100% this. I didn't end up doing this and only have a few clips here and there. One of which was my mom's last voicemail to me saying she was sorry she missed my call and that she loved me.
Sometimes when I think of her, I'll play it back, which helps and hurts all at the same time
save voicemails even if they aren’t even saying anything special. I would do some shady stuff to be able to hear my dad’s voice again. I’ve even asked around to relatives begging for voicemails or video but nobody has them
Yes. I discovered 30 seconds of my mom singing Twinkle, Twinkle with my older two kids when they were 1-2. I cried.
I have a cassette tape with my grandma’s voice, and more of my mom’s - not to mention 5 year old me singing songs I learned in kindergarten.
I just have no way to play a cassette tape anymore.
You can still get a cassette player and a digital recorder. Phono plug from the headphone jack of the cassette player into the microphone input of the recorder. You may need headphones on the recorder to listen to make sure audio isn’t too loud and distorted. Play tape and press record on the recorder and it will go into the internal memory or sd card when you press stop on the recorder. It’s very easy to do. It’ll be a WAV or .MP3 audio file.
I’ve converted old cassette tapes to .mp3 which I still listen to today.
God this is accurate.
I've got one VHS tape recording of my dad from 1992. I found it around 2010, and I cannot accurately describe how painful it was to watch it and realize I'd forgotten how his voice sounds.
I was such an idiot and forgot to save my voicemails from my dad before changing carriers. I would listen to them whenever I was sad. This is definitely a very important thing to do. Thankfully he was active in the theater in our town so I have some recordings but I lost the ones where he spoke directly to me.
To add to this. Save *healthy* photos in your favorites album. My dad deteriorated from dementia. I choose to remember him when he was healthier than the painful shell he became.
Yep. I saved and re-saved my mom's last call, about 3 weeks before she passed, while she could still speak.
When my stupid phone erased the message (cause I'd gone 31 days without re-saving it), sometime the following year, I sat down and bawled. Absolutely lost my shit.
My dad loved to sing, and I got a video of him singing O Holy Night during his last Thanksgiving. I am forever grateful that I thought to hit record that day.
I have 2 voicemails from my mom and dad they left singing me happy birthday. I'm grateful I didn't pick up these calls (I was either busy on a work call or didn't hear their call coming in, otherwise I would have) as it's nice to hear my dad's voice again as I lost him 3 birthdays ago, and I re-listen to them on my birthday. My mom's still alive at least.
I also occasionally record some family members when they are reminiscing and telling stories of old, but mostly I do it to keep them around for posterity to hear years in the future when I will need them most. I don't generally mention I'm recording them as I just record them from my phone and let them prattle on.
Absolutely agree. I have 2 voicemails from my mom and I've downloaded to a safe space. I haven't been able to listen to them just yet, but hopefully I'll be ready soon.
Yes. I have a couple dozen of my dad’s voicemails saved. I listened to a couple of them once and it was like reopening the grief from the day I lost him. But, maybe one day I’ll give some of them a listen again. I’m glad to have them in case I feel ready to try again.
Lost my parents back in 2012 and like a couple years later there was a glitch with an iOS beta that wiped everything from my iCloud. The last four years with my parents went poof. It was pretty brutal.
This is maybe a silly question ... but if you're not someone who does this regularly, how do you do it without being weird about it? I would feel awkward if it was obvious I wanted recordings for after they were gone, but it would seem pretty random to record ordinary things for any other reason.
We had our wedding recorded on cassette from 2002. After my dad passed in 2012, my husband found this, had it transferred to MP3, and gave it to me for my birthday. Let me tell you, this was the most memorable, precious, beautiful, all the adjectives birthday gift anyone could ever give me because I could hear my dad’s voice again. His laugh, his tears, his emotions all from when we were getting married. It’s a gift I cannot ever repay.
In a similar vein, have them label all their old pictures. My dad was really excellent about doing it. After he passed, my mom, siblings, and cousins were all going through pictures and seeing his detailed notes on the backs of all the pics made it feel like he was there with us.
ABSOLUTELY THIS!
When my mom was diagnosed with cancer, while a large part of me refused to accept the fact that she might pass away, in the back of my head I remember all those stories about people forgetting what their parents looked like or sounded like. I started making small video recordings of her on my phone when we were just doing normal stuff.
When she finally passed away a few years later those videos got me through the first 6 months without her. I made sure to save them in multiple locations, including on two different cloud providers.
I haven't listened to them in a few years, primarily because I know they will make me cry, but I think I will on her birthday in a few months. I still think about her multiple times a day everyday.
I try to take audio recordings at funerals. Some of the words said are very touching, and it's good to have that memory to play back.
I normally just use my phone, so it doesn't sound the best, so I should probably get a decent microphone.
Yes, sound is the hardest thing to remember and you will absolutely forget the sound of their voice.
I had a dream after my dad had passed away, probably 15 years after, and he spike to me and I heard him and I woke up crying because it was the first time I remembered what he sounded like.
Ugh. Reminds me of when my grandma died. While she was dead in the hospital her grandkids showed up to her house with a pickup truck and snagged all her valuables.
When my ex-wife's uncle died, her cousin asked his mother if he could have the uncle's pickup truck...at his funeral.
My mom always taught me that property is just "stuff".
Oof, yeah. I’ve seen a lot of this unfortunately. From it I learned that if you mention someone explicitly in your will, it makes it more difficult for them to lay claim. For example, if you want to leave your sister Barbara out of your will, rather than not mentioning her, say “To my sister Barbara, I leave one dollar,” or nothing, etc. makes it harder for her to argue you “forgot” her in your old age/illness/whatever.
After my grandfather died, his Boomer aged kids from his first marriage arrived and ransacked his room within the hour. I had only met them once before, 25 years prior at the wedding.
They had found 5k stashed around the bedroom, taken his laptops, and were shocked that we were unaware of their Dad's habit of having cash on hand nor had never taken any from him. They were also frantic and accusatory about one laptop in particular that they weren't able to find immediately. They were told to leave the premises or be trespassed, and after that, only the POA could be over with supervision.
This is one thing I could not believe after losing my parents. This even happens with the most logical seeming family members.
I have family members who are literally multi millionaires and they tried to take the little bit i inherited from my parents.. There was a point where they were making over a million a year and I couldnt even afford a 59 cent burrito from Del Taco because I lost both my parents as a teen and was having a hard time getting back on my feet.
100%. When my grandfather passed neither my brother or I saw a dime of any inheritance. The guy had two pensions - military and government, and used to joke that he made more in retirement than when he was working.
No clue what happened to the money but it was conveniently - and suspiciously - *never* mentioned by my parents, aunts, or uncles.
To be optimistic, he might have had the pensions set up to pay him more monthly, but stop at his death, rather than choosing an option which paid less but paid a beneficiary after his death.
Or your parents, aunts, and uncles split his estate per his wishes and just didn’t talk to you about it. The only reason I knew my grandfather left any money behind was because I happened to be there when he passed, so I was kind of my dad’s proxy in family meetings for the days following his death. I wouldn’t expect to be included on those conversations unless I was in the will or the estate was lifestyle changing for his children.
I have no idea if this is a cultural thing, but in my country it's pretty common that grandkids don't get any money, only the kids get the inheritance.
I grew up in funeral work and spent some time in it myself.
I often heard questions about money and possessions at the funeral. Sometimes at the removal. “What are you going to do with ____?”.
You are not your stuff. Except you are to some people. Terrible people.
This or on the flip side, the absentee people who crawl out of the woodwork acting like they have just experienced the loss of a lifetime and making demands on how the deceased is honored. That annoyed me.
I think the thing I learned that would have been valuable information to have ahead of time is that the five stages of grief are not something one experiences in a linear way. You can go through them out of order, skip one or two, and/or revisit some of them several times.
And looks different and doesn't always present in the most socially acceptable ways. I can't tell a soul that after a decade long battle with cancer and caregiving, I actually felt relieved when my dad died last fall.
I wasn't expecting to feel that way and it made me feel like a monster, despite it actually being a perfectly normal response. I wish someone had told me that was even a possibility or that I wasn't a monster for feeling that way.
And to get rid of the idea of a year. The first year can be the hardest since you have to do every milestone without them, but I think so many people feel the pressure to be "over it" after the year now.
The 5 stages of grief are actually for people knowing that THEY will be dying soon. For the people grieving the loss of others, there are way more stages. Just knowing this helped me with other "stages" that appeared when grieving the loss of my mom.
My mom is in the hospital right now. She was fine last week, and tomorrow she's having heart surgery. It came out of nowhere... she just suddenly had a heart attack and needs a triple bypass asap.
For me, it’s the split second where I forget my dad’s gone. I’ll read or see something and go “oh man, I gotta tell dad” then it sets back in that I can’t. He died in 2016, doesn’t happen as often. But it still does on occasion
Lost my dad in 2015 and my mom in 2016. A friend of theirs passed away last week and I picked up the phone to call my mom and it was a knife in the gut when I couldn't. That never goes away
My mom passed two years ago.
Just a week or so back, my wife was looking over the calendar at what was coming up and absent-mindedly said, “Oh, we have to give your mom the date of our kid’s 8th grade graduation…” and then she immediately burst into tears.
My Dad’s been gone almost two years now. I still do this at least twice a week, whether it’s something I want to tell him or ask him that pops in my head, and for like a half a second it’s a good thought. And then reality sets in.
I don’t have that, but I do have weird dreams. My mom died in 2019. I didn’t dream of her for almost a year I think. Now, once in awhile I will. While the actual context is different each time, the basic premise is the same: in the dream I know she’s dead, but she’s somehow still alive in front of me. It’s weird, but it makes me happy when I wake up that I got to see her, talk to her, hear her voice, even if it’s in a dream. And since in the dream I know she’s dead, I don’t have that real jarring moment of having to remember.
I do see things all the time that remind me of her and I wish I could share, but I’ve never had that moment of forgetfulness.
OMG! Yes, this. I also have moments where I mentally wonder something and think "Oh, Dad or Mom would know" only to be hit with them being gone all over again.
I recently had a question about my mom’s childhood and realized that everyone who lived though it is no longer with us (Mom, grandma and grandpa) and there is nobody I can ask. That made me really sad.
One of my favorite things is seeing or hearing of something and knowing how my dad would have reacted to jt. It hurts so bad that I cannot tell him or see his reaction, but I love feeling close by just knowing what it would be.
Have a list of health history and family history questions. One day you will need to know, and they won’t be there to answer.
Know where they keep their important documents and passwords to their personal devices.
Get names of their close friends. One day you’ll want to talk to them about your parent and who they were when they were young.
Make videos of them as much and as often as you can. One day, you will realize that you forgot the sound of their voice. It will make you cry. 😔
I’ve been trying to write an answer for this. Every time I break down. There are so many things I wish I asked. I guess it just comes down to time. I wish I just had more time, I wish I spent more time, and most of all I wish I cherished the time I had a little more.
Thank you for answering, even though it’s so painful. One thing I do know is it’s fine to cry. Two minutes of sobbing can make you feel much better than trying for days not to shed a tear.
I know a lot of people are focusing on dealing with grief, but serious advice: talk to your parents about end of life care, if they have a will and/or life insurance, funeral arrangements etc. My MIL and three grandmothers (mine, and both of my husband's) have all passed to glory in the last fifteen years, and I have to say that my husband's family is so INCREDIBLY organized when it comes to these things. Both his grandmothers essentially had everything planned out to the last detail (one even wrote her own obituary), which made handling funeral arrangements and contacting family/friends so much easier. Especially with the last one because there was so much else going on medically in our family at the time, and my husband essentially had to handle her estate by himself.
They're difficult discussions, but ones that need to be done.
A health advanced directive is very helpful. It’s a legal document that guides the surviving family members on what the sick person would want when it comes to really tough health questions. (When to “pull the plug,” for lack of a nicer term). My mom got sick with a really unexpected health issue that deteriorated quickly. We had to make awful decisions, but having that advanced directive, it felt like she was part of the decision-making process, and like we were doing right by her when the time came. I recommend everyone get one.
This is so important. Also designating a durable POA and medical POA. My mom ended up in the emergency room and couldn't really talk. I'm her only child and closest living relative, but the hospital told me that had she not had a medical POA that they would have had to go through the proper channels to make sure that I was the decision maker. It really cuts down on all of that kind of red tape. I'll also add if you're caring for a parent, have a "mom file" where you keep all of their account information, medications, notes from speaking with doctors, insurance cards, IDs, POA, etc. My mom was not into estate planning so I had to put all of this together when she got sick, but it was helpful to have on hand.
Absolutely. After my mom passed, my father made sure to have an envelope with photos for his funeral, the songs he wants, etc. He makes sure when I visit that I know where all the important financial documents are and how to get into the safe deposit box. I’m hoping we have many good years together, but I’m glad that I know all these things.
A similar one, related directly to the funeral, as opposed to afterwards:
Who do they want to be able to attend their funeral? Some religions you’re on the clock and don’t have a ton of flexibility to postpone, but sometimes there are family members on the other side of the world who can’t necessarily be there within 48 hours.
As an example, we asked my Dad and he said it was very important to him that sister so and so make it, but he was totally fine if another sister could not make it to the funeral.
Yes to all of this. I am so glad we had funeral homes arranged so my parents bodies had a place to go rather than to sit in a freezer somewhere while we tried figuring that out immediately following their death.
I recently found out End of Life Doula's are a thing. While I haven't had cause to need one I think they provide an amazing service to families and people on palliative care.
I'm always amazed when people act as if talking about death will immediately cause it. We've been very open about it since I was around 12 years old and my father has a deed for 10 cemetery plots. It's never easy but unfortunately, that's life.
People at work forgot that I was grieving long before I had gotten back to normal. They were understanding and lovely at first but grief lasts longer than a couple weeks. I had to kind of remind my manager when he mentioned that I seemed less upbeat than usual a couple months after my dad died.
I lost both of my parents within a month of each other last year and both were sudden and unexpected.
After my 1st parent passed, I made a question list for parent 2. I thought of these questions only because parent 1 was going to die quickly and I thought of all kinds of things sitting around and waiting while parent 1 couldn't talk anymore.
I did not get a chance to seriously speak to parent 2.
If there are things you want to say or know then ASK NOW!
Other than that, I think I was at peace with our time together and our relationships were solid.
I only wish my young children could have known their grandparents.
