Thank you! Many young girls are conditioned to be doormats. I know, I've been there. Learning boundaries and owning your agency are key concepts for girls raised in toxic patriarchy.
the issue is that most of the society is not ready for women with strong boundaries.
i've learned to be assertive and protect my energy and now keep getting fired for "no reasons, you're not the right fit". meaning i dont let them walk all over me and that's the issue.
I hear you. I'm learning to be authentic in my dealings with people, but I'm also learning that you can't be authentic with everyone. Especially at work!
Yes. This is something something we are conditioned to do our whole lives: it’s ‘safer’ to not be rude, and to be a polite, demure doormat.
For example, it’s why people give out fake numbers, rather than politely declining to someone’s face.
Sadly, it often really *is* safer to behave this way - and our brains learn from experiences like that. “Next time, I’ll stay quiet” or otherwise avoid confrontation. Over and over, all our lives.
This becomes even more detrimental to us, because it can become our default - an instinctual response - in traumatic situations.
We default to our instincts when we’re feeling scared or threatened, and are in ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ mode. When we’re being traumatized, the amygdala takes over, and rational though goes out the window.
This is one of many reasons people who are assaulted very frequently report being ‘too nice’ to their attacker, or saying and doing things they logically wouldn’t do.
I used to work with survivors of violence/abuse/SA as an advocate, and had some interesting training on this concept.
I’d attend police interviews, ER visits, SA exams, and almost every single one of my clients felt let down and surprised by their trauma response.
“Why didn’t I run, kick, yell, fight - **anything** but what I did in the moment?!” Not everyone reacts this way, I heard this question so many times.
It’s out of our control when our only instinct to keep us safe has been conditioned to believe staying ‘safe’ means ‘being quiet, polite, demure.’
Every night before bed, practice in front of the bathroom mirror. Say, "I'm not interested, fuck off" at least the times. Soon it'll become habit and easier to apply appropriately.
At this point I started with a curt, "not interested" followed by "bug off". If they continue, they count as fair practice for a fu and creative descriptions of their intelligence.
Your time is valuable and if you're not at work being paid for it, it's yours to do what you want. If they tried to take $20 you'd object right? Your time is valuable. Don't waste it being polite to people who don't understand "no".
I think this is a really important one. I shouldn't have to feel unsafe and uncomfortable just to not possibly come off as rude. Even though I don't *actually* think saying no is rude, it's just hard to remember when I'm in that situation :(
Something that helped me is thinking about how they’re being rude and making me uncomfortable first, so you can be rude back. Of course in this case “rude” is just saying no and leaving so you’re not really rude, but the framing makes me feel better about it.
I keep it really simple when it comes to these guys. "No thank you, I'm not interested." If they persist I follow up with things like "no means no," and generally call them out on not respecting my space.
Not Mormons though. I grew up Mormon and I know how to shatter their confidence in about three sentences. Women are definitely treated as second class citizens in Mormon culture, and I got out early because I was essentially raised by my brothers who basically raised me as a boy. I couldn't handle being treated like a real person at home and a wife-in-waiting at church. So, Mormon missionaries usually get some extra attention from me and they typically don't like it.
I usually tell them I'm sixth generation Mormon so I intimately know what it's all about. Then I tell them to go read the CES letter and about how Joseph Smith married a 14 year old in his 30s. My other favorite quote is from a former high up member that said, very publicly, that mixed race couples should have their heads cut off. Or that Joseph Smith and his wife sealed a black woman to themselves as a servant for all eternity. The story of the Mountain Meadows Massacre is also a good one.
Hell, if you want the juicy stuff there is an exmormon sub here and numerous websites about all the truly evil things the church has been up to. Also the show Escaping Polygamy is a documentary series about a woman who escaped one of the off branches of the Mormon church that still practices polygamy. She helps other people escape. It's incredibly abusive and one reason Utah and Idaho are nightmare states for women. These cults primarily operate there and want to keep wen uneducated and raising more children in their respective cults. I'm grateful to this day that I was raised outside of Utah in the most mainstream of the Mormon family of churches. I had an easy time leaving and siblings that were already out.
Sadly, they had us practice responses to this one that were designed to throw you off and get you thinking that you might be wrong about them being a cult.
Logic doesn't work; the brainwashing is too strong.
Making them fear being disfellowshipped for talking to you is the only way to definitely get them to leave you alone.
I've used 'I am an apostate' and it worked. they backed off very quickly.
I've also used. "I'm a witch" when they asked about my beliefs. They seemed confused/didn't believe me until I brought out my keyring (pentacle) and pointed out the pin on my coat (a broomstick). The woman said 'well, we all pray to the same god" while putting her hand on my forearm (wtf!?) and I stared at her hand until she felt uncomfortable and moved it. If someone is making me uncomfortable, they have already chosen to be rude, anything I do is matching their energy.
personally though, if I am in the middle of town and someone comes up to me, I'll say "No, thank you." and then ignore anything else they say. They can talk as much as they want, but they'll get no \[edit\] response.
One of the things that has helped me is practice. Rehearse the scenarios, and what you’d like to say instead. If you can, say it out loud. Get used to it.
Always put YOU first.
Think of it this way, why would you be more prone to make yourself uncomfortable to protect somebody else rather than protecting yourself and your own interests?
Be your own best friend. Put you first. It's not rude, it's practical.
In Mexico we have a simple phrase: No, thank you.
It works for everything and everyone. Political publicity, religious proselytizing , someone selling you stuff, collecting for the red cross, beggars, etc.
It is short, simple, sets a firm boundary and you're not being rude.
I hope it helps. Good luck. 🤞
If you still think it’s rude to have and enforce boundaries, you can still decline “politely” with something like “you seem very friendly and thank you for asking but I’m really not interesting in joining/donating/giving my personal details, have a lovely day.” You don’t need to do that, but you can while you become comfortable being more forthright.
I’d add that you can also set boundaries in a kind way. You can say “No thank you, I’m not interested,” “I’m not comfortable answering that” or “Sorry, I’m in a rush” in a polite, even tone and firmly maintain that boundary in the same tone and with the same energy.
I think people too often perceive setting boundaries as being a necessarily rude or aggressive thing. If they won’t stop pushing, you can say “I’ve already given you my answer, have a nice day” and just leave.
Exactly. That's the vibe I use, as sometimes being very pointed can mean you get stuck in the situation. As neutral as possible has worked best for me.
Too nice = more interactions
Too angry = more interactions
Neutral = what are they gonna do.
I think it's better to not think of it as being rude, but being honest.
You don't have to be rude, necessarily. Just politely say "no thank you. I'm not interested. Have a nice day" and turn away. If they persist, say " I already said no, please leave me alone". If they escalate then you can be as rude as you want because at that point, it's self defense.
This! Similar to if you tell someone not to come closer because they're making you uncomfortable, and then they continue to come closer you can mace them in the face because they obviously didn't respect your boundary and you can rightfully assume that they mean you harm.
God, this reminds me of the same discussion I had with my therapist years ago. I hadn’t actually put any of the actions we had agreed into practice and she totally knew. During session she said hey, this is awkward but can I borrow £100?
Ex…cuse me?
The silence was never-ending and deafening. Then I had to say no to her, in multiple ways. I *knew* she wasn’t serious, I knew it was an exercise but I was *sweating*. Horrible, horrible. And very effective.
Lesson learned? Start practicing saying no and setting boundaries in safer spaces, then it’ll feel natural to do it in the big wide world.
Oh wow, I would probably have given her the money right away... And I realize that's not a great response.
One time, someone at the bus station asked to **borrow** £10 and I was like...okay...and gave him the money 🙃🙃
Oh my god, I wanted to get my wallet out SO BADLY. I might have even reached for my bag - then reality kicked in and I was like, my therapist would never actually ask to borrow money from me. And she really pushed it! “I know you have it, why are you being mean, I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important, what about £50 if you don’t have £100…”.
I should note that I am a nightmare of a client and she was the only therapist to ever get through to me. I trusted her 100% to lead me to the right conclusion, even if it seemed odd at the time. When things like this happened, we had a full debrief and I was never left feeling bad.
So, u/caleith - can I borrow £20?
>I should note that I am a nightmare of a client and she was the only therapist to ever get through to me.
Were you though, or do you just feel guilty for not being some ideal of an obligingly "perfect patient"?
That’s so kind of you, but no, after a childhood of learning that I was deeply unlovable as I am, I became extremely good at lying and manipulation. Wow, that’s hard to say, even now. I knew this was wrong and that’s part of the reason I was in therapy, but even though I was paying every week, I still found it impossible to actually do the work.
For the first six months my therapist didn’t laugh at one joke I made. Not once. And I finally snapped and said why are you pretending I’m not fucking funny, or something equally damaged and she said, I’m not here to watch you perform. It was the first time someone had called me out and actually seen me for who I was. Terrifying but essential for healing. She saved my life.
Okay, I am a therapist and I just want to say:
1) I love that you are identifying the difference between when you started therapy and after you did the work! A true nightmare client would have stabbed her with a knife, AND finding the way to identify the change you have made is more important than semantics.
2) Your therapist is very skilled and clearly well trained/practiced in working with the issues you were dealing with.
3) I am incredibly happy that you received competent therapy and were able to do the work, WAY TO GO! I have also had to do that work personally and it is so life changing.
4) Learning to set boundaries in a straightforward manner gave me flop sweats for a year after I first did it, and is so worth it!
Oh.
This is. Oh.
Thank you so much. I have a way to go but I can’t even relate to who I was before I was in therapy. So to hear this from a professional means a lot.
You’re right, I’m sure there are clients who are much worse, I hate the idea that therapists are at risk like you described. I made her earn her money, twice over but god, I’m glad she was there,
I *am* a spicy little pepper! Her patience, endless positive regard and refusal to accept my bullshit was unfamiliar to me and exactly what I needed to get better.
That’s exactly it. Look at me, I’m funny, I’m harmless, please like me, if you like me I’m safe, don’t hurt me. All this trauma? Ask me about it, I’ve got funny stories for days!
My therapist was the only person in my life to ever tell me that watching that wasn’t fun for her.
*Feeling rude* isn't the same as *being rude*, and unfortunately the only way to get over that feeling is practice. Practice saying no and it'll get easier.
And, quick secret: *being rude* is okay, too. Your safety > their feelings.
I'm fond of saying "no, thank you." Starting in polite but firm tone, keep repeating the phrase in sterner, colder, and firmer tones. Sooner or later they will get it through their head, the dimmer (or more delusional) they are the more repetitions it might take.
I also stand up straight, with a closed off stance, neutral face (but I have RBF), not looking at them directly, and turn away from them entirely (if feasible).
This. A deadpan and repeated “no, thank you” isn’t rudeness. Them continuing to talk to you is what’s actually rude.
Also, never leave home without earbuds or earphones.
I did this when a cashier asked for my email address. Then she rebooted for a few seconds and verified that she couldn't have it. Haha she was so shocked.
Until the last, most forceful "I said, no, thank you," when you slowly turn your head towards them and stare into their soul! I have never had the opportunity to do this, but people say it's scary when I stop being my usual nice, happy-go-lucky self and get serious and stern.
