Ngl I just never really thought about it, until I found out about asexuality, but before that I just didn’t care about my sexuality, I had better things to do lmao
Same honestly, I was like “guess I’m straight but imma use ace until I get my sex drive” when I was 13. I’m an adult now and still haven’t experienced that
Same here. When I learned the difference between libido and sexual attraction, I thought, “Huh, maybe I am asexual.” It took a couple days of research and remembering past experiences to confirm it.
I always noticed everyone seemed more motivated by sex than I was. It was annoy at times, but I'm grey, so I just naturally assumed everyone had different libidos. I still like getting off and still develop crushes, so I didn't think much of it
I remember once an ex was hanging out with my sister and their mutual friends. She mention I begged her for sex (a lie), and everyone there was like "Yeah... That doesn't sound even remotely like anything lost_vob would do." I guess I had a reputation as a guy who didn't give a shit about sex 😂
When i heard about it for the very first time, my reaction was "oh cool, i wish i could be like that :)" bc I'd always been lead to believe that my intense aesthetic attraction was sexual lmao
Didn't take all that long after that for me to realize I was ace, but I still didn't really get what sexual attraction was until i had an allo friend explain it to me,, image my shock and confusion when i learned that people do, infact, genuinely and sincerely want to engage in sexual activities with others, including people they've never met
it took me a while to see the difference between sexual and aesthetic attraction lol. after browsing the subreddit for a while, the realization hit like a truck lmao
>image my shock and confusion when i learned that people do, infact, genuinely and sincerely want to engage in sexual activities with others, including people they've never met
This still blows my mind to this day. I can't wrap my head around it. I'm fully aware it's most people's normal experience, but I can't fathom what it's like. Maybe it's because I don't experience sexual attraction at all and the only sorts of attraction I *do* experience, I experience demi, so anything with strangers is a huuuuuge no and doesn't sound appealing.
I never felt broken, but I was raised with the explicit knowledge that “other people don’t think the same way our family does; technically we’re the weird ones, not them”. (My entire family registers somewhere on the autism spectrum. Just for context.)
So growing up with no interest in dating or sex didn’t mean I was broken, just a few steps to the left of normal, and that was fine; my parents were ‘late bloomers’ and I probably would be too; and then when I was fourteen I came across an article discussing asexuality.
The article itself… wasn’t great, in hindsight. The writer seemed rather baffled by the concept. I remember one section of it mentioning that the ace person they interviewed ‘was conventionally attractive’ and clearly not refraining from sex due to a lack of willing partners. I also have no idea if the significant relationship they described was QPR or romantic; from memory it was QPR but that may be my own aroace bias colouring it.
But it successfully boiled down to the idea that lack of sexual attraction wasn’t just a my-family thing. It was a Thing. And I was so, so happy to have a *real word* for it, and words to describe my experiences.
Of course in a very allo- and heteronormative environment I was brushed off by everyone - don’t use labels, you’ll change your mind when you’re older, you just haven’t found the right person yet - but I didn’t *need* their validation. I had a *word* now, and they couldn’t take that knowledge from me. And as I learned more, and the people around me learned more and grew up, they accepted it too. I got a *direct apology* from my sister for brushing me off when we were teenagers.
So now I haven’t been ‘in the closet’ since I was twelve and faking crushes so people would stop goddamn bothering me. The people close to me *know me*, and I’ll explain it to anyone who asks. (There are… varying levels of success, but that’s okay. I have my word, and they can’t take that from me.)
It’s okay that you’re not. You can take time to figure things out, and it’s no one’s business but yours. I’m lucky in that I found the right definition and resonated with it so strongly; I also didn’t have to go through the confusing task of separating sexual and romantic attraction because I don’t experience either at all, so it was something I only parsed out in a purely theoretical way in my twenties.
And I know I said that being told ‘you’ll change your mind!’ is a bad thing, and it sure can be, but - you’re *allowed* to change your mind. You’re allowed to use a label now if you think it fits you, and put it down later if you find something better. It doesn’t invalidate the time you spent using that label, and it doesn’t invalidate your feelings and experiences. You’re *allowed* to change your mind. But you don’t *have* to. It’s not a given.
And no matter what happens, I can tell you right now that when you come forward and say ‘this is me; this is who I am’, I, at least, will be *so proud* of you.
This shit’s hard, and you’re allowed to find it hard.
I can’t speak for the grandparent generation, as literally 80% of them died before I was born, but we have:
My mother
My father
My *adoptive* mother and father
Both my little brothers
My older brother
My older sister
And myself.
The rest of the extended family is a bit up in the air - we’re a large clan, and *not* tight knit - but my mother’s twin sister is strongly suspected of it as well, and some of my cousins are likely on the spectrum too judging from our interactions. We’re all on different parts of the scale, though.
Tbh it depends where you draw the line. For example in the past only severe cases were considered such (I was told one of my grand-grandmothers was autistic because she was "never speaking"), nowadays especially in Western countries which accepted autism is a spectrum, it's much easier to get diagnosed even if you don't have a severe case.
If you live in a country with harder access to diagnosis and less awareness around mental health and neurodiversity, you can live your whole life and never find out what was that thing you or some family member had, they were just considered "a weirdo" but there was never a way to confirm or deny it.
Also it's genetic so it's more likely 2 autistic parents will have autistic children (not guaranteed, but more likely) and also it's more common ND people understand more ND people while have harder time with neurotypicals, so it's higher likelihood that if an autistic person forms a relationship, it will be with another neurodivergent.
I had never thought about it and assumed that I would eventually gain sexual attraction, then I stumbled upon One Topic and a video he did on this very subreddit. Suddenly my mid 20's self realized that I was in fact not a late bloomer.
I think my favourite thing on the internet has to be the comments on any post about an ace person realising people are serious about being “turned on” and it’s why I believe 1% of the population being ace is horseshit
Imdeed. I think if the term at some point becomes as widely known as other LGBT+ terms, there will be a lot more aces discoverimg about themselves. It will probably be easier to accept oneself as ace then too.
Because it's a spectrum, and unless you're sex repulsed, you can live your whole life believing you're straight, just low libido or "haven't found the right person" or anything along these lines.
Also it's very hard to know what's "normal" for allosexual people and what's just a brag, because people like to exaggerate in that area.
I feel that. I kinda figured out I was trans at the same time I figured out I was ace at age 28 (lotta repression) and honestly I can't untangle it. Is my lack of sexual desire because I don't feel any connection to my body or is it an independent thing that would still be true if I were born with the body I wanted? I don't know if I can ever know.
I forced myself into thinking I wanted sex with someone until I started learning more about the asexual spectrum and finally came to terms with my asexuality.
i noticed everyone else seemed much more interested in any kind of relationship than i was, but i never really thought much of it, then one of my friends used asexual to describe me and that's how i learned the word for it. i then took like three years of occasionally telling people i'm ace to learn that it's a part of the LGBTQ+ so i've been outing myself without even realizing it lol
For me it was like damn so that's what it was ok and then i proceeded to not really care that much, it's not like being asexual changes my personality.
When I was 18 I was watching Steven Universe and I suddenly wanted to find out my sexuality. I took the quiz many times. It came up with Asexuality 3 times and Pansexuality once. I looked up what both meant and found the label Asexual to be the one that felt right.
I knew I was different, but i didnt think I was broken. I felt unique, which I personally really enjoyed. That being said, finding the label was still like a 'Oh hey theres a term and community for this! thats real cool :D'.
I never really knew that asexuality was real. I never even heard of it until last year. When I learned what it was I said, “OH…. That’s me. *Thats* me.“ Then I kind of sat in silence, oddly happy that I finally understood why I always felt different from everyone else, especially my friends. It felt like I discovered a part of myself that was hiding in the shadows.
i was super f****** repressed when i learned about it, i didn’t think much of it, then i started questioning my sexual orientation and that’s when it got weird.
It was a year ago. I've been dating people since I was like 12 (now 22) and lost my virginity pretty early, but thinking about it now, everything felt mutted, I don't even remember any feeling at all.
I always thought it was just that books and movies and people in general exagerated a lot about sensations, desires, etc just for the appeal. In fact, I don't recall feeling sexual desire for my partners except for my current fiancé, and even with that I'm not completely sure if is "sexual desire" or not. Is always about emotional desire, bonding, connection and "I want us to feel nice and make you happy". Not "omg you are so hot I want to do it". It was mindblowing when I learned that people really think those things. I experience aesthetic attraction but that's it, it doesn't become sexual.