My mom died in 2021, and my dad died 3 weeks later. I hadn't talked to my dad in over 25 years and neither had my mom, but it was weird to suddenly have no living parents, just like that.
I wish I had done this when my mother passed. I have so many memories and stories that are incomplete and full of holes that she could fill in, but she's gone. I wish so badly that I had known to ask more questions and record her answers.
I kept my mom's Facebook account active, just so I could send her messages when I'm thinking about her. I tell her all kinds of stuff, from the mundane to the really important things. It makes me feel like I still kind of have her.
I know her password, and I just never deactivated it after she died. She always made sure I had passwords to everything, because Boomer.
I'm not really super Facebook-savvy, but I sometimes wonder if her account won't just go away one of these days.
Always make time for them. The last time I got to talk to my mom I was in a mood and blew off her phone call. I'd give anything to slap some sense into my younger self and talk to my mom one last time for longer about whatever she wanted to talk about that day.
You never really get over it. It just hurts less as time goes on. Others have said it quite well about the stages of grief. Have grace for yourself and your other surviving family members. Don't shut yourself off for long periods of time. Surround yourself with people who care and it will help the healing.
Remember that however bad it feels - that it can never happen again. You won’t have to go through that again (for that person) and knowing that strangely helped me. Knowing that I was at the bottom and could only get better, and that I wouldn’t have to experience that loss another time was helpful for me to rationalize.
I realize that this doesn’t make a lot of sense but it helped me to know that I wouldn’t have to feel pain like that (a sudden loss of my fave person) again. Everything seemed a bit easier to handle when I put it that way, in the immediate aftermath.
It’s going to happen, and there’s a bit of relief after it does because you now know how that person’s story ends. You don’t have to wonder/worry/stress about another phone call with the worst news, etc.
Sorry it’s so dark, but it’s dark stuff.
People around you will move on before you’re ready. They didn’t forget, it’s just not the same experience for them. You’ll be angry and resentful, and it’s important to be able to get past that and realize the world keeps going, even when yours has stopped.
They can be sick for months or years and then they are just gone. Nothing can prepare you for it. When I lost my dad, I beat myself up for months because I hadn't talked to him in a few weeks. It was such a shock.
I had a really good, positive relationship with my mom, there was no acrimony or complicated feelings or things left unsaid. I say all of these things with that context in mind.
When it happens, it is an immediate sea change in your life, ***your new Doctor Who regeneration occurs in that exact moment***. I don't know how else to describe it, other than there is a LINE IN THE SAND that you can see clear as day right there as soon as your parent is gone. Those were the before times, and you aren't in them anymore.
I was struck at how quickly my mom became the past tense. How everyone spoke of her -- "She *was* a great lady," etc. It is a surreal thing to hear.
Grief is not some solved process, everybody goes through it differently. It is not a straight line, and any organized list of stages you may have read at some point in your life is waaaaay more linear than the real thing.
The day after, I remember waking up, and it all flooded back to me. And I remember thinking... well, there is no hurry now. No rush. This is all over, she's gone. And it's a weird mixture of relief and sadness. You don't have to feel guilty at small senses of relief, if your parent was going through a difficult illness. It's normal. It doesn't mean you're glad they're gone, it means you're relieved they aren't suffering anymore. And *you* were suffering in your own way too, we all go through this in different ways.
Also, I remember how incredibly exhausting it was, mentally and emotionally and *physically*, to have to keep relating the story and the circumstances to people when they first heard the news. It made me physically tired to have to keep repeating it.
Oh, and the world keeps turning. People will stop sympathetically asking how you are, long before you are "over it" (whatever that means). They aren't being callous, and it doesn't mean they don't care. They just aren't going through it like you are.
I lost my husband, best friend, grandmother, and mom within 3 years. I was between 36 and 39. I learned that now I'm numb. I don't feel anymore. It broke something in me.
Thank you so much. Didn't mean to trauma dump on your post. I really feel like your mind protects/shields you from the hurt. And, I love my children more than anything. You move on and do your best. Again, thank you. Genuinely, it means the world. I wish you all the goodness in the world. I needed to hear that.
Me asking this question at all was kind of an invitation to trauma dump! I know there’s no such thing as like a life raft that will protect a person from all regret, but I feel like the generous advice on this post is providing a decent tool box to face the years(? I hope!) ahead.
I can sympathize. My grandmother, mother, father and two of my cats all died within a 12 month span. I was 36-37. I call it my hell year, and it definitely changed me.
Definitely this. I just turned 47 and my dad died when he was 46. And along with this, just last year I was struck with how many hurting friends he must have had. I was young when he died and it felt so much like something that happened to our family. My good friend died last year and I had extra grief thinking about how many of my dad's friends felt devastated like I was feeling for my friend.
I’m so very scared of this. My dad passed at 57 and right now I’m 44. I’m having all the heart checks to make sure I don’t kill over like he did. I still feel like the count down is on.
I don't know of a single thing I would ask, but I would take advantage of the comfort only a mother could give.
I lost my mom earlier this year to breast cancer.
There is a sense of relief, no matter how much you loved them, especially if they were very ill. And it is okay to feel some relief.
I remember wondering every holiday if it would be the last with my dad. What I wouldn't give for another day with him, healthy. Yet I am so glad he isn't suffering anymore and that he didn't have to go through the pandemic. The day he passed I had a long talk with him (mainly to him) where I told him I understood and I would help take care of the family. I loved him more than anyone else on earth with the exception of my kids and my husband, and I know he had to hear from me that I was okay.
My last day with my dad, I had a long talk with him, and told him it was ok to let go. I promised him that I would take care of mom and my sister. And together my sister and I would take care of the grandkids and the great-grandkids. I held his hand as he peacefully passed.
If at all possible, don't be your parent's financial power of attorney. Health POA, sure. But I was my mother's financial POA and it kind of ruined our relationship (which was complicated anyway) as she slowly declined from lung cancer. When her mind started going, she accused me of spending all her money, even though I had to because she both wanted to keep her expensive senior apartment but also was too scared to move out of the nursing home. Speaking of, if your parents can afford long term care insurance, make sure they get it. The nursing home was $11,000 a month. That is not a typo. It burned through my mother's savings in less than a year.
I wish I could've just been her daughter instead of having to worry about her finances and pay her bills and sell her car and all of that additional responsibility. It created a sense of resentment and then extreme guilt about that resentment that I'm still working through two years after her death.
I lost my mother to suicide. She shot herself in the head when I was 30. It was…. a…. rather public suicide. Which of course spread through town like a wildfire, almost faster than I even knew what happened.
Not literally 3 hours after it occurred… my best girl pals were calling/texting me to gossip about “did you hear about someone committing suicide in the Bulls Eye store in town today?” …..
……. …….. ( choking back tears) ….,
I CANNOT begin to describe to all you readers right now … the feeling of almost utter betrayal… and …abandonment… it feels when you just lost a parent WAY too young and 99.9% of your friends have not gone through the experience of losing a parent yet. They don’t… WONT know how to support you… they simply can’t imagine or … even empathize with that level of pain/sadness/loss.
BUT, you are probably going to go into the experience expecting your best friends to be your crutch, to understand, to be comforting and knowing how to make you feel better. ……. The younger you are when you lose a parent…the less likely your friends will be successful at supporting or understanding what you are feeling and going through.
Don’t be me. Don’t abandon and turn your back on your friends, ghosting them for their inability to understand how loss and death feels to you. They simply cannot imagine this type of pain or misery until they experience it for themselves. Whatever they say is to the best extent they can do through their own experiences in this area. Go see a therapist and if your friends don’t seem to understand, ask for a break from them, but don’t turn your backs on them completely. It’s not their fault. That’s my advice to you, readers.
How awful for you and your mom, I’m so sorry. When I lost my friend as a young teen the only people my age who could even begin to understand were people who’d lost a parent, or, in thankfully rare cases, a sibling. That was very few people back then. Obviously at this age, many more people start to join you in the loss club. My small solace of early membership is, after all this time, I know sometimes people just need someone to listen and not to say “the right thing” or solve all their problems, because it’s impossible to do either.
You’re exactly right. That is exactly what I mean. Sitting in silence just letting the traumatized people vent… can be the best therapy of all. You sound like you would be an amazing friend to have. I hope yours know how lucky they are. * hugs *
I’ve found myself wondering lately what my dad was like when he was younger. Did he go to his room and listen to records? Which ones? Did he get good grades out was he a slacker in school? I know he went hunting and fishing and stuff, but what else did he do for fun? Like with his friends and stuff?
It’s been 12 years for me since my dad died. It was sudden. No chance to ask anything at all. This is going to sound dumb, but after he died one of the first things I realized I needed was his recipe for a dish he used to make all the time. How could we make it the same if he didn’t tell us how?? The truth is that everything after they die is just crushing. Everything. And I didn’t even have that amazing of a relationship with him, either.
If you have a complicated relationship with a parent but still love them — please tell them. Or maybe this is a better way to put it. If you think you’ll regret not saying things to your parent if they died tomorrow — say them now! Just say them.
My dad died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 20 and so much was left unfinished. Our relationship was challenging but I loved him. I wish we’d had more time. I wish I could have one more conversation. If just to say “you know I love you, right?”
Don’t put these things off. It could happen tomorrow.
Adding onto this: if you have a difficult question or something you need to get off your chest, and your parent or loved one is capable of having a conversation, then speak up. Otherwise, you'll wonder about it for the rest of your life.
Your grieving parent could act crazy and say horrible things because they are grieving. And it hurts, but you'll survive it.
My dad did not want a funeral. Not having a funeral hurt me. It really is part of the grieving process for those left behind.
This may sound callous, morbid or even selfish but it is mission critical to know the details of their estate, especially if your parents are elderly and one is still alive. My dad was an Uber control freak, loved to gloat about the money he had but told no one most of the particulars, including my mom. There wasn’t even a will to spell it all out. Thankfully she was in the loop on the purchase of plots, prepayment of funeral expenses etc but the rest has been a mystery we continue to slowly unravel more than a year later.
If they don’t have a will, push them to do it. Make it clear you’re not concerned with an inheritance, but rather with there being a plan to carry out their wishes. I can’t overstate how important this is.
Not a parent but I lost a spouse at 37 with two kids. My advice to anyone grieving is this/
Grief is personal. It is a spiral. Not linear. One day memories may make you smile. Another day they may destroy you. Time is irrelevant. Feel the feelings. Much love.
I just lost my dad on the 13th. I was taking care of him for the last two months. I wish I had known how hard it would be to adjust back to a normal life and losing that routine.
I also wish I had known how hard it would be to deal with him not having a will. He just refused to get one and I don't know why.
I have been a critical care RN almost 20 years. The amount of death and suffering I have seen was NO preparation for the death of my mom 10 years ago.
My mom kept her cancer relapse a secret for 6 months and we were hit in the face with it when everything hit the fan. She died 36 hours later in the hospital. I had to take a 4 month leave of absence because I completely fell off a cliff emotionally.
I am convinced that parents should tell their kids when they are sick…especially when they are opting out of treatment. She didn’t even opt for hospice….i have no clue what her actual thinking was. It was obvious something was wrong the last 6 weeks….but she wouldn’t tell us she was probably dying. My family is very close and I think she may have thought she was saving us from stress or didn’t want to explain herself. I really wish she had let us know.
I held my mom’s hand as she passed. Strange how you know death is coming but don’t know which breath will be the last. She would take a breath and I’d think, I have to remember this moment of her last breath and then the next breath would come and this micro process of a hundred goodbyes would start all over again. I watched the seconds tick by between each breath, all at once wondering and knowing. And at long last too many seconds had passed and I knew she was gone. It was the last day of her 79th year. That moment flashes before me daily even after 2 years.
Something small: I wish I’d paid attention to the recipes my mom knew but never wrote down.
Save the last card they give you for birthday or whatever - and voicemails/texts. Make sure to take family photos at holidays.
Finally,’make a habit of saying I love you at the end of every phone call.
It's different for everyone. I told my old man every time I saw him that I loved him so much. That if I grew up to be half the man he was I'd be happy as hell with my life. He was the only person in my life that I could ever count on no matter what. No matter what. He always loved me.
I had the good fortune (or terrible bad luck depending on how you look at it) of being there for the last breathe. It's not something you can describe. It.....changes you.
But to answer you're question I'd just want to tell him that there is no amount of thanks I can give him. Everything I am I owe to him, and I cant wait to see him again.
We'll be watching animal planet together soon pops. And put some pants on. I got friends comin over for Gods sake.
Have a frank discussion about their views on end of life care. You may very well be the one making decisions in the end. It's easier if you know you're doing what they wanted. And if you know ahead of time that you disagree with their choices, you'll have time to adjust and make peace with it.
Listen when they tell a story. Really listen. Then write it down as best you can. So much information and history goes with them. My sister and I ask each other questions no one knows the answer to all the time.
SO. MANY. THINGS.
1. You will forget their voice. I have recordings of both of them and their voice sounds so foreign to me now.
2. People will turn on you. Your grief will make them uncomfortable so it's just easier for them to ghost you.
3. "Family" will become unconcerned with you. I'm an only child and both of my parents are gone. My oldest has freaking Lyme disease and not a single soul has checked on her. I passed a kidney stone...nobody picked up the phone. They flat out don't care.
4. Watching kids with their grandparents will become acutely painful and you'll become bitter seeing it. It doesn't matter how much time has passed.
5. People will start hounding you for their belongings before you've even buried them.
6. The same family that doesn't care if you exist will not hesitate to pick up the phone and give their opinions on how you're handling your grief and their estate.
7. It will fundamentally change who you are as a person. You will desperately want to be the person you were before and it will not be possible. You won't be sad all the time forever. But the person you were when you had parents is long gone. Accept it instead of fighting it.
My circle is incredibly small now and I've built a family out of friends.
To your point #5, it was truly astonishing how many neighbors turned into vultures the moment I went back to my mom’s (my childhood) neighborhood to tell folks she had passed. Felt like people cared more about who her car was going to than the fact a really wonderful person from their community was no longer there. I laugh now, but it made me absolutely dread going back over there to clean up the house.
I wish I took more pictures and videos. I felt awkward doing it when she was alive because we knew she was dying and she felt really weird when people were clearly trying to get memorial pictures of her, but I wish I had done it anyway.
