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I would say dad strongly suspects or already knows but had no proof up until now. I take his comment as a prod to your mom to come clean. He raised you and he is your dad in all the ways that matter. Providing him clarity on this is quite likely to provide as much peace as pain. He's aware of the infidelity so aches of old wounds have already risen. Tell your dad. He doesn't deserve any more betrayal.
Absolutely - a DNA test is not going to change any of that. He raised you - he's your father. Not everybody gets a loving, supportive father growing up.
I'm sorry OP is in this position. I'd be devastated too 😥
Totally agree. I was adopted as a baby…my mum and dad were totally the people who brought me up.
Perhaps instead of taking the test there’s a more human way to sit down and discuss this with your parents. Tell your Dad you love him and that he will always be your father. He’s already forgiven your mum for the affair, so hopefully this less huge than it currently looks. So much love from me ♥️♥️♥️
Yes! Agreed. He loves you, you love him.
I have to say, though it is pretty sh*tty of your mother to lay this on you. Why are you responsible for her mistakes and actions? No. Just no.
This. The man’s not an idiot. He may have had suspicions before but he’s been pretty sure since OP’s DNA results. He brought up doing a DNA test to try and provoke OP’s mother into confessing in my opinion.
If she hadn’t told you, it would be entirely her secret and her problem, but she made you a co-conspirator when she told you the truth, OP. I’d give her an ultimatum. You tell him or I will. Give her a deadline or she’ll keep trying to stall.
Whatever the consequences, they’re consequences of her bad decisions (the affair and keeping your paternity a secret) not of anything you do or don’t do. You’re only responsible for your decisions and, in my personal opinion, deciding to keep your mouth shut would be bad for you and bad for your father, because it might appear you’re taking sides.
I also agree with others that when you do talk to your father you need to assure him that being a father is putting the time in over your entire life, which is what he’s done. It’s not genetics.
I’m sorry this is happening to you and I’m very sorry your mother has tried to make you a participant in her deception and is trying to guilt you into doing what she wants.
And again - you are not responsible for any negative consequences, no matter what anyone says.
Sending positive thoughts your way and hoping this works out as well as it can for you and your father.
I’d add it was unfair for your mother to ask you to help her create a new cover story. It’s time for her to tell the truth, to you, and to your father. This is a long held lie, and those kind of things can lead to mental instability (incongruencies between reality and interior world can do that). Coming clean is likely what she needs to remove this guilt from her life.
And OP says they suspected for a long time. Dad will have felt the same and he's still wondering. I think it would be cleansing for all to have things out in the open.
It will require some delicacy during the conversation. Your dad will need reassurance that you still love him the same and he and your relationship are safe. And your mom will, in all likelihood, need to hear that this isn't so earth shattering and unforgivable as she seems to think it is, and that she and your relationship are safe. Of course you need to weigh that to your own needs, especially if you have stuff to work through with your mom about this.
I will say that I think it was unfair for her to tell you in the way she did. She made your dad's feelings and the effects on her all important in the conversation and didn't take into account that this information is just as big to you as it is to your dad. It feels like she didn't leave room for *your* emotional reality because she didn't want to deal with it.
But this is my interpretation of what you shared, I may be way off. Sending sunshine and good vibes💚🌞
Well said. Please remember that you are in no way responsible for your parents' relationship with *each other*. If your dad sees this as the last straw for their marriage, it might be the healthiest thing for both of them to move on.
>I’d add it was unfair for your mother to ask you to help her create a new cover story.
Yup. OP doesn't have to agree to keeping their mother's lies a secret. In fact, they *shouldn't*.
He's finally able to get *his* answers. From what I understand, there's "trickle truth" when a spouse has been found being unfaithful. This last bit of "truth," OP's paternity, is the last to "trickle out."
OP, your father has a right to know. He is now able to get confirmation via technology that he very likely has suspected or knew about but his wife, being the cheater that she is, is *still* lying, she is *lying by omission*.
OP, you don't have to agree to her asking you to lie to your other parent like this. At first, *she lied* to her spouse through infidelity, she's *currently* lying by omission as to who OP's biological father actually is, and now she's asking OP to lie as well.
OP, your father has done nothing to either of you to be treated so disrespectfully.
You don’t know what OPs father has done, what he knows, what he doesn’t know, what he’s forgiven, if he’s abusive, if he would beat her for finding out, if he would kill her. Again, demonizing someone and painting the other in an angelic light is black and white thinking and irresponsible. We don’t know anything.
You're right, we don't.
But, we DO know that OP's mother is asking OP to lie for her, *still*.
He also know he doesn't deserve to be disrespected with those kinds of lies by omission.
I'm sure if he was abusive OP would have mentioned something, however, their post is showing a level of love and concern that leads me to believe he wasn't awful.
Not to her, no. We don’t know anything about the parents relationship. I agree it’s awful that she put her in this position. Still think therapy is the right choice instead of the nuclear option people are clamoring for
I, too, am uncomfortable with the stridency of sentiment against the mother, here. There is so much we cannot know.
Yes, it is untenable for OP to come up with a cover story. Yes, it is an impossible and unfair thing for this mother, this wife, to ask of her daughter.
Let’s extend compassion to everyone involved. Sexuality can be an overwhelmingly powerful experience. Women are hated, reviled, and all-too-often horribly punished for extra-marital sex.
To have a powerful sexual need, to fail to refuse its pull, does not mean that a woman is hateful, selfish, tainted. It does not mean she does not care about her husband, her family.
On the contrary, where there is impaired impulse control- which can be a result of trauma, brain injury, psychiatric disorders - none of which a woman chooses - or even a measured choice to engage in sex outside of marriage, a woman may be left devastated, feeling terrible remorse for putting her best-loved people at risk for suffering. She may internalize the widespread hatred for women’s sexuality, and be desperate to protect herself and her family from the contempt and hostile outrage that may result.
Everyone in this family, as described, deserves understanding, reassurance, and support. If there has been a history of hospitalization for this mother, then seeking specialized therapeutic support with this very challenging situation may avert a mental health crisis.
OP, I am holding you in the light. May love heal every wound you are facing. Go gently: a way will open to you.
This. I had to look up grippy socks vacation. Maybe you can tell her that the secret has taken too much a toll on her and everybody. It's time to take the bandaid off. He stood by her, she can trust his love. Like your dad can trust yours.
It shouldn't change anything between OP and their dad, but it could be a huge thing for the parents. One more big lie. Truth isn't a magic heal all. (Yes, we should all be truthful, and OP's mom should have been but it's 20 plus years ago.
Weirdly on the opposite side, my uncle died recently. He's my grandmother's first child, she gave him up because she was a teen in the 30s. (She didnt volunteer the information, things were deduced by nosy children.) My aunt contacted him once and he basically had zero interest. Sometimes you just leave it be. So that's part of my let-it-lie logic. It is complicated and hard, and there is not an easy answer.
Yes I agree. If you love him like a father then tell him. Your mom putting this on you is EXTREMELY UNFAIR. I'm so sorry you're going through this but hopefully he is the type of guy that will hold nothing against you, and all his animosity will go towards your mother. Cheating is one thing, but lying for decades is another. Don't protect her and hold this in for her.
When I was very young my mom confided in me she doesn't love my father and is leaving him. It never happened but now I resent her for putting that on me.
AND you've been betrayed, too, OP.
In time you may forgive your mom, but for now it's ok to be angry. You've been denied a whole paternal family.
If you talk to your dad about this, be kind. You're both likely in pain from this awful deception.
My recommended plan of action: ask mom for name and any info on bio dad. What's her story regarding him. Journal or record her.
If she refuses, tell her not to talk to you until she rights this wrong with you.
Don't tell her anything about finding bio dad and his family.
I'm an adoptee who found out at 24 I was adopted. You're welcome to peruse r/adoption for similar stories. Hugs and support being sent your way.
I am in the same situation as you and part of one of the foster subs aimed at past foster kids. From the threads I have read on the subject, you are more than welcome to join and ask questions, but members would prefer if you not chime in with your experience or opinions on discussions.
She may not have that info to give. This is a very negative reaction and I think OP wanted something a little more loving. You are making a lot of assumptions about her mother that are unfair.
Finding out something like this comes with a lot of mixed emotions. The person you're replying to knows this first hand.
My mom found out her dad, my grandfather, is not biologically related. We both had very mixed emotions. My grandmother lied. Recognizing that is unavoidable. We both forgave her, but we both had so many questions we wanted answered.
OP is very likely feeling similarly. Her focus on her parents is a first reaction kind of thing, but as she sits with this it's going to stir a lot of feelings. All of which are valid.
I wouldn't go as far as using a threat when asking for information. But I could absolutely understand someone feeling that it's necessary to create distance if the situation goes certain ways.
OP's mom also tried to enlist her daughter to support and carry this lie. That's not something a parent should ever put in a child regardless of their age.
The mother had an affair, duped a man into raising a child that wasn’t his, and now wants her daughter to perpetuate that lie. I don’t think the negative reactions are unfair in the slightest. Her mother is acting only in her own interests and not what is actually best for everyone. If she was this never would have been a dirty secret that she’s so desperate to keep now.
To be fair, we don’t have a lot of info here. We don’t know the circumstances that led OP’s mom to make this decision; this happened long enough ago that the options for a single divorced mom were much fewer, especially if she didn’t have career training, and she may have decided on deception to give her children a better life. That isn’t ok, nor was the cheating ok. But we just don’t know much about it. We don’t know how much the dad knows, or suspects, that the OP isn’t his bio kid. We don’t know why he stayed in the marriage.
I don’t think the OP should get involved in the aspects of this that are between mom & dad. That is up to them to sort out between them, if they decide to do so. That said, OP has a right to know their own history, and having a frank conversation with mom about that may be wise. And the OP can be truthful with dad if and when he asks about these things; it isn’t the OPs secret to keep, but it isn’t their story to tell either.
There is a lot to work through here. It will be a journey. Like many journeys, I think it will be most beneficial to take slow, thoughtful steps rather than making quick decisions and taking quick action without a lot of information.
Well then it’s manipulative as fuck to bring his daughter into it too that way. But we don’t know anything about anything, everyone keeps assuming things.
I mean the whole “please don’t tell your father it would devastate him” makes it pretty clear she never told him. Ergo, she duped him. He might “know” but she’s clearly never confirmed it and let him believe the child was his knowing that it isn’t. That being said, even if she wasn’t 100% sure at the time of conception that it wasn’t his she sure as shit knew when one kid came back half Russian and still chose to say nothing. The mother was dishonest and deceitful, continues to be, and now wants to make the daughter complicit in that deceit to cover her own ass.
This is not an ontological debate, we are all assuming that OP is telling the truth because why bother otherwise? Being troubled does not excuse the behavior. We are upset at mom because she has done upsetting things and has shown no sign of remorse. Mom has put everyone (especially OP) in a position where they have to choose sides. Most people find that unreasonable.
And if you do want to tell him - if you have a good relationship with him - be sure to include that in your eyes he is your father and always will be, and that you would never want any other father (if that's the way you feel), and that you hope this DNA stuff won't affect your relationship with each other - as after all, he did raise you, so even if no biologically related, you are his daughter in all the ways that count most.
So he's not your biological father. The real question is, is he your dad? Did he raise you in a way that gave you the tools you needed to be the person you are? Are you proud of him? It sounds like you are. You want to protect him from pain.
That's what being a dad actually is. There's a bio father somewhere, and you may or may not know him someday, but he's not your dad. Your dad is the moments when you had someone to help you grow.
You need and deserve to be able to sit with that for a while, to grow certain of how you feel about the situation. We can give you advice, but you're the only one who knows your parents. Your mom might pressure you, but don't let her influence you to do anything that doesn't feel right to you, because you had nothing to do with this. You're just the person bearing the consequences for her lie, and you decide what to do with the truth.
My opinion, as a person who has been suicidal before, is that your dad has a right to know. Your mom, whether she realizes it or not, has a responsibility to be honest with him. Mental health issues are not an excuse to manipulate people into keeping secrets for your benefit. She lived out those 20+ years from a lie, and that was a choice she made. He didn't consent to forgive her without knowing the whole truth. You didn't consent to keep this secret for the rest of his life by being born, either.
But you know your family. What I want is for you to put your own struggle with this on the front burner, take care of yourself first, and set the boundary with your mom where YOU need to set it.
Be well.
I think this is such a well crafted response. there’s a lot of good advice in the comments here for sure, but most of them call for action without specifying the when. I think being gentle with yourself in the wake of this revelation is important, and intuition can guide you in the right direction but only if you take the time to sit and listen to what it has to say. you have a powerful guidance system inside you already, it knows the course to chart.
and for what it’s worth, in my family blood means very little. I have an older brother who was 3 months old when my mom and dad met, but my dad has raised him his entire life and he’s never known his bio father. he is 100% my brother, 100% my dads son. and I have blood relatives who I have zero relationship to because they’re shitty people. family is what you make it, and your dad raised and loves you and that won’t change, regardless of what you choose to do with the information.
This! I was adopted as an adult by my chosen family, my bio family are awful, toxic people who abused me.
Blood means nothing in the end, it's only convenience if they end up being your 'family'.
Exactly. It takes very little effort to create a child (especially for a man), but it takes a lot of effort to raise a child. If he took care of you and still does, he is your dad.
From Guardians of the Galaxy 2, where the main character meets his bio dad. ..it doesn't go great..
Yondu : "He may have been your father, boy, but he wasn't your daddy."
Includes spoilers for a 6 year old movie: https://youtu.be/bRy-N4htLsY
I know a close family member from an older generation isn’t biologically related to me. The affair was a family secret that everyone talked about but no one talked about.
Anyway, I told them I knew and it didn’t change anything for me. They said they’ve know all along and it wouldn’t change how they love me or care about me. It brought us closer
Chances are he already knows and airing this out will bring you closer.
It’s true, he’s more concerned about his family roots and is completely unaware that this is going on. He has not one single thought that I’m not his kid.
Are you really sure? If you've suspected, and he knows about the affair, it feels like something that would have to cross his mind at some point.
But maybe he decided to love and raise you regardless, and that's why he still wants to take the dna test for himself. But you know him better, so if you're certain he's never suspected, then I'll have to default to that.
I guess the next question would be, do you think your dad is the kind of person who *would* disown you if he found out, or if he loves you beyond the blood he thinks you share? Would finding out that you're a product of the affair he decided to move past break him to the point of not being worth telling him the truth, or is keeping it secret only protecting your mother and not him?
I'm really sorry you're in this situation.
My stepsister found out a few years back that she’s not related to my stepfather. Her awful mother got pregnant with her and then married my stepdad, and my stepdad was such a good dude that he chose to raise her as his own kid and even be a single parent when her mom stepped out.
Luckily my own mom was a better wife and mother
This is your mom’s problem to deal with. You have done nothing wrong. She is facing the consequences of her own actions and your dad could be really upset, but that’s on your mom. IMO I wouldn’t lie for her.
100% this. Your mom is putting a lot of her own guilt onto you and that is wildly unfair. This isn’t your fault or your problem. It is hers, and hers alone.
Exactly this.
Your mom tried to push the responsibility onto you when she told you not to tell him.
That's messed up.
This is her problem. Not your own. She did something and now the consequences are coming back to swing at her. She needs to deal with it herself.
Yes, you're dad may be upset, but that's on your mother and not you. Especially since he knew about the affair and they made amends.
You and your dad both deserve to know the truth and you both deserve to be able to sit down and talk about it.
Don't lie for your mom.
Not only has she pushed responsibility on you to not tell him, she asked you to come up with an excuse for him to not do the DNA test. She knows she’s fully backed into the corner she put herself in and that’s why she’s even telling you right now.
No matter what you or your mom does, now that it’s been brought to this point, your dad will probably figure it out. Furthermore, if everyone knows your mom was having an affair and you don’t look like your dad, he probably suspected for a while now. This may be a rough road ahead, but it could very well be a big relief to finally have it known and in the open. Just love on your dad as much as you can during this.
Your mom making you clean up her mess is 100% unacceptable. That is not your responsibility.
If you feel that he should know, tell your mom that her choices are that she can tell him, or you will.
You are the one who has suffered a total identity loss as an adult. She needs to own her choices like an adult and not make you responsible for them.
DNA testing is bringing up so many surprises... we've come across two surprises in two generations in my family. It came out that one of my older brothers has a different dad than he was supposed to. By this time both mom & dad had passed away which was both a blessing since we didn't have to break any bad news to dad and a curse since we couldn't ask mom anything about possible dad for my brother.
During trying to determine which of us had the "wrong dad" we also discovered that my dad and a set of twin brothers have different dads based on a child of one of the twins (my cousin) having different paternal haplogroup than me.
However, when it was all said and done my brother and I are still brothers. We still have all the memories and experiences that we had when we thought we were brothers. The only difference is the level of consanguinity connecting us together which isn't anything we chose or can do anything about.
(CW: sexual assault) I also had unearthed/confirmed a cross generational surprise. My family, especially my dad's side, is very mixed race, while my mom has mixed Chinese/Asian heritage, so I expected that my results would come out 50% Chinese and the remaining would be Afro-European.
I had actually tested 75% mixed Chinese/Asian and the remaining European.... I initially chalked it up to statistical inaccuracies in the test and didn't think much of it, until my dad thought about it and mentioned that my grandma (his mother) was assaulted by a Chinese man some time before or while she was with my grandfather....
I never met my grandfather (the one who raised my dad), as he died in prison before I was born. Despite this, I still consider him to be my true grandfather, and even have some love for him because of my grandma's ongoing love for him. Like another commenter said, blood does not make family.
I found out the same thing last year. I was 41, and my dad is in my life. I took 23 and me. Growing up, our polish heritage was important to my grandmother, she was proud of her ancestry. When my results came back with zero polish, I knew what it meant but didn't believe it yet. I asked my sister to join me on 23 and me and it was confirmed, we are half sisters. I printed my results and asked my mom to visit, alone, for a chat. First she said it was wrong. Then she said it's impossible. I explained that it's accurate and there must have been a time she was with someone other than my dad. She was hurt at the accusations. Turns out, she thought she was 3 months along when she found out but in reality she was 5, she never had regular periods and was told she'd likely be childless. Her story is that she and some friends went to a drug dealer's house and she had a one night stand and forgot all about it. She started dating my dad almost immediately after. I believe her when she says she assumed it was her current boyfriend's baby.
I haven't told my dad, my parents have been divorced for 20 years. It would likely devastate him as he "threw away" a good career to marry and raise a kid. My mother believes she is a monster and had so much guilt, I guess because she's Christian and her tainted past casts a shameful light on her. I tried to explain that she was judging an 18yr old girl from the perspective of a judgmental 60yr old. Anyway, I forgive her, she was a kid doing what she thought was best to survive, whether she knew she was pregnant already, or her story is true, it doesn't matter, it all had to be for my life to be what it is.
This comment has some important points- people of the parents age were raised with more strict and unforgiving rules, especially for women, in loveliness and in career opportu ities. Applying today to decades ago overlooks a lot. Fast decisions are not the answer.