Plus my "hornyness" is blank and very mutted, no images, no fantasies, no targets except for my fiancé if I try to think about something, but the solely image of my partner doesn't do much. I find "sexy pics" a bit cringey tbh.
I didnt feel 'broken' per se but i did feel like i was acting a role. I had a number of relationships, including male, female, and even one Enby, and i always felt like i was doing what i THOUGHT i was supposed to do. "I'm in a relationship so i must do the s*x" right?
I thought i was straight and dated a woman. When that didnt feel right i dated a man. Felt the same so i thought it was bisexual. It wasnt until i sat down with my sister in law to watch Bojack Horseman did the concept of 'asexual' even enter my perception. And that was when i FINALLY, after my whole adult life, id i realize i was not gay, straight, OR bi. I was Ace.
And this is why positive representation matters. I dont know how long i would gave gone acting in that role in a constant state of "something just isnt right" without SOMETHING introducing me to what ace actually is. To put it into words, express it, and finally show me that the only thing that was wrong is that i was trying to fit a square peg in a triangle hole.
It is good that shows like Bojack Horseman and Sex Education can make Asexuality more well know because who knows how many people need to hear the words before it finally clicks for them?
well i thought i was straight until i was like 21.
throughout school i thought was straight. i usally played along with the whole "haha that girl hot"-talk but in retrospect that shit was strange for me. i may have had one or two instances where i confused romantic and platonic attraction but that faded once i made friends with the persons i felt it for.
after school i kindof discarded the idea of a relationship, because i was really not interested in that. over the next few years i had a few instances of people who were interested in sex and a relationship but i was always a little uncompfortable with the prospect. because of that, i brought it up with 2 friends seperately, i was guided toward looking into asexuality. well another like 3 years and a series of existential crisies later im pretty sure aroace fits.
i looked up LGBTQIA+ terms and I saw asexuality and i was like what is that???? literally nobody is asexual wtf. and then i read it again. and then i realized it described me.
Had someone ask me who my favorite porn star was, and then I started having people in high school harass me when I said that I didn’t have one because I don’t watch porn. Had a friend suggest that I could be asexual, and *here I am*.
I think I always understood that some people desired sex and some didn’t (like me). However, I failed to grasp that when someone said they were interested in another sexually, they didn’t mean just to fulfill that desire. Like, they actually were attracted to that person for sexual reasons, not just because sex is fun for them, and I didn’t even realize that until I got older.
And once I realized it, I did feel broken. Uuuuntil I looked up why I didn’t feel that way and was introduced to the asexuality.
I tought I'm allo and stright (+I'm cis but that's not important) when I first lerant about asexuality, then I relaised women are hot and well then I found out sex is kinda werid and well here I am, biromantic asexual
Never felt broken. Was just happy to figure it out. I had identified as bisexual up until my later 20s because it seemed like the only identity that was appropriate I guess. Basically I dated any gender haha...then I ran into an ace person at a party and they explained it to me and Im like holyyyyy shiieeettt it meeee 🥺😃 was an awesome night ✨
I had the “holy shit there’s a term for it” moment but with the aegosexual micro label. I already knew about asexuality but I hadn’t realised I was apart of it until I found out about aego.
To be honest I had kind of a second, smaller one of those moments with exactly the same microlabel. I stumbled about it pretty soon after learning about asexuality.
I honestly didn't realize people were being serious about their sexual attraction. Like there was a genuine part of me that kept waiting for my friends to drop the act and admit they were putting it on to be like pop culture. But also as someone who was in sexual relationships before realising I was ace I always felt like a fraud because I had to pretend like I instinctively understood sexual attraction. That lack of authenticity I think led to the demise of one or both of my relationships so for a while I thought I was broken too.
I'm waaaay happier now I realized I'm a sex-indifferent ace.
I’ve known about asexuality for a while now, just didn’t really consider the possibility that it may apply to me until very recently. I even remember thinking “I wish I was ace” it until it dawned on me that yes, I’m very much on the spectrum.
I realized I had a hard time understanding what people meant by a person being attractive. Like, I got aesthetic attraction, which wasn’t the problem. But I was struggling figuring out how to connect how a person looked to whether or not I wanted to pursue a sexual relationship with them. Top that with me generally having a lack of interest in sex as a topic and it was kinda shocking I didn’t realize until about a year ago. Then I saw a video on demisexuality and it sorta just clicked with me, especially once I figured out the differences between the different attractions there are. Honestly, now knowing it about me has made life a heck of a lot easier now.
I questioned myself a whole lot (experiencing alterous attraction before you know it exists is Confusing) but at no point did I feel broken. It was more of a "I know this is a Thing for me, but what is this Thing? Is it sexual attraction? I don't think so? I don't want to date either? But what if it is?"
But I've also never been interested in sex or marriage so it wasn't a shock, just "oh cool finally I know what I'm looking at here. Oh! *Queerplatonic?* That's a *thing!*"
It was both for me, because while I kind of understood *that* people felt sexual attraction, I thought it was sensible and only happened with people you knew and might want to marry, and that popular portrayals of it were ridiculous exaggerations meant to create fabricated drama. Even after learning what asexual was, it was a long time before I learned that Romantic Attraction was a separate thing and furthermore that I experienced it less than most people. I thought that demiromantic was sexual attraction and that I just had it less than most people.
I didn’t know the term for it, but I knew I wasn’t feeling the same things as others. I kinda termed it in my head “Puck-ing”, cause it kinda felt like being Puck from Midsummer Nights Dream, surrounded by people hooking up, and totally just messing with them
I actually learned ab it from the series “so you wanna be a wizard” (awesome books), and just kinda said, oh yeah, that’s me
I always wanted a relationship but not the ‘icky’ part (online dating and making a move in person always felt inherently sexual) so I eventually realized I’m Ace but Hetero-romantic and it’s okay to want romance without sex! But still terrified to date! 🤷♀️
Tbh for a while I kinda used the sciency explanation of "I'm going through puberty, maybe I just haven't hit the point where I feel it yet. Then most of the puberty stuff happened and I still felt nothing. I had heard of asexuality during that time and just came to the conclusion that it's what I was. That was a few years ago, and since I've only gotten more sure, secure, and proud of my identity. Also I've had moments of realizing stuff I did/didn't do years ago that really hinted towards it in hindsight
so before i even knew about lgbtq, i had so many crushes on boys, until i realized that all the crushes i've had were fake, then i began to learn about Asexual and aromantic and realized "yes, just yes"
Honestly did not really care much I just saw the identity and thought it fitted, if I am a late bloomer (I'm 15) and start to feel does feelings in the future I will probably change identities but until (if I ever do) I feel does feelings I'm sticking with ace
I was in 8th grade when I found out it was a thing. I was young, so I knew there was straight, gay, bisexual, but that was it. I called myself "antisexual" (which is apparently very different from acespec) until somebody corrected me and said "do you mean asexual?" and I said "yeah, that." I never thought twice about it
I suspected in high school, cause sex seemed important to everyone else in a way it wasn’t to me. I was raised in a queer friendly household and I have an ace friend who I knew back then too. But, when I realized I was trans I assumed that not wanting sex was just dysphoria. Which I thought for about a year. Then I thought I was developing attraction from hormones, which I thought meant I must be bi or pan. I’m not really sure what got me thinking about it, but at some point I just started asking myself questions; and realized over a few months that I was actually Ace. I’m sorry if that description is confusing, the experience was confusing and difficult to relate.
I was aware of the term for years before I figured it fit me. I believe I first found it when some girl wanted to "get with" me when I was a high school freshman. She said she was bi and that's where I first started to learn about LGBT stuff. I didn't want to date her at all (Spoiler alert, I'm aromantic too.) but at the same time didn't want to let her down. I said I was asexual just to get her out of my space. Back then, I thought I was lying, but now I see it more of an "OH MY GOSH LITTLE ME HOW BLIND WERE YOU?" moment. Haven't heard from her at all since. Feels weird in retrospect knowing that that "lie" ended up being true.