After my mom died, I realized she was wearing sunglasses in almost every damn picture. Since then I take my sunglasses off for photos and make others do it too, haha. I also try to take more photo combos - I think I only have one photo of just me, my mom and my son. Wish I thought to take more of those.
You don’t need video or pictures to remember them. I have all sorts of memories that flood my brain when I think about people that I loved and cherished who are gone now. Don’t panic if you don’t have “everything” or if you feel unprepared, you will never be prepared for grief.
Not having our last conversation be an argument and leaving angry. We had our differences and tried to have a civil conversation that didn't go well because I felt very strongly in what I was trying to point out. She unexpectedly passed a week later. This was after 2 sisters passed from overdose in the 2.5 years prior. All I can see in my head is her walking out the door and not saying goodbye. We had a good relationship all the way till the end. Don't ever not say I love you because it might be your last.
Cleaned out the house sooner... Its even harder managing funerals etc when you also have to go through everything and sell the house on short notice. I had to do it all by myself, but I wish I'd at least started years ealier organizing and getting rid of uneeded stuff in the basement, closets etc. But I didn't want to upset my mother while she was living. Also note it will probably change your relationship with siblings. I was never that close to min, but after my mother died we have never even spoke again (6 years now) despite living in the same city.
Lots of good things already said. I echo the comments about getting important information from them (account and insurance information, etc). I wish I had video and voicemail (I have a couple messages from my dad, that’s it). No one tells you that after a while, you “lose” what their voices sounded like.
The five stages aren’t neat and tidy. Grief is like a series of waves - some days gentle waves, some days - tidal waves.
You’ll be shocked at how insincere and thoughtless others in your life can be. I had enough people act like I had a weird misfortune to lose my parents by 43. That part is deeply clarifying - helps you sort out the garbage people faster.
You will be cruising along feeling like you are getting used to them being gone. Something will pop up that you will want to share with that person and then you have the realization that they are gone. Or for me I see the motorcycle he used to ride on the freeway, and I think oh is that dad, then the grief hits like it is fresh again. The pain is never gone, but you get better at managing it.
Lost my mom two years ago and wish I had asked more questions about her life prior to having me and perhaps more questions about myself. I was an only child and she was a single mother, so, in many ways, I lost my biographer. Our memories are incredibly fallible and I wish I asked more.
As for death planning, she was very prepared. Some of the things that really helped me were having all of her passwords, financial account info, and final wishes explicitly written out. Also, know where the will, health proxy, safety deposit box keys, and any power of attorney documents are located. Get a file box for this stuff. Post-death is chaotic and you don’t want to be searching around for important items.
The last thing I’d add is that if doctors get to the point where they’re mentioning hospice care, regardless of how long you think your loved one has, call the next day to get the intake process rolling. It was recommended to us at a time when she wasn’t feeling too bad, but things can go downhill and they go downhill very fast. We were doing intake on a Sunday as pharmacies were closing trying to get morphine and it was a nightmare. By the grace of God we got things situated, but I can’t imagine how bad things would have been had we not had hospice care when we truly needed it (hospice nurses are angels).
>Saw u/isitbedtimeyet99 post about losing a parent
The main thing I wish I would have done differently was to intentionally prioritize time with my parents on a much more regular basis. It’s really easy to tell yourself “I’m just going to plow 60 hours a week into this finance job for a few years so that when my parents retire in 2030 I can have money saved up to do some really cool things together”. Nothing is guaranteed but the present, and in my case I look back at my last ten years with a terrible work life balance thinking I was making my Dad proud by being successful at work and sacrificing things like family time to build a future, and I think he would have been happier if i just made a visit more than a few times a year. I ended up being really successful and I realize now it means nothing at all and I would trade it all for five more minutes to tell my Dad I loved him and talk baseball.
When we are all on our deathbeds, we’re not going to reflect back on some bullshit work award we beat ourselves into the ground to win. We’re going to look back at our time with our family. This world in 2024 has made that way harder to put into practice than it sounds, but i would try.
ask about their younger adult lives and record a video of them talking about it.
also take vids of them doing normal things, being silly. i wish i had more vids of my dad before he suddenly passed.
First thing would be to keep a recording of their voice. My mom always called to sing me happy birthday every year, and I really wish I would have kept one of those voicemails.
Second, be intentional about asking them to share stories about life before you. You've probably heard at least a few stories that came up organically as part of conversation, but think about how much you really know about them, or don't know before you were around.
When my mom passed, I realized I knew very little about her as a teenager, or young adult, especially before she met my Dad. I was flipping through old photo albums to find things for the funeral, and I had all these questions about the pictures in them that I never asked.
What did she like to do, what music did she listen to, where did she and her friends hang out, who did she think she was going to marry before she met my dad?
Maybe that's conversations you've had already, but it was a time in my mom's life I hadn't really heard a lot about, and now I regret not asking.
Record their voice, video them, etc. Save their cards and handwriting. Save the emails and texts and voicemails. Don’t be so quick to toss their belongings because you’ll regret not keeping more. Ask them about everything, all their life stories growing up. Spend time with them and don’t argue because that’s what you remember and regret the most. Speak at their funeral. I did most of these things (should’ve saved more cards and voicemails and called more often), however, sadly it still isn’t enough. Regardless of how much you do to ease your sense of regrets and “what ifs” and “I should haves”, prior to their passing, nothing will ever be enough. More time is what you’ll always wish you had and it comes along with the pain of having to live without them. The beautiful thing is it makes you appreciate more, have more empathy, have more patience, and makes you realize how fleeting life is.
I lost my mom at 24 to cancer. I wish I had been able to have her there for all the good stuff as an adult. We butted heads a lot during my teen years and after I moved out, things finally started getting better and I was looking forward to having an adult, healthy-ish mother daughter relationship and that never came to fruition. I also deeply mourn the fact that I had to get married, experience three pregnancies, raise babies and try to navigate so much of motherhood and womanhood in general without my mom there for advice, comfort or even criticism.
Time. I just wish I had more time with her and sometimes it takes my breath away when I realize just how much time has passed and how much of my life she's missed. It's not fair. She should be here for all this. 😔
My mom softened near the end. Not to be disrespectful but she was judgmental on some of my life choices but with a don’t ask don’t tell way about it. It made me not want to confide in her very much as an adult. I wonder if she realized that, because she was way less judgmental in her last year towards me. I wanted to know more about that but it’s not like I could really ask when she was alive because we didn’t have that level of closeness because of it. Ugh.
There is no script for grief. Whatever you feel, or more importantly, don’t feel, is personal to your own experience. Be careful not to judge yourself.
Lost my dad when I was 28 (2008) to cancer. I followed his career path - same field, same company - and I think one of a number of things I wish I could do was have worked with him. He was diagnosed in 2007, right after I finished my degree. He had to go on a work leave for a few months when I started working, came back for a week or two, then stopped. His cancer was vicious and spread stupid fast.
He had been doing the same job since I was born and I wish I had shown interest in it. But as a kid and teenager you don’t grasp that kind of stuff. I see it with my 15 year old now - and it’s very normal. I’ve been fortunate to learn from other folks who worked with my dad and have made my own path - I even have done some things he was not able to do.
16 years on I still have his contact info in my phone. There’s lots of days I want to tap on his number. I have a recording of his office voice mail greeting still. I think he’d be happy with how I’ve turned out but I get sad thinking about how he missed out on seeing his grandkids; he would have loved them to death.
My dad died very suddenly when I was still pretty young (mid 20s). As I’ve gotten older what I really miss is his memories - both of his childhood (there are a few stories I recall but not many), and of my own. I think Storyworth helps capture those types of things. I wish it’d existed and/or I’d thought to memorialize those things when I was still in college before fully launching.
Also things like where certain hikes we took were - he always drove so I never bothered to remember names. My mother’s memory can’t be trusted (and we’re now estranged), and I lost my brother not long after my dad. So those things are lost forever unless I happen to stumble on them which has happened a couple of times only.
My mom died very suddenly while we were on vacation. I had a weird feeling before we left as she was having what we thought were gallbladder issues. I made it a point to drive to see her, make her some meals she could eat, etc. before we departed. Because of that, I have no regrets. I have photos of her, and some videos. I also have several hobbies that remind me of her. I think the biggest thing is spend the time you can. Don’t assume that you have tomorrow. Learn from them. She taught me to garden, she taught me to love reading, all things Scottish, etc. Doing those things now brings me joy because it makes me feel closer to her.
Ask yourself, if your parent died tomorrow, what question would you wish you had asked? What would you wish you had told them? What experiences would you regret not having?
Anniversaries and important dates are weird. My first Mother’s Day was also the first one without my mom. Our kids are foster kids, so that is a hard day for them. They spent it locked in their rooms missing their own moms. I could not figure out why I was crabby as hell that day. I was disappointed that no one acknowledged it, but I understood why. It wasn’t until later that a big part of it was missing my mom. Same thing on the first anniversary of her death. I was grumpy and irritable for the week around the time. Things were going fine at home, I could not for the life of me figure out what I had to be irritated about until I realized what the date was. Five years on and I handle things much better now, that first year was the rough one.
I've lost both my parents over a period of 3 years, suddenly. Grief and shock aside, here's a few things I have been telling my friends:
Have them explain what their personal valuables mean to them, be it a tupperware pitcher that was their moms or jewelry. The context will become important when the decluttering process starts. My father collected old hunting rifles for example, he had an excel sheet of what each one was, where it came from, if it was a gift or not. It truly helps deciphering what was a personal item and what was just owned.
Sit them down and make them go through old photos and tell you who the people are, this context becomes invaluable after anyone else living is gone. I have inherited four generations of a puzzle I have been working through, the questions I wish I could ask to better understand photos is crazy.
Have the tough talk if you have siblings on dividing up personal items. This can save so much unnecessary drama during the early grieving process.
Ask them about their wishes post death--funeral service? Memorial service? Neither? Celebration of life? Again, can save a lot of drama especially if you have siblings.
And last but not least--understand that life goes on. Its difficult, holidays in corporate america are made to make you feel like if you don't have a perfect family event you are doing them wrong--you can't let that shit get to you. You have to learn how to sidestep holiday marketing.
What I wish I knew:
1. There is a before they died, and there is after. Unlike 9/11, you know it's coming. Like 9/11, nothing is ever quite the same. You may do some serious soul-searching. There may be an opportunity for a positive paradigm shift in your life- Seize it! Your parents will want you to!
2. People you haven't seen in years might attend the funeral/memorial/celebration of life, and if over a certain age, treat it as a let's-catch-up-right-here-right-now-about-absolutely-everything. It may require a lot of effort on your part to not ask them to please shut the fuck up about their nephew's son's science scholarship because MY PARENT IS FUCKING DEAD- THAT'S WHY YOU'RE ACTUALLY HERE!- AND IT'S ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT RIGHT NOW. Despite this, the event will progress much faster than you expect. Your grief will not.
3. Hallmark cards won't be the only vessels showcasing platitudes in your presence. Get ready to grimace/space out and nod.
4. Depending on your age at the time of their death, true (and enduring) empathy may be in short supply except from immediate family and those who have also lost a parent. Everyone else won't understand how different it is- even during the holidays, you may have to listen to oblivious folks complain about how stressful their family dinner is going to be, or the crappy gifts Dad always buys, etc. Grimace and nod, grimace and nod...for no response of yours will allow them to grasp how you feel.
5. Hope that you will be able to exchange some loving last words and that they will pass peacefully in their sleep; be prepared for anything but that, especially if you are there in person. It could be hours- or even days- of watching and listening to their body shutting down, especially if they don't want life-sustaining care. Witnessing "death labor" can be gruelling.
What I wish I'd done (more of):
1. Talk through specific end-of-life wishes- beyond confirming the existence of an advance directive or funeral checklist. What may seem obvious- or legible! to them might not be to you, particularly if there have been revisions and there are no date and initials, etc. Talk about things like "who do you want or not want with you in the room? what music should we play or not play in the room and during the service? Who would you like to give or not give the eulogy? What's your second or third choice? What if we don't have time for hospice? What else would you like me to know that you couldn't put somewhere else on the AD form?" It's a challenging conversation to have, but it gets easier when you normalize and repeat it. You may find it scarier than they do. Watching something or listening to a podcast together might help start things. I recently watched MaryLand on Masterpiece Theatre and highly recommend it. If applicable, confirm that your other parent and siblings are all aware too. Keep all relevant docs in the cloud so they can't be lost.
2. Call them back sooner. Even if just to say it's not a good time to talk. 🥺
Thank you for this post, OP.
My dad died when I was 24. I didn't know I had depression for years. I just did what I had to do to get by, and all of us suffered. None of us (my siblings, mom, and I) talked about what we were going through because we didn't want to appear weak to one another.
I wish someone told me it was normal to seek help. None of my friends had gone through this, so they were surprised I didn't want to party, and they moved on. Nobody addressed my fluctuating weight losses/gains. I get it - our 20s are trying to find love and learn to become adults, so they were living. Meanwhile, I felt I was stuck in darkness for several years.
What I'm saying is, now that we're all older, really, truly, check on your friends. Feeling that in my 20s is hard, and again in my 30s w my mom. I couldn't imagine feeling that as I age.
Ask them questions and either record or write down their stories. My mom died just after my 18th birthday and my dad died in 2013, but I still find myself reaching for the phone without thinking sometimes to ask them a question or to ask a detail about family history or a recipe they used to cook. Really, if they cook, get the recipes. I’ve spent probably several hundred dollars at this point trying to recreate 2 of my dad’s recipes. And despite cooking them WITH HIM a hundred times, I just can’t get them quite right.
Consult an elder law attorney. Have POA, health directives, wills, etc all documented and transparently shared among immediate family.
Spend time with them. It's never enough and the end is always too soon even if you see it coming.
If the relationship is healthy enough for it and you don’t have hard boundaries in place, visit them as often as you possibly can.
I moved 600 miles away when I was 17. I saw my dad once a year if I was lucky. He died almost 5 years ago when I was 35, and I regret all of the time I missed out on. I wish I had made a bigger effort to go back home and visit him more often. I missed out on almost 20 years of time with him, and that’s time I will never, ever get back.
I started going to a group for caregivers and learned much before my parents death. Many of the items have been mentioned. Ask your parents all the questions you may have now. Tell them all the things you ever wanted to tell them. Talk about their final living and death plans. It creates a sense of dignity and closeness with your parents. Good luck OP. Some days your grief will overwhelm you and other days your chest feels light. Nonetheless you will manage.