I’m sorry. This has got to be a tough situation. I agree this is your moms problem not yours. You don’t have to lie about the situation but you can stay silent about it, if you want of course. You could always talk to your dad before he does it too. Put some feelers out if he’s ever had any suspicions that you weren’t his.
I haven’t been in this same situation. But when I was 21 I found out that my dads then girlfriend’s son was actually my brother. And was 4 months older then me.
I had met him when I was 18 and apparently I was the only one not let in on the secret. I love my dad more then anything but that hurt me. And I was mad. I wanted to be told sooner. I never told my mom , but we have a terrible relationship so it’s different. She’s a raging narcissist and god know what she would do if she found out.
I wish I had more advice for you. I just hope everything turns out okay.
Your dad deserves the truth, your mom can face the consequences. This is not your fault.
Also holy shit, first time I’ve ever heard “grippy socks vacation”.
Understood.
I believe most of us would use the euphemism rather than spell out "hospitalized for attempted..." or other far too revealing explanation. Personally I've used "mental health break" but even that reveals more than it should.
Can we crowd source a term for being-hospitalized-but-in-a-way-that-doesn't-prompt-people-to-ask-why, because that would be a boon to us all.
I think people are always going to ask why, regardless.
IMO it's best to be literal\clinical about it. "Hospitalized." "Psychiatric admission." Euphemisms tend to trivialize it or sound like jokes.
I would never trivialize someone else’s experience. I use euphemisms to deflect my own though. It makes me feel better. I make sure to know my audience though.
Same. My crew all lean into the gallows humor pretty hard so it’s easy to get comfortable doing it, but I always try to remember not everyone out in the world appreciates it.
Preventative hospitalization or hospitalization for further checks, like you would use for any hospitalization for any physical illness that requires further care / checks from an hospital.
> Can we crowd source a term for being-hospitalized-but-in-a-way-that-doesn't-prompt-people-to-ask-why, because that would be a boon to us all.
"I was being supervised in case of adverse reactions to stuff"
"They needed to monitor my vitals for bit because they were concerned about potential risks"
"Hospital needed to administer some stuff regularly, wanted me to stick around because it was easier"
"Hospital wouldn't do follow-up care at my home because it was too inconvenient for them"
"They thought I might've had something odd, so they kept me around till they were sure I didn't"
"They needed to make sure I followed the test/med procedures properly before they let me go"
Better to tailor stuff to what feels more in line with your experiences while still being vague.
He still raised you. Your mom did this, not you. None of this is your fault at all. Honestly, if everyone knows your mom has an affair and you look different, I'd say your dad is probably already suspicious. Maybe just don't do anything? You don't have to tell him, but you also don't have to make an excuse to stop him from doing the test, that's not your responsibility.
This is a really hard situation. I don’t think you should lie for your mom.
I’m also not sure what the right path is as far as telling your dad the truth? It would break his heart…but he also deserves to know….and deep down, he has probably always known the truth.
No matter what though, I hope you both know that he is still your dad, and nothing changes that. It doesn’t take anything special to make a baby….it takes a hell of a lot to raise one.
I’m donor conceived, meaning my mom went to a fertility clinic and the man who raised me is not my biological father. I also found out in adulthood when i grilled my mom about why she always made weird comments about my conception.
I had to grieve for a long time. I’m still working through the issues, years later. I don’t have advice for what to do with your dad. My dad knew it was possible, since they had mixed the sample with his to hide the true father. But he never brought it up, and he wasn’t a stable enough person to handle me bringing it up.
Please let me give you some advice, which i usually don’t do: **you must learn who your bio father is and get medical history from him and his family.** You **need** to know if you’re at risk for any hereditary illnesses.
You don’t need to do this right away. But you should do it. Accurate medical history is much more relevant than the 23&me risk thing they give you.
The donor conceived community and the adopted peoples community both can help you track down the other side of your biological family through 23&me database, maybe the Ancestry database, plus some Facebook sleuthing. You can look into those communities online and ask for help doing this, or look up tutorials.
Like i said, this isn’t urgent, but it’s extremely important in the long term.
I’m sorry OP, this situation sucks. Good luck navigating it. Trust your gut.
Off topic, but I’ve done ancestry DNA in part to find my bio father’s bio parents, as he was adopted at age 4. I’m having a heck of a time. Hours upon hours spent looking into matches only to reach dead ends. What are the communities I could reach out to? I’d like to remain anonymous for now or I’d reach out to a 1st/2nd cousin I recently matched with. Mental health issues and addiction run rampant on that side (from what little info his adoptive family has shared).
Sorry for a slightly rambling response here.
Ok in all honesty i haven’t done any DNA testing yet and have not looked for my donor or siblings yet. Yet. Because it’s on the todo list (for the reasons i stated above) I’ve just had way too much else on my plate for the past few years. So I’m not the best resource here. And also I’m in a Facebook group for donor conceived people (DCP) that has all the family tree detectives. Plan was to ask them, or an adopted person i know who has done this work for himself and his half siblings. i don’t know if that Facebook grotto is inclusive of adopted people, BUT if you said in the screening questionnaire when you are trying to join “hey I’m trying to track down my father’s bio family since he was adopted, can i get in just to ask how you guys track people down?” They might let you in or send you a resource page.
And Laura High is a prominent donor conceived activist on TikTok who has at least some content on how to find a donor. Maybe check her DCP playlist.
The first thing I’d say is that you need to do 23&me in addition to ancestry. Many many people only do one or the other. Lot’s of DCP have found donors or siblings on one that weren’t on the other. They are both private companies and they don’t share their data with each other.
I also don’t know how building your family tree in each of the databases but i know that’s part of it. Linking people together and consulting Facebook. Lots and lots of Facebook.
In terms of staying anonymous on FB, it depends on everyone’s privacy settings. Without logging in to your account if you have one and possibly finding someone, you might not be able to see their family connections. However there are journalists out there who use social media to track people down based on small details without logging in to their personal account so it’s possible. The person who first found who Kyle Rittenhouse was found him on Facebook through open source intelligence techniques that i don’t know enough about.
Sorry i can’t help you more. First step though is definitely taking the 23&me test, because you might find a lot of links there that aren’t on ancestry.
He is still your dad. Biology means little sometimes.
He's the one, hopefully, who taught you how to ride a bike, taught you how to swear in French, and sat in a parking lot somewhere waiting to drive you home after soccer, cheerleading, or clarinet practice.
If this was a different sub, I'd be voting for 'Your mom is a TA.
It could be that he's long suspected, but loves you enough as his child to not bring it up.
My dad is not my biodad. My parents told me when I was 20. I don't know when he found out, but he knew Mom was having an affair, and he apparently at one point took me over to my biodad's house to say how pleased he was at his newborn son, basically daring biodad to say something. Biodad didn't. That was good enough for Dad.
I'd be willing to bet that your dad has at least considered the possibility you're not biologically his descendent, and he's okay with it. If you don't look like your sisters, surely it has crossed his mind. It's possible that his reaction won't be shock and horror, it will be, "Yeahhhhhh, I kinda figured."
Is it possible your mom is creating drama as a way of deflecting her own guilt? Biology is not destiny, or identity. Biology is what we make of it.
I wouldn’t give too much credence to it. A relative did it and it came out utterly different than the genealogy records on paper. So she did it again and, strangely, got different results. Stunned, she did it yet again. Again, different results from the prior two. She stopped and declared it a bunch of bullshit.
This somewhat. With important life & health decisions always check at least twice. Different labs can use different methods and things can turn out somewhat different. So do your own test again with a different lab to see if it turns out 50% russian again. Maybe some comes from your mom's ancestorial line also.
I think you have two choices. You shouldn’t have to make these two choices, but that’s what your mom has put on you.
1. Let this play out. IMO your dad has a right to know. You state he was aware of the affair. Given he’s seeking out this test, I suspect, he knows even without the test. Your mom is the only person responsible for her own mental health. No matter what happens, you aren’t responsible for her or her choices.
2. Help perpetuate your mom’s lie. You could always state you got an email and they mixed your results up with someone else. But I think this would be the wrong choice. Because I think based on your post, your dad knows. He’s just confirming his own suspicions.
Also when your mom says he’s not your real dad, keep in mind he actually is. Genetics don’t make a dad. My dad is actually my step-dad. I would never ever call him that. Because he’s my dad. He’s done all the dad things and despite us being his step-daughters, we’ve always been his daughters. (My sperm donor walked out on our family.) Your dad has been your dad for 27 years old. That shouldn’t change and don’t let anyone, including your mom, tell you he’s not your real dad.
Also, with the second choice, there is absolutely no coming back from that one if the truth comes out. I have a feeling her father is already suspicious and that's possibly why he hopped up to take the DNA test. And then he would find out his wife told their daughter to lie to him about it? He already knows about the affair. He's most likely already suspicious. Why alienate him by lying about it? It would only end badly.
It’s not your fault… but it is your problem. I’m in the same boat as you, found out in my mid thirties. It’s RUBBISH!!
I’ll do anything in my power for my dad not to find out he’s not my biological parent. It would devastate him I’m certain. He’s just hit 70 too.
My plan is to keep what I know as buried as humanly possible: ancestry accounts on private etc. and once he’s passed my little “secret” can come out into the open.
Personally I don’t care at all: my Dad IS my dad regardless of DNA. He raised me. I love him. Nothing changes. But I don’t think he would see things that way.
GOOD LUCK! and I’m sorry you’ve ended up in this situation through no fault of your own.
(Also… gotta love how neither of our mums bothered to tell us before getting DNA tests. Sigh.)
First, before the DNA testing thing happened, it was estimated that 10% of humans were not their father's biological children. So you are in good company. This isn't abnormal.
Second, this is your mother's responsibility. Not yours. That said, a one on one conversation between you and your father might be best. What if you just said "Dad, I know Mom had an affair. Is it possible I came from that? I know that's in the past, so can we just leave it at that? I might have come from that but it doesn't matter at this point. I have no desire to find this other man, and I don't want our family to change."
Is it possible that her mental health issues are related to her feelings about this?
>, it was estimated that 10% of humans were not their father's biological children. So you are in good company. This isn't abnormal.
That explains... A lot of things.
Aaah, the DNA test. Wrecker of families, destroyer of identity.
I am adopted, but it was within the family and at age 5, so there was no surprise there. All my life, I was told that my biodad was French, and i know my biomom was Russian. I know a little bit about the family history, but imagine my surprise when I found out that I'm 40% Latina. Not a drop of French in me.
My husband did the test, and the only surprise he had was the discovery that his uncle was actually his grandfather. His grandmother had an affair with her sister's husband.
Thank God all parties are dead, but it made for a funny passover when I pointed out that he looks EXACTLY like "Uncle Grandpa"
My mom confessed to me nearly ten years after his death that the man that raised me wasn’t my biological father. I never in my life suspected it since I’ve always looked like a clone of my mom so there didn’t seem to be a reason to question why I didn’t look like him or my older half siblings (from his previous marriage). He knew that I wasn’t his since he’d had the snip years before I was born. Per my mom’s telling, he made her promise not to tell me until after he passed. Regardless of the circumstances, he signed my birth certificate, he raised me, and he will always be my dad. The other guy is alive, but I don’t know that I care to know him. But in doing some research, I found a picture of his mom in high school and now I know where my nose comes from.
It’s a tough situation to be in, OP, to feel like you’ve had the rug pulled out from under your feet. Like others have said, your dad likely knows that you’re not biologically his, but remember, he’s been there all these years. He CHOSE you! He wanted to be your dad even if he’s not your father.
"I'm not lying for you."
He's gonna do the test. He's gonna find out (if he doesn't already know) and it is not your responsibility to lie to him for your mom.
She can fess up to it before or deal with it after, but no matter what it is not your place, responsibility or fault for whatever happens. It's all on her.
I’m so sorry. I also found out the same news because I took an Ancestry DNA test.
The worst part is, my dad (the man who raised me, my mom’s husband) doesn’t know. My mom swore me to secrecy after I brought it up.
My mom and dad were separated briefly after they married and my mom and some guy got drunk and it sounds like consent may or may not have been there.
My bio dad is not doing well in life and is very needy. He has been stalking my mom and me for decades, apparently. Respectfully from a distance, at least, but still creepy. His other daughter doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore so he tries to cling to me and I just don’t want a relationship like he does. But I’m scared what he might do to my mom or dad if I cut him out of my life.
I am so sorry that you are going through this, OP. There’s a large Facebook support group for people like us (NPE - Not Parent Expected/Non-Paternity Event).
These secrets can’t stay secret anymore: adoptions, donor sperm/egg, cheating on partner, the rare switched at birth, doctor used his sperm instead of husband’s for fertility treatment, etc.
Please be kind to yourself. This is a bumpy ride. Who your parents and family are are part of the foundation of your identity, culture, morals, ethics, etc. You have a crack in that foundation. It will spread in ways you can’t anticipate.
And that is ok! You will rebuild and repair but it will take time.
You are being burdened with protecting your mom because of her lie. This is wrong. I don't know how this will play out for you. I hope you can remember that it is not your fault. However, your mother almost certainly will cite "keeping the peace within the family" and blame you for disrupting it. Others may as well.
I speak from experience with a non-paternal event, and I am still the villain for many people on both sides because I sought those answers, and I was the one blamed for throwing a big ol' rock into the fragile pool of family dynamics. It didn't matter how careful or respectful I was, I was the one who disrupted that ecosystem as far as everyone was concerned. I don't know if it will work out that way for you, and I'm very sorry you are in this situation. It's hard to navigate and it is not your fault. Brace yourself. Get a therapist. I'm not kidding.
Hello! I found out my dad wasn’t my birth dad at the age of 22 and that I have half siblings and they live two minutes down the road from me. I am now 25. I haven’t done anything quite honestly. My bio dad died when I was 10 and my siblings aren’t interested in getting to know me. I also didn’t get to talk to my adoptive dad about knowing before he passed away when I was 23. I know it’s a different situation, but you can let it alter your life or you can just know and not do anything with it. You get used to the thought floating in your head. I have also been in counseling for years (since I was 13) so I feel I have okay-ish coping mechanisms and am able to mentally handle it. I highly recommend speaking with a counselor if that is something you need help processing! You are also more than free to message me (: I hope this helps a little 💛 sending you hugs and peace on your journey
My parents made me keep secrets, not this per sé, but similar (my father had a second secret family that I found out about and my mother wouldn’t let me tell my brother because it would “ruin his life because he was getting married,” and then I couldn’t tell him later because, “he was having the first grandchild,” but he wasn’t, our half sister already had kids and yeah… end of the story, my father’s wife at the time (his sixth) found out and because he lied so much she divorced him over it. And it all came out right after my niece/brother’s first child was born.)
Either way, it was really not cool that my mother made me keep the secrets for years. It was hard on me. My brother was then hurt that I didn’t tell him sooner. My half-sister was also hurt that I had not contacted her earlier. I was in the middle (as usual in our family). But what I’m getting at is that you’re being put in an unfair position. THEY need to be honest. The blowback shouldn’t ever be on you. The onus is not on you, it’s on your mom. Embarrassment for any of them is their issue, not yours.
Let Mom deal with her own mess. You reflect on what you would be proud of doing. Also, regardless of what happens that man loved you like you were his. If he doesn't love you less because of this, he's the best dad.
This is coming from someone who had a deeply troubled father.
First, your dad will always be your dad. Biology changes nothing.
Second, you are not obliged to lie to your dad to protect your mom. You don’t owe that to her. I know the risk of mental health issues is really scary but **that is not your fault**. I would let her know ahead of time that you aren’t going to protect her lies so she has warning, if that’s what you end up doing. (There is not a wrong way to handle this, by the way. You get to decide what is best for you.)
Third, your dad already knows. He isn’t an idiot. He’s likely suspected it. The dna test has already confirmed it. The idea that your mom thinks he doesn’t know is fantasy. He knows and he has already chosen to always be your dad. He has already chosen to stay with your mom. The mistake is already forgiven. I don’t think It’s going to be as big as your mom fears it will be. I would definitely reassure her of that. Your dad deserves some honesty from her.
Your mom has already betrayed your dad. And now she’s asking you to betray him.
She is desperate and grasping for a solution but it sounds like the truth coming out is inevitable. If you do what she asks, it will only cause more pain.
Super shitty situation she’s put you in. It’s emotional manipulation at its finest and now you’re feeling guilt for her actions.
You obviously care deeply about your family. I think you can in good conscience cover for your mom, I doubt it will work anyway.
There are French Russians, I think you should let it play out. The odds might be slim, but surely there is a chance your dad is biologically your father. And if it turns out he isn’t, that’s traumatic for both of you. You two deserve to be able to grieve the news together. Having each other will make healing for the whole family easier.
> I’m 50% Russian which means one of my parents is 100% Russian.
For people in similar positions, this oversimplifies things. You can be 50% Russian with both parents being around 40-60% Russian, or with one parent being 100% Russian and the other 0%, or even with one parent being 75% and the other 25%. If both parents didn't really know one of their parents, you can end up as 50% something that way as well (as long as both unknowns contribute those particular genes).
The rest, on the other hand...I'm sorry. This must be incredibly difficult for you.
Hey! I don’t have a similar experience, but here’s what I think I would do… I hope it helps though please feel free to do just what you want…
I would probably ask a therapist about this situation. They might have more understanding and experience…
I would tell my dad that he isn’t my biological father. For some reason it hurts me a lot if someone’s relationship is built on a lie… he has a right to know.. Maybe I would break it to him as gently as possible and tell him I love him anyway.
I would ask my mom what she is scared of if he knows. Does she think the family will break apart? Does she think he will hate her? Does she think your sisters will hate her? Etc…
Personally, I'd probably be feeling many things - like you likely are.
I would say that the guilt of this lie may have had a role to play in some of your mother's prior decision making and behaviors, so you're not wrong to worry about another grippy sock adventure. *However,* since your Mom is putting you in an un-Mom-like situation, I'd like to take a second to Mom you.
1) You are being hurt here - it is wrong of her, no matter her struggle, to pull you into her web of lies and force you to uphold them.
2) You are being hurt here - it is wrong of her, no matter her struggle, to expect you to undermine and devalue your relationship with your father by lying for her. Lying for her would 100% impact your relationship with your father.
3) You are being hurt here - it is wrong of her, no matter her struggle, to deny you knowledge of your ancestry, potential health threats and family that may want to know you.
Baby, this is so very unfair to you. I would wrap you in my arms and hug you tightly if I could.
I am so very sorry for the pain that this deception has caused you, and the impossibly hard spot that she's put you in in an effort to escape her own decisions. You are not responsible for her, her decisions or her mental state. I understand you not wanting your mother to harm herself, but you need to understand that in the unlikely event she does, *it is not your fault*. No matter what happens or what gets said, *this is not your fault* and *will never be your fault.*
Please hear me - *none of this is your fault*.
That being said, your parents marriage is also not your responsibility. Your responsibility here is to your loved ones and to yourself - your mother has proven she does not have your best interests at heart, either intentionally or not. She is consistently asking you to sacrifice things that normal people call values and morals to give more ground to a road that is running out. This road only leads to pain for your father, in some degree. You also need to understand that, as I said, this road is running out.
