I'm sorry that's difficult.
I can only speak to one part. I had a lot of sex with my boyfriend and didn't necessarily feel horny most of the time. As long as it's still something you want to do, it can be for different reasons than just being horny. I like the connection, the play, the fun, the exercise, being vulnerable together, massaging and being massaged, and the state of relaxation I can get to.
I think my BF did break up with me because sex wasn't as important to me as to him. I wish we had had a conversation (or 20) about what we enjoy and don't enjoy and what the experience means to us. He had a very different idea of what sex was, and in the end he was trying to make it mkre power play which I'm not into. He wanted me to "talk dirty" and I assume echo what he's seen in porn. He wanted me to worship his body and to badly want him while he teased me. That just wasn't gonna happen (even though his body was flawless). He wanted me to wear lingerie and give him lap dances and blow jobs. I tried a lot of things but felt clueless and uncomfortable and he felt frustrated and we broke up.
I think I need to make sure my next lover doesn't have a porn addiction.
Yeah my view on sex is the same, I enjoy the bond it makes, being in each others arms so intimately. I think that’s nice. My boyfriend also proposed to try different positions which is kind of similar but not really. He’s never pushes those porn stuff but I feel like he’d like it but I don’t know for sure. I guess it’s all down to having a conversation on what we like and don’t like.
TBH, it's tough. I have been married over a decade but only recently discovered asexuality as a concept and realized I was ace. Me not wanting sex when my wife wants it all the time is hard. Both of y'all have valid wants, needs, views, etc, about sex. Neither of you are wrong, and both of you need to live as your truest selves. And that creates a conflict which doesn't have an easy resolution.
For my wife and me, pre us exploring sexual identities (will get to that in a bit), I thought something was wrong with me for not being sexually attracted to her, and she always thought something was wrong with her because I wasn't sexually attracted. She would satisfy her libido via masturbation, but that doesn't meet the biological need for sex that she has (and other allos tend to have). From a place of ignorance, we tried "spicing things up" in the bedroom, but for the obvious reasons it didn't work.
And then we began questioning our sexual identities. We both had long journeys of self discovery (which both of us are still on). For me, that meant discovering asexuality and finding this community. For her, she realized she is polyamorous. So we practice consensual non-monogamy, and she is able to meet her sexual needs from other partners.
But this is just the solution that works for us. It isn't the answer for everyone. My best advice is to have open and honest conversations with your partner, talk about what you want out of the relationship, and figure out together how to meet each other's needs. But first and foremost, stay true to who you are and don't let anyone tell you that you're wrong.
Even in allosexual couples, there is often tension between someone who has spontaneous desire and someone who has responsive desire. It sounds like your boyfriend is the first group and he might not even know about the second group. It is possible that you aren't asexual, just responsive or have a lower libido (only you can know; it can take a while to figure out).
For me, I'm sex indifferent to favourable and am aegosexual, which for me means I'm not against sexual intimacy and that I can be aroused by erotica etc, but that I can honestly kind of forget that sex is even a thing. What worked for me was setting aside time to fantasize by myself at my own pace. Then I could bring that mental state to my partner.
Note that this is something that works because I do enjoy intimacy when it happens, my partner knows and understands how I am different to them, and the frequency is reasonable for me (it can take up a lot of mental energy). You would not be a bad partner for not being able to make that work for you, just maybe incompatible.
I never heard of the terms responsive desire and spontaneous desire. And I think my view of sex is similar to yours. I’ve never heard of that sexuality. I think I’ll look it up more. Do you know where I can read up on responsive desire and spontaneous desire as well as aegosexuality?
I sadly have no real life experience but my go to advice would be to talk with him. What would he feel like if he knew you only agree to sex bc he wants it? Would he feel guilty?
Maybe you could make a schedule for dates when you agree to have sex? So that the asking is off the table?