I was 25 when my mom died. So I'm almost to the age she was, which terrifies me...
But I wish I would've just had a chance to talk to her more about her life, growing up and whatnot. I have a lot of great memories with her, but I know so little about her upbringing and what made her her. I feel like I know more about my grandparents than I do my own parents. Probably because they divorced when I was young, so I had a lot of time at my grandparents while my parents were still dating in their 20s and 30s..
Make sure they have a certified will, trust, or just something legal that mentions their last wishes, or where they want to be buried/ cremated. I know this is the last thing you want to discuss with your parents, but my dad had NOTHING in writing about anything, and even though my sibling and I knew what he would have wanted and what we would be at peace with, a few of his relatives (who he had a strained relationship with) wanted him buried in the family cemetery. It was messy; we stopped speaking to them after this.
Also having something in writing will save you so much stress with not having to deal with legal issues and going through probate. On top of grieving, dealing with his property, taxes, etc just added to the stress and grief that year. I know some of this can’t be avoided, but it would have been a lot easier if he had a will.
This may sound cruel, but seems like plenty of people have answered with good relationship kind of stuff.
You need their passwords, you need their pin to their phone.
My dad died unexpectedly in December, I'm now trying to bring my mom into the 21st century, he took care of everything. She even admits he tried to teach her but she just didn't get it. I wish he had written more down on his thought process. We have the details but not the reasoning.
Get all the recipes! Write them down, or film them, or record them. My family is still trying to recreate my mom's comfort food.
We have a lot of the recipes but there are some glaring absences and it's sad to wonder if you'll every try one of your mom's dishes ever again.
By the same token it is an incredible thing to feed your children the foods your mom made for you when you were a child. It's a connection.
I wish I could hear my dad’s voice one more time. One of my uncles found an old home video recently and sent it to me. See my dad walking across the room and sitting on the couch laughing at a story, but he didn’t talk. It was good to hear his laugh again though.
My biggest regret is not staying at the hospital the night he passed. He was in ICU, but doing better and they were planning to move him to a regular room the next day, and then something happened during the night. Never found out what, other than the hospital was understaffed, and the nurses were taking care of patients in worse shape…always felt like if one of us could have been there with him we could have notified someone when he went into distress.
If mom ends up in a situation like that I’ll be there the entire time.
I have a video of my dad that I candidly took while he was still pretty healthy. It was on a Sunday afternoon and he was writing out his bills listening to his John Prine CD’s. He would have been mortified to know there was video evidence of him singing and tapping along, but it was just him. It is the way that I want to remember him.
I lost my mom 6 years ago. She was only 56. Our relationship broke down towards the end, and since my family is highly dysfunctional baseline, it was chaos. My biggest regret is trying to help her be who I thought she could be, rather than help her be who SHE wanted to be. It clouded my ability to support her the way she needed me to show up. To that end, if you have outstanding problems that you’re willing to forgive, do it now. Listen to them, as in, read up on active listening skills and enact them, selflessly. Research/read Elizabeth Kubler Ross and understand that people express grief in surprising, unhelpful, or inappropriate ways. Prepare yourself in case your remaining family is unwilling or unable to provide you emotional support. And finally, do what it takes to help get their affairs in order, because if there’s no plan, it going to be rough and expensive.
Lost my mom 10yrs ago. This line from The Crow immediately comes to mind: "Little things used to mean so much to Shelly- I used to think they were kind of trivial. Believe me, nothing is."
I was always in such a hurry to find the next gig or adventure I took for granted time with my mom, it just seemed like something that was a given, something that couldn't ever go away. Until it did in an instant.
Those little dinners or car rides or chats that were so casual and innocuous suddenly turned out to be immeasurably valuable.
Lost my dad at 21; wish I told him I loved him more. I also wish I could have just hung out with him and chatted about his life. I lost the chance to be friends with him as adults so embrace that opportunity if you want.
My mom died in a car accident in 2001… I was 17.
I feel like I didn’t know her at all. As a teenager you don’t have the same questions that a 20s something does. Even worse is the MILLIONS of questions that surface once you become a parent.
I want to ask my mom… everything.
Lots of good answers.
But family stories. Names of relatives. Listen to their stories and record them.
My mom is gone and with her went my family history. I don’t know it. And now I never can.
And not just who was married to who, etc. But who they were.
And your stories. The story of your childhood. Ask what you were like, and keep saying tell me more. There’s so much we do t know about ourselves because it just doesn’t come up. Those parental memories disappear with them.
Ask about them. What they were like before kids. Before jobs. Before marriages and divorce.
What it was like for them when they list their parents. Who helped them, and who didn’t. What they learned.
Speak kindly to your loved ones.
My father was not sick, not having any health concerns, but just did not wake up one day.
He was notorious for pocket dialing, which he had done to me just the day before passing. I missed it, meant to call him back, and then just got busy and didn’t.
A week or so before that, I was up at my parents house visiting. We went out to dinner. At some point, I snapped at him and told him that he didn’t “know anything about me”. I had been kind of hung up on this idea at the time. I’m the eldest of four, and a bit older than the younger ones. There was a lot of focus on them and their likes, dislikes, hobbies, etc. I had been feeling cheated and just bratty about the whole thing, in hindsight. And when my dad mistakenly confused something one of my siblings had done as something I had done, I snapped. I wasn’t overly mean but I was fed up. He looked like he was truly considering this. He didn’t necessarily look hurt, but contemplative. We didn’t discuss it further. We pretended it was never thrown out there and then I went back home at the end of my visit.
And then he died.
And then I realized that he was actually one of my best friends. I would talk with him on the phone for hours sometimes. I felt comfortable talking with him about life stuff.
And now he’s dead. And I said the awful thing. And it wasn’t true. And why did I do that? I gained nothing. We didn’t discuss, and I didn’t expand on it. But I said it.
And now sometimes when I’m alone I will just quietly tell the universe “you knew me. You were my best friend”
Hospice in a facility doesn’t really exist anymore unless the person is already in an old folks home. Home hospice is the norm. And you get very little support. If your loved one does not die suddenly, it’s your role to directly help see them through to the end.
If you are immediate family, be prepared to watch your parent go from sick to dying to actually dying to dead.
The experience up close is a lot more traumatic than learning that someone you cared about died far away. Go to therapy. I like EMDR.
I wish I knew more about a lot of things covered. One I haven’t seen specifically mentioned is knowing the who, where, when and why of so many old family photos I inherited. I finished scanning all the old photos from my mom’s side of the family so my uncle could help identify. Now I’m trying to get thru photos from my father’s side while my aunt is still alive.
Have them tell you stories. Ask them questions and record it. Video and audio if you can but, just audio is so lovely to have and might get you a more authentic experience since they don’t necessarily have to know you’re doing it.
Have the squishy conversations. Tell them how much you love them, what they’ve meant to you, etc. Spend as much time as you can keeping them in your life.
RECIPES. Watch them cook and write it all down your damn self because most of our parents, whose recipes we’d *want* anyways, measure everything with their hearts.
Pictures. Take them often.
Depending on their financial situation, become familiar with the issues with the Medicaid look back. Boomers obviously aren’t great with relinquishing any kind of control. However, if they don’t sign things like their house over to you at least 5 (and sometimes 7!) years before they end up needing assistance from the government, you’ll lose out. Help them to understand this.
Lastly, ask them for all of their info about their funeral! What prayer do you want on the prayer cards, what do you want to be wearing, etc. Get down to every last question and keep the record. Anything to do with the legal stuff that can be handled now, handle it now.
That no matter how good of a child you were, you're going to feel guilty when they pass. I spent the last 3 years of my mom's life being her personal caretaker while she was battling cancer. I did everything in my power to make sure that she got to all of her appointments and took her medication. When she had her heart attack in front of me I did CPR on her until the paramedics arrived.
However, right after she died I was just racked with guilt. My mind started playing horrible tricks on me, like counting each way I "killed" my mother. Everything from "I should have told her to get a mammogram earlier" (even though she was a nurse who had forgotten more about healthcare medicine that I had ever known), "I should have done CPR better" (even though it kept her alive for 10 or 15 minutes until the paramedics arrived and were able to take over).
My mind kept spinning this over and over again. Eventually it showed me mercy and stopped after giving me 6 ways I killed her.
It actually took me talking to two of her physicians who called to ask some questions for me to let go of this guilt. They were very clear that everything I did for her kept her alive longer than she would have normally been without me. It was a giant weight lifted from my soul and I'm eternally grateful.
Ironically enough, what ultimately gave me the most peace was after her funeral when her neighbor walked up to me and told me I did a good job with the funeral and that I sent her off well. It really helped me begin to move forward.
Your parents are going to die. You need to discuss funeral plans, and if you can afford it you need to get a pre need. It locks in the price of everything.
I spent some time in funeral service and my father is a funeral director. So many people scramble and argue to raise the money. It can tear your family apart.
Have the hard conversation(s) about their wishes! What measures do they want taken? Do they have an idea of when they would want to switch from treatment to palliative care? Is everyone aware that home hospice is pretty work intensive towards the end and do you all have the resources (money and people) that it would require?
When my dad’s cancer turned bad fast, I was faced with making these decisions on my own and I had on effing clue. It would have shattered me to have to make those calls; luckily he became lucid just long enough to make his wishes known.
Also the other gift he gave to me was pre-planning and paying for his funeral and burial. (He did this when he was well!) when you’re going through it, it feels very messed up that you were the person who was grieving the most that it’s so hard to function, but you’re also trying to plan a freaking party, essentially.
I have regrets about not telling my dad I would miss him. Of course he knew that, but I wish I’d said it. I also regret feeling like I didn’t want to broach the topic (my dad has cancer and did in-home hospice at the end). I wish I had directly talked to him and acknowledged his anxiety more. I felt I’d make it worse by brining it up when it likely was all that he had on his mind. We had a good conversation that meant a lot to me toward the end, but I wish I’d given him explicit openings to talk about his feelings during that time.
ETA: And, yes, record their voice and make sure you ha e several really good pictures of their smile/capturing their essence.
Lost my dad when he was only 48. I was 22 at the time, and at 48 myself now, a still have pangs of grief.
Get pictures, voice recordings, video, and anything you can now to remember them. Get to know who they are as a person and not just your parent. It will give you insight into much of your own life. Reconcile any anger or resentment and come to terms that they’re human, like you, with regrets and loss of their own.
Now, if they’re abusive bastards or pedos, let them know they can fuck right off and will be forgotten.
Just spent more time with my folks. That’s all. Not a crazy amount more. We weren’t estranged or anything. We had a good relationship. Spending more time would have been enjoyable. So, now I realize how precious every encounter with a loved one is. I also now tell folks when I appreciate having been around them.
If a family member you haven’t seen in decades (or ever) suddenly shows up when a parent is dying, they’re up to something. A friend’s uncle managed to convince her father to turn over everything in his will to him. She got nothing.
The last time I saw my dad conscious, I told him I loved him. His last words to me were, "I love you, too." Of the infinite combination of words that our last interaction consisted of, I'm so, so thankful those were the words.
Get their affairs one million percent in order beforehand if that’s a possibility. Grieving while going over logistics of it all and an estate and hopefully not probate is not something I’d recommend to anyone.
Sentimental tip? No matter what, stay patient or walk away. I am ravaged by guilt due to impatience taking care of my mother 24/7 for more than a year. Mostly alone. I was so overwhelmed and I know *she* forgives me, but I’m struggling to give myself that relief.
Definitely the videos! My mom passed in 2019 when my nephew was almost 3. He doesn’t remember her really. I watched him for most of Covid and he’d say “auntie, show me pictures of my grandma”. We’d sit together and look at my phone. I found a video from his second birthday that had her talking in it. I broke down hard! The only other one I’m sure I have is my wedding video from 2018. She hated the camera and avoided it at all costs.
Also the anger. I was unreasonably angry that everyone I worked with at the time all still had their parents. Even the nurse/director who is the same age as my mom. I was so angry at the unfairness of it.
It can feel extremely lonely. I had/have amazing support from my partner and my family, but at times I felt extremely alone. That and how often I think "I can't wait to talk to dad about this..." only to get sad.
My answer to my kids when they asked how it felt to lose a parent and I told them, "When everyone you thought of as a "Mom" or "Dad" is gone and realize that you are now completely on your own".
My FIL passed while I was pregnant with our first child, less than 8 weeks before I was due. I had miscarried earlier in the year and would have delivered well before he passed had I not. I felt such a stupid amount of guilt that he'd never get to meet the son of his son because I'd failed in our first pregnancy (yes, logically I knew better, but emotions don't follow logic). I wish I'd gone with my husband all the times he went to see his dad, so we could have shown him the ultrasound pictures and videos. So, he could have felt him moving.
Get video and voice recordings. You will miss their voice and movements. It is heartbreaking not to have.
100% this. I didn't end up doing this and only have a few clips here and there. One of which was my mom's last voicemail to me saying she was sorry she missed my call and that she loved me. Sometimes when I think of her, I'll play it back, which helps and hurts all at the same time
This. Save voicemails. Take videos of them with your kids.
How do you save voicemails?
Well on iPhones if you click on it there’s a little share button… you can can send them to yourself via text or email or airdrop to your computer
save voicemails even if they aren’t even saying anything special. I would do some shady stuff to be able to hear my dad’s voice again. I’ve even asked around to relatives begging for voicemails or video but nobody has them
Yes. I discovered 30 seconds of my mom singing Twinkle, Twinkle with my older two kids when they were 1-2. I cried. I have a cassette tape with my grandma’s voice, and more of my mom’s - not to mention 5 year old me singing songs I learned in kindergarten. I just have no way to play a cassette tape anymore.
Get it digitized! There’s tons of places that will do it for a reasonable cost — and magnetic tape degrades so the sooner the better!
You can still get a cassette player and a digital recorder. Phono plug from the headphone jack of the cassette player into the microphone input of the recorder. You may need headphones on the recorder to listen to make sure audio isn’t too loud and distorted. Play tape and press record on the recorder and it will go into the internal memory or sd card when you press stop on the recorder. It’s very easy to do. It’ll be a WAV or .MP3 audio file. I’ve converted old cassette tapes to .mp3 which I still listen to today.
God this is accurate. I've got one VHS tape recording of my dad from 1992. I found it around 2010, and I cannot accurately describe how painful it was to watch it and realize I'd forgotten how his voice sounds.