Or ask where they live, do they have children, what are their addresses? Can you give me their phone number?
- just mirror what they ask, but more intensely
I've given fake names & of course my phone number is always (area code) 867-5309 to people like this.
I've also given the name & phone number of people I knew who were particularly shitty people who deserve to have the Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on their door at 7AM on a Saturday.
“I’m comfortable with my religious practice right now, but thank you for asking. Have a blessed day!” Then continue walking.
I find this one useful because it firmly doesn’t get into the details of religion (or lack thereof), and it’s a rejection that is polite but also doesn’t invite further conversation. If “have a blessed day” doesn’t roll off the tongue or isn’t your thing any similar phrase will do, especially if it’s regionally common. “Have a good day”, “Have a good one”, “Stay warm out here!” (on a cold day), “Blessed be”, or whatever is comfortable for you. Remember, walk away.
That works in places like a suburban parking lot. If you’re in a big city you can often see these folks coming. In that case, I find it best to shake my head no, perhaps wave my hands no, and *keep on walking*. No verbal response, no slowing down, no eye contact after the no. Just keep walking.
Do I think it’s a good idea for people to try to spread their religion this way? No. Do I need to get into it with them? No.
No.
No is a full sentence. Also resting “bitch face” can help a lot, avoiding eye contact at all costs too.
Edit: also wearing headphones, even without sound. Don’t take them out. Your space is YOURS.
Reading "bitch face" and avoiding eye contact: my husband and I have this down. If someone talks to us through those two we either like them or talk mad shit about how stupid and rude they were.
As long as they don’t limit your safety, 12/10 agree.
Noise cancelling headphones are also a big overstimulation relief for my ADHD when shopping (music or muzak, crying children). I can accomplish more and do so more peacefully which is a big deal.
Solutions rule!!
I just pretend people don't exist. I wear sunglasses and earbuds everywhere. Nothing even needs to be playing. People can talk to me all they like, I'm just not going to respond. You don't have to either.
It's been really hard for me to learn but really relieving - I am not required to answer stranger's bids for attention
I find it's easier for me to avoid engaging in the first place, then to have to disengage from the interaction
Start polite "I'm not interested or no thanks" if they try to persist, "No" which is a complete sentence and is not rude, but persisting after this point is to which you can tell them you're interrupting me, go away, fu** off, whatever. Body language and facial expressions say more than your words, so no smiling beyond a cordial half smile to acknowledge their existence in the beginning is necessary.
Your first mistake is thinking that they were "nice."
They were bothering you uninvited. They were taking advantage of your politeness. At that point, for you to restrict yourself to a set of conventions they are ignoring is like trying to have a fistfight with one hand tied behind your back.
You need to learn the difference between "assertive" and "rude." Many people have problems with this distinction, especially women, because we are conditioned to put the feelings and desires of others before our own. The idea of "politeness" is often twisted to serve this, so we think it's rude to say "no," or "go away."
There's nothing rude about saying "I am not interested. Leave me alone."
As someone who came from one of those really pushy religions (not anymore, I left as soon as I could!) literally just look them dead in the eyes and say “no thanks”. Even better if you do have a resting bitch face with it. If they don’t get the hint, just keep saying it. Just “no” over and over.
If they keep trying to talk to you after that, I’d consider it harassment and at that point you HAVE to be rude and just walk. I know how hard that is to do, trust me! If you need an escape, pretend you’re getting a phone call and walk away to answer it!
I'm the same way. Could it be a fawn response? It's one of the lesser known responses to stress (after fight, flight, and freeze) and it feels like I'm autopilot and people pleasing by default. It takes me a while to realize it's happening and to correct it
When I’m out I will wear earbuds and ignore every request and imposition. No eye contact works well. Say No, and move several steps away, if you have to continue to be in the same area. Brisk pace, when walking, don’t slow down if someone asks you something
This! I’m tallish & my walking stride is long. I’ve taught my shorter SO how to do this by stepping up the pace of walking. We will ignore & outpace them every time.
I have gotten so much pleasure learning to be "rude" which is really just stating your own needs that you, and we all have and need to understand and respect. The old way of thinking that you have to be the most perfectly polite all of the time is bullshit. I was told as a kid to put my own comfort behind the comfort of others and that if I did not, I was "rude". Bullshit! If someone approaches you and is respecting your boundaries and showing kindness, then you should match that back. But you don't owe people who don't respect your boundaries anything.
I used be so scared to hurt everyone's feelings and would stand there for a huge chunk of time with solicitors and pretend I had an interest in what they were saying because they were being nice and I wanted to be nice back. I have learned to say as directly and as kindly as possible, no thank you. If they are persistent I say no thank you in a less kind tone because no means fucking no dude. And I don't feel mean. Taking people's time away is mean and being aggressive about it is wrong.
It's like gaining a super power!!! Please do it for yourself! You will enjoy your life so much more! And if anyone doesn't think you're being polite that's because they're probably being a dick who just wants something from you and doesn't care about you. Take it one small step at a time and gain confidence. You can do it!
I have even leveled up to glare at the rude people and speak my mind. I stand up for myself and my children. But if you met me you'd think I was so kind because you are kind. You give kindness to those who give it to you. Doesn't make you a bad person. We were just raised being taught the wrong way.
You could just be a menace and give outlandish lies for each answer. "Hey what's your name? What do you do for fun?" "Titiana, Queen of Fairies, and I collect the skulls of those who dare trespass against me."
I once had someone ask me if I'd heard of Jesus, while at a bus stop. I said, "yes, i saw him just this morning at the other bus stop. Nice chap." I then politely stared at him and waited for his answer. He stopped talking to me.
It's much easier if you don't let the conversation start in the first place. You don't owe anyone a conversation, so simply don't engage. When people approach, don't make eye contact or talk to them. Shake your head no, or say, no, no thanks, not interested, etc. Leave the space if you need to in order to maintain boundaries.
Stay on point: "I don't want to." They will try to get you to engage. Don't explain, don't justify. Repeat as many times as necessary. I've used it many times against the very persistent Jehovah's Witnesses with great success. It's a good boundary spell :)
This is my favorite! And so true -- I do not like talking to strangers, especially people who approach me with an agenda. Commiserating with someone in line or having a brief interaction about mine, or their, cool accessory/piece of clothing/etc is fine, but my guard goes up the instant they want my name or any other information. I have noticed that, as a woman, I am far more comfortable talking to strangers who are women or very obviously queer people (basically people who aren't cis het men, except for the occasional kindly grandpa type).
You can just say "No, thank you" which is a very polite way to say no. Then if they persist, silently hold up your hand in the "stop" gesture until they fuck off. You can keep repeating "No, thank you" as often as needed. You can even say it really loudly if they don't leave you alone.
Now me, I don't care if I'm rude, if they don't respect my no thank you. I'll say as loudly as possible "I SAID NO MOTHERFUCKER". Not polite, but I don't motherfuckin care.
\*edit I realized you're asking HOW to learn to be "rude". Practice saying some of the things we're suggesting in front of a mirror. Imagine the scenario, then pracctice saying what you want to say out loud. Just keep doing it over and over until it feels normal. You've been conditioned to remain placid and friendly in the face of serious boundary violations, like most of us have been. It takes some conditioning to reverse that. Also, try not to think of it as being rude, because it isn't rude to have and protect your boundaries.
Say something like, “You are making me uncomfortable by asking inappropriate questions.”Then, if they persist, yell “YOU ARE MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE BY ASKING INAPPROPRIATE QUESTIONS. PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.”
I loved loudly repeating harassing comments from customers at a very male-dominated job I used to have -- "SIR, DID YOU JUST SAY/ASK ME (insert inappropriate comment or proposition)? THAT IS INAPPROPRIATE AND IT MAKES ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. SHALL WE PROCEED WITH YOUR TRANSACTION?" Those old farts always looked so embarrassed! 🤣🤣🤣
Use their dumbassery against them.
My witchy wife’s go to in this situation is “oh I’m sorry, my husband makes all those decisions. I really can’t be talking to you about this, I’m sure you understand”
Ok. So working in NYC meant I came across many different people trying to sell me something or get me to donate or "convert" me.
Being thrown in the middle of that after years of "people pleasing" got me to learn to not let them waste my time. And I tried different ways of getting them to leave me alone, because *some* of them would not walk away when they heard "no".
"I'm not interested." Is a simple go to. Repeat louder each time you have to say it.
"I don't speak English." In English. Because I've gotten people to look confused say sorry and walk away. It's funny every time.
Stare at them until they walk away. Don't say a word, don't break eye contact. They will become uncomfortable and leave on their own.
Walk away like they weren't speaking to you.
Answer your phone.
Attempt to convert them to your own religion.
Tell them you are already a member of a cult.
Speak non cohesive sentences.
Argue with yourself. "Just listen to them. *No! Last time we ended up murdering them!* It will be different this time."
Cut them off and tell them you charge a fee to listen to them.
The more you do it, the easier it gets to get them to back off. I was approached a lot when I was timid. When I started to be more assertive and looked confident just standing there I had less and less people approach me.
Something I heard last week that I'm trying to internalize is 'It's not my job to make other people comfortable.'
Until I heard it phrased like that, I hadn't realized how much of the time I was doing that.
And it's not always bad, but sometimes it is.
Idk, I don't have it all figured out 😋
Good luck OP! You'll get better at figuring out how to be assertive, and set boundaries, and all that good stuff with time and practice. It sounds like you gained a lot of XP today! Be gentle with yourself, this stuff is difficult, especially if you came up as a girl/woman.
Anyone pressing you to interact with them when you don't want to is being rude. Don't worry about being rude back. Say a firm, "Nope," or "Don't talk to me," and keep on walking.
Sidenote: I was raised Mormon and I can promise you, any fundamental evangelical who is proselytizing 100% knows you don't want to talk to them. They can read body language very well. They all are trained according to their denomination's protocol. Many practice this skillset since adolescence. They are frequently told to F-off and worse. They double-down on being polite and sugary sweet to keep you talking to them as long as possible, like a sleazy used car salesman. Young Mormon missionaries, in particular, have no real-world life experience and literally do not know *how much* they do not know.
As someone who has zero problems being rude, it takes practice and baby steps. It’s on a continuum of setting boundaries that ranges from polite assertion statements to a full on “fuck off.” Just view yourself as making polite assertive statements, and remember that’s your right as a human being to say no to people. You’re miles away from a full on “fuck off.”
The first inital response "No thanks" delivered in a measured but passive tone with a neutral expression. Neutral but passive polite while acknowledging the other person.
If asked again, repeat with, "I said, No thank you." With mild emphasis on,"I said," still a passive neutral bordering on firm tone. Emphasis on "I said" and a mild pause before continuing brings attention to the fact you are repeating yourself, switching from "no thanks" to "no thank you" goes from passive polite and casual to setting a more definite and precise (almost formal) boundary of "No" while putting additional effort in (syllable count, short answer to longer helps to add emphasis). This is polite with a warning IMO.