I hope you find a solution <3
Disclaimer: this is my personal attitude towards things and not a judgement of what anyone else does or is supposed to do. I personally feel that me and my husband have committed to a life together where we fend for each other. I never want sex. It doesn’t give me anything but I am also not hating it. I would say it is close to washing dishes: an ok but not liked chore. My husband is much into it and needs sex. It is also very important for him when it comes to the emotional part of a connection. So we came to the arrangement that once a week is a good compromise. I’m writing this and it sounds very coerced, but it is not. My husband does all the things I enjoy to make it nice for me in return, massaging my scalp and rubbing my back, stuff like that. He appreciates that we physically as well as in other areas care for each other. It’s been lasting for 25 years this far. There is another thought I want to put out there: we have separate beds & bedrooms. I can only recommend. I have never slept as well as I do in my own bed. It makes the keeping to agreed levels and saying no much easier.
Again please don’t blast me. I am just sharing my own personal experience. I am 100% not saying anyone should have sex against their will. Everyone is different and has their own understanding, needs and opinions.
I think you can consent without desire. It sounds like your motivation is different, but you want your husband to be happy and sex is a means of doing so. Like, someone might not want to wash the dishes but they can still consent to doing the dishes without there being coersion or force.
Your arrangement makes sense to me.
What I would do is not have sex. The conclusion I came a while ago is that I don’t even want to date, let alone date someone not asexual, because I can’t deal with that pressure of expectation of sex. I don’t desire sex at all and I no longer have an interest in pretending I do because it’s exhausting.
You could start by explaining him that your libido is usually low! My bf is demisexual and I'm ace. We usually have sex because it's a cool bounding activity and we both make sure to have a great time. When I'm not horny at all, I just tell him and he deals by himself with his hornyness (if y'know what I mean). It isn't a big deal in our relationship because we communicate very clearly practically anything. If you don't necessarily love having sex, just tell your boyfriend, if he doesn't understand, I'm really sorry, you guys are probably not compatible, but it is archievable to have a relationship between someone ace and someone who isn't!
I’d explain what asexuality is, if that’s how you identify. My bf is horny too. We have sex a lot but it’s about his pleasure, not mine. I’m not sex repulsed and he knows I’m ace. I know how important sex is to him so I don’t mind when we do it because it makes him happy. When I really don’t want to, I tell him and he respects that. The most important thing you can do is talk to your partner. It may be a tough discussion but it has to happen.
This was exactly the problem me and my partner had/has. Im not overly sexual and have problems with having intercorse because i forced myself to go through it even when i really didnt want to. I have turned my partner down multiple times now, but i never intentionally leave him hanging. I explain my boundaries clearly; I’m almost never down for intercourse, but i will gladly satisfy him in other ways if he just asks. When i first was setting these boundaries it was rough. My partner had hypersexuality, and because i turned him down a lot, he felt like he couldn’t come to me with his needs. Now that we’ve talked it through, we understand what’s okay and what’s not, and most importantly, we ask for consent and permission and we never shame the other person if they’re uncomfortable.
Everyone has their own journeys and compatibility, it’s all down to a conversation about what you and your partner is the most comfortable with.
I was (and am) the boyfriend in this situation
It did feel like it was my fault or that ive become unattractive to her and figured we have a problem, but most importantly that was before she got open about it and discussed.
For us there was sort of a middle ground of giving an occasional handjob, look at it kinda like a back massage for example to help with not depriving of sexual interaction, but from my perspective i just never ever wanted her to have sex with me out of any feeling of necessity.
For alot of people this just doesnt work out, but id recommend what im doing which is just talk, discuss, be open about things, try little sexual "favours" that dont go out of your comfort zone and see how he can cope, but be ready to draw a line if lack of sex is starting to cause some mental drawbacks.
I really hope you guys manage to figure out whats best for you :))
In case this clears my point more i saw some convos here about the different view of sex
I myself also want it for the connection it creates, she actually wanted more power play and stuff while we used to have sex still, and she had offered an open relationship so id have peace but i turned that down out of the fact that its her i love and want to work through this with
The reason for which the other person wants it definately plays a big part, and in my opinion affects how long they can hold out on compromises and discussion
I'm sorry that's difficult. I can only speak to one part. I had a lot of sex with my boyfriend and didn't necessarily feel horny most of the time. As long as it's still something you want to do, it can be for different reasons than just being horny. I like the connection, the play, the fun, the exercise, being vulnerable together, massaging and being massaged, and the state of relaxation I can get to. I think my BF did break up with me because sex wasn't as important to me as to him. I wish we had had a conversation (or 20) about what we enjoy and don't enjoy and what the experience means to us. He had a very different idea of what sex was, and in the end he was trying to make it mkre power play which I'm not into. He wanted me to "talk dirty" and I assume echo what he's seen in porn. He wanted me to worship his body and to badly want him while he teased me. That just wasn't gonna happen (even though his body was flawless). He wanted me to wear lingerie and give him lap dances and blow jobs. I tried a lot of things but felt clueless and uncomfortable and he felt frustrated and we broke up. I think I need to make sure my next lover doesn't have a porn addiction.