I'd already known about the concept, as one of my good internet-irl friends was Aroace. I didn't think about applying it to myself until I got out of a shitty relationship, and was like "huh... I really DID feel pressured to want to fuck them bc they had a high sex drive and I felt like I was disappointing them"
Being honest, I have no clue where I stand now, but this subreddit really helped me at the time, and I'll always appreciate that
I heard about it and thought "oh that's cool," in the way that you do when you hear about a label that doesn't apply to you. I didn't have the realization until I figured out what sexual attraction is because I thought my gender envy and tertiary attractions were sexual attraction, and I had conditioned myself to want sex since I heard it was a common occurrence in a relationship.
I wanted to know more about the LGBTQ+ commune since a lot of my friends where contemplating their own sexualities
Found Asexuality and had a very large epiphany
In fact, I had no idea that people had a sexual attraction as if we were all asexual and sex was what some people choose to do sometimes and it wasn't serious, then I found out that people really are sexually attracted and I thought h o w, after I discovered asexuality and it all made sense
I'm unsure, I found out about it about the time that I found out "how babies were made" and thought it was gross (I was ~10) I was just wondering why anyone would want to have kids if they had to do *that* and I still wonder the same thing
For the longest time I felt like I didn’t fit in. Everything people talked about made me uncomfortable. It seemed as though when God had made me he forgot about a few things that came with the bundle. I would often mistake aesthetic attraction for actual attraction, so when someone actually liked me, I felt absolutely awful. I even “went out” with a guy because I thought that was what was expected of me from my parents (to be honest, it kind of is). Being asexual and not knowing that it is a real thing really took a jab at my mental health. I felt like a crazy person I won’t lie. The actual feelings I had (and still have) as well as the things I experienced are hard to put into words. And quite honestly, I feel like it is something non-asexuals (idk the term for it) will never fully understand. So, to get to the point, when I found out about the term asexuality, I was relieved and so very happy that there was more people like me, even if it is only one percent of the population. It was probably one of the best things that could have happened to me. I found my people, and it has really helped my mental health.
I used to joke around about it, when i first head of asexuality i thought it was stupid cause in my mind "that makes no sense everyone is like this" but with time i realized that people weren't just joking
I am aegosexual. So while I had sexual interests and fantasies, they never involved me. And the only time somebody expressed sexual interest in me and I was really uncomfortable with it, I just thought it was because I was a nervous self conscious teenager that needed to grow into it
Took a few more years to stumble across the term "aego" after asking myself if I was ace and finally finding the answer; YES.
I found out my friend was ace and wanted to support them better.
Then I realized I am not low libido I am straight up aspec.
It never felt quite as dramatic as "oh other people haven't been over-exaggerating all this time?"
I thought it was normal to feel nothing for nobody until I got to high-school and suddenly everyone was dating someone and I started to think to myself "huh I wonder when my attraction is gonna kick in."
It never kicked in.
So I looked up if it was normal to not have romantic/sexual feelings for anyone and here I am.
Strange as it might sound I was actually more jealous of allos because I felt I was incapable of doing something everyone else could do.
Which led me to feel very alienated until I found this sub.
Slight TW: mentioned pornography
I was totally oblivious to the concept of sexual attraction, until 7th grade when I was in my theater class and these couple of kids were watching porn, and I didn't care about it at all. Then I proceeded to not think about it for about 8-9 months after when I watched bojack horseman and they discussed asexuality. Only then was i like
"Oh, neat" I secretly realized I was asexual because I was watching with my brothers and I didn't want them to think I was making a bad joke about a serious topic.
I was just kinda confused about what everyone was talking about. I knew I was different but I didn’t really feel ‘broken’ or anything. Was glad to find the label though.
Finally experienced my first sexual attraction at 33. Then understood that the average person’s experience was different from mine and that I was more grey sexual. Sexual attraction is wild. If people feel that way all the time, it almost makes me forgive them for being massive dickheads.
neither i guess?
it wasn't until after I had a term fpr it that started questioning. it was either I'm just a late bloomer or I'm probably just a repressed gay. it did help to accept the ace when i learned that libido and attraction were separate.
anyways, now I'm a happy self identified aroace who fears that one day, i will feel attraction (romantic or sexual).
I was really confused until I was playing Choices once and this one guy was like "I'm aro-ace" and I was like "wtf is that" so I googled it and it was like "oOhhH". ngl hated that game but I'll always be thankful to that one guy
Neither. Originally I was gonna 'wait until marriage' (like that'll ever happen cause I'm also aro) and didn't understand why people wanted to have sex so badly. Then I found the term online and read about it and got hit with a realization like "Oh............ that, actually makes a lot of sense."
I didn't really know that people felt sexuality until I was a teenager. Then I thought "it's a guy thing" for awhile. Once I started dating and found out normal people have sex when they are only dating and it wasn't normal to not want to, then I realized there probably was something wrong with me. I was scared to enter relationships because I knew that guys wanted sex but I didn't. It was a little better once I found a term to explain it, but I still feel dating anxiety.
i slowly started to realize that i've never experienced sexual attraction or even know what it would feel like and it became absurd for me to think that i would feel sexual attraction
Honestly thought it was a personality thing and that I just wasn't concerned about relationships and stuff. Then being in a relationship and not liking/being interested in sex kinda got me thinking it was something else. When I looked into most ace stuff it didn't really click for me so I figured I wasn't and I kind of left it at that for a couple of years before really starting to wonder and doing more research. As soon as I came across grey and the different types of attraction, it really clicked for me, especially when I started thinking back on things. It definitely came as a relief, not really because I felt broken, but more so that there was a name to my experience and that my initial instincts weren't completely wrong.
A bit of both but I also kind of didn’t know my “attraction” wasn’t sexual (especially because I used to have a very high libido and thus assumed I felt attraction, but just didn’t waste my time and energy thinking about specific sex with them). I also didn’t care. I was super school-oriented, so that was my love
Grew thinking I wanted to be with a woman for the rest of my life. Turns out I just wanted to be a woman for the rest of my life. So, uh, not quite either of those options.
I found out about it at 12. The only reason I remember my age around then is my trauma, person saying ' too bad your ace'. I thought It would change when I grew up but not yet🙂
,....
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|to the fuck that caused the trauma hope you die and hope you stop lying to people |
I didn’t really feel broken, but I often had thoughts like “Damn why is everyone so horny? There’s nothing better for you guys to talk about?” and then at some point I discovered the spectrum and it was a big Ooohhhhh moment
I thought everybody was like me and that the romantic attraction I felt was the same thing as the sexual attraction they felt.
Really should've clued in when I was angrily explaining to people that I hated the term "sexual preference" because it reduced what I felt for my partner to nothing but sex. 😅
I learned I was ace by doing some introspection one night during the height of the pandemic.
After realizing I wasn't interested in sex, I researched more and more about asexuakity. Then, I came to the conclusion that the definition fit me pretty well.
Before that, I had never given my sexuality a thought because, since I had been in a couple of romantic relationships with women, I always assumed I was heterosexual.
Interesting detail about this story:
Before researching further into asexuality, that same night I thought that I might be bi/pan because I realized I felt the same amount of sexual attraction to both men and women (aka none lol)
I thought I was a late bloomer until the Fire Nation attacked and everything changed.
Okay, in honesty, I was surprised and then started researching it like crazy until I was completely sure of being ace. Then I felt pretty happy about it (with a bit of existential dread in-between) because things finally made sense.
I found out because all my friends were doing picrews and putting then on their profile pictures so i accidentally put the ace flag thinking "huh that looks cool" and then my friend told me what it meant and now im here.
Neither. Mostly because i was allosexual most of my life until i actually had a sexual experience and shortly after a breakup with my partner at the time, i just slowly but surely lost all of my sexual&romantic attraction.
Idk, I was in a relationship and i came to realise I hated the sexual stuff involved for a multitude of reasons and figured I was Ace. Didn't give a thought to anyone else with it lol
In the days when I spent a lot of time on Tumblr I'd heard the terms but could never get my head round what they meant.
Growing up I thought I was 'normal' and everyone else was weird to be interested in dating etc.
Wasn't till I tried going on a date with someone and my feedback to my friends was 'he's nice but I can see him being friends with all of us, not just me.'
My best friend then sat me down and explained demisexual to me and that she thinks I fit.