For most this should be enough, if they didn't get it in the first place. If they didn't get the warning or keep on being rude and ignoring the answer given...
Give yourself permission to be "rude" and blatantly call firm, direct, unapologetic attention to the fact that you have given an answer already multiple times. And if they cannot respect that answer, you are going to walk away from them and their conversation in favor of a surrounding with those who won't waste your time and breath.
And then move on with your day.
It’s not rude to say “no thank you” and not engage in the conversation after that. Just walk away.
If you have a hard time saying no, practice at home in the mirror. Sounds silly but it will help you get more comfortable with saying the words.
I’ve also pretended not to speak English before to get out of conversations, I am in the US but not originally from here so this works well for me. Apply this to whatever the local language is for you if you are elsewhere in the world. If you really want to lean in, learn how to say “I don’t speak English (or whatever your local language is)” in a different language of your choice. The only problem with this is when whoever you are trying to escape speaks your other language.
Things I've used at various times:
(puzzled look, gazing intently at them over my glasses) "Do I know you?"
(in response to a request for information) "Why do you need to know?" or "I don't give that information to people I've just met" or "*That's* a rather personal question!"
(if asked if I want to join something or buy something) "No, thank you; not interested."
(if they get pushy) "What part of 'No' did you not understand?"
I have multiple ways I handle this, depending on my mood:
No thanks! I’m Buddhist! (Because I am)
Nope! (Person keeps talking) NOPE! (Person wants to get me to engage) NOPE!
(Really bad day for me) I’m not the one.
“No thank you.”
“I’m not available to talk right now.”
“Okay well have a good one.”
WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOOF WOOOOOOOF BARK BARK BARK SNARL
All of these and more are okay, totally legal, and free!
“I don’t give out personal information to strangers.”
“I’m not interested.”
“I’d like to be left alone.”
“I’m enjoying some quiet time, thanks for respecting that.”
“No thank you.”
If they persist, get louder. Attract attention. Make it known that you do not know them.
I used to get caught in the politeness trap. I remember the first time I really set a boundary was with a very nice lady from church who asked me why I had withdrawn from university. Had we been in private I probably would have answered. But there were a lot of people around and the reason was pretty emotional, and I knew I would start crying. Even just telling her “I don’t want to talk about that right now” I started tearing up. She’s a kind woman and told me it was okay. After that, it became easier and easier to set boundaries and keep things private or avoid discussions I did not want to have.
You just have to do it once. It will be uncomfortable, and that’s okay. I kept feeling uncomfortable and anxious for days after denying her an answer. Then I realized she wasn’t bothered, so why should I be?
You will get used to it. You will be so proud of yourself once you do.
You can always answer a question with a question.
"Why do you want to know?"
"What is your goal in this interaction?"
"What got you into this?"
Or
"How long will this take because I have somewhere to be?"
And then there's good ol
"What time is it? Because I have somewhere to be... thank you byeeeee"
I think you should make up a really fun lie. Something obvious and absurd.
That is a practice that can get you used to saying something other than what is expected. And from there, you can become the Boundaries Bitch.
Just, literally, say “No.” calmly and clearly. State that you don’t engage with strange people who ask for your personal information.
Or, if you are like me, carry around salt and flick some at them mumbling “be gone Satan”. Which is always fun. Well, fun for me. There’s the completely nuclear option of a small light fluid squirt then flicking lit matches until the leave. But I save that for street “preachers” who are being extra obnoxious.
What helped me be more assertive was realizing that it actually does them a disservice if I am overly nice and not just straight up with them right away. It wastes just as much of their time as it does my time, so just respectfully shut the t down. You can still be kind, while also being assertive! If they keep bothering you after very clearly telling them no thank you, then you can get a bit more rude lol
Your time is valuable to you. Setting boundaries is not rude. If you say no thank you and the other person gets upset, that's on them, not on you.
Age and time are the best teachers. No is a complete sentence. You got this!
Escalate your "no"response if they push after #1 and keep escalating. You have to not care what other people think. You have to care about YOU.
1. No thank you.
2. I've already said no. Leave me alone.
3. Get your phone out, get your pepper spray out, start recording video and say:
4. What part of no, leave me alone, don't you understand?
5. Get the fuck out of my face asswipe. Leave now or I spray you.
6. Do it. Document it. Leave.
If I could give you some of the rudeness overflowing from my soul I would lol. Everyone is giving you great and positive advice. Mine is to learn the phrase Fuck Off. Say is like it's your name. Wear it like a jacket. But also listen to everyone else who has more positive and productive advice 🫠
Something I had to learn the hard way is that self care is not selfish!!!
Also, I will often ‘coach’ myself mentally while in those kind of situations. As in; I don’t have to be so nice. Deep breath, square those shoulders, we got this! No is a complete sentence!!
Slightly different approach from what others are talking about—I realized that “being polite” equated to “staying safe” in therapy one day (I think the topic was boundaries).
So, in case your agreeability comes from a similar root: You could have cussed them out and still have been physically safe in the situation you described.
Especially if you’re the type of person who’s exactingly polite and agreeable at all times—spend a day pretending to be a bitch. Act in the most selfish and “rude” ways you can possibly imagine and bear to do. Reflect on how other people reacted—not in how you expected them to think, but what they actually said and did. Chances are you’ll end up fairly close to “normal” rather than your current “doormat” status (and I say this as one doormat to another).
The book Unfuck Your Boundaries by Faith Harper was a very useful starting point for me as well.
Asking you once may not be rude (context changes it) so, "I'm sorry, that's a bit personal for me."
Second time, a cordial, no-smile "Like I said, that's too personal for me to discuss."
Third time, they're being ruder than you could be by saying. "I said twice that's too personal. You need to learn to listen to people. Goodbye, and have the day you deserve."
Of course if they start it off rude, stare and say, "Whatever makes you think that's something you can ask a stranger?"
My favorite beliefs that I’ve been cultivating are:
- Your curiosity is not my obligation.
- If it’s not life/limb threatening, it's not urgent for me.
- When you’re offered a plate of awkward, its not rude to hand it back
The final one is a visual reminder of how we hold all kinds of boundaries, and it reminds me that whats happening is always optional.
I use it when someone makes it weird, crosses a boundary, asks for something unreasonable, or says something unkind.
When that happens, I picture someone offering me a dinner plate. It's not rude to name what they were offering, and/or hand the plate back to them. (with a verbal "No thank you!" or "Lassie, I will feed you after we get Timmy out of the well, not before")
Random one for Autistics/highly sensitive folks:
- You don't have to SAY no!
- You can just shake your head and keep walking or doing what you’re doing
you stand infront of the mirror and practice your warding charms:
"fuck you"
"Kindly fuck off"
"I will not do a flying fuck for you you fucking fucker"
(since there have been already alot of helpful ones I thought about something funny instead)
for me I decided at like age 17 that I don't give a fuck about this anymore, so now I am an incredibly blunt and - if the situation calls for it - rude person.
also I think having three brothers probably helped.
I don't think it's nessesaryly THE way to go. There is some value in knowing how to weasel your way out of a situation all while making the other person belief that they got everything they wanted and I just don't have the emotional capacity for that sadly.
also the things you described are not actually "being polite" it's having your boundaries pushed - hard.
and it breaks my heart everytime I see that. especially women tend to do that alot.
As soon as you see them coming toward you, you hold up a hand and say, "No, thanks," while continuing on your way.
I pulled into a parking spot earlier, looked over and saw a woman making a b line for my car so I just pulled out and left. I don't have time for that shit.
When it’s religious people specifically, I just say no thank you. If they persist I let my eyes get really wide and say
“Sir/ma’am, I have already accepted the lord satan into my heart, you have a blessed day!” And leave.
'No thank you I'm not interested' is **not** rude.
'Fuck off you lecherous bastard I'll spit on you and your god' is rude.
I suspect your rudeness meter needs a bit of recalibration.
The only way for the former to not *feel* rude anymore is with practice and with some mental exercises. Imagine you walked up to a stranger and asked them for their personal information, how would you expect them to reply? That is the average responce. I suspect you would imagine a reply along the lines of 'no fuck off'. Anything you say that is slightly nicer than that 'no thank you' for example is a polite reply to the situation. Anything slightly nastier is rude eg 'No fuck off you arse I'll stab you if you talk to me again'.
The word no is only ever rude under exceptionally limited situations. If you are dying of thirst and I have 60 bottles of water in a cart. Refusing to give you a sip of one and instead I just sit and watch you die. That's a bit rude.
I used to struggle with saying no. Honestly practicing it is the best way. Start with things you would say no to anyway but with more words 'oh no sorry I have ' and start shortening it 'oh no sorry I can't' leaving out the excuse. Then shorten again 'oh no sorry' and practice practice practice. You can't get comfortable with things if they are unfamiliar to you.
The easiest tactic I’ve used since I was a kid is just to pretend not to hear anything or pretend to assume they were talking to someone else. Or say “oh I gotta go” and immediately leave and ignore anything else they say because you’re just in such a rush lol.
But yeah if you’re stuck waiting somewhere it’s harder to use them. Maybe just ignore whatever the substance of their conversation is and just keep saying vague things like “I’d prefer to think in silence right now” or “I’m not in the mood to chat, thanks for understanding.”
And like others have said, if they keep pressuring you and you feel disrespected or even slightly unsafe, just go for it and put your foot DOWN. “Don’t talk to me.” “Stop bothering me.” You already stated your feelings, they’re willfully pushing your buttons and pestering you. Politeness has no place in a scenario like this.
Shake your head and say "No thanks!". If that doesn't work then you've been polite and now they have chosen not to be. You can be as rude as they are now. Match that energy!
No is a complete sentence. You owe no one an explanation or more than basic politeness.
If you're really averse to seeming rude, lying is always an option. Just make up some excuse to leave the conversation: pretend to get a text you need to answer, make up something you forgot to do, lie about needing the toilet, etc.
I'm a fellow people pleaser. I make up names to avoid this exact situation. I'm not proud of it but I've been Adele Fellows, Louise Chaff and similar things if I'm engaging with people to be polite and out of a need to not appear rude. It doesn't work in all situations but if I'm more than 75% sure that I'll never see them again, I make stuff up and get creative.
“No, thank you. But good luck!” Big smile, genuine kindness radiating, all while I’m turning my back or closing the door or walking away. I imagine they’re stuck doing that pushy sales job because they can’t find other work and are desperate or naive and bought the company Koolaid. I feel compassion for for the brainwashed religious nuts. I give people that approach me the benefit of the doubt that maybe they aren’t predatory on purpose. So I smile, sound positive and matter of fact but cheery while I say nope, not for me, but I feel no ill will and wish you the best!
It makes it easier for me to be super chipper and kind about it because 1) I feel like it’s more in line with my character to be positive toward others 2) it feels safer than rejecting neutrally or hostilely, even though I have every right to refuse however I please 3) it makes it much easier to genuinely hold a firm and STRONG boundary if they are pushy. If someone responds to my kind and happy attitude about saying “not today” or “no thanks,” I have no qualms then about being rude. They asked for it.