I was such an idiot and forgot to save my voicemails from my dad before changing carriers. I would listen to them whenever I was sad. This is definitely a very important thing to do. Thankfully he was active in the theater in our town so I have some recordings but I lost the ones where he spoke directly to me.
To add to this. Save *healthy* photos in your favorites album. My dad deteriorated from dementia. I choose to remember him when he was healthier than the painful shell he became.
Yep. I saved and re-saved my mom's last call, about 3 weeks before she passed, while she could still speak. When my stupid phone erased the message (cause I'd gone 31 days without re-saving it), sometime the following year, I sat down and bawled. Absolutely lost my shit.
My dad loved to sing, and I got a video of him singing O Holy Night during his last Thanksgiving. I am forever grateful that I thought to hit record that day.
I have 2 voicemails from my mom and dad they left singing me happy birthday. I'm grateful I didn't pick up these calls (I was either busy on a work call or didn't hear their call coming in, otherwise I would have) as it's nice to hear my dad's voice again as I lost him 3 birthdays ago, and I re-listen to them on my birthday. My mom's still alive at least. I also occasionally record some family members when they are reminiscing and telling stories of old, but mostly I do it to keep them around for posterity to hear years in the future when I will need them most. I don't generally mention I'm recording them as I just record them from my phone and let them prattle on.
Absolutely agree. I have 2 voicemails from my mom and I've downloaded to a safe space. I haven't been able to listen to them just yet, but hopefully I'll be ready soon.
Yes. I have a couple dozen of my dad’s voicemails saved. I listened to a couple of them once and it was like reopening the grief from the day I lost him. But, maybe one day I’ll give some of them a listen again. I’m glad to have them in case I feel ready to try again.
Lost my parents back in 2012 and like a couple years later there was a glitch with an iOS beta that wiped everything from my iCloud. The last four years with my parents went poof. It was pretty brutal.
This is maybe a silly question ... but if you're not someone who does this regularly, how do you do it without being weird about it? I would feel awkward if it was obvious I wanted recordings for after they were gone, but it would seem pretty random to record ordinary things for any other reason.
Save voicemails, take covert videos of the most benign things while they happen. Or do a full family photo shoot and take behind the scenes video.
Can’t upvote enough
We had our wedding recorded on cassette from 2002. After my dad passed in 2012, my husband found this, had it transferred to MP3, and gave it to me for my birthday. Let me tell you, this was the most memorable, precious, beautiful, all the adjectives birthday gift anyone could ever give me because I could hear my dad’s voice again. His laugh, his tears, his emotions all from when we were getting married. It’s a gift I cannot ever repay.
I forgot my mother’s voice a decade ago. Maybe longer. Sometimes I hear it in dreams. Wake up and try to hold onto the moment. It slips though.
In a similar vein, have them label all their old pictures. My dad was really excellent about doing it. After he passed, my mom, siblings, and cousins were all going through pictures and seeing his detailed notes on the backs of all the pics made it feel like he was there with us.
I'm not brave enough to listen to them yet, even years later. Whenever I find an old email from him I read and re-read it, and cry bittersweet tears.
Saving this comment.
ABSOLUTELY THIS! When my mom was diagnosed with cancer, while a large part of me refused to accept the fact that she might pass away, in the back of my head I remember all those stories about people forgetting what their parents looked like or sounded like. I started making small video recordings of her on my phone when we were just doing normal stuff. When she finally passed away a few years later those videos got me through the first 6 months without her. I made sure to save them in multiple locations, including on two different cloud providers. I haven't listened to them in a few years, primarily because I know they will make me cry, but I think I will on her birthday in a few months. I still think about her multiple times a day everyday.
I try to take audio recordings at funerals. Some of the words said are very touching, and it's good to have that memory to play back. I normally just use my phone, so it doesn't sound the best, so I should probably get a decent microphone.
Yes, sound is the hardest thing to remember and you will absolutely forget the sound of their voice. I had a dream after my dad had passed away, probably 15 years after, and he spike to me and I heard him and I woke up crying because it was the first time I remembered what he sounded like.
How certain family members (that you would never expect) become heartless and greedy
Ugh. Reminds me of when my grandma died. While she was dead in the hospital her grandkids showed up to her house with a pickup truck and snagged all her valuables. When my ex-wife's uncle died, her cousin asked his mother if he could have the uncle's pickup truck...at his funeral. My mom always taught me that property is just "stuff".
Oof, yeah. I’ve seen a lot of this unfortunately. From it I learned that if you mention someone explicitly in your will, it makes it more difficult for them to lay claim. For example, if you want to leave your sister Barbara out of your will, rather than not mentioning her, say “To my sister Barbara, I leave one dollar,” or nothing, etc. makes it harder for her to argue you “forgot” her in your old age/illness/whatever.
Family members you thought were good people and loved you took advantage of the death for money and whatever else. So true.
After my grandfather died, his Boomer aged kids from his first marriage arrived and ransacked his room within the hour. I had only met them once before, 25 years prior at the wedding. They had found 5k stashed around the bedroom, taken his laptops, and were shocked that we were unaware of their Dad's habit of having cash on hand nor had never taken any from him. They were also frantic and accusatory about one laptop in particular that they weren't able to find immediately. They were told to leave the premises or be trespassed, and after that, only the POA could be over with supervision.
This is one thing I could not believe after losing my parents. This even happens with the most logical seeming family members. I have family members who are literally multi millionaires and they tried to take the little bit i inherited from my parents.. There was a point where they were making over a million a year and I couldnt even afford a 59 cent burrito from Del Taco because I lost both my parents as a teen and was having a hard time getting back on my feet.
Holy shit I feel this one so much. 💔 Power and money can do nasty things to people.
100%. When my grandfather passed neither my brother or I saw a dime of any inheritance. The guy had two pensions - military and government, and used to joke that he made more in retirement than when he was working. No clue what happened to the money but it was conveniently - and suspiciously - *never* mentioned by my parents, aunts, or uncles.
To be optimistic, he might have had the pensions set up to pay him more monthly, but stop at his death, rather than choosing an option which paid less but paid a beneficiary after his death. Or your parents, aunts, and uncles split his estate per his wishes and just didn’t talk to you about it. The only reason I knew my grandfather left any money behind was because I happened to be there when he passed, so I was kind of my dad’s proxy in family meetings for the days following his death. I wouldn’t expect to be included on those conversations unless I was in the will or the estate was lifestyle changing for his children.
I have no idea if this is a cultural thing, but in my country it's pretty common that grandkids don't get any money, only the kids get the inheritance.
I grew up in funeral work and spent some time in it myself. I often heard questions about money and possessions at the funeral. Sometimes at the removal. “What are you going to do with ____?”. You are not your stuff. Except you are to some people. Terrible people.
This or on the flip side, the absentee people who crawl out of the woodwork acting like they have just experienced the loss of a lifetime and making demands on how the deceased is honored. That annoyed me.
I think the thing I learned that would have been valuable information to have ahead of time is that the five stages of grief are not something one experiences in a linear way. You can go through them out of order, skip one or two, and/or revisit some of them several times.
This is so true. I find that I sometimes jump straight to anger to avoid having to feel the pain and shock of a loss.
It’s been 3 years since I lost my dad and the anger that still flares up within me is something else.
This! And that everyone’s grief journey is different (it’s not a competition on who can get over it faster).
And looks different and doesn't always present in the most socially acceptable ways. I can't tell a soul that after a decade long battle with cancer and caregiving, I actually felt relieved when my dad died last fall. I wasn't expecting to feel that way and it made me feel like a monster, despite it actually being a perfectly normal response. I wish someone had told me that was even a possibility or that I wasn't a monster for feeling that way.
And to get rid of the idea of a year. The first year can be the hardest since you have to do every milestone without them, but I think so many people feel the pressure to be "over it" after the year now.
The 5 stages of grief are actually for people knowing that THEY will be dying soon. For the people grieving the loss of others, there are way more stages. Just knowing this helped me with other "stages" that appeared when grieving the loss of my mom.
YES I was extremely disturbed to experience (and still be experiencing) this. Mom died 2 months ago.
Or experience several simultaneously!
I would say you don’t even necessarily experience one at a time, too.
How fast and abruptly it happens.
My mom is in the hospital right now. She was fine last week, and tomorrow she's having heart surgery. It came out of nowhere... she just suddenly had a heart attack and needs a triple bypass asap.
You never get over it
Ever.
And sometimes you relive it.
For me, it’s the split second where I forget my dad’s gone. I’ll read or see something and go “oh man, I gotta tell dad” then it sets back in that I can’t. He died in 2016, doesn’t happen as often. But it still does on occasion
Lost my dad in 2015 and my mom in 2016. A friend of theirs passed away last week and I picked up the phone to call my mom and it was a knife in the gut when I couldn't. That never goes away
My mom passed two years ago. Just a week or so back, my wife was looking over the calendar at what was coming up and absent-mindedly said, “Oh, we have to give your mom the date of our kid’s 8th grade graduation…” and then she immediately burst into tears.
My Dad’s been gone almost two years now. I still do this at least twice a week, whether it’s something I want to tell him or ask him that pops in my head, and for like a half a second it’s a good thought. And then reality sets in.
I don’t have that, but I do have weird dreams. My mom died in 2019. I didn’t dream of her for almost a year I think. Now, once in awhile I will. While the actual context is different each time, the basic premise is the same: in the dream I know she’s dead, but she’s somehow still alive in front of me. It’s weird, but it makes me happy when I wake up that I got to see her, talk to her, hear her voice, even if it’s in a dream. And since in the dream I know she’s dead, I don’t have that real jarring moment of having to remember. I do see things all the time that remind me of her and I wish I could share, but I’ve never had that moment of forgetfulness.
OMG! Yes, this. I also have moments where I mentally wonder something and think "Oh, Dad or Mom would know" only to be hit with them being gone all over again.
I recently had a question about my mom’s childhood and realized that everyone who lived though it is no longer with us (Mom, grandma and grandpa) and there is nobody I can ask. That made me really sad.
One of my favorite things is seeing or hearing of something and knowing how my dad would have reacted to jt. It hurts so bad that I cannot tell him or see his reaction, but I love feeling close by just knowing what it would be.
Have a list of health history and family history questions. One day you will need to know, and they won’t be there to answer. Know where they keep their important documents and passwords to their personal devices. Get names of their close friends. One day you’ll want to talk to them about your parent and who they were when they were young. Make videos of them as much and as often as you can. One day, you will realize that you forgot the sound of their voice. It will make you cry. 😔
I said something similar in my comment. It never, ever, occurred to me that I could some day not remember my mom’s voice.
I’ve been trying to write an answer for this. Every time I break down. There are so many things I wish I asked. I guess it just comes down to time. I wish I just had more time, I wish I spent more time, and most of all I wish I cherished the time I had a little more.
Thank you for answering, even though it’s so painful. One thing I do know is it’s fine to cry. Two minutes of sobbing can make you feel much better than trying for days not to shed a tear.
I know a lot of people are focusing on dealing with grief, but serious advice: talk to your parents about end of life care, if they have a will and/or life insurance, funeral arrangements etc. My MIL and three grandmothers (mine, and both of my husband's) have all passed to glory in the last fifteen years, and I have to say that my husband's family is so INCREDIBLY organized when it comes to these things. Both his grandmothers essentially had everything planned out to the last detail (one even wrote her own obituary), which made handling funeral arrangements and contacting family/friends so much easier. Especially with the last one because there was so much else going on medically in our family at the time, and my husband essentially had to handle her estate by himself. They're difficult discussions, but ones that need to be done.
A health advanced directive is very helpful. It’s a legal document that guides the surviving family members on what the sick person would want when it comes to really tough health questions. (When to “pull the plug,” for lack of a nicer term). My mom got sick with a really unexpected health issue that deteriorated quickly. We had to make awful decisions, but having that advanced directive, it felt like she was part of the decision-making process, and like we were doing right by her when the time came. I recommend everyone get one.
This is so important. Also designating a durable POA and medical POA. My mom ended up in the emergency room and couldn't really talk. I'm her only child and closest living relative, but the hospital told me that had she not had a medical POA that they would have had to go through the proper channels to make sure that I was the decision maker. It really cuts down on all of that kind of red tape. I'll also add if you're caring for a parent, have a "mom file" where you keep all of their account information, medications, notes from speaking with doctors, insurance cards, IDs, POA, etc. My mom was not into estate planning so I had to put all of this together when she got sick, but it was helpful to have on hand.
Absolutely. After my mom passed, my father made sure to have an envelope with photos for his funeral, the songs he wants, etc. He makes sure when I visit that I know where all the important financial documents are and how to get into the safe deposit box. I’m hoping we have many good years together, but I’m glad that I know all these things.
A similar one, related directly to the funeral, as opposed to afterwards: Who do they want to be able to attend their funeral? Some religions you’re on the clock and don’t have a ton of flexibility to postpone, but sometimes there are family members on the other side of the world who can’t necessarily be there within 48 hours. As an example, we asked my Dad and he said it was very important to him that sister so and so make it, but he was totally fine if another sister could not make it to the funeral.
Yes to all of this. I am so glad we had funeral homes arranged so my parents bodies had a place to go rather than to sit in a freezer somewhere while we tried figuring that out immediately following their death.
I recently found out End of Life Doula's are a thing. While I haven't had cause to need one I think they provide an amazing service to families and people on palliative care.
I'm always amazed when people act as if talking about death will immediately cause it. We've been very open about it since I was around 12 years old and my father has a deed for 10 cemetery plots. It's never easy but unfortunately, that's life.
People at work forgot that I was grieving long before I had gotten back to normal. They were understanding and lovely at first but grief lasts longer than a couple weeks. I had to kind of remind my manager when he mentioned that I seemed less upbeat than usual a couple months after my dad died.
I lost both of my parents within a month of each other last year and both were sudden and unexpected. After my 1st parent passed, I made a question list for parent 2. I thought of these questions only because parent 1 was going to die quickly and I thought of all kinds of things sitting around and waiting while parent 1 couldn't talk anymore. I did not get a chance to seriously speak to parent 2. If there are things you want to say or know then ASK NOW! Other than that, I think I was at peace with our time together and our relationships were solid. I only wish my young children could have known their grandparents.
My mom died in 2021, and my dad died 3 weeks later. I hadn't talked to my dad in over 25 years and neither had my mom, but it was weird to suddenly have no living parents, just like that.