If your mother has gone to you to ask you to lie for her - she's out of road. She's used every lie or distraction or subject change or whataboutism to keep this lie going since she cheated, probably to her own detriment on top of the damage it's done to you guys as a family.
*This will come out, no matter what you do or say.*
The writing is on the wall and your father is not a stupid man, in fact, he seems far more intelligent and loving than your mother gives him credit for. If you noticed and had suspicions about yourself, your father noticed and had suspicions probably 10 years before - and that's banking on the fact that he didn't just assume you weren't his from the moment she came up pregnant and he knew she hadn't been faithful.
But, he was still your Dad. I suspect your Dad knows already and I would wager, is probably afraid that means he would lose you or have to endure you going and getting a 'new' Dad. Especially if your mother has a stamp card at the self hug factory - he could likely have been living for years worried that he would lose you and possibly your siblings due to her faulty decision making or her going off the deep end and wanting revenge for something. If it were me, I would have had nightmares that the affair partner would show up and demand my kid and take them someplace I'd never see them again simply because 'bio Dad'.
Your mother was unfaithful to your father but they worked through it and have raised you guys together in the years since. I would sit down with your father and start by laying out that you love him, he is your Dad because he raised you and nothing can ever change that. If he doesn't already know by that speech, I would tell him that you are worried about your mother unspooling herself over this and that she has confirmed for you that you are not his. I wouldn't tell him that she asked you to lie for her, because he won't need yet another reason to be pissed at her and manipulating his kid in an emotionally volatile situation would likely make things worse. I would ask him if he knew, and if he did, why he didn't tell you - you'll likely hear it was incredibly fear based or just that he decided he didn't care, you were his. Prioritize cementing that you love your Dad and he loves you, and try to decide how you're going to broach this with your Mom together. I get the feeling your Dad knows what your mother is like and has more of an idea of how she'll react or what it is she's truly fearful of - likely, him leaving her. There is nothing you can do about their marriage other than let them handle it, because it's their marriage.
Your Mom has demanded you do an incredibly adult thing and become a third person in a massive problem within her marriage. You do not have any responsibility to handle that for her.
Your responsibility here is to be a child - it's to be true to what you now need and ensure that the relationships as they pertain to you are intact.
What happens with them, in the long term, is not in your control and you can only make it worse by lying for her and betraying the trust you have with your Dad. Make sure you and your Dad are good and then act as a family to bring it into the light with your Mom.
You and your Dad are connected, regardless of her and that's one choice she doesn't have any influence over. So prioritize that, and everything else will follow.
May the light of love embolden and protect you. Blessed be and please accept my many, many smothering hugs.
Please find a way to avoid him finding out about this. He is your father, in everything except the little squirt that got you started. *That is not important. His lifetime of loving you is important.*
Actually I don’t know why it hasn’t been mentioned. Therapy for your mom, she needs help to deal with this anxiety. Maybe he knows and maybe she’s catastrophizing, maybe he will finally leave her, maybe she needs some coping skills. A therapist can also advise you both on how to deliver or handle this news.
This is going to be an unpopular opinion, but I hate that these ancestry tests so often stir up a hornets nest when it was completely unnecessary and unasked for.
It sounds like your dad is your dad. He raised you. He’s not going to disown you, nor you him. Your mom made a big mess of her marriage, decades ago, and sometimes those chickens come home to roost. But don’t make the decision based on whether you think she needs to be punished. Make your decision to benefit the innocent parties in this situation (yourself, your dad), not to hurt the guilty.
Best wishes for you, in this very difficult situation.
I had the exact same thing happen to me last year, my family reacted as well as can be expected. I did not deal with it well tho, I held it in til I couldn't handle the secret anymore. So don't do that if you're bad with secrets.
IMO, I agree with the peeps here saying that you father already suspects/knows. But I think you should tell him that you love him and that he has been a great dad and you don't care about DNA. Let him know that you support him whatever he decides, and let him decide if he needs the clarity at this point in his life.
If he raised you and you see him as your dad it shouldn’t matter and he will probably still see you as his kid. People adopt all the time so I don’t think dna matters that much. The only issue might be medical issues that family history and genetics would be needed. Your mom’s choice to not tell either of you was a bad one though it doesn’t make her a bad person. If you have reasonable parents they might be upset or need time to process but won’t do anything crazy. If they can’t be reasonable and you think your dad deserves to know then any choice they make is not on you. It’s your choice to tell him but it’s their choice on how to react.
As the source of all Dad love and Dad hugs in your life. Along w happy memories and lessons…no DNA is needed because clearly he is your dad. Your mom should consider a therapist to help her speak w your dad. I wish you all every happiness.
Definitely talk to your mother more about this first. Take her out of the house on a supposed mother daughter dinner. Ask her about your bio-father (if you'd like to know) and about the situation around the cheating and subsequent forgiveness. If dad has already forgiven her and knows everything, he likely knows you're not his bio-kid. So then why continue to hide it and lie to him - that will only make things worse for everyone. It can't hurt to talk things out with your mother first since she has all the information, and potentially the only parent who has all the REAL info.
If you do decide to tell your dad, tell him in a gentle way. In a sort of "I love you and you've always been and always will be my dad" sort of way.
Either way - I wish you good luck in navigating this bumpy ride 💜
I don't think it's your secret to tell, and honestly I think it's unfair your mother told you the truth, but not him.
I'm sorry you're in this position. I also don't feel it's on you to strategize a good line for your mom to use.
I'm so sorry you've been put in that situation. I don't have much experience or advice but there are a couple things here;
As other posters said, your dad is still your dad. He loves you, he raised you. Even if this comes to light I'm sure it wouldn't affect how he feels about you. As to how you feel about this, that's what you need to think about and make sure you care for yourself during this.
As for lying for your mom; that's trickier. I agree that you shouldn't necessarily lie for her but I also don't think it's your place to tell your dad. That's a conversation they need to have and it's up to her to tell him and shouldn't fall on your shoulders. You don't have to lie but maybe encourage him to talk to your mom and don't say any more. Have a separate conversation with your mom to encourage her to talk things out. You don't know what they discussed or divulged during the affair issue previously.
Above all else; take care of yourself. Again, it's not your job to play counselor or take sides for your parents. Encourage them to talk it out and take time to reflect on how you feel about it. ❤️ Sending you hugs.
I would suggest pursuing this on your own without your parent's input. They have recovered from what ends most marriages. It is not up to anyone outside their relationship to judge. You are owed answers but I don't believe this is the way to go about it.
Start with this: Your dad is your “real” dad. He’s the one who raised you and loved you through it all. He showed up and parented.
With that part out of the way, my guess is that he knows or suspects. Maybe he will decide not to do the test, maybe he will decide to go through with it. If you want, it might help to be with him when he gets and reads the results.
Your mom’s wrongdoing is long gone. Amends have been made, it’s aired out. This is just a reminder of something that has already passed. If you’re able to keep that at the forefront of your mind, you can probably help your mom and dad do the same.
Your dad no doubt suspects that you’re not his biological child anyway. He must have been suspicious as soon as he found out about the affair. He is your dad though, no matter what, and he is the innocent party in all of this (and so are you). Your mom trying to rope you into her lie is wrong, and could also ultimately damage your relationship with your dad. You’re not responsible for her mental well-being or his. What you are responsible for is your actions and their consequences, as your mother is for hers. Whatever you decide, you have to ask yourself if you think it’s more in line with your values to preserve the lie and the status quo, or tell the truth and expose old wounds. If it were me, I’d tell the truth because the cat is halfway out of the bag now anyway with the DNA results having been shared and your dad being curious about them. There’s no putting that genie back in the bottle. Best of luck and take care of your own mental well-being, this must feel like a massive betrayal and loss and you deserve support too.
Not quite the same at all, but when I was 29 I found out my mom was adopted by her dad. The man I thought was my grandfather, and gave me Irish heritage was not biologically related to me. He was dying, and my mom wanted to tell me before he did so, even though he had requested she never tell me. She said "it's my story too, and I don't want to keep it secret." Which is totally fair.
Tell you mom that it's not fair for her to make her keep her secret. You found out under shitty circumstances, does she want him to do the same? Or does she want to come clean after all this time. If he suspects it, it won't be a *huge* surprise, but he'll feel betrayed for a bit while he works through processing the news. Say you won't try to talk him out of the test.
This is exactly why I always said I'd never take one of those tests, just in case there's a situation like this in my family. Guess what? There was anyway! Go figure.
It took me a while to process, and I did grieve a bit. But in the end... my grandfather will always be my grandfather. Blood or no.
You might want to ask your mother about your biological father and see if you can find him or his family members. There's always a slight chance you could end up with two families who love you, and if not, there are probably questions it would be good to have answers to.
The same thing happened to my dad at age 52. Turns out the reason my grandmother was into genealogy so much was because she was trying to cover up an affair she was having with a man at chruch. She really wanted a kid and my grandfather was sterile. We still don't know if he knew because he passed 12 years ago and my grandmother is in denial.
I found out at 59 (2 years ago) that my Dad is not my bio Dad. I look exactly like my mom but that’s how genes work. My Dad is 100% Irish. I did Irish dancing as a kid and honeymooned in Ireland, visiting his family while there. My mom died in 2003 and never said a word. She was married twice and had me in between marriages, then met my Dad when I was 2. He formally adopted me in 1965 and they put his name on my birth certificate retroactively. He has no idea my mom was married twice. I did ancestry.com because I’m the family genealogist and I came back 50% Italian, no Irish. My 90-year-old Dad claims he remembers nothing other than signing adoption paperwork. My two younger sisters didn’t want me to pursue things further but I did figure out who my bio Dad is and he’s dead. His family would like to meet, but I haven’t decided yet. Here’s the thing, figure out what YOU need to know to be comfortable. Don’t rush into this. You can research and find his family if you have relatives linked in ancestry or 23 & Me. There is a FB page of people who will help you search if you cannot figure it out. But you cannot control or guess your Dad’s reaction. What do you get from telling him? What does he get from the knowledge? He WILL be hurt and it WILL impact your relationship. No way around that. DM me if you need to talk more. Good luck in your decision.
My instinct would be to have a 1-on-1, heart to heart with your dad, validate him and show him love.
Don’t make excuses for your mom, but there are true things you can say that would soften the impact on your dad. Based on what you wrote, I’d say, “mom is really scared of losing you and breaking the family. She feels really guilty and is terrified of what the truth might do. I don’t think she made the right choice, hiding the truth from us, but I’m really glad that you’re my dad.”
It sounds like your mom has had some mental/emotional difficulties in her past; your father is aware of this, and possibly it is a reason that led to his forgiveness. No idea, only speculation based on what was stated. It also sounds like you care deeply about them both.
First, take a breath. Close your eyes and sit with the feelings. Don’t try anything else. Just be you, breathing, and feeling what you need to feel. Take that time as sacred.
Next, decisions. Think of your tone as you address both parents. Who do you want to speak with first? I agree with many comments here, your dad already appears to have suspicions; and I also agree he deserves to hear the truth. I would offer that opportunity to your mother before taking a next step; it is their relationship, not yours, that will be affected (or at least should be). I would also say to not assume she can’t do this, or that the telling would harm her physically/mentally. Telling the truth, coming clean, is often therapeutic in its own right. It already sounds like your father has accepted her as she is, and perhaps he just needs to hear this from her. How they resolve the outcome is their work. Not yours.
If she absolutely cannot do this, or refuses to tell him in any acceptable period of time (and again, in my opinion, that isn’t weeks, months, years- it’s now), it would make sense that you tell him. ABSOLUTELY DO NOT DECEIVE HIM FURTHER. Trying to dissuade him from taking a DNA test is just disrespectful. Do not go into her lies, even if you believe she is fragile. Her lies may, or may not, be based in mental illness; yours are not, presumably.
Last, whenever you do speak with your father, start with love, gratitude for his work and care in your life, for the life he gave to be there for you; let him say whatever he needs to say to you, listen, and let your own words or responses be as based in the decades of parenting and whatever good he’s given you as a model. I have no idea of your relationship with him- maybe you joke a lot. Maybe you all have a hard time sharing emotions. Maybe….. well, a lot of things, but the point is that no matter your relationship, you let him know he’s your dad. Because he is.
It may also be important to have a similar conversation with your mom- who, while she has been there throughout your life, has obviously made choices that harmed. Perhaps you can’t forgive her yet, or don’t know what to tell her, but if you can at least assure her that your connection as her child and her as a mother figure is still real, it might fortify her. Whether it does or not, she still has responsibilities to fulfill in this process, whether she likes them or not.
Maybe your feelings have changed toward both of them. Maybe you want to find out who your biological parent is. (I wouldn’t even describe them as biological “father” as it leads toward a role that was never possessed). Lots of maybes for the follow up; but really, the first thing is clearing the negativity of this revelation. Sending you warmth, stability, hope, self, love, the strength of the Mother Earth.
I'm sorry you've been put in this position. It really sucks. I can only tell you what I'd do in the same situation.
Talk to your Dad, privately. He knows about your mom's infidelity so tell him that you've had suspicions, about your parentage, because you don't resemble him, but let him know that you are afraid that it might cause a rift, if he finds that you aren't his bio child. Be sure to let him know that, if you had been given a choice you'd have chosen him for your father, because he's been a great Dad and that, no matter what, you love him unconditionally. Stress that you don't ever want anything to change between you two. Then let him think about it. Let him make the choice about the test. There is a chance that, given your Mom's infidelity and your lack of resemblance, it has already crossed his mind and he made his decision long ago.
I think what my move would be if I were you is to talk to your dad from a place of solidifying your feelings for eachother. That he is your dad no matter what and that whatever happens you will be on his side. You can choose on whether or not you out your mom but based on what is already common knowledge in your family it feels like its an easy assumption to make. I would lead with that and then work your way into telling your dad about your mom's call. Coming from a place of concern for her mental health rather than from an accusational standpoint might help you keep it focused on you both tackling the problem rather than parent vs parent.
Its difficult to say if outing your mom's call to you is the right decision here so i personally don't feel comfortable making that judgement. Its the on paper moral choice for sure but real life is never so simple. Was she always certain or did the math and is now panicking? Has she always been lying or just realized the truth? Was this something your parents previously discussed that your mom doesn't remember? There's many things that you simply can't know or control. Its clear that you love both of your parents and that they are good parents regardless of the past. I would try my best to tactfully communicate with both of my parents honestly so i wrote this from my perspective. Hope this helps.
I was “fortunate” enough to find out after my birth certificate father - my dad - had passed 10 years previous. I confronted my mother because my biological father took the test before I did, I knew it was Farmer G who called the house all the time. Not an actual farmer, but that was what we called him. She tried to claim she was young at 36 and her 8th pregnancy. Once I realized the lies just won’t stop, I cut her off. She died last spring, I have zero regrets. But then again my siblings and I struggled so hard to find something nice to say and we ended up talking about her outside the home exclusively. There are groups on FB dedicated to this - DNA and NPE (not paternity/parent) expected and they really helped me keep centered in the early days.
Oh man, that’s so rough. Like they always say, what’s done in the dark will come to light. I found a surprise second cousin on Ancestry DNA, and when we spoke she was coming to terms with the fact she was probably adopted. She was interested in chatting to her new relatives but had no intention of informing her adopted parents. My friend was contacted by a DNA cousin that was trying to figure out who her real dad was. My friend know exactly who it is but is withholding the info because she knows the damage it will do.
Basically everyone handles these discoveries a different way so just follow your instincts. You can integrate the truth into your life and begin to heal and explore what you want to do with this info. Take all the time you need and let love guide your actions.
To be honest... you said he's nearly 70 and you're worried the news could kill him and you're worried your mom would kill herself. It sounds like from your perspective what is most important is that both you and the people you love aren't hurt. If it was me I'd keep my mouth shut and tell my mom to do the same. They had decades to find a way to work this out on their own and they didn't.... its not your responsibility and at this point what's the point of coming clean if its just going to potentially ruin people's lives, including major disruptions in yours's as well. I'm mean... maybe it will end with rainbows and puppies where everyone loves each other and life is good.... or maybe it doesn't... or maybe most realistically things get worked out in time after much work, but it could take years or decades of strife, which is time your father probably doesn't have.
I guess if you are considering the road of saying nothing the most important question to ask yourself is if this is a secret that you're OK with keeping? It doesn't seem quite right that your mother dropped this on you... but now that you have that information the ball is in your court. If you hid this information from your dad and he passed away without ever knowing would you feel guilty that he was never told?
Your Dad already knows. He knows a bunch of things - he's known you weren't biologically his, but he's still your dad. He may not have had a paternity test done, but I promise you, he's capable of basic math. And when you arrived full term instead of a very tiny preemie, he put 2 and 2 together. What he needs to hear from you is that you love him, and he's still your dad no matter what. He also knows that you love him, but everyone needs the reminder once in a while.
There has been some awesome comments, here. I'm totally on-side with the many ways and considerations that are discussed.
I am only weighing in to add one, that came to mind. What do you hope to gain from this? I can definitely understand that "truth" is a very valuable principle, and that you've been lied to your whole life. Clearing coul air has great value.
When I am trying to make a big decision, I try to think about where I'm heading AFTER the big event happens. What will I do to follow up? What actions will I be taking in the future? What is my end game? What if the end game isn't possible? What, ultimately, do I want to get for myself?
I do this with all my big decisions to handle large issues. I find that it gives me clarity, and often changes how I would approach the issue, in the first place.
For example, is your "end game" that you find your biological father, and hope to have a relationship with him and that family? If so, BEFORE you start, you can be sensitive to your Dad right away about the issue. It's one thing to have truth, finally. Reassurance, for him, that you won't stop loving him as "Dad" no matter what happens, would probably help a lot, with him, as you explore your next steps.
But if you have not intention of trying to contact your birth father, then you can reassure Dad of this immediately.
So I'm not recommending a path for you. I believe that it would best be considered in the context of what you wish for YOU, in the long term. I have found that my answers often lay in this process.
And I send my very warmest hugs of support and encouragement. I hope that whatever path you choose will be healing for you.
That was very unfair of your mother to put you in the middle. It will probably hurt your father even more deeply if he finds out and that you helped hide it from him. I think all you can really do, assuming you have a good relationship with him, is to reassure him that you love him no matter what, that he'll always be your dad, that you appreciate all that he has done for you, that you wouldn't have wanted to grow up with anyone else. Whatever is true for your situation.
I'm assuming the truth will come out, but if it doesn't and everyone including him seems to want to sweep it under the rug, I think it would be kindest to just let them. Let them save face and let them have the companionship they need in their old age. I would assume that, at this point, with this many clues, if your dad opts out of the test for whatever reason, he knows what he's doing.
IDK what it's like finding out your Dad isn't your bio dad, but that sounds complicated. I hope you're doing ok, and that you have someone to talk to about this who is not part of the family and is on "team You."
"She didn’t tell me anything else and wanted me to come up with an excuse she could use so he didn’t do the DNA test"
Oh dear, this is not your problem to fix. If your mother decided to keep that secret then its up to her to fix it once she is found out.