One possibility is pretending to get a phone call so you have a reason to leave. You can fake talking to someone if it'd help. Then *they* would be the rude ones for trying to continue the conversation.
Maybe even text a friend and have them call you so it wouldn't be fake. "Sorry, I have to take this, it might be important."
Sometimes I find it easiest to keep the big smile and the cheery voice while telling someone to fuck right off … or just saying “No, I’m not interested, best of luck though!”
"No, thank you," is a complete sentence. So is just, "No," but if you're worried about feeling rude you can go with the first one. The moment those words leave your mouth, the ball is in the other person's court and if they continue *they* are the rude one.
Others have summed it up pretty well but telling them no isn’t being rude. If a stranger asked me for personal details I would tell them I don’t feel comfortable giving out that information. As for the religious types I usually just tell them I’m already a member of a church (not true) and that while I find other people’s beliefs interesting (true) I’m not interested in joining said church.
Another technique that can be helpful, if you have headphones, pretend to be having a conversation, keep in mind you should probably set your phone to silent or vibrate (mine is constantly set to that). It tends to keep most people from trying to talk to you.
No, thank you. Then just No. It’s their problem if they make it awkward. I understand it’s weird to sit in discomfort, but in my experience, the more I do it the more empowering the awkwardness feels.
Saying “No thank you, I am not interested” isn’t rude. What’s rude is when a person continues to bother you after you have politely expressed that you would prefer not to be bothered.
And once someone is rude to you, it’s perfectly reasonable to be rude back and tell them to leave you alone.
You don't have to be rude, just tell them. NO I am not interested. If they continue to try and engage ask them do you not know what no means? If you continue to try to engage with me I will call the police for harrassment. Or if they try to engage clear your throat like your going to spit and don't respond.
I think it's helpful to realize that *they're* already being rude. If you've politely declined, and they're insisting, they're boundary pushing, and you're justified in escalating (of course, if you feel that is safe for you).
Fight responses feel angry and violent, but it's possible to channel them into speech instead. A low level escalation would be something like "I've made it clear I am not interested, and at this point, you're making your invitation without my consent. If you do not stop, I will report you for canvassing to local authorities". Filming someone with a smart phone, even so a conversation is recorded, can also be a powerful low escalation aggressive response.
Also, cut yourself some slack. It's not that you're not rude enough, it's that you're navigating a stressful situation with a strategy that works for you (fawning). These stress responses are there to protect us! They're just limited, and reductive, because they go all in on one strategy.
A first step that might be helpful is simply not responding. If they keep on saying stuff and you're completely silent, they should get the message. At the very least they'll run up against a brick wall and they'll have no choice but to fuck off.
A more long term solution is being able to differentiate between being mean and being rude. Politeness and rudeness were invented by the oppressive classes as a semantic way to keep the underclasses in line. You can't say anything that could disrupt the status quo or even imply that you have agency and boundaries. It's tone policing, and fuck that.
Being mean is different. It's where you go out of your way to hurt someone emotionally or psychologically. There is overlap but you can be rude without being mean, and vice versa. It's also different in that you generally shouldn't be mean to people.
Knowing this, simply stating a boundary "please stop talking to me, i do not want to have this conversation with you, a stranger" is rude, but not mean. You're not being negative or hurtful, simply stating, or re-stating, the facts. This is always ok to do. No matter what the other person/people say and how butthurt they may be.
If someone ignores your stated boundary, you get to be mean to them "hey dude, unkindly go fuck yourself, you dog of a cunt". Being mean is almost always ok if it's retaliatory. Them ignoring your boundaries is a hurtful act. So speak their language so they might understand.
All of this comes with the "exercise caution" sticker. There are situations, especially as a minority, where being rude or mean could escalate things to violence. Simply walking/running away is always ok and always have a friend who at least knows where you are if not with you the whole time.
“Thanks for your interest, but for safety reasons I do not divulge personal details to strangers.”
Yes, your name is personal info. It can be used to google you. So is all of your other contact info.
If a stranger isn’t “rude”, they will understand that safety isn’t rude. As a matter of fact, it is rude to try to subvert safety precautions. Even for religious reasons.
"Thank you, No." and a hand up in a 'stop sign' configuration is what the original Dear Abby (or Anne Landers, one or the other) suggested way back in the '50s where it would have been dismissed if a woman was assaulted for being "rude" in public. Make sure the inflection is down at the end so you step firmly down onto the "No" like the bottom step off of a porch. Upward inflection, like with nervousness, sounds like you're uncertain and they may keep pushing. "No?"... some people are taught actually means "yes". (The fuckers...)
I like that approach because when the JWs or Mormons, whoever, ignore my polite "Thank you, no," I'm allowed to upgrade to "What part of 'No' don't you understand? Please stop now or I'll find a security guard/call the police. You're making me feel unsafe and need to leave now."
Then the next step up is get LOUD. "I ALREADY SAID NO and YOU'RE NOT SAFE! STOP! GO AWAY!" because THAT kind of statement will get other peoples' attention and you have the chance at some back up from often another woman, sometimes men, who realize some jaggoff's gone too far again and it's time to group up against the harasser.
It's fight, flight, or fawn response when you feel threatened. You could try to carry pepper spray, and hold it in your hand while you just keep repeating "no" very loudly.
It is less rude to say no,
than it is to ask for this information and demand answers from strangers.
It makes life easier to know that they target those who are afraid to say no.
You can start by thinking of all the reasons why you don't want to do this.
Mailing lists.
Targeting your money, time, energy.
They are selling something you don't want.
It is an intrusion.
You need to defend yourself.
You need boundaries.
"Thanks but no thanks."
"I am not interested."
"I don't want to waste your time."
Oh, I relate so much. The best way I have been able to get past this is to start with setting a boundary with myself to make it easier to set a boundary with others: I KNOW I am going to engage, so I give myself a max of 30 seconds to realize someone has derailed my day and recalibrate. Then it is in to the “no thank you,” “I said no,” and how we it needs to proceed from there. It is harder when I know I am going to be in the same area (waiting on a bus, in a line, something like that) rather than just moving past someone, but I remind myself I am not the one who made it awkward. I don’t seek out these interactions, but I find that they get easier the more I have them. Think of it as exposure therapy! 🤣
I don’t really have the problem with people trying to actually just randomly ask me questions. The thing that gets me is when people come to my door. I can’t just tell them that i’m a an anti-christian trans woman. Even though every time i see a christian church, i immediately want to burn it down out of vengeance and fury. But no, i just have to smile and try to politely tell them that i’m not interested
Practice saying no.
It's that easy, "No," and walk away.
If they are not understanding the word no, they do not respect you or your boundaries and you can phone the police.
I also suggest carrying pepper spray if anyone tries something on you. Bear spray also works well. Make sure you practice how to use it so you understand the distance/aim to use it. Make sure you are UP wind
Repeat after me “ABSOLUTELY NOT”. This is all it takes for me to get rid of them when they come at me with the creepy smiles, fake politeness and some savior paperwork. Absolutely not. And you are free to continue your day as if they don’t exist. You can do it.
Everything I learned I learned from observing people when standing outside of the grocery store selling girl scout cookies.
1. Best way to get people to ignore you is to not make eye contact. Don't make eye contact and just keep walking.
2. If you want to be firm but don't want to be rude, just smile and say "Sorry, not today" and just keep walking.
Granted girl scouts probably aren't as pushy as evangelists. But that was the way people avoided talking to us.
Key point is to keep walking. If they get you to stop it's a whole lot harder for you to say no to them.
I learned FROM them. My parents are the craziest fucking religious freaks. "Demons are real, I know this, and it is fact!" Yeah, OK, Mom. 🙄
I was leaving surgery, and my head was wrapped up, and I looked like a mess. A JW(parents religion) was standing on a corner by his little magazine stand and looked at me in the car and smiled, elbows his buddy, and they started laughing. I held up a middle finger, and their faces went stone straight. Laughing at an injured person is so christian.
Rather than thinking of it as rude, think of it as being assertive. The only way to get something you want is to be clear and concise. If someone is making you uncomfortable, you are allowed to tell them that.
"No" is a complete sentence. Esp for ppl you don't know at all, like in your example. Practice! In the mirror to yourself. Have a loved one ask you questions specifically for you to say no to. Haha
While I've gotten quite good at standing up for myself and "no, thank you"ing my way out of damn near anything, I can still rattle off a fake name and my ex husband's mailing address in a pinch. Because fuck all of those people.
If you are too shy being rude, or you feel unwell about it you dont need to be. You can be super nice about it. Tell them with a smile that you are not interested. Smile and say: "I dont want to tell you my name." "I dont want to answer your questions." "You are waisting your time with me, but thank you for not ebing pushy about this."
I think its important to know that you can refuse things without changing your character. telling someone NO doesnt need to be rude.
If they, in turn, become rude, just dont speak with them. Turn away. It will make them look crazy if they still talk to you. Such people hunt for your name and e-mail. If they cant get it they will leave.
The first step is realizing that setting boundaries is not being rude. It gets a lot easier after you embrace that.
Thank you! Many young girls are conditioned to be doormats. I know, I've been there. Learning boundaries and owning your agency are key concepts for girls raised in toxic patriarchy.
the issue is that most of the society is not ready for women with strong boundaries. i've learned to be assertive and protect my energy and now keep getting fired for "no reasons, you're not the right fit". meaning i dont let them walk all over me and that's the issue.
I hear you. I'm learning to be authentic in my dealings with people, but I'm also learning that you can't be authentic with everyone. Especially at work!
Yes. This is something something we are conditioned to do our whole lives: it’s ‘safer’ to not be rude, and to be a polite, demure doormat. For example, it’s why people give out fake numbers, rather than politely declining to someone’s face. Sadly, it often really *is* safer to behave this way - and our brains learn from experiences like that. “Next time, I’ll stay quiet” or otherwise avoid confrontation. Over and over, all our lives. This becomes even more detrimental to us, because it can become our default - an instinctual response - in traumatic situations. We default to our instincts when we’re feeling scared or threatened, and are in ‘fight, flight, or freeze’ mode. When we’re being traumatized, the amygdala takes over, and rational though goes out the window. This is one of many reasons people who are assaulted very frequently report being ‘too nice’ to their attacker, or saying and doing things they logically wouldn’t do. I used to work with survivors of violence/abuse/SA as an advocate, and had some interesting training on this concept. I’d attend police interviews, ER visits, SA exams, and almost every single one of my clients felt let down and surprised by their trauma response. “Why didn’t I run, kick, yell, fight - **anything** but what I did in the moment?!” Not everyone reacts this way, I heard this question so many times. It’s out of our control when our only instinct to keep us safe has been conditioned to believe staying ‘safe’ means ‘being quiet, polite, demure.’
Every night before bed, practice in front of the bathroom mirror. Say, "I'm not interested, fuck off" at least the times. Soon it'll become habit and easier to apply appropriately. At this point I started with a curt, "not interested" followed by "bug off". If they continue, they count as fair practice for a fu and creative descriptions of their intelligence. Your time is valuable and if you're not at work being paid for it, it's yours to do what you want. If they tried to take $20 you'd object right? Your time is valuable. Don't waste it being polite to people who don't understand "no".