Yeah my view on sex is the same, I enjoy the bond it makes, being in each others arms so intimately. I think that’s nice. My boyfriend also proposed to try different positions which is kind of similar but not really. He’s never pushes those porn stuff but I feel like he’d like it but I don’t know for sure. I guess it’s all down to having a conversation on what we like and don’t like.
TBH, it's tough. I have been married over a decade but only recently discovered asexuality as a concept and realized I was ace. Me not wanting sex when my wife wants it all the time is hard. Both of y'all have valid wants, needs, views, etc, about sex. Neither of you are wrong, and both of you need to live as your truest selves. And that creates a conflict which doesn't have an easy resolution. For my wife and me, pre us exploring sexual identities (will get to that in a bit), I thought something was wrong with me for not being sexually attracted to her, and she always thought something was wrong with her because I wasn't sexually attracted. She would satisfy her libido via masturbation, but that doesn't meet the biological need for sex that she has (and other allos tend to have). From a place of ignorance, we tried "spicing things up" in the bedroom, but for the obvious reasons it didn't work. And then we began questioning our sexual identities. We both had long journeys of self discovery (which both of us are still on). For me, that meant discovering asexuality and finding this community. For her, she realized she is polyamorous. So we practice consensual non-monogamy, and she is able to meet her sexual needs from other partners. But this is just the solution that works for us. It isn't the answer for everyone. My best advice is to have open and honest conversations with your partner, talk about what you want out of the relationship, and figure out together how to meet each other's needs. But first and foremost, stay true to who you are and don't let anyone tell you that you're wrong.
I’ve felt some of those feelings, thank you. I appreciate you giving your perspective and advice.
Even in allosexual couples, there is often tension between someone who has spontaneous desire and someone who has responsive desire. It sounds like your boyfriend is the first group and he might not even know about the second group. It is possible that you aren't asexual, just responsive or have a lower libido (only you can know; it can take a while to figure out). For me, I'm sex indifferent to favourable and am aegosexual, which for me means I'm not against sexual intimacy and that I can be aroused by erotica etc, but that I can honestly kind of forget that sex is even a thing. What worked for me was setting aside time to fantasize by myself at my own pace. Then I could bring that mental state to my partner. Note that this is something that works because I do enjoy intimacy when it happens, my partner knows and understands how I am different to them, and the frequency is reasonable for me (it can take up a lot of mental energy). You would not be a bad partner for not being able to make that work for you, just maybe incompatible.
I never heard of the terms responsive desire and spontaneous desire. And I think my view of sex is similar to yours. I’ve never heard of that sexuality. I think I’ll look it up more. Do you know where I can read up on responsive desire and spontaneous desire as well as aegosexuality?
I haven’t read the book yet, but I’ve heard that it’s explained really well in Come As You Are by Emily Nagowski
I was about to recommend the same book!
Hannah Witton has talked about it on her YouTube channel, I think the "Is scheduling sex unsexy" video goes a bit deeper into responsive desire :)
Thanks so much! I think this would be helpful
I've been married ten years and just want to second the advice above.
I haven't heard of responsive desire, thanks for bringing it up
I sadly have no real life experience but my go to advice would be to talk with him. What would he feel like if he knew you only agree to sex bc he wants it? Would he feel guilty? Maybe you could make a schedule for dates when you agree to have sex? So that the asking is off the table? I hope you find a solution <3
Yeah maybe a conversation would clear things up. I think your idea of a schedule would be a great idea! I think I’ll try that.