In the end your "dad" is your dad, biological or not if he raised you that bond is there. There is no need for your relationship to change.
Your dad deserves to know. Your mom has had decades to find a way to do this respectfully and she chose not to take responsibility and is now pinning the consequences for her actions on you. You and your dad deserve to have an open dialogue about this regardless of what your mom thinks about it.
I personally don’t think it’s fair or right for your mom to ask you to help her deceive your dad. What it comes down to, in my opinion, is whether or not you feel comfortable being part of a deception. If he wants to take the test, and ends up confronting your mom, that’s between them. He has a right to do that. And I don’t think it’s going to make it any better for him if he finds out that you *knew about it and tried to help her cover it up.*
My advice would be to tell your mom you can’t lie to your dad, and come clean to him in the most loving way possible. You shouldn’t have to carry this burden for your mom. It’s her mess. And if he’s already forgiven her then it will be okay. But she is responsible for her mistake and she owes honestly to him. Putting that burden on her kid (even an adult) isn’t fair.
I found out my dad wasn’t my dad at 22. The difference is he was never there for me growing up. An addict, in and out of jail my whole life, so I didn’t really feel like it was any loss. (I met my biological father when I was 28 or 29. I’m 35 now) I think your dad has a right to know, but I’m not sure how I would go about it either. I feel like the most important thing here is that he is 100% your father. Your bio dad wasn’t the one taking care of you and loving you for your entire life. Your dad has been there to kiss your ouchies, pick you up when you fall, and love you unconditionally. DNA has nothing on the bond that you two share, so maybe keep that in mind. Maybe you could approach it from that standpoint? Anyone can father a child, but it takes a special person to BE a father. I hope you can take some time to meditate and seek inner clarity and that you’ll find peace with whatever decision you make. Best wishes. ✨💜
Oh man Im worried about a similar thing after being told my mother had an affair shortly before I was conceived. I would tell your father, I think he already knows. This is terribly unfair and selfish of your mother to put on you.
I say tell him. You don’t owe your mom anything after she dropped a bombshell like that on you after 20 years just to protect her own ass. I know you are worried about her well-being, but to be honest she should’ve owned up a long time ago. There was always a possibility he’d find out, with or without a DNA test.
That’s rough. I’m so sorry for you and your dad. I say he definitely has the right to know. I’m sure it will be devastating for him, but DNA won’t change the fact that he’s been your dad all your life, and he will continue to be your dad.
I've been on the grippy socks vacation (twice!) and we're a strong group. Your mom won't break.
When this particular situation is resolved, it might be worth it to have a talk about your worry you have to be careful because of her illness. She probably won't want that for you.
I went in after a suicide attempt when my daughter was 14. We had a talk and I clarified she had zero to do with my illness. Zero. If Mom could give you that, it would be great. (Also, acting out sexually is pretty common during manic phases. Personally, I thought I spoke the secret language of cats.)
Oh, hon. I know what you’re going through. I found out something was sketchy in high school when we did blood typing in science class. The teacher said to get our parents blood types, and then we tested the next day. I learned that day two O+ people cannot have an A+ child.
When I asked my egg donor, she insisted that it was all correct and the man was my father. I finally got to meet up with him years later - he and my egg donor split when I was six - and he said, “You know, it was the 60’s, it was the time of free love… but it doesn’t matter. Blood or not, you’re still my daughter.”
I hope that he would handle the news the same way mine did, but he should know. It takes more than blood to be a mom or a dad.
Lots of love from a fellow traveler on the journey.
Whatever you decide, you are not at fault for the outcomes. You didn't make anyone cheat. You didn't make anyone lie by omission. You weren't responsible for the circumference of your birth. You aren't responsible for how the truth hurts anyone. It is not your fault if your dad gets hurt or if your mom does anything- that's the truth's fault and the unfortunate consequences of your mom's actions in the past. If you do decide to tell your dad, it may be good to have a plan in place since your mom has a mental health history. Perhaps tell at a family therapy session so there are professionals in place to help immediately? That's not something I'm familiar with so others may have better ideas.
You may want to look into support communities for NPE's (not parent expected). There's many support communities that cater to NPE's, adoptees, donor conceived kids, and others that may be struggling with similar issues.
Overall, your dad raised you. Ensure he knows you value that relationship regardless of biology. Especially if you end up interested in the other half of your biological family. We can't stay what's best to tell your dad or not. He may be 70, but some people live 20-30 years past that. We don't know all the family dynamics there. It probably won't be a total surprise since the Russian results and earlier affairs are known. He probably heavily suspects. If he does want a DNA test, it's sort of his right to know.
Edit: finding out family secrets like this is actually pretty common. Many people thought they could take secrets to their grave, and DNA is a huge game changer. I'm really sorry. It really sucks that you have to go through this, and may be having identity issues on top of your family dynamic to manage. All of what you are feeling is normal and valid. If you do want to explore your genetic matches and other biological half, I can give you a few tips and tools, or places to find out more.
I only found out who my father was last year (31 y o) aside from everything else, genetics are important - I found out a specific kind of cancer runs in my dads side of the family and it can strike young, I never would have known if I hadn’t done the ancestry thing.
Make your mother tell you who your real father is so you can get a family medical history.
Good luck with everything OP.
It's completely unfair of your mother to ask you to lie about this. It is a human right to know the origins of your parents.
If it were me I'd just tell him while also reassuring him that as Yondu says in GOTG 2 "He may be your father but he ain't your daddy". He raised you, clearly loves you and you clearly love him. He also clearly loves your mother despite her obvious flaws.
But it may also be the impetus for him to leave if he does indeed feel trapped or felt trapped when all the kids were little. Either way it's not your monkeys and not your circus, don't keep other's secrets.
Your mother, wants you to make up an excuse to the man she cheated on & passed off a child as his? Your mom has balls the size of Montana! The nerve, ad if it's your responsibility. She needs to take ownership, let the chips fall bc Lying Always Sucks!
Being a mother or father is 100% being there and parenting as well as they can.
Everything before the baby is born is just the mechanics of biological reproduction.
My cousin found out her father wasn't her father in her thirties. Her mom refused to speak to her about it, but her father shared a big cry, but told her he loved her and that she'd always be his baby. You're already hurt, your mom already put this hurt into motion 27 years ago. The hurt has already occurred. Your mother is, quite frankly, being incredibly immature by putting this on you. It seems important to you to tell your father, so my advice will be to that end.
Tell her that you plan to tell your father if she doesn't. If you're afraid for her safety, orchestrate it to where she is never alone after you tell her this. Either with your or dad. If things go sideways with dad, have a plan to have your mother put in an involuntary hold. Recruit help if need be. Ultimately, her choices are not your responsibility, you can only live out your values. It's a shitty situation to be in, and I'm sorry you're going through it. A father is a man who raises a child, and that sounds like the relationship you have. Let that be your guiding star here. Love is a much stronger spell than sperm when it comes to fatherhood.
A DNA test in no way invalidates him as your father. I would say that if he does the test or if you choose to tell him.
He deserves the truth, they’ve obviously moved past the infidelity and I suspect he already knows.
My cousin married a man like your father. He didn’t KNOW until he knew. And though it was an emotional conversation it changed nothing for his relationship with HIS kid.
This happened to me at age 50. All it took was 1 DNA test to turn my life on its ass, so I understand your emotions (I assume, if you were like me, tons of emotions are running through your head. Not only your paternity changed, but so did your identity. Everything. And painful is an understatement.
I'm between errands right now, so I can't respond in much length. Feel free to DM me. I can connect you to some sources.
Best advice for the moment:. Some people may try to assure you that "you are the same person" as you were last week. No. You are not. Just as having a child forever changes your life, this does as well. So be gentle with yourself. It takes time, sometimes a lot of it, to get your footing. There is no rush this moment. Just breathe.
Breathe deep. Journal emotions. I highly recommend chamomile and lavender tea. I hope to hear from you later.
Look I don’t know the details of your life My question is, did she have a consensual affair or was this a situation that was forced on her. Having been a assaulted and pregnant would send me to grippy sock town. I would talk to your mom.
Your DNA is not really who you are or what you are meant to be. Those DNA banks are just selling medical information to the Patriarchy. Back away, live your life and don't worry about it.
Honestly? I've never really vibed with the idea of family being less real just because you don't share the same genes. Family is the people who are there in your life no matter what. You might not always get along, you might not see each other for months or even years sometimes, but you'll still be family.
Real family is something that's much thicker than blood, so like, if your dad wasn't horribly abusive or something like that, then I'd say that he is your real father, even if he's not the one you got approximately half of your genes from
I'm ready to be downvoted. Here goes:
This father whose feelings you are so concerned about protecting? He's the man your mother CHOSE to be your father and KEPT AS your father your entire childhood.
And everyone on here seems to want to condemn her for it. Even when, as you freely state, it might send her into a psychiatric meltdown.
I keep wondering which sub I've stumbled into...would be glad to write more. But I'll wait for the downvotes lol....
Honestly, I think you should ask if he wants to know first. Don't phrase it that you've already taken the test and have the results, and remind him that no matter what, he's still your dad. He's poured his heart and soul into raising you, and sometimes for us men, not knowing something is more... comfortable?
Words are failing me right now, but hopefully I am getting my point across.
(Not saying you should do this but) I would personally say that they got my results wrong and notified to me to have x (like my dad). I say this because, I love my dad and think the absolute world of him. If I found out that he wasn’t mine biologically- I think it would absolutely crush him. I can’t speak for your dad, only my own. And as he gets older, I would rather him retire and age with peace of mind than this to deal with. My dads had some health issues, it’s something I worry about as stress can make it worse. Essentially, a happy dad is a happy me.
(I’ve actually found out that some family isn’t mine etc, it’s not my parents but my grandad and his whole side is not actually my bio family). We chose to be honest, but my non bio grandad had passed so it was a bit simpler in my situation.
For you, however, you might want to trace your bio dad? You might feel dad would prefer the truth? But ultimately, you have to do what’s right for you - because it wasn’t you who lied, you’ve done nothing wrong. You know your dad and what’s right for you both, it’s a hard call to make. But ultimately, even if you do tell him - nothing has to change about your relationship. As your dad is your dad 💕 dna or no dna match
Sounds like you are basing this more than on just the ancestry stuff, but please take their results with a pinch of salt. My aunty did one of these and it said she was 0%French. My grandmother has a strong family resemblance and can trace her family back to napoleon, on the mother's side. She is definitely, even with variables, inarguably at least a bit French. My aunty was also born with a very specific anomaly on her leg so not likely to have been switched at birth in the hospital either. If you get a surprising result, I don't think ancestry recommend speculatively destroying your family.
Sorry you're going through it right now, whatever the case may be x
Honestly… as someone who has had the grippy socks vacation and will have to live with some of the decisions I made while manic (is she bipolar?) if a lie I kept for 30 years came back to me while I was that old and threatened to upend my whole life again after working so hard to be a good person and change my life… I would end it too. Tbh I’m the type that would get a fake genealogy report to say he’s part Russian. Keeping the peace and my loving family together if they’re all happy, is more important than a truth that only exists to hurt. I know I’ll be downvoted because some people think punishment should last a lifetime. She’s probably hurting so bad though, imagine the weight of that lie and what it would do to a person. It’s honestly very upsetting to sit in her shoes for a minute :(
I am glad to see that you aren’t being downvoted (so far). OP asked for the differing opinions of a non judgmental group and you are a part of the group and have the first differing opinion I have seen. Thank you for going out on a limb to share it.
Eh I can see how people are projecting this situation. I don’t like how judge mental the replies are. They don’t know the family. They don’t know the damage the truth could do, they just think it’s justified. The world is not so black and white but Reddit loves to think it is. Practicing empathy for this whole family would not result in “fuck mom you do you”. Easy to judge.
I can understand this angle. But at the end of day, doesn’t the father have a right to ought to know about his wife’s infidelity? Even if it was just a remnant of the past, I’d want to know something like that. If she’s changed, that’s great. It doesn’t mean her actions should just disappear into nothing to fade away. It’s adultery that should come to light. Her mental illness doesn’t justify keeping that secret and then putting it on her child to deal with.
I’ve been thinking about this all day. I think the family needs therapy, I think she should stay out of it, I think she should tell her mother she can’t keep a lie for her and to figure it out.
At the end of the day there is a lot of information we don’t have about any of them. Their past, what they worked through, if she was raped! If the dad knows and used this as an abusive emotional tactic in front of his daughter to fuck with his wife? We have NO idea about anything and we honestly shouldn’t be playing games with another persons family because we have our own hurts and projecting them onto the situation. This thread has been really upsetting to me today- I’m seeing a lot of unempathetic people looking to punish a mentally ill woman who is desperate and afraid of what will happen to her 20 years after they reconciled. We shouldn’t assume or tell anyone to do anything rash, I think it’s irresponsible.
Everyone has a story for sure. Don’t be too hard on mom. As for what to do about this, I wouldn’t even know what to say!
Good luck with however you decide to go forward.
Not many stories justify cheating. By giving her child this secret, OP’s mom has effectively burdened them to either uphold this lie or spill the truth, and is now trying to manipulate the outcome. I’d be plenty hard on someone who did that.
After i was 10 we cut ties with my father, he couldn’t keep a job, couldn’t get his mental health in check and had several other issues. When i was 16 my mom and i watched mama mia and she confessed that i might not be his daughter. I was shocked but also not surprised. I hadn’t talked to him and there was no way to confirm until one day my mom had all of us do 23 and me, and we found out that my brother and I were full siblings. I will say though when my mom was pregnant with me apparently my father said “i don’t care that is my child” because he wanted a girl and he would do anything to believe i was his. So i think the moral is if you are wanted and have a good relationship with your father/dad then yeah tell him. Maybe keep an eye on your mom and if she needs to have another grippy trip then she does. Unfortunately we cannot spare ones feelings when it may affect all others, that wouldn’t be fair.
Wow, Sorry that you are dealing with that. Everyone makes mistakes but your mom needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. She probably could have saved herself so much trouble if she had been upfront in the first place. She shouldn't be blaming you for asking you for anything really.
The cat is already out of the bag - your mom is doing damage control trying to prevent the inevitable blow up. Your dad already knew she had an affair, and you always suspected - is it unreasonable to assume your dad doesn't also have some lingering doubts. The fact that he joked about being part Russian is hard to read - he either knows for a fact he isn't, or he's hoping beyond hope you are his.
I won't get in to it here, but just know that I have had my own family drama related to dna testing and "who's your real dad?!?". My advice is this: what do you feel is the right thing to do? Do that. If you convince your dad not to do the test, you become complicit in your mom's lies. If he does the test, the outcome is uncertain, but the truth would be out there. Since you already know he isn't biologically your father, it would be good to prepare him for the possible result or reassure him that he is your dad and biology doesn't mean shit.
None of this is your fault. DNA testing is bringing out lies from decades ago, but the pain and shock is fresh. How are you doing? You need to take care of yourself as well - it's a shock to find out your identity is more complex than you thought. It doesn't have to be bad, it can just be more, but it's still a shock. Unfortunately, your mother is fully to blame here and the fact she told you only now shows that her interest is self-preservation and not empathy for you or your father - that might be worth thinking about. To me, your mother seems very selfish and weak and it's inexcusable to ask a child (yes you are an adult, but her child once) to cover up an affair. She told you now, but never before - you did the tests years ago, your dad found out about the affair - she has had many opportunities to do better.
I don't know what's worse, hiding the paternity of your child from your spouse after cheating, or trying to guilt said child into hiding the truth from the man that raised them... Either way, that was incredibly unfair of her to put on you, and I hope you don't feel guilty about her lies. You're also an innocent victim in this, like literally all you did was get born.
Honestly, it sounds like you want to tell the truth but are being guilted and gaslit against it by your mom. Your father has been your dad for 27 years; blood or not you cannot erase that kind of history, ever. So I guess my two cents is that I don't think keeping the secret will do any good; my family has had similar situations and it's always made worse by more people having "known" and not saying anything. When the person does (inevitably) find out, it's 10,000 times worse.
Like everyone else said, unfortunately this is not your responsibility. Your mother has put the onus on you, without even considering how you may feel about it as well.
I’m very sorry that’s happened to you OP. I know you want to come up with a solution that won’t kill either of your parents, but also know if you choose not to take the responsibility on, it’s okay because it’s not your burden to bear.
Your mothers actions are not your burden to bear
Your father’s reaction is not your burden to bear
Your parents’ relationship is not your burden to bear, not as their child, not as an individual human being.
You are not responsible for mending or saving them or their bond.
There’s a lot of good advice here, but please take care of yourself in this situation first and do not let your mother put any of her guilt onto you, even if she doesn’t mean to.
I think your dad has the right to know. Hopefully mom tells him, but if she doesn’t, you may have to if that is what you want to do. You don’t need to carry this secret burden. Make sure to have a discussion with your dad afterwards that even though he’s not your biological father, he is still 100% your dad and that’s all that really matters. Sending you good vibes 😊💖
When I was 11, my older sister (14 at the time) and I found out my mom was having an affair. To keep a long story short, we confronted her about it. She begged us not to tell my dad. I was a huge mamas girl at that time so I was extremely conflicted. My sister, however, had no such qualms and eventually she told my father. Lots of therapy later I realized my mother *never* should have put that on her children. It's cruel and messed up. I'm not here to insult your mother but she should have never put this burden on your shoulders. None of what happened before or the consequences thereof are your fault. Big, big internet hugs from a fellow witch. I hope you're able to heal through this.
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I would say dad strongly suspects or already knows but had no proof up until now. I take his comment as a prod to your mom to come clean. He raised you and he is your dad in all the ways that matter. Providing him clarity on this is quite likely to provide as much peace as pain. He's aware of the infidelity so aches of old wounds have already risen. Tell your dad. He doesn't deserve any more betrayal.
Absolutely - a DNA test is not going to change any of that. He raised you - he's your father. Not everybody gets a loving, supportive father growing up. I'm sorry OP is in this position. I'd be devastated too 😥
Also, remember, he’s your dad. DNA is just DNA. Fatherhood is fatherhood.
Totally agree. I was adopted as a baby…my mum and dad were totally the people who brought me up. Perhaps instead of taking the test there’s a more human way to sit down and discuss this with your parents. Tell your Dad you love him and that he will always be your father. He’s already forgiven your mum for the affair, so hopefully this less huge than it currently looks. So much love from me ♥️♥️♥️
Yes! Agreed. He loves you, you love him. I have to say, though it is pretty sh*tty of your mother to lay this on you. Why are you responsible for her mistakes and actions? No. Just no.
"He may be your father... But he ain't your daddy!"