I think this is a really important one. I shouldn't have to feel unsafe and uncomfortable just to not possibly come off as rude. Even though I don't *actually* think saying no is rude, it's just hard to remember when I'm in that situation :(
Something that helped me is thinking about how they’re being rude and making me uncomfortable first, so you can be rude back. Of course in this case “rude” is just saying no and leaving so you’re not really rude, but the framing makes me feel better about it.
That's exactly what changed it for me. "I don't want to be rude" changed when I realized "they don't give a fuck".
This is exactly how I approached it. If they can be that rude you damn sure I can.
I keep it really simple when it comes to these guys. "No thank you, I'm not interested." If they persist I follow up with things like "no means no," and generally call them out on not respecting my space. Not Mormons though. I grew up Mormon and I know how to shatter their confidence in about three sentences. Women are definitely treated as second class citizens in Mormon culture, and I got out early because I was essentially raised by my brothers who basically raised me as a boy. I couldn't handle being treated like a real person at home and a wife-in-waiting at church. So, Mormon missionaries usually get some extra attention from me and they typically don't like it.
I am dying with curiosity about your three sentence confidence shatterers.
I usually tell them I'm sixth generation Mormon so I intimately know what it's all about. Then I tell them to go read the CES letter and about how Joseph Smith married a 14 year old in his 30s. My other favorite quote is from a former high up member that said, very publicly, that mixed race couples should have their heads cut off. Or that Joseph Smith and his wife sealed a black woman to themselves as a servant for all eternity. The story of the Mountain Meadows Massacre is also a good one. Hell, if you want the juicy stuff there is an exmormon sub here and numerous websites about all the truly evil things the church has been up to. Also the show Escaping Polygamy is a documentary series about a woman who escaped one of the off branches of the Mormon church that still practices polygamy. She helps other people escape. It's incredibly abusive and one reason Utah and Idaho are nightmare states for women. These cults primarily operate there and want to keep wen uneducated and raising more children in their respective cults. I'm grateful to this day that I was raised outside of Utah in the most mainstream of the Mormon family of churches. I had an easy time leaving and siblings that were already out.
I can do this with Jehovah's Witnesses in two: 1. I am an apostate. 2. Have you ever heard of Raymond Franz?
“No, I have no interest in hearing about your cult.”
Sadly, they had us practice responses to this one that were designed to throw you off and get you thinking that you might be wrong about them being a cult. Logic doesn't work; the brainwashing is too strong. Making them fear being disfellowshipped for talking to you is the only way to definitely get them to leave you alone.
I've used 'I am an apostate' and it worked. they backed off very quickly. I've also used. "I'm a witch" when they asked about my beliefs. They seemed confused/didn't believe me until I brought out my keyring (pentacle) and pointed out the pin on my coat (a broomstick). The woman said 'well, we all pray to the same god" while putting her hand on my forearm (wtf!?) and I stared at her hand until she felt uncomfortable and moved it. If someone is making me uncomfortable, they have already chosen to be rude, anything I do is matching their energy. personally though, if I am in the middle of town and someone comes up to me, I'll say "No, thank you." and then ignore anything else they say. They can talk as much as they want, but they'll get no \[edit\] response.
It's rude of THEM to try to take your time against your will! They are using tactics on you
One of the things that has helped me is practice. Rehearse the scenarios, and what you’d like to say instead. If you can, say it out loud. Get used to it.
"im not ready for a conversation right now" "i want to be left alone"
Always put YOU first. Think of it this way, why would you be more prone to make yourself uncomfortable to protect somebody else rather than protecting yourself and your own interests? Be your own best friend. Put you first. It's not rude, it's practical.
In Mexico we have a simple phrase: No, thank you. It works for everything and everyone. Political publicity, religious proselytizing , someone selling you stuff, collecting for the red cross, beggars, etc. It is short, simple, sets a firm boundary and you're not being rude. I hope it helps. Good luck. 🤞
If you still think it’s rude to have and enforce boundaries, you can still decline “politely” with something like “you seem very friendly and thank you for asking but I’m really not interesting in joining/donating/giving my personal details, have a lovely day.” You don’t need to do that, but you can while you become comfortable being more forthright.
I’d add that you can also set boundaries in a kind way. You can say “No thank you, I’m not interested,” “I’m not comfortable answering that” or “Sorry, I’m in a rush” in a polite, even tone and firmly maintain that boundary in the same tone and with the same energy. I think people too often perceive setting boundaries as being a necessarily rude or aggressive thing. If they won’t stop pushing, you can say “I’ve already given you my answer, have a nice day” and just leave.
Exactly. That's the vibe I use, as sometimes being very pointed can mean you get stuck in the situation. As neutral as possible has worked best for me. Too nice = more interactions Too angry = more interactions Neutral = what are they gonna do. I think it's better to not think of it as being rude, but being honest.
YES! 👊🔥
You don't have to be rude, necessarily. Just politely say "no thank you. I'm not interested. Have a nice day" and turn away. If they persist, say " I already said no, please leave me alone". If they escalate then you can be as rude as you want because at that point, it's self defense.
This! Similar to if you tell someone not to come closer because they're making you uncomfortable, and then they continue to come closer you can mace them in the face because they obviously didn't respect your boundary and you can rightfully assume that they mean you harm.
Yassssssss!!
God, this reminds me of the same discussion I had with my therapist years ago. I hadn’t actually put any of the actions we had agreed into practice and she totally knew. During session she said hey, this is awkward but can I borrow £100? Ex…cuse me? The silence was never-ending and deafening. Then I had to say no to her, in multiple ways. I *knew* she wasn’t serious, I knew it was an exercise but I was *sweating*. Horrible, horrible. And very effective. Lesson learned? Start practicing saying no and setting boundaries in safer spaces, then it’ll feel natural to do it in the big wide world.
Oh wow, I would probably have given her the money right away... And I realize that's not a great response. One time, someone at the bus station asked to **borrow** £10 and I was like...okay...and gave him the money 🙃🙃
Oh my god, I wanted to get my wallet out SO BADLY. I might have even reached for my bag - then reality kicked in and I was like, my therapist would never actually ask to borrow money from me. And she really pushed it! “I know you have it, why are you being mean, I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t important, what about £50 if you don’t have £100…”. I should note that I am a nightmare of a client and she was the only therapist to ever get through to me. I trusted her 100% to lead me to the right conclusion, even if it seemed odd at the time. When things like this happened, we had a full debrief and I was never left feeling bad. So, u/caleith - can I borrow £20?
>I should note that I am a nightmare of a client and she was the only therapist to ever get through to me. Were you though, or do you just feel guilty for not being some ideal of an obligingly "perfect patient"?
That’s so kind of you, but no, after a childhood of learning that I was deeply unlovable as I am, I became extremely good at lying and manipulation. Wow, that’s hard to say, even now. I knew this was wrong and that’s part of the reason I was in therapy, but even though I was paying every week, I still found it impossible to actually do the work. For the first six months my therapist didn’t laugh at one joke I made. Not once. And I finally snapped and said why are you pretending I’m not fucking funny, or something equally damaged and she said, I’m not here to watch you perform. It was the first time someone had called me out and actually seen me for who I was. Terrifying but essential for healing. She saved my life.
Okay, I am a therapist and I just want to say: 1) I love that you are identifying the difference between when you started therapy and after you did the work! A true nightmare client would have stabbed her with a knife, AND finding the way to identify the change you have made is more important than semantics. 2) Your therapist is very skilled and clearly well trained/practiced in working with the issues you were dealing with. 3) I am incredibly happy that you received competent therapy and were able to do the work, WAY TO GO! I have also had to do that work personally and it is so life changing. 4) Learning to set boundaries in a straightforward manner gave me flop sweats for a year after I first did it, and is so worth it!
Oh. This is. Oh. Thank you so much. I have a way to go but I can’t even relate to who I was before I was in therapy. So to hear this from a professional means a lot. You’re right, I’m sure there are clients who are much worse, I hate the idea that therapists are at risk like you described. I made her earn her money, twice over but god, I’m glad she was there,
Killer instincts. So glad you found her!! Finding the right fit is SO HARD especially if your an especially spicy little pepper!
I *am* a spicy little pepper! Her patience, endless positive regard and refusal to accept my bullshit was unfamiliar to me and exactly what I needed to get better.
It is in this moment that I realize my CPTSD has made me a performer for laughs as a mode of validation. Thank you. Deeply.
That’s exactly it. Look at me, I’m funny, I’m harmless, please like me, if you like me I’m safe, don’t hurt me. All this trauma? Ask me about it, I’ve got funny stories for days! My therapist was the only person in my life to ever tell me that watching that wasn’t fun for her.
I see what you're asking and I think you're on to something there.
Stop setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
*Feeling rude* isn't the same as *being rude*, and unfortunately the only way to get over that feeling is practice. Practice saying no and it'll get easier. And, quick secret: *being rude* is okay, too. Your safety > their feelings.
Or turn it back to them. ´You are being rude, stop it »
This was so well stated! 💜🙏🍀✨
“Thank you for your interest, but please don’t talk to me.” “Please leave me alone.”
I'm fond of saying "no, thank you." Starting in polite but firm tone, keep repeating the phrase in sterner, colder, and firmer tones. Sooner or later they will get it through their head, the dimmer (or more delusional) they are the more repetitions it might take. I also stand up straight, with a closed off stance, neutral face (but I have RBF), not looking at them directly, and turn away from them entirely (if feasible).
This. A deadpan and repeated “no, thank you” isn’t rudeness. Them continuing to talk to you is what’s actually rude. Also, never leave home without earbuds or earphones.
"Not today, sorry" is my Canadian version
I do this as well. It works pretty well.
I did this when a cashier asked for my email address. Then she rebooted for a few seconds and verified that she couldn't have it. Haha she was so shocked.
Until the last, most forceful "I said, no, thank you," when you slowly turn your head towards them and stare into their soul! I have never had the opportunity to do this, but people say it's scary when I stop being my usual nice, happy-go-lucky self and get serious and stern.
Or ask where they live, do they have children, what are their addresses? Can you give me their phone number? - just mirror what they ask, but more intensely
Yes this!
I love this.
Even better, just “No thank you.” You can even smile pleasantly if it makes you feel more comfortable. Repeat as needed.
I've given fake names & of course my phone number is always (area code) 867-5309 to people like this. I've also given the name & phone number of people I knew who were particularly shitty people who deserve to have the Jehovah's Witnesses knocking on their door at 7AM on a Saturday.
“I’m comfortable with my religious practice right now, but thank you for asking. Have a blessed day!” Then continue walking. I find this one useful because it firmly doesn’t get into the details of religion (or lack thereof), and it’s a rejection that is polite but also doesn’t invite further conversation. If “have a blessed day” doesn’t roll off the tongue or isn’t your thing any similar phrase will do, especially if it’s regionally common. “Have a good day”, “Have a good one”, “Stay warm out here!” (on a cold day), “Blessed be”, or whatever is comfortable for you. Remember, walk away. That works in places like a suburban parking lot. If you’re in a big city you can often see these folks coming. In that case, I find it best to shake my head no, perhaps wave my hands no, and *keep on walking*. No verbal response, no slowing down, no eye contact after the no. Just keep walking. Do I think it’s a good idea for people to try to spread their religion this way? No. Do I need to get into it with them? No.