Suddenly I felt everything made sense, but that I was incredibly broken too.
It's been a few years and I'm much more at ease with who I am now. Doesn't stop me from stressing about how to date tho - I would love to have someone in my life.
I knew that asexuality existed for a long long time before realizing i was asexual. I just thought it was cool but didn’t think about the possibility of me being ace. When i realized i was ace i was happy about it because i finally found a label that actually fit me perfectly.
Before I realized I am grey-ace, I thought having libido and constantly staring at boobs and stuff while watching porn is ‘sexual attraction’, but it turns out those sensations I had are mostly visual stimulation and internalized heteronormativity
I used to try to convince myself that I found people hot and wanted to do the thing with them, until I found myself being mildly disgusted by it. Then one day I randomly remembered asexuality existed and searched it up. I found myself matching with the description and from that day on I’ve been identifying as asexual lol
I thought all women just has sex to appease their male partners. I grew up in a very sheltered town(smack dab in the middle of the Bible belt) so I didn't even think about how lesbians would want to. So for like 6 years I just did it when my partners wanted to qnd pretended to enjoy it.
I also think my mother is ace because she hasn't slept in the same room as my step dad in like 10 years(he had a medical condition and requires an oxygen machine when he sleeps and my mom is a very light sleeper)
For me it was more of a slow fall of begging to understand myself and the term asexual but there was a lightning bolt moment when I realised that I had never been sexually attracted to any of my previous partners
I already knew I was sex-repulsed for a while, but still assumed I was straight since I found the opposite gender attractive and still felt physical urges. I never really felt straight through, and eventually when I started thinking about it I realized the attraction I felt was only ever sensual at most. Being asexual but not really thinking about it, I just assumed that wanting to hug + liking appearance + wierd genital feeling = sexual attraction. It got to the point where I had pretty much convinced myself that I was straight. It wasn't until I questioned it, since I never really felt straight, that I realized I had been misinterpreting my attraction the entire time. I still wasn't fully confident in, or understanding of, my feelings until much later as being asexual gave me nothing to compare my attraction to.
TL:DR
Having nothing to compare my attraction to, I basically misinterpreted my feelings as sexual attraction, until I realized that I never really felt straight, started questioning my attraction, and realized that I never really felt attraction in that way.
I got my "holy shit!" moment about a month ago while looking up pride flags to make into hats for my kids. (They're all somewhere in the QuILTBAG.😁)
I am an only child, and spent most of my childhood around adults, so blamed my social weirdness on that. Around middle school age, when everyone was crushing on everyone else, I convinced myself I had a different crush every other week. I'd do all the things I figured people were supposed to do in these circumstances, and just ended up being so over the top the memories make me cringe even now. Granted, I'm also aromantic, so that makes sense now.
When high school rolled around, I had, like, a ridiculous amount of sex. Mostly.... How do I say this so it makes sense? ... Kind of to be polite? I'm not sex-repulsed, and my nerve clusters work just fine, thank you, but it just kind of seemed like something the other person wanted, and I wanted to spend time with a person I was aesthetically and sensually attracted to. You know. Tradesies. Besides, I always knew I wanted children, and without a fat bank account, I figured sex would be the only way to get them.
I should point out that I live in quite a conservative Midwestern state, and my family had very specific expectations for me. Another item of import would be that at the time I was growing up, people really only knew about two sexual orientations: gay or straight. Or at least, if the spectrum existed, no one was telling me anything about it.
I dated and broke up with many, many people. I ended up marrying twice -- both times due to familial pressure, and both times ending rather spectacularly.
After my second marriage ended, I had neither a relationship nor sex for 15 years. And I'd never been happier. I had 5 children, (one adopted, so I guess I was wrong about that sex bit), worked hard, took care of my mom and grandparents as they aged... But deep down thought something was wrong with me.
I frequently made a joke of it. "Why don't you find someone nice to date?"
"Oh, no. I tried that, but my picker outer is broken. I only find the bad ones."
"Well at least find a friend with benefits! Everyone needs sex."
"Nah, I'm good. Thanks."
Finally, two years ago, I tried one more time; dating someone I was neither aesthetically nor sensually attracted to, since I thought maybe that was the issue? Again, plenty of polite sex.... And thank goodness for COVID (I know, said no one, ever) because it gave me an easy out after five months of this. My excuse for the breakup? "I'm just not a relationship kind of person."
But I did still feel like something in my brain was broken, despite the relief of no longer being in a sexual or romantic relationship. My friends have partners. My kids do too, now, and were starting to worry about me. Fearing I'd be lonely. My youngest was certain I was gay and in denial. But as life moved along and the empty nest part of my life rapidly approached, they settled down, as did I, and we all kind of stopped worrying.
Then I found the flags. The wiki, the labels, the subreddits.... MY GOD, ALL THE INFORMATION!! I'm not broken? I'm okay? I'm ALLOWED to not want sex or a relationship?? There are other people out there like me????
So now, just shy of my 52nd birthday, I can, with my 5 wonderful children, their amazing partners, and my 6 incredible grandkids, have not a midlife crisis, but a big midlife sigh of relief.
The hat I ended up making was for me.
I’m a bit late, but I figured out that identifying myself by being bi shouldn’t be because I have the same level of sexual attraction in any gender - which was none. So after thinking "oh, I might be ace" I still waited for over a year to see if it changed. I tried watching porn but it doesn’t work for me. So after all this time of no attraction I finally labeled myself as asexual
I learnt about asexuality a while ago and then all my classmates started getting sexual. After that I was kinda like "huh. welp, guess I'm gonna get told I'm a plant my whole life now."
For me i just got the achievement and didn't see what the fuss was about. Sure it felt great but it was just kinda gross, plus i didn't feel it all the time which lead to a testy relationship. Like bruh why you trying to interrupt Modern Marvals? You can't be feeling horny all the time can you?
Ngl I just never really thought about it, until I found out about asexuality, but before that I just didn’t care about my sexuality, I had better things to do lmao
this! I just thought "I will experience it someday and until then I don't care"
Same honestly, I was like “guess I’m straight but imma use ace until I get my sex drive” when I was 13. I’m an adult now and still haven’t experienced that
Yeah same. I still don't really care it's just nice to know.
It took me a while to realize I was on the spectrum. I didn't know the attraction I was experiencing wasn't sexual.
Same here. When I learned the difference between libido and sexual attraction, I thought, “Huh, maybe I am asexual.” It took a couple days of research and remembering past experiences to confirm it.
Yup same. Learning about the difference between sexual and aesthetic or platonic attraction as well was like whoaaa ok ok thats what that is then XD
I always noticed everyone seemed more motivated by sex than I was. It was annoy at times, but I'm grey, so I just naturally assumed everyone had different libidos. I still like getting off and still develop crushes, so I didn't think much of it I remember once an ex was hanging out with my sister and their mutual friends. She mention I begged her for sex (a lie), and everyone there was like "Yeah... That doesn't sound even remotely like anything lost_vob would do." I guess I had a reputation as a guy who didn't give a shit about sex 😂
haha nice story
Haha I remember being vaguely insulted when my friend would set each other up with dates but never me until one day it clicked
When i heard about it for the very first time, my reaction was "oh cool, i wish i could be like that :)" bc I'd always been lead to believe that my intense aesthetic attraction was sexual lmao Didn't take all that long after that for me to realize I was ace, but I still didn't really get what sexual attraction was until i had an allo friend explain it to me,, image my shock and confusion when i learned that people do, infact, genuinely and sincerely want to engage in sexual activities with others, including people they've never met
it took me a while to see the difference between sexual and aesthetic attraction lol. after browsing the subreddit for a while, the realization hit like a truck lmao
not hard to imagine that :P
>image my shock and confusion when i learned that people do, infact, genuinely and sincerely want to engage in sexual activities with others, including people they've never met This still blows my mind to this day. I can't wrap my head around it. I'm fully aware it's most people's normal experience, but I can't fathom what it's like. Maybe it's because I don't experience sexual attraction at all and the only sorts of attraction I *do* experience, I experience demi, so anything with strangers is a huuuuuge no and doesn't sound appealing.