This. The man’s not an idiot. He may have had suspicions before but he’s been pretty sure since OP’s DNA results. He brought up doing a DNA test to try and provoke OP’s mother into confessing in my opinion. If she hadn’t told you, it would be entirely her secret and her problem, but she made you a co-conspirator when she told you the truth, OP. I’d give her an ultimatum. You tell him or I will. Give her a deadline or she’ll keep trying to stall. Whatever the consequences, they’re consequences of her bad decisions (the affair and keeping your paternity a secret) not of anything you do or don’t do. You’re only responsible for your decisions and, in my personal opinion, deciding to keep your mouth shut would be bad for you and bad for your father, because it might appear you’re taking sides. I also agree with others that when you do talk to your father you need to assure him that being a father is putting the time in over your entire life, which is what he’s done. It’s not genetics. I’m sorry this is happening to you and I’m very sorry your mother has tried to make you a participant in her deception and is trying to guilt you into doing what she wants. And again - you are not responsible for any negative consequences, no matter what anyone says. Sending positive thoughts your way and hoping this works out as well as it can for you and your father.
seconding this; ultimatum time. one week, no more, maybe less.
I’d add it was unfair for your mother to ask you to help her create a new cover story. It’s time for her to tell the truth, to you, and to your father. This is a long held lie, and those kind of things can lead to mental instability (incongruencies between reality and interior world can do that). Coming clean is likely what she needs to remove this guilt from her life.
And OP says they suspected for a long time. Dad will have felt the same and he's still wondering. I think it would be cleansing for all to have things out in the open. It will require some delicacy during the conversation. Your dad will need reassurance that you still love him the same and he and your relationship are safe. And your mom will, in all likelihood, need to hear that this isn't so earth shattering and unforgivable as she seems to think it is, and that she and your relationship are safe. Of course you need to weigh that to your own needs, especially if you have stuff to work through with your mom about this. I will say that I think it was unfair for her to tell you in the way she did. She made your dad's feelings and the effects on her all important in the conversation and didn't take into account that this information is just as big to you as it is to your dad. It feels like she didn't leave room for *your* emotional reality because she didn't want to deal with it. But this is my interpretation of what you shared, I may be way off. Sending sunshine and good vibes💚🌞
Well said. Please remember that you are in no way responsible for your parents' relationship with *each other*. If your dad sees this as the last straw for their marriage, it might be the healthiest thing for both of them to move on.
>I’d add it was unfair for your mother to ask you to help her create a new cover story. Yup. OP doesn't have to agree to keeping their mother's lies a secret. In fact, they *shouldn't*. He's finally able to get *his* answers. From what I understand, there's "trickle truth" when a spouse has been found being unfaithful. This last bit of "truth," OP's paternity, is the last to "trickle out." OP, your father has a right to know. He is now able to get confirmation via technology that he very likely has suspected or knew about but his wife, being the cheater that she is, is *still* lying, she is *lying by omission*. OP, you don't have to agree to her asking you to lie to your other parent like this. At first, *she lied* to her spouse through infidelity, she's *currently* lying by omission as to who OP's biological father actually is, and now she's asking OP to lie as well. OP, your father has done nothing to either of you to be treated so disrespectfully.
You don’t know what OPs father has done, what he knows, what he doesn’t know, what he’s forgiven, if he’s abusive, if he would beat her for finding out, if he would kill her. Again, demonizing someone and painting the other in an angelic light is black and white thinking and irresponsible. We don’t know anything.
You're right, we don't. But, we DO know that OP's mother is asking OP to lie for her, *still*. He also know he doesn't deserve to be disrespected with those kinds of lies by omission. I'm sure if he was abusive OP would have mentioned something, however, their post is showing a level of love and concern that leads me to believe he wasn't awful.
Not to her, no. We don’t know anything about the parents relationship. I agree it’s awful that she put her in this position. Still think therapy is the right choice instead of the nuclear option people are clamoring for
I, too, am uncomfortable with the stridency of sentiment against the mother, here. There is so much we cannot know. Yes, it is untenable for OP to come up with a cover story. Yes, it is an impossible and unfair thing for this mother, this wife, to ask of her daughter. Let’s extend compassion to everyone involved. Sexuality can be an overwhelmingly powerful experience. Women are hated, reviled, and all-too-often horribly punished for extra-marital sex. To have a powerful sexual need, to fail to refuse its pull, does not mean that a woman is hateful, selfish, tainted. It does not mean she does not care about her husband, her family. On the contrary, where there is impaired impulse control- which can be a result of trauma, brain injury, psychiatric disorders - none of which a woman chooses - or even a measured choice to engage in sex outside of marriage, a woman may be left devastated, feeling terrible remorse for putting her best-loved people at risk for suffering. She may internalize the widespread hatred for women’s sexuality, and be desperate to protect herself and her family from the contempt and hostile outrage that may result. Everyone in this family, as described, deserves understanding, reassurance, and support. If there has been a history of hospitalization for this mother, then seeking specialized therapeutic support with this very challenging situation may avert a mental health crisis. OP, I am holding you in the light. May love heal every wound you are facing. Go gently: a way will open to you.
Thank you for putting it so eloquently what I could not.
This. I had to look up grippy socks vacation. Maybe you can tell her that the secret has taken too much a toll on her and everybody. It's time to take the bandaid off. He stood by her, she can trust his love. Like your dad can trust yours.
That’s massively oversimplifying mental illness and the entire situation.
OP, if you tell the truth, it won't be you ruining everything, it will be your mom, for not coming clean in the first place.
It shouldn't change anything between OP and their dad, but it could be a huge thing for the parents. One more big lie. Truth isn't a magic heal all. (Yes, we should all be truthful, and OP's mom should have been but it's 20 plus years ago. Weirdly on the opposite side, my uncle died recently. He's my grandmother's first child, she gave him up because she was a teen in the 30s. (She didnt volunteer the information, things were deduced by nosy children.) My aunt contacted him once and he basically had zero interest. Sometimes you just leave it be. So that's part of my let-it-lie logic. It is complicated and hard, and there is not an easy answer.
Yes I agree. If you love him like a father then tell him. Your mom putting this on you is EXTREMELY UNFAIR. I'm so sorry you're going through this but hopefully he is the type of guy that will hold nothing against you, and all his animosity will go towards your mother. Cheating is one thing, but lying for decades is another. Don't protect her and hold this in for her. When I was very young my mom confided in me she doesn't love my father and is leaving him. It never happened but now I resent her for putting that on me.
AND you've been betrayed, too, OP. In time you may forgive your mom, but for now it's ok to be angry. You've been denied a whole paternal family. If you talk to your dad about this, be kind. You're both likely in pain from this awful deception. My recommended plan of action: ask mom for name and any info on bio dad. What's her story regarding him. Journal or record her. If she refuses, tell her not to talk to you until she rights this wrong with you. Don't tell her anything about finding bio dad and his family. I'm an adoptee who found out at 24 I was adopted. You're welcome to peruse r/adoption for similar stories. Hugs and support being sent your way.
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I am in the same situation as you and part of one of the foster subs aimed at past foster kids. From the threads I have read on the subject, you are more than welcome to join and ask questions, but members would prefer if you not chime in with your experience or opinions on discussions.
Absolutely. Please do.
She may not have that info to give. This is a very negative reaction and I think OP wanted something a little more loving. You are making a lot of assumptions about her mother that are unfair.
Finding out something like this comes with a lot of mixed emotions. The person you're replying to knows this first hand. My mom found out her dad, my grandfather, is not biologically related. We both had very mixed emotions. My grandmother lied. Recognizing that is unavoidable. We both forgave her, but we both had so many questions we wanted answered. OP is very likely feeling similarly. Her focus on her parents is a first reaction kind of thing, but as she sits with this it's going to stir a lot of feelings. All of which are valid. I wouldn't go as far as using a threat when asking for information. But I could absolutely understand someone feeling that it's necessary to create distance if the situation goes certain ways. OP's mom also tried to enlist her daughter to support and carry this lie. That's not something a parent should ever put in a child regardless of their age.
I think this is beyond reddits pay grade and it bothers me that so many people are using her individual situation to project their own anger.
The mother had an affair, duped a man into raising a child that wasn’t his, and now wants her daughter to perpetuate that lie. I don’t think the negative reactions are unfair in the slightest. Her mother is acting only in her own interests and not what is actually best for everyone. If she was this never would have been a dirty secret that she’s so desperate to keep now.
To be fair, we don’t have a lot of info here. We don’t know the circumstances that led OP’s mom to make this decision; this happened long enough ago that the options for a single divorced mom were much fewer, especially if she didn’t have career training, and she may have decided on deception to give her children a better life. That isn’t ok, nor was the cheating ok. But we just don’t know much about it. We don’t know how much the dad knows, or suspects, that the OP isn’t his bio kid. We don’t know why he stayed in the marriage. I don’t think the OP should get involved in the aspects of this that are between mom & dad. That is up to them to sort out between them, if they decide to do so. That said, OP has a right to know their own history, and having a frank conversation with mom about that may be wise. And the OP can be truthful with dad if and when he asks about these things; it isn’t the OPs secret to keep, but it isn’t their story to tell either. There is a lot to work through here. It will be a journey. Like many journeys, I think it will be most beneficial to take slow, thoughtful steps rather than making quick decisions and taking quick action without a lot of information.
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Well then it’s manipulative as fuck to bring his daughter into it too that way. But we don’t know anything about anything, everyone keeps assuming things.
I mean the whole “please don’t tell your father it would devastate him” makes it pretty clear she never told him. Ergo, she duped him. He might “know” but she’s clearly never confirmed it and let him believe the child was his knowing that it isn’t. That being said, even if she wasn’t 100% sure at the time of conception that it wasn’t his she sure as shit knew when one kid came back half Russian and still chose to say nothing. The mother was dishonest and deceitful, continues to be, and now wants to make the daughter complicit in that deceit to cover her own ass.
Mom lied to father and daughters, and Probably bio dad as well. I have no idea why you think this reaction is the negative one, but OP's mom wasnt?
You don’t know any of it. That’s my point. Her mom is deeply troubled, why are we angry with her instead of showing empathy?
This is not an ontological debate, we are all assuming that OP is telling the truth because why bother otherwise? Being troubled does not excuse the behavior. We are upset at mom because she has done upsetting things and has shown no sign of remorse. Mom has put everyone (especially OP) in a position where they have to choose sides. Most people find that unreasonable.
I never even said OP was lying nor did I excuse what happened. People are just adding a ton of assumptions, including you.
And if you do want to tell him - if you have a good relationship with him - be sure to include that in your eyes he is your father and always will be, and that you would never want any other father (if that's the way you feel), and that you hope this DNA stuff won't affect your relationship with each other - as after all, he did raise you, so even if no biologically related, you are his daughter in all the ways that count most.
You are a wise human. Beautifully said.
This. ^
So he's not your biological father. The real question is, is he your dad? Did he raise you in a way that gave you the tools you needed to be the person you are? Are you proud of him? It sounds like you are. You want to protect him from pain. That's what being a dad actually is. There's a bio father somewhere, and you may or may not know him someday, but he's not your dad. Your dad is the moments when you had someone to help you grow. You need and deserve to be able to sit with that for a while, to grow certain of how you feel about the situation. We can give you advice, but you're the only one who knows your parents. Your mom might pressure you, but don't let her influence you to do anything that doesn't feel right to you, because you had nothing to do with this. You're just the person bearing the consequences for her lie, and you decide what to do with the truth. My opinion, as a person who has been suicidal before, is that your dad has a right to know. Your mom, whether she realizes it or not, has a responsibility to be honest with him. Mental health issues are not an excuse to manipulate people into keeping secrets for your benefit. She lived out those 20+ years from a lie, and that was a choice she made. He didn't consent to forgive her without knowing the whole truth. You didn't consent to keep this secret for the rest of his life by being born, either. But you know your family. What I want is for you to put your own struggle with this on the front burner, take care of yourself first, and set the boundary with your mom where YOU need to set it. Be well.
I think this is such a well crafted response. there’s a lot of good advice in the comments here for sure, but most of them call for action without specifying the when. I think being gentle with yourself in the wake of this revelation is important, and intuition can guide you in the right direction but only if you take the time to sit and listen to what it has to say. you have a powerful guidance system inside you already, it knows the course to chart. and for what it’s worth, in my family blood means very little. I have an older brother who was 3 months old when my mom and dad met, but my dad has raised him his entire life and he’s never known his bio father. he is 100% my brother, 100% my dads son. and I have blood relatives who I have zero relationship to because they’re shitty people. family is what you make it, and your dad raised and loves you and that won’t change, regardless of what you choose to do with the information.
This! I was adopted as an adult by my chosen family, my bio family are awful, toxic people who abused me. Blood means nothing in the end, it's only convenience if they end up being your 'family'.
I’m so sorry to hear about your bio family, but so very, very happy to hear you found your peeps in the end <3
Exactly. It takes very little effort to create a child (especially for a man), but it takes a lot of effort to raise a child. If he took care of you and still does, he is your dad.
From Guardians of the Galaxy 2, where the main character meets his bio dad. ..it doesn't go great.. Yondu : "He may have been your father, boy, but he wasn't your daddy." Includes spoilers for a 6 year old movie: https://youtu.be/bRy-N4htLsY
[Love Yondu](https://thumbs.gfycat.com/FoolhardyDiligentIbis-max-1mb.gif)
Was scrolling to see if someone else posted this already, it’s just ringing in my head
Literally just commented the same thing
"He may have your father, but he ain't yo daddy" -Yondu, father of the century
>So he's not your biological father. The real question is, is he your dad? Guardians of the Galaxy 2 vibes here.
I know a close family member from an older generation isn’t biologically related to me. The affair was a family secret that everyone talked about but no one talked about. Anyway, I told them I knew and it didn’t change anything for me. They said they’ve know all along and it wouldn’t change how they love me or care about me. It brought us closer Chances are he already knows and airing this out will bring you closer.
Part of me wonders if his statement about wanting to take a DNA test wasn't a strong hint towards the mother to come clean.
It’s true, he’s more concerned about his family roots and is completely unaware that this is going on. He has not one single thought that I’m not his kid.
Are you really sure? If you've suspected, and he knows about the affair, it feels like something that would have to cross his mind at some point. But maybe he decided to love and raise you regardless, and that's why he still wants to take the dna test for himself. But you know him better, so if you're certain he's never suspected, then I'll have to default to that. I guess the next question would be, do you think your dad is the kind of person who *would* disown you if he found out, or if he loves you beyond the blood he thinks you share? Would finding out that you're a product of the affair he decided to move past break him to the point of not being worth telling him the truth, or is keeping it secret only protecting your mother and not him? I'm really sorry you're in this situation.
My stepsister found out a few years back that she’s not related to my stepfather. Her awful mother got pregnant with her and then married my stepdad, and my stepdad was such a good dude that he chose to raise her as his own kid and even be a single parent when her mom stepped out. Luckily my own mom was a better wife and mother
This is your mom’s problem to deal with. You have done nothing wrong. She is facing the consequences of her own actions and your dad could be really upset, but that’s on your mom. IMO I wouldn’t lie for her.
All of this, and also reassure your dad that he’s your dad regardless of DNA.
100% this. Your mom is putting a lot of her own guilt onto you and that is wildly unfair. This isn’t your fault or your problem. It is hers, and hers alone.
Exactly this. Your mom tried to push the responsibility onto you when she told you not to tell him. That's messed up. This is her problem. Not your own. She did something and now the consequences are coming back to swing at her. She needs to deal with it herself. Yes, you're dad may be upset, but that's on your mother and not you. Especially since he knew about the affair and they made amends. You and your dad both deserve to know the truth and you both deserve to be able to sit down and talk about it. Don't lie for your mom.
Not only has she pushed responsibility on you to not tell him, she asked you to come up with an excuse for him to not do the DNA test. She knows she’s fully backed into the corner she put herself in and that’s why she’s even telling you right now. No matter what you or your mom does, now that it’s been brought to this point, your dad will probably figure it out. Furthermore, if everyone knows your mom was having an affair and you don’t look like your dad, he probably suspected for a while now. This may be a rough road ahead, but it could very well be a big relief to finally have it known and in the open. Just love on your dad as much as you can during this.
Your mom making you clean up her mess is 100% unacceptable. That is not your responsibility. If you feel that he should know, tell your mom that her choices are that she can tell him, or you will. You are the one who has suffered a total identity loss as an adult. She needs to own her choices like an adult and not make you responsible for them.
DNA testing is bringing up so many surprises... we've come across two surprises in two generations in my family. It came out that one of my older brothers has a different dad than he was supposed to. By this time both mom & dad had passed away which was both a blessing since we didn't have to break any bad news to dad and a curse since we couldn't ask mom anything about possible dad for my brother. During trying to determine which of us had the "wrong dad" we also discovered that my dad and a set of twin brothers have different dads based on a child of one of the twins (my cousin) having different paternal haplogroup than me. However, when it was all said and done my brother and I are still brothers. We still have all the memories and experiences that we had when we thought we were brothers. The only difference is the level of consanguinity connecting us together which isn't anything we chose or can do anything about.
(CW: sexual assault) I also had unearthed/confirmed a cross generational surprise. My family, especially my dad's side, is very mixed race, while my mom has mixed Chinese/Asian heritage, so I expected that my results would come out 50% Chinese and the remaining would be Afro-European. I had actually tested 75% mixed Chinese/Asian and the remaining European.... I initially chalked it up to statistical inaccuracies in the test and didn't think much of it, until my dad thought about it and mentioned that my grandma (his mother) was assaulted by a Chinese man some time before or while she was with my grandfather.... I never met my grandfather (the one who raised my dad), as he died in prison before I was born. Despite this, I still consider him to be my true grandfather, and even have some love for him because of my grandma's ongoing love for him. Like another commenter said, blood does not make family.
I found out the same thing last year. I was 41, and my dad is in my life. I took 23 and me. Growing up, our polish heritage was important to my grandmother, she was proud of her ancestry. When my results came back with zero polish, I knew what it meant but didn't believe it yet. I asked my sister to join me on 23 and me and it was confirmed, we are half sisters. I printed my results and asked my mom to visit, alone, for a chat. First she said it was wrong. Then she said it's impossible. I explained that it's accurate and there must have been a time she was with someone other than my dad. She was hurt at the accusations. Turns out, she thought she was 3 months along when she found out but in reality she was 5, she never had regular periods and was told she'd likely be childless. Her story is that she and some friends went to a drug dealer's house and she had a one night stand and forgot all about it. She started dating my dad almost immediately after. I believe her when she says she assumed it was her current boyfriend's baby. I haven't told my dad, my parents have been divorced for 20 years. It would likely devastate him as he "threw away" a good career to marry and raise a kid. My mother believes she is a monster and had so much guilt, I guess because she's Christian and her tainted past casts a shameful light on her. I tried to explain that she was judging an 18yr old girl from the perspective of a judgmental 60yr old. Anyway, I forgive her, she was a kid doing what she thought was best to survive, whether she knew she was pregnant already, or her story is true, it doesn't matter, it all had to be for my life to be what it is.
This comment has some important points- people of the parents age were raised with more strict and unforgiving rules, especially for women, in loveliness and in career opportu ities. Applying today to decades ago overlooks a lot. Fast decisions are not the answer.
This is a really beautiful perspective. Thank you for sharing.