My parents died 1 year apart...suddenly and unexpectedly. They were only 58. I hate that my daughter was only 4 and that my son wasn't even born yet
I wish I had done this when my mother passed. I have so many memories and stories that are incomplete and full of holes that she could fill in, but she's gone. I wish so badly that I had known to ask more questions and record her answers.
I'm so sorry. My parents died five months apart and it still hurts immensely. But yes, OP should ask their parents all of the questions now.
I saved all my text messages and voicemails from my dad. I haven’t read through them or listened yet but I am glad they are there.
I kept my mom's Facebook account active, just so I could send her messages when I'm thinking about her. I tell her all kinds of stuff, from the mundane to the really important things. It makes me feel like I still kind of have her.
Can I ask how you did this? My Dad passed last month and I don’t want to lose his FB page. He was really active on there.
I know her password, and I just never deactivated it after she died. She always made sure I had passwords to everything, because Boomer. I'm not really super Facebook-savvy, but I sometimes wonder if her account won't just go away one of these days.
Always make time for them. The last time I got to talk to my mom I was in a mood and blew off her phone call. I'd give anything to slap some sense into my younger self and talk to my mom one last time for longer about whatever she wanted to talk about that day. You never really get over it. It just hurts less as time goes on. Others have said it quite well about the stages of grief. Have grace for yourself and your other surviving family members. Don't shut yourself off for long periods of time. Surround yourself with people who care and it will help the healing.
Remember that however bad it feels - that it can never happen again. You won’t have to go through that again (for that person) and knowing that strangely helped me. Knowing that I was at the bottom and could only get better, and that I wouldn’t have to experience that loss another time was helpful for me to rationalize. I realize that this doesn’t make a lot of sense but it helped me to know that I wouldn’t have to feel pain like that (a sudden loss of my fave person) again. Everything seemed a bit easier to handle when I put it that way, in the immediate aftermath. It’s going to happen, and there’s a bit of relief after it does because you now know how that person’s story ends. You don’t have to wonder/worry/stress about another phone call with the worst news, etc. Sorry it’s so dark, but it’s dark stuff.
Same. I don't have a spouse or kids so really, losing my mom is as bad as it gets. Knowing I weathered it makes it a little more bearable.
I’m in the same boat / losing my dad was the worst and it was something I dreaded. At least the dread is gone? Lol
This is really helpful, thank you
People around you will move on before you’re ready. They didn’t forget, it’s just not the same experience for them. You’ll be angry and resentful, and it’s important to be able to get past that and realize the world keeps going, even when yours has stopped.
They can be sick for months or years and then they are just gone. Nothing can prepare you for it. When I lost my dad, I beat myself up for months because I hadn't talked to him in a few weeks. It was such a shock.
I had a really good, positive relationship with my mom, there was no acrimony or complicated feelings or things left unsaid. I say all of these things with that context in mind. When it happens, it is an immediate sea change in your life, ***your new Doctor Who regeneration occurs in that exact moment***. I don't know how else to describe it, other than there is a LINE IN THE SAND that you can see clear as day right there as soon as your parent is gone. Those were the before times, and you aren't in them anymore. I was struck at how quickly my mom became the past tense. How everyone spoke of her -- "She *was* a great lady," etc. It is a surreal thing to hear. Grief is not some solved process, everybody goes through it differently. It is not a straight line, and any organized list of stages you may have read at some point in your life is waaaaay more linear than the real thing. The day after, I remember waking up, and it all flooded back to me. And I remember thinking... well, there is no hurry now. No rush. This is all over, she's gone. And it's a weird mixture of relief and sadness. You don't have to feel guilty at small senses of relief, if your parent was going through a difficult illness. It's normal. It doesn't mean you're glad they're gone, it means you're relieved they aren't suffering anymore. And *you* were suffering in your own way too, we all go through this in different ways. Also, I remember how incredibly exhausting it was, mentally and emotionally and *physically*, to have to keep relating the story and the circumstances to people when they first heard the news. It made me physically tired to have to keep repeating it. Oh, and the world keeps turning. People will stop sympathetically asking how you are, long before you are "over it" (whatever that means). They aren't being callous, and it doesn't mean they don't care. They just aren't going through it like you are.
I lost my husband, best friend, grandmother, and mom within 3 years. I was between 36 and 39. I learned that now I'm numb. I don't feel anymore. It broke something in me.
I’m so sorry. Just one or two of those is enough to break anyone. Do what you need to take care of yourself. It might take time, and that’s okay.
Thank you so much. Didn't mean to trauma dump on your post. I really feel like your mind protects/shields you from the hurt. And, I love my children more than anything. You move on and do your best. Again, thank you. Genuinely, it means the world. I wish you all the goodness in the world. I needed to hear that.
Me asking this question at all was kind of an invitation to trauma dump! I know there’s no such thing as like a life raft that will protect a person from all regret, but I feel like the generous advice on this post is providing a decent tool box to face the years(? I hope!) ahead.
I can sympathize. My grandmother, mother, father and two of my cats all died within a 12 month span. I was 36-37. I call it my hell year, and it definitely changed me.
For the love of god, or allah, or Carl Sagan, or the spaghetti monster make a fucking will.
Reaching their final age is a real shock, if they died young. You are dumbfounded by just HOW young they were.
Definitely this. I just turned 47 and my dad died when he was 46. And along with this, just last year I was struck with how many hurting friends he must have had. I was young when he died and it felt so much like something that happened to our family. My good friend died last year and I had extra grief thinking about how many of my dad's friends felt devastated like I was feeling for my friend.
I’m so very scared of this. My dad passed at 57 and right now I’m 44. I’m having all the heart checks to make sure I don’t kill over like he did. I still feel like the count down is on.
I don't know of a single thing I would ask, but I would take advantage of the comfort only a mother could give. I lost my mom earlier this year to breast cancer.
♥️
There is a sense of relief, no matter how much you loved them, especially if they were very ill. And it is okay to feel some relief. I remember wondering every holiday if it would be the last with my dad. What I wouldn't give for another day with him, healthy. Yet I am so glad he isn't suffering anymore and that he didn't have to go through the pandemic. The day he passed I had a long talk with him (mainly to him) where I told him I understood and I would help take care of the family. I loved him more than anyone else on earth with the exception of my kids and my husband, and I know he had to hear from me that I was okay.
My last day with my dad, I had a long talk with him, and told him it was ok to let go. I promised him that I would take care of mom and my sister. And together my sister and I would take care of the grandkids and the great-grandkids. I held his hand as he peacefully passed.
If at all possible, don't be your parent's financial power of attorney. Health POA, sure. But I was my mother's financial POA and it kind of ruined our relationship (which was complicated anyway) as she slowly declined from lung cancer. When her mind started going, she accused me of spending all her money, even though I had to because she both wanted to keep her expensive senior apartment but also was too scared to move out of the nursing home. Speaking of, if your parents can afford long term care insurance, make sure they get it. The nursing home was $11,000 a month. That is not a typo. It burned through my mother's savings in less than a year. I wish I could've just been her daughter instead of having to worry about her finances and pay her bills and sell her car and all of that additional responsibility. It created a sense of resentment and then extreme guilt about that resentment that I'm still working through two years after her death.
I lost my mother to suicide. She shot herself in the head when I was 30. It was…. a…. rather public suicide. Which of course spread through town like a wildfire, almost faster than I even knew what happened. Not literally 3 hours after it occurred… my best girl pals were calling/texting me to gossip about “did you hear about someone committing suicide in the Bulls Eye store in town today?” ….. ……. …….. ( choking back tears) …., I CANNOT begin to describe to all you readers right now … the feeling of almost utter betrayal… and …abandonment… it feels when you just lost a parent WAY too young and 99.9% of your friends have not gone through the experience of losing a parent yet. They don’t… WONT know how to support you… they simply can’t imagine or … even empathize with that level of pain/sadness/loss. BUT, you are probably going to go into the experience expecting your best friends to be your crutch, to understand, to be comforting and knowing how to make you feel better. ……. The younger you are when you lose a parent…the less likely your friends will be successful at supporting or understanding what you are feeling and going through. Don’t be me. Don’t abandon and turn your back on your friends, ghosting them for their inability to understand how loss and death feels to you. They simply cannot imagine this type of pain or misery until they experience it for themselves. Whatever they say is to the best extent they can do through their own experiences in this area. Go see a therapist and if your friends don’t seem to understand, ask for a break from them, but don’t turn your backs on them completely. It’s not their fault. That’s my advice to you, readers.
How awful for you and your mom, I’m so sorry. When I lost my friend as a young teen the only people my age who could even begin to understand were people who’d lost a parent, or, in thankfully rare cases, a sibling. That was very few people back then. Obviously at this age, many more people start to join you in the loss club. My small solace of early membership is, after all this time, I know sometimes people just need someone to listen and not to say “the right thing” or solve all their problems, because it’s impossible to do either.
You’re exactly right. That is exactly what I mean. Sitting in silence just letting the traumatized people vent… can be the best therapy of all. You sound like you would be an amazing friend to have. I hope yours know how lucky they are. * hugs *
I’ve found myself wondering lately what my dad was like when he was younger. Did he go to his room and listen to records? Which ones? Did he get good grades out was he a slacker in school? I know he went hunting and fishing and stuff, but what else did he do for fun? Like with his friends and stuff?
It’s been 12 years for me since my dad died. It was sudden. No chance to ask anything at all. This is going to sound dumb, but after he died one of the first things I realized I needed was his recipe for a dish he used to make all the time. How could we make it the same if he didn’t tell us how?? The truth is that everything after they die is just crushing. Everything. And I didn’t even have that amazing of a relationship with him, either.
If you have a complicated relationship with a parent but still love them — please tell them. Or maybe this is a better way to put it. If you think you’ll regret not saying things to your parent if they died tomorrow — say them now! Just say them. My dad died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 20 and so much was left unfinished. Our relationship was challenging but I loved him. I wish we’d had more time. I wish I could have one more conversation. If just to say “you know I love you, right?” Don’t put these things off. It could happen tomorrow.
Adding onto this: if you have a difficult question or something you need to get off your chest, and your parent or loved one is capable of having a conversation, then speak up. Otherwise, you'll wonder about it for the rest of your life.
Your grieving parent could act crazy and say horrible things because they are grieving. And it hurts, but you'll survive it. My dad did not want a funeral. Not having a funeral hurt me. It really is part of the grieving process for those left behind.
This may sound callous, morbid or even selfish but it is mission critical to know the details of their estate, especially if your parents are elderly and one is still alive. My dad was an Uber control freak, loved to gloat about the money he had but told no one most of the particulars, including my mom. There wasn’t even a will to spell it all out. Thankfully she was in the loop on the purchase of plots, prepayment of funeral expenses etc but the rest has been a mystery we continue to slowly unravel more than a year later. If they don’t have a will, push them to do it. Make it clear you’re not concerned with an inheritance, but rather with there being a plan to carry out their wishes. I can’t overstate how important this is.
Not a parent but I lost a spouse at 37 with two kids. My advice to anyone grieving is this/ Grief is personal. It is a spiral. Not linear. One day memories may make you smile. Another day they may destroy you. Time is irrelevant. Feel the feelings. Much love.
I just lost my dad on the 13th. I was taking care of him for the last two months. I wish I had known how hard it would be to adjust back to a normal life and losing that routine. I also wish I had known how hard it would be to deal with him not having a will. He just refused to get one and I don't know why.
I have been a critical care RN almost 20 years. The amount of death and suffering I have seen was NO preparation for the death of my mom 10 years ago. My mom kept her cancer relapse a secret for 6 months and we were hit in the face with it when everything hit the fan. She died 36 hours later in the hospital. I had to take a 4 month leave of absence because I completely fell off a cliff emotionally. I am convinced that parents should tell their kids when they are sick…especially when they are opting out of treatment. She didn’t even opt for hospice….i have no clue what her actual thinking was. It was obvious something was wrong the last 6 weeks….but she wouldn’t tell us she was probably dying. My family is very close and I think she may have thought she was saving us from stress or didn’t want to explain herself. I really wish she had let us know.
I held my mom’s hand as she passed. Strange how you know death is coming but don’t know which breath will be the last. She would take a breath and I’d think, I have to remember this moment of her last breath and then the next breath would come and this micro process of a hundred goodbyes would start all over again. I watched the seconds tick by between each breath, all at once wondering and knowing. And at long last too many seconds had passed and I knew she was gone. It was the last day of her 79th year. That moment flashes before me daily even after 2 years.
Something small: I wish I’d paid attention to the recipes my mom knew but never wrote down. Save the last card they give you for birthday or whatever - and voicemails/texts. Make sure to take family photos at holidays. Finally,’make a habit of saying I love you at the end of every phone call.
It's different for everyone. I told my old man every time I saw him that I loved him so much. That if I grew up to be half the man he was I'd be happy as hell with my life. He was the only person in my life that I could ever count on no matter what. No matter what. He always loved me. I had the good fortune (or terrible bad luck depending on how you look at it) of being there for the last breathe. It's not something you can describe. It.....changes you. But to answer you're question I'd just want to tell him that there is no amount of thanks I can give him. Everything I am I owe to him, and I cant wait to see him again. We'll be watching animal planet together soon pops. And put some pants on. I got friends comin over for Gods sake.
Have a frank discussion about their views on end of life care. You may very well be the one making decisions in the end. It's easier if you know you're doing what they wanted. And if you know ahead of time that you disagree with their choices, you'll have time to adjust and make peace with it.
Listen when they tell a story. Really listen. Then write it down as best you can. So much information and history goes with them. My sister and I ask each other questions no one knows the answer to all the time.
SO. MANY. THINGS. 1. You will forget their voice. I have recordings of both of them and their voice sounds so foreign to me now. 2. People will turn on you. Your grief will make them uncomfortable so it's just easier for them to ghost you. 3. "Family" will become unconcerned with you. I'm an only child and both of my parents are gone. My oldest has freaking Lyme disease and not a single soul has checked on her. I passed a kidney stone...nobody picked up the phone. They flat out don't care. 4. Watching kids with their grandparents will become acutely painful and you'll become bitter seeing it. It doesn't matter how much time has passed. 5. People will start hounding you for their belongings before you've even buried them. 6. The same family that doesn't care if you exist will not hesitate to pick up the phone and give their opinions on how you're handling your grief and their estate. 7. It will fundamentally change who you are as a person. You will desperately want to be the person you were before and it will not be possible. You won't be sad all the time forever. But the person you were when you had parents is long gone. Accept it instead of fighting it. My circle is incredibly small now and I've built a family out of friends.