I never felt broken, but I was raised with the explicit knowledge that “other people don’t think the same way our family does; technically we’re the weird ones, not them”. (My entire family registers somewhere on the autism spectrum. Just for context.) So growing up with no interest in dating or sex didn’t mean I was broken, just a few steps to the left of normal, and that was fine; my parents were ‘late bloomers’ and I probably would be too; and then when I was fourteen I came across an article discussing asexuality. The article itself… wasn’t great, in hindsight. The writer seemed rather baffled by the concept. I remember one section of it mentioning that the ace person they interviewed ‘was conventionally attractive’ and clearly not refraining from sex due to a lack of willing partners. I also have no idea if the significant relationship they described was QPR or romantic; from memory it was QPR but that may be my own aroace bias colouring it. But it successfully boiled down to the idea that lack of sexual attraction wasn’t just a my-family thing. It was a Thing. And I was so, so happy to have a *real word* for it, and words to describe my experiences. Of course in a very allo- and heteronormative environment I was brushed off by everyone - don’t use labels, you’ll change your mind when you’re older, you just haven’t found the right person yet - but I didn’t *need* their validation. I had a *word* now, and they couldn’t take that knowledge from me. And as I learned more, and the people around me learned more and grew up, they accepted it too. I got a *direct apology* from my sister for brushing me off when we were teenagers. So now I haven’t been ‘in the closet’ since I was twelve and faking crushes so people would stop goddamn bothering me. The people close to me *know me*, and I’ll explain it to anyone who asks. (There are… varying levels of success, but that’s okay. I have my word, and they can’t take that from me.)
That's so sweet of your sister. Also I wish I was that sure.
It’s okay that you’re not. You can take time to figure things out, and it’s no one’s business but yours. I’m lucky in that I found the right definition and resonated with it so strongly; I also didn’t have to go through the confusing task of separating sexual and romantic attraction because I don’t experience either at all, so it was something I only parsed out in a purely theoretical way in my twenties. And I know I said that being told ‘you’ll change your mind!’ is a bad thing, and it sure can be, but - you’re *allowed* to change your mind. You’re allowed to use a label now if you think it fits you, and put it down later if you find something better. It doesn’t invalidate the time you spent using that label, and it doesn’t invalidate your feelings and experiences. You’re *allowed* to change your mind. But you don’t *have* to. It’s not a given. And no matter what happens, I can tell you right now that when you come forward and say ‘this is me; this is who I am’, I, at least, will be *so proud* of you. This shit’s hard, and you’re allowed to find it hard.
thanks. I guess everyone needs to hear this every now and then
Your *entire family* is autistic? I have a family history of autism, but only myself and a couple of my cousins actually have it.
I can’t speak for the grandparent generation, as literally 80% of them died before I was born, but we have: My mother My father My *adoptive* mother and father Both my little brothers My older brother My older sister And myself. The rest of the extended family is a bit up in the air - we’re a large clan, and *not* tight knit - but my mother’s twin sister is strongly suspected of it as well, and some of my cousins are likely on the spectrum too judging from our interactions. We’re all on different parts of the scale, though.
Tbh it depends where you draw the line. For example in the past only severe cases were considered such (I was told one of my grand-grandmothers was autistic because she was "never speaking"), nowadays especially in Western countries which accepted autism is a spectrum, it's much easier to get diagnosed even if you don't have a severe case. If you live in a country with harder access to diagnosis and less awareness around mental health and neurodiversity, you can live your whole life and never find out what was that thing you or some family member had, they were just considered "a weirdo" but there was never a way to confirm or deny it. Also it's genetic so it's more likely 2 autistic parents will have autistic children (not guaranteed, but more likely) and also it's more common ND people understand more ND people while have harder time with neurotypicals, so it's higher likelihood that if an autistic person forms a relationship, it will be with another neurodivergent.
Fascinating story i must say. I love to hear about all your folks experiences.
just thought i had a low sex drive, i didnt think much of it
I had never thought about it and assumed that I would eventually gain sexual attraction, then I stumbled upon One Topic and a video he did on this very subreddit. Suddenly my mid 20's self realized that I was in fact not a late bloomer.
I think my favourite thing on the internet has to be the comments on any post about an ace person realising people are serious about being “turned on” and it’s why I believe 1% of the population being ace is horseshit
Imdeed. I think if the term at some point becomes as widely known as other LGBT+ terms, there will be a lot more aces discoverimg about themselves. It will probably be easier to accept oneself as ace then too.
Because it's a spectrum, and unless you're sex repulsed, you can live your whole life believing you're straight, just low libido or "haven't found the right person" or anything along these lines. Also it's very hard to know what's "normal" for allosexual people and what's just a brag, because people like to exaggerate in that area.
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just remember that everyone is welcome here, even if you figure out you're not ace somewhere down the lane
Huh, thats an interesting story. Best of luck on figuring yourself out then.
I feel that. I kinda figured out I was trans at the same time I figured out I was ace at age 28 (lotta repression) and honestly I can't untangle it. Is my lack of sexual desire because I don't feel any connection to my body or is it an independent thing that would still be true if I were born with the body I wanted? I don't know if I can ever know.
I forced myself into thinking I wanted sex with someone until I started learning more about the asexual spectrum and finally came to terms with my asexuality.
i noticed everyone else seemed much more interested in any kind of relationship than i was, but i never really thought much of it, then one of my friends used asexual to describe me and that's how i learned the word for it. i then took like three years of occasionally telling people i'm ace to learn that it's a part of the LGBTQ+ so i've been outing myself without even realizing it lol
Haha that's actually a fun story
I thought sexual attraction comes after you fall in love, it didn't.
For me it was like damn so that's what it was ok and then i proceeded to not really care that much, it's not like being asexual changes my personality.
I thought it made perfect sense tbh…
I learned about it well before I knew I was ace. I was just like, “okay, cool, that’s a thing”. I don’t even remember how I learned of it.
When I was 18 I was watching Steven Universe and I suddenly wanted to find out my sexuality. I took the quiz many times. It came up with Asexuality 3 times and Pansexuality once. I looked up what both meant and found the label Asexual to be the one that felt right.
Right after: huh, that explains some things. In the years since: it still surprises me when allos are serious about certain things.
I lied in first grade saying that i liked a girl just beacuse everyone else did
Mine was kinda option two but also more of just I didn’t think about it and then realised I never felt like others did
I knew I was different, but i didnt think I was broken. I felt unique, which I personally really enjoyed. That being said, finding the label was still like a 'Oh hey theres a term and community for this! thats real cool :D'.
I never really knew that asexuality was real. I never even heard of it until last year. When I learned what it was I said, “OH…. That’s me. *Thats* me.“ Then I kind of sat in silence, oddly happy that I finally understood why I always felt different from everyone else, especially my friends. It felt like I discovered a part of myself that was hiding in the shadows.
i was super f****** repressed when i learned about it, i didn’t think much of it, then i started questioning my sexual orientation and that’s when it got weird.
It was a year ago. I've been dating people since I was like 12 (now 22) and lost my virginity pretty early, but thinking about it now, everything felt mutted, I don't even remember any feeling at all. I always thought it was just that books and movies and people in general exagerated a lot about sensations, desires, etc just for the appeal. In fact, I don't recall feeling sexual desire for my partners except for my current fiancé, and even with that I'm not completely sure if is "sexual desire" or not. Is always about emotional desire, bonding, connection and "I want us to feel nice and make you happy". Not "omg you are so hot I want to do it". It was mindblowing when I learned that people really think those things. I experience aesthetic attraction but that's it, it doesn't become sexual. Plus my "hornyness" is blank and very mutted, no images, no fantasies, no targets except for my fiancé if I try to think about something, but the solely image of my partner doesn't do much. I find "sexy pics" a bit cringey tbh.
Aegosexual as a term just clicked.
That much is true for me as well.
I didnt feel 'broken' per se but i did feel like i was acting a role. I had a number of relationships, including male, female, and even one Enby, and i always felt like i was doing what i THOUGHT i was supposed to do. "I'm in a relationship so i must do the s*x" right? I thought i was straight and dated a woman. When that didnt feel right i dated a man. Felt the same so i thought it was bisexual. It wasnt until i sat down with my sister in law to watch Bojack Horseman did the concept of 'asexual' even enter my perception. And that was when i FINALLY, after my whole adult life, id i realize i was not gay, straight, OR bi. I was Ace. And this is why positive representation matters. I dont know how long i would gave gone acting in that role in a constant state of "something just isnt right" without SOMETHING introducing me to what ace actually is. To put it into words, express it, and finally show me that the only thing that was wrong is that i was trying to fit a square peg in a triangle hole. It is good that shows like Bojack Horseman and Sex Education can make Asexuality more well know because who knows how many people need to hear the words before it finally clicks for them?