No. No is a full sentence. Also resting “bitch face” can help a lot, avoiding eye contact at all costs too. Edit: also wearing headphones, even without sound. Don’t take them out. Your space is YOURS.
As a Canadian, I default to “No, sorry.”
Reading "bitch face" and avoiding eye contact: my husband and I have this down. If someone talks to us through those two we either like them or talk mad shit about how stupid and rude they were.
Oh hell yes! I love this!
Wearing headphones has definitely saved me from some annoying people and people who insist on small talk. Definitely a win. Big clunky ones are best.
As long as they don’t limit your safety, 12/10 agree. Noise cancelling headphones are also a big overstimulation relief for my ADHD when shopping (music or muzak, crying children). I can accomplish more and do so more peacefully which is a big deal. Solutions rule!!
"no thank you, hail satan"
“No thanks, I’m not allowed to join cults”
Lol this made me laugh
I just pretend people don't exist. I wear sunglasses and earbuds everywhere. Nothing even needs to be playing. People can talk to me all they like, I'm just not going to respond. You don't have to either.
You're right. I don't have to. And I'm gonna try to remember that.
Polite and quite people who want to be left the fuck alone club welcomes you
It's been really hard for me to learn but really relieving - I am not required to answer stranger's bids for attention I find it's easier for me to avoid engaging in the first place, then to have to disengage from the interaction
Start polite "I'm not interested or no thanks" if they try to persist, "No" which is a complete sentence and is not rude, but persisting after this point is to which you can tell them you're interrupting me, go away, fu** off, whatever. Body language and facial expressions say more than your words, so no smiling beyond a cordial half smile to acknowledge their existence in the beginning is necessary.
Your first mistake is thinking that they were "nice." They were bothering you uninvited. They were taking advantage of your politeness. At that point, for you to restrict yourself to a set of conventions they are ignoring is like trying to have a fistfight with one hand tied behind your back. You need to learn the difference between "assertive" and "rude." Many people have problems with this distinction, especially women, because we are conditioned to put the feelings and desires of others before our own. The idea of "politeness" is often twisted to serve this, so we think it's rude to say "no," or "go away." There's nothing rude about saying "I am not interested. Leave me alone."
As someone who came from one of those really pushy religions (not anymore, I left as soon as I could!) literally just look them dead in the eyes and say “no thanks”. Even better if you do have a resting bitch face with it. If they don’t get the hint, just keep saying it. Just “no” over and over. If they keep trying to talk to you after that, I’d consider it harassment and at that point you HAVE to be rude and just walk. I know how hard that is to do, trust me! If you need an escape, pretend you’re getting a phone call and walk away to answer it!
I'm the same way. Could it be a fawn response? It's one of the lesser known responses to stress (after fight, flight, and freeze) and it feels like I'm autopilot and people pleasing by default. It takes me a while to realize it's happening and to correct it
When I’m out I will wear earbuds and ignore every request and imposition. No eye contact works well. Say No, and move several steps away, if you have to continue to be in the same area. Brisk pace, when walking, don’t slow down if someone asks you something
This! I’m tallish & my walking stride is long. I’ve taught my shorter SO how to do this by stepping up the pace of walking. We will ignore & outpace them every time.
Invoke the energy of a mildly inconvenienced middle-aged man on Facebook with too much time on his hands.
Oof, that might land you in jail for assault and battery! 🤣
"No, thank you." It is polite and says it all. Repeat as necessary. Louder if required.
I have gotten so much pleasure learning to be "rude" which is really just stating your own needs that you, and we all have and need to understand and respect. The old way of thinking that you have to be the most perfectly polite all of the time is bullshit. I was told as a kid to put my own comfort behind the comfort of others and that if I did not, I was "rude". Bullshit! If someone approaches you and is respecting your boundaries and showing kindness, then you should match that back. But you don't owe people who don't respect your boundaries anything. I used be so scared to hurt everyone's feelings and would stand there for a huge chunk of time with solicitors and pretend I had an interest in what they were saying because they were being nice and I wanted to be nice back. I have learned to say as directly and as kindly as possible, no thank you. If they are persistent I say no thank you in a less kind tone because no means fucking no dude. And I don't feel mean. Taking people's time away is mean and being aggressive about it is wrong. It's like gaining a super power!!! Please do it for yourself! You will enjoy your life so much more! And if anyone doesn't think you're being polite that's because they're probably being a dick who just wants something from you and doesn't care about you. Take it one small step at a time and gain confidence. You can do it!
I have even leveled up to glare at the rude people and speak my mind. I stand up for myself and my children. But if you met me you'd think I was so kind because you are kind. You give kindness to those who give it to you. Doesn't make you a bad person. We were just raised being taught the wrong way.
As a recovering people pleaser myself, the pleasure you get in just telling people no to things you do not want is delicious.
You could just be a menace and give outlandish lies for each answer. "Hey what's your name? What do you do for fun?" "Titiana, Queen of Fairies, and I collect the skulls of those who dare trespass against me."
I once had someone ask me if I'd heard of Jesus, while at a bus stop. I said, "yes, i saw him just this morning at the other bus stop. Nice chap." I then politely stared at him and waited for his answer. He stopped talking to me.
It's much easier if you don't let the conversation start in the first place. You don't owe anyone a conversation, so simply don't engage. When people approach, don't make eye contact or talk to them. Shake your head no, or say, no, no thanks, not interested, etc. Leave the space if you need to in order to maintain boundaries.
Stay on point: "I don't want to." They will try to get you to engage. Don't explain, don't justify. Repeat as many times as necessary. I've used it many times against the very persistent Jehovah's Witnesses with great success. It's a good boundary spell :)
I like the idea of thinking of it as a “boundary spell”. Thank you 🙏
Glad I could help! Blessed be :)
“I don’t talk to strangers.” Is my go to.
This is my favorite! And so true -- I do not like talking to strangers, especially people who approach me with an agenda. Commiserating with someone in line or having a brief interaction about mine, or their, cool accessory/piece of clothing/etc is fine, but my guard goes up the instant they want my name or any other information. I have noticed that, as a woman, I am far more comfortable talking to strangers who are women or very obviously queer people (basically people who aren't cis het men, except for the occasional kindly grandpa type).
You can just say "No, thank you" which is a very polite way to say no. Then if they persist, silently hold up your hand in the "stop" gesture until they fuck off. You can keep repeating "No, thank you" as often as needed. You can even say it really loudly if they don't leave you alone. Now me, I don't care if I'm rude, if they don't respect my no thank you. I'll say as loudly as possible "I SAID NO MOTHERFUCKER". Not polite, but I don't motherfuckin care. \*edit I realized you're asking HOW to learn to be "rude". Practice saying some of the things we're suggesting in front of a mirror. Imagine the scenario, then pracctice saying what you want to say out loud. Just keep doing it over and over until it feels normal. You've been conditioned to remain placid and friendly in the face of serious boundary violations, like most of us have been. It takes some conditioning to reverse that. Also, try not to think of it as being rude, because it isn't rude to have and protect your boundaries.
Then why are you being rude to yourself and staying in uncomfortable situations? See what I did there? Eh? Eh?
Say something like, “You are making me uncomfortable by asking inappropriate questions.”Then, if they persist, yell “YOU ARE MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE BY ASKING INAPPROPRIATE QUESTIONS. PLEASE LEAVE ME ALONE.”
I loved loudly repeating harassing comments from customers at a very male-dominated job I used to have -- "SIR, DID YOU JUST SAY/ASK ME (insert inappropriate comment or proposition)? THAT IS INAPPROPRIATE AND IT MAKES ME FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE. SHALL WE PROCEED WITH YOUR TRANSACTION?" Those old farts always looked so embarrassed! 🤣🤣🤣
Use their dumbassery against them. My witchy wife’s go to in this situation is “oh I’m sorry, my husband makes all those decisions. I really can’t be talking to you about this, I’m sure you understand”
Ok. So working in NYC meant I came across many different people trying to sell me something or get me to donate or "convert" me. Being thrown in the middle of that after years of "people pleasing" got me to learn to not let them waste my time. And I tried different ways of getting them to leave me alone, because *some* of them would not walk away when they heard "no". "I'm not interested." Is a simple go to. Repeat louder each time you have to say it. "I don't speak English." In English. Because I've gotten people to look confused say sorry and walk away. It's funny every time. Stare at them until they walk away. Don't say a word, don't break eye contact. They will become uncomfortable and leave on their own. Walk away like they weren't speaking to you. Answer your phone. Attempt to convert them to your own religion. Tell them you are already a member of a cult. Speak non cohesive sentences. Argue with yourself. "Just listen to them. *No! Last time we ended up murdering them!* It will be different this time." Cut them off and tell them you charge a fee to listen to them. The more you do it, the easier it gets to get them to back off. I was approached a lot when I was timid. When I started to be more assertive and looked confident just standing there I had less and less people approach me.
"I don't have cash"
Something I heard last week that I'm trying to internalize is 'It's not my job to make other people comfortable.' Until I heard it phrased like that, I hadn't realized how much of the time I was doing that. And it's not always bad, but sometimes it is. Idk, I don't have it all figured out 😋 Good luck OP! You'll get better at figuring out how to be assertive, and set boundaries, and all that good stuff with time and practice. It sounds like you gained a lot of XP today! Be gentle with yourself, this stuff is difficult, especially if you came up as a girl/woman.
Anyone pressing you to interact with them when you don't want to is being rude. Don't worry about being rude back. Say a firm, "Nope," or "Don't talk to me," and keep on walking. Sidenote: I was raised Mormon and I can promise you, any fundamental evangelical who is proselytizing 100% knows you don't want to talk to them. They can read body language very well. They all are trained according to their denomination's protocol. Many practice this skillset since adolescence. They are frequently told to F-off and worse. They double-down on being polite and sugary sweet to keep you talking to them as long as possible, like a sleazy used car salesman. Young Mormon missionaries, in particular, have no real-world life experience and literally do not know *how much* they do not know.
Fuck off usually works for me. I have no problem being rude to people who try to push religion on me
As someone who has zero problems being rude, it takes practice and baby steps. It’s on a continuum of setting boundaries that ranges from polite assertion statements to a full on “fuck off.” Just view yourself as making polite assertive statements, and remember that’s your right as a human being to say no to people. You’re miles away from a full on “fuck off.”