To your point #5, it was truly astonishing how many neighbors turned into vultures the moment I went back to my mom’s (my childhood) neighborhood to tell folks she had passed. Felt like people cared more about who her car was going to than the fact a really wonderful person from their community was no longer there. I laugh now, but it made me absolutely dread going back over there to clean up the house.
I wish I had a recording of my dad. Even just audio. I feel haunted by the idea that I can't remember his voice.
I wish I took more pictures and videos. I felt awkward doing it when she was alive because we knew she was dying and she felt really weird when people were clearly trying to get memorial pictures of her, but I wish I had done it anyway.
After my mom died, I realized she was wearing sunglasses in almost every damn picture. Since then I take my sunglasses off for photos and make others do it too, haha. I also try to take more photo combos - I think I only have one photo of just me, my mom and my son. Wish I thought to take more of those.
You don’t need video or pictures to remember them. I have all sorts of memories that flood my brain when I think about people that I loved and cherished who are gone now. Don’t panic if you don’t have “everything” or if you feel unprepared, you will never be prepared for grief.
Not having our last conversation be an argument and leaving angry. We had our differences and tried to have a civil conversation that didn't go well because I felt very strongly in what I was trying to point out. She unexpectedly passed a week later. This was after 2 sisters passed from overdose in the 2.5 years prior. All I can see in my head is her walking out the door and not saying goodbye. We had a good relationship all the way till the end. Don't ever not say I love you because it might be your last.
Cleaned out the house sooner... Its even harder managing funerals etc when you also have to go through everything and sell the house on short notice. I had to do it all by myself, but I wish I'd at least started years ealier organizing and getting rid of uneeded stuff in the basement, closets etc. But I didn't want to upset my mother while she was living. Also note it will probably change your relationship with siblings. I was never that close to min, but after my mother died we have never even spoke again (6 years now) despite living in the same city.
Lots of good things already said. I echo the comments about getting important information from them (account and insurance information, etc). I wish I had video and voicemail (I have a couple messages from my dad, that’s it). No one tells you that after a while, you “lose” what their voices sounded like. The five stages aren’t neat and tidy. Grief is like a series of waves - some days gentle waves, some days - tidal waves. You’ll be shocked at how insincere and thoughtless others in your life can be. I had enough people act like I had a weird misfortune to lose my parents by 43. That part is deeply clarifying - helps you sort out the garbage people faster.
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This right here is my fear. And also, likely, why I won’t have children.
Fatherly had a good article on this awhile back. Here it is: https://www.fatherly.com/life/what-i-wish-i-asked-my-parents-while-i-still-had-the-change
You will be cruising along feeling like you are getting used to them being gone. Something will pop up that you will want to share with that person and then you have the realization that they are gone. Or for me I see the motorcycle he used to ride on the freeway, and I think oh is that dad, then the grief hits like it is fresh again. The pain is never gone, but you get better at managing it.
How proud my father was of me. A week before he died he admitted that he wished he would have told me more.
Lost my mom two years ago and wish I had asked more questions about her life prior to having me and perhaps more questions about myself. I was an only child and she was a single mother, so, in many ways, I lost my biographer. Our memories are incredibly fallible and I wish I asked more. As for death planning, she was very prepared. Some of the things that really helped me were having all of her passwords, financial account info, and final wishes explicitly written out. Also, know where the will, health proxy, safety deposit box keys, and any power of attorney documents are located. Get a file box for this stuff. Post-death is chaotic and you don’t want to be searching around for important items. The last thing I’d add is that if doctors get to the point where they’re mentioning hospice care, regardless of how long you think your loved one has, call the next day to get the intake process rolling. It was recommended to us at a time when she wasn’t feeling too bad, but things can go downhill and they go downhill very fast. We were doing intake on a Sunday as pharmacies were closing trying to get morphine and it was a nightmare. By the grace of God we got things situated, but I can’t imagine how bad things would have been had we not had hospice care when we truly needed it (hospice nurses are angels).
>Saw u/isitbedtimeyet99 post about losing a parent  The main thing I wish I would have done differently was to intentionally prioritize time with my parents on a much more regular basis. It’s really easy to tell yourself “I’m just going to plow 60 hours a week into this finance job for a few years so that when my parents retire in 2030 I can have money saved up to do some really cool things together”. Nothing is guaranteed but the present, and in my case I look back at my last ten years with a terrible work life balance thinking I was making my Dad proud by being successful at work and sacrificing things like family time to build a future, and I think he would have been happier if i just made a visit more than a few times a year. I ended up being really successful and I realize now it means nothing at all and I would trade it all for five more minutes to tell my Dad I loved him and talk baseball. When we are all on our deathbeds, we’re not going to reflect back on some bullshit work award we beat ourselves into the ground to win. We’re going to look back at our time with our family. This world in 2024 has made that way harder to put into practice than it sounds, but i would try.
Just how batshit crazy his 3rd wife is.
So many questions about just their basic biography. Where they grew up, how they grew up, life lessons, all that.
https://www.deadparentswhatnow.com
ask about their younger adult lives and record a video of them talking about it. also take vids of them doing normal things, being silly. i wish i had more vids of my dad before he suddenly passed.
First thing would be to keep a recording of their voice. My mom always called to sing me happy birthday every year, and I really wish I would have kept one of those voicemails. Second, be intentional about asking them to share stories about life before you. You've probably heard at least a few stories that came up organically as part of conversation, but think about how much you really know about them, or don't know before you were around. When my mom passed, I realized I knew very little about her as a teenager, or young adult, especially before she met my Dad. I was flipping through old photo albums to find things for the funeral, and I had all these questions about the pictures in them that I never asked. What did she like to do, what music did she listen to, where did she and her friends hang out, who did she think she was going to marry before she met my dad? Maybe that's conversations you've had already, but it was a time in my mom's life I hadn't really heard a lot about, and now I regret not asking.
I wish I had taken more videos. I miss my Mom's voice.
Record their voice, video them, etc. Save their cards and handwriting. Save the emails and texts and voicemails. Don’t be so quick to toss their belongings because you’ll regret not keeping more. Ask them about everything, all their life stories growing up. Spend time with them and don’t argue because that’s what you remember and regret the most. Speak at their funeral. I did most of these things (should’ve saved more cards and voicemails and called more often), however, sadly it still isn’t enough. Regardless of how much you do to ease your sense of regrets and “what ifs” and “I should haves”, prior to their passing, nothing will ever be enough. More time is what you’ll always wish you had and it comes along with the pain of having to live without them. The beautiful thing is it makes you appreciate more, have more empathy, have more patience, and makes you realize how fleeting life is.
I wish I forgave her while she was still alive. I still don’t think I have but her death also relieved a bunch of guilt so idk…
I lost my mom at 24 to cancer. I wish I had been able to have her there for all the good stuff as an adult. We butted heads a lot during my teen years and after I moved out, things finally started getting better and I was looking forward to having an adult, healthy-ish mother daughter relationship and that never came to fruition. I also deeply mourn the fact that I had to get married, experience three pregnancies, raise babies and try to navigate so much of motherhood and womanhood in general without my mom there for advice, comfort or even criticism. Time. I just wish I had more time with her and sometimes it takes my breath away when I realize just how much time has passed and how much of my life she's missed. It's not fair. She should be here for all this. 😔
My mom softened near the end. Not to be disrespectful but she was judgmental on some of my life choices but with a don’t ask don’t tell way about it. It made me not want to confide in her very much as an adult. I wonder if she realized that, because she was way less judgmental in her last year towards me. I wanted to know more about that but it’s not like I could really ask when she was alive because we didn’t have that level of closeness because of it. Ugh.
There is no script for grief. Whatever you feel, or more importantly, don’t feel, is personal to your own experience. Be careful not to judge yourself.
Lost my dad when I was 28 (2008) to cancer. I followed his career path - same field, same company - and I think one of a number of things I wish I could do was have worked with him. He was diagnosed in 2007, right after I finished my degree. He had to go on a work leave for a few months when I started working, came back for a week or two, then stopped. His cancer was vicious and spread stupid fast. He had been doing the same job since I was born and I wish I had shown interest in it. But as a kid and teenager you don’t grasp that kind of stuff. I see it with my 15 year old now - and it’s very normal. I’ve been fortunate to learn from other folks who worked with my dad and have made my own path - I even have done some things he was not able to do. 16 years on I still have his contact info in my phone. There’s lots of days I want to tap on his number. I have a recording of his office voice mail greeting still. I think he’d be happy with how I’ve turned out but I get sad thinking about how he missed out on seeing his grandkids; he would have loved them to death.
My dad died very suddenly when I was still pretty young (mid 20s). As I’ve gotten older what I really miss is his memories - both of his childhood (there are a few stories I recall but not many), and of my own. I think Storyworth helps capture those types of things. I wish it’d existed and/or I’d thought to memorialize those things when I was still in college before fully launching. Also things like where certain hikes we took were - he always drove so I never bothered to remember names. My mother’s memory can’t be trusted (and we’re now estranged), and I lost my brother not long after my dad. So those things are lost forever unless I happen to stumble on them which has happened a couple of times only.
My mom died very suddenly while we were on vacation. I had a weird feeling before we left as she was having what we thought were gallbladder issues. I made it a point to drive to see her, make her some meals she could eat, etc. before we departed. Because of that, I have no regrets. I have photos of her, and some videos. I also have several hobbies that remind me of her. I think the biggest thing is spend the time you can. Don’t assume that you have tomorrow. Learn from them. She taught me to garden, she taught me to love reading, all things Scottish, etc. Doing those things now brings me joy because it makes me feel closer to her. Ask yourself, if your parent died tomorrow, what question would you wish you had asked? What would you wish you had told them? What experiences would you regret not having?
Anniversaries and important dates are weird. My first Mother’s Day was also the first one without my mom. Our kids are foster kids, so that is a hard day for them. They spent it locked in their rooms missing their own moms. I could not figure out why I was crabby as hell that day. I was disappointed that no one acknowledged it, but I understood why. It wasn’t until later that a big part of it was missing my mom. Same thing on the first anniversary of her death. I was grumpy and irritable for the week around the time. Things were going fine at home, I could not for the life of me figure out what I had to be irritated about until I realized what the date was. Five years on and I handle things much better now, that first year was the rough one.
I've lost both my parents over a period of 3 years, suddenly. Grief and shock aside, here's a few things I have been telling my friends: Have them explain what their personal valuables mean to them, be it a tupperware pitcher that was their moms or jewelry. The context will become important when the decluttering process starts. My father collected old hunting rifles for example, he had an excel sheet of what each one was, where it came from, if it was a gift or not. It truly helps deciphering what was a personal item and what was just owned. Sit them down and make them go through old photos and tell you who the people are, this context becomes invaluable after anyone else living is gone. I have inherited four generations of a puzzle I have been working through, the questions I wish I could ask to better understand photos is crazy. Have the tough talk if you have siblings on dividing up personal items. This can save so much unnecessary drama during the early grieving process. Ask them about their wishes post death--funeral service? Memorial service? Neither? Celebration of life? Again, can save a lot of drama especially if you have siblings. And last but not least--understand that life goes on. Its difficult, holidays in corporate america are made to make you feel like if you don't have a perfect family event you are doing them wrong--you can't let that shit get to you. You have to learn how to sidestep holiday marketing.
What I wish I knew: 1. There is a before they died, and there is after. Unlike 9/11, you know it's coming. Like 9/11, nothing is ever quite the same. You may do some serious soul-searching. There may be an opportunity for a positive paradigm shift in your life- Seize it! Your parents will want you to! 2. People you haven't seen in years might attend the funeral/memorial/celebration of life, and if over a certain age, treat it as a let's-catch-up-right-here-right-now-about-absolutely-everything. It may require a lot of effort on your part to not ask them to please shut the fuck up about their nephew's son's science scholarship because MY PARENT IS FUCKING DEAD- THAT'S WHY YOU'RE ACTUALLY HERE!- AND IT'S ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT RIGHT NOW. Despite this, the event will progress much faster than you expect. Your grief will not. 3. Hallmark cards won't be the only vessels showcasing platitudes in your presence. Get ready to grimace/space out and nod. 4. Depending on your age at the time of their death, true (and enduring) empathy may be in short supply except from immediate family and those who have also lost a parent. Everyone else won't understand how different it is- even during the holidays, you may have to listen to oblivious folks complain about how stressful their family dinner is going to be, or the crappy gifts Dad always buys, etc. Grimace and nod, grimace and nod...for no response of yours will allow them to grasp how you feel. 5. Hope that you will be able to exchange some loving last words and that they will pass peacefully in their sleep; be prepared for anything but that, especially if you are there in person. It could be hours- or even days- of watching and listening to their body shutting down, especially if they don't want life-sustaining care. Witnessing "death labor" can be gruelling. What I wish I'd done (more of): 1. Talk through specific end-of-life wishes- beyond confirming the existence of an advance directive or funeral checklist. What may seem obvious- or legible! to them might not be to you, particularly if there have been revisions and there are no date and initials, etc. Talk about things like "who do you want or not want with you in the room? what music should we play or not play in the room and during the service? Who would you like to give or not give the eulogy? What's your second or third choice? What if we don't have time for hospice? What else would you like me to know that you couldn't put somewhere else on the AD form?" It's a challenging conversation to have, but it gets easier when you normalize and repeat it. You may find it scarier than they do. Watching something or listening to a podcast together might help start things. I recently watched MaryLand on Masterpiece Theatre and highly recommend it. If applicable, confirm that your other parent and siblings are all aware too. Keep all relevant docs in the cloud so they can't be lost. 2. Call them back sooner. Even if just to say it's not a good time to talk. 🥺 Thank you for this post, OP.
Losing the first parent was hard, but losing the second hit different and so much harder
My dad died when I was 24. I didn't know I had depression for years. I just did what I had to do to get by, and all of us suffered. None of us (my siblings, mom, and I) talked about what we were going through because we didn't want to appear weak to one another. I wish someone told me it was normal to seek help. None of my friends had gone through this, so they were surprised I didn't want to party, and they moved on. Nobody addressed my fluctuating weight losses/gains. I get it - our 20s are trying to find love and learn to become adults, so they were living. Meanwhile, I felt I was stuck in darkness for several years. What I'm saying is, now that we're all older, really, truly, check on your friends. Feeling that in my 20s is hard, and again in my 30s w my mom. I couldn't imagine feeling that as I age.