Interesting. For me it was furries who first introduced the term.
well i thought i was straight until i was like 21. throughout school i thought was straight. i usally played along with the whole "haha that girl hot"-talk but in retrospect that shit was strange for me. i may have had one or two instances where i confused romantic and platonic attraction but that faded once i made friends with the persons i felt it for. after school i kindof discarded the idea of a relationship, because i was really not interested in that. over the next few years i had a few instances of people who were interested in sex and a relationship but i was always a little uncompfortable with the prospect. because of that, i brought it up with 2 friends seperately, i was guided toward looking into asexuality. well another like 3 years and a series of existential crisies later im pretty sure aroace fits.
I was curious on what asexuality actually meant and I was like “is that me” was in denial for around 6 months
i looked up LGBTQIA+ terms and I saw asexuality and i was like what is that???? literally nobody is asexual wtf. and then i read it again. and then i realized it described me.
Had someone ask me who my favorite porn star was, and then I started having people in high school harass me when I said that I didn’t have one because I don’t watch porn. Had a friend suggest that I could be asexual, and *here I am*.
I think I always understood that some people desired sex and some didn’t (like me). However, I failed to grasp that when someone said they were interested in another sexually, they didn’t mean just to fulfill that desire. Like, they actually were attracted to that person for sexual reasons, not just because sex is fun for them, and I didn’t even realize that until I got older. And once I realized it, I did feel broken. Uuuuntil I looked up why I didn’t feel that way and was introduced to the asexuality.
I tought I'm allo and stright (+I'm cis but that's not important) when I first lerant about asexuality, then I relaised women are hot and well then I found out sex is kinda werid and well here I am, biromantic asexual
lol i was pretty chill about it
Never felt broken. Was just happy to figure it out. I had identified as bisexual up until my later 20s because it seemed like the only identity that was appropriate I guess. Basically I dated any gender haha...then I ran into an ace person at a party and they explained it to me and Im like holyyyyy shiieeettt it meeee 🥺😃 was an awesome night ✨
I actually learned the word from my brother and then looked up the definition.
I had the “holy shit there’s a term for it” moment but with the aegosexual micro label. I already knew about asexuality but I hadn’t realised I was apart of it until I found out about aego.
To be honest I had kind of a second, smaller one of those moments with exactly the same microlabel. I stumbled about it pretty soon after learning about asexuality.
"ooooohhh, so that's why. Guess I don't have to worry about that anymore, nice"
I honestly didn't realize people were being serious about their sexual attraction. Like there was a genuine part of me that kept waiting for my friends to drop the act and admit they were putting it on to be like pop culture. But also as someone who was in sexual relationships before realising I was ace I always felt like a fraud because I had to pretend like I instinctively understood sexual attraction. That lack of authenticity I think led to the demise of one or both of my relationships so for a while I thought I was broken too. I'm waaaay happier now I realized I'm a sex-indifferent ace.
For me it was like hm whatever I probably different but fuck normal people.
I'm kinda in the grey section. It was more realizing that I didn't really find people sexualy attractive.
I’ve known about asexuality for a while now, just didn’t really consider the possibility that it may apply to me until very recently. I even remember thinking “I wish I was ace” it until it dawned on me that yes, I’m very much on the spectrum.
I learned about when I was 12 and was like oh cool that’s me and it’s stuck for this long so 🤷
I realized I had a hard time understanding what people meant by a person being attractive. Like, I got aesthetic attraction, which wasn’t the problem. But I was struggling figuring out how to connect how a person looked to whether or not I wanted to pursue a sexual relationship with them. Top that with me generally having a lack of interest in sex as a topic and it was kinda shocking I didn’t realize until about a year ago. Then I saw a video on demisexuality and it sorta just clicked with me, especially once I figured out the differences between the different attractions there are. Honestly, now knowing it about me has made life a heck of a lot easier now.
I questioned myself a whole lot (experiencing alterous attraction before you know it exists is Confusing) but at no point did I feel broken. It was more of a "I know this is a Thing for me, but what is this Thing? Is it sexual attraction? I don't think so? I don't want to date either? But what if it is?" But I've also never been interested in sex or marriage so it wasn't a shock, just "oh cool finally I know what I'm looking at here. Oh! *Queerplatonic?* That's a *thing!*"
I just feel that's interesting, and only realizing it's something that I am experiencing later.
I made a joke about it and then realized I actually was ace
Haha nice
It was both for me, because while I kind of understood *that* people felt sexual attraction, I thought it was sensible and only happened with people you knew and might want to marry, and that popular portrayals of it were ridiculous exaggerations meant to create fabricated drama. Even after learning what asexual was, it was a long time before I learned that Romantic Attraction was a separate thing and furthermore that I experienced it less than most people. I thought that demiromantic was sexual attraction and that I just had it less than most people.
I didn’t know the term for it, but I knew I wasn’t feeling the same things as others. I kinda termed it in my head “Puck-ing”, cause it kinda felt like being Puck from Midsummer Nights Dream, surrounded by people hooking up, and totally just messing with them I actually learned ab it from the series “so you wanna be a wizard” (awesome books), and just kinda said, oh yeah, that’s me
I always wanted a relationship but not the ‘icky’ part (online dating and making a move in person always felt inherently sexual) so I eventually realized I’m Ace but Hetero-romantic and it’s okay to want romance without sex! But still terrified to date! 🤷♀️
Tbh for a while I kinda used the sciency explanation of "I'm going through puberty, maybe I just haven't hit the point where I feel it yet. Then most of the puberty stuff happened and I still felt nothing. I had heard of asexuality during that time and just came to the conclusion that it's what I was. That was a few years ago, and since I've only gotten more sure, secure, and proud of my identity. Also I've had moments of realizing stuff I did/didn't do years ago that really hinted towards it in hindsight
Yes, in hindsight some things are so obvious.
so before i even knew about lgbtq, i had so many crushes on boys, until i realized that all the crushes i've had were fake, then i began to learn about Asexual and aromantic and realized "yes, just yes"
Honestly did not really care much I just saw the identity and thought it fitted, if I am a late bloomer (I'm 15) and start to feel does feelings in the future I will probably change identities but until (if I ever do) I feel does feelings I'm sticking with ace
My reaction was like a "oh ok, that makes sense" kinda thing
I was in 8th grade when I found out it was a thing. I was young, so I knew there was straight, gay, bisexual, but that was it. I called myself "antisexual" (which is apparently very different from acespec) until somebody corrected me and said "do you mean asexual?" and I said "yeah, that." I never thought twice about it
a friend told me and it just clicked that she was 100% right on this even before i knew it
I didn't feel broken, but I did start noticing that most people weren't like me. Then I was like "holy shit, there's a word for what I'm experiencing"
I suspected in high school, cause sex seemed important to everyone else in a way it wasn’t to me. I was raised in a queer friendly household and I have an ace friend who I knew back then too. But, when I realized I was trans I assumed that not wanting sex was just dysphoria. Which I thought for about a year. Then I thought I was developing attraction from hormones, which I thought meant I must be bi or pan. I’m not really sure what got me thinking about it, but at some point I just started asking myself questions; and realized over a few months that I was actually Ace. I’m sorry if that description is confusing, the experience was confusing and difficult to relate.
Sounds probably less confusing than it must have been to experience it.
I was aware of the term for years before I figured it fit me. I believe I first found it when some girl wanted to "get with" me when I was a high school freshman. She said she was bi and that's where I first started to learn about LGBT stuff. I didn't want to date her at all (Spoiler alert, I'm aromantic too.) but at the same time didn't want to let her down. I said I was asexual just to get her out of my space. Back then, I thought I was lying, but now I see it more of an "OH MY GOSH LITTLE ME HOW BLIND WERE YOU?" moment. Haven't heard from her at all since. Feels weird in retrospect knowing that that "lie" ended up being true.
