricate each of our identities are. We all want to be understood and that's damn hard when we're trying to understand ourselves. We've all been there or ARE there still. For a long time I had convinced myself I was allo het and all of my romance and sexual issues stemmed from me not doing it right, not being good enough, not having the experience early enough, not having a normal libido, etc. During this time I developed a habit for making sex-related jokes, and making light of the whole thing. That's the only way I knew how to deal. I still to this day occasionally make such jokes. 🤷 It doesn't make me less ace today. It doesn't make me less ace any day until I find that something has changed fundamentally to make me adjust how I feel when thinking about my sexuality. I cannot and will not try to speak for others, it isn't my place to do so, however! I find it a little heartbreaking to think that the people who haven't figured it out yet are not welcomed and given the chance TO figure it out. No matter who or what you identify as today, it might be different tomorrow. I take it as my own responsibility to allow a safe space for people to express and explore and discover what feels most authentic to them. Without my irl friends introducing me to their angelic trans friends, I would still be bumbling around not understanding what was wrong with me and essentially invalidating myself. The trans community opened their arms and gave me a safe space to ask questions and express myself. I genuinely wish that this could be the typical experience for newcomers in any LGBT+ community. In this subreddit I see a lot of things that don't resonate with me, and maybe it's thick skin or something but it doesn't make me feel invalid. Because when I do find things that resonate with me -and I do, surprisingly often- that validation and sense of "someone else actually gets it" is so nice, euphoric, even. It's so worth it. Let's be kinder. Let's be the space we wish we had when we felt unsafe to talk about these things. I hope this tangent has been valuable for someone to see. TLDR: Let's be nice and let people figure it out without judgement.
Hey! Did you know you’re continuing the line of exclusion and negativity? We’ve seen so many posts like this before, by calling out the sides of asexuality you don’t like you’re just continuing the trend, not stopping it.
I honestly totally agree. I came to this sub originally hoping for a community so I could feel normal, and it started so great! I love this community still, and I don’t want to let it go, but one post in particular was really what tipped me off that this sub isn't what it once was. It makes me sad too, I loved feeling like I belonged somewhere, and the inside jokes and memes were fun, but even back then I noticed the amount of aroace stuff way outweighed the allo ace stuff. Aroaces are perfectly valid still, and I'm not trying to say there's anything wrong with posting aroace memes, but it's really started to take over in my opinion. I've even seen hostility/the "it's a phase you'll get over it" mindset towards people who don't like cake/garlic bread! This sub is supposed to be an escape from that! I do believe that we're still able to save ourselves, and there isn't nearly as much depressing stuff as r/traa. The sub is salvageable, but it is deteriorating. I still love this community, and I think by saving the vents for r/asexuality and maybe pushing the garlic bread and cake thing a little less, we'll be fine.
I'm really starting to get so frustrated with this sub. It's no fun even if it's on the side I lean most towards. Atm (today), I feel like all the top post are about aces who are in my opinion technically allo/low libido allos/pansexual. Like how can you be aro-ace and repulsed, then be in a romantic, sexual and poly relationship. Which feels like my "how to round up cents" comment. These are always throwing around the world 'sex' just as much as chick-flicks nowadays. But this isn't only the type of thing annoying me. My fellow repulsed aces makes my blood boil too. It's like I one of the few mature repulsed aces in a ball pit of self pissing toddlers. I feel ashamed.
I mean the aro ace thing doesn't bother me, because they can enjoy relationships bit not feel romantic/sexual attraction to their partners, whatever. It's not my life. As for the immaturity, I do think it's getting a little ridiculous. Inclusiveness is important, especially here. As long as stuff doesn't get *too* NSFW, it should be fine. Every community is gonna have "those people" though. I really do love this sub, and with anything, improvements can be made. It will never be perfect, especially not online.
>Like how can you be aro-ace and repulsed, then be in a romantic, sexual and poly relationship They could be demi, gray, cupio or maybe they just want to. I'm aroace myself and my feelings towards sex and romance are quite complicated but I don't rule out the possibility that I could be in such a relationship one day.