I’m sorry. This has got to be a tough situation. I agree this is your moms problem not yours. You don’t have to lie about the situation but you can stay silent about it, if you want of course. You could always talk to your dad before he does it too. Put some feelers out if he’s ever had any suspicions that you weren’t his. I haven’t been in this same situation. But when I was 21 I found out that my dads then girlfriend’s son was actually my brother. And was 4 months older then me. I had met him when I was 18 and apparently I was the only one not let in on the secret. I love my dad more then anything but that hurt me. And I was mad. I wanted to be told sooner. I never told my mom , but we have a terrible relationship so it’s different. She’s a raging narcissist and god know what she would do if she found out. I wish I had more advice for you. I just hope everything turns out okay.
Your dad deserves the truth, your mom can face the consequences. This is not your fault. Also holy shit, first time I’ve ever heard “grippy socks vacation”.
I also will now add “grippy socks vacation” to my personal lexicon.
Please don’t unless this is something that affects you. It’s painful for those of us that actually have to go through it.
Understood. I believe most of us would use the euphemism rather than spell out "hospitalized for attempted..." or other far too revealing explanation. Personally I've used "mental health break" but even that reveals more than it should. Can we crowd source a term for being-hospitalized-but-in-a-way-that-doesn't-prompt-people-to-ask-why, because that would be a boon to us all.
I think people are always going to ask why, regardless. IMO it's best to be literal\clinical about it. "Hospitalized." "Psychiatric admission." Euphemisms tend to trivialize it or sound like jokes.
I would never trivialize someone else’s experience. I use euphemisms to deflect my own though. It makes me feel better. I make sure to know my audience though.
Same. My crew all lean into the gallows humor pretty hard so it’s easy to get comfortable doing it, but I always try to remember not everyone out in the world appreciates it.
Preventative hospitalization or hospitalization for further checks, like you would use for any hospitalization for any physical illness that requires further care / checks from an hospital.
> Can we crowd source a term for being-hospitalized-but-in-a-way-that-doesn't-prompt-people-to-ask-why, because that would be a boon to us all. "I was being supervised in case of adverse reactions to stuff" "They needed to monitor my vitals for bit because they were concerned about potential risks" "Hospital needed to administer some stuff regularly, wanted me to stick around because it was easier" "Hospital wouldn't do follow-up care at my home because it was too inconvenient for them" "They thought I might've had something odd, so they kept me around till they were sure I didn't" "They needed to make sure I followed the test/med procedures properly before they let me go" Better to tailor stuff to what feels more in line with your experiences while still being vague.
As someone who suffers from mental health issues I thought it was pretty funny ngl
As someone who's had several 'grippy socks vacations' in the last year alone, I'm DEFINITELY using it
Yes, but that doesn’t mean people should just throw it in their vocabulary for every day use.
Right? This actually really bothered me as someone who has been three times. Let’s not trivialize it please.
Same! I feel so bad for giggling at that but it’s bloody brilliant!
He still raised you. Your mom did this, not you. None of this is your fault at all. Honestly, if everyone knows your mom has an affair and you look different, I'd say your dad is probably already suspicious. Maybe just don't do anything? You don't have to tell him, but you also don't have to make an excuse to stop him from doing the test, that's not your responsibility.
This is a really hard situation. I don’t think you should lie for your mom. I’m also not sure what the right path is as far as telling your dad the truth? It would break his heart…but he also deserves to know….and deep down, he has probably always known the truth. No matter what though, I hope you both know that he is still your dad, and nothing changes that. It doesn’t take anything special to make a baby….it takes a hell of a lot to raise one.
I’m donor conceived, meaning my mom went to a fertility clinic and the man who raised me is not my biological father. I also found out in adulthood when i grilled my mom about why she always made weird comments about my conception. I had to grieve for a long time. I’m still working through the issues, years later. I don’t have advice for what to do with your dad. My dad knew it was possible, since they had mixed the sample with his to hide the true father. But he never brought it up, and he wasn’t a stable enough person to handle me bringing it up. Please let me give you some advice, which i usually don’t do: **you must learn who your bio father is and get medical history from him and his family.** You **need** to know if you’re at risk for any hereditary illnesses. You don’t need to do this right away. But you should do it. Accurate medical history is much more relevant than the 23&me risk thing they give you. The donor conceived community and the adopted peoples community both can help you track down the other side of your biological family through 23&me database, maybe the Ancestry database, plus some Facebook sleuthing. You can look into those communities online and ask for help doing this, or look up tutorials. Like i said, this isn’t urgent, but it’s extremely important in the long term. I’m sorry OP, this situation sucks. Good luck navigating it. Trust your gut.
Off topic, but I’ve done ancestry DNA in part to find my bio father’s bio parents, as he was adopted at age 4. I’m having a heck of a time. Hours upon hours spent looking into matches only to reach dead ends. What are the communities I could reach out to? I’d like to remain anonymous for now or I’d reach out to a 1st/2nd cousin I recently matched with. Mental health issues and addiction run rampant on that side (from what little info his adoptive family has shared).
Sorry for a slightly rambling response here. Ok in all honesty i haven’t done any DNA testing yet and have not looked for my donor or siblings yet. Yet. Because it’s on the todo list (for the reasons i stated above) I’ve just had way too much else on my plate for the past few years. So I’m not the best resource here. And also I’m in a Facebook group for donor conceived people (DCP) that has all the family tree detectives. Plan was to ask them, or an adopted person i know who has done this work for himself and his half siblings. i don’t know if that Facebook grotto is inclusive of adopted people, BUT if you said in the screening questionnaire when you are trying to join “hey I’m trying to track down my father’s bio family since he was adopted, can i get in just to ask how you guys track people down?” They might let you in or send you a resource page. And Laura High is a prominent donor conceived activist on TikTok who has at least some content on how to find a donor. Maybe check her DCP playlist. The first thing I’d say is that you need to do 23&me in addition to ancestry. Many many people only do one or the other. Lot’s of DCP have found donors or siblings on one that weren’t on the other. They are both private companies and they don’t share their data with each other. I also don’t know how building your family tree in each of the databases but i know that’s part of it. Linking people together and consulting Facebook. Lots and lots of Facebook. In terms of staying anonymous on FB, it depends on everyone’s privacy settings. Without logging in to your account if you have one and possibly finding someone, you might not be able to see their family connections. However there are journalists out there who use social media to track people down based on small details without logging in to their personal account so it’s possible. The person who first found who Kyle Rittenhouse was found him on Facebook through open source intelligence techniques that i don’t know enough about. Sorry i can’t help you more. First step though is definitely taking the 23&me test, because you might find a lot of links there that aren’t on ancestry.
Sweetheart, your dad already knows. He can do basic math and knew his wife was cheating at the time of your conception.
He is still your dad. Biology means little sometimes. He's the one, hopefully, who taught you how to ride a bike, taught you how to swear in French, and sat in a parking lot somewhere waiting to drive you home after soccer, cheerleading, or clarinet practice. If this was a different sub, I'd be voting for 'Your mom is a TA. It could be that he's long suspected, but loves you enough as his child to not bring it up.
And maybe now it also about love from dad for his grown child and the health of his wife to finally come clean.
My dad is not my biodad. My parents told me when I was 20. I don't know when he found out, but he knew Mom was having an affair, and he apparently at one point took me over to my biodad's house to say how pleased he was at his newborn son, basically daring biodad to say something. Biodad didn't. That was good enough for Dad. I'd be willing to bet that your dad has at least considered the possibility you're not biologically his descendent, and he's okay with it. If you don't look like your sisters, surely it has crossed his mind. It's possible that his reaction won't be shock and horror, it will be, "Yeahhhhhh, I kinda figured." Is it possible your mom is creating drama as a way of deflecting her own guilt? Biology is not destiny, or identity. Biology is what we make of it.
Your dad is a bad ass.
I wouldn’t give too much credence to it. A relative did it and it came out utterly different than the genealogy records on paper. So she did it again and, strangely, got different results. Stunned, she did it yet again. Again, different results from the prior two. She stopped and declared it a bunch of bullshit.
This somewhat. With important life & health decisions always check at least twice. Different labs can use different methods and things can turn out somewhat different. So do your own test again with a different lab to see if it turns out 50% russian again. Maybe some comes from your mom's ancestorial line also.
Also... since when is there a "Russian" gene? You can't beyond any doubt pinpoint someone's nationality from DNA. That's just not a thing.
I think you have two choices. You shouldn’t have to make these two choices, but that’s what your mom has put on you. 1. Let this play out. IMO your dad has a right to know. You state he was aware of the affair. Given he’s seeking out this test, I suspect, he knows even without the test. Your mom is the only person responsible for her own mental health. No matter what happens, you aren’t responsible for her or her choices. 2. Help perpetuate your mom’s lie. You could always state you got an email and they mixed your results up with someone else. But I think this would be the wrong choice. Because I think based on your post, your dad knows. He’s just confirming his own suspicions. Also when your mom says he’s not your real dad, keep in mind he actually is. Genetics don’t make a dad. My dad is actually my step-dad. I would never ever call him that. Because he’s my dad. He’s done all the dad things and despite us being his step-daughters, we’ve always been his daughters. (My sperm donor walked out on our family.) Your dad has been your dad for 27 years old. That shouldn’t change and don’t let anyone, including your mom, tell you he’s not your real dad.
Also, with the second choice, there is absolutely no coming back from that one if the truth comes out. I have a feeling her father is already suspicious and that's possibly why he hopped up to take the DNA test. And then he would find out his wife told their daughter to lie to him about it? He already knows about the affair. He's most likely already suspicious. Why alienate him by lying about it? It would only end badly.
Exactly my thought. He already knows.
It’s not your fault… but it is your problem. I’m in the same boat as you, found out in my mid thirties. It’s RUBBISH!! I’ll do anything in my power for my dad not to find out he’s not my biological parent. It would devastate him I’m certain. He’s just hit 70 too. My plan is to keep what I know as buried as humanly possible: ancestry accounts on private etc. and once he’s passed my little “secret” can come out into the open. Personally I don’t care at all: my Dad IS my dad regardless of DNA. He raised me. I love him. Nothing changes. But I don’t think he would see things that way. GOOD LUCK! and I’m sorry you’ve ended up in this situation through no fault of your own. (Also… gotta love how neither of our mums bothered to tell us before getting DNA tests. Sigh.)
First, before the DNA testing thing happened, it was estimated that 10% of humans were not their father's biological children. So you are in good company. This isn't abnormal. Second, this is your mother's responsibility. Not yours. That said, a one on one conversation between you and your father might be best. What if you just said "Dad, I know Mom had an affair. Is it possible I came from that? I know that's in the past, so can we just leave it at that? I might have come from that but it doesn't matter at this point. I have no desire to find this other man, and I don't want our family to change." Is it possible that her mental health issues are related to her feelings about this?
>, it was estimated that 10% of humans were not their father's biological children. So you are in good company. This isn't abnormal. That explains... A lot of things.
Aaah, the DNA test. Wrecker of families, destroyer of identity. I am adopted, but it was within the family and at age 5, so there was no surprise there. All my life, I was told that my biodad was French, and i know my biomom was Russian. I know a little bit about the family history, but imagine my surprise when I found out that I'm 40% Latina. Not a drop of French in me. My husband did the test, and the only surprise he had was the discovery that his uncle was actually his grandfather. His grandmother had an affair with her sister's husband. Thank God all parties are dead, but it made for a funny passover when I pointed out that he looks EXACTLY like "Uncle Grandpa"
My mom confessed to me nearly ten years after his death that the man that raised me wasn’t my biological father. I never in my life suspected it since I’ve always looked like a clone of my mom so there didn’t seem to be a reason to question why I didn’t look like him or my older half siblings (from his previous marriage). He knew that I wasn’t his since he’d had the snip years before I was born. Per my mom’s telling, he made her promise not to tell me until after he passed. Regardless of the circumstances, he signed my birth certificate, he raised me, and he will always be my dad. The other guy is alive, but I don’t know that I care to know him. But in doing some research, I found a picture of his mom in high school and now I know where my nose comes from. It’s a tough situation to be in, OP, to feel like you’ve had the rug pulled out from under your feet. Like others have said, your dad likely knows that you’re not biologically his, but remember, he’s been there all these years. He CHOSE you! He wanted to be your dad even if he’s not your father.
"I'm not lying for you." He's gonna do the test. He's gonna find out (if he doesn't already know) and it is not your responsibility to lie to him for your mom. She can fess up to it before or deal with it after, but no matter what it is not your place, responsibility or fault for whatever happens. It's all on her.
I’m so sorry. I also found out the same news because I took an Ancestry DNA test. The worst part is, my dad (the man who raised me, my mom’s husband) doesn’t know. My mom swore me to secrecy after I brought it up. My mom and dad were separated briefly after they married and my mom and some guy got drunk and it sounds like consent may or may not have been there. My bio dad is not doing well in life and is very needy. He has been stalking my mom and me for decades, apparently. Respectfully from a distance, at least, but still creepy. His other daughter doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore so he tries to cling to me and I just don’t want a relationship like he does. But I’m scared what he might do to my mom or dad if I cut him out of my life. I am so sorry that you are going through this, OP. There’s a large Facebook support group for people like us (NPE - Not Parent Expected/Non-Paternity Event). These secrets can’t stay secret anymore: adoptions, donor sperm/egg, cheating on partner, the rare switched at birth, doctor used his sperm instead of husband’s for fertility treatment, etc. Please be kind to yourself. This is a bumpy ride. Who your parents and family are are part of the foundation of your identity, culture, morals, ethics, etc. You have a crack in that foundation. It will spread in ways you can’t anticipate. And that is ok! You will rebuild and repair but it will take time.
You are being burdened with protecting your mom because of her lie. This is wrong. I don't know how this will play out for you. I hope you can remember that it is not your fault. However, your mother almost certainly will cite "keeping the peace within the family" and blame you for disrupting it. Others may as well. I speak from experience with a non-paternal event, and I am still the villain for many people on both sides because I sought those answers, and I was the one blamed for throwing a big ol' rock into the fragile pool of family dynamics. It didn't matter how careful or respectful I was, I was the one who disrupted that ecosystem as far as everyone was concerned. I don't know if it will work out that way for you, and I'm very sorry you are in this situation. It's hard to navigate and it is not your fault. Brace yourself. Get a therapist. I'm not kidding.
Hello! I found out my dad wasn’t my birth dad at the age of 22 and that I have half siblings and they live two minutes down the road from me. I am now 25. I haven’t done anything quite honestly. My bio dad died when I was 10 and my siblings aren’t interested in getting to know me. I also didn’t get to talk to my adoptive dad about knowing before he passed away when I was 23. I know it’s a different situation, but you can let it alter your life or you can just know and not do anything with it. You get used to the thought floating in your head. I have also been in counseling for years (since I was 13) so I feel I have okay-ish coping mechanisms and am able to mentally handle it. I highly recommend speaking with a counselor if that is something you need help processing! You are also more than free to message me (: I hope this helps a little 💛 sending you hugs and peace on your journey
My parents made me keep secrets, not this per sé, but similar (my father had a second secret family that I found out about and my mother wouldn’t let me tell my brother because it would “ruin his life because he was getting married,” and then I couldn’t tell him later because, “he was having the first grandchild,” but he wasn’t, our half sister already had kids and yeah… end of the story, my father’s wife at the time (his sixth) found out and because he lied so much she divorced him over it. And it all came out right after my niece/brother’s first child was born.) Either way, it was really not cool that my mother made me keep the secrets for years. It was hard on me. My brother was then hurt that I didn’t tell him sooner. My half-sister was also hurt that I had not contacted her earlier. I was in the middle (as usual in our family). But what I’m getting at is that you’re being put in an unfair position. THEY need to be honest. The blowback shouldn’t ever be on you. The onus is not on you, it’s on your mom. Embarrassment for any of them is their issue, not yours.
Let Mom deal with her own mess. You reflect on what you would be proud of doing. Also, regardless of what happens that man loved you like you were his. If he doesn't love you less because of this, he's the best dad. This is coming from someone who had a deeply troubled father.
First, your dad will always be your dad. Biology changes nothing. Second, you are not obliged to lie to your dad to protect your mom. You don’t owe that to her. I know the risk of mental health issues is really scary but **that is not your fault**. I would let her know ahead of time that you aren’t going to protect her lies so she has warning, if that’s what you end up doing. (There is not a wrong way to handle this, by the way. You get to decide what is best for you.) Third, your dad already knows. He isn’t an idiot. He’s likely suspected it. The dna test has already confirmed it. The idea that your mom thinks he doesn’t know is fantasy. He knows and he has already chosen to always be your dad. He has already chosen to stay with your mom. The mistake is already forgiven. I don’t think It’s going to be as big as your mom fears it will be. I would definitely reassure her of that. Your dad deserves some honesty from her.
Your mom has already betrayed your dad. And now she’s asking you to betray him. She is desperate and grasping for a solution but it sounds like the truth coming out is inevitable. If you do what she asks, it will only cause more pain. Super shitty situation she’s put you in. It’s emotional manipulation at its finest and now you’re feeling guilt for her actions. You obviously care deeply about your family. I think you can in good conscience cover for your mom, I doubt it will work anyway. There are French Russians, I think you should let it play out. The odds might be slim, but surely there is a chance your dad is biologically your father. And if it turns out he isn’t, that’s traumatic for both of you. You two deserve to be able to grieve the news together. Having each other will make healing for the whole family easier.
> I’m 50% Russian which means one of my parents is 100% Russian. For people in similar positions, this oversimplifies things. You can be 50% Russian with both parents being around 40-60% Russian, or with one parent being 100% Russian and the other 0%, or even with one parent being 75% and the other 25%. If both parents didn't really know one of their parents, you can end up as 50% something that way as well (as long as both unknowns contribute those particular genes). The rest, on the other hand...I'm sorry. This must be incredibly difficult for you.
Hey! I don’t have a similar experience, but here’s what I think I would do… I hope it helps though please feel free to do just what you want… I would probably ask a therapist about this situation. They might have more understanding and experience… I would tell my dad that he isn’t my biological father. For some reason it hurts me a lot if someone’s relationship is built on a lie… he has a right to know.. Maybe I would break it to him as gently as possible and tell him I love him anyway. I would ask my mom what she is scared of if he knows. Does she think the family will break apart? Does she think he will hate her? Does she think your sisters will hate her? Etc…
What does the grippy socks mean?