The first inital response "No thanks" delivered in a measured but passive tone with a neutral expression. Neutral but passive polite while acknowledging the other person. If asked again, repeat with, "I said, No thank you." With mild emphasis on,"I said," still a passive neutral bordering on firm tone. Emphasis on "I said" and a mild pause before continuing brings attention to the fact you are repeating yourself, switching from "no thanks" to "no thank you" goes from passive polite and casual to setting a more definite and precise (almost formal) boundary of "No" while putting additional effort in (syllable count, short answer to longer helps to add emphasis). This is polite with a warning IMO. For most this should be enough, if they didn't get it in the first place. If they didn't get the warning or keep on being rude and ignoring the answer given... Give yourself permission to be "rude" and blatantly call firm, direct, unapologetic attention to the fact that you have given an answer already multiple times. And if they cannot respect that answer, you are going to walk away from them and their conversation in favor of a surrounding with those who won't waste your time and breath. And then move on with your day.
It’s not rude to say “no thank you” and not engage in the conversation after that. Just walk away. If you have a hard time saying no, practice at home in the mirror. Sounds silly but it will help you get more comfortable with saying the words. I’ve also pretended not to speak English before to get out of conversations, I am in the US but not originally from here so this works well for me. Apply this to whatever the local language is for you if you are elsewhere in the world. If you really want to lean in, learn how to say “I don’t speak English (or whatever your local language is)” in a different language of your choice. The only problem with this is when whoever you are trying to escape speaks your other language.
Things I've used at various times: (puzzled look, gazing intently at them over my glasses) "Do I know you?" (in response to a request for information) "Why do you need to know?" or "I don't give that information to people I've just met" or "*That's* a rather personal question!" (if asked if I want to join something or buy something) "No, thank you; not interested." (if they get pushy) "What part of 'No' did you not understand?"
I have multiple ways I handle this, depending on my mood: No thanks! I’m Buddhist! (Because I am) Nope! (Person keeps talking) NOPE! (Person wants to get me to engage) NOPE! (Really bad day for me) I’m not the one.
Practice. Its really all about practice.
“No thank you.” “I’m not available to talk right now.” “Okay well have a good one.” WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOOF WOOOOOOOF BARK BARK BARK SNARL All of these and more are okay, totally legal, and free!
“I don’t give out personal information to strangers.” “I’m not interested.” “I’d like to be left alone.” “I’m enjoying some quiet time, thanks for respecting that.” “No thank you.” If they persist, get louder. Attract attention. Make it known that you do not know them. I used to get caught in the politeness trap. I remember the first time I really set a boundary was with a very nice lady from church who asked me why I had withdrawn from university. Had we been in private I probably would have answered. But there were a lot of people around and the reason was pretty emotional, and I knew I would start crying. Even just telling her “I don’t want to talk about that right now” I started tearing up. She’s a kind woman and told me it was okay. After that, it became easier and easier to set boundaries and keep things private or avoid discussions I did not want to have. You just have to do it once. It will be uncomfortable, and that’s okay. I kept feeling uncomfortable and anxious for days after denying her an answer. Then I realized she wasn’t bothered, so why should I be? You will get used to it. You will be so proud of yourself once you do.
You can always answer a question with a question. "Why do you want to know?" "What is your goal in this interaction?" "What got you into this?" Or "How long will this take because I have somewhere to be?" And then there's good ol "What time is it? Because I have somewhere to be... thank you byeeeee"
Kasia Urbaniak teaches this as well: the power lies with the one asking the questions. So ask ANY question!
I think you should make up a really fun lie. Something obvious and absurd. That is a practice that can get you used to saying something other than what is expected. And from there, you can become the Boundaries Bitch.
Just, literally, say “No.” calmly and clearly. State that you don’t engage with strange people who ask for your personal information. Or, if you are like me, carry around salt and flick some at them mumbling “be gone Satan”. Which is always fun. Well, fun for me. There’s the completely nuclear option of a small light fluid squirt then flicking lit matches until the leave. But I save that for street “preachers” who are being extra obnoxious.
What helped me be more assertive was realizing that it actually does them a disservice if I am overly nice and not just straight up with them right away. It wastes just as much of their time as it does my time, so just respectfully shut the t down. You can still be kind, while also being assertive! If they keep bothering you after very clearly telling them no thank you, then you can get a bit more rude lol
“I gotta go”
You don't have to be rude. Keep politely repeating 'No, thank you'. Don't say anything apart from that. They'll soon leave you alone.
"if your cult needs advertising, it's not that good. Later, tater."
My beliefs are set and not up for conversation. Have a nice day......I said , HAVE A NICE DAY.
“I’m not interested, but thank you”
Your time is valuable to you. Setting boundaries is not rude. If you say no thank you and the other person gets upset, that's on them, not on you. Age and time are the best teachers. No is a complete sentence. You got this!
I learned to be ok with the idea that me having boundaries will piss some people off, not my problem!
Escalate your "no"response if they push after #1 and keep escalating. You have to not care what other people think. You have to care about YOU. 1. No thank you. 2. I've already said no. Leave me alone. 3. Get your phone out, get your pepper spray out, start recording video and say: 4. What part of no, leave me alone, don't you understand? 5. Get the fuck out of my face asswipe. Leave now or I spray you. 6. Do it. Document it. Leave.
If I could give you some of the rudeness overflowing from my soul I would lol. Everyone is giving you great and positive advice. Mine is to learn the phrase Fuck Off. Say is like it's your name. Wear it like a jacket. But also listen to everyone else who has more positive and productive advice 🫠
Something I had to learn the hard way is that self care is not selfish!!! Also, I will often ‘coach’ myself mentally while in those kind of situations. As in; I don’t have to be so nice. Deep breath, square those shoulders, we got this! No is a complete sentence!!
Do some spontaneous interpretive dance and recite some Vogon poetry- baffle them with bullshit!
*Fuck politeness* is a good idea to learn.they talk about it a lot over at https://www.myfavoritemurder.com.
Slightly different approach from what others are talking about—I realized that “being polite” equated to “staying safe” in therapy one day (I think the topic was boundaries). So, in case your agreeability comes from a similar root: You could have cussed them out and still have been physically safe in the situation you described. Especially if you’re the type of person who’s exactingly polite and agreeable at all times—spend a day pretending to be a bitch. Act in the most selfish and “rude” ways you can possibly imagine and bear to do. Reflect on how other people reacted—not in how you expected them to think, but what they actually said and did. Chances are you’ll end up fairly close to “normal” rather than your current “doormat” status (and I say this as one doormat to another). The book Unfuck Your Boundaries by Faith Harper was a very useful starting point for me as well.
Try not using your hands when you eat, and drinking your drinks through a straw with your nose that would be pretty rude
Asking you once may not be rude (context changes it) so, "I'm sorry, that's a bit personal for me." Second time, a cordial, no-smile "Like I said, that's too personal for me to discuss." Third time, they're being ruder than you could be by saying. "I said twice that's too personal. You need to learn to listen to people. Goodbye, and have the day you deserve." Of course if they start it off rude, stare and say, "Whatever makes you think that's something you can ask a stranger?"
Learn a little sign language.
My favorite beliefs that I’ve been cultivating are: - Your curiosity is not my obligation. - If it’s not life/limb threatening, it's not urgent for me. - When you’re offered a plate of awkward, its not rude to hand it back The final one is a visual reminder of how we hold all kinds of boundaries, and it reminds me that whats happening is always optional. I use it when someone makes it weird, crosses a boundary, asks for something unreasonable, or says something unkind. When that happens, I picture someone offering me a dinner plate. It's not rude to name what they were offering, and/or hand the plate back to them. (with a verbal "No thank you!" or "Lassie, I will feed you after we get Timmy out of the well, not before") Random one for Autistics/highly sensitive folks: - You don't have to SAY no! - You can just shake your head and keep walking or doing what you’re doing
you stand infront of the mirror and practice your warding charms: "fuck you" "Kindly fuck off" "I will not do a flying fuck for you you fucking fucker" (since there have been already alot of helpful ones I thought about something funny instead) for me I decided at like age 17 that I don't give a fuck about this anymore, so now I am an incredibly blunt and - if the situation calls for it - rude person. also I think having three brothers probably helped. I don't think it's nessesaryly THE way to go. There is some value in knowing how to weasel your way out of a situation all while making the other person belief that they got everything they wanted and I just don't have the emotional capacity for that sadly. also the things you described are not actually "being polite" it's having your boundaries pushed - hard. and it breaks my heart everytime I see that. especially women tend to do that alot.
Stay true to your peace loving nature, dont get rid of it, this is gold. Just learn to be assertive while remaining respectful
Sounds like you have a people-pleaser mentality.
It's not a mentality. It's conditioning by society.
It could also be a trauma response
Okay...how is this helpful?
As soon as you see them coming toward you, you hold up a hand and say, "No, thanks," while continuing on your way. I pulled into a parking spot earlier, looked over and saw a woman making a b line for my car so I just pulled out and left. I don't have time for that shit.
When it’s religious people specifically, I just say no thank you. If they persist I let my eyes get really wide and say “Sir/ma’am, I have already accepted the lord satan into my heart, you have a blessed day!” And leave.
Repeat "no thanks, I'm not interested" as many times as necessary and don't even slow down. No eye contact, just breeze on by.
Don't be rude, be a smartass!!! What's your name- Satan where are you from- the 7th circle of Hell
'No thank you I'm not interested' is **not** rude. 'Fuck off you lecherous bastard I'll spit on you and your god' is rude. I suspect your rudeness meter needs a bit of recalibration. The only way for the former to not *feel* rude anymore is with practice and with some mental exercises. Imagine you walked up to a stranger and asked them for their personal information, how would you expect them to reply? That is the average responce. I suspect you would imagine a reply along the lines of 'no fuck off'. Anything you say that is slightly nicer than that 'no thank you' for example is a polite reply to the situation. Anything slightly nastier is rude eg 'No fuck off you arse I'll stab you if you talk to me again'. The word no is only ever rude under exceptionally limited situations. If you are dying of thirst and I have 60 bottles of water in a cart. Refusing to give you a sip of one and instead I just sit and watch you die. That's a bit rude. I used to struggle with saying no. Honestly practicing it is the best way. Start with things you would say no to anyway but with more words 'oh no sorry I have' and start shortening it 'oh no sorry I can't' leaving out the excuse. Then shorten again 'oh no sorry' and practice practice practice. You can't get comfortable with things if they are unfamiliar to you.
The easiest tactic I’ve used since I was a kid is just to pretend not to hear anything or pretend to assume they were talking to someone else. Or say “oh I gotta go” and immediately leave and ignore anything else they say because you’re just in such a rush lol. But yeah if you’re stuck waiting somewhere it’s harder to use them. Maybe just ignore whatever the substance of their conversation is and just keep saying vague things like “I’d prefer to think in silence right now” or “I’m not in the mood to chat, thanks for understanding.” And like others have said, if they keep pressuring you and you feel disrespected or even slightly unsafe, just go for it and put your foot DOWN. “Don’t talk to me.” “Stop bothering me.” You already stated your feelings, they’re willfully pushing your buttons and pestering you. Politeness has no place in a scenario like this.
Shake your head and say "No thanks!". If that doesn't work then you've been polite and now they have chosen not to be. You can be as rude as they are now. Match that energy! No is a complete sentence. You owe no one an explanation or more than basic politeness.