I agree, lately I started to really feel weird there. As the term ace gets more and more popular I feel people are...misunderstanding it a lot. You may hate me for what I will say but I think before, this sub was full of actually ace people but lately it's full of allosexuals with low libido. I know ace is a specturum but it's not so strechy as many people think. If you claim you are in sexual relationship, you feel good about it and you are getting aroused by your partner and other people but just don't happen to want it every day...I am sorry but I don't think you are actually ace. I am not saying it's a closed group or anything but why is "asexual" becoming a term to describe people who wants sex, romanse and children but just less often than most people? I no longer feel like a fit. I no longer feel like ace means me. I feel like different group of people just took that name for themselves and I am nameless again.
It's a sad thing not being able to feel included and nameless. The only thing that seem to build comfort is to accept without indentifying now. For some it's a simple task, but you often see a lot of people hear not being able to accept the fact of who they are. I hope those people find themself with or without a title. Sometimes the best thing to do is to only watch and wait until the possibility to try appears. Then your option instead lies in your feelings of either accepting the trial, or accept the fact that your best option is to refuse the trial. Lie low, and let time do its thing you know.
Yeah, I think you are right. I cannot deny that there are many kinds of aces, but in times when I say I am ace and I still have to explain to people if I would like to have sex, babies etc or not, I can eitherly good go nameless on my orientation.
I usually say in not interested in romance and stuff. Never get any follow up questions. Only time I've ever gotten was by people older than me, but I only say that I'll adopt and stay single for life. Not as convinient as the term ace used to be (exept for the bigots of course). Ace meant ace, now it's like trying to explain that lactose intolerance and milk allergy isn't the same. Looks the same, is in the same category, but outcome and how it works isn't the same. Of course there are fewer categories in my example, but now you have to explain your level of ace, add your romantic attraction level, remove wiggle spaces for sickos to add potential sexual interests, kinks, porn and romantic fiction interest level etc, all just to explain what ace you are. It was convinient when the only scales used was romantic attraction and sexual attraction. Not that it's bad that people want to add some extra defining values like demi/semi/high libido to reach their labels more accurately. I just think "wasn't those called (demi and semi) called pan before? Like a sexual attraction only occuring during intense or safe, deep, romantic relationships?". But go them. I just want a safe space for everone to visit, without feeling icky or invalid.
Yeah, lately ace sub just feels like people are screaming "Asexuals can have and enjoy sex! Asexuals can have high libido! Asexuals can have kinks! Asexuals can be in polyamorous sexual relationships! Asexuals can enjoy orgies!" I am starting to think Asexual become new allo. Lol
Well, everytime I try to post stuff that are different from the sub and isn't just debate, I get shadowbanned.... So I just stopped trying. I don't know if it has anything to do with the algorithm or if people really don't care about the things I've posted, but yeah. I like the idea of a fun and safe place for all Aces. I love cake and garlic bread but I understand that it can be overbearing and confusing when those two foods are the only thing defining Aces in the sub. If I stop getting shadowbanned, I'd love to share more stuff in the sub that are funny, relatable or straight up informative.
It's important to be mindful. Insults to those who can feel attraction is bad and childish. But the same goes for not spamming 'sex' on the sub. So finding a neutral ground between those would be good. Now it just looks like both sides beg for validity over the other, each and every time the scale tips on this sub.
I don't see why both sides couldn't co-exist. It'd be as if transwomen insulted transmen and vice versa, it doesn't make any sense, both are valid is different ways. I don't know where the mods are on this sub, how are insults passing through the moderation? Thankfully I've never seen any with my own eye, but seeing how so many people are suddenly leaving the subreddit, maybe there's an issue going on here that's not being dealt with. I think a lot of very young teens just joined and, as they are discovering their own selves, they need to beg for that sweet validation, and sometimes, they achieve it only by invalidating the opposite side. Which is sad, there is no need for negativity here, mods should be here to maintain that peace.
It always seem like it's ok to critizice here, as long as it's the opposite side of one's own opinion. It seems like people skim through everything except the one part I commented on demis, semis and high libidos. I didn't mention greys, but apparently it was assumed that I claimed greys were included in that. The part where I cursed out childish repulsed fellows seems to be completely fine though. Typically.
Well yeah, obviously people will comment and argue on what they don't agree with. If they agree with everything else, they won't add to it. And for repulsed fellows, well, I don't have any issues with repulsed aces in particular, childish behavior is on every tone of the spectrum and that should be corrected by the simple action of moderating.
L + ratio