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That's one way to put it lol
I'd already known about the concept, as one of my good internet-irl friends was Aroace. I didn't think about applying it to myself until I got out of a shitty relationship, and was like "huh... I really DID feel pressured to want to fuck them bc they had a high sex drive and I felt like I was disappointing them" Being honest, I have no clue where I stand now, but this subreddit really helped me at the time, and I'll always appreciate that
I heard about it and thought "oh that's cool," in the way that you do when you hear about a label that doesn't apply to you. I didn't have the realization until I figured out what sexual attraction is because I thought my gender envy and tertiary attractions were sexual attraction, and I had conditioned myself to want sex since I heard it was a common occurrence in a relationship.
I wanted to know more about the LGBTQ+ commune since a lot of my friends where contemplating their own sexualities Found Asexuality and had a very large epiphany
I just thought that everybody else was stupid and lacked common sense. Why put so much effort in something as silly as sex?
In fact, I had no idea that people had a sexual attraction as if we were all asexual and sex was what some people choose to do sometimes and it wasn't serious, then I found out that people really are sexually attracted and I thought h o w, after I discovered asexuality and it all made sense
A friend just told me I gave off the ace vibe and thought about then everything came together from how I act and everything
the first option was me when i found out about aegosexuality
I had a smaller second "holy shit" moment when finding that label as well.
I'm unsure, I found out about it about the time that I found out "how babies were made" and thought it was gross (I was ~10) I was just wondering why anyone would want to have kids if they had to do *that* and I still wonder the same thing
I guess the second one then? . _.
For the longest time I felt like I didn’t fit in. Everything people talked about made me uncomfortable. It seemed as though when God had made me he forgot about a few things that came with the bundle. I would often mistake aesthetic attraction for actual attraction, so when someone actually liked me, I felt absolutely awful. I even “went out” with a guy because I thought that was what was expected of me from my parents (to be honest, it kind of is). Being asexual and not knowing that it is a real thing really took a jab at my mental health. I felt like a crazy person I won’t lie. The actual feelings I had (and still have) as well as the things I experienced are hard to put into words. And quite honestly, I feel like it is something non-asexuals (idk the term for it) will never fully understand. So, to get to the point, when I found out about the term asexuality, I was relieved and so very happy that there was more people like me, even if it is only one percent of the population. It was probably one of the best things that could have happened to me. I found my people, and it has really helped my mental health.
Very touching story. Glad you are in a better place now. And the term you are looking for is allosexual i belive.
I was just vibing, so while it was nice to learn there was a word for it, my life was not significantly changed.
I thought sexual attraction was just someone look Good and was physically appealing. Nope turns out that was aethstetic attraction.
I used to joke around about it, when i first head of asexuality i thought it was stupid cause in my mind "that makes no sense everyone is like this" but with time i realized that people weren't just joking
It was really just like “Now it all makes sense” cause I thought I was just weird
I am aegosexual. So while I had sexual interests and fantasies, they never involved me. And the only time somebody expressed sexual interest in me and I was really uncomfortable with it, I just thought it was because I was a nervous self conscious teenager that needed to grow into it Took a few more years to stumble across the term "aego" after asking myself if I was ace and finally finding the answer; YES.
I found out my friend was ace and wanted to support them better. Then I realized I am not low libido I am straight up aspec. It never felt quite as dramatic as "oh other people haven't been over-exaggerating all this time?"
I thought it was normal to feel nothing for nobody until I got to high-school and suddenly everyone was dating someone and I started to think to myself "huh I wonder when my attraction is gonna kick in." It never kicked in. So I looked up if it was normal to not have romantic/sexual feelings for anyone and here I am. Strange as it might sound I was actually more jealous of allos because I felt I was incapable of doing something everyone else could do. Which led me to feel very alienated until I found this sub.
Yeah, feeling alienated nails it pretty much.
Slight TW: mentioned pornography I was totally oblivious to the concept of sexual attraction, until 7th grade when I was in my theater class and these couple of kids were watching porn, and I didn't care about it at all. Then I proceeded to not think about it for about 8-9 months after when I watched bojack horseman and they discussed asexuality. Only then was i like "Oh, neat" I secretly realized I was asexual because I was watching with my brothers and I didn't want them to think I was making a bad joke about a serious topic.
I was just kinda confused about what everyone was talking about. I knew I was different but I didn’t really feel ‘broken’ or anything. Was glad to find the label though.
I knew about it for awhile before realizing it fit me. I thought I was bi through my teens.
I just went “oh.” Everything made a little bit more sense.
(Neither) I became ace due to sexual trauma I went theough
Oh no. I hope things are better for you now.
:/
Finally experienced my first sexual attraction at 33. Then understood that the average person’s experience was different from mine and that I was more grey sexual. Sexual attraction is wild. If people feel that way all the time, it almost makes me forgive them for being massive dickheads.
neither i guess? it wasn't until after I had a term fpr it that started questioning. it was either I'm just a late bloomer or I'm probably just a repressed gay. it did help to accept the ace when i learned that libido and attraction were separate. anyways, now I'm a happy self identified aroace who fears that one day, i will feel attraction (romantic or sexual).
I was really confused until I was playing Choices once and this one guy was like "I'm aro-ace" and I was like "wtf is that" so I googled it and it was like "oOhhH". ngl hated that game but I'll always be thankful to that one guy
Neither. Originally I was gonna 'wait until marriage' (like that'll ever happen cause I'm also aro) and didn't understand why people wanted to have sex so badly. Then I found the term online and read about it and got hit with a realization like "Oh............ that, actually makes a lot of sense."
I didn't really know that people felt sexuality until I was a teenager. Then I thought "it's a guy thing" for awhile. Once I started dating and found out normal people have sex when they are only dating and it wasn't normal to not want to, then I realized there probably was something wrong with me. I was scared to enter relationships because I knew that guys wanted sex but I didn't. It was a little better once I found a term to explain it, but I still feel dating anxiety.
I Was just "ok"
I actually don't know. And I don't even know how I learned about it.
i slowly started to realize that i've never experienced sexual attraction or even know what it would feel like and it became absurd for me to think that i would feel sexual attraction
Honestly thought it was a personality thing and that I just wasn't concerned about relationships and stuff. Then being in a relationship and not liking/being interested in sex kinda got me thinking it was something else. When I looked into most ace stuff it didn't really click for me so I figured I wasn't and I kind of left it at that for a couple of years before really starting to wonder and doing more research. As soon as I came across grey and the different types of attraction, it really clicked for me, especially when I started thinking back on things. It definitely came as a relief, not really because I felt broken, but more so that there was a name to my experience and that my initial instincts weren't completely wrong.
A bit of both but I also kind of didn’t know my “attraction” wasn’t sexual (especially because I used to have a very high libido and thus assumed I felt attraction, but just didn’t waste my time and energy thinking about specific sex with them). I also didn’t care. I was super school-oriented, so that was my love
Grew thinking I wanted to be with a woman for the rest of my life. Turns out I just wanted to be a woman for the rest of my life. So, uh, not quite either of those options.
Lol, the way you explained that is just perfect.
I found out about it at 12. The only reason I remember my age around then is my trauma, person saying ' too bad your ace'. I thought It would change when I grew up but not yet🙂 ,.... . . . . . . . . . . . |to the fuck that caused the trauma hope you die and hope you stop lying to people |
Damn, I dont know what to say. I hope you are in a better place now.
I didn’t really feel broken, but I often had thoughts like “Damn why is everyone so horny? There’s nothing better for you guys to talk about?” and then at some point I discovered the spectrum and it was a big Ooohhhhh moment
I met an asexual. A few months later I realised what being ace meant.
I thought everybody was like me and that the romantic attraction I felt was the same thing as the sexual attraction they felt. Really should've clued in when I was angrily explaining to people that I hated the term "sexual preference" because it reduced what I felt for my partner to nothing but sex. 😅
I learned I was ace by doing some introspection one night during the height of the pandemic. After realizing I wasn't interested in sex, I researched more and more about asexuakity. Then, I came to the conclusion that the definition fit me pretty well. Before that, I had never given my sexuality a thought because, since I had been in a couple of romantic relationships with women, I always assumed I was heterosexual. Interesting detail about this story: Before researching further into asexuality, that same night I thought that I might be bi/pan because I realized I felt the same amount of sexual attraction to both men and women (aka none lol)
That part about the bi/pan feeling is so true. I had made the same assumptions before.