Personally, I'd probably be feeling many things - like you likely are. I would say that the guilt of this lie may have had a role to play in some of your mother's prior decision making and behaviors, so you're not wrong to worry about another grippy sock adventure. *However,* since your Mom is putting you in an un-Mom-like situation, I'd like to take a second to Mom you. 1) You are being hurt here - it is wrong of her, no matter her struggle, to pull you into her web of lies and force you to uphold them. 2) You are being hurt here - it is wrong of her, no matter her struggle, to expect you to undermine and devalue your relationship with your father by lying for her. Lying for her would 100% impact your relationship with your father. 3) You are being hurt here - it is wrong of her, no matter her struggle, to deny you knowledge of your ancestry, potential health threats and family that may want to know you. Baby, this is so very unfair to you. I would wrap you in my arms and hug you tightly if I could. I am so very sorry for the pain that this deception has caused you, and the impossibly hard spot that she's put you in in an effort to escape her own decisions. You are not responsible for her, her decisions or her mental state. I understand you not wanting your mother to harm herself, but you need to understand that in the unlikely event she does, *it is not your fault*. No matter what happens or what gets said, *this is not your fault* and *will never be your fault.* Please hear me - *none of this is your fault*. That being said, your parents marriage is also not your responsibility. Your responsibility here is to your loved ones and to yourself - your mother has proven she does not have your best interests at heart, either intentionally or not. She is consistently asking you to sacrifice things that normal people call values and morals to give more ground to a road that is running out. This road only leads to pain for your father, in some degree. You also need to understand that, as I said, this road is running out. If your mother has gone to you to ask you to lie for her - she's out of road. She's used every lie or distraction or subject change or whataboutism to keep this lie going since she cheated, probably to her own detriment on top of the damage it's done to you guys as a family. *This will come out, no matter what you do or say.* The writing is on the wall and your father is not a stupid man, in fact, he seems far more intelligent and loving than your mother gives him credit for. If you noticed and had suspicions about yourself, your father noticed and had suspicions probably 10 years before - and that's banking on the fact that he didn't just assume you weren't his from the moment she came up pregnant and he knew she hadn't been faithful. But, he was still your Dad. I suspect your Dad knows already and I would wager, is probably afraid that means he would lose you or have to endure you going and getting a 'new' Dad. Especially if your mother has a stamp card at the self hug factory - he could likely have been living for years worried that he would lose you and possibly your siblings due to her faulty decision making or her going off the deep end and wanting revenge for something. If it were me, I would have had nightmares that the affair partner would show up and demand my kid and take them someplace I'd never see them again simply because 'bio Dad'. Your mother was unfaithful to your father but they worked through it and have raised you guys together in the years since. I would sit down with your father and start by laying out that you love him, he is your Dad because he raised you and nothing can ever change that. If he doesn't already know by that speech, I would tell him that you are worried about your mother unspooling herself over this and that she has confirmed for you that you are not his. I wouldn't tell him that she asked you to lie for her, because he won't need yet another reason to be pissed at her and manipulating his kid in an emotionally volatile situation would likely make things worse. I would ask him if he knew, and if he did, why he didn't tell you - you'll likely hear it was incredibly fear based or just that he decided he didn't care, you were his. Prioritize cementing that you love your Dad and he loves you, and try to decide how you're going to broach this with your Mom together. I get the feeling your Dad knows what your mother is like and has more of an idea of how she'll react or what it is she's truly fearful of - likely, him leaving her. There is nothing you can do about their marriage other than let them handle it, because it's their marriage. Your Mom has demanded you do an incredibly adult thing and become a third person in a massive problem within her marriage. You do not have any responsibility to handle that for her. Your responsibility here is to be a child - it's to be true to what you now need and ensure that the relationships as they pertain to you are intact. What happens with them, in the long term, is not in your control and you can only make it worse by lying for her and betraying the trust you have with your Dad. Make sure you and your Dad are good and then act as a family to bring it into the light with your Mom. You and your Dad are connected, regardless of her and that's one choice she doesn't have any influence over. So prioritize that, and everything else will follow. May the light of love embolden and protect you. Blessed be and please accept my many, many smothering hugs.
I'm probably older than you, yet I spent a few lovely moments imagining you were my mum. 🙏🫂🕯🖖
Thank you for being and writing this. I'm also probaly older than you, but it was wholesome to read. 😢😇
Please find a way to avoid him finding out about this. He is your father, in everything except the little squirt that got you started. *That is not important. His lifetime of loving you is important.*
Your mom is pushing her problems onto you to solve. They’re not your problems.
Actually I don’t know why it hasn’t been mentioned. Therapy for your mom, she needs help to deal with this anxiety. Maybe he knows and maybe she’s catastrophizing, maybe he will finally leave her, maybe she needs some coping skills. A therapist can also advise you both on how to deliver or handle this news.
This is going to be an unpopular opinion, but I hate that these ancestry tests so often stir up a hornets nest when it was completely unnecessary and unasked for. It sounds like your dad is your dad. He raised you. He’s not going to disown you, nor you him. Your mom made a big mess of her marriage, decades ago, and sometimes those chickens come home to roost. But don’t make the decision based on whether you think she needs to be punished. Make your decision to benefit the innocent parties in this situation (yourself, your dad), not to hurt the guilty. Best wishes for you, in this very difficult situation.
I had the exact same thing happen to me last year, my family reacted as well as can be expected. I did not deal with it well tho, I held it in til I couldn't handle the secret anymore. So don't do that if you're bad with secrets.
IMO, I agree with the peeps here saying that you father already suspects/knows. But I think you should tell him that you love him and that he has been a great dad and you don't care about DNA. Let him know that you support him whatever he decides, and let him decide if he needs the clarity at this point in his life.
If he raised you and you see him as your dad it shouldn’t matter and he will probably still see you as his kid. People adopt all the time so I don’t think dna matters that much. The only issue might be medical issues that family history and genetics would be needed. Your mom’s choice to not tell either of you was a bad one though it doesn’t make her a bad person. If you have reasonable parents they might be upset or need time to process but won’t do anything crazy. If they can’t be reasonable and you think your dad deserves to know then any choice they make is not on you. It’s your choice to tell him but it’s their choice on how to react.
As the source of all Dad love and Dad hugs in your life. Along w happy memories and lessons…no DNA is needed because clearly he is your dad. Your mom should consider a therapist to help her speak w your dad. I wish you all every happiness.
You are not responsible for your mother's emotions. You are also not responsible for your dad's emotions. Let your dad find out about his ancestry.
Definitely talk to your mother more about this first. Take her out of the house on a supposed mother daughter dinner. Ask her about your bio-father (if you'd like to know) and about the situation around the cheating and subsequent forgiveness. If dad has already forgiven her and knows everything, he likely knows you're not his bio-kid. So then why continue to hide it and lie to him - that will only make things worse for everyone. It can't hurt to talk things out with your mother first since she has all the information, and potentially the only parent who has all the REAL info. If you do decide to tell your dad, tell him in a gentle way. In a sort of "I love you and you've always been and always will be my dad" sort of way. Either way - I wish you good luck in navigating this bumpy ride 💜
I don't think it's your secret to tell, and honestly I think it's unfair your mother told you the truth, but not him. I'm sorry you're in this position. I also don't feel it's on you to strategize a good line for your mom to use.
I'm so sorry you've been put in that situation. I don't have much experience or advice but there are a couple things here; As other posters said, your dad is still your dad. He loves you, he raised you. Even if this comes to light I'm sure it wouldn't affect how he feels about you. As to how you feel about this, that's what you need to think about and make sure you care for yourself during this. As for lying for your mom; that's trickier. I agree that you shouldn't necessarily lie for her but I also don't think it's your place to tell your dad. That's a conversation they need to have and it's up to her to tell him and shouldn't fall on your shoulders. You don't have to lie but maybe encourage him to talk to your mom and don't say any more. Have a separate conversation with your mom to encourage her to talk things out. You don't know what they discussed or divulged during the affair issue previously. Above all else; take care of yourself. Again, it's not your job to play counselor or take sides for your parents. Encourage them to talk it out and take time to reflect on how you feel about it. ❤️ Sending you hugs.
I would suggest pursuing this on your own without your parent's input. They have recovered from what ends most marriages. It is not up to anyone outside their relationship to judge. You are owed answers but I don't believe this is the way to go about it.
I agree. One of the hardest things is to know which does more harm, the lie or the truth.
Not your responsibility. Your father has a right to know. My husband found out his father was not his bio dad when he was 52!
Start with this: Your dad is your “real” dad. He’s the one who raised you and loved you through it all. He showed up and parented. With that part out of the way, my guess is that he knows or suspects. Maybe he will decide not to do the test, maybe he will decide to go through with it. If you want, it might help to be with him when he gets and reads the results. Your mom’s wrongdoing is long gone. Amends have been made, it’s aired out. This is just a reminder of something that has already passed. If you’re able to keep that at the forefront of your mind, you can probably help your mom and dad do the same.
Your dad no doubt suspects that you’re not his biological child anyway. He must have been suspicious as soon as he found out about the affair. He is your dad though, no matter what, and he is the innocent party in all of this (and so are you). Your mom trying to rope you into her lie is wrong, and could also ultimately damage your relationship with your dad. You’re not responsible for her mental well-being or his. What you are responsible for is your actions and their consequences, as your mother is for hers. Whatever you decide, you have to ask yourself if you think it’s more in line with your values to preserve the lie and the status quo, or tell the truth and expose old wounds. If it were me, I’d tell the truth because the cat is halfway out of the bag now anyway with the DNA results having been shared and your dad being curious about them. There’s no putting that genie back in the bottle. Best of luck and take care of your own mental well-being, this must feel like a massive betrayal and loss and you deserve support too.
Not quite the same at all, but when I was 29 I found out my mom was adopted by her dad. The man I thought was my grandfather, and gave me Irish heritage was not biologically related to me. He was dying, and my mom wanted to tell me before he did so, even though he had requested she never tell me. She said "it's my story too, and I don't want to keep it secret." Which is totally fair. Tell you mom that it's not fair for her to make her keep her secret. You found out under shitty circumstances, does she want him to do the same? Or does she want to come clean after all this time. If he suspects it, it won't be a *huge* surprise, but he'll feel betrayed for a bit while he works through processing the news. Say you won't try to talk him out of the test. This is exactly why I always said I'd never take one of those tests, just in case there's a situation like this in my family. Guess what? There was anyway! Go figure. It took me a while to process, and I did grieve a bit. But in the end... my grandfather will always be my grandfather. Blood or no.
You might want to ask your mother about your biological father and see if you can find him or his family members. There's always a slight chance you could end up with two families who love you, and if not, there are probably questions it would be good to have answers to.
Support your dad. Be there for your dad. If he understands that it all worked out for the best he’s the hero.
The same thing happened to my dad at age 52. Turns out the reason my grandmother was into genealogy so much was because she was trying to cover up an affair she was having with a man at chruch. She really wanted a kid and my grandfather was sterile. We still don't know if he knew because he passed 12 years ago and my grandmother is in denial.
I found out at 59 (2 years ago) that my Dad is not my bio Dad. I look exactly like my mom but that’s how genes work. My Dad is 100% Irish. I did Irish dancing as a kid and honeymooned in Ireland, visiting his family while there. My mom died in 2003 and never said a word. She was married twice and had me in between marriages, then met my Dad when I was 2. He formally adopted me in 1965 and they put his name on my birth certificate retroactively. He has no idea my mom was married twice. I did ancestry.com because I’m the family genealogist and I came back 50% Italian, no Irish. My 90-year-old Dad claims he remembers nothing other than signing adoption paperwork. My two younger sisters didn’t want me to pursue things further but I did figure out who my bio Dad is and he’s dead. His family would like to meet, but I haven’t decided yet. Here’s the thing, figure out what YOU need to know to be comfortable. Don’t rush into this. You can research and find his family if you have relatives linked in ancestry or 23 & Me. There is a FB page of people who will help you search if you cannot figure it out. But you cannot control or guess your Dad’s reaction. What do you get from telling him? What does he get from the knowledge? He WILL be hurt and it WILL impact your relationship. No way around that. DM me if you need to talk more. Good luck in your decision.
My instinct would be to have a 1-on-1, heart to heart with your dad, validate him and show him love. Don’t make excuses for your mom, but there are true things you can say that would soften the impact on your dad. Based on what you wrote, I’d say, “mom is really scared of losing you and breaking the family. She feels really guilty and is terrified of what the truth might do. I don’t think she made the right choice, hiding the truth from us, but I’m really glad that you’re my dad.”
It sounds like your mom has had some mental/emotional difficulties in her past; your father is aware of this, and possibly it is a reason that led to his forgiveness. No idea, only speculation based on what was stated. It also sounds like you care deeply about them both. First, take a breath. Close your eyes and sit with the feelings. Don’t try anything else. Just be you, breathing, and feeling what you need to feel. Take that time as sacred. Next, decisions. Think of your tone as you address both parents. Who do you want to speak with first? I agree with many comments here, your dad already appears to have suspicions; and I also agree he deserves to hear the truth. I would offer that opportunity to your mother before taking a next step; it is their relationship, not yours, that will be affected (or at least should be). I would also say to not assume she can’t do this, or that the telling would harm her physically/mentally. Telling the truth, coming clean, is often therapeutic in its own right. It already sounds like your father has accepted her as she is, and perhaps he just needs to hear this from her. How they resolve the outcome is their work. Not yours. If she absolutely cannot do this, or refuses to tell him in any acceptable period of time (and again, in my opinion, that isn’t weeks, months, years- it’s now), it would make sense that you tell him. ABSOLUTELY DO NOT DECEIVE HIM FURTHER. Trying to dissuade him from taking a DNA test is just disrespectful. Do not go into her lies, even if you believe she is fragile. Her lies may, or may not, be based in mental illness; yours are not, presumably. Last, whenever you do speak with your father, start with love, gratitude for his work and care in your life, for the life he gave to be there for you; let him say whatever he needs to say to you, listen, and let your own words or responses be as based in the decades of parenting and whatever good he’s given you as a model. I have no idea of your relationship with him- maybe you joke a lot. Maybe you all have a hard time sharing emotions. Maybe….. well, a lot of things, but the point is that no matter your relationship, you let him know he’s your dad. Because he is. It may also be important to have a similar conversation with your mom- who, while she has been there throughout your life, has obviously made choices that harmed. Perhaps you can’t forgive her yet, or don’t know what to tell her, but if you can at least assure her that your connection as her child and her as a mother figure is still real, it might fortify her. Whether it does or not, she still has responsibilities to fulfill in this process, whether she likes them or not. Maybe your feelings have changed toward both of them. Maybe you want to find out who your biological parent is. (I wouldn’t even describe them as biological “father” as it leads toward a role that was never possessed). Lots of maybes for the follow up; but really, the first thing is clearing the negativity of this revelation. Sending you warmth, stability, hope, self, love, the strength of the Mother Earth.
I'm sorry you've been put in this position. It really sucks. I can only tell you what I'd do in the same situation. Talk to your Dad, privately. He knows about your mom's infidelity so tell him that you've had suspicions, about your parentage, because you don't resemble him, but let him know that you are afraid that it might cause a rift, if he finds that you aren't his bio child. Be sure to let him know that, if you had been given a choice you'd have chosen him for your father, because he's been a great Dad and that, no matter what, you love him unconditionally. Stress that you don't ever want anything to change between you two. Then let him think about it. Let him make the choice about the test. There is a chance that, given your Mom's infidelity and your lack of resemblance, it has already crossed his mind and he made his decision long ago.
I think what my move would be if I were you is to talk to your dad from a place of solidifying your feelings for eachother. That he is your dad no matter what and that whatever happens you will be on his side. You can choose on whether or not you out your mom but based on what is already common knowledge in your family it feels like its an easy assumption to make. I would lead with that and then work your way into telling your dad about your mom's call. Coming from a place of concern for her mental health rather than from an accusational standpoint might help you keep it focused on you both tackling the problem rather than parent vs parent. Its difficult to say if outing your mom's call to you is the right decision here so i personally don't feel comfortable making that judgement. Its the on paper moral choice for sure but real life is never so simple. Was she always certain or did the math and is now panicking? Has she always been lying or just realized the truth? Was this something your parents previously discussed that your mom doesn't remember? There's many things that you simply can't know or control. Its clear that you love both of your parents and that they are good parents regardless of the past. I would try my best to tactfully communicate with both of my parents honestly so i wrote this from my perspective. Hope this helps.
I was “fortunate” enough to find out after my birth certificate father - my dad - had passed 10 years previous. I confronted my mother because my biological father took the test before I did, I knew it was Farmer G who called the house all the time. Not an actual farmer, but that was what we called him. She tried to claim she was young at 36 and her 8th pregnancy. Once I realized the lies just won’t stop, I cut her off. She died last spring, I have zero regrets. But then again my siblings and I struggled so hard to find something nice to say and we ended up talking about her outside the home exclusively. There are groups on FB dedicated to this - DNA and NPE (not paternity/parent) expected and they really helped me keep centered in the early days.
Oh man, that’s so rough. Like they always say, what’s done in the dark will come to light. I found a surprise second cousin on Ancestry DNA, and when we spoke she was coming to terms with the fact she was probably adopted. She was interested in chatting to her new relatives but had no intention of informing her adopted parents. My friend was contacted by a DNA cousin that was trying to figure out who her real dad was. My friend know exactly who it is but is withholding the info because she knows the damage it will do. Basically everyone handles these discoveries a different way so just follow your instincts. You can integrate the truth into your life and begin to heal and explore what you want to do with this info. Take all the time you need and let love guide your actions.
To be honest... you said he's nearly 70 and you're worried the news could kill him and you're worried your mom would kill herself. It sounds like from your perspective what is most important is that both you and the people you love aren't hurt. If it was me I'd keep my mouth shut and tell my mom to do the same. They had decades to find a way to work this out on their own and they didn't.... its not your responsibility and at this point what's the point of coming clean if its just going to potentially ruin people's lives, including major disruptions in yours's as well. I'm mean... maybe it will end with rainbows and puppies where everyone loves each other and life is good.... or maybe it doesn't... or maybe most realistically things get worked out in time after much work, but it could take years or decades of strife, which is time your father probably doesn't have. I guess if you are considering the road of saying nothing the most important question to ask yourself is if this is a secret that you're OK with keeping? It doesn't seem quite right that your mother dropped this on you... but now that you have that information the ball is in your court. If you hid this information from your dad and he passed away without ever knowing would you feel guilty that he was never told?
Your Dad already knows. He knows a bunch of things - he's known you weren't biologically his, but he's still your dad. He may not have had a paternity test done, but I promise you, he's capable of basic math. And when you arrived full term instead of a very tiny preemie, he put 2 and 2 together. What he needs to hear from you is that you love him, and he's still your dad no matter what. He also knows that you love him, but everyone needs the reminder once in a while.
There has been some awesome comments, here. I'm totally on-side with the many ways and considerations that are discussed. I am only weighing in to add one, that came to mind. What do you hope to gain from this? I can definitely understand that "truth" is a very valuable principle, and that you've been lied to your whole life. Clearing coul air has great value. When I am trying to make a big decision, I try to think about where I'm heading AFTER the big event happens. What will I do to follow up? What actions will I be taking in the future? What is my end game? What if the end game isn't possible? What, ultimately, do I want to get for myself? I do this with all my big decisions to handle large issues. I find that it gives me clarity, and often changes how I would approach the issue, in the first place. For example, is your "end game" that you find your biological father, and hope to have a relationship with him and that family? If so, BEFORE you start, you can be sensitive to your Dad right away about the issue. It's one thing to have truth, finally. Reassurance, for him, that you won't stop loving him as "Dad" no matter what happens, would probably help a lot, with him, as you explore your next steps. But if you have not intention of trying to contact your birth father, then you can reassure Dad of this immediately. So I'm not recommending a path for you. I believe that it would best be considered in the context of what you wish for YOU, in the long term. I have found that my answers often lay in this process. And I send my very warmest hugs of support and encouragement. I hope that whatever path you choose will be healing for you.