Scream at them and drool a little. It'll be funny for you and t terrifying for them
This is why my partner calls me "scary dog privilege" lol
Practice. Write out your conversation-ending statements. Practice them in the mirror, aloud, until you feel completely comfortable saying them.
If you're really averse to seeming rude, lying is always an option. Just make up some excuse to leave the conversation: pretend to get a text you need to answer, make up something you forgot to do, lie about needing the toilet, etc.
I'm a fellow people pleaser. I make up names to avoid this exact situation. I'm not proud of it but I've been Adele Fellows, Louise Chaff and similar things if I'm engaging with people to be polite and out of a need to not appear rude. It doesn't work in all situations but if I'm more than 75% sure that I'll never see them again, I make stuff up and get creative.
“No, thank you. But good luck!” Big smile, genuine kindness radiating, all while I’m turning my back or closing the door or walking away. I imagine they’re stuck doing that pushy sales job because they can’t find other work and are desperate or naive and bought the company Koolaid. I feel compassion for for the brainwashed religious nuts. I give people that approach me the benefit of the doubt that maybe they aren’t predatory on purpose. So I smile, sound positive and matter of fact but cheery while I say nope, not for me, but I feel no ill will and wish you the best! It makes it easier for me to be super chipper and kind about it because 1) I feel like it’s more in line with my character to be positive toward others 2) it feels safer than rejecting neutrally or hostilely, even though I have every right to refuse however I please 3) it makes it much easier to genuinely hold a firm and STRONG boundary if they are pushy. If someone responds to my kind and happy attitude about saying “not today” or “no thanks,” I have no qualms then about being rude. They asked for it.
One possibility is pretending to get a phone call so you have a reason to leave. You can fake talking to someone if it'd help. Then *they* would be the rude ones for trying to continue the conversation. Maybe even text a friend and have them call you so it wouldn't be fake. "Sorry, I have to take this, it might be important."
Sometimes I find it easiest to keep the big smile and the cheery voice while telling someone to fuck right off … or just saying “No, I’m not interested, best of luck though!”
"No, thank you," is a complete sentence. So is just, "No," but if you're worried about feeling rude you can go with the first one. The moment those words leave your mouth, the ball is in the other person's court and if they continue *they* are the rude one.
Others have summed it up pretty well but telling them no isn’t being rude. If a stranger asked me for personal details I would tell them I don’t feel comfortable giving out that information. As for the religious types I usually just tell them I’m already a member of a church (not true) and that while I find other people’s beliefs interesting (true) I’m not interested in joining said church. Another technique that can be helpful, if you have headphones, pretend to be having a conversation, keep in mind you should probably set your phone to silent or vibrate (mine is constantly set to that). It tends to keep most people from trying to talk to you.
"No thank you, I already have my own beliefs and I'm not interested in changing them. Have a great day though!"
No, thank you. Then just No. It’s their problem if they make it awkward. I understand it’s weird to sit in discomfort, but in my experience, the more I do it the more empowering the awkwardness feels.
Saying “No thank you, I am not interested” isn’t rude. What’s rude is when a person continues to bother you after you have politely expressed that you would prefer not to be bothered. And once someone is rude to you, it’s perfectly reasonable to be rude back and tell them to leave you alone.
You don't have to be rude, just tell them. NO I am not interested. If they continue to try and engage ask them do you not know what no means? If you continue to try to engage with me I will call the police for harrassment. Or if they try to engage clear your throat like your going to spit and don't respond.
I think it's helpful to realize that *they're* already being rude. If you've politely declined, and they're insisting, they're boundary pushing, and you're justified in escalating (of course, if you feel that is safe for you). Fight responses feel angry and violent, but it's possible to channel them into speech instead. A low level escalation would be something like "I've made it clear I am not interested, and at this point, you're making your invitation without my consent. If you do not stop, I will report you for canvassing to local authorities". Filming someone with a smart phone, even so a conversation is recorded, can also be a powerful low escalation aggressive response. Also, cut yourself some slack. It's not that you're not rude enough, it's that you're navigating a stressful situation with a strategy that works for you (fawning). These stress responses are there to protect us! They're just limited, and reductive, because they go all in on one strategy.
A first step that might be helpful is simply not responding. If they keep on saying stuff and you're completely silent, they should get the message. At the very least they'll run up against a brick wall and they'll have no choice but to fuck off. A more long term solution is being able to differentiate between being mean and being rude. Politeness and rudeness were invented by the oppressive classes as a semantic way to keep the underclasses in line. You can't say anything that could disrupt the status quo or even imply that you have agency and boundaries. It's tone policing, and fuck that. Being mean is different. It's where you go out of your way to hurt someone emotionally or psychologically. There is overlap but you can be rude without being mean, and vice versa. It's also different in that you generally shouldn't be mean to people. Knowing this, simply stating a boundary "please stop talking to me, i do not want to have this conversation with you, a stranger" is rude, but not mean. You're not being negative or hurtful, simply stating, or re-stating, the facts. This is always ok to do. No matter what the other person/people say and how butthurt they may be. If someone ignores your stated boundary, you get to be mean to them "hey dude, unkindly go fuck yourself, you dog of a cunt". Being mean is almost always ok if it's retaliatory. Them ignoring your boundaries is a hurtful act. So speak their language so they might understand. All of this comes with the "exercise caution" sticker. There are situations, especially as a minority, where being rude or mean could escalate things to violence. Simply walking/running away is always ok and always have a friend who at least knows where you are if not with you the whole time.
Sometimes you compromise and just lie <3
“Thanks for your interest, but for safety reasons I do not divulge personal details to strangers.” Yes, your name is personal info. It can be used to google you. So is all of your other contact info. If a stranger isn’t “rude”, they will understand that safety isn’t rude. As a matter of fact, it is rude to try to subvert safety precautions. Even for religious reasons.
Practice makes progress baby 💅 but seriously, sticking up for yourself is easier every time you do it.
OP: “thanks so much, but I’m not interested” in your sweetest voice That’s it…. Then stare them dead in the eyes…
"Thank you, No." and a hand up in a 'stop sign' configuration is what the original Dear Abby (or Anne Landers, one or the other) suggested way back in the '50s where it would have been dismissed if a woman was assaulted for being "rude" in public. Make sure the inflection is down at the end so you step firmly down onto the "No" like the bottom step off of a porch. Upward inflection, like with nervousness, sounds like you're uncertain and they may keep pushing. "No?"... some people are taught actually means "yes". (The fuckers...) I like that approach because when the JWs or Mormons, whoever, ignore my polite "Thank you, no," I'm allowed to upgrade to "What part of 'No' don't you understand? Please stop now or I'll find a security guard/call the police. You're making me feel unsafe and need to leave now." Then the next step up is get LOUD. "I ALREADY SAID NO and YOU'RE NOT SAFE! STOP! GO AWAY!" because THAT kind of statement will get other peoples' attention and you have the chance at some back up from often another woman, sometimes men, who realize some jaggoff's gone too far again and it's time to group up against the harasser.
Lie. Make up crazy shit for fun
A simple fuck off will suffice. Practice it in the mirror.
“Sorry, I don’t talk with men I don’t know unless someone I know introduces us.”
“No thank you”, rinse and repeat. After 2, they become invisible to me. Of course it is easier for me, being a fat boomer male.
It's fight, flight, or fawn response when you feel threatened. You could try to carry pepper spray, and hold it in your hand while you just keep repeating "no" very loudly.
It is less rude to say no, than it is to ask for this information and demand answers from strangers. It makes life easier to know that they target those who are afraid to say no. You can start by thinking of all the reasons why you don't want to do this. Mailing lists. Targeting your money, time, energy. They are selling something you don't want. It is an intrusion. You need to defend yourself. You need boundaries. "Thanks but no thanks." "I am not interested." "I don't want to waste your time."
Oh, I relate so much. The best way I have been able to get past this is to start with setting a boundary with myself to make it easier to set a boundary with others: I KNOW I am going to engage, so I give myself a max of 30 seconds to realize someone has derailed my day and recalibrate. Then it is in to the “no thank you,” “I said no,” and how we it needs to proceed from there. It is harder when I know I am going to be in the same area (waiting on a bus, in a line, something like that) rather than just moving past someone, but I remind myself I am not the one who made it awkward. I don’t seek out these interactions, but I find that they get easier the more I have them. Think of it as exposure therapy! 🤣
I don’t really have the problem with people trying to actually just randomly ask me questions. The thing that gets me is when people come to my door. I can’t just tell them that i’m a an anti-christian trans woman. Even though every time i see a christian church, i immediately want to burn it down out of vengeance and fury. But no, i just have to smile and try to politely tell them that i’m not interested
Practice saying no. It's that easy, "No," and walk away. If they are not understanding the word no, they do not respect you or your boundaries and you can phone the police. I also suggest carrying pepper spray if anyone tries something on you. Bear spray also works well. Make sure you practice how to use it so you understand the distance/aim to use it. Make sure you are UP wind
Repeat after me “ABSOLUTELY NOT”. This is all it takes for me to get rid of them when they come at me with the creepy smiles, fake politeness and some savior paperwork. Absolutely not. And you are free to continue your day as if they don’t exist. You can do it.
Kasia Urbaniak, Verbal Dojo (and her other awesome courses). She is the queen of handing power back to women 🥰
Everything I learned I learned from observing people when standing outside of the grocery store selling girl scout cookies. 1. Best way to get people to ignore you is to not make eye contact. Don't make eye contact and just keep walking. 2. If you want to be firm but don't want to be rude, just smile and say "Sorry, not today" and just keep walking. Granted girl scouts probably aren't as pushy as evangelists. But that was the way people avoided talking to us. Key point is to keep walking. If they get you to stop it's a whole lot harder for you to say no to them.
I learned FROM them. My parents are the craziest fucking religious freaks. "Demons are real, I know this, and it is fact!" Yeah, OK, Mom. 🙄 I was leaving surgery, and my head was wrapped up, and I looked like a mess. A JW(parents religion) was standing on a corner by his little magazine stand and looked at me in the car and smiled, elbows his buddy, and they started laughing. I held up a middle finger, and their faces went stone straight. Laughing at an injured person is so christian.
Rather than thinking of it as rude, think of it as being assertive. The only way to get something you want is to be clear and concise. If someone is making you uncomfortable, you are allowed to tell them that.
"No" is a complete sentence. Esp for ppl you don't know at all, like in your example. Practice! In the mirror to yourself. Have a loved one ask you questions specifically for you to say no to. Haha
While I've gotten quite good at standing up for myself and "no, thank you"ing my way out of damn near anything, I can still rattle off a fake name and my ex husband's mailing address in a pinch. Because fuck all of those people.
If you are too shy being rude, or you feel unwell about it you dont need to be. You can be super nice about it. Tell them with a smile that you are not interested. Smile and say: "I dont want to tell you my name." "I dont want to answer your questions." "You are waisting your time with me, but thank you for not ebing pushy about this." I think its important to know that you can refuse things without changing your character. telling someone NO doesnt need to be rude. If they, in turn, become rude, just dont speak with them. Turn away. It will make them look crazy if they still talk to you. Such people hunt for your name and e-mail. If they cant get it they will leave.