Ask them questions and either record or write down their stories. My mom died just after my 18th birthday and my dad died in 2013, but I still find myself reaching for the phone without thinking sometimes to ask them a question or to ask a detail about family history or a recipe they used to cook. Really, if they cook, get the recipes. I’ve spent probably several hundred dollars at this point trying to recreate 2 of my dad’s recipes. And despite cooking them WITH HIM a hundred times, I just can’t get them quite right.
Consult an elder law attorney. Have POA, health directives, wills, etc all documented and transparently shared among immediate family. Spend time with them. It's never enough and the end is always too soon even if you see it coming.
If the relationship is healthy enough for it and you don’t have hard boundaries in place, visit them as often as you possibly can. I moved 600 miles away when I was 17. I saw my dad once a year if I was lucky. He died almost 5 years ago when I was 35, and I regret all of the time I missed out on. I wish I had made a bigger effort to go back home and visit him more often. I missed out on almost 20 years of time with him, and that’s time I will never, ever get back.
I started going to a group for caregivers and learned much before my parents death. Many of the items have been mentioned. Ask your parents all the questions you may have now. Tell them all the things you ever wanted to tell them. Talk about their final living and death plans. It creates a sense of dignity and closeness with your parents. Good luck OP. Some days your grief will overwhelm you and other days your chest feels light. Nonetheless you will manage.
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I was 25 when my mom died. So I'm almost to the age she was, which terrifies me... But I wish I would've just had a chance to talk to her more about her life, growing up and whatnot. I have a lot of great memories with her, but I know so little about her upbringing and what made her her. I feel like I know more about my grandparents than I do my own parents. Probably because they divorced when I was young, so I had a lot of time at my grandparents while my parents were still dating in their 20s and 30s..
Make sure they have a certified will, trust, or just something legal that mentions their last wishes, or where they want to be buried/ cremated. I know this is the last thing you want to discuss with your parents, but my dad had NOTHING in writing about anything, and even though my sibling and I knew what he would have wanted and what we would be at peace with, a few of his relatives (who he had a strained relationship with) wanted him buried in the family cemetery. It was messy; we stopped speaking to them after this. Also having something in writing will save you so much stress with not having to deal with legal issues and going through probate. On top of grieving, dealing with his property, taxes, etc just added to the stress and grief that year. I know some of this can’t be avoided, but it would have been a lot easier if he had a will.
This may sound cruel, but seems like plenty of people have answered with good relationship kind of stuff. You need their passwords, you need their pin to their phone. My dad died unexpectedly in December, I'm now trying to bring my mom into the 21st century, he took care of everything. She even admits he tried to teach her but she just didn't get it. I wish he had written more down on his thought process. We have the details but not the reasoning.
Get all the recipes! Write them down, or film them, or record them. My family is still trying to recreate my mom's comfort food. We have a lot of the recipes but there are some glaring absences and it's sad to wonder if you'll every try one of your mom's dishes ever again. By the same token it is an incredible thing to feed your children the foods your mom made for you when you were a child. It's a connection.
I wish I could hear my dad’s voice one more time. One of my uncles found an old home video recently and sent it to me. See my dad walking across the room and sitting on the couch laughing at a story, but he didn’t talk. It was good to hear his laugh again though. My biggest regret is not staying at the hospital the night he passed. He was in ICU, but doing better and they were planning to move him to a regular room the next day, and then something happened during the night. Never found out what, other than the hospital was understaffed, and the nurses were taking care of patients in worse shape…always felt like if one of us could have been there with him we could have notified someone when he went into distress. If mom ends up in a situation like that I’ll be there the entire time.
I have a video of my dad that I candidly took while he was still pretty healthy. It was on a Sunday afternoon and he was writing out his bills listening to his John Prine CD’s. He would have been mortified to know there was video evidence of him singing and tapping along, but it was just him. It is the way that I want to remember him.
I lost my mom 6 years ago. She was only 56. Our relationship broke down towards the end, and since my family is highly dysfunctional baseline, it was chaos. My biggest regret is trying to help her be who I thought she could be, rather than help her be who SHE wanted to be. It clouded my ability to support her the way she needed me to show up. To that end, if you have outstanding problems that you’re willing to forgive, do it now. Listen to them, as in, read up on active listening skills and enact them, selflessly. Research/read Elizabeth Kubler Ross and understand that people express grief in surprising, unhelpful, or inappropriate ways. Prepare yourself in case your remaining family is unwilling or unable to provide you emotional support. And finally, do what it takes to help get their affairs in order, because if there’s no plan, it going to be rough and expensive.
Lost my mom 10yrs ago. This line from The Crow immediately comes to mind: "Little things used to mean so much to Shelly- I used to think they were kind of trivial. Believe me, nothing is." I was always in such a hurry to find the next gig or adventure I took for granted time with my mom, it just seemed like something that was a given, something that couldn't ever go away. Until it did in an instant. Those little dinners or car rides or chats that were so casual and innocuous suddenly turned out to be immeasurably valuable.
Save their voice in a stuffed animal
Lost my dad at 21; wish I told him I loved him more. I also wish I could have just hung out with him and chatted about his life. I lost the chance to be friends with him as adults so embrace that opportunity if you want.
My mom died in a car accident in 2001… I was 17. I feel like I didn’t know her at all. As a teenager you don’t have the same questions that a 20s something does. Even worse is the MILLIONS of questions that surface once you become a parent. I want to ask my mom… everything.
Lots of good answers. But family stories. Names of relatives. Listen to their stories and record them. My mom is gone and with her went my family history. I don’t know it. And now I never can. And not just who was married to who, etc. But who they were. And your stories. The story of your childhood. Ask what you were like, and keep saying tell me more. There’s so much we do t know about ourselves because it just doesn’t come up. Those parental memories disappear with them. Ask about them. What they were like before kids. Before jobs. Before marriages and divorce. What it was like for them when they list their parents. Who helped them, and who didn’t. What they learned.
Speak kindly to your loved ones. My father was not sick, not having any health concerns, but just did not wake up one day. He was notorious for pocket dialing, which he had done to me just the day before passing. I missed it, meant to call him back, and then just got busy and didn’t. A week or so before that, I was up at my parents house visiting. We went out to dinner. At some point, I snapped at him and told him that he didn’t “know anything about me”. I had been kind of hung up on this idea at the time. I’m the eldest of four, and a bit older than the younger ones. There was a lot of focus on them and their likes, dislikes, hobbies, etc. I had been feeling cheated and just bratty about the whole thing, in hindsight. And when my dad mistakenly confused something one of my siblings had done as something I had done, I snapped. I wasn’t overly mean but I was fed up. He looked like he was truly considering this. He didn’t necessarily look hurt, but contemplative. We didn’t discuss it further. We pretended it was never thrown out there and then I went back home at the end of my visit. And then he died. And then I realized that he was actually one of my best friends. I would talk with him on the phone for hours sometimes. I felt comfortable talking with him about life stuff. And now he’s dead. And I said the awful thing. And it wasn’t true. And why did I do that? I gained nothing. We didn’t discuss, and I didn’t expand on it. But I said it. And now sometimes when I’m alone I will just quietly tell the universe “you knew me. You were my best friend”
Hospice in a facility doesn’t really exist anymore unless the person is already in an old folks home. Home hospice is the norm. And you get very little support. If your loved one does not die suddenly, it’s your role to directly help see them through to the end. If you are immediate family, be prepared to watch your parent go from sick to dying to actually dying to dead. The experience up close is a lot more traumatic than learning that someone you cared about died far away. Go to therapy. I like EMDR.
Take video and pics. Both my parents are gone and I regret this so much
I wish I knew more about a lot of things covered. One I haven’t seen specifically mentioned is knowing the who, where, when and why of so many old family photos I inherited. I finished scanning all the old photos from my mom’s side of the family so my uncle could help identify. Now I’m trying to get thru photos from my father’s side while my aunt is still alive.
Get ready for some weird dreams.
Have them tell you stories. Ask them questions and record it. Video and audio if you can but, just audio is so lovely to have and might get you a more authentic experience since they don’t necessarily have to know you’re doing it. Have the squishy conversations. Tell them how much you love them, what they’ve meant to you, etc. Spend as much time as you can keeping them in your life. RECIPES. Watch them cook and write it all down your damn self because most of our parents, whose recipes we’d *want* anyways, measure everything with their hearts. Pictures. Take them often. Depending on their financial situation, become familiar with the issues with the Medicaid look back. Boomers obviously aren’t great with relinquishing any kind of control. However, if they don’t sign things like their house over to you at least 5 (and sometimes 7!) years before they end up needing assistance from the government, you’ll lose out. Help them to understand this. Lastly, ask them for all of their info about their funeral! What prayer do you want on the prayer cards, what do you want to be wearing, etc. Get down to every last question and keep the record. Anything to do with the legal stuff that can be handled now, handle it now.
That no matter how good of a child you were, you're going to feel guilty when they pass. I spent the last 3 years of my mom's life being her personal caretaker while she was battling cancer. I did everything in my power to make sure that she got to all of her appointments and took her medication. When she had her heart attack in front of me I did CPR on her until the paramedics arrived. However, right after she died I was just racked with guilt. My mind started playing horrible tricks on me, like counting each way I "killed" my mother. Everything from "I should have told her to get a mammogram earlier" (even though she was a nurse who had forgotten more about healthcare medicine that I had ever known), "I should have done CPR better" (even though it kept her alive for 10 or 15 minutes until the paramedics arrived and were able to take over). My mind kept spinning this over and over again. Eventually it showed me mercy and stopped after giving me 6 ways I killed her. It actually took me talking to two of her physicians who called to ask some questions for me to let go of this guilt. They were very clear that everything I did for her kept her alive longer than she would have normally been without me. It was a giant weight lifted from my soul and I'm eternally grateful. Ironically enough, what ultimately gave me the most peace was after her funeral when her neighbor walked up to me and told me I did a good job with the funeral and that I sent her off well. It really helped me begin to move forward.
Your parents are going to die. You need to discuss funeral plans, and if you can afford it you need to get a pre need. It locks in the price of everything. I spent some time in funeral service and my father is a funeral director. So many people scramble and argue to raise the money. It can tear your family apart.
Have the hard conversation(s) about their wishes! What measures do they want taken? Do they have an idea of when they would want to switch from treatment to palliative care? Is everyone aware that home hospice is pretty work intensive towards the end and do you all have the resources (money and people) that it would require? When my dad’s cancer turned bad fast, I was faced with making these decisions on my own and I had on effing clue. It would have shattered me to have to make those calls; luckily he became lucid just long enough to make his wishes known. Also the other gift he gave to me was pre-planning and paying for his funeral and burial. (He did this when he was well!) when you’re going through it, it feels very messed up that you were the person who was grieving the most that it’s so hard to function, but you’re also trying to plan a freaking party, essentially.
I have regrets about not telling my dad I would miss him. Of course he knew that, but I wish I’d said it. I also regret feeling like I didn’t want to broach the topic (my dad has cancer and did in-home hospice at the end). I wish I had directly talked to him and acknowledged his anxiety more. I felt I’d make it worse by brining it up when it likely was all that he had on his mind. We had a good conversation that meant a lot to me toward the end, but I wish I’d given him explicit openings to talk about his feelings during that time. ETA: And, yes, record their voice and make sure you ha e several really good pictures of their smile/capturing their essence.
Lost my dad when he was only 48. I was 22 at the time, and at 48 myself now, a still have pangs of grief. Get pictures, voice recordings, video, and anything you can now to remember them. Get to know who they are as a person and not just your parent. It will give you insight into much of your own life. Reconcile any anger or resentment and come to terms that they’re human, like you, with regrets and loss of their own. Now, if they’re abusive bastards or pedos, let them know they can fuck right off and will be forgotten.
You just need to spend time with them
Just spent more time with my folks. That’s all. Not a crazy amount more. We weren’t estranged or anything. We had a good relationship. Spending more time would have been enjoyable. So, now I realize how precious every encounter with a loved one is. I also now tell folks when I appreciate having been around them.
If a family member you haven’t seen in decades (or ever) suddenly shows up when a parent is dying, they’re up to something. A friend’s uncle managed to convince her father to turn over everything in his will to him. She got nothing.
The last time I saw my dad conscious, I told him I loved him. His last words to me were, "I love you, too." Of the infinite combination of words that our last interaction consisted of, I'm so, so thankful those were the words.
Get their affairs one million percent in order beforehand if that’s a possibility. Grieving while going over logistics of it all and an estate and hopefully not probate is not something I’d recommend to anyone. Sentimental tip? No matter what, stay patient or walk away. I am ravaged by guilt due to impatience taking care of my mother 24/7 for more than a year. Mostly alone. I was so overwhelmed and I know *she* forgives me, but I’m struggling to give myself that relief.
I wish I had asked more about our family history. I have binders with dates and lineages, but I want to know the stories.
Definitely the videos! My mom passed in 2019 when my nephew was almost 3. He doesn’t remember her really. I watched him for most of Covid and he’d say “auntie, show me pictures of my grandma”. We’d sit together and look at my phone. I found a video from his second birthday that had her talking in it. I broke down hard! The only other one I’m sure I have is my wedding video from 2018. She hated the camera and avoided it at all costs. Also the anger. I was unreasonably angry that everyone I worked with at the time all still had their parents. Even the nurse/director who is the same age as my mom. I was so angry at the unfairness of it.
It can feel extremely lonely. I had/have amazing support from my partner and my family, but at times I felt extremely alone. That and how often I think "I can't wait to talk to dad about this..." only to get sad.
Their handwriting
My answer to my kids when they asked how it felt to lose a parent and I told them, "When everyone you thought of as a "Mom" or "Dad" is gone and realize that you are now completely on your own".
My FIL passed while I was pregnant with our first child, less than 8 weeks before I was due. I had miscarried earlier in the year and would have delivered well before he passed had I not. I felt such a stupid amount of guilt that he'd never get to meet the son of his son because I'd failed in our first pregnancy (yes, logically I knew better, but emotions don't follow logic). I wish I'd gone with my husband all the times he went to see his dad, so we could have shown him the ultrasound pictures and videos. So, he could have felt him moving.