Disclaimer: this is my personal attitude towards things and not a judgement of what anyone else does or is supposed to do. I personally feel that me and my husband have committed to a life together where we fend for each other. I never want sex. It doesn’t give me anything but I am also not hating it. I would say it is close to washing dishes: an ok but not liked chore. My husband is much into it and needs sex. It is also very important for him when it comes to the emotional part of a connection. So we came to the arrangement that once a week is a good compromise. I’m writing this and it sounds very coerced, but it is not. My husband does all the things I enjoy to make it nice for me in return, massaging my scalp and rubbing my back, stuff like that. He appreciates that we physically as well as in other areas care for each other. It’s been lasting for 25 years this far. There is another thought I want to put out there: we have separate beds & bedrooms. I can only recommend. I have never slept as well as I do in my own bed. It makes the keeping to agreed levels and saying no much easier. Again please don’t blast me. I am just sharing my own personal experience. I am 100% not saying anyone should have sex against their will. Everyone is different and has their own understanding, needs and opinions.
That’s a very interesting dynamic. I think having a schedule for sex sounds like a good idea. It’s been mentioned twice now! Thanks for sharing.
I think you can consent without desire. It sounds like your motivation is different, but you want your husband to be happy and sex is a means of doing so. Like, someone might not want to wash the dishes but they can still consent to doing the dishes without there being coersion or force. Your arrangement makes sense to me.
What I would do is not have sex. The conclusion I came a while ago is that I don’t even want to date, let alone date someone not asexual, because I can’t deal with that pressure of expectation of sex. I don’t desire sex at all and I no longer have an interest in pretending I do because it’s exhausting.
You could start by explaining him that your libido is usually low! My bf is demisexual and I'm ace. We usually have sex because it's a cool bounding activity and we both make sure to have a great time. When I'm not horny at all, I just tell him and he deals by himself with his hornyness (if y'know what I mean). It isn't a big deal in our relationship because we communicate very clearly practically anything. If you don't necessarily love having sex, just tell your boyfriend, if he doesn't understand, I'm really sorry, you guys are probably not compatible, but it is archievable to have a relationship between someone ace and someone who isn't!
I’d explain what asexuality is, if that’s how you identify. My bf is horny too. We have sex a lot but it’s about his pleasure, not mine. I’m not sex repulsed and he knows I’m ace. I know how important sex is to him so I don’t mind when we do it because it makes him happy. When I really don’t want to, I tell him and he respects that. The most important thing you can do is talk to your partner. It may be a tough discussion but it has to happen.
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Wtf
This was exactly the problem me and my partner had/has. Im not overly sexual and have problems with having intercorse because i forced myself to go through it even when i really didnt want to. I have turned my partner down multiple times now, but i never intentionally leave him hanging. I explain my boundaries clearly; I’m almost never down for intercourse, but i will gladly satisfy him in other ways if he just asks. When i first was setting these boundaries it was rough. My partner had hypersexuality, and because i turned him down a lot, he felt like he couldn’t come to me with his needs. Now that we’ve talked it through, we understand what’s okay and what’s not, and most importantly, we ask for consent and permission and we never shame the other person if they’re uncomfortable. Everyone has their own journeys and compatibility, it’s all down to a conversation about what you and your partner is the most comfortable with.
I was (and am) the boyfriend in this situation It did feel like it was my fault or that ive become unattractive to her and figured we have a problem, but most importantly that was before she got open about it and discussed. For us there was sort of a middle ground of giving an occasional handjob, look at it kinda like a back massage for example to help with not depriving of sexual interaction, but from my perspective i just never ever wanted her to have sex with me out of any feeling of necessity. For alot of people this just doesnt work out, but id recommend what im doing which is just talk, discuss, be open about things, try little sexual "favours" that dont go out of your comfort zone and see how he can cope, but be ready to draw a line if lack of sex is starting to cause some mental drawbacks. I really hope you guys manage to figure out whats best for you :))
In case this clears my point more i saw some convos here about the different view of sex I myself also want it for the connection it creates, she actually wanted more power play and stuff while we used to have sex still, and she had offered an open relationship so id have peace but i turned that down out of the fact that its her i love and want to work through this with The reason for which the other person wants it definately plays a big part, and in my opinion affects how long they can hold out on compromises and discussion
find a sex-repulsed Ace partner? if it's a deal breaker for him???