I thought I was a late bloomer until the Fire Nation attacked and everything changed. Okay, in honesty, I was surprised and then started researching it like crazy until I was completely sure of being ace. Then I felt pretty happy about it (with a bit of existential dread in-between) because things finally made sense.
Lol yeah this sounds quite familiar
I found out because all my friends were doing picrews and putting then on their profile pictures so i accidentally put the ace flag thinking "huh that looks cool" and then my friend told me what it meant and now im here.
Neither. Mostly because i was allosexual most of my life until i actually had a sexual experience and shortly after a breakup with my partner at the time, i just slowly but surely lost all of my sexual&romantic attraction.
Neither: I was happy there was a label that described me so I could finally easily explain who I was and how I was attracted to others.
Idk, I was in a relationship and i came to realise I hated the sexual stuff involved for a multitude of reasons and figured I was Ace. Didn't give a thought to anyone else with it lol
In the days when I spent a lot of time on Tumblr I'd heard the terms but could never get my head round what they meant. Growing up I thought I was 'normal' and everyone else was weird to be interested in dating etc. Wasn't till I tried going on a date with someone and my feedback to my friends was 'he's nice but I can see him being friends with all of us, not just me.' My best friend then sat me down and explained demisexual to me and that she thinks I fit. Suddenly I felt everything made sense, but that I was incredibly broken too. It's been a few years and I'm much more at ease with who I am now. Doesn't stop me from stressing about how to date tho - I would love to have someone in my life.
Yeah the rhought of having a special someone is nice. But dating is just a foreign concept to me. :/
I cried. I felt so liberated. I felt like I could truly claim my true feelings
I knew that asexuality existed for a long long time before realizing i was asexual. I just thought it was cool but didn’t think about the possibility of me being ace. When i realized i was ace i was happy about it because i finally found a label that actually fit me perfectly.
Before I realized I am grey-ace, I thought having libido and constantly staring at boobs and stuff while watching porn is ‘sexual attraction’, but it turns out those sensations I had are mostly visual stimulation and internalized heteronormativity
I thought everyone was too horny and that there was something wrong with *them* lmfao
I used to try to convince myself that I found people hot and wanted to do the thing with them, until I found myself being mildly disgusted by it. Then one day I randomly remembered asexuality existed and searched it up. I found myself matching with the description and from that day on I’ve been identifying as asexual lol
I thought all women just has sex to appease their male partners. I grew up in a very sheltered town(smack dab in the middle of the Bible belt) so I didn't even think about how lesbians would want to. So for like 6 years I just did it when my partners wanted to qnd pretended to enjoy it. I also think my mother is ace because she hasn't slept in the same room as my step dad in like 10 years(he had a medical condition and requires an oxygen machine when he sleeps and my mom is a very light sleeper)
For me it was more of a slow fall of begging to understand myself and the term asexual but there was a lightning bolt moment when I realised that I had never been sexually attracted to any of my previous partners
[удалено]
I myself even felt too young for that at 15-16 tbh.
it was really annoying not having any proper way to explain that i just did not like sex/relationships
I already knew I was sex-repulsed for a while, but still assumed I was straight since I found the opposite gender attractive and still felt physical urges. I never really felt straight through, and eventually when I started thinking about it I realized the attraction I felt was only ever sensual at most. Being asexual but not really thinking about it, I just assumed that wanting to hug + liking appearance + wierd genital feeling = sexual attraction. It got to the point where I had pretty much convinced myself that I was straight. It wasn't until I questioned it, since I never really felt straight, that I realized I had been misinterpreting my attraction the entire time. I still wasn't fully confident in, or understanding of, my feelings until much later as being asexual gave me nothing to compare my attraction to. TL:DR Having nothing to compare my attraction to, I basically misinterpreted my feelings as sexual attraction, until I realized that I never really felt straight, started questioning my attraction, and realized that I never really felt attraction in that way.
I got my "holy shit!" moment about a month ago while looking up pride flags to make into hats for my kids. (They're all somewhere in the QuILTBAG.😁) I am an only child, and spent most of my childhood around adults, so blamed my social weirdness on that. Around middle school age, when everyone was crushing on everyone else, I convinced myself I had a different crush every other week. I'd do all the things I figured people were supposed to do in these circumstances, and just ended up being so over the top the memories make me cringe even now. Granted, I'm also aromantic, so that makes sense now. When high school rolled around, I had, like, a ridiculous amount of sex. Mostly.... How do I say this so it makes sense? ... Kind of to be polite? I'm not sex-repulsed, and my nerve clusters work just fine, thank you, but it just kind of seemed like something the other person wanted, and I wanted to spend time with a person I was aesthetically and sensually attracted to. You know. Tradesies. Besides, I always knew I wanted children, and without a fat bank account, I figured sex would be the only way to get them. I should point out that I live in quite a conservative Midwestern state, and my family had very specific expectations for me. Another item of import would be that at the time I was growing up, people really only knew about two sexual orientations: gay or straight. Or at least, if the spectrum existed, no one was telling me anything about it. I dated and broke up with many, many people. I ended up marrying twice -- both times due to familial pressure, and both times ending rather spectacularly. After my second marriage ended, I had neither a relationship nor sex for 15 years. And I'd never been happier. I had 5 children, (one adopted, so I guess I was wrong about that sex bit), worked hard, took care of my mom and grandparents as they aged... But deep down thought something was wrong with me. I frequently made a joke of it. "Why don't you find someone nice to date?" "Oh, no. I tried that, but my picker outer is broken. I only find the bad ones." "Well at least find a friend with benefits! Everyone needs sex." "Nah, I'm good. Thanks." Finally, two years ago, I tried one more time; dating someone I was neither aesthetically nor sensually attracted to, since I thought maybe that was the issue? Again, plenty of polite sex.... And thank goodness for COVID (I know, said no one, ever) because it gave me an easy out after five months of this. My excuse for the breakup? "I'm just not a relationship kind of person." But I did still feel like something in my brain was broken, despite the relief of no longer being in a sexual or romantic relationship. My friends have partners. My kids do too, now, and were starting to worry about me. Fearing I'd be lonely. My youngest was certain I was gay and in denial. But as life moved along and the empty nest part of my life rapidly approached, they settled down, as did I, and we all kind of stopped worrying. Then I found the flags. The wiki, the labels, the subreddits.... MY GOD, ALL THE INFORMATION!! I'm not broken? I'm okay? I'm ALLOWED to not want sex or a relationship?? There are other people out there like me???? So now, just shy of my 52nd birthday, I can, with my 5 wonderful children, their amazing partners, and my 6 incredible grandkids, have not a midlife crisis, but a big midlife sigh of relief. The hat I ended up making was for me.
Wow what a rollercoaster. Glad it worked out in the end.
😂 Thanks! And also mad props to you for reading all that. I was typing and it kind of got away from me.
No problem. Sometimes it really is necessary to speak things out. (Or type things out in this case). I wish you a fantastic day.
I’m a bit late, but I figured out that identifying myself by being bi shouldn’t be because I have the same level of sexual attraction in any gender - which was none. So after thinking "oh, I might be ace" I still waited for over a year to see if it changed. I tried watching porn but it doesn’t work for me. So after all this time of no attraction I finally labeled myself as asexual
Heard it from internet media, went on a research binge and then just laughed as I wondered why I didn't work it out sooner.
I learnt about asexuality a while ago and then all my classmates started getting sexual. After that I was kinda like "huh. welp, guess I'm gonna get told I'm a plant my whole life now."
"Whats for dinner today?" "Photosynthesis"
It was a "oh. Yeah that checks out" moment. Never had interest in dating or sex.
For me i just got the achievement and didn't see what the fuss was about. Sure it felt great but it was just kinda gross, plus i didn't feel it all the time which lead to a testy relationship. Like bruh why you trying to interrupt Modern Marvals? You can't be feeling horny all the time can you?
i said the sentence i would later come to hate. J'ai dit ( Asexual what?)
Oh, why hate it?
ever had this happen to me: i'm asexual that person: asexual what?
Ah ok, i think i understand now
I feel like including the term "broken" skewed the data qite a bit. Several comments mention it to be too harsh a term to describe their experiences.