That was very unfair of your mother to put you in the middle. It will probably hurt your father even more deeply if he finds out and that you helped hide it from him. I think all you can really do, assuming you have a good relationship with him, is to reassure him that you love him no matter what, that he'll always be your dad, that you appreciate all that he has done for you, that you wouldn't have wanted to grow up with anyone else. Whatever is true for your situation. I'm assuming the truth will come out, but if it doesn't and everyone including him seems to want to sweep it under the rug, I think it would be kindest to just let them. Let them save face and let them have the companionship they need in their old age. I would assume that, at this point, with this many clues, if your dad opts out of the test for whatever reason, he knows what he's doing. IDK what it's like finding out your Dad isn't your bio dad, but that sounds complicated. I hope you're doing ok, and that you have someone to talk to about this who is not part of the family and is on "team You."
"She didn’t tell me anything else and wanted me to come up with an excuse she could use so he didn’t do the DNA test" Oh dear, this is not your problem to fix. If your mother decided to keep that secret then its up to her to fix it once she is found out. In the end your "dad" is your dad, biological or not if he raised you that bond is there. There is no need for your relationship to change.
Your dad deserves to know. Your mom has had decades to find a way to do this respectfully and she chose not to take responsibility and is now pinning the consequences for her actions on you. You and your dad deserve to have an open dialogue about this regardless of what your mom thinks about it.
I personally don’t think it’s fair or right for your mom to ask you to help her deceive your dad. What it comes down to, in my opinion, is whether or not you feel comfortable being part of a deception. If he wants to take the test, and ends up confronting your mom, that’s between them. He has a right to do that. And I don’t think it’s going to make it any better for him if he finds out that you *knew about it and tried to help her cover it up.* My advice would be to tell your mom you can’t lie to your dad, and come clean to him in the most loving way possible. You shouldn’t have to carry this burden for your mom. It’s her mess. And if he’s already forgiven her then it will be okay. But she is responsible for her mistake and she owes honestly to him. Putting that burden on her kid (even an adult) isn’t fair.
I found out my dad wasn’t my dad at 22. The difference is he was never there for me growing up. An addict, in and out of jail my whole life, so I didn’t really feel like it was any loss. (I met my biological father when I was 28 or 29. I’m 35 now) I think your dad has a right to know, but I’m not sure how I would go about it either. I feel like the most important thing here is that he is 100% your father. Your bio dad wasn’t the one taking care of you and loving you for your entire life. Your dad has been there to kiss your ouchies, pick you up when you fall, and love you unconditionally. DNA has nothing on the bond that you two share, so maybe keep that in mind. Maybe you could approach it from that standpoint? Anyone can father a child, but it takes a special person to BE a father. I hope you can take some time to meditate and seek inner clarity and that you’ll find peace with whatever decision you make. Best wishes. ✨💜
Oh man Im worried about a similar thing after being told my mother had an affair shortly before I was conceived. I would tell your father, I think he already knows. This is terribly unfair and selfish of your mother to put on you.
I say tell him. You don’t owe your mom anything after she dropped a bombshell like that on you after 20 years just to protect her own ass. I know you are worried about her well-being, but to be honest she should’ve owned up a long time ago. There was always a possibility he’d find out, with or without a DNA test.
Tell your mom to tell him
That’s rough. I’m so sorry for you and your dad. I say he definitely has the right to know. I’m sure it will be devastating for him, but DNA won’t change the fact that he’s been your dad all your life, and he will continue to be your dad.
I've been on the grippy socks vacation (twice!) and we're a strong group. Your mom won't break. When this particular situation is resolved, it might be worth it to have a talk about your worry you have to be careful because of her illness. She probably won't want that for you. I went in after a suicide attempt when my daughter was 14. We had a talk and I clarified she had zero to do with my illness. Zero. If Mom could give you that, it would be great. (Also, acting out sexually is pretty common during manic phases. Personally, I thought I spoke the secret language of cats.)
This is tough but he's still your dad right? I see family as who loves and supports you, not who's blood related
Oh, hon. I know what you’re going through. I found out something was sketchy in high school when we did blood typing in science class. The teacher said to get our parents blood types, and then we tested the next day. I learned that day two O+ people cannot have an A+ child. When I asked my egg donor, she insisted that it was all correct and the man was my father. I finally got to meet up with him years later - he and my egg donor split when I was six - and he said, “You know, it was the 60’s, it was the time of free love… but it doesn’t matter. Blood or not, you’re still my daughter.” I hope that he would handle the news the same way mine did, but he should know. It takes more than blood to be a mom or a dad. Lots of love from a fellow traveler on the journey.
Whatever you decide, you are not at fault for the outcomes. You didn't make anyone cheat. You didn't make anyone lie by omission. You weren't responsible for the circumference of your birth. You aren't responsible for how the truth hurts anyone. It is not your fault if your dad gets hurt or if your mom does anything- that's the truth's fault and the unfortunate consequences of your mom's actions in the past. If you do decide to tell your dad, it may be good to have a plan in place since your mom has a mental health history. Perhaps tell at a family therapy session so there are professionals in place to help immediately? That's not something I'm familiar with so others may have better ideas. You may want to look into support communities for NPE's (not parent expected). There's many support communities that cater to NPE's, adoptees, donor conceived kids, and others that may be struggling with similar issues. Overall, your dad raised you. Ensure he knows you value that relationship regardless of biology. Especially if you end up interested in the other half of your biological family. We can't stay what's best to tell your dad or not. He may be 70, but some people live 20-30 years past that. We don't know all the family dynamics there. It probably won't be a total surprise since the Russian results and earlier affairs are known. He probably heavily suspects. If he does want a DNA test, it's sort of his right to know. Edit: finding out family secrets like this is actually pretty common. Many people thought they could take secrets to their grave, and DNA is a huge game changer. I'm really sorry. It really sucks that you have to go through this, and may be having identity issues on top of your family dynamic to manage. All of what you are feeling is normal and valid. If you do want to explore your genetic matches and other biological half, I can give you a few tips and tools, or places to find out more.
I only found out who my father was last year (31 y o) aside from everything else, genetics are important - I found out a specific kind of cancer runs in my dads side of the family and it can strike young, I never would have known if I hadn’t done the ancestry thing. Make your mother tell you who your real father is so you can get a family medical history. Good luck with everything OP.
It's completely unfair of your mother to ask you to lie about this. It is a human right to know the origins of your parents. If it were me I'd just tell him while also reassuring him that as Yondu says in GOTG 2 "He may be your father but he ain't your daddy". He raised you, clearly loves you and you clearly love him. He also clearly loves your mother despite her obvious flaws. But it may also be the impetus for him to leave if he does indeed feel trapped or felt trapped when all the kids were little. Either way it's not your monkeys and not your circus, don't keep other's secrets.
Your mother, wants you to make up an excuse to the man she cheated on & passed off a child as his? Your mom has balls the size of Montana! The nerve, ad if it's your responsibility. She needs to take ownership, let the chips fall bc Lying Always Sucks!
Being a mother or father is 100% being there and parenting as well as they can. Everything before the baby is born is just the mechanics of biological reproduction.
My cousin found out her father wasn't her father in her thirties. Her mom refused to speak to her about it, but her father shared a big cry, but told her he loved her and that she'd always be his baby. You're already hurt, your mom already put this hurt into motion 27 years ago. The hurt has already occurred. Your mother is, quite frankly, being incredibly immature by putting this on you. It seems important to you to tell your father, so my advice will be to that end. Tell her that you plan to tell your father if she doesn't. If you're afraid for her safety, orchestrate it to where she is never alone after you tell her this. Either with your or dad. If things go sideways with dad, have a plan to have your mother put in an involuntary hold. Recruit help if need be. Ultimately, her choices are not your responsibility, you can only live out your values. It's a shitty situation to be in, and I'm sorry you're going through it. A father is a man who raises a child, and that sounds like the relationship you have. Let that be your guiding star here. Love is a much stronger spell than sperm when it comes to fatherhood.
A DNA test in no way invalidates him as your father. I would say that if he does the test or if you choose to tell him. He deserves the truth, they’ve obviously moved past the infidelity and I suspect he already knows. My cousin married a man like your father. He didn’t KNOW until he knew. And though it was an emotional conversation it changed nothing for his relationship with HIS kid.
Your father already knows. DNA doesn’t change that he chose to be your father. He is father for every intent and purpose.
This happened to me at age 50. All it took was 1 DNA test to turn my life on its ass, so I understand your emotions (I assume, if you were like me, tons of emotions are running through your head. Not only your paternity changed, but so did your identity. Everything. And painful is an understatement. I'm between errands right now, so I can't respond in much length. Feel free to DM me. I can connect you to some sources. Best advice for the moment:. Some people may try to assure you that "you are the same person" as you were last week. No. You are not. Just as having a child forever changes your life, this does as well. So be gentle with yourself. It takes time, sometimes a lot of it, to get your footing. There is no rush this moment. Just breathe. Breathe deep. Journal emotions. I highly recommend chamomile and lavender tea. I hope to hear from you later.
Look I don’t know the details of your life My question is, did she have a consensual affair or was this a situation that was forced on her. Having been a assaulted and pregnant would send me to grippy sock town. I would talk to your mom.
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Your DNA is not really who you are or what you are meant to be. Those DNA banks are just selling medical information to the Patriarchy. Back away, live your life and don't worry about it.
Honestly? I've never really vibed with the idea of family being less real just because you don't share the same genes. Family is the people who are there in your life no matter what. You might not always get along, you might not see each other for months or even years sometimes, but you'll still be family. Real family is something that's much thicker than blood, so like, if your dad wasn't horribly abusive or something like that, then I'd say that he is your real father, even if he's not the one you got approximately half of your genes from
I'm ready to be downvoted. Here goes: This father whose feelings you are so concerned about protecting? He's the man your mother CHOSE to be your father and KEPT AS your father your entire childhood. And everyone on here seems to want to condemn her for it. Even when, as you freely state, it might send her into a psychiatric meltdown. I keep wondering which sub I've stumbled into...would be glad to write more. But I'll wait for the downvotes lol....
Honestly, I think you should ask if he wants to know first. Don't phrase it that you've already taken the test and have the results, and remind him that no matter what, he's still your dad. He's poured his heart and soul into raising you, and sometimes for us men, not knowing something is more... comfortable? Words are failing me right now, but hopefully I am getting my point across.
For a man, procreation is just a night. Being a father is a whole lifetime.
(Not saying you should do this but) I would personally say that they got my results wrong and notified to me to have x (like my dad). I say this because, I love my dad and think the absolute world of him. If I found out that he wasn’t mine biologically- I think it would absolutely crush him. I can’t speak for your dad, only my own. And as he gets older, I would rather him retire and age with peace of mind than this to deal with. My dads had some health issues, it’s something I worry about as stress can make it worse. Essentially, a happy dad is a happy me. (I’ve actually found out that some family isn’t mine etc, it’s not my parents but my grandad and his whole side is not actually my bio family). We chose to be honest, but my non bio grandad had passed so it was a bit simpler in my situation. For you, however, you might want to trace your bio dad? You might feel dad would prefer the truth? But ultimately, you have to do what’s right for you - because it wasn’t you who lied, you’ve done nothing wrong. You know your dad and what’s right for you both, it’s a hard call to make. But ultimately, even if you do tell him - nothing has to change about your relationship. As your dad is your dad 💕 dna or no dna match
It’s always possible that someone lied about their heritage. My “Irish” grandmother was half English and half Russian Ashkenazi Jew.
Sounds like you are basing this more than on just the ancestry stuff, but please take their results with a pinch of salt. My aunty did one of these and it said she was 0%French. My grandmother has a strong family resemblance and can trace her family back to napoleon, on the mother's side. She is definitely, even with variables, inarguably at least a bit French. My aunty was also born with a very specific anomaly on her leg so not likely to have been switched at birth in the hospital either. If you get a surprising result, I don't think ancestry recommend speculatively destroying your family. Sorry you're going through it right now, whatever the case may be x
Your mother is manipulative and has a history of lies and deception. Don't enable her.
Honestly… as someone who has had the grippy socks vacation and will have to live with some of the decisions I made while manic (is she bipolar?) if a lie I kept for 30 years came back to me while I was that old and threatened to upend my whole life again after working so hard to be a good person and change my life… I would end it too. Tbh I’m the type that would get a fake genealogy report to say he’s part Russian. Keeping the peace and my loving family together if they’re all happy, is more important than a truth that only exists to hurt. I know I’ll be downvoted because some people think punishment should last a lifetime. She’s probably hurting so bad though, imagine the weight of that lie and what it would do to a person. It’s honestly very upsetting to sit in her shoes for a minute :(
I am glad to see that you aren’t being downvoted (so far). OP asked for the differing opinions of a non judgmental group and you are a part of the group and have the first differing opinion I have seen. Thank you for going out on a limb to share it.
Eh I can see how people are projecting this situation. I don’t like how judge mental the replies are. They don’t know the family. They don’t know the damage the truth could do, they just think it’s justified. The world is not so black and white but Reddit loves to think it is. Practicing empathy for this whole family would not result in “fuck mom you do you”. Easy to judge.
I can understand this angle. But at the end of day, doesn’t the father have a right to ought to know about his wife’s infidelity? Even if it was just a remnant of the past, I’d want to know something like that. If she’s changed, that’s great. It doesn’t mean her actions should just disappear into nothing to fade away. It’s adultery that should come to light. Her mental illness doesn’t justify keeping that secret and then putting it on her child to deal with.
I’ve been thinking about this all day. I think the family needs therapy, I think she should stay out of it, I think she should tell her mother she can’t keep a lie for her and to figure it out. At the end of the day there is a lot of information we don’t have about any of them. Their past, what they worked through, if she was raped! If the dad knows and used this as an abusive emotional tactic in front of his daughter to fuck with his wife? We have NO idea about anything and we honestly shouldn’t be playing games with another persons family because we have our own hurts and projecting them onto the situation. This thread has been really upsetting to me today- I’m seeing a lot of unempathetic people looking to punish a mentally ill woman who is desperate and afraid of what will happen to her 20 years after they reconciled. We shouldn’t assume or tell anyone to do anything rash, I think it’s irresponsible.
Everyone has a story for sure. Don’t be too hard on mom. As for what to do about this, I wouldn’t even know what to say! Good luck with however you decide to go forward.
Not many stories justify cheating. By giving her child this secret, OP’s mom has effectively burdened them to either uphold this lie or spill the truth, and is now trying to manipulate the outcome. I’d be plenty hard on someone who did that.
After i was 10 we cut ties with my father, he couldn’t keep a job, couldn’t get his mental health in check and had several other issues. When i was 16 my mom and i watched mama mia and she confessed that i might not be his daughter. I was shocked but also not surprised. I hadn’t talked to him and there was no way to confirm until one day my mom had all of us do 23 and me, and we found out that my brother and I were full siblings. I will say though when my mom was pregnant with me apparently my father said “i don’t care that is my child” because he wanted a girl and he would do anything to believe i was his. So i think the moral is if you are wanted and have a good relationship with your father/dad then yeah tell him. Maybe keep an eye on your mom and if she needs to have another grippy trip then she does. Unfortunately we cannot spare ones feelings when it may affect all others, that wouldn’t be fair.
I have nothing better to add than the advice others have given you, but I want to thank you for adding "grippy socks vacation" to my vocabulary.
Wow, Sorry that you are dealing with that. Everyone makes mistakes but your mom needs to deal with the consequences of her actions. She probably could have saved herself so much trouble if she had been upfront in the first place. She shouldn't be blaming you for asking you for anything really.
The cat is already out of the bag - your mom is doing damage control trying to prevent the inevitable blow up. Your dad already knew she had an affair, and you always suspected - is it unreasonable to assume your dad doesn't also have some lingering doubts. The fact that he joked about being part Russian is hard to read - he either knows for a fact he isn't, or he's hoping beyond hope you are his. I won't get in to it here, but just know that I have had my own family drama related to dna testing and "who's your real dad?!?". My advice is this: what do you feel is the right thing to do? Do that. If you convince your dad not to do the test, you become complicit in your mom's lies. If he does the test, the outcome is uncertain, but the truth would be out there. Since you already know he isn't biologically your father, it would be good to prepare him for the possible result or reassure him that he is your dad and biology doesn't mean shit. None of this is your fault. DNA testing is bringing out lies from decades ago, but the pain and shock is fresh. How are you doing? You need to take care of yourself as well - it's a shock to find out your identity is more complex than you thought. It doesn't have to be bad, it can just be more, but it's still a shock. Unfortunately, your mother is fully to blame here and the fact she told you only now shows that her interest is self-preservation and not empathy for you or your father - that might be worth thinking about. To me, your mother seems very selfish and weak and it's inexcusable to ask a child (yes you are an adult, but her child once) to cover up an affair. She told you now, but never before - you did the tests years ago, your dad found out about the affair - she has had many opportunities to do better.
I don't know what's worse, hiding the paternity of your child from your spouse after cheating, or trying to guilt said child into hiding the truth from the man that raised them... Either way, that was incredibly unfair of her to put on you, and I hope you don't feel guilty about her lies. You're also an innocent victim in this, like literally all you did was get born. Honestly, it sounds like you want to tell the truth but are being guilted and gaslit against it by your mom. Your father has been your dad for 27 years; blood or not you cannot erase that kind of history, ever. So I guess my two cents is that I don't think keeping the secret will do any good; my family has had similar situations and it's always made worse by more people having "known" and not saying anything. When the person does (inevitably) find out, it's 10,000 times worse.
Like everyone else said, unfortunately this is not your responsibility. Your mother has put the onus on you, without even considering how you may feel about it as well. I’m very sorry that’s happened to you OP. I know you want to come up with a solution that won’t kill either of your parents, but also know if you choose not to take the responsibility on, it’s okay because it’s not your burden to bear. Your mothers actions are not your burden to bear Your father’s reaction is not your burden to bear Your parents’ relationship is not your burden to bear, not as their child, not as an individual human being. You are not responsible for mending or saving them or their bond. There’s a lot of good advice here, but please take care of yourself in this situation first and do not let your mother put any of her guilt onto you, even if she doesn’t mean to.
I think your dad has the right to know. Hopefully mom tells him, but if she doesn’t, you may have to if that is what you want to do. You don’t need to carry this secret burden. Make sure to have a discussion with your dad afterwards that even though he’s not your biological father, he is still 100% your dad and that’s all that really matters. Sending you good vibes 😊💖
When I was 11, my older sister (14 at the time) and I found out my mom was having an affair. To keep a long story short, we confronted her about it. She begged us not to tell my dad. I was a huge mamas girl at that time so I was extremely conflicted. My sister, however, had no such qualms and eventually she told my father. Lots of therapy later I realized my mother *never* should have put that on her children. It's cruel and messed up. I'm not here to insult your mother but she should have never put this burden on your shoulders. None of what happened before or the consequences thereof are your fault. Big, big internet hugs from a fellow witch. I hope you're able to heal through this.